First Family (1980) - full transcript

Bob Newhart stars as President Manfred Link in this zany, wonderfully cast comedy from veteran funnyman Buck Henry (Heaven Can Wait, The Graduate). - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
[Manfred on TV]
'And so, my fellow Americans'

'allow me in closing,
to emphasize once again'

'that the aims and purposes
of this administration'

'are the aims and purposes
of all our citizens.'

'Men, women and children'

'regardless of sex'

'regardless of color.'

'Black, white, red, yellow'

'and all of the equally
attractive shades in between.'

'Let us remember
always that we can'

'and will accomplish
these goals'

'because our purpose
and our resolve'

'are derived
from an unshakable belief'

from a benevolent power

worshipped by all of us
under many names.

And through whose all-seeing

I shall humbly say

[instrumental music]

[man on TV]
Ladies and gentlemen

this has been
a nationwide address

by President Manfred Link
coming to you directly

from the Oval Office.

For a printed transcript
of tonight's speech

please send 25 cents

and a stamp
self-addressed envelope

to "Mr. President,
White House, Washington DC."

[indistinct murmuring]

We are back
in our Washington studio.

We've just heard
President Link's

State of the Union address

and here with me

to lend us
his personal observations

on the President's speech

is Senator William
"Wild Bill" Hubley.

Welcome, senator.

Thank you, Howard.

Senator Hubley,
what is your perception

of how the President's speech
will be received by Congress?

Well, Howard, I dowant to study
the President's remarks a bit

before I try and second guess
my colleagues on the hill

but, but I think
I can safely say

that it's a "good news,
bad news" situation.

And what is the good news,

Well, the good news is that
the President is quite obviously

in firm control of a number
of tricky situations

both on the national
and the international scene.

'And what's the bad news?'

Well, frankly speaking,
in terms of implementing

any of the programs
that he's outlined

I think and and I mean
this is no disrespect

toward our fine citizens
of oriental extraction

uh, that the President hasn't
got a Chinaman's chance.

Of course,
we have to point out

that you do represent
the opposition party.

Oh, yes,
but the loyal opposition.

I am not in agreement,
for instance

with my great good friend
Senator Bailor.

Yes, I believe he referred
to President Link

as a "depraved halfwit."

Yes, he did
and I-I think

that could be called

The President
is nota depraved halfwit.

- 'He is not, you say?'
- Oh, certainly not.

Of course, that's the kind
of exaggeration we can expect

in an election year
but halfwit, no.

Depraved, I seriously doubt it.

[door slams open]

'It has been suggested
that the members of your party'

'have been doing
everything they can'

'to see
that the president's problems'

'are never re-provoked.'

Who is it?

'You and your congressman'

'have been using every possible
means at your disposal..'



Bye. It was nice meeting you.

'Is that fair?'

[man on TV]
'Well, Howard, I don't know
what you mean by fair'

'but you have to remember'

'a number of hard facts
about politics.'

'Not the least among them
being that we are spending'

'a great deal of money
to win an election'

'and-and people get really upset
if they give you a lot of money'

'and then lose.'

'That I think is..'

[engine turns over]

[tire screeches]

[siren wailing]

'And of course the president
has to face the fact'

that he's dealing
with the Congress

in which his party
is in the minority.

Uh, but, senator, the Congress
will have to face the fact

that President Link
was elected to office

by a slim
but definite majority.

Uh, yes, but that victory
must be weighed against the fact

that his opponents,
the presidential

and vice-presidential
candidates of my party

were killed in that tragic
automobile accident

three days before the election.

And it must be remembered
that nearly 30 million Americans

actually voted
for the two corpses.

[siren wailing]

Hi, Fred,
what time you get off?

'Now, tell me this, did she
still have her pants on?'

[female agent #1]
'Yes, Mr. President.'

- Where were her hands?
- 'That was hard to tell, sir.'

'The room was very dark.'

I see.

That's for the senator
from Iowa.

Oh, Mr. President,
would you save me a pen, please?

Okay, I-I would say
her hands

were in a relatively
uncompromising attitude, sir.

I see. Oh, let's make this one
the senator from Connecticut.

Mr. President?

A pen?

How exactly did she get away?

[male agent #1]
'We lost her in the crowd, sir,
at the Kennedy Center.'

'That was just after the Annual
Oldies but Goodies concert.'

Okay, no more
Oldies but Goodies.

No more concerts at all.

That's for the senator
from Texas.

Sir, the vice president
would like a pen.

If you can't do your job,
I'll find someone who can

and you'll be back
patrolling the toilets

in the State department,
is that clear?

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir, Mr. President.

Alright, now, get out of here
and go-go protect someone

or whatever it is you do.

- Yes, Mr. President.
- Absolutely, Mr. President.

[camera shutter clicks]

- I never get a pen.
- Just hold on, please.

- I just--
- Look..

This one is just like it.
Take it.

this, this is the last one.'

'Who's, who's left?'

Who didn't get the souvenir pen

with the gold embossed
presidential seal?

Mr. President?

Oh, the senator
from Rhode Island?

Come on. Come on.

[all laughing]

Well, alright,
if you don't care what I think

then you should at least
have some consideration

for your father.

Now, he has this whole country
to run, dear

and it is a very tough,
very demanding job

and he needs our help.

Don't you see, dear,
that the commander-in-chief

of the greatest armed force
in the entire free world

cannot have the people
saying that his daughter

is a nymphomaniac.

For God's sake, mom,
how can you say

I'm a nymphomaniac
when I've never even done it?

It's not what you've
done that counts, dear.

It is what people think
you've done.

Yeah, well, I-I've never even
been alone with a boy

for more than ten minutes.

I remember back when dad
was mayor, you said--

Now, you were just a child then
and it was only for a year--

Right, and then he
went into Congress

and I had to wait
for two years after that.

