Father Dear Father (1973) - full transcript

(Soft funky music)

(Funky music)

Richard.

It's a bit loud isn't it?

What?

Loud!

Bit too loud!

I'm sorry I can't hear you.

The record player.

Loud!

Right.



(Funky music)

Three o'clock!

Where's my other slipper?

Really.

Oh.

Well really.

Who's got my drink?

H G Wells.

H G Well!

Not that H G Wells.

That H G Wells.

(Soft funky music)

Don't touch that it's daddys.

I beg your pardon.



Excuse me.

Oh I'm sorry.

Carry on.

Karen stop carrying on!

Make up your mind daddy.

This noise has gone on long enough.

I'm going to put my foot down.

(Yelling)

Hello daddy.

Glad to see you're getting with it.

I have put my foot in a
plate of hot spaghetti.

It's alright sir

it's only my spaghetti.

Daddy this is Dumbo.

He's a laughing chamber pot.

A what?

With the group like Manta Barley.

Look do you realise it's 3 o'clock in the morning?

What are the neighbours going to think
with all this boogy woogy blaring out?

Boogy what?

Woogy music.

I mean don't misunderstand me.

I like to see you having, Karen will
you stop talking when I'm snogging to you.

I mean nobody can say that I'm a square.

- No.
- No!

I've cut a rug with the best of them in my time.

(Doorbell ringing)

There you are you see.

Oh blimey it's the fuzz.

Good evening Miss.

We just had a complaint phoned
in about the noise of your party.

Now do you think you can keep it down a bit?

Yes alright.

It'll be breaking up soon anyway.

Thank you Miss.

Somebody phoned in to complain?

What a mean trick.

Who was it?

I'm sorry Miss I can't reveal that.

Alright Mr Glover, anymore
trouble just phone in again.

Traitor.

Officer.

Officer.

That was a bit tactless wasn't it?

Why didn't you put a stop to it yourself sir?

Well I, I didn't want to be unpopular you see.

Whereas you chaps you're unpopular already.

Oh not with me of course.

I think you policemen are wonderful.

I think it was sweet as well sir.

And why don't you go back to bed.

Yes.

Yes perhaps you're right.

Goodnight.

There's still some food left if you want some.

(Party music continues)

Oh!

Now look what you've done!

(Banging)

(Doorbell ringing)

Anna.

Karen!

(Funky music)

Somebody?

(Funky music)

Oh.

Oh, Oh. Ooh.

(Yelling)

Anna?

Karen?

Me!

Somebody help

Mayday

Mayday

(Funky music)

Aw! Awe!

Well really.

(Funky music)

Milkman would you leave 2 extra gold
top and a pint of cream please?

- Okay nanny.
- Thank you.

Oh good morning Mr Patrick.

Been for a nice early morning drive?

That's right nanny.

That's right.

Well you really ought to wrap
up more in this weather.

You'll get a nasty chill.

Morning Mr Glover been
out for an early morning drive?

(Soft funky music)

You should have taken
more water with you H G.

(Soft funky music)

Oh crisps!

Oh my god, what a mess
these kids have made.

Just look at this room nanny.

I mean why is it that the
kids can't have a party

without making such an app...
Nanny you look quite strange.

Oh.

I think I'll have breakfast
before you tidy up nanny.

And let... What's this?

What sort of a party was it last night nanny?

I don't know Mr Patrick.

38C.

Are either of the girls a 38C nanny?

No.

Is it yours?

No.

It must belong to one of their friends.

What?

You're quite right.

Dorothy Perkins.

Now look here.

This is not good enough.

It's a 38C.

What more do you want?

Chris bought it for a giggle,
along with a monkey mask.

Bit childish isn't it?

Prancing around in a monkey mask.

Celia wanted to burn it.

She suddenly decided to join the Women's Lib.

Good job she didn't burn her own.

It would have been the great
fire of London all over again.

- Was everything right for you after the police left?
- Oh yes fine, fine.

Have you any idea what it is like lying
down in the backseat of a motor car?

- Well.
- Don't answer that.

Now look here I said you could have this party
provided you your guests had left 12 o'clock.

But they have.

It's only 10 o'clock now.

12 at night.

The trouble is I'm far too soft with you two.

- Far too soft nanny.
- I'll give it another minute.

After all I am your father
and I am responsible for you.

You worry too much.

You think we'll get pregnant
if we sit on a warm bus seat.

And as for you young lady,
you're growing up far too fast.

When I was your age I was two years younger.

Who broke that?

Richard he jogged it with his elbow.

But it was on top of a bookcase.

So was Richard.

Good grief.

That young man is the clumsiest boy.
You glued my newspaper to the table

and it's crossword bit too.

Oh really.

Trouble is I'm not hard enough.

- Not hard enough.
- If you say so.

- I do.
- Oh.

Anyway there are gonna be a
few changes around this house.

I am going to draw up a list of rules.

- Again?
- Again.

Rule 1 there will be no more going to pyjama parties.

Oh!

In my pyjamas.

Rule 2 you will not go padding about
the upstairs landing with nothing on.

Why not?

It's all good stuff.

Very possibly but the milkman has
crashed his cart twice this month.

Thank you nanny.

Rule 3.

You will keep me informed at all times

where you are going, when you
will be with and who you will be back.

- Nanny this egg is hard boiled.
- Oh dear.

Oh well never mind I'll have Corn Flakes.

(Doorbell ringing)

Oh who can that be at
this hour of the morning?

Rule 4.

All prisoners attempting to escape will be shot.

Exactly.

Rule 5.

Oh for goodness sake

what on earth next?

Anna wants to leave home.

- What again?
- Again.

It's Mr Phillip.

Morning girls.

- Hello Uncle Phillip.
- Another flying visit?

No, no I came by car.

- Morning Patrick.
- Hello my darling.

I'm on my way to New Market.

Coffee?

Er thank you nanny.

And how much do you want this time?

That he has no way to speak
to your brother Patrick.

I popped in there on my way to New Market
just to have a little quiet chat to my nieces.

You hurt me dreadfully making remarks like that.

How much?

10 quid.

It's an absolute certainty for the 2:30.

I heard it straight from the
stable boys cousins postmen.

How can it lose?

- Now what's all this about you leaving home?
- I left home years ago.

- Not you Anna.
- Well I am 18.

I want a little flat of my own.

Spread my wings and be buffeted
by the winds of experience.

I want to drink deep from the cup of life,

to grasp it with both hands
and fulfil myself as a woman.

Mmm sounds reasonable enough.

Do you want that loan or don't you?

Do as your father says.

Have you any idea how much
it costs to rent a flat these days?

I'm prepared to pay quite a lot for the right place.

2 or even 3 pounds a week if it's self contained.

Why not go to 4 and rent Windsor Castle?

Well if she's got 4 she can lend me 3.

- You're not taking me seriously.
- No I'm not.

Maybe...

Bobby Moore!

What happened to his other leg Mr Patrick?

Thank God it wasn't Lester Picket.

(Typing)

Niarcus knawled a curse.

His hand flashed in his pocket and
he drew out a pearl handled bun.

Gun.

Stop writing that dribble Patrick and listen to me.

This is an investment.

And what do you suppose this dribble is?

Hand over the diamonds he said,
or I shall be forced to hoot.

Shoot.

If this wins I can pay you back
the fiver I borrowed last week.

- No Phillip.
- I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll leave you my watch your security. It's solid gold.

- Phillip it's not.
- It is on the pawn ticket.

No Phillip.

Very well you leave me no alternative.

Urn Bay is 00273, isn't it?

Yes.

- Who you phoning?
- Mother.

What for?

To tell her that you are constipated.

Oh Phillip you wouldn't do that.

You would know very well she'd down here like

a shot with a bottle of that homemade jollop.

The choice is yours £10 or jollop.

Oh alright take it out of that.

Thank you. Hello.

Patrick it's for you.

- Who?
- Mother.

Oh Phillip really.

Hello mother darling.

- Hello is that you Patrick?
- Yes.

Yes, yes I, I just phoned to say to say.

Hello mother

(Laughing)

That was Phillip.

Oh very good dear it sounded just like him.

- Are you eating all your crusts?
- Crusts?

Oh, oh yes mother, yes I am.

Good that's the way to make
your hair nice and curly.

This calls for a large scotch.

- I haven't got any.
- You haven't got any?

You mean you've gone completely bald?

Don't worry dear you can always wear a teepee.

Don't you mean a toupee mother? A teepee is a wigwam.

That's the word wigwam.

You can get them on the national health.

Now what were you ringing
me up about dear?

Well, I, I just phoned up to.

Oh yes mother I phoned up to tell
you I thought you ought to know.

