Flexing with Monty (2010) - full transcript

I was just thinking...

You know there's nothing
creepier than a pair of kangaroo
eyes...

caught in the glare
of your headlights.

[ Spits ]

Their eyes glow...
demented like...

Just as you mow the
dumb creature down.

Lying there dead in the
bush looks like a giant rat.

Funny...

Haven't heard such thoughts
since... I was a scrawny kid.

Yea...

It was the good old
U. S. of A. I headed for.



And it's here... in this
rich I planted my two feet.

And I've grown
strong and sturdy...

Into the proud American
that I am today.

[ Patriotic music plays ]

[ Growls ]

[ 80's soft rock plays ]

[ Piano plays ]

[ Vocalizing ]

>> Maybe I should quit school...
>> No, it's important that you
study!

>> For what?

>> For the both of us ok?

Look, in our lives we have
to be as one button...

That's how we work
for each other.

>> Yea... sure.



All you have to do are pushups.

Gotta get those pecs hard and
firm... so large you could
strike a match on them.

>> Don't you knock pushups
Bertin, they've gotten me where
I am today.

In two years, two years, I
will be head of the athletic.

>> Yea... yea you know
I've gotta hand it to you,

you just twitch a
little muscle...

and you've got all the faculty
hanging by the hair in your
armpits.

>> Yea... if I belted you you'd
just pulverize into a powder.

>> Ah... but then you wouldn't
have a genius brother to write
all your papers,

to win your scholarships,

to be your John the Baptist
spreading the word on...

Monty messiah,

king of jocks, future stud dean
of the athletic department...

Which of course leads
to the ultimate goal...

Head of the presidents
commission of physical fitness.

>> Look I'll I'm saying
is lay off the shrinks

and start doing some
hard core exercises.

Limber and tone the body...
It'll relax ya.

Yea.. you could do 'em
during breaks from studying.

>> That's all you
ever do is exercise,

here, at school and in the
streets you never walk
anywhere...

you're always running like
you're in some Olympic event.

You're always going for
the gold aren't you Monty?

>> Yea. I'm like a shark... Duh,
dunh, dunh, dunh, dunh, dunh,
dunh.

I'm wired for perpetual motion.

>> Great... a shark, you're
always ready for the kill.

Especially with your students.

>> Now what they need
is time in the military.

Or better yet on a chain gang...
heh. That'd shake the little
bastard up.

>> Yea... while you're at it why
don't you throw them to the
lions!

>> You know if I wanted to...

if I really wanted to I could
have been a biology teacher!
Yep...

>> You don't have to teach
biology... You show it.

>> Yea...
[ Exclaims ]

>> Yea you know a couple
of the girls in calculus

were talking about how
you wear your pants so tight...

they'd like to know
if you spray them on.

>> So I stimulated a
couple of virgins huh?

What are you bored?

>> Tired... I'm taking a nap.

>> If you'd workout like me
you'd have a lot more energy to
burn.

We've turned into a
nation of wimps.

Those damn faggots
and dyke feminists!

They're messing everything up.

[ 80's music ]

Ooh... I'd fuck you if I could!

But since I can't...

[ Exclaiming ]

[ Yelling ]

>> Yea hi... I'm calling
about the ad in the paper...

the one about a rare exotic
animal you're giving away.

No.. I'm a biology major.

Well I could be interested if
the animal is still available.

Tomorrow morning...

How about tomorrow evening?
Sometime after 5...

Oh you deliver?

Cutesy thing...

That's a stupid name.

Till I think of a better one...

ah you just won't have a name.

Go ahead, play with yourself.

Quietly.

We can't let Monty
know you're up here...

Ever.

[ Grunting ]

[ Farts ]

The big bang! The
sound of creation!

Ah... damn.

Monty... you know I've been
reading about these pills you
take when you're gassy...

You chew a couple of them up
then you fart sweet smelling
odors like roses.

>> That's unnatural I would
never touch that junk.

Listen.

[ Farts ]

[ Exclaims ]

Nothing like a good healthy
stink. It's the way nature
intended it to be Bertin.

>> Monty...

I've always wondered
about your biceps...

>> A tough mass of muscle
tissue packs these babies.

>> Saw dust...

>> What?

>> Your biceps... probably
stuffed with saw dust.

>> Go on make jokes,

but your puny body could sure
use some hardcore exercises,

and not that sissy sissy
Tai Chi crap that you do.

>> Oh... and your puny brain
could use a few exercises,

like: zero... into... zero...
equals one big fat zero.

>> I've seen your body...

looks more like the embalmed
remains of an anorexic
schoolgirl.

>> You've seen what?

>> You body... just...
buhbuhbuh bones.

>> Oh yea right.

When?

>> On those nights you
sleep in grannies room.

You have wet dreams don't you?

Wow, you really get hot...

Body all twitching and
racked with pain?

Pleasurable pain aye, Bertin?

I've seen you wriggle out of
your pajamas... and just lie on
the sheets,

naked.