- You were a teenager--
- Then he gets into the Senate.

And then it's six more years--

The senator's family

must be above
and beyond reproach.

Now he's been president
for four years

and I haven't even
had a real date.

That's right, dear,
because someone like yourself

must set an example.

Mom, I am 28 years old.

And that is right.

That is right, dear

and in just a few years

a few years from today

after your father
has served out his second term

if God and the people

are sensible enough to see
that he is reelected

then we can go back home
and lead a normal life, dear

and how, but, however

until then,
we must act in accordance

with our station.

Now, you want the respect
and admiration

of the people, don't you?

- Yeah.
- Yes, of course you do.

But not as much as I wanna
do it. Just once.

Just see what it feels like.

don't talk like that, dear.

It does not suit you.

- Mom.
- Yes?

- Tell me something.
- Yes?

Do, uh, you and dad still, um.. know, do it?

We do, we..

[clears throat]
...we do it

now and then.

We do it

when our busy schedule permits.

I hate this.

I hate my life.

I wish we were like
normal people.

I wish dad were a street car
conductor or something.

Well, of course you do.

Millions and millions
of people do, dear.

But he's not, and we have
to be happy with that.

We have to be happy
with what we got.

Now, however, what about
that nice young man

who came to dinner last week
with his parents?

'What was his na.. He was
the son of the secretary'

'of something or other..'

He looks like a turnip.

He looks like a turnip, dear.

That's right, because his mother
looks like a turnip.

But looks are not everything,

He seems
like a very intelligent boy.

He's a fairy.

He is a fairy, dear,
well, t-that's because

his father's a fairy,
but that does not mean

that you cannot have a very nice
relationship...with him.

- Mom, mom.
- What?

That's not the kind of
relationship I want.

- Then what?
- I wanna be like real people.

- And what is it?
- I mean..

I just wanna put on old
comfortable clothes and stuff

and, and drive a nice
sports car down to the beach.

- A sports car?
- And run along the sand.

And maybe meet a nice,
tall, average blonde guy.

- Yes.
- Or maybe three or four.

And lie down on a blanket

and they, like, rip my clothes
off and start grabbing at me

everywhere, and I moan
and scream dirty words

and then I'm carried off
into a..

...pitch of ecstasy

and, and then we start
performing every kind of

bizarre, physical act,
rolling over and over

until we're smothered,
and I'm just trapped

in hot, male flesh,
and then I burst..

[percussive music]

[music continues]

Even if you
have to interrupt a debate

just tell the ambassador
that the delegation

from Upper Gorm has arrived.

He wants to get to them
before the Chinese.


As a position that it will be
recognized by a majority

of the distinguished members

as one of sensible
if adamant support

for the conclusions
already submitted

in the inter-committee report.


And may I suggest that, uh,
we end the apparent monotony

of the discussion by bringing
the issue to a vote?

[speaking foreign languages]

[blowing nose]

May I suggest further

that if the distinguished

has concluded his absolutely
fascinating display

of bodily eruptions

he apply his apparently limited
powers of concentration

to the...subject in hand?

[translating to Arabic]

[speaking Arabic]

May I suggest that..

[speaking Arabic]

Uh, the distinguished member

of the, uh,
United States delegation..

[continues speaking Arabic], uh, is not fit
to suck on my hat.

I'm sorry?

[speaking Arabic]

Ah, it's an old Arabic saying.

Please inform
my distinguished colleague

that such epithets
are better reserved

for the savages
he so obviously represents.

[translating to Arabic]

[speaking Arabic]

Uh, considering the, uh,
amount of oil

exported by my country
to his country..

[speaking Arabic]


'...the, uh,
American ambassador'

like his government,
knows what section of my, uh

savage anatomy...he may kiss.



Thank you.

You can tell my distinguished
colleague that he can meet me

in the parking lot
whenever he chooses

even if he is wearing a dress.

[translating to Arabic]

[speaking Arabic]



I'd rather not say, sir.

What do you mean,
you "Rather not say?"

'Well, Mr. Ambassador,
to be perfectly frank'

it was about your mother, sir.

My mother?

What about my mother?

Well, sir, he, uh,
suggests that your mother

maintained a close

intimate relationship.


Yes, sir. With a camel.

'And after the camel
killed itself in shame'

'your mother apparently
took on the..'



Sir! Sir, not here.

Don't stop me!

I'm alright.

I am able to forgive
this lack of basic civility

because I am a gentleman
and a Christian.

A Unitarian, in fact.

I'll return to the
August Chambers

when the distinguished

is prepared to apologize
for his inane remarks.

If such a concept exists

within the framework
of his alleged culture.

[thudding on door]

Cute. Cute.

[percussive music]

[music continues]

[speaking foreign language]

[indistinct speaking]

[speaking foreign language]

[music continues]

[indistinct speaking]

[instrumental music]

[tour guide]
'Move directly across the hall
into the China Room'

'where you'll be able to see
a display of tableware'

'used by various
White House families.'

'Of course,
that was Army Chief-of-Staff'

'Randall Dumpston.'

'Now, please,
don't touch any of these'

'invaluable items
of historical significance'

'and kindly refrain from sitting
on the antique chairs'

'or walking on the premises..'

Uh, good morning, general.

Please inform Mr. Feebleman
I'm here.

Yes, sir. Uh, General Dumpston
is here to, uh..

'General. Excuse me.
Just a minute. If I..'

- Good morning, general.
- you, Quincy.


What the hell happened
at United Nations this mornin'?

I assume you're talking
about Ambassador Spender's

failure to get a favorable vote

in the Natural Resources

Yeah, Ambassador Spender

that Harvard-educated dimwit.

He had a firm majority
of one vote.

He blew it
because he lost control

of a maniac wearin' a bed sheet.

That vote is not conclusive.

It can brought up again
in the general council

when and if Ambassador Spender

What the hell is that?

