Father Christmas Is Back (2021) - full transcript

Peter! Peter!

Peter!

Peter!

Hello, dear.

Look.

Look, I know you love Christmas,
but there's no need to shag the tree.

It was perfect!

I thought we were gonna decorate the tree
together with the children.

I don't want
their toilet roll decorations.

-It has to be exquisite.
-Yes.

Anything broken, dear?



Let me help you.

For once, I just want this family
to have a perfect Christmas.

Do you know
what would be perfect, darling?

The Bahamas.

You, me, the kids, piña coladas.

Don't be a fool, Peter.
We can't take Mummy to the Bahamas.

And what would I do about my sisters?

We'll leave the key under the mat.
They'll be fine.

There's so much to do.

I have to collect the wreath,
pick up the kids.

Get a new loo brush.
Mum's had irritable bowel.

Mm.

- Redo the tree, obviously.

And I need to get the presents
to the Nightingale Lodge.



Of course you do, dear.

-Well?
-And the presents are?

-Upstairs in the bedroom.
-Which one, dear? We have many.

-Ours.
-Ours?

Well, I suppose that's progress.

Caroline, darling, which bag is it?

Family on the left.
Nightingale on the right.

Right.

Darling, my right or bed right?

For goodness' sake, Peter!

Right. Right.

Right.

- Happy Christmas!
-Thank you. Merry Christmas!

Look, Daisey, it's Mum!

I'm sorry.
I'm here. I'm sorry I'm late.

-It's Mum!
- Come on, kids.

-Thank you.
-It's all right.

Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.
-Bye.

Come on then, kids. So, how was the party?

Eliza's getting a bra for Christmas.

Awesome. Lucky Eliza.

And how about you? Did you manage to get
any chocolate in your mouth?

-He's eaten ten pieces.
- Oh.

I don't want to play Mary.
It's too much pressure.

But it's the lead.
You're not a supporting actress.

-What do you want to be? A sheep?
-I have to sing.

Well, well, well.
If it isn't the Virgin Mary.

Oh, Alan.

Not you.

Oh yes. Sorry, we're late.

Caroline Christmas-Hope,
a lady like you is never late.

She arrives precisely when she means to.

Charmer.
Where would you like the presents?

Under the tree, of course.

- Oh, thank you.
-Come on, kids.

Oh, Marie!

Not Marie. Caroline!

-Hello, everybody. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

Edna, dear. You're wearing odd shoes.

She's got another pair just like it.

Are you looking forward
to the nativity play?

-Daisey's playing the Virgin Mary.
- Mum!

I played the Virgin Mary
at the National Theatre.

My God, the people I slept with
to get the part!

Bye, everyone.

Run.

Right, everybody out.

There we go. Oh, hang on.

Right. There.

Come on. Chop-chop.

Okay, got everything? Bags?
Good. Great. In we go. There we go.

Come on. In we go.

To the right. To the right. This way.

Hey, kids!

I thought we could finish this together.

Oh, Peter!

Why don't we just stick this
on top of the tree?

-You know, that's a pretty good idea.
-Yeah.

-It is, isn't it? It's a good idea.
-Yeah.

Come with me.

That's too much.

Yeah.

Do you remember last time?
We put it all over the place.

-Do you remember that?
-I can make the best mince pies.

It was funny though.

-Aha!

-What are we doing?
-Mince pies.

That looks amazing. Well done.

Look at this mess.

Mum, when's Grandma coming?

Tomorrow, darling.

You're not going to fight
with Auntie Joanna, are you?

Course not, darling.

It's Christmas.

-Can you hold that?
-I will.

Thank you.

Hello, Mummy.
Everything's going really well.

This is going to be
the best Christmas ever.

-It doesn't have to be perfect, darling.
- Yes, it does.

I've had 27 years of therapy
trying to recalibrate Christmas,

ever since our shithead of a father
abandoned us on Christmas Day.

Don't say it doesn't have to be perfect,
'cause it bloody well has to be.

So why don't you tell Hamish
to put his foot down? You're already late.

Slight wrinkle.

Hamish is now Felix.
She traded in her trader for a new one.

Give me that.

Excellent! Anything else
I should know about?

Caroline Christmas-Hope,

you need to calm down.

It's only bloody Crimbo.

The most important day of the year.

We don't want to stay
in the Brontë room this year.

It's too cramped,
and we need a really comfortable bed.

Felix suffers from lumbago.

-Sciatica, darling. I'm not 83.
-We'll take the Queen room.

But Mummy has the Queen room.

Her knees are bad, and she actually likes

your two awful little banshees.

I'm allergic to them.
So we've agreed to do a swap.

-Bye!
-Okay.

She's got her chaste little knickers
in a twist again, Mummy.

Joanna Christmas, be nice.
We'll be with you in about an hour.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Thanks for the ride.

-Hey, hey!
- Auntie Vicky!

Hi! Hey!

Hey, sis.

-Sis!
-Vicky.

Peter Pants!

Never know how you're gonna turn up.
I was hoping for a Red Arrow this year.

Come and see our Christmas tree.
We made all the decorations ourselves.

Good Lord, darling. Look at that.
It's a Rolls-Royce.

Hm.

That is sick!

Hm.

Here we are again.

Christmas at Dunnock Manor,

capital of nowhere.

Hello, sis.

Hello.

-Hello. Wow, love the car.
-Hi.

Merry Christmas.
Hey, this place is absolutely idyllic.

Yes. Hamish, lovely to meet you at last.
Heard a lot about you.

-It's not Hamish. It's Felix.
-Felix.

Hamish and Joanna split up.

-Nice outfit.
-Oh.

Sexual repression is in.

For once in your life,
you're ahead of the curve.

Well, probably for the best.
Heard Hamish was a total tosser.

-So you're much better.

Welcome, Felix.

Hm.

-Lovely house.
-Yes.

-Must have cost a packet.
-Well, not really.

I think it was about £10

when one of my feudal ancestors
picked it up a few centuries ago.

-Really?
-So no need to be impressed.