- Phillip is constipated.
- Swine!

No wine's no good.

I'll see he gets the right thing.

Jollop.

I'll see you out Phillip.

And I hope I lose every penny of your money.

Goodbye Phillip.

- Oh you going out?
- Off to look at flats.

Well you do know your way
to Park Lane don't you.

- You coming?
- No thanks.

I want a word with Attila the Hun.

- Daddy?
- Uh huh.

Gosh your new book is coming along well.

You write so fast, which is amazing
considering the high standard you keep up.

- Whatever it is I can't afford it.
- Oh it's not about money.

- Oh well it's nothing to do with me then is it?
- It's about Richard and me.

Er well you see last night
he finally, he actually.

He finally did it!

- What?
- He wants to marry me.

- I should hope so.
- Oh no that's all he did.

- He proposed to me.
- Oh I see.

Oh well that's alright then. No it isn't

you're far too young to get married.

- I'm 17 and 3/8.
- You are still too young.

You've never liked Richard have you?

Not since the barbecue when he bit into his
hot dog and the sausage shot into your ear.

- It isn't just that darling.
- He said he was sorry but you wouldn't listen.

Well I couldn't could I darling?
Not with a sausage in my ear.

(Chuckling)

Now listen darling

every young girl of your age wants to get married,

settle down and build a little
home, have a nice large family.

There's no harm in thinking that way,

but in a year or two's time you will realise
how wise I was to have made you wait.

- You don't take me seriously either.
- That's right darling.

(Telephone rings)

Hello?

- How's Mr Nicrcus?
- No one of that name lives here.

- The book Patrick.
- Oh is that you Georgie?

Oh the book, oh it's fine. Fine, yes.

I've just completed a page where
the villain hoots the hero with a bun.

- What?
- Well I can't concentrate lately Georgie.

Well you'll have to concentrate.
The publishers are onto me.

- Well if it's not one thing, it's the other.
- The other?

Well the girls mainly.

I mean one of them is on about leaving home
and the other one wants to get married.

I don't know.

Georgie if you were a father what you do?

Sell my story to the Sunday papers I expect.

Will you be serious? I'm very worried about them.

You see they're at that awkward age.

You've been saying that since they were 4.

Yes but since the divorce, it's been getting worse.

I know I think I need some advice or something.

Patrick dear I'm a literary agent not a psychologist.

I don't understand teenage girls and I was one.

- Were you?
- Thank you very much.

Why don't you chat up your local vicar?

Vicar? Now what would a vicar
know about a thing like this?

Oh they're meant to be very good
at sorting out people's problems.

Georgie you're not being
at all helpful this morning.

It's quite obvious to me that
you are not in a very good mood.

Goodbye!

Vicar, huh.

Vicar?

(Soft music)

I'm terribly sorry I'm not interrupting am I?

I mean you weren't having a quick
prayer on anything were you?

No just a touching up a cherub.

I beg your pardon?

- I touch them all up occasionally.
- Oh I see.

It's the weather you know.

Glover, Patrick Glover.

I er I am.

I am a member of your flock but I haven't
been to church now for several weeks.

Yah.

But I do remember you as a choirboy.

As long ago as that was it?

I wondered if I might have a word with you?

(Vicar mumbles)

Mind you if it's not convenient.

- If it's a bad time.
- About quarter past 12.

- Thank you.

You see I have a bit of a
problem about my daughters.

People don't take care of their deceased
you know. Take Mr Pendergast

- Weed all over the grave.
- Did he really?

- Now about my daughters.
- Yes.

Birds don't seem to have
any respect nowadays.

Well that's part of my
problem really. Oh I see.

I'm afraid this is all rather
on the spur of the moment.

I mean normally I wouldn't
come within a 1000 miles.

What I mean is I, I have
a bit of a problem vicar.

- Er priest.
- I'm a father.

Yes so am I and that's my problem.

You see my daughters well, well they
haven't had a mother for several years.

I see your wife has gone to a better place.

Possibly it all depends on
what you feel about Chelsea.

- Chelsea?
- Yes she's living there with her husband.

Her other husband. Her new
husband you see we're divorced.

Oh make yourself comfortable.

- Pull up a chair.
- Thank you.

It was all very amicable.

Quite one of the friendliest
divorces you've ever known.

I'm afraid I have not conversed
with these matters Mr?

Glover, Patrick

Sit down Mr Glover.

You see none of my dear little
flock has strayed from their marital vows.

Quite, yes.

Well we thought it would be
best if the girls lived with me.

Till death do them, etc.

Until they finished that education actually.

But you see I've had to be
sort of mummy and daddy

to them both and well my, my
time as a writer is being taken up.

A writer you say?

Yes you see and the girls have
been growing away from me.

You're not the Patrick Glover by any chance?

- As a matter of fact I am.
- How interesting.

I've read all your books.

- I'm in the middle of one right now.
- Are you really?

Please, please.

I er I'm a writer myself you know.

- Really?
- Not in your field of course

but I have a little contribution
here to hither and yawn.

I would value your opinion on it.

You see, like the side.

Like the sides of missionary work.

I do trust I've not adopted to...

Not gone too far?

(Chuckling)

- Not too dowel?
- Oh no, no, no.

- No it's not funny at all.
- Yeah.

- Now about my daughters.
- Daughters?

Oh yeah of course, yes.

- How old are they?
- Well Karen is er

and Anna's a little older, 18-ish.

They do need a mother's guidance.

In the great disco tech of life they need

the gilded elder of maternal influence.

And of course the top 10.

- The what?
- Though shall not.

Ooh that top 10.

(Chuckling)

Yeah I think I see what you're getting at.

- You do?
- Yes.

- You think I should get married.
- I'd be the last suggest that.

You might think I was drumming up business.

(Chuckling)

Heaven forbid.

It does as a matter of fact if you're high.

- High?
- High church you know.

Oh I see.

So I can only commend unto you the
advice that Zaynab gave to the Malakites.

- Yes?
- Yes.

and one more thing.

- Yes?
- Before you go,

Can you

- autograph?
- Oh yeah.

- May I?
- Please.

- Oh sorry.
- Please!

Oh I can I wasn't quite sure with the...

- The high school script.
- Thank you.

Well I must say you been very helpful.

- Have I?
- Yes I can't think why I didn't think of it myself.

- Of course marry again.
- Again?

And you know I think I have
just the woman in mind.

I wonder may I borrow your telephone?

Mrs Stoppard.

Gladys!

- Would you like a cup of coffee?
- Ooh yes that would be lovely.

It's very civil of you.

There we are.

Keep the place nice.

(Coughing)

I'll have 4 lumps of sugar please

and I'll have some of them sweeteners.

- They're on my diet.
- Well you help yourself.

- I must catch the post.
- Right ho.

Ooh I say Custard creams.

I love them. I only allow myself one a day.

This'll take me up 2 weeks next Thursday.

(Telephone buzzes)

- Hello.
- It's me Patrick.

- Who?
- Patrick, Patrick Glover.

How many Patricks do you know?

Oh Mr Patrick Glover.

Well this is Mrs Stoppard, cleansing operative.

The last time you come here,
you tripped over my bucket.

I'm sorry about that.

Look I'll come straight to the point.

Well you, you know how
I've always felt about you.

Well I was wondering

will you marry me darling?

I realise that this is all a bit sudden.

You'll obviously want time to think it over.

So I tell you what I'll be around
in 20 minutes for your answer.

See you then. Bye.

Oh impetuous man.

Thought he'd never even noticed me.

Gladys are you alright?

That's why he tripped over my bucket.

He must've been bedazzled.

- Who?
- Mr Glover.

He's coming round in a minute.

I must go and make myself lovely for him.

(Coughing)

It's ridiculous £13 a week for a tiny flat.

- And they want F and F.
- They certainly do asking that price.

I've looked at dozens of places
and I can't afford any of them.

You don't supposed daddy
could be right, do you?

Certainly not.

and even if he is you keep looking kid.

There's one more to try.
Gotta ring back before 12.

- Patrick.
- Georgie darling.

Well I'm here. So what have you got to say?

Well I suppose the appropriate thing
to say would be hello Patrick.

- What's this?
- Oh yes.

Well it was a dozen red roses till I came
through the revolving door downstairs.

Still.

- You put them in my coffee cup.
- Oh!

Oh well it's the thought that counts.

Well Georgie

are you going to say yes?

To what?

(Chuckling)

Good old Georgie always playing hard to get.

Good old Patrick always playing hard to understand.

Mr Glover. Patrick.

You came.

Yes.

I knew you would. I've
been making myself beautiful.

You have?

Thinking over the last
tender word you spoke to me.

