Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008) - full transcript

or do you want it without your cake?

I don't drink.

All right, so I came here
to give you my demo. I just...

I worship you,
and I just wanted to give you my demo.

Just take a listen and...

Okay.

'Cause you know what?
You don't wanna be the guy sitting there,

watching BBC, and saying,

(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
"Oh, I saw that guy! He was my waiter,

"and I totally dismissed him
like everyone else does in his life.

"And I totally was wrong,



"because he's a major, major,
major influence on me now,

"and I feel terrible!"

(CLEARS THROAT)

That stupid English voice, was that me?

Unfortunately, yes.

You're really gonna like it.

I'll listen to it when you've gone.

Hey, look, just don't tell anyone at the hotel.

- What's up, dude?
- What's up?

Peter, I got some really interesting news
this morning.

Aldous gave you gonorrhoea?

No. Why would I tell you that?

Crime Scene was cancelled.

Whoa.



Wow.

- You all right?
- Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I've been waiting
to take the next step,

you know, into features for a long time,
so it's a really good thing.

This isn't The View. I mean, we can have
an honest talk about this if we want.

I don't wanna step out of the spotlight
and then be forgotten.

I don't wanna disappear. I'm freaked out.

I wanna be honest.
I'm really freaked out right now, okay?

Because, seemingly, the only actresses
that actually can survive

are the ones that show their cooter,
and, excuse me, but I refuse to do that.

I have a little dignity.

And I don't have the frame
to support plastic surgery. I would tip over.

And I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not gonna exploit myself.

Listen, you're gonna be fine.
You have a long career ahead of you.

You've got, like, four years until you're 30.

It's gonna be fine.

- How are you?
- I'm screwed.

Frankly, I don't stand a chance.
No, I'll be fine.

I've been quietly stealing money
from you for a long time.

You're always good at cheering me up,
Pete, thank you.

(SINGING) Die

Die

Die

I can't

It's really good, Peter.
I just don't understand it. I don't.

I mean, just chalk it up to that.
Please don't play it again, 'cause I don't...

Just listen to it one more time and see...

Where's Aldous?

- Mr Snow, may I ask you a question?
- Okay.

I want to please my wife here,
on our honeymoon,

but I don't know what I'm doing.

You having difficulty sex-wise?

- Do you not know how to use this?
- I know how.

- Have you had sex before?
- We can't.

- Why?
- Our religion.

Right, 'cause of God and everything?

Hey, that's not gonna be a problem,

because God should be present
in the bedroom.

Just tell me specifically what I need to do.

You need to penetrate deeply
and stimulate the clitoris simultaneously.

That's what you gotta do.
That's what it's about.

If you can involve the anus in that,
then that's absolute perfection.

Got it.

Explore her ears.

Find it in you to be a little more circly.

You are a man.

God's within you.

I actually feel okay about it.

You know, I'm a little scared,
but I'll be all right. I'll get another job.

That's interesting, man.
You know what else is interesting?

- What?
- Me on the moon.

I just wanna talk to you about something.
Can you stop?

- All right, I'm just gonna talk, and then...
- Air!

There was this interesting moment
with Sarah.

Whoa, what? I don't wanna hear about
your interesting moment with Sarah, Pete.

Then who am I supposed to talk to
about this?

Well, not me, because have I ever had
an interesting moment with an ex-girlfriend?

- Do you have an ex-girlfriend? No!
- No.

LIZ: No.

I would really love to get
the woman's perspective on the matter.

- Really?
- No.

But come on in and just sit down.

- Stay. You have to...
- Honey, no, no, the camera's right there.

No, I know,
but I just wanna tell him, though.

- No, the camera...
- Think about how much she's hurt you.

- Hey, Liz?
- Yeah?

I think you need to move just a tiny bit
further away from the microphone.

- Just...
- No, closer.

- Now a little further.
- Okay.

- Closer.
- And then...

- And then a little further, and then closer.
- I don't know.

- Keep your head down, though.
- I'm bad at this thing.

- Can you hear me?
- Yeah, closer. Further away.

I know what you're doing.
That's not funny at all.

- You stop that.
- What?

- What's he doing?
- Come on. Yeah, yeah, real funny.

Hey, that's a great necklace, Liz.

