Flesh Gordon (1974) - full transcript

Emperor Wang (the Perverted) is leader of the planet Porno and sends his mighty "Sex Ray" towards Earth, turning everyone into sex-mad fiends. Only one man can save the Earth, football player Flesh Gordon. Along with his girlfriend Dale Ardent and Professor Flexi-Jerkoff, they set off towards the source of the Sex Ray, unaware of the perils that face them!

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Good evening Mr. and Mrs.
North and south America,

and all our ships at sea, let's
get a fresh flesh... -Flash!

Congress today has called
an emergency session,

but as yet no one has shown up.

And the president refuses
to issue a statement,

having locked himself
and the vice president

in his bath-room
early this morning.

However, the first lady
urges all, and I quote,

"seek comfort in
the Bible," unquote.

A bulletin just in,
the world's top scientists

are holding a conference
in Washington, D.C.,

awaiting a statement
from professor Gordon,

world authority on animal
behavior and renowned physicist.

Gentlemen, we are
in big trouble.

Sex madness perils planet!

Extra! Read all about it!

Sex madness perils planet!

Get it now, read all about it!

Sex madness perils planet!

Hey, scram you horny jerks!


As I have told you,
we are in big trouble.

I think there is no need
for me to describe to you

the incredible chaos
our beloved planet

has been plunged into.

Of the disgrace-ful acts
which are being committed

at this very moment!

In every apartment,
on every street corner,

or on the rooftops!

In grass huts in the jungle,
in igloos in the arctic.

In airports, in markets,

in movie houses, in the parks!

Yes, we are in big trouble.

Doctor Gordon...

All of us here are aware
of the total degradation

that has overcome the masses,

but what are we
going to do about it?

What is causing it?

Now I say it's a virus and
we must find a vaccine for it!

It is not a virus,

any fool can see it's
a case of mass hypnosis!

Hypnosis... ha!
I've done research

and traced the cause to
cans of bad passover tuna.

Tuna fish, tuna fish!

This guy's got
Mercury on his brain!


Gentlemen, we must be calm!

Future generations are depending
on decisions made here today.

Now, I have discovered
three things about this madness.

Number one, not all
areas are affected.

Look around you, are anyone
of you sexually aroused?

Yes, ha-ha-hal

anyone of you, huh? No!

Not all areas have
been affected.

Number two, my son,
who has been rep-resenting

United States at the tenth
international ice hockey

playoffs in Tibet,

has discovered what appears
to be a great beam of light

proceeding from some
far off planet

whose appearance is simultaneous

with the first
occurrence yesterday.

Number three,
I discovered my wife...

In bed with the garbage man.

But what about
your son, professor?

Did he find anything else out?

Yes professor, what are
you holding back from us?

What's the scoop?

My son is at this very moment,

'on his way back to this country
and as soon as he has landed...

We shall all find out.







Mable towers, mable towers,

we're experiencing foul weather.


Oh, oooh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

Is this your first flight?
My first drink.

It's a terrible storm,

do you think we're
going to make it?

Don't worry.

These new fordent trimotors are
the safest things in the sky.

My name is Dale ardor,
what's yours?

Flesh. Flesh Gordon.

Oh, professor Gordon's son?

Why yes.

Sir, look out!

Control yourself, Dale!

Control yourself, Dale! Dale!

Con-control yourself, Dale!

Sir, I've got a giant boner!

Well slap the damn thing down.

I can't!

I've got to keep this
thing under control.

I can't!

Mable towers, mable towers.

You got two horny
son-of-a-bitches here.

We're signing off.

Dale! There's no one
at the controls!

The plane's going down!

Go down, go down!

Oh yes, oh yes. Oh, flesh.

Flesh! Flesh!

Oh, flesh!


Let me go!


Flesh... oh!


Dale. We'll have to bail out.

Flesh, oh my god, ooh.

Oh my god!

Just hold on!

I can't hold anymore!

Ooohhh. Oh!


Flesh, mmm.


Dale, darling,
are you all right?

You called me "darling."

Oh, flesh, what's happening?

- Can you walk?
- I think so.

Here, put this on.


Flesh, what's that?

Come on, maybe we can
get to a telephone there.


Not another step further.

I know what you've
come here for.

But you're not going to get it.

