Fatty Finn (1980) - full transcript
Fatty Finn raises dough for a new radio. Along the way, he encounters mishaps with a gang of bullies.
(children playing)
(children singing multiplication)
(child laughing)
- Oh bum, the last day of the
first term brung a big change
in my life, owing to the
running of the grand final.
(frog croaks)
(children playing)
Just this is one more race, Trumper.
Put you at the start, got
me life savings on you.
- Look at your beautiful muscles.
- It's certainly an important occasion.
- Too right. Win this one
and I got me heart's desire.
- Blimey, look at Bruiser Murphy.
- [Children] (chanting) Bruiser,
Bruiser, Bruiser, Bruiser!
- He looks eerily confident,
he's got something
up his sleeve.
- Nah, just cracking hardy.
He knows he'll lose.
- Plan B all ready to go?
- Yeah.
- Contestants,
frogs in the middle.
(all speaking)
- Get out the way, beat it, go on.
- It's a cane toad. Listen
Bruiser, that's no frog.
It's a prehistoric monster.
- He squashed Albert!
- He's a genuine Australian frog.
My uncle Benny brung him back
from Queensland in a box.
- I raised him from a tadpole.
- His name's Frankenstein
and he'll win easy.
- I'm gonna appeal;
appeal to the stewards.
- So am I.
- Appeal away.
You're history, Finn. So is the Finn gang.
From now on, the Bruiser Murphy gang's
going to be kings of the neighbourhood.
- He squashed Albert, I
raised him from a pole.
- Shut up, kid.
(children arguing)
- The stewards are being bribed, I reckon
and like the the crooks they were,
they ruled straight away
that Bruiser Murphy's
Queensland cane toad was a
true and honourable frog.
I was a desperate man.
(children arguing)
Plan B.
- Roger.
- You can't plan B Fat, that's cheating.
- You gotta fight with fire with fire.
But this time I was gonna
fight with fire water.
For I had carefully soaked a selection
of juicy grasshoppers in sweet Sherry.
No frog could resist such a banquet.
Except Trumper, of course,
who was a strict Presbyterian.
- He's a frog!
(children fighting)
- Feathers out, hold them
up, you know the rules.
Feathers only, no pins or broken bottles,
no treading on other contestants,
no interference on the field,
instant disqualification
if you swap frogs in mid-swim.
May God smile on this great occasion!
(children cheering)
- Go on Frankenstein, go
on, go on Frankenstein!
You can do it, come on, come
on Frankenstein, come on!
- Come on, you can do it, come on.
- Come on Trumper, come on Trumper.
Come on boy, I know you'll make it.
Come on, come on Trumper, you can make it!
Come on!
(children cheering)
- Come on Franky, you can beat Trumper.
Come on.
(children sheering)
- There's Darcy, there's Darcy.
I think he's gone to sleep.
- He's drunk, I think.
- Come on Franky, you can
beat that Trumper thing.
Come over here.
(frog croaks)
Frankenstein, speak to me, mate.
Come on, what's wrong with ya?
- Aw, he's drunk, I think.
(frog burps)
- Flamin' Finn.
(children cheering)
- And the winner is Trumper!
Owned by Fatty Finn
(children cheering)
♪ Hip hip, hooray, hip hip, hooray! ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn ♪
♪ His name is Hubert Finn,
he's really very thin ♪
♪ But everybody down the lane,
they call him Fatty Finn ♪
♪ And Tilly is the girl,
the apple of his eye ♪
♪ Seasy, Skeet and Lolly
Legs are always at his side ♪
♪ Headlights can't fight,
Skeet is just too small ♪
♪ Seasy's very easy-going,
Lolly Legs is tall ♪
♪ That's all, we are the gang! ♪
♪ We're Fatty's gang,
hooray for Fatty Finn ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn, he's not fat ♪
♪ He's really very thin, hooray
for Fatty Finn, hooray! ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn, hooray! ♪
♪ Everybody wins when they
go round with Fatty Finn ♪
♪ Bruiser Murphy leads the
gang who hated Fatty Finn ♪
♪ His band of bullies wanted blood ♪
♪ but they could never win ♪
♪ I smell a rat, who's name is that? ♪
♪ It must be Fatty Finn. Hooray! ♪
♪ Hooray, hooray for Fatty Finn! ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn,
hooray for Fatty Finn ♪
♪ He's not fat, he's really very thin ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn, hooray! ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn, hooray! ♪
♪ He's not fat, he's really very thin ♪
♪ Algemore Snootle very
richly lives upon Snob Hill ♪
♪ His sister's just a pain in the neck ♪
♪ but he's a big deal ♪
♪ I say, I say, hip, hip hooray! ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn,
hooray for Fatty Finn! ♪
♪ He's not fat, he's really very thin ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn, hooray! ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn, hooray! ♪
♪ Everybody wins when they
go round with Fatty Finn ♪
(chalk squeaking across board)
(children giggling)
- Not one word.
Any of you!
(frog croaks)
Just once more, Michael Murphy.
Just once more.
Wipe that smile off your
face, Michael Murphy.
- One, two, three!
- [All] Hooray!
(whipping)
- Sorry, Bruise.
(bell chiming)
(children shouting)
- I walked out past the old school bell
and into the main holidays
with a merry heart.
For in my sugar bag was enough
to buy what I always wanted.
What I always wanted was a crystal set,
a modern miracle of wireless communication
on which a bloke could listen
to the great Don Bradman,
our most famous batsman, flay
the Poms in the test cricket
in far away Great Britain, on
the other side of the planet.
There was not a moment to lose either
because the first test started
in only 13 days time and
crystal sets were scarce
as hen's teeth and times were hard.
♪ Our Don Bradman, now I
ask you, is he any good? ♪
♪ Our Don Bradman, as a batsman
he is certainly "plum pud"♪
♪ Tate and Larwood meet their fate ♪
♪ For it's always "shut the gate" ♪
♪ When the boy from Bowral
hits four after four ♪
- [Radio Host 1] (indistinct)
- [Radio Host 2] Don Bradman said today,
Australia was behind him, couldn't wait
for the start of the first
cricket test against England
in two weeks time.
- [Finn] Gee, two weeks to go!
- It's not enough.
- What?
- It's not enough.
In fact, it's very, very little.
Nine pence the lot.
- Nine pence?
- Times are hard.
Eight pence.
- No, didn't reckon you'd do a swap.
I didn't reckon you'd go as low as that.
- Look, Mr. Finn.
I like you.
- I don't like you very much.
- I'll do you a favour.
- Yeah?
- I will keep it for
you here in the window.
Reserved for 13 days until
the end of the school holidays
and if by then you have
earned enough money,
you can pay me for it then.
- But can't I have it
if I give you a deposit?
I've got this yo-yo.
- No.
- But I got to have it
by Friday a week so I can hear the test.
Sit up all night and listen to it.
- So try harder.
- 17 and six.
That's more than my dad saves in a year.
Where am I going to
get 17 and six, Mister?
- Use your enterprise.
(bell chimes)
- Pal, come on.
At least I got you, Pal, my little mate.
Enterprise (whispers indistinctly)
- Hubert, eat your porridge.
- Ugh.
- Don't you ugh me, young man.
You don't know how lucky
you are getting porridge
for breakfast in the first place.
- That's right, son, don't irk your mum.
She works very hard.
- Yes, I do.
- I know you do, Mum,
and I love you for it
but this porridge is rotten.
- You see, dear? He loves you for it.
I've got to agree.
This is rotten. I think
it's got weevils in it.
- Oh John, I'm sorry.
- That's all right, Em.
You weren't to know. What would
you like for Mother's Day?
- Ooh, well. If it's not too expensive,
I'd like a new mangle for the laundry.
- Would you?
- If it's not too expensive.
You see, I'm just a little tired
of wringing out the clothes
by hand in the kitchen sink.
- It's not too expensive, of course not.
I'll raise the money, as a man.
- What are you doing, dad?
- Off you go, boy.
Why don't you, why don't you
feed the weevily porridge
to Mrs. Hogan's chooks?
- Oh, what a good idea!
Mrs. Hogan's, chooks love weevils.
They're rich in protein.
- Maybe I'll take my money box with me.
- Thank you.
- What could have gotten into that boy?
- Just growing pains, dear.
His new teeth are coming through.
I think he's saving up for something too.
I wonder what it could be.
- Mertle, we're very lucky to have
a boy like Hubert. - Oh, I know.
Oh John, I'm so happy,
even in this neighbourhood,
thirty shillings a week,
I've still got you.
- My dear, I know things were better once
and they'll be better again, soon
and you'll get your
mangle for Mother's Day.
I promise.
- Oh John, I believe you.
Thousands wouldn't but I do.
- I twigged right then
that if I did get the money
for the crystal set before Mother's Day,
I would be well and truly in the poo.
'Cause dad would sting me
for a loan the way he did
for mum's birthday last year
when he was on the dole.
So I had to get the money quick smart
but how was I to do it?
Come on Pal-Pal.
(dog barks)
Only one sure avenue
seemed open to a joker
of my quick brain and flying feet.
To wit, a job of message runner
for Tiger Murphy the bookie.
There was one very big obstacle
standing astride this aforesaid avenue.
The obstacle's name was Bruiser Murphy.
- What do you want,
Finn? This is my alley.
This is my whole block.
- I came to see your dad.
- My dad, who do you think you are?
- Yeah, who do you think you are?
- Look, Bruise, I'm sorry
I poked you in the back.
It was just an irresistible impulse
and it won't happen again but Bruise,
I'm in a bit of trouble and
if I could just get a job
working for your dad so's
I can make a few bob.
Look, Bruise, you can trust me.
I'm a good bloke, really and
I know you're a good bloke.
We're all good blokes deep down.
- You miserable little slug. You slime.
You cockroach. You come down my alley,
ask my dad for a job so you
can buy a lousy crystal set?
- How'd you know that?
- It's like your hide, Finn.
I'm going to teach you a
lesson. One you'll never forget.
- Oh no, oh no, no, no,
no! Anything but that!
(Finn screams)
(children laugh)
- Come on Finn. Have a go, boy.
- Ow!
Man that hurt.
- Just once more.
- I'm going to show that mongrel!
So help me, I will. Show him good.
- Bide your time, Fat. One
day you'll be as big as him,
then you'll show him.
- I'll show him before that.
It's a matter of honour!
- You're at the top, Fat.
You got the champion frog
and the champion goat
three seasons running.
Show him again at the goat
race next week. Show him good!
- Goat race is easy. I wanna
really show the mongrel.
And please let me find a way
I can fix Bruiser Murphy good
and also get me crystal
set before Don Bradman
spifflicates the Poms at Old Trafford.
In return, I promise to do
all my homework next term.
Oh and could I have a fine day tomorrow?
For our last cricket match?
Preferably with a light
southerly wind so I can
deceive Skeet with my off-spinner.
That's all for tonight, I think Lord.
I remain yours faithfully, Hubert Finn.
♪ Our 11, ladies they're best. ♪
♪ Our 11, two in each test ♪
♪ Even how those boys
can wield the willow ♪
♪ (indistinct) feather pillow ♪
♪ How they can bowl. How they can bat ♪
♪ Knocks 'em round and never
cares for this or that ♪
♪ Our 11, they'll be in heaven ♪
♪ When they're bringing the ashes home ♪
And back on the crease
now is Fatty Bradman
and you can feel the tension, now on 196.
and Lovell comes in,
right arm over the wicket
and that ball is hurtling
towards Fatty Bradman
like an express train but cool,
calm and collected, Fatty hooks the ball
right in the centre of the bat
and the ball flies over the
grand stands (horse neighs)
It's a six, a six all the
way and the crowd goes wild!
The police have to be called in
to control the mounting excitement.
What a cricketer this lad
is and only 10 years of age!
Surely the greatest test double century
I've seen in donkey's years!
There are people running
all over the pitch.
Only Fatty Bradman remains
steadfast at his place.
- Ow!
- Mr. Finn!
You are under arrest!
- Oh come on, Claffey!