[ Soft music plays ]

>> Don't spy on me... don't ever
spy on me ever while I'm
sleeping!

>> Ok, then lock the door!

>> Nah, no... I should be able
to sleep wherever I like!

I'm entitled to some privacy!

>> Privacy?

>> Yea!

>> Oh who are you kidding...

Yea you'd like me to
believe that's all you want,

but you're afraid of something
aren't you? [ Exclaims ]

That's why you don't lock the
door... maybe you have dreams,
huh?

Bad dreams...

>> I don't have bad dreams.

>> Well that's not what he said.
>> Who?

>> The psychologist.

Or is it the psychiatrist?

I do get them so confused.

>> Who told you!

The faculty, huh...

Like Nazis they are Gestapo,
ears and eyes...

You know they had no
right to tell you anything!

[ Chuckling ]

Which one?

The secretary, huh...

The one who works in
the biology department,

the one who looks like
a desiccated toad.

Yea...

She's always had
the hots for you.

How'd you get it out of her?

What did you let her pet your
Rocky? >> Huh?

>> Rocky!

Your big Rocky!

Isn't that what you
call your favorite muscle?

The one between your legs!

>> No really Bertin, c'mon! What
kind of dreams do you dream,
huh?

Jesus Christ, you ever
dream about girls?

>> None of your
goddamn business.

>> Phallic symbols and narrow
doors, what a lot of crap!

Listen, a word of advice...

When I lay a chick I don't
think of narrow doors.

It's those damn shrinks... it's
nothing but a faggot conspiracy!

[ Forlorn music plays ]

>> You guys understood.

You knew the real
power of ganja.

[ Panting ]

[ Piano begins to play ]

I'm pregnant with
my mother again.

The mother I never knew.

She wants to be born this time.

Grannie should have
never had mother aborted.

[ Heartbeat ]

The fetus...

Did she flush it
down the toilet?

Throw it in the garbage?

>> You'll never have a mother.
All you need is Grannie!

And when Grannie's dead you'll
have Monty! Only Monty.

[ Unsettling music ]

>> Mother!

I've been waiting so long!

Now I know for certain...

No resurrection.

No second coming.

[ 80's electronic pop music ]

Monty...

While I was planting a
cactus in the garden...

I cut my finger.

>> Huh?

A laceration?

My finger...

Blood brothers.

[ Piano notes ]

>> Yea... quite poetic.

Or is that... [ Indistinct
speech ] whatever you're trying
to say, huh?

Huh? C'mon, what is it
that you're trying to say?

Is it making an analogy...
or a myth?

>> Neither of those.

I really cut my finger.

Thought I saw a penny
heads up in the grass...

That means good luck.

>> Ah you intellectuals
and your superstitions...

You guys never make any sense.

>> Well apparently my
intellect is paying off for you.

I mean... for the both of us.

>> Ok... ok... but don't
forget my body pal.

If it weren't for this body I
wouldn't be the best damn

phys-ed teacher around
today now would I?

And don't you forget,
I also teach a class in hygiene.

>> Here we go again...
a nothing two credit course.

>> Yea! Well I teach it like it
were a four credit physiology
course pal.

>> Yea, yea, yea...
>> Yea!

My students are crammed with
everything that has to do with
the body.

Why I'm proud to say I'm the
only teacher in that damn
department

that goes to the trouble to
illustrate bodily functions to
my students.

[ Speaking at the same time ] I
get physical with them...
physical.

>> Yea... Monty... Monty,
you're like a broken record.

Permanently stuck
on the same groove.

You know I've been thinking...
in a couple weeks I'll be 18.

I think it's about time I
started fending entirely for
myself.

Be independent.

Detached from all... this.

>> Oh don't be stupid!
Detached from all this...

Hey! Bertin! Hey!

Look, what you're saying
goes against everything

we've planned for
our existence together...

Yea you seem to forget that I
gave up my independence to raise
you.

Why I was barely out of
adolescence myself when I
committed my life to you.

>> I know.

I know.

But I never understood
to my satisfaction

why Grannie never claimed
me when our parents died.

I mean being raised in
an orphanage till I was 5...

[ Somber violin music ]

A catholic orphanage at that...
afraid to sleep.

Did you know I was
afraid to sleep?

The kids, the older kids they
always frightened me saying

one night I'd be nailed to
my bed by some crazy priest.

A priest suffering from
Christ pangs in his head.

[ Laughs ]

>> Well you're too hung up on
all that voodoo hoodoo spiritual
crap aren't you?

Bertin you're messing
around with things that are

too out of touch with the
way that we're supposed to live.

You should have cut down on
those philosophy course pal.

An introduction to philosophy
would have been quite enough.

Yea... shouldn't have messed
around with that other stuff...

Christian mysticism.

Your head's full of junk, that's
probably why you're constipated.

Yea.. your mind's
tired and sluggish

and it's having a terrible
effect on your digestive tract.

>> Why do you always have
to change the subject?

Huh?

I was talking about
the orphanage,

not about constipation
and Christian mysticism.