- Did you have that a second ago?
- Thank you!

That's gross!

- LIZ: I don't get it.
- Stop it.

- He's saying if I were to sperm on you...
- What?

... it would be a pearl necklace.
- Why?

- Real funny.
- Sorry.

Hey, Dracula!

"And when I see Van Helsing,
I swear to the Lord, I'll slay him. "

(GROWLS)

That shit is funny, dude!

Hey, Pete.

So I was gonna go over
to Lazy Joe's later tonight,

and I wanted to see
if you wanted to come and join.

I think I'm confused,
because I thought last night...

Oh, my God. Dude, get out of your head.
It's really nice out here.

Yeah, I bet it is.

All right, yeah. You know what?

I could totally use a friendly hangout, so...

All right.

I don't know if you want,
instead of Lazy Joe's,

I was thinking of going
to Laie Point right now.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I heard that place was a pain in the ass.

RACHEL: Okay.

- Hey!
- DWAYNE: Yo, what's up, guys?

PETER: We're just going for a hike.

No, you're not, you're going snorkelling.

PETER: I think we're gonna go on a hike.

It is sea turtle fucking season, dude.
Let's go.

They fuck for three hours, dude.
I mean, that's magical.

- No, we're going on a hike.
- I think we'll go on a hike, yeah.

What? Your loss.

Why won't anybody
go snorkelling with me?

How you doing back there?

Awesome.

I don't think I've ever been
this covered in sweat before.

It's like I have some sort of fever.

I told you this was a pain in the ass.
Could've been at Lazy Joe's.

- Oh, yeah.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, shit.

- You good?
- No.

(LAUGHING)

PETER: Wow, we're really going
up to the edge of this, huh?

Look!

Wow, this is really beautiful.

All right, so now that your show's done,
are you gonna finish the Dracula musical?

It's not that easy, you know.

Sarah always thought it was crazy, and...

Well, you're definitely crazy.
But so is everyone, right? So who cares?

- I just don't feel like doing anything.
- Why?

'Cause my heart is broken,

and I can't imagine
doing anything right now.

It's probably the same reason
you don't go back to school, you know?

Maybe it's good we got hurt like that,
you know?

I don't know about you,
but it makes me feel impervious to pain.

Yeah. Kind of like
there's nothing left to be afraid of.

- Yeah. No, exactly.
- Right.

We could leap off this rock,
and it won't hurt us as bad as they did.

So jump, then.

No, I meant that,
like, as a metaphor, you know?

No. Just do it.

You'll be fine. Jump.

What the hell?

Oh, God! Oh, God. I made her kill herself!

(EXCLAIMING)

You must be crazy!

- So are you gonna jump or what?
- No!

Come on, Peter!
I can see your vagina from here!

I can see your hoo-ha.

I mean, I'll jump!

Chicken! Come on!

(GROANING)

Please, God, don't let me die today.

- I'm okay!
- Okay!

- I'll just let go, right?
- No, no, no!

If you fall straight down,
you'd probably hit a rock and kill yourself!

- Totally.
- Yeah.

So what do I do?

Why don't you press your feet
up against the rock,

and, like, shoot yourself off!

- What, like a frog?
- I don't know, Peter!

Just get off the fucking rock!

- Here I go!
- Okay!

One!

Two!

Two!

- Two and a half!
- Jump!

Three!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- You saw that, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw it!

I was there. I witnessed it.

Thanks.

Come on.

You've got Christ between your thighs,

but with a shorter beard.

- Mahalo.
- Aloha.

- Sex!
- I'm cramping, I'm cramping.

- Okay.
- Okay, okay.

Petey? Petey?

Sorry. I knocked a bunch.

You were really out.
Ken sent me.

Dakota Fanning and her people,
they need this room.

She loves it here.

Oh.

So does that mean I have to leave the hotel?

Ken found you a room.

I'll take it, yeah.
I wanna hang out with Rachel a little more.

Are those sad tissues or happy tissues?

Maybe you should just give me a minute.

It was the only room available!

I'm sure it was!

- Hey, how's it going?
- It's all right.

Really?

I think you got some pain behind
those eyes. A kind of pain that only...

Okay, you know what?
Let's cut the bullshit.

I wanna stand up on a wave before I leave.

