Funny Man (1994) - full transcript

Jesus Christ.

I've seen amputees with better
hands than this, I'm out.

Good, stay out.

I thought you'd come
here to play cards.

All I seen you do so far is
flick cigar ash on the table.

Hey Max,
you gonna bet some of that money,

or just sit there gloating over it?

Gonna do it till the account's made.

There's a wife and two kids
and a coke habit to feed.

Okay, big time losers,
let's cut to the chase.

I'll raise it 50 Gs.



Jesus Christ, Max.

How come your parents warn
you about everything in life

except record producers, huh?

If your artist can see
their advances now, eh Maxie?

If they saw the schmucks
I was playing cards against

they'd give me their expenses too.

Well, I'd like to call your bluffing ass

but only a moron would try
to do that with a lousy pair.

Well that leaves me and
the weirdo in the white suit.

Is it my imagination or
are you a wee bit light?

Well come on, pal.

Shit or get off the pot.

Callum?

What do you think this
is, a wife swapping party?



This is the key to my
ancestral home in England.

It's a house that has given me
great pleasure and good fortune.

To me of course it is priceless,

but to somebody like yourself,
it is worth, um, a million.

I will see your 50,000 and
I will raise you 950,000.

You're serious, are you?

Okay, Mr. Whoopee.

I'm intrigued.

Guess we better see
these cards of yours.

Oh dear, a lonely pair.

Not a bad bluff as far as it goes

and I like the little
performance, but,...

... you need more than
a cute line of theatrics

if you wanna make a
fool out of Max Taylor.

Good night, Vienna.

That wildcard has been a friend
to you all evening, Mr. Taylor.

Well, we have a similar
sense of humour.

Did you dust before you left?

You're a funny man, Mr. Taylor,
but I've met funnier.

And so will you.

Buzzard.

Hi.

Where are you going?

Hell and back, man.

Aren't we all, love, aren't we all?

Well look, I can take you
as far as London, buck.

I'll make a stop
up on the way down,

deliver some stuff, is that okay?

Cool, you know?

Great.

You wanna make it quick though.

Don't wanna get stuck with
the rest of these assholes.

Come on, come on, chop chop.

Shift your ass.

All right, mate, how's it hanging?

Excuse me love.

Superb.

I don't care if she thinks
her fans won't like it.

She probably does what I bloody
well wanted to do and so will she.

Get a wick, stick it into
spandos and reshoot the video.

Oh and Tracy, no more calls, okay?

Fuck me, this is wild!

Yes, yes!

Pucker, what a result.

You get about a bit, don't you?

Will you walk a little faster,

said the whiting to the snail.

There's a porpoise
close behind us...

... and it's treading on my tail.

Didn't do the dusting.

Bastard.

Dad, why are there cards on the wall?

This is a gamesroom, Harry.

A room for playing games in.

Can we play hide and seek in it?

Well I suppose you
can give it a whirl.

When the
wheel of fortune spins,

an ancient game of chance begins.

But who could know or guess the rules?

Adrift upon the ship of fools.

Bastard's fixed.

Oy, Curly, who's the axe man?

Put it down, all right?

It's valuable.

Is it?

What are you doing with it then?

It's my brother's okay?

All that stuff's his.

It's been in storage and just
taking it down to his new guff.

Well your brother's a very lucky man.

Too bloody right, he is.

Eh, see that guitar.

It used to be mine, right.

But I can eat you, I lost it
to him in a game of cards.

You still play a bit then?

Nah, not anymore.

I jacked it in shortly afterwards.

I got fed up with chasing rainbows

and hung up my plates run.

What about all the sex,
drugs and rock and roll?

Aye, I tell you.

The way these things usually work out

is an awful lot of drugs,
very little sex and rock and roll.

Too much acid in my case.

Oh dear.

Yeah.

Oh, another time another place,

I could have been up
there with the greats.

As it is, all I got from my travel

was piss poor short term memory.

And a head full of broken bottles.

Ah well, got a laugh, won't you?

He loves it,
he's having a great time.

He's just a baby.

If we stay here all
night, sooner or later

he's gonna get scared
and have nightmares.

Bollocks.

He never gets nightmares.

It's just an adventure to him.

And as for Jamie, she couldn't
give a toss about anything.

You're the only one
who wants to leave.

And anyway, what happens if
that tube of a brother of mine

turns up and we've all pissed
off, eh?

Listen, Max.

I love our house in L.A.

I love our house in Paris.

I know this is your home country

and you're feeling kind of
excited, but I'm telling you,...

... no matter what you say,
no matter what you think,...