Nothing to do with me.

-Let me show you around. Come on.
-Oh, yes.

Uh…

My wife, uh, Caroline.

-Hi, I'm Felix.
-Hello.

-Welcome.
-Pleasure.

Darling.

Caroline! Caroline, darling.
I… I… I think I'm stuck.

Mummy!

No, I… I am actually stuck.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Happy Christmas, darling.
Can you press that?

Paulina.

Merry Christmas, Paulina.

Or is it Doctor of Music Paulina?

Not yet. I've gotta finish my thesis.

Have my boxes arrived?

Yes, all of them.

Right, come along. Let's get you inside
so you can complete your oeuvre.

Hm.

The theme was supposed to be
"The 12 Days of Christmas."

But you went with the theme
of sewage instead.

Nice work.

Hey!

We decorated the Christmas tree
with Daddy.

Oh, you really can't tell.

I think it's wonderful.
Come and give your grandma a kiss.

Oh.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I'm Vicky.

I'm, um…

Down, girl.

I'm Felix.

Woof!

Hello, Auntie Joanna.

Don't call me Auntie!
You know I hate that!

Is my present in there?

Touch it again, and I'll kill you!
This bag is worth more than your kidneys.

Do you wanna look in my bag?

-Where did you get all these?
-America.

Which parts did you visit?

Every part.

Mm. I'm sure you did.

Say thank you.

Thank you, Auntie Vicky.

How on earth did you afford
a trip across America?

You're always broke.

I couch-surfed.

Mattress-surfed, more like.

Felix, are you at the beginning or the end

of a three-month relationship
with my sister?

We've been together for ten weeks.

Yes, drinks, anyone?

Don't mind if I do.

What a bevy of beauties, eh?

All the sisters gathered together.

I can remember when you lot used to fight
like Spitfires and Messerschmitts.

And now, four warring nations

peacefully working together
in a loving sisterhood.

Delightful! And…

a tribute
to that bewitching mother of yours.

John.

Elizabeth.

-Merry, merry Christmas to all of us!
-Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Where did you get all this?

I went into Auntie Joanna's bags.

She said she'd kill us.

Uh-uh.

She said she'd kill you. Now, sit still.

I need to do your blush.

Well, isn't this nice?

Bloody marvelous. I love Christmas.

-Mm-hmm.
-Should happen more often.

Peter, refill, please.

Yes, dear.

Anyone else?

-Jolly good.

Where's Paulina?

In the library working on her thesis.

She's been working on her thesis
for ten years.

It's about the Fab Four. Why they split.

We all know why.
It's 'cause Robbie wanted a solo career.

Right, I remember that.

No. Not Take That. The Beatles.

Ah, the '60s.

Sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll.

But mostly sex.

Oh, um…

Well, if Paulina won't come to us,
maybe we should go to her.

Oh! And I have something to show you all
in the library. Very exciting. Come on!

Yes. Yes, dear.

Go on.

Paulina, are you really going to spend
the next three days in a darkened room?

I want to be left alone
and write the ultimate dissertation

about the greatest rock band
in the history of the world.

Oh, so you're writing about
U2 now as well?

Felix, would you like to see
some family photos?

Oh, I'd love to.

Of when I was growing up,
and Joanna was at university.

I was ahead of my time.
We're practically twins.

A decade apart.

Forty-five and still--

Thirty-five! I'm thirty-five.

Younger than me. Interesting.

Sorry. I'd just like to go over
the itinerary for the next few days.

God, she's got a planner.

Christmas Eve is the grand buffet.

Therefore tonight is heavy appetizers.

If you're all still hungry,
go to the Plough Inn.

Oh, Vicky, you like a good plowing.

That's 'cause I'm still young enough
to sow my oats.

Yes, and tomorrow we have
the Howden Christmas Fair,

which, as always, will be oodles of fun.

But I've just got to Yoko.

The fair is a Christmas tradition.

Christmas Day, we've got a nativity play
at the Nightingale Lodge.

Ooh, love a whiff of urine and old fart
on Christmas Day.

Joanna, maybe we can get you a room.

Please, could we just be a family
and have a lovely Christmas?

Hm.

Thank you.

So, Boxing Day--

Which happens to be
a very special day because--

-Yes, Peter, please.
-I married the love of my life.

Wow! Really?

That's brilliant.

And I was your bridesmaid.

-And I was--
-The old maid.

So, rooms.

You know what?
We're gonna go stay at the Plough Inn.

-We are?
-But why? Your room's all ready.

-I just carried everything upstairs.
-And you can bring them down again.

I refuse to spend another night
under the same roof as you.

Uh.

Okay.

That's not very Christmassy.

You sure
you can't convince her to stay?

The Plough Inn is no Savoy.

Joanna is very strong-willed.
Probably not worth the fight.

Well, if you change your mind,
you can always come back here.

-You can have my room.
-Your room?

Are you not sleeping in the same room
as your wife?

Uh, apparently, I snore, spin,
steal the bedsheets… Generally annoying.

How long you been married?

It'll be 18 years on Boxing Day.

And how long
you been sleeping by yourself?

Eighteen months.

-So no…
-No, no.

Not for a while, no.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

How old is Joanna?

For… for… thirties. Thereabouts.

I think she's the one.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Good for you.

No one in this family
respects what I'm doing.

I have dedicated my life
to John, Paul, George, and Ringo.

Paulina, even the Beatles didn't dedicate
their lives to the Beatles.

God, I loathe our little sister.

Um, would you like a plate?

I'm not hungry.

Food!

You take one more step towards me,

I swear to God, I will rip out your larynx
and wrap it round your tits.

Take a joke, Joanna.

You'd think you'd be able to at your age.

These were for tomorrow.

Dad's in Florida.

What?

How do you know?

I saw him.

From a distance?

-I stayed with him.

You stayed with him?

-For a week. Maybe two.
- Oh my God.

-With Jackie.

Jackie?

-That's his--
- Hello, Mum!

What are you girls talking about?

Oh, you know. Christmas.

