First Date (2021) - full transcript

Good evening, good
afternoon, good morning!

Now you see those greetings work two fold.

Firstly, because this is
an international stream,

so we have audience members
from all around the world,

different countries, different time zones.

Hello,

And secondly, because I
have absolutely no idea

what time of day it is anymore.

But welcome to the theater,
live in your living room.

How quaint.

Now here at the the
Chateau du Theatre Digital.



We have slightly different
rules to most theaters.

For example, we can't ask you

to turn off your electronic devices,

'cause you wouldn't be able
to watch the darned thing.

So instead we ask that you keep them on,

you turn them up loud

and you tweet along with the show

using the hashtag #firstdatemusical.

I know, shameless.

Speaking of shameless,

if there's any single guys out there

who might feel lonely after
watching this romantic musical,

please know that my DMs are
open and I am desperate.

Now, there will be one brief intermission



or as the Brits call it,
an interval or wine time.

So, enjoy this American
musical brought to you entirely

by British actors in the
middle of a global pandemic.

And if you don't enjoy
it, well, screw you.

We worked so hard.

Now, pour yourself a glass of wine,

fill your face with
snacks, and enjoy the show.

Hi.
Hey.

Are you waiting for a table?

You know what?

I'm gonna wait and see
how the drinks portion

of the evening goes first

and then we'll see how it goes from there.

I don't wanna be too presumptuous.

You know what I mean?

Well, can I get you
something while you wait?

Beer, vodka, Xanax?

I'll just have a beer please.

Yeah, does that sound right?

Yes, I will have a beer, thank you.

- Do you care what kind?

- Just something on tap.

In a big glass, a big, big manly glass.

- Oh, so this
is a first date, huh?

- Yeah, is it that obvious?

- Well, you got pretty
dressed up for it, didn't you?

- Yeah, I came from work.

I thought the suit would
make me seem impressive

and or distinguished.

Am I wrong?

- Honestly, I think it's
making you seem desperate

and or douche-y.

But maybe I'm wrong.

- She's gonna be here any second,

what am I supposed to do now?

- That's okay, relax.

Just to get rid of the tie.

- Okay, yeah, yeah, tie's going away.

Let's lose the tie.

A tie going, bye-bye .

- I can , thank you.

And loose the glasses.

- Yeah, okay, .

- Wow, we're gonna keep the glasses.

- Yup.

- And pop the collar a little.

- Oh, okay popping, pop again.

- And okay.

- Okay what?

- Honey, that's all I got.

Can I help you?

- I don't know, maybe it depends.

I'm supposed to be meeting some
random guy here for a drink.

- Oh, you must be the other
half of the first date.

He's already here.

- He is?

How is he?

'Cause my sister said he might in fact

be the man of my dreams.

- She did?

Are you and your sister close?

- Oh shit, I knew it, okay, be honest.

What are we dealing with here?

Asks a million questions,
guys, super sweaty guy,

overconfident guy, what?

- No, no, no.

I think he's...

Well, I'm just gonna to let
you decide that for yourself.

He's right over there.

- Oh, allergy guy, good times.

Bring me a shot of
something strong, will you?

And a chaser of something even stronger.

Hi, Casey, you must be-

- Hi, Aaron, yes, that's me.

Nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm-

- I know.
- Not entirely sure

what the protocol is here.

- I know.
- We can't handshake,

we can't hug, so what are we gonna do?

- Why don't we just start with the elbow

and then see where we
go from there, .

- Coming in with the elbow, boom.

- What is that?

What are you doing?

- Not entirely sure.

Occasionally I'm an idiot.

Wanna have a seat?

- Yes.
- Yes, safer, .

Would you like a drink?

- Oh, I already ordered two on the way in.

Thank you, what are you drinking?

- Nothing special, just a brewski.

- Did you just say brewski?

- Yes I did, .

But if it makes you feel any better,

I regretted it the second
it came out of my mouth.

- Are you okay Aaron, 'cause
you seem a little nervous?

- Yeah, no, do I?

Sorry, it's just that I don't
go on a lot on blind dates.

Actually, this is most
definitely my real first.

- For Real?

- For realsies, so if I
seem a little bit nervous

it's only 'cause you know, I am.

- Well, don't be because
the more nervous you get

the more I wanna make a mad
dash for that door .

- Here we go!

- Jesus Christ!

- One beer for the gentleman.

- Thank you.

- And one shot for the lady.

- Thank you.

- And one cocktails for the lady.

- Thank you .

- So what was that all that about?

- It's called taking the edge off.

You should try it, BDV,
might loosen you up.

- BDV?

- Blind Date Virgin.

That's my new nickname
for you, you mind it?

- No, well, I prefer
something like A-train

or Wolverine but-

- Good, now BDV, can I ask you a question?

- Yeah, sure, ask me
anything I'm an open book.

- If you've never been
on one of these before

why go on one now?

- Well, Kevin, your
sister Lauren's husband-

- Aka my brother-in-law?

- Right, him.

Well, he said that you were really cute

and that I would be an
absolute moron to pass this up.

So I decided to take a
risk and listen to him.

How about you?

- Lauren said you look like Brad Pitt.

So do you agree with Kevin?

- About what?

- Am I really cute?

- You can't just ask me that.

- Why not?

You said you're an open book.

So am I?

I'm waiting.

- Yes you are very pleasant looking.

- Ooh, pleasant looking.

- All right, okay, fine,
no, attractive, desirable,

stunningly beautiful.

Wait, how about d, all
of the above .

So how about me?

What adjectives would
you use to describe me?

- Really there's just so many
adjectives to choose from

I wouldn't even know where to start.

- So now what do we do?

- What do you mean?

- Well, I was just thinking

that seeing as I've never
been on one of these before

and you're kinda the resident expert.

I was just hoping that
maybe you could instruct me

on what we're supposed to do next here.

- Who told you I was the expert?

- Kevin said something just
before he was leaving the office

but if he is wrong,
then he could be wrong.

