Fantasma en el Oeste (1978) - full transcript

[roar]

[dramatic music]

[narrator] This motion picture
is dedicated

to the horse riders
in the sky...

To the memory of the heroes
of the prairies

who preferred whisky
to Coca-Cola.

[western music]

[puppet] ...25 cents,
just place the coin in my hand.

The distribution
is totally automatic.

"Modern progress" is our motto.

Step right up,
ladies and gentlemen.



This is a rare occasion,
ladies and gentlemen.

The miracle potion that has
worked wonders in Europe

for half a century has
finally arrived in America.

Emperor Napoleon,
the man who has dominated

half of Europe,
has given it his name...

The Emperor's Miracle Potion.

Only 25 cents.

Just place the coin in my hand.

The distribution
is totally automatic.

"Modern progress" is our moto.

Step right up,
ladies and gentlemen.

Only 25 cents for a bottle
of the Emperor's Miracle Potion.

It's a rare occasion,
ladies and gentlemen,

for this wonderful remedy.
The Emperor's Miracle...



I wonder if it'll cure
poison ivy?

[puppet]...skin disorders,
acidity in the stomach,

and fecundity to the womenfolk.

[laughing]

I wonder what that stuff
can do for me.

[laughing]

I'll put the money in
and see what happens.

I'll buy a bottle of this
instead of a drink.

What do you say?

[puppet] "Modern progress"
is our motto...

[chatter]

[man] Let's see, eight bottles.
That'll be two dollars.

You don't want to see
all my friends [inaudible],

Napoleon's potion.

[laid back music]

[cheering]

...The Emperor's Miracle Potion.

All you need is one bottle...

How much does it cost?

[voice warping]

[man] You ain't got no money.

[puppet] Twenty...five...cents.

Just place the coin in my hand.

The distribution
is totally automatic.

"Modern progress" is our moto.

Step right up,
ladies and gentlemen.

Only 25 cents for a bottle
of the Emperor's Miracle Potion.

It's a rare occasion,
ladies and gentlemen,

for this wonderful remedy.

This is a rare occasion,
ladies and gentlemen.

The Miracle Potion has worked
wonders in Europe

for half a century.

Not bad!

[puppet] It's finally
arrived in America!

Emperor Napoleon, the man

who has dominated half of Europe
has given it his name.

Only 25 cents! Just place
the coin in my hand...

This here ain't half bad.

[gunshot]

[woman] What kind of poison
are you selling?

[gunshot]

Thief! You murderer!

Because of your medicine,
all my cows,

chickens, and pigs
have diarrhea!

It's all your fault!

And my husband is sick, too!

But it's the animals
that worry me.

-If they die, I--
-[gunshot]

He's a poisoner! A murderer!

We've got to hang him!

[angry chatter]

[Napoleon] Hey, just
a minute. What's wrong with you?

My potion has never made
anyone sick.

[woman] My animals
are half dead because of you!

But you'll pay for it!

Hey, you shouldn't have
give it to animals.

The potion is only
for human folk.

What's wrong
with my husband then?

It ain't my fault.
I don't make the potion.

I'm only in charge
of selling it.

[angry chatter]

Settle it with my boss.

[sheriff] Where is he at?

In the saloon, across the road.

[man] Well, let's go after him!

[angry chatter]

[gunshot]

[upbeat music]

Yeah!

Let's go, Josephine.

If they catch us,
we're going to die here!

[man] Hey, Sheriff. I got to go!

[men chatting]

[men groaning]

[man] Oh, I can't hold it!

[passing gas]

[upbeat music continues]

Whoa. We made it, Josephine.

Whoa, we made it!

Whoa, whoa.

We're in a mess.

We lost our puppet,
the gramophone, the mattress.

[sighs] Well, it couldn't
have been worse.

I must've put the castor oil
in it instead of glycerin.

That's it.

I guess I do too much reading.

Makes me absent minded.

[whistles]

Well.

Well, they say literature
is good for nothing,

but it sure saved my life.

[groans]

[creaks]

Huh, an Indian cemetery.

Sure fell
into some nice company.

Anyway,

it's better than that sheriff
and his posse.

The dead don't bother me at all.

Hey!

[man groans]

[Napoleon gasps]

[voice] "La Vida es Sueno."Bah!

[groans]

Ah, a little drink!
That's what I need.

[gasps]

[inaudible]

[voice] Ah!

[dramatic music]

Where'd he come from?

Hey, I needed that whisky
for my miracle potion!

Great. Really great stuff.

The best I've had
since I'm dead.

Hey, cut it out.

Save your prayers
for your own dead.

Please, my boy...

You want to ruin me?

Don't say your prayers
in my presence.

Or you'll send me
right back to paradise.

I ain't ready for that yet.

But excuse me,
who are you anyway?

I am Davey Crockett.

You must be glad to meet me,
huh, kid?

But Davey Crockett's dead.

Oh, I see you heard of me then.

Yeah, sure. I died
not far from here.

At the Alamo.

And my Indian friends
buried me in here.

You finally came along
to liberate my soul.

By the way, who are you?

Napoleon.

Well, then,

you're dead, too?

[Napoleon] Well, really,
I ain't that...

[Davey] And what are you doing
in America?

I was born here.

Napoleon B. Higgins
is my full name.

Oh, I was wondering.

How come you got a name
like that?

My father fought
with a French emperor

as a young man.

He was Captain
of the Guard and..

And for sentimental reasons,

he named me after the emperor.

What is this?

Uh, miracle potion
for long life.

I don't think you're interested.

Besides, this batch
didn't come out [inaudible]

I went wrong on the formula.

It loosens the body,
so to speak.

[laughs]

Mine? It sure
would be difficult.

Hey, this is not bad, really.

I see you got brains, kid!

Listen, after you leave here,
where are you heading for?

I don't know.
I run into some trouble and...

Ah, then you can do me a favor.

Might even be a good deal
for you.

There's an old lady
that lives real close to here.

And I got to talk to her.

Why don't you do so?

Well, if I appear before her,
at her age,

she'd have a fit,
I don't want her to do that.

She's a good friend of mine.

Besides, she only speaks
Spanish.

