Father'sDaze (2020) - full transcript

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Hi, I’m Ben Bradley, freelance
photographer

I mostly take pictures at weddings

but occasionally I get something
really interesting to shoot

or even an overseas job

I’m married to Joanne and
have 3 children...

all boys...



Personally, I would have stuck at 2 but
my wife kept rolling the dice and my DNA

in a desperate bid to redress the male
female balance in the family...

Eventually we gave up...

and with only a local anaesthetic and
1 of Vivaldi’s 4 seasons for distraction

I opted for the snip, no more boys
or girls in the Bradley family.

SNIP!

Apart from the temporary sensation of
being kicked in the nuts by a horse...

life was good.

GROAN!

I guess it all started the night my wife
went to a work party...

Wow! You’re looking stunning!
...will you marry me?

What, again?

Couples do you know,
renew their marriage vows

Maybe when we’re in our sixties



I’ll put a note in my diary...

don’t worry about the kids
tonight, have a good one

I’ll do my best, don’t wait up...
love you!

KISS

TENSE MUSIC

I was worried sick she’d been
involved in an accident...

but she eventually arrived safe...

problem seemed to be that she
was a different wife...

to the one who had left home
the previous evening...

My new wife preferred to sleep on an
airbed in the spare room...

rather than with me...

and conversation was, at best,
minimal.

Excuse me, you’re in my way

What I thought was a temporary
situation...

evolved into an ever more
awkward relationship...

She obviously knew what was going on
but I was totally in the dark...

and the children were oblivious
to everything...

except retrieving Lego bricks they had
fed into the video recorder.

I can see Darth Vada’s head but
I can’t quite get it out.

A month passed and I was now living
with an almost complete stranger

I was wondering if...umm...

She had extracted all her clothes and
femininity from the bedroom...

and moved lock, stock and false
eyelashes into our spare room...

and whilst there wasn’t actually a
no entry sign on the door...

it was definitely a no go area...

I had become as welcome in my own home
as a fart in a perfume factory.

Jo...can we just talk?

I’m busy

Maybe, she had found someone else...

but she was an earth mother type
and devoted to our children...

it seemed unlikely, but I
hadn’t changed...

and if you ignore the odd peek
at the Playboy centrefold...

my marriage vows were still
squeaky clean.

Are you seeing someone else?

Honestly Ben, there isn’t anyone else,
we’ve just grown apart

I haven’t grown anywhere

Excuse me

Something had dramatically changed
in our relationship...

but exactly what, was for her to know
and me to wonder...

in a house now inhabited not
by a family...

but by two estranged adults
and three bewildered children

Dad, are you taking us to the park
today?

Best ask if your mother has any
plans for today

She said ask you

I couldn’t go on like this,
something needed to be done...

she wouldn’t talk to me...

I felt blameless but maybe
we both needed help

Dearest Jo, I’m not sure what
I’ve done wrong...

obviously something I’ve said or done
has upset you...

I thought we were happily married but
maybe it was only me that was happy...

I’ve made an appointment on Friday...

for us to see a marriage
guidance counsellor...

can I confirm that we will both attend?
... All my love, Ben

SONG: You and I darling...

Just leaves on the sea...

Carried by currents...

To far away shores

Food in the fridge no longer
included anything for me...

and the pile of my ironing was now
getting dangerously high.

The confession finally arrived...

the day before I was due
to fly to Africa for work...

In a house where we had become
two opposing magnets...

she was actually waiting for me
in the kitchen.

I...erm...I don’t love you any more
and...I’ve met somebody else

I’d figured that out

I’d like you to move out, so I can
live here with the kids

Great, so this house I’ve worked so
hard to buy, renovate, decorate...

you plan to give to your new lover...

kick me out of my own house!

would you like me to gift wrap
it for you?

may take a couple of days to sort
the paper and a bow that big!

tell you what, I won’t paper over
the front door...

be easier for you to get in and out.

She had never been a fan of sarcasm,
now was no exception...

the scowl I received said everything.

I hadn’t told her about my trip
abroad for work...

and was suddenly concerned that
I would return to a house...

similar to mine, but with different
locks and a new lover...

poised to pour boiling oil on me
from an upstairs window...

it would obviously be a mistake to tell
her how long I would be away for...

but I needed the kids to know that dad
wouldn’t be around for a while.

I’m going to be working abroad
for a while...

I’ll speak to my solicitor
before I leave...

let him know what’s happening...

if you want the house,
you’ll have to fight me for it...

you haven’t contributed a penny towards
it and as far as I’m concerned...

you don’t deserve a penny from it...

why don’t you just go and
live with your new guy?

He hasn’t got a house

Well maybe you should have chosen
someone who does!

With my brain spinning between
packing for my trip...

booking airport parking, having jabs
and spending time with the children...

this was not what I needed, but a break
of two weeks from the strain of...

living with a woman who shared my
surname and very little else...

was probably what I needed right now,
time to think...

time to absorb the enormity of it all,
the welcome distraction of work.

Next please

Good morning sir,
where are you travelling to?

I bet she changes the locks
while I’m away

Hello, where are you travelling
to today?

Sorry, I was miles away

You soon will be,
what’s your final destination?

Kenya

That’s one of our most popular
holiday destinations

Actually it’s for work,
no time for relaxing

Well at least your work will be warm
and sunny! Not like here

Would you like smoking or non-smoking?

Non-smoking please...I didn’t know
you could still smoke on planes?

You can’t on most of them...

but you’re on a Spanish airline,
even the pilots refuse...

to give up smoking in the cockpit, say
they have the right to smoke at work

Well, just as long as they don’t start
taking a siesta up there!

Oh, do you have a window seat?

Let me see what I can do...

Yes, just in front of the engines,
bit quieter there...

you’ll be able to hear yourself think

Not sure that’s a good idea at present,
but thank you

And how many bags are you checking in?

Only one

If you could pop it on the belt please

Your boarding passes for
your two flights...

and your luggage is checked through
to your final destination...

have a good trip sir

Thank you.

I was trying to think about work but my
thoughts kept straying to my marriage...

my wife, my children and the
unbearable possibilities...

of what might be going on in
my house right now.

I made frequent calls home
to talk to the boys but...

only succeeded in talking to myself...

“Hi, it’s Ben, please leave
a short message..."

At first I thought it was just
bad timing...

but after two weeks with no contact...

I began to suspect that something
radical was going on...

something which I just couldn’t
begin to discover...

from a distance of a few
thousand miles away.

I eventually flew home from Africa after
what seemed like months away...

It was with a distinct feeling of
trepidation that I approached my house

Jo’s car wasn’t on the drive...

and there were no young boys
running out to greet me...

the house looked distinctly lifeless.

I searched the house, anxiously looking
for a letter, a note...

some sign of where my family had gone,
but nothing...

It was cold, lifeless...

and I was finally coming to terms with
the fact that I no longer had a wife...

and 3 boys. It was my house,
but it no longer felt like my home.

Hi Ben, It’s Steve, just checking your
availability for work next week...

1 day, probably Wednesday, in London.

Hi you two, it’s Julia and Martin,
hope you are well...

we need to catch up, are you
busy this weekend?

Hi Scott, hi Zak, hi Jamie, it’s dad,
calling from Africa...

I hope you’re all behaving yourselves,
I’ll see you Saturday, bye.

Hi Ben, It’s Faye, I’m a friend
of your wife...

I know you’re away for work...

but I urgently need to see you
when you get back...

can you give me a call as soon
as possible please?

Thanks, my number is 4960619

I vaguely knew this woman, think I’d met
her once outside the school gates...

ringing her would have to wait, I was
tired, jet lagged, confused...

and I suddenly remembered,
really hungry

Calling this Faye was just about the
last thing I wanted to do...

but I was intrigued.

Hi, is that Faye? it’s Ben,
Joanne’s husband

Ben, hi! Great, your back,
can you pop round and see me?

Yes, maybe tomorrow afternoon, but
can I just ask what it’s all about?

are you looking for a photographer?

Not exactly, I can’t really wait until
tomorrow, it’s really urgent...

I need to see you tonight

This all sounds very mysterious,
maybe later...

are you sure you can’t tell me
what this is about?