He's wrong.
- No, no he's not wrong-

- I'm sorry.

- I mean, he's incredibly
wrong to tell you

that information right before you met me

but technically speaking, he's not wrong.

Fine, hi, my name is Casey
and I'm a serial dater.

- Then I have the
perfect nickname for you.

- Oh really, what's that?
- Yeah, BDS.

- BDS?
- Yes, Blind Date Slut.

No, no, I'm so sorry.

I was too soon, that is not I want to die.

I'm really not good at this
whole casual banter thing.

Okay, so Casey, do you enjoy blind dates?

- Oh God, no.

I hate them with an undying passion.

I put them right up there with pap smears

and M.Night Shyamalan movies.

- Well then why do you go on so many?

- 'Cause I think it's important
to put yourself out there

and keep your options open.

And I keep hoping that each time

my next leap will be the leap home.

- You know Quantum Leap?

Holy shit, I love Quantum Leap.

Oh boy,

we're definitely coming back to that one.

So have you been on any really bad ones?

- First dates?
- Yeah.

- Oh no, no, sweetie,
we're not doing that.

Oh, you really do need my help.

No, no, no, that's like
dating rule number one.

It's way too early in the evening

for me to be discussing
other men with you.

- Right, see, I did not know that.

Okay, so what should we be talking about?

- Well, seeing as we
barely know each other

I would say this would be the small talk,

getting to know you portion of the night.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay I can do that.

I got you, I got you, you
know just nothing too serious.

Just keeping it light and breezy.

Just like, "Okay, I can do this."

So where are you from?

- Michigan.

- Michigan, oh, sorry, you wanna get that?

- No, no, no, it's fine.

- Are you sure?

I don't mind if you-
- No, it's no problem.

What were you saying?

- Michigan.
- Michigan?

- Yes.
- Hey, it's Casey.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

- So where did you grow up in Michigan?

- Just in this little town

where everybody knows
everybody's business.

Hence why I moved New York
as fast as humanly possible.

West Bloomfield.

- Oh, you grew up in West Bloomfield?

Holy shit!

Hey, do you know anybody
that went to Camp Riverlake?

- Yes, why, did you go there?

- Yes, only for like six summers .

- My neighbor, Jessica
Sheinwald went there.

- Jessica Sheinwald, I
think I remember her.

- Oh, she only went for one year.

She fell in love with this
total prick called Gabe

and they had this like
insanely intense six week

like summer romance

and then on the last day of camp

she found out that he'd
been seeing four other girls

and the wilderness instructor all summer.

Can you believe that shit?

- No, was it a Gabe Rubenstone?

- Yeah, how did you know?

- He's been my best
friend since I was four.

- Oh, things were just
starting to look up for us too.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He was a prick.

He still is, he still is.

He's just a colossal prick, okay?

So we're just gonna forget about him.

Move along now .

So where did you go to school?

- Village Day.
- Right, oh, okay.

Well, I think a bunch of
Riverlake people went there.

Do you know Josh Baumgarten?

- He sat next to me in our class.

- All right, Rachel Hirsch?

- I kicked her ass all
over the lacrosse field.

- Okay, how about Nathan Davidson?

- Oh my God, Nathan, wanna
see a magic trick Davidson?

- Yes.
- You knew that freak?

- Yes, of no worse, he was my
roommate for three summers.

Did you have any idea how many times

he asked me to pick a card?

- Where's did you go to college?

- Penn, you?
- B.U

- B.U, so you wanna keep
playing Jewish geography

'cause I can give you like 10 more names.

- Oh, we can I'm really good at it.

Even if I'm not a Jew.

- Sorry, what did you say?

- I am not a Jew.

- Aaron, bubalah!

- Grandma Ida, is that you?

- That's right.

- What are you doing here?

You're dead.

- Aaron?

- Who are you?

- I'm Casey's father.

Her very disapproving,
very Christian father.

- I'm sorry, do you mean
her father or her Father?

- Both.

- Oh my God.

- Yo dad, what's up?

- Dad!
- What?

You don't recognize me?

I'm yours and Casey's future son

and I'm like beyond messed up.

So thanks for that.

- Well-

No, come on.

- So you're really not Jewish, uh?

- Nope!
- Half Jewish?

- Uh- uh.
- Quarter Jew?

- Not even a little.

- Okay, so wait, wait,
what about relatives?

You got like a cousin or a sister,

or somebody that got a rebellious

and married an Ashkenazi?

- Very doubtful, is this
a problem for you, Aaron?

- No, no, no, not for me necessarily.

For some others in my family maybe.

Your family or future children
that we may or may not have.

- Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I've never been a big church goer anyway.

- Right, you haven't?

That means you don't have
like countless crosses

and Rosemary beads and pictures

of political angels hanging
right above your bed

'cause I'm gonna be honest with you,

that would be kinda a
bit deal breaker for me.

- No, my parents have never been

into any of that kind of stuff.

So from a very early age

I was always much more of an atheist.

- Oh really?

So, I mean you don't
believe in God at all?

- Is this your way of keeping
things light and breezy?

- Right, yes.

Sorry, yes, no.

What's your favorite color?

- No, no, you're new
to this, so I'll allow.

- Thank you very much.

- To answer your question,

I do believe in a higher power

but I also think that organized religions

have become so overlaid

with extraneous matter that I don't know,

their spiritual substances
has become completely obscure.

Do you know what I mean?

Okay, check this out.

I've been reading a lot of Eckhart Tolle.

Ever heard of him?

- No-
- It doesn't matter.

He's a big believer in the power of now.

And so since I have a bad
tendency of getting in my head,

I've been trying to separate the process

of thinking and an awareness
in an effort to transcend

my ego based station
state of consciousness.

- Right, yeah obviously.

That is very, very obvious.
- Yeah.

- So how's that going?

- Not so well.

I have a hard time
silencing my inner critic.

- Oh my God, tell me about it .

- Really?
- Yes.

- You do too?