... this is not our home.

So please don't ask me to live in it

because I am too rich to be unhappy.

Okay, okay.

We'll wait till Johnny arrives.

Then go find a hotel.

That's good.

Where are you off to?

None of your business!

Well don't talk to
any strange men, then.

This Callum was a
friend of Mark's right?

No.

Mark got Callum from
another poker school

just to make the numbers up.

It was the right idea and
a bit desperate, I reckon.

Not exactly ideal
attributes for a gambler.

Just like I say,
fortune favours those

that don't bloody need it.

Funny man.

Oy, mommy, daddy.

What is it, sweety?

Are you having sexual intercourse?

Not at the moment.

But there's a distinct possibility.

How are you doing, sweetheart?

Fine thanks, I've been
playing with the funny man.

Oh well that's great.

Take my advice.

When you're entertaining late,

but we're trying to influence
down, nice and early.

Wise words.

Judy, Judy, where are you?

What's it now, Punch?

Oh Judy, I'm sorry.

I've been a real bastard
to you and the baby.

I've done terrible things
but please forgive me.

I've been a fool.

Give me another chance.

But Judy had heard it all before.

She knew that as soon
as Punch got drunk again

all his promises would
count for nothing.

And the beatings would continue.

So she packed her bags,
put the baby in its carry cot

and took a taxi all the
way to the women's refuge.

Well that's probably the
most embarrassing thing

I've ever seen in my life.

Excuse me, would I
be correct in thinking

that Mr. Punch is supposed
to kill Judy and the baby?

I think we just got the PC version.

Pure crap.

Sex and violence, mate.

That's what the public wants.

Nope.

I live without you.

Right.

You go full bastard, impress me.

Passable.

Perfect.

Oy, mommy, try and find me.

Welcome to the love gallery.

Max.

Max, get down here!

Max!

Beyond paradise.

You come here often?

You get all the birds down here.

Two Swedish girls last week.

Mind you, I know fuck all about that.

But I know what I like.

It's not the
winning or the losing.

It's the taking part.

Max, get the kids,
there's someone in here!

Welcome to the love gallery.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Max, Max, Jamie!

Welcome to the love...

Max!

"Welcome to the love gallery."
- No!

Oh, no!

Don't touch me!

Max!

Oh god.

Oh god.

I need to wake up.

I should wake up,
I should wake up.

I should wake up...

I gotta wake up, I gotta wake up.

I gotta wake up, I gotta wake up.

Oh, gotta wake up.

Gotta wake up.

I gotta wake up.

I should wake up.

Should wake up, should wake up.

Cheer up, love.

There is some good news.

I brought you this.

Now that is the way to do it.

Come on, jump!

I said jump!

Jump!

Jump!

What?

Look at the concern.

Oh, wicked, man.

Hey, moneybags, I'm here.

Come on, cough up, you tight...

Move, move your ass, now.

You can't hide from me!

Me know I see you in there somewhere.

Me don't know who you be
or where you do your soul,...

... but if me catch
you, me a tell you boy!

Me just kick your evil little ass

all the way around
the fourth dimension.

You are here, messir?

Saves ringing the doorbell, then.

What?

Christ, some set of
lungs on that girl, eh?

Oh yeah.

And she can shout a bit and all.

Well, I don't know
where my brother's got to

but his car's here so he's gotta
be skating around here someplace.

Oh come on.

Give us a hand, get the
gear out the van, eh?

Excuse me.

A job well done, eh?

The fuck is he?

Oy.

Sorry.

Cheers.

Fag, love?

Nobody no move.

Because me no one the circle break.

Fair enough, do your horoscope.

But jacking off in public,
I was taking a piss.

Can I hear me mind.

You don't know everything you know.

But you think say you see everything.

You thinks the world go around you.

But me I tell you boy,...

... it's a whole heap of
shit going on round here

that you don't even dream about yet.

Before all is known, me
I get some bad vibes.

So move your ass.

Gee, this is weird.

It's kind of like the seance we
had in college with Emily Watson.

She was my best friend.

Anyway, she was contacted
by her dead grandma

about getting extra math tuition.

And maybe she is in some strange...

Enough!

Now listen.

That burden there is
a couple of 10s short

of a six pack, comprende?

Good.

I just wanted...
- What I suggest we do,...

... is that we have a quick
shifty around for my brother.

If we don't find him, we leave a note

and we all bugger off, okay?

Good.

We can't just leave her here.

She needs help.

She's pharmaceutically challenged.

What do you suggest I do?

Start my own bloody methadone programme?