What is taking philosophy
courses have to do with

a loony priest having
Christ pangs in his head?

>> Christ pangs?
>> Yea.

>> Bullshit!
>> Bullshit?

You have them all the time!
Don't you understand?

You have Christ pangs
in your muscles.

Aren't you always saying you're
sacrificing your biceps for our
existence?

How your body always aches.

>> Yea, that's right.

But I don't mind Bertin!

I can stand the pain if I know
it's been doing us both some
good.

>> You know I can uh...

I can remember you always
whining to granny about how you
hurt all over.

>> Yea, but then she'd rub my
body with all kinds of
ointments.

To ease the pain.

>> Yea she had nice palms.

Granny...

[ Up-beat music plays ] The
rest of her hands were rough...

But her palms were soft...

And shiny.

She loved giving you rubdowns.

It made her palms even shinier.

>> Yea she knew...

God she knew how to
handle a muscle.

>> She'd say she could feel your
pain shooting through her heart.

>> Yea she knew how
to handle a muscle.

>> She was sweet.

Even though she
stank of old age.

She'd say before she'd
give you a rub down...

>> I'm delicious,

I'm old but I'm delicious.

>> Yea she was.

>> What?

>> Delicious.

Her lips were always sweet...
tasted of saccharine.

She used that instead of sugar.

>> Her diabetes huh?

>> Yea.

Lost an eye because of it.

>> She said it was because of
all the pain she absorbed from
your body,

that's what blew out her eye.
>> No, it was the diabetes.

>> I think granny
always resented me.

She couldn't accept your
supporting me while you attended
night school.

We're beyond brotherly love.

The Bronte brothers.

>> Yea, skip it alright. Forget
that crap about leaving and
being independent.

[ Phone ringing ]

>> Hello?

What? Wild stallion?

No wild stallion lives here.
Call a stud farm!

>> I'll take it.

>> But it's a crazy call!
>> I said I'll take it!

Hold on a second, ok?

Look, go fix me a drink! Go on
and put an extra banana in it
for me!

[ Military drum roll ]
>> Heil mein Fuhrer!

>> Yea?

Yea I'm definitely
into leather...

Of course I work out every day.

Great abs...

Yea and the firm bubble butt.

Yea the prize in the
cracker jack box is...

Nine and a half inches.

Cut.

Hey!

Hey!

I gotta go visit a sick friend.

>> How sick is this friend?

>> Very, very sick.

>> Well, I hope it's nothing
catching... like the bubonic
plague.

Or leprosy.

>> I'll be back in a
couple of hour, ok?

[ Indistinct speech ]

>> No.

>> Strong silent type.

I like that.

God...

I loved your ad.

Wild stallion!

I mean, what a great come on.

I don't usually do this,
this hustler scene.

I don't have to.

And I'm still young,
my body is still good.

You know so picking up
dudes is no real hassle for me.

You know like bars are
my home away from home.

It's just...

It's just your ad...
really turned me on.

I mean, wild stallion!

Giddy up.

I mean my imagination just
started working overtime!

I mean I had this crazy hot neon
image just flickering away in my
head!

I mean I saw this centaur, you
know those creatures that are
half man half horse

and carry a big big stick.

No baby I'm not talking about...

no night stick either, I'm
talking about like a battering
ram.

Do you know what I mean?

Mmm... mm, mmm.

Have one...

Bless me.

>> How about some milk?

>> Milk?

>> What's so funny?

>> Well...

I was hoping... I mean
I got two cases of beer.

>> I don't drink
alcoholic beverages.

>> Beer gets your bladder
all nice and swollen...

>> So...
>> Well...

Sometimes...

When I'm really dry and thirsty.

I like a little...

Rain.

>> No.

I'm not into that stuff.

It's too unsanitary.

>> Oh well then you must be
crazy about the immaculate
conception.

>> The what?

>> The Virgin Mary?

She was conceived
without original sin.

Nothing nasty about her.

Pure and clean from the get go.

But me...

I...

Like...

A little...

Dirt.

Ohhh...

Makes things a bit more...

Exciting.

So.

You're cut.

All nine and a half
inches of you.

I like 'em cut.

I know...

Circumcision is
unpopular now a days...

They say it kills sensitivity.

But... let me tell ya.

There's nothing hotter...

Than a cock that stands tall!

Erect...

And beautifully cut!

Ow!

[ Gasping ]

>> Kiss my boot.

Kiss it!

Kiss it!

Like you'd kiss a statue
of the holy virgin.

Worship my boot you
monkey fucker!

That's what you and your
kind are, monkey fuckers!

Haven't you ever read the bible?

That passage about
men screwing men!

Kiss my boot before I bash
your fucking head in!

Yeah...

It's you monkey fucking faggots
who started the plague!

>> I don't know what you're
talking about. >> I'm talking
about aids faggot!

That butt fucking, dick blowing,
needle popping disease of the
20th century!

>> You're crazy!

>> Oh you think so?
Oh...

