Frankie Howerd: Rather You Than Me (2008) - full transcript
In the 1950s Frankie Howerd, the famous radio and film comedian, meets a young waiter Dennis Heymer, who, like himself, is a closet homosexual. Their relationship blossoms into a partnership, rather than a purely sexual one, and Dennis becomes Frankie's manager. By the early 1960s however things are looking bleak for Frankie. He has lost popularity with mainstream audiences and suffered a nervous breakdown. He is full of self hatred about his appearance - he wears a wig - and his homosexuality, puts huge stress on his relationship with Dennis. Matters are not helped by the death of Frankie's mother Edith. However, Frankie is able to reinvent himself as a satirical comedian, with a gig at Peter Cook's Establishment Club and his fortunes soar, with successful television comedies and a well-publicized appearance at the Oxford Union.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Now, now. Llsten, llsten.
We'll get on with It, the comedy actlng.
I'll get on with the comedy stuff,
If that's all rlght.
Okay. Go.
Oh, no. Oh, no, mlssus. Oh, no.
You shut your face, you.
Oh, no, no, not on your nelly.
Tltter ye not. Tltter ye not.
Nay, nay and thrlce nay.
And nay agaln. Nay.
I'll do an encore, you know. I don't
usually do an encore tlll the end.
Well, If I get to the end.
I suppose you'll go Into polltlcs. Yes.
You're true blue.
Oh, I don't llke labour people.
No, no, no.
1 mean, they're a“ par-faced.
They seem to have this terrlble problem
with thelr halr.
No. Not “he you.
we're very honoured to have you here.
I'll Introduce you and then
you can expect
a warm hand on your entrance.
Yes, you've done your homework, you.
- Are you...
- Oh, It's my back, Sheridan.
I'm a martyr.
Would you...
would you...
Be a paL
well, I won't get your tltters out.
Well, I can't do anythlng
about that now, can I?
Sheridan,
the Presldent of the Oxford Unlon.
Thls ls Mr Heymer,
my manager and my chauffeur.
- I can see to hlm now, thank you.
- SHERIDAN: Excellent.
- Gettlng too old for this.
- Too old for what?
Ready to glve It up.
On with the motley.
Glve us a klss, then.
- I'm not glvlng you a klss.
- Oh, go on.
DEIIMS.
You won't forget to hackle me, will you?
No. I bloody won't.
(SCREAMING AND CHEERING)
I'm not, well, you know,
well, you don't know,
but you'll belleve when I tell you.
I'm not what you'd call
a clever clogs, you know.
O levels or A levels.
Don't know nothlng llke that.
No, no, no.
With belng students,
I'm not what you'd call an academic.
By no way could you call me
an lntellectuaL
Hear, hear.
Which ls why I feel
so at home here tonlght.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You shut your face, you. He's mocklngl
He's mocking Francls.
He's mocking your Francls.
I was going to tell you this story
about a gamekeeper, rlght?
Thls gamekeeper,
he used to go around the woods,
all the time, you know,
with his gun looking for game,
In the woods to shoot.
And he comes across this copplce.
A copplce. A copplce In the woods.
Yes, please, mlssus, please.
You know, pay attention.
And, oh, there's W: girl,
a beautiful girl, yes.
In this copplce and she's beautlfuL
Yes.
A copplcel A copplce In the woods.
Yes. Please, mlssus.
Please pay attention.
- Were you nervous?
- Me? Nervous?
I mean, standlng up
In front of the Queen.
I've never had a moment's trouble
with nerves In my llfe.
He's all rlght, Roger.
Blg, funny-looking fellow over there.
I used to love hlm on Varlnyflandbmr.
ROGER: Stars, they ls all the same.
Last Christmas, he offered me
10 bob to wank hlm off.
- Only 10 bob?
- Yeah, stlngy bastard.
You know, he's the hlghest pald
entertalner In the country.
Even Gilbert Hardlng glve me a flver.
HOWERD: And I'm slck of belng a comlc,
you know.
In any case, I want to be an actor.
Yes, In the copplce,
oh, she's beautlfuL
And do you know, he...
You know, she looked at hlm. Yes.
He, you know, looks at her.
And he sald, "Excuse me. Are you game?"
And she sald, "Yes." So he shot her.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm just going to go and powder my nose.
I llke your glrlfrlend. Very nlce.
Jane's my companion.
She's not my glrlfrlend.
The klnd of glrls I usually go for...
I prefer glrls with shorter halr and
rather flatter chests, you understand?
And the klnd who don't expect too much
In return.
Were you breast-fed?
No, I'm serlous. were you breast-fed,
I mean, by your mother?
- I don't suppose I was, no.
- I was. Everyday.
I couldn't get enough of It. They used
to have to pull me off llke a llmpet.
Don't you ever feel the urge
to return to the womb?
I don't thlnk my mum'd let me.
She doesn't much llke me
llvlng In the back bedroom.
(GROANS)
- What? What?
- It's my back. Terrlble trouble with It.
Where's the boss? Come on. Where Is he?
Come here, youl
- Rather you than me.
- Get up them stalrs. Go on.
You manlac. Get out of this clubl
Come on.
Oh, no. Oh, no, mlssus, no, no.
Tltter ye not. Tltter ye not.
Nay, nay and thrlce nay.
And nay agaln. Nay.
Bugger It.
We're comlng out.
we're comlng out In a torrent now.
HOWERD: Well, you can't U: there
all night, can you?
DENNXS: Whatever you like.
HOWERD: You're very good-looking,
aren't you?
I haven't got as mud! money
as you think.
DENNIS: Didn't ask fur money, did I?
HOWERD: No. Notyrt
Nlce to meet you, Dennls.
I can stay.
HOWERD: hmen I was a UM: boy,
In Eltham, I was very flmld. Yes.
Very shy boy, ye!-
And I put that down to breastfeeding.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh, don't please. Llsten. Llsten.
After I was born, my mother,
she went back to her job
at the chocolate factory.
You know, she left my father,
who was unemployed,
to look after me at home.
You know, he used to breastfeed me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
No, don't, please.
You're not taklng this seriously.
He used to, you know,
warm the bottle up.
He used to stlck It up hls vest.
He'd make a IJttle hole,
a IJttle hole here.
He'd stlck the teat through the hole.
Well, 'cause people used to make
thelr own entertainment In those days.
Well, mce again,
let's say welcome In What's My Llne?
and start off In m: usual way
by lnfioduclng the...
I don't need you to help me.
Top of the table, we have David Nixon.
I wlsh you wouldn't do that
In front of the televlslon set.
I llke Frankle Howard, Mum.
For those of you
that don't know the rules...
DENNIS' MUM:
I don't llke Frankle Howard.
I prefer Eamonn Andrews.
Even If he ls a bloody mlck.
Ferdinand Rosenfllal, how are you?
Bloody hell, Dennlsl
I can smell that from here.
Don't he smell llke a tart, Bob?
All right, okay,
we'll start with Frankie Howard.
And we'll tell you
that Mr Rasenthal is waiting.
Frankie?
What the bleeding hell's hls problem?
WOMAN ON TV: Ls It then me of the main
services thatga In people's houses?