Look, I don't know
who you think we are,

but this girl's hurt, and we
gotta get to a telephone.

You see, we were flying along
in this airplane from Tibet,

when suddenly we were hit by
this sex ray from outer space.

And this unrestrained
sex orgy ensued,

which both of
the pilots joined in.

When I noticed the plane
was going down,

I took over the controls

but they broke off in my hand.

So you see the young lady,

nearly overcome
with sex madness,

and myself, bailed out just
before the plane crashed.

And we landed just over there.

Do you take me for a fool?

Do you think I don't know
you've come here to steal

the secret plans to
my new interstellar,

hydrocombustion, miracle
patented, micro-teflon,

nuclear, gamastaddle

Which was twenty
years in the making.

And employs a new
updraft design,

which lifts the ship
on small spirals

of synthetic strontium pellets.

Do you think I don't know that!

Well, I've never
even heard of it.

So you're barking up
the wrong tree.

Come here, young lady.

I would like to conduct
a little experiment,

you see there's evidence that
exposure to the sex ray,

increases the size of
the secondary...

- Jerkoff!
- What?

Flexi jerkoff, I thought
I recognized you.

Why... why you must be flesh,

professor Gordon's son.

I was wondering why you knew
so much about the sex ray.

Come, let me show you the ship.

Gosh, let me introduce you.

Dale ardor, this is
doctor flexi jerkoff.

How do you do?

So you see, I've actually
discovered which planet

the sex ray is coming from,

and fortunately, the straddle
ship was ready just in time.

Oh, you can't know what
it was like, out here,

all alone when the sex ray hit.

It was hell!

Fortunately, the rocket was
completed before that happened,

and the design was
not influenced.

You look so funny.


Oh, the likeness is incredible.

I was able to get
most of the parts

from the sears catalogue.

And you really think
it will make it to

the outer reaches of
the solar system?

It's got to.

It's the last hope humanity has.

Flesh... Dale...

Will you come with me?

It will be a dangerous trip,

and I don't know what we're
likely to encounter out there,

but someone has
got to save the earth

from the treacherous
clutches of that evil ray.

What do you think, Dale?

Flesh, let's do it.

Sure, why not,
we'll give it a try.


The planet's orbit will
bring it closest to the earth

in approximately...

Six minutes!

And there's much
work to be done.

Come, follow me.


Where do you want these, doc?

Right over there
flesh, storage bin c.


What's this gizmo do, doc?

Don't touch that dial!

I had an assistant once
who touched that dial.

Touch that dial.

Gee doc, you really
got a lot of neat stuff.

Did it take you a long time
to put it all together?

Don't bother me now,
flesh, it's almost ready.

Get the door.

Which button, doc?

That one.


- Ready, Dale?
- Ready, flesh.

All right, hang on.
We're taking off.

Fire rocket one.


Fire rocket two.



Hang on now,

we're going through
the moronosphere.




Look, Dale!

The moon!

The earth!

Oh, it's beautiful.


Wow! I can see the Great Lakes!

There's lake Ontario,
lake Michigan,

lake superior...

What is it, Dale?

The sex ray,
we're heading right for it,

change course quick!

It's... it's jammed, flesh,
I can't move it!

Let me try!


Another episode like
that, and I'll be ready

for the old folk's home.


Hey doc, what sort of planet
does it look like to you?

Definitely inhabited, flesh.

No natural force could
have affected us

the way that sex ray did.

And look at those green
areas over there...

It's probably forest
or jungle, I should think.

And those are desert
areas over there.

This planet even has
frigid polar regions,

not unlike those of earth.

Let's have a closer look,
shall we.


Hang on, we're going down.


Forgive me, your protuberance,

but at this moment an
alien ship approaches porno.

Probably the earth people.

Bring the ship down,

but I want the earthlings
brought to me unharmed.


Yes, your protuberance.


Not too close, look!

Do you suppose they're friendly?


The starboard
gammamodulator's been hit!

- I'll fix it.
- Oh no!

I can't control the ship, flesh!

- Hold on, jerkoff!
- Do something, flesh!

I think we're going to crash.

Oh! Oh, no,
what's going to happen?

Hurry, flesh!

I'm hurrying, jerkoff,
I'm hurrying!

Save us!


I'm trying to!

Hurry flesh!

We're in deep trouble flesh.