I didn't mean to. Give
a fella a break, hey?
- Never again!
- My fruit!
- Take a look around you, Mr. Finn.
Now what does this view convey to you?
- It conveys I'm a good
bat. Let me go Claffey.
I can't afford a whole fruit cart.
- No! You must face the music, Mr. Finn.
- How much it cost you, Fat?
- Everything I had.
Cleaned me out. Bang goes me crystal set
and I gotta polish 400
Jonathan apples as well.
Otherwise, he reckons, the vendetta.
- Geeze, I'm sorry Fat.
Shouldn't have bowled you down
that googly.
- Your googly's easy.
I just don't know me own strength.
- Why didn't you run,
Fat? You was in a dream.
- Yeah, I was. Nice dream.
(crickets chirping)
I gotta get me crystal set, Pal.
I got to. I got to use me enterprise.
♪ Up in the morning and off to the fair ♪
♪ Every man and his dog will be there ♪
♪ There'll be Finny and
Rebel and Wally and me ♪
♪ All the fun of the fair ♪
♪ Strolling along on a warm sunny day ♪
♪ Oh how the boys in the
brass band can play ♪
♪ All of the children
with prizes for mother ♪
- Every ride with Hector,
the champion goat!
One penny per passenger.
- Have you got any money?
- Make your fortune now. Roll up, roll up!
- I see a tall, dark stranger
coming to reposess your furniture.
- No, no. Not that.
- And you'll be thrown out into the street
and your whole family
will live in a tin humpy
And your dolly will be sold to the rag man
to buy dog meat for your
starving little sister.
- No, no, no. Not my dolly, no.
(children playing)
- The most successful enterprise
thus far was 'You Bet'
at which any customer, if he was a mug
would bet Skeet he couldn't
do something better than him.
Hang upside down the
longest or spit the farthest
or hold his breath the longest
and make his face the reddest.
Skeet was a dead set moral
to win this from the mugs
because he could hold his
breath until he fainted.
How are you going, Tilly?
- I don't like work much, Fat.
- Do I charge more if
they open their mouth?
- Cripes. Why they want to do that?
- I don't know. There's
some funny people about.
- Do you want a kiss, Fat?
- Ahhh. No, thanks Till.
Got to save me 10% for me crystal set.
I only got eight more days and
I need every penny I can get.
- But it's on the house.
- No.
It wouldn't be fair on
the other customers.
Got to set a good example
now I'm a man of business.
- [Children] (chanting)
Stand up, stand up!
- Morning Finn.
- Morning Snootle.
Can we help you at all?
- I wanted to make perfectly sure
that there is no legal limit
to the number of kisses
I am entitled to so long
as I continue paying.
- Well, no.
So long as you pay up, I guess.
- Right.
Shall we begin?
- Oh, God.
- It was at that point I wondered
whether even a crystal set was worth it.
Watching Snootle pash
away like a big girl,
I resolved to biff him good and proper,
the moment the opportunity
afforded itself.
Knock out a few of his fancy
teeth and improve his looks.
- Roll up, roll up.
Goat races!
Hubert Finn Enterprises,
make your fortune now!
Kissing stalls, lemonade stalls, roll up!
- Listen. You stay out of here.
This is my alley, see?
- Yeah, this is his alley, see.
- Uh-huh.
- And you tell Finn, if he
doesn't shut down his stalls
and move on by sundown, he's for it, see?
Really for it.
- Uh-huh.
- Terrible things are gonna happen to him.
Do you get me?
- Too right.
- Ow!
(girl screams)
Come back here, ya little runt!
(jolly music)
♪ Yo-Ho-Ho, Tee-Hee-Hee, we be
the pirates of the Fat Navy ♪
♪ We be the cruel and
the bloody Captain Finn ♪
♪ I'm Captain Finn, the pirate king ♪
♪ Scourge of the 17 seas ♪
♪ I loved a mermaid name of Till ♪
♪ She lived at the bottom of the sea ♪
♪ Yo-Ho-Ho, Tee-Hee-Hee we are
the pirates of the Fat Navy ♪
♪ We walked the plank with
the bloody Captain Finn ♪
♪ I'm Captain Finn, the pirate king ♪
♪ Robbed all the rich
and gave it back again ♪
♪ And he loved me 'cause I
lived at the bottom of the sea ♪
- Five glasses of lemonade, all right?
- That'll be five pence.
That's still five pence.
That'll be six pence.
- Let's go.
♪ Captain Finn. I'm calling you my dear ♪
- Get off!
♪ I hear you ♪
♪ Come with me, down under the sea ♪
- He can't swim!
♪ Don't be afraid ♪
- [Children] Boo!
♪ Who's scared? ♪
♪ I'm your mermaid ♪
♪ Let's sail away across the sea ♪
♪ Just you and me ♪
♪ And we'll be free ♪
(children fighting)
- Get your hands off
me prize goat, Murphy.
- You wait, Murphy.
(humming)
Okay, let's have a swear first
and then we'll sign our names in blood.
♪ And fight for the right to be free ♪
♪ Win the battle for liberty ♪
♪ Let us all stand together ♪
- We, the Warrata Street Five.
- [All] We, the Warrata Street Five.
- Six counting Tilly.
- [All] Six counting Tilly.
- Do swear by the blood of our ancestors.
- [All] Do swear by the
blood of our ancestors.
- We will spifflicate Bruiser Murphy
before this night is out.
- [All] We will spifflicate
Bruiser Murphy before this night is out.
- Before this night is out.
- Or perish on the field
of honour.
- [All] Or perish
on the field of honour.
- Okay. We got to sign in our own blood.
♪ With our old slouch hat♪
♪ There's be no turning back ♪
♪ For we're marching to victory ♪
Right, alphabetical order.
(patriotic music)
- Fat, I'm a bleeder. Can I
sign in your blood instead?
Just this once.
- Yeah, that's all right.
You're only a girl.
I'll just squeeze out a bit more.
♪ We'll be together
when we're over there ♪
Everyone synchronise their watches.
- None of us has got a watch.
- Yeah but I gotta say that.
- Not if we ain't got watches.
- Forward into battle.
♪ Let us all stand together
and smite our country's foe ♪
♪ And we'll all sing together as we go ♪
♪ Here we come, see them run ♪
♪ Our brave Aussie boys will overcome ♪
♪ On the beaches and in
the air, on the sea ♪
♪ We'll win the battle
when we're over there ♪
- There they are.
Guess what? Bruiser's
gang, swimming in the Nudy.
Don't look, Till.
- Ugh.
- Prepare to launch the itching powder.
- Roger!
- Itching powder ready to launch.
(children playing)
- Drum roll.
(lightly tapping helmet)
(whispering) Fire the itching powder.
(whispering) Fire the paint.
(children screaming)
- You wait, Finn!
- Standby the rotten eggs.
(children cheering)
- You wait, Finn, I'm
gonna kill you, mate!
- What do we do now, Fat?
- Yeah?
- Do I have to do all the thinking myself?
We steal all their clothes,
put them in Hector's cart
and take them away.
(mumbling)
- Bruiser!
- Give me back my roof!
- [Finn] By eight
o'clock the next morning,
the dim sun shone on an
impatient Hubert Finn.
Where was everyone, they should be at work
rebuilding Fatty's Fair.
Uh-oh.
(melancholy music)
What's the matter with you?
- My shoelaces are tied together.
- Well, why don't you cut them?
Or take your shoes off or something?
Cripes, Lolly Legs,
sometimes I worry about you.
- Me too, Fat.
- They starched me plaits.
- Oh, sorry.
Eww, bubblegum.
Boot polish?
- Yeah, it's on me bum too.
Take two years getting this stuff off.
- I keep running into lamp posts.
- We swore a sacred oath to the death.
Though we perish on the field of honour.
Come on, hop to it, get to work!
- I've been appointed shop
steward of the recently
formed Finn Employee's Union, FEU.
We feel that your
percentage is far too high.
- [All] Yeah!
- How much?
Cut the cackle, how much?
- 5%.
- No.
- Then we're going out on strike.
- Go on.
- See if I care.
- Everybody out!
(blows whistle)
- Fellas, come back. We swore
a sacred oath to the death.
- Not 10% to the death, we didn't.
Come on, Till.
- Aw, Till. Not you too.
- I gotta Fat. I can't be a scab.
I'd stay but I'm a good union man.
- Aw Hector. Not you too.
(goat bleats)
- [Goldstein] Use your enterprise.
Six days to go, use your enterprise.
- I'll have that crystal
set in the window.
I can pay cash.
- How is it you can pay
cash, Bruiser Murphy?
I am much intrigued?
- Got it off me dad. A
horse come in at 200 to one.
- You mean he had money on Mud
Gudgeon in the Doonbin Cup?
What a man of genius!
- Nah, but no else did neither.
That's how he made a
packet. My dad's a bookie.
- I rejoice at his good fortune
but cannot sell you the
crystal set. Not yet.
- Why not?
- As shown on the card,
it is reserved for one Hubert
Finn until May the 13th.
- He'll never raise the
dough. Not in a million years.
I'll give you 35 bob.
- You tempt me sorely.
- 36.
- Especially since I too,
be still my heart, lost much
monies thanks to Mud Gudgeon.
- Two quid and call it quits.
- No.
No.
Leave my shop, you tempter.
A pawn broker's word
is his bond.
- That's a laugh.
- Come back on May the 13th
cash in hand and then we will see.
- You missed your big chance, Goldstein.
(door bell chimes)
(whistling)
♪ Come to me, you're my dream of love ♪
♪ I love you as I loved you ♪
♪ When you were sweet,
when you were sweet ♪
- [Woman] Just a minute!
♪ Sixteen ♪
- Wish you'd sing another song.
- There are several in my repertoire.
- Good.
♪ If you were the only girl in the world ♪
♪ And I were the only boy ♪
♪ Nothing else would
matter in the world today ♪
♪ We would go on loving
in the same old way ♪
♪ A garden of Eden just made for two ♪
♪ With nothing to mar our joy ♪
(man cries out)
(boy laughs)
- Get out of here!
- Oh dear, sorry about that.
- Good shot son, you're getting better.
- It wasn't me, Dad. It was Fatty Finn.
- Where is he, son?
- He's ran away.
There he goes, cunning
little mongrel. I'll fix him.
Shooting the poor old Dunny Man.
- You're not happy, are you, son?
- I'm all right, Dad.
- Oh, I think there's something ailing ya.
Step into my office.
Want to talk to you son
about the family name.
Murphy and Son.
Shanghai and Dunny Men.
Not good for the family name, son.
- Yes, dad.
- Neither is letting Fatty
Finn walk all over you
with his gang of rats.
- I'll fix it, Dad. You'll see.
- I don't know if I will, son.
'Cause I reckon you're real stupid.
Wrong side of the blanket, I guess.
- Don't say that, Dad. Finn's for it.
I'll soon be king of the alley again.
- Son, this Fatty Finn's
got your goat, hasn't he?
That's why you're unhappy.
- No. He's got his goat
and his goat always wins.
He's frog and everything he's got.
Finn always wins. He cheats and he wins.
- Wouldn't do to lose the
goat race this year, son.
Not three years in a row.
You better win it this year.
- How am I going to win the
goat race without a goat?
As I ain't got a goat no more?
- Without a goat, I'm
surprised you entered.
- I gotta win the goat
race, even without a goat.
I'll never be able to show
my face around here again.
- Son. This is how you're
going to win the goat race.
You're a dead set moral.
- Dad, he's beautiful.
- I splurged 20 quid on him
when Mud Gudgeon came in.
Five generations of
champion goat blood winner
in this black bearded Satan.
- Jeez, he's nice.
- His name's Bucephalus after
Alexander the Great's horse,
Bucephalus. Together, they made a fortune.
(bells chiming)
(happy music)
- Jeez, what a bonza pacer.
Look at his fetlocks.
- Gee, Fat's in big
trouble with that goat.
We'd better warn him.
- Nah, why should we? He's
not our friend anymore.