I don't think you're ready yet, man.

- I'm ready to ride giants, Koonu.
- I think you're ready.

Petey!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Miss Marshall, what can I do for you?

Is there a place
to get good sushi around here?

Yeah. Yeah, there's a really great place
about five minutes from here called Asuki.

Perfect.

- Do you want me to get you a map?
- Please.

Okay.

So, this is where we are.

Head down Kamehameha,
and then pass Funaho Loko Marsh.

And it should be right to the left.

It might take, like, five minutes.

- Great. Thank you.
- Any time.

Um...

- I saw you with Peter Bretter...
- Yeah.

...who's my ex-boyfriend.

Oh, my God. I'm really sorry.

- No.
- It's not like that at all.

- It's not what you're...
- No, it's fine.

I'm just really glad
you're keeping him company, 'cause...

- Gosh, no.
... you seem like a really nice person,

- and you're very pretty.
- Thank you.

Gosh, you're, like, way prettier.

No, you're, like, so pretty.

Really?

- Yeah.
- Wow, thank you. Thank you.

And one more thing about Peter.

He's a really good guy. Really good.
Like, great, actually.

Yeah.

Um...

Please don't cry, Miss Marshall.

God. Do you need me to get you a tissue?

Oh, no, I'm good, I'm good.
I'm okay, I'm okay.

Okay.

- Thank you, Rachel.
- Any time, Miss Marshall.

Hey, ahoy, there!

You surf, too?

Good Lord, no.
I'm just drifting around, you know?

Getting in touch with the ocean and stuff.
It's really pleasant.

It was, yeah.

I'm gonna head in.

Before you go, actually, Peter,
I just wanted to tell you,

I was listening to Sarah's iPod
the other day,

and amidst the interminable dross
that's on that thing,

I found one track that I quite liked.

So I checked what it was,
and it was actually one of yours.

And it kind of reminded me of a dark,
gothic Neil Diamond. It's great.

That's, like, exactly what I'm going for.

Right, yeah.

Fuck.

Fuck, you're cool.

It's so hard to say,
because, like, I hate you in so many ways,

but whatever.
I can see why Sarah likes you.

No accounting for taste, I suppose.
In her case, anyway.

She was with me for five years,
so there you go.

Yeah, you got four on me there, mate.

You slept with Sarah a year ago?

I thought you knew!
Peter, please, don't take it seriously.

- What the fuck, man! You've...
- Don't get offended by that.

You can't be so casual about this!

This isn't Europe, okay?
There are rules here.

I'm really sorry.
I apologise for offending you, Peter.

I just hope this doesn't ruin our friendship.

Well, what's that about?

What do you think it's about?
This is a big deal!

What about a code of the ocean?
That's not on.

What about codes among men?

You don't sleep
with another man's girlfriend!

- Think of...
- Get out of here!

- All right, okay! All right!
- Get out of here!

Oh, God!

PETER: Koonu! This guy needs help! Koonu!

(SCREAMING)

- Should I call the front desk?
- It hurts. It hurts.

Wow, you got coral right there in your leg!

Can you get it out of my leg, please,
hotel man?

Can you do something about that?

I'd love to, you know, but hotel policy...
They don't let me do that kind of thing.

They get all weirded out. Insurance...

Koonu, can you call
the front desk for me, please?

- Yeah.
- It really hurts.

Koonu, call the front desk now!

Okay, monster man.

Pete, he's not gonna do nothing.

I kind of have this thing about blood, okay?

Look at it. It's raping my leg.
Peter, get it out of my fucking leg, please!

One, two.

- You can't get it out.
- It's really in there.

- Get it out of me!
- Three!

Fuck my arse!

Okay, I got it. It's all done. It's all over.

Everything looks fine.

It's all good! They're coming wiki wiki.

Can you get some towels for me, please?
I'm really losing a lot of blood.

You sound like you're from London.

Yeah, I'm from London.

What's going on?

SARAH: You fainted.
I didn't want you to wake up by yourself.

- How's your friend? Is he all right?
- Yeah.

They gave him stitches,
and he's sleeping it off.

- Hey, you wanna hear something funny?
- What?

Are you ready to laugh?
'Cause this is a gas.

Okay.

