Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel (2009) - full transcript

Time travel...

Will turn your brain into
spaghetti if you let it.

Best not to think about it.

Best just to get on
with the job in hand,

which is destroying the enemy
before they're even born

and have a chance
to threaten us.

We're expecting
any resistance to be light

as the ancestors of our enemies
have yet to evolve any thumbs...

Or indeed spines.

But that does not change the fact
that they may one day evolve

into a species that
may pose a threat to us.



And for that reason we are gonna
rain down a fiery death upon them

that will turn the surface of their
planet into a radioactive desert!

Because we are
the planetary peace corps,

and that is what we do!

Now...

Are you nappy-- wearing
motherfuckers ready

to lock 'n' load and get it on?!

No no no no, shh.

Look, it's not even
a real gun! Ooh ooh.

Ooh. Look at all
the lights!

Shut up!

Shut up!

Man over P.A.: Due to
technical difficulties,

star ride is closed
until further notice.



Due to technical difficulties,

star ride is closed
until further notice.

Two for one at dinoburger.

Two for one at dinoburger.

It doesn't even make any sense.
Why would we do this?

Toby, don't start.

Bye, love. All right, love,
two for one at dinoburger.

We're encouraging people to eat
dinosaurs-- to eat us, you know?

Why do we do that?

We're not real dinosaurs.

We should be dressed as cavemen.

Tobe, why do you always do this?

You were the same
on the bloody ghost train.

That wasn't logical either.
Everyone knows

werewolves and vampires
are natural enemies.

There is no way they would
team up to attack a train.

Toby, stop thinking...
Yeah--

...and talking.

Yeah, you're right, actually.

We can't think that much

because a dinosaur's brain is
only the size of a walnut.

As far as talking goes, you
know, it's just like--

Tobe, tobe, tobe, stop it.

You wanna be careful you
don't get lost in the role.

I heard of this one guy
over on the star ride

actually thought
he was a space ranger--

traumatized a load of kids.
They sacked him.

Oh, hello, ray.

Didn't see you there.

Pete, tobe.

It was a crappy job, anyway.
Yeah.

Loser.
Says the man dressed as a dinosaur.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know. I was thinking
about maybe moving back home,

taking that job
at my uncle's place.

Why would you wanna do that? We
can get you another job here.

Where?
Barry burp's bubble ride.

Get you a job there easy.
High turnover

'cause of the chlorine in the eyes.
Mmm, it is tempting,

but there should be more to life
than dressing up as a bubble.

Maybe it's time to get real.

So...

In an ideal world what
would be your perfect job?

I don't know--
comics shop?

Oh, come on.
Think bigger.

Astronaut.

Yeah, cool,

but I mean your
absolute dream job.

I mean, if there was
no limit at all.

No limits?

Well, it's obvious. It's
gotta be time lord.

Oh, come to daddy.
Ooh, what's that,

four minutes, 32?

That's bollocks. You led him on.
What's this?

It was a bet. He reckoned you
were gonna mention time travel

in under five minutes.
You're making bets on me?!

The day I get fired
you're making bets on me!

He did.
I didn't want to.

I do talk about other
things, you know?

What?
Like Sci-Fi?

Ahem.
How many times?

It's not Sci-Fi, Pete.

It's science fiction,
or s.F.,

which can also stand
for speculative fiction.

Jesus. You wonder why
you can't get laid.

I can.

I do.

Some girls are
into science fiction.

Yeah, you see,
that's your problem, ray.

Your ideal girl is you...

With tits.

In fact, your ideal
girl is him...

With tits.
I object to that.

Now that was a shit film.
Yeah.

Someone should write a
letter and complain, eh?

"Dear Hollywood,
you're shit."

I mean, how hard can it be to
make a film that doesn't suck?

I've got millions
of great ideas.

Like what?
What?

Oh, come on, I wanna hear
one of your great ideas.

Okay.

Right.

Prepare to be amazed.

"Ninja yodeler."

Are you just like saying
random words, tobe?

No-- yodeler by day,
ninja by night, you see?

Oh, yeah, because the other way
around would be really stupous.

Stupid.

No, you've got ninjas
who are really quiet, yeah?

Yodelers-- really loud! There's
the conflict for the character--

torn between two roles.

He's really thought about this.

Okay, all right, cool. You know the
way that sometimes you come up

with a really shit idea,
like, on purpose,

to try and test us out?
Yeah?

Is this one?

Yeah, you got me.

Nearly had you, though.
Had him.

Yeah.
"Ninja yodeler"?

"Ninja yodeler."

How's your real script going?

Uh, I'm doing most
of the work up here, really.

Besides, every writer
needs to get out

in the real world,

have some experiences-- fresh
ones-- to enrich his work.

Really?

I thought a writer needed
to stay in and write.

Yeah, it's the eternal
enigma of creativity.

We should discuss it in the pub.

Give me that.
Oi! Oh, you thieving git!

I said that!

Come on, all great
writers steal.

Oh, ray said that!

Give it to me.
Give me my book.

Come on.

You'll see.
One day, I'll be famous

and then you'll be sorry.

"Dear Hollywood,

please stop making
so many crappy movies.

Here are a few tips
to help you out:

One, story is king--

always has been,
always will be."

This is eating
into our drinking time.

Okay. "Remakes:
Jude law...

...Han shot first,

more 'firefly'
and/or 'Serenity.'

the end."

Well, that's Hollywood sorted.

Shall we move on
to the middle east?

The pen's running out.
Oh. Always the way.

Nerds.
Hey.

Didn't we all agree to
stop using the n-word?

Didn't we?
I don't remember.