Uh, that is rope made
out of sheets knotted together.

I can see that, Feebleman.

- Barbara.
- 'Yes, sir?'

Please inform security
that Gloria is taking

another shot at the wall.

'Right away, sir.'

Now, as I was saying, general

I assume you know
that the ambassador

from the newly emergent
nation of Upper Gorm

presented his credentials
to the secretary general today.

- Are you cognizant to the fact?
- I'm cognant.

- Upper Gorm is the key.
- To what?

See if you can follow me,

You like to, uh, fly your
planes, and sail your boats.

- Ships.
- Ships. I'm sorry.

And operate your wonderful new
sophisticated weapon systems.

Well, in order to do that

you need the following
raw material.

Titanium, manganese, tungsten

beryllium, zinc and cobalt.

- Are you listening, general?
- Yeah, zinc, cobalt. Go on.

In order to procure these items

produced primarily
in those African nations

the names of which
no one can seem to remember

the president has put forward
his well-publicized

"Share and share alike" program.

'They send us
the above mentioned material'

we, in turn, provide them
with liberal amounts of rayon

Coca Cola syrup,
musical instruments

TV repair manuals

costume jewelry

and many many other
very nice things.


'But that program
went down the tube'

'with the vote this morning.'

'Here's the point.'

The ambassador is arriving here
this afternoon

by special presidential


According to the UN protocol,
the ambassador takes a seat

on the Natural Resources Council

the Arab moves up
to the committee

on international monetary

'Just keep goin'.'

We have our swing vote.

Now, what's to keep him
from throwin' in

with the rest of his buddies
and giving us

the well-known African shaft?

We are going to roll out
the red carpet.

The President himself
is going out to the airport

to meet him and his group

and then bring them
all back here.


They're staying here?
At the White House?

That's right. After a brief tour
of lovely downtown Washington.

Trust me, Randy,
we know what we're doing.

We've got it all worked out.


I'll go along with you
on this one.

We would appreciate that.
We really would.

Incidentally, what are you gonna
be wearing tonight?

What the hell are you
talking about now?

There'll be a gala affair here
at the White House tonight

in honor of Ambassador Longo.

The ambassador requested
a costume party.

I'll be damned
if I'll wear a costume.

The theme of the evening
is American holidays.

'Titanium, general.'

Manganese and tungsten.

Think tungsten.

Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

No, you..

[instrumental music]

It arrives at 4:27.

- What does?
- The plane, Mr. President.

The plane with Ambassador Longo
inside of it.


No. No.

Will you be wanting
Press Secretary Bunthorne

to handle this evening's affair

in any special way
with the press?


Well, where is he?

- Who, sir?
- Press Secretary Bunthorne.


- Right here, sir.
- Good.

Um, try to handle this, uh..

situation in the usual way,

Can I leak something?

- Yes.
- Can I confirm something?

- Yes.
- Can I deny something?

Yes, yes, yes. Just, uh..

Try to make it look like we're
glad to have a lot of-lot of

black people
in the-in the White House.

Like we're, um..





Yes. Yes. Thank you.

Thank you.

She, uh,
she forgot her camera.

'Thank you.'

'Thank you.'

Are, uh, are you two going, uh

going with me
to the airport?

No, sir.

'Does the commander have to go
with me to the airport?'

You know he does, sir.

He has the code, sir.

'Thank you.'

[no audio]

- 'Thank you.'
- She's coming.

- Whoa! Look out.
- Oh.

'Thank you.'

She's alright.
She's alright.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]




[snaps finger]

[speaking foreign language]

I'm sorry?

[speaking foreign language]

Say, pachu-man-chika.

"Chu-jo, pachu-ju, pachu-lab,

Here we are, pachu-man-chika.

"A complex term leading
to the appeasement

"of the Gormese divinity Chi

"the deity responsible
for the safety of travelers

in the form of human sacrifice."


[door opens]

[wind gusting]

[door closes]


[airplane whirring]

[instrumental music]

[camera shutter clicks]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Mr. Ambassador, I..

[African percussive music]

[music continues]

It is, uh, it is so good
of you to, uh, to visit us

here in Washington
on such short notice.

Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Mrs. Link.

For you.

May I have peas
instead of beans?


I, uh, I trust,
your President Kalundra

is in good health.

Thank you. I'd rather walk
to school in the morning.


Well, uh..

We're-we're actually like you
to say a few words

to the-to the greeting party.

Thank you.

My gums are swollen.


[mike screeches]

Just, just a second.

What the hell is this?

They threw one out
of the plane.

What in the hell
is he talking about?

Pachu-man-chika,sir. Pachu-man-chika.

What in the hell
are you talking about?

He must've landed
around here somewhere.

Spender, I'm asking you
a question.

The bath water is too hot
in January.

What in the Christ's name
is he babbling about?

Oh, well, he seems to have
learned a little English

he knows from a phrase book.

He doesn't make any sense,

Yes, sir, he seems
to have memorized phrases

somewhat arbitrarily.

What about the others?

[speaking foreign language]

Hello. Hello.

Do, uh, any of them
speak English?

No, sir.

What you're telling me
is what we have here

is a bunch of
very important visitors

with whom
we must communicate

on some very vital matters
of international interest.

And we are stuck
after we say, "Hello."

Is that about
the size of it?

I don't it's quite
that severe a problem, sir.

You don't.

Ambassador Longo.

Up your ass.

That sweater is too expensive.

You don't consider that severe?

- Manfred, what is this--
- Go away.

Yes, sir. Yes.

How did you get them
this far?

One hundred handy
Upper Gormese phrases.

Who compiled this?

We're trying to track him down
now, sir.

We believe he's somewhere
in Washington working

in computer research.

- Get him.
- Yes, sir.

Oh, this, uh..

This is a beautiful box.

No, dear.


Well, this, this is very nice.

