French Dirty (2015) - full transcript

[Vincent] Thinking back
over the last year, I realize,

the moment I met Roma
is when it all started
to change.

Un...

Deux...

Troi...

Quatre...

Cinq...

Six...

Sept...

Huit...

Neuf...



Dix.

This is me.

1988, three years old,
before things got complicated.

This is my best friend Steve.

We still have sleepovers.

These are my parents.

I was the ring bearer
at their wedding,

which I guess
makes me a bastard.

For so long they were...
so in love.

It was just their friends
and me.

Eventually, a little sister
and... it was perfect.

And then, I don't know,

life, time, age, bills, routine,

I guess life always finds
a way to complicate itself,



if you let it.

And it did.

One house turned into two...

And that's when I became
a latchkey kid.

Just always had a key
and a shoelace
around my neck.

My mom thought
that if I had my own key,

I would feel
more like a grown up,

but I don't know if I ever did.

[heavy breathing]

[female moaning]

[female panting]

[moans]

[Roma]
How are we going to do this?

[Vincent]
I think we have to tell
Steve today.

[screaming]
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

[phone vibrating]

[message ring tone]

[dial tone]

[Steve's voice]
Hey, guys,
you've reached Steve.

I'm out of town
and away from the phone
this weekend,

but can check
on my messages
so leave one.

[beeps]

[Vincent]
Steve-O, what up. It's me, man.

Um. Hope you got back
in town all right?

You're probably at work
now, um...

Listen, I want to talk to you
about something.

So, let's meet at St. Nick's
tonight, seven?

Call you later, dude, peace.

[Vincent] Directly at me.

Can we focus, please?

That hurt... that hurt you?

- [Vincent] You went straight...
- I know. It was kind of hard.

[Vincent]
Yeah, that one hurt.

Look, no, but seriously,
we have to focus
for a second, okay?

'cause this is really...
this is important.

What we do can affect
the temperature
of the whole place,

all these people are
counting on us.
They need to know...

Okay, all the people
are counting on us.

All of them.
They need to know.

So like, what order,
we're figuring out,
there's a science to this.

[beeps]

Whoa, whoa...

You can't just go
pressing it, either.

Let's make sure
we're on the same page here,

you know what I mean?

- Okay.
- Okay, good.

Look at these album covers
right here.

Simon & Garfunkel,
this dude's directly behind him.

- And he's like...
- Seriously.

-He's like eating...
-It's like, if I were standing
in front of you...

Cougar, that's a strange
position to be in,
for a cover.

But that's fine,
we'll give that one to him.

Let's see.
That is perfect.

This is like...

- You kind of look like him.
- Yeah?

You know Joe Cocker?

Yes, of course, he's the only
one to cover a Beatles song

and do it better.

And, you know,
some things you don't touch.

Some things are just off limits,

but he went there
and he did it to perfection.

He did it better. Mmm-hmm.

I'm impressed, I'm impressed.
I just want to say that.

- [beeps]
- No. You just pressed it.

We didn't even have
a dialog about it.

- Ooo...
- Now you're...

["Notre bloc"
by Les Fées de Paris playing]

[Roma giggling]

Whoo! [laughing]

[giggling] Hey, baby.

[both kissing]

- [Steve] Whoo!
- [Roma giggling]

So beautiful.

[Steve laughs maniacally]

[Steve]
Getting wild tonight, boy?

Yeah, milady.

[Roma] Slow down!
Slow down! [chuckles]

- Come here. Threesome.
- Hey, man.

- [Roma] No...
- Whoo!

Where's my drink?

It's right there.

Yeah!

I missed you.

[Steve]
I missed you!

Excusez moi, excusez moi.

Sorry, I don't speak it.

No, pardon, uh,
I'm looking for...

Coeur esprit.

- Yeah, I don't...
- Yes, uh, no.

Melrose Avenue,
Hearts and Spirits.

Melrose, yeah.
If you just keep
on going that way

and then you make a right,
and then another left

and you'll find it.

-Okay?
-Okay, yeah.
And can I feet?

Can you what?

Can I feet?

Yeah, see, I'm not...

I'm joking. Can I walk there,
with my foot, by feet? [giggles]

With your foot by feet.

Yeah.

Come on, I'll feet you.

Yeah?

I'll... yeah.

Nice, thank you.

These maps.

It's a big city, LA, huh?

I like the weather here.

I mean, it's pretty smoggy here.

Huh?

Smoggy, like,
[imitating choking]
you know?

- Don't do that. Yeah.
- Can't breathe.

Hmm.

Do you know, um...
Do you know a joke?

Joke? No. I'm not
really funny, you know?

Well, I have one joke.
Want to hear my joke? Okay.

It's...

A couple in bed,
they wake up,
it's in the morning,

the man, he wants to have sex,
he's like...
[imitating kissing]

And the girl is like,
"Oh, no, I cannot today

'cause I'm seeing the lady
doctor, the genecologist."

The gynecologist, yeah?

Yeah, genecologist and...

And she said I don't want,
you know, her to see...

It's disgusting.

So, the man is sad, 'cause he
really want to have sex.