"Nerd" is the word
they use to keep us down.

You should use the term...

"Imagineer."
Yeah.

That's the nerdiest thing
I've ever heard.

You are just threatened.

You're threatened because you
don't understand our world.

What's there to understand?
I saw one "Star Trek" film.

I hated it and never looked back.
Really? Which one?

The first one
with the big gold robot

and the little fat mailer.

You mean "star wars," don't you?

Do I? Aren't they
the same thing?

No. No, they're not.

He knows.
How would I know?

I'm not a nerd

or even an imagineer.

Better.
I'm glad you're happy.

Whose round is it?

Nuh-- uh.
I got the last round.

Yeah, I got the biscuits
from the garage.

I paid for you to get
into scandals that time.

I paid
for the cloakroom.

I bought tea bags around
when you ran out.

I lent you my coat.

The snug's less busy.

Can you get
me some crisps?

Thanks.

He could be wearing
stealth lederhosen.

Jesus, you took your time.

Yes, I did.
I'll get the next round.

Well done, I was impressed.

What?
It's a lot of effort to go to.

I mean, I'm uh--

I'm rather touched.
What are you talking about?

Cassie...
Next door--

she fed me her little story.

Cassie?
The girl in the snug.

Come on, guys-- fit, funny,
dodgy American accent.

You set it up.
Just now?

Yeah.

Look, whatever. I just
wanna say thank you,

'cause I think I might actually
be in with a little chance there.

Ooh, I could see why you'd
think it would be a wind-- up.

You wanna hear what happened or not?
Absolutely.

Go on, make her
double-- jointed.

Ignore him. Come
on, I wanna hear it.

Okay.

Cassie:
Hello, ray.

Hello.
Hi.

I-- I'm sorry.
Do I know you?

I'm Cassie.

Ooh.
You don't know me,

but I know you very well--
at least, uh,

I feel like I do.

I've read all about you.

All about me?
Yeah.

I guess from your perspective those
books haven't been written yet,

but, uh--
haven't been written yet,

like from the future?

Exactly.

Ah.

Ah, I see.
You're a time traveler.

Bingo. Yes!

I didn't say I believed her.

You have invented a girlfriend, haven't you?
I have not.

Time-- traveling hottie
visits time-- travel fan.

It's not a bad idea.

How far back in time
have you come?

150 years.

And where is your, uh--
where's your time machine?

Inside me.

Oh! That's handy.

Is it like, uh, a little pill?

Uh, no. It's been
hardwired into my bones,

which have been replaced
with a polymer composite.

So it's flexible,
but very standard-- issue.

Are you a...

Space lady? Hello.

Nanoo.
Phone home.

No. No, I repair
time leaks.

Sounds exciting.
No.

No, it's not, really.

It's quite dull.

This is the only
perk of the job.

What is?

Meeting famous people
from history.

Me?

I've read that you'd be
in here on this day,

and, oh...

I just couldn't pass up a chance
of meeting ray the great.

It's what she said.

"Ray the great."

Shut up.

So what other famous
people like me...

Have you met?
Have you met Einstein?

Or Elvis?
Have you met Elvis?

You know what you should do? You
should go back and kill Hitler.

That's a classic.
That's also a time crime.

You're no fun.

Yeah, we call it editing-- trying
to erase people from history.

Like Hitler.
Yeah, like Hitler,

but a lot of the time it's more
of a personal taste thing.

Like... Paris Hilton.

Who?
Brilliant.

Oh. Well, um...

Yeah, they try
to erase them from history

just because they don't like them
or they don't like their songs

or their films or whatever.

They are totally psychotic, ray.

There's even one bunch of editors
who will try to kill artists

immediately after their greatest works.
I don't get it.

Well, it's to avoid
a decline in quality.

It'd be like killing, say...

Kevin costner right after
"dances with wolves."

You could do Morrissey--
after the smiths?

No, just generally.

George Lucas
after "jedi."

Oh, "empire" surely.

Nuh-- uh, you'd miss
the ewok battle.

Who cares?
I care.

Let's see how good
your research really is.

What is--
ahem--

the grandfather paradox?

I--

I've gotta be honest
with you, ray.

I didn't exactly
finish the manual.

It was like a brick. I'm more of a
quick-- startpamphlet kind of girl.

Yes, sure. I mean, hey,
who's got the time?

It's only history
we're messing with.

Look, I'm not totally stupid.

I mean, I can safely talk to
you because everyone knows

that you are obsessed
with time travel.

So?
So...

No one will believe you when
you tell them about this.

Very clever, ray.
Double bluff.

I still don't believe you.
What about chaos theory?

You do know about
chaos theory, right?

Yes, of course!

Chaos theory is the idea

that all actions
have consequences.

When you take that
quantumly--

okay, um,

a bit of advice: When you are
talking about this stuff,

it might be a good idea to speak
with a bit more confidence about it.

Okay.
Well, I will.

I'll bear that in mind.
Thank you.

Chaos theory is basically the idea that
tiny things can have huge consequences.

So because you delayed me
from going through there,

all the little things that I was going
to do have been delayed subsequently.

And that has
a knock-- on effect,

which can totally change
the future.

So-- so, wait. That means you're going
to drink your pint a little bit later,

which means you're going to go to
the bathroom a little bit later.

My god, ray, you're right!

That's terrible!
We're all doomed.

Do you have any idea how rare it is to
find a girl who's into science fiction

who doesn't have
everything pierced?

How do you know I haven't?

Listen, you should
come through, join us.

I'll tell the guys
what a good job you did.

Have they paid you yet?
I could get you a tip.

