Funny Dirty Little War (1983) - full transcript

FUNNY DIRTY LITTLE WAR

EVITA LIVES

Ladies, on Monday the thrifty Argentine
Store begins its end of season...

clearance sale.

Horacio Guarani in person...
appearing tomorrow, Saturday

at 10 PM and midnight in the Colonel
Soriano Social & Sports Club.

El Santo Seed Store,
balanced nutrient, best of the market,

coddles the calf, fattens it in pasture,
turns it into the finest beef.

THE STORY TAKES PLACE IN AN INDEFINITE
ARGENTINE PROVINCE IN AUTUMN 1974.

- See you Monday, Ignacio.
- Until Monday, Juanita.

- There won't be any problems.
- I don't know.



The people like Fuentes.

So we don't take on Fuentes first.

We start with Mateo.

- That doesn't make sense.
- Why not?

Who's gonna believe Mateo is...

Look, your job is
to arrange the strike.

How much down payment?

How much down payment?

No down payment.

Look... there...

Miguel, we're on strike.

Everyone back to the yard.

- Something wrong, buddy?
- Take them all back.

Long live Peron!



- They're with Fuentes.
- Leave them to me.

Hey, Suprino!

What did the bosses say in San José?

- Later.
- But we're getting our cut, aren't we?

- But the project's stalled!
- I'll see you later.

Look, am I the town
delegate or not?

Then I'm the last one to know.

My wife's waiting
for the refrigerator.

What a wiseguy!
You got a refrigerator...

Hey, you still owe me
for the truck!

See you on payday.

How's it doing?
The truck, I mean.

Oh, yeah, it runs like a bullet.

- The order comes from San José.
- Quit horsing around, Suprino.

- Gotta clean out this town.
- But everything's okay.

- Fuentes is a good guy.
- It's not against him.

- The problem is Mateo.
- The office clerk?

- Him?
- He's a Marxist.

I'll be damned!
Well, they can fire him.

It's more complicated than that.
Gotta clean out town hall...

Orders from above.

Did you mention my request?

It looks favourable.

I don't know...
if this turns out okay...

But will they transfer me or not?

Take it easy, Llanos.

I'll arrange it with the party.
No problem.

Peron, Peron, you're so great...

They've gone!

Brothers!

Let's get rid of treason
in town hall!

With our trade union
and people's police...

We'll smash the power exploiting
our town Colonia Vela

Brothers!

Brothers!

Throw out the Marxist
Mateo Guastavino!

Rise up! Support the secretary general
of the Peronist movement,

brother Suprino!

- What?
- What's happening, Reinaldo?

We're gonna get the Marxists.

But tomorrow's my sale!

We'll finish this business today.

- I'll have no advertising!
- Let's go.

- Where's Llanos?
- In the patio, I think.

What are you doing?

The chief wants the flag...
a celebration...

Celebration my ass!

...to get rid of...
the traitors' enemy...

who has infiltrated...
into Colonia Vela.

Our Mission...
today more than ever...

Rubén, come here.

Don't give me orders, Ignacio.

- I'm the town delegate!
- And I'm the Chief of Police!

Wait in my office.

Put two patrolmen at
the town hall door.

Don't let anyone in or out.

- What are you doing here?
- You said...

Go shut yourself up, in jail!

Yes, sir.

You've got infiltrators!

- Infiltrators?
- In the town hall.

The only guy I've got there
is Mateo.

He's an infiltrator!

Where'd you get that?

- The normalizer.
- The what?

Suprino.
Orders from San José.

We've got to normalize.

But Suprino's a friend!

And he owes me for the truck.

He has orders to normalize.

But goddamnit,
"normalize", what?

Tell me. You're not reading
too many papers, are you?

Mateo is a Marxist communist.

- Oh, knock it off!
- Fire him!

I'm telling you...

Are you threatening me?

They stole my bicycle while...

You stare into space!

FUENTES TRAITOR

Bring me the shotgun.

What are you going to do?

Get ready for them.

Are you nuts?
They'll kill you.

Those stinking cowards.
Who're they gonna kill?

- I'll call Ruben
- Hold it! Ruben.