Oh. Oh. Ooh.

Yummy.

Mum, your buttons
are all done wrong on your blouse.

Hm?

Oh!

Silly me. I'm losing the plot.

You'll have to get a room for me
at Nightingale Lodge.

-You can share Joanna's.

Mm-mm. Oh.

-Would you like a plate?
- Mm. Thank you.

-Did you make this, darling?
-Yes, it's for tomorrow.

Hm.

Silly me, asking about your private life.

-I didn't mean to intrude.

Please, do not worry about it.

That's marriage.

Really?

Oh yes. You'll find out soon enough.

It's wonderful.

Vicky, when you went to Florida,

did you by any chance
invite anyone for Christmas?

I might have done.

Who on earth comes from Florida?

Do you think that was a good idea,

or that maybe
you should have asked the host first?

-Did he come?
-They came.

-Is it who I think it is?
- Mm-hmm!

No way!

Who is it, darling?

Yeah, well, whoever it is,
I'm gonna let them in, darling.

I mean, it's cold outside.

Especially if they have come
all the way from Florida.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Girls.

I know it's been a long time.

Uh, this is my girlfriend, Jackie.

Hi!

It's so nice to meet you all.

Oh my God!

This castle is so adorable.

How could Princess Meghan leave this?

I… I should introduce myself.
I'm your son-in-law.

-Peter.
-Peter.

-Yes. It's a pleasure.
-Yeah.

Hello.

Hi.

I'm, uh, Joanna's boyfriend, Felix.

Right.

Hi.

-Hi.
-Yes, hi.

John.

James.

Lilibet.

- Lilibet?

Elizabeth!

Y'all drink proper tea and everything.

And look at the decorations!

This is the most awesome Christmas.

And I love that you recycle.
I saw the tree.

This is so damn typical of you.

Thinking nothing of taking a big crap
over the rest of us,

and expecting someone else,
usually me, to clean it up.

That is so unfair.

-He's got old, hasn't he?
- It's been 27 years.

Did you see his girlfriend?

I know. She looks like she's only
a couple of years older than me.

And what is up with his American accent?

He's like the oldest swinger in town.

So you live in…

-Miami.
- Miami?

-Ah.
-Twenty-five years now.

Best thing I ever did.

I wear shorts in January,

afternoons are for golf,

and I've not had a girlfriend over 40 yet.

Honey, you are the cutest.

That gives me five more years.

And you've lost your English accent.

Some things I can do without.

And have you heard her speak?

It's like she massacres
the English language.

She's actually really nice
when you get to know her.

Yeah, well, I have no intention
of getting to know her.

I've been planning this
Christmas for six months.

Is this vegan?

Him being here
is the worst Christmas since he left.

Paulina, what are you doing here?
I told you to stay with Mum. Is she okay?

She's fine.

I've maintained
a strange devotion

to my queen and country.

God bless Elizabeth.

You cling to her all you like.
Be my guest.

Know what I hate
about being English in America?

No, what?

Nothing.

-Except everyone thinks he's Australian.

-I can't believe you invited him, Vicks.

You're so selfish. Can you imagine a world
where you have responsibilities?

Like a job or a family or a marriage.

What, like yours?
With your husband in the east wing?

Bedroom door and legs shut.

You ruin everything!

You know what? I will leave you to it,
Miss Perfect Pants.

"The love you take is equal
to the love you make." Paul McCartney.

Will you just shut up about my sex life?

What are you all doing in here?

Will you please go out
and be with your father?

-Mummy, are you all right?
-Yes, I'm fine.

I just need a moment.

Go!

Where do you think you're going?
We are all in this together.

I spent two weeks in Florida with him.
He's all yours.

Just run away and leave us to deal with
the big turd there-- Hello, carol singers!

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Christmas-Hope.

You know why Christmas is so cruddy
around you, Caroline?

It's because you put too much pressure
on everything to make it…

-You should just--
-Let it be.

Exactly.

-Hey, don't you touch the Rolls-Royce.

Come back here!

Go on, then! Off you go!

And don't worry about the nuclear bomb
you just detonated.

We'll deal with the fallout.
Will you just shut up?

I'm sorry. Oh.

And the bitch has nicked the Roller!

Uh, chocolate Hobnob?

Take as many as you like.

Do you know anything by the Beatles?

-Did Vicky just take my Rolls?
-Felix, not the moment.

So, I presume
you'll be joining us for Christmas.

Well, that was the plan, sweetheart,
if that's okay?

Hm.

Any food preferences I should know about?

Anything is fine.
Uh, we don't wanna cause any trouble.

We are paleo, keto, kosher, vegan,
gluten-free, refined sugar-free,

but with the inciest, winciest
bit of caffeine.

How about Caroline cooks you up
a nice piece of wood?

That sounds awesome.

 I've never had wood.

No?

Oh.

I know just how you feel, Paul.

-Well, I like these little characters.

Hello.

Who are you?

I'm your grandpa. And you are Daisey.

Which means you are Henry.

And I am delighted to meet you both.

Mummy said you were dead.

He does look a little dead,
doesn't he?

Yes, well, the rumors of my death
have been greatly exaggerated.

I'm very much alive and well.

And I'm your grandma.

Can I play with Grandma?

Step-grandma, Henry. Step-grandma.

Where's she taken my car?
I paid 300,000 for it.

Yeah, there's 200 grand
of my clothes in there.

You're doing awfully well, Joanna.
You used to cry over hand-me-downs.

She's a fashion editor.
They're all freebies.

That's not the point.

You can borrow something from my wardrobe.

I'd rather die.

Oh, I love your
dinky little English accents.

I feel like I've landed in Hogwarts.

Uh, since when did you sprout
massive knockers?

Come here.

-Sorry, Auntie Joanna.

That is a very expensive brassiere.

Six hundred and forty-nine pounds,

detailed with macramé
using the frastaglio technique,

and you have stuffed it
with pairs of your cheesy socks.

Don't worry, darling.
Auntie Joanna's not really cross.