- Bloody bucket.
- I'm very confused.

- So am I.
- Mr Glover here.

Before I accept, before I acquiesce,

there is something I think you should know.

- Hmm?
- You wouldn't be the first.

- To what?
- Well I was just a slip of a girl

and I'll met this GI in the blackout.

I was blinded by a pair of nylons and a banana.

Say it doesn't matter to you.

It doesn't matter to me.

Look I've had a very harassing morning and
there are one or two things that I want...

- You do you want me don't you?
- Want you?

- I mean I will do.
- Do?

Oh I see you want to look after me.

- And you me as well.
- Well naturally but.

You won't find me lacking in anything.

I've cleaned up more mess than you could ever make.

Really.

And as for cooking, you never
tasted food like what I can cook.

I'm sure.

As for the other, well that GI taught
me a thing or two I can tell you.

Yes their very advanced
the Americans but Miss er?

- Gladys.
- Miss Gladys I'm afraid I'm accommodated.

Oh that's just middle age dear.
With a little help from your friend.

- No, no, no.

That's what I mean I got a little help

but not from a friend, from my nanny.

Your nanny, she must be getting
a bit past it by now isn't she?

Oh no, no she's very agile and capable.

- You mean you and her like together?

Well not together, no.

I'm usually sitting at my desk working
our plots while she does it on her own.

- Doesn't sound very satisfactory to me.
- Oh it works out alright.

Besides I'm afraid my resources won't stretch to two.

No well not sitting at your desk, no.

(Chuckles)

Still I'm determined not to let
another woman stand in my way.

- You must have wanted me...
- Gladys I do think you should let

Mr Glover make the decision

Yes, yes you're quite right.

Besides I did want to have a personal
and private conversation alone.

Are yeah you come in my cubby hole with me.

No, no, no, no I.

- I mean with her.
- Oh yes.

I see business before pleasure.

(Chuckles)

The other way around actually.
I'm asking her to marry me.

You're what?

You what?

I said so on the telephone not 20 minutes ago.

- Not to me.
- Well of course it was to you darling.

Well I mean if it wasn't to you,
who the hell else could it have...

Oh dear look I didn't mean it I assure you.

Cast me aside like an old sock, would you?

I'm not good enough for you hey?

Well let me tell you something I am not rubbish.

I'll may not be dressed in the height of fashion.

I may not be sought after by the Jet set.

Perhaps I haven't been photographed,

exchanging witty pleasantries with Lord
Snowden up Ascot but I'm not rubbish mate.

It's people like me what of
made Britain what it is today!

Yes I can well believe that.

And her you could take her to
your harem with your nanny

but don't ask me to make up a 4.

And you, you can find another
old bag to do your cleaning.

(Coughing)

Oh Mr Patrick and how was Miss Georgie?

Oh she was fine nanny, fine.

Trouble is she didn't say
yes and she didn't say no.

To what?

Well let’s just say that I've just sewn
the first seeds to making her a mother.

- You need a cup of tea.
- I need a drink.

Well I found one.

- Found what darling?
- A flat I can afford.

I can move in next Monday.

Well I hope you're pleased
one of your daughters is happy.

(Door slams shut)

Daddy seems to be taking it well.
I thought he'd try to stop you.

He did but I talked him round.

Steady Richard steady. Go easy, go easy.

That's fine, that's better, good.

It's alright sir I think you can let go now.

- I already have.
- Oh.

It's not much more stuff Karen.

Wait a minute.

Alright.

Richard the van's out here.

Oh.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

Alright.

Well all your bits and pieces are on the van

and now my little girl is ready to leave home.

- You're not going to cry, are you?
- Oh no, of course not.

It is quite a moment though, isn't it.

Sit down darling.

You know it's at moments like this when I
feel that there's lots of advice that perhaps

I should have given to you over the last 18 years.

- Perhaps I can best sum it up by saying..
- Don't drop them whatever you do.

Exactly.

What?

- Glass animals sir.
- Oh I see.

Yeah.

Now where was I?

I think you are all set to warn
me against premarital sex

and how without love it is but a hollow sham.

Yes, yes.

It doesn't seem much point now, does it.

(Glass breaks)

It's alright sir. I think
some of them are still intact.

I'm not very good as a removal man but
you know Karen insisted that I, Sorry.

Sorry.

Tuesday? What happened on Tuesday?

Nothing daddy.

(Soft music)

Darling why don't we drive
you to this new flat of yours?

No, no thanks I want to get it all fixed first.

Well I, I don't mind.

I do.

Yes but I mean Richard and
Karen are helping you why can't I?

Well they're not fathers.

Just give me a couple of days to settle in.

- Very well darling.
- Oh daddy.

We'll still see each other I won't be far away.

Oh no, no, no of course.

I mean, you're quite right.

This is a happy occasion. We
must've been sad about it.

I baked a little going away pie.

It's rhubarb.

You always used to like my (Sobbing)

Come along nanny, come along
now. Pull yourself together.

- Goodbye daddy.
- Goodbye my darling.

Bye darling.

I'm coming back.

Oh yes, yes.

Don't worry sir I'll see she gets that safely.

And don't forget a hollow sham.

Come on H G.

(Starter motor turns over)

- Isn't it quiet nanny?
- Yes it is.

(Van engine fires up)

Thus with her father for a certain
space dwelleth this flower.

I beg your pardon?

- The Clark's Tale nanny, Chaucer.
- Yes Mr Patrick.

- Now would you like a nice cup of tea?
- I feel so empty.

Would you like a slice of cake?

Food won't help.

Oh Mr Patrick you mustn't go on like that.

Life has to go on you know.

- Were you never a father nanny?
- No Mr Patrick.

Well there you are you see. You
don't feel things the way I do.

The song has ended but the melody lingers on.

Where is that sound of music?

- It's at the Odeon this week.
- Yes.

No I meant about the house nanny.

The laughter, the chatter, the gaiety it's all gone.

It's a times like this when I feel old
age and loneliness creeping over me.

She's only been gone 3 minutes.

(Soft music)

(Engine revs)

- I'll go on up.
- Right.

- Alright.
- Careful.

Over there.

How are we gonna get this box?

On the floor, on the floor.

- Right now which flat is it?
- It's up here Richard.

In here Richard.

Why couldn't you get a flat on the ground floor?

Well don't stand there. Put it down somewhere.

Oh Richard you are a clumsy twit.

Yes I am aren't I

Well I must say this flat,
you know it certainly er.

I'll go get the other stuff.

- Well what do you think?
- Hmm.

I can understand why you
didn't want daddy to see it.

What's in there?

- That's the kitchen.
- Kitchen!

And that's the dining room.

Oh blimey.

Well it's all I could afford.

You won't know this place when I finish with it.

- All it needs is.
- Demolition?

Don't be funny.

(Pipes rattle)

Blimey what's that?

- It's the downstairs loo.
- Oh great.

If someone in the house gets
the trots, you get insomnia.

I don't care.

It may not be Windsor castle,
but at least it's a place of my own.

(Doorbell buzzes)

Yes?

Sorry, what?

- You rang my doorbell.
- Oh I'm terribly sorry.

It must've been my chest.

You know not my chest, my,
my girlfriend's sister's chest.

- I'll give you a hand.
- Oh thanks very much it's on the top floor.

Oh.

Alright.

- Here.
- Thank you.

But you told daddy you'd found a luxury flat.

Well you know what he's
like. It was only a white lie.

And that is the worst kind.

Now this is the gentleman
from the ground floor flat.

Now this is Anna.

I'm Larry the token black tenant.

Hi this is Karen and Richard.
They're helping me move in.

This whole room just for you?

Man you could get 12 of my kind in here you know.

I must say, you've certainly
got a sense of humour.

- What's the landlord like?
- I don't know.

When him come in, I just limbo
to slide under the wardrobe.

Don't listen to him, he couldn't
limbo under the Marble Arch.

Hi I'm Anna I'm just moving in.

I'm Maggie has he been doing his
chocolate coloured goon act again?

- Something like that.
- Ignore it.

We live downstairs when you've
unpacked come and have a coffee.

- Thanks we will
- Come on you your watermelons getting cold.

Well hush my mouth.

Pierre LeBlanc examined the gun.

He scratched his nose, wiped it
carefully and put it in his pocket.

- Elevenses.
- Are thank you nanny.

- How's the writing coming along?
- Oh it's dreadful nanny, dreadful.

These last couple of days I've
had nothing but peace and quiet.

I can't stand it.
(Doorbell rings)

Noise, bliss, bliss.

His thoughts now turn to Fifi the belly dancer.

He wondered if she would
come across. She usually did.

LeBlanc now realised that he was alone in the room.