Now look, you two check the grounds

while me and Joan Rivers
here check the inside.

We'll meet back here in 10 minutes, okay?

Come on you.

All right.

Thank you.

Very much.

Oh Christ.

Where the hell has she got to now?

John, a number of years ago

I attended a series of
lectures at Stanford University

and I am convinced that
there's some kind of like

weird psychic mystery behind all this.

Thelma.
- Yes John?

Shut your gob!

Oh Christ.

Look, I'm sorry.

Thelma, you're obviously
a very bright girl, yeah?

Why don't you use some
of that intelligence to help me?

Thelma, your mission is
to go down that corridor...

... and to find me one nuclear family

and one Jamaican smackhead.

Go on now, Thelma.

Make your classmates
back home proud of you.

Uh, crush it, that bloody gagging.

Hey oh.

Sorted.

I'm off for a toss, mate.

Oh, you live and learn, don't you?

Phew, there's no rest
for the bloody wicked.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

How do you mean?

Well it's the middle of the
night and it's fucking freezing.

I mean who in their right mind
would be standing about outside?

I mean what am I doing
standing about outside?

I've got my balls hiding
halfway up my ass shivering.

And I don't give a flying
fart about troubling

Wilburry and his
stupid fucking family.

You're getting really stressed, man.

You ought to relax, hmm.

You know what you should try?

What?

Breathing exercises.

Breathing exercises?

Oh.

Why don't you go and kill yourself?

Hold on.

What's that?

I'll tell you what that is, mate.

That's a 35 yarder.

Straight into the top corner.

There's not a goalkeeper
alive could save that.

Yeah, nice one.

Duck feather.

I am sure that's a duck.

Now that definitely is a duck.

Look man, I know where
you're coming from

but the way I see it, you know,...

... women are more than just,...

... well, mobile orifices.

Yeah, but what do you
know about it anyway?

All I'm saying is
that we can't go back

to the days of
selecting a partner

by banging her over
a head with a club.

Oh, I see.

So now you got something
against banging women as well.

You're not a poof, are you?

You're just not interested
in communicating, are you?

Will you, won't you?

Will you, won't you join the dance?

Fuck me.

Dark out, isn't it?

Yeah.

Right?

Max?

Me never like small towns.

Come on, little ducky.

Come on, quack quack.

Quack.

There really is nothing
to be frightened of.

Quack.

Darn.

Come on.

Quack.

Come on.

Just can't figure it out.

I know you're there somewhere.

Quack.

Duck!
- Where?

Hello!

Mr. Taylor.

Mr. Taylor!

With any luck, he's having
a cape underneath that rubble.

Hello?

Mr. Taylor?

Look, it's a bit dark down there.

I was just wondering if I
could borrow your lighter...

... 'cause mine's a bit sort of,...

... thing.

No.

Asshole.

These must be the old service tunnels.

They're all derelict now though.

Hello?

Ah, stuff me.

Oh, sod.

Step on straight away.

Club Sexy brings you,
girls, girls and more girls.

The prettiest chicken in
town in a rocks off frenzy.

So drag your feet now off the street.

And tonight is the night, get into this.

It's the Club Sexy
psychedelic Wig evening.

So don't be square, get balls here.

Get down, get on off it.

Get down and get it.

Hotter than hell with
the one and only,...

... Club Sexy.

It's hotter than hell in
the one and only Club Sexy.

Seven days a week.

Club Sexy brings you girls,
girls and more girls.

The prettiest chicken in
town in a rocks off frenzy.

So drag your feet then off the street.

And tonight, see this,
get into this, it's Club Sexy.

Hey there.

Right.

All right.

Hey there.

Hey there, Norman.

All right even.

What's the score then, mate?

Psychedelic Wig evening.

Hear what?

Psychedelic Wig Evening.

Come here.

70s disco, get into that.

On you go.

Yeah, drive on.

Yeah, yeah?
- Up and in.

Come in through, yeah?

Yeah?
- Oh yeah.

Getting some, getting some?

Get in a bit.

Yeah, I'm getting in.

Oh yeah.

I like it, it's all right, but.

It's not really me.
- Right, yeah, yeah.

Now this.

Classical.

Classical.
- Classical, eh?

Very popular with a lot
of our senior citizens.

Bloody hell, oh no, no.

No, no.
- No, no?

All right, all right.

Now, this is you.

That is 90s rage!

Rage, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah?

Drive on, yeah.

Yeah? Happening.

Yeah?

Get into them.

Yeah? 'Nuff respect!

'Nuff respect, huh?