Yes, I bloody am.

And you, Liza Minnelli, come here.

They're just children, Joanna.

Your choice, not mine.

These are mink.

Ow!

We don't believe in the use of animals
for cosmetics.

No, you just believe in seducing
old cosmetic dentists with fat wallets.

I am calling the filth.

For stealing your bra?

I don't want to go to prison.

No, not you. My little bitch of a sister
who has stolen my clothes.

-And my car.
-Vicky's family. She'll bring it all back.

There's no signal. We can't get out
of this godforsaken place.

You can't call the police at Christmas!

Not one bar in this house.

Well, I think this has been
a marvelous catch-up.

I think we've dealt with all the basics.

And now I'll leave you
with these charming girls,

so you can see what you've been missing
for the last 27 years.

Goodbye.

Cheerio.

So, I guess we should find you two a room.

Uh, together or separate?

Oh, well, we can go to a hotel.
Honestly, it's no--

No! It's fine.

You'll stay here.

-Well, that's very gracious and generous.
-Mm.

And thank you.

Y'all live like Prince Charles
and Queen Camilla.

Mm-hmm.

- Try it.
- Thank you.

It's good? Yeah. Enjoy.

Hi.

Old-fashioned. Straight up.

-Oh, so you've read my Tinder profile?
-Just the drink, please.

You know, that's not a regular request
around here.

Well, I'm an irregular kinda girl.

Oh, I can see that.

Hang on. Hang on.
It's not done. It's not done.

I give it a stir.

Come on, Zeus, you troublesome beast.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, not you.

Lovely pair of bullocks.

Oh.

Oh, toreador!

 Olé!

Whoa! Hey! Careful of my bed.

Hang on. I don't… I don't know your name.

That's the fun part.

-Take this off. Now.
-Okay.

Okay. What now?

Oh. Okay.

Whoa. Oh. Whoa!

This is a fascinating read, Paulina.

There's so much of it.

I'll go and get the rest.

Well, Christmas is going great.

First Vicky goes,
and now I can't find Mum.

What do you mean, darling? Where is she?

I don't know! I've looked
everywhere in the house for her.

Just a couple more.

Brandy.

Yeah.

Last one.

Large one?

-Absolutely.
- That's your lot.

Ringo.

Ringo, it's me, Henry.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

Mummy?

Are you all right?

Hm.

Everything all right?

I'm working on my thesis.

Of course you are.

Good night.

Golden slumbers.

Everything all right?

Excellent. Excellent. Dandy.

Is this place haunted?

No, it's just the central heating.

Okay.

Okay. Good night.

-Night.
-Night.

-Rat! Rat!
-Rat! Rat! Get it, darling.

-What's going on?
-There's a rat!

It's not a rat. It's Ringo.

Well, it's disgusting! Chop its head off!

I hate the country.

Any sign of my car?

Not yet. Good night.

-Oh God, this house.
-Oh my God.

I almost had a heart attack.
Are you sure there's only one?

I don't wanna sleep here tonight.

There we go.

In you go, Ringo.

Darling, I won't snore or spin

or wrap myself up like a cocoon
in all the covers.

I can't believe my father's here.

Well, he has a certain charm.

That's just his aftershave.

I want to cancel Christmas.

Oh, darling.

We'll muddle through.

We're the Christmas-Hopes.
It's what we do.

It's already a mess.

No, it's not, you silly thing.

You'll find a way to make it work.
You always do.

Because you're wonderful.

I am?

You are.

Good night.

Night.

This almond milk is delish.
So much better than America.

That's 'cause it's raw cow's milk.

I'm lactose intolerant.

Oh, don't worry. I got a new loo brush.

I love the Beatles, Paulina.
This makes me wanna move to Liverpool.

I could get you into 20 Forthlin Road.
Paul McCartney's actual house.

-The birthplace of--
-The Beatles and the Scaffold.

Mike McCartney's comedy musical trio.
It's all in here.

So what do you think?
What do you really think?

It's incredible? I love it.

Oh no. Not two of you.

Today is going to be a good day.

Today is going to be a good day.

Why is C-3PO in my kitchen?

No. Today is going to be a good day.

Oh, darling, you look lovely.

Where is Vicky?
I want my own clothes back.

Hey. Hey. I've gotta go
and clean up in the bar now.

Okay, bye.

Name's Ben, by the way.

Good. Yeah.

- Ah! Hello.
- Morning.

So, is the, uh, cockerel
taking a break from the hens?

Yes, they're no doubt
working on their pecking order.

Yeah. Well, I've got a little job for you.

We've gotta get a… get a cow
out of a ditch, you know, before the--

Morning, Grandma.

Good morning, Henry.

I asked her
to check out the cottage.

She's got a wonderful eye
for interior design.

So she's, uh, gonna try
and brighten it up a bit.

You know, boring old bachelor pad.

Anyway, if you could help me
with this cow.

It's fallen in a ditch. Silly bitch.

Yes, I'll help you with the cow. Yes.

Just go and buy yourself
some fudge or something.

-Come on.
-There's a stall over there.

-Thank you, Grandma.
-All right, darling.

-Daisey.
-I want to see my friends.

Where were you last night?

Oh, stargazing.

My faith was dwindling.
It has now been restored.

Caroline Christmas-Hope,
by both name and nature.

We are here to help, Reverend,
in the spirit of Christmas.

I do believe I can see the winning pie.

No, no, no.
My entry must remain anonymous.

Now, assign us our duties.

Wonderful. Right.

It looks like we need a chef d'équipe
for the Advent Wheel of Fortune.

Someone with real verve and personality.

I'll do it.

Excellent.

Uh, we also need someone for Cowpat Bingo.

Joanna.

Jesus.

Would be proud of you
on the eve of his birth.

So obviously, I must excuse myself
from the pie stand.

How about I do the jumble for a change?

Oh no, no.
We're well-catered for there already.

Hm.

Two pounds?

Mary Mother of…

Our savior!

Hey!

-What the hell are you doing?
-Raising money for the church.

