Fraternity Vacation (1985) - full transcript

A nerd gains the friendship of two of his frat brothers when his dad offers them his condo for the week in Palm Springs, and also offers the fraternity a hot tub and jacuzzi if they can help his son find a girl. They meet two guys from a rival fraternity, and make a bet on who can nail the Designated Babe first.

(slow dramatic music)

(radio tuning)

- [Orville] Good morning, this is Orville Ricket

bringing you the Early Bird Edition of KDES News,

serving all of central Iowa.

Well, it look as if those of you who did some early planting

during our recent warm spell

got a nasty little surprise this morning, didn't you?

Yeah, it's gonna be a white Easter

with temperatures climbing into the low teens

and a wind chill factor of minus 24 degrees.

A few weather related announcements:

The annual Greater Des Moines Presbyterian Easter Egg Hunt

and Bake sale, previously scheduled to take place

tomorrow afternoon at the country club,

will now be held in the Roosevelt High school gymnasium.

Buses will be running an hour to an hour and a half late

where snow plows allow.

All right, stay tuned for Lyle Chaney's Livestock Hour

right here on station KDES, serving all of central Iowa.

Until then, this is Orville Ricket,

reminding you to drag those storm windows back out

of the basement (chuckles) and happy Easter.

- [Man] Hey, watch where you're going.

- [Wendell] My name is Wendell Tvedt.

I'm a freshman at Iowa state.

I'm waiting for a couple of great guys from my fraternity.

Well, not my fraternity yet.

I'm still a pledge.

But anyway, we're all going to Palm springs for the weekend.

- (groans) ln's over that way!

- [Wendell] I'm what you might call a 'late bloomer'.

That really doesn't bother me.

(chuckles) I've even heard some people call me a nerd.

I don't think of myself that way.

I'd like to think of myself as, well,

maybe a little--

(Wendell shrieking)


(lighthearted music) (people chattering)

- Thank you. - Palm springs here we come!

(both laughing)

- In less than three hours, it's gonna be you,

me, hot tubs, palm trees, and the legendary women

of California. - And Wendell. (laughs)

- (laughs) Right, and Wendell.

But listen, don't sell the guy short.

He's got a lot going for him, for a pledge.

- Membership in the Astronomy club,

name tags on his boxer shorts, his very own library card.

- And he's got a cousin

with a furnished condo in Palm springs

and parents who paid for our trip.

- You're right.

He's got a lot going for him.

- Joe, Mother, here I am!

- [Announcer] charter flight 407, non-stop service

to Fairbanks, Alaska. - Mm hm.

- Now departing-- - Hi, guys.

Where have you been?

- Wendell, buddy, your fly's open.

- Oh, it's broken.

- Wendell, this isn't exactly what we meant

by hanging out in Palm springs.

- Hey, listen, where are your folks?

- [Naomi] You-hoo!

(alarm beeps)

oh, honey, just put 'em down. (men snickering)

That's right. - Wait for me.

- [Naomi] careful!

- Poor kid didn't stand a chance.

- Hey, you laugh and I'll break your legs.

- Just don't look at me, okay? (laughs)

- All right, here we go.


Hi. - How ya doing?

- Dad, Mom, I want you to meet my friends.

Father, Mother, this is Mother and Joe.

- Joe Gillespie.

- Larry Tucker.

- It's a pleasure, Mr. Tvedt, Mrs. Tvedt.

- They call you Mother, right?

Mother Tucker. (laughs)

That just kills me.

- (laughs) isn't that cute?

Is it 'cause you kinda take care of everybody, isn't it?

(parents laughing)

- All right. (laughs)

- Listen, boys, could ya,

could you just help me with this stuff,

just for a minute? - sure.

- I didn't want Mrs. Tvedt over here,

but I got a favor I wanna ask you.

- Sure, what is it?

- Well, I don't know if you've noticed this or not,

but my boy Wendell is a little, well,

he's kind of, (sighs) I guess awkward

is the word I'm looking for.

- Wendell? - Awkward?

- Well, this is what I'm hoping.

- Ma, aren't they the best?

- They're wonderful, darling.

And Millard seems to like them, too.

I'm sure they're just fine young men.

- They are.

You don't have to worry about anything.

- Oh, I'm sure I don't, sweetheart.

- I kinda want you and Joe to show my boy around a little,

kinda teach him a few of the tricks of the trade,

if you understand my meaning, with the opposite s-E-X.

I'd be more than willing to make this worth your while.

Wendell's told me you wanted a sauna

and a jacuzzi down at the fraternity house.

- Sure. - (laughs) No problem.

- (laughs) Gee, that would be great.

- Millard, hurry with the camera, honey.

That's their flight. -All right, dear.

Just, everybody get in line.

Get in a straight line. - okay, get the lines going.

Okay. - I'll set this thing up.

- (laughs) Now, Wendell, stay out of the sun,

won't you, darling? -All right.

- You'll burn. - okay, Mom.

- And, honey, get plenty of sleep.

- (laughs) okay.

- Now, just do whatever Mother says, son.

- Why thank you, Millard.

- You're welcome, Naomi.

Everybody smile!

(camera clicks)

(upbeat music)

(horns honking)

- Keep it in your pants, young Wendell.

I think this is just fine!

- Look at those pants!

- Look at those palm trees!

- [DJ] This is Madman Mac

with 72 hours of non-stop rock and roll.

Sending out a big Palm springs welcome

to all you greats from 50 states.

Do the weather report, it's raining in Fort Lauderdale!

So if you're not in Palm springs, you're nowhere, baby.

- Slow down.

- Hi, I'm Wendell Tvedt, and these are my best friends,

Joe and Mother.

Nice to meet you. (girls laugh)

why didn't you guys talk to them?

They were very pretty.

- I don't know, Wendell.

I guess we're just moody.

- Gotta do something about it--

- Quick!

(upbeat music)

♪ used to be a shy boy ♪

♪ Until I made him my boy ♪

♪ I never missed a heartbeat ♪

♪ Just sitting in the back seat yeah ♪

♪ I'm gonna give him all my love ♪

♪ Each and every night ♪

♪ One thing I'm always dreaming of ♪

♪ I wanna squeeze and hold you tight ♪

♪ But don't it make you feel good ♪

- Mother!

♪ Don't it make you feel good ♪


♪ Don't it make you feel good ♪

♪ Don't it make you feel good ♪

♪ Every minute we're together ♪

♪ Seems to last forever ♪

♪ He knows about a good time ♪

♪ Gonna make him all mine all mine ♪

♪ He gives me loving like nobody else ♪

♪ I love the way he turns me on ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep him all to myself ♪

♪ If my heart could be that strong ♪

♪ But don't it make you feel good ♪

♪ Don't it make you feel good ♪

♪ Don't it make you feel good ♪

♪ Don't it make you feel good ♪

(people laughing and chattering)

- [Chas] oh god, J.C., look!

- Jesus, I can't believe it!

Joe and Mother here?

- And they've got that idiot Wendell with 'em.

- You know those guys?

- No, Chrissie, they've never seen them before

in their lives, they just happen to know their names.

Gosh! - well I didn't know.

- We go to school with them.

We're Beta Epsilon, they're Theta Pi sigma.

Or as we like to call them, Theta Pigs.


- [Chrissie] You don't like them?

- No, we hate them, and they hate us.

- Betas hate Thetas, it's a tradition.

- You know, Chas, they've invaded our territory.

- I think the boys deserve a nice warm welcome.

It's the very least we can do.

(upbeat music)

- Just follow me, guys!

(girls laughing)

That must be the one. - All right, Wendell!

(girls laugh)

- so far, so good.

- Wendell, there's no furniture.