Oh... I hear you faggots have
progressed to pig fucking,

and some of you are even
sticking gerbils up your asses.

What's next, huh?
What's next?

Sucking off aborted fetuses!

It's your own unclean fucking
that's bringing down our
civilization.

Is perverting the once pure
masculine nature of the greatest
power in the world!

The United... States of America!

I bet you even indulge in
the food of sodomites...

Stewed monkey nuts!

And fried rat cunt.

Isn't that what you eat after a
long long night of perversions!

>> No!

>> Isn't that the
food of sodomites!

>> Oh God help.

>> Don't you bother praying!

Nobody's listening.

No... he;s not listening.

But you listen.

And you listen good.

In the beginning...

God hurried to create
a world in 6 days.

On the seventh day...
God was arrested.

>> No, God!

>> Understand? God was in
jail... >> No!

>> For millions of millions of
years we've been unwatched.

Nobody's prayers heard.

But now eyes are out there.

Yea...

They study us...

Somebody else sneaked
in and took over.

Somebody else is at the helm.

And I'm certain he's not
interested in the natural order
of things.

It's rain you want, huh?

I'll give you a
fucking downpour!

[ Soft piano solo begins ]

I carry this scarf
close to my body.

Sometimes...

When I'm really horny...

I'll stuff it in my underwear.

Between my legs.

So I can feel it
rubbing against me.

When I'm walking...

Some nights when I'm alone...

I can't sleep cause
I'm too nervous,

and the dark's
really freaking me.

I'll light a candle.

While I sit there staring at
it's flame then it happens.

The scarf becomes flesh.

Her flesh.

A warm...

Soft...

Alive...

You see it belongs to her...

This scarf.

Still has her smell.

That sweet smell of
sweat and perfume.

She was naked...

except she had this scarf...

draped over her breasts.

Her nipples were real
hard against it.

Right then and there...

I wanted to touch her.

I wanted to bury my
face in her flesh.

But for some reason I couldn't.

I just sat there...

stared at her...

It wasn't that she
was beautiful...

just...

She had this way about her.

It made her seem special.

Like no other woman.

He's back.

Monty.

Monty!

Monty!

I have to have a
couple snapshots.

>> What?

>> I have to have a couple
snapshots of our parents.

I need them for my application
to graduate school.

>> Since when? Since when do
they ask for snapshots of your
parents?

>> Since now.

Something new.
>> Why?

>> For a phrenological study.

>> Huh?

>> A phren... no... la...
gi... cal study.

It has to do with measuring a
person's mental powers by the
shape of their skull.

>> And what the hell does that
have to do with you getting into
graduate school?

>> Maybe...

to prevent human mutation from
contaminating the halls of the
university,

upsetting the gene pool and
killing off the higher form of
the species.

>> But you're IQ is so high...

>> Look all I know is that
they match your skull,

with the skulls of your parents.
>> And then what?

>> Could be they compare
all of our skulls,

with the skulls of your
typical family of baboons!

[ Imitates monkey sounds ]

[ Both imitating ]

>> Funny!

Real funny!

>> Get off of me!

You know...

I've never seen any
pictures of our parents.

Didn't you keep any after?

>> Well... time for
some dips ain't it?

[ Grunting ]

You got your grad school tests
in a couple of days, you go
study.

>> You don't study for those.

>> For what don't you study?

>> For the grad school
tests you don't study.

>> Are they tests?
>> Yea.

>> Right! Then there are books
to study from for those tests!

That's how I see it anyway.

I had a dream the other night.

In my dream she looked like the
girl who came to see me at the
orphanage once.

[ Soft piano music begins ]

>> It's getting late buddy,
you should be studying.

>> I saw her again
at the playground.

She wanted...

She wanted to touch me.

>> I said it's getting late!

You go study!

[ Buzzer buzzing ]

>> I'll get it.

[ Buzzer continues ]

[ Thunder clap ]

I've been waiting for you.

[ Piano music plays ]

For luck.

[ Monty yelling ]

[ 80's hip-hop beat begins ]

>> Your father?

>> No... my brother.

>> Don't mind me.

>> Yea don't mind him.

>> A specimen.

>> Him?

[ Hip-hop beat continues ]

>> You sir would make a
perfect specimen for our cause.

>> Selling... yep.

She's selling.

That word, for our cause.

Means she's pushing something.

>> Not pushing, not selling,
advising...

indeed imploring,

for the restoration of our
skulls and ultimately our
brains.

Restoration back to their
earliest function in evolution,

you see sir our cerebral
hemispheres once dedicated
primarily to the sense of smell,

are in danger of
becoming extinct.

>> Oh! Extinct...

Nah. Nothing becomes extinct
not if you strengthen it...

nourish it from the
beginning of its...

its...

>> Birth.

Beginning is from birth.

>> Yea, birth.

Anything alive gives birth...

a vein, an artery... ooh.

Look... at... this.

This bicep is pregnant with
power. Oooh... and it has a
soul...

a fleshy soul that
you can squeeze.

Would you like to
squeeze my fleshy soul?