- Yes, my inner critic
will not shut up right now.

- Okay, what's he saying?

- It's saying to get out of this thing

as quickly as possible .

- Are you're making fun of me?

- No.

- 'Cause-
- No I'm sorry.

- You brought this up, I
didn't want to talk about.

- I was joking, it was a bad joke.

- You know what?
- I'm sorry.

- It's a shame that
you're so closed minded

because actually I think
this stuff would help you.

I think the meditation and self awareness

could be helpful for you.

It could be helpful for everybody.

- Yeah, no, you're right, you're right.

It could do that for me

and all the people all over the world.

Look, can I just...

I just wanted to say that-
- Maybe we-

- I'm sorry,.

Look, I wanna-
- Oh, dear God, you go first.

- Okay, look, I'm so sorry, okay?

I just misunderstood what you
were saying and I messed up.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for getting so standoffish.

It's just, I actually think
it's a really good thing

getting to know yourself,

but every time I talk about it,

people look at me like I'm
some sort of mental patient.

- Yes, you're right.

Which is exactly why
I will not look at you

like that anymore.

No more crazy looks from me, okay?

- Glad to hear it.

- Yes .

Oh my God.

Did we just totally have our first fight?

- OMG, we kinda did.

- Oh, girl, we totes did
and we came out of it

without any cuts or bruises.

- Barely any internal bleeding.

- Okurrrr.

Well, maybe there's a small
smidgeon of hope for us yet.

- Yeah, maybe.

- All right.

Well, since we're already

in this terribly uncomfortable situation,

anything else you wanna tell
me before this date continues?

Like you got weird fetishes diseases

black sheep family members.

You can tell me.

You can tell me, I will
be totally fine with it.

- Well, now you mentioned it.

There is something I should tell you.

- Oh, sure, lay it on me.

- I have a four year-old son, Blaze.

- Hello!

- You do?

- Yeah, he's great.

He's just the little light of my life.

- Wow, Blaze.

Is it that, so...

So who's the father?

- I'm not entirely sure.

- You're not?

- No, I know it's definitely
like between two or three guys

but you know what?

I figure we can always do DNA testing

but that's only if Blaze,

absolutely just has to
know his birth father.

- Right.
- Are you my daddy?

- Sure, no.

That makes sense to me.

So what's he like?

- Oh, he's very sweet,
energetic hyper kid.

And he hasn't been officially diagnosed

but we think he has ADD.

- Oh.
- I like basketball

and baseball and soccer and drawing

and chocolate and pirates, airplanes

and French fries, and video games and-

- Wow, you must really
have your hands fold,

Aw, aw, wow, wow, wow!
- I do, but you know what?

No matter how much he kicks
and screams and bites,

he does love to bite and cries

and fight me on every single thing.

At the end of the day,

when I'm sitting there breastfeeding

and he looks up at me with my nipple

on his cute little mouth.

- Nipple, you still breastfeed
your four-year-old son?

- Of course, it really
helps a mother-son bond.

Anyway, my point is I wouldn't
change it for the world.

- No, that's great.

That is great.

I'm just surprised that Kevin neglected

to mention anything to me.

- Oh yeah, Aaron, there's one other thing

I should tell you about Blaze.

- Really, there's something else?

- He doesn't exist.

- Oh, thank God!

- I'm messing with you.

- Can you imagine having to deal

with some fucking monster child

who's still old enough to ask his mommy

for a tall glass of boob .

- He's real.

- Let me finish.

- I'm joking.

- Fuck you, fuck you.

Why would you do that to me?

- Because it was funny, wasn't it?

- Oh my gosh.

- Really funny, really
got him there, Kudos sis.

- Oh, Lauren, what do you want?

- I don't know, maybe
to help you get married

or at least asked out on a second date.

You know, I really don't
understand you Case,

why do you insist on being so-

- Daring, bold and
delightfully controversial?

- I was gonna say harsh,

guarded and slightly confrontational,

but you know, six-of-one.

- I can't help it, that's just who I am.

- That's cute.

But you know what else you can help?

Your biological clock.

And if you listen real close
to hear what it's saying,

"Hurry the fuck up."

- No, that's not fair,
I've really been trying.

- No you haven't.

This is all a game to you, a sport.

You're not looking for the one,

you just looking for new
ways to amuse yourself

in other people's experience.

- You know what?

We can't all be like you.

We can't all meet our dream guy

and settle down in Connecticut at age 24.

- That's hurtful.

We didn't get our first house
in Westport till I was 28,

and you know it.

Look just do me a favor,

try a little harder with this guy

'cause Kevin really likes him.

And wouldn't be the
worst thing in the world.

If he did it someone nice for once.

- Fine.

- Oh, God, you know what?

I think I need another beer.

Excuse me, can I get a beer please?

Just one, thank you.

- Uh oh, did my menace of
an imaginary child force

you to start drinking again?

He does have that effect on people.

- Yeah, he really does,
you know I was this close

to driving my imaginary
minivan off of the top

of a very steep imaginary place.

- Oh, listen Aaron, don't feel bad.

I totally get why Blaze would scare you.

Well, I mean, we're not all
made for breeders, right?

Nothing says we have to have children.

Am I right?

- So you don't wanna have kids?

- No, well, definitely
yeah, I do, someday.

- Yeah, me too.

I want a big family actually.

Not yet though, but come
on, can't you imagine it.

Bunch of little Aarons running around,

all saying
giving off a goffy elbo.

- Oh, yeah, on their little suits?

- Well, come on!

You know it's funny actually,

my ex always used to say to me,

- Oh no, you don't do it.

- No, I don't what Gabe?

- Dude, dude, we've been
over this like 100 times.

You never ever bring up
your ex on the first date.

- Why not?

Allison was such a huge part of my life.

- There's just no way you can exclude me

from the conversation.

- No, no, no, Aaron get
her out of your head.

I'm begging you.

This is not the time to
be thinking about Allison.

- Okay-

- Guess he can't help himself Gabe.