- Well, my cousin said they're redecorating

the living room, sorry.

- The hell with the living room.

What about the bedrooms?

- Oh, nice touch!



(latches clatter)

Wendell, buddy, there might be hope for you yet.

Just knowing you're related to someone

who has a mirror over a bed like this.

- My cousin's adopted.

- Of course he is; I just lost my head for a minute.

- [Mother] oh no!

- [Joe] Bunk beds?

- Oh great, dibs on the top bunk.

- No, Wendell, this is not great.

Let's say I bring a woman up here,

and let's say the master bedroom is occupied.

Let's say you're in the top bunk,

hovering just inches away.

Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

- (chuckles) oh, I get it.

Mother, don't worry, it won't bother me a bit.

I can sleep through almost anything.

Thanks for being concerned about it, though.

- You're welcome.

- Okay, here's how we work this.

The first one home gets the master bedroom.

Runner-up better pray to god he's found a good sport.

Agreed? -Agreed.

- Fine with me!

- Wendell! - Boy, Joe,

I'm gonna get some shots the old astronomy club

won't believe. - Yeah, Wendell,

can I see that for a minute?

- Oh sure! - Thanks, bro.

Oh, Mother!

You're not gonna believe this, get out here!


- (whoops) very nice!

It's okay, sweetheart, sometimes the smaller ones

are the most fun.

Joe, what the hell are we doing up here?

Come on!

- [Joe] oh my god!

Mother, get out here!

It's my heart.

- [Mother] I don't even know where to start.

There aren't words.

- Think if I made some kind of humble offering,

like 10 years off my life, my first-born male child?

- No, Joe, that is definite Major League material.

Uh-uh, however, with a few exceptions,

almost any ball player will yell ya

he had a lot more action in the minors.

To the pool?

- To the pool. - To the pool!

- Here you go.

(upbeat music)

- [Joe] Hello.

- [Mother] shouldn't stare.

She doesn't like it, Joe.

(upbeat music)


- [woman] Hello, hello!

- [Joe] My suit just shrunk.

Woop, excuse me, squeeze me.

- Nice radio! - Yeah.

(upbeat music)

- Huh?


- Blondes at nine o'clock.

- What I mean, Joesph?

Minor league by comparison, but all suited up

and ready to play!

♪ Mr. Robotic got sweet cold wine ♪

♪ Mr. Robotic oh that girl is so fine ♪

- Hi boys, mind if we join you?

- Ah, being joined is one of the things we live for.

- Oh!

(upbeat music)

(Wendell vocalizing)

- [Wendell] oh, excuse me, I'm sorry!

(water splashes)

Excuse me, excuse me.

Sorry! (water splashes)

oh, oh!

Oh, ma'am, I'm so sorry! (water splashes)

- [woman] Are you okay?

(people chattering)

- Hi, my name's Wendell Tvedt.

- I'm Marianne.

And this is Chrissie.

- Hi!

- He's Joe, I'm Mother.

- You know, Chrissie, it's so hot out here.

- Oh, it sure it.

I wish there was some comfortable place nearby

where we could all relax and cool off.

- Well, you know, it just so happens,

I know of a place so comfortable and so nearby--

- You wouldn't believe how comfortable and nearby

this place is. - It's very comfortable.

And it's right upstairs.

I'll make us all some lemonade.

- Wendell, (chuckles) can I talk to you for a minute.

- Oh sure, Mother.

- Wendell, Joe and I would kinda like to be alone

with these girls for a little while.

You understand what I mean?

So, could you watch the stuff and take a swim

or something? - oh sure, Mother.

No problem.

- [Man] watch out, here he comes!

(people shriek)

- okay, ladies! (girls giggling)

- Hey, where's all the furniture?

- Oh, well, we kinda like that clean, uncluttered look

in the living room.

- But we did furnish the bedrooms.

- Oh, good.

Why don't we go in there.

- Come here. - Excuse me.

- What do we do now? -Are you kidding?

What do you think we do now?

- Idiot, that's not what I mean.

What I mean is we never established what to do

in the case of a tie!

- Is there a problem?

- No. - No, there's no problem.

The thing is, we have one queen-size bed,

and two-- - Bunk beds.

- Bunk beds.

- A queen-size bed! (giggles)

- Gee, I've always found that four people

on a queen-size bed can be very cozy.

Haven't you, Chrissie?

- Mm-hmm.

- You mean, the four of us on one bed?

- Marianne and I are best friends.

We do everything together.

(loud thudding)

- uh huh.

(giggles) After you, my dear!

(dramatic electronic music)



- Marianne!

Could you just, untie this for me, please.

- [Marianne] oh, by all means. (giggles)

- oh, honey, that feels so much better.

- [Marianne] I knew it would.

- Yeah!

Oh yeah.

(electronic music)

How's that, honey?

- [Marianne] (giggles) Just fine.

- Ready for this?

(girls giggling)

- [Marianne] Now don't go away, boys.

- We'll be right back.

(electronic music)

- Don't go away, she says.

I wouldn't leave this place right now if it caught on fire.

- Joe, we're in this town four hours,

we're already getting laid. (laughs)

I love Palm springs!

(upbeat music)

(Mother clears throat)

what do you think they're doing in there?

- Are you kidding?

These girls are experienced; they come prepared.

- You ever seen a girl put one in?

- No. - No, neither have I.

- I think it takes a while, though.

They have to lie down to do it.

- [Marianne] oh Chrissie, this reminds me,

did I tell you what my gynecologist said?

- [Chrissie] No, what?

- [Marianne] well, some doctor in France

thinks he's found a cure for herpes.

- [Chrissie] Boy, would that be a relief.

- [Marianne] Yeah really!

(music fizzles dramatically)

Hi. - we're ready.

- Sorry we took so long, did you miss us?

- Yeah, well-- - We missed you.

- [Joe] we missed you, too, but while you were gone

something came up. - Yeah.

We didn't realize how late it is.

There's some place we have to be.

- [Marianne] oh, well can't it wait?

- No. - oh, no, no.

It can't wait.

You see, it's his grandmother. - It's my grandmother.

- Yeah, she's very ill. - she's dying.

Well, we told her we'd come by to say goodbye.

- Oh gee, what a shame.

We're sorry to hear that.

- Well, you know how grandmothers are.

You know, here today, gone tomorrow.

- [Chrissie] oh, well hey, listen, boys,

maybe we can get together later?

- After she's gone.

- Oh, well, that's hard to say.

- Yeah, it could linger on for days.

Weeks and months. - Years.

- Oh, it's too bad. - Yeah.

- Bye. - Good bye.

- [Chas and J.C.] welcome to Palm springs, you assholes!

(girls laughing) - what the hell

are you guys doing here?

- We're having a cold beer.

- [Joe] It's great to see you, you mind leaving?

- Yes, we'd mind.

- You know, that was a real low-life, scumbag

kind of trick. - why thank you!

(beer pops)

- oh, love the ambient space.

You must give me the name of your decorator.

- Oh, and these ensembles, very Greek.

- Haven't you dicks got anything better to do?

- Of course they don't, Mother.

I mean, they can't get laid, so why come by here

and bug the shit out of us?

- (scoffs) can't get laid?


Joe, this is Chas Lawlor you're talking to,

the pride of the Beta Eps.

Just because you can't get it up.

- Can't get it up?

He can't even find it. (Mother chuckles)

- I mean, you do realize, of course,

I will have nailed half the town

by the time you get your fly unzipped?

- Oh, I get it, you're gonna handle Palm springs

the same way you handle Iowa state.

The hell with quality, just shoot for quantity.

- Well, what else can he do, Joe?

The guy's charm ends the minute the valet

parks the Mercedes; he can't afford to be choosy.