Not over the phone, my address is
46 Field Close, it’s not far from you...

I’ll see you later, ok great.

FAYE HANGS UP

Hello?

Hello?

bloody great...
what the hell’s going on?

Wife and kids have vanished,
house is just an empty shell...

strange woman needs to
see me urgently...

at least it can’t get much worse,
or so I thought...

as I started to open 2 weeks post,
mostly junk mail...

and 2 ominous letters from my bank...

The first telling me I’m overdrawn
on our joint account...

the second, advising me that my
business account had been frozen...

and I needed to contact the bank
immediately...

So, she had cleaned out our
bank accounts too...

This was fast shaping up to be the
worst day of my life!

Right, where does the mysterious Faye
live...not too far away...

and I can pick up an Indian takeaway
on the way back.

I suddenly felt quite apprehensive about
meeting this mysterious Faye...

What on earth was she about
to tell me...

that couldn’t have travelled
down a phone line?

Hi...Faye?
Ben, we spoke earlier

Glad you could make it, come in

I know you, you’re Scott’s dad

Yes I am, and what’s your name?

Lilly and this is my baby sister Maisy

I’m only 10 minutes younger than her

Come on you two, up to bed...

straight to bed.

How was your trip?

Oh, too hot, too many flies, I’ve been
travelling for days, I’m really tired...

and I just want to know why you
needed to see me so urgently?

It’s about your children

What about them?
I haven’t seen them for weeks

How would you like to see them now?

Now, like right now?

Right now, right here

Well of course, where are they?

Upstairs? Here?

Your children are asleep upstairs,
your wife has moved up north...

and she has told me to either
give them back to you...

or to put them into care

I don’t believe this,
where up north has she gone?

I don’t know, somewhere in Yorkshire,
I don’t have an address...

do you want to see them?

Of course I would!

Hopefully they’re asleep, Jamie and
Scott are sharing on the airbed...

and they're in my son’s room
and Zak's sharing with me.

And there they were, the boys I had
been trying desperately to contact...

for the last two weeks,
peacefully asleep...

totally unaware of their dad
watching over them...

my brain now in orbit around my head...

desperately trying to comprehend
the implications of it all

So do you want them or not, or shall I
ring the council in the morning?

look, I can’t cope with six kids
especially your youngest...

from the moment he wakes up
he’s crying, he won’t stop

Of course I want them,
but I need to sort a few things...

I don’t have beds for them,
I’m working next week...

not sure who will look after them,
take them to school...

this is a lot to take in. I’ll come
round in the morning, about 9 ok?

Yes, nine’s ok, I’ll give you till half
past then I’m calling the council...

I’m practically running an
orphanage here!

I’ll see you tomorrow, for sure.

I completely forgot to call in at
the Indian takeaway...

somehow, events had vapourised
my hunger...

my brain was now in overload,
work, need to cancel...

childcare, where do I find it?
what does it cost?

beds, I need three and quickly,
food, need to stock up...

why’s she done this, bloody cow!

I was beyond tiredness but my brain
was fizzing and buzzing...

trying to sort out the consequences
of tonight’s events...

and sleep simply wasn’t on the agenda.

Good morning, did I dream
coming here last night?

Daddy!

We really missed you
... so did Steggy!

Here’s all their clothes, toys
and you can borrow these

Thank you

I’ve got our toothbrush too!

To the car!

Will mummy be at home?

Um ... I think she’s out at the moment

Will she be back later?

I’m really not sure.

We arrived at my big, cold,
empty house...

but the boys were overjoyed at
just being back home

We’re home!
Race you all to the front door!

I guess it was the familiarity
of returning home...

after what must have been a confusing
couple of weeks for them.

It looks sort of different?

Let’s check all the bedrooms!

Suddenly I had become a single parent...

and more importantly, a non-working
single parent...

with no income and very little
money in the bank...

I needed to get back to work
and quickly...

time to investigate childcare

I tried crèche type places but...

soon realized my boys were way
too old for these...

next was after school clubs but these
would only reduce the problem...

and were not a solution...

my current job hours were erratic,
often at weekends...

I needed longer, more flexible
childcare... a nanny !

I delved back into Yellow Pages.

Hi Andrea, I’m looking for a full time
nanny for 3 children...

you’re already busy...

I’m enquiring about full time
childcare...

you only do 9 till 4...

Do you do weekends?

No, I fully understand...

You have a limit of 2 children...

You’ve broken your arm, I’m so sorry...

can you recommend anyone with two arms?

You charge how much an hour?

and double time for after 5
and weekends!

It was becoming obvious why so many
single parents can’t afford to work...

and crash out on state benefits,
but that’s not for me...

I enjoy my work and it's
reasonably paid...

apart from instantly finding
a new partner...

there must be some other childcare
solution out there.

It was a chance meeting with Denise,
one of my not quite ex wife’s friends...

that led me in another direction.

Hi Ben, I heard you’ve got
the boys back...

I can’t believe Joanne did that to you

No...bit of a surprise, that one!

I think it’s probably best
for the boys now...

if you ask me, her new
boyfriend’s a bit strange

I think the less I know
about him the better

I don’t know what she sees in him...

I preferred some of the others

Others?

Sorry, I thought you would
have known by now

How many “others”?

Well I suppose it doesn’t matter now,
a few...quite a few

When did she have the time, the boys
are a full time job and a half ?

You know she was going to London
to see art galleries at the weekends...

It wasn’t marble statues of men she was
looking at, I doubt she’s ever seen one

Sorry, I just can’t take this in...

this isn’t a divorce, it’s a
marital mugging

I’m really sorry,
I shouldn’t have said anything...

but if I was you
I’d get the boys tested

Tested, for what?

DNA, they might
not even be you kids

But anyway,
how are you coping?

I was coping ok, boys are fine, slowly
adjusting to their new situation...

Zak obviously misses his mum, and I’m
short on childcare, any suggestions?

Well, have you considered an au pair?

I thought they were just for rich
people, polishing silverware...

testing the temperature of the wine,
that sort of thing?

No, I know a family that's had an
au pair to look after the kids for years

all you need to give them is a spare
room, some pocket money...

and enough time to study English.

Good tip, thanks,
right now, I’ll try anything

And if you ever need any company,
you know where to find me!

It was back to Yellow Pages but this
time searching for au pair agencies...

none locally but telephones
are wonderful things...

It wasn’t long before I found an agency
that arranged European au pairs...

Yes, to start as soon as possible
... oh, any nationality

Bingo! I signed up immediately and
my fax machine was soon buzzing...

with Marias, Gertrudes and Heidis...

all promising to cook my family
and preserve my boys...

well, they were coming to
improve their English

I pored over the applications and
soon learnt how to interpret them...

"I am cooking a little"

means they could make a sandwich

"I am fluid in basic English"

means they could pronounce
their name and address

"I very enjoy looking for zee children"

means my parents are always asking
me to babysit my little brother

I quickly plumped for a French girl
called Sophie...

her parents owned a cake shop...

so she must surely know something
about cooking and cleaning...

to my amazement, Sophie agreed to move
to England and rescue my boys from...

my now almost exhausted selection
of fish finger recipes.

Great news boys, this is Sophie...

she’s coming from France
to help look after us all

Will it be like having two mums?

Umm, sort of

Will she cook French beans
every day?

Maybe...make a change
from baked beans!

BUSY MUSIC

Is Sophie coming today?

She should be here soon

I’m going to spot her first

No you’re not

We can see her through
the bedroom window!

HAPPY MUSIC

DOOR BELL RINGS

Bonjour, hello! I am Sophie,
are you Been?

Ben, yes, come in

Welcome to England, Birmingham
and my family

this is the kitchen

It is very nice

You must be thirsty,
I’ll make you a drink, coffee?

Thank you

I’ve only got instant, is that ok?

Yes...thank you

How was your journey?

It was ... ok ... not too long

Good

These are your children?

That's Jamie at the top and
Scott on the left at the bottom

She was instantly likeable, competent
and for the first time in weeks...

I felt a streak of sanity creeping
back into my life...

most importantly, I could return
to work and pay for it all.