Edward Scissorhands over there told me
that you two were fucking each other

for a whole God damn year
while we were together.

Shit.

How about that, Sarah?

I'm sorry, Peter.

Pete, you shouldn't be up
and walking around. Can you please...

Please don't touch me.
Just don't touch me, okay?

I'm not touching you.

Will you just please sit? Please?

All right, I'll sit down,
but I'm sitting down 'cause I want to,

not because you've asked me to sit, okay?

Great.

A year?

Listen, I get it, okay? I just...

I need to understand what I did
to make you cheat. I just...

Pete, it's not anything you did.

You didn't do anything.
I mean, you were great.

Will you please cut the bullshit
and have a talk with me?

Fine. Cutting the bullshit.

It got really hard to keep taking care of you
when you stopped taking care of yourself.

I tried to get you out of the house.

I tried to get you off your little island
you loved so much, the couch.

You didn't wanna see the light of day!

God, there was one week
when you wore sweatpants! Every day.

You shall not pass!

You know what? If they were Sean John
sweatpants, it would have been fine.

But because they're Costco brand,
it's like the worst thing I could do.

That has nothing to do with it.
That's what you don't get.

I'm sorry that I didn't end up being
who we thought I was gonna be, you know?

I tried really hard. I promise you that.
I just didn't have it in me.

I think if you had just, maybe tried harder.

I tried!

You have no idea how hard I tried, Peter.

I talked to a therapist.

I talked to my mother.
I read every book possible.

I took love seminars. I took sex seminars.

None of it worked.
None of it made a difference to you.

And I couldn't drown with you any more.

Don't you dare sit there
and tell me that I didn't try.

I did.

You were just too stupid to notice.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Whoa. I thought you were gonna wear
the shirt I got you.

What? No.

I mean, I do love that shirt you got me.

I admire Sir Tommy Bahama an awful lot.

He's a talented man,
but tonight, I feel that this is appropriate.

Wow, thank you. Yeah, Sarah got it for me.

This is, like, way more convenient
than my backpack.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Awesome hat!

Thank you.
Yeah, my girlfriend got it for me!

- I'm fucking with you!
- Cool!

Sarah, can I use this lipstick, please?

Sure. I don't care.

I think it looks great.
But if you're not, let's go change.

No, I like it. I didn't like it at first.
Now I really think it's...

Oh, bloody hell. This is a small resort.

Hi, Peter.

Hey. Wow.

Aldous, Sarah, this is Rachel.

Sarah bought me this shirt.

I could've guessed that. Yeah.

- Looks great.
- You look great.

Looks awesome.

- See.
- Thanks.

Mr Snow, I'm so sorry.
I did not know you guys were coming.

You're gonna have to wait five minutes.

I did not know you guys were coming.

It's okay. It's not a problem.

I didn't see you guys, so...

There's really no need to weep.

I'm not crying.

It's no problem, honestly.
It's not a problem.

- So, your table is ready, guys.
- Oh, great.

Hey, have a lovely evening, you two.

- Thank you. Have a great dinner, you guys.
- Thank you.

You're welcome to join us, obviously,
if you want.

- Okay.
- Wouldn't dream of it. What?

What?

- Oh, okay.
- Okay.

- RACHEL: That's great. Awesome.
- Sure.

Great. I'll just set two more places.

- Okay.
- Not a big deal.

Awesome.

So this is actually happening.
We're gonna let this happen.

I am so sorry.

I never thought in a million years
she would say yes.

I did.

What? I just accepted an invitation.
I didn't wanna be rude.

It's got us in a terrible situation.

Now I'm gonna have to sit with him
wearing this shirt all night.

You're wearing the shirt regardless.

Australia is amazing.

- I'm telling you. It is a great place to shoot.
- Yeah?

Rachel, you would love it.
You would love it.

I wanna go. I really, really wanna go there.

- Wait, so when's the movie coming out?
- Mmm.

It came out.

- It was already released.
- Oh.

(SNICKERING)

Well, you know, it's an island.

It's isolated.

- Yeah.
- Movies don't really come out here.

- Obviously.
- Did you like it?

- The movie?
- Yeah.

- It was...
- Awful bloody film.

I say, it's just a ridiculous premise.

What would happen
if your mobile phone killed you?