He glanced towards the door.

Slowly the door handle began to turn.

LeBlanc froze.

Then in a flash the door swung
open and there stood

- Mr Phillip
- Hello Patrick!

What did I say?

53 to 1 and it romped home.

Without a jockey it doesn't count.

Well then, fortunately not.

However it's still not too
late to recoup your losses.

- My losses?
- Our losses.

- Your losses.
- Alright well let's not pool about words.

Sorry.

The 3 o'clock at Trepsdale. Look Auntie Mae.

Auntie Mae!

If that's not a good omen I don't know what is.

We don't happen to have an Auntie Mae.

That is a defeatist attitude Patrick.

I'm just slipping round to Anna's daddy.

- Oh hello uncle Phillip.
- Hello niece.

She forgot to take Che Guevara.

I can't keep up with these pop singers.

Look when am I gonna be allowed to see Anna's flat.

Oh give her a chance daddy. She's
decorating like a mad thing.

And as soon as she's finished,
she's gonna ask you round to dinner.

- Bye.
- Bye

Alright but you know your mother's not
going to like this when she hears about it.

- So Anna's left home has she?
- Yes.

- And Barbara doesn't know.
- No.

Hmm shall we say 10 quid?

5.

Thank you.

As soon as you've done this bit I'll put this up.

This is ridiculous it'll never work.

Oh it was worth the try. The place
is beginning to look a bit better.

- Do you really think so?
- No I lied.

Have you seen anything of
your downstairs neighbours?

I was down there yesterday for coffee. They
got a super flat, fitted carpets, modern furniture.

They even bought their dry rot
from the Harrods, not like this dump.

Aren't you happy here? Do
you think you made a mistake?

- Shall I tell daddy?
- No I'm not.

Yes I did

and in answer to your 3rd question
I'll tell daddy when I'm ready.

You staying for lunch, it's sausages and beans.

In a white wash sauce? No thanks.

The bloated body of Niarcus
drifted upside down in.

Now pay attention H G don't let your mind wander.

In the slime of the canal a rat
swam past and nibbled at his.

(Phone rings)

Hello?

Have you ever thought of rubbing
your head with a boiled beetroot?

Hello mother. Oh no I haven't.

- Is there any reason why I should?
- It's an old country remedy.

You did say you lost all your hair
when I talked to you on the telephone.

Mother you've got hold of the wrong end of it.

Have I? Oh!

Hello, hello Patrick.

Hello, hello mother.

Mother?

It's no use I can't hear you that way.

Look darling I've got a full head of hair.

I can see it across the room.

Oh good then you did buy a wigwam.

Yes that's right mother.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh look mother darling the
front door bell is ringing.

I'd better go an answer it.

No, no. No mother. Mother look.

(doorbell rings again)

It's alright nanny I'll get it. It'll be Karen.

Alright you inside.

- Barbara hello.
- Hello Patrick.

- Is Bill with you?
- No he's not.

- Aren't you going to invite me in?
- Oh yes, yes of course.

Yes please do, yeah.

- I thought you two were in Nice.
- No, no Paris.

- On your card you said it was Nice.
- I said it was nice.

(Laughs)

We came back on Tuesday.

I'll take your suitcase. I
thought you meant Nice.

- Suitcase what are you doing with a suitcase?
- Well I thought you might put me up for a day or two.

- What?
- You see I've left Bill.

- What again?
- As a husband he's almost as bad as you were.

- Oh Miss Barbara.
- Oh nanny.

- I mean Mrs Mossman.
- Hello.

Just a minute, just a minute!

- What do you mean left him?
- Nanny I would love a cup of coffee.

Of course. Oh isn't this a surprise Mr Patrick.

Yes isn't it.

- I repeat what do you mean left him?
- We had a blazing row.

He broke your wedding present to us.

The Armalou clock but how?

He ducked when I threw it at him.

Hello H G.

- Never mind the retched dog.
- But anyway one thing led to another so I walked out.

- For good?
- Well that depends on him doesn't it?

I mean if he wants to come
crawling back. That's new.

- But you left him.
- Don't confuse the issue.

- Who gave you that?
- My agent.

- George.
- Georgie.

Oh yes of course she's a
woman isn't she. I always forget.

Yes lovely girl in the right light.

Now look here Barbara does
Bill know that you're here?

- No.
- Well then how can he come crawling back?

- Love will find a way.
- Oh my god.

This is the 3rd time you've left Bill.

The 1st time you went to your mother,
the 2nd time you went to his mother,

I appreciate you've run
out of mothers but why me?

- My children are here.
- Oh for heaven's sake.

Besides I didn't think you'd
mind just for a day or two.

Don't start crying for goodness sake.

After all it was your wedding
present that started it all.

I know.

- Mummy what a super surprise.
- Hello darling.

- Daddy didn't say you were coming.
- Daddy didn't know.

There we are. There shall I
take your suitcase upstairs?

You are staying?

- Well.
- Oh alright.

You can have Anna's room
now she's got her own flat.

- She's got what?
- Oh she's got a flat of her own. On her own.

- She moved in on Monday.
- Well Patrick is that wise I mean she's only 18.

What sort of a flat is it?

Well I mean it's a, it's a, it's a,
how would you describe it Karen?

Well it's a sort of um er...

You haven't even seen it.

(Mumbles words)

No. Coffee?

- I think it's your sister. Karen is it?
- Yes.

She sounds a bit excited.

I hope you didn't mind me
giving her your number.

- But you said I could.
- No that's okay.

Look I gotta catch the shops before they shut.
Shut the door when you finished.

Okay.

- Hello?
- Hello it's me.

Listen you've got troubles. Daddy's
on his way round to look at your flat.

- Oh no.
- Yes mummy insisted.

- She really had a go at him.
- Mummy?

- What's she doing there?
- She's left Uncle Bill again

and she's staying here for a few days.

But I can't let him see my flat.
He'll only say I told you so.

Alright well thanks for telling me.

Well I'll just have to...

To buy some somewhere else.

- Hello darling.
- Hello daddy.

- For you.
- Oh flowers.

Karen told me we lived on the 4th floor.

- Yes well you see
- I say this is nice.

This is very nice.

Yes it is.

- Yes you have done well for yourself.
- What?

Yes and your own telephone too.

I must make a note of the number before I go.

You don't mind me looking around do you?

- Liberty Hall.
- Liberty Hall.

Now then what's in here hey?

- The kitchen.
- The bathroom.

Oh this must be the kitchen then.

- Possibly.
- Possibly.

- Possibly you'd like a drink.
- Drink?

- You mean you've got drink in your flat?
- Not exactly what you call drink.

Just something for the odd visitor.

- Odd what's odd about your visitors?
- Nothing daddy.

It's in the kitchen.

Well I must say darling you
really, no wait a minute

that's the bathroom.

You don't know your way around your own flat.

No but I'm learning very fast daddy.

Yes. (chuckling)

Well I must say darling this really.

Oh I see you've thrown out your little chest.

- What?

- Your painted chest darling.
- Oh that.

Yes.

- The drink.
- Oh don't worry about that dear.

Here, here.

Oh dearie dear.

Well you know darling it is not the same
at home without you, not the same at all, no.

We all miss you very much.

I er I brought you a little present.

Something I thought you might like.

Oh it.

I'll put it there.

- It's one of my favourites.
- It's one of mine too daddy.

The eyes seem to follow you all round the room.

Yes.

Oh darling I am so pleased for you

and here was I all prepared to say

- There are two beds!
- Where?

- There.
- Oh yes.

- There are two beds.
- One there and one there.

Well there is an explanation

it's perfectly simple.

- I share it.
- Share what?

- The flat.
- Oh.

I couldn't possibly afford a place like this on my own,

so this friend and I we go half.

I see you share.

Oh well that's alright then.

My word your mother will be pleased.

I'm absolutely furious I
don't care how nice the flat is.

- She's not old enough to live on her own.
- She's not on her own.

She's sharing it. All young
girls do that these days.

I'm not talking about young girls.
I'm talking about our daughter.

- Well she's only 18.
- Exactly and living in a flat.

I mean anything could happen to her.

- Oh not to her.
- What do you mean not to her?

She's a very attractive girl.

No what I mean is. well I had a long
talk with her about sex when she was 13.

(Doorbell rings)

- Really?
- Yes.

- I learnt a lot of things I never knew.
- They I can believe.

(doorbell ringing)

- Who on earth is that?
- It can only be Karen's boyfriend.

I'll get it, it'll be Richard.

Now look Barbara.

(Doorbell continues ringing)

I'm terribly sorry I'm afraid
I've jammed the doorbell again.

It only does that when you come.

Karen look, Karen I've been thinking.