- Yeah, would you like to put some money on that?

- Yeah, sure, like what?

- Like, like pick a girl.

Any girl. - And?

- And $1000 says I nail her before the end of the weekend.

- [J.C.] My god, how 'bout this one on the balcony?

- Hey, wait a minute, that one's mine!

- [Chas] oh yeah, since when?

- Since I saw her first. - so much the better.

A grand says I get her before you do.

- Hey, great idea, Chas.

The Beta Eps versus the Theta Pigs,

the battle of the network studs.

(both laugh)

- so what do you say, hotshot?

What's the matter, Joey, competition too tough?

- Bullshit, you're on!

Now get outta here.

- Come on, J.C., I think the boys wanna be alone.

(both laugh)

- what?


(gentle music)

(Wendell exclaims) (water splashes)

(upbeat music)

okay, Wendell, now listen.

This is very important.

You look good, by the way.

You feel okay? Doesn't he look good?

- Well, I'm a little nervous.

- Hey, listen, there's nothing to be nervous about.

If it doesn't work with the first girl,

you just shrug it off and move on to the next one.

Occasionally Mother and I strike out.

- Speak for yourself, Joe.

- It happens, so don't get discouraged.

- Oh, okay, I won't.

- Never strike out, well, I struck out once.

- Who was that? - Your sister.

- Oh, ha ha! (vocalizes)

- okay, all right, so I didn't strike out with your sister.

(all laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Hold it.

Arms out for me.

Move along.

Just doing my job. (Mother shrieks)

No one here.

(upbeat music)

♪ La la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la ♪

- Okay, you've got yours truly,

Madman Mac, coming to you live from Zelda's.

Quick question for the girls,

how many of you can we count on this weekend

for the Last Blast? (girls cheering)

All right, yeah!

And how many of you guys are gonna be there,

be there, be there! (guys cheering)

Yeah, ladies, you heard it here first,

where's the beef?

It's Sunday night at the Ramada resort,

for the annual Last Blast.

Okay, people, let's get cookin',

and hope they're good lookin'!


(upbeat dance music)

♪ You feel like something missing ♪

♪ Neither push comes to shove ♪

♪ You feel like something lacking ♪

♪ You may need my love ♪

- Wow, this is great!

Well, what do I do now?

- Check out the girls, and find one that appeals to you.

- Right, only, it's probably wise

to stay away from the most attractive on the first one.

Shoot low.

- That doesn't mean we want you to walk up

and throw yourself at some dog.

- Oh no! - He's just saying,

be realistic. - Right.

- And besides, there's something to be said

for mediocre-looking girls.

I mean, they don't get as much action, so they try harder.

You got it?

(upbeat dance music)

- Hi!

I'm Eyvette.

What would you boys like?

- How about a pitcher and three glasses.

- Got some lDs?


Mm hmm.

Have you been in our country long, Mr. Yakamura?

- Oh, I was born in Des Moines.

That's not really mine, I just borrowed it

from a guy in my botany class.

- No kidding?

I'll tell you what, I like your honesty,

so why don't I bring you a glass of milk

and an extra beer mug. - oh, okay, that'd be great.

I'd love some milk. (Eyvette sighs)

- Wendell, you amaze me.

- Thanks, Mother.

- All right, Wendell, time to find the lucky girl.

- Yeah! - wait a minute, guys.

Before we do this, there's something I think you should know

and promise you won't laugh, but,

I've never been with a girl before.

- Don't worry about it.

Just do what comes natural, and you'll be surprised

how quickly your instincts will take over.

- All right, so you walk up to 'em, right?

Now the key to the whole thing is a gradual approach.

Start slow. - Right, right.

Obviously what you're after here is a night of passion.

- Or at least a blow job in the parking lot.

- But you don't, you don't just walk right up

and ask for it, you lead up to it gradually.

- How do I do that?

What do I say? - You offer to buy

her a drink. - Ask her to dance.

- Wow, guys.

Look, the one with the short hair in the orange.

- All right, Wendell. - Not bad.

- Let's do it! - All right!

- I don't think I can. - oh, come on now, Wendell.

We will be behind you every step of the way.

- Don't worry.

Remember, the watch word is gradual.

- Excuse me?

(clears throat) Excuse me?

Can I buy you a drink?

Would you care to dance?

Well then I guess a blowjob in the parking lot

would be out of the question?


- I really like a guy with a sense of humor.

Would you settle for some ice cream?

- Oh sure!

- That worked?

♪ She holds me ♪

♪ I resist her ♪

♪ Stands of traffic rushing ♪

♪ Making funny night music ♪

♪ Building bricks and hours later check you from the prints ♪

- Something wrong, Wendell?

- I don't feel right about this, that's all.

- About what?

- About being with you tonight.

See, the thing is, this wouldn't be happening

if Joe and Mother hadn't told me what to say.

They know everything about girls and I don't know anything.

(crunches) Anyway, the point is,

kinda got you here under false pretenses and,

(crunches) if you wanna go back to Zelda's, I'll understand.

- I don't think so, Wendell.

I think you're just what I've been looking for.

(upbeat music) (cone crunches)

- I swear to god, Joe, I thought it would work, all right?

- You honestly thought those girls would believe

that you were on the space shuttle?

- Look, at least I didn't spill my drinks on them.

- Okay, case closed.

Actually, it's just as well; we need the rest.

Chas Lawlor is gonna be tough competition.

- Chas Lawlor is an asshole.

- Thanks for reminding me.

I'm getting kind of nervous. (beer pops)

- Hey man, don't worry about it; you'll do fine.

Here's to it. - Thanks.

- Wonder how Wendell made out?

- I don't know, man.

I hope she let him down easy.

Hey, I'll dip you for master bedroom.

- All right.

(coin slaps) - Heads.

(Mother snickers) Damn it!

You always win. - Hey, I'm sure you

and Wendell will be very happy together.

- Cute.

- [Nicole] oh Wendell!

- Hey Joey, come here.

- What do you want? - Just come here a minute.

(Nicole giggles)

- [Nicole] oh Wendell, you're wonderful!

Do that again; I love it.

- What do you know?

Good for him. - Good for him, man?

Good for us, that is a sauna and a jacuzzi

for the frat house in there.

(hands slap) Yeah, all right!

- Let me get this straight, he's in there getting laid,

and we're-- - Resting up.

- Right.

Top or bottom bunk?

- What the hell difference does it make?

Jesus, I feel like we should build a fire

in the middle of the room and tell ghost stories.

- Please, Wendell.

One more time. (Wendell laughing)

- Really, are you sure? - Yes, it's my favorite.

- Oh well, okay.

♪ Danke shooen, darling, danke shoen ♪

♪ I said thank you for mmm ♪

♪All the joy you bring ♪

Oh, I love Wayne Newton!

You know, I have all his albums.

- Wendell, you're perfect. (Wendell laughs)

♪ I recall central Park in fall ♪

♪ How you tore your dress what a mess ♪

♪ I confess that's not all ♪

♪ Danke shoen, oh darling, danke shoen ♪

♪ I said thank you for ♪

♪All the joy you bring ♪

- Oh, so exciting!

- [Mother] There she is, Joe.

Carrying a book, could be for effect,

or maybe she reads.

Hmm, she's choosing an out-of-the-way chase.

Definite loner type, probably very rich.

Nice towel, designer I think.

- [Joe] Yeah, come on, let me see.

- [Mother] All right, go ahead.

- Wow, I think I'm in trouble.

This is a woman who's definitely into perfection.

I think Chas Lawlor lll has a hell of a lot better chance

of pulling that off than I do.

- Bull shit, it's all done with mirrors.

Okay, all right.

So, he's got looks; he's got charm; he's got money.

But you have something he'll never have.