Not in a stripper kind of way,
because you're not a stripper,

obviously. Not that you
wouldn't make a good one--

you'd make a fine one. I'm
sure you'd look great naked.

Well put.

No, thank you. I-- I
have to go, actually.

Oh, no.
Oh, what's the rush?

Look, I've got a time leak
to find, remember?

Of course.

Okay, um, well, I'll...

See you later, then.

Hey, in the future, maybe.

Yeah. Maybe.

Could you...
Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Thank...

Bye, ray.

Bye.

Not bad, not bad at all.

Can't really say I'm buying the
time-- travelingskeleton thing--

a bit too "Terminator."

No, but I like sexy time-- traveler.
Mmm.

How does it end?
I don't know

'cause I'm not making it up.
She was real.

I know what it is.

You know how you can pay a prostitute
to act things out for you?

No, I don't.

Someone who knows ray really well has
treated him to a time-- traveling hooker.

She was nice.

And you didn't even
sleep with her.

That was probably
in with the price.

She wasn't a prostitute.

You should have slept with her.
You know why?

Why?
'Cause she'd have probably shagged you

into the middle
of the next week.

Ay. Ay.
Come on.

Come on.
Thank you, thank you.

My name's Pete and
I will be here all week.

Down those. We'll catch last
orders at the king's head.

I'm gonna take a leak.

Oh, because of the future thing.

Mmm.
Ah.

It's me.

are we off then?

Oh, shit. I will see your
time-- traveling hottie

and raise you
a pub full of dead bodies.

Is that piss on your jeans?

No...

Not all of it.

Bollocks.

Couldn't this be that leak that
your woman was looking for?

So you believe me now, do you?

I still don't, for the record.

After all I've just seen,
I'll believe anything.

Guys, I just saw
my own dead face.

Ooh.

Go in yourself.
You'll see.

I don't know.
First a future woman,

and now this.
It's--

it's like a time-- travel
murder mystery.

You guys--
it's not me!

Yeah.
Are you winding us up?

No!

Look, something very bad
is gonna happen.

I've just had a premonition
of my own death.

Then why don't you just leave?
If you're so spooked,

why don't you just run away?
Go home.

Right.
Because it's not tonight.

The other me-- the dead
me-- he had a beard.

Oh, I see, a little beard.

A tenner says something
happens when you go in.

Another bet. What little trick have
you got up your sleeve, right, petey?

Oh, this is great.
This is--

come on, let's all go.

No chance,
I'm staying right here.

Well, get my money ready.

Come on.
Are we gonna go in?

Oh, brilliant.

Are those two dead?
What? What do you mean?

Are those two dead?

Oh. No, not yet.

Pack it in.

Hello, petey.
Change your mind?

No, I'm just gonna
watch from here.

Ugh, it certainly
smells like someone died.

Shit shit shit, what the
fuck are you doing?

If you've got anything planned,
you're gonna get it too.

I haven't got anything planned.
Will you let me out, please?!

No!
Oh shit.

I'm in again.
Oh shit!

Ray, check the loos.
What?

Probably got some bloke
in a "scream" mask.

Or something even
more brilliant.

Ooh, it really does
stink in here.

You might as well just pay me now.
Ooh, look at this.

It's like a dungy,
zooey kind of a--

it's Pete's bullshit
you can smell.

Listen!
This isn't a wind-- up.

Do you really wanna
see the future?

I'd love to.

Okay.

You've got to do
exactly what I did.

What do you mean?

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I feel like I'm doing the conga

Oh, is this really
necessary, the--

I don't know, it might-- don't look!
I can't do it if you look.

I wasn't.
I wasn't.

right, hold on.
What?

There must be easier
ways to make money.

It's a science experiment.

Mm-- hmm.

Hold on tight for this bit.

wait a minute,
here's an idea--

instead of a time machine that
runs on karaoke and urine,

maybe they could have
one with a dial on,

you know, with dates on it...

Something crazy like that.

Do you really do this
every time you take a piss?

A tenner says something happens.
Yeah.

It's got to be
something definite,

like say, a pub full
of dead people--

not just some bollocks
weirdy feeling.

Okay.

What's that I can hear?
Wait.

Oh, come on. What are
they, the talki dead?

Oh my god,
everyone's still alive.

I don't know what happened
out there, but I feel dirty.

Gonna get some peanuts now.

Pay up! What?
We didn't shake hands.

What, are you 12?
Look, I swear to you,

I saw myself right here.
"Story is king--

always has been,
always will be."

This is eating
into our drinking time.

Hi.

Someone's got our seats, ray.
Have they? Oh!

Our stuff's over there.
Yeah, they looked a bit familiar, didn't they, Pete?

Just a bit.
Probably some spare seats in the snug.

That's not really
the problem, ray.

Then what's the problem?
I think you better go look.

Shall we move on
to the middle east?

The pen's running out.
Oh. Always the way.

Nerds.
Hey!

Didn't we all agree to
stop using the n-word?

Didn't we?
I don't remember.

"Nerd" is the word
they use to keep us down.

You should use the term...

"Imagineer."

Should we get the
fuck out of here?

So what do we do now, ray?

What?
This is your thing.

This is not my thing. No, my
thing is sitting on my ass

reading books about this shit,
not actually being in it.

What about the rules? There's always
rules in these things, isn't there?

Yeah, but it depends
who you read.

Well, even I know some rules.
Like what?

Like-- like you can't
tread on any butterflies.

What?!
Not just butterflies-- anything.

You can't kill
anything in the past

because it wipes out all its
descendants in the future

and you could end up wiping
out the whole human race.

Eh.
Don't sleep with anyone. It always ends up being

your mom or your gran.
Oh, that's just sick.