And what makes you think
I speak Spanish?

[Napoleon] Who told you?

[laughs]

From the book
you were reading, sweetie pie.

There. "La Vida es Sueno."

Life is a dream.

It ain't that I don't
speak Spanish.

It's just that my manners
ain't quite fittin' for a lady.

Anyway, we could go part
of the way together.

I really--I don't know.

You know, it's stupid.

People are afraid of ghosts.

We ain't in the least dangerous.

Sorry. I didn't think
it'd go off like that.

Here, take good care of it.

It's a gorgeous weapon.

It's a Far Cry
from the shit fires

we used in my day.

And we sure used some
at the Alamo.

Ah, by the way,
what about getting a good sleep?

I imagine you're tired.

Hey.

That's a strange way
to go to sleep.

[laughs]

Sleep dreams.
We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Reclining Bull,
the light, please.

[Napoleon] Wonder what I did
last night.

I didn't drink anything,
that's for sure.

My head's about to burst.

[inaudible]

Life is a dream. That's it!

I dreamt it all.

After that close call
in town yesterday,

my dream could only have
been a nightmare.

Cheer up, Josephine.

The worst is over with.

[ominous music]

Look down there, Paco.

He looks like a merchant to me.

Of whisky, I'd say.

Even if he hasn't any money.

He can abide us a drink
of whiskey, eh?

My throat, she is dry.

Paco, you'll be drunk very soon.

[speaking Spanish]

[shouting]

[Garcia] Hey, hombre.

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, don't make such a face.

What you take us for?

Oh, we frightened you?

I'm so sorry.

Muchachos are
a little bored, si.

So we want to play
a little game.

Right?

-You answer, right?
-Right.

Right. Hear that, hombres?

El chicoagrees.

Well, well, we'll play
a nice little game.

It's called "Cato you el raton."

We're the cats,

and you're the rat, Right?

You answer! Right?

-Right.
-Right.

It goes like this.

You get down off the wagon,

and start running,
and we chase after you.

And if you fall down,
the hombre nearest shoots you.

After this,

if you like the game,

you get back up
and start running again.

Simple, no?

After the tenth time,
we change. Why not?

We run [inaudible] right?

-Right.
-Right.

[Davey] Up with your hands.

It ain't right with me.
I don't like this game.

The first Mexican that moves
will get

"Que Viva Mexico"
written on his ass

with his gun.

Don't turn around.

Now listen, boy. Give these
depraved sons-of-guns

a bottle each
of that miracle beverage

of yours.

[Garcia chuckles]

Come on, move. Move!

You go ahead and drink.
Drink up, muchachos.

It's on the house.

Come on, muchachos. Drink!

Yo better beat it now, boy.

Go on, boy. Get out of here.

Yes, right.

Giddy up, Josephine.

Get out of here.

[Garcia chuckles]

Now, then, boys.

Drink it up there.

Come on, boys. Pick it up.

Now, since you already got
something to drink,

I'll take this right here.

[dramatic music]

Madre de Dios!Maybe the sun,

she is too strong.

What am I talking about?

That gringo's played a trick
on us!

Hey! [speaking Spanish]

[all groaning]

You're nothing but a lot
of shit-the-pants.

I'm afraid you're right, Garcia.

[all groaning]

[yells in pain]

We got a ghost, too.

[Davey] Stop, Napoleon!

[neighs]

-Who's there?
-It's me.

Oh, no, that man fool's back
again.

[Davey] Damn fool, you say!

[chuckles]

Hey, you could be polite,
my boy.

After all, I was a senator.

You went and forgot about me

and the favor I asked you
to do for me.

Hope I didn't frighten you.

Once I was considered
good looking.

It's not that.
I remembered everything.

But I was hoping
it was all a dream.

I saved you from the Mexicans.

But if you prefer playing
that game of theirs...

No, I'm with you.
But I ain't used to...well...

Those like you...

I mean you can appear
and disappear as you like.

You're right.

And I can make myself seen
by who I want, if I like.

Now you can see me
while other can't.

Ghosts!
Don't you know the legend?

When a cowboy dies,
he goes and takes his place

in the great cavalcade
of the Horse riders of the Sky.

But you're here, not in the sky.

Oh, let's skip it.
I'm getting so confused.

Listen, here, boy,
all you got to do

is talk to this old lady friend
of mine.

Afterwards, you can go
where you like.

It ain't much I'm asking.
Like that dirty Mexican said:

Right?

-Right.
-Very good.

See that house down yonder?
That's where Katie lives.

You'll like this lady.

A real sweetheart of a woman.

Yes, sir. She really is.

So lively...so friendly.

[gunshot]

Friendly?

You people change
in your old age.

But I'll take care of it.

[gunshot]

Where'd you go?

Davey!

Davey!

No, grannie.

Abuela! Abuelita!

[laid back music]

Don't be afraid!

Don't be afraid!

You shouldn't be afraid!
I'm a friend.

[Davey chuckles]

Oh! Oh!

I said I was a friend!

Grannie!

Well, I'll be!

Downright pretty!

Oh, you dirty pig!

Well, you sure look young
for your age.

What do you mean by that?

Aren't you supposed
to only speak Spanish?

And why should I?

That's what he told me.

And who is this "he"?

A friend of mine. Oh!

[yells]

You satisfied now?

Go ahead, boy.
Explain it all. Go on.

-Or do you want me--
-No. No, no, wait.

Ma'am, I don't mean any harm.

My name's Napoleon.

Oh, no.

Napoleon B. Higgins.

I only wanted to say a few words
to Mrs. Katie.

[Napoleon] Really...believe me.

Ah. It's no use.

She won't listen to me.

[Davey] You don't know
how to handle women.

You don't mean to do it
the hard way, do you?

[Davey] I'll show you
how it's done.

No, no! Davey, wait!

[yells]

[laughs]

When you said your name
was Napoleon,

I thought you were crazy.

Now, I'm sure of it.

The blame is all...
Oh, skip it...

Listen. I came here
to see Mrs. Katie.

Me, too.

Katie's my grandmother.

I came to live with her,
but she went to Dusty City.

I can't understand
why she isn't back yet.