- Yeah, what? - Me.

(suspenseful music)

oh, by the way, I hate to bring up

a tiny little detail at a time like this,

but on the off chance that we should lose this bet,

where are you gonna get the grand?

- You should see her, dad, she's beautiful.

Yeah, and guess what else?

She lives on a street called Bob Hope Drive.

She even met him once.

Oh dad, she really did!

And guess what else?

I'm having lunch with her and her parents tomorrow.

Oh, okay, I will.

And tell mother that I'll call her tonight.

Okay dad, buh-bye.

Dad says to tell you guys, congratulations.

Whatever that means.

- So, Nicole lives on Bob Hope Drive, huh?

Pretty impressive, Wendell.

- Yeah, I know, you should see her house, too.

Shoot, they even have a mailbox shaped like a little castle.

- Yeah, well, we're proud of you, man.

- Real proud. - What are you doing today?

- Well, see this girl in the white, Wendell?

- [Wendell] oh yeah.

- Well, that's what I'm gonna do today.

- We just have to figure out how.

- Well, why don't you just go up and introduce yourself

and ask her out?

- Wendell, Wendell, Wendell. - Wendell, this is no

ordinary girl, she has to be approached delicately,

with finesse. - see, that's what's so great

about you guys, you know these things.

I mean, like last night.

Nicole said she only left Zelda's with me in the first place

because she felt sorry for me.

She didn't decide she liked me until later.

And you guys figured that out

right from the start, didn't you?

- Yeah. - Mm hmm.

- Oh boy, that's great.

Thanks a lot, guys. - Don't mention it.

(upbeat music)

- [Both] she felt sorry for him.

(upbeat music)

- Joe, you gotta snap out of it.

Joe, I'm telling you, you're well-rid of her.

She did not deserve a guy like you.

- Don't say that, she was wonderful, and I loved her.

And it's my fault she left.

- How can you say that?

A girl you've been faithful to for the past six years

of your life, leaves you for another man,

and then tells you, all she was after in the first place

was your money, and that's your fault?

- I don't think I'll be able to trust another woman

as long as I live. - You will, Joe, you will.

We just have to find someone who won't care how rich you are

who wouldn't be sexually demanding.

- Oh come on now, where are we gonna find a woman like that?

- I don't know, Joe.

I don't know.

(airplane engine roaring)

- [Man] Look at that, huh?

It's a plane.

(people chattering)

(dramatic instrumental music)

(crowd shrieking)

(water splashes)

(crowd applauding)

(dramatic instrumental music)

- [woman] ooh, I wanna get this, hand me my Polaroid.

(crowd cheering and applauding)

- oh, that was beautiful. - Thank you.

(dramatic instrumental music)

(crowd cheering and applauding)

I'm terribly sorry about the intrusion.

It was a trick of the wind.

I was supposed to land at the university campus;

I'm lecturing there tonight.

My publisher thought sky diving might be a good publicity

stunt to promote my new book, "Mind, Body and sex".

It'll be at your bookstores soon.

- Hey, just who the hell are you supposed to be?

- (scoffs) Boys, you'll have to wait your turn.

- So listen, Nicole.

What I was thinking was, my astronomy club

is having an awards banquet in three weeks.

Would you like to come?

I'll pay for your trip and everything.

I think I may have a shot at best scale model

of the solar system.


that's too cocky.

She'll think I'm an egomaniac or something.

(playful music)



(steam hissing)

- Did you see the look on her face when I flew in?

- All I saw was her walking away from the pool, Chas.

- So she plays hard to get; I can handle that.

- Nobody that looks like that has the right

to play hard to get.

I mean, she owes it to Mankind to be easy.

- You know, you are a real class act.

- Hey, fuck you! - Fuck you!

- Hold it!

Look, we're not getting anything accomplished here.

All right, now suppose we both get her.

What do we do then, declare a draw?

- Not on your life.

It's literally first come, first served.

Which brings us to a little matter of proof.

- Proof, what do you mean, proof?

- What do you mean, our word's not good enough?

- Let's just say I wouldn't put $1000 on it.

- Jesus. - okay, what kind

of proof do you want? - Hey, that is your problem.

- And we're talking hard evidence here.

- Yeah guys, you gotta convince us.

- Okay, you want proof?

We want proof. - Yeah!

- Whatever you say, gentlemen.

- Oh Jesus, I just had a horrible thought.

- Good, what?

- Well, you don't think she's weird or something?

Like, a virgin. - come on, J.C.,

if there's still a virgin left in this world over the age

of 13, I will personally put in a call to Ripley's.

- Oh hi, you guys!

- Hey J.C., you got a phone?

- I just wanted to let you know

that I'm taking the Jeep to pick up Nicole.

- Okay Wendell, see you later. - Have a good time.

- [Wendell] okay.

- Jesus man, what'd you do?

Soak your clothes in Pierre Cardin?

- Too much, huh?

I'll buy you some more on the way home, Mother.

- Don't worry about it.

(door squeaks) - Jesus, you Theta Pigs

must be desperate, pledging a wimp like that.

- Wimp huh?

He's off to pick up his girlfriend,

we're sitting around here, sweating our asses off

with a bunch of guys.

Think about it. -And furthermore, J.C.,

why don't you leave him alone.

- No, no, no, as a matter of fact, better idea.

Just leave, okay? - Hey, you know what?

That's a good idea. - Yeah!

- J.C., why don't we get out of here, come on.

Oh, and boys, I wouldn't stay in here too long

if I were you; you might overheat.

(door thuds) (Mother groans)

(chair clattering)

- what the hell was that?

(dramatic electronic music)

Fuckers locked us in!


- Anybody out there?

Okay, let's get this over with.

(bodies thud) (both groan)

(dramatic electronic music)

(horn honks)

(dog barks)

- Lay rubber, Wendell!

- Ah, what? - Lay rubber!

Please, for me?

(engine revs)

(tires squeal)

(engine turns and grinds)

(tires squeal)


(Mother and Joe groan) (chair clatters)

- Jesus christ, we coulda died in there!

- But we didn't.

Let's get those bastards.

(Joe groans)

(soft music)

- Hey, what the fuck are you doing?

- Go Joe, she's coming.

Get inside! - what?

- Pull on the door, follow my lead!

(door thuds)

(soft music)

Joe please, don't do this!

No woman is worth it!

You can't take your own life! - oh yes I can!

Believe me, it's better this way.

Leave me alone!

- She's hooked, Joe, on three.

Joey, I'm coming in, I gotta save you!

- [Joe] No, don't do it!

I wanna die!

- One, two, three! (groans)

Joey, speak to me! (slapping)

speak to me! - Is he all right?

- Joey, you're gonna be okay.

- Is there anything I can do to help?

(Joe groans) - I don't know.

What do we do?

- We've gotta bring his body temperature down.

Let's use a shower. - shower, right!

Joey, you fool! (Joe groaning)

- [Joe] I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- [Ashley] Easy does it.

- [Joe] (head thuds) ow!

- Okay, what do we do now?

- Take off his trunks, diaphragmatic circulation.

- Right.

- Good, now cold water, quickly!

- How cold? - very cold.

(water splashes) - whew.

- [Ashley] why would he do a thing like this?

- His girlfriend left him; he's insane with grief.

- Oh, the poor thing.

We better call a doctor.

- Oh no, he'll be fine now, thanks to you.

Of course, it's hard to say.

He may try this again.

Unless he finds a reason to live, some little thing

to look forward to. - Like what?

- I don't know, it wouldn't take much,

just a woman that would listen to him,

be sensitive to what he's going through,

not try to take advantage of him sexually.

(water splashing)

- I suppose I could, maybe dinner or something.