He's the son of a bitch
I'm gonna fight!

Not have a son by my side.

Come on, Fuentes!

Ignacio!

You forgot them.

The cap? You didn't bring it.

- I'll get it for you.
- No.

Go inside, don't let anyone in,

understand? No one!

Hey, cops!

Hey, you cops!

Here, you jerks, at the corner!

- Can't go in, sir.
- Says who?

- The chief.
- He's not here.

- Who's in charge?
- Sub-Inspector Rossi.

Not here either.
Who's in charge?

I'm in charge, goddamnit!
Attention!

Patrolman García,
I promote you to corporal.

What's your salary?

A hundred and four,
with allowances, sir.

- It's now a hundred and fifty.
- Thank you, sir.

- Corporal García!
- At your orders, sir!

Send Comini to find Moyano.
Right away!

- Patrolman Comini!
- Yes, Corporal.

Go find that loafer Moyano.

Quickly!

Don Ignacio!
They want us out!

Take this, if they attack,
we'll resist.

Why? What's happening,
Don Ignacio?

- They say we're Lefties
- Lefties?

I was always a Peronist,
I never got into politics.

Prepare an order making García
a Corporal.

Put yesterday's date on it.

- Corporal García.
- At your orders!

We must defend town hall.
Watch!

Yes, Don Ignacio!

Don Ignacio, want to sign?

Take this, García.

If General Peron could see me!

Get me, San José, the Mayor.

I'm taking a siesta, Fuentes.

- I have problems, sir.
- Yes, I heard.

But the city doesn't meddle.

Solve them yourselves.

But you're the Mayor.

I was told that you're all
part of that group...

like those guys.

What guys, sir?

Peronist youth types,

they hang out in your office.

They're good kids.
Eager, and Peronists.

Peronists! Shit!

- How much do you make, Moyano?
- 83 pesos.

I name you park director at 120.

Thanks, Don Ignacio,
I really needed it!

Comini, give him the weapon.

The weapon, hand it over.

Here, take it.

- What's this for?
- To defend the town,

Go and stay by the window.

Go... Go...

Our life for Peron!

Goddamn you!
You startled me.

You're supposed to be in jail.

I escaped. With all this hassle,
nobody noticed.

You're going back,

but I'll work you over first.

Wait, corporal.
Juan's one of us.

He's a prisoner.

We need people.

- He's drunk.
- I said he's with us.

Go up on the roof.

Uh, gimme a pea-shooter, Don Ignacio.

Here...

don't use it until I tell you.

Here.

Mateo, go with him.

Corporal!

You really got ahead fast!

- Patrolman García!
- Oh, shit! The Chief!

Come out, García.
You too, Comini.

That's an order, goddamnit!

I'm getting out.

Nobody leaves home.

They'll lock us up. We better go.

Wait!
Who made you a corporal?

But they'll beat us up.

Sure, because I was
elected delegate.

Comini!

Come out!

- I'm shoving off.
- You're not leaving.

Then make me a corporal.

It's not in the budget.

- No budget.
- Give me that.

- Lock him in the bathroom.
- Go on.

What are you doing, buddy?

"Buddy"! Get him!
Move it!

- Don't ride me, chief!
- Get in!

How does this work?

Sergeant...

tell Rossi to bring the truck.

Very well, sir.

I don't like this.
Better call San José.

No, I'll get it squared away.

Make the announcement, Reinaldo.

Brothers!

We men of Colonia Vega
are launching a battle...

for freedom!

Fuentes, Communist chief
in a Peronist shirt.

Mateo Guastavino,
Marxist Leftist infiltrator.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

They are enemies of the people.

Drag them from their lair!

Long live the fatherland!

Long live Colonia Vela!

Long live General Peron!

Long live Don Ignacio Fuentes!

- What's going on, Durán?
- Nothing,

Nothing ever happens in this country.

Suprino, they won't ruin
my sale, will they?

- Go ahead, make an announcement.
- Please, friend.

Tomorrow, Saturday.

At seven p.m. sharp. In the office
of Prudencio Guzmán & Company.

Brothers! Brothers!

Beware of what's happening.

Behind all this is the Sorcerer.

Hello.