I'm simply too wonderful.

- She's simply too wonderful.

- Bull shit, "Rip off my clothes.

Have your way with me."

That's not what Allison
would say and you know it.

Now be honest with yourself.

What would Allison really say to you?

- Well, you mean like in the bedroom?

- Yeah.
- Well, I guess I would go

a little something more like this and-

Allison, wanna have sex?

- Sorry, you know the rules.

Once the retainer goes in
the va-jay-jay's off-limits.

- Exactly, don't you see?

The real Allison is not the
way you choose to remember her.

She's a frigid, emotionally
manipulative wench

that you need to permanently
erase from your thoughts.

So you can finally move on.

- Okay, okay, okay, I got you.

Okay, no more Allison,
she's out of my head.

Now please, what am I doing about my date?

Because-
- Well, thankfully,

you got your best friend here
to help you through this.

Now, Aaron, do I get ass?

- Yes.
- Yes, and I'm gonna help

you get some too, but only if you listened

to your consigliere.

So remember you talk about the ex,

you can forget about the sex, got it?

- Yes got it.

Talk about ex, forget
about this talk .

- Your ex always used to say you what?

- Not much, nothing at all actually,

she was mute.
- Oh.

- Can we talk about something else?

- Absolutely, let's re-focus.

- Oh my God, .

- Okay, so I know that
guys absolutely love

to talk about work.

So why don't you regale
me with some anecdotes

and stories about that?

- Oh, no problem.

And what do you wanna know?

- Well, what you do exactly?

- Ah, investment banking,
corporate finance

and sometimes I fiddle around
with mergers and acquisitions.

- Oh, sounds riveting.

- Yeah, just one, thank you.

I know it's the most
sexier or fascinating a job

but it pays bills.

- Yes, but does it fulfill your soul.

- It fulfills my sole
purpose of making money.

- Okay, all right, so
you're one of those guys.

Is that what it's all about
for you, the cash-ola?

- Well, it is for now.

Anyway, what about you?

Kevin told me that you
work in an art gallery.

Is that always been
your lifelong ambition?

- No, but it's creative

and it's a good place
for me to study my craft.

- Oh cool, which is?

- Photography.
- Ah, no way.

You're a photographer?

- Yes, no, well, no, I used to dabble.

I own a camera .

- So what do you do at the gallery?

You pick up the pieces?

- Yeah, sometimes.
- Cool.

- Why?

- Oh no, it's just that I thought

the whole Damien Hirst
exhibition was awesome.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Wait a minute.

How do you know about that?

- I may have done some research
online before our date.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

- You googled me?

- Well, yes, I googled
you, but let me explain.

I just wanted to let myself
know what I was in for before.

- And what else did you find out?

- What didn't he find out?

- I know Google, is that you?

Again, why do you always
have to ruin everything?

- Because I'm the world's
number one search engine.

That's why, and Casey.

- What are you doing?

- Well, if you googled me

I think it's only fair
I google you right back

don't you?

- No, no, not at all, that's not the rule.

You cannot believe everything
that you read on here.

That's...

Can I just...

All right, that was a
fraternity hazing ritual.

That is bad spray tan.

That's...

No, that's another Aaron Goldfarb.

Okay, hotshot, okay, I
didn't search had enough

the first time.

So let's see what other
dirt I can find on you.

- Wait.

- Oh my!

- In your high school
production of Hello Dolly-

- That's bad.

- You were Dolly.

- How embarrassing.

- I went to an All-Boys Academy.

And I'll have you know,
the school newspaper

people call my work "oddly compelling."

Wait, can we please just
call the truce please?

- Okay,
- Okay,

- Phones down.
- Yes back in their holsters.

Turn, yes, boom.

So we both have things
floating around on the internet

that we're not proud of.

- Yes, and there's no way
to get rid of them either.

Believe me I've tried.

- You know what, I
think it's funny, right?

The internet is supposed
to be this great way

of connecting people or whatever.

But I actually think that
it's doing the opposite.

Especially when it comes to dating.

- I agree, I think when
you can find out everything

you would ever wanna know about somebody

before meeting them,
what's the fun of that?

- Right, right.

It's like you make all
these unfair judgments

about someone without ever
seeing the person face-to-face.

- Or experiencing what it's
like to interact with them.

- Yes, to hear their voice.

- God forbid, maybe touch them.

- Would you please explain
to me that hand move?

- Dude, I can't believe she
totally put her hand on you.

- What, that, that was nothing.

- Yes, I know Gabe.

But I'm trying not to
make a big deal out of it.

So sh.

- Look at me Case,

now, do you wanna find
something genuine and meaningful

like I have with Kevin or not?

- Yes, I mean, in theory.

- You got to start playing it slow.

'Cause landing a quality
guy's like a marathon,

not a sprint to fuck county.

- Dude, whatever it is
you're doing, keep doing it

'cause you might actually
have a shot with this one.

I know I'm as shocked as you're.

- Hi, how are we doing over here?

- Uh, good, good, I'm good, you good?

- Yeah, good.

- Everyone's good.

Whatever, you good?

- Yeah, poop, poop!

- Thank you.

- Here we go, can I get
you guys anything else?

- No, you know what?

Actually, I'm pretty starving.

You wanna grab something to eat?

Food's supposed to be real good here.

- Could eat something, yeah.

- Great, great!

- Great!

Right this way.

- All right, thanks.

After you.

- Yes.

- Hey, hi, how are you doing?

You good?

This is a Meta-Moment where I
directly address the camera.

Have you ever been on a first date

and you really got to pee

but you can't quite work out when to go.

Well, I always recommend
going in between courses

which is right now.

So go to the restroom top up your wine,

do whatever you got to do.

You got three minutes.

So I recommend it's only a pee.

Ready, steady, go!

Yeah, this is literally how
we're doing the interval.

That's a nice lamp.

Got a dead leg already .

Do you mind if I don't smile?

My jaw's kind of aching .