HOST: No. Let's go back to Frankie.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
(SIGHING)
- Who ls It?
- It's Dennis.
- Dennls who?
Jenn/s Heymer.
we were at Chequers together.
Do you remember?
And the man with the gun came?
- Oh, yes.
Jsawwhafs My Llne?
I just thought... I thought
I'd call to see If you're okay.
Umm, were you nervous?
Of course I was fucklng nervous.
I'm useless If I haven't got a script
- I'm sorry.
- I'm': always been nervy.
I had an audltlon for RADA once.
And my poor mother packed me
a bag of cheese and onlon sandwiches.
I was trembllng so much durlng
"To be or not to be"
I lobbed them
rlght In Dame Helen Hayes' tlts.
Are you going to be okay?
Oh, It's a bloody disaster.
(WOMAN CHUCKLING)
There we go.
Cheers, mate.
- ALL: Cheers.
- Thanks for comlng.
- You a“ fight'!
- Mmm-hmm.
Yes. It's just that I've lnvlted
someone, but they haven't...
MAN: Fuck me.
Oh, nol I mean my agent.
He's very nlce. Yes.
Very nlce,
but he's always a scruffy man.
I mean, they call hlm Scruffy.
I mean... Don't they, jane?
Scruffy Dale.
Yes, he's on the Uxbrldge Road,
If you want to check, above a pub.
Yes. And he slts there In hls pyjamas
most days, you know.
Fag ash down hls you knows...
The thlng ls, I'm not Important to hlm.
Oh, no, he's got all these other
artlstes, you see. Oh, no, please.
Please don't laugh.
I mean, the thlng ls,
he's got Rusty and hls plgeon frlends.
Which are very, very popular
In Brldllngton.
And he's got, oh,
he's got hflndy blowing hls balloons.
Yeah. You should see
where he puts those balloons.
It'll make your eyes water.
I used to love you on Varlnyflandbmr.
Oh, yes.
It was a very popular programme.
(HOWERD EXHALES DEEPLY)
What's up?
Well, It's emotlonaL Isn't It?
The cork comlng out of the bottle.
I get a bit anxlous sometimes.
I thlnk It's comlng back.
Used to have a terrlble stammer
when I was a boy.
You grow out of a stammer.
Guess you'll be wanting to pop off.
No. I can stay.
- Mornlng.
-just make yourself at home, young man.
- Do you want some eggs?
- Yes, wife.
- You have any family?
- Yeah, my mother and slster.
I love them both very dearly. No, I do.
Always been very good to me.
Made me feel very speclaL
- Your dad still on the go?
- No, he's dead.
Extremely.
- Klds, I'd like.
- What about jane?
No. Could never physically
go about maklng one.
I'm not sure I'd llke to lnfllct myself
on a chlld elther.
I thought for ages
that my mother was dead.
She ran off with a bloke
when I was evacuated.
And I thlnk that's what
she wanted them to say,
you know, she was dead.
- What was It llke when she came back?
- It was a surprlse, wasn't It?
(CHUCKLING) Yesl
I'd love to meet your mother.
She sounds very nlce.
- She look after you?
- Oh, no. I look after her.
Well, I think you need someone
to look after you.
That's just the problem
with belng well known.
You know, people say
they want to look after you,
but they're only after hanglng on
or a job.
Can't Scruffy get you better than that?
He's not seemg to you fight.
You'd thlnk 10 per cent
of what you earn...
I don't want to turn things down, do I?
I don't want a reputation.
- You'll never have a reputation, Frank.
- How did It go, Mr Howerd?
Another bloody disaster.
I was shlttlng myself with nerves.
Frankl Slt up In the front
If you want, Frank love.
Janey and me will be In the back.
- The star doesn't slt In the front, Mum.
- I'll go In the front.
I've always wanted to go to the BBC
It's nlce, lnnlt?
- Just take us to the Savoy, will you?
- Oh, yes. Certainly.
You can't keep staying, though.
Amlred?
Dennls, we've got to be dlscreet.
I'm trylng to get things back on track.
If anyone knew I was queer,
they'd do for me.
Where are we heading today, then?
Where am I taklng you?
It was a sad story.
A sad story. Yes, get your 'ahs' out.
Your 'ahs', dear, yes. He's got
all these terrlble tragedies, yes.
Tragedyl Turmoll after turmolll
If It's a glrL
you're crylng your eyes out.
I shouldn't be dolng comedy,
you know, I should be dolng drama.
But I did do drama, yes.
You should have seen my Bottom.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...I will for thy sweet sake.
No, no. I can't. I can't.
In that ease, get out of the productlonl
Get out of the production.
You've no rlght threatening
the UveUhoods of the others
because of your Incompetence.
Get out If you're going to soll yourself
every week nlght
and twice on Thursdays.
MAN: ...to perlsh on thy sword.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
HOWERD: My Bottom attracted some
warm appreciation, yes.
Well, they tlttered
at Francls' Bottom, yes.
Do you find my genitals attractive,
Dennis?
Well, don't subject them
to parliamentary scrutlny.
Yeah. Yeah. Not bad.
Where do you thlnk It comes from?
Where does your attraction
to the male parsnlp come from?
I don't know. Don't particularly thlnk
about It. No polnt worrying, ls there?
Beautiful and brainless.
And a natural blond.
Do you “he mme'!?
Oh, yes. Half the tlme, beforehand...
Yes, I do.
Turn around.
What, and present you with
a nlce, clean palr of buttocks
for your perusal and delectatlon?
Not on your nelly.
Frank, turn around.
Look at yourself.
You're a lovely man, Frank.
You're funny and you've got presence,
but you've got to calm down
a bit about everything.
It's dlrty.
I love you.
I love you.
You'd have to make yourself scarce
In the mornlng.
Of course. Discreet.
- I've got a doctor comlng.
- Why, what's up?
I've got a doctor comlng to talk.
I thlnk I need It.
I asked hlm to come. It's my nerves.
I can't work.
(INAUDIBLE)
Now, stop It, Dennls. Stop It.
I'm all rlght. Sorry, I didn't know
there was a ménage.
- Fuck offl
-('an I have my jacket?
Fuck off or I'll fill
your fucklng face lnl
- I won't have violence. Don't you darel
- I'm not dolng anything to you.
I bought you a fucklng Monopoly setl
Get out of my flat, you poof.
- Frank.
- You know perfectly well
you wouldn't be here
If I wasn't who I am.
- Fuck offl Fuck offl
- Frankl
(DOOR BANGS SHUT)
-what you been up to, Dennis?
- Blt of drlvlng.
- Do you want one?
- Who for?
- Frankle Howerd.
- No wonder you're back here.
He's fucked, ain't he?
- Ta-ra.
- Ta-ra.
DENNIS' MUM: What the bloody hell
are you moplng around for?
You've been In my way all mornlng.
- Mum?
- Is she mucklng you around?
- Mum.
- You're too soft, Dennls.
Always have been.
You fall for people
and you go all doe-eyed.
You want to get out there
and make some hay whlle the sun shlnes.
You don't wan! to be “u! down
at your age.
Yeah, well, you'd know, wouldn't you?
Don't speak to me “he that, Denms.
Pm tnflng to dust.
- Do you want a hand?
