For Richer or Poorer (1997) - full transcript

Whoa! No, oh, no.

Tax fraud? Oh, no. I mean,
this is a miscalculation.

Yes, I mean,
a misunderstanding

certainly, but, you know,
I would even go so far

as to admit that
it was bad judgment.

It could be
really bad judgment,

but it's certainly not tax
fraud. No, I don't think so.

Look. We need to meet
with you and your client

at his office
tomorrow at 10 o'clock.

All right, all right,
we'll be there. 10 o'clock.

Good. Otherwise,
warrants get issued.



Property gets attached.
Everyone gets very cranky.

Well,

we don't want cranky,
do we? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

No, we don't.

Sleep well, Mr. Lachman.
We'll see you tomorrow. 10 o'clock.

- Thank you.
- Well, this is our big night.

- Yes, it is.
- You work the girls

and I'll work the boys.

Sounds great. See you soon.

- Not soon enough.
- Aw.

- Love, love, love.
- Oh, Caroline.

BOTH: Mwah. Mwah.
(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, Caroline.

What a fabulous look,
as usual.



- Oh, thank you.
- 10 years! Can you believe it?

Well, it's easy to believe, it's
just a little tough to admit.

Well, I'm just glad
someone's happily married,

even if it isn't moi.

Oh, honey.

I still can't believe you
haven't traded in Brad

for one of those hot new models.

Oh, sweetheart, you never
trade in a classic.

- Oh, meow.
- Oh.

- They're so happy.
- I'm so jealous.

(GUESTS LAUGHING)

Now imagine, if you will,

a Mecca where people
from all over the world

can partake in
a celebration of miracles.

We will lift their souls while
we lighten their wallets.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ladies and gentlemen,
behold.

The Holy Land.

(UPBEAT HYMN PLAYING)

This is amazing, isn't it?

A theme park inspired
by God himself.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Brad, darling,
look who I found.

Your Honor, it's a thrill
to have you here.

Well, it's a pleasure
to be here.

Thank you.
And my favorite attorney.

- I owe you one, buddy.
- Hmm. You sure do.

(SOFTLY EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)

All right.
May I continue?

Let me take you on a journey.

- Step this way.
- Please, go ahead.

All right. Now, welcome
to the Holy Land.

Check it out.

"Bedouin Breakfast."
Come on, you gotta love it.

What is this? A sell job
or an anniversary party?

For our Jewish guests, "Torah,
Torah, Torah, the Water Slide."

And for our Japanese guests,

"Tora, Tora, Tora,
the Water Slide."

(EXCLAIMS IN DELIGHT)

Look, "Water Into Winery." And
what a great year for wine.

Mmm! One.

My favorite attraction. Here
it is, "The Burning Bush."

Twice a night, we light up
the skies with this.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

- (SCREAMS IN PAIN)
- (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(BLOWING)

Mr. Sexton.

Not only have you
no respect for religion,

but you have ruined
my favorite Balenciaga.

I can assure you that if you
go ahead with this heresy,

you and anyone else stupid
enough to get involved

will burn in hell!

Judge Northcutt...

Your Honor, please wait.

Does this mean we won't be
having dessert tonight?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

What the hell's a Balenciaga?

Yo, Picasso!
Let's go!

Ugh.

- Happy anniversary, Mr. Sexton.
- Thank you, Winston.

- (CAR DOOR HITTING)
- Ow!

(CHUCKLING)

Well, after tonight
I don't know

how I'll ever be able
to face my friends again.

- (ELEVATOR DINGS)
- Just pretend they're a mirror.

You're so funny, honey.

Actually, I'll just
confess to them

that I'm married to a moron
and that way they'll feel

sorry for me, and then
they'll forgive me.

Well, this moron built
you this fabulous life.

Oh, that again! Oh, I forgot!
That's right, honey.

You did everything,
and I did nothing.

Well, I have developed

16 commercial properties in the
last five years,

including Euro Alcatraz.

(SCOFFS)

I'm sorry. Did you say,
"Euro Alcatraz"?

"Vacation in the Big House."
Say, did you hear that?

What?

The sound of an entire continent
laughing at you. (CHUCKLES)

Ouch. Caroline, refresh my
memory, will you, please?

What exactly have you done
in the past five years?

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, I know.

You've done Bloomingdale's. You've
done lunch. You've done Chemical peels.

You've done collagen. You've done
liposuction. (SUCKING SOUND) Wow.

You poor, deluded
little monkey.

Who do you think brought you
to those people, hmm?

Without me, Brad,
you would be nothing.

(COUGHS)

I beg your pardon, but I had a very successful
real estate career before I ever met you.

Oh, really? So you consider leasing
parking spaces a real estate career?

Well, here's a news flash, Brad.
I took you from Kmart to Tiffany's.

I invented you.

Okay. Then I guess you have no
one else to blame but yourself.

That's... I guess not.

Good night.

(INTERCOM BEEPS)

CAROLINE: Say, Brad, darling, here's a
thought. Since you're so good with fire,

why not set up a little
barbecue barrel down on 42nd

and sell flame-broiled
pigeons?

Or maybe you should write a cookbook,
How to Roast Your Own Nuts?

What do you think, Brad?

Jumping catfish!
You'd drive a guy crazy!

You know what I think? I think I'm tired
of busting my ass while you sit around in

your ever-widening one
criticizing everything I do.

Oh, really? I spent
the last six months

busting this ever-widening
ass, and for what?

So that you could take our anniversary
and turn it into some carny sideshow

to promote
some lame idea?

All right, Caroline.
What is this really about?

Nothing, Brad. Just another thrilling
Saturday night at the Sextons'.

(GRUNTS) Are you really that pissed off
about that little incident at the party?

No. I am pissed because if had
just stayed in fashion design

instead of wasting
my time on you,

I would probably have my
own collection by now.

Ah, so instead you're collecting
everyone else's collection.

Don't you get it?
I gave it up to help you.

Oh, please. You gave it up
because you were afraid

you might actually
have to finish something.

I'm tired.

Then go to bed.

No. Of this.

What used to work in this
marriage just doesn't work anymore.

Uh-oh. Oh, God, here it comes,
the divorce talk again.

Brad, we're both wasting
our time. What's the point?

If you want out,
just say the word.

(SOFTLY) Out.

What?

Out!

- You want a divorce?
- I need a divorce!

You got it. Good! And
we'll split everything!

Wait a minute. Split what? We don't
own any of this shit around here.

All we have is debt. And I'd be
glad to split that with you, 50-50.

50-50?
Not on your life!

- Then it'll get ugly.
- Good! I can do ugly.

I've done you for
the last ten years!

As memory serves me, you stopped
doing me after six and a half.

Happy anniversary, honey.

- Fuck off!
- Okay.

(SOBBING)

MAN: (ON TV) Holy smokes! How'd
I ever get mixed up with you?

WOMAN: (ON TV) You're becoming
awfully disagreeable lately.

Snap my head off
every time I open my mouth.

If being with me is so
distasteful to you, you can leave.

You can leave
anytime you see fit.

Nobody's holding you here.

I can get along.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

- Morning, guys.
- BOTH: Mr. Sexton.

Good morning, Penny.

- Well, did it come?
- Just arrived.

All fixed.
That'll be $96.

- I'll owe you, okay?
- I can't.

Not this time.
And I'll need cash.

Really?

- Really!
- Okay.

I'll go to the bank today.
You'll get your cash.

Have I ever shown you
the back of this?

Yes, you've shown it to me many
times. Oh, your new chair is here.

Is it?

- Ow! Bob!
- (STAMMERING) Brad.

What are you doing? Where are
you going with all that stuff?

I'm not going anywhere.
This is nothing.

I am going someplace,
you know, but I've got to...

Put a hold on it. There's something
I want to talk to you about.

I would love to, you know,

- but I've got...
- Bob... Bob.

- I've got your number.
- Huh?

FEMALE VOICE:
Number, please?

New satellite phone
from Osaka. Huh?

