Forget Paris (1995) - full transcript

# It's very clear #

# our love is here to stay #

# not for a year #

# but ever and a day #

# the radio and the telephone #

# and the movies that we know #

# may just be passing fancies #

# and in time may go #

# but, oh-oh, my dear #

# our love is here to stay #

# together we're #



# going a long, long way #

# in time the rockies may crumble #

# Gibraltar may tumble #

# they're only made of Clay #

# but our love is here #

# to stay #

# It's very clear #

# our love is here to stay #

# together we're #

# goin' a long, long long, long way #

# in time the rockies may crumble #

# Gibraltar may tumble #

# they're only made of Clay #

# but our love is here #



# to stay #

##

Charge!

It has come down to this: Eight
seconds to go, one possession.

Marv Albert with bill walton from the
America west arena in Phoenix, Arizona.

It got to the point. I can't
hear myself over the crowd.

If the suns win, they go to the finals.

If they lose, it means going back to San Antonio.

We got eight seconds, now. That's
plenty of time. Let's run a straight line.

Majerle, you take the ball out, bring
K.J. Up, get it to him, and get through.

Chuck's gonna be at the top of
the key; Kick it back to him.

- Chuck, you win the game.
- Get me the ball.

- No time outs left. Now let's go!
- Suns!

This is what it's all about,
Marv. Game-winning time.

- I'm looking for barkley to step up right here.
- What a shot! - Yeah.

For those who just tuned in, David
Robinson fouled out a moment ago.

- For "the admiral," 43 points.
- Get barkley! Don't foul!

21 rebounds. All right, here we go.

Dan majerle will inbound the basketball,
the suns one possession from elimination.

They're going wild here in
Phoenix. Kevin Johnson takes it.

Moves to the right side. Johnson
setting it up, looking for barkley.

We're down to six as barkley angles for the shot.

- Barkley to his left! Barkley checking the clock!
- Three, two, one...

Barkley with the release!

- Yes!
- It's all over!

Charles barkley has put the
Phoenix suns in the NBA finals.

The most dramatic victory in the
history of the suns' franchise.

No basket! The shot was after
the buzzer! Game's over!

- Are you crazy?
- No, no!

- Are you crazy?
- You didn't get it off. You were late!

- He got it off!
- He didn't get it off, Dan!

- He got it off!
- Hey, hey!

He did get it off!

- You're wrong! You are wrong!
- You did not get it off.

- You did it wrong.
- That is total bullshit.

- Hey, watch yourself.
- That's total bullshit!

- You were late.
- You're total...

- Jack called it good! Ask for help!
- I don't need any help. You didn't get it off!

- Bullshit! That was total bullshit!
- Watch your language, Charles!

You wanna play next game?

- Watch yourself, Charles!
- You suck! You suck!

Watch yourself. That's it.
No basket. Game's over!

- I don't want to protect you, but I have to.
- Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

The crowd appears to be voicing its displeasure.

Hey, Charles! Charles!

I'll see you in San Antonio!

- You'll see me! You'll see me kick your ass!
- Ahh!

I sure wouldn't want to be Mickey
Gordon tonight or any other night...

- The rest of my life here in Phoenix.
- I hope you die!

- You need help on that?
- No, I saw all of the way. He was late.

Let's get you out of here.

- This is not my jacket.
- Screw your jacket! Let's just get out of here.

As they lead Mickey Gordon off the court,

you can only think, as long as
they play this game of basketball,

they'll be talking about that controversial call.

For bill walton, I'm Marv Albert.

I've been a sportswriter for 20 years.

I've covered every great
event, and I'm sitting here,

watching my best friend make the
gutsiest call in the history of basketball.

They ran it on every news
show in America for two days.

Don't sit Charles barkley and referee
Mickey Gordon together at a dinner party.

The sports world is still stunned
by this controversial call.

Gordon remains in seclusion under police guard.

But, bravo, Mickey Gordon. It's this kind of
leadership and decision-making we need...

In the white house.

No news, no weather, no theater reviews.

Just that. Over and over
again. And you know what?

Mickey got it right. Right there, live. On the
spot. He got it right. The shot was late.

- By a hundredth of a second.
- Oh, God!

Honey, that's an amazing story.

I mean, if only I liked basketball,
I really would have liked it.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Welcome to Helen's. Can I
get you something to drink?

We're waiting for other people.

- Then we'll order some champagne.
- We're getting married.

- Fine with me.
- How's the house wine?

It's like me. Fruity, yet oddly appealing.

- Oh, we'll wait.
- You know, he'll wait. I'll have a glass of red.

You got it.

- I'm a little nervous, all right?
- About what?

- About meeting all of your friends.
- Oh.

About the fact that they're flying to New York
from all over the country to... look at me.

I'm gonna feel like a show horse.

Hey, they'll love you. You
already met Craig and Lucy.

They were wild for you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Mickey's the greatest. I can't
wait for you to meet him.

I tell you, it's unbelievable.

I mean, three months ago, I am
this confirmed single dope.

I'm living in New York, I'm writing for the
paper I used to deliver when I was a kid.

And I get your fax. One little number off.

- And ya-bing! We both hit our hearts.
- I know, I know.

Then I started faxing you
and you started faxing me.

And... pretty soon we're just...
faxing each other's brains out.

- Oh.
- Mmm.

House red.

Thanks. I think it's got to be the strangest way
for two people to get together I ever heard of.

- Oh... no.
- No?

No. Mickey and Ellen are
the current titleholders...

for the strangest getting together,
at least in their weight class.

- How did they get together?
- She helped bury his father.

Excuse me?

Hmm... no, no. I'm gonna wait
for Mickey to tell that story.

Oh. Whoa. No way. What, are you crazy?

You can't start a story, "she helped
bury his father," and then stop.

- That's not allowed. Come on, come on.
- All right, all right. Here we go.

This was a few years ago.

- See, Mickey's father died.
- Aw.

- No, it's good. Mickey hated him.
- What?

Everybody did. He abandoned his
family when Mickey was a little kid.

I mean, when he finally left, the neighborhood
had a street fair just to celebrate.

I won a fishing rod. It was
the best time we ever had.

Anyway, he dies... finally.

And the funeral service is
in the cargo area at J.F.K.

- Why?
- Mickey's old man wants to be buried in France.

- Was he French?
- No. He was in the D day invasion.

I think on our side, but I'm not sure.

His whole platoon, except him, was
wiped out defending a little village.

They were buried there, and he wanted
to go back and be buried with them.

- That's sweet.
- Oh, okay.

So Mickey has to go over and accompany
the body and see that it gets buried.

Well, why, if he was such a bad guy?

Well, whatever his father
had done to him or his family,

Mickey wanted it to end
with his conscience clear.

That's Mickey.

- Then there was this little problem.
- You lost my father?

Oui.

We're not talking about a val-pac here.

We're talking about a former person
in a bad suit in a big wooden box.

- And all you can say to me is "oui"?
- Oui.

Mickey's going out of his mind, but
he's trying not to go off on anyone.

And this is a guy who argues for a living.

I mean, he tells Shaquille O'Neal to shut up.

But you know, he doesn't want
to be the ugly American.

Can I see your superior, please?

Please, look, I know that you people
are still angry over eurodisney.

But please don't take it out on me.

Okay, okay. Whatever you do,
I am not gonna lose my temper.

- But finally...
- If I was Hitler, you'd give me my father!

You'd give me everything in your whole
goddamned country! Where is my father?

Two days.

Two days?

He was in that airport two days.

Monsieur Gordon.

- Will you come with me, please?
- Oui!

But the airline was nice.
They gave him free almonds.

Where does Ellen come in?

Now.

Bon. Merci infiniment pour votre aide.

- Je vous en prie.
- Au revoir.

- De rien. Au revoir.
- Au revoir.

- Bon chance.
- Au revoir. Et vous aussi.

Mr. Gordon, I'm Miss Andrews.

Would you care to come into my office?

- Veronique, pas de telephone.
- Oui, madame.

Merci.

Please, have a seat.

- How are you feeling today, Mr. Gordon?
- How am I today? I am a mass of good will.

- You're American.
- Yes.

On behalf of the airline, I would
like to apologize for any problem...

Problem? There's no problem.

You lost my father; My rear end has
become molded to a plastic chair;

And I've got amazing gas
from eating those almonds.

I've never been happier in my
life. I'm a walking mardi gras.

That's very funny, really. You have a
delightfully sharp way of expressing yourself.