It's a-it's a rock.

It's a very nice rock.

[speaking Gormese]

How's-how's that?

[shouting in Gormese]


Well, uh, okay.

I-I would like you to, um.. ride, ride

'with me to the White..'

White, White, uh, House.

[airplane passing]

It's being handled, sir.

The church be open until
precisely 12:00 midnight.

'Yes. Yes indeed.'

[device beeping]

[instrumental music]

Is this your first visit
to Washington, Mr. Ambassador?

It is forbidden
to piss against the wind.

I am very happy to hear that.


[indistinct screaming]

[head clatters]


[glass shatters]

[siren wailing]

[horn honking]


- 'Goodnight, Dr. Grade.'
- Goodnight.

Goodnight, goodnight,

Goodnight, Dr. Grade.


- Goodnight, Alexander.
- Goodnight.


Uh, goodnight.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

'Dr. Alexander Grade,
your country needs you.'

Ah. Oh, I'm so..

Look alive, young man.

This is it.

Sir, what is, sir?

You are about to meet

the president
of the United States.


Mr. President?

[indistinct chatter]

No pictures. No pictures.
Hey, hey.

No pictures. Alright, boys.
There's no TV tonight.

Turn 'em off, boys.
Turn 'em off.

Okay, I've got some
material for you, yes.

Tell me, uh..

Why was this morning's
press briefing canceled?

Okay, let me be perfectly
frank with you on that one.

This morning's briefing
was not canceled

it was simply not held.

[indistinct chatter]

What is he talking about?

Now, there'll be no inside
coverage of tonight's banquet.

But guest lists and menus
will be disseminated.

- Hey, give me one there.
- Oh, give me two.

And there's a special surprise.

We're going to give you
out here

a few minutes
with Ambassador Longo.

And I think you should be
real appreciative of this one.

And President Link himself.

[indistinct murmuring]

[cameras clicking]

[clears throat]

Ladies and gentleman
of the press, it is my privilege

to present the ambassador
to the United Nations

from the lovely
Island Republic

of Upper Gorm.



May I?

"Ah-uh, greetings.

to the American people

"from the president
of my country.

"The honorable Mazai,
Mazai Kalundra.

"It is to the eternal honor
of the people of the Upper Gorm

"to join with her new friend

the United States
in affairs of, uh--

[speaking Gormese]


- "Mutual advantage."
- Yes.

"Uh, uh, which will be
discussed when her great leader

"President Link
and his family will visit

our country next week."


"We give our assurances
that all amenities will be

"accorded to your great leader
and-and, uh, his lovely family.

'"And we solemnly give
our promise'

no to eat them."





Ah! Oh.

Oh. A joke.

The ambassador was making
a hawa-tunee.

Um, a joke.

And-and a-a very
amusing hawa-tunee.

[speaking Gormese]

[both chuckling]

Uh, the hawa-tunee.

Uh, did that have to do
with the "Eat them" part?

That was a hawa-tunee,sir.

Hmm. And how about
the going to Gorm part?

That was not a hawa-tunee,sir.


[reporters clamoring]




[all whistling]

[instrumental music]


[instrumental music]

Uh, ask the ambassador
if he'd care to sample

one of our fine
domestic wines.

[speaking foreign language]

Sir, sir,
the ambassador says

that he would be pleased
if you in turn

would like a taste
of the traditional

Upper Gormese
national drink.

And an excellent gesture

of mutual
inter-ethnic appreciation.

[speaking foreign language]

Chapelle Chardonnay '76.

[speaking foreign language]

Hmm, donkey blood.

Um, and cow urine, August.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Is the president in there?

Yes, sir.

What's he doing?

Sir, this is
the bathroom.

I am aware
of that fact.

This is an emergency.
What's he doing in there?

- 'Sir!'
- Is it la-la or chi-chi?

We don't know, sir.

Then find out.

- Mr. President.
- 'What is it?'

Sorry to bother you, sir.

Ambassador Spender wants to
know whether you're making..

"La-la" or "chi-chi."


Mr. President,
we have a problem.

Yes, sir.

'Sir, I think we
should assemble'

'the National Security
Council immediately.'

- 'In here?'
- 'Not in here, of course.'

Gentlemen, a situation has
arisen concerning Upper Gorm.

And Dr. Grade, oh,
Dr. Grade, before we begin

I'd like to introduce you
to the council members.

Uh, Special Presidential
Assistant, Feebleman.

- My pleasure, doctor.
- How do you do, sir?

Press Secretary, Bunthorne.

Oh, I think we've met.

We just met.
Good to see you again, doc.

It's good to see you, sir.

Attorney General, Spot.

How do you do, sir?

Willie O'Malley,
the director of the CIA

and I might add,
a grand honor.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, fine, sir.

How is it going with you,

- And Vice President, Shockley.
- Of course.

- How do you do?
- How do you do, sir?

I'm sorry,
I didn't catch your name.

- Alexander Grade.
- Grade, yes.

Grade is right.

Secretary of Defense,

Good to have you aboard, son.

Sir, how are you?

And over here, we have
Secretary of State, Reigle.

- Of course.
- Do you speak English?

- Yes, I do.
- So I'd love you.

And Military Chief of staff,
General Dumpston.


And of course,
you already know the chief.

Yes, yes, indeed.

This is such a thrill to me.

Please, I-I, this is the--

Gentlemen, please,
please sit down.

Oh, oh. I..

Gentlemen, I'll try to make
this as simple as possible.

As you know, we desperately need

the Upper Gormese vote
in the United Nations.

Ambassador Spender assures me,
we have that vote.

This evening however,
Ambassador Longo

announced to the press
that his country was expecting

a formal visit from me,
your president

and my lovely family,
next week.

He did this
without consultation

and without warning.

Do you get the picture?

It's totally unacceptable.

We're talking Pearl Harbor.