Ah, come on, jerkoff!

Oh, flesh, do something!

- Hurry!
- Dale, quick!

Give me a Bobby pin! Come here!

Here's one!


Save us.

Jerkoff, I think I've fixed it!

- Oh, god!
- You're right.

She's beginning
to respond to the controls.

All right now, hang on.

Hold on Dale.

The ship's falling apart!

- Hold on, Dale!
- I'm holding on.

I'm taking her down.



Dr. jerkoff, Dr. jerkoff!

Are you all right?

Oh, flesh. I think so.

Is the ship badly
damaged, flesh?

I don't know, let's go
outside and have a look.


Oh, Dale.

Just a moment, I think
I have something here.

For, uh... yes.

It was my mother's.
She was buried in it.

Good, there's oxygen
on this planet.

This is the strangest
place I've ever seen.

I wonder why they didn't
send the welcoming committee?

They did, look!

Quick, into that cave!


Sist and decease!


Quick, in here!


Hep, hep, hep.

Hep, hep, hep.

Left, left, left.

You men search over there.

Left, left, left...

They'll be coming back.

Let's go this way,
maybe there's another way out.


It's so strange in here.

Flesh, it almost looks alive.

What is it, flesh?

I'm not quite sure.


And what unusual
formations and textures.

Why, this is like no
rock known to science.


It's not hard like a rock,



great galaxies!

What is it doc?

Some species of penisaurus,
I should think.

This way!


Jerkoff! She'd down!

What... oh, oh!

Better get this, jerkoff.

Oh, you beast, get away from me!

You stink!

All right, flesh.

Stand aside.

Oh, no!


Left, left, left...

Ah, ha.



What was that?

The earth people.
It came from down there.

After them. - Run.


there they are.


Take the earthlings alive.
Tie them up.

- I got dibs on the girl.
- The blonde giant's mine.

Leave the bearded one for me.



Your sickness, we have
captured the earth people,

and await your command.

The earth people, eh?

Bring them to me at once.

Fetch the earth people here!

His sickness will
seeeee theeemmmm!

Stop shouting, you dildo.


Why have you come
to the planet porno?

To destroy the terrible
sex ray that has brought

chaos to our
beloved planet earth.

I should think
you'd be thanking me.

But no matter.

No power in the universe
can ever hope to squelch

the infinite force
of my sex beam.

But why must you do this thing?

The earth is a peaceful planet

and poses no threat to you!

I'll tell you later.

But, how did you get here?

The straddle ship I constructed.

A scientist, eh?

I could use a brain like yours.


Take him to the laboratory
and show him what to do.

No, no, no!


Bring the earth woman closer.

No! No!

By the goddess yumi,
you are beautiful!

My eyes have never beheld
such loveliness.

You shall be my bride!


ohhhh, she is exquisite,

she is exquisite.

Take your filthy,
vellow hands off her!

Don't touch her, I'll kill you!

Silence! Get him off me!

Take him!

Take him to the sex depletor
and bring me his essence!

It should add immeasurably
to the pleasure

of our wedding night.


The blonde giant
shall not be depleted.

Amora. As queen of darkness,

and guardian of
the sacred power pasties,

you have the privilege
to spare him only

if he survives
the torture I ordain.

I sentence him to
trial by ordeal.

So be it, then, wang.

But if he survives, he's mine!

To the arena with him!







To the depletor with him!

He's mine, he's mine, he's mine,

he's mine, he's mine!

After them, you ninnies!


Sleep now, and forget.

Forget all.

We shall love, and my body...

Will be linked
forever with yours.

When you awake, you shall
be my king of darkness.



Oh, Gordon...


Your protuberance, we have
spotted queen amora's ship

over the forest kingdom.

Shoot them down,
and bring them to me!

But your assholiness,

the forest people and we
are sworn enemies.

We could not survive
a landing in this realm.

Are you afraid of
a few vegetables?

I gave you my orders!

I will be obeyed!

Yes, degenerate one.

Make ready for the ceremony!

Porno shall have
a new queen tonight.

Out of my way, dildo!

Guard, I need your help.

Here, hold that.

This, hold that too...

And this also, please...

And just one more thing,

that's it.

Very good.

Put up your hands!


Down, please.


Give me the keys.



Oh, come in me!