Perhaps this is not a good
moment to speak to your father.

Why not?

I've just run over his lawn sprinkler.

- What's he like then?
- Richard?

Oh he means well at least I hope he does.

Oh Mr Patrick dinner will be ready in 5 minutes.

Thank you nanny.

It's just like old times having
both of you here together again.

Go on.

Daddy Richard's got something to say to you.

- Oh.
- Yes

er I'd like a word with you sir.

- Good evening Miss.
- Good evening.

I'd like, I'd like a word with you sir.

Man to man.

- Barbara?
- Of course.

I'll go and help nanny with the dinner.

Yes it's about Karen sir. Your daughter.

I do know who Karen is Richard.

Good, good yes well it's
about me and er. Cigarette sir?

- Thank you very much.
- Here we go.

I've got a light here somewhere.

Richard, Richard you you've got my finger.

Sorry, sorry.

- Thank you.
- Alright.

I'm so sorry.

Just a little wheel.

There we are, alright.

- You see...
- No Richard.

Sorry!

Oh I'm sorry.

I didn't really want one actually thank you.

Well you see sir we've er. We've
been going out for some time

and er well she thought, I thought.

Well in fact that is we both thought.

- You're far too young.
- I haven't finished yet sir.

Get engaged. Yes we both thought we'd get engaged.

- Now you can say it sir.
- My dear Richard.

- Cigarette sir, here.
- No, no, no.

We've tried that Richard.

Now why do you want to get engaged?

Well it's er a way of getting
to know each other sir, better.

I mean er you wouldn't buy a motorbike
without first riding round the block first.

Well I fail to see the connection unless of course
you're planning to ride my daughter around the block.

No sir.

Why don't you sit down Richard.

I realise I'm not making a very good.

- Oh!
- Sorry.

I'm terribly sorry.

Sorry.

It's alright it's only the head

and I've broken it before.

Yes well perhaps another time sir,
when you're, when you're not so angry.

I'll raise the matter again.

- Richard the door opens inwards.
- Sorry.

Goodbye sir. I think that's yours, I believe.

- Well?
- He's thinking about it.

Oh brother.

Mr Patrick.

- There we are.
- Candles?

- Have the lights fused or something?
- I just thought it had been nicer without.

You always used to dine by candle light
when you were, when you were together.

- Now if you just sit there Miss Barbara.
- Thank you nanny.

And you here Mr Patrick.

Everything's ready.

The wine is chilled.

Karen's gone out so you won't be disturbed.

(Soft music plays)

(Laughter)

- The bloody woman's matchmaking.
- And she hasn't missed a trick.

Oysters. She even made me change.

- I suppose I'm expected to give you that.
- Oh I never knew you cared.

If she thinks we're falling for
anything as blatant as this.

It's ridiculous. Still I wish Bill could see me now

this really would make him jealous.

Don't say things like that. You know
what a violent temper he's got.

- He'll probably murder you.
- Exactly.

I mean what's he going to think
if he discovers you're here?

We'll he'd have to be pretty
nasty minded to think anything.

- Are good.
- Yes mind you Bill is pretty nasty minded.

All the same I don't like it. I mean
I don't want to break up his marriage.

- Why not he broke up yours?
- Yes that's very true.

- I'm sure he's got no reason to be jealous.
- Bill doesn't need a reason.

If he had his way I'd wear a chastity
belt to open the door to the milkman.

All the same I think.

Oh I say look at that.

Cupo de Grappa.

Do you remember when we first had that?

Is was at that tiny bistro just beside the venue.

And that little man playing his accordion.

You could see the moon shining
through the jasmine on the trellis.

The air was full of the scent of flowers.

I picked you a wild rose on the
way home. Do you remember?

You pricked yourself and got blood poisoning.

3 weeks in a Spanish hospital.

- I never did like that wine.
- Neither did I.

I'll get some Chablis.

(Soft music continues)

Hello nanny.

Oh Mr Mossman.

Where's Patrick? I must see Patrick.

Corks screw!

Are there he is.

- Hello Bill.
- Hello Patrick.

- Hello nanny.
- Hello Mr Patrick.

That'll be all nanny.

- She's left me.
- Who nanny?

- No, no Barbara.
- Barbara?

Barbara who? Oh Barbara left you.

She walked out, this morning.

- If it's another man I'll.
- Yes I'm sure you will.

- You don't know where she is then?
- No.

- Good I'll see you out.
- But I want to talk to you Patrick.

- I'll tell you what let's go upstairs.
- But why?

- Be quiet.
- I see.

We won't be overheard.

Here come in Bill. Come in.

- Now then why don't you sit down hey?
- Oh thank you Patrick.

- Glasses, glasses.
- Oh here they are Patrick.

Oh no, no for the wine old boy.

Oh silly me.

You see.

There, there.

There we are, now then you er,

you said, you said you wanted to talk to me did you?

- I did?
- Hmm.

What about?

- Well I don't know.
- Oh yes.

I remember.

- I thought, I thought you and I might go out tonight.
- To look for Barbara hey?

Barbara oh let her stew for a bit.

- Shush!
- Oh strow

Oh Strow

Now I thought you and
I might go out tonight,

you know pick up a couple of bits of stuff.

Well that's hardly the way for a
married man to behave you know.

- But you're not married!
- No but you are.

I mean think of Barbara our wife. Your wife.

Barbara oh lovely woman.

She's left me you know.
Woke up this morning.

- Probably gone off with another man.
- Oh come, come, come.

If I get ahold of him I'll ring his bloody neck.

- He could be quite a nice fellow you know.
- We'll I ring her bloody neck.

Barbara wouldn't do a thing like that
and I mean she's a one man woman.

Always was.

- How do you mean?
- Well I mean she's a one man woman to me

and now she's a one man woman to you.

But that's 2 men.

- Yes but only one at a time.
- Oh yes I see what you mean.

Oh Patrick, Patrick.

- There's a barmaid at the Jack and Tuppence.
- No, no not tonight I gotta

Bill, Bill look, listen.

(Bill squeals with delight)

Shush!

What are we whispering for?

- You see it isn't convenient.
- Not convenient?

- I've got an appointment you see.
- You mean got a bit of hey?

Yes.

(Laughs)

- What's she like?
- She's very like, you'd like her.

- Let's have a peak.
- No, no, no.

She hasn't got any, I mean she's all.

Old devil how about Friday hey?

- That's my usual night.
- Well if it's convenient I'll let you know.

(Bill laughs again)

Shall I give a tuppence, no I've got...

What you win this for hey? Wrestling!

(More laughter)

- Did I hear Bill's voice?
- You did.

Yes it was the yippee that gave him away.

- Did he know I was here?
- No he didn't

and I didn't tell him not
in the mood he was in.

- He was upset.
- Well let me put it this way.

I very much doubt if he'll sleep a wink tonight.

Barbara no Barbara don't.

(Chuckles)

No Barbara remember Bill.

Remember Georgie, Barbara.

Barbara dearie are.

H G really!

Oh!

I told you eat your bones in the garden.

Argh!

Oh dear.

I told H G not to eat his bones in the garden.

♪ Early one morning ♪

♪ Just as the sun was rising ♪

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Sleep well?
- So, so.

I didn't like the mattress
in Anna's room very much.

- What was that?
- Oh Barbara.

Mascutint the hair colorizer for the he man.

Doesn't seem to be working.

I've only just started drinking it.

Do you mind?

- What was wrong with the mattress anyway?
- Too hard.

Oh I thought you liked a hard mattress.

Always used to tell
(Barbara gargles)

Oh my god I'd forgotten about that gargle.

I used to like the mattress in
or old room it was nice and soft.

Yes I happen to be sleeping in that one.

- We could hardly share, could we?
- I don't see why not.

Wouldn't be the first time we'd slept
in a bed without any hanky panky.

Very possibly but you might have gained
a certain novelty appeal since those days.

- How'd you mean?
- I mean a man doesn't want beans for every meal.

But when he hasn't had them for 7 years.

Beans?

Well he may have had beans
but not that particular variety.

I've put, oh my god what the hell?

- Eau de Madam Bovary?
- It's mine.

Patrick I've been thinking.

- This girl that Anna's sharing her flat with?
- Yeah?

- What's she like?
- I don't know.

- Well you should.
- Should I?

- Yes so should I.
- Should you?

- I may have been just a little bit unreasonable.
- Oh surely not.

- No, no I was.

Now I think you ought to ask them both to
dinner and then we can see what she's like.

That's actually a good idea. I'll
give her a ring after breakfast.

After all you do amaze me, you know Barbara.

Sometimes you've good ideas.

- What are you doing?
- I'm not gonna get in the bath with my clothes on.