She said in the note
she'd be away for one day,

uh, two at the most.

I found the note on the shelf.

Would you mind waiting for me
while I put something on?

You know, the strangest thing
happened to me

when I was shooting at you.

My blouse and my skirt
fell right off me.

You rascal!
Who made you senator?

[Davey] That's right, boy.

What are you talking about?

Nothing, forget it.

I suggest you wait just a minute
before dressing.

I want to check to make sure

there's no one
in the house first.

Thank you. But there's no one,
I assure you.

No?

Excuse me.

Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Oh, I'm glad you're here.
I mean it.

I don't feel safe
all alone in this house.

You see,

I heard there was a Mexican band
operating these parts.

I was afraid.

That's why I started shooting
when I saw you.

I'm sorry.

I ran into them a while ago.

Real mean people.

They were about a dozen
and they were out to kill me.

[gasps] Oh.

What's wrong?
Does hearing this bother you?

Look!

I don't know what effect
it has on the seniorita, amigo

but it makes my blood boil.

You and your damn tricks.

Put your hands in the air.

Paco, take care of her.

-Take it easy.
-[yells]

You wanted to poison us

with that goddam potion
of yours, huh?

I had nothing to do with it.

You're making a mistake.
It was Davey!

-Davey.
-You lie.

You were alone.

But I tell you, it was Davey!

Davey!

Well, then...

You'll have to pay
for this Davey, too.

Whoever he is.

No! No!

[Garcia] Shut up!

Stay where you are.

-Throw your guns down.
-Senior.

-Get up.
-Don't shoot, gringo.

Rose, you stay here.
This ain't for a lady.

Er, uh, we were just playing.

Hands up.

[Paco] Little fun, you know.

-Little--
-Outside.

Come on. Outside.

Out.

You came here because you like
the potion so much

and you want to drink some more.

No. Oh, no...

What's that?

And I will satisfy your wish.

A bottle for you.

Drink...drink.

You, too.

Me too...

But look, amigo.
We could die of it.

Sooner or later,
it's going to happen.

Drink up!

[gulps]

I have to go!

But amigo...

Paco, Paco.

Get on your horse
if you can make it!

Paco! Paco, get your horse!

And you. You son of a puta.

One of these days,

I'm going to catch up with you!

And when I do,
I will-I will-ugh...

[speaking Spanish]

[passes gas]

[Davey laughs]

Hey, big boy.

For a Napoleon,
you're a pretty mean feller.

Ah, so you're here. How nice.

Now, where were you
when I needed you?

Looking the place over
for something to drink.

What if they killed me, huh?
What if they killed me?

How you carry on.

When do we leave?
I suggest right away.

Listen, will ya'?

You want to stop telling me
what I got to do?

Well, if you want to stay here
until they come back

with the others,
do as you please.

[Napoleon] Rosie?

Rosie!

[laughs]

Rosie?

Rosie?

You were...
You were magnificent.

Oh, thank you.

I was afraid really...

These rifles on the walls are...

Are always unloaded.

Thank God they didn't notice it.

[gunshot] [yells]

What an aim!

Well, I get by.

You deserve a prize.

I'm sure grannie wouldn't mind.

Here, let's celebrate.

Oh, no, no. After all...

I--

What's the matter?

I'm hungry.

I'll see if there's some cheese.

Grannie always
keeps some around.

[gulping]

[Davey] Hey!

[Davey chuckles]

Oh, heavens to Betsy!

You're the greatest drinker
I've ever seen.

My dear father used
to always say

there was only one man
who could drink this way,

Davey Crockett.

A great man. We really should
say a prayer for his soul.

How about that?
The whole shelf collapsed.

Guess it wasn't placed
very well.

I wonder what grannie will say.

Speaking of grannie,

I think we better get away
from here.

Go away? But why?

Well, those Mexicans might
return with the whole gang.

Oh, no.

I don't mean to frighten you,
but...

I don't think this
is the best place

to spend the night.

I don't know how to thank you,
Napoleon.

Without you...

[soft music]

-[Davey belches]
-Oh!

Did you hear that?

Must be the cat.

No.

It sounded more like a coyote.

Sure, a coyote is more like it.

Well, I'll go get ready.

You're making a mistake
taking it so hard.

I was only trying to be helpful.
That's all.

You should return to that tomb
and stay there forever.

I'd be careful, boy,
if I was you.

You kissed that girl
like you had matrimony

in mind, that's for sure.

I was watching real good.

[Napoleon] You Peeing Tom.

You're as good as cooked.

I guess I better start looking
for some rice

for the wedding day.

If you really want to know,

I intend to accompany
the young lady

to the railroad station.

And then be on my merry way.

Do as you like.

But it's a real shame.

I was thinking
of making you my partner

on that treasure deal.

A treasure?

What treasure you talking about?

Oh, nothing.

Just a treasure.

What kind of treasure.

Explain yourself.

Oh, some stuff a merchant
buried around here

before he got killed at Alamo.

Anyway, so long, friend.

Best of luck to you.

I guess I'll have to talk
to the old lady myself.

Hey, listen. Davey, wait. Wait!

A treasure. A real treasure!

Thank you, Napoleon.

That's very kind of you.

But I...

Oh, yes. You're a treasure.

A very precious at that.

[laid back music]

That poisoner's back.

We'll settle with him.

He ain't going to get away
this time.

[chatter]

Here are the tickets.

You mean to say
you're coming too?

Yeah.

You know, I decided
I'd like to meet your grandma.

She really must be a treasure.

What's wrong?

Nothing, let's hurry.

Let's get him.

[trumpet music]

Dammit!

Right this way, Miss.

I can do it.

Here, let me help you.

See you later.

This is for
the young lady's lunch.

And this is for you.

Take good care of her.

Our policy is to treat
all our customers well, sir.

Anyway, I'll do my best.

The gentleman's not eating?

No, thank you. I'm on a diet.

Pardon me.

Would you like to order, Miss?

-Thank you.
-Not a problem.

Oh, Mortimer!
Welcome aboard, Mr. Mortimer.

This way, sir.

This is fine.

There you are, Mr. Mortimer.