Ray, it's still tonight. We
haven't gone back to the blitz.

You asked for rules. I'm giving you rules.
Okay, don't kill anything,

don't fuck anything.
What else?

Don't touch yourself.
I'll be honest with you,

my mind's on other
things right now.

No, I mean, don't touch
the other us.

We can't bump into
or speak to the earlier us.

Why? Can't we just warn them
not to go into the bog?

No! No. You can't do that because
that would cause a paradox.

A what?
If they don't go into the bogs,

then they don't go back in time. And
if that doesn't happen, then...

We cease to exist.

It's a variant
of the grandfather paradox.

I fucking
hate Sci-Fi.

Science fiction.

So we go back into the toilets.
No!

We can't do that.
No, that could take us anywhere.

Yeah, but last time it took him
right back to where he started,

didn't it?
Yeah, but it also took me

to a room full of dead bodies.
See?

He's right.
It's not predictable.

So where does that
leave us, ray?

I think I've got an idea.

Hiding in a cupboard?
Yeah.

And that's gonna stop me being dead?
Look, it's simple--

we wait for the earlier
us to go into the loos

and disappear into the past.

How long do you
think that's gonna be?

About another half an hour.

Oh, you're joking. My
neck's killing me already.

Ow! Hot!
Ouch!

Bugger. Ow!

I don't know. Can you?

No pulling!

Oh, I think
I found a light.

Maybe leave the light off.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Anyone want a peanut?

No.

You know, I really thought
time travel would be

a bit more thrilling than this.

Mmm.
I know what you mean.

Oh. Oh, no,
wait a minute.

Oh my god!
What?

We're half an hour in the past.
She's still here.

Oh.

Join us. I'll tell the
guys what a good job you did.

Have they paid you yet?
I can get you a tip.

Not in a stripper kind of way, because
obviously you're not a stripper.

Not that you wouldn't
make a good one--

you'd make a fine one. I'm
sure you'd look great naked.

Wait a minute!

What's this?

I can-- I can feel
a fir tree through here.

There's-- there's a whole
other world back here...

With snow and fauns
and talking lions!

Is there?

No.

Dick.

I love "narnia."

Bye, ray.
Bye.

Cassie! Cassie!

Ray, I really have to go.

Oh. Oh, no no no.

You think I'm him.
I'm not him.

I mean, obviously I am.

Cassie, we really need your help.
First of all,

I now totally believe that
you are a time traveler.

Sorry about doubting you there.

And sorry about the whole
stripperspacewoman thing.

Okay.

And second of all, I think
we found your time leak.

It's in the gents'.

Oh oh,

very good, very good.
So the leak is, uh--

in the toilet.
Yes! Yes, it seems...

The universe has a sense of humor.
It's very funny,

and quick too.

You don't believe me.

Oh, touche.
Oh no.

No no, this is for real, okay?

Pete saw dead bodies in the pub.
Okay, well,

I-- I gotta go climb back into
my spaceship and disappear.

Why else would I have two
men in this cupboard?

I'll see you around, future boy.

Wait! Wait, Cassie.
Cassie!

I think it's time we had
another little chat, ray.

So you're sure we're okay out here?
Yes, we're fine.

No one is due out in the
garden for another 23 minutes,

so...
Okay, good.

Huh.
Um...

Ahem.

So this is a bit of a new look for you.
Do you like it?

Yes.

I mean, you know,
it's very nice.

Oh.
Very quick too.

Well, not from my point of view.

It actually took quite a bit
of time to sort all this out.

Oh, yeah? How long?
Six months.

So you just went
through the door,

went to the future for six
months and then came back out--

one second after I left you.

Wow.

Oh, thank you.
Ahem.

So, it's um--
it's all sorted, then,

with the time leak
and dead bodies.

Yep, all sorted.

Are you sure?

Ray, I didn't spend the last six
months just dyeing my hair.

I'm a professional.

Mmm.

So what was
all this about, then?

I'm sorry, I can't tell you.
What? Why not?

Because that knowledge is
anachronous to your time period.

Wow, that-- that sounded like you
really knew what you're talking about.

I know. I know.

It's great, isn't it?
I did what you told me,

and I started saying everything
with real confidence,

even if I don't have a clue.
Ha-ha.

It's just had an amazing effect.

I even got a promotion.
Really?

You got a promotion.
Well, I--

I got off probation.

Mm, that's pretty much the same.

Yeah.

And uh, what did you
reckon to me

avoiding that paradox in there?

Ray, you hid in a cupboard.

I thought I did very well
under the circumstances.

Sure, I don't have
the manual to ignore--

will you stop it
with the manual?

So how do we get back
to the right time?

Well, uh,

you're nearly there, anyway.

So we'll just wait?
Yeah.

In the cupboard?

I'm afraid so.

No glowing portal,

no vortex, no big starship?

Just sit and wait
in the cupboard?

Yeah.

Not exactly the glamour that I
had expected from time travel.

I did warn you.

Any chance I could wait
out here with you?

Why?

Just because...

It's slightly better than
wedging myself in a cupboard

with two very sweaty
men-- not a good thing.

No. No, I imagine not.

So we'll just hang out
here for awhile.

Yeah. That'd be nice.

I thought you said
we had 20 minutes.

Yeah, uh...

It's...

Not a problem.

Uh, I'm just going
to go check that out...

And maybe you should
get back in that cupboard.

But everything is gonna be okay?

Ray, relax. I told you--
I'm a professional.

Well, they do say that
things taste better outside.

My god.

"Things taste better outside"?

Twat.

Hang on.
Pack it in.

I think this is it.