- You can't take your clothes off with me in here.
- But I haven't got anything you haven't seen before.

Yes but it's not mine anymore, is it?

I mean supposing Bill would.

No I don't like it. I don't like that at all.

I think the whole thing and I think you'd
better lock this door behind me too.

- Are you alright daddy?
- Yes thank you.

Oh good job your readers can't see you now.
The image is taken a bit of a knocking.

Well really!

But you must know who it is. Look at it.

To my own little darling.

For the 10th time I've never
seen it before. It's not mine.

I hope you're not suggesting it's mine.

Look when I came in it was standing there!

The eyes following me around the room.

(Phone rings)

- Hello?
- Oh hello darling it's me.

- I beg your pardon?
- I was wondering.

Oh so sorry I think I must have the wrong number.

I wanted 436-2375.

- That's right this is it.
- It is?

- 23 Belsize Park Avenue. Ground floor flat.
- Yes.

- Who are you?
- Well never mind about me.

Who are you and what are you doing there?

Look I live here man.

What?

What do you want? Hello!

- Is something the matter Mr Patrick?
- There certainly is nanny

Anna's flatmate, it's a man!

Oh I can't believe it.

Perhaps it was a girl with
a deep masculine voice.

No, no, no it wasn't nanny.
I wouldn't have minded that.

Yes I would.

Nanny I've got to do something about this.

A man rings up, right
number, right address.

Says hello darling it's me.

As soon as I answer the phone he
rings off. I'm not a fool you know.

I've told you a dozen times I don't know.

Was it him? Was it?

How should I know who it was.
You answered the phone.

- What does he got that I haven't got?
- Oh get back to your wood pile.

- Don't change the subject.
- You are impossible.

You can believe what you like.
I'm going to have a bath.

Look why is it every time we have
an argument, you have to have a bath?

(Doorbell buzzes)

- Yes?
- Oh good morning.

- Are you the caretaker or do you just work here?
- Neither.

I wonder if I could come in for a moment please.

Wait a minute.

- It's you?
- Yes that's right.

It's quite a good one of me but I
have had better ones taken though.

I wonder if you'd be good enough to call
the owner I have a few words to say to him.

- I am the owner.
- You live here?

- Yes.
- It was you one the telephone.

Yes.

Well that puts a different
colour on the whole affair.

Where is she?

Having a bath if it's any of your business.

It is I've come to take her away.

Have you, how would you like a fat lip?

Now look here young man. I don't know
how they behave where you come from.

Hammersmith same as here.

Don't prevaricate. She's
coming back to live with me.

Coming back and live with you. You dirty old man!

- I beg your pardon?
- You're old enough to be her father.

- I am her father.
- You're her father?

- Yes.
- That means she's your daughter.

I congratulate you on
your powers of deduction.

Oy!

I didn't know you had a touch
of the white wash brush.

Oh I'm sorry please. We haven't really met.

- I'm Larry.
- How'd you do I'm Patrick.

- Now will you please stick to the point.
- Well forgive me

but you must admit you don't look like a banana loader.

- Is there any reason why I should?
- I suppose not.

Then why mention it?

The point is you are living here in this
flat with my daughter and it's got to stop.

- Why?
- Because it is wrong.

- But we're married.
- That is the most feeble ex...

Married?

Yes you know, vicar, confetti,
organ, dum dum dee dum.

- Yes I do know the ritual.
- You couldn't come because you're in jail in Jamaica.

- She told you that?
- Yes rum smuggling or something.

My god come out of there young lady.

You've got some explaining to do.

Oh please we've got to get to
know each other, haven't we dad?

Dad oh my god.

Come out of there at once. Do you hear me?

Now look here a good smack on your
bottom will do. Why I do beg your pardon.

- Is there someone else in there with you?
- No!

- Wait a minute you're the man in the photograph.
- Yes, yes.

- Well aren't you pleased to see him?
- Pleased to see him?

- What have you been telling him?
- Nothing.

- You said she was your daughter.
- She's not my daughter.

- And he's not my father.
- Are you sure?

- Well I should know.
- She should know.

- He's twice my father's age.
- Exactly.

- I beg you're pardon?
- And look at the colour of him.

- How dare you.

- You dirty old man.

No look you've got the wrong end
of the stick. I just wanted a woman.

- What?
- No, no, no.

I thought that'd be a girl
here who could help me.

Oh no you've got it all wrong.

You see I, I just made a simple mistake.

- It often happens.
- Daddy.

I think there's something you should know.

There you are you see. Wrong flat.

Could I have my photograph back?

(Birds chirping)

So much for your brief fling of independence.

- Belt up.
- Yeah that's enough.

That's enough.

Help take these things indoors

and as for you young lady.

- Oh daddy it's great to be home.
- What?

I didn't like white washed sausages anyway.

Oh.

Still think he ought to have given
me my photograph back though.

Well she's home for good now nanny.

- What a day I've had.
- You've got a visitor.

Oh.

- Hello Patrick.
- Bill good grief.

Ha hah hello.

- Where's?
- Out shopping.

Our nanny's just going out shopping.

Well, well, did you have a good time last night?

- Yes did you?
- Lovely, lovely.

Was she?

(Laughs)

Well done old chap.

Anyhow I got to talking to this
barmaid and the Jack and Tuppence.

- Just over 40, I should think.
- 40!

- If she was an inch.
- Oh!

- The thing is there were 2 of them.
- Well there would be, wouldn't there...

- No, no 2 women.
- Oh!

She's got a friend now Patrick. I thought you
and I tonight might make up a foursome hey?

I do really think you ought
to give the girls. Oh it's you.

- Barbara!
- Yes it's Barbara.

Barbara is Barbara. She was just passing.

- Well what have you got to say for yourself?
- He's been saying how much he misses you.

- Has he?
- Yes and Barbara misses you too Bill.

She said to her last night.

- Last night?
- Yes.

- So she was your appointment.
- Yes.

- With nothing on.
- Oh no, no.

Are you trying to tell me that
you slept with Barbara last night?

Yes I mean no.

- You mean she was here but you didn't sleep?
- Yes.

No I mean no. Bill you wouldn't hit
a man who can't find his glasses?

- Don't be silly you two.
- Nothing absolutely nothing happened.

I don't believe it Barbara is a highly
desirable woman whom I happen to love.

- Oh Bill.
- Shut up!

And you tell me that nothing happened.

No Bill I should warn you I'm not afraid to scream.

Will you stop chasing me around?

Now look here, now look here I
don't want to come between you two.

I mean I think you're ideally suited.

I know that you're, I know
that you both got your faults.

- And what exactly do you mean by that?
- What do you mean by that?

Well about Barbara she's untidy and extravagant.
Bill he's got a violent temper and the morals of a cat.

How dare you criticise my husband like that.

He may be a lecherous good
for nothing but he means well.

Thank you dear

and what do you mean Barbara
is an untidy slut, so what?

- It's no concern of yours.
- None at all.

- You keep your nose out of our affairs.
- I quite agree.

Come and help me pack.

- And you mind your own damn business.
- I quite agree.

Yes er

Well I'm glad I managed to sort that out nanny.

Are well.

You know these last 2 days have
reminded me of what married life is like

and now I see what it's
like, I thank God I'm single.

(Phone rings)

- Hello?
- Patrick.

- I've come to a decision.
- You have?

I've decided I will marry you.

- Your will?
- Well that's what you want, isn't it?

- Yes.
- Mind you, you have advantage over me.

- Have I?
- You know what married life is like.

- Thanks for keeping my bed warm mummy.
- My pleasure darling.

- Anybody doing anything on the 24th?
- Why?

Nothing I'm getting married that's all.

Married! (In unison)

Sorry.

Richard.

- 24th?
- I think you'll find it's next Saturday.

Yes I might just be able to after
Mr Robinson and Miss Peeles.

- The happiest day of their lives too.
- Not all together.

I'm burying them.

So you want me to marry you?

To him that is.

(Giggles)

You see we were wondering whether
the divorce would present any problems.

Let's get you married first.

No, no I was married to another woman.

- You remember?
- Oh yeah.

Tricky, tricky.

The powers that be do not approve of
divorced people being remarried in church.

- Oh.
- Well it'll have to be a registry office then.

I'm sorry I did once write a
sermon on this very subject.

Perhaps as a writer you'd like to see it?

Oh well it's hardly my field actually. But
actually Miss Thompson here might be interested.

She's a literary agent.

A literary agent!

I should explain that it is up to the bishop
to approve of a divorcee remarried in church.

But our bishop is very accommodating.

Now I have inside some collected sermons
of mine which should make a best seller.

The God Father's done very well,
so it shows religion is on the up and up.