Don Ignacio.
Here's brother Moran.

Brother Fuentes!

The Peronist youth are with you.

Fewer words and come fight,
goddamnit!

We're discussing it.

When we decide, we'll come.

Close the windows,
they may throw tear gas.

They don't have tear gas.

Close them anyway.
You too, Moyanito.

I could resign...
No!

Our lives for Peron!

Yes, but Peron is in Buenos Aires.

Fuentes, Mateo, this is Suprino.

Surrender to the law.

To be judged
by the Party's court.

How about paying for the truck?

Okay, smart asses!

Come out or we'll blast you out!

Llanos! Stupid,
big-moustached cuckold!

Aim...

- Fuentes, you son of a bitch, give up!
- Come get me, you fat bastard!

Take that, you Commie!

Juan, fire!

Well done, fellows!

Make barricades
with those boxes!

This isn't my fight!

- Back off!
- Let's go, let's go.

Fuentes and Peron,
two hearts that beat as one!

Fuentes and Peron,
two hearts that beat as one!

The guys from the gang!

Shoot goddamnit!

Let's move!

Fuentes and Peron,
two hearts that beat as one!

Blessed Saint Bárbara!

Juan, fire!

Moyano, fire!

This is getting ugly.

I'm gonna talk to San José.

Chief.

Rossi, prepare to attack.

- Chief, I'm wounded.
- Wounded.

- Yes, I caught fire.
- You ran away.

- No, I was the rear guard.
- You're still gonna attack.

OK, I'll just put on some salve.

Some salve first.

We're going to prepare
a general offensive.

Chief Llanos!

What do you want?

The Peronist youth
issued a communique.

- Communique my ass! Arrest them.
- Yes, sir.

Llanos, your mother's a whore!

Shitty Communists!
Arrest them, goddamnit!

Peron, Peron, Peron!

Don Ignacio, here they come.

Fire!

Cease fire!

It's Benitez, the deaf guy.

I was bathing, Suprino.

What?

What jackasses!

All right, I'll take charge.

- Something wrong?
- No, no, nothing.

What's going on, chief?

The Lefties occupied town hall.

Fire!

Give up, Fuentes.

What's going on, Don Ignacio?

The goons from San José.
We'd better surrender.

Let me out...
Don Ignacio, let me out.

Don Ignacio.

- They're armed!
- You wouldn't listen.

This screw-up is your own affair.

Don't shoot, I'm Gimpy Duran.

Long live the Radicals!

San José says something else.

Who'd have thought Fuentes...

It's already screwed up.

Llanos, send a couple of men forward,
mine will cover them.

Rossi!

Careful, fella!

This situation is getting bad.

Send three patrolmen forward,

these guys will cover the rearguard.

We can cover...

Do as I say!

And make sure they're well placed.

They're coming with everything.

Get down!

Fuentes! Surrender
or we'll blow you to bits!

Dirty bastards!

Poor Moyanito.

Better give up, Don Ignacio.

Don Ignacio, please.

- We're ready.
- Hey, we've got air power.

Knock it off.

Leave it to me, Don Ignacio, OK?

Brother Mayor!

What's all this, Suprino?

It got out of hand, sir.

Let's see.

How's the situation?

We're low on ammo.

We can't resist much longer, right?

Where are the people?
Those who voted for me?

Don Ignacio...

White flag! The Mayor.

Fuentes, this is D. Cuglielmini.

- What're you doing? They're finished.
- Leave it to me.

Gotta blast them.

With the journalists arriving?

- Gotta blast'em.
- Come out!

Come out!

Ignacio Fuentes!

We're all Argentines.
Let's talk.

Praise the Lord!

The town of Colonia Vela accuses
you of being a subversive infiltrator.

What can we do?
Your mandate is terminated.

That's democracy.

Surrender and be tried
by the Party's court.

Peron or death!

Son of a bitch!
Mateo!

Come here and write.

You bring Comini.

So they want to shit
on Don Ignacio...

Watch!
Gimme a drink, Juan.

Come on.

Let's go, little old Torito...
Up and away... Here, Juan.

Take it, you read it!

Guglielmini.

Come on... out loud.