A terrible thing has been done to
you, and we really are very sorry.

You have every right to insult, belittle and
abuse the staff who have tried to help you.

In fact, we thank you, and we
voted you "Traveler of the month".

So, congratulations.

- Is there anything else you'd like to say?
- No, I think that's it.

Good. We found your father.

The coffin landed here, but,
evidently, it was mis-tagged.

- See? You should always tip more at the curb.
- Oh, definitely.

- Then it accidentally was sent to Switzerland.
- Switzerland?

- We had some trouble dealing with them.
- Well, they're vicious.

- They punched holes in my cheese.
- Oh, really, I thought they were neutral.

Anyway, they insisted on holding your
father in quarantine for health reasons.

Health reasons? He's dead! He has
no health. He's been de-healthed.

Hey, there he is. Okay? Let's get out of here.

Oh.

- Do you have the claim checks?
- Why?

Are there two of these here
that look exactly alike?

My coffin has red yarn on the handle.

Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing?

We have to make sure that this is your father.

If it's an angry little guy giving you the
finger, it's him. Come on, please, please.

Don't make me look at him.

I'm sorry, but with all the confusion,
I really need you to identify him.

Oh, well. then put him on his stomach,
because I'm used to seeing him walk away.

Right.

- Okay?
- Okay.

It's enough. It'll be fine. Come on.

##

- Waiter?
- Pardon, monsieur.

- Garcon!
- Ooh, that looks good.

Hi.

- Are you alone?
- Alone? I don't even have silverware.

- Sit down.
- Thanks.

What exactly is that?

This? I don't know.

I... I thought I'd ordered a Martini,
but apparently I ordered a backyard.

Are you hungry? Can I order you the wrong thing?

Oh, no, thank you. I'm on
my way out for the evening.

Yeah, I noticed. Auto show?

- No, actually, I'm going to the opera.
- Oh.

Don't leave until the fat lady sings.

Oh, I never do.

Waiter, please. This is ri...

Oh, it... it's a loaner.

- I didn't have a jacket.
- Right. I guessed.

But it's a good look for me, don't you
think? The Ellis island collection.

Yeah, it's you. And I don't even know you.

Well, anyway, I really have to go,

but I just wanted to drop by to tell
you that everything is taken care of.

We'll deliver the casket to the cemetery.

A car will pick you up at 8:00
and bring you back to the airport.

And, for your return flight, we've
upgraded you to first class.

And the ticket is free both ways.

And that's supposed to make
up for losing my father?

- We're also picking up your hotel bill.
- Yes!

Well, I'll leave you in your grief.

Will anybody else be needing
transportation to the cemetery?

- No. I will be the only one there.
- Oh, how sad.

- Good, 'cause it's a funeral.
- Right.

- Okay. Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Um, Miss Andrews?

I just wanted to thank you, you know,

not just for the plane and the car, but
for today, you know, with my father.

- You were really understanding.
- Well, it was the least I could do.

- Anyway, well, good-bye, Mr. Gordon.
- Bye.

- Oh, it's in there somewhere. There you go.
- Here.

All right. Bye.

This is my father.

He fought in the war here.

These were his buddies.

Amis.

Well, you're here.

I brought you here like you wanted.

Thanks for not getting killed so I could be born.

Okay.

That was very sweet.

What are you doing here?

Nobody should bury their father alone.

- I'm Mickey.
- Ellen.

Do you come here often?

You would've been more
comfortable in the limousine.

No, I'm much more comfortable here.

So I take it you and your
father weren't very close.

No.

He left when I was ten.

But I'll never forget the last
thing he said to me. He said:

"Get out of my way!" You
can't buy memories like that.

I suppose not.

Anyway, I'll have you to the
airport in an hour and a half.

- The drive's a breeze.
- Oh...

Oh! See, I would never say something like that.

- Like what?
- Like "it's a breeze".

I mean, I'm real superstitious about that
and that's like begging for disaster.

You know, it's like, you
know those old war movies,

where after the battle they're sitting
around and talking about going home,

and there's some guy named Brooklyn, right?

"Hey, when I get back home, I'm gonna
see my Dodgers play in ebbets field.

Gonna get me a nice hot
dog and then I'm gonna..."

I mean, it always happened, right?

If ever I get on a small plane and
there's a storm outside, I never say:

"Piece of cake. We'll be there in an hour."

Never say famous last words
because they could be.

You're a disturbed person, aren't you?

You have no idea.

According to Mickey, he was really
working hard all the way back to Paris.

You know those Japanese
science fiction movies?

This big dinosaurs on the streets and those
people run out, they just wait to get stepped on.

They run out...

- Then they just wait.
- He's got the charm turned up to warp factor 7.

And she seems to like him, but he's not sure.

Well, I just never knew
that about wilt Chamberlain.

- Yeah, well, they say it's true, but, you know...
- Well, I... I had a great time.

Thank you for everything. We've
gotta stop meeting like this.

- Bye.
- Au revoir.

Take care of yourself.

Okay.

Have a good flight.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

Umm... does this ticket have to be...

- for this afternoon?
- That was prepared for anytime...

- you want to use it, so...
- Oh.

- Did you want to change it?
- Well, I was just thinking, it's so silly.

I... I've never been to Paris, and
maybe I should do some sightseeing.

Sightseeing? In Paris? What a bizarre notion.

Wha... what do you got here?

- What have we got here?
- Yeah. You got anything?

- We got some stuff.
- Yeah? Like what kind of stuff?

- Would you like to see the eiffel tower?
- That's here?

- See?
- You got any other stuff?

C'est bon.

He keeps delaying his flight;
He starts buying outfits.

He doesn't wanna leave.

I find it a lot like New York,
but really, totally different.

Did you always wanna be a referee?

- No, I started out as a player.
- Oh.

- What are you looking at?
- No, I just...

What, that I'm vertically challenged?

The best place for me to ref a game is
definitly Madison square garden in New York.

Wasn't it a soccer game a few years
back where the referee got killed?

- Yeah, see, I'm against that.
- Good for you. Take a stand.

- Do you ever get back to the new world?
- Oh... every year I visit my father in Wichita.

Wichita! I bet his name is red
and he caps oil well fires, right?

No, his name is Arthur and...

- he owned a pet store.
- That was my next guess.

When you dream, do you
dream in French or English?

French.

- With English subtitles.
- I'm very impressed;

You got little kids over here, 2, 3 years old,
and they're already speaking French.

Rodin never said what he was thinking.

You see, I think he's thinking,

"Goddamn, rodin, three drinks and I'm nude!"

What can you say? It was Paris.

You got great stuff.

Got it!

Hey, do you know where we are?

- Yeah, we're on the seine at the pont-neuf.
- No, no, no.

This bridge is in a movie, a great movie.

- Don't you recognize it?
- Give me a hint.

- # It's very clear #
- "Patton."

- "Patton"?
- Yeah!

# It's very clear our love is here to stay #

- "An American in Paris"?
- Gene Kelly, Leslie caron.

This is the bridge! This is very exciting for me!

Well, come on, sing the rest.

Sing? No, I c... I can't. No.

With my voice the cops will
come with those sirens...

They'll put me in singing jail.

# It's #

# very clear #

# our love is here to stay #

# not for a year #

# but forever and a day #

# in time the rockies may crumble #

- # Gibraltar may tumble #
- Now you're going to tell me...

- you're leaving, right?
- # They're only made of Clay #

The season starts Monday,
and I have to get back.

- # But #
- Mmm. Mm-hmm.

- # Our love is here #
- Would you like the afternoon...

or the evening flight back?

Evening. Then we could spend the day together.

- I'll have to work.
- I'll watch you.

- What?
- Yeah.

- This is my place.
- Oh, yeah? Oh, it's great.

- I had a great time today. Thanks.
- I had a wonderful time.

- So, good night.
- Good night.

Would you like to come upstairs?

- # In time #
- Really?

- # the rockies may crumble #
- Yes.

- # Gibraltar may tumble #
- No. I'm sorry.

- # they're only made of Clay #
- But, to tell you the truth...

I don't find you very attractive.

You've got a big, fat, dumpy ass.

What? He said that?

No, of course, I just threw that in to see if you
were paying attention; What he said was:

I would love to.

- # Our love #
- Come on.

# is here #

- # to #
- And they...

- Yeah.
- # Stay #

- And it was...
- Oh, yeah.

And you know, it was the first
time Mickey never told me anything,

which meant it was really something special.