[ 80's hip hop music ]

[ Thunder clap ]

>> I'm afraid to my hands are
so cold, they're very cold,

they're getting even colder
from the metal can.

>> Yea, well then don't mind me.

>> Money, do you want money?

>> Yes.

A contribution.

>> For what...

>> As I said earlier sir, for
the restoration of our skulls,

and ultimately for the
preservation of our brains.

>> Well, our brains are in
perfect condition, aye Bertin?

If you're active milady
your brain will remain...

will remain...

>> Supple.

It's a good word.
>> Yea, supple.

You'll thrive.

>> But there are other
forces at work!

>> Oh please lady not spiritual!

Don't do the Jehovah witness
number on me, please.

[ Thunder clap ]

You look familiar.

Have we uh...

>> Man, Monty... give
her a chance huh.

>> Ok, shoot.

>> Please hear me out.

>> Ok, shoot.

>> Our spines, sir, are
crumbling, deteriorating from an
invasion...

>> Of what?
>> A virus.

[ Thunder clap ]

>> Yea, well I had my
vaccinations just two weeks ago.

I'm always prepared.

>> But sir...

This virus is caused
by things that explode.

>> Oh! You mean fireworks?

[ Farts ]

>> No, no, I mean
nuclear power plants!

>> Those kind that
sneeze radioactive dust.

>> Dust that's carried on notice
like warm breath to all parts
our body.

>> Monty, do you know
what that means?

>> In time, after the
great nuclear meltdown...

We will revert to the slime...

of our earliest ancestors.

But what is most frightening...

is that we...

the women of the world...

will have to lay
eggs in a marsh!

Sir, do you know what it's
like to lay an egg in marsh?

>> No!

I never really gave
it much thought.

Never gave it a thought...

[ Yelling ]

>> Caw... Monty
sucks, Monty sucks.

>> Shut up...

I know I taught you
those words...

but when Monty hears you...

you'll end up in that pie.

Foul...

most foul.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Buzzer ]

>> Bertin, get the door!

[ Buzzer ]
Bertin, get the door!

[ Buzzer ]

[ Party horn blows ]

>> Happy birthday.

>> Who the hell are you?

>> Your treat for the day.

The object of your desires.

Of your fantasies.

I'm...

Prime cut.

I see you have your own
little playground here.

I bet this gem is the heart
of your existence.

>> Yea.

I spend most of my time here.
Yea.

>> May I have some wine?

>> I don't keep alcoholic
beverages in this house.

>> That's ok.

I always bring my
own bottle with me.

Like a snort?

>> I don't do drugs, lady.

But please don't
let me stop you.

>> You know I've been
reading this fantastic book...

It's all about
Christian martyrs.

Those who suffered for
their spiritual enlightenment.

Oh but that was fine.

Sometimes I just cry... when I
think of those... brave...
saints...

suffering... all that... pain.

Without benefit of this
high quality star dust.

No buzz...

No rush...

Just pain...

Pain...

Pain...

Whips...

Thorns...

Crosses!

Oh Lordy, what a time that was!

An endless flow of... heat
and... sand... and blood.

Just thinking about it
makes my mouth go dry.

This one passage from the book
did a real number on my head...

So I memorized it.

[ Lion growl and roar ]

The heathens tore skimpy togas
to shreds from the beautiful,

bruised, starved bodies
of the martyrs...

and they were left... naked in
the blood soaked dirt of the
arena...

to the heathens the martyrs
were delectable morsels...

gleaming naked in their sweat...

so the heathens proceeded to
tear the martyrs flesh from
their rickety bones.

With whips of thorns and stones
as sharp as broken glass...

and honey it didn't stop there!

The heathens were on a roll,

a mad brain sizzling roll!

In a frenzy they yanked out
the teeth of the martyrs,

cut their tongues out,

and exposed their battered
bleeding flesh to the bites of
wild beasts!

[ Lion roar ]
[ Yells ]

Quick let me see what's
under that robe!

Do you like bowling?

>> Huh?

No!

Oh but I was a
whiz at ping pong.

>> But they use bigger
balls in bowling.

What was your name again?

[ Drum roll ]

>> Monty!

[ Dramatic music ]

>> Right! Monty!

Monty, you have... beautiful...
arms!

Can I feel one of your biceps?

My goodness!

It's as if your biceps
are filled with helium!

Let me squeeze one!
Oh maybe I shouldn't...

You might foosh away like
a deflated party balloon!

>> Oh no, my muscle's
packed with hard flesh...

My whole body, in its
own way is just awesome!

>> Like Mount Everest!

>> And even though my flesh is
hard and firm it stretches like
a steel watchband!

>> You should call yourself...
Monty Everest.

You'd be a living testament
to tensile strength!

Might even get your own TV show!

Monty and the cellulites!

Or better yet,
flexing with Monty!

[ Exclaims ]

[ Slow western style piano
music ] [ Neighing ]

[ Sound of whip cracking ]
[ Whinnying ]

>> Come here!