Damn, you magnificent giant.

Come, come, come!

And bind us forever in darkness.






- W...
- A

- n...
- G.

Emperor wang is the one for me,

without him, the planet porno,

would be ever so forlorno.

Francis newberry.




Flesh! I thought you were amora.

This is all I could
find to wear.

How'd you get away
from wang's palace?

When I discovered wang's
plan to destroy amora's ship,

I overpowered the guard
with a radium gas

I developed in wang's

And, disguising
myself as a pirate,

followed the bomber ship and
swooped down to rescue you.

What about Dale?

Even at this very moment,
the ceremony which will render

Dale and wang man and wife
draws ever nearer

its fateful conclusion.

It's no use, flesh.

Alone, we would be
powerless to stop it.

Flesh, look!

I had led an evil life.

And my thoughts have
arisen from the seeds

of darkness and greed.
Take these stones.

These are the source
of my power.

And with them, destroy wang

and his insidious schemes.

These, my power pasties,

are the only force that
can stop the sex beam.

Once accomplished, earthlings,

my spirit shall at
last rest in peace.

She was a noble woman, flesh.

Took a lot of guts.

She was a brave scout.

Come on, doc, we haven't
got much time to lose.

Wait a minute doc,
I can't go like this,

I feel silly.
Don't worry, flesh.

I think I've got something
for you in the ship.

Come on, jerkoff,
we've got to stop wang!

- All right, flesh.
- Come on!

Oh please.

Left, left, left, left...


I eft...

There they are!


You may...

Kisssss the bride.

Ahhh, ha-ha...

Come here, my little bottle cap.

Get away from me
you slimy snail!



That's all for this
rancid affair, you Turkey!


The wedding's over, wang!

After them, you dildos!



The pasties, jerkoff!


All right, wang, where is she?

What have you done with Dale?

So help me if you lay
a hand on her I'll...

You're too late, you fool!

She was spirited away
barely a breath

before love's first kiss.

I have been robbed of my
beautiful virgin bride.

Shall I give it
to him now, flesh?

Not now doc,
he's been through enough.

If you find her,
tell her I love her!

Stop fighting me foolish
woman, I'm trying to save you!


I have brought the earth girl.

Follow me.


No, no, where are you taking me!

No, no, take me back to flesh.

I no!



The earth girl.

We've been hoping you'd drop in,

ever since we heard of your
opposition to emperor wang.

But, perhaps I should explain.

Am chief Nellie.

Commander of the vast
and powerful

Amazon underground of porno.

An organization solely
devoted to the over-throw

of wang and his corrupt
male chauvinist regime.

But what does that
have to do with me?

Our spies have been
watching you closely,

because of your determined
and flagrant dislike

of wang and his cohorts...

We, uh, have decided to
initiate you into our ranks.

But I want the earthman,
flesh Gordon.

You will be of more
use here with us.

No! No...


Wait, what are you doing?

I've gotta get back to flesh!



Ranks in formation,
for selection inspection.

Mmm, very nice face,
very pretty.

Nice nipple.
Ohhhh, yes, mmm-mmmbh...

Pretty hair, nice, shiny...

What are you doing
to your nipples, zerig?

They look very nice. Very nice.

Face is nice...
Turn around, let's see.

Bend over, let's see.

Oh, yeah, real nice.

Very nice. Nice bottom.

Mmmm, no! No good.

Step forward.

Oh excellent, excellent,
prepare yourself, you'll do.

No, no! Oh!


Flesh! Flesh!

No! Get away!

Flesh! No! No!

Get away! Get away!


Flesh! Flesh!

Flesh! Nol


I heard Dale... she's in
some sort of trouble.

Jerkoff, I hear Dale...
She's in some sort of trouble.


Get away! Get away!

We're in some sort of pit, doc.





Here let me try.

Try to get us outta here.

Didn't work.

Stand back, flesh.


Come on, doc.

There she is, doc.

Good lord, flesh, they're dykes!


Don't any of you
try anything now.

I've got the power pasties and
I know how to use 'em.

You, get back there
with the others.

I know your kind.

Now what were you
doing down here?

What were you doing with Dale?

Get back there!




No, no! You might hit flesh.






What happened to it, flesh?

An arrow.

A poison tipped arrow, in fact.

Whoever you are,
we owe you our lives.