Got your number right in there. This
thing will pick up a signal anywhere.

That's great,
but I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait! I got one more thing
to show you. Please? Just take a minute.

Oh, by the way, Bob. How'd that IRS
thing come out? Are we gonna survive?

(STAMMERING) Sure, I
took care of everything.

That's what
I want to hear.

What do you think? The Shiatsu 2000
Massage Experience.

That's fantastic.
I gotta go.

Wait a minute! Come on,
Bob, look at this.

Oh, feeling good. I got the
manicure-pedicure option,

and I can sit here while I'm getting
my back rubbed, I can get a facial, too.

- What do you think?
- I'll tell you what I think.

I think that you are spending
development money on stupid toys.

These are not stupid toys.
These are business tools.

I write all this stuff off.

Yeah, that's what I do.

I could do a lot more. I got a working
knowledge of every inch of this place.

I got... I got...

I gotta go.
I'm really late.

Hold on! I'll walk out with you.
There's something else I should tell you.

Great.

- (ELEVATOR DINGS)
- Come on, come on, come on.

Whoa!

Well, Caroline and I
decided to call it quits.

Gee, that's too bad. Sorry to
hear that you two are splitting!

Did he say "splitting"?

Miss. IRS Field Agent Hall.
Where did Mr. Sexton go?

Well, he better be
going to the bank.

Bank?

Bank. He's running. Get backup,
have them meet me there. Move.

He did my first
two divorces,

and if I ever get married
again, he'll do my third.

- Brad won't know what hit him.
- Ooh.

You're so lucky
not to have a prenup.

We didn't have anything.
There was nothing to 'nup.

- Oh, you're gonna get it all.
- Oh! That's mine. You got it last time.

(TYPING)

No, no, no.

Hey! Hey, I don't
have time for this!

Son of a...

(EXCLAIMS IN ANNOYANCE)

Do not pass go.
Do not collect $200.

This is where
the fun begins.

Who the hell are you?

Inspector Lester. I'm here to serve
the warrant and bring in the suspect.

Inspector Derek Lester?

Wow! Sir, I heard
about you at the Academy.

I'm sure you did, son.

Whoa. Look, sir,
hey, hey, look, I know

I may be
a little new at this,

but I don't think we shoot people
for cheating on their taxes.

Oh. You're right.
You are new at this.

(COCKS GUN)

What do you mean,
my accounts are frozen?

It means
you can't touch them.

I know what you mean.
Who froze them?

I'm sorry, that information
is confidential.

Really? Caroline!

(SCOFFS) Excuse me, sweetheart,
but this card has no limit.

I'm sorry to say it does.

Ha! I knew he was too
good to be true.

Let the games begin.

That bastard.

- That bitch.
- FEMALE VOICE: Number, please?

(GROANING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(PANTING)
Oh, Jesus.

Bob Lachman.

- Oh, Bob. Brad.
- Oh, Brad.

Listen, somehow Caroline has
managed to freeze all of my accounts.

Caroline?
Are you sure?

Well, who the hell else
would it be?

Well, you know, there was
that little IRS audit thing.

I left out
a few little details.

What sort of little details?

$5 million!

(BABY CRYING)

Bob, what did you do?

Well, a lot of little things, you
know, over a long period of time.

If this is about money, just
say so. I'll give you a raise.

Brad, I'm insulted. This isn't
about money, it's about respect.

It's about friendship.

Nah, I'm only kidding.
It's about the money.

Bob, you need help.

I know, I know, I'm a sick man.
I am sick, but the good news is,

now I can afford to
get the help I deserve.

Oh, I would give you one more piece of
advice. If I were you, I would leave town.

Because I think they're
going to arrest you.

Arrest me? Why?

Well, because, you know, it's not my
name on those returns, sluggo.

It's yours.
Have a nice day.

Kennedy.

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob!
Shit.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! Come on!

He's making his move.
Let's go.

Hey, come on,
you're scratching it!

Come on!

(GROANS)

I don't believe this!

(HEART BEATING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Gun!

Shit!

Hold it! IRS!

(PANTING) IRS?

This is bullshit.

I can't believe it.
You just shot at him!

He had a gun!

He had a phone!

Well, let's hope this discourages future
violations of the tax code. Get the car.

Hold it!

Run, Sexton!

You're making my day!

Cheater!

LESTER: Brad Sexton
is a cheater!

Watch out! Excuse me. Oh, boy.
Look out! Look out, please!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Go...

Hey, Malik, Malik, let's go.

Smarten up, okay?
I'm off duty.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Where the hell
you going with my cab?

- Sir!
- Move over!

- What?
- Get over!

What are you gonna do,
chase him?

I think reckless pursuits are
against our arrest policy.

So is defrauding
the government, son.

(HONKING)

I don't believe this!

This guy's nuts!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

You know, When I was your age,

- none of this was here.
- Sir.

You can't drive,
can you?

Well, I don't have a license, if
that's what you mean. Got you!

Wait here.

Columbus and 69th.

This just keeps
getting better and better.

Brad? What are you doing
driving a cab?

I thought we could use
the extra money.

And why did you cancel
my credit cards?

I didn't...

Hold on!

Hold on, son.

Excuse me. Do you think you could turn
the corner without wrecking my hair?

You might want to
put your seat belt on.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, great. Now
the cops are chasing me.

How on Earth can you
owe that much money?

I don't know. But I don't owe
it, we owe it. You and I.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if I testify
against you then they'll give me immunity.

Well, fortunately,
they don't allow wives

to testify against
their husbands.

How about ex-wives?

(EXCLAIMS IN PANIC)

(SHRIEKS)

(HORNS HONKING)

(COUGHS)

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

(SIGHS)

(GRUNTS)

It's okay, fellas.
IRS.

Well, that worked well.

You don't have a clue where
you're going, do you?

No, but we can't go back to the
city till I figure this out.

You know what? If you had a brain, which
you clearly don't, you would've spoken to

your attorney
back in New York.

Hey! I was being chased around
by a guy with a big gun.

I didn't have time to
shoot the shit with Phil.

No, but you had time to steal
a cab, didn't you, Brad?

I'm sorry I didn't find the
time to lift a limo for you.

I don't get it. Leona cheated
on her taxes and she didn't

end up with a bullet
in her head.

Nope, just a cellmate named Wanda
poking her with a toilet brush.

I can't believe we are fleeing the
city like a couple of fugitives.

That's what criminals do.

I'm not a criminal, Brad!

Your name was right next to
my name on that tax return.

So as far as the government is
concerned, we are both criminals.

- Oh, shut... (SCREAMS)
- (MOOS)

Brad, look out!

(BRAD EXCLAIMING IN PANIC)

Oh, no, no!

Shit!

(MOOING)

- Are you all right?
- No, I'm not all right, you idiot!

- We gotta get out of the cab.
- Back off!

It's sinking, it's sinking.

- Get out, get out.
- Just move out of my way.

I'll do it myself.

(SHRIEKS) I'm drowning! Brad,
please don't let me die!

- Caroline, Caroline.
- What?

- Stand up.
- What?

Oh.

- Come with me.
- Don't touch me.

This is insane. We've been
walking for hours. It is so obvious

that there are no signs
of human life out here.

Well, what do you suggest
we do, Mr. Spock?

God, I don't have time for
your stupid jokes, Brad.

All right, all right. Let's just get
off the road. We'll go rest over there,

and I'll call Phil
in the morning, all right?

Oh, are you suggesting we spend
the night out here?

Yes.

Maybe you want to play Davy
Crockett, but I don't camp.

Oh, gosh, you don't need to.
Look, there's a Ritz-Carlton.

- You're such a jerk.
- Come on.

- Caroline, come on.
- No!

Wait for me.

Caroline, let go
of me, please.

No, I don't want
to fall down.

Can you be a gentleman
for once in your life?

All right. Here's the deal.
Just sit down here,

lean against the tree.
How hard can that be?

Are you sure these things won't
attack us in the middle of the night?

They're cows! They only attack
when they're irritated by whining.