Hello, petey.
Change your mind?

No, I'm just gonna
watch from here.

Shit shit shit,
what the fuck are you doing?

If you've got anything
planned, you're gonna get it too.

Where are you going?
We need to piss.

You can't go in there.
You said your woman fixed it.

I'm sure she has, tobe, but the
other us might still be in there.

Oh my-- just go
to the ladies'.

Ladies'?

I'm confused.
You're pissing in the ladies'.

Of course you're confused.

So the other
versions of us--

have gone back in
time and become us.

Well, you see, you say
that like it makes sense.

To me, it's just crazy talk.

I quite like it in the ladies'.

I'm so confused.

Look, Pete, don't worry
about it, all right?

All you need to know is that
we're back in the right time

and everything is gonna be okay.

Did you get that
girl's number, ray?

Oh, shit.

You said she fixed it.

She said she had.

Maybe she didn't expect us
to go into the ladies'.

And we didn't
do that conga thing.

Yeah, maybe that wasn't vital.

Oh, fuck this, lads.
No, Pete, wait!

Oh.
Maybe he's got the right idea.

Yeah, maybe.

Don't go in!

Oh, thank god.

It's so good to see you
again at last!

What the hell happened to you?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Let's never speak of this again.

Oh, Pete, have you
got shit on you?

Yeah, they won't attack you
if you wear their scent.

Who won't?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Uh, ray--
yeah?

What should we do now?
Don't know.

Maybe we should go back to the toilets.
Yeah.

No!

It's not safe.
We need weapons

and food. Yeah.

What the hell did happen to you?

I really don't wanna
talk about it.

All I will say is
that weapons and food...

Would be a really good idea.

Oh. Maybe we'll have
a little look around

for weapons and food first.

Yeah. Sounds
like a plan.

What do you think happened?

You're a little bit excited, aren't you?
A little bit.

Come on, it's--
it's the future.

I've always wanted to go there.

No more running, no more
hiding, no more bad dreams.

You know, for someone who real
doesn't wanna talk about it,

he can be quite chatty,
can't he?

Weapons and food--
that's what we need!

Crisp, anyone?

You check the sell-- by date
on those?

May...

2094.

How do they taste?

Off.

So whose round is it?

Ahh--
ehh!

Guys...

I think I've seen us.

What?
One time I bumped into three guys

who were dressed
like this--

like we are now--

--only I didn't recognize them.

Us?
In the future?

Must've been.

But we've only just
put these on.

It's time travel--
shit like that happens.

Did we look well?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Too busy running in the
other direction to notice.

Come on, let's get back
to the toilets.

Whoa whoa whoa.
What?

But we've only just got here.

I think we've all got
the idea, haven't we?

Hmm?
The future's broken.

But we have to have a little look around.
I mean, how can we not?

Are you serious?
Have you actually looked out there, ray?

This might just be a bad area.

In a bad area, all right, windows get put
through, kids drink on street corners.

That is the end
of the fucking world.

Ray, don't you want to go home?

Of course I do.
Just, you know,

in a little while.

The way home isn't out there.
It's in there.

And I want to go home.
I really do.

And every time I go in and come out, I
pray I'm gonna to be in the right time.

One day I will be.

Pete, exactly how long
have you been doing this?

Long enough to know
it's better done in packs...

That doesn't sound good.

...so they can't
attack you from behind.

Or that.
Let's just sit down,

all right, in the warm and wait

for rescue, okay?

Rescue?
No one knows we're here.

At least out there, there might
be someone who can help us.

Like who?
I don't know.

Like-- like-- ooh, like
friendly future people

with huge heads.
You're living in a dream world,

both of you!

I'm gonna go and get a bit of wood.
Thanks, Pete.

Not for the fire. I'm gonna
turn this into a spear.

When I get back, you two--
you'd better be ready to go

'cause I'm not
going alone again.

What's up with you?
What?

How many times have we talked
about seeing the future, tobe?

I'm not going out there.

Those look like the sort of
streets monsters run down.

Besides, ray, I haven't really got
the right shoes on for the rubble.

There's always something
with you, tobe, isn't it?

"Oh, I couldn't send my script
out; The margins were too wide."

"I couldn't go to that job interview;
There was a spot on my elbow."

"I can't go exploring;
It's the end of the world."

That last one's actually
quite a good one.

No, it's fine.

You just--
you just wait there

for rescue.

And you call yourself
an imagineer.

Ray!

Ray!

Toby!
Pete!

What's going on?
You okay?

Is everything
all right out here?

Oh my god.

What does it mean, ray?

What does it mean?!

It's us.
Do you think?

Your woman said
you'd get famous, right?

Well, maybe we all do.

What for?
I don't know.

Maybe we form a band.

Can anybody play anything?

Maybe we learn?
And maybe it's not a band.

Do you think-- do you
think they did it from photos

or do you think we posed?

We're dressed as we are now.
Yeah, that's a head fuck.

Whoa!

What was that?
What was what?

That noise.
There was no noise.

Pete?

Shit!
What the fuck was that?

It sounded like mandibles.
What?

It's what insects eat with.
I know what mandibles are.

Big insects.
There was another sound. It was like a moaning sound.

Big moaning insects.
Back to the toilets.

No no no, wait wait wait.

We don't know that for sure.
Yeah, I mean,

the insects
could be... anything.

Right, it could be like... my
big friendly future people,

you know, with their little spindly
bodies and their huge hands.

I think we got a little bit
spooked over nothing.

Shh! Things can come
in here as well, you know?

Things? What kind of things?
Shh.

No no no.
I will not "shh."

You're freaking me out.
Toby, leave him alone.