# I know #

# we may never meet again #

# Before you go #

# make this moment sweet again #

# We won't say good night #

- # until the last minute #
- And finally Mickey has to leave.

He left? He actually left?

He had to. The season was starting.

Poor Mickey. He hadn't had a lot
of beautiful moments in his life.

He grew up in a family where
the dog committed suicide.

He left a note: "I just can't
take it anymore... chi-chi".

Mickey just never knew that
anyone could be so wonderful.

##

But he tells himself,

Forget Paris; It was just a
beautiful few days. Let it go.

You know, just let it be a perfect little memory.

But it's tough.

##

Did you see this?

They brought Abraham Lincoln
back to life for a few seconds.

When?

- Um, last week they dug him up...
- Hmm.

- And they gave him this drug revivatol.
- No kidding.

- It says he said a few words.
- What'd he say? "How'd the play end?"

How you gonna ref a game
with that in your stomach?

Jack, you may look like my mother,

- but you're not.
- Ooh.

- So, what are we gonna see today, gentlemen?
- What's playin'?

Do we have to go to the movies?
I mean, that's all we ever do.

- So what do you wanna do?
- I don't know. I was thinkin' maybe... um...

we'd go to a... museum.

- # It's like lookin' for a four-leaf clover #
- And see what?

- # It takes a little help from up above #
- Art.

- Art.
- # Lucky me #

Tommy, would you like to go
to the museum and see art?

- Not today, thank you.
- What is with you?

We're in Indianapolis, and all
of a sudden you wanna see art.

When I was in Paris, I saw art, okay?

I saw the "Mona Lisa", I saw...
you know... I saw stuff.

- With that girl you met, huh?
- Ellen. Yes.

For me, what is she living in Paris
for? Is she too good to live here?

- You know what I said?
- Good point.

What you mean: "Good point"? There's no point!

You know why don't you shoot some
revivatol into your brains, okay?

I am going to the museum,
and I'm gonna go see art.

Good, you'd better leave now...

- to avoid the crowds.
- Give my regards to Picasso.

Bad call, Mickey!

Damn.

Patrick, stop lookin' at me
that way, you big baby.

Just play the game, okay? How are you?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Walking.
Walking. Right there. Right there.

They're climbing up and down my back up there!

Hey, David come on. You're
makin' five million a year.

You could be in a submarine
bumpin' into a periscope.

- Let, just play ball.
- You gotta...

- you gotta call 'em.
- Stop the whining, okay?

1-5 in a block! Huh!

- What, are you new in town?
- Make some calls, Mickey, huh?

I'll make the calls. Hey, I'm
gettin' a glare off your head.

No, no, no, no, no! On the line,
on the line, on the line!

What, are you tired?

Yeah, your girlfriend wore me out
last night. Don't have any legs.

Hi.

It was a tango! You did the tango!

- That was a bad call.
- You weren't there.

- I was there.
- You weren't there.

I was there.

- Hey, Mick, where'd you buy your clothes from?
- Why?

'Cause we're lookin' to have a kid;
We wanna know where to shop.

Very funny. Tell spike that
one. Come on, play ball.

Technical foul!

Get up to the foul line. Foul
line... go to the foul line.

- Give 'im a technical!
- What are you doin' here?

- That's a hard foul, Reggie!
- Thanks, spud.

You know somethin'? You're
the only one I can talk to.

- All right, open it up. Ready? One, two, three!
- What about Ellen?

- Did they ever call each other? Did they write?
- Ohh!

She writes, he calls,

- but it's no good; He misses her.
- I love it. I miss you.

And then Thanksgiving. Big network game.

- Lakers at Detroit.
- Go...

- Pistons!
- It was kareem Abdul jabbar's last season,

his farewell tour.

And they made a celebration for him...

in every town the Lakers played;
This time it was Detroit.

- Thank you so much.
- It was a big game;

This was the biggest rivalry in the league.

They were scalping tickets for $600.

And of course Mickey's crew does
the game because he's the best.

Only it's a holiday.

He's thousands of Miles from
her, and he's miserable.

- He's a time bomb.
- Wake up and drop dead, you putz!

- God, I hate your guts!
- Where did you go to ref school, dipshit tech?

You pathetic pigs.

That's a foul!

What's the matter, the Prozac didn't kick in?

Get in the game, you prick!

What a waste of blood.

You suck!

Hey, Mickey, how'd you miss that last call?

Here, you wanna borrow these?

##

Let's go, let's play!

Hey, Mickey, laimbeer's got
me in a head lock out there.

What are you waiting for, blood?

- Technical foul!
- For what?

"For what"? You want another
one? You want another one?

What did I say? Just because you're havin'
a bad game, don't take it out on me!

- You're outta here, kareem!
- Are you nuts? This is my farewell game!

Oh, good! Well, let me be
the first to say "Farewell."

- Get out of here.
- No, no, no, no!

- You're nuts, man!
- Yeah, really? Hey, what are you laughin' at?

- Nothin'.
- No? That's it! Technical! For lying!

- Are you out of mind?
- Am I out of min, am I crazy?

You're outta here too!

- You're throwin' me out of the game?
- Take a walk, Isaiah!

What the hell's goin' on? You don't run this
league, Nickey! Nobody paid to see you ref!

Nobody paid to see you do anything!

- Get outta here, laimbeer!
- What?

This is not over! I'm gonna see you again!

- Good, because I'll still have this!
- Big deal!

You're outta the game!

- You're terrible!
- Get off the court!

It was horrible. He snapped.

- You're out! You're out!
- He threw out both starting teams,

a coach, a trainer, kareem's parents...

And the guy who puts cheese on the nachos.

They had to take Mickey out in an armored van.

He had committed the cardinal sin of refereeing:

- He brought his personal life onto the court.
- I can't believe it.

The league suspended him for a week.

He was in bad shape.

So what did he do?

What are you doing here?

What is with this airline?
Now they lost my mother.

Get over here.

- I have five brothers. All older.
- A little princess.

Yeah. Yeah.

They were all high school wrestling
champions, so they had the wrestling ears.

I just remember, "No potatoes,
mom. I gotta make weight".

And after the match it would be, "No,
"he pinned me! How did he pin me?"

So it was necessary for me to live
in a completely different world.

But why France? Why you're here?

Do you know the Madeleine books, where the
little French girl goes off to boarding school?

Well, my mother bought me the
whole set when I was young,

and...

I think I was Madeleine. She
made me the hat just like her.

and I used to walk around Wichita
talking with a little French accent.

Everybody thought I was crazy,
but I ended up here, so...

Are your folks still around?

My dad is, but my mother died
when I was in high school.

I wish she could've seen me here.

What?

It's just your face.

When you were telling me the story,
you just looked so beautiful.

Stop.

Hey, Ellen, let's sit down
for a little while, okay?

All right.

Ellen, I don't know if this
is just the right time for me,

or how we met,

or just how wonderful you are, but...

I really love you...

And I want us to get married.

Oh, Mickey, I am married.

Wait, is this again to see
if I'm paying attention?

- No. This part was real.
- What?

When, in the last couple of months?

No, no, no. Two years.

Where is he?

We're separated. I mean, we
might get back together, but...

But you... you're here with me.

I... I'm confused.

You're confused? You're...

all the time we're together, you never
said anything, you never implied...

Well, I'm not like you; I mean, I
can't tell everybody my whole life.

Okay, but hit an occasional
highlight like, "I'm married".

You don't do this to a person, you know?

You don't walk around being fabulous
when you know you're not available.

- How do you think I feel?
- I don't have a clue!

Let's recap, okay? Here's
what we know about you:

You're from Wichita; You got
five brothers with bad ears;

You're great in bed; And,
oh, yes, you're married!

I'm overflowing with facts!

Look, I have a good idea: Why don't you
just sit down and shut up for a second.

I'm in trouble here.

I'm trying to decide if I should
salvage a bad marriage.

I've fallen in love with someone else.

I just think my problems are
a little bigger than yours,

so let's have a holiday from sarcasm, all right?

You love me?

Is he French?

Yes.

Is he handsome?

Yes.

Is he rich?

Yes.

Does he have a sister?

Ohh!

If you got him, what do you need me for?

He doesn't make me laugh.

- No?
- No. He makes me miserable.

- Well, I can do that. Ellen, give me a chance.
- No.

- Ellen, please.
- I can't, Mickey.

Ellen, where are you going?

Ellen!

So, what happened?

- He came home again.
- Alone?