READS BUFFALO

I soon felt the pressure of 24/7
childcare lighten on my shoulders

EGG TIMER RINGS

Growing up in a patisserie...

Sophie knew more about
baking croissants than cooking

but as Marie-Antoinette famously said,
"let them eat cake" and we did, big time

Voilà! Oh! It’s really difficult
not to say that word.

After only a few days, it felt like
Sophie had been with us for weeks...

she even started cooking
proper dinners ...

and had become a surrogate mother
to the boys...

just occasionally though,
their real mother would phone up.

Hello?

Oh hi mum...

"Are you all ok?"

Yes, we’re all ok, we have real beds now
and Sophie makes us cake every day...

"Umm, sounds delicious!"

When are we next seeing you?

"I’ll pick you up on Easter Friday about
6, we’ll wait outside the house"

OK, I’ll tell dad, see you later, bye.

The Easter holidays came and went
and the boys were due back...

from visiting their mother
somewhere in Yorkshire...

I was working late and things
weren’t going well...

Sorry mate, it’s the flashes,
they’re putting me off

Ok, let’s take a break.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello

Hi Sophie, it’s Ben

Hi Ben

Is everything ok?

Yes, everything is ok, would you
like to speak to Scott?

it’s your father, and dinner
is ready in 5 minutes.

Hi! It’s dad

I’m still at work, did you have
a good time in Yorkshire?

Yes, we all went to the beach

it was a bit cold...

but we were skimming stones
in the sea...

and Jamie got really wet when he
trod on a big wave

Sounds fun! Is Jamie around,
I’d like a quick chat with him?

He’s not here

Oh, where is he?

He’s not coming back,
he’s living with mum now

Sorry, what did you say?

Jamie’s living in Yorkshire now,
with mum

That’s what I thought you said

Dad, dad are you still there?
I can’t hear you, hello?

I’ve got to go and eat now,
dinner’s ready

Yes, ok, tell Zak I’ll see
him tomorrow

See, easy peesy without your
flashes mate!

We never really spoke too much
about Jamie after that...

I wrestled with my feelings
on a daily basis...

and blamed myself for
somehow failing him...

the truth was, I was really struggling
to keep all the balls in the air...

the huge divorce payment which
enabled us all to stay in our home...

had left my finances at rock bottom...

Jamie had probably been bribed
with a new bike...

at his age, I probably would
have made the same decision...

little did I know then, that the next
time I would see my boy Jamie...

he would be a grown man.

In 1986, British premier Thatcher
and French premier Mitterand...

agreed to build the
chanel tunnel.

TV: The Child Support Agency calculate
the amount of maintenance...

absent parents, in most cases
fathers, have to pay...

by a strict standard formula,
but that formula...

takes no account of debts, expenses
or previous legal settlements.

We divorced about 6 years ago,
in the interests of the children...

we had a maintenance agreement
drawn up, and I’ve paid it regularly...

never missed a month, now the
Child Support Agency is telling me...

I’m not paying enough, so they’ve
upped it by 700%! So that doesn't...

leave me with enough money for train
fares to visit the kids at weekends...

it’s just impossible to discuss
it with them...

you get more response from a
brick wall...

they should call it the
Child Divorce Agency.

And Robert’s not the only one...

we have discovered numerous other
cases of hardship...

caused by the Child Support Agency’s
rigid formula...

for calculating maintenance payments.

No doubt some fathers were being
harassed by them...

but I doubted the CSA would affect me...

still, I needed to put
my mind at rest.

I hadn’t seen my solicitor since the
divorce was settled in court...

I had scraped together enough money to
pay for my divorce settlement...

and his hefty bill...

now, I was virtually begging
for some free advice.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

[ I'll call you back ]
Come in...

Hello, nice to see you,
how’s it going?

Well, the divorce dust has settled now,
I’m looking after two of the boys...

and my ex has care of
my eldest boy...

Interesting, splitting up siblings

Wasn’t my choice, I can assure you!

Thing is, I’ve been hearing
horror stories about...

this new government department...

the CSA and I was wondering if you
could tell me how it will affect us?

the CSA, yes, the
Child Support Agency...

how it’s all going to work is still
filtering through...

I’ve actually got their software here...

for calculating how much absent parents
are liable to pay

Excuse me, I’m not exactly
an absent parent!

Well, let’s see what the
calculator says...

I haven’t used it yet, maybe we
can stumble through it together...

here we are, Child Support Agency,
child maintenance calculator...

OK, let’s give it a shot...

personally, I wouldn’t think you have
too much liability...

if you are caring for
2 of the 3 children...

I need some figures from you,
do you currently have a mortgage?

A big one

So your monthly repayments would be?

About £450 a month

What is your weekly gross income?

It can be really up and down...

I can earn 3 or £400 some weeks,
other weeks I earn nothing at all...

especially in the winter when
no one’s getting married

Ah yes, I remember,
you’re a photographer...

well, let’s look at the worst case
scenario...

shall we say £400 per week?

It could be that much in the summer

Are you in receipt of any
benefit payments?

Just child benefit

And your ex wife and partner,
would you know their earnings?

To the best of my knowledge, neither of
them are working, I could be wrong...

but I presume that’s what triggers
the CSA to contact "absent parents"?

That does indeed sound likely

I need to double check these figures,
this is really perplexing...

even though you have care of
2 children and your ex wife 1 child...

it appears that basically, because you
are earning, with a reasonable income...

and we believe she is declaring
no income...

according to this calculator...

you could be liable for paying her
around £560 a month...

in respect of maintenance for the
one child who is living with her

What! But that can’t be right, what
about my child care costs?

I have to pay for 24/7 live-in child
care so I can carry on working...

surely those costs should be included...

in whatever this dumb equation
is calculating?

I totally agree but there simply isn’t
a box for that information...

in my opinion, the whole
calculation is weighted...

on the difference between your
earnings and your ex wife’s earnings...

which is considerable

But that can’t be right! According
to this I have to work my butt off...

so she can sit on her arse
and do sod all!

Ben, you haven’t heard from them and we
don’t know if this will apply to you

I’ll run the figures again and make a
few enquiries, we’re all on a...

learning curve with this, I’m glad
you’ve brought it to my attention

This just doesn’t seem reasonable,
gotta be some mistake...

must be something they're
not allowing for?

Let’s not panic just yet,
... I’ll be in touch

Thank you.

I left the solicitor’s office wishing
I hadn’t even gone there...

maybe I was just being suspicious
but I simply couldn’t believe...

that the birth of the CSA and her
kidnapping Jamie was a coincidence.

Dad, I’ve got your letters!

Ah! No pets allowed at school.

We are writing to inform you that your
ex wife, Joanne Bradley...

is claiming child support...

maintenance payments from you as the
non-resident father of Jamie Bradley...

who resides with her.
As part of this claim...

the Child Support Agency will calculate
the amount due each month...

The Inland Revenue has informed us that
your work status is self-employed...

In order to process this application, we
need you to provide up to date...

audited accounts for the last six
months, please do not delay sending this

information, your maintenance payments
will be backdated as being payable...

from the date of this letter.

Inwardly I knew that she had dumped
the boys, run off with another man...

and was now holding Jamie hostage,
somewhere in Yorkshire...

in order to screw me for money, but I
was caring for the other two boys...

surely this should negate any payment?
I decided it was all a mistake...

and I just needed to speak to someone
at the CSA to clarify things.

The gym had become my escape from
single parenting and the CSA...

it was also a world of pain
but one I had control of.

Hi, have you finished on this?

Sorry, yes, daydreaming...

It’s all yours

Are you ok?
Have you strained something?

No, nothing physical, I have problems
but it’s in my head, not in my body

I’m Liam, sometimes it’s good
to share problems

True, but I wouldn’t want to pollute
anyone else’s brain...

with the crap filling my head
right now

I spend my life listening to crap,
I’m a copper...

you should hear some of the stories
people tell me

You don’t look like a copper Liam

Without a uniform and the blue flashing
light, we can be pretty inconspicuous

I’m Ben

tell you what, few more reps then, pub
round the corner, let’s go for a drink..

after all this punishment and you can
share your troubles with me...

strictly off the record, of course

It’s a deal.