Now I have assembled them separately...

It's going to be a very quiet, small wedding nanny.

Very small.

- In fact I doubt I shall even be there myself.
- Oh Mr Patrick.

Well I mean 11 o'clock in the morning the whole ceremony will be drowned by the dawn chorus.

I'm not surprised half the guests said
they could only come to the reception.

However let's see mother she'll be in
the church and so will Bill and Barbara.

- Phillip oh he won't be there.
- Oh dear.

Uncle, oh Georgie's Uncle
Arthur he'll be there.

- Yes he's giving her away.
- Oh that's a lovely ring.

Yes it is nice isn't it nanny.
Georgie chose it herself of course.

She's got a very small. Oh hell I've got it stuck.

- I think I'll wear these for the wedding tomorrow.
- That would be lovely darling.

- Nanny!
- Oh I'm sorry Mr Patrick

I'll get some butter.

It's all very exciting I wasn't at your first wedding.

Of course you weren't. You
weren't even born darling.

- Were you? No, no, no of course you weren't.
- Daddy.

That dog next door has wee wees on the...

Karen now I'm glad your here.

Look I want a word with you
two girls. Will you sit down?

Now look when Georgie comes to live here
I want you to look upon her as your mother.

- We've already got a mother.
- Well you can have another one living in.

- Here we are.
- Are thank you nanny.

- It's unsalted.
- Oh good nanny.

I'm glad about that. That'll make
all the difference in the world.

Well I think the whole thing's unfair.

If you're not too old to get
married and I'm not too young.

Karen. Nanny that hurts.

I'm 17 and Richard's 22.

So together that makes
us nearly 40, as old as you.

Flattery will get you nowhere.

Woh!

Butter fingers.

(Laughs loudly)

Butter fingers.

I'll be a shrivelled old spinster and
you'll be plunging in for the 2nd time.

Plunging in you don't imagine I
want to get married again do you?

I'm only doing it for your sakes.

- Us?
- Us?

- Yes us, you's.

You.

I see so you don't love Georgie. You never have.

- Oh yes I have.
- I'll put the kettle on.

I'm very fond of Georgie I always have been.

- She's a brick.
- You can't marry a brick.

Poor Georgie you're just using her.

It, it's immoral.

- Now Karen.
- Well I don't approve.

Oh I see so you don't approve young lady.

Well that's very interesting isn't it?

Yes very interesting

and what exactly do you intend to do about it?

I got it stuck again. Nanny more butter!

(Romantic music)

Karen?

- Karen?
- Richard.

Not that room it's daddy's.

(More romantic music)

Richard be quiet.

Be quick.

Why couldn't you have walked out
the front door like everybody else?

Oh don't be so unromantic.

Careful.

(Romantic music continues)

Be careful, careful. Don't look down.

Couldn't you have climbed
out the ground floor window?

Oh stop moaning.

- Do you love me or don't you?
- Of course I do.

- Well show it then.
- I'm halfway up a ladder.

Karen, Karen I can't see.

Oh be quiet.

(Yelps)

Oh Richard do be quiet.

Oh not now.

You're right. Well Gretna Green here we come.

(Starter motor turns)

Must, must be the clutch or something.

(Engine fails to fire)

Open up the bonnet.

Try it now.

(Engine turns but fails to fire)

- Try it now.
- Huh?

- Try it now.

(Engine still won't fire)

Turn it off, turn it off.

- What are you doing young man?
- Oh er

I'm, the car won't start sir.

- Good morning.
- Just a minute I'm coming down.

- He said he's coming down.
- Get rid of the ladder!

Not that side daddy'll see it.

(Groans)

Get down.

Do you know what the time is?

Er 10 to 7 sir.

AM.

Thank you very much Richard.

May I ask what are you doing here at 10 to 7AM?

Well you know I was passing by and I
thought I'd pop in to see to see Karen

and I realised it's far too early so er

I'll go.

That's the first sensible thing I've heard you say.

- Thank you very much sir.
- Don't mention it.

- But the engine won't start sir.
- Hmm?

Well no wonder.

The high tension lead from the
distributors come adrift at the coil.

Right.

Here look that should be there like that.

- Now, now try it now.
- Thank you very much sir.

Sorry.

(Engine fires up)

That's fantastic, that's fantastic sir.

You're a mechanical genius sir.

Look next time you're passing try
and make it a little later will you?

- Yes sir, thank you sir.
- There.

(Milk bottle shatters)

Morning milkman.

Got another rung up the ladder?

(Laughs)

Nanny, nanny cufflinks where are my cufflinks?

- They're in your cuffs Mr Patrick.
- What a damn silly place to put cufflinks.

- Hello dear.
- Oh mother darling.

Oh so you got the train alright did you?

Yes dear but I shall have to
complaint to the railway company.

Oh really why?

I booked a seat facing the engine and
when I got to the station there wasn't one.

- No seat?
- No engine.

Oh.

Nanny would you go and chase Karen up?

If I know anything about her
she's probably still in bed.

- Hello granny.
- Oh my darling.

I don't know what you were so worried
about Patrick. It looks very nice.

- Oh what does mother?
- Your teepee.

Yes, yes

See who that is will you darling?

Well.

I'll get it nan.

You'd better put this with
the other presents dear.

- It's a family heirloom.
- Mother you shouldn't have.

What is it?

(Cuckoo clock cuckoos)

Don't bother I think I can guess.

Oh you know Bill and Barbara of course.

- Hello.
- I'm so glad you could make it.

Oh I didn't make it. It's a family heirloom.

- No the, the.
- Oh.

- I'll go and put it with the others.
- I'm afraid the minute hand is rather fast.

But it doesn't matter because
the hour hand is rather slow.

Well that's a bit of luck.

Patrick I do hope this outfit's alright.

I mean I was sure that Georgie
wouldn't be wearing white.

- Barbara.
- I think you look super mummy.

Thank you darling.

- Let me have the ring after all I am the best man.
- There we are.

- It's got butter on it.
- Don't be silly darling.

Unsalted.

Oh Mr Patrick, Mr Patrick Karen isn't in her room

and she left a note.

Note?

Oh my god Karen and her boyfriend,
they've eloped to Gretna Green.

- What?
- Eloped?

And I helped him start the car!

Try it now.

(Starter motor whirrs)

- I don't know what it could be.
- Oh well try the carburettor.

Right.

Sorry which of it is the carburettor?

Oh brother. Some elopement.

3 hours and we've only come half a mile.

I'm starving.

Well it's not my fault, is it?

By the time we get to get to Gretna
Green I'll be over 18 anyway.

- One's come home now the other one's gone.
- My poor little girl.

She's out there somewhere lost in the snow.

- But it's not snowing.
- At a time like this you give me weather reports.

Oh my baby.

I remember the first word she ever uttered.

She came toddling through that door.

Her chubby little arms outstretched
and she said Dada, dada.

- To the milkman.
- It's all your fault.

You must've driven her to this.

I haven't done a thing I may
have just wagged a finger.

- You brute.
- Barbara now look here.

I am her father too you
know. Half of her is mine.

- But you've lost my half as well.
- She has eloped.

To Golder's Green.

-I've got the automobile association for you Patrick.

Thank you Sandwich

Hello AA.

Look I want you to put up road
blocks on the A1, the M1, the A6.

What?.

Well blackboards then every half
mile with a message written on it.

Have you got a pencil?

No that's not the message.

The message is Karen come home.

All is forgiven, father.

Every half mile.

What?

No, no I'm not a member I
resigned when you stopped saluting.

Hello, hello!

Well really.

I'll just go and see if Georgie's arrived.

What am I gonna do about Karen I'm so worried.

I telephoned the police, the fire brigade.

- What you think she might be on fire?
- The Scottish Embassy.

That's it I'll telephone them.

Well, well the return of the prodigal twit.

What happened?

Oh don't ask. Has daddy found my note yet?

Yes.

I'd better go and tell him you're back.

He'll beat the living daylights out of you.

- Why?
- Because he loves you and he's been worried.

Oh blimey.

- And he's all set to cancel his wedding.
- Well I can't go in there and face him now.

I'll tell you what to do.

The main thing is, you mustn't
let him know you're back yet.

- Okay?
- Yes.

And listen what you should do is
(Whispering).

This is ridiculous the Scottish
embassy isn't even listed.

Oh take it easy Patrick. Try and relax.

Relax, how can I relax?

You do realise that this note could be a forgery.

She may well be in the hands of the mafia.

I doubt it I'm sure the mafia
can spell better than this.

- I'm going to telephone the police.
- No at least let's wait for a moment.

Why?

Well I've got this feeling that Karen
might possibly want to telephone us

to say that she's alright and is coming home soon.