And then he said to her,
"Yes, but are you seeing
the dentist today?"

- That's funny.
- That's funny.

[Vincent]
You got a boyfriend?

[Josephine] Yes, I do.

We've been together,
like, two years,

and, uh, yeah.

You love him?

- Of course, I do. Yes.
- [phone ringing]

He's perfect, you know.

I mean, you know, for me.

Anything.

Hey, I'm sorry, I just gotta...

Sure.

Hello?

Hey, Ma.

No, I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now.

Cookies?

I see you all the time,
you know.

Yeah, okay. Bye.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I heard cookies.

Yeah, my mom she wants me
to bring her cookies. Um...

But look, Melrose
is just right over there.

I'm sorry I have to run,
it was really nice meeting you.

I would love to meet your mom.

I'd love to eat cookies
with you guys.

Uh, no.

Come on, don't be
a mud in sticks.

Wait for me here.

Just a second and I'll be back.

I'll run, back and forth.

[Jess]
He's going to see us.

[Roma] Jess, Jess, come here,
come here, come here

Come here, come here, quick!

[Vincent]
Guys, this is beautiful up here.

-I'm really glad we...
got away, ya know?
-[Jess laughing]

Sucks.

[Steve] Twirl.

- Twirl.
- [Vincent] Thank you.

Thanks for... leaving me
here, it's great.

I got you, yeah, whoo!

[laughing]

You're just going to leave me?

[Steve] Bye.

That's cool.
Let's go get in the jacuzzi.

It's a little warm but it'll
still be nice, bubbles.

[female howling]

[Vincent] Let's go.

[Steve] Stay sharp, baby.

[Roma] Baby, stay sharp.

[Vincent] Movie.

Heart.

Big heart.

- Love.
- Yes.

Love.

Wristwatch?

Time, time, love, time.

Love in the Time of Cholera!
[laughs] Got it!

- She got cholera!
- That was unbelievable!

You're absolutely...
They're cheating!
That was cheating!

We'll show you
how it's really done.

-[Roma] Oh, really?
I'm going to show you
-how it's really done.

That's what you're gonna do?

I'm absolutely gonna show
you how it's done.

You're gonna show
us how it's done?

- Absolutely, positively.
- How are you gonna do that?

-Show me, baby.
-I'll show you all day,
baby girl.

I'mma show you all day.

[Steve]
Game time. Let's get it.

Uh... A pirate? Maybe pirate?

It's a movie.

[Steve]
Addict, drug addict.

Heroin, heroin! Addict!

Heroin junkie!
Yes, heroin junkie!

What game are you playing,
do you know how this works?

- [Steve] Stay sharp, baby.
- Yea, baby. Stay sharp.

What, what, what...
Let's get this.

What the "H" is that?

Okay, sounds like, movie,
syl-la-ble.

Do you know how to fucking draw
a straight line

or are you some retarded
kindergartener?

Jessica, I be learning still.

Please don't be mad,
we be friends.

And just like a side-note,
people, I think this
should be said,

but, like, it's charades,
so no one should be talking.

You know, like don't use your
words kind of thing, right.

Time for the 'cuzz.

- Whoo!
- Woo-hoo!

I wanna go in the 'cuzz.

[Roma]
Oh, yes, girl,
drink it up. Mmm-hmm.

I feel you, I really do.

- What? Oh, my God!
- Whoa-ho-hoo!

She just put that bottle to bed.

That's sexy, babe, I like that.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Mamacita.

[Roma]
Yeah, baby.

Tiger time.

Oh, I love it when you wear
those googles on your head.

- Rawr! Rawr!
- Rawr!

[Vincent]
We're going to go, too.

[Roma] You guys coming?

Maybe in a bit.

Aye! You little fuckers.

- They're gonna have sex!
- Do it!

Yeah, we'll see you in five,
you fuckin' fuckers.

[Roma giggling] Hurry up.

We'll be out there.

- [Roma] Yeah!
- [Steve] Whoo!

'Cuzzi, 'cuzzi, 'cuzzi.

'Cuzzi, cuzzi, cuzzi, cuzzi.

Babe?

What is that?

What?

That.

No. Please don't do that.

What, why are you acting
like this?

Vince.

Yes?

What? What is it?

[sighs] You know what.

Yeah, I wanted to go
in the jacuzzi,
but it's cool.

You're in love with her,
it's obvious.

What?

It is. And it's embarrassing.

You used to be
so in love with me.

I don't know,
maybe somewhere you still are,

but what am I supposed
to do with this?

- Come on.
- No, don't. Tell me!

What do you want me
to do with this?

You have nothing to say.

[sighs]

You know everyone loves you,

but really deep down,

you're an asshole

and it sucks.

You want gum?

No, thanks.

Cookies, cookies.
[giggles]

Cookie monster.

Hey, no way,
what did you just do?

What?

You just put
the papers in the street.

Oh. Why would you do that?

You should not.

Yeah, you're right, I just...

You should care, you live in LA.

I do care.

This is the planet.
No, you don't.

- I care about the planet.
- You do that.

Of course I care
about the planet,
I'm sorry.