Why would a mobile phone kill anyone?
Doesn't make sense.

How can a mobile phone have an agenda
and kill people...

I told her that when she read the script.

Yeah. You were the voice of reason, mate.

I tried to be, but she didn't listen.

Going around killing people.
A mobile phone, like, doing murders.

Why couldn't you just take the battery
out of the phone?

ALDOUS: Right. That's it. The battle's over.

- Yeah, we've won.
- ALDOUS: I hated it.

Well, it's not for everyone, but it...

No, it's ridiculous. Here's my favourite scene.

Ring-ring. Hello?

- ALDOUS: Right. It would never happen.
- Yeah.

No, it could never happen.

It's a metaphor for addiction to technology.

For society,
for how we're reliant on technology.

I get it. I'm with you.

It's a metaphor for a crap movie.

Well, it was the right choice
for me at the time.

- RACHEL: Sure.
- You know?

Well, this is awkward.

Yeah?

- It's a bit more awkward now.
- RACHEL: A little.

Hey, excuse me.
Can we get another bottle of wine, please?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Mr Snow?

Can I get cranberry juice
with a bit of lime in it, please.

Do you want cranberry juice
or cranberry cocktail?

Because I can probably rustle up either one.
Throw some OJ...

I don't care.

Okay, great.

Hey, can we get another bottle of wine?

If I've learned anything from addiction,
it's that,

you know, life is as brief
as the twinkling of a star over all too soon.

So if you're in a situation
where you're with a woman,

why not do the most interesting thing
that you can do in that situation?

And by which, I don't mean
have a conversation,

have a chin-wag, a bit of a chat.

Lose yourself in something
that's both ancient and perennial.

Find something eternal, perpetual.
Lose yourself in fuck.

I'm going to disagree.

Respectfully, of course, sir.

Maybe for you, that works.

For me, it's much more enjoyable
to get to know somebody.

If you end up sleeping with them,
that's great.

But I like getting to know somebody.

But he...

What he's saying is that
he's gonna stick it wherever he wants,

but he's joking.

I ain't. No, I'm not joking.

It's just what I believe, really.

So...

Just so we're clear and so I can hone in
on your central thesis of the night,

wade through all the bullshit,

you're telling me
that you think you have the right

to just fuck anyone, anywhere, anytime?

- Yes. There it is. That's right.
- That's what you're saying?

Not so eloquently
as you just put it, sweetheart.

But ultimately, yes, that is...

Oh, no! Not the shirt!

Take my eyes, but not the shirt. Mmm.

Yeah, that's pretty much
what I believe, Sarah.

When you're done making jokes,
are you gonna get a napkin?

Do you know what? I think I've improved it,
actually, against all odds.

I think I deserve a design award.

Please get some seltzer water.

- Gar?on, could we get some...
- I saw it from farther away.

- Okay.
- Just lean back for a second.

No, it's all right. It's not there. Let me...

You're very diligent. I appreciate it.

Let go of the glass now.
You're gonna have to walk away.

Bless you. There you are.

Oh, me, oh, my.

- Call the doctor.
- Oh, good.

(PETER MOANING)

- I love Hawaii.
- Is it good?

Yeah, it's nice,
but I think for like a week tops.

Any more than that, I know I'd go crazy,

because I think that
Hawaii is a place to escape

for people who can't deal
with the real world.

Yeah, you know, there's so few
personal shoppers and pet therapists.

Gosh, it's such a hard life.

I like living here.

- Anyone need any more vino?
- I think we're good.

I've a question for you real quick, Mr S.

I was actually meaning to ask you,
what did you exactly think of my demo?

Did you get it? Did you get it?

Oh, no. I was gonna listen to that,

but then I just carried on living my life.

Not at all?

No, I didn't, because, you know,
I go on my instincts,

and they weren't good.

(SOFTLY) You know what, dude?
Fuck you, okay? You can go fuck yourself.

I can't yell right now because I'll get fired.

My boss will hear me,

and then I won't be able
to pay off my student loans.

But you know what? You're an asshole.
I fucking hate you.

I bought all your records.

This whole fucking time, I've been trying
to get you to come hang out with me.

I'm gonna have people fuck with your food
the rest of your trip, you fucking dick!