No no, ray.
Look at him.

He is covered in shit
and scared shitless.

Don't you think it would be handy
to know what did that to him?

Aren't you just a little bit curious about--
Shh.

One time I came in here,

I went out through that door,

and I fell.

Must've been when the ground
level was different--

40 feet different.

I landed in a wood.

I couldn't tell you
what time I was in.

If it was the past,
then our fossil records

are pretty fucking far
from complete.

But I wasn't the first to fall.

You met other people?
I didn't say they were alive.

There were things
in that wood--

they only came out at night...

The breathing...

The noises...

The screams.

Whoa!

Pack it in.

Hello, petey.
Change your mind?

Shit shit shit.
What the fuck are you doing?

If you've got anything planned,
you're gonna get it too.

It's us.

I haven't got anything planned.
Will you let me out, please?

We can warn ourselves.
No no no, if we do that, then we cease to exist.

Oh shit.
Exactly.

What?
Probably got some bloke in a "scream" mask.

Not a fucking sound.

Ooh, it really does
stink in here.

You might as
well just pay me now.

It's like
a dungy zooey--

it's Pete's bullshit you can smell.
Listen!

Do you really want to see the future?
I'd love to.

Then we've got to
do exactly what I did.

gone.

Oh, that's just great.
That's so fucking great!

I could have saved myself--
saved us.

Pete, we'll cease to exist.

Yeah, well, I don't care.

And if I get the chance
to warn myself again,

I'm gonna do it and the hell with
anyone who tries to stop me.

Shit.

I was wondering when
that was gonna happen.

Wait!
Pete, no!

Pete, no!
Pete!

What is this?
Okay, ray, keep it together. Keep it together.

What would miss marple do?
What would miss marple do?

How can there be hundreds of us?

Did Pete touch himself? Is this what
happens when you do a big paradox, hmmm?

They aren't us, tobe.
They're only dressed like us.

Oh, well, that's all right then.
Now it makes complete sense.

Okay, what we need
to do now is find Pete

and get the hell out of here.

tobe,

I think I know why
everyone is dressed like us.

Why?
It's a theme night--

a fan theme night
based around us.

Come on. It's a bit
of a stretch, isn't it?

What makes you think that?
Big sign just over there.

Fans... of us.

Do you think we're here?
What?

The famous future us.

Oh my god, I hope not.

Yes, it is me.

Hello.

What the hell are you doing?
Chill out, ray.

These are my people.
No, they're not. And this isn't even our time.

Can't we just soak up
a bit of the love?

No, we can't.

Now this is what
I call a future.

Well, tough,

because we are just here to find
Pete and get the hell out of here,

so now you just stay
where I can see you.

Guys, is it the real you?

It's the real us.
Oh!

Did you touch yourself?
No.

But I think I've broken time.

The whole world's full of us.
You haven't broken time, you knob head.

Yes, Pete, what you did
was very very dangerous.

And I want you to promise me
that you'll never do it again.

No.
What's that?

Someone slapped it on me.

He's won the Pete
lookalike competition.

Well, he does look
a lot like him.

You do. I wonder if
they did one for me.

Okay, let's go.

Uh, guys?
What?

Look.

Oh.

I'm writing.

I'm Jesus and I'm writing.

It's that letter thing
to Hollywood.

This isn't my fault
as well, is it?

When I broke time?
This is probably something else, Pete.

Are you sure it's that letter?

It's blank
in the painting, but--

I left it on that table.
It has to be that.

Oh, so someone does a painting of
us because we slag off some films?

Of course it sounds stupid
if you put it like that.

You ripped that page out
of your little book, right?

Yeah, and?

Was there anything on the back?

Might've been.
Might've been?

Shut up.
I'm just trying to think.

You know, every time I
come up with a genius idea

or one of you two says something
stupid, I put it in there.

God, could be anything.

It doesn't matter
what it is, does it?

What do you mean?
You don't do paintings of nobodies.

Whatever I wrote,
it turns us into somebodies.

I think it's safe to say we
are rich and we are famous.

Then why aren't we smiling?

I don't know, maybe the artist
wasn't very good at teeth.

Maybe it's a memorial.
Oh, drop it with the bodies.

His woman said she fixed it.
Oh, yeah.

She said she'd fixed the time leak and I
end up getting chased about by monsters.

If Cassie said that we're
safe, then we are safe.

I trust her.
Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Let's go.
Whoa, slow down!

Let me finish this drink.
What?

Where did you get that?
Some waiter guy.

It's free bar.
Would you like to stock up on the buffet while we're here?

There's a buffet?!
Oh.

Hey, guys, the cavalry's here.

Cassie says hello.
You know Cassie?

I trained her. Sergeant
Porter, causal adjust,

but you can
call me Millie. Hi.

I'm here to get you home.

Hello, Millie.
Hi. We've been looking for you guys everywhere.

Us, what--
are we safe?

We don't get killed?
Uh, well, officially, I can't comment.

But unofficially,
everything is sorted.

Oh!

But I still get
rich and famous, right?

Officially, I cannot comment, but
unofficially you get your own island.

Yes!

Okay, so how the hell
do we get out of here?

Okay, well, you just
leave that to me.

Okay.
Okay.

Come on, boys.

Okay, a little bit weird,

but it turns out everybody
in the future...

American.

Come on.

I thought she was going to do something more
than tell us to get back into the bogs.

Yeah, me too.

So are we back?

We're back.

Yeah, but at what time
of night exactly?

Pfft!
We can't slag off sequels.

You know? There have been
some really good sequels.

Like?
Like, uh...

"Mad Max 2,"
"godfather ii."