Ouch!

I don't have to sleep by you. I'm
taking the other side of this tree.

- Whatever makes you comfy.
- Fine.

(GROANS)

Hmm.

It's actually soft
over here.

Probably 'cause you're
sitting in cow dung.

Excuse me?

I said, "My, oh, my,
is that cow hung."

Ugh. You're such a pervert.

(CAROLINE SCREAMS)

Brad! Brad!

What? Quiet.
Those cows'll jump on you.

They will?

Stay there.
I'll be right back.

What do you mean,
stay here?

I have cow poop on me!

(HORN HONKING)

Huh. Not lately.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(BELL RINGING)

Huh.

I come in peace.
I just need to use

the telephone.

Thank you.

Ugh. Bastard knew
that was cow shit.

(EXCLAIMS) Dreadlocks.
Look at me.

Oh, look at me!

Congratulations, Brad, you made
the front page of the Post.

Liz Smith photos,
the whole shmir.

Looks like you got yourself
into a little bit of trouble.

This is not a little bit
of trouble, Phil.

I'm being chased and shot
at like a wild animal.

What I want you to do is wire me
some cash, some dough-re-mi, pal.

I need a place to stay.

No can do, my friend. That
would be abetting a felon.

Phil, you abet felons every day.
You play racquetball with them.

Bradley, you know
I would love to help you.

Call Lachman. Find him. He's the
one responsible for this mess.

Let me get him on
the other line.

- I'm gonna put you on hold.
- Don't put me on... Shit!

Suppers at the Yoder house won't
be the same without you two.

The cousins'll be moving
here soon enough.

They're from an Ordnung
in Missouri.

PHIL: Brad, you still there?

Yeah, yeah, where else
would I go, Phil?

Seems like our friend Bob's
phone has been disconnected.

What? That dirty
son of a...

Calm down. Now both of you lie
low, let me survey the landscape.

Check back with me
in a day or two.

Or two?

Tax fraud, resisting arrest,
grand theft auto?

Bradley, my boy,
what were you thinking?

- I was thinking about saving my ass!
- (WOMAN GASPS)

Because that donkey's been
in the family for years.

And we couldn't live without it.
Save it. Any cost. Thanks, bye.

I just love that donkey.

Ow!

MAN 1: The cousins, will they make
it in time for our planting season?

MAN 2: Hard to say. Could
be a month, maybe two.

- Too bad for Samuel.
- Hmm.

Well, do you have everything?
Yeah? Good. God be with you.

MAN 2: Thank you
for your help.

MAN 1: My pleasure. Maybe you'll
come and see us in Michigan.

- (WHISTLING)
- Maybe, maybe...

BRAD: Listen, the real cousins
won't be here for a month.

We're not gonna get away
with it. We'll get caught.

One night, two nights, tops, here till
I get Phil to pull some strings for us.

It'll work, but you might want
to tuck those bad boys in.

You look like
a Shakespearean whore.

These bad boys cost me $14,000.
I'm not tucking them in.

Well, these people...
Fourteen grand for the set?

I can't look
this good for free.

(SCOFFS) Fine. You know what? If
you paid a little bit more attention

to our finances, maybe we
wouldn't even be in this mess.

That's it. Yoder.

They've all said "Yoder."

This is it. It's got to be. It's
so picturesque. It's almost serene.

Look at this. I can almost
imagine Planet Amishwood.

- (LAUGHING)
- Shut up, Brad!

I just want to
get this sham over with.

All I want is a hot bath
and a cozy bed.

No kidding. All right,
here's the deal.

Follow my lead,
I'll do the talking.

I know all we need to
know about being Amish.

Since when?

Since I saw Witness.

- Tiffany earrings, dead giveaway, honey.
- No!

- And the lipstick.
- What?

- Use my sleeve. Come on.
- All of it?

- Guess what, Brad?
- Hmm.

I saw Witness, too, and they
didn't wear Armani shades.

The rings. Amish don't
wear wedding rings.

Okay, fine, take them.

I wasn't planning on wearing
them very much longer anyway.

Okay. All we gotta do is pretend
to be people that we're not

to fool people we don't
know in a situation

we've never been in. We're from
New York, how hard can it be?

(SIGHS)
Let's go.

(GROANS)

Caroline, come on.

God, you look like
an idiot in that suit.

(BARKING)

(GASPS)
Buzz off, Lassie.

SAMUEL: Samson, down!

Mr. Yoder?

Yeah?
How may we help you?

We're the cousins.

- Cousins?
- Your cousins.

- Your kin?
- From Missouri.

- Emma?
- Emma?

- Jacob?
- Jacob.

- Jacob and Emma.
- Yoder.

We weren't expecting
you for months.

BOTH: Surprise!

- Well, what happened to you?
- Ugh. It's hard to say.

We had a carriage accident
up by the pond

- about six miles back.
- Danker's pond.

Danker's pond. And the horse,
I looked one way, he saw...

- Snakes.
- And spooked him, and he tore off...

- Drowned.
- Tore off and drowned.

And the carriage flipped, and at
the bottom of the pond there are

pieces of the carriage. Oh, it's
been in the family for years.

Children, this is our cousins.
This is Jacob and Emma.

Yoder.

This is our eldest,
Rebecca. Anna.

Hello. Hi.

Sam Junior.

Would you think it rude or
unkind if maybe I went in

and just washed up
a little?

Of course, please,
come this way.

Hey, thank you, boys.

It's sure good to be... here.

Welcome.

Here we go.

Everything you need
you'll find in the dresser.

- Blankets, some clothes that fit.
- (CHUCKLES)

And the outhouse
is right out back.

I'm sure you want a few minutes
to pray before dinner.

Grandma Yoder is preparing
one of her special meals.

You know, this is so swell.
And your phone is...?

(GASPS) My. You must come
from a liberal Ordnung.

Yes, a very liberal Ordnung.

Ours is one of the last remaining
old order Amish communities

in the country. We still do not
receive any electricity or public works.

(GRUNTS)

We like to maintain our purity and
independence from the government.

Don't we all?

We find it best to remain
disconnected from the outside world,

where corruption and materialism
are so common place.

Amen to that, sister.

I'm so relieved
you're here, Emma.

This time of year, heaven knows
we could really use the extra help.

Welcome.

Extra help? No, no, no,
I can't stay here.

They don't have television

and they don't even have indoor
plumbing, for God's sakes.

What did you expect?
Room service and a Jacuzzi?

It's either this,
or sleeping on cow pies.

Great!

Cow dung or Ordung.

Ordnung. Ordnung.
Learn it.

- Thank God we're from a liberal one.
- Thank God.

Why is that, Brad?

So when you blow it by acting
like Marie Antoinette,

we can blame it on our Ordnung.
Gee, this bed is awfully small.

BOTH: Hmm.

Well, you know what, Brad?

You don't need to worry about
that, because in our Ordnung,

(CLATTERS)

the men sleep on the floor!

Ugh!

What?

- I need a smoke!
- (YELPS)

Yeah.

Good food, good meat,
good God, let's eat.

- Amen.
- Amen.

What's wrong, Emma?

Oh, just anxious.

You don't know how long it's
been since I had my last...

Emma is just nervous. She's a little
shy when she's around new people.

Don't be shy, Emma. We're
not new people. We're cousins.

What happened to your beard?

Hmm?

Keep to your own, Sammy.

Forgive him,
but in our Ordnung,

only the unmarried men
go without beards.

In all Ordnungs.

Sam Junior,
now don't be prideful.

He has a point. And there's
an explanation for it.

A while back
in our Ordnung, we had...

- Outbreak.
- Yes, we had an outbreak.

- And it was...
- Lice.

(SOFTLY) Lice?

- Mmm.
- But it only lasted

- a very short time.
- Minute Lice.

Jacob, you must be very
anxious to meet Big John.

Of course I am.
How is Big John?

Ah. (CHUCKLES)
Belgians.

(LAUGHS)

I tried some of your suggestions,
but he just wouldn't listen.