- I can manage on me own. Thanks.
(DENNIS SOBBING)
What klnd of a man are you?
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
HOWERD: I don't feel much
like It tonight
And I'm usually so vivacious.
I mean, people say that Francls,
you know, he's so vlvaclous.
I feeL.. FeeL..
(GRUNTS) IfeeL.
I feel Ump.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know, I should be In bed.
1 should b: In bed.
“Willie?
Get back. Get back.
- She wants you to come back.
-well. she can come herself, can't she?
- She's rlght down.
- I know how she feels.
She's...
He's got hlmself Into trouble, Dennls.
Scruffy's done a runner
with about 80 grand of hls money.
Really?
DENNIS' MUM: What's she dolng
sendlng a frlend?
She that hlgh and bloody mighty?
Don't shut that door.
Jane, I don't want to be
hldden away all the tlme.
I was qulte comfy with It
before he came along.
And then I met hlm and he makes It
uncomfortable. And not just 'cause
we have to hlde It for work.
You're yourselves at home, aren't you?
Yeah, but It's just backgammon
and tldylng up.
We get a lot of glamour out of hlm,
you and me.
Yeah. But I'm not bothered
about the glamour.
I thought I was, but I'm not really.
The glamour's not the thlng
I'm In It for.
Ll sten.
He sald to say that he loves you.
- Are you taklng the plss out of me?
- He sald that he loves you, Dennls.
Well...
- He never told me that.
-well. that's what he asked me to say,
that he loves you very much
and he needs you.
He needs you, Dennls.
Really?
I'm not going to stay locked
In that spare room forever.
Not If you really need me.
Do you need me?
- I sald I did.
- Yeah.
Well, I know we'll have to be dlscreet.
I understand that.
But I can look after you If you want.
Is that what you want?
- Yes.
- Yes.
I can clean your clothes
because sometimes, I'm sorry,
but you look a disgrace.
You know,
I can sort out your household stuff.
And we can do a bit of work
getting your jobs comlng In.
Get you back where you should be. Right?
I missed you.
And I missed you.
Come In, come In, come In.
Now dear, this ls Dennls.
He's my new manager.
- Oh, didn't you used to drlve hlm?
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, you'll have to glve me
some suggestions or two.
I couldn't ever manage hlm.
No, he's no trouble, Mrs Howard.
He's a joy, really.
Yes, he ls. we're proud of hlm.
Aren't we proud of you, Frank?
I made you yourjelly. love.
- Is work all rlght?
- A load of bloody rubblsh.
I don't llke this house, Mum.
Why don't you sell It
and I can buy you a new one?
I'm settled here.
It's been a happy house.
(WHISPERING) You look Uke
the Cheshire Cat. Be dlscreet.
I used to brlng you It home
from the factory, didn't I, love?
Blt of chocolate.
I always trled and gave them
a IJttle treat everyday.
Even If It was just half an hour
of playing or whatever.
It's Important for klds.
That the three of you?
That's the two of us with Frank Senlor.
- Do you want a bit more jelly, love?
- Yes. I'll get It.
Thank you.
- Have you been In show buslness long?
- Oh, no. Not long. Not really.
What was your “n: before'!?
I was a walter and then before that
I dellvered bread for the Co-op.
Oh, lovely.
She's Mutt. She's Mutt.
Mutt. She's Mutt and jeff, yes.
Means deaf. It's there If you dig deep.
I shan't book hlm agaln, Mr Heymer.
I'm afrald hls entrance ls
much too vulgar for Scarborough.
I told hlm. What he wants to do ls
smarten himself up a bit.
Come on and say, "How are you?
Are all your oars parked nicely?
"Are all your oars parked nicely?"
- Told hlm he could have that one.
- What did he say?
He sald, 'Thanks for puttlng hlm rlght."
I'm really chaslng Tommy Steele.
I told hlm, "You're on your way out,
aren't you?"
You've been around
a bit too long, Frankie.
Well, that may be your oplnlon.
It may be true. But If you say anythlng
llke that to hlm agaln,
I'll klck your fucklng bullocks off.
FRANKIE: He rolls over and says to her,
"Do you want to go to sleep now
or what?"
She says, "What?"
We've got an hour of this,
so try and reconcile yourselves with It.
Got any klppers?
That's rather a lot, Isn't It?
A thousand.
Oh, what ls It usually,
when you don't bother tel.l.lng me?
Do you want me to tell you
the truth about that?
- Why do you open my post?
-'Cause I answer your fan malL
You asked me to.
I'm not going to get angry with you
'cause you need to do
what you need to do at the moment.
But If you wanna get the jobs,
you've gotta pack this sort of thlng In.
Thls bloke won't go to the law,
but someone else mlght.
- Sorry, Dennls. I'll be more earefuL
- That'd be a start, yes.
I won't ever do It.
That was the last tlme.
Don't make promlses you can't keep.
I want to keep It, Dennls.
I don't want to send you away.
Oh, you won't.
I've been readlng about
this new klnd of thlng.
I thlnk It mlght make me better.
Your Vallum's In your ease.
Have you got the photos?
What's all this?
DOCTOR: The flrst course
will be sodlum amytaL
I'll then glve you 80 gamma of LSD
to start with.
It will take about 20 mlnutes
and you'll feel a Uttle warmer
-and there'll be some flashing llghts.
- What, you lay those on, do you?
No, In your mind's eye.
And you'll experience euphorla.
I bloody hope so.
I'll then glve you some Rltalln
to concentrate your thoughts.
You should use the photographs
and the props.
And wrlte It down or draw.
Mr Howerd will be needlng some tlme
on hls own.
- I'll come and get you Monday.
- Yeah. Don't be late.
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
DOCTOR: It makes you feel sordld
In some way?
Dlrty.
HOWERD: (ECHOING) It's a sad story.
Get your 'ahs' out.
(SOBBING)
Llsten, llstenl
No, don't laugh.
It will make It more effective.
He's mocking your Francls.
(SOBBING)
How did It go?
What's the matter?
Oh, no, please. Don't cuddle me
out on the street, Dennls.
I'm trylng to get you
a couple of weeks In Butlln's, Flley.
No, no, no, don't.
I haven't got a llbldo, I'm worn out.
Do you know how long It's been
slnce you touched my dlck?
No. I don't keep those facts
at my flnger tlps.
It's my birthday.
When was that?
Is he all rlght?
He's flne. just having a bit of rest.
Oh, he wanted me to glve you
the house keeplng.
Is he all rlght?
He's nervy.
What good does It do you going
over and over everything?
I mean, you thlnk too much anyway.
- How can I stop myself thlnklng?
- Oh, I don't know.
I've got nothlng else to do
every bloody day than thlnk.
It breaks my heart,
you should see yourself.
When you come back...
I feel as If you're cheatlng on me.
I cheat when I go down
under Waterloo bridge.
I cheat when I get a dresser
to suck me off. Not then.
But why do you need to talk?
It makes you worse.
Because I hate the way I am.
It's dlrty and It's dlsgustlng.
I don't want people knowing.
And what we do together
makes me want to vomlt.
I've fucklng had It.
How was she, your mother?
- She was all rlght, thanks.