-Where's Felix's car?
-I don't know.

-How much for this?
-One pound.

That cost £10,000!

I'll give you two.

-Two? Perfect. Thank you.
-What?

Have a nice day. Merry Christmas.

God, I hate you!

Will you stop bickering?

Your father is finally here
this Christmas.

Let's show him what he's missed.

Can we do that, please?

Joanna! We are so thrilled
with your very generous gifts,

which I believe were all given to you.

Even I've seen The Devil Wears Prada.

Come on. The Cowpat Bingo
won't run itself.

Come with me, please.

Come on.

You smell of fornication.

Mummy!

Paulina, put some effort into it.

Roll up.

Spin the wheel.

Round and round it goes.

No wonder no one's spinning it.

Where it ends, no one knows.

It's not a wet weekend in Wigan, darling.
It's the Advent Wheel of Fortune!

What's the prize?

Land on Christmas Day,
and you get a knitted toilet-roll cover.

-Brilliant.

Land on it three times, and you get a car.

Wow!

That's my Rolls!

Say bye-bye to Santa now.

Bye, Santa. Bye.

All right. In we go, Henry.

Pie number two.

Mmm. Mm-mm.

Ooh!

They sure do Christmas right here.

Mmm.

Mm. What do you think, Henry?

I think that's an eight.

An eight for the pie.

An eight.

Or, uh…

Or… or a nine? A nine.

A nine maybe, or… or a ten.

A ten. The perfect pie.

You guys!

-Hi. Hi. Hi! Hi!
-Hello.

Sorry we missed breakfast. Jet lag.

You've missed more important things
over the last 27 years.

I wouldn't concern yourself
over a missed breakfast.

Caroline Christmas.

I love your costume.

It's just the way I dress, but thank you.

Well, we're here now
to help out in any way we can.

Oh, I don't think there's anything
that needs doing.

Actually, there… there is something
you could help with.

Ooh.

-You…
-Yes.

I'm going to dress you…

This is the one. We've got this.
We've got this. Come on!

We got this. We got this. We got this.

- Oh no!

Apparently, he's been on the mulled wine
since nine o'clock this morning.

What do you propose we do about it?

Okay. All the threes. Thirty-three.

Well, I wouldn't say no
to a glass of warm milk

and a small, small plate of cookies.

Mrs. Claus has me on a diet.

What's the matter, darling?

Father bloody Christmas.

I think he's rather good at it.

Yeah. If only they knew.

Just because he didn't stay in touch
doesn't mean he didn't want to.

Not even a Christmas card.

Off you go now, Esme.

Merry Christmas. Who's next, Jackie?

Santa, this is Isabella.
She's been a very good girl.

Why, thank you, Jackie.

That's my favorite elf, Jackie.

What can I do for you, young lady, hm?

We must learn to forgive.

Especially at this time of year.

I don't know how
you can stand the sight of him.

Um, I think you are actually an angel.

My little Christmas pudding.

You can't control people
or the things they do.

All you can control is how you respond.

Just one more, please. One more.

No, no, Felix. Don't you think
someone else should have a go?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Naa!

Yeah! How about I do
every spin on the wheel?

Yeah, that'll do nicely.

Come on!

Ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

All right. All right, children.
Just a moment.

I will get to each and every one of you,

but for right now, follow my favorite elf
to Santa's workshop.

Hubba-hubba!

Don't tell Mrs. Claus I said that.

So, what sort of a Father Christmas
are you? An absent one?

Someday we'll have a serious conversation.

How could it be anything else, Santa?

Not just now. There's someone
more important I need to speak to.

He is trying, you know?

Yes, very.

Ho, ho, ho!

I know you're not real.

I'm 12 and three-quarters.

Of course I'm not the real Santa Claus.

I'm standing in for him.
Everybody knows that.

It's me, your granddad.

You didn't even know I existed.

Of course I did.

And I'm looking forward
to your solo tomorrow.

I hear you're very good.

Did I say something wrong?

I'm a terrible singer.

They wouldn't let you up there
if that were true.

Mum's making me do it,

and she gave a big donation
to the Nightingale Lodge

so they'd cast me.

They wouldn't have cast you
if you weren't the best.

I'm not.

Look, if you have enough courage
to get up on that stage and sing,

even if you're flat as a cowpat,
no one's going to notice.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

Look, I'm dressed as Santa Claus,
and nobody seems to care.

You know, people are gonna say and do
a lot of things in your life.

Know what I say? Sod 'em.

-Can I ask you a question?
-Of course.

Why did you leave Grandma
and Mum and her sisters?

That is a big question.

Did you ever have something so beautiful,

something you loved so much,

and then lost it?

So that to…

see it or even just think of it

made you sad?

In a photo, a poem.

You have to hide it away.

Somewhere. Somehow.

Run.

So that you don't feel sad anymore.

Are you gonna leave again?

No, sweetheart.

Grandpa's done running.

Can you believe I've had to win all these
just to get my Rolls back?

So how are you bonding with the family?

Bonding?

Now there's a word I wouldn't use
to define your family.

They're not strictly mine.

Well, one of them is.

Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas, Father Christmas.

I wish my Grammy could see me now.

She would have loved
Christmas in a palace. Hmm.

You were so hot in that Santa suit.

Mm. How could I live without you?

You don't have to.

I almost did.

You spent so long in the shower,
I thought a prune was gonna walk out.

Jambo. You're so cute!

Who nicked all the hot water?

Hi.

Ah! Look who's here.
The Ghost of Christmases Past.

How are you, little brother?

John. Didn't know you were joining us
for lunch today.

Oh yes. I'm here every Christmas.

Yes, yes. Like a bad penny,
I always turn up, you know?

Not really your thing, though, is it?

Okay. You wanted to meet my family.
You've met them. They are a nightmare.

Please can we go back to London
before I literally lose my mind?

Darling.

Darling.

It's Christmas Eve.

It's only two more days.

Baby, family is everything.

Okay.

I love you.

So, I… I've made you something.