Absolutely shocking.

We don't have to take
that kind of crap from anyone.

Now, I would like
to point out that we are moving

into an election situation.

We can't afford to have you
out of the country.

- Yes. Very good.
- True.

I have to add one or two
more pieces of information.

This afternoon..

...Ambassador Longo..

...gave me this.


Looks like a rock.

Dr. Grade, do you have any
information on this?

Oh, yes, well, sir,
according to Ambassador Longo

the junk was extracted
at random from Jucama.

- Jucama?
- Oh, yes, sir.

Jucama is the name
of the mountain

'which comprises a large
part of their island'

'and which is actively
volcanic in nature.'

And, uh, it's sacred.

- 'It's scared?'
- Yes, sir.

They...well, they worship it.

That rock has an extremely high
uranium content.


- That's right. Uranium 238.
- 238?

What about the aerial
photographs, Spender?

Yes, sir. Well, the Air Force
just brought them in.

So the analysis
has been necessarily hasty.

Now, if you'll look
at your copies, you'll see

that certain sections
have been circled.

Those sections are hot-spots.


Is there an echo in here?


Go on, Spender.

Well, these areas are giving off
some kind of energy.

Now, air intelligence suspects
that these large, spherical

and curving tunnel-shaped
forms are the top

of some sort
of underground structure

of a massive power complex.

And I'm really sure
what that means, but..

You mean,
these Gormese people have..

Say it, general.

...nuclear capacity?

We wish we knew.

Well, sir.

Do you wanna know what I think?

'Does anyone want to know
what a vice president thinks?'

'Those are the facts,

In light of this
new information

and with firm beliefs
that any compromise on our part

would demonstrate
great moral weakness

how many of you feel
that I, your president

should even consider
giving into

this case of appalling
international blackmail?

[instrumental music]


It's not my fault
I'm the vice president.

I didn't pick me. He did.

God knows, I was
perfectly happy in Congress.

I was on a lot
of swell committees

and I got the vote
on a lot of things.

And-and I answered quorum..

and I took part in the biggest..
Gee, I had fun.

You are trying to tell us that
you've never thought about

being president now,
are you, Will?

Not even a little?

Not even a teeny-weeny bit?

Are you kidding?


Presidents don't have any fun.

I mean, gee, they're always
getting shot at

or-or impeached

or reviled.

Ooh, it's terrible.

Then why didn't you refuse
the nomination?

I didn't want people
to think I was a sissy.

Here are the new messages
that the president recorded

last night for
emergency broadcast

in case of enemy action
during his absence.

This is Signal Yellow.

My fellow Americans we're about
to undergo an enemy assault.

We have approximately one hour
to activate our military

and civil defense procedures.

Good luck to all of you.

This is Signal Orange.

This is your president speaking.

Aerial bombardment is eminent.

Do the best you can
and may God be with you.

What about Signal Red?

We're not entirely happy
with that one yet.

It's a tricky message to deliver
considering that it will proceed

a nuclear missile attack
by only 20 or 30 seconds.

Oh, let's hear of
what you've got so far.

Th-th-that's all folks.

Too frivolous?

Mr. President, beloved
members of the first family

ladies and gentlemen,
honored guests.

I'm Father Reggie Sandstone,

First pastor of the first church
of the rude awakening

over in Louis, Virginia.

[speaking foreign language]

I mean, look at them.

'Our beloved first family.'

Beautiful human beings,
every last one of them

are going to get
into that machine up there

and they are going to trust
in something.

'I don't care
what you call it.'

'God or Buddha'

'or the light force
or just good old karma.'

Something that keep them
from falling out of the sky

and smashing into the ground
in a pile of twisted metal

and mango blends.

And you know what I call that?

I call that, guts
and love in equal parts.

You know it.

And I look at them
as I'm looking at them

'right now and I
say to myself'

"Hey, baby,
that's one first family

that really got
it's shit together."

[speaking foreign language]

So it can't hurt for us
to lay a few good vibes on them.

To let them have their own real
space to be in for all of us.

For all of us here.

Black, white, gay, straight

carnivores, vegetarians,

Because they're doing it for us.

For all of us here
in this greatest

grandest and grooviest of
nations where every man or woman

is free to form a tax exempt,
non-profit corporation

and trade the revealed word
of the creator for the material

benefits of American life..

[speaking foreign language]

That's excellent. That's 24.

Can I get you something?

Can I get you anything?

Excuse me, sir,
your coffee.

Thank you.

Anyway, we better try
that word again, sir.

That word.

- Chara jojo.
- No, no. Chara jojo.

The accent
is on the final syllable.

Chara jojo.

What the hell
is the difference?

Sir, "chara jojo"
means "thank you."

And "chara jojo"
means, roughly..

...bite the tree.

Grade, I'm never gonna get
the hang of this language.

I flunked Spanish
in high school.

And my God, even Mexicans
know how to speak Spanish.

'That's true, sir.'

Oh, and of course,
in Gormese

they don't make
any distinction

at all between a noun
and a verb.

For instance, their word for
snake can indicate

a past snake,
a present snake

or a future snake
depending on

the juxtaposition
of diphthongs..

...within the word itself.

Let me tell you something.

I have too much
to remember now.

I've to think about
Gorm's national product.

I've to think about
foreign price supports.

I've to think about
military appropriations

the cost of indexes.

And future snakes?

It's-it's-it's too much.

Oh, I know, sir. You have too
much to worry about.

And I think it would be a good
idea if you got some sleep.

Can't sleep.




Are you bothered by dreams, sir?

Listen to this, kid.

When I was your age..

...I used to have
all these big dreams.

I go to sleep and..

...hit a home run
with three men on.. boxes of rubies..

'...low down Nazi troops..'

...bang movie stars.

Once I protected
a blind newspaper boy

from six giant hoods.