- I don't thlnk my mother's very well.
I'm trylng to get you work, Frank.
'Cause you've gotta work.
I don't want It.
Why don't you just try to
get out the flat, then?
Play tennls or something.
- Tennls, Dennls?
- Yes, you llke tennls. It cheers you up.
"I have of late,
but wherefore I know not,
"lost all my mlrth,
forgone all custom of exercises;
"and Indeed, It goes so heavily
with my dlsposltlon
"that this goodly frame, the earth,
seems to me a sterlle promontory."
(PARTS)
Oh, It's better out.
DENNIS: I won't have to put up
with any bloody psychiatrists.
What a bloody rellef.
MAN: I'll come and get you In the car.
Okay, all rlght. But I'll have
to go round hls house flrst
and plck up a few things, you know.
Tell hlm I'm going.
Oily?
Bye-We-
- Is that you?
- Of course It's me.
I'm not stopplng 'cause you know
we've not been gettlng along...
My mum's had a stroke, Den.
She's gonna the.
I don't know what I'll do.
Do you want your Vallum?
(HOWERD SNIFFLING)
There you go.
What bothers me sometlmes,
we didn't meet when things were destlned
to be better, you know.
- You and me.
- Doesn't bother me.
Maybe for your sake.
It was a bit more fun when you were blg,
but that's not what I fell In love with.
I wasn't any happier. You know
You worry about loslng It
when you've got It
and you worry about gettlng It back
when It's gone.
Llsten.
Frank, I know this Isn't a good time...
I want you to know...
It's not the work, Dennls.
It's the people that count.
I've been thlnklng.
I've been thlnklng practically.
It's no use me just working, you know,
two or three months a year
and we can't rely on a Walter's wage.
Why don't we sell up and buy a pub?
You could run a pub, couldn't you?
- You're not serious?
- No, I am.
All rlght?
-(WEAKLY) What time ls It?
- It's half one.
He was always a good sleeper.
DEIIMS.
You must promise me
that you'll look after hlm.
He needs looklng after, Dennls.
I need to know that he's belng seen to.
But what about me?
He loves you back, doesn't he?
I don't know
how you've got yourselves set up.
But there has to be one of you
who makes things peacefuL
just put It on the teapot, will you?
It doesn't make It any better
puttlng It on the teapot.
It does. It steams It.
It keeps Its contours.
Bette Davis told me.
Yeah, well, I thlnk she was taklng
the plss out of you.
Llsten, I'm gonna stay
at my mother's tonlght.
N1 fight'! You gonna be
a“ fight on your own'! Hmm'!?
I sald, I'm gonna stay at my mum's.
You gonna be all rlght on your own?
Frank?
Where are you really going?
To my mum's.
You want to know the reason why
I felt the need to see a psychiatrist?
It's because you don't want to be queer.
That's become very plaln.
It's because In that bedroom
where she dled
my father used to get hold of me.
He'd lock the door,
he'd hold my neck tlght
with hls great splky flngers
and he'd push my head down
and make me suck hls dlck.
Let me get this out of the way
'cause I'm not gonna tell you agaln.
He'd elther come In angry.
And strlp me off and beat me or scald me
or he'd come In drunk and do that.
I don't thlnk Mum knew. Not untll later.
And eventually It stopped.
He did something slmllar
to a kld across the road.
She threw hlm out.
Then he Med.
Frank.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
No, no. No tlme llke the present.
Nothlng much.
Really?
Okay, thank you. Goodbye.
What?
They want me to do
the Evening Standard Awards agaln.
That's nlce.
I'lljust do this one last thlng
and then get out of It.
Frank, I don't know what to say about...
I sald I wouldn't talk about It agaln.
You know now.
Well, are you sure you wanna get out?
Get that pub.
I've never been more sure
about anything.
Not variety, not satlre.
Not made for this.
I'm not gonna mlss It.
MAN: And now to say a few words,
Frankle Howard.
(ALL CLAPPING)
I love you, Dennls.
(INAUDIBLE)
(ALL CLAPPING)
I'd just llke to say.
Thank you so much for everything
over the years and...
Good nlght.
- I llke you In this coat, Frank.
- Yes. was I all rlght tonight?
Yeah, you were lovely.
Your nerves seemed to have cleared up.
VI s-a-vl s that,
I seem to remember I was
perfectly all rlght before I met you.
- I thlnk you put the curse on me.
- Yes, It was me, wasn't It?
I thlnk you brought my plles on as well.
Mr Howard.
- Yes. Oh.
- I'm Peter Cook.
Yes, I know.
Congratulations, I saw your show.
Very good, very funny,
so we were just off.
Could I possibly call you next week?
I'm just... I'm openlng a cabaret club.
was wondering If you'd do a resldency.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So anyway, I'm there
and this young man comes up to me
and he says, you know,
"Hello, I'm Cook."
And I sald, "well, yes,
It was a lovely meaL"
I was there, I'll tell you...
No, no, 'cause I was there with...
He's a lovely fellow.
He needs to be a bit softer.
I suppose It's over-the-garden-fence
school of comedy.
Very anti-joke. Very modern, really.
It's a bit harsh on hlm, I think.
I know what I'm dolng.
And now the week at Westminster,
and our lobby correspondent
ls Mr Frankie Howard.
DENNIS: No, no, he can't do next week
'cause he's fllmlng.
Yeah, three weeks tomorrow
ls the next tlme.
(BUZZING)
Okay. ('an I call you back?
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
No. I don't know when
he's gonna be avallable. I'm sorry.
- You want to do the Royal Variety?
- Of course. I llke this bit.
Should we leave off
that pub for a while?
Yeah, a“ fight.
HOWERD ON TV: Ye; nevur mind.
I'll drop a few [might
I better watch how I go, Frank.
Fellas seeing me with you and I'm in
danger of getting left on the shelf.
Oh, you could have brushed your halr,
Frank. It's a publlclty shoot.
Someone else will do It.
I mean, you don't want
to get left out, janey.
You don't wanna “V:
your whom “is a fag hag.
I don't know, Frank.
I've always found It very agreeable.
I could take a plll.
If there was a plll that would cure me
of the way I am,
I'd do It tomorrow, I'd take It.
Yes, and I'd glve It to you,
you miserable glt.
Drlve.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
HOWERD: I mean, she's been pregnant,
you know, over and over.
Over and over because of her ears.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I mean, she's got an appliance.
You know, she pops It In.
In her ear. Oh, you're dlsgracefuL
I tell you, she pops It out again,
when sh: goes to bed.
And her husband, I mean, he luxurlates.
He luxurlates,
he luxurlates at her sldel
He rolls over and he says to her,
"Do you want to go to sleep now
or what?"
And she says, "What?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Up the students,
up all students everywherel
well, thank you. Yes.
DENNIS: Thank you.
(PEOPLE CHATFERING)
You've got an Interview tomorrow
for Channel 4 on The Ward.
And they want four Roman centurlons
to carry you on.
A bit gay, Isn't It? was I any good?
Yes, you were very good,
Frank, on stage at least.
So, still gonna glve It all up, are you?
Why not? we can still get that pub.
I thlnk they'll have sold It by now,
don't you, Frank?