Do they ever? Belgians are
only good for two things.

Waffles and
deep, dark chocolates.

(WHISTLES)

Grandma, if you don't mind, I'm
just gonna go with a salad.

Or, better yet, I'll just
eat this enormous wiener.

I'm gonna need just
a little bit of mustard.

(BABY CRYING)

- He's up again.
- Who's up again?

Baby Sam, of course.

Ah, yes.
Another son of Sam.

I like the name Sam.

Not to be confused with Samuel, Sammy,
Sam Junior, and of course Samson.

(BARKING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Good evening, folks.
- Evening, Henner.

Henner, these are our
cousins, Jacob and Emma.

So soon.
Well, that's good, huh?

- Guess who's got a boyfriend.
- Yeah, well, you go, girl.

"You go, girl"?

Yeah.
In very liberal Ordnungs,

that just means "he's hot."

Father?

Yeah, you're excused.

You go, girl.

(BABY CRYING)

Another brilliant idea
by Brad Sexton.

(WHISPERING) Caroline, get
some rest. We'll sleep late.

I'll get to that phone. I'll call
Phil. He'll... send a car for us.

You better tell Phil to make it
snappy! I don't like it here.

These people are not right.
They're like children of the corn.

(CRYING STOPS)

Oh, finally. Thank God.

(INAUDIBLE)

(MOANS)

(YAWNS)

(BANGING ON DOOR)
Morning!

(SCREAMS)

- Who are you?
- Come on, Grandpa.

Up you go, lazybones.

Thought we'd get the west
40 done before breakfast.

Look at that, honey, it's almost
4:45. We must've over-slept!

Emma, Emma, Emma!

Good morning, Emma!

Good morning, corn child.

This is Molly,
and this is Mae.

Two good, honest workers.
Though Molly gave me a big scare

last week,
didn't you, girl?

Have a look at her pastern.

(MOUTHING)
Pastern?

Oh, I see
what you mean.

No, her pastern.

Thought you said
"ass burn." (CHUCKLES)

- SAMMY: Pa, come quick!
- Sammy, leave him.

Now, Jacob, here's where
your expertise comes in.

Huh?

Strong bloodlines, perfect conformation,
but he's the most ornery animal

I ever owned. Got him at
auction three months ago.

You may be the best horse
trainer in Missouri, Jacob,

but even you could
have trouble with this one.

Meet Big John.

(WHINNYING)

(GROANING)

Couldn't we just have
rice cakes for breakfast?

Emma, these apples
are not for breakfast.

They're for the schnitz pies
we'll be making this afternoon.

Oh, yeah. There's nothing
like a good schnitz pie.

Emma, do you need
some coffee?

Coffee? This is a coffee-drinking
Ordnung? Oh, praise the lord, sister.

Mmm.

Mmm.

That is the most beautiful quilt
I've ever seen. Look at those colors.

It's just so vibrant and bold.
And that stitching is so intricate.

Whoever made this quilt
is quite the artist.

Oh, Emma, that is
the quilt you made.

Well, and you know what? Now that
I'm looking at it, it's not so swell.

Because I can see that it's sort
of flawed. I think maybe it was

just the way
the light was hitting it.

No, you truly are gifted
with the needle, Emma.

All the women here
are so excited

to learn your double-cross
wedding ring pattern.

Beg pardon?

Yes, I showed them
all your samples.

(WHINNYING)

(BARKING)

(GROANS)

Back up.

Um, hip-hop.
Move on.

- Big John.
- (NEIGHS)

Come on, now. Go now, go now.
We gotta go. We gotta go on.

Easy for you.

(WHINNYING)

Ow!

Whoa, whoa!

Whoa! John!
Yo-ho, John!

We are plowing now!

(GROANING)

Kissed by the sun today,
eh, Cousin Jacob?

(LAUGHS MISERABLY) Ouch.

Well, I must say we are blessed to
have you here for spring planting.

Another man
makes all the difference.

Well, I'm just happy
to be here.

Maybe tomorrow Big John will give
in to your training techniques

and you can start
on the north 20.

- Huh?
- Excited, huh?

Very.

(SOFTLY) Ow.

Are you hungry, Jacob?

As a matter of fact, I am.
Thank you, Emma.

Emma made your
very favorite dish.

- Mmm.
- You don't know how to cook.

Liver, kidney,
and lung casserole.

Huh?

(GROANS)

Oh, look at that.

Eat up, Jacob. You're gonna need
your strength tomorrow, honey.

(RETCHING)

(GROANING)

(CHUCKLES MENACINGLY)

Wow. Lipstick, for me?

Oh, honey, you look beat.

Let me draw you a bath.

(RETCHES)

Indigestion?

Don't remember eating that.

Guess what?

Emma doesn't have
to cook tomorrow.

Guess what? Jacob may not let
her live to see tomorrow.

Do me the favor. Do you know
what I did all day long?

I was on my hands and knees
scrubbing floors.

Wait a minute. What is that,
violins? Can you hear them?

What about me? How about plowing
five acres on a wooly mammoth?

Have you seen the
size of that horse?

Did you call Phil?

Yes, I used the windmill phone.

Town is five miles away.
What was I supposed to do?

Brad, why don't you
make a few more excuses?

I thought we were just passing
through. I didn't know was I gonna

spend the rest of my life
at Yoder State Penitentiary.

- I'll call him tomorrow.
- Fine.

I'm exhausted.

(BANGS)
(GROANS)

(BED CREAKING RHYTHMICALLY)

Please tall me that's
not what I think it is.

Where do they
get the energy?

Must be from
those schnitz pies.

Certainly not one of
your schnitz pies.

(NOISE STOPS)

Thank God,
they're quick.

(SIGHS) Like somebody
else I know.

(SIGHS)

(BANGING ON DOOR)
Morning!

(SCREAMS)

Look, it's already 4:45.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Whoa, wow, that's
a pretty big number.

Are you gentlemen
sure this is correct?

We do tend to frown on
excessive write-offs, sir.

I'd love to help you, guys, but
I'm completely in the dark here.

Well, then
here's a little light.

If I find out
you're not acting

in complete cooperation...

Believe me, I don't need
any trouble with the IRS.

You don't know how right
you are, Mr. Fancy Desk.

If you hear from him,
give us a call.

Mr. Fancy Desk?

What an asshole.

LESTER: Let's get a good
old-fashioned tap on his line.

HALL:
Can we do that?

We're the IRS.
We do anything we want.

Sir?

Trust me, son,
I know cheaters.

Right now, the Sextons are kicking
back in some fancy Caribbean resort,

slugging down rum drinks and
copulating in unconventional ways.

They're having
the time of their lives.

(GRUNTS)

That's it!

You know what I'm thinking about
right now, Big John? Glue.

And I'm not talking about
white glue, carpenter's glue.

I'm talking
about stick glue.

(NEIGHS)

Gosh, where does
glue come from?

Anybody?

Your feet.

(LAUGHS)

It's pretty simple, pal.

Be submissive,
or be adhesive.

You're a plow horse. There's
nothing wrong with that.

Show some self-respect. They're
talking about you in the barn.

Molly and Mae,
I heard them.

(IN MOCK FEMALE VOICE) "Ooh,
that Big John. What a stud.

High in the rear.
And check out his pastern."

(SNORTS)

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, do you want
to be a failure the rest of your life?

No, no.
Let's till the soil!

I didn't mean to yell.
I was... I was venting.

Let it go.
Let it go.

All right, Big John,
you and me and the dirt.

Hi-dee-ho.
Let's go!

(WHINNIES)

No, no, honey. Sweetie,
go back home. Shoo. Shoo.

BRAD: Whoa! Whoa,
whoa, whoa.

(CHUCKLING)
All right. Caroline,

I'm plowing.

Yee-haw, Brad.

I bet these people don't get a chance
to see the zigzag pattern very often.

You know, I think I'm really
getting the hang of this.

(SCOFFS) That's great,
Mr. Green jeans.

Is that for me?