Alone. Only this time, he's
determined not to eat his heart out.

If she's not available,
she's not available, period.

He'll just go back to seeing the
women he was seeing before.

Who was he seeing?

Oh, Mickey was seeing a wide
variety of interesting women.

##

So, Mickey, am I going to see you tonight?

- Mickey.
- You call me.

Tonight.

It was a rich, full life.

Then one night, Mickey's in
Charlotte, north Carolina.

##

It's an off night, so he's all alone.

Just him and the guy coughing in the next room.

Hey! Attack of the phlegm creature!

You ever think about going to a hospital?

Come on, cough it up. Spit it up already!

Coming up next, more women's bodybuilding.

Too much of a good thing.

He called her?

No. He called me. I was in bed...

- Hello.
- Uh, reading.

- Andy, how're ya doin'?
- Hey, Mickey! Where are you?

You know what? I don't know.
I... I have to check my itinerary.

Yeah, I'm either in Denver or Charlotte.

You know, yeah I got a
room next to doc holliday.

Andy, do you by chance remember the
name of fourth grade substitute teacher?

Remember she crossed her
legs and we went nuts?

Remember she had the garters, hooks and the
whole thing? We didn't know what it was.

Um... uh, Miss... Pitter.

Oooh, bam! You're right. Miss Pitter.

How'd you remember that?

- Why, did you run into her?
- No, I was planning on masturbating later,

and I just wanted a name to go with the picture.

What... Mickey, are you all right?

No. I... I...

I'm really lonely, I don't feel good and...

Well, um, could I call you
back in a few minutes?

Hey Andy, could you hold on just a second?
'Cause I really want to talk to you, but I got this

professional cougher here who
wants to fight with me. Ok?

Hold on just a second. All right?

Listen, you've been keeping
me up all night. I just want...

What are you doing here?

Do you sleep with the window open?

Uh... yeah.

I don't like it. You're gonna have to stop that.

Okay.

Do you squeeze the toothpaste
from the top or the bottom?

Uh... top.

Well, don't do that. I hate that.

If you ever use my car,

you better put the mirror and
the seat back where I like it.

Don't use my razor to shave any part of you.

If you ever start to lose your hair,

you'd better not grow that long
thing down from your sideburns...

That you wrap around yourhead, 'cause
it's disgusting and I don't like that.

Don't ever hand me food and
say, "Taste this. See if it's bad".

- All right.
- Okay? Okay.

Wanna talk about religion, politics,
whether you want kids or not?

No. that crap'll all work itself out.
We've handled the big issues.

All right, I'll marry you.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- And that was it.
- Oh, you listened the whole time?

- Yeah.
- In a minute.

It was beautiful.

Oh, honey, that was nice.

That was a really nice story.

It's so romantic when she comes back.

- Hey, hi!
- Liz, what's the matter?

- What happened?
- Nothing.

Why does every woman
you're with end up crying?

- They don't. Will you sh... hi.
- No, no, no.

Andy was just telling me
this really wonderful story.

- Oh, was he?
- Hi, Craig. How are you, Lucy?

- I'm hot.
- Welcome to Helen's. What can I get you?

- Yeah, you got a nice white wine?
- Sure.

It's like me, bold but with a hint of whimsy.

- Fine.
- And for the lady?

- Uh... Perrier with lime, no ice.
- Excellent choice.

- What story?
- The Ellen-Mickey story.

- Oh, which one?
- The one: How they met,

The dead father, her showing
up in north Carolina.

- Yeah I know, I just can't wait to meet them.
- Them? They're both coming?

What do you mean?

Nothing.

- I was just under the impression they were...
- Yeah.

What?

After that wonderful story?

- Well, what happened? They were so in love.
- They were. They were wild for each other.

She got divorced, they got married right
away and those first few months were...

- Are you crazy?
- No.

You're going to weigh your
food here at the table?

Yes!

It's for weight watchers. I want
to look good for their wedding.

- How is this bothering you?
- I ju... I... I can't...

- You want me to tell it?
- No. No.

As I was saying, the first
few months were fabulous,

like a constant honeymoon.

She had no job, basketball
season was almost over.

She traveled all over the
country with him, saw every game,

- had a ball.
- Look how much a lime weighs.

So now the season ends, and
it's time for the hard part.

The honeymoon's over and the marriage begins.

Mickey had moved to L.A. a
couple of years after we did.

He and Ellen moved into his place at the marina,

- and it's not exactly her idea of a love nest.
- Okay.

Open 'em!

- No.
- Wow.

- It was sort of a shrine to watching ESPN.
- Welcome home.

- Well, it's just a matter of taste.
- Or a lack of.

Anyway, then October comes. It's time
for Mickey to go back on the road.

- She's heartbroken.
- Well, he was heartbroken too.

- I mean...
- Yeah.

- Yeah, he was. They were very much in love.
- Yeah.

Travel safe.

She had left a job in France;
She had lost all her tenure.

She had to start over again,
and all she could get...

was this crummy little job in
customer relations at Burbank airport.

Look at this! Look what
you've done to my clothes!

Yes, I can see, but I have another situation
to deal with first, so could you just...

hello? Hello, is this Mrs. Durkin?

Hello, I'm calling from the Burbank airport,
and I have your three children here.

Uh... no, they did not get on the
plane because we didn't let them.

Why not? Mrs. Durkin, the oldest one is 7,
and they showed up at the airport...

- unsupervised.
- Lady!

- Could you just... this is disgusting!
- Get off the phone and talk to me!

Oh, Mrs. Durkin...

I really don't care if you are trying to
surprise your husband and the bitch...

- he ran away with, is...
- Lady!

Would you just get your
crap off my counter now?

She's not happy. Mickey only comes
home about four days a month.

She's in this strange city all alone,

with a job she hates, working
all hours, weekends, nights.

She was scared. This is
L.A. we're talking about.

She even got one of those dolls.

- What do you mean "dolls"?
- It's called safe-t-man.

You keep it in the trunk, and when
you're scared, you take it up,

and put it in the seat next to you
in the car. People think it's a guy.

Those are good. My sister had
one. No one ever bothered her.

Yeah, that was the reason.

Hmm! Anyway, now something happens
to Ellen you're not gonna believe.

Oh! Oh, this is fabulous!

- I'll tell it. I tell it better.
- I'm already telling it.

When I finish this story, you are
gonna call me a liar to my face.

But it's the God's honest truth! Tell it good.

She's sitting at home at night.

- It was day.
- No, the first part of the story.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, night.
- Right.

- So she's sitting at home... at night.
- At night.

Feeling miserable, when she
has an unexpected visitor.

- The first husband from Paris?
- Close.

A mouse. So she calls an exterminator.

Glue traps. It ain't like the old
kind that snapped their heads off.

It's just a simple, little gluey piece of
paper. You put a little food in the middle.

The mouse comes along, looks
at the food, goes for the food,

gets stuck, squirms around for
a while but can't get away.

- It's how Lucy and I met.
- It's pretty cool.

So, the next day,

she comes home from shopping, she
hears a commotion in the living room.

- Oh, no! Did she get a mouse in the glue?
- Eww! Wait. Wait, wait.

Let me tell this part, all right. See...

- Oh, come on. Then you can tell the rest of it.
- Okay, okay.

She left the sliding door open,

and a pigeon flew in, went after
the food and got stuck in the glue.

- So she calls the vet.
- And the vet says, "Get it right over".

He's got some chemicals that can
dissolve the glue and save the bird.

- She puts the bird in a box, gets in the car...
- And heads for the vet.

- The bird's very nervous.
- Who wouldn't be?

She takes off. She's driving
along; She hits a huge pothole;

The bird flies up into the
air and sticks to her head.

- You're a liar!
- Ha ha, told ya.

Just get off!

Oh, God!

Help! Help!

Did you see that? Those
are the earrings I wanted.

- Mrs. Gordon for Dr. Bilch, please.
- Your, your pet's name?

Get me Dr. Bilch, or I'll kill you!

- Honey?
- In here.

Your lover man's home. Ah, what a trip I had...

Aaah!

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Well, I'll tell her. Yeah.

Thank you, doctor. Thanks
for calling. All right, bye.

That was the vet. It's good news.
The pigeon's gonna make it.

Why are you giving me the
stink eye? What did I do?

You had mice in the apartment.

- Me? I haven't been here for a month.
- I know.

Come on, come on, now. I didn't do anything.

You just had one of those
I-had-a-bird-glued-to-my-head days.