I was happy to
do it, for you see...

I'm prince precious,

rightful heir to
the throne of porno.

Years ago this planet
was a veritable paradise,

but wang, a maniacal botanist,

whose organ was devoured
by a crazed penis flytrap,

could not tolerate the existence
of so much pleasure.

And so, banding together
an army of the impotent

and frustrated,
and armed with a small,

but effective, sex ray,

plunged my palace
into carnal chaos,

and took it over, exiling me,

and my few advisors,
to what is now known as

the forest kingdom.

Then you feel that, together,

we might put an end
to wang's savage reign.

And that our new cosmic
friendship might inspire

an everlasting bond
of kindness and love

between the peoples
of this planet and yours.

If there's anything
I can ever do to repay you.



Stay a while, flesh,
the fun's just beginning.

I'd like to, precious,
but I can't.

I'd better get back to the lab
with doctor jerkoff

and help him work on
the destructo beam.

Come, I'll go with you.


Oh, flesh, I was just
going to send for you.

What happened, doc?

Any scientist could
tell you, flesh.

Now, the beam is finished
and ready to be tested.

Now, if my calculations
are correct,

one blast from my device
and wang's odious sex ray

will be utterly smashed
to smithereens.

Well, how does it work, doc?

I'll show you.

First, we have to attach
the power pasties.

Let me help you.


Now, over there is a scale
model of wang's sex ray,

surrounded by an
electromagnesium force field

so impervious,
that were it not for

the energy of queen amora's
power pasties,

we could never hope
to destroy it.

Now, stand back.

Watch this.

- Wow!
- Fantastic, doctor.

That's incredible.

Congratulations. Congratulation.

It works, jerkoff.

It's the eighth
wonder of the world.

I knew it would.

Then all we have to do
is mount it in a ship.

And blow wang's
evil ray to atoms.

Then we can go home,
can't we, flesh?

With good luck,
and good weather, Dale,

we'll be home tomorrow night.

Oh, flesh.

- Let me prepare the ship.
- Yes, yes.

To the ship!


Your aloneness, the earthmen
have invented a gun,

with which they plan
to destroy our sex ray.


I have had enough
of these meddlers!

They have interfered with
the affairs of my regime

for the very last time,

and they will be stopped.

Now, listen carefully.


Doc, we're getting close
to wang's palace.

Just one more minute,
flesh, I'm almost ready.


This device has a delicate
electromagnetic balance.

Any disturbance can
blow us all to atoms!

There it is, jerkoff,
the sex ray.

It's the forest flyer,
sound the alarm!

They've spotted us,
jerkoff, get ready.


Stop him!


Get him. My pasties!


Pull the ship up, quick!


- It's stuck!
- Let me give it a try.


Flesh, we're doomed!



We've stopped falling,
what's happened?

We've fallen into
some sort of magnetic beam.

It's drawing us safely down.

But why would wang
want to save us?

He doesn't! Look!




When last seen, our hapless
heroes were about to be crunched

into oblivion by the perverted
wang's chomping jaws.

Is there no justice on porno?


Dale, this is yours.


Dr. jerkoff.

Here's one for you, flesh.


Dale, are you all right?

I'm all right, flesh.

It's really a shame
about that other guy,

stealing your pasties like that,

and he was my best boy.

What ever happened
to the other fellow?

We only had four parachutes.



Come on, we've
got to get to wang.


Come on, flesh, let's go!
Hurry up!



There he goes, after him.



Your struggles are useless!

You are trapped
and you shall not live!

I have tolerated your feeble
attempts to thwart me

for the very last time!

We have ways of dealing
with you, yankee.

See how you like
my royal flush, earthling!

- What is it?
- The floor!

Oh, no.


- There used to be one.
- That's it, earthlings.

Goodbye, Gordon. Sweet dreams.


Here it comes.


Bye, bye!

- Nice knowing you, flesh.
- Yes, it was, thank you.


J flesh Gordon is dead hey j

j flesh Gordon is dead hey j

j flesh is dead j

j Gordon is dead j

j flesh Gordon is dead j

j baby flesh Gordon is dead j


J flesh Gordon is dead j

j flesh Gordon is dead j

j flesh is dead j

j flesh is dead j

j flesh Gordon is dead j

j dead dead dead dead j


J flesh Gordon is dead j

j flesh Gordon is dead j

your lowness.