And anyway, I knew you
when you weren't worklng
and you were even more bloody
insufferable than you usually are.
And I can't retlre, can I?
Looklng after you
ls a bleeding full tlmejob.
Rather you than me.
- Sorry about earller with...
- Never mlnd, I'm used to It.
Now get In the back of the ear,
you blg, old poof.
Mocking, you're mocking Franclsl
No. I'll come In the front.
I can't hear you when I'm In the back.
Now, now. Llsten, llsten.
We'll get on with It, the comedy actlng.
I'll get on with the comedy stuff,
If that's all rlght.
Okay. Go.
Oh, no. Oh, no, mlssus. Oh, no.
You shut your face, you.
Oh, no, no, not on your nelly.
Tltter ye not. Tltter ye not.
Nay, nay and thrlce nay.
And nay agaln. Nay.
I'll do an encore, you know. I don't
usually do an encore tlll the end.
Well, If I get to the end.
I suppose you'll go Into polltlcs. Yes.
You're true blue.
Oh, I don't llke labour people.
No, no, no.
1 mean, they're a“ par-faced.
They seem to have this terrlble problem
with thelr halr.
No. Not “he you.
we're very honoured to have you here.
I'll Introduce you and then
you can expect
a warm hand on your entrance.
Yes, you've done your homework, you.
- Are you...
- Oh, It's my back, Sheridan.
I'm a martyr.
Would you...
would you...
Be a paL
well, I won't get your tltters out.
Well, I can't do anythlng
about that now, can I?
Sheridan,
the Presldent of the Oxford Unlon.
Thls ls Mr Heymer,
my manager and my chauffeur.
- I can see to hlm now, thank you.
- SHERIDAN: Excellent.
- Gettlng too old for this.
- Too old for what?
Ready to glve It up.
On with the motley.
Glve us a klss, then.
- I'm not glvlng you a klss.
- Oh, go on.
DEIIMS.
You won't forget to hackle me, will you?
No. I bloody won't.
(SCREAMING AND CHEERING)
I'm not, well, you know,
well, you don't know,
but you'll belleve when I tell you.
I'm not what you'd call
a clever clogs, you know.
O levels or A levels.
Don't know nothlng llke that.
No, no, no.
With belng students,
I'm not what you'd call an academic.
By no way could you call me
an lntellectuaL
Hear, hear.
Which ls why I feel
so at home here tonlght.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You shut your face, you. He's mocklngl
He's mocking Francls.
He's mocking your Francls.
I was going to tell you this story
about a gamekeeper, rlght?
Thls gamekeeper,
he used to go around the woods,
all the time, you know,
with his gun looking for game,
In the woods to shoot.
And he comes across this copplce.
A copplce. A copplce In the woods.
Yes, please, mlssus, please.
You know, pay attention.
And, oh, there's W: girl,
a beautiful girl, yes.
In this copplce and she's beautlfuL
Yes.
A copplcel A copplce In the woods.
Yes. Please, mlssus.
Please pay attention.
- Were you nervous?
- Me? Nervous?
I mean, standlng up
In front of the Queen.
I've never had a moment's trouble
with nerves In my llfe.
He's all rlght, Roger.
Blg, funny-looking fellow over there.
I used to love hlm on Varlnyflandbmr.
ROGER: Stars, they ls all the same.
Last Christmas, he offered me
10 bob to wank hlm off.
- Only 10 bob?
- Yeah, stlngy bastard.
You know, he's the hlghest pald
entertalner In the country.
Even Gilbert Hardlng glve me a flver.
HOWERD: And I'm slck of belng a comlc,
you know.
In any case, I want to be an actor.
Yes, In the copplce,
oh, she's beautlfuL
And do you know, he...
You know, she looked at hlm. Yes.
He, you know, looks at her.
And he sald, "Excuse me. Are you game?"
And she sald, "Yes." So he shot her.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm just going to go and powder my nose.
I llke your glrlfrlend. Very nlce.
Jane's my companion.
She's not my glrlfrlend.
The klnd of glrls I usually go for...
I prefer glrls with shorter halr and
rather flatter chests, you understand?
And the klnd who don't expect too much
In return.
Were you breast-fed?
No, I'm serlous. were you breast-fed,
I mean, by your mother?
- I don't suppose I was, no.
- I was. Everyday.
I couldn't get enough of It. They used
to have to pull me off llke a llmpet.
Don't you ever feel the urge
to return to the womb?
I don't thlnk my mum'd let me.
She doesn't much llke me
llvlng In the back bedroom.
(GROANS)
- What? What?
- It's my back. Terrlble trouble with It.
Where's the boss? Come on. Where Is he?
Come here, youl
- Rather you than me.
- Get up them stalrs. Go on.
You manlac. Get out of this clubl
Come on.
Oh, no. Oh, no, mlssus, no, no.
Tltter ye not. Tltter ye not.
Nay, nay and thrlce nay.
And nay agaln. Nay.
Bugger It.
We're comlng out.
we're comlng out In a torrent now.
HOWERD: Well, you can't U: there
all night, can you?
DENNXS: Whatever you like.
HOWERD: You're very good-looking,
aren't you?
I haven't got as mud! money
as you think.
DENNIS: Didn't ask fur money, did I?
HOWERD: No. Notyrt
Nlce to meet you, Dennls.
I can stay.
HOWERD: hmen I was a UM: boy,
In Eltham, I was very flmld. Yes.
Very shy boy, ye!-
And I put that down to breastfeeding.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh, don't please. Llsten. Llsten.
After I was born, my mother,
she went back to her job
at the chocolate factory.
You know, she left my father,
who was unemployed,
to look after me at home.
You know, he used to breastfeed me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
No, don't, please.
You're not taklng this seriously.
He used to, you know,
warm the bottle up.
He used to stlck It up hls vest.
He'd make a IJttle hole,
a IJttle hole here.
He'd stlck the teat through the hole.
Well, 'cause people used to make
thelr own entertainment In those days.
Well, mce again,
let's say welcome In What's My Llne?
and start off In m: usual way
by lnfioduclng the...
I don't need you to help me.
Top of the table, we have David Nixon.
I wlsh you wouldn't do that
In front of the televlslon set.
I llke Frankle Howard, Mum.
For those of you
that don't know the rules...
DENNIS' MUM:
I don't llke Frankle Howard.
I prefer Eamonn Andrews.
Even If he ls a bloody mlck.
Ferdinand Rosenfllal, how are you?
Bloody hell, Dennlsl
I can smell that from here.
Don't he smell llke a tart, Bob?
All right, okay,
we'll start with Frankie Howard.
And we'll tell you
that Mr Rasenthal is waiting.
Frankie?
What the bleeding hell's hls problem?
WOMAN ON TV: Ls It then me of the main
services thatga In people's houses?
HOST: No. Let's go back to Frankie.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
(SIGHING)
- Who ls It?
- It's Dennis.
- Dennls who?
Jenn/s Heymer.
we were at Chequers together.
Do you remember?
And the man with the gun came?
- Oh, yes.
Jsawwhafs My Llne?
I just thought... I thought
I'd call to see If you're okay.
Umm, were you nervous?
Of course I was fucklng nervous.
I'm useless If I haven't got a script
- I'm sorry.