Thank you.

Don't read
anything into it.

You said you were going
to call Phil today.

So could you go
make the call?

I'm ready to exit
the 19th century.

Oh, and while you're at it, could
you get me a carton of cigarettes

and some
Extra Strength Tylenol?

What?

Aren't you going?

I can't go. I promised Samuel
I'd plow the rest of this field.

Oh!

I have gotta
get out of here.

They've got me paring
and pickling and plucking.

And that annoying little girl
follows me everywhere I go.

You know what? Prison
couldn't be worse than this.

Would you stop
complaining?

Oh, now what? You're
taking the horse to town?

No, I think
I'll take the subway.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Brad, you cannot
ride that thing.

This is not a thing,
Caroline. This is a horse.

His name is Big John.

And he and I have come
to an understanding.

I hope the two of you'll
be very happy together.

I need some help getting up
on the horse, however.

Are you serious?

Could we...

(SCOFFS)

Give me your foot.

Jump.

(GRUNTS)

Hey. I'll need my hat.

Oh.

All right.

All right, Johnny,
let's go to town.

Johnny, you know
where town is.

Come on, buddy, don't
make me look bad. Johnny.

- Allow me.
- What?

(WHINNIES)

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

John, John.
Come on, John.

Don't forget my cigarettes!

Whoa! Yeah, yeah, okay.
Yeah. John, John.

Whoa.

No, don't tell me. I can't
know where you are.

But, Phil.

Careful. I'm sure by now
they've tapped the line.

Hi ya, fellas.
How are tricks?

I know how
these morons operate.

BRAD: Phil, did you
get hold of Lachman?

No, not yet. But I did manage
to get a copy of your returns.

Very interesting reading.
Brad, when did you buy a jet?

I don't have a jet.

Well, you deducted one.
And, uh, what about this...

How big a schooner?

Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil, you don't
believe I have any of this shit, do you?

Should I?

Lachman!

Brad, calm down,
or I can't help you.

Well, I'm so sorry. I've just spent the
last day getting my ass kicked by Big John.

PHIL: Brad, no names. Look,
I've got a couple of ideas.

Let me do my magic. I'll get
back to you in a week or two.

Or two?

Two? Phil, Phil, Phil.

Shit!

Finally, the break we needed. Get
the files on every single gangster

in the Western Hemisphere
named Big John. Everyone!

Jacob. Uh, Jacob?

Yes. Just call me Jake,
Henner.

Jake, uh, could you,
uh, spare a minute?

Does it involve
any heavy lifting?

No.

Good. What do you want?

Well, uh, you know,
here in our Ordnung,

men don't speak much
about certain things.

Actually, they don't
speak much, period.

Yeah, so I was hoping
because your Ordnung

is so liberal that
I could ask you about...

(STAMMERING) I could say,
I could, for example...

Henner, Henner, Henner, Henner,
come on, take a break.

What do you want to ask me?

(MUTTERING)
Um. Women.

(MIMICKING ACCENT)
"Vimen"?

Women.

Vermin?

No! Women!

- "Vimen"?
- Women.

- Women!
- Women.

(CHUCKLING) Okay, okay.

What do you want to know?

Marriage.

Oh.

You and Rebecca?

Yeah.

See, I think
about it constantly.

I'm practicing, I'm preparing
what I'm going to say.

And then, you know, I see her and then
the words, they leave my head, and I...

Something's wrong with me.

Nothing's wrong with you.
Women do that to men.

It's called
being in love.

But in our Ordnung, men...

You cannot marry without at
least two years of courting.

Ah, and you want
to jump the gun.

Uh, take the plunge.

Buy the cow.

Idioms aren't your thing,
are they?

You want to get
married right away.

Yes.

Hey! Whoo. (WHISTLING)

But, uh, well, um...

How long did you court
before you were married?

Six weeks.

Six... You were married
after six weeks?

Oh, it seemed
like two years.

And we really,
really loved each other.

So, Emma was all
you could think about.

You wanted nothing more than
to be in her company, yeah?

Every moment, all of the
day and the night, no?

Incredibly, yes.

(EXCLAIMS IN DELIGHT)

All that is needed is love.
I knew this.

I knew this in my heart, but I
was afraid to defy the elders.

(STAMMERING) Don't defy
on account of me.

Thank you, Jacob. Thank you for
your strength and your wisdom.

(GROANS)

Great, great, great. Save
this for the honeymoon, okay?

Thank you.

(GROANS)

CAROLINE: (SCREAMING) What do
you mean we have to stay here?

Keep your voice down, Emma.

I will not keep my voice down!
And stop calling me Emma!

Did you get my cigarettes?

No one's going to find us here.
It's not that bad.

You get free food,
free lodging...

Free food, my ass! I've never
worked so hard in my life for a meal!

Please keep your voice down.

I won't keep my voice down. I don't
understand what's going on here.

Two days ago, you and I
were getting a divorce.

And finally, I was going
to be rid of you.

I don't have to stay here another
day, do you hear me, Jacob?

Fine, Emma, do what
you want. Leave.

Pack your bags
and leave!

- Fine.
- (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Ohh!

(SOBS DRAMATICALLY)

You were right.

Marital discord.
It's such a shame.

Must be why they came early, hoping
a change would make a difference.

- (GLASS SHATTERING)
- BRAD: Hey!

Grandmother's 200-year-old
porcelain pitcher.

God has sent them
to us, Levinia.

I'm not sure how we can
help them, but we must try.

Jacob?

Evening, Samuel.

We need to speak.

Okay. About what?

You don't think we
know what's going on?

I didn't mean to put your
family in the middle of this.

Truth is, we were desperate.

Up You-know-what Creek
without a paddle.

Shit Creek?

That's the one.

I don't know what to say.
Look, I'm sorry.

I know what I did was wrong.

We were just so scared.

Everything just
started to snowball.

We needed a place to hide.

Oh, you mustn't hide
from your problems, Jacob.

You must confront them. If you turn
your back, they'll only get bigger.

You must show no fear
and stand in their way.

That's not easy when you're
facing prison, Samuel.

Oh, marriage is hardly
a prison sentence, Jacob.

Marriage? My marriage.

"Prison" was
too strong a word.

I meant sometimes it makes
me feel... claustrophobic, huh?

Well, uh, all husbands
and wives have periods

of disagreement
and heartache.

But the harsh words,
the evil looks.

You don't want to live like that
the rest of your days, do you?

Oh, Levinia, do we
have to do this?

The vow of marriage,
the love.

These aren't
just words, Cousin.

It's the commitment we live by
and hold second only to God.

So that would
make God first, right?

Remember, you wrote about
your picnics by the lake,

mating in the barn
with wild abandon.

Ah! (CHUCKLES)

I'm afraid our barn-mating
days are long gone.

It's been a long time since she's
opened her barn for me, Samuel.

But every day can
be a new beginning.

That's the beauty
of marriage.

Look inside
your heart, Jacob.

And put hers
above your own.

Once you've settled in, you
won't have time to be sad.

Now, let's go scrub
the kitchen floor.

Oh, could we?

Yes.

Samuel, thanks for the talk. I feel a lot
better now that it's all out in the open.

(GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES) You got a heck
of a grip on you, Samuel.

HALL: Big John, "The Chameleon,"
dead.

Big John, "The Cockroach,"
turned state's evidence.

Big Johnny Cool Cat,
serving nine life sentences.

Not so cool anymore.

Stick with it, son. Our
reputations are at stake,

and I will not be
made a fool of.

- Too late.
- How's that?

I said,
"I'll be working late."

Good man.

(MOUTHING)
Three, two, one.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Morning!

God. Don't these people
believe in shock absorbers?

Just try to enjoy the ride.
Look at this carriage.

100 years old. Looks
brand-new, doesn't it?

You just don't see
quality like this anymore.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

You've crossed over.
You're one of them now.

Every day's just a constant reminder
that I don't know how to do anything.

You're just feeling sorry
for yourself, Caroline.

- No, I'm not. No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. These women
know how to do everything.