Come here!

>> Dad was a cowboy!

>> Yea!

>> And like all good cowboys
next to God and country,

daddy loved... horses...

but one day daddy rode deep into
the woods...

and he saw... a bear!

A big, beautiful, hunk
of female bear...

and that mean old bear all 600
pounds of her smelled danger...

hot, sweet and nasty.

>> And it didn't take long for
daddy to tear off his clothes...

except for his holster... his
spurs... and his shiny snakeskin
boots.

>> Ooh! Now daddy
was big and tall,

real big,

broad shoulders...

narrow waist,

big muscled thighs...

and a hard as rock ass!

[ Neighing ]

[ Whinnying ]

[ Grunting ]

And honey, when daddy
jumped on that she-bear,

burying his face in her fur
he whipped out his pistol fast.

>> And at that moment
thunder shook the forest!

A comet flew overhead and
lightning shot from daddy's gun!

[ Gunshots ]

>> And everything
connected cosmically!

The unnatural became natural,

and Monty Everest was conceived
in the womb of a giant she-bear,

he was born part
animal, part man...

a legend, a new hero
for the nuclear age!

[ Grunting ]

[ Rumbling ]

[ Soft piano music continues ]

[ Yelling ]

[ Timer ticking then dings ]

>> So, maybe we can see
each other sometime, huh.

[ Neighs ]

>> Why not.

During the next full moon.

>> No wait!

You never told me your name.

>> Oh yea...

Today I'm going by
the name of Lillith.

>> That's a strange name.

>> Well legend has it that
Lillith was Adam's first wife.

As you know from the bible...

Adam's second wife Eve was
created from Adam's rib,

but Lillith was the product
of Adam's masturbation...

his sperm mixed with
the mud of the earth...

and gave rise to Lillith.

But Lillith was an
independent lady...

and she resented being fucked by
Adam any time he demanded it of
her.

So she left him because she
saw herself as his equal.

>> Oh no...

You're one of those
feminists aren't you!

>> Like I said,
call me sometime...

during the next full moon.

>> Most feminists are
nothing but dykes and whores!

>> Well...

You're off your monkey bars.

You're reading a book?

Well wonders never cease.

>> I am doing research.

>> On what? The rape
of the Sabine women?

>> No smart ass on a
mythological character.

>> Who?

>> Jesus, somebody
called Lillith, ok?

>> Oh right, she was the one
created out of mud and sperm.

>> Yea!

Adam's sperm, the
father of us all.

Look, it seems Adam carried
a big boner for Lillith,

even after Eve came
into his life.

Look... says here...

Look... after Eve gave birth to
their two sons Cain and Abel...

Adam didn't screw Eve
for a 130 years?

And that during this time he
lusted after the evil Lillith,

conquered her and fathered
thousands of demons with her.

>> Isn't that funny...

Even in the bible they often
portray women as the source of
evil.

It's Eve who was responsible
for Adam's downfall,

and Delilah who
destroyed Samson.

Hey, even in the Wizard of Oz
the wicked witch is a woman.

An ugly old woman.

>> Yea.

And don't forget
Pandora's box...

I never could figure out if they
were talking about a music box
or a pussy.

All I know is women
need to be controlled!

They're always on the verge of
hysteria. Always messing things
up.

>> Here...

Eat this.

>> What is it?

>> It's a birthday cake.

Rather, a birthday pie.

It's chicken pot pie.

I baked it yesterday but I
couldn't find any candles.

>> Ah, it's a strange pie to
celebrate a birthday with
Bertin.

>> I don't think so...

I think it really suits you.

I mean a pie made out of meat...

juicy succulent meat.

I even threw in the gizzards,
you know the heart, kidney, the
liver.

>> Ah, then it's nutritious!
Good for the skin tone.

>> I wonder how they
killed the chicken...

whether they twirled its
head till it snapped...

or chopped its head off.

[ Buzzer ]

>> I'll get it...

[ Buzzer ]

[ Buzzer ]

It's the lady who
was here yesterday.

>> Didn't we already
make a donation?

>> Yea, I bought her flour...
I used it to bake your pie.

>> I'm not here
to ask for money,

I was just in the neighborhood
when it started to rain,

and I thought that I should...
>> She wants to wait here until
it stops.

>> It seems like light rain,
it'll stop soon.

>> Did you know she
works on a farm?

[ Monty laughs ]

>> What, around here?

>> Not too far from here.

>> Yea, there's
something about you...

I don't know what but you're
face stands out from long ago.

>> Long ago?

>> You've eaten
most of your pie...

Don't you know it's bad
luck not to have

others taste a piece of
your birthday pie?

>> Shut up.

So... were you raised on a farm?

>> Many farms, like
a barn yard animal.

>> It's Monty's birthday today,
he's 35. >> Twenty-nine.

>> Every year he
gets younger by six.

>> Happy birthday.

I knew a boy once...

He was very athletic
looking like you.

His body throbbed with
the power of a stallion.

He'd gallop naked
on his horse...

beneath darkened farm windows,

enticing young girls
to ride with him.