You know that when
the planet is mad,
it's really bad.

Really bad.
Should not do that.

You want me to go get it?

No, for real, do you want me
to go back and get it or no?

Once it's done,
it's done, come on.

You cannot go back
when you trash the world
like this.

But, I'll make you
think about
it on the way back.

[phone beeps]

Who's that? Roma?

Hmm.

[Steve]
Dude, you gotta...

You gotta stop it, man,
for real, all right?

-Can't stop, won't stop, baby.
Stay sharp.
-Okay.

Dude, we got to get you
out of this shit, you up?

What? Wake the fuck up!
Stay sharp.

I'm up, man, I'm fucking sharp.

Man, you ain't sharp,

you as dull as an
old man's dick
reading Dostoevsky.

Okay, this is not helping
the situation, all right?

Stop! For real man,
what the fuck?

You tell me, brother.
You tell me what the fuck is up.

[Vincent groans]

Fuck! That one kind of hurt,
all right?

That's good, that's good.
I want them all
to fucking hurt, man.

That means you're alive.

How's that feeling?
That's what feelings is.

- Okay.
- Come on, man.

[Vincent] Thank you.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Enough! All right?
That's fucking enough.

Smile bigger, smile bigger.
Uh...

Smile bigger
or else the pile driver's
coming.

Do you want the pile driver?

I do not want the pile drivers.

[Steve]
Come on, come on.

- What?
- Fuck her, fuck her.

Jess is, listen, man,
real talk, real talk.

Put out those positive vibes,

and the world's going
to reciprocate ten-fold,

I promise you, man.

You'll find your sweetheart.

[police siren wailing]

Boom! [laughs]

Do it again,
do it fucking again.

-Stay sharp, baby!
Stay fucking sharp!
-Yeah, baby!

[both shouting]

Yeah! That's what
I'm fucking talking about, dude.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Get the fuck off.

[Roma's voice]
How are we going to do this?

I think you're good
to drive home.

No, baby, we're shacking up
tonight, man.

♪ Two 30-year-old guys
We're so alive ♪

♪ And so well
And so ready for love ♪

Cool? Ow!

- How about this version?
- Uh-huh.

♪ We're two 30-year-old guys ♪

♪ We're so alive
We're so well ♪

- Yeah, I like that.
- All right, what about this?

♪ We're two 30 year-old guys ♪

♪ We're going to die, tonight ♪

Bro, that's not the energy, man.
You gotta stay sharp.

Nee-Noo.

Seriously, man, we gotta
get you out of this state,
man, you gotta clean up.

God, is this what
I think this is?

Yep, Jess's toothbrush.

Nope.

- Why would you?
- Nope.

And is this, is this...

- Nope.
- Those are her bobby pins.

Absolutely not.

She used to have bobby pins,

but thanks for helping me
clean up, I appreciate that.

The truth is, I think,
what I think the solution is,

I think you just need to
bang a chick.

Whoa. That felt aggressive.

When did the words for sex
just get so violent?

I smashed her softly.

Uh... I read
those cheeks, gently.

I laid that pipe,
constructively.

You say it is like
a god damn construction site.

I raided her with my cock!

I ram-shackled her...
to the bed.

It's definitely...
it's definitely
a conquering situation.

It's kind of like Genghis Khan
to the rescue.

Sex, we're going to have sex.

Yeah, except when
you're in love
though, baby. Mmm...

No, definitely when you're
in love. Kinda, like, specially
when you're in love.

-No, no, see,
when you're in love...
-We're in love.

When you're in love,
it's just... it's different.

You know, I mean,
there's energy
and there's vigor.

But it's, um...
How do I put it?
It's like a conversation.

You know what I mean?
It's intense!

Like me, I'm definitely
destroying her,

You know what I mean?
That's definitely
what's happening.

But it's just, like,
I'm destroying her in...
in the best of ways,

you know what I mean?
It's just like...

I'm just truthfully
and righteously

and honorably,

destroying her.

In... just the best ways.

With chivalry, I mean,
does that make sense?

Did you really bring that over
to my house to sleep tonight?

Yeah.

You carry that with you
wherever you go?

Every night, baby.
You know, if I miss
one night of this guy,

that's what happens
to my teeth. Whee!

No, can't get out of the rhythm.

Sleep time!

- Hi, Ma.
- Look at you.

My baby's such a handsome man.

I just wish you didn't look
so much like him.

Come on in.

Um... What happened?

I don't want to
talk about it,
okay?

- So?
- I just...

No, I said what happened?

- Can I get...
- No, just go on.

Are you going to let me talk?
Or you just...

You always do this!

Okay, you get these girls
to like you and then you
go down this road and...

Okay, I like Jess.

I mean I wish I had that.

You better get your
own life together before
you get yourself a man.

Talking about
"you wish you had that."

You look good.

I've been working out,

-I've been doing burpees.
Okay, watch.
-Yeah?

Whoa!

You gotta really
throw yourself
on the ground like that.

Most guys don't even know
how to do it right.

- [grunts]
- Right.

Tanny, please, not in the house.

And Vincent, you going to
introduce your friend

or are you just going to
let her stand
over there in the corner?