Yeah, but for every
good one there are 10--

I wish they'd just
hurry up and bugger off.

Yeah, it's gonna be
another little while yet.

Look at us-- not a
care in the world.

They have no idea
what's in store.

Okay, ladies, um...

We know they stay there
for awhile.

I think it's worth the risk.

There you go, mates.

Gonna get some peanuts.

What, are you 12?
Look, I swear to you-- I saw myself right here.

Huh?
Where are my crisps?

I'm starving.
The bar was a little busy.

Maybe later.

Oh, brilliant.

They say that time travel
adds 20 lbs.

And you've traveled a lot.

Are those two dead?
What?

What do you mean?

Are those two dead?

Oh, no, not yet.

Finally.

Ah-- ah-- ah-- ah-- ah!

Are we ready, children?

Come on.
Get on with it.

Well, I never!

It's nuts.
I never would have thought it was that.

So do we just leave it here?

Yeah. Yeah, I assume
someone just finds it

and it all goes from here.

I think-- I think
I feel good about it.

Do you feel good about it, tobe?
It was my idea.

My idea.
Our idea.

You might've come up with
the seed, but I watered it.

Yes, but without our seed

you have nothing.
Yeah.

You've got mud.
All right, well, you can have a little bit of my island.

Screw that. I don't want
to live on your island.

It's fine by me.
I need a piss.

Yes, I'll go outside.

Don't touch yourself.
Oh ho.

Yeah, good times.

I want my own island.

Cassie:
Ahem. Hi!

Hi!

I was hoping
you'd come back--

obviously not
at that precise moment.

But, um, hey.

So how long has it been for
you since we were last--

oh, another six months.

I got a promotion.
Oh.

This time it's for real.

Yeah, it was for
sorting all this out.

So...

You want to ask me if I read
the whole manual, don't you?

Thought never even
crossed my mind.

Well, ray, I am
rewriting the manual.

Good for you.

So, um, you have
a nice night tonight?

Well, you know, just a quiet
drink with the boys in the pub--

very dull. I did meet
this one girl, though.

Really?
She said she was from the future.

What was she like?

She was just...

Awful.
Oh!

Oh no, she was great.
She was great.

You know, I never
thought I'd say it,

but it's good to be back
in the present.

I don't know.

All this fuss over half an hour?

What? What are you
talking about?

We went years into the
future-- decades.

Oh, that's very funny.

Cassie, I'm deadly serious.

We went into the ladies'
through another time leak

and it brought us to this pub
but in the future--

way into the future.
You were searching for us--

Millie and you and all
your lot-- causal adjust.

Ray, causal adjust is just
another name for the editors.

The who?
I told you about them.

They kill people at their finest hour.
Millie's an editor, ray.

Oh, shit.

She brought us back here. She brought
us here-- why would she do that?

Why do you think?
To kill you.

Oh no.
What do we do?

Okay, well, I'm going to go get
help and you just stay put.

I've got to go and warn the boys.
Ray, it's not safe in there.

I can't just leave them, Cassie.
Look, you bring help

and I'll--

I'll do what I can.

Ray!

Please be careful.

Whoa!
Watch it, dude.

Guys, we're screwed.
What?

Millie is an editor.
A what?

An editor.
Remember, they kill people

at their finest hour?
Like-- like Kevin costner.

And I think that this--
this was ours.

Oh, let's get out of here.

No no no no no, wait wait wait.
There's no point.

There's no point. They'll only find
us some other time, some other place.

What do we do, ray?

That's odd.

I can't get a signal.

We burn this.
What?

We burn this, we change history. Without
this they have no reason to kill us.

You don't know for sure
we're in danger.

Cassie said.
I don't care what she said.

Tobe, I saw this place
full of bodies.

Look, ray, just think about
what you're throwing away.

If you burn that,
we don't get rich.

We don't get famous.
We don't get dead.

Look, I've come up
with a lot of ideas--

a lot of shit ideas.
Tobe--

and I know you laugh at them, but
I don't mind because I thought,

you know, if I keep going,

one day I'd come up
with something good.

Well, what if this is it? The
one idea that makes it for me?

My one chance.

Don't burn it, ray.

It's not even your idea.
I say we burn it.

You fucking would! You've
always hated my ideas.

Are you even listening?
It's not even your idea!

Guys! Okay, guys, we don't
have time for this, right?

Just-- Pete, give me
the lighter.

Toby, don't--!
You give it to me!

Toby, you--

Pete, what's up with this?

Two months in a wood
trying to stay alive--

that's what's up
with the lighter.

Come here. Okay, you keep trying.
I'm gonna get some matches.

Give me a go.
No.

Give me a go.
No.

I'll be fine, just give me a go.

Excuse me.
Ahem.

Hi.
Hey, what's happening?

We're on our own.
I'm offline.

What do you mean?
My time machine inside me-- it's blocked.

Give me the lighter.
No.

Just give it to me.
No way.

Give me the fucking
letter, Pete.

Not a chance.
And so you deny me three times.

That's why you were in the painting.
You're Judas.

It's Peter, you moron!
Excuse me,

all I want is a box of matches!
Yeah, all right.

What's your point?
In the Bible, it was Peter who denied Jesus

three times, you fat twat.

Hey, that's enough, lads!

Time at the bar!

Get off me,
you bell-- end.

This is it.

Hi.

I have seen the original
before, of course,

but in a museum.
So just to be here

tonight with the creators
on the night it all began...

Is just such a rush.

But I am sorry to say tonight

is as good as it gets.

You don't change or add to
culture in any meaningful way.

This is what you're always
going to be remembered for.