I like him. That was quite moving.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you sure that you're not,
like, too drunk?

Jesus, would you stop being so sensitive.

(GIGGLING)

(RACHEL MOANS)

(RACHEL MOANING)

Aldous.

(BLOWING)

Wake up.

- Aldous. Wake up.
- Hmm...

Make love to me.

All right. You go on top, though,
'cause I'm knackered.

(MOANING)

(MOANING LOUDLY)

Listen.

Yes! Yes!

- Yeah.
- SARAH: Yes!

- Oh, yes!
- Yeah!

- Yeah! Oh, God!
- Yeah!

(RACHEL YELLING)

- Right there!
- Yes!

- Yes!
- Yes! She's having an orgasm!

This is the best sex ever!

Yeah, all right, that'll do.

What?

I made a mistake coming here with you.

(MOANING CONTINUES)

And I'm not done either!

- Please shut up! Okay.
- Okay!

You're still involved with him next door,
ain't you?

Excuse me?

You should've seen yourself
at dinner, Sarah.

Then we come back here,
and you put on that ghastly performance.

I mean, I've heard that
women do fake orgasms,

but I've never seen one.

It really deeply upset me.

You should have seen yourself at dinner.

(IN ENGLISH ACCENT) "Oh, I'm Aldous
Snow. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

"No, no drinks for me, thanks.

"Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. "

That's a really reductive impression.

If I wanted to see you act badly,
I'd just watch your TV show,

which, obviously, I can't now,
because it's been cancelled.

Oh, my God, you're such a prick.

And you know what?

Let me tell you something
about these tattoos, okay?

That is Buddhist. That is Nordic.
That is Hindu. That's just gibberish.

They are completely conflicting ideologies.

And that does not make you
a citizen of the world.

It makes you full of shit.

Was that genuine or did you fake that?

Right. I'm gonna probably clear off now.

I'll have a little sleep for a few hours,

then I'm gonna probably go
in the morning, okay?

I hate your music.

Yeah, well,
I fucked the housekeeper the other day.

(WHISPERING) Are you sleeping?

Not any more.

I know that I'm leaving in a couple of days,
so I don't even know

what the hell this means,

but I really like spending time with you a lot.

I know. Me too.

Hey.

Good morning.

Where are you going?

The Korean Textile Manufacturer's Luau.

- Just kill me.
- Fun.

Joy.

I want you to know
that I meant what I said last night.

I know you did.

I did, too.

- Can I see you again tonight?
- Yeah.

- I get off at 7:00.
- Yay.

Bye.

Sir, morning mai tai.

You know what?

I actually will not be having
an alcoholic beverage this morning.

(CHEERING)

- KIDS: Jump! Jump! Jump!
- Don't make me do it.

(WHISTLING)

Hey. Morning, mate.

- How are you today?
- Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. You okay?

Am I okay? I'm better than okay, my friend.

You seem sprightly.

I...

I had a great time last night.

- Congratulations. Well done. Well done.
- Thank you.

What about you? What's with the bag?

Right, yeah. I'm off back to England, mate.

Oh, you and Sarah are going to England.

No, no, no. I'm just going alone.

- Yeah.
- Did you guys have a fight or something?

Yeah, it was really... How you served
five years under her, I don't know.

You deserve a medal or a holiday
or at least a cuddle from somebody.

You were only here for a week.

Well, I don't know.
For me, that one week of it

was like going on holiday with,
I don't know, I wouldn't say Hitler,

but certainly Goebbels.
It was like a little holiday with Hitler.

Jesus.

Hey, listen, at least it's clear now
for you two to reconnect.

Oh...

No, no. No.

You know what?
I have a good thing going on with Rachel,

and I want to see that through.

Well, maybe you could have both of them.
Rachel and Sarah.

They got on all right, didn't they, at dinner?
So maybe...

You know what?
First of all, I'm not that kind of guy.

And even if I was, I don't think that I have
the sexual competency to really pull that off.

Yeah. It's a gift.

I will say,
if you do get back with Miss Marshall,

handle with care, because, you know...

Okay. Well, I think my ride's here.

So I'm gonna skedaddle then
before anything else happens to me.

Before life gets any more daft.

Is someone gonna take that?

Listen, don't let them grind you down.