Feeling, we can't rely on a feeling.

(Phone rings)

- Hello?
- Daddy it's Karen.

- I'm alright and I'm coming home soon.
- Karen.

There you are. Where are you?

Ah well, actually I'm in the
hall of somebody's house.

Who's house, where is it?

Well I can't really say, you see
because the man who owns it,

well he's got this terrible crabby temper, see.

- You mean you're not with Richard then?
- No.

But you are with a man?

- Darling what sort of a man?
- Oh he's harmless enough mummy.

- He's ever so old and wrinkled.
- But darling they're the worst sort.

- I mean look at your father.
- Karen.

- Look daddy I am sorry about all this.
- No darling it was all my fault.

- No it wasn't.
- Yes it was.

- It wasn't.
- Yes it was.

No.

Will you stop interrupting
while I'm interrupting?

Now look Karen darling at least
tell me which town are you in?

Umm well actually I'm a, in a,

Ooh!

- I'm in schtuck.
- She's in Schtuck.

- Look it up on the map.
- Schtuck?

Probably Poland.

What a lovely surprise.

-Now look Karen darling just stay where you are.

I will arrange for a plane to.

Was that nanny's voice I heard just then?

Er yes.

- She's there with you in Schtuck?
- Yes.

- Put her on.
- Daddy wants to talk to you.

To me?

- Hello.
- Nanny how on earth did you get there?

- Well I, I walked.
- Walked?

It's impossible.

I think you better speak to him dear.

- Look daddy I can explain everything.
- Yes darling I'm sure you can.

But what I want to know is how
on earth did nanny manage to get?

Alright nanny I'll be with you in a minute.

How did nanny manage to get to the...

Nanny?

Oh look Karen darling, stay where you are.

I'm sure it isn't very far away

and I'm looking forward to seeing you.

If I hurry I should be home
in time for the wedding.

Yes I'm sure you will.

And everything's alright and you're not to worry.

And no it isn't because you're
right behind me, aren't you?

- Yes I am.
- And you're not very pleased are you?

No I'm not.

You're probably thinking I'm not
too big to have my bottom smacked?

Exactly, goodbye.

Goodbye.

In there young lady.

Now look darling I don't want you
to blame your father for all this.

- I don't.
- Don't you, well I do.

Barbara.

Darling you were just upset because
he was getting married and you weren't.

Look I'm only doing it for their sake.

Miss Georgie.

Everything's alright. She's back home again.

What a relief.

Oh nanny this is my Uncle
Arthur who's giving me away.

How do you do?

You surely don't think I want to get married.

I'm only marrying Georgie to
provide them with a mother.

I mean the whole idea.

Hello Georgie, the whole idea.

Georgie!

- Hello Patrick.
- Yes hello.

Good Lord is that the time?

- We must be going.
- Patrick I think you and I should share a car.

- We have one or two things to discuss.
- Well I probably.

Patrick I found Spitz but there's no...

What else have we today?

After the Glover wedding
you've got the unmarried mothers.

I thought you were responsible for them?

But I do want to get married don't you?

Well of course I do.

- I cancelled a dental appointment for this.
- Exactly.

But just because I'm keen it doesn't mean
to say you would have to go through with it

- if you're not keen.
- What does that mean?

Driver don't stop drive around the Green.

- Georgie.
- Patrick admit it.

You've got cold feet.

Well perhaps I have but I'll keep
them on the far side of the bed.

Yes.

Yes but are you keen?

Well of course I am keen.

But are you?

Well of course I am.

I tossed a coin and I'll stand by it.

You tossed a. Driver round the green again.

It's a long way to this church.

That's a bit callous.

Not at all I've had my hair done specially.

Besides there's the question of all
those lovely presents we've been given.

Exactly

and I've already tipped the organist.

Driver I think we'd better.

No, no we were going to tell you to stop.

This is ridiculous.

If we keep going around like this we
will disappear up our own exhaust pipe.

- How about tossing another coin?
- Georgie.

We must decide this like
mature, responsible adults.

Now eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

We haven't got time.

Really Patrick we should make up our minds.

No.

Patrick I think it's time we're in position

and it's very bad luck to talk
to your bride before the service.

How should I know I've only done it once before.

Oh come on.

Come along you.

Nothing absolutely nothing.

Oh belt up for heaven's sake.

You're probably right I'll manage.

Are they're here.

This is ridiculous.

A man in this situation should
be given time to think.

Do it first think about it later.

(Organ plays music)

- What's the matter with you Patrick?
- I've just feel a little bit nervous that's all.

Are so was I.

I say would you like to have a,
you know while there's still time?

This is quite a fault.

- Didn't happen to notice where it is?
- Well you see the fount.

I couldn't old boy it wouldn't be right.

No, no, no next to it is a door.

Oh yes.

Wait here comes the firing squad.

Stiff upper lip old son.

Yes.

Lie back and think of old England.

Mother wrong side!

Would you believe?

(Organ music continues)

(Organist stops playing)

Dearly beloved.

We are gathered here in this
place and in face of this congregation

to join together this man and
this woman in holy matrimony.

Which is an honourable state and is...

Were doing the right thing aren't we?

The honourable among all men

and therefore is not by any to be enterprised

- Not by any hand...
- We had such a nice relationship before.

Georgie.

But reverently,

discretely, advisedly, soberly.

You know I think you could be right.

For which matrimony was your name.

Therefore if any man can see any just cause
why they may not be lawfully joined together,

let him now speak or else
hear after forever hold his peace.

Nobody they've deserted us.

Patrick Goldsworthy

Sitwell Glover.

Goldsworthy Sitwell?

His father was very widely read.

Oh.

Will thou love her, comfort her, honour
and keep her in sickness and in health,

and forsaking all other keep thee only
unto her so long as thee both shall live?

Actually we're just discussing it.

Splendid.

Georgina Thompson wilt though
have this man to thy wedded husband,

to live together in sickness and in health,
forsaking all others keep thee only unto him,

so long as you both shall live?

No thank you.

Who giveth this woman
to be married to this man?

Nobody does. Look vicar we've
changed our minds haven't we?

Er yes.

Will you take her right hand and repeat after me?

Look, vicar, vicar!

- I Patrick.
- Vicar,vicar.

Sitwell Glover.

(Van engine roaring)

(Bells tolling)

Congratulation.

Congratulations.

- Richard.
- Yes.

We didn't get married.

(Upbeat funky music)

(Guests chatter)

- Oh not yet dear.
- But Richard hasn't had any breakfast.

Oh alright then.

(Loud sound of chatter)

Speech, speech!

Speech!

Quiet everybody

Quiet!

- Is it alright?
- I'd rather have had eggs and bacon.

Karen, Richard quiet.

Sorry sir.

Well ladies and gentlemen on these occasions,

it's customary for the groom to
say a few words, during which he,

he would thank the bridesmaids
and the bride's parents.

Well we never had any bridesmaids today
and Georgie's never had any parents.

I mean I haven't got any parents.

So really all I want to do is to thank those of you

who came along to the church and the rest of you
who could have they come to the reception.

And also Georgie and I would like to thank you all

very, very much for the beautiful
wedding presents that you've given us.

So now if you would identify them we would
be very happy to give them all back to you.

Come along nanny. Now which is the first one?

- Who gave us the toaster hey?
- Mr and Mrs Mossman.

Oh.

If I knew I was getting it back,
I would've bought something decent.

Serves you right.

Now then who gave us this beautiful lamp?

That is yours daddy.

Oh so it is.

(Laughter)

Now who gave us this?
(cookooing)

Don't tell me I can guess.

- There we are darling.
- No dear it's your wedding, not mine.

It's a family heirloom.

Come along everybody I think it's much
better if you collect them yourselves.

Remember you must only take your own though.

Don't take other people's.

(Guests chatter and doorbell rings)

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

It's £2.70 this week.

Oh it's a sort of cancelled wedding reception.

Oh yes that's nice.

(Poop)

Nanny must be a good party.

- Here we are you two.
- Oh thank you.

I'm sorry sir about the.

Oh that's alright. Let bygones be bygones hey.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

(Glasses shatter)

Oh I'm sorry.

Oh I'm sorry.

Richard!

Sorry I'm late Patrick. Got
held up by a photo finish.

Just a little something. Look.
stirling silver cutlery.

I've paid the deposit. You make the
rest of the payments to this address.

- Phillip.
- And er congratulations.

Well actually we changed our
minds. We didn't get married.

You didn't. Congratulations.

Barbara!

- Georgie.
- Hmm?

I've already booked the honeymoon.

Seems a pity to waste it.

Do you mind?

(Romantic music plays)