Damn, some nice cushions.

Where did they come from, Walmart?

No, no.

No, no, seriously,

I don't get any more
interesting than this.

Go, go pee, go pee.

Gentlemen, only shake it twice,

more than twice and
you're playing with it.

Madam, did you not plan
on wearing any clothes

for this live stream?

I mean it's fine but it's
just a little disrespectful.

Sir, you be as disrespectful
as you want .

I love a bichon frise.

Hey, what's your name?

I'm a dog whisper.

Did you do it?

I bet you didn't.

Now we're two minutes, 16 in.

I don't know why I chose that timestamp

but it's not particularly important.

Now you got 30 seconds left.

There's a lot you can do in 30 seconds.

Isn't that sir?

Should we do a countdown?

Okay, we're gonna count down from 10.

Ready?

Here we go.

10,

nine,

eight,

seven,

six,

five,

four,

three,

two,

one.

Okay, let's get back to the first date.

- Thank you.

- Here we go.

- Thank you so much.

- Uh-huh.

- Okay, all the best.

So, anything jumping out at you?

- I don't know.

The burger and fries
sounds pretty amazing.

- Sure it does if you're
trying to make weight,

right before a big Sumo
Wrestling Competition,

but not on a first date.

- Why not?

It shows that I'm confident with my body

and I don't have any weird eating issue.

- No, it shows him that you have

an unusually healthy appetite.

And then one day all of
this is gonna go away

and you're gonna end
up on the biggest loser

"Gee, I wonder why I'm
still single" edition.

- That's ridiculous, guys
don't think like that.

I'm getting the burger.

What are you looking at?

- I don't know, maybe the chop salad.

- No, fuck you, you're not getting that.

- What's the big deal?

- Salads are for pussies.

You're getting a burger, rare.

- But I want a salad.

- And I want Taylor Swift

but you know how I'm not getting her

by ordering a sissy salad
with my balls on the side,

on our very first date.

- You're insane, okay?

I'm not listening to you.

I want to chop salad, remember
the chopped salad, okay?

- Made any decisions?

- I'll have the chop salad, please.

- I'll get the burger.

- Thank you, coming right up.

- Thanks.

Salad, what happened?

Thought you were gonna get the burger.

Hope you didn't order the
salad for my benefit, did you?

- No, of course not, why would I do that?

Well, some girls think
that they got to order

a salad on the first date.

They gonna show the guy that they care

about their body or whatever,

which I think is completely
ridiculous .

- You do?

- Well, yeah, for sure, I mean

if honest I'd rather order
some meat and potatoes.

Really just get in there, right?

But that's just my preference.

- So are you telling me

that you don't care
about how a girl looks?

- No, not really, rather she was happy.

- For real?

- Yeah, for real.

I mean it, at the end of the day looks go,

but if you still have things in common,

and can still make each other laugh,

then that's all that really matters, uh?

- You have
got to be kidding me.

- You're not really gonna fall
for this bollocks, are you?

- Come on guys, leave us alone,

you have no right to get
in the middle of this.

- We have every right to
get in the middle of this.

- We're your past.

- And your future, love.

- Look, you guys satisfied
a very specific need

at a very specific time.

But thankfully that phase is over.

- You always think it's over.

- You like bad boys Casey,
not this, it's who you're.

- Why fight it?

- Tell me, Aaron, have
you ever been arrested?

- Sorry?

- Done any jail time, I'll even
count juvie, I'm not picky.

- Oh no, no jail time here
to visit Alcatraz once.

Hey, fun fact.

- How about drugs, ecstasy,
coke, methamphetamines

ever had what people might call problem.

- Tried mushrooms in college
one night accidentally.

That's why I make my own pizzas now.

- Random piercings, tattoos,

I'll even settle for henna .

- No, I'm a little confused by this.

Where are these questions coming from?

- Listen Aaron, I think
you were really sweet.

Really put together a guy

but I'm usually more
attracted to bad boys.

- And I guess that means
that you think that I'm-

- Not a bad boy, which is totally fine.

You're who you're.

It's just not what I normally go for.

- Right, yeah.

But I may not be a bad boy

in the traditional bad
boy sense of the word.

But that doesn't mean

that I've never done anything bad before.

- Have you?

- Yeah, there's a lot of layers here.

We've been talking for what?

Like an hour?

That's barely scraping the
surface of who I really am.

- All right, maybe I don't
know what I'm talking about.

How about you tell me
something bad that you've done.

- Yes, gladly.

You mean now?

Okay, fine, something bad.

Okay, got it.

One nightstand, done it.

This guy, okay, boom!

- Have you?

- Yes Casey, I have.

Can you just define exactly
what nightstand means?

You wanna get your phone?

- Absolutely not, I'd
rather stick with this.

- You can get it.

I don't mind if you get your phone.

- Yeah, see, that's what this amazing

new invention called "voicemail's" for.

Now, let me clarify.

- Hey, It's Casey.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

- My definition of a one night stand

is meeting some random girl in a bar,

having your way with her and
then never seeing her again.

Is that what you did?

- No, no, not exactly.

- Who was she?

- She was my next door
neighbor all of growing up.

But it affected our
relationship in a bad way, so-

- Listen, Aaron, I appreciate the effort

but I think before this
date goes any further,

I think we should just admit

that this is maybe not a love connection,

- But-
- No,

you're really, really great guy.

And I think there's a perfect
girl out there for you.

It's just...

What I'm trying to say is I
really think we should be-

- Okay, sorry.

Hold on one second.

Did I miss something?

Because I was actually
under the impression

that the state was going pretty well,

but now the meal, isn't it even here yet,

and she is about to put me smack dab

right in the middle of the friend-zone.

Do you have any idea what that means?

- The friend-zone is for
platonic relationships only

no grouping.

- And here we go.

- The friend-zone is for
last-minute party advice

because the guy she really
likes can't make it.

No oral pleasure.

- How did I end up here?

Again, sure, maybe there were a few things

that I could've done differently.