It's a great honor
to have you with us again.

May I?

-[Rosie] Certainly.
-Thank you.

May I have the honor
of having you as my guest?

No thank you.
It's already payed for.

Oh, I'm sorry. If you allow me,

I hope to invite you

to something after lunch
perhaps.

[leisurely music]

[Davey whistles]

Hey!

Where are you?

Up here on the roof
getting some fresh air.

What's up?

Oh, nothing.

My finances forced me
to let Rose eat alone

and there's a jerk
of a lady-killer

playing the fool.

I would've gladly bashed him
in the nose.

But I'm afraid Rose will think
I was a brute.

Ah, listen. There's something
I want to tell you.

About the treasure.

I want to make a deal
with you. Davey?

Davey?

Where the hell did he go now?

I wonder what he's up to.

[Davey] Let's have a look
at this lady-killer.

Ah, whiskey.

Waiter, I'll order
for theses. Thank you very much.

Uh, waiter. I want a steak.
Medium rare.

Not too raw, not too cooked.

I can't stand the sight
of blood.

I'll be with you
in a few seconds, sir.

[Mortimer] Fine.

[Davey] Whiskey.

Thanks....

I'll keep that in mind.

You ordered three whiskeys?

Here you are, sir.

You could've given us
a little bit more

while you're at it,
couldn't you?

Excuse me.

[inaudible]

This lobster
is for Mr. Mortimer.

Give us some
of our special sauce.

That's fine.

You're foolish
not to listen to me.

I'm a gentleman.

I know everybody in Dusty City.

I can be useful to you.

Ah, here we are at last.

I'd like you to taste
a specialty

that on this train
they prepare only for me.

Our sauce is ready.

Mr. Mortimer, would you like me
to prepare it?

No, thank you. I'll do it.

Obviously, it's only a lobster.

But the sauce is my own
special recipe,

which the chef
prepares divinely,

is so exquisite.

[waiter] Yes, right away, sir.

[screams]

Get this thing off!

I'm sorry.

I'll tell them in the kitchen
you prefer it more cooked.

Take it away!

-To the kitchen.
-Yes, sir.

Please excuse me.

Let's drink on it.

Surely you won't refuse
some champagne.

[man] Waiter.

The roast-beef.

That's a wise choice, sir.

I hope you'll have champagne.

Right. Gentlemen.

Oh? Huh?

-Such common people.
-Get to work then!

Excuse me!

Some champagne, then.

It's French, you know.

[Davey] Stop right there.

That's it.

I don't understand.
The champagne must be flat.

Oh, my goodness!

I'm so sorry, sir.

-It's alright.
-Champagne doesn't spray, sir.

[laughing]

[speaking French]

Immediately, sir.

[speaking French]

-Give me an omelet.
-That's more like it.

[Spanish music]

[Garcia] Let's show
those gringos

exactly who we are!

To the attack!

It's about time!

Here we are, sir.

Proceed.

No surprises this time,
Mr. Mortimer.

This I personally guarantee.

Omelet worthy of a great chef.

[Davey chuckles]

Le rhum!

No, allow me. You may go now.

In your honor, Miss.

[explosion]

[chatter]

[Mortimer]
Don't you know who I am?

You fellows know
who that dude is?

I don't know. I ain't never
seen him before.

Well, we finally have
what we haven't.

A drink.

[dramatic music]

-[inaudible]
-It's about time.

[gunshots]

Bandits! Everyone on the floor!

Oh, what a gorgeous young man!

He shot at me!

Rosie! Get out of the way!

Rosie!

Oh, Napoleon!
You're here at last!

-What's going on?
-Just a little shooting.

You stay here,
and I'll see you later.

[Spanish music continues]

[yelling]

[inaudible]

Okay, it's all over.

Get in here. Put your hands up.

[groans]

I always have to do
the dirty work.

[inaudible]

[yelling]

[gasps]

I have to go take care
of the others.

[gunshots]

[inaudible]

Oh, Napoleon!

Napoleon is dead,
so I'll call you Josephine.

[gunshots]

[speaking Spanish]

Onwards!

Those damn Mexicans.

I'll take care of them for that.

Stay here. Don't move.

[Davey] Damn sons of cayotes.
Hey!

Here. Have a drink!

[yelling]

[chatter]

Come on, muchachos.

The first one on the train
will get a bottle of tequila!

Damn gringo.

It's not possible.

[inaudible]

[train horn]

[cheering]

[man] You won't believe
how brave he was.

He fought off all the bandits
single-handedly.

What the hell's going on?

Some young fellow
who was on the train

when the Mexican bandits
attacked.

Fought them off single-handed.

Thank you. Thank you.

[dramatic music]

[chatter]

Afternoon, sir.

I'd like a nice room
for the young lady

and one for me.

I'll pay you tomorrow
after I go to the bank.

Whatever you want, sir.

It's an honor to have you
with us.

Sign here, please.

[Rosie]
Thank you for everything.

Bonnie.

If you don't mind,
I'll call you Bonnie.

It's much shorter.

Nothing you might say or do
displeases me.

Anyway, Bonnie.

I'll go ahead. I can't stand
on my feet any longer.

Yeah, of course.

[clerk] Boy, accompany the lady
to room 14.

[laid back music]

I can't stand on my feet
any longer.

[belches]

I heard you, sir.
You have a great baritone voice.

Room 15.

[clerk] Ha!

No wonder he took those bandits
on single handed.

He's looney.

He thinks he's Napoleon.

Hey, George. Have you seen--

You must not just call me
George, my friend.

You must call me
by my full name:

George Washington.

You know this hotel is filled
with great personalities.

If you should see Julius Caesar,

give my compliments to him.

Yes, sir. I'll go see
if he's around town.

[bell hop]
Paging Mr. Julius Caesar.

Attention, Mr. Caesar.

-Put this in my room.
-Yes, sir.

Here's the key.

-Sir?
-See you later.

[bartender] Excuse me, sir.
Would you like a drink?

[Davey] Mm.

Just one.

Won't you have a drink?

I just had it.

[man] Place your bets,
ladies and gentlemen.

Place your bets.

[man] The wheel is spinning.