- I'm': always been nervy.
I had an audltlon for RADA once.
And my poor mother packed me
a bag of cheese and onlon sandwiches.
I was trembllng so much durlng
"To be or not to be"
I lobbed them
rlght In Dame Helen Hayes' tlts.
Are you going to be okay?
Oh, It's a bloody disaster.
(WOMAN CHUCKLING)
There we go.
Cheers, mate.
- ALL: Cheers.
- Thanks for comlng.
- You a“ fight'!
- Mmm-hmm.
Yes. It's just that I've lnvlted
someone, but they haven't...
MAN: Fuck me.
Oh, nol I mean my agent.
He's very nlce. Yes.
Very nlce,
but he's always a scruffy man.
I mean, they call hlm Scruffy.
I mean... Don't they, jane?
Scruffy Dale.
Yes, he's on the Uxbrldge Road,
If you want to check, above a pub.
Yes. And he slts there In hls pyjamas
most days, you know.
Fag ash down hls you knows...
The thlng ls, I'm not Important to hlm.
Oh, no, he's got all these other
artlstes, you see. Oh, no, please.
Please don't laugh.
I mean, the thlng ls,
he's got Rusty and hls plgeon frlends.
Which are very, very popular
In Brldllngton.
And he's got, oh,
he's got hflndy blowing hls balloons.
Yeah. You should see
where he puts those balloons.
It'll make your eyes water.
I used to love you on Varlnyflandbmr.
Oh, yes.
It was a very popular programme.
(HOWERD EXHALES DEEPLY)
What's up?
Well, It's emotlonaL Isn't It?
The cork comlng out of the bottle.
I get a bit anxlous sometimes.
I thlnk It's comlng back.
Used to have a terrlble stammer
when I was a boy.
You grow out of a stammer.
Guess you'll be wanting to pop off.
No. I can stay.
- Mornlng.
-just make yourself at home, young man.
- Do you want some eggs?
- Yes, wife.
- You have any family?
- Yeah, my mother and slster.
I love them both very dearly. No, I do.
Always been very good to me.
Made me feel very speclaL
- Your dad still on the go?
- No, he's dead.
Extremely.
- Klds, I'd like.
- What about jane?
No. Could never physically
go about maklng one.
I'm not sure I'd llke to lnfllct myself
on a chlld elther.
I thought for ages
that my mother was dead.
She ran off with a bloke
when I was evacuated.
And I thlnk that's what
she wanted them to say,
you know, she was dead.
- What was It llke when she came back?
- It was a surprlse, wasn't It?
(CHUCKLING) Yesl
I'd love to meet your mother.
She sounds very nlce.
- She look after you?
- Oh, no. I look after her.
Well, I think you need someone
to look after you.
That's just the problem
with belng well known.
You know, people say
they want to look after you,
but they're only after hanglng on
or a job.
Can't Scruffy get you better than that?
He's not seemg to you fight.
You'd thlnk 10 per cent
of what you earn...
I don't want to turn things down, do I?
I don't want a reputation.
- You'll never have a reputation, Frank.
- How did It go, Mr Howerd?
Another bloody disaster.
I was shlttlng myself with nerves.
Frankl Slt up In the front
If you want, Frank love.
Janey and me will be In the back.
- The star doesn't slt In the front, Mum.
- I'll go In the front.
I've always wanted to go to the BBC
It's nlce, lnnlt?
- Just take us to the Savoy, will you?
- Oh, yes. Certainly.
You can't keep staying, though.
Amlred?
Dennls, we've got to be dlscreet.
I'm trylng to get things back on track.
If anyone knew I was queer,
they'd do for me.
Where are we heading today, then?
Where am I taklng you?
It was a sad story.
A sad story. Yes, get your 'ahs' out.
Your 'ahs', dear, yes. He's got
all these terrlble tragedies, yes.
Tragedyl Turmoll after turmolll
If It's a glrL
you're crylng your eyes out.
I shouldn't be dolng comedy,
you know, I should be dolng drama.
But I did do drama, yes.
You should have seen my Bottom.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...I will for thy sweet sake.
No, no. I can't. I can't.
In that ease, get out of the productlonl
Get out of the production.
You've no rlght threatening
the UveUhoods of the others
because of your Incompetence.
Get out If you're going to soll yourself
every week nlght
and twice on Thursdays.
MAN: ...to perlsh on thy sword.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
HOWERD: My Bottom attracted some
warm appreciation, yes.
Well, they tlttered
at Francls' Bottom, yes.
Do you find my genitals attractive,
Dennis?
Well, don't subject them
to parliamentary scrutlny.
Yeah. Yeah. Not bad.
Where do you thlnk It comes from?
Where does your attraction
to the male parsnlp come from?
I don't know. Don't particularly thlnk
about It. No polnt worrying, ls there?
Beautiful and brainless.
And a natural blond.
Do you “he mme'!?
Oh, yes. Half the tlme, beforehand...
Yes, I do.
Turn around.
What, and present you with
a nlce, clean palr of buttocks
for your perusal and delectatlon?
Not on your nelly.
Frank, turn around.
Look at yourself.
You're a lovely man, Frank.
You're funny and you've got presence,
but you've got to calm down
a bit about everything.
It's dlrty.
I love you.
I love you.
You'd have to make yourself scarce
In the mornlng.
Of course. Discreet.
- I've got a doctor comlng.
- Why, what's up?
I've got a doctor comlng to talk.
I thlnk I need It.
I asked hlm to come. It's my nerves.
I can't work.
(INAUDIBLE)
Now, stop It, Dennls. Stop It.
I'm all rlght. Sorry, I didn't know
there was a ménage.
- Fuck offl
-('an I have my jacket?
Fuck off or I'll fill
your fucklng face lnl
- I won't have violence. Don't you darel
- I'm not dolng anything to you.
I bought you a fucklng Monopoly setl
Get out of my flat, you poof.
- Frank.
- You know perfectly well
you wouldn't be here
If I wasn't who I am.
- Fuck offl Fuck offl
- Frankl
(DOOR BANGS SHUT)
-what you been up to, Dennis?
- Blt of drlvlng.
- Do you want one?
- Who for?
- Frankle Howerd.
- No wonder you're back here.
He's fucked, ain't he?
- Ta-ra.
- Ta-ra.
DENNIS' MUM: What the bloody hell
are you moplng around for?
You've been In my way all mornlng.
- Mum?
- Is she mucklng you around?
- Mum.
- You're too soft, Dennls.
Always have been.
You fall for people
and you go all doe-eyed.
You want to get out there
and make some hay whlle the sun shlnes.
You don't wan! to be “u! down
at your age.
Yeah, well, you'd know, wouldn't you?
Don't speak to me “he that, Denms.
Pm tnflng to dust.
- Do you want a hand?
- I can manage on me own. Thanks.
(DENNIS SOBBING)
What klnd of a man are you?
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
HOWERD: I don't feel much
like It tonight
And I'm usually so vivacious.
I mean, people say that Francls,
you know, he's so vlvaclous.
I feeL.. FeeL..
(GRUNTS) IfeeL.
I feel Ump.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know, I should be In bed.
1 should b: In bed.