I mean, one minute you're normal person,
and the next you're Tippi Hedren.

I mean, it would shake a person up.

- When do you go away again?
- Day after tomorrow.

- For how long?
- Ten days.

- But then I'm home for 3. We'll go someplace.
- Great.

Didn't you just finish one?

- I gained eight pounds, okay?
- Okay, sure. Fine with me.

And as a matter of fact, I think I'll gain 20 more.

And then maybe I'll just be
perfect. How would that be?

For me, a dream come true. I can't wait!

Let's go into the kitchen and have
a big stack of buttermilk pancakes.

Come on, what do you say? Let's get you big!

Bring your new best friends, Ben & Jerry, and
let's turn your ass into a helipad! Come on!

Oh.

I look terrible.

- No, you don't. - Do.
- You don't.

- I do.
- You don't.

- I'm lonely.
- Aww.

Oh, Mickey, I hate my job.
I hate this apartment.

I didn't come all the way
from France to be alone.

And lately, I've been having certain feelings...

About... safe-t-man.

Oh, Ellen, I love you. I love you so much.

I wish there was something I could do, you know,

but it's not like I can quit my job or anything.

Why not?

What?

Why can't you quit your job?

I... that's, uh...

- that's impossible. I mean, it's ridiculous.
- It's ridiculous? I quit my job.

Remember? I gave up everything for you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Why don't you come out on the road
again with me? Now, that was great.

- Let it great time...
- Great?

Every other day on a different plane?

Dinner in the hotel room at 1:00 A.M. from
room service while you iced down your knees.

Who wants to live like that?

I do. I like my job.

Why can't you do it locally?
You know, high school.

High school? Those kids are armed. Plus
they play like nothing, honey, I'm a pro.

I'm one of the best in the league
and I've been doing it for ten years.

- I mean, it's what I do.
- All right. I'm sorry.

I mean, I know that your job means a lot to you.

I just can't do this anymore.

So he calls me. I once offered him
a job selling cars for his off-season.

I... I figured he'd be good at
it. He had the personality.

So he quit?

Oh, he asked the league for a
year off, a leave of absence.

So he and Ellen are together again.

She talks him into buying some
little house in the valley.

- It was charming.
- Yeah, if charming means high overpriced.

Anyway, she's workin' out.

- She looks fabulous.
- Yeah, everything's great... for her.

Plus, the knuckleheads at the
airlines finally realized...

that Ellen's, like, 90 times too
qualified for the job she's got.

So, they move her into a big office downtown
where she's the head of a whole department.

- She's the happiest she's ever been in her life.
- Oh, good. And how's Mickey?

- Mickey? Mickey is not wonderful.
- Yeah.

Um, what kind of mileage does it get?

Fabulous. Fabulous mileage.

It gets 100 in the city and 3,000 on the highway.

- What?
- Car and driver called the, um...

- What are we in?
- Subaru.

Right. Said it was "Great". Unquote.

So you actually knew Michael Jordan?

Knew him? I'm the one who shaved his head.

So, she's happy, he's miserable.
And the way his mind works is...

what the hell is makin' her so happy?

That was Ellen.

- Who?
- Follow that car!

- What?
- The Porsche!

- The Porsche! C'mon. Catch up to it! Come on!
- Okay, okay.

Come on, come on, gun this rickshaw!

Move it! That's my wife!

Ha! Ellen!

it's not her. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

- It's not her!
- It's not her, ha-ha-ha-ha!

- Aaah!
- Aaah!

So, you like it?

It wasn't that Mickey couldn't sell cars.

Most days he wasn't that bad,
but his heart wasn't in it.

The worst was during the play-offs.

- Poor Mickey. That was a rough time for him.
- It was rough because he made it rough.

Craig gave him a good job.

- My brother Richard was dying for that job.
- Again with this, again with Richard?

I'm just saying, unlike Mickey,

Richard would have appreciated that job.

Yeah, Richard needs instructions
on how to put on a hat.

He fell down some steps when he was a baby.

It's a whole other story.
Can we get back to the point?

You're giving her the wrong idea.
You're making Ellen the villainous.

- There's two sides to everything, right?
- You tell it.

Ellen would talk to me
sometimes during that period.

- Veal parmigiana.
- What?

That's the only thing he'll eat at
a restaurant is veal parmigiana.

I know. We've been out with him, I know.

There's just so many things he'll
only do. He'll only go to the movies.

"What do you want to do
tonight?" "Let's go to a movie".

That's what he's used to.

Well, in Paris he went to the museum
and he went to the ballet.

Forget Paris. He was courting.

Now, they'll do anything when they're
courting. Craig knitted me a sweater.

I took him to the theater
to see phantom of the opera.

- Oh, that's so beautiful!
- Yeah!

So you know what Mickey said?

- You liked it?
- I loved it. It was romantic.

Well, th... come on.

Guy's got broken dinnerware on
his face... under which is a pizza...

- and she's in love with him?
- She was in love with his soul.

Oh, that's ridiculous. I mean,
it's like beauty and the beast.

I mean, it's all stuff they sell to women.

The sweetest guy in my high school
was a guy named Teddy Stein.

He had a little bit of a droopy
eye and a mole on his cheek.

Could not get a date. But, no, this
"phantom" with an exploded head,

women are squirming in
their seats. It's not real.

- I loved it. The music...
- The music?

You know what the big song
was? It was "School days".

- What?
- Yeah! # Da-da, da-da #

# da, da-da, da-da, da
school days, school days #

# Dear old golden rule days #
What, they think we're dopes?

- So, you hated the whole evening?
- No, no. The veal parmigiana was good.

It was a hard time for him. He was unhappy,

so everything irritated him more than usual.

I guess. So, she was irritating
him and he was irritating her.

- They were irritating each other.
- Things were horrible.

- But then they got much worse.
- What do you mean?

- The father.
- The father!

- I forgot about the father.
- The father's dead.

- They buried him in France.
- No, her father, Ellen's father.

- Oh, Ellen's father. Why didn't you say?
- More Perrier, please. This was a nightmare.

- Why?
- Ellen's father retired. He was a widower.

- He also had a few health problems.
- Health problem.

And of course the wrestling
brothers didn't want to take him.

So he moves in with Ellen and Mickey.

Ellen's working days. Mickey, 'cause he's
selling cars, is working a lot of nights.

- So, days...
- Mickey's home a lot with Ellen's dad, Arthur.

Arthur is the kind of guy who
could drive you... insane.

- How?
- You asked for it, you got it.

Toyota

You asked for it, you got it.

Toyota

You asked for it, you got it!

Toyota

You got it!

Toyota

You... asked for it, you got it!

Toyota

You asked for it, you got it, Toyota

Ed's tropical aquarium.

Mattress city.

Donuts, donuts, donuts.

Mr. Sid's tuxedos.

Six guys from Greece, authentic Greek food.

Why don't you tell him to stop?

- I don't think he knows that he's doing it.
- Oh, so this is your life now?

- How did you let this happen to you?
- I don't know, I don't know.

You know, the longest I lived with anybody
before this was... eight hours, you know.

And that made me feel stifled.

I'm just not used to it, that's all.

I'm... I'm not used to somebody else
having an opinion about my life.

- An opinion that I have to listen to.
- No, you don't.

- I don't?
- No.

Jack, what are you saying? A wife
is just somebody to adore you...

And have sex with you and
otherwise not bother you?

Keep goin'.

- What?
- Hey! Chef of the future.

What's goin' on with the meat
over there? Makin' progress?

It's not quite there yet.

You want to give me a time frame, like
maybe next week, the fall, Christmas?

Let me know so we can plan
our vacation around it.

It's just this short of greatness.

So are you, Jack.

- Ha, ha. Got you. That's a good one.
- Hey, go, make the girl food, the salad.

Ooh, Ellen, let's go make
the girl food, the salad.

You know, the same thing happened
to me when I first got married.

"How can you leave me all the time?
I didn't get married to be alone."

She said to me, "Ya gotta give it up.
Ya gotta stay home, get a real job".

But I said, "You're asking me to give
up what I do, what I am. I can't".

- And she understood?
- No, we worked out a compromise.

- I went back to work and she divorced me.
- Lois?

No, this was Beverly, the first Mrs. Jack.

- I didn't know about her.
- Yeah! Then I met Lois and she got it.

Got what?

Look, Mickey, I don't like to stick
my nose into anybody's business.

But?