- That's right, he's not.
- He's a capitalist pig.
- Yeah, that's right, he is.
- I seen him this morning
down by the linger longer.
After a while, couldn't bear to look.
- What was he doing?
- Newspapers, newspapers,
yesterday's newspapers.
Going cheap. Penny, ha'penny each.
- Good day, boy.
- Yesterday's Sun.
All the news you missed.
- Off the foot path, kid.
- All right, they're a penny
each, you miserable mongrels.
Two a penny
- No, no. Out the way, go on.
- Positively last offer.
Catch up on your ancient history.
- Boy, this paper's got fish on it.
I demand my money back.
- Fish on it? I should charge you extra.
Fish is a penny extra.
- You young scoundrel.
- Go on, Hector.
(goat bleats)
(man screams)
- Get away!
Aww Gawrd
(thunder rumbling)
- Mine's winning, look at it go!
(melancholy music)
- Y es, Mr. Finn?
- I got these bottles, Mr. Zilch.
They're for sale.
(glass clinking)
- Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Would you like to buy
a milkshake, Mr. Finn?
- If I buy bottles from
you, I think you have
a moral obligation to at
least buy a milkshake from me.
All my other customers
have some sense of honour.
- Yeah, why not. Caramel malted.
- Five pence, please.
- Oh, keep the change.
- Why thank you, Mr. Finn.
You're a gentleman and a scholar.
No matter they say.
(whistles)
(rings bell)
- What is it, Hubert?
- Any old bottles, Mrs. Hogan?
Or any old chicken droppings?
- Oh! Hubert!
- Ugh!
Aww Gorsh
- What do you think
you're doing, young man?
Picking bottles in the
street like some common boy
from the slums. I never thought I'd live
to see the day when a son
of mine would sink so low.
- There, there, Myrtle. Times is hard.
Things are crook in Muscle Brooke.
- Why aren't you at
home, weeding the garden
like your father's said.
You will bring me grey hairs
with sorrow to my grave.
- Mum, I was only using me enterprise.
- I'll give you enterprise, my fine
young gentleman. (dog barks, goat bleats)
- It's always darkest
before the dawn, Pal.
There's always a silver lining.
That's what they reckon.
Six days to go and one bob in the kitty.
And the Murphy gang out
after me with fire and sword.
Cripes. Bloke would
have to be an optimist.
- Psst.
Psst!
Hey nipper, can you run a message for me?
It's kind of urgent,
matter of life and death.
- I don't know.
- There's four bob in it
for you at the other end.
Here's the address. Delivered personal.
- No. Four bob at this end.
Matter of life and death,
delivered personal.
- Oh, struth. That's all I
got left in the whole world.
- Matter of life and death for me, too.
'Cause me mum will kill
me if I'm not at home
and the garden's only half weeded.
- Fair dinkum?
- Crikey.
Take it yourself, save your money.
- No, I can't. Look, two bob
now and two bob then, hey?
- Stop thief. Halt, halt
in the name of the king!
(indistinct muttering and whistle blowing)
- [Finn] Maggie McGrath,
sealed with a loving kiss.
You coulda knocked me down with a feather.
Here was I, Hubert Finn
off to see Maggie McGrath,
the queen of organised
crime in the inner city.
I felt very queer, I wasn't scared mind
but it was like I was off
to see Ned Kelly himself.
(knocking on door)
- What's your problem, junior?
- I've got this parcel for
Maggie, delivered personal.
- Right-o, he's clean. Take him to Maggie.
- Okay.
- Lucky I didn't have Trumper along.
- Who's Trumper?
- Me frog.
You would've squashed him.
He's won the championship
three times running.
- No kidding.
- You want some bubblegum?
- Gee thanks. Me favourite brand. Come on.
♪ But she's a mean, mean woman ♪
♪ She's as mean as can be ♪
♪ Well she's a mean, mean woman ♪
♪ She is as mean as can be ♪
- Yeah, what is it?
- He said I get two bob on delivery.
- I don't know if it's
worth it yet. Hand it over.
- You don't get until I get my two bob.
- What! Why you little crook,
I ought to give you the works.
Hold him, Henry.
- Give it to me.
- No fair. I gotta get my two bob!
- It's a mouse!
(gunshots)
(Finn laughs)
- I suppose you think that's funny.
- I just want my two bob.
- Two bob for a mouse?
I'll give you two bob, you little rat!
Oh, what's this?
(laughs) It's from Perce.
(laughs)
What a card. What a card.
Take it.
- Thanks, Miss McGrath!
- Oh, that's all right, kid.
Hey, you come next Saturday and
you can run a message for me
- Beauty!
♪ I am a mean, mean woman ♪
♪ I am as mean as can be ♪
♪ I'm really awful ♪
- 13 shillings, the crystal
set is mine next Saturday!
I'm the wealthiest man in the world!
- Ah, Finn. I've been meaning
to have a talk with you.
- Can't kiss Tilly
anymore, she's on strike.
- No, no, I was wondering if you'd like
to earn a little spare
money over the holidays?
- Well, I need two more bob.
- Oh, I was thinking of a
fair whack more than that.
Would you care to step
into by humble abode?
(piano playing)
(toy train whistle blowing)
I'm bored, Finn, bored to sobs.
I want to be out in the real world.
Partaking of real life,
Finny, will you teach me
the noble art of fisticuffs
for five shillings an hour?
- I don't think I've ever
enjoyed earning five bob more.
Everything I've thunk up to do to Snootle
ever since I seen him
pashing away with Tilly,
I was now getting paid five
bob to do by Snootle himself.
Life can be very rewarding sometimes.
Snootle, wakey, wakeys.
- Excellent, Finn!
- Same again tomorrow,
same fee, five shillings.
- That's okay with me, nice
place you got here, Snootle.
Swap you anytime.
- Really?
How quaint, Finn if you do forgive me,
I was wondering if you might also,
for a similar fee...
- Name it.
Wrestle a crocodile, anything.
- Take my revolting little sister
to her dancing class tomorrow afternoon?
I'm supposed to but I'd prefer to go
to the World Weight Championship
down at the stadium,
down among the real people.
- Dancing class?
What, up on Snob Hill?
- Yes.
- Well, I was going to
go to the fight myself
but I suppose you can't have everything.
- Too true.
- It was good
how things worked out for the best
in the end and for the money
I'd get from the dancing class,
I could buy mum a big box
of milk tray chocolates
for Mother's Day.
(dog barking)
- What are you doing, you scally wag?
- Pal, come back, it's a hanging
offense please come back.
- Come here, ya mongrel!
(dog barking)
- Hound of Satan, it's off
to the dog pound with you.
Oh please, your highness,
I'll pay for the sausages.
It's not a question of
payment or of sausage.
It's a question of the law.
- That's right.
It's a question of the law.
- Oh, please.
Awww
- Don't worry son, you
can keep the sausages.
- Thanks,
Isn't there any way out, Mr. Claffey?
He's the only pal I got
left, all of me mates
is out on strike.
- Well, you could
make a contribution to
the Police Widows Fund.
- How much?
- A quid.
- I haven't got a quid,
how about the sausages!
- 15 bob, a lot of grieving widows.
- All right.
(Coins clink)
- Nicely cost me a packet, little mongrel.
I'll never get me crystal set now.
- Hubert, where on earth
have you been all this time,
young man, out on the streets
instead of weeding the garden?
Your father and I have been worried sick!
Haven't we, John, John?
- Just right.
- Aw mum, I can explain.
- I am not interested
in your explanations any more!
Now you get upstairs this instant
and without any supper young man
and you can spend the whole
day tomorrow weeding the garden
and mowing the lawn and
cleaning the guttering
and washing the dishes
and raking the leaves.
Do you hear me?
- Yes, mum.
- Ah well, you can't win them all.
Wish I could win a few, though.
If it was raining gravy
I'd be holding a fork.
Cripes, I'm hungry.
- Tastes of grit
No criticism intended, my dear.
- No.
Of course not dear, I understand.
- Tastes like a dog's chewed it.
- I lost all the next day doing
slave labour around the yard
for mum, at the end of it all,
I reckon she'd be hard put
getting a box of milk
tray chocolates out of me
for Mother's Day, box of
jaffers if she was lucky.
I snuck off at a late hour
to kick Snootle in the face
for money and there it
was, another five bob
and once again, the crystal
set seemed in me reach
but I shuddered to think what
I had to do next to get it.
- One, two, one, two, three,
one, two, one, two, three.
Feel the music.
- My Sunday best
wasn't good enough for
the twerps up on Snob Hill
and I put a few of them down on me list.
- Don't you know how to comb your hair?
- Listen I don't want
any more of your lip.
Count yourself lucky you
ain't being trod on yet.
- That's no way to speak to a lady.
You're nothing but a low, common brute.
- I'm better at tango than
you are, that's for sure.
- Why are you so melancholy,
I always feel drawn
to melancholy men.
- What?
Several reasons, one is, I should be
at the Welter Weight
fight, instead I'm here
in this monkey suit, making
movements no human being's
ever intended to make.
- I know what you mean.
Dancing is so pointless,
so why didn't you go
to the Welter Weight fight?
- 'Cause I gave me word.
Finn's word is his bond and besides,
I'm getting paid five bob.
- Five bob?
Is that all I'm worth?
(Finn shushing)
I though you were doing
it because you liked me.
I've never been so
insulted in all my life.
- Now look, don't get me wrong.
- I say, is this chap
giving you a spot of bother?
Should I cut in?
- Oh, rack off!
- [Teacher] Turn, turn, turn.
- Don't cry.
- I've never been so humiliated.
- I say, look here.
(children fighting)
- Get out, you hooligan!
(girl crying)
- It was the last five bob
I'd get out of Snootle.
So the crystal set was
in jeopardy once more
and I know I should've
felt glum but I didn't
because I'd just put a large
fraction of the upper class
in St. Vincent's Hospital
and that felt good.
At the end of the day, there was 10 bob
in the kiddie, seven and six to go.
There was still one hope for a killing.
Maggie McGraw and her message.
I would go there first
thing in the morning.
♪ But she's a mean, mean woman ♪
♪ She's as mean as can be ♪
- Well hello gentlemen, my
doors are always open to you.
- Your gun, Maggie.
♪ She's a mean, mean woman,
she's as mean as can be ♪
- Well, we got you cold this time, Maggie.
Running a sly grog shop, you'll be charged
with serving liquor to a minor.
- Who's a miner?
- You're a minor.
- I've never been down a mine in my life.
- Cease and desist, Mr. Finn.
- Ah, let him go, Claffey.
He's only here to run a message for me.
Here's 10 bob for you, kid.
- Oh, Maggie.
- All right, you riff raff.
Come on.
(arguing)
♪ I am a mean, mean woman ♪
♪ I am as mean as can be ♪
♪ I'm really terrible ♪
♪ I am a mean, mean woman ♪
♪ I am as mean as can be ♪
♪ Take it away, boys ♪
- Son, they've been
docking me 10 bob a week
down at work because of
lower company profits
and I haven't had the
heart to tell your mother
and that new Malley's mangle means a lot
to her and tomorrow's Mother's Day
and if she doesn't get it this time
our lives won't be worth living Hubert.
She's a fine woman, your mother
and I'd hate to disappoint her.
Wouldn't we, son?
- How much, dad?
- A quid with what I've got saved.
I'll make it up to you, just you see.
There's a horse running
on Wednesday at Randwick
that's a dead set stone morril.
You can trust your old dad.
(melancholy music)
- Oh John darling, oh you shouldn't have.
Oh, it's just what I always wanted.
- Yes my dear, I know.
- Oh, how could you afford it
on your wages, I'll never say
anything against you again.
My husband and provider and
what did you get me, young man?
- I'm sorry, I forgot.
- Well,
you can forget all about
your Sunday dinner then,
can't you?
- Yes, mum.
Gee, I felt like a swan
down a sewer for a bit
and being paid in Monopoly money.
People were looking down on me.
Was this miserable crystal set worth it?
Would I sink even lower in social status?
