Father Christmas (1991) - full transcript

After a hard night's work, Father Christmas decides to go on a "blooming vacation", builds his sledge into a caravan and holidays in France, Scotland and Las Vegas before coming home and settling down, with a bit of grumbling, to answer the mail, get the gifts ready, deliver them and get to the Snowmens' party on time--only he's forgotten something.

Woah! Woah my dears! Stop!

Hooray! Home again.

Oh, my feet are frozen!
Alright, alright...

There you are, my dears.

That's it for another
bloomin' year!

There you are.

That's better.

Blocks... of blooming... ice!

Bliss.

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

Don't know what he's
bloomin' well moaning about.



Life of Riley!
Bed of bloomin' roses!

Wonder what he does with
the other 364 days.

Well I'll let you into
a big bloomin' secret.

For a start there's the reindeer
to see to every day.

Then there's the garden,
and my bloomin' veggie patch.

Housework, shopping...

In fact last year I was so
bloomin' fed up with it all

I decided to do
something about it.

A bloomin' good holiday, that's
what I need. But where?

Italy!

Greece? Or
Ireland, maybe?

Holland!

Canada, definately.
Germany...

Tunisia,
Switzerland...



- France! France, that's it!
- Oy!

Land of culture and civilisation.

Food, wine, sun, camping!

Perhaps not.

A bloomin' genius,
that's what I am.

Hmm... A bit of four-by-two,
tens panels of, yes...

do it yourself...
shouldn't take more than...

Bloomin' shoddy bloomin' bent
bloomin' nails!

Bonjour. Aujourd'hui mes ami-

Vous vous etes...

Ils, er, sont...

Nous, er, avons...

Un, deux, trois.

Lecent dix,
repetes apres moi...

Ou sont les plumes
de ma tante?

You know what you can do with
your bloomin' tante, love.

Bloomin' fini.

Ah, thank goodness.

Ah, tres bon, n'est-ce pas?

Oy, mind the bloomin' paint!

Right then!

...vest, shirts,
trousers, hat...

(mumbles)

...guide books, phrase book.

Bloomin' animals.

La belle bloomin' France.
Marvellous.

Suppose I ought to do
some shopping though.

Wish I didn't look so like
a bloomin' foreigner.

That's better! More French!
Not so bloomin' conspicuous.

- Monsieur?
- Merci, me old mate!

Right. I'm gonna have a bash
at everything going.

No chips, mate?

Chips? Le frites?

Sacre bleu! Tu plaisantes,
non Monsieur!

I think that means
no bloomin' chips.

How about Ketchup then?

[Scolded in French]

HP Sauce?

Non, Monsieur!

Just have to make the best
of it then, I suppose.

Monsieur. Café, crème,
et... l'addition.

Crumbs!

Bloomin' expensive!

Ooh no, no!

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Where are the Alka-wotsits?
The Dio-thingy?!

Oh dear!

Out of my bloomin' way, cows!

Better get to a proper camping ground.
Proper toilets for a start!

Crumbs.

Must be the bloomin' water.
Perhaps a bit of breakfast.

Whose are they?

That old bloke who looks like
Father Christmas.

Crumbs. Time to move on.

Now... where...

Let me see now...
pure water...

Scotland!
Of course!

The best water
in the world!

Crumbs, what a place.

Morning!

Bloomin' cold...

Bloomin' marvellous!

Just the job!

- Hey Mum, it's Santa Claus!
- Ach, away with ye.

Time to move on again,
I suppose.

Crumbs!
It's not raining!

Aah!
Freezing!

Crumbs! Help!

Sharks! Shark!

Rain. Cold. Sharks.

What a bloomin' country.

Enough's enough.
Somewhere hot.

Of course! Las Vegas!
Bloomin' obvious, really.

Not a bad little hotel.

Have a nice day, Sir.

Nice little room.

A swim! That's it
for today.

Time for a little snack,
I think.

Bloomin' marvellous!

Quite good little puds, too.

Better smarten myself up
for the evening.

Where are we?
There we go.

Not bad! Out of a
bloomin' cracker.

Oh.

Hang on a minute!

Right!

There we go.

- No more bets.
- Too bloomin' right mate.

Nothing left to bloomin'
well play with.

Oh dear! Too bloomin'
old for all this.

Bedtime, I think.

Here we go again.

Ta.

Fore!

Hey-hey!

How about that then?
Look at that!

♪ Way!

Hey Mom, is that
fat guy Santa Claus?

Time to be off again.
Oh well.

Crumbs, running low
on money anyway.

Hey mac, are you
Santa Claus?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

I'd certainly better
bloomin' well go home.

Alright! Yep!

Hooray! Home again!

Oh, look at the bloomin' garden!

Bloomin' weeds! The mower will never
go through that bloomin' grass!