- Oh no, I couldn't ask that of you.

No, you've done more than enough already.

- No really, it's okay.

If you really think it would help.

- You're a very kind person.

(horse neighs) - come on, boy.

Oh Wendell, don't you just love horses?

They're so sensual and so majestic.

- And so tall!

Hey, you know, Nicole, mine looks a little bit tired.

Maybe we should head back. - Your horse isn't tired,

Wendell, he's just lazy. - Lazy?

- [Nicole] come on, giddy up!

- [Wendell] Nicole, Nicole, I don't know what to do!

Whoa, whoa, horsey!

Nicole! (screams)

(upbeat music)

♪ You say that you need my love ♪

♪And you wanted my body I don't mind ♪

♪ Baby all I got is time ♪

♪And I'm waiting to make you mine ♪

♪ You say you want to stay the night ♪

♪ But you leave me tomorrow, I don't care ♪

♪All of the rules are right ♪

♪ We can take it anywhere ♪

♪ It's physical attraction physical attraction ♪

♪ It's chemical reaction ♪

♪ It's physical attraction ♪

♪ But it's chemical reaction yeah ♪

♪ Trying hard to get away ♪

♪ But I can't seem to fight the way I feel ♪

♪ Even though you're not for real ♪

♪ Your touch is driving me ♪

♪ Crazy and when you smile ♪

♪ It's just making me want you more and more ♪

♪ Baby won't you stay a while ♪

♪ It could be such a fantasy ♪

♪ Physical attraction physical attraction ♪

♪ It's a chemical reaction ♪

(engine revs)

(tires squeal)

- Feeling better?

- Oh yeah, I'll be fine.

- Well, go home and get some sleep,

because I don't want you all pale and sickly like that

when you meet my parents tomorrow.

- Oh, I wont' be, don't worry.

- Wendell, I don't want to make you nervous or anything,

but if my daddy doesn't approve of you,

I won't be seeing you anymore.

- Hmm.

Well, I can understand that.

I'm pretty close to my parents, too.

- Yeah, but I live with mine.

And believe me, daddy can make things pretty rough

on me when I bring a guy home

that he doesn't think is good enough.

For instance, one time he even held a guy's head

in the pool until he promised never to call me again.

Well, you can imagine how horrible that was for me.

- Huh?

- Don't look so serious, Wendell, you'll be fine.

Well (lips smack) see ya.

(birds chirping)

(gate clatters loudly)

- Yeah, see ya.

(breathing deeply)

- That's very good, Ashley.

Do you see what I mean?

- [Girls] uh huh, uh huh.

- Oh yeah, you've got it, you've got it now.

Now try it again, just a little more slowly.

(both exhaling)

Yeah, breathe, yeah.

You feel it? - You're right.

I can feel the difference, thank you.

When did you say your book is coming out again?

- Next month, it's kind of an Eastern and western

technique combined into a gradual,

practical at-home program.

I think you'll like it. - Hmm, sounds fascinating.

Can you show me more?

- I'm sorry, I really can't.

If I start that, I'll never get out of here.

- Oh, I understand.

Well, thank you, though. - Look, I'll tell you what,

though, I've got a free half hour or so

before a seminar I'm lecturing at tonight.

I could stop by?

- I'd love that, but I'm sorry, I'm busy tonight.

How about tomorrow?

- All right, but I am pretty pressed for time.

Okay, tomorrow, I'll call first.

What's your number?

(laid-back music)

- [Joe] You're right, we got a perfect shot from here.

- Of course I'm right, Joe, I'm always right.

- What time am I supposed to pick her up?

- Seven.

Okay, let's see this.

(suspenseful music)


All right, now remember, when you get her on the bed,

make sure all the lights are on so we know it's you, okay?

- Right. - All right.

There she is, Joe.

- Get a few test shots. - Good idea.

(camera shutter clicking)

oh my god, she's starting to disrobe, Joe!

(camera shutter clicking)

oh lord!

You know, we really shouldn't be doing this.

This could be interpreted as perverted behavior.

- Okay, well let me see.

(camera shutter clicking)

- All right!

I'm appalled at myself.

- Can I take a look, please?

- Come on, get lost, you get to go to bed

with her in a couple hours.

You could at least allow me this pleasure.

(playful music) (camera shutter clicking)

All right, go ahead.

- She's gone. - sorry.


- well, do I look vulnerable and heartbroken enough?

- Let's see.

Slacks modestly loose.

Not a millimeter of chest hair exposed.

Understated, yet at the same time elegant.

I say she's yours by midnight.


He must of had quite a day.

You know something, I think we should unleash

a god-damn tiger here.

- Hey, does he know we borrowed his telescope?

- Yeah, I left him a note, come on.

(crickets chirping)

what's the matter with you?

Joe, what's the matter?

- She really seems like kind of a nice girl, huh?

- She is a nice girl, Joe, but look,

nobody's gonna get hurt.

You're gonna have a good time, she's gonna have a good time.

We're gonna be a grand richer,

and we're gonna show those idiots who's boss at Iowa state.

- Not to mention some great action shots for the scrapbook.

- Right. (chuckles)

so remember, the reputation

of Theta Pi sigmas everywhere is in your hands tonight.

(both slapping)

so in other words,

don't fuck this up. - Right.


(crickets chirping)

- [Madman Mac] okay, Madman Mac here,

on a serious note if I may, I wanna dedicate this next one

to my ex-wife Bunny, who taught me the meaning

of the word 'bliss' when she ran off to Dallas

with a used Cadillac salesman.

It's the stompers, and Coast to Coast.

(upbeat music)

- I hope you don't mind, that was our song.

- Oh, I understand.

♪ It's the traveling rock and roll show ♪

♪ In town and on your radio ♪

♪ When the drummer hits that beat ♪

♪ You can't help but move your feet ♪

♪ Boys and girls all over the town ♪

♪ Were spinning around and around ♪

- I knew it, those bastards!

So predictable.

(upbeat music)

♪Ain't them cats the most ♪

♪ Rocking from coast to coast ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Raise the glasses and give them a toast ♪

♪ They're reelin' and rockin' from coast to coast ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

- Hey! - Hey crazy!

What are you doing?

You broke it, dude! - Excuse me.

Here we go, yep.

(upbeat music)

- oh shit!

(horns honking)

(hood clatters)

- oh, a smile.

What brought that on?

- I don't know, I just suddenly felt better. (chuckles)

♪ oh ain't them cats the most ♪

- Mother!

Mother, move your god-damn Jeep!

- Aw, sorry guys.

Oh please.

Oh, let me guess, this is Joe's pregnant girlfriend, right?

You know, I thought the herpes gag was cute but this--

- Hey, a grand is a grand, whatever works.

You know what I mean? - Yeah, I do know

what you mean, Chas. - what are you doing?

(keys jangle)

(Mother vocalizes) - Hey!

- [Policeman] what seems to be the problem here?

- No problem at all, officer.

My Jeep seems to have stalled.

- I seem to have lost my keys, sir.

- [Policeman] Just behave yourselves, guys.

- [Ashley] oh, here we go.


(soft music)

- Huh?

- Joe, listen.

I want you to know something. - Yes?

- Well, your friend Mother told me

what you're going through.

And I-- - He had no right

to do that. - Yes he did.

He was just trying to help.

I understand how you're feeling right now.

- No, you're just saying that. - No I'm not.

You see, I'm wealthy too, Joe.

And I had somebody use me because of money.

It really hurts, but it gets easier with time, I promise.

I just want you to know that you can talk

to me about it if you want to.

And if it helps at all, you can lean on me.

- Well, thank you, Ashley.

I just might take you up on that.

(camera shutter clicks)

- oh wow, look at the moon.



oh no!