Four and a half days left
'till the first test starts
in England and I'm back to scratch.
I look like mad for the silver lining
but maybe it took Sunday off.
- Poor old Fat.
Perhaps we have been a bit hard on him.
- Yes, it's a terrible thing
to see any fellow human being
sink so low.
- He needs us.
And I guess we need him, too.
(children laughing)
- [Finn] Ya coulda knocked
me down with a feather.
There I was, the lowest of the low
but still my mates took me back.
They were true good Samaritans.
Every man Jack of them.
(children singing)
- Want a ride, Tilly?
- I wouldn't ride with you
if you paid me.
- Come on, have a ride.
Give yourself a thrill.
- No.
- I got my eye on you, Tilly,
I think you're real pretty.
- Go away, you stink
worse than Bucephalus.
- Get in or do you want
Finn to get the treatment?
- You leave Hubert Finn alone.
He's twice the man you'll ever be.
- Hubert Finn, that little maggot.
I'll leave him alone
if you get in, won't I?
- Hey, watch this, come on, Bucephalus.
Bucephalus, Bucephalus,
onto Canterbury Double.
I read that in a book, you know.
- Stop skitin', you can't read!
- Hey!
- Quit showin' off!
Hey, slow down!
(bells chiming)
Car horn honking)
(girl screams)
(breaks screech)
(loud crash)
(bird shrieks)
- All right, all a bit of a laugh, hey.
- Now you've done it, ya big lair.
Fat!
- Hi, Till!
Why you puffin'?
- You're up against fed.
Bruiser just got a ticket for speeding!
- What?
- A 10 shilling ticket.
Claffey estimated his
velocity at 40 miles an hour.
It was on the corner of Lange and Wattle.
- What were you doing that far south?
- I was with Bruiser, he gave
me a ride in his goat cart.
- Oh, did he now?
- Yeah.
- I see, I see it all, blow me down.
You're a fickle female,
just like all the rest.
- But he said if I
didn't get in the cart...
- I don't care what he said, Till.
You're a turncoat, let's have a confer.
- Gonna do something about Bruiser.
Something drastic, not
you, you're a turncoat.
Probably spying for Bruiser, ain't ya?
Yeah, tell him about
everything on your next ride.
- No, Fat.
- Get out of it.
Now how are we going to Murphy?
(boys all speaking simultaneously)
Gotta win that crystal set.
(wood creaking)
(yawning) Good morning.
(birds chirping)
- Cripes, what's in this, Headlights?
- Three Cauliflowers from
the garden next door,
two of grandma's old petticoats,
God rest her soul, eight month's worth
of the daily skips from under the house
and six Gideon Bibles.
- Six Gideon Bibles?
- Yes, I think the goats
like the thin paper.
- (whispering) Keep it down, fellas.
Ugh, I think I stepped in a custard apple.
- Gah, no custard apples in Wooloomooloo.
- Dog's poo more like.
- Okay, everybody ready to go?
- Yeah.
- Too right.
- Aye.
- Right-o.
Seasy, it's up to you,
you know I'd go myself
but you're the littlest.
- That's all right, Fat.
- Let me give you me secret grip for luck.
Should old acquaintance be forgotten,
you're a better man than I am Gangadin.
- Here we go into the wild blue yonder.
See you around.
(patriotic music)
♪ In the battle for liberty ♪
♪ Let us all stand together
and smite our country's foe ♪
♪ And we'll all sing together as we go ♪
♪ Here we come, see them run ♪
♪ Our brave Aussie boys will overcome ♪
♪ On the beaches and in the air ♪
(pigs oinking)
♪ We'll win the battle
once we're over there ♪
(chickens clucking)
(whispering) Quiet.
(bird sings)
You too.
(animals all making noise)
- Shut up, ya mongrels or I'll
skin the lot of yous alive!
- Well, they did what you said.
Nice to see somebody does.
- Oh bag it.
- [All] Oh wow!
- Look at him!
- You like, what's his name?
- Bucephalus.
- Are ya hungry Bucephalus?
Look, knickers!
♪ Stand up and fight for
the right to be free ♪
♪ In the battle for liberty ♪
♪ For they'll rue the day that
the Aussies came their way ♪
♪ For we're marching to victory ♪
- Bucephalus, speak to me, mate.
Speak to me!
(goat burps)
Bucephalus, no.
(goat burps)
Come on out Finn, come on
out and fight like a man.
One hand tied behind me back.
- What?
- You leave Hubert alone or
you'll cop this, Bruiser Murphy.
- Ah get out, it's none of your business.
- It is so my business, I live next door.
- Leave her alone or
you'll get a snoot full
of itching powder, Murphy!
- Come on down, Finn.
Come on down and fight fair, one hand tied
right behind me back.
- Not today, Bruise.
I've got to get me beauty sleep.
Make it tomorrow.
- When tomorrow, Finn?
- Tomorrow midday at the gym, lunchtime
but do it right, bring along your seconds
and choose your weapons and that.
- Me weapons is these, bare knuckles
and you better order an ambulance
'cause it won't be much of you left
except the few blood stained rissoles
spread over half a mile.
- You want to bet?
- Tomorrow at midday, Finn, to the death.
- Till.
- Yes, Fat.
- Thanks Till, you didn't have to do that.
- I'm not a turncoat, Fat.
- Course you're not.
Didn't mean that, I was just belly-aching
about the world in general.
- Why'd you say you'd
fight him, Fat, he'll skin you alive.
- I thought I might make a
few bob bettin' by proxy.
Bettin' Bruiser'd beat
me, few more bob to bet
on the goat race.
- He'll skin you alive, Fat.
- Yeah, I know, no way out though, Till.
♪ Behold the silver lining ♪
♪ Where there are clouds
and fields in the sky ♪
♪ Remember somewhere the sun is shining ♪
♪ And so the right thing ♪
- I wish you'd sing some other song.
♪ Makes it shine for you ♪
♪ A heart full of joy and gladness ♪
There had to be a way out,
which didn't make me look
like a yellow belly in front of my circle
of acquaintances but I was blowed
if I could see what it might be.
Until fate in the guise of
Snootle reared it's ugly head.
- Finn, Finn.
- Hi there, Snootle.
I'm sorry I put all that
dance class in hospital
but I was provoked!
- Don't worry, Finn.
How's this, hey, hey?
(punching wall)
- Five bob okay this lesson?
- Only if you stay
on your feet, is that agreed?
- Right-o.
No, no, no, blimey.
- No I've been taking
additional instruction from Jimmy Sharman.
The master, how am I?
- You ain't bad.
You ain't bad at all.
(ding)
(multiple children speaking)
- Place your bets here,
ladies and gentlemen.
You're just in time for the big fight.
- Bruiser Murphy, five, four
and Fatty Finn, three to one.
(children cheering)
- Hey Finn, hope you got
an ambulance waiting.
(children booing)
- That's my boy!
- I hope this'll work.
- So do I.
(children booing)
(children cheering)
- You're doing the wrong thing, Fat.
He'll break your back, Bruiser said,
do you want to throw in the towel?
If you do, you'll be able to
get on the goat race tomorrow.
- Listen, frog face,
I'll be at the goat race
in good health tomorrow.
(children cheering)
- Ah, not in my pants, you drong-o!
On me face!
(children cheering)
Oh, sorry Headlights.
(bell dings)
- You know all the rules,
no thumbs up the nose,
no biting off ears, if punched on the nose
in normal cause of combat, no bleeding
on your opponent's eyes
and may God have mercy
on Hubert Finn, all right, shake hands.
Come in fighting.
(children cheering)
- I feel a little faint,
I'm afraid I'll have
to send in my second.
- Hey?
- He's not gonna fight and he's gonna
send in a substitute.
- He can't do that.
- Oh yes he can, according
to the rules of duelling,
which I just happen to have on me.
- Well Bruise, I'm
afraid he's got you cold.
Send in the second.
- What?
♪ Here we come, see them run ♪
♪ Our brave Aussies boys will overcome ♪
♪ On the beaches and in the air ♪
- There's something brewing.
- Snootle?
Let's go.
- I say, this is quite an occasion.
- Listen!
Just watch his left!
- All right.
Shake hands and come in fighting
and God help us all.
(bell dings)
♪ Stand up and fight for
the right to be free ♪
♪ In the battle for liberty ♪
- Three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, 10, out!
(children cheering)
- Son, hey son, the
family name's in ruins.
We just let five quid cold , you better
win the goat race tomorrow,
otherwise we will have to move
and make a fresh start in Queensland.
- Oh no, not that, dad.
- It's that serious, son.
- I'll win, I promise,
by hook or by crook.
- I'm bettin' my savings on ya son.
So don't you lose.
(children cheering)
- And what a glorious
turnout for this great event.
The annual old school boy goat race.
Thousands of spectators, the
grandstands chock-a-block
with celebrities, I can
see Mo McKaky talking
to premiere Lang and Sir Isaac
Isaac's the governor general
and colourful King's
Cross figure Maggie McGraw
out on bail.
- Good luck, Fatty!
- Keep away from Bruiser,
he's in a bad mood
and I reckon he'll try anything.
- John, I don't want to
look, he's going to lose.
I know.
- There, there.
We've all got to lose some time.
- Yes but we seem to lose all the time.
- [Children] (chanting)
Bucephalus, Bucephalus!
(trumpets sound)
- Ready, set, you all know the rules!
Get to the finishing line
by hook or by crook, go!
- (speaking quickly and indistinctly)
(crowd cheering)
(upbeat music)
- Here come the goats!
- Good luck Mr. Murphy.
- Come on, go, come on, go.
(men screaming)
Mr. Chaffy, look out!
(policeman moans)
(Finn screams)
- Oh, bum.
(Tilly screams)
(children giggle)
(horn honking)
(Tilly screams)
- It's stinky in here,
someone get me out! Heeeelp!
(crowd cheering)
- Oh, oh I do hope he wins!
Although he really doesn't deserve it.
- Why not, dear?
- Oh, I was so upset
that he didn't buy me
a Mother's Day present.
- Em, I have something to tell you.
- Activate Plan C!
- Activate Plan C!
(woman screams)
(crowd cheers)
- Don't hit me, dad, we'll try
and make a go of it in Queensland.
- It's all right, son, don't worry.
I knew I could depend on you.
So I put all me money on Fatty Finn.
We cleaned up, son, thanks
to you being a born loser
and there's your share.
- [Announcer] The under 12
Goat Race Chalice to Hubert Finn.
(applause and cheering)
- Three cheers to Fatty!
- [All] Hooray!
- Hip, hip!
- [All] Hooray!
- Hip, hip!
- [All] Hooray!
(children all speaking simultaneously)
- Congratulations, Fat.
- Gee thanks, fellas.
You been real good friends.
(boys all speaking)
You too, Till.
- That's all right, Fat.
- Look at Bruiser, you
really beat him this time.
- Well, I better shoot off.
- Why?
- To get me crystal set.
A terrible presentment
had slipped into me gullet
and it wouldn't go away,
I break into a trot
but the faster I went, the crooker I felt.
I suppose I could have took a taxi
but being broke is habit forming.
(upbeat music)
- Another customer came
in a matter of moments ago
and made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
I sold him the crystal set.
(sad music)
Business is business.
- Yeah.
Fat lot of good it did
me using me enterprise.
- Ya didn't win this time, Finn.
No one who cheats Bruiser
Murphy dies happy.
- [Finn] Well, what's the use in moping?
I had all my wins so I
bought a bottle of KB
for the old man.
- Cheers, Hubert.
- And a late Mother's Day present for mum.
(gleeful music)
♪ Our Don Bradman, now I
ask you, is he any good? ♪
And so I've got me crystal set.
'Cause dad hawked mum's
mangle to the pawnbroker
but dad's got a second
job now driving Taxis
to get the mangle back and
I sat up all night listening
to Don Bradman, he made
334 runs before Tea .
A world record for all time.
(burps)
(children giggling)
It felt pretty good the first
few days back at school.
I even got to like Bruiser a bit.