I like it.
- Do you like it, yeah?

Do you like it, yeah?

I do like it.

43 quid.

43 quid?

I'll take it.

We might as well go back.

Hello out there.

Look, I can't see the door from here.

You'll have to shout so
I can find my way out.

Hahaha, tres amusement!

This is really juvenile.

Oh good evening sir, can I help you?

Is this a family business?

No.

Oh, I'll have a lager then please.

Would you like a
complimentary lager, sir?

Oh yeah, thank you very much.

That'll be 17 pounds and
63, new pence please sir.

And I'll call it 20 pounds of cash.

20 quid?

I thought you said
it was complementary.

That's just the name of the lager, sir.

And there is a five pound
service charge, sir.

Five pound service charge?

And an additional five
pounds for chair usage.

I'm standing up.

Seated patrons only.

Bloody hell, this better be good.

Oh, yes sir.

Ever so sexy.

I got my asskicking
boots on tonight.

43.

63.

68.

73,... 73 quid.

Phew, what can you get
for 73 quid these days?

A wig and a lager.

From the heavens reaching down

through time and space
towards the ground.

The bitten hand of fate
unlocks the secrets of Pandora's box.

Shut that window!

Johnny and Max, the backstreet kids.

Great days, eh Maxie?

You and me against the world?

So much for that.

That's life, eh?

Maybe I never had the talent.

Funny thing is, deep down,...

... I'm proud of you.

Even if you are the luckiest sod alive.

Excuse me.

I can't find my way...

Fuck my ass!

No, ah no!

Well, it's absolutely
bugger all in the papers.

Oh, hello.

It's showtime, hah!

What the bloody hell is this, then?

It's a bloody lump.

What's it look like,
you stupid tart?

Well get the bugger out!

You what?

It's one too many big
lumps in here already.

Great, now there's
another one I gotta bow.

Well I didn't bring it in,...

... you old slutbag.

Hah, that's right, mate.

You tell her, eh?

Oh, that's typical.

I suppose you're gonna
piss off down to the pub.

Oh no he isn't.

Well where is he then?

Behind you!

Mind yourself too, missus.

What the Hell is that!

It's a tossing bomb, innit?

No!
- Oh shit!

Bomb everyone, bomb, bomb.

Take cover, run for your life.

It's not fair!

That's not!

I tell you what.

You can't whack a good bit
of family entertainment.

No, you can't.

Hey, hey.

Hello.

What are you doing in my house?

Me just shit on your bed.

You did what?

You not see how the
atmosphere nice, no?

You dirty cow.

You no like it?

Then get your big
ugly ass down here

for an even bigger surprise.

Oh, now...

There's always one isn't there, eh?

Damn right there is.

Come on, get on with it.

Before this bloody wig runs out.

You're teasing me.

I'm teasing you.

You're a naughty boy...

... but I'm naughty too.

Get them off!

Just too many people.

In a big sexy world.

Naughty fool,
you're not this world.

No, no, put them back on again.

Imagine baby, make baby with me.

Two crazy lovers lost in stars.

Seeking everywhere...

... and Mars bars.

It's wonderful.

To be this way.

Two pretty people...

... just out of their minds,...

... lost forever in sexy time.

Imagine a monkey, c'mon,
baby, let's monkey around.

Bloody hell, I feel like I'm
dying and gone to Rotherham.

Come on, big boy.

Oy, missus!

Have a light, you, my mate?

Yeah.

Cheers.
- Cheers.

Looking for someone, you?

Yeah, a bit of skirt.

Ample set of bosom on that, sir?

Oh yeah, you could say that.

Right ample.

She had a tarty sort of blonde wig.

Yeah, that's her, yeah, yeah.

Big hairy old asshole on her?

Well probably, yeah.

Pig ugly, yeah?

Ooh, eh, nice singing voice.

Foul woman.

Bit of a scrubber you call, is it?

Oh yeah.

So you would call her
a bit of a scrubber.

Well, I would yeah.
- Yeah?

Well everybody would.

Yeah?

Oh god, yeah.

You know her, do you?
- Oh yeah, yeah.

Ah.
- Yeah...

It's my wife.

She got a smashing personality
though, a smashing personality.

Blind is it you think I am?
- You what?

Don't you think I know what's
going on behind my back?

Nothing going on behind your back.

At it, the pair of you.

Day or night, night on day.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I lie awake at night crying.

Crying into my pillow.

Well I'm very sorry to hear that.

And my kids, screaming,
screaming they are.

Look, all right.

I think I get the point.

Oh but you don't, see?

But I do.