-This is Josephine.
-[Tanny] Already
got someone new.

Don't take this one long at all.

Hello.

[Vincent]
She's a friend.

- [Ma] Uh-huh.
- [Tanny] Uh-huh.

Come on, baby.
Come on in the kitchen.

[Ma] What you got in the bag?

Cookies.

- Vincent.
- What?

What happened?

With what?

With Jess, what happened?

We broke up two months ago,
okay, Tanny?

Okay, well, I just haven't
seen you in a while.

Well, I guess that makes me
a bad brother.

Okay, I didn't say all that.

So, what happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

Who is she?

- She's a friend.
- A friend?

Take a look at this.

I got this last night.

-They say it's French food.
-[Tanny] So you already
at it again.

- I don't know.
- Oh, yes!

It is! Ratatouille.

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

I didn't think
it was that good,
but you try it.

Tell me if you think it's good.

...this thing that you
keep doing.

I really don't need
life advice from you right now,
okay? Please.

[Grandma]
Vincent, is that you?

Grandma's here?

You better go say hi.

Hey, baby, can you get
that lemonade
and bring it in here?

Yeah.

I missed you when I came in.

I was outside getting lemons.

Hi.

[kissing]

I'll pay you back.

[Grandma]
Hey, I won't hold
my breath.

Set it down right here.

Now who's this?

This is Josephine, Ma.

That's Vincent's friend.
She lives in Paris.

I wanna live in Paris.

Half the year.
Six months on, six months off.

That's cool, Ma.
But how am I going to bring you
cookies if you live in Paris?

- How is your father?
- He's good.

They moved not too far
from here.

Yeah? That's good,
I'm glad they got
out of that other place.

I mean, maybe
they'll be happier.

Dad's happy, all right?

They're actually talking
about having another kid.

[Grandma and Tanny chuckling]

Oh, that's something, isn't it?

Hush, Tanny. It's a good thing.

It is.

[Grandma]
Vincent, could you
hand me my purse?

Thank you.

You didn't steal anything,
did you?

I always say to your mother,

don't lie, don't cheat,
don't steal.

Don't I always say that?

Hmm. Who has a joke?

Do you know a joke?

I have a joke.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

Shut the fuck up
and get out of my house.

Oh, come on,
that was funny. [giggles]

You guys didn't think
that was funny?

Yeah.
You're funny, Ma.

Yeah, that's funny.

[chuckles]
She's right, she's funny.

What about you, Ma?

You seeing anybody?
It's kind of been a while.

You're still wearing that ring.

I need the key back.

I mean you just come barging in.

It's fine.

It's time to get the key back.

[Ma]
Keep it, for now.

[Vincent]
A few years after
my parents split up,

I found an old letter
left open on my
mom's desk.

Basically I saw that
she was the one
that actually cheated.

[Ma] Whoo!

You are Mr. Clown.

Yeah, I'm Mr. Clown.

- [Ma] All right.
- [Pa] Very good.

[Ma laughs] Is that enough?

Is that enough makeup?

[Pa]
What's it all mean?

What are you going to think
when you look back on this,

20 years from now?

[Ma]
I'm going to be happy.

[Pa] What else?

Uh, I don't know,
these are good times.

I'm happy, I'm thrilled.
I want that ring.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

[Vincent] Mom!

Come this way.
Let's see the kitchen.

This is Stephanie,
the matron of the house.

Okay, Steph, say "I love you."

Baby, you don't know
how to do that.

You can say, "Steph, action."
You can say something.

You don't have to say,
"Steph talk to yourself."

It kind of seems like
you're making me do it!

[Vincent coughing]

Spit it up.

You all right?

The closet, no skeletons
in the closet quite yet.

Steph, why are you throwing...

I'm not throwing.
Just for a second...

- That's recyclable.
- No, no...

-Why are you throwing?
All right.
-I'm not throwing.

[Pa]
Good thing we don't have tubes
anymore in these cameras.

And now is our chance.

[Pa laughing]

That was fun.

Your mom, I mean.

She's very spontaneous,
um, I would say.

She's like...

No, no, no...
And then... [screams]

Don't get on me, all right?
You're the one who
wanted to come.

Oh, come on,
don't be a rotten tomato.

What?

You know when there's
a ripe tomato and you put it
with the rotten ones?

Then, the ripe ones...

What are you saying?
Can you just say
what you mean, please?

I mean, shit happens.

To everyone.

All the time.

This is our job,
to separate ourselves.

You know, just to stay good.

I mean...

Don't get me wrong,
I was surprised by her joke.
[giggles]

Although I think she might...
she seems to keep things
inside too long.

Yeah, her and my dad
had a nasty breakup,

and I don't think
she really got over it.

You know, she never really
forgave herself.

I warned you though, all right?
You wanted to come.

- Oh, stop.
- That was you.

I loved it.

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq,
six, sept, huit, neuf, dix.

Tada.

Every time I need to
let things go,

this is what I do,
feels much better.

You should do that.

Okay.

If someone just told her to
breathe in and count to ten

and everything
will be all right, yeah?

Uh, no, it won't solve
everything,
but it's a start.