“Willie?
Get back. Get back.
- She wants you to come back.
-well. she can come herself, can't she?
- She's rlght down.
- I know how she feels.
She's...
He's got hlmself Into trouble, Dennls.
Scruffy's done a runner
with about 80 grand of hls money.
Really?
DENNIS' MUM: What's she dolng
sendlng a frlend?
She that hlgh and bloody mighty?
Don't shut that door.
Jane, I don't want to be
hldden away all the tlme.
I was qulte comfy with It
before he came along.
And then I met hlm and he makes It
uncomfortable. And not just 'cause
we have to hlde It for work.
You're yourselves at home, aren't you?
Yeah, but It's just backgammon
and tldylng up.
We get a lot of glamour out of hlm,
you and me.
Yeah. But I'm not bothered
about the glamour.
I thought I was, but I'm not really.
The glamour's not the thlng
I'm In It for.
Ll sten.
He sald to say that he loves you.
- Are you taklng the plss out of me?
- He sald that he loves you, Dennls.
Well...
- He never told me that.
-well. that's what he asked me to say,
that he loves you very much
and he needs you.
He needs you, Dennls.
Really?
I'm not going to stay locked
In that spare room forever.
Not If you really need me.
Do you need me?
- I sald I did.
- Yeah.
Well, I know we'll have to be dlscreet.
I understand that.
But I can look after you If you want.
Is that what you want?
- Yes.
- Yes.
I can clean your clothes
because sometimes, I'm sorry,
but you look a disgrace.
You know,
I can sort out your household stuff.
And we can do a bit of work
getting your jobs comlng In.
Get you back where you should be. Right?
I missed you.
And I missed you.
Come In, come In, come In.
Now dear, this ls Dennls.
He's my new manager.
- Oh, didn't you used to drlve hlm?
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, you'll have to glve me
some suggestions or two.
I couldn't ever manage hlm.
No, he's no trouble, Mrs Howard.
He's a joy, really.
Yes, he ls. we're proud of hlm.
Aren't we proud of you, Frank?
I made you yourjelly. love.
- Is work all rlght?
- A load of bloody rubblsh.
I don't llke this house, Mum.
Why don't you sell It
and I can buy you a new one?
I'm settled here.
It's been a happy house.
(WHISPERING) You look Uke
the Cheshire Cat. Be dlscreet.
I used to brlng you It home
from the factory, didn't I, love?
Blt of chocolate.
I always trled and gave them
a IJttle treat everyday.
Even If It was just half an hour
of playing or whatever.
It's Important for klds.
That the three of you?
That's the two of us with Frank Senlor.
- Do you want a bit more jelly, love?
- Yes. I'll get It.
Thank you.
- Have you been In show buslness long?
- Oh, no. Not long. Not really.
What was your “n: before'!?
I was a walter and then before that
I dellvered bread for the Co-op.
Oh, lovely.
She's Mutt. She's Mutt.
Mutt. She's Mutt and jeff, yes.
Means deaf. It's there If you dig deep.
I shan't book hlm agaln, Mr Heymer.
I'm afrald hls entrance ls
much too vulgar for Scarborough.
I told hlm. What he wants to do ls
smarten himself up a bit.
Come on and say, "How are you?
Are all your oars parked nicely?
"Are all your oars parked nicely?"
- Told hlm he could have that one.
- What did he say?
He sald, 'Thanks for puttlng hlm rlght."
I'm really chaslng Tommy Steele.
I told hlm, "You're on your way out,
aren't you?"
You've been around
a bit too long, Frankie.
Well, that may be your oplnlon.
It may be true. But If you say anythlng
llke that to hlm agaln,
I'll klck your fucklng bullocks off.
FRANKIE: He rolls over and says to her,
"Do you want to go to sleep now
or what?"
She says, "What?"
We've got an hour of this,
so try and reconcile yourselves with It.
Got any klppers?
That's rather a lot, Isn't It?
A thousand.
Oh, what ls It usually,
when you don't bother tel.l.lng me?
Do you want me to tell you
the truth about that?
- Why do you open my post?
-'Cause I answer your fan malL
You asked me to.
I'm not going to get angry with you
'cause you need to do
what you need to do at the moment.
But If you wanna get the jobs,
you've gotta pack this sort of thlng In.
Thls bloke won't go to the law,
but someone else mlght.
- Sorry, Dennls. I'll be more earefuL
- That'd be a start, yes.
I won't ever do It.
That was the last tlme.
Don't make promlses you can't keep.
I want to keep It, Dennls.
I don't want to send you away.
Oh, you won't.
I've been readlng about
this new klnd of thlng.
I thlnk It mlght make me better.
Your Vallum's In your ease.
Have you got the photos?
What's all this?
DOCTOR: The flrst course
will be sodlum amytaL
I'll then glve you 80 gamma of LSD
to start with.
It will take about 20 mlnutes
and you'll feel a Uttle warmer
-and there'll be some flashing llghts.
- What, you lay those on, do you?
No, In your mind's eye.
And you'll experience euphorla.
I bloody hope so.
I'll then glve you some Rltalln
to concentrate your thoughts.
You should use the photographs
and the props.
And wrlte It down or draw.
Mr Howerd will be needlng some tlme
on hls own.
- I'll come and get you Monday.
- Yeah. Don't be late.
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
DOCTOR: It makes you feel sordld
In some way?
Dlrty.
HOWERD: (ECHOING) It's a sad story.
Get your 'ahs' out.
(SOBBING)
Llsten, llstenl
No, don't laugh.
It will make It more effective.
He's mocking your Francls.
(SOBBING)
How did It go?
What's the matter?
Oh, no, please. Don't cuddle me
out on the street, Dennls.
I'm trylng to get you
a couple of weeks In Butlln's, Flley.
No, no, no, don't.
I haven't got a llbldo, I'm worn out.
Do you know how long It's been
slnce you touched my dlck?
No. I don't keep those facts
at my flnger tlps.
It's my birthday.
When was that?
Is he all rlght?
He's flne. just having a bit of rest.
Oh, he wanted me to glve you
the house keeplng.
Is he all rlght?
He's nervy.
What good does It do you going
over and over everything?
I mean, you thlnk too much anyway.
- How can I stop myself thlnklng?
- Oh, I don't know.
I've got nothlng else to do
every bloody day than thlnk.
It breaks my heart,
you should see yourself.
When you come back...
I feel as If you're cheatlng on me.
I cheat when I go down
under Waterloo bridge.
I cheat when I get a dresser
to suck me off. Not then.
But why do you need to talk?
It makes you worse.
Because I hate the way I am.
It's dlrty and It's dlsgustlng.
I don't want people knowing.
And what we do together
makes me want to vomlt.
I've fucklng had It.
How was she, your mother?
- She was all rlght, thanks.
- I don't thlnk my mother's very well.
I'm trylng to get you work, Frank.
'Cause you've gotta work.
I don't want It.
Why don't you just try to
get out the flat, then?
Play tennls or something.
- Tennls, Dennls?
- Yes, you llke tennls. It cheers you up.
"I have of late,
but wherefore I know not,
"lost all my mlrth,
forgone all custom of exercises;
"and Indeed, It goes so heavily
with my dlsposltlon
"that this goodly frame, the earth,
seems to me a sterlle promontory."