But, if you're with a woman
and she doesn't get it,

she doesn't get what you're
about, what's in your guts,

move on.

"Move on"?

Move on.

Jack, what are you saying?

I'm sayin', move on.

- Hey, you're up.
- Yeah.

I gotta get goin'.

- You look nice.
- Thanks.

Um... could I talk to you about
a few things before you go?

- I mean, I hardly get to see you anymore.
- Sure. What is it?

- I just wanted to tell ya...
- You asked for it, you got it.

Toyota

Morning, pop.

- Non-dairy creamer.
- Hmm.

You asked for it, you got it.

What's going on with you?

I, um...

I'm going back to refereeing.

Oh.

I called the league and I told them
that I want to go back to work.

Ellen, I tried. You saw that I tried.

But I just can't do this anymore.
I can't sit here with him all day.

Mean, when you said he was gonna live with us,
you gave no clue as to what shape he was in.

Shh. Honey, he's sick. What
do you want me to do about it?

Well, you take care of him.
Take him to work with you.

He can wander around the airport muttering.

There's thousands of people who do that.

So if he wasn't here, everything would be fine?

No.

Ellen, I like being a referee.
I love being a referee.

It's a big part of who I am
and I'm startin' to miss me.

And me is the guy you married.

So when did you decide to do this?

I've been thinking about
it for a couple of weeks.

In all that time, did it occur
to you to talk to me about it?

- I mean, to see what I thought?
- No, because I already knew what you thought.

But you're doing it anyway?

I have to do this! It's important to us!

I want to love you and not resent you.

You resent me? Tsk!

Yeah, because when you were unhappy, I cared.

Now, I'm unhappy and you don't care.

I just found out you were unhappy.
I haven't had time not to care.

But, you didn't notice? Yesterday I ran
out of toothpaste and burst into tears.

Does that seem normal to you?

Does it seem normal we
never have sex anymore?

- I mean, has that caught your attention?
- Come on, we're on different schedules now.

I mean, when you come home,

I'm asleep already. When
I come home, you're busy...

Oh, come on, we used to do it 19 times
a day in every room in the house.

And then we'd go to the kramers to see if they
were home so we could use their place.

Two times. Two times you
wanted to have sex and I didn't.

No, 50 times I wanted to have sex
and you didn't. Two times I asked.

So, is that my fault? Why didn't
you ask the other times?

Because, I don't want to always be the
one to ask when you show no interest.

I'd feel I am begging.

What about when I ask
and you show no interest?

- When was that? When that ever happen?
- Last week, in the morning.

Don't you remember? I started to
do that thing that you used to like,

and you said, "No! Get off of me! What is that?"

Come on, that was 6:30 in
the morning. I was fast asleep.

That wasn't love. You were
slipping me into your schedule.

Fine, if that's the way you see it.

Oh, Mickey. Look, I have a vacation coming up.

So, why don't we just... we could go with...
we could go to that place in Santa Barbara.

I'm leaving Monday.

How many more years are
you planning to do this?

- What? Referee?
- Yes.

I don't know.

Well, give me a clue. One, ten, 15?

I don't know.

I gotta go.

- He just left her?
- Yeah,

- can you believe it?
- No, he didn't leave her.

- He went back to work.
- Exactly.

But what he was saying was his job
was more important than his wife.

No, they were both important.

A marriage can't work when one person
is happy and the other is miserable.

Marriage is both people being equally miserable.

- What?
- No. I was just kid...

W... what would happen if I lost my column and
had to go back on the road to cover a team?

- Could that happen?
- Of course that could happen.

Papers fold, papers merge.

- You get a new editor.
- You never said anything about this before.

- What, would it have made any difference?
- Well, no, not really.

"Not really"? Ooh, that's a real crowd pleaser.

Okay, well, sure. It would make some
difference, you know. How could it not?

Well, I know, we're getting married
Sunday. I'd like to know...

if I'm getting the first Mrs.
Jack or the second Mrs. Jack.

Any man who refers to his
wives as Mrs. Jack is an idiot.

Any man who repeats it is a bigger idiot.

I'll...

- I... I better...
- Nah, nah. Sit down. Relax.

Lucy will fix it. She's the
Bob villa of relationships.

You're hungry. Have some bread.

Everything will look better after bread.

Why did I start anything?
Why did I say that to her?

This is good. Is there butter?

Take it easy. It's nothing.
It's just pre-wedding jitters.

- You think?
- You're kidding?

The week I got married I threw up every day.

Of course, it turned out her mother...

- was poisoning me.
- Will you stop?

Will you just stop?

- Oh, I think I'm scared.
- Of what?

"Of what?" That I parked too far from the curb.

What do you mean, "Of what?"

I've been single for 40 years and I'm
getting married Sunday. Oh, God!

Come on. Take it easy.

- You're all right.
- Why did I say that to him?

I didn't mean that.

Maybe I'm just too scared to get married.

Ooh, listen to me. I lost 15
pounds for this wedding.

You're getting married.

You shouldn't listen to Ellen and Mickey
stories before you're gonna get married.

It's like... watching a horror
movie before you go to bed.

But... you think Mickey was wrong
and Ellen was right, don't you?

- Of course!
- Yeah.

Also, Ellen was wrong and Mickey was right.

See, their marriage had one overriding problem.

One was a man and one was a woman.

So what happened? Did they break up?

It was kind of hard to tell.

Were they separated because he
just happened to be out of town?

Or were they separated because
they were... you know, separated?

Maybe I got married too fast.

No, there's no such thing as too fast
or too slow. It's whenever it's right.

Though you did move a little fast.

It's just that when my first
marriage ended, I felt so lost.

I wasn't looking for anyone,
but then he just came along.

- Mickey?
- Yeah.

He was so different than
the other guys. He was cute.

Oh, he's adorable. Every time I see him,
I want to pick him up and give him a hug.

Yeah. The other ones were
very polished, stylish.

And then this little referee shows up.

He made me laugh. Put me on a pedestal,
you know. He made me feel loved.

As only a little referee can.

He was just what I needed
to get me through that.

- Oh, God.
- What?

Do you think I married Mickey on the rebound?

- What's so funny?
- Get it? Rebound. He's a basketball referee.

- Keep your seats, kids.
- Ow!

You know the difference between us, Mickey?

- You still enjoy your mother bathing you?
- No, my friend.

The difference between you and me...

is you're a dope and I'm not. I say
that with the greatest affection.

- I'm a dope?
- Craig?

Big dope.

You and I are both the same,
Mickey. We're rigid.

- I'm not rigid.
- Craig?

- You're an ironing board.
- That's not true. That's not true.

- Please! Come on, guys. I change.
- Tuna rye.

Me.

- Tuna wheat.
- Me.

- Veal parmigiana sandwich.
- Him!

See? I know what I am. So, I don't get married.

You think a woman is gonna let me
spend $1,400 on old baseball cards?

Forget it! But you married this woman, Mickey.

Then you seem upset, that your life
isn't exactly the same as it was before.

It isn't. You're married.

And you're up.

When he travels, not only am I lonely,

I don't even know who I am by myself.

You don't?

No.

You know, like when you're with a guy...

I mean, not just for a night but really
with, like a husband or a boyfriend,

and you keep reinventing yourself to be
the perfect woman for that relationship.

Yeah, right, right.

I don't know. If I took time before or between,

you know, to find out who I really am by myself,

who I could be, you know,
without any guy around...

I know I'm in here somewhere.

I can hear myself screaming from a distance.

Does Mickey know you feel this way?

I just don't think Mickey would
understand it in the right way.

Things just weren't comfortable anymore.

For either of them. It was like
they were pretending to be married.

It was sad because they were married
and they were both very lonely.

Aw, gee.

Brushless carwash.

Mario's pizza town.

Laundry world.

They decided to get help. They
went to a marriage counselor.

First of all, let me explain my philosophy.

The way I see it, marriage is
simply a form of legalized rape.

Mickey thought they should see
someone else, doctors don and Debbie.

I don't understand, if you miss me so much,
why aren't you happy when I come home?

Because I know you're going to leave again.

Oh, that's logical. I'm going to leave, so let's
not have a good time while I'm home?

Now it's my fault that we
don't have a good time?

I'm just saing...

- when I come home, I'm excited to see you.
- You're not excited, Mickey.

- You're horny.
- Oh, is that bad, is that such a bad thing?

When do you two get involved
on this? When there's gunplay?

I just want it to always
be like that week in Paris.

It can't be like that, Mickey.