But just to thrust me back into the-

- The friend-zone is
for emotional support,

self-esteem boosting and
torturous mind games,

no penetration.

- It just seems a little harsh, right?

I just don't get it.

I'm always destined to be that guy,

sweet, the ever faithful,
loyal, dependable buddy.

Dear God, I'm not a man, I'm
a fuckin' puppy .

- I'm sorry, what did you say?

You just wanna be my-

- Friend, I think we should be friends.

- Uh, no, thank you for
that kind offer Casey.

It's a lot to think about, so thank you

because who doesn't need
more friends, right?

'Cause friends are the
flowers in the garden of life.

So let's just plant the seed
of friendship and see how it...

Can you just excuse me for one second,

I'm gonna go to the bathroom

and try and drown myself
in the urinal, okay.

- So tell me, how's it feel
being a relationship assassin?

- Lauren, give it a rest.

- I just don't understand,

you claim to want what Kevin and I have,

but when you find a guy

who could actually give
you all those same things,

you totally sabotage it.

- I know, I have a problem.

- You really do.

What does your therapist say about this?

- Blah, blah, blah.

- Blah, blah,
blah, fear of commitment.

- Can you be a little more specific?

- Not really 'cause
that's pretty much exactly

what I hear in my head
every time I talk to him.

- Okay, then just talk to me.

I'm your sister, and even I don't get it.

- Get what Lauren?

- These walls you put up.

We're family and I can't
even begin to break

through this hard exterior of yours.

- Well, keeping you at arms length.

I do consider one of my
most crowning achievements.

- Joke, all you want, we
both know all this bravado

is really just you being
afraid of getting hurt.

I mean, let's be honest.

The same thing that happened
with your photography show.

- It wasn't ready.

- No, you weren't ready

'Case you had all these amazing photos

and a gallery that was
willing to exhibit anything

you wanted to give them.

And right at the last
second, you backed out.

It's the same thing with
every single guy in your life.

There's always some reason
or another lame excuse

as to why things don't
work out over and over-

- Okay, Lauren, I get it.

Hey, you're back?

- Yeah, I'm.

But you know what?

Not for long, I'm gonna head out.

- Dinner hasn't come yet.

- Yeah, I know friend,

but no, it's getting kinda late friend.

So I'm just gonna skedaddle out of here.

- Okay, I get it.

You're a little mad at me right now.

- No, no, no, no, I'm not mad at you

because friends don't get
mad at friends, friend.

So I'm just trying to process

and adjust to this new form of friendship.

So I just feel like I
need to do that by myself.

That's all Friend-o.

- Yeah, fine, great, let's get the bill.

- Finally, something we
can agree on, Mazel Tov.

All right, if only we could
find that frickin' waiter.

'Cause he's always here,

apart from when we need him, friend.

- Thank you

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

please sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Sit, thank you.

Now as some of the
regulars here already know

I do a little writing and
performing on the side.

Very little.

That's why I've been
stuck in this rat hole

for way too long .

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

There are no rats.

We use them all in the bolognese,

I'm still kidding.

Still, if you'd indulge me
for the next few minutes

I'd like to share with you my
latest musical extravaganza.

Hit the lights, Jorge.

This goes out to all the lover
and future lovers out there.

I'm looking at you table four.

- Oh my God.

- Sweet Jesus.

- That was my Nathan lane.

Okay .

- Well, that wasn't too awkward.

Kinda like when my dad
chaperoned the sock Hop

in Junior High and forced
me to slow-dance with him.

Oh, you think that's funny.

Oh yeah, great, I'm glad I amuse you.

- Here we go, one chop salad for the lady

and one manly burger for the gentleman.

- Yeah, thank you, but
actually, you know what?

I don't think we're good.

- Okay, I think you're being
a little over-dramatic.

The food's here, I think we
can enjoy one meal together.

- Fine, fine, one very quick meal.

- Bon appetite.

- So BDS, what are we
supposed to talk about now?

- What do you mean?

- I just mean, usually on
your other blind dates,

once you've destroyed guy's spirit

and then question your
overall attraction to the man

and then let them know
in no uncertain terms

that they do not have a snowball's chance

in hell of hooking up with you.

What do you talk about next?

- All right.
- The weather?

- All right, the way I see
it is you have two options.

You can sit here and be angry guy

for the rest of the meal

or you can turn that frown upside down

and take advantage of
this golden opportunity.

- Oh, this golden, what golden opportunity

are you talking about exactly, uh?

- I apologize if my obvious lack of tact

and blunt, honesty offended you.

But, I happen to know
lots of single eligible,

attractive women.

And if you play your cards right,

I could be the one who sets
you up for your soulmate.

- She has lots of single women.

- You know lots of single women?

- Tons of 'em and they're
crawling all over the city.

- Okay, fine, yeah, really, I mean

maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way.

I see we go over this
like we just met, right?

There's no history here,
we got nothing, right?

So if it's not you or me,
then maybe it's me and-

- Countless others.

- Okay, okay, okay, I'm game, right?

Who do you got in mind?

- Well, it depends what's your type?

- I don't know, not too
specific, maybe just...

- Didn't I tell you
to leave Allison out of this?

- Okay, right, yes, you're right, sorry.

Moment of weakness, won't
happen again .

You know what, I'm not picky, you decide.

- Okay, so do you want a good girl

who you can take home to mom and dad

or do you want a more
adventurous rebellious girl

who's definitely way more fun in the sack.

- Oh, wow, you know what?

I think Dad would be thrilled
with either at this point.

- But what about mom?

- That's hard to say.

- Oh, why, will you always
be her adorable widdle boy

and no girl will ever
be good enough for you?

- Nope, it's not that-

- Could you not let you go?

Is she one of those overbearing
Jewish mothers who just-

- My mom is dead Casey.

She passed away when I was in 10th grade

before that she was so driven

and career obsessed that
I hardly ever saw her.

- Wow, I feel like a total jerk.