(PARTS)
Oh, It's better out.
DENNIS: I won't have to put up
with any bloody psychiatrists.
What a bloody rellef.
MAN: I'll come and get you In the car.
Okay, all rlght. But I'll have
to go round hls house flrst
and plck up a few things, you know.
Tell hlm I'm going.
Oily?
Bye-We-
- Is that you?
- Of course It's me.
I'm not stopplng 'cause you know
we've not been gettlng along...
My mum's had a stroke, Den.
She's gonna the.
I don't know what I'll do.
Do you want your Vallum?
(HOWERD SNIFFLING)
There you go.
What bothers me sometlmes,
we didn't meet when things were destlned
to be better, you know.
- You and me.
- Doesn't bother me.
Maybe for your sake.
It was a bit more fun when you were blg,
but that's not what I fell In love with.
I wasn't any happier. You know
You worry about loslng It
when you've got It
and you worry about gettlng It back
when It's gone.
Llsten.
Frank, I know this Isn't a good time...
I want you to know...
It's not the work, Dennls.
It's the people that count.
I've been thlnklng.
I've been thlnklng practically.
It's no use me just working, you know,
two or three months a year
and we can't rely on a Walter's wage.
Why don't we sell up and buy a pub?
You could run a pub, couldn't you?
- You're not serious?
- No, I am.
All rlght?
-(WEAKLY) What time ls It?
- It's half one.
He was always a good sleeper.
DEIIMS.
You must promise me
that you'll look after hlm.
He needs looklng after, Dennls.
I need to know that he's belng seen to.
But what about me?
He loves you back, doesn't he?
I don't know
how you've got yourselves set up.
But there has to be one of you
who makes things peacefuL
just put It on the teapot, will you?
It doesn't make It any better
puttlng It on the teapot.
It does. It steams It.
It keeps Its contours.
Bette Davis told me.
Yeah, well, I thlnk she was taklng
the plss out of you.
Llsten, I'm gonna stay
at my mother's tonlght.
N1 fight'! You gonna be
a“ fight on your own'! Hmm'!?
I sald, I'm gonna stay at my mum's.
You gonna be all rlght on your own?
Frank?
Where are you really going?
To my mum's.
You want to know the reason why
I felt the need to see a psychiatrist?
It's because you don't want to be queer.
That's become very plaln.
It's because In that bedroom
where she dled
my father used to get hold of me.
He'd lock the door,
he'd hold my neck tlght
with hls great splky flngers
and he'd push my head down
and make me suck hls dlck.
Let me get this out of the way
'cause I'm not gonna tell you agaln.
He'd elther come In angry.
And strlp me off and beat me or scald me
or he'd come In drunk and do that.
I don't thlnk Mum knew. Not untll later.
And eventually It stopped.
He did something slmllar
to a kld across the road.
She threw hlm out.
Then he Med.
Frank.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
No, no. No tlme llke the present.
Nothlng much.
Really?
Okay, thank you. Goodbye.
What?
They want me to do
the Evening Standard Awards agaln.
That's nlce.
I'lljust do this one last thlng
and then get out of It.
Frank, I don't know what to say about...
I sald I wouldn't talk about It agaln.
You know now.
Well, are you sure you wanna get out?
Get that pub.
I've never been more sure
about anything.
Not variety, not satlre.
Not made for this.
I'm not gonna mlss It.
MAN: And now to say a few words,
Frankle Howard.
(ALL CLAPPING)
I love you, Dennls.
(INAUDIBLE)
(ALL CLAPPING)
I'd just llke to say.
Thank you so much for everything
over the years and...
Good nlght.
- I llke you In this coat, Frank.
- Yes. was I all rlght tonight?
Yeah, you were lovely.
Your nerves seemed to have cleared up.
VI s-a-vl s that,
I seem to remember I was
perfectly all rlght before I met you.
- I thlnk you put the curse on me.
- Yes, It was me, wasn't It?
I thlnk you brought my plles on as well.
Mr Howard.
- Yes. Oh.
- I'm Peter Cook.
Yes, I know.
Congratulations, I saw your show.
Very good, very funny,
so we were just off.
Could I possibly call you next week?
I'm just... I'm openlng a cabaret club.
was wondering If you'd do a resldency.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So anyway, I'm there
and this young man comes up to me
and he says, you know,
"Hello, I'm Cook."
And I sald, "well, yes,
It was a lovely meaL"
I was there, I'll tell you...
No, no, 'cause I was there with...
He's a lovely fellow.
He needs to be a bit softer.
I suppose It's over-the-garden-fence
school of comedy.
Very anti-joke. Very modern, really.
It's a bit harsh on hlm, I think.
I know what I'm dolng.
And now the week at Westminster,
and our lobby correspondent
ls Mr Frankie Howard.
DENNIS: No, no, he can't do next week
'cause he's fllmlng.
Yeah, three weeks tomorrow
ls the next tlme.
(BUZZING)
Okay. ('an I call you back?
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
No. I don't know when
he's gonna be avallable. I'm sorry.
- You want to do the Royal Variety?
- Of course. I llke this bit.
Should we leave off
that pub for a while?
Yeah, a“ fight.
HOWERD ON TV: Ye; nevur mind.
I'll drop a few [might
I better watch how I go, Frank.
Fellas seeing me with you and I'm in
danger of getting left on the shelf.
Oh, you could have brushed your halr,
Frank. It's a publlclty shoot.
Someone else will do It.
I mean, you don't want
to get left out, janey.
You don't wanna “V:
your whom “is a fag hag.
I don't know, Frank.
I've always found It very agreeable.
I could take a plll.
If there was a plll that would cure me
of the way I am,
I'd do It tomorrow, I'd take It.
Yes, and I'd glve It to you,
you miserable glt.
Drlve.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
HOWERD: I mean, she's been pregnant,
you know, over and over.
Over and over because of her ears.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I mean, she's got an appliance.
You know, she pops It In.
In her ear. Oh, you're dlsgracefuL
I tell you, she pops It out again,
when sh: goes to bed.
And her husband, I mean, he luxurlates.
He luxurlates,
he luxurlates at her sldel
He rolls over and he says to her,
"Do you want to go to sleep now
or what?"
And she says, "What?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Up the students,
up all students everywherel
well, thank you. Yes.
DENNIS: Thank you.
(PEOPLE CHATFERING)
You've got an Interview tomorrow
for Channel 4 on The Ward.
And they want four Roman centurlons
to carry you on.
A bit gay, Isn't It? was I any good?
Yes, you were very good,
Frank, on stage at least.
So, still gonna glve It all up, are you?
Why not? we can still get that pub.
I thlnk they'll have sold It by now,
don't you, Frank?
And anyway, I knew you
when you weren't worklng
and you were even more bloody
insufferable than you usually are.
And I can't retlre, can I?
Looklng after you
ls a bleeding full tlmejob.
Rather you than me.
- Sorry about earller with...
- Never mlnd, I'm used to It.
Now get In the back of the ear,
you blg, old poof.
Mocking, you're mocking Franclsl
No. I'll come In the front.
I can't hear you when I'm In the back.