It's, um, it's vegan and gluten-free
with a little touch of caffeine.

-Ah.
-Awesome.

It looks very nourishing.

And there's always oats
down at the stables.

I want you to know
I had to have a shower with cold water.

Our shower was like a steam room.

I was in there for an hour.

What?

Ah, yes, Jackie.

Perhaps it's time
to have a little conversation

about being fair with the hot water.

These old houses
are a little bit temperamental.

Don't get me started on the electrics.

At least you got your clothes back.

Oh, I hate you.

Please, could everybody just get along

and put their squabbles behind them
for 48 hours?

-Hear, hear.
-Not you.

-Uh, where are the children?
-Oh, they've already eaten, Mummy.

I thought it'd be nice
to spend some adult time together.

Yes. Well, perhaps a toast.

- Ah.
-Peter, if I may?

Yes, of course.

Absent fathers.

No.

I'd like to say
that I… I realize it's been many years.

Here's to understatement. Shall we eat?

For heaven's sake, man. Be quiet.

Oh! Left your sense of humor
in the colonies, did we?

You know what?

I'll push this so far down your throat,
you'll need a colonoscopy to remove it!

I propose a duel.

Me and Yankee Doodle Dandy here.

Pistols at dawn.

No, let's do it the American way.

Step outside. Now!

Marvelous.

No, James. John!

Are they really having a fight?

- Come on, Uncle John!
- My money's on Dad.

-Come on!
-Come on, Dad!

-Come on!
-You get him!

Oh my God!

What are you doing?

-Come on, Uncle John!
-Come on, John.

- Come on!
- Come on! Get in there!

Come on!

Smack him!

Uncle, come on!

-Get him, Dad!
-Come on!

Careful, John. Duck, John!

What is it with you Americans?
Why… why don't you play to ordinary rules?

- Go on, Dad! Kick him!
- Oh my God.

-Do it! Do it! Do it!
-Come on!

-Go on, do it. You can totally get him.
-Come on!

Elizabeth, good God! Put some clothes on.

That's not good.

You are dead to me.

You're dead to the whole family.

Move. Move. Just…

Whoa!

Oh, you're not worth it.

Now you can finish your speech.

I won.

I'd like that.

Jackie.

Oh my God. Is this happening?

Is this really happening?

Hmm.

You make my heart smile.

You make me wanna live forever.

So, as long as I do,

I'd like you beside me.

I wanna marry you,
and I hope you wanna marry me too.

Oh, Jambo.

I do! I do! I do!

- Oh!
-Ah.

Congratulations.

This must be hard for them.

Go be with your daughters.

You are wonderful.

I know.

Girls.

I had a plan in mind

of how this was gonna go.

This wasn't exactly it.

What did you expect?

You've been in America all this time.
You haven't even thought about us.

-That's not true.
- Really?

Maybe I should talk to the post office
about the decades

of missing birthday cards
and Christmas presents.

You never wanted for anything.

A roof over your head.

College.

Your wedding.

That was Mum.

With my money.

She would have said.

We both agreed
it was best to do it this way.

I was in no state
to be a father back then.

You don't know anything about us.

Your mother kept me in the loop.

I've been incredibly proud of you all.

And yet so distant.

I was in an incredible amount of pain.

I was dangerously close to inflicting…

some irreparable harm.

Believe me.

Leaving was the right thing to do,
at least at the time.

I would do anything…

anything to be a part of this family now.

Dad.

Yeah?

We're going to the pub.

Do you want to come with us?

I'd love that.

I didn't realize Caroline was your sister.

Yeah. You look surprised.

Well, yeah. You guys are very different.

True. Send us some more beer.

Okay. Coming up.

Here's your order, guys.
Six pints and six packets of crisps.

Not quite the gourmet feast
my beautiful wife prepared,

but there you go.

Hey, James. Jackie would have
a heart attack right now.

I'm with my daughters.

Do not begrudge me
a good old-fashioned bag of crisps.

Mmm. Whoo!

-To Dad!
-Ooh! Yes.

-Daddy.
-Joanna.

Cheers.

This band is great.

Um, I need to tell you all something.

You're a lesbian.
You tell us every Christmas.

-What?
-Mm-hmm.

Yeah, she tells us every year
that she's gay,

and she never provides any evidence.

I don't like men.

I don't like men.
I just like sleeping with them.

Steady on. What's the use in me?

Oh, Peter!

Good Lord, it really is Christmas.

-And like Santa, he only comes once--
-No, don't!

Darling, would you like a whiskey chaser?

Yes, I would!

Capital idea. Waitress!

Whiskey chasers for all my girls.

Yep.

Me and you would go shopping
every year for Mum

and see the Christmas lights
on Oxford Street,

and it was magical.

And you were the best dad ever.

We all went.

You just wanted to stay with me
while the others went shopping.

It was the best time of my life.

I missed you.

I looked for you that Christmas morning,
and I looked every Christmas since.

I'm here now, sweetheart.

Yes. Yes, you are.

Mm-hmm.

Whiskey!

Thank you, Joanna.

Bottoms up, everyone.

Oh, that is awful. Holy crap.

Merry Christmas.

She's looking at me.

Yes. Yes, she is.

Thank you very much.
Okay, settle down! Settle down!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I do not know if you are aware,

we have a very, very special surprise
for you tonight.

If you didn't know,
the Christmas sisters are here tonight!

Come on up! Come on up to the stage.

Girls. Girls, please.

Sing a song for us.

Hello, Plough people!

We are the Christmas sisters,

and tonight we have
a very, very, very special guest.

The man, the myth, the legend,
our father, James Christmas!

Father Christmas is back!

-What do you wanna sing?
-Come on, Daddy.

One more time!

Hi!

Oh, look, Jackie!

Hi!

A New Yorker meets Yorkshire.

My family tradition to yours!

Surprise!

She's blown the bloody house up.

Yes!

O-M-G.

Gordon Bennett!

You go get some sleep, Peter, all right?
I'll… I'll have a fiddle with this.