So how often do you get to the gym?

depends on my shifts, I try to get there
4 times a week but it never happens

I’ll get them, what you having?

Lager with a dash of lime, just
a half please, I’ll take your bag

Pint of Guinness and a half
of lager and lime please

OK

Thank you

So, what’s the story, morning glory?

Well, long story cut to shreds,
I’m a single father, have 2 boys...

my ex has the third one and she’s
trying to get child maintenance...

from me through this new
government Child Support Agency...

thought it was a joke at first...

but seems I’m liable for hundreds of
pounds a month

Welcome to the club Ben!

Sorry?

Me too. I’ve been divorced about
3 years, have a boy and a girl...

I was giving my ex what I could
afford towards the kids...

I’ve also just had a letter
from the CSA...

I don’t know how they calculate it but
what they’re demanding is just way more

than I can afford, I’m going to be
working every shift available...

just to pay it, and there’s absolutely
nothing I can do about it...

they’ve hit me with a
deductions from earnings order...

the bastards are taking it direct
from my wages...

I’m just stuffed

Well I’m self-employed, have to
declare my earnings...

they’re variable to say the least

What do you do?

Photographer...

in case you’re thinking
of re-marrying

You gotta be joking, I’ll be paying for
the last one for the rest of my life!

It was the end of another long week
of asking people to say cheese...

time to sample another one of
Sophie’s froggy cake creations...

unwind and spend some
time with the boys.

Dad, we’ve got your letters

Thanks boys...

think I’ll save
that one for later

Dinner is ready

Come on boys, let’s eat,
I’m starving

SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Ben here

Am I talking to Mr. Benjamin Bradley?

Yes, last time I looked in the mirror

I’m calling from the
Child Support Agency, Dudley

Sorry, I didn’t catch your name

John

We sent you a letter last week about
child maintenance payments...

I’m just checking to see
if you received it

Yes, I need to speak to you about it,
I think it’s all some sort of mistake...

You see two of the children live with me

We take all that into account, you just
need to complete the form we sent you

and supply evidence of your earnings

That’s not something I can do instantly,
I need to get my accountant to prepare

some interim accounts, and pay him
to do it, do you reimburse me?

I’m afraid not, we have your work status
down as self-employed...

it is your responsibility to supply
evidence of your earnings...

when we decide how much you should
be paying in maintenance...

for the child who lives with your
ex wife, it will all be backdated...

there is no point in delaying
the process

That’s good to know, I’ll get
working on it

Thank you, have a good weekend

Good weekend! That’s a great start to
it, thank you John...

Tosser!

Come in

Ben!

Ravi, you shouldn’t have tidied up
specially for me

Actually, I’m thinking of getting
a computer...

apparently I can put all this on
something called a floppy disk...

anyway, it’s always good to see you
but a bit unusual for you...

to visit me this time of year,
is there a problem?

Well yes and no...

I have this new government Child Support
Agency chasing me for money...

money I’m sure I don’t owe but they are
asking to see evidence of my earnings...

it’s not a flat rate thing, seems the
more I earn, the more I have to pay

You’re not the first of my clients to
fall into their net...

from what I’ve seen...

they do seem to be particularly
targeting the self-employed...

and owners of small companies...

I’ll sort out some interim accounts
but you know...

I can’t do anything to actually make
your income look less

I know, I know, I’m not
expecting you to...

I've just got to send them
some figures...

I’m sure it will all blow over, she’ll
probably end up paying me

I’ll need your latest paperwork

I bring you a gift

I’ll do my best Ben...

I should have something over to you
by the end of the week...

shall I post them to you or fax?

Post please, I have to send it to the
CSA along with all the other info...

Great, that should stop them
breathing down my neck

Oh Ben, before you disappear till
next year, friend of mine is looking...

for some family portraits, he really
likes the ones you did for me

Great!

Can you give him a call?

Certainly will, many thanks.

See you soon.

Is this a private photo or
can anyone join in?

Julia! I've been meaning
to give you a ding

It’s been months Ben, we heard about
you and Jo, how are you doing?

Everything is good, I just work, look
after the boys, work a bit more...

teach my French au pair
some useful English like...

“Yes officer, I know you drive
on the left in England”

LAUGHS

You’ve still got your sense of humour
then despite this marital mayhem

Essential part of being
a photographer...

it’s not just about taking photos and
making memories you know...

it’s about making the day an
enjoyable experience for everyone...

And how’s Martin?

Still very Welsh, planning his early
retirement, grumpy as ever

No change there then,
is he still working for the VAT office?

Yes indeed, parks up outside Chinese
restaurants for a week, counts the...

customers going in and checks to see
if they tally with the declared takings

I’d sooner do Indian

Oh he does them as well

And are you still soliciting
for them?

Afraid so, when the restaurant VAT bills
don’t match the declared takings...

he passes them onto me and in goes
Super Vatgirl and takes them to court...

we’re kind of a dynamic duo, without
the skin tight suits and scary masks

Do you fancy a coffee?

Yes but, I’ve got to go,
hairdressers appointment

but if I don’t hear from you in the
next few weeks, I’ll send round

my Welsh Rottweiler to stake you out,
count how many girlfriends you have

I wish I had the time!

BLOWS KISS

I’ll be in touch

I promise!

CAMERA CLICK

PHONE RING

PHONE RING

Hi, Ben here

Mr. Bradley?

Yes, speaking

It’s the Child Support Agency, Dudley

Do you people only ring on Friday nights
after 7 o’clock?

We still haven’t received a reply to
the questionnaire we sent you

I’m sorting it, pestering me like this
won’t speed anything up...

who am I speaking to anyway? You CSA
people never introduce yourselves?

Mark

Mark who?

I’m sorry, we don’t give out
our surnames

And you don’t even put your names
on your letters...

just a scrawled, unreadable signature...

is that a basic qualification for
working in your rat’s nest?

What is this, the KGB? You know my name
but I’m not allowed to know yours...

what if I need to contact you?

If you need to speak to an advisor, just
quote your case reference number...

and one of the team will help you,
we all share your information

I bet you do!

When can we expect a
reply from you?

As soon as I have all my accounts,
it’s being sorted!

Thank you, I’ll update your case notes

My pleasure!

CLICK

Bugger!

ARGH!

CAR DOOR SLAM

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Hi, Daphne, soon to be Mrs Rogers?

Ben Bradley, your wedding photographer

We didn’t think you were coming, we
were about to ring someone else

Sorry, terrible traffic, there was
an accident

Looks like you were in it!

Come in

Would you mind taking your shoes off?

just had a new carpet fitted,
early wedding present

This is Simon

Better known as “the lucky man”

Hi

Was anyone hurt?

Hurt, where?

In the car accident

No, just a bumper shunt at
a roundabout

Will you be looking smarter
on our wedding day?

Too right I will, I scrub up
really well...

be the smartest man there...

apart from the groom, best man,
father of the bride...

I’ll show you some photos

Lovely photos

Thank you

You’re probably praying for good
weather but I do recommend...

making contingency plans for
taking your photos inside...

or organise some white umbrellas,
has been known to rain in April

It’s not going to rain on our big day,
it’s sorted

And will you be visiting the venue
before the wedding day?

Well, I’ve worked there so many times,
I know every leaf on the trees...

all the names of the ducks on the lake,
but if it makes you feel better...

and takes some of the stress
out of marrying Simon...

Err ... stress out of organising
the wedding...

sure, we can meet there one day...

and I’ll need a list, all the group
shots you want...

and anything special you have planned

And you do organise the wedding album?

I sure do, just let me know what
sort of style you like and...

I’ll get you some samples. This style
is very popular this year

I think I fancy something a
bit more classy

I can do classy

Sorry, I have to go, somewhere
I need to visit before it closes...

if there’s anything you need to discuss
before the big day, and there will be...

just give me a ding ... nice meeting you

You said you needed a deposit from us

Don’t worry, I trust you

Your albums Ben!

Thank you, bye!

HANDBRAKE ON

SIGHS

Good afternoon sir, can I help you?

I was hoping to see one of
your advisors...

I haven't actually got an appointment

Oh ... we’ve got 6 people waiting...

we might be able to squeeze you in as
our last of the day...

but there will be a wait...

probably over an hour,
will that be ok?