Go to fucking hell!
Peron or death!

He curses me...

That's Cerviño, the crop-duster.
Good guy.

Peronist.

Everything ready?

The Air Force is here!

Long live Peron!

It's just shaggy old Cerviño.

Look, look. Didn't I say
we'd have fun?

A miracle, a miracle.

This is not serious, Surpino.
Toto!

That's the one.

So you bombed
the Labor Federation?

- No, I was here.
- Shitty Leftist.

You three, inside!

- What's going on?
- Pick it up.

Please, no.

Damn... out of insecticide.

It's getting late, Cerviño.
What'll we do?

It's going to rain, huh?

Don't you worry.
Go to town, tell the people.

When they hear the plane,
turn the lights on!

You're going to fly at night?
You're crazy.

- Go on...
- You're going to kill yourself.

Go on, go on.
And tell Don Ignacio...

to turn on
the town hall lights too.

- What about us?
- Julia.

You coming with me?

The journalists arrived.
They're at the school.

- Shall we go?
- Vicente's wounded.

Terrific!

Take him into the press conference,
let's go.

Who the hell ever sent me...

Hold it, Ricardito, right there.

- What're you...
- Prisoner of war.

- What war?
- This one.

Don't let him move, hear?

And remember...
wait until five o'clock.

Excuse me. I want to take photographs,
and talk with Ignacio Fuentes.

You can't.

Security reasons.
Your own security.

The situation's tough.

We'll take care of ourselves.

- Let's go, buddy.
- One moment, sir.

The Mayor's coming, gentlemen.
Go right in.

- Hey, aren't you Prudencio Guzmán?
- Yes.

I'm Rizzi.

- Rizzi? Beto!
- Sure.

How long since
we worked together?

It's been years.

How we fought over Peron!

You were really anti-Peronist!

Yes, but then Peron
became democratic!

...and it's a plot
by international exploiters...

who has taken Colonia Vela
as a center of a criminal designs.

Any questions?

That's enough for me.

Yes, why so much
police violence?

There is no "police violence".

The Marxists attacked
the peace officers.

Even a heroic Peronist
brother, you see?

Excuse me, how were you wounded?

I was passing by...

- Well, gentlemen...
- Pardon me...

Will the Army have to intervene?

Please, what country
do you think we're in?

You can return to San José.

Press release tomorrow.

- What's that smell of DDT?
- A tank exploded.

- But DDT doesn't explode.
- This time it did.

What're we waiting for?

We'll be here all night.

My girl's going to kill me.

Don't, that's only crazy Pelaez.

- The light... let there be light.
- What're you doing here?

Christ is with us.

Christ? You damn idiot.
Shut up.

Moyanito...

Moyanito...

You killed him,
you're the devil.

- What are you saying?
- Wait, García.

Mr. Fuentes. The light...

When the plane comes,
turn the light on.

What, what?

He said it's a secret,

- Just for Don Ignacio.
- Okay, but who told you?

Juan...

No, it wasn't Juan... It was Christ!

What a jerk, sending a message
with this nut!

Ricardito, put that toy down,
will you?

You could share...

Ricardito... You're grown up now...

Not long ago you were
playing cowboys... now look at you.

You could untie me,
just to smoke.

Okay, but don't think
I'm stupid.

I can use this.

Jeez, I really appreciate it.

Okay...

He let it go...
Seems like hail...

Ricardito,
what happens at five o'clock?

The girl said to wait until 5.

For what?

To shoot you.

If no counter order comes,
I shoot you at five.

It's confirmed.
Reinaldo was in the union center.

They recognized him by his key chain.

Idiots!

They didn't check
whether anyone was inside.

Poor kid.

He must have gone
in for some papers.

He was very meticulous.

And Llanos...

could he have been there, too?

May I come in?

- What are you doing here?
- A message...

The Peronist youth have the chief...

You withdraw
or they'll kill him.

- Sons of bitches!
- Take it easy, brother...

You see what subversion is...

Sub-Inspector Rossi,
you're now in command.

Guzmán, why not invite
the reporter...

for a drink?
It's all wet. Careful.

I'd rather stay,
it's a good story.

We'll keep you informed.
Please...