What's up with you?

Is this like you for real?

Like, are you this
chippery all the time or...

Why did you want to
come with me today?

Um, 'cause you were there,
at the corner.

I was there.

Yeah, I mean, it could easily
have been someone else,

but it happened to be you,

so I guess
we were to meet today.

[giggles]

And, hey, that's mine.
[laughs]

- Which one? This one's yours?
- Oh, that one in your mouth.

- Butthead, that's my taco.
- This one's yours?

You're going to continue
to eat that, also?

Thank you.

Butthead, where did you learn
to speak English, the 90s?

Did the 90s teach you?

[phone ringing]

Hey! do you wanna
watch any music tonight?

Oh!

And he quiets it.

Hold my calls, please.

No, actually, I have some stuff
to do tonight. You done?

[phone ringing]

I think she wants
to talk to you though.

I'll talk to her later.

Maybe it's important.

I don't know,
should we find out?

[phone keeps ringing]

[phone stops ringing]

Ready?

Bye, gracias.

-That was good, right?
That's my favorite spot.
-Yes.

I think that was the best
tacos I've ever had.

I never really eat tacos though.

- They must be your friends.
- Why?

Because they pollute the planet.

Yo, brother,
you live around here?

-What's up?
-I said, do you live
around here?

What do you mean,
do we live
around here, bro?

Hey, have a nice day
with your girl, man.

No, no, no.
I don't think you heard me.

Well, I heard you,
but what does it
mean to you?

There's a trash can right there.

Meaning?

Meaning you should probably
just pick it up, throw it away,
it takes two seconds.

Excuse me?

Yeah, man, go for it,
don't pollute the planet.

Look, I don't think
you want to walk over here.

Looks like I'm already
over here.

Pick up that fucking butt.

You good?

After you pick it up.

Okay, how about I pick it up?

You all wanna be childs.

- Come on, man, pick up that...
- What?

Hey, stop!

What are you talking about, bro?

All right, fuck him, fuck him.

Just teach your man
some manners.

Have a nice one.

Why would you do that?

You think it's funny?

Why would you do that
to them or to yourself?

I don't get it.

This is what you want,
you want to fight?

You want to be bad, huh?
You want to hurt someone.

I think this day is over.

I thought you were someone good.

But I don't want to
be your friend.

You have litter in your heart.

-It's an earthquake, babe.
It's an earthquake.
-[giggling]

Hey, it's an earthquake.

- Hey, it's an earthquake.
- [giggling]

Seriously, an earthquake.
You gotta get under
something sturdy.

Okay, be my something sturdy.

No, there's no time
for that, all right?

There's a earthquake,
it's a earthquake.

Come on, there's always time
to kiss my babe.

I could lay here with you
on this island forever.

And ever, and ever,
and ever, and ever...
And ever!

Hmm.

I could too.

But I gotta go, come on.

-Babe, babe, you don't want to
burn those little toes.
-[laughs] What?

That's lava, all right?
You're only safe from
the volcano in this bed.

Wait a second,
I thought it was an earthquake,
now it's a volcano?

Get your story straight, mister.

This is our fantasy island,
it could be whatever
we want it to be.

[Vincent]
What am I supposed
to do with this?

- With what?
- This!

Babe, put that away,
they're going to be here
any second.

No, I love it. [laughs]

I love it.
No, put it away.

Just jerk off by my lone-ski.

-No, wait.
Save me from the lava.
-[Vincent screams]

[both laughing]

Give me that.

But I...
that was mine.

Now it's mine.

Share.

[both grunting]

In your face.
That was your face.

[both groaning]

[Jess]
What are you guys doing?

Why are you doing
that to each other?

Because it's fun.

Because we're men.

Why does anybody do
anything to each other?

[Steve shouts]
A man!

Come on, get off the roof.

I almost ate your hot dog.

Holster that.

- Bam!
- Bro... whoa!

[Steve]
Right in the face. Ack!

So gross. Surprise attack!

[Vincent and Steve shout]

- Boom! Boom!
- [Steve] That's not fair.

You're going to get roughed up.
You're going to get roughed up.

Is it time to eat?

Yeah.

- Meow.
- Oh, poor Stevie.

[Roma] Got buns.

Ooh, thank you, sir.

Uh... feed me
my grapes, woman.

- You want grapes?
- Uh-huh.

Oh-ho-ho. Oh, no! Oh...

- [Steve]Look at that.
- [Roma] I got you everywhere.

I deserved it.

[Jess and Vincent kissing]

You guys are cute.

How long have you been together?

Six months.

Babe, it's been 11 months.

That's what I said,
11 glorious moons.

And you, you...

Stop making trouble,
you troublemaker.

Wait, don't blame her
because you're terrible
at keeping time.

Don't worry about it.
My boy V, he's always been
a little out of step.

What?

Always late to work,

used to hand in his homework
with the most awful excuse.

I feel like you're
assassinating
my character right now.

-And he missed my star
making turn as Peter Pan.
-[gasps]

No, no, no,
hey, I didn't miss it,

I just walked
in the auditorium doors
and you were like, "thank you."