>> She's a poet you know...

>> Yea, she sounds like one.

The way she talks is all...
>> Florid!

>> Yea, fancy.

>> All of her poetry has been
published. >> Ooh... under what
name?

>> Anonymous.

>> Look, why don't you go study.

It's getting late.

>> Smart boy isn't he.

>> Yea...

I expect great things of him.

We're a team you know...

Hey my arm!

>> What's the matter?

>> I don't know, a sharp pain
just cut through my arm.

Nothing, it's gone away now.

>> It's a shame he's been
deprived of a mother.

>> Yea, well I've
made up for that.

>> Yea, in many ways
he's like a father...

>> Yes.

>> Yea, you do look familiar.

I knew a girl once worked,
lived on a farm.

God, my back!

I'm getting shooting pains in my
arms, my legs, I'm getting
shooting pain!

>> Was the remembrance
of her that painful?

>> No.

The pie.

>> What!

>> The pie...

The pie is what's giving
you all the pain.

>> Bertin, Bertin, I
can't move my arms!

>> Vanilla extract...

first two drops, then
the whole bottle.

>> The whole bottle?
You gave him the whole bottle!

>> Oh God my toes feel
like they're gonna fall off!

>> Ah, a snap! I feel something
snapping, snapping in the back
of my head!

>> Your occipital condyles
are deteriorating!

>> I put something in your pie!

>> But Bertin! I
can't move at all!

>> Toxic... vanilla... extract.

In your chicken pot pie.

In your birthday pie.

>> He's sweating, a lot.

>> My veins, arteries feel like
rubber bands twisting around!
Ah!

[ Yelling ]

[ Yelling ]

>> Yea... it clogs your pores!

And eventually
causes suffocation.

>> Remember this Monty?

Daddy was a cowboy.

That hooker was my
birthday gift to you.

On your very special day.

I lent her my name.

Lillith.

>> Why!

God, why!

>> Your body when you
were young, only a boy.

I'd never seen such a body.

It was bursting with all kinds
of life and I wanted you!

>> It's your face from long ago.

>> Such a complicated
jigsaw puzzle isn't it Monty?

And my face is the final
piece of the puzzle,

that will complete the
design of your...

of our...

lives.

>> It is you isn't it!

But I thought...

>> You thought what Monty?

>> Dead.

>> That I was dead!

No just hidden away like
some insect under a rock!

>> Monty...

I know everything now. The
revelation was part of the
recipe.

It was hidden in the list of
ingredients that went into your
chicken pot pie.

>> It was the only way I could
let you know about... him and
me.

>> It was like trying to
decipher the dead sea scrolls...

I got it.

I finally got it.

It was at the part where I mixed
the... three eggs into the
flour.

At first I thought I was reading
the name of some exotic herbs,

but then the words
rearranged themselves,

as they revealed to me
who my parents really are.

Lillith... my mother?

Monty my father?

That's when I poured the whole
bottle of vanilla extract into
the flour.

>> It was the only way I could
let you know about him and me.

>> it's ok.

I wasn't shocked to
learn the truth.

I think in my dreams I always
knew you weren't really my
brother.

>> I may...

>> Your scarf.

Whenever I hold it close to
me it makes me feel safe.

Now I know why.

You're my mother.

[ Yelling ]

No, no, no! You can't die now.

I need some snapshots of
parents, three skulls must be
matched.

>> Bertin, Bertin! Our plan,
our existence together...

What about graduate school!

>> You gave me up at birth!

>> I claimed you later!

>> Yea, after you found
out I had a genius IQ!

That's why you took me
out of the orphanage!

Dada, googoo, gaga...

Papa... Father!

>> Bertin, Bertin!

I gave you up at
first because...

I was too young to
be your father!

I was just a kid.

>> You were conceived on
the haunches of a cow.

He took and felt my body on
the haunches of a cow!

[ Sound of her whelping,
him grunting ]

[ Cow mooing ]

>> Jesus Christ!

The pain!

>> Not like the pain
stabbing at my breasts,

they were swollen with so much
milk and there was no infant to
feed on them!

At birth you were taken away
from me, I was older than
Monty...

so your granny said
it was all my fault,

that I was the rapist...

I was the witch...

I was the seductress, the siren
that lured her son to his doom!

And so,

to protect her Monty,

she committed you,

the product of our union...

to an orphanage.

And me...

to that farm.

To feel,

the slime,

and the moist heat of cows.

Monty's trying to speak
but his jaw's locking.

>> His muscles are sagging,

they're all deflated...

they're turning pulpy.

>> His tongue is wagging.

>> What is it father?

Our existence together...

My degrees?

Your future position...

as dean of the
athletic department?

What, what? Speak!

Speak!

>> Are my muscles
really sagging?

>> Yep.

Nothing but mush.

[ Thunder clap ]

>> He's dead.

[ Cawing ]

>> Monty's dead!
Monty's dead! Monty's dead!