- Oh no, no, no, it's fine.

- I guess I just assumed that-

- What, that I came from
some perfect drama-free home?

Yeah, I've been picking up on that.

- So how did...

Sorry, do you mind
talking about this stuff?

- Oh, it's not really first date material,

is it now, Casey?

But hey, since we're no
longer on first date,

it's ripe for discussion.

- What happened?

- Well, she was born with a defect

in one of the valves in her heart

which most people can live
with their entire lives

but she had a pretty
stressful demanding job

with a law firm,

which probably definitely made it worse.

And then by the time that
she started showing symptoms

it was pretty severe.

So they rushed her for emergency surgery

and I guess there were a
few complications and...

And why am I telling you this?

- Because I'm a good listener.

And if I haven't shown it tonight,

the dark secret about me

is that I'm actually very sensitive.

Did you get to say goodbye?

- Yeah, briefly.

But it was at the hospital.

So it was rushed and we didn't
know what was gonna happen.

You know what the crazy part?

Is that a couple of days later

I was going through my sock drawer looking

for a matching pair socks
to wear to the funeral

and I found a letter
that she had written me,

right before she left for the hospital.

She must have thought
that there's a chance

that she wasn't coming back, so-

- What did the letter say?

- I don't wanna make the same
mistakes my mum did, Casey.

I won't make the same mistake she did.

- What about this whole getup?

All the hard work,

it sounds like you're
doing the exact same thing.

- Nope, nah, I don't care
about any of that stuff.

None of any of this, that's just my job.

That is not me.

I just wanna learn as
much money as I can now

so that I do not have to miss
out on anything like that.

You're pretty popular tonight, uh?

Get it, please, I don't mind.

- No.
- No, go.

- Not at all.

- Hey, it's Casey.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

- Wait, hold on.

Stop the music, stop the music!

I don't wanna sing anymore.

Okay, shit.

Listen up bitch.

What's the deal?

'Cause this is like my third
unreturned phone call tonight

which is starting to
make me seem desperate.

And Reggie doesn't do desperates.

I mean, correct me if I'm
wrong, but did we not agree

when we met doing
karaoke and bonding over,

"Love is a battlefield"

that we would be best friends forever?

Well, I'm pretty sure
BFFs pick up the phone

when the other BFF calls, right?

I mean, What's going on?

One date and you're already
choosing him over me!

Could it really be going that well?

Or did he shove you into the
back of his creepy white van

and your phone's lying in a ditch

at the side of the road somewhere?

Oh my God, you're not dead, are you?

Oh my God, you're totally dead.

It seems to me, we have two options here,

either A you're having a wonderful time

and purposely choosing to ignore
the real love of your life,

or B you're totally dead

and he's making a dress out of your skin

at this very moment.

Either way, you've left
me with no other option

but to come to the restaurant.

So just to wrap up, I hope you're alive.

And I very much look forward to the scene

that I'm about to cause.

Oh, and later skank.

- All right, okay, you
can stop staring at me

with your mouth hung up
open like that, all right?

You're starting to make
me feel like a freak.

No, it's just, I'm rarely
surprised by somebody

and you just totally surprised me.

- Why, 'cause my mom died?

Let me tell you, that
is nothing, all right?

Wait until you hear about
my new just uncle Harry

and my kleptomania cousin, Carol,

because them, some stories.

- No, I'm surprised by how
open and honest you just were.

Most people build up walls
and are not like that.

- Yeah, well, I told you I'm
an open book, wasn't lying.

How's the salad?

- Oh, good, yeah.

You want a bite?

- Yeah, sure, you want a bite of this?

- All right, yeah.

- All right, cool, get in there.

Take that, I'm gonna do this.

That's coming in here, a little coming.

Oh good, very, very good.

Wanna do a little swapsies?

- I'm game if you're.

- Game on, let's do it Put
this here, give me your fork.

And I'm gonna steal
this little pickle spear

and I'll show you what I do.

- Am I going crazy, or am
I starting to dig this guy?

And don't say it's because
he played the dead mom card

'cause I really don't think that's it.

Believe me I'm starting
to like puke in my mouth

as I say this but I actually think

he's got a really good heart.

And despite his obvious
lack of bad boy standing

there's a definite charm

and strangely attractive quality to him.

Could it be that I am...

Maybe sort of in a
roundabout way into him?

- Oh, I love pickles.

All right, so come on,

I'm waiting, anybody springing to mind?

- For what?

- To set me up with.

- Oh, yeah that.
- Yeah, right?

- Right...

Okay, well there's my friend Nina.

- Nina, Nina, Nina, what's she like?

- Actress, a little cray-cray,

touch of the bipolar, but so sweet.

- Right, well, with a
recommendation like that,

who else you got?

- There's Trish, super-cute, super-clingy.

Girl meets a guy and just
clings on for dear life,

like a perky little barnacle

if you're into that kind of thing.

- You know what?

I do prefer my barnacles a
little less clingy, you know?

- Okay, well I have this
new friend called Allison.

That could actually be quite good.

- Sorry, did you say Allison?

- Yes, she just got
out have a relationship

but she's ready to start dating again.

- What's her last name?

- What is her last name?

Allison...

Allison...

Weaver, Allison Weaver.

- Wow, thank God.

- Why do you know her?

- No, I just thought you're
gonna say someone else.

- Who?

- Allison-

- Aaron, I want you to
think very carefully,

before you do this.

- Zuckerman, Allison Zuckerman, yeah.

- Who's Allison Zuckerman?

- Yeah, Aaron who is Allison Zuckerman?

- She's just a girl that used
to be my fiancee.

Allison Zuckerman used
to be my fiancee, yes.

- What's the point in imagining me

if you're not gonna listen
to a freakin' word I say!

- Oh, I didn't know you were engaged.

Wait, was she the girl who was mute?

- No, that would be
wishful thinking .

- Wow, so how close were
you to getting married?

- Pretty close I'd say.

- Had you sent out the invitations?