Have to be

Ok, can you sign in please, and say
briefly what you need help with...

have you been to this
Citizen’s Advice Bureau before?

No, never

If you can take a seat in the waiting
room, it’s the last door on the left

CLOCK TICKING

Mr. Bradley? I have an advisor
free now, can you follow me?

We’re starting to get a lot of
enquiries about the CSA

Mainly from fathers I would guess

Actually no, it’s mums and dads, seems
nobody is very happy with the new system

some fathers can’t afford to pay...

and mothers aren’t receiving what
the CSA has promised them...

bit of a lose-lose situation,
... just go on up the stairs.

Good afternoon, I’m Deborah,
sorry to keep you waiting...

too many problems to sort, not
enough staff, how can I help you?

I’ll keep it simple, I’m a
single parent...

I’ve been looking after my 3 boys...

with the help of a live-in au pair,
she’s French...

sorry, too much detail, my ex wife
recently kidnapped my eldest boy...

I’m not sure you can accuse a mother
of kidnapping her own child...

anyway, please continue

Ok, she failed to return him to me
after a weekend visit up north...

now I’ve received a letter from this
new Child Support Agency thing...

telling me I’m liable to pay maintenance
to her, I just can’t believe it!

She left me for another guy and
abandoned her children...

now I’m caring for two boys...

and have to pay for full time child
care, she only has one...

and because she’s too bloody lazy,
... sorry, to work...

I’m expected to pay for it all,
it’s just not right

Well ...
I agree it doesn’t seem fair...

do you mind if I just spend a few
minutes swatting up on the CSA?

it’s all fairly new to us as well

Sure.

DESK DRAWER CLOSED

OK, the government has
two stated aims...

to reduce child poverty and to make
non-resident parents...

responsible for the financial
upkeep of their children...

the non-resident parent should be left
with at least 60% of their net income...

the calculation uses a fixed
percentage of your net income...

all seems very black and white

Yes, and 100% based on disappearing
dads who do a runner...

my situation is just a bit different...

for a start it was my wife who
wore the running shoes...

and I look after more kids
than she does...

I’m the exception that just
doesn’t fit the rule

At this point, I can only suggest you
supply them with all the information...

they have requested and see what
your liability is, it may be very little

But I’ve already run it all
through their calculator...

and it’s telling me I have to pay
around £560 a month...

I never know what I’m earning
from one month to the next!

As I said...

I think at this stage you should comply
with whatever the CSA is asking...

and if you still feel aggrieved
by the situation...

do come back and see me

Thank you ...
I may well be back.

Could you sign out please?

Thank you ... Bye

Goodbye Mr. Bradley...
good luck!

Looks like I’m going to need it.

SONG

"I'm gonna find me a way"

"To help things"

"I know I'm gonna find me a way"

"Given that I own"

"I watch the news every day"

"I wanna look away"

"I'm gonna find me a way I know."

Hi Ben, looks like you’ve got the weight
of the world on your shoulders

I could do with building them up a bit,
get some boulder shoulders

Could it be anything to do
with something...

beginning with C and ending in A?

With an S for shitheads in the middle

That’s the one!

They’re piling on the pressure now, they
must be on some serious incentives...

to extract money from us...

they keep ringing to remind me I
haven't returned their damn form...

they’re obviously super keen because
they’ve all got new jobs...

probably been promoted from
traffic wardens...

or some other socially parasitic job

Well I’d give anything to be in
your position...

at least you can put up a good fight...

us employed guys just have to
pay up or piss off

What do you mean?

Well, I love my kids, like my job,
most of the time...

but I’m not sure I can face this CSA
stuff for the next 14 years...

they’ve cleaned me out and left me
with a black cloud...

which follows me everywhere...

between fighting to get access
to my kids...

and struggling to arrest criminals...

paying them is all I can think about...

I’ve been having some dark thoughts

Like blowing up their office?

No!

that would just make
more work for me...

I’ve been dreaming of America or...

maybe even ... leaving the planet

WEIGHTS BAR CLANGS

You don’t wanna do that, just be more
work for your mates at the station

You’re right, they wouldn’t thank me
for that, we can’t even cope now

No illegitimi carborundum

What the hell’s that?

It's Latin, means don’t let the
bastards grind you down

It’s like being mugged by the state

Well just don’t do anything stupid

or at least wait till your
gym membership expires.

GENTLE MUSIC

Daddy, are you doing homework?

Sort of, it’s grown ups' homework

bit like yours but much more difficult

What subject is it?

It’s something I have to prepare
for the government...

Some information they need,
difficult to explain really

What’s the CSA?

Well...

long, long ago...

there were good dinosaurs like Steggy,
who were vegetarian and very friendly

and there were big bad dinosaurs,
with huge feet...

that went around treading on everyone
and causing havoc...

the CSA or Crushasurus are
like the bad dinosaurs...

they've escaped from a zoo near Dudley
and are looking for people to eat!

but we've got Steggy to protect us

So does that mean they’re not real?

No, just a bunch of captive, angry
monsters!

Because someone from the CSA rang
you last night when you were out...

I forgot to tell you

One of them must have escaped!
Did he leave a message?

No, just asked me to tell you
the CSA had phoned

OK

well, if he rings again, ask
him for his name

Is there anything I can help you with?

I wish you could,
I wish somebody could...

but now, it’s bedtime for dinosaurs...

and don’t forget to brush your teeth

Goodnight dad

I’ll be up to tuck you in.

HAPPY MUSIC

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

F**K!

You’re calling the
Child Support Agency...

to allow us to assist you,
press the star key twice...

if you are a parent with care or a
non-resident parent, you will be...

asked to enter the 6 numbers as they
appear on your case reference...

please be aware that all calls are
monitored and may be retained...

for the benefit of customers and
staff in sensitive situations...

for security and staff training...

please hold the line while you are
connected with a case worker.

Child Support Agency,
Wendy speaking

Hi, I was speaking to John
previously, is he around?

Does anyone know a John here?

Never heard of him

I was speaking to John
about my situation...

I’ve just got a letter from you and it’s
threatening to send me to prison...

if I don't pay maintenance

but this is madness, I’m providing
a great home for 2 kids...

what you should be doing is helping
me keep all the boys together here...

what’s prison going to solve?
You’ll have to put them in care...

and pay for that...

I won’t be earning a penny
while I’m inside...

so she still won’t get her money,
this just defies common sense!

I can see a letter was sent out
to you last Tuesday...

after you failed to pay
the parent with care

but I’m also a parent with care
and she only has one child...

I've got twice as many, hello!
Can you hear me?

Yes Mr. Bradley, I can hear you
loud and clear...

the best thing is to write to us
with any additional information...

not included in the calculation

But I’ve already done that,
and no one is listening to me!

I’m sure everything you’ve sent to us...

has been read and included
in the calculation

I want to come and see someone,
face to face, this just can’t be right

Certainly...

I can arrange a meeting
for you, we currently have...

a six month waiting list, we’re looking
at ... January next year

6 months, but this letter is giving
me 7 days to pay!

In 6 months I’ll be banged up in some
grubby prison cell somewhere...

probably sharing with a real criminal
and shitting in the corner!

DIALLING TONE

Hello?

DIALLING TONE

Hello?

DIALLING TONE

Bitch has hung up on me!

PHONE RING

YES!

Oh hi, I’m Jenny, I was given
your name by a friend...

we’re looking for a photographer
for our wedding in September...

the 15th, are you available?

Maybe...

Probably...

Yes and no...

I'm sorry to be so vague...

I know you need a definite answer...

right now I’m not taking any
long term bookings...

probably best if you find
someone else, sorry

Can you recommend anyone else?

Umm ... leave me your number
and I’ll have a think

OK, my number is
021 7352183...

you won’t forget?

No, I won’t forget, I promise

Thanks

bye bye.

Are you eating with us tonight?

I sure am, thank you

PHONE RINGS

Hello

Hi Julia, it’s Ben

Ben, you’ve actually phoned,
I don’t believe it!

Actually it’s not entirely a
social call...

I didn’t say when we bumped into
each other but ...