>> I think I'll have my
diploma laminated...

and use it for the
tombstone on his grave.

>> But we're young, both of us.

[ Soft piano music ]

>> I have a mother now.

>> Yes.

And I'm still young...

>> Maybe I could call you sis.

>> Look at Monty.

[ Sound of stretching
and cracking ]

Oh my God.

Look.

His cock is springing to life.

>> Damn.

>> Caw! Monty has a boner!
Monty has a boner! Caw!

>> Is it possible rigor mortis
has set in so soon?

>> Yes, of course!
It's Monty's spirit!

It refuses to leave this
plain of existence!

It's taken possession of his
cock! We must hold a seance,

and try and communicate with
the spirit of Monty's cock!

[ Dramatic music ]

His death mask is finished.

>> Wow.

It looks cruel and monstrous.

>> It's a mirror of his soul.

You understand the purpose of
the seance? >> I think so.

>> We must release Monty's
spirit from this flesh,

and send it to the astral plain.

The astral plain though not
visible to the eye is part of
our physical world,

and extends beyond it.

>> Are you serious?

Knowing Monty,

there's no way that you could
get his soul to vacation in the
astral plain.

Let alone take up
residence there.

I mean...

Check out where the stud
king has decided holiday.

>> Ok.

Let's get started.

In the name...

of the universal forces...

I command...

the spirit of Monty,

to liberate itself from
its fleshy prison,

namely Monty's cock.

I command you to leave the
source of your earthly desires!

>> The son of a
bitch won't leave.

>> Monty's spirit is earthbound.

>> More like dick bound.

>> The pleasures of the flesh
are too overwhelming for him to
give up.

>> No. I've had it with Monty!

He's got to get
out of our lives,

the son of a bitch has
gotta be dead and stay dead!

>> Stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Bullets can't kill it,
it's Monty's spirit!

A spirit trapped in flesh.

Ok...

Look.

Monty...

You dumb motherfucker, get the
fuck out of your dead dick, now!

>> Yea!

>> Or I will condemn you...

to the outer regions of hell...

and damn you to reincarnate into
the loneliest biological form.

Get out you asshole!

[ Dramatic music ]

[ Sound of steam hissing ]
>> It worked.

Monty's soul's finally gone!

You did it.

[ Sound of singing ]

[ * Ave... Maria... ]

[ * Ave... Maria... ]

[ * Ave... Maria... ]

[ * Gratia plena ]

[* Maria, gratia plena ]

[* Maria, gratia plena ]

[ * Ave, ave dominus ]

>> Bye dad.

[ * Dominus tecum ]

[ * Benedicta tu
in muli eribus * ]

[ * Et benedictus ]

[ * Et benedictus
fructus ventris * ]

[ * Ventris tuae, Jesus ]

[ * Ave Maria ]

[ * Amen... ]

>> I crave fires,

I light them whenever I can...

huge devouring flames.

Their white heat
caressing my flesh.

It's more exciting than
being touched by hands.

Bertin, I have
something to show you.

>> What?

>> A surprise.

>> When?

>> Come to me.

Take the veils off my head.

>> Huh?

>> The veils... take them off.

What do you see?

>> Woah.

[ Dramatic music ]

>> Study me Bertin...

I am a dancing...
[ Indistinct speech ]

Look at my breasts.

They bob like a pair of
frightened bloodshot eyes.

>> Her arms have become
hissing serpents.

>> Watch my hands open.

See the snakes mouths
vomiting eggs.

And from out of these cracked
shells terrified faces peak out.

>> Your navel...

your navel twitches like the
dead white eye of a blind baker.

>> And my vulva sweaty pie...

curls like lips kissing the
slaughtered remains of demon
lovers!

>> Your long legs jerk like the
bloody stumps on a butchered
body.

>> Ooh baby love...

my jelly smooth buttocks shaped
like the cheeks of Satan's
laughing face.

Ooh... suga!

I am a regular night,
on bald mountain!

>> Why shouldn't... you're a
regular night on bald mountain.

>> Bertin.

My body will soon be washed
clean of those divine
illustrations.

[ Dramatic music ]

Chronus was one of the
gods of Greek mythology,

and he castrated his father,

by holding his genitals
in his left hand.

And from then on the left
hand... has become known...

as the hand of ill omen.

[ Exclaiming ]

>> Oh look, it invokes a terror
that makes body and soul
tremble.

And in her fist... she
clutches a sword...

dripping bitter
drops of blood...

Lillith.

My mother.

Lillith.

The avenging angel.

>> And easy lies the head
who wears the crown.

We'll dispose of Monty's body...

at the farmer's
cooperative I work for.

We'll bury his arms and his legs
in the garden where we grow
organic melons...

and his head...

[ Rooster crowing ]

We'll plant Monty's head
in the cabbage patch...

I always had a yearn for stuffed
cabbage if it's done right.

It's all in the seasoning...

and the way that the
meat is chopped.

[ Ominous music ]

[ Dramatic music ]

[ Upbeat 80's pop style music
with dialogue from the movie ]