Take it easy.

Hey, look at my driver.
I'm gonna have sex with her.

He said it was clear I wasn't over you.

And then he left.

Fucking prick.

And then I started thinking,
what if he's right?

What if I'm not over you?

- Sarah...
- Please just let me finish, Pete.

What if I made
a really, really horrible mistake?

- Sarah.
- Yeah?

- Sarah.
- Yeah?

Stop pulling my face towards your face.

Why?

You don't like it?

Listen, pulling my shirt towards you
is the same concept as pulling my face.

Let's spend one more night here together,
and then let's go home and then...

And we'll just pretend
like it never happened.

...face reality. No.
- That's the big plan?

No. I love you.

That's not fair.
That's not fair of you to say that to me.

Please, Peter.

- Tell me you're sorry.
- I'm so sorry.

I missed you.

I'm sorry.

God, I missed you, Peter.

All right.

Get hard for me, Pete. Get hard for me.

- I know what I'm supposed to do.
- Okay.

Just do it. Come on. Get hard.

- I'm trying.
- Okay.

- Here. Just let me do it for a second.
- Okay.

I really want you, Peter. I missed you.

You don't want help?

- You don't want help? Uh-huh.
- Can you be quiet just for a minute?

Do you want my hands?

Maybe just don't talk for a second
is what I mean.

Do you want my mouth?

- Yeah, maybe your mouth.
- Yeah. Okay.

What's the problem, Peter?

- I don't know...
- More?

You can keep trying if you want.

(SIGHS)

What's wrong with you?

- Nothing is wrong with me, okay?
- Okay.

- No, I didn't...
- Just, something doesn't feel right any more.

Okay. Well, did you... You know what?

Did you drink today?
Because sometimes when you drink...

Excuse me.

No, I haven't had anything to drink today.

Maybe the problem is that
you broke my heart into a million pieces,

and so my cock doesn't want
to be around you any more, okay?

Ever!

Because you know what I just realised?
Huh?

You're the God damn devil. Okay?

Wedding in Hawaii! Real original!

- Hey.
- Hey, Rachel.

- Sarah and Aldous broke up this morning.
- What a surprise.

So I went to check on Sarah, and...

Listen, I'm here
because I don't want to lie to you, okay?

Some stuff happened.

I'm really, really sorry that it did,

but I'm also really glad that it did, because

I'm able to see so clearly now
that Sarah and I are not right for each other.

What stuff?

I went up to make sure that she was okay,
and it got weird.

But now everything is fine.

And I need you to understand

that I meant everything that I said
to you this morning.

What exactly happened, Peter?

We fooled around a little bit.

Shut the fuck up,
and tell me exactly what you did.

All right. I went to her room,
and she was crying and crying and crying.

And I felt like I should comfort her.

And then she started kissing me
because I was comforting her.

And then the next thing I knew,
I was kissing her

because she had been kissing me
because of the comforting.

Then she started taking my clothes off,
and then her clothes were off.

Then she performed
10 to 15 seconds of oral sex on me.

Okay. Peter, you can leave now.

- At the most. Maximum.
- Thank you for staying at Turtle Bay.

Rachel, please don't do this.

The only reason I'm telling you this
is because I really care about...

Listen to me, Peter.

I was a mess, too. I understand. Okay?

But it does not excuse
you acting like a complete asshole.

Listen, I know that
I fucked things up for a minute,

but I'm not like every other asshole.

You should not be with anybody right now.

Anybody.

I know...

I know that there is something here.

I know that I was not wrong about that.

And, yes, it's only been four days,
but I know you feel it, too.

I need you to leave.

Do not write me. Do not call me.
Do not e-mail me.

Peter, I need you to go.

I won't bother you any more.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do.

Hey, brother, what you doing, huh?
You stealing my art?

I want you to put it back right now.
Put it back, bro!

Listen, give me the picture.

Doo-doo paper.
You're throwing doo-doo paper?

Give me the picture.

Don't be stupid, brother.
Just give me the picture.

You can hit me as many times as you want.
I'm not giving you the photo back.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no.
Peter, I told you I did not want to see you.

Aloha, I'm Sarah Marshall
from Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime.

And when I'm not scrubbing for evidence,

I'm flying Hawaiian Airlines
to my favourite destinations.