I do have a small childcare problem...

and I was wondering if I could
pick your legal brain?

Well...

my area of expertise is really fraud
but you’re welcome to any...

free range family law brain cells
I can muster, what’s the problem?

After the initial shock of becoming a
single parent...

it was all going really well...

still is really, getting better
and better...

but I’ve had demands from the
Child Support Agency ... for money

Money for who?

For my ex, seems Jamie, the one
child she has, trumps my two...

I’m expected to pay her
hundreds of pounds a month...

That doesn’t seem logical

That’s what I told them

What did they say?

Oh, they’ve been really understanding,
offered to put me up...

in one of Her Majesty’s hotels
if I don’t pay up

What? You mean they would
actually send you to prison?

we need to meet up,
coffee tomorrow, 6 ish?

Great, I’ll bring the ransom note,
bye.

What’s that?

It’s my new mobile phone,
mobile office really...

it’s brilliant, I can take
work bookings anywhere...

I think they might really catch on...

don’t worry, It’s switched off

You look awful, have
you slept at all this week?

Not since I got this letter...

what’s your hourly rate
for stuff like this?

Won’t be cheap...

at least a large black coffee
for a start

2 coffees please, 1 black 1 white

I’ve been looking into the CSA...

and penalties for non-payment...

If you don’t pay, they do have the
authority to demand a court hearing...

and if the judge is not satisfied
you are paying your share...

based on the CSA calculations,
as the absent parent...

yes, you could be given
a custodial sentence

Bloody hell!

so I really could
be banged up...

even though I’ve got the
kids to look after?

I know Ben, it just
doesn’t make sense

Thank you

Thank you

locking me up isn't going
to solve anything...

anyone would think I’m
a child molester...

It’s just another kick in
the teeth for my boys...

they’ve already
lost their mother...

what if they lose me too?

seems there’s bugger all
I can do about it...

where do I go from here?

Well, the first thing you can do
is appeal against their decision...

I’m not confident this
will sort it out...

but it will certainly put
the brakes on things...

give you some breathing space...

right now, the law is
not on your side...

but many a legal battle has
been won by people like you...

people challenging the law...

and I’m going to help you, OK?

Thanks

Have you contacted your MP?

No

I didn’t think they would bother with
trivial domestic problems like this...

do you think it's worth a shot?

It certainly is. Who is you MP?

I can’t remember, but I
know it’s a blue one...

won’t be rushing to help
me fight their policies

You might be surprised and it’s
certainly the next thing to do...

if you want to challenge
the CSA’s decision

I’ll try anything

Good, I’ve got to go...

appeal against the decision today and
write to your MP tomorrow, promise?

Will do

Let me know how you get on.

Excuse me, do you have
a pen I can borrow?

Thank you.

Dear Sir, I am writing to you in
response to your recent letter...

I wish to appeal against
your decision...

threatening me with
a prison sentence...

for not paying the maintenance
the CSA has calculated.

Why are you all dressed up dad?

I’m going to see a very
important man today

Who is he?

He’s called an MP, means
Member of Parliament

Is he a nice man?

I hope so

Can I straighten your tie?

Of course you can...

thank you...

I’ll see you after school.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Come in...

Leave the plants for a few days and
the central heating suffocates them...

I should have cacti here really...

anyway, do take a seat
Mr ... err ... Bradley

Thank you

So, how can I help you today?

I sent you a letter, did you
get a chance to read it?

Yes I did, I have your
letter here Mr Bradley...

I’m very glad you’ve come to
see me, must be quite a worry...

can I just clarify, you
are legally divorced...

you care for two of your children...

and your ex-wife cares for
one of them?

That’s correct

And the CSA is asking you to
help maintain the child...

who doesn’t live with you

Yes...

the big problem is their calculation...

it doesn’t allow for my living expenses,
childcare costs and variable income...

I can’t pay it...

and even if I could, it’s
just morally wrong

As you probably already know
the Child Support Agency...

was launched last year, personally
I think it’s a very good thing...

in principle...

but like so many of these
new benefit schemes...

it can take a while to sort out
some of the teething problems...

maybe you need to go to the CSA
and see them, face to face

If only!

I’ve been trying to get to see
them to discuss it for weeks...

but they’re like some
faceless organisation...

just keep sending salvos
of threatening letters...

and phoning me all the time...

now they’re threatening to
send me to prison...

for God’s sake, I’m not a criminal!

Unfortunately...

I can’t influence the way the CSA
calculates your maintenance payments...

but does seem to me on balance,
if you're caring for two children...

then their welfare must
be the first priority...

locking you up would certainly
not help them...

and could indeed achieve very little...

I’m going to write to the minister
concerned and see what he has to say...

I’ll ask him to contact you directly

Thank you...

much appreciated

I’ll do my best.

Yes!

ENERGETIC MUSIC

LONELY MUSIC

Thank you for your letter
received 28 April 1994...

seeking to appeal to the
Child Support Appeal Tribunal...

Regulation 4 of the Child Support
Appeal Tribunal...

such declaration shall dispose
of the purported appeal...

The Tribunal Chairman has made
such a declaration in your case...

the declaration is set out overleaf...

there is no right of appeal against it.

Signed,
Mr. Bloody Unreadable Squiggle

DESOLATE MUSIC

SPLASH

DESOLATE MUSIC

I’d been thinking about
Liam’s CSA solution...

moving away to somewhere they
couldn’t reach me, like Australia...

that would be far enough away
for sure...

my boys would love the hot
dry weather, outdoor life...

and amazing opportunities...

whilst I could easily tolerate their
kangaroo steaks and ice cold beer...

surely a few venomous spiders
and some great white sharks...

would be a better option
than the CSA?

the more I thought about it,
the more I wanted to do it.

It isn’t! ... It is!

It isn’t! ... It is!

It isn’t! ... It is!

It isn’t!

Dad, we’re playing countries
and Scott says Antarctica...

isn’t a country beginning with 'A'

It’s not, you can’t have it!

Well, Antarctica is actually
a continent, not a country...

but you could have Australia, which
is both a country and a continent...

let’s see what you know
about Australia...

I think it’s a long way away

It’s sunny and it never rains

they have these kooola
bears with fluffy ears

all the boys are called Bruce

and all the girls are called Sheila

Would you like to live there?

With you?

Of course!

What about mum,
will we still see her?

I don’t see why not, she could
spend her holidays down under

Down under what?

It’s a nickname for Australia...

because it’s in the
southern hemisphere...

and looks likes it’s down there,
under all the other countries

When are we going?
I need to pack!

Wait up!

First I have to ask the nice people of
Australia if they want us to come...

Now, off to bed...

and don’t tell your mum...

I would like it to be a surprise

OK.

Here we go...

Australian migration eligibility
for UK citizens...

seems pretty simple...

I get points for speaking English,
more points for having a degree...

I just need 100 points to escape
from this CSA nightmare...

shouldn’t be too difficult...

let’s see...

20 ... 36 ... 61...

73 ... 98 points

Bugger!
just 2 points short!

surely they’ll overlook
2 measly points.

AUSTRALIAN MUSIC

Ozzies are really laid back, surely when
they meet me they will smile and say...

“Two points under, no worries mate,
welcome to Australia Ben”

AUSTRALIAN MUSIC

I’ve always dreamt of living
in Australia

Well let’s see how your points
stack up for starters

WAITING ROOM MUSIC

WAITING ROOM MUSIC

Excuse me, are you 156?

G’day...

I’ve filled in your form...

I’m just a couple of points
short of the entry quota...

I was hoping to talk to you about
what I can offer your country

Problem is your age...

you’re over 30...

don’t know any way of
changing that, do you?

Not really

You see, this isn’t a guide...

it’s our Aussie rules...

maybe they will change in the future
but right now it’s ruling you out...

only way you can get to live in
Australia is if we need your skills...

what do you do?

Photographer, freelance

Crikey mate, we’re overrun
with them right now...

if you can do something useful
like lay 600 bricks a day...

or fix air conditioning...

sign here, otherwise, sorry mate

AUSTRALIAN MUSIC

WEIGHTS CLANG

Hi Ben...

how’s it going?

It’s not...