That's missing it.

Yeah, but whatever though.

At least I told you.

Could've just lied
and said you killed it.

But you didn't
because you're a good man.

[both growl]

Thank you.

- It was a riveting bout, man.
- Oh, get outta here.

Shit, now I feel bad.

I feel like I need a time
machine to go back
and redeem myself.

Ooh, I'd love a time machine.

[Steve]
You know where I'd go
with a time machine?

- [Roma] Where?
- Nowhere.

I wouldn't change shit.

My life is perfect
the way it is right now.

I wouldn't change shit
'cause then I wouldn't have
met you, or you or you.

- Aww.
- [Vincent] That's so sweet.

Aww... [blows raspberry]

- Uh... I heard that.
- [laughs] Ow.

[Steve laughing] Aaack!

That's nice, but I know
exactly where I would go.

I would get in my time machine
and go right to ancient Egypt

and be Cleopatra.

Wait. What are the rules
of this game? Now we
can just be people?

It's not your turn.

[Jess]
I would rule as queen.
I would wear lots of jewelry,

and have, like,
beautiful snakes.

[Roma] Get it, girl.

That sounds good,

I could do ancient Egypt,
let's go.

No, your ass
would be a servant, man,

carrying around a cart
on your shoulders, like...
[groaning]

Oh, yeah, but I'd be, like,
that big, beautiful
brown servant,

who rose through the ranks
and became Pharaoh.

[Roma and Jess laughing]

You'd be Aladdin
without the genie, my man.

A common street thief,
right down there.

Oh, save me, Roma.

Okay, I'd go to Germany
early 1900s.

I'd be Hitler's
childhood art teacher.

What?

For real, listen.

He was supposed to be
a really talented painter.

So, I feel like if he was just
supported and nurtured

and encouraged a little bit,
things could've been different.

Yeah, maybe you can give him
a little nickname, right?

[Steve] Yeah, like Dolphy.

Hey, nice finger painting,
Dolphy.

- Babe.
- Paintbrush!

[Steve laughing]

All right, you guys, you guys
can laugh all you want,

but I'm using my time machine
to change history,

what are you guys doing?

[Vincent]
I'll tell you exactly
what I'm doing.

I'm just biffing the shit
out of this motherfucker

and going back in time and
betting on all the Superbowls

and then I'm going to invent
something crazy,
like the jigsaw puzzle.

That's not crazy,
why wouldn't you invent, like,
the iPhone or something?

'Cause I don't know
how to invent an iPhone, man.

A jigsaw puzzle's easy,

just take a picture,
cut it out...

Sell it to people.
Jumanji. I'm rich.

Cleopatra has to use the loo.

Go use, darling.

Is it number one or number two?

- Gross.
- [Steve] Bro...

I'm just saying,
if it's number two
it's also number one

or maybe it's number three.

No, conversation stops now.

[Steve]
Stop badgering the witness.

Jessica, you don't have to
answer these questions.

No one knows
what I'm talking about?

These are not lady questions,
therefore, you do not ask us
ladies.

Thank you.

And besides, wasn't this about
you redeeming yourself, anyways.

You missed your best friend
in Peter Pan jammy jam.

How many chances
you get at that?

But, I totally pee too.

Pee-pee when I poo-poo.

Pee.

- What? what did I miss?
- Nothing.

Ooh. Vincent, bro...
You gotta show them
the spaghetti...

-You gotta show them
the spaghetti.
-What?

Spaghetti, right now?

Yeah, you gotta see this,
it's crazy, Spaghetti arms.

Are you ready?

[Steve laughs loudly]

It's like spaghetti.

- So floppy, Spaghetti arms.
- [laughing]

Oh, I love this.

Hey, I'm glad you're here,
all right?

Babe?

[Ozzie] Vincent.

Ozzie, what's going on man?

What's up?

Hey, you mind if I come in
and grab a drink or something?

Yeah, I mean, I'm setting up.

You want to come in
and hang out, that's fine.

Please.

Where you been?

I haven't seen you around.

[sighs] Been around.

I was...
I was in here
the other night.

Yeah? I must've...

I must've missed you.
Were you with Steve and Roma?

Yep.

[dial tone]

[Steve] Ha-ha. You found me.

I'm probably in the midst
of a wild encounter.

So, leave a detailed request

and your boy will surely
take care of you, peace.

What up? It's me, man.

Give me a call
when you get off work.

Let's get a drink or something,
fucking do it.

Well, I guess what I'm saying
is that everything is elastic.

You know, like this trampoline.

Like when you're on the ground,
you're down.

But when you're up,

well, you never feel like
you're going to hit
the ground again,

until, well, you do, you know?

Yeah, man,
I feel you 100 percent.

- Whoo! Okay, whoa!
- Yeah!

Hey, don't hurt yourself.

Seriously, stay sharp, man.
I need you to stay sharp.

Hurt myself? Vincent!

I'm helping myself
right now, man.

I am literally...

- Whoo!
- I'm literally flying!

Whoa! Whoo!

And even if it wasn't
for this trampoline,
I am so damn high right now.

It's all because of you, baby.

No, honestly,
it's so beautiful, man.