I wondered what we'd all get
up to in the August holiday.
(upbeat music)
(children singing multiplication)
(child laughing)
- Oh bum, the last day of the
first term brung a big change
in my life, owing to the
running of the grand final.
(frog croaks)
(children playing)
Just this is one more race, Trumper.
Put you at the start, got
me life savings on you.
- Look at your beautiful muscles.
- It's certainly an important occasion.
- Too right. Win this one
and I got me heart's desire.
- Blimey, look at Bruiser Murphy.
- [Children] (chanting) Bruiser,
Bruiser, Bruiser, Bruiser!
- He looks eerily confident,
he's got something
up his sleeve.
- Nah, just cracking hardy.
He knows he'll lose.
- Plan B all ready to go?
- Yeah.
- Contestants,
frogs in the middle.
(all speaking)
- Get out the way, beat it, go on.
- It's a cane toad. Listen
Bruiser, that's no frog.
It's a prehistoric monster.
- He squashed Albert!
- He's a genuine Australian frog.
My uncle Benny brung him back
from Queensland in a box.
- I raised him from a tadpole.
- His name's Frankenstein
and he'll win easy.
- I'm gonna appeal;
appeal to the stewards.
- So am I.
- Appeal away.
You're history, Finn. So is the Finn gang.
From now on, the Bruiser Murphy gang's
going to be kings of the neighbourhood.
- He squashed Albert, I
raised him from a pole.
- Shut up, kid.
(children arguing)
- The stewards are being bribed, I reckon
and like the the crooks they were,
they ruled straight away
that Bruiser Murphy's
Queensland cane toad was a
true and honourable frog.
I was a desperate man.
(children arguing)
Plan B.
- Roger.
- You can't plan B Fat, that's cheating.
- You gotta fight with fire with fire.
But this time I was gonna
fight with fire water.
For I had carefully soaked a selection
of juicy grasshoppers in sweet Sherry.
No frog could resist such a banquet.
Except Trumper, of course,
who was a strict Presbyterian.
- He's a frog!
(children fighting)
- Feathers out, hold them
up, you know the rules.
Feathers only, no pins or broken bottles,
no treading on other contestants,
no interference on the field,
instant disqualification
if you swap frogs in mid-swim.
May God smile on this great occasion!
(children cheering)
- Go on Frankenstein, go
on, go on Frankenstein!
You can do it, come on, come
on Frankenstein, come on!
- Come on, you can do it, come on.
- Come on Trumper, come on Trumper.
Come on boy, I know you'll make it.
Come on, come on Trumper, you can make it!
Come on!
(children cheering)
- Come on Franky, you can beat Trumper.
Come on.
(children sheering)
- There's Darcy, there's Darcy.
I think he's gone to sleep.
- He's drunk, I think.
- Come on Franky, you can
beat that Trumper thing.
Come over here.
(frog croaks)
Frankenstein, speak to me, mate.
Come on, what's wrong with ya?
- Aw, he's drunk, I think.
(frog burps)
- Flamin' Finn.
(children cheering)
- And the winner is Trumper!
Owned by Fatty Finn
(children cheering)
♪ Hip hip, hooray, hip hip, hooray! ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn ♪
♪ His name is Hubert Finn,
he's really very thin ♪
♪ But everybody down the lane,
they call him Fatty Finn ♪
♪ And Tilly is the girl,
the apple of his eye ♪
♪ Seasy, Skeet and Lolly
Legs are always at his side ♪
♪ Headlights can't fight,
Skeet is just too small ♪
♪ Seasy's very easy-going,
Lolly Legs is tall ♪
♪ That's all, we are the gang! ♪
♪ We're Fatty's gang,
hooray for Fatty Finn ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn, he's not fat ♪
♪ He's really very thin, hooray
for Fatty Finn, hooray! ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn, hooray! ♪
♪ Everybody wins when they
go round with Fatty Finn ♪
♪ Bruiser Murphy leads the
gang who hated Fatty Finn ♪
♪ His band of bullies wanted blood ♪
♪ but they could never win ♪
♪ I smell a rat, who's name is that? ♪
♪ It must be Fatty Finn. Hooray! ♪
♪ Hooray, hooray for Fatty Finn! ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn,
hooray for Fatty Finn ♪
♪ He's not fat, he's really very thin ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn, hooray! ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn, hooray! ♪
♪ He's not fat, he's really very thin ♪
♪ Algemore Snootle very
richly lives upon Snob Hill ♪
♪ His sister's just a pain in the neck ♪
♪ but he's a big deal ♪
♪ I say, I say, hip, hip hooray! ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn,
hooray for Fatty Finn! ♪
♪ He's not fat, he's really very thin ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn, hooray! ♪
♪ Hooray for Fatty Finn, hooray! ♪
♪ Everybody wins when they
go round with Fatty Finn ♪
(chalk squeaking across board)
(children giggling)
- Not one word.
Any of you!
(frog croaks)
Just once more, Michael Murphy.
Just once more.
Wipe that smile off your
face, Michael Murphy.
- One, two, three!
- [All] Hooray!
(whipping)
- Sorry, Bruise.
(bell chiming)
(children shouting)
- I walked out past the old school bell
and into the main holidays
with a merry heart.
For in my sugar bag was enough
to buy what I always wanted.
What I always wanted was a crystal set,
a modern miracle of wireless communication
on which a bloke could listen
to the great Don Bradman,
our most famous batsman, flay
the Poms in the test cricket
in far away Great Britain, on
the other side of the planet.
There was not a moment to lose either
because the first test started
in only 13 days time and
crystal sets were scarce
as hen's teeth and times were hard.
♪ Our Don Bradman, now I
ask you, is he any good? ♪
♪ Our Don Bradman, as a batsman
he is certainly "plum pud"♪
♪ Tate and Larwood meet their fate ♪
♪ For it's always "shut the gate" ♪
♪ When the boy from Bowral
hits four after four ♪
- [Radio Host 1] (indistinct)
- [Radio Host 2] Don Bradman said today,
Australia was behind him, couldn't wait
for the start of the first
cricket test against England
in two weeks time.
- [Finn] Gee, two weeks to go!
- It's not enough.
- What?
- It's not enough.
In fact, it's very, very little.
Nine pence the lot.
- Nine pence?
- Times are hard.
Eight pence.
- No, didn't reckon you'd do a swap.
I didn't reckon you'd go as low as that.
- Look, Mr. Finn.
I like you.
- I don't like you very much.
- I'll do you a favour.
- Yeah?
- I will keep it for
you here in the window.
Reserved for 13 days until
the end of the school holidays
and if by then you have
earned enough money,
you can pay me for it then.
- But can't I have it
if I give you a deposit?
I've got this yo-yo.
- No.
- But I got to have it
by Friday a week so I can hear the test.
Sit up all night and listen to it.
- So try harder.
- 17 and six.
That's more than my dad saves in a year.
Where am I going to
get 17 and six, Mister?
- Use your enterprise.
(bell chimes)
- Pal, come on.
At least I got you, Pal, my little mate.
Enterprise (whispers indistinctly)
- Hubert, eat your porridge.
- Ugh.
- Don't you ugh me, young man.
You don't know how lucky
you are getting porridge
for breakfast in the first place.
- That's right, son, don't irk your mum.
She works very hard.
- Yes, I do.
- I know you do, Mum,
and I love you for it
but this porridge is rotten.
- You see, dear? He loves you for it.
I've got to agree.
This is rotten. I think
it's got weevils in it.
- Oh John, I'm sorry.
- That's all right, Em.
You weren't to know. What would
you like for Mother's Day?
- Ooh, well. If it's not too expensive,
I'd like a new mangle for the laundry.
- Would you?
- If it's not too expensive.
You see, I'm just a little tired
of wringing out the clothes
by hand in the kitchen sink.
- It's not too expensive, of course not.
I'll raise the money, as a man.
- What are you doing, dad?
- Off you go, boy.
Why don't you, why don't you
feed the weevily porridge
to Mrs. Hogan's chooks?
- Oh, what a good idea!
Mrs. Hogan's, chooks love weevils.
They're rich in protein.
- Maybe I'll take my money box with me.
- Thank you.
- What could have gotten into that boy?
- Just growing pains, dear.
His new teeth are coming through.
I think he's saving up for something too.
I wonder what it could be.
- Mertle, we're very lucky to have
a boy like Hubert. - Oh, I know.
Oh John, I'm so happy,
even in this neighbourhood,
thirty shillings a week,
I've still got you.
- My dear, I know things were better once
and they'll be better again, soon
and you'll get your
mangle for Mother's Day.
I promise.
- Oh John, I believe you.
Thousands wouldn't but I do.
- I twigged right then
that if I did get the money
for the crystal set before Mother's Day,
I would be well and truly in the poo.
'Cause dad would sting me
for a loan the way he did
for mum's birthday last year
when he was on the dole.
So I had to get the money quick smart
but how was I to do it?
Come on Pal-Pal.
(dog barks)
Only one sure avenue
seemed open to a joker
of my quick brain and flying feet.
To wit, a job of message runner
for Tiger Murphy the bookie.
There was one very big obstacle
standing astride this aforesaid avenue.
The obstacle's name was Bruiser Murphy.
- What do you want,
Finn? This is my alley.
This is my whole block.
- I came to see your dad.
- My dad, who do you think you are?
- Yeah, who do you think you are?
- Look, Bruise, I'm sorry
I poked you in the back.
It was just an irresistible impulse
and it won't happen again but Bruise,
I'm in a bit of trouble and
if I could just get a job
working for your dad so's
I can make a few bob.
Look, Bruise, you can trust me.
I'm a good bloke, really and
I know you're a good bloke.
We're all good blokes deep down.
- You miserable little slug. You slime.
You cockroach. You come down my alley,
ask my dad for a job so you
can buy a lousy crystal set?
- How'd you know that?
- It's like your hide, Finn.
I'm going to teach you a
lesson. One you'll never forget.
- Oh no, oh no, no, no,
no! Anything but that!
(Finn screams)
(children laugh)
- Come on Finn. Have a go, boy.
- Ow!
Man that hurt.
- Just once more.
- I'm going to show that mongrel!
So help me, I will. Show him good.
- Bide your time, Fat. One
day you'll be as big as him,
then you'll show him.
- I'll show him before that.
It's a matter of honour!
- You're at the top, Fat.
You got the champion frog
and the champion goat
three seasons running.
Show him again at the goat
race next week. Show him good!
- Goat race is easy. I wanna
really show the mongrel.
And please let me find a way
I can fix Bruiser Murphy good
and also get me crystal
set before Don Bradman
spifflicates the Poms at Old Trafford.
In return, I promise to do
all my homework next term.
Oh and could I have a fine day tomorrow?
For our last cricket match?
Preferably with a light
southerly wind so I can
deceive Skeet with my off-spinner.
That's all for tonight, I think Lord.
I remain yours faithfully, Hubert Finn.
♪ Our 11, ladies they're best. ♪
♪ Our 11, two in each test ♪
♪ Even how those boys
can wield the willow ♪
♪ (indistinct) feather pillow ♪
♪ How they can bowl. How they can bat ♪
♪ Knocks 'em round and never
cares for this or that ♪
♪ Our 11, they'll be in heaven ♪
♪ When they're bringing the ashes home ♪
And back on the crease
now is Fatty Bradman
and you can feel the tension, now on 196.
and Lovell comes in,
right arm over the wicket
and that ball is hurtling
towards Fatty Bradman
like an express train but cool,
calm and collected, Fatty hooks the ball
right in the centre of the bat
and the ball flies over the
grand stands (horse neighs)
It's a six, a six all the
way and the crowd goes wild!
The police have to be called in
to control the mounting excitement.
What a cricketer this lad
is and only 10 years of age!
Surely the greatest test double century
I've seen in donkey's years!
There are people running
all over the pitch.
Only Fatty Bradman remains
steadfast at his place.
- Ow!
- Mr. Finn!
You are under arrest!
- Oh come on, Claffey!
I didn't mean to. Give
a fella a break, hey?