The CSA are threatening to send
me to prison for non-payment

Blimey! That’s a bit over the top!

too right, I need to do
something drastic...

I decided to try and emigrate,
take the boys to Australia...

10,000 miles between me
and the Child Abuse Agency

And

They rejected me...

seems I’m 1 year too old...

only want people under 30...

Shit ...
You know what you did wrong?

they only let you in if you’ve
actually been in prison...

years ago they sent you to Oz
for stealing a bread roll...

what you going to do now?

I finally got to see my MP
he seems very sympathetic...

he’s going to write to the minister
responsible for all this CSA chaos...

reckons he can make him
see sense about my situation

I wish you luck, they’re sucking
so much out of my wages...

just not worth me working any more,
every spare penny goes to her...

I really miss the kids, even the
school things I didn’t enjoy...

parents’ evenings, school play...

being told my son had
been in a fight...

missing it all now.

CRAWLING SOUNDS

Who’s that dad?

That’s Ruth, the bride...

and her new husband, Peter...

I take the photos and make them a
nice album, to remember the wedding

Did you take the photos
at your wedding?

No, I was too busy fiddling
with rings and things...

a friend took them

Steggy wants to know if we
are we still going to Australia?

Well...

I went to see an Australian
man, in London...

and he doesn’t think
they have room for us...

so Steggy, you’re going to have to
carry on eating children in England...

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

DOOR BELL RINGS

Morning

Don’t think there’s any
bills there today

I don’t actually mind the bills!

It’s the envelopes postmarked
CSA Dudley I’m allergic to

I can always feed them to the
dog next door if you want?

I don’t dislike the dog that much!

EXPECTANT MUSIC

Dear Mrs. Bradley?

I am writing to you in respect
of a letter I received...

from Norman Pilkington MP...

as I understand it, you currently
have care of 2 children...

from your marriage and the
absent father has care of one child...

you'll be pleased to know that
the Child Support Agency’s...

calculation of maintenance payments
is legally enforceable...

and the agency will do everything
in its power to ensure...

the payments are made to you promptly.

I have contacted the
Child Support Agency, Dudley...

and requested that they
prioritise your case...

I hope the matter is resolved
to your satisfaction.

Mrs. Bradley!

I don’t believe it...

I just don’t believe it!

THUD,THUD,THUD

Hi Julia, me again...

have you got time for
another coffee, cake and...

crap letters from the CSA session?

Same place, same time?

I’ll be there.

A cappuccino please...

saw these and thought of you,
for all your help

Thank you Ben...

Martin really will think there’s
something going on between us

Sorry, I binned it

Some crossed wires here...

did you get a copy of the letter
sent by your MP to the minister?

No, but he definitely
knew I was a man

This is shocking!

could you bear to
go and see him again?

I don’t think so...

he was one of Thatcher’s
nearest and dearest...

this doesn’t surprise me

Thanks

I’m not giving up yet...

there is something else
we can try

like a magician with a
bloody great magic wand?

It’s called a judicial review

What’s one of them?

Basically, it’s your last resort...

in simple terms, It’s a legal
action you or any citizen...

can take against a public body...

like the CSA...

if you feel they are treating
you unlawfully or unfairly

Well they’re certainly doing that...

it sounds complicated

It’s not too bad...

initially, there’s
a form to fill in...

stating why you’ve got
a case against the CSA...

and it’s something
I can help you with...

I’ll scatter a few legal terms
here and there...

to make them sit up
and pay attention

I guess I haven't
got anything to lose

And remember, attack is
the best form of defence

you need to challenge this whole
premise which underlies this system...

why should you be cited as the
absent parent? She left you!

and it strikes me that it’s encouraging
women to leave their partners...

knowing full well that they can then
claim absurd amounts of money

Well, maybe

I’ll nip back to the office, get
you a form and drop it in later...

you need to instigate stage 1...

which is a claim to the
administrative court...

we need to act quickly, there’s a
time limit on these things...

I've got to go, big case tomorrow,
need to prepare.

GENTLE MUSIC

You know, I really appreciate
your help, I’m sinking fast

Stick with it Ben, and let me
know what your MP says

Will do,
and thanks for the coffee

I thought you'd paid for it?

PURPOSEFUL MUSIC

Hello

Hi Julia...

Judicial review
silly question time...

is now ok or shall
I call you back?

Now is fine, just
doing some homework

This is heavy stuff!

it says it’s little old me
against the Queen

Oh don’t worry about that...

The Queen has about as much to do
with English law as Freddie Mercury

Now, I should know this...

but who is the claimant and
who is the defendant?

You better get that one right...

you are the claimant...

and the CSA, spell it out
in full, is the defendant

It’s asking me for the
claimant’s counsel details

That would be me...

but...

you had better leave that
one blank for now I think

That’s all for now, I’m
sure there will be more

When you’ve finished, fax it
over and I’ll have a look

Will do, I’ll send it
over later tonight.

PURPOSEFUL MUSIC

Hi Julia, bit of a nightmare but I’m
getting somewhere with it now

PURPOSEFUL MUSIC

Wondered how much
I should write for...

PURPOSEFUL MUSIC

Yes, just got a couple of
more questions for you

PURPOSEFUL MUSIC

Sorry, you must be getting sick of
the sound of my voice by now

PURPOSEFUL MUSIC

No, no, getting closer now...

PURPOSEFUL MUSIC

Thanks you’re the best,
I’ll send it over

PURPOSEFUL MUSIC

FAX MACHINE WHIRRING

PURPOSEFUL MUSIC

FAX MACHINE PRINTING

PURPOSEFUL MUSIC

DOOR CLOSE, CLICK

CAR PASSING

LONELY MUSIC

DOORBELL SOUNDS

Morning...

Says please do not bend
on here...

I was going to roll it but it
looks a bit too important

Pete, you are too kind...

I think I’m going to recommend
you for a promotion

Put me on the stamps
instead of Liz...

Have a good day

I’ll try my best...

might depend on
what’s in this big boy!

DOOR CLOSE

HOPEFUL MUSIC

In the matter of an application
for Judicial Review...

The Queen versus CSA,
ex parte Benjamin Bradley...

leave to apply for a
Judicial Review...

of the Child Support
Appeal Tribunal is...

Granted!

YES!

They’ve said yes!

SAID YES!

YES! YES! YES!

OPTIMISTIC MUSIC

Hi, can you put me through
to Julia Jones in legal please?

PHONE RINGING

Hello

Hi, it’s Ben...

I'm sorry to ring you
at the office...

but just had to tell you that
I’ve been given leave to apply...

for a judicial review of my
case against the CSA...

I can’t believe it! We did it,
someone is finally listening to me!

Brilliant! But, before you
break out the champagne...

you have to remember this is only
the first stage of the process...

does it say how long you have got before
you have to apply for the next stage?

Umm...

Should be in notes for the
applicant at the bottom

Got it, 14 days

OK Ben...

If you are going to continue
with the action...

you are going to need serious
legal representation...

the CSA will have the best
barrister in the land...

laid on by the government...

and whilst I'd dearly love to see
this through with you to the end...

because I work for customs & excise,
another government department...

I can’t be seen to be helping you...

conflict of interests and all that...

but I’ll be there to hold your hand
and advise you...

but unofficially

I understand...

I hadn't thought of that...

yes of course...

this is heavy stuff I guess...

have you any idea what
it might cost me?

Well...

if you win, nothing...

and you could even be
reimbursed some costs, but...

If you lose, it’s a piece of string...

a top flight barrister is
going to cost you...

anything from £400
upwards an hour

An hour? That’s unbelievable!

it’s more than I earn some months!

Then there's court costs, It
could be over in a few days...

but it could drag on for
months, costing thousands...

and you are going to have to
do some serious financial planning...

because if the judge does
rule against you...

there are strict guidelines as
to when you have to pay by

Right now I‘m still recovering
from the divorce settlement...

the piggy bank is
running on empty...

I’m gonna have to give it
all some serious thought

OK Ben,
let me know what you decide

Will do, bye, bye.

REFLECTIVE MUSIC

Hi Liam, it’s Ben

Hi there, are you ringing
from your prison cell?

Not quite

Are you going to the gym tonight?