Look, you are
a beautiful human being,

she's a beautiful girl

and I just love that
you guys are together.
It's great.

Such a good thing, man, finally.

Listen, I think
she could be the one.

I mean, craziest part
about it, man, is...

it's not even just
about who she is

because, I mean,
who she is incredible.

But it's also about
where she came from.

Dude, she came from you.

My brother.

I mean, it makes
perfect sense to me

that you would be the one
to bring her to me.

God, I love you, man.

Honestly, I'm just happy
we can double date again.

Because I was getting
tired of you third wheeling
on us all the time.

You were just third wheeling.
It's like, this ain't a menage.

Bitty ass tricycle.

Bitty ass tricycle.

Vincent.

Yes.

Scream with me.

[both scream]

Think of all the babies
we're going to have, Vincent.

All of these little red balls
are babies

and I'm going to name one of
them after you, little Vincent.

Honduran-Indian,
Vince the Great.

- Vincent the Great!
- Okay! That's great...

[chuckles] Watch yourself.

[Steve]
I mean, to be honest,
I was almost a little surprised

you didn't go after her
yourself.

Vincent.

Give me that necklace.

Oh, nice guy.

- 'Sup, car lady?
- Hey!

- How are you?
- [laughs]

Good. You know, I was thinking
seeing as you don't have
your own car,

I do have this hook up
on this truck.

A truck?
Is that what you think
I should be driving?

'Cause I think I look
pretty dope
in that ice blue.

Yeah, but that's not your car,
that's your girlfriend's.

Actually,
that's my car,
but, shh!

Let's just keep
that between you and me,
huh?

- Okay.
- Can we do that?

We can do that, secret's safe.

I appreciate that.

You're welcome.

[chuckles] Whoa. Well,
hi, skippity poo-pie!

Who is this little belle
and a half?

- Ola.
- Ola.

Roma, Steve.
Steve, Roma.

We met at the car wash today.

Well, aren't you
just a little mogwai?

Did you come from the Tropics?

[giggles]

Yes, actually, I come
from the ancient rain forest

in the deep jungles of Honduras.

- I've been there.
- No.

Many times,
18 times to be exact.

I like to be exact,
it's very important.

We must always be exact

because to be exact
is to be divine.

You two behave.

- [whispers] My gift to you.
- [chuckles]

And I'll catch you all
in a momentito.

Behave?
What the fuck is that?

- Oh, I don't know,
- [chuckles]

behavior is something I choose
not to acknowledge, I...

-it's very existence
seems primitive.
-Mmm-hmm.

I said that. Why?
Is this your place?

No, my creation.

I do not live here,
but I did create this
wonderland of wondery.

And it's wonderful.

May I?

You may, show me.

- Yes, ma'am or senorita.
- [Roma chuckles]

[people chattering]

Hey, pretty,
nice to meet you.
Love it.

[people chattering, cheering]

[cheering]

Hello, I'm going to...
Oh, my God!

Both of you are really drunk.

I wasn't looking for you,
but I found you!

Come here. I'm sorry,
I won't enjoy.
You enjoy, you stay here.

You just do that
for the rest of your life.

-Never stop! Keep on going.
-[Jess] Oh, my God. How did you
guys meet today?

[Roma]
I met him yesterday
at the car wash.

[Jess]
He's making friends everywhere.

We're in here.
Someone's in here.

[screams]

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

- Beware of dog.
- Beware of...

- [screams] Whoo!
- [giggling]

Who's got it?
Does someone have a smoke?

I want to smoke right now.

This gentleman? Okay.

Um, excuse me, sir, would you
happen to have a cigarette?

Oh, you're such a good man.
I'm not gonna take
your last one.

- No, I'm not gonna...
- Hey, hey, please.

Do you have a light as well?

Yeah. No problem.

Please.

Hold it.

Thank you for everything.

You are a gentleman,
thank you so very much,
good sir.

You get in there.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Guys!
- Somebody's feeling good.

- Yes!
- Look at this, bastard.

Guy, guys, Okay, guys,
I need to ask you a question.

You know what's happening?
It's question time.

Pregunta.

Pregunta.

- Pregunta.
- Yes.

Um, how is a
fall wedding for you?

- [gasps, laughs]
- Is a fall wedding excellent?

I'm seeing a new theme,
all white.

Yeah...

- Everyday!
- Everyday!

No!

I'm being serious though, guys.

I've always wanted an exotic
from the Tropics

and she arrived, she's here.

- I think you better go grab her.
- What?

Oh, hello.

What's going on here, guys,
secret huddle?

You've been brought inside,
are you cool with that?

I think so.

It is here, that you will be
privy to the most private of
information.

You better not say it too loud.

[shushing]

You guys, you guys,
the president's listening.

He's gonna talk, he's gonna talk
to you and you and you.

And tell you what you need,

he's gonna tell you
what you need.

[people chattering]

Hi. What's up, baby?
Oh, started without me?

Couldn't order your boy one?

Mine.

Whoa, whoa.

You all right, man?
What's going on?

Why are you looking
at me like that?

Hold on for a second.
Hey, Ozzie. Let me... Oh!