Hell, I can't even cook or sew.
I'm domestically challenged.

(LAUGHS) That's funny.

No, it's not.
It's not funny at all.

I feel so useless here.

We can do this.

You still know how to
work a party, don't you?

Yes.

All right, fine,
let's go.

All right. Come on.
There we go.

(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

Having fun, Emma?

They're all dressed alike and
they're still having a good time.

Well, you didn't all wear
the same thing back home?

A liberal Ordnung.

- A liberal Ordnung.
- A liberal Ordnung.

Back in Missouri, you
probably wear many colors,

perhaps even
different styles?

Mmm.

Your Ordnung and so many others have
become much less rigid in that area.

But here, we're
still very limited.

Our Leadership Council has taken the color
issue under consideration numerous times.

They always vote no.

They say these are colors.
The only colors.

Well, I'm sorry, but I
think it's ridiculous.

I mean, it's not that black
isn't the timeless classic.

It's just that, what's wrong with
wearing pastels and soft earth tones?

We could wear color and still
maintain group conformity.

Emma, this is the first moment
since you arrived that,

well, the subject seems
to bring out a fire in you.

I have to admit,
clothes are my passion.

After the Lord,
of course.

Well, we all share
your feeling.

Color is present in everything else
God touches, so why not what we wear?

The council
meets next week.

Perhaps you could help the
Elders to change their minds.

(ALL CHATTERING)

No, me, next week?

Well, do you think I could make
a good impression on them?

Oh, yeah.

- (THUDDING)
- Oh!

- Well, that was fun.
- (LAUGHING)

We'll have to do
that again soon.

I told you he was funny.

Emma? Emma?

Mmm?

I made this for you.

Oh, no, thank you. No. Uh,
chocolate and I just aren't...

I have an addiction.

Oh, all right.

Mmm. Oh, Lord.

Emma, are you praying?

Mmm-hmm. I'm praying
that I can stop eating this.

Thank you.

- Hello.
- (EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)

Hmm?

- I think she likes you.
- Mmm.

Mmm. And I think
you like her.

No, no, she's just
enamored with me.

She's never met a chain-smoking
chocoholic before.

Wait a minute. Something's gonna
happen. Something wonderful.

I would like to
marry your daughter.

(ALL GASPING)

Friends.

Friends.

(MUSIC STOPS)

I have an announcement.

I'd like to make known that, as
of today, my daughter, Rebecca,

is engaged to wed
Mr. Henner Lapp.

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)

God bless them both.

(MOUTHING) Yes!

That is all.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Well, I hope they'll
be really happy.

Why did we get married?

I don't know.

I guess we thought it was a
smart thing to do at the time.

You were working at Saks.

Mmm-hmm.

You came in there and you were going to
buy these really stupid-looking socks,

and I sold you a suit instead.

I still have that suit. But
you're right about those socks.

So I went to Saks
looking for socks,

and I got a suit
and some sex.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

You were really handsome.

I was really handsome?

Are. (SCOFFS)

But did you ever
really love me?

You mean like that?

Did you ever
love me like that?

It was a long time ago.

Yeah. Well, we were
different people then.

Yeah.

These people sure know
how to cut a rug.

Yeah, cut a rug,
weave a rug, beat a rug.

(LAUGHS)

What if...
(CLEARS THROAT)

What if Jacob thought he should,
uh, want to dance with Emma?

You mean
for appearance sake?

Yeah.

Okay. Sure.

- Okay, good.
- Sure, I don't care.

Okay, uh, well, just start
running and I'll chase you.

(GASPS)

(SLOW SONG PLAYS)

Whoa.

So, you guys, uh,
taking the day off?

No, no, we're going to make a
transaction with the English.

Samuel is going to help me buy
the 20 acres across from him.

A real estate transaction. Did
you get a geological on it?

Check the water
and mineral content.

You might want to look
at the grade of that. Yeah.

Any liens
on the property?

You would maybe
like to come with us?

Oh, yeah, I got a lot
of shit to do around here.

Yeah, I would like
to go, though.

- Yeah.
- All right.

(WOMAN SPEAKING GERMAN ON TAPE)

BRAD: Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil, you don't
believe I have any of this shit, do you?

I've heard this before.
You're wasting my time.

No, no, no, no, just listen.

(WOMAN SPEAKING GERMAN)

It's German.

Ordnung?

Yes. It refers to the closed communities
of the Mennonites or the Amish.

Amish, of course.
They don't pay taxes.

The joint's probably
lousy with cheaters.

Let's go.
I'll drive.

COUNCIL ELDER: Color?

What is next? Leave behind
the horse and buggy?

Where will it end?

Well, with all
due respect,

I hardly think that our
wearing colorful dresses

is going to lead to tattoos
or monster truck rallies.

In the Bible
it is written,

"Women shall adorn themselves
with modesty and sobriety,

"without braided hair
or costly array."

But this isn't about vanity or
violating your... Our beliefs.

This is simply...

May I approach the bench?

Our quilts, our blankets
are vibrant and joyful.

And yet, we are forced to wear
these little black drab numbers.

Aren't there mornings when you
yourselves wake up and you think,

"Oh, I'm just so in
the mood to wear pink"?

If you would excuse us
for just a moment, please.

Oh, that's all right.
Go ahead. Discuss.

Thank you.

Yeah.

(DISCUSSING SILENTLY)

Could you perhaps gather for us
some samples of which you speak?

Yes, sirs.

The Council will meet again in one week,
at which time we will make our decision.

Wunderbar!

- Well done, Emma.
- I know. Isn't it good?

One week?

Uh, oh, ladies,
we have shopping to do.

Thank you, gentlemen.
Ciao.

SAMUEL: This price
seems a bit high.

Well, it's not as if we wouldn't
love to make you a better deal.

We're sitting on... What is it,
Dave, eight other offers?

- Try 10, Jerry.
- (WHISTLES)

But they're city folk.

Of course, you know, Samuel, we'd
always rather do business with you Amish.

JERRY: Now, this is a hell of a
property at a rock-bottom price.

But it is much, much more
than we have in mind.

Hmm, well, we're not making a dime
on this one. It's way below market.

Well, what do you
think, Jacob?

I think, if it's okay
with you two,

I'd like to talk to these two
fine gentlemen privately.

Please?

I'll be right out.

You tell me, Mr. Yoder, is this
property perfect for that boy, or what?

Let me just say, sir, that
I think it's extraordinary

the way you people
help each other out.

Uh, you're quiet
and reserved.

You never cause any problems. That's why
we love doing business with you Amish.

So, hey, what can we do
to wrap this thing up?

For starters,
we could take your offer,

wrap it up in a tight, little
wad and shove it up your ass.

SAMUEL: I thought I was
a good negotiator.

To bring the English
down that much...

Very impressive, Jacob.

It was nothing.
It was nothing.

I'm just glad
I could help.

And to think I am now responsible
for a piece of God's earth.

Wait till I tell Rebecca.

Oh, this is one of the
happiest days of my life.

Thank you, Brother Jacob.

You bet, you bet. Oh,
brothers, I'll be right back.

Thank you,
Father Samuel.

Yes, uh, collect call
from Jacob. No, no, no.

Brad Sexton, please.
Thank you.

Let go, Danny.

EVELYN:
Phil Kleinman's office.

- Oh, hi, Evelyn.
- Is that you, Mr. Sexton?

Yes, it's me. Put Phil on the
phone, will you, please?

I'm sorry, Mr. Sexton,
he's out of town.

What do you mean, he's out
of town? Where did he go?

I'm not allowed to say.

Why, because
somebody's listening?

I'm not allowed to say.

Well, what are you
allowed to say, Evelyn?

That's pretty much it. Why
don't you try back in a week?

- Well, you tell... Evelyn?
- (DIAL TONE)

Damn!

(MIMICKING AMISH ACCENT)
Broke at my farm.

WOMAN: What did he say?

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

CAROLINE: I'd like to
see you in the pale green.