- Never again!
- My fruit!
- Take a look around you, Mr. Finn.
Now what does this view convey to you?
- It conveys I'm a good
bat. Let me go Claffey.
I can't afford a whole fruit cart.
- No! You must face the music, Mr. Finn.
- How much it cost you, Fat?
- Everything I had.
Cleaned me out. Bang goes me crystal set
and I gotta polish 400
Jonathan apples as well.
Otherwise, he reckons, the vendetta.
- Geeze, I'm sorry Fat.
Shouldn't have bowled you down
that googly.
- Your googly's easy.
I just don't know me own strength.
- Why didn't you run,
Fat? You was in a dream.
- Yeah, I was. Nice dream.
(crickets chirping)
I gotta get me crystal set, Pal.
I got to. I got to use me enterprise.
♪ Up in the morning and off to the fair ♪
♪ Every man and his dog will be there ♪
♪ There'll be Finny and
Rebel and Wally and me ♪
♪ All the fun of the fair ♪
♪ Strolling along on a warm sunny day ♪
♪ Oh how the boys in the
brass band can play ♪
♪ All of the children
with prizes for mother ♪
- Every ride with Hector,
the champion goat!
One penny per passenger.
- Have you got any money?
- Make your fortune now. Roll up, roll up!
- I see a tall, dark stranger
coming to reposess your furniture.
- No, no. Not that.
- And you'll be thrown out into the street
and your whole family
will live in a tin humpy
And your dolly will be sold to the rag man
to buy dog meat for your
starving little sister.
- No, no, no. Not my dolly, no.
(children playing)
- The most successful enterprise
thus far was 'You Bet'
at which any customer, if he was a mug
would bet Skeet he couldn't
do something better than him.
Hang upside down the
longest or spit the farthest
or hold his breath the longest
and make his face the reddest.
Skeet was a dead set moral
to win this from the mugs
because he could hold his
breath until he fainted.
How are you going, Tilly?
- I don't like work much, Fat.
- Do I charge more if
they open their mouth?
- Cripes. Why they want to do that?
- I don't know. There's
some funny people about.
- Do you want a kiss, Fat?
- Ahhh. No, thanks Till.
Got to save me 10% for me crystal set.
I only got eight more days and
I need every penny I can get.
- But it's on the house.
- No.
It wouldn't be fair on
the other customers.
Got to set a good example
now I'm a man of business.
- [Children] (chanting)
Stand up, stand up!
- Morning Finn.
- Morning Snootle.
Can we help you at all?
- I wanted to make perfectly sure
that there is no legal limit
to the number of kisses
I am entitled to so long
as I continue paying.
- Well, no.
So long as you pay up, I guess.
- Right.
Shall we begin?
- Oh, God.
- It was at that point I wondered
whether even a crystal set was worth it.
Watching Snootle pash
away like a big girl,
I resolved to biff him good and proper,
the moment the opportunity
afforded itself.
Knock out a few of his fancy
teeth and improve his looks.
- Roll up, roll up.
Goat races!
Hubert Finn Enterprises,
make your fortune now!
Kissing stalls, lemonade stalls, roll up!
- Listen. You stay out of here.
This is my alley, see?
- Yeah, this is his alley, see.
- Uh-huh.
- And you tell Finn, if he
doesn't shut down his stalls
and move on by sundown, he's for it, see?
Really for it.
- Uh-huh.
- Terrible things are gonna happen to him.
Do you get me?
- Too right.
- Ow!
(girl screams)
Come back here, ya little runt!
(jolly music)
♪ Yo-Ho-Ho, Tee-Hee-Hee, we be
the pirates of the Fat Navy ♪
♪ We be the cruel and
the bloody Captain Finn ♪
♪ I'm Captain Finn, the pirate king ♪
♪ Scourge of the 17 seas ♪
♪ I loved a mermaid name of Till ♪
♪ She lived at the bottom of the sea ♪
♪ Yo-Ho-Ho, Tee-Hee-Hee we are
the pirates of the Fat Navy ♪
♪ We walked the plank with
the bloody Captain Finn ♪
♪ I'm Captain Finn, the pirate king ♪
♪ Robbed all the rich
and gave it back again ♪
♪ And he loved me 'cause I
lived at the bottom of the sea ♪
- Five glasses of lemonade, all right?
- That'll be five pence.
That's still five pence.
That'll be six pence.
- Let's go.
♪ Captain Finn. I'm calling you my dear ♪
- Get off!
♪ I hear you ♪
♪ Come with me, down under the sea ♪
- He can't swim!
♪ Don't be afraid ♪
- [Children] Boo!
♪ Who's scared? ♪
♪ I'm your mermaid ♪
♪ Let's sail away across the sea ♪
♪ Just you and me ♪
♪ And we'll be free ♪
(children fighting)
- Get your hands off
me prize goat, Murphy.
- You wait, Murphy.
(humming)
Okay, let's have a swear first
and then we'll sign our names in blood.
♪ And fight for the right to be free ♪
♪ Win the battle for liberty ♪
♪ Let us all stand together ♪
- We, the Warrata Street Five.
- [All] We, the Warrata Street Five.
- Six counting Tilly.
- [All] Six counting Tilly.
- Do swear by the blood of our ancestors.
- [All] Do swear by the
blood of our ancestors.
- We will spifflicate Bruiser Murphy
before this night is out.
- [All] We will spifflicate
Bruiser Murphy before this night is out.
- Before this night is out.
- Or perish on the field
of honour.
- [All] Or perish
on the field of honour.
- Okay. We got to sign in our own blood.
♪ With our old slouch hat♪
♪ There's be no turning back ♪
♪ For we're marching to victory ♪
Right, alphabetical order.
(patriotic music)
- Fat, I'm a bleeder. Can I
sign in your blood instead?
Just this once.
- Yeah, that's all right.
You're only a girl.
I'll just squeeze out a bit more.
♪ We'll be together
when we're over there ♪
Everyone synchronise their watches.
- None of us has got a watch.
- Yeah but I gotta say that.
- Not if we ain't got watches.
- Forward into battle.
♪ Let us all stand together
and smite our country's foe ♪
♪ And we'll all sing together as we go ♪
♪ Here we come, see them run ♪
♪ Our brave Aussie boys will overcome ♪
♪ On the beaches and in
the air, on the sea ♪
♪ We'll win the battle
when we're over there ♪
- There they are.
Guess what? Bruiser's
gang, swimming in the Nudy.
Don't look, Till.
- Ugh.
- Prepare to launch the itching powder.
- Roger!
- Itching powder ready to launch.
(children playing)
- Drum roll.
(lightly tapping helmet)
(whispering) Fire the itching powder.
(whispering) Fire the paint.
(children screaming)
- You wait, Finn!
- Standby the rotten eggs.
(children cheering)
- You wait, Finn, I'm
gonna kill you, mate!
- What do we do now, Fat?
- Yeah?
- Do I have to do all the thinking myself?
We steal all their clothes,
put them in Hector's cart
and take them away.
(mumbling)
- Bruiser!
- Give me back my roof!
- [Finn] By eight
o'clock the next morning,
the dim sun shone on an
impatient Hubert Finn.
Where was everyone, they should be at work
rebuilding Fatty's Fair.
Uh-oh.
(melancholy music)
What's the matter with you?
- My shoelaces are tied together.
- Well, why don't you cut them?
Or take your shoes off or something?
Cripes, Lolly Legs,
sometimes I worry about you.
- Me too, Fat.
- They starched me plaits.
- Oh, sorry.
Eww, bubblegum.
Boot polish?
- Yeah, it's on me bum too.
Take two years getting this stuff off.
- I keep running into lamp posts.
- We swore a sacred oath to the death.
Though we perish on the field of honour.
Come on, hop to it, get to work!
- I've been appointed shop
steward of the recently
formed Finn Employee's Union, FEU.
We feel that your
percentage is far too high.
- [All] Yeah!
- How much?
Cut the cackle, how much?
- 5%.
- No.
- Then we're going out on strike.
- Go on.
- See if I care.
- Everybody out!
(blows whistle)
- Fellas, come back. We swore
a sacred oath to the death.
- Not 10% to the death, we didn't.
Come on, Till.
- Aw, Till. Not you too.
- I gotta Fat. I can't be a scab.
I'd stay but I'm a good union man.
- Aw Hector. Not you too.
(goat bleats)
- [Goldstein] Use your enterprise.
Six days to go, use your enterprise.
- I'll have that crystal
set in the window.
I can pay cash.
- How is it you can pay
cash, Bruiser Murphy?
I am much intrigued?
- Got it off me dad. A
horse come in at 200 to one.
- You mean he had money on Mud
Gudgeon in the Doonbin Cup?
What a man of genius!
- Nah, but no else did neither.
That's how he made a
packet. My dad's a bookie.
- I rejoice at his good fortune
but cannot sell you the
crystal set. Not yet.
- Why not?
- As shown on the card,
it is reserved for one Hubert
Finn until May the 13th.
- He'll never raise the
dough. Not in a million years.
I'll give you 35 bob.
- You tempt me sorely.
- 36.
- Especially since I too,
be still my heart, lost much
monies thanks to Mud Gudgeon.
- Two quid and call it quits.
- No.
No.
Leave my shop, you tempter.
A pawn broker's word
is his bond.
- That's a laugh.
- Come back on May the 13th
cash in hand and then we will see.
- You missed your big chance, Goldstein.
(door bell chimes)
(whistling)
♪ Come to me, you're my dream of love ♪
♪ I love you as I loved you ♪
♪ When you were sweet,
when you were sweet ♪
- [Woman] Just a minute!
♪ Sixteen ♪
- Wish you'd sing another song.
- There are several in my repertoire.
- Good.
♪ If you were the only girl in the world ♪
♪ And I were the only boy ♪
♪ Nothing else would
matter in the world today ♪
♪ We would go on loving
in the same old way ♪
♪ A garden of Eden just made for two ♪
♪ With nothing to mar our joy ♪
(man cries out)
(boy laughs)
- Get out of here!
- Oh dear, sorry about that.
- Good shot son, you're getting better.
- It wasn't me, Dad. It was Fatty Finn.
- Where is he, son?
- He's ran away.
There he goes, cunning
little mongrel. I'll fix him.
Shooting the poor old Dunny Man.
- You're not happy, are you, son?
- I'm all right, Dad.
- Oh, I think there's something ailing ya.
Step into my office.
Want to talk to you son
about the family name.
Murphy and Son.
Shanghai and Dunny Men.
Not good for the family name, son.
- Yes, dad.
- Neither is letting Fatty
Finn walk all over you
with his gang of rats.
- I'll fix it, Dad. You'll see.
- I don't know if I will, son.
'Cause I reckon you're real stupid.
Wrong side of the blanket, I guess.
- Don't say that, Dad. Finn's for it.
I'll soon be king of the alley again.
- Son, this Fatty Finn's
got your goat, hasn't he?
That's why you're unhappy.
- No. He's got his goat
and his goat always wins.
He's frog and everything he's got.
Finn always wins. He cheats and he wins.
- Wouldn't do to lose the
goat race this year, son.
Not three years in a row.
You better win it this year.
- How am I going to win the
goat race without a goat?
As I ain't got a goat no more?
- Without a goat, I'm
surprised you entered.
- I gotta win the goat
race, even without a goat.
I'll never be able to show
my face around here again.
- Son. This is how you're
going to win the goat race.
You're a dead set moral.
- Dad, he's beautiful.
- I splurged 20 quid on him
when Mud Gudgeon came in.
Five generations of
champion goat blood winner
in this black bearded Satan.
- Jeez, he's nice.
- His name's Bucephalus after
Alexander the Great's horse,
Bucephalus. Together, they made a fortune.
(bells chiming)
(happy music)
- Jeez, what a bonza pacer.
Look at his fetlocks.
- Gee, Fat's in big
trouble with that goat.
We'd better warn him.
- Nah, why should we? He's
not our friend anymore.
- That's right, he's not.
- He's a capitalist pig.