No but you don't get the point.
- But I do.

But you don't.
- I do.

No but you don't get the point.
- Oh I do, I do, I get the point.

No you don't get the point.

Oh, I do.

I get the point.

Do you?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.
- Yeah...

Yeah
- Oh yeah.

Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah...

Yeah...

Oh, yeah.

Yeah?

Oh yeah.

Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah?
- Come on then.

Big hard man, are you?
- Bigger than you.

You calling me short?
- Yeah, come on then.

Yeah?
- Come on then.

Yeah?
- Yeah.

Want some, do you?
- Yeah I do want some.

All of it, you?
- Come on then, yeah.

Not from you, come on then!
- You want a bit, do you?

Yeah come on!

Now see,
you still don't get the point.

I do.
- No you don't, see.

'Cause I've got the point here.

I do, I get the point.
- This is the point.

Here's a point, yeah.

Point taken.

Max?

Maxwell!

April 1975?

Dear Max,
I'm writing to ask you a favour.

Been hearing great things
about your brother's band...

... and Johnny in particular.

As you know, we're looking for a
new lead guitarist at the moment.

And I wondered whether
John would be interested

in joining our band.

Could you ask him for us?

I know you also represent Ronnie Wood.

Ronnie Wood?

So John doesn't want the gig.

Perhaps we could talk terms about Ronnie.

Cheers, mate.

Mick Jagger!

He never told me.

Your own flesh and blood.

And you fucking stiffed me!

All these years I could
have been someone.

But you...

You...

You!

You bastard!

Bastard!

Hella bee!

He knows how to make a splash, that lad.

He certainly does,
Trevor, he certainly does.

Boom bye bye.

Bloody hell, my knocks!

Ooh, you bitch.

Flip it off!

I will be back!

Probably.

One two, one two.

Oh shit.

Flashbacks.

Say man, it's your
old friend, Dr. Blotter.

Remember me?

Long time no see.

See?

What's happening, man?

Don't no one tell you nothing?

No.

You've been called to greatness, man.

This is it.

The big time.

Wow!

They're
out waiting for you, man.

Who?

Who's waiting?

The angels of grooviness, man.

Right.

They're all there.

Elvis.

Elvis?

Jimmy.

Jimmy?

Janis.

Bing.

Bing?

The leaders, the greatest, man.

They're all waiting for you.

Right.

You're gonna take your guitar
to a shining star, man.

I am?

Where the rainbow
rivers cry down to you.

Where the paper swans
glide across marble skies.

And the air, oh the air
tastes as sweet as honey.

I haven't got a fucking
clue what I'm on about...

... but it does bring
a tear to my eye.

Hey.

You're not jiving me man, are you?

Shit no, man.

It's all cool, you know?

Who, why?

The big D, man.

What?

Destiny.

Everything you should
have had you now have!

Yeah?

Your time has come, Johnny.

Has it?

Gods are waiting.

Yeah.

I can see them.

It's true.

It's really true.

Play that funky music, white boy.

Get back down here, you little razz!

It's like my old dad used to say.

They don't like it open.

And they don't, you know.

They don't.

I've arrived!

I've been looking for you.

Who the fuck are you?

My card.

Mr. Jesty.

Admiral.

Professor.

Playing cards again, Mr. Chance?

You really should try and
play with other people.

It's much more fun.

Is it?

Righty keeps it slamming on One FM.

Steve Right in the morning

Good morning, this is Steve Right.

Now 10 years ago, a tragic flying accident

took the life of the greatest
rock legend ever known.

Our all day tribute starts
with his number one song

from 1976, the Emperor
of Rock and Roll himself,

Jonathan Taylor.

They just don't write
them like that anymore.

Still.

Turned out nice again.

It's funny.

It's... really funny.

Oy you, you in the back?

No, third row,
you with the hat, aye, yeah.

Tell you what.

Don't fancy yours much.

Face like a bulldog with
a bumblebee in its mouth.

I'd rather stiff a cactus

if you asked me to shag that.

On the other hand though.

Her over there, oh big tits.

Oh, I'd give her a right good tromboning.

Anyone here from Leicester?

Come on Governor, lend a hand.

It's like my old
Uncle Ned used to say,...

... never forget the three Fs.

Find them, follow them, forget them.

He died, '83.

A lonely old virgin.

I said, I want you and your mates

and your mates mates mates mates mates

and their big mates outside now!

Come on kids, sing along.

All right, that'll do for me.

You still wanna have a go or what?

Will you bloody be told
there's no rest for the wicked?

Go on, you know all bloody
well 'cause I really don't.