Thank Heaven that's over!
Good to be home, really.

Better get those two rascals.

Alright, alright,
mind my bloomin' beard!

Here we are then.

What's going on here?

Aha! Bloomin' post started
coming in already.

I can hardly get in the
bloomin' door!

It gets earlier every year.

Better get down to it.

Look at this! What will
they call me next?

Santa Claus, Père Noël,
Saint Nicholas?

Just bloomin' old
Father Christmas, really.

Still, all the same
I suppose.

Eh?

Where'd you want these mate?

So that's 200 Teddy Bears.

No, 201.

...a Panda?

Bloomin' building bricks
weigh a ton!

I'll have to look
that one up.

...bloomin' pony? How does she think
I'll get that on the sledge?!

I'll think of something.

Can I back the lorry
round the side, mate?

Where'd all this lot
come from? Oh dear.

Just one more bloomin' chore.

Off to a fancy dress
party then, Sir?

I should be so
bloomin' lucky!

Get off. Get off!

Bloomin' Christmas Eve
again.

Bloomin' snowed
during the night.

There you are my dears.

And further falls of snow
are expected later on this-

Bloomin' sleet,
bloomin' snow...

It would be,
wouldn't it?

Roll on summer,
that's what I say.

Back, back...

Go on, go on...

Righto my dears, this is
bloomin' well it!

Tally ho!

For all the little girls and boys
I've got this sack full of toys

I'm sure it gets bloomin' heavier
every year

You've got to remember
this day in December

Is my busiest bloomin' night
of the year!

There's hours still to go
and my boots are full of snow

And both my poor old feet
are bloomin' freezing

As we sail through the sky
going ever so high

We wish you the best
of the bloomin' season!

♪ So jump up on my sleigh
♪ and we're all on our way

♪ To another bloomin' Christmas

I know I must look a sight
Up on your roof tonight

Trying to wriggle down
your bloomin' chimney

It's just the getting inside
Is it me that's too wide?

It's squeezing everything outside
that's bloomin' in me!

Then I deliver all the toys
Without making a single noise

And I look at their
bloomin' faces, so quiet

But I know in the morning
When Christmas comes a-dawning

There's bound to be
another bloomin' riot!

♪ So jump up on my sleigh
♪ and we're all on our way

♪ To another bloomin' Christmas

Flippin' eck!

Hi. Loo's upstairs,
first on the left.

Not awfully original.

All the bells will soon be ringing
Glad tidings they'll be bringing

Soon I'll hear them singing
in my bloomin' head!

So from me and my reindeer
We'll see you all next year

I'm going home soon
to my bloomin' bed!

♪ So jump up on my sleigh
♪ and we're all on our way

♪ To another bloomin' Christmas

♪ So jump up on my sleigh
♪ and we're all on our way

♪ To another bloomin' Christmas

So from me and my reindeer
We'll see you all next year

♪ For another bloomin' Christmas!

Well, no bloomin' chimney
for a start!

Well, here goes...

Nearly there boys...
bit late, mind.

Glad you could
make it again!

The party I mean,
not your snowman!

Oh that's bloomin'
torn it!

Oh my goodness! I've left the
wrong present before, but never...

...well there's only
one thing for it.

Come on my dears, we're going
for the bloomin' record!

Goodbye!

Come on, we'll bloomin' well
make it or bust!

Oh good, flag's flying,
they're in.

Morning mate!

Right, here we are...

Whoa!

Right, right,
C'mon, c'mon...

Still at it mate, eh?

Done now, thank
bloomin' goodness.

Better get a move on
out of here.

[Yawns]
Not far now, my dears.

So there you are. Now you
bloomin' well know, don't you.

Perhaps you won't be quite
so quick to moan about me

when you look in your bloomin'
stockings in future.

Nobody's perfect.

Can't wait to get
to my bloomin' bed.

Better put the bloomin' pud on
as well, I suppose.

Might as well take mine up for
when I wake up for my lunch.

Well, no need to
open them really.

That'll be another bloomin'
awful tie from Auntie Edie.

Here we have the usual ghastly
bloomin' socks from Cousin Violet.

But this is more like it!
Good old Uncle Bob.

That's that for another
bloomin' year.

And Happy bloomin' Christmas
to you and all.

♪ Poor old Father Christmas
♪ He never sees Christmas morn

♪ He works so hard on Christmas Eve
♪ he's asleep before the dawn

♪ Dear old Father Christmas
♪ We think you're very kind

♪ And if you get a little grumpy
♪ we don't really mind

♪ Thank you Father Christmas
♪ from every boy and girl

♪ And all the children everywhere

♪ In the whole wide bloomin' world

So from me and my reindeer

We'll see you all next year

♪ For another bloomin'

♪ Christmas!

Merry bloomin' Christmas!