- Yeah, that's right, he is.
- I seen him this morning
down by the linger longer.
After a while, couldn't bear to look.
- What was he doing?
- Newspapers, newspapers,
yesterday's newspapers.
Going cheap. Penny, ha'penny each.
- Good day, boy.
- Yesterday's Sun.
All the news you missed.
- Off the foot path, kid.
- All right, they're a penny
each, you miserable mongrels.
Two a penny
- No, no. Out the way, go on.
- Positively last offer.
Catch up on your ancient history.
- Boy, this paper's got fish on it.
I demand my money back.
- Fish on it? I should charge you extra.
Fish is a penny extra.
- You young scoundrel.
- Go on, Hector.
(goat bleats)
(man screams)
- Get away!
Aww Gawrd
(thunder rumbling)
- Mine's winning, look at it go!
(melancholy music)
- Y es, Mr. Finn?
- I got these bottles, Mr. Zilch.
They're for sale.
(glass clinking)
- Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Would you like to buy
a milkshake, Mr. Finn?
- If I buy bottles from
you, I think you have
a moral obligation to at
least buy a milkshake from me.
All my other customers
have some sense of honour.
- Yeah, why not. Caramel malted.
- Five pence, please.
- Oh, keep the change.
- Why thank you, Mr. Finn.
You're a gentleman and a scholar.
No matter they say.
(whistles)
(rings bell)
- What is it, Hubert?
- Any old bottles, Mrs. Hogan?
Or any old chicken droppings?
- Oh! Hubert!
- Ugh!
Aww Gorsh
- What do you think
you're doing, young man?
Picking bottles in the
street like some common boy
from the slums. I never thought I'd live
to see the day when a son
of mine would sink so low.
- There, there, Myrtle. Times is hard.
Things are crook in Muscle Brooke.
- Why aren't you at
home, weeding the garden
like your father's said.
You will bring me grey hairs
with sorrow to my grave.
- Mum, I was only using me enterprise.
- I'll give you enterprise, my fine
young gentleman. (dog barks, goat bleats)
- It's always darkest
before the dawn, Pal.
There's always a silver lining.
That's what they reckon.
Six days to go and one bob in the kitty.
And the Murphy gang out
after me with fire and sword.
Cripes. Bloke would
have to be an optimist.
- Psst.
Psst!
Hey nipper, can you run a message for me?
It's kind of urgent,
matter of life and death.
- I don't know.
- There's four bob in it
for you at the other end.
Here's the address. Delivered personal.
- No. Four bob at this end.
Matter of life and death,
delivered personal.
- Oh, struth. That's all I
got left in the whole world.
- Matter of life and death for me, too.
'Cause me mum will kill
me if I'm not at home
and the garden's only half weeded.
- Fair dinkum?
- Crikey.
Take it yourself, save your money.
- No, I can't. Look, two bob
now and two bob then, hey?
- Stop thief. Halt, halt
in the name of the king!
(indistinct muttering and whistle blowing)
- [Finn] Maggie McGrath,
sealed with a loving kiss.
You coulda knocked me down with a feather.
Here was I, Hubert Finn
off to see Maggie McGrath,
the queen of organised
crime in the inner city.
I felt very queer, I wasn't scared mind
but it was like I was off
to see Ned Kelly himself.
(knocking on door)
- What's your problem, junior?
- I've got this parcel for
Maggie, delivered personal.
- Right-o, he's clean. Take him to Maggie.
- Okay.
- Lucky I didn't have Trumper along.
- Who's Trumper?
- Me frog.
You would've squashed him.
He's won the championship
three times running.
- No kidding.
- You want some bubblegum?
- Gee thanks. Me favourite brand. Come on.
♪ But she's a mean, mean woman ♪
♪ She's as mean as can be ♪
♪ Well she's a mean, mean woman ♪
♪ She is as mean as can be ♪
- Yeah, what is it?
- He said I get two bob on delivery.
- I don't know if it's
worth it yet. Hand it over.
- You don't get until I get my two bob.
- What! Why you little crook,
I ought to give you the works.
Hold him, Henry.
- Give it to me.
- No fair. I gotta get my two bob!
- It's a mouse!
(gunshots)
(Finn laughs)
- I suppose you think that's funny.
- I just want my two bob.
- Two bob for a mouse?
I'll give you two bob, you little rat!
Oh, what's this?
(laughs) It's from Perce.
(laughs)
What a card. What a card.
Take it.
- Thanks, Miss McGrath!
- Oh, that's all right, kid.
Hey, you come next Saturday and
you can run a message for me
- Beauty!
♪ I am a mean, mean woman ♪
♪ I am as mean as can be ♪
♪ I'm really awful ♪
- 13 shillings, the crystal
set is mine next Saturday!
I'm the wealthiest man in the world!
- Ah, Finn. I've been meaning
to have a talk with you.
- Can't kiss Tilly
anymore, she's on strike.
- No, no, I was wondering if you'd like
to earn a little spare
money over the holidays?
- Well, I need two more bob.
- Oh, I was thinking of a
fair whack more than that.
Would you care to step
into by humble abode?
(piano playing)
(toy train whistle blowing)
I'm bored, Finn, bored to sobs.
I want to be out in the real world.
Partaking of real life,
Finny, will you teach me
the noble art of fisticuffs
for five shillings an hour?
- I don't think I've ever
enjoyed earning five bob more.
Everything I've thunk up to do to Snootle
ever since I seen him
pashing away with Tilly,
I was now getting paid five
bob to do by Snootle himself.
Life can be very rewarding sometimes.
Snootle, wakey, wakeys.
- Excellent, Finn!
- Same again tomorrow,
same fee, five shillings.
- That's okay with me, nice
place you got here, Snootle.
Swap you anytime.
- Really?
How quaint, Finn if you do forgive me,
I was wondering if you might also,
for a similar fee...
- Name it.
Wrestle a crocodile, anything.
- Take my revolting little sister
to her dancing class tomorrow afternoon?
I'm supposed to but I'd prefer to go
to the World Weight Championship
down at the stadium,
down among the real people.
- Dancing class?
What, up on Snob Hill?
- Yes.
- Well, I was going to
go to the fight myself
but I suppose you can't have everything.
- Too true.
- It was good
how things worked out for the best
in the end and for the money
I'd get from the dancing class,
I could buy mum a big box
of milk tray chocolates
for Mother's Day.
(dog barking)
- What are you doing, you scally wag?
- Pal, come back, it's a hanging
offense please come back.
- Come here, ya mongrel!
(dog barking)
- Hound of Satan, it's off
to the dog pound with you.
Oh please, your highness,
I'll pay for the sausages.
It's not a question of
payment or of sausage.
It's a question of the law.
- That's right.
It's a question of the law.
- Oh, please.
Awww
- Don't worry son, you
can keep the sausages.
- Thanks,
Isn't there any way out, Mr. Claffey?
He's the only pal I got
left, all of me mates
is out on strike.
- Well, you could
make a contribution to
the Police Widows Fund.
- How much?
- A quid.
- I haven't got a quid,
how about the sausages!
- 15 bob, a lot of grieving widows.
- All right.
(Coins clink)
- Nicely cost me a packet, little mongrel.
I'll never get me crystal set now.
- Hubert, where on earth
have you been all this time,
young man, out on the streets
instead of weeding the garden?
Your father and I have been worried sick!
Haven't we, John, John?
- Just right.
- Aw mum, I can explain.
- I am not interested
in your explanations any more!
Now you get upstairs this instant
and without any supper young man
and you can spend the whole
day tomorrow weeding the garden
and mowing the lawn and
cleaning the guttering
and washing the dishes
and raking the leaves.
Do you hear me?
- Yes, mum.
- Ah well, you can't win them all.
Wish I could win a few, though.
If it was raining gravy
I'd be holding a fork.
Cripes, I'm hungry.
- Tastes of grit
No criticism intended, my dear.
- No.
Of course not dear, I understand.
- Tastes like a dog's chewed it.
- I lost all the next day doing
slave labour around the yard
for mum, at the end of it all,
I reckon she'd be hard put
getting a box of milk
tray chocolates out of me
for Mother's Day, box of
jaffers if she was lucky.
I snuck off at a late hour
to kick Snootle in the face
for money and there it
was, another five bob
and once again, the crystal
set seemed in me reach
but I shuddered to think what
I had to do next to get it.
- One, two, one, two, three,
one, two, one, two, three.
Feel the music.
- My Sunday best
wasn't good enough for
the twerps up on Snob Hill
and I put a few of them down on me list.
- Don't you know how to comb your hair?
- Listen I don't want
any more of your lip.
Count yourself lucky you
ain't being trod on yet.
- That's no way to speak to a lady.
You're nothing but a low, common brute.
- I'm better at tango than
you are, that's for sure.
- Why are you so melancholy,
I always feel drawn
to melancholy men.
- What?
Several reasons, one is, I should be
at the Welter Weight
fight, instead I'm here
in this monkey suit, making
movements no human being's
ever intended to make.
- I know what you mean.
Dancing is so pointless,
so why didn't you go
to the Welter Weight fight?
- 'Cause I gave me word.
Finn's word is his bond and besides,
I'm getting paid five bob.
- Five bob?
Is that all I'm worth?
(Finn shushing)
I though you were doing
it because you liked me.
I've never been so
insulted in all my life.
- Now look, don't get me wrong.
- I say, is this chap
giving you a spot of bother?
Should I cut in?
- Oh, rack off!
- [Teacher] Turn, turn, turn.
- Don't cry.
- I've never been so humiliated.
- I say, look here.
(children fighting)
- Get out, you hooligan!
(girl crying)
- It was the last five bob
I'd get out of Snootle.
So the crystal set was
in jeopardy once more
and I know I should've
felt glum but I didn't
because I'd just put a large
fraction of the upper class
in St. Vincent's Hospital
and that felt good.
At the end of the day, there was 10 bob
in the kiddie, seven and six to go.
There was still one hope for a killing.
Maggie McGraw and her message.
I would go there first
thing in the morning.
♪ But she's a mean, mean woman ♪
♪ She's as mean as can be ♪
- Well hello gentlemen, my
doors are always open to you.
- Your gun, Maggie.
♪ She's a mean, mean woman,
she's as mean as can be ♪
- Well, we got you cold this time, Maggie.
Running a sly grog shop, you'll be charged
with serving liquor to a minor.
- Who's a miner?
- You're a minor.
- I've never been down a mine in my life.
- Cease and desist, Mr. Finn.
- Ah, let him go, Claffey.
He's only here to run a message for me.
Here's 10 bob for you, kid.
- Oh, Maggie.
- All right, you riff raff.
Come on.
(arguing)
♪ I am a mean, mean woman ♪
♪ I am as mean as can be ♪
♪ I'm really terrible ♪
♪ I am a mean, mean woman ♪
♪ I am as mean as can be ♪
♪ Take it away, boys ♪
- Son, they've been
docking me 10 bob a week
down at work because of
lower company profits
and I haven't had the
heart to tell your mother
and that new Malley's mangle means a lot
to her and tomorrow's Mother's Day
and if she doesn't get it this time
our lives won't be worth living Hubert.
She's a fine woman, your mother
and I'd hate to disappoint her.
Wouldn't we, son?
- How much, dad?
- A quid with what I've got saved.
I'll make it up to you, just you see.
There's a horse running
on Wednesday at Randwick
that's a dead set stone morril.
You can trust your old dad.
(melancholy music)
- Oh John darling, oh you shouldn't have.
Oh, it's just what I always wanted.
- Yes my dear, I know.
- Oh, how could you afford it
on your wages, I'll never say
anything against you again.
My husband and provider and
what did you get me, young man?
- I'm sorry, I forgot.
- Well,
you can forget all about
your Sunday dinner then,
can't you?
- Yes, mum.
Gee, I felt like a swan
down a sewer for a bit
and being paid in Monopoly money.
People were looking down on me.
Was this miserable crystal set worth it?
Would I sink even lower in social status?
Four and a half days left
'till the first test starts
in England and I'm back to scratch.