[Davey belches]

Good luck.

[Davey] Get over there!

[Davey] Where the hell
are you going?

Roulette! Roulette!

[man] Place your bets,
ladies and gentlemen.

Don't play if you don't feel
like it.

We don't like to see people
go broke.

[man] The wheel is spinning!

Eleven, black.

No, no, no!

Twenty seven, red!
The young man's a winner!

[chuckles]

[Carradine] Hey, look.

It's 36 dollars.

Might come in handy
in your old age.

You better be careful.

[Davey] Hey, what are you doing?

Bet it all!

[man] The wheel is spinning.
No more bets, please.

It's spinning.

Number two, black.

No, just a second!
Twenty seven, red!

The young man wins again!

[chatter]

[Carradine] Well, now...

Roulette is a mere game
of luck, friend.

No skill involved.

My bet's you're not so good
at playing an intelligent game.

Like poker, for example.

Why not?

I'd be happy to let you win
some of your money back.

[men laughing]

Very funny, friend.

But I'll take you at your word.

We need some players.

Hell, I'll play.

-I'll play.
-Sit down. I will.

Is that alright with you?

Sure. That's alright with me.

Careful, son.
I'm the undertaker.

[chatter]

What's going on here?

Let me through.

[Davey] Come on, boy.
Open the bet. There.

I open.

I stay.

I fold.

-I fold.
-I'll stay.

Cards?

Why the hell did you do that?

Hey, what are you doing?

That wasn't me!

One.

Uh, a hundred dollars.

Friend, that's 300.

Alright.

Anyway, to see my cards,
it'll take double that.

Six hundred.

Pass.

Alright.

Put the other 300 in.

[Carradine] Okay, boy.

I got four aces.

One,

two, three, four.

[men laughing]

I have four aces.
I'm sure of it.

[Davey laughing]

Listen, let's say this hand
doesn't count.

If you say that you have
four aces,

I don't mind losing...

But I'm very sensitive
about having my leg pulled.

Let's play.

[men laughing]

[upbeat music]

I open. One hundred.

I'm staying.

-Stay.
-I call a hundred.

Here's my money.

Cards?

I'll have two.

Three.

One.

One.

I'll take three for myself.

[gunshot]

[Carradine]
Shall we play or not?

Five hundred.

I fold.

-Fold.
-I fold.

Make it a thousand.
It's only fair. I'm winning.

Two thousand in.

Wise guy.

[Napoleon] Alright.

-What do you have?
-A pair of queens.

That ain't enough.

I got four kings.

[man] Five, six, seven, eight...

It makes it easier
to play with eight cards.

Why don't you play
with them all, Carradine?

[laughing]

Well, to me, it's all the same.
You win, no?

I already warned you
not to be funny with me.

This is the last time
I'm telling you.

Let's get on with the game.

I swear I had five cards.

Yeah, the other three
were put there by a ghost.

[Napoleon] Look,
this isn't funny, really.

I also think
it must have been a ghost.

[Carradine] Shut up
our you'll soon

turn into a ghost.

Three hundred.

I stay.

I stay.

Stay.

I see that you're nothing
but two weaklings.

Two jerks.

But boss,
I'm telling you the truth.

The man's a devil.

It is not possible to whip him.

Ah!

It's like he gets help
from some mysterious source.

Mysterious source, my ass!

Don't make me laugh.

There's not a living man
I've seen

that cannot be done away with.

[Paco] You may be right, boss,

but you see, he's never in
the right spot

at the moment you attack.

Just give the orders

and we'll take care of the rest.

Tonight...

go to his hotel.

While he's sleeping,

all you got to do
is step in and kill him.

And there'll be no devil
there trying to help him.

Okay, boss.

It won't take much coaxing
to make me kill that bastard!

Yeah, me, too.

Alright, then do it, you idiot.

[inaudible]

Oh, another thing. The gold.

The train you were supposed
to get...

is going to be in town
until the day after tomorrow.

So, tomorrow morning...

[Davey chuckles]

-Check.
-Check.

I bet a thousand.

I'll see that.

Fold.

-Fold.
-I fold.

We're waiting for you, boy.

I have only...

Four aces?

Before I take the pot,
I want to say something.

Someone mentioned a ghost.

Well, he really exists.

He's dishonest,
a swindler, and a cheater.

His name is Davey.

Get up on your feet.

But I'm really serious.
Believe me.

Me, too.

The fact is,
my name is Davey Carradine.

And I'm going to make
you swallow what you just said.

Stand up.

[Napoleon] But listen, please.

If you'd only let me explain.

Explain it to the likes of you
in hell!

The guns!

If you want, I'll give you
your money back.

Take your money and clear out.

[chatter]

[upbeat music]

[Davey] Hold it.

[screaming]

[man] Are you hurt?

He hit my hand!

[Napoleon] Is that my room?

No, it's the one on your left.

Let's take el dinero.The money.

No.

Now, let's go.

I knew it. You even made
a cheat out of me.

I actually robbed that poor guy!

How do you like that?

I'm a robber. A cheap thief!

[Davey] [inaudible]

May I come in?

What's that stuff?

The whiskey you ordered, sir.

When you passed
through the lobby.

You said three bottles,
no glasses.

'Gotta wash my teeth'.
You said so.

Take it away. I don't want it.

Hey, wait.

Leave it.

Just the bait for a trap
I have in mind.

Here. Keep the change.

This is a hundred dollars, sir.

Doesn't matter.

It's stolen money anyway.

That's true enough, sir.

[waiter] Carradine is nothing
but a cheat and a robber.

Even though he's my boss.

We're all glad you
taught him a lesson tonight.

[Davey gulping]

Well, I fell into your trap.

But I deserved it.
I made you rich.

You mean you helped me
steal all this money.

I'm not proud as it is.

Oh, come on, now!

You heard what the waiter said,
didn't you?

It worries me. Really, Davey.

I feel like a snake
for what we did.

And everybody else, instead,
thinks different about it.

It is possible I'm wrong?

I wouldn't say you're wrong.

It's just that the world's
cockeyed!

But if you make up your mind
to live in it,

you got to make some sacrifices.

The money compensates
for sacrifices.