Oh-oh, great impotentate,
I have done as you commanded,

and I brought you
the power jewels.

Though the earthmen cannot
now destroy the sex beam,

they're alive and loose in
the palace...

Never mind that,

I have dealt with them already!

Give me the Jewel.

Did the nasty spy
frighten my babies?

Never mind that,

little wangy-pangy is going
to take care of you all.

Wangy favors you with a trinket,

my little peanut-butter cup.



What do you mean it's stuck?

- It's stuck!
- Stuck?

What do you mean, stuck?


. Flesh Gordon!

The Jewel, wang!
The Jewel, where is it?

Gimme that Jewel,

or so help me I'll finish
you right here and now!

Let me have him, flesh.

I've been waiting for this
moment for a long time.

The Jewel, wang, where is it?

You guess!


- Am I gettin' warm?
- Oh, very warm.

- Is it this, flesh?
- No, that's not it.


Give me that Jewel.

Give me that Jewel
this minute, do ya hear?

Ah, I can't, it's stuck.

What do you mean, it's stuck?

Gimme that Jewel!

I can't!

Idiot, you thought you
could defy me,

but you have yet to tangle
with my rapist robots.


It's stuck!


Oh, I wish I had
a picture of this.

Give me that Jewel
this minute, do ya hear?



What-a-way to go, eh, earthman?

In a flash
of mechanical ecstasy.

Flesh! Flesh!

Flesh! Flesh!


No! Nol




What do you think you're doing?

What-a-way to go, hey, wang?

You have not heard
the last of wang.


Flesh, come on,
we can't let wang get away.

Never mind wang now,

we have to get the Jewel
and save the earth.

That reminds me...

Oh, I can't, I can't!

Spit it out!

It's stuck!


A plague, a pox,
a pestilence of storm!

Anything, anything,
oh, great one!

The fate of all evil
rests in your hands!

Arise, arise, and destroy
your enemies,

and avenge the glorious
cause of perversion!


Ooh, boy.

I just love murder.

Out of my way, you little fart.


A monster's work is never done.


Oh, yeah. Mmm-mmm_


Oh, fuck.

Stop, look...


Too late now,
my imbecilic siblings!

The sex ray is too
good for your earth!

I'm going to burn
your fucking planet

to a fucking crisp!


Watch your back!



How delightful.

He's got Dale!

Quick jerkoff, use
the destructo beam to kill him!

I dare not, at this
distance there's too great

a risk of hitting Dale.

If only we could get closer.

Wait a minute, we'll
use wang's rocket ship.

Come on.


Ah, you and I are going
to be good friends.





Well, this is the tower
of murder,

and it's where I hang out.

Oh, oh, no.

Are you having a good time?


Come on, jerkoff.

Ooh, flesh!

Flesh, save me.

God, it's high.



Yes, you're incredible.

I wonder how
you'd look in black...


What do you think of that, hmm?

Hmm? Huh?





I just want
to look at your tits.

There she is, doc.


Hey, they're getting serious.

Okay, doc, get ready.

Ready, flesh.


Doc, you missed!

I know I missed. I'll get him.

Well, I never.


Up yours, Gordon.

Oh, wow, uhf, pain.

And now, you get...


Get away.

My ass.

My ass.

Pain, humiliation. Hemorrhoids.


- Dale, are you all right?
- Oh, flesh.


Let's do it fast, flesh!

For this you'll pay.

No one burns my ass
and lives to get laid.

Oh, shit!



- Goodbye, jerkoff.
- Goodbye, prince.

And Dale.

- Goodbye flesh.
- Precious.

We'll miss you around here.

Don't worry, precious,
I'll be back,

and next time it'll
be a friendly visit.

With wang out of the way and
his terrible regime dispersed,

the universe is once again safe
for democracy and freedom,

and the right
of all due happiness,

each according
to his own personal

religious convictions.


Goodbye, flesh.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Bye.
- Have a safe journey.

- It's been grand.
- Yes.

We'll see you. Goodbye.

Goodbye, precious.

Be sure and write us.

Take care precious.

- Okay, see ya.
- Be good.

- Bye now.
- So long.




There she is, the earth.


Oh, flesh, there's no
place like home.