I look like mad for the silver lining
but maybe it took Sunday off.
- Poor old Fat.
Perhaps we have been a bit hard on him.
- Yes, it's a terrible thing
to see any fellow human being
sink so low.
- He needs us.
And I guess we need him, too.
(children laughing)
- [Finn] Ya coulda knocked
me down with a feather.
There I was, the lowest of the low
but still my mates took me back.
They were true good Samaritans.
Every man Jack of them.
(children singing)
- Want a ride, Tilly?
- I wouldn't ride with you
if you paid me.
- Come on, have a ride.
Give yourself a thrill.
- No.
- I got my eye on you, Tilly,
I think you're real pretty.
- Go away, you stink
worse than Bucephalus.
- Get in or do you want
Finn to get the treatment?
- You leave Hubert Finn alone.
He's twice the man you'll ever be.
- Hubert Finn, that little maggot.
I'll leave him alone
if you get in, won't I?
- Hey, watch this, come on, Bucephalus.
Bucephalus, Bucephalus,
onto Canterbury Double.
I read that in a book, you know.
- Stop skitin', you can't read!
- Hey!
- Quit showin' off!
Hey, slow down!
(bells chiming)
Car horn honking)
(girl screams)
(breaks screech)
(loud crash)
(bird shrieks)
- All right, all a bit of a laugh, hey.
- Now you've done it, ya big lair.
Fat!
- Hi, Till!
Why you puffin'?
- You're up against fed.
Bruiser just got a ticket for speeding!
- What?
- A 10 shilling ticket.
Claffey estimated his
velocity at 40 miles an hour.
It was on the corner of Lange and Wattle.
- What were you doing that far south?
- I was with Bruiser, he gave
me a ride in his goat cart.
- Oh, did he now?
- Yeah.
- I see, I see it all, blow me down.
You're a fickle female,
just like all the rest.
- But he said if I
didn't get in the cart...
- I don't care what he said, Till.
You're a turncoat, let's have a confer.
- Gonna do something about Bruiser.
Something drastic, not
you, you're a turncoat.
Probably spying for Bruiser, ain't ya?
Yeah, tell him about
everything on your next ride.
- No, Fat.
- Get out of it.
Now how are we going to Murphy?
(boys all speaking simultaneously)
Gotta win that crystal set.
(wood creaking)
(yawning) Good morning.
(birds chirping)
- Cripes, what's in this, Headlights?
- Three Cauliflowers from
the garden next door,
two of grandma's old petticoats,
God rest her soul, eight month's worth
of the daily skips from under the house
and six Gideon Bibles.
- Six Gideon Bibles?
- Yes, I think the goats
like the thin paper.
- (whispering) Keep it down, fellas.
Ugh, I think I stepped in a custard apple.
- Gah, no custard apples in Wooloomooloo.
- Dog's poo more like.
- Okay, everybody ready to go?
- Yeah.
- Too right.
- Aye.
- Right-o.
Seasy, it's up to you,
you know I'd go myself
but you're the littlest.
- That's all right, Fat.
- Let me give you me secret grip for luck.
Should old acquaintance be forgotten,
you're a better man than I am Gangadin.
- Here we go into the wild blue yonder.
See you around.
(patriotic music)
♪ In the battle for liberty ♪
♪ Let us all stand together
and smite our country's foe ♪
♪ And we'll all sing together as we go ♪
♪ Here we come, see them run ♪
♪ Our brave Aussie boys will overcome ♪
♪ On the beaches and in the air ♪
(pigs oinking)
♪ We'll win the battle
once we're over there ♪
(chickens clucking)
(whispering) Quiet.
(bird sings)
You too.
(animals all making noise)
- Shut up, ya mongrels or I'll
skin the lot of yous alive!
- Well, they did what you said.
Nice to see somebody does.
- Oh bag it.
- [All] Oh wow!
- Look at him!
- You like, what's his name?
- Bucephalus.
- Are ya hungry Bucephalus?
Look, knickers!
♪ Stand up and fight for
the right to be free ♪
♪ In the battle for liberty ♪
♪ For they'll rue the day that
the Aussies came their way ♪
♪ For we're marching to victory ♪
- Bucephalus, speak to me, mate.
Speak to me!
(goat burps)
Bucephalus, no.
(goat burps)
Come on out Finn, come on
out and fight like a man.
One hand tied behind me back.
- What?
- You leave Hubert alone or
you'll cop this, Bruiser Murphy.
- Ah get out, it's none of your business.
- It is so my business, I live next door.
- Leave her alone or
you'll get a snoot full
of itching powder, Murphy!
- Come on down, Finn.
Come on down and fight fair, one hand tied
right behind me back.
- Not today, Bruise.
I've got to get me beauty sleep.
Make it tomorrow.
- When tomorrow, Finn?
- Tomorrow midday at the gym, lunchtime
but do it right, bring along your seconds
and choose your weapons and that.
- Me weapons is these, bare knuckles
and you better order an ambulance
'cause it won't be much of you left
except the few blood stained rissoles
spread over half a mile.
- You want to bet?
- Tomorrow at midday, Finn, to the death.
- Till.
- Yes, Fat.
- Thanks Till, you didn't have to do that.
- I'm not a turncoat, Fat.
- Course you're not.
Didn't mean that, I was just belly-aching
about the world in general.
- Why'd you say you'd
fight him, Fat, he'll skin you alive.
- I thought I might make a
few bob bettin' by proxy.
Bettin' Bruiser'd beat
me, few more bob to bet
on the goat race.
- He'll skin you alive, Fat.
- Yeah, I know, no way out though, Till.
♪ Behold the silver lining ♪
♪ Where there are clouds
and fields in the sky ♪
♪ Remember somewhere the sun is shining ♪
♪ And so the right thing ♪
- I wish you'd sing some other song.
♪ Makes it shine for you ♪
♪ A heart full of joy and gladness ♪
There had to be a way out,
which didn't make me look
like a yellow belly in front of my circle
of acquaintances but I was blowed
if I could see what it might be.
Until fate in the guise of
Snootle reared it's ugly head.
- Finn, Finn.
- Hi there, Snootle.
I'm sorry I put all that
dance class in hospital
but I was provoked!
- Don't worry, Finn.
How's this, hey, hey?
(punching wall)
- Five bob okay this lesson?
- Only if you stay
on your feet, is that agreed?
- Right-o.
No, no, no, blimey.
- No I've been taking
additional instruction from Jimmy Sharman.
The master, how am I?
- You ain't bad.
You ain't bad at all.
(ding)
(multiple children speaking)
- Place your bets here,
ladies and gentlemen.
You're just in time for the big fight.
- Bruiser Murphy, five, four
and Fatty Finn, three to one.
(children cheering)
- Hey Finn, hope you got
an ambulance waiting.
(children booing)
- That's my boy!
- I hope this'll work.
- So do I.
(children booing)
(children cheering)
- You're doing the wrong thing, Fat.
He'll break your back, Bruiser said,
do you want to throw in the towel?
If you do, you'll be able to
get on the goat race tomorrow.
- Listen, frog face,
I'll be at the goat race
in good health tomorrow.
(children cheering)
- Ah, not in my pants, you drong-o!
On me face!
(children cheering)
Oh, sorry Headlights.
(bell dings)
- You know all the rules,
no thumbs up the nose,
no biting off ears, if punched on the nose
in normal cause of combat, no bleeding
on your opponent's eyes
and may God have mercy
on Hubert Finn, all right, shake hands.
Come in fighting.
(children cheering)
- I feel a little faint,
I'm afraid I'll have
to send in my second.
- Hey?
- He's not gonna fight and he's gonna
send in a substitute.
- He can't do that.
- Oh yes he can, according
to the rules of duelling,
which I just happen to have on me.
- Well Bruise, I'm
afraid he's got you cold.
Send in the second.
- What?
♪ Here we come, see them run ♪
♪ Our brave Aussies boys will overcome ♪
♪ On the beaches and in the air ♪
- There's something brewing.
- Snootle?
Let's go.
- I say, this is quite an occasion.
- Listen!
Just watch his left!
- All right.
Shake hands and come in fighting
and God help us all.
(bell dings)
♪ Stand up and fight for
the right to be free ♪
♪ In the battle for liberty ♪
- Three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, 10, out!
(children cheering)
- Son, hey son, the
family name's in ruins.
We just let five quid cold , you better
win the goat race tomorrow,
otherwise we will have to move
and make a fresh start in Queensland.
- Oh no, not that, dad.
- It's that serious, son.
- I'll win, I promise,
by hook or by crook.
- I'm bettin' my savings on ya son.
So don't you lose.
(children cheering)
- And what a glorious
turnout for this great event.
The annual old school boy goat race.
Thousands of spectators, the
grandstands chock-a-block
with celebrities, I can
see Mo McKaky talking
to premiere Lang and Sir Isaac
Isaac's the governor general
and colourful King's
Cross figure Maggie McGraw
out on bail.
- Good luck, Fatty!
- Keep away from Bruiser,
he's in a bad mood
and I reckon he'll try anything.
- John, I don't want to
look, he's going to lose.
I know.
- There, there.
We've all got to lose some time.
- Yes but we seem to lose all the time.
- [Children] (chanting)
Bucephalus, Bucephalus!
(trumpets sound)
- Ready, set, you all know the rules!
Get to the finishing line
by hook or by crook, go!
- (speaking quickly and indistinctly)
(crowd cheering)
(upbeat music)
- Here come the goats!
- Good luck Mr. Murphy.
- Come on, go, come on, go.
(men screaming)
Mr. Chaffy, look out!
(policeman moans)
(Finn screams)
- Oh, bum.
(Tilly screams)
(children giggle)
(horn honking)
(Tilly screams)
- It's stinky in here,
someone get me out! Heeeelp!
(crowd cheering)
- Oh, oh I do hope he wins!
Although he really doesn't deserve it.
- Why not, dear?
- Oh, I was so upset
that he didn't buy me
a Mother's Day present.
- Em, I have something to tell you.
- Activate Plan C!
- Activate Plan C!
(woman screams)
(crowd cheers)
- Don't hit me, dad, we'll try
and make a go of it in Queensland.
- It's all right, son, don't worry.
I knew I could depend on you.
So I put all me money on Fatty Finn.
We cleaned up, son, thanks
to you being a born loser
and there's your share.
- [Announcer] The under 12
Goat Race Chalice to Hubert Finn.
(applause and cheering)
- Three cheers to Fatty!
- [All] Hooray!
- Hip, hip!
- [All] Hooray!
- Hip, hip!
- [All] Hooray!
(children all speaking simultaneously)
- Congratulations, Fat.
- Gee thanks, fellas.
You been real good friends.
(boys all speaking)
You too, Till.
- That's all right, Fat.
- Look at Bruiser, you
really beat him this time.
- Well, I better shoot off.
- Why?
- To get me crystal set.
A terrible presentment
had slipped into me gullet
and it wouldn't go away,
I break into a trot
but the faster I went, the crooker I felt.
I suppose I could have took a taxi
but being broke is habit forming.
(upbeat music)
- Another customer came
in a matter of moments ago
and made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
I sold him the crystal set.
(sad music)
Business is business.
- Yeah.
Fat lot of good it did
me using me enterprise.
- Ya didn't win this time, Finn.
No one who cheats Bruiser
Murphy dies happy.
- [Finn] Well, what's the use in moping?
I had all my wins so I
bought a bottle of KB
for the old man.
- Cheers, Hubert.
- And a late Mother's Day present for mum.
(gleeful music)
♪ Our Don Bradman, now I
ask you, is he any good? ♪
And so I've got me crystal set.
'Cause dad hawked mum's
mangle to the pawnbroker
but dad's got a second
job now driving Taxis
to get the mangle back and
I sat up all night listening
to Don Bradman, he made
334 runs before Tea .
A world record for all time.
(burps)
(children giggling)
It felt pretty good the first
few days back at school.
I even got to like Bruiser a bit.
I wondered what we'd all get
up to in the August holiday.
(upbeat music)