- [woman] oh, rape!

Oh rape, rape!


- Listen kid, don't panic.

I believe you, the old bag will probably calm down

in a couple hours and she'll drop the charges.

- Oh, you think so? - sure.

The worst is you're gonna have to listen

to the chief scream at ya for a while.

- Chief? - Yeah.

You're not gonna like him.

Nobody does. (cell door clatters)

I'll tell ya, he's a colossal asshole.

He loves to get his rocks off busting kids

who wanna come to Palm springs for a little fun.

Just behave yourself; you'll be outta here pretty quick.

Okay? - okay, I will.

Oh, thank you.

- [Man] Thank you.

(man laughing)

- Long dinner is a good sign.

I'm getting kinda bored, though.

Joey, where are you?

- It was a lovely evening, Joe.

- Oh, I really enjoyed it, too.

- Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?

Or maybe a brandy? - oh, no thank you.

- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.

Really, I'm just a little faint.

I'm sure I'll be fine if I can just make it back

to my place and lie down. - You're not going anywhere!

Come with me.

(Joe groans)

- Ashley,

I really am sorry about this.

I'll be out of your hair,

just as soon as I can. - It's okay, Joe.

Just lie down for a second.

- All right, it's showtime!

The lights, the lights, the lights.

- Oh, it's a little dark in here.

- Yes!

Get the curtains, Joey!

- It's stuffy, too.

(suspenseful music)

- [Mother] All right, Joe.

Sometimes you even amaze me.

- [Ashley] There, you just lay there.

I'll get you some water. - oh no, please!

(camera shutter clicks)

- [Mother] Get her on the bed.

- Can you just sit here next to me?

- Come on, come on, nice and easy.

Joey, no, don't do it, no!

Joe, you're blowing it!

(Mother groans)

oh god.

- Joe, please!

Stop it!

- God, what am I doing?

Ashley, really, I'm sorry.

I just lost my head for a minute.

Really, forgive me. - It's okay.

I just hope you didn't misinterpret anything

I might have said.

I mean, if I mislead you in any way?

- Oh no, no, it was completely my fault.

(sighs) can you just sit here, and we'll talk about it?

- Joe. - Hmm?

- Go home.

- Beautiful, beautiful.

Just wonderful, wonderful.

Great, just great, great, great. (groans)

- (sighs) I was pacing again, wasn't I?

I'll stop.

I'm sorry, I'm just nervous.

This is my first arrest.

- Sure it is, mine too.

- Well, what did they arrest you for?

- For being overly affectionate

to an undercover vice-squad officer.

- They can arrest you for that?

That seems unfair.

- Yeah, we think so too, but it's okay.

We're used to it.

(cell door clatters) (keys jangling)

- well, well, well, look what we got here.

My very own little supermarket of sin.

Isn't this a sight to behold.

- Hi Chief Butfface!

Take any good bribes lately?

- What'd you say, miss?

- She said, have you taken--

- I heard what she said, Miss Jones.

I just find it hard to believe that degenerate filth

would have the affront even to dare speak to me.

- Excuse me, sir?

- What the hell do you want?

You perverted little piece of shit!

- Oh well, forgive me for saying this, sir,

but please don't talk to them like that.

You know, we're all innocent until proven guilty.

I think we deserve a little more consideration.

- You're trying to tell me how to talk at my own jail?

- Well, it's just a little constructive criticism, sir.

- You want constructive criticism,

I'll give you constructive criticism.

Rapists make my flesh crawl.

You foul the very air that I breathe.

You and every other sinner in this place.

Trying to corrupt my town, my streets.

You have any idea who I am?

You miserable little twerp!

- Sir, aren't you Chief Buttface?

(women laughing)

(can pops)

- How could you blow it, Joe?

I mean, what the hell were you thinking?

- Do you wanna drop it, or what?

- No, I don't wanna drop it.

- To tell you the truth, I'm getting a little sick

and tired of hearing about it.

- Okay, Joe, I'll go upstairs, wake little Wendell,

and ask him how we're gonna win a grand

with a bunch of action shots of Ashley Taylor

telling you to go fuck yourself.

- Let's get the god-damn things developed,

and I'll figure something out, all right?

- Well, you better. - well, I will.

- Well, you better. - well, I will.

- Well, you better. (water splashing)

- [Wendell] Listen, thanks a lot for the ride.

- Are you kidding?

Thank you for sticking up for us,

for bailing us out-- - For everything.

You were wonderful. (Wendell scoffs)

oh Wendell, wouldn't you like a little company?

- Oh well, that's very nice, but I gotta get some sleep.

Thanks anyway, though. - Bye, Wendell.

- Bye. - Bye, sweetie.

- Okay.

Boy, what a night!

What time is it?

- 5:30. - 5:30?

I don't believe it.

I'm supposed to meet Nicole's parents

in six and a half hours.

How am I gonna make a good impression with no sleep?

You know, when I don't get eight hours

I look like a big pile of dog doo-doo.

Boy, leave it to old Wendell to get arrested

when I got something important to do.

- [Mother] Arrested, for what?

- Attempted rape.

And she let me sit there all night

before she dropped the charges.

I'm telling you, oh, I'm exhausted.

- We've created a monster.

(laid-back music)

- Hey gentlemen, would you like

to come on in and take a look?

- Huh? - I'm ready.

(suspenseful music)

- That's the best I could do on such short notice.

Give me a little bit more time,

I can make 'em look a lot better.

- (groans) These are terrible.

We lost, Joe. - Hey man, give me a break.

I told you that's the best I could do.

- No, no, no, that's not what I mean.

It's not your fault.

- What? - well, what now,

Mr. I swear to god I thought I had her?

- Hang on a minute, I'm thinking.



What would it look like

if we put this on top of this?

- Hmm. - Yeah! (taps)


how about that superimposed on this?

- Honestly? - Yeah.

- It'll look like the cover of the National Enquirer.

- [Mother and Joe] Perfect.

(recorder clicks)

- [Ashley] I love Chopin.

Would that be all right?

- Oh, that's good.

I know a lot of people recommend music

with a loud, heavy beat, but, here sit down.

As you'll see in chapter six of my book,

I adhere to the theory that exercise

should be done in a relaxed, placid atmosphere

for a more total union of the physical and metaphysical.

Here, spread your legs.

Hold me.

I want you to remember to breathe deeply and relax.

We're gonna do some long circles,

and I want you to move with me, yes.


- How's this?

- Oh Ashley, fantastic.

Do you feel it?

- Oh yes!

- Does it hurt?

- A little.

But it feels good.

- Oh, I'm glad, yeah.

All right, now, we're gonna do another one

that I think you're gonna like even better.

Lie down on your back.

Okay, now put your hands up behind your head, like this.

(peaceful piano music)

- what are you doing?

Get off of me!

- Oh come on, baby, you know you want it!

Come on, just relax.

Relax, let it happen, yeah.

Hmm, good.

(dull thud) (Chas groans)

Does this mean you want me to leave?

(peaceful piano music)

(door thuds)

(classical music)

- I'm sure daddy will be along any minute.

- I certainly hope so; I despise it when he's late.

So, Willard--

- Mother, it's Wendell. - whatever.

Just exactly what is it that your father does?

- He owns one of the largest pig farms

in central Iowa, Mrs. Ferret.

- He's a pig farmer?

- Yes, ma'am!

- Did you know this, Nicole? - of course not, mother.

- Oh!

- How do you do, sir?

I'm Wendell Tvedt.

- How do you do, Wendell?

Would you care to see the wine list?

- I think we'll just wait for my husband.

Thank you, Alfonze.

- Oh good, here's daddy now.