I could do with a dose of
your Irish wisdom Liam

Just about, my membership expires in a
few weeks and can’t afford to renew it..

see you usual time?

I might just go straight to the pub

Catch you later.

Yes sir?

Hi, whisky please

OK, which one do you want?

Whichever is the strongest

just £1.20 please

CASH TILL, COINS RATTLE

TILL DRAWER CLOSED

Thank you.

I see your on the hard stuff...

I hope it’s Irish

Right now, I wouldn’t
care if it was Japanese!

Let me get you a drink ... usual?

Why not?

Pint of Guinness please

It’s a bit lively, I’ll bring it over

OK, thanks.

It’s just settling

Wish I was...

never been so unsettled in my life...

those bastards are sucking
megabucks from my wages...

and my ex won’t even
let me see the kids...

I used to wonder why men carried
photos of their kids in their wallet...

I do the same now...

at least you see some of yours
and know where you’re going

Yes ... prison!

They look after you in there...

3 meals a day, regular exercise, TV...

and if you ask them nicely...

they may even let you take your
camera to help pass the time

And if I ever get out...

no kids, no business and
tarnished for life...

anyway, there’s some light at the
end of this long dark CSA tunnel

and what would that be?

I have a friend, Julia Jones, she’s a
barrister for the customs & excise

Jesus, you have some friends in
strange places don’t you?

she’s been really supportive, got me to
apply for a judicial review of the CSA

it’s like a last resort for when
you just can’t...

bang your head against a
government wall anymore

and you want me to represent
you in court?

Not quite...

you see it could all get really
expensive

Damn, I knew I left my cheque book
at home for a reason!

No, no, no...

I’m not after borrowing money...

at least not from you...

I’ve got options...

I could re-mortgage the house, again...

I could sell the house and
move to a smaller flat...

but that would all take weeks

the problem is if I lose the case

I’m still liable for the
CSA payments...

or, prison...

and I just don’t know who will
look after the boys

But there’s maybe another option

I’m all ears

Well, I don't know of any
other single parent father...

being threatened with prison
for doing a good job...

of looking after their children...

frankly, it beggars belief...

what about trying to sell your
story to a left wing newspaper...

Daily Mirror, Guardian,
there’s loads of them...

offer them exclusive rights
to the story...

in return for them paying
for your court costs...

The publicity might also highlight the
problems of all the other fathers...

making these ransom payments and
not getting to see their children

You’re a bloody genius!

That’s a brilliant idea,
why didn’t I think of that?

Well, you know what they say...

When you're lost,
ask a policeman

GLASSES CHINK

I’ve got 2 weeks to sort it, I’ll hit
the phone in the morning.

Directory Enquiries?

London

Can I have the number for
the Daily Mirror please?

Good morning, I have a story
which might interest you

I believe you syndicate stories
to national newspapers?

I’m trying to sell a story
about a single parent

fighting the Child Support Agency

Yes, the Guardian newspaper

Can I speak to your
features editor please?

The children are
5 and 6, both boys

I have a great story you
might be interested in

Bradley, B R A D L E Y

Yes, exclusive to your paper,
photos and everything

The CSA, it’s the Child Support Agency

Yes, prison if I don’t pay up, I know,
it’s unbelievable!

I'm asking you to underwrite
all the court costs

Yes, I know it’s a big ask

You need to discuss it
with your editor, sure

That’s right, little old me
in the High Court...

against the government’s
Child Support Agency

Sorry, wrong number...

no, I don’t need any Chinese food,
thank you

At this stage, I don’t know the
court costs...

guess it could be thousands

It’s not your decision alone, ok

No, I’m not a single parent mother...

I’m a man!

A single parent father...

yes I know it’s unusual

You'll print the story but aren’t
prepared to support the court case

Thanks for ringing back...

No, I haven’t spoken to
any other papers...

you’re the first!

I’ve already rung you about this,
sorry, bye

No, I’m not actually familiar with
your publication’s political views

The whole thing is just morally wrong

I’m not trying to make money
out of this...

just pay my legal costs

You don’t pay for stories...right

Thanks for letting me know anyway

If I go ahead with the court case...

I have to notify them the day
after tomorrow

Is there any chance of a decision
within the next day or two?

When could you get back to me?

You’ll definitely run the story
and pay for it if I go to prison...

I'll have to think about that one!

GATE OPENED

THOUGHTFUL MUSIC

Good morning

Hi

I was just locking up...

it seems church candlesticks
have become very collectable

Oh, it doesn’t matter...

I was just passing...

I’ll pop in another time

Well...

don’t rush off, we’re not like pubs...

we have bells but
there’s no last orders

Thank you.

THOUGHTFUL INTRO MUSIC TO SONG

Once I believed in fairytales and
miracles and us...

'til you taught me these
were foolish dreams...

and all things pass
and turn to dust...

at the end of the rainbow
there's no pot of gold...

just a bucket of rust,
beyond repair...

now all we share are
memories and a name...

I think we were happy then.

You know you can stay as long
as you like, I can lock up later

Thank you Father

I’m not actually a Father...

if you want a Catholic priest...

the one with the little box, then...

that’s the other church,
a few miles down the road

Sorry...

I should know that...

the amount of time I spend
working around churches

You know, underneath
these fancy clothes...

we’re just ordinary people...

and we’re good at listening...

would it help to
share your troubles?

Thank you...

but I’ve been sharing my nightmare
with too many people...

for too long...

making my problem theirs...

I ...

I ...

I ...

CRYING

PHONE RINGING

Hello?

Hi it’s Ben, I’m in town...

are you having a lunch break today?

I wasn’t planning to, but we need
to catch up, where are you?

On a bench, near the church...

you’ll see my mobile office
attached to my ear

OK,

I just need to make a quick call
and I’ll be down

Hi!

how’s it going?

It’s not

So, no luck with the judicial review?

I couldn’t raise the money
to continue with it...

If I’d lost the case...

I’d have lost my house...

my boys...

my cameras...

everything

Oh, Ben...

I’m so sorry...

I really thought you had a good case...

but the law’s a funny thing...

and the innocent party
doesn’t always win...

you’ve probably made the
right decision...

what are you going to do now?

Nothing

Is that an option?

It’s just about my only option...

I can’t pay the money!

and I just can’t fight this...

Child Abuse Agency any more...

I’m just going to unplug the phone...

throw all their letters in the bin...

and wait for the day when
they come to arrest me...

maybe that will get in the papers...

“Single parent arrested
for being a good father”

I hate to leave you like this...

but I’ve got a meeting
I dare not be late for...

I’ll ring you later...

I promise.

HISS OF AIR FROM PUNCTURED TYRE

Daddy!

And what have you two
done today?

We’ve learnt French with Sophie

Vous avez a funny shape wheel

Thanks Scott...

I think maybe
I can save that one

Can we help?

Of course you can

CAR JACK PUT DOWN

Now, before we jack it up...

we must first slacken
off the wheel nuts...

or the wheel will just spin

You know it’s only flat on the bottom

That’s useful to know!

There ya go, don’t drive in the
rain till you’ve read them

I promise

Err, the postman leave the letters
behind the window scraper...

1, 2, 3 for you and 1 for me...

my parents, I can tell,
smells of cakes!

OK ... Thanks

OMINOUS MUSIC

Dear Mr. Bradley...

in respect of the claim against you...

for maintenance of your son,
Jamie Bradley...

who resides with Mrs. J. Bradley...

this is to advise you that
Mrs. J. Bradley is now employed...

and the Child Support Agency...

will no longer be pursuing
you for payments...

as a non-residential parent...

your details will be kept on file...

and if circumstances change
in the future...

we reserve the right to
re-open the case

Are you ok?

Yes

I’m ok

I’m more than ok!

This is the best letter I’ve ever
received, in my entire life...

I may even frame it!

Excuse me, I must ring a friend

It’s good news week!

Are we going to Australia, dad?

No...

we’re all staying right here...

you, me, Scott, Sophie, Steggy

PICKS UP PHONE AND DIALS

PHONE RINGING

Come on, pick up!

PHONE RINGING

Hi Liam, I’ve got some great news,
are you around tonight?

Drinks are on me!