Well, then, we negotiate.

No, wait, calm down.

We'll beat the crap out of them.
We've got Fuentes' wife.

We get the chief or
we mess up Fuentes' wife!

Right.
Should we announce it?

And broadcast it so
everyone finds out?

We have the right to do it.

Go on, Rossi, do your duty.

Let's see if they blasted
the chief...

Chief Llanos is a patriot.

What time is it?

Five after two.

Jeez, how time flies.

Ricardito...
What do you people mean...

by "Socialist fatherland"?
I never understood that.

FOR A PERONIST, THERE'S NOTHING
BETTER THAN ANOTHER PERONIST.

They've turned off
the street lights.

DANGER
EXPLOSIVES

They're coming with all they've got!

- Don't shoot till I say to.
- Now... Fire!

Heretics! Heretics!
They killed Moyanito.

Cease fire!

Stop!

Suprino!

Fuentes is dead, we give up!

What a jerk!
Coming out to die like a hero.

Doctor Guglielmini,

Fuentes is dead!

How many are still inside?

Mateo and García, I think.

They're nothing,
ask them to surrender.

You started this, Suprino.

You finish it.

What's going on?

Mateo!

García!
Ignacio Fuentes is dead.

Don't fight in vain.

If they give up,
they won't get hurt.

They confused me with nutsy.

García! We'll confirm
your grade of corporal.

You have three minutes!

Come out or we'll raze
the building with the bulldozer.

And we'll shoot you, goddamnit!

- We'd better give up.
- The corporal's right.

I can keep my rank.

- I promote you to Sergeant!
- Sergeant!

- From patrolman to sergeant in only one day!
- But what'll we do, Don Ignacio?

Let them think I'm dead.

Tell them we'll talk.

Talk?

Bring the propane tank
and the kerosene.

Chief Llanos!
Chief Llanos!

I'm Sub-Inspector Rossi
in command. Who are you?

- Sergeant García!
- Sergeant who?

Sergeant García, Oscar Benito!

García, don't be an ass,
come on out!

- Tell them you're gonna give up.
- Who?

- All of you.
- I do as you say, Don Ignacio.

After all this?

Before, you wanted to surrender.

But now I'm a sergeant.

Mateo can surrender.

- Go outside, Mateo. Go ahead.
- Take care, Don Ignacio.

Sure... go on.

I'm Mateo! I'm coming out!

Come out with your hands up.

I didn't want to stay but...

- I'll blast you, you son of a bitch!
- Easy!

- Shut up or I'll toast you!
- All right!

I'm the authority here!
This man's mine.

This is over.

No, I'll show you how
to treat this kind...

No, don't kill me!

Fuentes is alive...
It was crazy Pelaez they killed.

You see? They're laughing
in our faces!

Send in the bulldozers.

Smash them to pieces!

Forward! All units, full power!

- What do we do with that?
- Blast!

- Me?
- Yes, you.

I brought dynamite.

Are you OK?

Dynamite!

Those fascists.
We'll shove it up their asses!

- Fuentes?
- He's caught.

They've got him in the school.

Then it was all for nothing.

We'll get him out.

But first you.

Gotta send the boys
to the Capital...

They'd better disappear
for a while.

The Buenos Aires newspapers
will raise a stink.

Hey, you drunk, your package!

Thanks, Don Suprino...

Thank you.

Why don't they turn on the lights?

No, Torito, no, little one...
don't fail me now.

That's the way, Torito...

Torito, you little old bull!

Let's go, attack!

Attack, Torito!

It's shit!
They're dumping shit on us!

Come on, Torito, old Boy!

That's really crapping on them.

Hey, García...
García!

Come here!

- Who is it?
- Moran...

Get down.
I'm gonna blow the wall.

What do you want?

Get down,
I'm blasting the wall...

You'll kill me, goddamnit!

C'mon, there's not much time.

Wait.

Imagine me freeing a cop!

Come here, García.

- What's the matter?
- Too much wind. You light it.

We'll meet in
Gandolfo's warehouse.

What're you doing down there, García?

Sleeping, Comini.

Get out of there or...

If the General could see me...

I saw him, he must be there.