So why not go out with a bang
rather than fade away?

Get away from him, ye bitch!

Hello. I'm sorry.

I'm pointing
a rather large gun at you.

Uh, yeah. Which you got
from when exactly?

Centuries beyond your time.

So what is it?

What is it?

I'll tell-- ahem--
I'll tell you what it is.

It's a mark iv carbomite
assault staff--

the planetary peace corps's
best friend.

It'll work in an absolute
vacuum and at absolute zero.

Cold-- fusion battery--
good for 50 years.

It fires homing plasma orbs

that'll cut through
titanium plate 4" thick.

Really?

Well...

You didn't, like,
mention its range.

I'd hit you from here.

Now get off the big guy.

Millie, I know what
you're trying to do.

The future generations leading from
this room that wouldn't be born--

chaos theory on a massive scale.

Right, that's it!
I'm calling the police.

Oh, stop it.
Fucking stop it.

Everybody freeze!

Ain't nobody going nowhere.

Hey, drop your weapons.

You see any weapons, ray?

See, my time machine has
a built-- in armament system.

So to "drop my weapons"

would require about--

Yeah, 12 hours of surgery.

You know what?

I think we're gonna have a
little stand-- off here today.

Oh...

Unless of course
you're bluffing.

Unless, of course, that is

a plastic toy gun
you made for work, ray.

Oh, poo.

That's a nice try.

I messed up, ray.
I'm sorry.

No no, don't worry about it.

All in all it's been
a pretty good day.

You know, I traveled
through time, met you.

Know what?

I am sensing
a little bit of resistance

to this whole immortality deal

I am offering here.

Toby, all you have to do

is destroy that
little piece of paper

and you get to live
to write another day

in your book of bad ideas

and your
dead-- end job.

Wow.

Or you could give it to me

and I'll turn you
all into legends.

What do you say?

Come on, tobe.

I-- I just-- I just need
a little time to think.

What is there to think about?

She's gonna fucking kill us.

It's not that simple.

Ah ah ah ah ah!

Now this is his choice
and his alone.

Oh no, the song!

This fucking song!

You know, if there was one thing I
could change about this situation,

it would not be the song
on the fucking jukebox!

Time's up!

Now what's it gonna be?

Toby?

Fuck you.
Chuck it!

No!

Whoo, wow.

Janey Mac.

Oh...

Did you do that?
Yep.

With my pint?

We were just dead.

Yeah.
But--

but now we're not.
No.

So what--
what happened exactly?

I knocked a pint onto this--
my pint. My pint.

I knocked Pete's pint onto this,

um, so no one could read it.
So the future

then changed because
we didn't become famous,

so the editors didn't
send anybody to kill us.

Wow.

I think you got that wrong.

What?
Well, Pete downed his pint, didn't he?

So that was probably my pint.

Jesus, could we focus on
the us-- being-- alive-- again thing?

Well yeah, you know, obviously.
Well done, ray.

Is that it?
Is it all over?

We're all okay?

Yeah, I think so.

Wow.

I've gone off this pub
a little bit.

Should we go down to the king's head?
Why not?

So-- so everything
that happened tonight...

Couldn't happen, didn't happen.

Including me meeting Cassie.

Tsk. Oh.

Yeah. Come on, let's go.
Right.

I swear I will never use
a pub toilet again.

It's too dangerous.

And that's all you're taking
away from this evening?

No!
So we're definitely safe now, yeah?

I suppose.
Suppose?!

You're the nerds.
Can't you work it out?

Well, yeah, you know?
Time reset, so the pub

was never full of dead people.

So you owe me a tenner.
Come on!

Okay then, if time reset,
the bet never happened.

Well, I did
only say "suppose."

It's Cassie!
Ray!

Oh, thank god you're alive!

Ha.
Oh.

So you remember me then?
Of course I remember you.

We've been going out
for two years.

We've-- what?!
Really?

Yeah. Yes.
Two years?

That's... wow.
Um...

Oh, uh...

Right, this is Pete and tobe.

Hiya.
Hello.

This is Cassie.
She's my girlfriend.

Ray, listen, when you
knocked that pint over,

you created a feedback loop
through the fabric of space-- time.

The repercussions have been
enormous-- leaks everywhere.

Whoa.
Two years, huh?

Wow.
So we must have, uh--

have we had any of the...

Mmm?
I don't know what you're talking about.

Unless of course you
mean sex, which, yeah.

Yes, yeah, we've done that lots.

Lots.

Was I any good?
Ray!

I love you, but we only have
14 hours to save the earth.

So you have to come with me now!

Okay.
Yeah, good luck with that, guys!

Yeah, we'll be
in the king's head.

What? You guys
have to come too!

I think I've done enough time
travel for one night, thanks.

It's not time travel.
It's a parallel universe!

Parallel universe?
Let's go, the portal's closing!

What the fuck's a portal?
Come on!

Look, why don't you two go?

Because someone should stay and
look after the coats and the bags.

Besides, I thought I might go
for your job on the star ride.

I was gonna apply for that!

I said it first.
Guys, guys, listen to yourselves.

Look, this is our one chance
to do something important.

Yeah, we might fuck it up.

To be honest, we probably will.

Okay, we definitely will.
But...

Who's with me?

Please?

As long as we're back
for last orders.

There's my imagineers.

Okay, let's do this.

One...

Two--
I fucking hate Sci-Fi.

"Science fiction"--
three!

have we gone?

I suppose.

All right. Come on, Toby.
It's over.

Bollocks.

Get back, freak!

Help me!

Toby, wait!

Don't be frightened,
it's me-- Toby!

This is all getting a
little bit too complicated.