I know.

So finally, things weren't getting any better.

So, Ellen did what she had to do.

Ellen?

Hi! You're back already?

Yeah. Where were you?

Wichita. I left you a note.

- Yeah, well, I... I just got here.
- Oh.

Where's your father?

Wichita.

What's he doin' there?

I left him with my brothers.

- Really?
- Oh, Mickey.

I want this to work.

Oh, I love you.

- Honey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything.
- Oh... oh, no, no. Me too. Me too.

I was just crying about Mickey and Ellen.
It's so sweet the way she came back.

Why does every woman
you're with end up crying?

She's not... honey, this is Jack Garrett.

- You know, the referee.
- Very nice to meet ya.

- I've heard a lot about you.
- Uh-oh.

I was the "as told to" on Jack's book.

And this... is Mrs. Jack.

Lois. Hi, it's very nice to meet you.

Congratulations. Let's eat.

- Craig, Lucy.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Lois, hi.
- Hi.

- Good to meet ya.
- Hello.

- Craig.
- Oh, yeah, you sell those Scooby-doos.

Subarus.

Asshole. Excuse me.

- Jack, you're in the Lane too long. Sit down.
- Whoops.

- So, where's Mickey?
- He's doin' the knick game.

- He should be here any minute.
- With Ellen, right?

- Ellen?
- Yeah, why?

I mean, are they still together? Because
when I talk to 'im, I don't even ask anymore.

Yeah, Lucy just told me the whole story.

- The whole thing?
- About the baby?

- Everything?
- Shut up.

- Baby?
- Hey, the plot thickens.

- What baby?
- Do they make a decent Martini in this place?

Absolutely. They're like me: Dry and explosive.

- What baby?
- Dry, straight up, olive...

- Me too. Double.
- Me too.

- Me too.
- What baby?

- Ok, where'd you leave off?
- When she left her father in Wichita.

- Oh!
- Ancient history.

Does she know about him sellin' cars?

That test drive.

Hey! Hey, listen to me!

Someone doesn't tell me about
this baby, asses will be kicked!

I like her. All right.

See, after she dumped the old man, they
were in another word better for a while.

Oh. Oh, Mickey.

It's so beautiful.

There's something so great about
knowing we're making a baby.

- It's gonna be wonderful.
- Yeah.

Here's why you can't have children.

She had somethin' wrong with her plumbing.

Not like Mrs. Jack. She folds
my underwear, she gets pregnant.

Ellen's fallopian tubes were damaged.

Yeah, well, that's what she gets
for living in France all those years.

What does that got to do with it?

You know, she was probably
all clogged up with cheese.

Lovely, Jack.

- I'm telling the rest of this.
- Good!

She was devastated. They started
going to this fertility clinic.

She told me all about it.

Lois, you should see the waiting
room. All the childless couples.

I mean, you could cut the
hopelessness with a chain saw.

Mickey told Jack it wasn't hopeless.

Well, I mean, we are trying this in vitro
process for $8,000 each attempt.

- Ouch.
- Ouch is right.

Mickey has to give me these
injections every morning.

Only he gets a little queasy.

Why don't I just hold this and...

- you'll jump in my lap?
- Mickey, come on.

You know, Craig volunteered to do this because
he's used to doing it from being a diabetic.

- But I don't want him looking at your ass.
- Just do it.

Okay, okay. We're a team.

- We're a team. We're a team.
- Do it!

Ow!

- I didn't know that.
- What? How much an olive weighs?

No. That you wanted to
give Ellen her injections.

What do you mean, "wanted"?
I... I just volunteered.

- That's so sweet.
- Now, what are you saying?

You saying I was trying to
cop a peek at Ellen's caboose?

No, I was trying to help some
friends. May I finish this?

If you feel you have to, sure.

So, what we'll do, Ellen, is take your eggs...

So the fertility experts tell
Ellen and Mickey it's time.

And what's involve here, is they take some
eggs from Ellen, put them in a little dish,

and then it's time for Mickey
to... how shall I say...

spew his manhood into a little plastic cup.

- You're a real poet.
- Thank you.

After you.

Okay, can you operate a V.C.R.?

Why? Did you want me to
tape something for you?

- I... I do't understand...
- No, no, no, no.

It's just, we have x-rated tapes in case
you need some help becoming aroused.

Help?

Help? I lettered in this in high school.

I used to carry a picture of
my right hand in my wallet.

We also have magazines.

- Will you be all right?
- Sure, sure.

I... I do wish I was back in my parents'
bathroom in Brooklyn though.

A lot of happy memories there.

- I'll bet.
- Yeah.

Use the cup. Just come out when you're done.

Just one cup?

"Kim is an aries,

"who enjoys snowboarding and reading
the scriptures on a rainy night.

Favorite food: Juice".

Excuse me.

All done?

Can I see you for a second, please?

- Hi.
- Is something wrong?

Yes.

Do you have any Sophia loren movies?

- Early sixties?
- No.

This woman, she does a striptease...

- for marcello mastroianni.
- No.

- Uh, barbarella?
- No!

There's a dick van dyke episode
where Laura Petrie is in Capri pants.

- And she's doing, "Oh, rob..."
- Mr. Gordon, we are not a video store.

- We don't have a selection.
- I can't do this.

Mr. Gordon, your wife's egg is
good for only four more hours.

- Then we might as well scrape it into the trash.
- That's right. Pile on the pressure. Thank you.

- Can't I do this at home?
- No!

- Why not?
- Because the sperm has to be...

inserted into the egg, within
one hour of ejaculation.

Perfect, because I ejaculate half
an hour from here! No, no... I...

I mean, I mean, I live half an hour from here.
Please, let me go home where I usually do this.

Come on. I wanna go home.

Mickey, ar... are you okay in there?

- There it is! Okay!
- Okay, good. There's a paper bag on the...

sink there.

- Got it.
- Ah!

- My keys! My keys!
- They're in the car and the car's running.

- Okay. Bye, hon.
- Bye, what'd you think about?

- Wish me luck!
- Piece of cake!

No! Don't say that!

No!

No. No, no, no! "Piece of cake!

Piece of cake"? She spooked it!

Hang on, boys!

Ha, ha!

Go, go, go!

Yes. Yes! Ha, ha, ha!

Someday I'll tell ya all about this, kids!

- Do you know why I pulled you over?
- Yes, I did everything wrong.

Officer, please, I have to get
to the hospital in 20 minutes.

- 50,000 lives are at stake.
- What are you talking about?

- Do you know what I have in this bag?
- No, I don't.

I have a cupful of sperm.

Get out of the vehicle. Put
your hands on the Fender.

Now, move it. Put your
hands on the Fender now...

Mickey tries to convince the cop
he's not a perverted lunatic.

He brings him up-to-date on the whole story.

Thank you!

Good luck!

- Excuse me!
- And?

Hello, this is Mrs. Gordon, calling
for the results of my pregnancy test.

Just a moment, please.

##

##

##

- Mrs. Gordon?
- Yes?

That result was negative. Hold, please, and
I'll schedule you for another appointment.

- Thank you.
- ##

You have to remember.
Besides the disappointment,

she's pumped full of those hormone shots.

- She's a wreck.
- It's horrible for her.

Forget about it.

And of course, most of that
time, Mickey's back on the road.

So she's doing this alone, but they try again...

- for two years.
- Two years?

- Yeah.
- Until finally...

- Get it?
- Yeah.

Uh-oh, he wants his mommy.

You look pretty natural...

- Come here, you beautiful boy.
- Jesse, you big boy.

- Here, grab one of us.
- Sure.

- Turn him around, honey.
- Okay, okay, all right.

- Say hello.
- Look at Uncle Mickey.

Oh! Mmm!

What's the matter?

- Cute.
- I'm tired.

Let's go home.

I mean I'm tired of the whole thing.

I want to stop.

You want to adopt?

I don't know.

I just...

I just want some time not to have
to think about it for a while.

- All right?
- Okay.

They looked into adoption,

but the agencies were not that cooperative.

He traveled. She worked full-time.

They were on a ten-mile-long waiting list.

We didn't see them that
much after that. You know...

- We had a baby.
- Yeah.

I saw them. It wasn't good.

- There's a spot right there, Mickey.
- I can't get in that spot.

- Of course you could get that...
- I can't get in that spot.

- I could getting that... I could get in that spot.
- Maybe the "Phantom" could get in that spot.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- # school days, school days... #

It was just a matter of time.