And, you, oh, this robin's
egg blue. Oh, look at that.

Oh, look how
beautiful that is.

What's going on?

Oh, Jacob, Emma is
quite a skilled shopper.

Well, she's had
a lot of practice.

Could I talk to you
for just a second?

Sure. Brad, you're not gonna
believe the selections here.

I'm gonna use autumn tones. The
harvest is my muse, my inspiration.

And the prices are half the
price they are in New York City.

Caroline, we're in trouble. Phil's
gone. He won't be back for a week.

What is he doing
taking the week off?

Well, how do I know?

That's good!
Wait, I need a week.

I need a week to get
my designs in order.

Your designs?

- Yes.
- Hello!

Caroline?

Oh, no.

You've crossed over.
You've become one of us.

(LAUGHS)

Brad, be serious. These
women really need my help.

And this is what I always wanted
to do. I know I can do this. I can...

- (CAMERA CLICKING)
- Just give it...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We don't like getting
our picture taken, please.

I got you. I understand. Look,
what's this gonna take, huh?

What do you need,
five bucks?

A little Amish Lincoln.

I think the two of you need to
show a little more respect.

What a dick.

Intercourse, huh?

Hmm.

All right,
you start in front.

I'll come in from behind.
I'll meet you in the middle.

Sounds good to me.

(BED CREAKING RHYTHMICALLY)

This is unbelievable. Look
at all these little guys.

I made them. Well, you know, I
planted them and they're growing.

I, too, never grow tired
of the miracle, Jacob.

Well, it's...
It's so honest.

I mean, you plow it,
you plant it, and it grows.

It's like they say,
"You reap what you sow."

Aye, the process
is so simple, isn't it?

The ways things grow,
so quiet, so steady.

It's easy for people
to take things for granted.

The English, especially.

They view us as backward,
as hiding from reality.

But this is the reality.

This is the process of life.

We sow humility
and we reap a great harvest.

It is not we
who are hiding.

It's those English,
always hiding.

Jacob.

There, that's great.

Look alive, guys.

Uh, careful, Sammy.
Stand back, stand back.

It's me back here. We talked
about this, Big John.

It's your chance. You're
bigger than the stump.

Think of the girls in the barn.
Hip-hip, come on, John.

Come on.

(MEN SHOUTING ENCOURAGINGLY)

Go on, John.
Come on.

You can do it, Jacob.

- Come on, John.
- Go on, John.

(WHINNYING)

Come on, John.
Come on!

Come on, John.
Come on, come on.

Come on, John.
Come on.

Pull it, John.
Come on.

Come on, John.

Yeah!

(MEN CONGRATULATING)

Good, John. Big John.

I'm sorry.

Emma, I don't mean to sound
prideful, but how do I look?

Well, as long as you
don't tell anybody,

you look as pretty
as the sunrise.

All right, everybody.

All right, models,
models. Attention.

Heads up. No modest,
downcast eyes on the runway.

There we go.

Now, think Versace,
Armani, Valentino.

Sears?

ALL: Oh!

Are we ready?

I can't.

I thought I could,
but, uh, I can't.

Oh, Henner, get over it.
You'll be fine.

But, uh, you know, people are
going to be staring at me.

But that's the point, Henner.

(WOMEN GASPING)

Oh, Henner!

Well, so much
for my men's collection.

Henner? Henner,
can you hear me?

Good afternoon, everyone. Well,
everywhere we look, we see color.

And today, we've come together in
the spirit of simplicity and respect

to honor the beautiful rainbow,
which God has provided.

So sit back and enjoy as we
celebrate the glory of nature

in Rainbow Harvest '97.

(EXCLAIMING)

(COUGHS)

Um, hit it.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

And along comes Mary, wearing a beautiful
starburst quilt across her bodice,

offset by subtle hues
of aubergine and brick.

This ensemble comes complete
with easy-access pockets.

Thank you, Mary.

Notice the fabric
as she walks away.

It reminds me of corn swaying
in the gentle summer breeze.

How about y'all?

Well, next we have Sarah.
Talk about versatility.

This quilted smock in royal blue and
rust becomes an instant sporty classic,

- appropriate at a barn dance or on
- (ELDERS MURMURING)

- a milking stool.
- (ELDERS MURMURING)

Now, you tell me, what Amish
girl could ask for more?

- It's very important.
- Don't lie to me.

Excuse me, sir. We're trying
to locate these two people.

Could you please take a look and
see if you know them, recognize them?

No, sir.

Thank you very much.

Well, we're getting
nowhere with these.

Yeah. I just got
an idea, sir.

Oh.

Interesting approach.
Here's another.

You see, my way, we double our
chances in half the time.

Don't be discouraged, son.

It took years of government service
before my mind started working this way.

Little Anna Yoder. She's the
picture of youthful exuberance

in her bright yellow sundress
and azure underlay,

making those baby blues
just sparkle.

Doesn't it just scream
daffodils and sunflowers?

Or not?

Thank you.

What happened to him?

He couldn't take
the pressure.

And Emma was so disappointed. He
was to wear her men's colors.

CAROLINE: And now, we have Martha
in a very conservative number.

Now, I ask you a question.

Is she going to church,
or...

(ELDERS EXCLAIMING)

...to a picnic?

You tell me. Wherever she's going,
she's gonna have a great time.

Thank you, Martha.

I also have clothes
for you men.

Unfortunately,
male models being,

you know,
what male models are,

- (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
- it's hard to come by...

Here comes Jacob Yoder.

Whether he's on his way
to town to purchase grain,

or he's shearing his sheep,
he always looks his best

in his blueberry work shirt
and his blackberry suit.

Almost good enough to eat.

Thank you, Jacob.

Thank you, Jacob.
Thanks. Thanks, honey.

Jacob!

Cool it.

And that concludes
Rainbow Harvest '97.

You are a brave soul, Jacob.

I'll say.

- Very brave.
- It was nothing.

Uh, Emma.

I just want to tell you, no
matter what the Elders decide,

the clothes you made,
they are beautiful.

God has truly blessed you
with many talents.

Oh, thank you.
But it wasn't just me.

I had my friends to help.
My real friends.

Uh, Emma, um,
I have a favor to ask.

Um, I was wondering,
would you do me the honor

of helping us
with the wedding?

You want me to be
the coordinator?

I guess so.

Yes! Yes.

Oh, good.

Great. Thank you.

(ELDER CLEARING THROAT)

After much debate,
we have reached a decision.

We like the colors.

(GASPS)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

Could I join you?

Sure.

I know, I know,
don't read anything into it.

I wanted to thank you for
helping me today, Jacob.

It was fun, Emma.

Do you wanna sit down?

Okay.

(SIGHS)

I was really proud
of you today.

Mmm? Proud.
That's gotta be a first.

No, uh... You really
helped those people.

You did something nice
just to do something nice.

And you didn't even
hire a publicist.

Yeah, there you go. I
actually finished something.

And, hey, try and find
an Amish publicist.

You did good.

Thank you.

And I know when you
get out on your own,

whatever you do,
you'll do great.

Mmm, on my own.

There's a thought.

I'm sorry I held you back.

But you didn't hold me back. No,
you didn't. I held myself back.

Hey, but hasn't it been great
not fighting with each other?

Yes.

It's too bad we didn't get the
hang of this a couple of years ago.

Yeah, that is too bad.

All those years
chasing our tails, for what?

Another car I didn't drive.

Another outfit
I didn't wear.

The Holy Land. Is that not the
worst idea you've ever heard?

Oh, Brad.
Yes.

Yeah.

- (MOCK WEEPING)
- (LAUGHING)

You know, we...
we can't stay here forever.

Yeah.

Look how bright
the sky is.

It's so much clearer
out here.

Yes, it is.

Huh?

It was a wonderful day
today, Samuel.

God only makes good days.

- (DOOR CLOSING)
- (BED CREAKING RHYTHMICALLY)

(COW MOOING)

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Afternoon.

(LAUGHING)

Thanks to the miracle of your
semi-modern technologies,

we've got bupkis.