(dramatic instrumental music)

- Rapist! (growls)

(women shriek) (chief groans)

(table and dishes clattering)


(door thuds)

- what's going on? - Ridiculous!

(guests chattering)

(soft music)

- oh Wendell?

I don't think my father liked you very much, I'm sorry.

- No you're not.

- Well I most certainly am.

What do you mean?

- I saw you smiling, Nicole.

- I didn't smile.

I happen to be very upset about this.

Let's face it, you blew it.

- I didn't blow it, Nicole.

I didn't do anything wrong in there.

And what your father did to me was very unfair.

You know what I think?

I think you liked it.

I think you like seeing your father

do that to your boyfriends.

- You're just being silly.

- And you know what else I think, Nicole?

I think that makes you, not very nice.

That's too bad, 'cause I really thought you were.

- Well, if that's the way you feel about it.

Good bye, Wendell!

(soft music)

- Good bye, Nicole.

- [Chas and J.C.] Ready or not, here we come!

- [Mother] Yeah, we're ready for you too, suckers.

Get up here.

(J.C. whoops)

- Pay up, boys, we scored!

- So did we.

- I don't believe it.

(suspenseful music)

- Read 'em and weep.

- Well now, wait a minute.

What the hell does this prove?

You've got your clothes on,

and she's not even in bed with you.

I mean, how the hell do we know anything happened?

- Come on, Chas, she's naked, I'm reaching for her.

What more do you need? - Yeah!

I suppose you got something better?

- Yes.


- [Chas on Tape] very good, you're fantastic, Ashley.

(groans) Does it hurt?

- [Ashley on Tape] A little, but it feels good.

- Mm hmm? - Yeah!


- In case you didn't recognize it, gentlemen,

that's the sound of two people fucking.

- So it is.

But when?

- When what?

- When did you do it to her?

- Not more than six hours ago.

- Ah ha, well, I took those pictures

on that roof last night, my friend.

- Take money on a bullshit technicality like that?

- Admit it.

- Here, you assholes.

- On behalf of Theta Pi sigmas everywhere--

(both slapping)

we humbly thank you for your contribution.

Easiest money I've ever made in my life.

- It certainly is, you son of a bitch!

You made a bet on me?

How could you do this?

And what kind of people are you, anyway?

I just wish you'd tell me what I did

to any of you to deserve this.

I mean, is it fun lying to someone?

Taking advantage of their vulnerability for a stupid bet?

And now you're lying to each other.

Tell them.

Nothing happened.

I want you to tell them that.

Then you tell 'em.

(scoffs) what's the use?

- You lied about this?

Give me my money back.

- Fuck the money, man.

We gotta go after her.

- What for? It's over.

- Don't you think she deserves an apology?

- Fine, I'll send her some dowers.

In the meantime, could you get me a beer?

I am beat.

(door thuds)

(engine revs)

- Ashley!

Wait, please!

I'm sorry!

- You really don't give a shit, do you?

- What the hell are you getting so self-righteous about?

You were into it as much as we were.

- I'm not talking about the bet.

I'm talking about your fucking attitudes about everything.

The way you treat people, you smug--

(telephone rings)

who told you, you guys could have those beers anyway?

Hello? - oh Wendell, is that you?

- No, this is Mother. - This is Nicole.

- Oh hi, Nicole. - Is Wendell there?

- Yeah, no.


I thought he was with you. - Well, he was.

My father beat him up.

- He what? - Yeah, he beat him up.

- He beat him up?

- [Nicole] I feel terrible, it was all my fault.

- Look, is he all right?

- [Nicole] I don't know.

I was hoping that-- (line clicks)

- Hello?

(dramatic music)

Look, you guys wait here, watch for Ashley.

Something's happened to Wendell.

(suspenseful music)

- she wouldn't stop.

What's going on? - Wendell.

Nicole's father beat him up.

- Did what?

- She called and we got cut off.

- Where is he?

Is he okay? - I don't know.

- He's got the Jeep.

- Well, I'd prefer a Mercedes anyway.

- Keys? - Keys, no keys.

- You ever hot wire before? - Yes, of course, yeah.

- Really? - Yeah, yeah.

Of course. -Are you sure?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why do you think they call me Predonna Jones?

- Come on, this is no time for jokes.

(engine starts)

(tires squeal)

sure it wasn't Bing Crosby Drive?

- [Mother] Bob Hope, Joe.

Just look for a mailbox shaped like a little castle.

- [Joe] How can anybody beat up Wendell?

I hope he's okay. - He better be.

- [Joe] There it is, right there.

(suspenseful music)


(both knock)

- Hi.

Did you find him?

- No, we didn't.

- Look, what did he say?

What's going on?

- He was very upset.

- Do you have any idea where he might have gone?

- Well, I don't know, he-- - sweetheart?

I'll handle this. - But daddy--

- You go back to our guests now.

- Ah, excuse me, but we were talking to Nicole.

- So now you're talking to me,

and we're entertaining back there.

So why don't you two punks get the hell out of here?

- Ah, sir, we're looking for Wendell.

- Oh, you're friends with that little bag of slime, huh?

- What did you call him? - I called him

a little bag of slime, why? - what'd you do to him?

- Same thing I'm gonna do to you two

unless you haul your butts out of here.

- Sir, we'd like to finish our conversation with Nicole.

It'll only take a minute.

- Yeah, sure you would, yeah.

You and every other horny little bastard in this town.

Want you to keep away from my daughter and my house!

Don't show your faces around here again.

You make me sick!

- Listen, sir, please!

If we could just.

(soft instrumental music)

- Forgive the intrusion.

Just a couple of foreign college kids.

- Daddy, I wanted to talk to them.

- Isn't she adorable, my sweet little honey child.

You know, I try to treat these kids decently

when they come into town.

I'm fair, I'm lenient, what thanks do I get?

Intrusions, disrespect, attempts to lure my daughter

into all kinds of mischief. (laughs)

come on, Jose, crank 'er up!

(engine revs)

(dramatic music)

(tires squeal)

(music slows)


(screaming and splashing)

- oh my god!

- We did say please, mother fucker.


- Look, I'm not a criminal, I am a college student.

- [Guard] That's what they all say.

- Must be us.

- [Mother] oh, lovely.

(door clatters)

- Bunk beds?

- Flip you for the top bunk.

- That's cute, cute.

(soft music)

♪ where you gonna run to ♪

♪ When there's no place to hide ♪

♪ How you gonna smile when you're hurt ♪

♪ So deep down inside ♪

♪ How you gonna keep your hands from shaking ♪

♪ When your heart and soul are breaking ♪

♪ You're fooling no one but yourself ♪

♪ You're fooling no one but yourself ♪

- Thanks a lot for stopping; my car broke down.

Oh hi!

Are you okay?

What's wrong?

- Look sir, that vehicle you're holding as evidence

happens to be my $40,000 Mercedes.

- Well, that just about makes you an accessory, doesn't it?

What's your name?

- Charles Lawlor lll.

We had no idea they took the car, and I'd like it back.

- Oh, they perpetrated their flagrant destruction

of private property and they stole a vehicle.

That's gonna add some time to their sentence.

- No, see, they didn't actually steal it.

They were just sort of borrowing it.

- Look, look, look, look,

this is getting entirely out of hand.

How much?

- I beg your pardon?

- How much to take care of my friends and my car?

- Are you attempting to bribe an officer of the law?

- No, I'm just trying to-- -All right, rich boy.

You got two choices: Put the money back in your pocket

and get the hell out of here.

Or I'm gonna make it a foursome in that, son,

now what's it gonna be?

- (sighs) J.C. yeah.

(upbeat music)

- [Madman Mac] okay, you last blasters,

this is Madman Mac with an important message

from the mighty management at the Ramada resort.