C'mon, man, let's go.

Freeze. Corporal,
you son of a bitch...

Did I scare you, Juan?

- Careful, they got me.
- Let me see.

It's nothing.

- Why not? Gonna keep fighting like that?
- How?

With your finger?
Never mind, let's find Cerviño...

and blast those goons.

- First call me sergeant.
- Don't bug me.

- Shitty drunk.
- Precious little cop.

Raise your hands and get down!

Go to hell, you motherfucker!

Drag him out.

- What are you gonna do?
- Get down.

What, did I dirty up the town?

Don't get smart-ass with me.
You clown!

- Get down!
- No, no,

if you're gonna kill me,
better do it here.

Hold it, shorty...
Who gives you orders?

Me? Nobody.

I don't take orders.
Never.

That's why I'm always up there.

- Why defend him?
- Who?

That guy, the delegate.

Fuentes?

Because he's a Peronist
and a good guy.

Peronist!

Give us a name, save yourself!

- A name?
- Who do you hang out with?

Who do you talk politics with?

Who's your best friend?

- Where is he?
- Here.

Good ol' Torito.

Five thousand hours
of flying, not a cough.

You're a jerk,

getting yourself killed.

Waste him, shorty.

- Stinking goon!
- Shut up!

Fine boy, arrogant and stuck up.

Long live Peron!

Long live Peron!

- What time is it?
- Five...

One minute to five.

Is your watch right?

Ricardito... remember...
When you were little...

you'd sing:
"Cop, slop, get the hop!"

You were little...

and I'd pretend
to be upset with you.

Such a little rascal you were.

They've blown up
the police station too.

What'll we do, sir?

Call the Army?

We'd better get out of here.

Leave the country.

You're nuts!

We fight the Lefties, don't we?

Fight the Lefties?

Fuentes...

This is Mayor Guglielmini...
you hear me?

Listen to me.
You and I don't see eye to eye...

but we're both old Peronists
after all.

Understand?

The important thing now
is to save the movement.

You agree?
Can you talk?

Yes.

Accept responsibility
for everything.

Say you started all this...

and that you'll make
a public confession.

Come on, say it...

Say it!

You know what you have to do...

The repercussion of events
in Colonia Vela...

which we'll discuss again,
later in the day...

Now we'll listen to the Zorzal criollo
with one of his famous songs.

See, Guzmán?
The Army's coming.

The Army?
We're saved!

My dear old Buenos Aires,
when I see you again...

There'll be no more regrets or pain.

Long trip, eh?

Will they listen?

The Colonel's a friend of mine.

It was a big mess.

The military don't like
civilians shooting things up...

without their permission.

- What're you gonna tell them?
- Look, Suprino...

remember our motto:
the Fatherland first,

then the movement,
and the people last.

So?

Your role wasn't
exactly brilliant...

And after all, it was
your idea, wasn't it?

Somebody must take
responsibility, Suprino.

What're you doing?
What're you doing?

Open up, you son of a bitch!

I'll have you shot,
you son of a bitch!

I'm gonna have you shot!

Stop, stop!
Goddamn you!

I'm gonna have you shot,
you son of a bitch!

I'll find you and have you shot!

What're you doing?
Stop, stop!

They killed him!
The dirty bastards!

Not yet, little brother.

Old buddy, buddy.

Hand me the bottle...
I can't see.

What happened to you?

They were... waiting... for me.

You smeared them with shit.

- So Don Ignacio won?
- Sure, the goon's took off like rabbits.

Lousy break, to die just now.

Give me a hand, García...

No, no. Leave me here
with Torito.

So we covered them with shit!

You there, fellows.

Tell Don Ignacio,
not to give in...

Look, you guys. If you talk
to Peron someday...

tell him... about me.

Hey, Juan.
You think he'll come?

- Who?
- Peron.

Why not? And if not,
we can bring him.

- You crazy?
- No, why?

We'll tell him about Ignacio...
and Mateo... and Cerviño...

How they died for him.

When the old man hears
about that, he'll be touched.

He'll speak from the balcony.

The goons will be shitting
their pants.

Hey, Sarge...

Beautiful day today.

Yeah... a Peronist day.