[Ozzie]
Steve, I'm slammed, bro.

Okay. Sorry, man,
What were you...
you were going to say something.

Yeah? Maybe...

Any day now, man.

I slept with Roma.

[laughing]

[growls, laughing]

You're funny, dude.

Yeah, it's not a joke, man.
We slept together.

Oh, did you?
How'd you do it?

Did you get her from the front?

Did you flip her over
and get her from behind?

Oh! Did she sit on your face?

[mockingly]
Sleeping with Roma.

I'm sorry, man.

I think...

Yo.

Get the fuck off me.

I fucked up, all right.

I don't know how
or why it happened. We didn't
mean for it to go down.

No, don't!
Don't you...
Don't you fucking...

What were you thinking?

I wasn't thinking, all right?

- I wasn't fucking thinking.
- Get the fuck away!

What are we cool now?

No, look, I can't ask you
to feel anything.

Of course you're going to feel
and be how you're going to be,

but you gotta know man,
you're the one who keeps me
sharp, dawg.

You're my wingman,
you are my fucking wing,
all right?

I'd be no one without you.
So...

Stop it!
Shut your fucking mouth.

Shut your fucking mouth!

Okay, I need to ask you
three questions

and I need you to answer them
immediately, okay?

How many times did this happen?

Once.

When?

Last night.

Do you love her?

[Steve]
Answer to me.
Answer.

I fucking love you.

No, Vincent, do you
fucking love her?

I don't know! I don't know!
I don't know.

[sobbing]
God-damn you.

Scream with me, man.

Come on,
fucking scream with me,
man.

No. Don't fucking...

Don't run away, scream with me.

All right, we'll work out
that other shit, come on.

Just fucking...
Just scream with me.

Look me in my face like we
fucking do and just do it,

just scream with me, all right?

You don't get it.

[sobbing]

How did you...
You destroyed me.

You destroyed me.

You did.

How could you do that to me?

I'm sorry, man.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

[phone ringing]

[Vincent]
Hello, Roma?

[Roma]
Where are you?

Look, I just called to tell you
what happened.

You didn't want to talk
to me first?

I thought we were going to do
this together.

Vincent, can't we just be in
the same room and we can
talk about this?

For what? All right. There's
nothing else to talk about.

I think there's a lot
to fucking talk about.
Last night?

Where are you right now?
Can you just come here
or I'll meet you?

If you need me to say it,
I will.

Please, please say something,
say it.

I'm not that guy,
I'm not that guy for you,
all right?

That is not your decision
to make, I get to say who
the guy is for me.

I want you to be happy.

You want me to be happy?

I haven't been able to answer
my phone all day

or find you

and now we're having
this conversation
like we're strangers.

And you want me to be happy?

Vincent! Hello?

What happened last night
was a mistake.

I know you don't believe that.

You do not believe that.

You're right, okay?
Because I just wanted
to fuck you.

I don't want to be with you,

I don't love you, I never did.

I guess you got what you wanted.

I see.

Look, I called out of courtesy
to tell you what happened.

Vincent.

I made a mistake
and I'm trying
to correct it.

Vincent!

Take care of yourself,
all right?

So just fuck me then?

[car engine revving]

Vincent? Vincent?

[Vincent]
I always wondered if my mom
was going to come clean.

But she never did.

And I watched
what it did to her.

That's not happening to me.

Un, deux, trois, quatre...

cinq, six...

sept, huit, neuf, dix.

Whoa-hoo!

- Hey.
- Hey.

I just want to say,
like, you know,
in America,

we usually come in
from this way.

It's like a first come,
first serve basis.

But it's cool,
I'm a gentleman,
so I just...

Nice to meet you.

Thank you,
I'll try to remember
that the next time

I forget I'm in the states,
silly me.

I do appreciate
your gentlemanliness though,

helping out the little lady.

Think nothing of it.

Except, I always thought
here in America this shit
would manifest as

take what you want,

first come, first serve
doesn't really apply.

Manly man.

We have too many problems
in America, you know.

Yeah, so many.

One being how dirty
your cute little car is.

- Cute?
- Yeah.

[chuckles]

It's my girlfriend's car.

I don't know, maybe
you should
get your own car?

What, are you a car dealer?

I'm just being a gentleman,
washing my girlfriend's car.

Oh, okay. Mr. Nice Guy.

Thank you.

So you just galloped on in.

Actually, I drove it.

Welcome.

I just drove in.

I see.

So, what is there
for fun to do around here?

- I know about a party tonight.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

Can you, um, can you share
this information?

Or is this some
top secret spy shit?

I can share, you got a phone?

No, no phone.

Oh.

Well...

Yes, I have a phone.

Okay, everything you need
is now in there.

Everything?

No, nothing else at all
in the entire world, universe,

galaxy, manifest, destiny,
Louisiana Purchase be damned.

- Wow, that is everything,
- It is.

Vincent.

You got a name?

Uh-huh.

- That's a nice necklace.
- Mmm-hmm.

Thank you, nice guy.
Don't try to steal it.

Don't be a menace out there,
all right. Drive safe.

Roma.