Now sit back
and enjoy your in-flight entertainment.

I know I will. Mahalo.

(PETER SINGING) Everybody hates you

Everybody wishes that you were dead

Because, Peter, you suck

Peter, you suck

Peter, your music is fucking terrible

Peter, you suck

Peter, you suck

Peter, you don't do anything of value

Peter, you suck

Write some music but instead
you sit and write these bullshit songs

It's so self-loathing

Go see a psychiatrist
I hate the psychiatrist

Well, go see one anyway

I don't like the psychiatrist

You need to go and see one

See a psychiatrist

I'm not going

It's getting kind of hard to believe
things are going to get better

I don't understand
what there is to think about.

Because, D, he...

She licked the tip. That doesn't count.

- Of course it counts. He...
- He what?

He refused a blowjob
from his ex-girlfriend mid-blowjob.

Do you know what that's like for a man?
It's called blue balls, Rachel.

This guy is like Gandhi, but better.

He likes puppets.

I love puppets.

I love Fraggle Rock. I love Lamb Chop.
I love Elmo.

Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie,
Snuffelupagus. Fucks my shit up.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(SINGING) This is a song that
I never thought I would write

On the night I'm dying

Sorry for all the wrong I've done

I'm finished trying

It was a wonderful dream
Now let him come and slay me

There he is

The demon
who haunted the streets of London

I've come to slay you

Here I am!

I'll leave you bleeding in my dungeon

I'll never obey you
I'll rip out your oesophagus

Please, Mr Van Helsing
Listen to me

He is just a man who wishes to be free

Lay him in a hearse
You must end this curse

He is the worst!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Don't go my love

I can't say goodbye

My reign is done

It's time to die

I'm pregnant

Dracula

VAN HELSING: What have I done?

Has flown above

Who killed Dracula?

But he found a taste

A taste for love

My life is a lie

Sweet Dracula
I miss my young dead prince

I'll never see him again

Until my death

What a wonderful dream

To find a taste for love

A taste for love

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Wow. You came.
I can't believe that you came.

Peter, this is great.

- It was really funny. Yeah.
- Thank you.

You know what?
I didn't realise that it was a comedy,

and then someone told me that,
and it just, like, opened the whole thing up.

- How long are you in town for?
- Open-ended.

- Bold.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I'm kind of
checking out some schools.

- Congratulations.
- Yeah, maybe.

You never called.

You told me not to. And I listened.

- Right.
- Wasn't easy.

I might have called once and hung up.

- No. No.
- From a private number.

No.

Maybe.

MAN 1: Peter!
MAN 2: Nice job, Bretter.

Well, you should probably go back.

Would you like to hang out
while you're here?

- Maybe we could go to dinner or...
- Yeah.

- Still have my number?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'll call you.

- Go.
- Yeah, I should do that.

Yeah, yeah. Go mingle.

MAN 1: Hey, Peter!
MAN 2: Hey, Bretter!

Come over here and meet my mom!

- Go, go.
- Off I go.

- Hey, Peter.
- Nice job, Bretter.

The play was sick, man. Good work.

- Nice job.
- Good job, man. That was awesome.

So cool!

Peter, congratulations.

I just wanted to say thank you.
I had such a great time tonight.

Oh, good. You know what?
I'm gonna change out of this unitard,

- 'cause I'm getting a chafe. Okay.
- Enough said.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Hey, Peter?

I was just calling you.

- Wow.
- Oh, Peter.

- I'm sorry.
- Stop laughing.

Can you please stop laughing?

I missed you.

I just...

You know, I actually wanted to tell you
that I've been thinking so much about...

NARRATOR: This fall, Sarah Marshall is back
in a brand-new role.

Your wife had no enemies
that you're aware of.

Get ready for the most daring show
on television.

- Just came home, and she was lying there.
- Right.

In a world
where you don't know who to trust.

(YELPS)

Charlie, who's Franco Marconi?

- No. No.
- Gun, gun, gun, gun. Drop it, drop it.

Go with your animal instincts.

(DOG HOWLING)

- How did you know?
- She's an animal psychic.

Sarah Marshall returns on Animal Instincts.

Life's a bitch.

And where you're going,
that's exactly what you'll be.