Sit down, please.

Ever been in California, captain?

- Lots of times.
- Recently?

Mickey?

- What?
- General, you're a soldier and officer.

- You know as well as I do I can't give you...
- I want to move to Dallas.

What are you talking about?

The airline offered me a big promotion, but
it involves moving to Dallas and I want to.

Oh.

Well, it shouldn't make that big of a
difference to you if you're in Dallas.

I mean, you'd be home the same amount.

Right. But I'd be in Dallas.

So what? It's a city. They have veal parmigiana.

You know, you just can't walk into a
room and say, we're moving to Dallas.

- Why not?
- "Why not?", because...

This is my home, you know?
And I'm not givin' in this time.

- What do you mean, "this time"?
- Yeah.

- I always end up giving in to what you want.
- You?

Yeah, me. Would you like to add
them up? Want to see my list?

Oh, do you want to see my list while we're at it?

Look, they need an answer by this week, so...

Make up your mind.

I don't need a week.

I'm not going.

Must I remind you that a chain, is
no stronger than its weakest link?

Well, in that case, I'm moving to France.

France? France?

How did France get in the picture?

They gave me my choice
between Dallas and Paris.

I wanted Paris, but I figured
that wasn't fair to you.

But now since you're not even
willing to move to Dallas,

I might as well take the job in France,
it's that's the one I really want.

No! No! Stop the cab! Ellen!

- Stop, please.
- Stop the cab, stop the cab. Ellen, please.

Let's talk about this. Please!

- Ellen, please.
- Don't do this. We've been through it.

Let's go in the house and
we'll just talk about this.

- I have to go.
- You mean you want to go.

- Look, are we happy?
- Yeah!

You know, sometimes... we have ups
and downs. But everybody does.

Mickey, are you happy?

I just think for right now
it's better if we just...

- Just what? Separate?
- I'm not saying that.

You're not saying that, but you're going
to Paris and I'm going in the house.

- That's not staying together. Ellen, please...
- No, I just need to go for a little while...

Ellen listen, what if you stay
until the season ends?

And then we'll go to Paris
together. We were great in Paris.

- Forget Paris.
- Forget it?

How do you forget the best week in your life?

Maybe that's all we were is just one great week.

Oh, is that what you think?
Huh? After four years?

You know what then? You're
right. You know? You should go.

Absolutely, go. Have a nice trip.

Take care of yourself, Mickey.

Let's go, please.

- That's it?
- Yeah.

No. She turns around and
comes running back, right?

Nope. She got on that plane and flew to Paris.

And he went after her?

No. He got on another plane
to do a game in Sacramento.

That's how it ends?

Yeah. That was what? Four months ago.

Now Mickey's alone in a house he didn't want.

- He's, you know, adjusting... slowly.
- # April in Paris #

# Chestnuts in blossom #

# holiday tables #

# under the trees #

# April in Paris #

# this is a feeling #

- # No one can ever #
- Let's go!

- # reprise #
- And Ellen?

I spoke to her about a month ago in Paris, and...

She was lonely and... you
know... hmm... not bad.

But you know when you're talking to
someone and they tell you they're fine,

But you hear that thing in their
voice and you know they're not.

- You know? That thing? She's got it.
- # Never knew my heart could sing #

# Never missed a warm embrace #

# 'til April in Paris #

# whom can I run to #

# What have you done to #

# my heart #

Oh, I'm ill.

Imagine if I actually knew
them, how sick I'd be.

Hey, that's not gonna be us.

Can we order? My stomach's doin' the conga.

- The warmth.
- I'm hungry.

No, he's right. Let's get this party goin'. Waiter!

Ah, would you like to look
at a breakfast menu perhaps?

I know it's late. We're still waiting for someone.

Do you... do you happen to know what
happened tonight at the knick game?

Did they go overtime or something?
Because our friend is unbelievably late.

Tell you the truth, I don't think so, pal.
People at that table were at the game.

They've been there for over half an hour.

Oh. Well, bring us some
champagne. The best you got.

- All right.
- Oh! Champagne!

- We're getting married!
- That's right.

Uh... you people want to know what
happened at the knick game tonight?

- Yeah.
- Oof! Weird game.

- What?
- I never saw somethin' like this in my life.

- What happened?
- This is all about.

It was incredible. I was standin'
there waitin' for the anthem to start.

- You all right tonight, Mickey?
- Huh?

- Are you okay tonight?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please rise as we honor America with
the playing of our national anthem.

Please welcome David Sanborn.

##

##

- Tom?
- What?

I can't do the game tonight.

- Why not? you feel sick?
- No, I gotta catch a plane.

- To where?
- Paris.

Right now? You can't do that,
Mickey. You can't do... you can't...

I'm not gonna let you go. We got a game here.
They're gonna throw you out of the league!

If they do, they do!

##

I don't believe this.

- I was just on my way to see you.
- Oh, come on.

I swear. I was on my way to Paris.

Forget Paris. I hated Paris.

Oh, Mickey. What's the answer?

Why is it going to work this time?

I don't know. But I know that we're
better together than we are apart.

And I know I'll move to Dallas.

Or Paris! Or the dark side of the moon
because home is wherever you are.

And I also know...

I love you.

So tell me the truth.

Do you think we're gonna make it?

Piece of cake.

##

##

Charge!

Then the Knicks lost. They stink.

Well, let me get back to my
food, huh? Have a good night.

It's her! I know it's her! It's meant to be!

Why does every woman
you're with end up crying?

Mickey!

Hey!

It's them!

Ellen!

- Oh! Oh, Mickey. - Hi, Ellen.
- Hey, Andy.

Hi?

- Liz, Ellen and Mickey.
- Nice to meet you.

- Are you all right?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah, she'll be fine, she'll be fine.
- Congratulations.

- Oh, hey, look who's here!
- Hey, Craig.

- Hi, Ellen! I can't believe this.
- All right, champagne. Best we got.

It's like me: Bubbly and dying to go home.

- I would like to make a toast.
- A toast! Okay!

- To my father...
- Aw!

Who did one really great thing.

- He brought us together.
- Oh, that's nice.

Oh!

To marriage!

- Alla salute.
- Let's eat!

Sounds good to me.

- All right, young fellow, you first.
- Me? Okay.

Whoo, whoo. I know exactly
what I'm gonna have.

I would like the veal...

Picatta.

Yes!

Madam?

Oh! What the hell? Me too. I'm
done with this. I'm eating tonight.

- I'll have the parmigiana.
- Me too.

Come on, seven piccatas.

Liz. You must not know what that toast is about.

See, when Mickey's father passed away,
he wanted to be buried in France.

While I was working in Paris.

See, you don't know that that's a true story.

Helen, this is all veal. Seven
piccata, one parmigiana.

Fire it right up. I got a hungry group here.

Two days it was lost in
Switzerland and Ellen found him.

That's true. That's how we
met and then the rest...

well, you know that story, don't you?

Closed-captioned by Captions, inc. Los Angeles
ReEdited, ReSynced and more completed by Klaff2004

##

# Were we ever #

# did we use it up too fast #

# are great moments #

# never meant to last #

# and the last thing that I want #

# is to ever make your smile #

# go away #

# keep the memories #

# take the best of what we have #

# I can't stand to #

# watch what once was great go bad #

# and if I can't be with you #

# then I'd rather just remember #

# what we knew #

# When you love someone #

# and you love them with your heart #

# and it doesn't disappear if you're apart #

# When you love someone #

- # and you've done all you can do #
- # you've done all you can do #

# then you set them free #

# and if that love is true #

# Oh, yeah #

# When you love someone #

# it will all come back to you #

# Nights I've wondered #

# was it too much that we gave #

# if we'd given more could #

# we have both been saved #

# Well, I guess we crossed that line #

# never knowing what was yours #

# and what was mine #

# When you love someone #

# then you love them with your heart #

# and it doesn't disappear if you're apart #

# When you love someone #

- # and you've done all you can do #
- # you've done all #

- # and you set them free #
- # you can #

# and if that love is true oh, yes #

# When you love someone #

# it will all come back #

# to you #

# and through it all #

# I still have no regrets #

- # just why must we #
- # why must we #

- # you never will forget #
- # you never will #

# forget #

# When you love someone #

# and you've done all you can do #

# then you set them free #

# if that love is true oh, yeah #

- # When you love someone #
- # if you love someone #

# it will all come back #

# to you #

# Oh, oh, oh #

You asked for it...

You got it.