Just my quick fists
and my bare wits.


Those were the nights.

'Those are really
fine dreams, sir.'

Not anymore.

You wanna know
what do I dream now?

What, sir?

I dream.. the White House
dining room..

...when I sit down..

...and there's a bowl of soup.

Clear soup.

Bouillon or something.

And I pick up my soup spoon..

...and I eat my clear soup.

Yes, sir.

That's it.

I eat it.

I don't burn
my tongue horribly.

They don't find a dead spider
with legs, like my sister

floating in the bottom
of the bowl.

No witch doesn't come
through the wall

and scares the crap
out of me.

I just, I eat my bowl
of clear soup..

...and I wake up.

What do you think it means?

I don't know, sir.

You've ever
heard of a dream

that doesn't mean anything?

No, sir.
I don't think so.

Where are the dreams
of yesteryear?

I just don't know, sir.



[engine whirring]

'Good morning.
This is your captain speaking.'

'We're on our final approach'

'to Upper Gorm's
international airport'

'which consists
I'm sorry to say'

'of a large clay hut
and a short dirt runway.'

'The landing maybe
a little bit bumpy'

'but according
to our State Department'

'information manual'

'you'll soon be
enjoying Upper Gorm's'

'natural scenic splendor'

'carefree island beauty'

'and hearty native cuisine.'

[instrumental music]

[hens clucking]

Which one of them
is the head boogie man?

I am the head boogie man.

Which one of you
is the chief turkey?

[instrumental music]


[music continues]

One of the things
that I have always regretted

is that we do not see more

uh, black people
in the White House.

I mean, we, we, we see them

but we do not...see them.

If you know what I mean,
but the one's that we do see

are so..

Uh, they
are so well-mannered.

They are pleasant and, and
they're so appreciative.

And when they get dressed up

my, my,
they look so, so nice.

[music continues]


[speaking foreign language]


[speaking foreign language]

[all laughing]

[speaking foreign language]

[music continues]

I hope Mr. President
that you are not too bored

with our modest attempt
at entertainment.

No, no, I've, uh,
I've always been interested

in, in, native,

Hmm, if there are
any questions..

I was, I was wondering,
uh, h-how you learned

to-to speak English so good.

Uh, so, so well.

My father, the late dictator

of our beloved island

who saw the time
when it would become necessary

to establish some contact
with the outside world.

He sent me across
the great water to study.

Great...the great water?

Hmm, yes.

All the way
to the University of Miami.

It was there
I learned your language.

- Great seat of learning.
- Yes.

[flute music]


[instrumental music]

Better be something big.


What better be big?

This deal, whatever it is
you're talking about.

We better go back
with something dramatic.


Yeah. Yeah.

Let us come now,
right to the point

of your visit, Mr. President.


Uh, you want our vote
in the United Nations.


Well, but, uh, it would
certainly be helpful.

Mhm, and why do you remain
somewhat in the dark

so to speak about, uh,
what it is that we want.

Go on.

We have a healthy,
hard working population.

We are ancient
in noble religious traditions.

Strong economy,
splendid climate.

In fact, we have
all the requirements

of a superstate but one.

And what is that?

Well, can't you
guess what it is?


A repressed minority.


We are prepared to purchase

from you at a reasonable price

several hundred,
middle class White Americans.

Of various religions, ages
and, uh, occupations.

As you might, uh,
say in your country

a mixed bag of honkeys.

Uh, we would see to it that they
were comfortably settled here.

And then subject them
to their proper amount

of division and contempt

and deny them
certain basic rights.

And in general..

...give them
the dirty end of the stick.

What do you say?

Uh, t-this is an utterly
incredible proposition.

Oh, ho, ho, I can't imagine
that you would miss

a few hundred average
American families.

I'm sure you
would think of something

to tell your constituency.

I can't even imagine what I..

...what I would tell
my, my own lovely family?

Oh, please, Mr. President

let us not be too hypocritical.

Your lovely family
consists primarily

of a wife who drinks too much

and a daughter who..

My daughter happens
to be a virgin.

[volcano erupting]

Are you seriously
trying to tell me

that your daughter has never..

Absolutely never.

Goodnight, Mr. President.

Goodnight, Mr. President.

[speaking foreign language]

Do as I say.

There is, there is nothing.


[indistinct chatter]

Gloria, I really don't think

you should just wander off
like this.

Don't you ever, wish you could
just throw off all your clothes

and run on all fours,
through the woods

with nothing but your hot,
hot blood rushing

through all your arteries?

Well, n-not on all fours.

- Alexander..
- Yes, Gloria.

Look in my eyes,
what do you see?


You see a woman.

The woman's needs
and a woman's dreams

and all the rest
of that stuff, don't you?

Yes, I do.

You see a deeply
feeling human being

looking for fulfillment.

And there's that, too.

So why don't we just
sort of cease the moment

if you know what I mean?

- Gloria..
- Alone in the jungle.

In the moonlight
and pounding drums

and all that junk, you know.

- Yeah, but--
- Naked and not ashamed.



Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go over to that tree

and I'm gonna wait
until you collect yourself

and put your shoes back on.

'And then I'm gonna take you
to your family.'

And we're gonna forget
that this ever happened.

Are there no men
left on this Earth!

[intense music]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]


Please, Dr. Grade,
control yourself.

Miss Link has been chosen for
a greater destiny than anything

she or you could've dreamed.

She is to become
the bride of Jucamba.

[volcano erupting]

Jucamba is ready.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[volcano erupting]


'Gloria. Gloria.'

'What can we do
to erase this hideous'

this, oh, this nightmare?

Oh, my..
Oh, my baby.

Look at you.

My dear, Mr. President,
if there is any way

we can make up
for this inconvenience.


You, you used my daughter
for some kind of depraved ritual

and, and you call it
an inconvenience?

Oh, but you must
try to understand.