- Yeah, yeah gifts had been
bought, band been booked.

and people were taking their
seats if memory serves.

- No, she left you on your wedding day?

- No, well, she left me standing there

all alone under the chuppah .

- Why would she do that?

- I don't know.

Although I found her sprinting
off in the parking lot

and she did say one thing to me.

- Which was?

- Sorry, Aaron, I just can't do this.

- I just can't do this?

- Yep.
- What is this girl's address?

'Cause I am in the mood to cut a bitch.

- No, no, come on, I'm
sure she had her reasons.

- Whatever reasons she had,
you don't do that to someone.

What was the last time you saw her?

- 14 months, two weeks and three days

or something like that .

- Wow.

- Yeah, no there was pressure
on the both of us, Okay?

So it's fine.

- Why are you defending her?

Are you still in love with her?

- No, not, God, no, all right?

I just...

I don't know, I never got any closure.

And maybe there was a
part of me that thought,

"Well, she would change her mind.

She'd come running back to me."

But I guess I get...

That's why I haven't really dated anyone

or even gotten close to
anybody since she left.

- Wait, are you trying to tell me

that you haven't kissed
anyone since Allison?

- Oh, well that's a very complicated story

but the short answer is no.

- A long answer?
- Also no.

- Okay, right, what I want you to do,

is imagine that she was
here, right here right now.

- What, no, why?

No .

- No, no because we have
to get you past this.

This is something I did
in therapy for years

and me and my dad have
had so many productive

conversations like this.

Okay, can you see her?

- Not so much.

- Oh, come on Aaron, work with me here.

Imagine that she was dressed the same way

that you might've been
the last time you saw her.

Can you do that?

Can you see her now?

- Yeah, you could say that.

- Okay, now I want you to say everything

you've waited 14 months, two weeks

and three days to say to her.

Don't hold back.

- Hello, Allison.

- Hey, Aaron.

There's something you wanna say to me?

- No, I-

- Come on you can do this.

- Yes, actually, I...

Yes I do.

Is that too much?

- Not enough.

- Okay.

You're doing great.

- How did that feel?

- So good, great like I feel alive again,

like rejuvenated and energized,

like a giant soul sucking bitch weight

has been lifted off my chest, you know?

Whoa!
- See, I told you so.

- I've never been so proud of
you in my whole entire life.

It's like the pupil
has become the teacher.

- Hi.
- How are we doing over here?

- Oh, we're good, thank you.

- Are you guys finished?

- Yeah, I think we're.

- Well, can I get you guys
anything else this evening?

Dessert, coffee, another
food-related production number?

- No, no.
- No, no.

- Thank you.

- Your loss, here you go.

- Why don't I get this?

- No, no, please let me.

- Should we split it?

- No, because I think
this may be the one thing

that I have over all of your exes.

So please, please just let me have this.

- Thank you, Aaron.

- You're welcome.

You know what?

I may be setting myself up here
for some hardcore rejection

but I am feeling rather
empowered right now.

So fuck it.

I don't wanna go out
with your friends, Casey.

I wanna go out with you.

Now listen, we have a great rapport.

I mean, we both love Quantum Leap, right?

And in a brief time, you've
helped me help with my ex drama.

Now I know this may sound crazy

but I actually think that
your particular brand of edgy

and a creative might
actually be good for me.

And I think that my
particular brand of structure

and stability might
actually be good for you.

And I know, oh wow, I know
that I am not usually the guy

that you would go out with

but you know that hasn't
worked out so much in the past.

So maybe it's time to
try something different.

So, Casey, what do you say?

- All right, buddy, good try.

But I think you got your answer.

Let's wrap this thing up.

- Okay, tell you what?

Here, you have my number.

If you wanna hang out
again, you let me know.

If not, thank you for a
very memorable evening.

- Did you just let him walk out of here?

Because I'm pretty sure you
just let him walk out of here.

Why did you let him walk out of here?

- Everything all right?

- No, not at all.

- Oh my God.

- Can I help you?

- Yeah, I'm looking for my friend.

Attractive dress, kind of
funky, wordly inconsiderate.

She told me she was meeting

some random guy here for a drink.

- Oh, but you just missed them.

- Okay, a quick question.

Did she look like she was
having the time of her life

or did she was fighting for her life

and just so you know if you're wrong,

her blood is on both of her hands!

- All right, look, I don't know
exactly what's going on here

but why don't you take a
seat and try to calm down?

- That's a good idea,

I guess I get a little
worked up sometimes.

People tell me I have a very vivid

and overactive imagination.

- Oh, don't we all?

- You do too?

- Who, me?

Oh, well, well sure.

I'm always dreaming something up.

Some new recipe or a useless invention.

I even write some songs

and a little love poetry on the side.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

- Hey, can I hear some?

I'm Reggie

- I'm available.

- Hi, remember me?

I'm the girl a few minutes ago

who just let you walk out the restaurant

without saying goodbye.

- Yeah, that sounds vaguely familiar.

- Oh, here I am.

- Here you're, you're lost?

Is that what this is of you?

Wait, did I leave
something in the restaurant

other than my dignity?

- I thought that you might walk me home

if you want, no pressure.

- Sure, I'd love to.

Just wait, I just got to
do a little limber here.

You can never be too safe,

you wanna get in on this?

- No, I'm good.

- You should do the hips as well, you did?

You're ready?

- No, no, yes.

- After you.
- All right.

- Wait, you don't live in Hoboken?

- No, just around the corner.

- Oh, well, that is great.

That is...

That is great.

- Quit stalling
and tap that shit already.

Okay, you're gonna give him
one quick kiss on the cheek

but that's it, V-town is
close to the public tonight.

Got it?

- Do you who hates you?

The entire male species.

- It's a definite possibility.

Blah, blah, blah more therapy.

- Well, this is my place.

- Oh, big building, excellent
structural engineering,

bricks and the columns.

- Thank you, I designed it my self.

- All right...

Goodnight.

- Goodnight Aaron.