[Garcia] Listen.

There's someone with him.

[Napoleon]
What are your plans now?

I'll tell you what to do.

Tomorrow, you go find Katie
with the help

of that pretty granddaughter
of hers,

and with your smooth talking.

The sure the both of you
won't have any trouble

about bringing the conversation
around.

You talking about the treasure.

[Napoleon] The treasure!

That's it! It's about time
you explained.

[Garcia] The treasure!

[Davey] I ain't going
to do that.

[Garcia] Do you hear that?

Lo mato?

[Davey] Come on, boy.
What did you expect?

Now I think I'll just leave
through this window here.

La ventana!

Baja!

Quick!

Don't let him get away!

[Davey] Then we can go dig up
the treasure

and then each his own merry way.

[Davey] Oh, come on now.

Don't make such a sad face.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye-bye.

Now that you're rich,

you can dream all you want
about the girl.

Oh, I envy you.

She's real pretty.

[Davey] Oh, excuse me, amigo.

Being invisible,
I didn't see you.

[chuckles]

Oh, you're still awake?

I would say so.
Is something wrong?

Yeah, I'd say so.

Listen, Rosie.

I want to tell you something.

Davey says it, too.

Well, from
the very first moment, I...

Well, do you understand?

Frankly, no.

Well, I...

Now, I understand.

Go on, get to bed, sweetheart.

What are you doing
standing here in the doorway

in your night dress?

You'll catch a cold.

Good night, my love.

Good night.

[romantic music]

Oh, very good. Very good.

Perfect.

You look as if you stepped out
out of a display window.

Perfect!

Oh, just a minute. I'll look
for another had for you.

[Davey chuckles]

Hey, how do you
like this hat, eh?

Hey, boy. I'm talking to you.

Give me that. He's coming back.

[woman] May I?

-Who are you talking to, sir?
-Me?

Oh, nobody. I'm a ventriloquist.

Oh, a ventriloquist!

Oh, would you do it again
for me, please?

But, now, really...

Oh, come on. Just once more.

[Davey] Anyone ever tell you
you're a good-looking gal?

Oh, wonderful!

Oh, please.

Go on. Do some more.

[Davey] Hey, sweetie-pie.

You ever heard
of the big, bad wolf?

[Davey] The big bad wolf bites!

[yells]

I've run into types
like you before.

Real men.

And speaking of wolves,

I want you to tell me something.

How did you pinch me
and get there so soon?

Don't tell me you leap
like a wolf, too?

Well, it's not what you think,
I...

[laughs]

Oh, no!

I'm sorry. But that hat
doesn't go with that outfit.

Here we are.

This is much better.

It's not for me.

It's for a friend of mine.
A senator.

Oh!

If you like.

Yeah, thank you.

[woman] Goodbye, sir.

Good afternoon.

Why, you dirty pig!

Keep your hands
where they belong!

[Davey] Ask old Katie
if her husband

ever told her about it.

I'm sure he must've.
He was such a talker.

He always repeated everything
at least a hundred times.

There's something else.
I won't be coming with you.

I got to see some people.

See you later.

Hey. What'll I do with your hat?

[Davey whistles]

I have it on.

It ain't bad, eh?

Well, I at least hope
the others don't see you.

Who cares, no one knows me
in this town.

[chuckles]

But you don't have no legs!

Huh?

Oh!

Hey, your damn hat! Excuse me.

I beg your pardon.

Bonnie. I found out
where my grandma is.

Good.

Oh, how silly of me.

I forgot to tell you
how handsome you are.

Oh, yeah, well, thank you.

Uh, you were saying
about your grandma?

First she came to town.

Then she got sick,
so she had to stay here.

She's at the house
with some friends.

She's not from here.

[man speaking Spanish]

Thank you.

Cheap skate.

What's that?

Oh, nothing.
My senator friend, anyway,

a friend of mine asked me
to buy him a top hat.

Well, you know.

-May I?
-If you want to.

-I don't understand.
-What's wrong?

Why did you buy him a used one?

Well, he's very democratic.
Let's go see grandma.

Yeah, she's staying there.
Come on.

Come on, in.

[in Spanish] Pablo, how are you?

[chatter]

Oh, grannie.

[speaking Spanish]

I'm so sorry you meet
those cabrones de bandidos.

You all alone on the rancho.

[in Spanish] Who is this?

This fellow's dressed
like a doll.

[speaks Spanish]

No, no, no, no.

I promised my husband
when he died

[speaks Spanish]

Well, let's go and sit down.

You must tell me all about it.

Shoo, get away!

I was dying to see you, really.

Sit down, dear, sit down.

Come and tell me all about it.

Excuse me.

Let me see...

If I was not sure he got killed
at el fuerte de Alamo

many years ago,

I would say this hat
belongs to--

This hat belongs to Davey.

Davey Crockett.

No, no, grannie. Impossible.

Bonnie bought it for a friend
of his, a senator.

Davey tambien was a senator.

He did not deserve
such an insult.

Un hombrelike him.

[Rosie] But listen.

How come you didn't return
to the farm, grannie?

Well, I'll tell you.

I feel very good
when I come to town.

Then this hombregave me
a miraculous medicine.

He said try it.

And I try it.

And a miracle happened.
I get sick.

Oh, so sick.

[speaks Spanish]

And so I come to these friends
of mine.

You must excuse me.

I just remembered
I have an appointment.

I'll leave you both alone.

You must have a lot
to talk about.

I'll see you later.

This chicolooks muy locoto me.

Eh, nina?

But you love him... Verdad?

Love is blind.

But I can see alright,
and I think he's loco.

[speaks Spanish]

Offers us a drink.

He who don't offer to drink,
is a spy or else he stink.

[retches]

No, no. Oh!

[choir singing]

Johnny... Come on.
Johnny Appleseed.

Come on. I know you're here.
I saw you.

Come on. Tell me what's up.

Come on. I'm in a hurry,
gosh darn it.

[pig] Hey, watch where you step.

Oh, being a pig makes people

think they can step
all over you.

Come on, show yourself.
Cut out the funny stuff, Johnny.

You, too, Pecos Bill.

Where are you?