This is not just some
fly by night ceremony.

This is the big time.
Like your rosebush.

Why in God's name didn't you
use one of your virgins?

Well, frankly,
we've almost run out.

And, uh, between you and me..

...he's never had a foreigner.

He was overcome with delight.


Thanks to Miss Link,
we look forward

to an extremely
prosperous year.

Do you actually think

that there can be some
connection bet-between this

this grotesque practice

and in a, in a smoothly
functioning economy?

Well, look at it this way.

In your country, you raise

and lower the prime
lending rate.

In my country,
we sacrifice a virgin.

This is the 20th century.

Yes. And it still works.

I-I can't believe my ears.

Well ,then my dear,
Mr. President

perhaps you can believe
your eyes.

Are you interested
in fertilizer?

Ours is the best in the world.

It is, as you might say,

It is incredibly
rich in potassium

phosphorus and sulphur.

[instrumental music]

[random chatter
in Manfred's mind]

[random chatter]
It is with great pleasure

that I present The Nobel Prize

for chemistry and peace.

[random mind chatter]

[instrumental music]

[man on TV]
'Good evening,
tonight's Washington reports'

'deals with President Link's
diplomatic mission'

'to Upper Gorm.'

'Since his return,
some ten days ago'

'the president has held himself
in virtual seclusion.'

'Spending almost all of his time
by himself in the Oval Office.'

'Working on
next Sunday's schedule'

'to address to the nation.'

'Pausing only for a few hours
sleep, a light meal'

and now and then, according
to Press Secretary Bunthorne

an uncontrollable giggle.

[indistinct chatter]

'Chief's executive journey
to that small island'

'off the coast of Africa,
have been rebuffed'

'by both White House
staff members'

'and presidential entities.'

'Of all the assumption
that can safely be made'

'and some sort of understanding'

'has been reached
between the two governments.'

Shh! Listen.

It is assumed that the president
will deliver his speech

from this remote
military base in Minnesota

for sentimental reasons.

Since it is within a few miles
of the farm

'on which he was born.'

'What is less explicable
is the..'

With him over there
in that Godforsaken place.

Don't you have any idea
what this is about?

He won't talk to us.

Oh, he does his smile knowingly.

Like this..

- Oh, it scares me.
- When he smiles like that?

No, when you smile like that,
I hate it.

Maybe he's having
a nervous breakdown.

Of course he's having
a nervous breakdown.

All presidents
have nervous breakdowns.

That's why they all
look like that.

Um, can't the CIA do anything?

They certainly don't want
to do anything illegal.

- Ahem.
- Oh, Bill.

If we could only get
a look at that treaty..

It would do absolutely no good.

It's written entirely
in Gormese.

Shh, wait a minute.

Meanwhile, special crews
from the department

of agriculture are working
around the clock

'under direct orders
from the White House.'

'In an apparent effort to
beautify the nation's capital'

'in time for the upcoming
election. Here at the..'

The government's falling apart

he's got them planting flowers,
for God's sakes.

What's he doin'?

Well, I asked him about that.

- What did he say?
- Please don't do that.

[man on TV]
'And although the subject,
the chief executive's speech..'

Shh! Shh! Listen!

'...secrecy, it will include'

'according to our
White House sources'

one of the most
dramatic announcements

to come out of the government
since last year

when Supreme Court Justice
Benjamin Barstow

President Link's only
High Court appointee

'revealed that he had undergone
a sex change operation'

'at the Doppelmayr clinic.'

'Taken the first name
of Beatrice'

'and given up his widely
publicized hobby'

'of mountain climbing
for macrame.'

Which the nation's first
semi-female Supreme Court..

Gentlemen, let us not forget

that whatever happens out there
on that field on Sunday

the eyes of the country
will be upon us.

Our party is at stake.
Our government, our nation.

Even more important..

Our jobs.

[instrumental music]

That, sir?

Is that Mr. Longo?

Take over.

[all coughing]

[engine revving]

'My fellow Americans..' my inaugural address
to you

almost four long high,
work filled years ago

I made a solemn promise.

That promise was
that I would commit

every ounce of my time
and energy

to gain for our country

the biggest and the best
of everything.

'My administration is yet
to bear the burden'

'the past decade
was shrinking resources.'

Shrinking supplies of energy.

Shrinking productivity.




'I was a, uh, boy..'

Ah, here it is.
Here is the treaty.

[tires screeching]

Start translating, Dr. Grade.

Oh, sir, I don't think--

We're not asking you to think

we're asking you to translate.

And I, I walked to school

across the, the very ground

on which we stand now.

And I, I had a dog

and he, he walked along
with me to school.

But he, but he died.

He was a saint, that dog.

And he..

He went to doggy heaven.

'And I miss him.'

Well, what?

- I miss him very much.
- You're really getting to me.

But because I was,
uh, a little boy

l-like all little boys
and-and all

little girls, too, I guess

everything seemed so big.

Buildings were big.

And furniture..

...silver dollars..

...and this cigar
my dad used to smoke.

And clouds..

...and, and women's breasts
were big.


Why is he talking about breasts,
for Pete's sake?

Sir, we're giving them people.

- I'm sorry. W-What do you say?
- 1500 people.

'And then, and then I grew up.'

'And every, everything
seemed to shrink.'

'Almost before your eyes.'

'till everything
was s-so small and'

'so tiny.'

[engine revs]

But not anymore,
my fellow Americans.

Not with this.

This, this treaty

signed and executed
by me, your president..

Oh, hold it, sir.

"They have given us

20,000 gallons.."

Gallons? tailing a minimum

of sacrifice on your part..

...on, on part of your parts

in exchange for the contents

of this tank..

Gallons of what?

'This tank..'


'...beneath which I sold
thousand acres..'



[engine revs]

...will give us back
our business.

I see vast fields..