-Oh, that's very kind of you, John.
-That's all right.

You know about these things,
so I think I might just turn in.

Yeah, you do. Sleep well.

Christmas baubles.

Yes.

Hi, kids. You okay?

We had a power cut.

Daddy, if we have no lights,
how will Father Christmas find us?

Well, it's modern times, Henry.
Father Christmas navigates by radar now.

-He still won't see us.

Well, you don't know, but actually,

uh, last Christmas, um,

Rudolph got actually given

a pair of super-duper, top-of-the-range
night-vision goggles for this very reason.

-That's good.
-It is good. It is good.

Ah.

Well, blankets. It's cold. Okay.

Right, you two. I love you.

Go to sleep, okay?

'Cause tomorrow morning, it's Christmas.

- Night, Dad.
-Night night.

Um, ooh.

Those.

There is so much food.

Yes, well, it'll be okay outside, I think.

-I can't believe how drunk your wife got.
-Yes.

She's, uh, passed out upstairs, I believe.

But I'm sure she'll be back
to her ebullient self in the morning.

Here we are. And then,
can you manage one more?

Oh, yes.

Ooh! That's a big one. There we are.

What is that, actually?

Uh, heavy is what it is. Heavy.

Smells. Ooh.

Hurry back. There's plenty more.

Oh.

Excellent.

Right. Here we are.

Move your arse.

-You are so bossy.
-You've not seen anything yet.

Got it? Well done. Lovely.

Right.

- Peter.
-Yes.

What about foxes?

Foxes won't get in there. No problem.

I'm so, so sorry.

Please.

Oh.

It's absolutely fine.

Is there anything we can help with?

No. Please, no.

John is sparking up the mother ship
as we speak,

so hopefully, by the morning,
we'll have some light.

How's Caroline?

She's good. She's fine.

She's passed out, so she's fine.

I'm not gonna be able to sleep.

Felix?

What are you doing?

- I'm a little busy, darling.

Caroline. Are you in there?

Hm.

Will there ever be electricity again?

I have quite enough electricity,
thank you.

Between the two of us,
we could power up the Pennines.

You really are a most remarkable woman.

Oh, get on with your work.

I think I need some inspiration.

That'll do it.

Huh?

Hm.

Caroline?

I'm in the bathroom.

John's gonna work on it all night, so

eventually we should have
some electricity.

Happy Christmas, darling.

Good Lord!

Sorry. Not in these shoes.

Whoo!

Happy Christmas, darling!

Ah-ooh!

Here I come.

No, no, no. No! No! No! No, darling!

Please. No, no, no! No!

-Kidding!

Oh, honey.

I can't believe I blew up Christmas.

Nah.

You think Santa would mind
if I open one of my presents early?

I don't think he would mind at all.

Well, we must go to the Plough more often.

New Year's bloody resolution.

Ooh. Ah.

Maybe no whiskey chasers next time.

I need to check on the kids.

Maybe I should change first.

Well…

I love you.

I love you too.

God, I love Christmas.

Fan-bloody-tasti…

Bloody hell.

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
creeps in this petty pace."

-Merry--
-Don't…

say it.

Everything all right?

I'm such an idiot.

Seventeen years, 364 days,
and my marriage is over.

What?

I've been made a cuckold.

You two were like young lovers last night.

Star-crossed, my friend.

What the hell happened?

She's having a baby.

Well, that's amazing!

To have a baby, my friend,
one needs to have sex.

Unless, of course, she is the Virgin Mary,
which she is not.

So it's a miracle?

I haven't been allowed in her room
for 18 months.

Until last night.

Then it must be the quickest pregnancy
in the history of procreation,

unless, of course, I am now a mosquito.

Do mosquitoes have short gestations?

Yes, and they mate for life.

-I thought that was seahorses.
- Who cares?

My wife is having an affair.

And she's pregnant…

with another man.

I'm leaving.

On Christmas Day?

Why not? It's a family tradition!

Merry Christmas, Peter.

Is it?

Going somewhere?

As far away from here as possible!

Is he still upset about the electricity?

Eighteen months. Eighteen months!

English men are so emotional.

-Something is very wrong.
-Eee.

Merry Christmas, kids.

Merry Christmas, Granddad.

Presents! Presents!

-Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
-Ah. Merry Christmas.

We should wait for Daddy.

No!

Peter! Presents!

Sometimes this house is just too big.

Peter!

You can open two.

What's this?

Mum, this is just weird.

Like, really weird.

Peter!

It's because Father Christmas
couldn't see the house.

No, it's because your father
mixed up the presents.

Whee!

Got him. I've got him again.
Another one. Another one.

This is the best Christmas ever.

Peter!

Peter!

-Peter!
- Caroline.

Peter, where are you?

He was very upset.

Well, he should be.
He can't do anything right.

You're awfully hard on him.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a sausage club
where you all stick up for each other?

Peter's gone.

What do you mean, "gone"?

He left. He said he wanted to get
as far away from here as possible.

Because he mixed up the presents?

I don't know. He was very distracted.
He didn't make a lot of sense.

He wouldn't just leave for no reason.
He's not you.

Leaving you was the most difficult thing
I did in my life.

I should have fought harder for you.

Yes, you should have.

I'm going to get ready
and find my husband.

Yeah, so much for great British wood.

Happy Christmas, Mr. Fox.

-Hm. What a mess.
-Yeah.

Hey, I love your work, by the way.

It's just a thesis.

It would make a very good book.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I mean, I can feel the passion,
your love for those mop-top boys.

They're the only boys
I've ever really liked.

Look, I was thinking,
could I take it to my people?

I think they'd love it.

But I… I thought you were a stockbroker.

No, that was Hamish.
No, I'm into publishing.

I work with cars, books, magazines.

We also have a great music department
in Los Angeles.

Mm-hmm.

No!

Vicky!

Vicky! Vicky! Vicky!

What? I'm asleep.

Are you pregnant?

No.

Well, somebody left
a positive pregnancy test in my bathroom,

and Peter saw it, and now he's gone.