[chicken]
Why don't you leave us alone?

I know you're both here.
Where are you?

[Bill] Hi, Davey.

You're several years late, eh?

[Johnny]
It's about time you showed up.

Why don't you join
the Horse riders in the sky?

Well, you know the story
of how things went.

The Indians buried me
with one of their magic rituals

and I was stuck there until...

But it's already been a few days
since you've been freed.

Well, I didn't realize that.

We've been expecting you
any day now.

Oh, well. What's a day
more or less?

[chuckles]

Nice fellow, that friend
of yours, Davey.

Listen, here, Pecos Bill.

If you want to preach
your morality to me,

I'll go along.

I know you and your fixation
on your Horse riders in the sky,

but leave the boy alone.

Johnny, you tell Bill
he doesn't enter into this.

I was with you on the wagon

when you told him
about the treasure.

Oh, doggone it.

You see? We know all about it.

Only you and Johnny, I hope.

At least for now.

Hey, what is it you want anyway?

A part of the treasure.

Oh, no!

I'll continue planting
my apple trees

and keep my mouth shut.

And I won't tell the committee
of the Horse riders in the Sky

that you're up and around
and haven't presented yourself

because you're looking
for a treasure.

But this is blackmail!

[horse] Of course,
it's blackmail.

You only just caught on?

You really surprise me, Davey!

Mexican bandits!

Let's get the gold back!

-[dramatic music]
=[gunshots]

[Paco] Garcia? Garcia?

Hombre, you still with the--

Put him inside, tied up.

While I'm outside [inaudible]

You're lucky, Paco,
that you do not drink.

[inaudible]

[Smith] My dear friend.

I think you're in a fine mess.

Garcia here is hot-tempered
and he's got it against you.

I can understand why.

You know, he's lost forty pounds
since he's met you.

Let me break him
into little pieces, boss.

Here that?

He's not putting it on,
I can tell you that.

It's an ugly situation, really.

I feel very bad for you.

Well, if you feel that way,
you can let me go.

What use am I to you anyway?

You know where the treasure is,
don't you now?

[Napoleon] Me? What treasure?

The one you were talking over
with your friend

at the hotel last night.

[Napoleon] I assure you
you're making a mistake.

I don't know anything about it.
It's my friend, Davey.

He knows where it is,
if it exists, that is.

My friend is a big fibber.

I insist you tell me
where the treasure is.

[Napoleon]
It's useless asking me.

I only heard about it.

I told you you should ask Davey.

Davey's your man. Davey!

-Davey.
-Alright.

If that's the way you feel,
have it your way.

But it's a shame.
We could've become friends.

Garcia, are they hot?

Take a look, Garcia. Yes, you!

I'm sorry to have to resort
to such means,

but you asked for it,
you're too stubborn.

[laughs]

In a few seconds,

they'll be so tender
you could chew on them.

[Smith] Let's not overdo it.

But let's see how our hero
holds up.

You're a boy with guts.

And You've got
a lot of sense, too.

[Garcia] I hope he don't have
too much.

[laughs]

[Smith] Well, shut up,
and start!

[Garcia] I'd like
to have some fun.

[searing]

[wails]

[Smith]
What's the matter with you?

Get to work!

I said shut up, you idiot!

Paco! You take over!

Si, senior.

You make up your mind.

You've still got time.
It's your last chance to talk.

[Napoleon]
Why don't you ask Davey?

[inaudible]

[Smith] You blundering idiots!

Good for nothing!
I can't trust anyone.

You idiots!

I should have you hung up
by your feet

and skin you alive!

You stupide [inaudible]
Do something!

Come on! Get moving!
Do something quick!

Take him down!

And watch out,
his hands are untied.

[Smith] You goddam imbeciles!

[gunshot]

[chatter]

[inaudible]

[chatter]

Come on, bring him outside.

And keep an eye on him, Garcia.
You understand that?

[Garcia] Yes, boss.

[chatter]

Davey.

[speaking Spanish]

[chatter]

We got the gold.

[inaudible]

Well then?

I already told you.

I don't know anything
about this treasure.

Alright, you asked for it.

While we're waiting
for your memory to come back,

the firing squad will take
care of you.

And this will put an end
to it all.

[speaking Spanish]

What is this?

Did I hear you're looking
for a hidden treasure?

Who are you?

Answer my question, hombre.

And you, chico.

When you speak about this Davey,

Davey Crockett,
oh, that son of a--

Granny!

He was a friend of my husband.

Bueno. Entonces,

if I tell you
where the treasure is,

you free the chico, yes?

Yes.

We'll go by train.

Free the chico.

Uh-uh. Only after we find
the treasure.

He's lying! [speaking Spanish]

I think we have no other choice.

Let them kill me!

Don't tell him nothing!

Bonnie!

Don't try to get smart, friend.

Or I'll kill you.

And the old lady
and the girl, as well.

You can safely wait here
for your girl.

Take care of him.

Bring the woman along.

[speaking Spanish]

I'll see you later.

It'll take some time
to get the train engine started.

So in the meantime,

keep the town people
at a distance.

Bonnie!

And shoot that imbecile,

regardless of what I said
to the old lady.

[speaking in Spanish]

[chatter]

[Garcia] Stand up, boy!

This time, we won't waste
any time.

Right? Right?

Right.

Louder! Right?

-Right!
-Right.

Vamanos, amigos!

[speaking Spanish]

Don't be sad. Smile! Smile!
Look at me.

I'm smiling!

[speaking Spanish]

[laughs]

It's a happy moment.

Right?

[speaking Spanish]

Just what I need.

Shut the damn door.

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

Platoon, present arms!

Smile, gringo.

It's all in your honor
as if you are a great general.

[laughs]

Gringo, aren't you happy?

He isn't happy.

What do you want?

Ah, maybe he wants to express
his last wish.

Speak up, chico.
What do you want?

[Napoleon] Caviar.

[Garcia] Caviar hell,
you're a goddam fool.

Ready, aim, bye-bye. Fire!

[explosion]

[gunshots]

[Davey] That's it.

Thank you.

[speaking Spanish]

You'll find guns
in the trunk there.