No drinking, no drugs, no running, no pushing,

no shoving, no splashing, no diving, no jumping,

no screaming, no yelling, no dancing, no singing,

no rocking, no rolling, no kissing, no hugging!

In other words, get it up but keep it down!

(upbeat music)

- Excuse me, excuse me, can I have your attention, please!

Thank you!

I'm Chas Lawlor, Iowa state.

I'd like to talk to you for a minute.

While I do, the drinks are on me.

(crowd cheering and applauding)

chief of police Buttface with his usual Gestapo tactics

has incarcerated two of our fellow students

for a minor infraction.

So there's one thing I would like you to do.


♪Another palm drink to the jailhouse blues ♪


- Hey Mother, it's the chief!

- Hi, chief!

- Are you two little faggots comfortable?

- Oh, pretty comfortable.

We could use a pool table, however.

- But other than that, it's kinda nice.

(horns honking)

(people chanting)

(upbeat music)

- [Madman Mac] I got a bulletin for all you Last Blasters

still not with it, hey, the Last Blast has been moved, baby,

from the Ramada resort to the Palm springs city Hall.

That's okay, it doesn't matter where you do it,

but how you do it, so let's do it, do it.

Free the Palm springs Two!

♪ I'm coming into the tune to rock some more ♪

- What the hell's going on here?

Holy shit!


the bull horn.

(horn crackles)

- Daddy?

(crowd chanting)

- okay, get your guys out of here, I gotta work overtime.

All right, boys and girls, now hear this!

Hear this!

I want you all to disperse, right now, that's it.

Nope, pack it up, let's go home.

Good night.

Now that's enough!

I order you to disperse!

(crowd booing)

That's it, I warned you, turkeys.

Get ready for this.

Nelson, call in the National Guard.

- Daddy? - Not now, sweetheart.

Daddy's busy.

What the hell does it take?

- Let them go. - what?

- I said, let them go, please.

- Absolutely not, it's out of the question.

- If you don't let them go,

I will never, ever speak to you again.

- Oh, sweetheart!

- And I'll marry a democrat.

(chief groans)

(crowd cheering)

(upbeat music)

- Thanks for coming, Chas.

- Hey, when it's us against you guys, I root for us.

When it's us against them, I root for all of us.

- All right!

(crowd cheering and clapping)

- As you know, ours was a short but grueling imprisonment.

An imprisonment rife with the anguish of knowing

that while we were in there, staring at cold steel bars,

you guys were out here partying your asses off!

(crowd cheering and clapping)

I want you to know, that if we had it to do over,

we'd do it again!


- oh, and look, Ashley, see those three stars right there?

- Uh huh. - Those form Orion's Belt.

- Was Nicole really your first girlfriend?

- Well, if you call seeing the same person

two days in a row your girlfriend, I guess.

Want to know something kinda funny?

- What?

- I think Joe and Mother think Nicole and I really did it.

But we didn't.

To tell you the truth, I've never really

done it with anyone; I'm still a virgin.

But that's okay, there's not many of us left in the world.

Are you one, too?

- Would you be disappointed if I weren't?

- Oh no, Ashley, not at all.

I mean, I'm not one because I wanna be or anything.

It's just kinda worked out that way so far.

- But you let Joe and Mother go on believing

that you and Nicole had.

- Yeah.

- Why, Wendell?

- I don't know.

It was probably the wrong thing to do,

but for the first time since I've known them,

they actually seem to like me.

I don't know why, but for some reason

it seems to make a difference to them.

- Is it that important that they like you?

- Yeah, I guess it is.

It just hurts to feel left out.

- You bet it does.

(soft music)

(upbeat music)

(crowd cheering)

(Mother cheers)

- [Man] shake it, Mother!

- When Chas Lawlor sacrificed his beloved Mercedes,

I heard him say, "Fuck it, it's insured."

well, that's kinda how I feel about life.

- Whoa boy, let's go, let's break out the champagne.

- Where's the champagne!

(group cheering)

- oh wow, look at this, cool ball!

Whoa all right, yeah!

- Hey, hey, could you keep it down in here a little?

You woke me up.

- Wendell, where the hell have you been?

We've been worried about you.

- I'm sorry, Joe, I didn't mean to worry you.

I'm okay.

(group murmuring)

- You sure are.

- All right.

All right, I'm man enough to admit defeat.

I guess the Theta Pis won, here.

- Oh, I don't want that, Chas, thanks anyway.

- Under the circumstances, I don't expect you

to believe a word of this but,

I really am sorry, Ashley.

You're a very nice person, and you don't deserve--

- Joe. - Yeah?

- Any friend of Wendell's is a friend of mine.

- All right, have a beer.

- We go way back, Wendell and I.

- Yeah, we've been close for close to 30, 40 seconds now.

(group laughing)

(doorbell ringing) - Hey, that's Mother!

Wendell, hold the door.

- Oh Mother!

(group cheers)

- we got it!

- Hold it, one, two,


- Mother.

- [Both] surprise!


- Wendell!

I'm proud of you son, I'm real proud.

- Oh no, it's his parents! (laughing)

- [Wendell] when did you two get in?

- We just got here, we wanted to surprise you.

- Sorry.

- Mother! - Mother!


- All right! (cheering)

- [Madman Mac] This is Madman Mac,

getting over this weekend's insanity attack.

Oh, I hope Palm springs showed you

half as good a time as you showed us!

This is Madman Mac saying so long, everybody.

- Bye guys, son. - Bye dad.

- Bye Wendell. - oh okay.

Don't worry about the pigs, I'll take.

- Okay, bye. - Bye.

(upbeat music)

- I'll call you.

- I'll call you too, Ashley.

- You are a stud. - I am not.

- [Joe] I want lessons from this man.

- So, I guess we'll see you assholes back on campus.

- Not if we see you first.

(scoffing) - oh Wendell!

- See you guys.

- Bye J.C., take care of yourself.

Bye Chas.

(upbeat music)

♪ Hey boy the odds are in your favor ♪

♪ First you are beginning to be ♪

♪ So get going put it on the line now ♪

♪ The first move is the hardest to make ♪

♪ Take a chance show your feelings ♪

♪ Take a chance let her in ♪

♪ Take a chance out of nowhere ♪

♪ You thought you were dreaming ♪

♪ Now your dream is coming true ♪

♪ You thought you were a long shot ♪

♪ Beginner's luck, it could happen to you ♪

♪ There you are sitting at the stoplight ♪

♪ Waiting for the light to change ♪

♪ She pulls up, she's rolling down her window ♪

♪ Hey boy better ask her her name ♪

♪ Take a chance show your feelings ♪

♪ Take a chance let her in ♪

♪ Take a chance out of nowhere ♪

♪ You thought you were dreaming ♪

♪ Now your dream is coming true ♪

♪ You thought you were a long shot ♪

♪ Beginner's luck it could happen to you ♪

♪ When you're not looking ♪

♪ Sneaking up from behind ♪

♪ Taking hold of your heart boy ♪

♪ That sweet surprise ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Hey boy the odds are in your favor ♪

♪ First you've got to get in the game ♪

♪ So get going put it on the line now ♪

♪ The first move is the hardest to make ♪

♪ Take a chance show your feelings ♪

♪ Take a chance let her in ♪

♪ Take a chance out of nowhere ♪

♪ You thought you were dreaming ♪

♪ Now your dream is coming true ♪

♪ You thought you were a long shot ♪

♪ Beginner's luck, it could happen to you ♪

♪ It could happen to you ♪

♪ It could happen it could happen ♪

♪ It could happen to you ♪

♪ It could happen it could happen ♪

♪ It could happen to you ♪

♪ It could happen it could happen ♪

♪ It could happen to you ♪