Paulina!

Christmas is ruined!

Christmas is canceled.

Sweetheart, what's the matter?

There's no food.

And Peter's left me.

No!

Why?

The foxes ate it all.

No, no. Why did Peter leave you?

Because he thinks
I'm having an affair.

-Are you?
- No!

Then why does he think
you have a fancy man?

Because he thinks I'm pregnant.

-Are you?
-No!

I need to know whose this is.
Somebody's pregnant.

It's mine.

You're pregnant?

Yes.

I've done ten tests in ten days, and…

they're always the same.

Oh my God.

Is it mine?

Of course it's yours.

I'm gonna get so fat.

It's wonderful.

No, it's not wonderful.
I'm gonna have a bloody baby.

It's bloody brilliant.

We're gonna be a family.

-We are?
-Yes.

That's great. Congratulations.

But because of you, my husband's left me
because he thinks I'm an adulterer.

Here.

Thank you.

Still,

I guess it's tradition

for the men in this family
to walk out on Christmas Day.

That's not fair.

Mummy, how can you defend him
after what he did to you?

After what I did to him.

Elizabeth. Now is not the time.

Then when is the time?

They need to know, James.

I can't live with this secret anymore.

What secret?

I broke your father's heart.

What do you mean?

Your father left because I had an affair.

No!

Thank you.

And a baby.

Please don't blame your mother.

Sometimes things just happen.

It's me, isn't it?

I always knew I was different.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Joanna.

We had you
when we were still in our teens.

Oh.

It's me.

Well, then who's my father?

Look what's for dinner.

Oh God, no.

What on earth is going on?

Has Greek drama
come to Dunnock Manor? What?

You're my father.

Uh…

Guilty as charged.

Is Daddy back from his walk?

If we're going to do this nativity play,
we need to go now.

Oh Mary Mother of Jesus.

Right, and I can't be late.

Don't worry, sweetheart.
You won't be late. I'll find your Dad.

John, I need your help. Come on.

Well, what a lovely reunion, eh?

Laughter, tears,
good old-fashioned punch-up.

-Something for everyone.
-We'll talk one day.

Right now, you're gonna help
save a marriage for once.

James, um,

I'm sorry, uh…

sorry you behaved much better than I did.

Well, thank you.

This could be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.

-Hm.
-Let's go.

-Ah.

Thank you.

Thank you. Ah, thank you all.

And a very Merry Christmas.

This year, as always,
the children are well-prepared,

with the help of their wonderful teacher,
Mrs. Stressel…

who will also accompany them on the piano.

So, please, enjoy!

It was in a bleak midwinter

when Mary and Joseph
made their way to Bethlehem.

How much longer, Joseph? I'm so tired.

Get in this. We'll be there in no time.

Have you booked a room in Bethlehem?

Actually, the Nightingale Lodge.

I hope it's not full.

It's okay. I sent them a text.

James.

Peter.

You know, my wife, your daughter,
is having an affair,

and she's having a baby with someone else.

No, she's not. It's Joanna's baby.

No way.

Is it Felix?

Yes.

Oh God!

-Sorry.

-Oh, Caroline must be furious with me.
-She is.

I know that look.

What look?

The face of a man who wishes
he'd handled things a little differently.

Especially with his family.

You know, I was so wrapped up
trying to build a practice

that I actually neglected
my wife and my girls.

And my big brother, John,
was there to fill in for me.

Which he did.

In any number of ways.

So that Christmas morning, I ran.

I couldn't face it.

Until Vicky came to visit me in Miami…

completely unaware
that she's the reason I left.

And I decided it was finally time

to put an end to all this nonsense.

How do you mean?

I love Vicky as my own daughter.

But she is John and Elizabeth's child.

No!

This is why I left.

Any fool could see
how much in love they were.

Still are, for that matter.

Just as any fool could see
how much in love you and Caroline are.

Now, get up.

I've got some grandchildren to see
in their Christmas pageant.

Think you'd wanna be there too.

Yes.

Behold, the Christmas star.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Hi.

I… I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I love you, you silly thing.

Your dad came to get me.

He's an amazing man.

Thank you.

Why does Wise Man Number Three
have his guinea pig with him?

Oh, he thinks I'm gonna chop its head off.

You're gonna be an incredible mother.

Hm.

I have missed you, big brother.

I've missed you, little brother.

Bravo!

Bravissimo!

Hello! Hi. Hi.

Now, I really hope we all enjoy
our delicious Christmas meal.

But before we do, I think it is important

that we say a big thank you
to the Christmas family

who have stepped in very kindly
to serve food for you today.

-Beans? You're not a has-been.
-Yes, please.

You must have sprouts at Christmas.

What kind of music do you like?

Oh, anything from the Beatles.

- Yes.
- Yes.

It's… Did you not? There we are.

Jambo, could we live in England?

-Nothing would make me happier.

Can we get a modern castle?
Like, maybe five years old?

Sure, honey.

Yorkshire pudding?

- Not with turkey.
-Too fattening.

It'll make me grow, won't it?

Uncle John, it's gonna be very weird
for me to call you Dad.

Would 30 years of pocket money help?

Oh.

Oh, my darling. I love you so much.

One more?

- One more.
-Yeah?

-Darling, I am so sorry about the meal.
-Oh, don't worry about it.

I really need to, uh, fix that fence.

Honestly, this has been
the best Christmas ever.

Good Lord, I love you.

This is gonna be the finest turkey
you've ever eaten in your life.

Dude, you're giving her so much turkey.

That's a lot of turkey.

Oh my God, I forgot Ben.

-Who's Ben?
-The bartender.

I left him back at the house
tied up on the bed.

Oh, don't worry about it.
He'll get used to it.

-Oh.

Do you really want to marry me?

Of course I do. I love you.

But promise me this.

We spend next Christmas with my family.

Of course. Where do they live?

-Bahamas.
-Yes!

Is it okay if I bring my family?

I just wish it would have snowed.

Leave it with me.
The name's not Christmas for nothing.

Oh, honey!