[tires squealing]

...and in, in those fields

I see sweet peas

as big as beach balls.

I see, I see kidney beans

as big as armchairs.

Stalks of celery

like telephone poles.

'Giant purple figs like
domes of Muslim temple'

and, and potatoes

as, as large as Volkswagens.

- President, I..
- Mr. President.

Please, stop him. Stop him!

I can see a cantaloupe

'that will not only feed
a family of four for a year'

'but house them as well!'

'Rhubarb taller
than pine trees.'

[indistinct chatter]

[car revving]

Because I can see all--


[engine revving]

[all screaming]


My hand..



'This special secret session
of the Supreme Court'

'in private chambers
is now in order.'

Please be seated.

Justice Barstow.





You may proceed, Mr. Ambassador.

'Well, thank you very much.

Mr. Chief Justice.

Mr. Justices.

Madam Justice.

What we are seeking here
is the advice of the court

on the possibility of
some sort of remedy

for this extremely
painful situation.

'Well, Mr. Spender'

I'm sure you are familiar

with the provisions
in the constitution

for removal of
the president from office.

Well, uh, not in
any great detail, sir.

You see, by profession
I am a history teacher.

A professor?

No, uh, an associate professor.

Well, Mr. Feebleman

being a lawyer,
perhaps you have some opinion?

Uh, Mr. Chief Justice

uh, I'm afraid that the bulk
of my legal experience

has been in insurance law.

Uh, traffic accidents,
things like that.

I have, uh, worked mainly
with ambulance drivers--

I, I see. I see.
Thank you.

'What about you, Mr.Bunthorne?'

I was in public relations,
sir, for the fuss.

For what?

For the, um..

...funhouse, sir

in Coney Island.

I see. Thank you.

I would like to address
the particulars of this treaty

with the Upper Gormese.

Oh, yes, sir.

A treaty drawn up
without the advice

and, or consent of the senate,
I believe.

Yes, sir, but I for one

knew absolutely
nothing about it.

I had no idea what was
in that treaty.

I would've advised against it
if anybody had asked me.

'Gentlemen, the point is'

that if the American people ever
find out about this treaty--

Uh, fortunately, sir,
they don't have to.

'What do you mean, Mr. Spender?'

Well, you see,
the television transmission

concluded when the platform
was...accidently demolished

before the details of
the treaty could be revealed.

You see, actually,
all that people know

was that there was a mishap
of some sort--

Uh, you mean, as far as

everybody outside
this room is concerned

Mr. Link and his family
might be..

Yes, sir.

[indistinct murmuring]

- You agree?
- Yeah.

'Mr. President'

it is the decision of this body

that in order to
save this nation

'from the embarrassment of
a long and painful impeachment'

'and in the interest
of preserving'

'the good name of your office'

and of protecting all of us

from the scorn and derision
of the outside world

'we now...pronounce you..'


[instrumental music]

Would you raise your right hand?

Would you raise your right hand?

You may lower your left hand.

Please repeat after me.

- I, William Shockley.
- I..

I hope we get away with this.

Do faithfully swear..

To uphold the office of the
president of the United States

Ahem, do faithfully swear
to uphold the office

ahem, of president of t-the..


I, uh...oh..

No, no..

Do faithfully swear..

Do faithfully swear.. uphold the office.. uphold the office..

...of the president
of the United States..

- Presi, pres..
- President.

of the United States..

I, uh..



'Oh, my gosh.'

There's no..
There's no pulse.

[man on TV]
'And so once again, within
the space of a few days'

'the nation mourns
another fallen leader.'

'Struck down according
to White House physicians'

by a fatal heart attack
brought on

by the burdens
of his high office.

Political experts agree that
the late President Shockley

will receive high marks for his
command of the ship of state

even though he was at its helm
for little more than

five or six seconds.

'And now with the November
general elections'

'almost upon us, the heads
of the late president's party'

'must begin a frantic search
for a new candidate.'

'In other news from Washington'

groups of local citizens
and tourists alike

are gathering at the site
of what can only be described

as some kind of
agricultural miracle.

'Special investigators from
Food and Drug Administration'

'are at a total loss to explain
the sudden appearance'

'at this and other monuments'

'a bizarre, organic,
possibly edible forms'

'some of them, according
to one eye witness'

'resembling potatoes as large
as small foreign cars.'

'People have been
gathering all day'

'at all these monuments and
other sites around Washington..'

Excuse me, please.

[indistinct chatter]

[man on radio]
'This is...base standing by
for security report'

'on the perimeter, over.'

Yeah, this is Gunderson
on lookout three.

'I've got a clear all on all
four compass points, over.'

[indistinct chatter]

'You betcha.'

I can see a Nobel Prize
in your future, sir.

Mr. President, Mr. President.

I can predict an overwhelming
majority at the polls.

Manny, we've already
opened negotiations

with the Upper Gormese for
an exclusive trade agreement.

I want a lot more vacations.

- Yes, sir!
- Naturally, sir!

- Aah!
- Uh-oh.

I, I want to remodel
the White House.

I, I wanna make it more homey.

Why not.

I wanna put a statue
in the Rose Garden.

A lovely idea.

- A really big statue.
- 'Gloria.'

- With a real big--
- Gloria!

And...of course, we'll need..


Virgins, sir?

Approximately one a year.

For the sacrifice.

- Yes.
- We'll have a national contest.


Wait a minute.

They think I'm dead.



'How, h-how do we..?'

- Yes!
- Aah!

This will be the
greatest sales pitch

in the history of American
political campaigns.

Once, every 2000 years or so

a man of vision

a man who can work miracles

returns to lead his people.

[Constance laughing]

You don't really think that

that a-anyone would

would believe that?

[crowd cheering]

[marching band music]

Welcome back, Mr. President!

[crowd cheering]

[music continues]

[crowd cheering]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[crowd cheering]

[music continues]