[Napoleon]
Did you put them there?

Yep.

[upbeat music]

The way you're shooting,

we ain't going to get very far.

[gunshot]

[speaking Spanish]

He's hiding in there! Fire!

He's very slippery.

Huh?

He's slippery, I said.

Huh?

He's very slippery, I said!

You're just finding that out?

Hey, begone!

[Paco] Hey, boss.

Look what I bring.

You, go up on the roof
and throw this dynamite inside.

That damn fool gringo
will come out fast enough.

-Go!
-Andele!

Si, senior.

That damn gringo
is one dead [inaudible]

[yells]

Gringo, stick your head out
again!

You will pay for that.

Put the dynamite now!

[explosion]

[Paco] Wait for me!

[inaudible]

I wait for nobody!

Good heaves, not another one.

I'm Johnny Appleseed.
You seen Davey?

[Davey] Here I am.

Those darn bandits
have stolen the train

and getting away with the gold.

We gotta stop them.

They won't get very far.

Percos Bill has mined the bridge
over the canyon.

Once they're on it,

they'll explode in the air.

Oh, no, dammit.

Rosie and Katie
are on that train.

They'll blow up, too!

So what?

Apart from the fact
that mortals think different

about these things,

the old lady
knows where the treasure is.

No, no, no.
You can't go out that way.

If the crowd blocks you,
it's goodbye train.

Best leave through here.

Go ahead, boy. Out the window.

Steal a horse
and ride to the canyon.

Okay.

We'll meet you there.

Are you one of us?

Mm-hm.

Then you got to wear
the appropriate outfit

according to legend.

[groans]

You really want me to go around
dressed like that?

What can I say,

I look like a scarecrow.

Don't look bad after all,
does it?

[inaudible]
We want something to drink!

[waiter] Yes, sir.

...then we got our horses
and caught up with you.

And that is all, boss.

That's all? That's all!

You mean to tell me you let
that quack get away again?

God-dammit!

Well, let's forget all about it.

After all, we got the gold,

the old hen, and the young girl.

We'll force her to talk,
politely, of course,

since thanks to her,
we'll get awfully rich.

As for the gringo,

he can't possibly catch up
with us.

Ever again.

[Johnny singing]

[whistles]

[Smith] Listen. Prepare me
a tortilla and marmalade.

[speaking Spanish]

Right away, sir.

[speaking Spanish]

What was that?

The usual.

[man] Manuel, how is the steam?

[Manuel] It is good.

[man] Bueno, bueno.

It's about time.

[speaking Spanish]

Here we are, sir.

You stupid idiot!

Why is the train stopping?

What's going on here?

[soft guitar music]

Hey! Hey, boss!

There are some trees in the way.

Well, get rid of them!

But they're growing
right inside the tracks.

That's impossible.

They weren't there yesterday.

Get busy!

Use dynamite to blow
those damn trees away!

You idiot!

Some people! Some people.

[men speaking Spanish]

[Johnny] Bill! Bill!

Hey! Bill! Bill!

Bill, don't blow the bridge up!

It's ready!

No, no!

[Bill] Can't hear you!

I ain't got time to explain.
Don't blow the bridge up!

[Bill]
It'll be a beautiful explosion!

[upbeat music]

Bonnie!

Get grandma back.

Thank heavens
you're still alive!

[men speaking Spanish]

You better take cover!
Make it snappy!

This is all we needed.

You two go now.

-Leave me here.
-No, no!

-They won't harm me. Go now.
-No.

Here is too dangerous.
I've got to do something.

Bonnie, be careful!

Everything is ready, senior.

Get out of the way.

[Garcia] El gringo! El gringo!

Get him!

Here, take it.

It's about to explode,

I'd get rid of it if I was you.

Put it under
the couplings there.

Good. Underneath.

[Davey] Yeah, that's it.

[explosion]

What the hell's going on?

[Smith] I'll run into you again,
you damn gringo!

I'll find you even if I have
to go to hell to look for you!

Oh, whisky.

Who are you?

[laughs]

You're taking advantage of me
because you're a ghost!

If you were a real man,
[inaudible]

You happy?

So long, boys.

See you around real soon!

[explosion]

[funeral music]

[Garcia] Si, Paco.
Very slippery.

[Paco] Si, senior.

I forgot to tell you.

The bridge was mined.

Oh, shit!

[upbeat music]

[man] Napoleon sure got himself
a pretty wife, eh?

He sure knows how to pick them!

He knows how to look
for treasure, too.

Davey Crockett's treasure
was a thousand kegs of whisky.

Yeah, but he thought
they were full of gold!

What gold! Davey couldn't give
a gosh darn about gold.

He was capable of crossing
the entire country on foot

for a swig of booze.

A toast to good ole Davey!

I'll go along with that!

Hey, what happened to my whisky?

Hey, what is this, eh?

[men burping]

Yes, right away.

The customers are behaving
very well,

but that ghost friend
is exaggerating.

-He's exaggerating?
-Uh-huh. He pinches.

I said, "Davey, you old son
of a gun,

it's only water."

He made such a face as if
it was poison.

-Salute.
-[gunshot]

Somebody took my whiskey.

Come on now.

Better go home now.

You can't get drunk,
you can't shoot,

you can't do nothing. Ah!

[Napoleon's father]
As I was saying,

the Emperor told me:
if you ever have a son,

name him after me.

Are you gonna play
or not, Higgins?

Besides, you already told us
that story a hundred times.

Hey, don't get so upset.

After all, I'm telling you this
because I'm proud of my son.

Ugh. What do you have?

Here you are, fellers.
Four aces.

I've got five aces.

Ah. I've got six aces.

I win.

No, just a second.

I have eight.

I think someone's cheating.

Oh, no. It's a matter of skill.

As the Emperor used to say--

Oh, not the Emperor again.

Hey, boys. How about some music?

-Right?
-Right.

♪ Midnight ghost♪

♪ Who sang in the moonlight♪

♪ sings legends of those
Who lived at Alamo♪

♪ Midnight ghost♪

♪ Who played by moonlight♪

♪ Sings to the heroes♪

♪ Of a world
That died at Alamo♪

[ending song]