Look, just because
Intercourse didn't pay off

doesn't mean your
Dirty Harry technique

is better than modern
forensic science.

Is that so? Well, who's got more
movies, Clint Eastwood or Jack Klugman?

Answer that.

What?

The only way to solve cases
is running down leads,

grilling suspects,
long, lonely nights.

And sure, occasionally you come
home and your wife's in bed

with the bottled water guy.
But so what?

Boo-hoo. You blow your nose.
You move on.

Good old-fashioned police
work is the only way.

Sir, look out!

That's a cow.

That's a sign.

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

(GROANING)

Hey.

On the other hand, sometimes
you just get lucky.

Uh, sir, I think
I'm messing myself.

Walk it off, son.

ELDER: The vows you have taken,
you take for a lifetime.

These are promises which you
make to each other with respect,

with kindness and fairness
and with honor to each other,

with all lowliness,
meekness,

forbearing one
another in love,

endeavoring to hold the unity of
the spirit with a bond of peace.

Neither time,
nor temperament,

nor force of nature
shall diminish the solemnity

- of this holy union in the eyes of God.
- (SHUSHING)

This commitment you make to each
other is sanctified in His name.

So, will you, Rebecca, take
Henner to be your husband,

to love and to cherish,

to honor and obey
till death do you part?

REBECCA: I will.

ELDER: And do you, Henner, take Rebecca
to be your wife, to love and to cherish,

to honor and obey
till death do you part?

HENNER: I will.

So, today, before your friends,
relatives, brothers and sisters,

I offer you my blessings.

(SAMSON BARKING)

(SIREN WAILING)

How do you tell them apart?
They all look alike to me.

Okay, people, we're
looking for the Yoders.

That worked well.

What is this about, please?

It's about Jacob
and Emma Yoder, please.

I am Jacob Yoder.

And I am Emma.

You are not. They are.
Aren't you, Jacob? Tell them.

Maybe we should ask
for a public defender.

Phil's office swore
he'd be here.

Okay.

Hi.

It's nice of them to come.

What on Earth
is she wearing?

Looks like something from
Mizrahi's "Milkmaid" line.

Hmm, I like
the no-button look.

Yeah, you would.

I wonder how Brad's gonna dig
his way out of this one.

Looks like they're going
for the Quaker defense.

All rise.

(EXHALES)

We're gonna get the chair.

If we're lucky.

Well, well, well,

Mr. Sexton and Mrs. Sexton.

It's good to see you again,
Your Honor.

You're looking very well.

I should be shocked at the
list of charges against you.

But somehow,
it rings all too true.

(GAVEL BANGS)

Is Malik Ali Farquhvar here?

Yeah, that's me.
How you doing, Your Honor?

And I am definitely here.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Your Honor,
I stole that man's taxi.

We stole that man's taxi.

I know they're some questions
about our tax matters.

Mr. Sexton,
where is your attorney?

I don't know.

Well, then, who is going
to represent the defense?

There is no defense.

We just want to be held
accountable for what we've done.

We want to make things right.

You're prepared to
accept the consequences?

(BOTH) We are.

Your Honor...

Your Honor...

Mr. Lincoln.

(PANTING) I'd like to apologize to the
court. I just came from the airport.

Permission to approach
the bench, Your Honor.

Thank you.

Your Honor, I've arranged
for the extradition of...

(WHISPERING) Can you hear
what they're saying?

In light of information which has
just been presented to the court,

we'll take a brief recess.

Look at the two of you.
Hmm.

Where have you been, Phil?

Zurich. And I am pleased to
report that the long arm of the law

has triumphed once again.

You'll be billed
accordingly. And...

I found Bob.

(YELPS)

And as I was arranging to
extradite his considerable ass,

I did a little business with a
consortium of German investment bankers

who flipped, absolutely flipped,
over the Holy Land deal.

They actually like it?

Enough to buy you out.

Brad, I'm sick.
I'm a sick man.

I was jealous.

I had debts, I had needs,
very expensive needs.

Cutlery, the Tuscan villa, the
jet fuel, the special shoes.

I have webbed feet, I never told
you. I didn't want to burden you.

I know you must hate
my guts right now.

But...

No, Bob, I don't.
Actually, I owe you.

Huh?

I owe you a debt
of gratitude.

Yeah. You saved our lives.
And you saved our marriage.

You mean, you forgive me?

Well, I, uh,
I'd like to.

I guess I still have a...
a little ways to go.

Nice arm.

Case dismissed.

- Hey, huh.
- Amazing, yeah.

Way ahead of
the curve on that one.

Listen, Sexton,
you're the man, huh?

Honey, what have
you been eating?

Brad-y boy, it's time to take our
relationship to the next level.

Try my new pills.
You'll love them.

They make everything
you eat taste like shit.

I am talking about
a partnership here.

(DISTORTED) My brains, your
financial brawn, we can't miss.

(DISTORTED)
Mmm, cigarette?

So, Gabriella's maid tried to kill
herself by climbing into the dishwasher.

Fabulous, huh?
What do you say?

And now, she is suing
for domestic damage.

Can't miss, huh, Brad?

(BARKING)

Hi.

How are you?

- Fine.
- Good.

Anna, back in the house.

Samuel, wait.

Levinia, please.

We know what
we did was very wrong.

We betrayed your trust.
And we hurt you.

And I'd like to say
I wish this never happened,

but I would be lying.

Coming here was the best thing
that's ever happened to us.

Where we live, real friends
are very hard to find.

Samuel, you told me to look inside
my heart to find forgiveness.

That's what we want
you to do now.

Come on.

For what it's worth,
thank you.

I know I wasn't very good
at scrubbing floors,

but I really loved
spending time with you.

You English think
you're so smart.

What?

Do you really think
we didn't know?

Yeah, yes. Then why
didn't you say something?

Planting season.

We needed the extra help.

Besides, you looked
like you needed help, too.

But mostly
planting season.

Of course,
you need corn.

I missed you.

Thank you, Samuel.

(ALL CHATTING)

BRAD: Samuel, I still can't
believe I grew all of this.

Yeah, neither can I.

Um, before I go, I'd like
to give you something.

I know you can only
use pocket watches,

and I'd like you
to have mine.

Oh, that is very kind. But in our
Ordnung, we don't accept gifts.

Samuel, this is the only thing I
have that's ever meant anything to me.

This was my grandfather's.

Well, I suppose
we could barter.

Well, it is a turn-of-the-century
Swiss repeater.

(CHIMES)

What do you got?

How about a Swiss
for a Belgian?

Well, you throw in
some corn, it's a deal.

Deal.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Don't open the back.

Well, you know, that was a great
deal. '97 Jag for a '54 Ford.

He never saw it coming.

Yeah, never.

This has been quite a day,
hasn't it?

Yes, it has. I came to say
sorry to Sam, did a good deed,

ended up with some feed
and a steed.

And don't forget a basket
full of schnitz pies.

Oh, you're the schnitz pie.

No, baby,
you're the schnitz.

Marker.

Action.

I think I just realized why
they call him "Big John."

Would you let it go!

(SHRIEKING)
Oh, no!

Here.

(SCREAMS) Brad!

Chicken!

I think we finally found
something you're good at.

- (BONE CRACKING)
- (SCREAMS IN PAIN)

(SIGHS)

- (LATCH RATTLING)
- LEVINIA: Just a minute!

Oh, excuse me.

I had debts. I had needs,
very expensive needs.

Fine wines, the Rolls, special
shoes. I have high arches.

It's very hard to find a
corrective shoe in a slip-on.

(LAUGHS)

Emma, I'll wait for you.

(SARCASTICALLY)
Oh, good.

(SCREAMS)

(GAGGING)

There they are.

Brad, look out!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

(SPITS)

Look at this.
It's déjà vu.

It's the same cow,
isn't it?

Yeah, and the same pond.

You know what? I bet I could
get it for a good price.

And it would be a terrific
place to raise the baby.

Yep.
What?