Family Reunion: A Relative Nightmare (1995) - full transcript

Hi. I'm Billy.

Billy Dooley.

That's me. I'm asleep.

I hate to start this whole thing
off in a state of unconsciousness

but I was having this weird
dream about my relatives.

For some reason we were all on the beach

playing volleyball.

Look Joe, our grandson Billy Dooley.

Come here and give your
grandma a great big kiss.

No, grandma is OK.

Throw yourself into the game boy.



You're not gonna embarrass yourself
in front of people like you did last year.

No, I promise grandpa.
It won't happen again.

Of course not, not with moves like yours.

Sorry, hurt your Billy?

Only when I breathe.

No, cousins.

Don't worry.
It's okay for second cousins to kiss.

I want my piggy back ride.

Wanna lick my Popsicle?

No, thank you.

Pimples. I gotta kiss those pimples.

- Hello Billy
- Meema.

Mom, dad. This is hell.

Honey, they're just happy to see you.



They sure are, son.

That's right.

- And you know who's dying to see you?
- Who aunt Margaret?

Your cousin Mark.

Come here Billy, see.

No, not Mark Jr.

Hurt your Billy?

I'm gonna get you Billy.

You have our attention now Billy.

What is it?

Nothing, I'm fine.

You think that dream was insane?

You should see some of the
others I've been having this week.

If you ever been to a family reunion,
I'm sure you can relate.

My family, the Dooley’s, have
these dreaded events every year.

By now, you'd think we'd know better.

He's even more uptight
about this thing than you are.

Grace. I'm not uptight.

Really?

Why are you driving on
the wrong side of the road?

This is good. This is really good.

We've been on the road two hours yet

it feels like two weeks.

Mom, a suggestion. We could turn
back the clock, turn around and go home.

- Got my vote.
- I'm there.

Kevin.

It is your grandmother's 100th birthday,
we told everyone we're going.

We're committed.

Believe me, after a weekend
with my family we will be.

Dad, I told Keith I would call him.

Yeah, but every ten minutes?

Dad, come on.

I told you a hundred times.

If you're gonna talk to Keith.

You get a job. You get a car.
You get a car phone.

- Why are you yelling at her?
- I'm not yelling at her.

- Now you're yelling at me.
- Because you're yelling at me.

You know why everyone's yelling?

Because we're driving to the murky
depths from which there is no return.

They made disguises in this reunion but
all these people want do is compete,

show each other up and put each other down.
Why are we putting ourselves through this?

Because

we are family.

If someone would have given me a
choice between parting with my relatives

or spending the weekend
in a maggot infested barrel.

The maggots would have won hands down.

Some of you may think I'm overreacting

just wait.

Isn't that the exact same
position we left them in last year?

The only thing that's changed is they
filed down the horns of Mark Jr.'s head.

How much time do you think I'd get about
knocked them over like bowling pins.

A lot if I testify against you.

Say hello.

Hello sister.

OK, here's how it works.

I cannot stand my cousin Mark Jr.

My dad is not too fond of Mark senior,

my mom is not exactly
thrilled with aunt Margaret.

My sister

she hates them all.

Well

if it isn't my brother
and his lovely family.

I didn't think you'd show.

Why would you think that sister?

Shall I list the reasons?

No, don't.

We're just here to have
a good time this year.

I'm glad you're here

makes things a little
more competitive.

Very little.

So, moron.

Are you gonna humiliate
yourself again this year?

Stuff it Mark.

Clever.

With that steel trap of a mind of yours
that I heard get you thrown back

into summer school.

- Smooth move.
- Thank you.

Race you to the front door.

My brother hasn't got a chance.

Kevin don't do it.

I can beat him, he's on a bike.

That's not the point.

Yes, it is.

He's cheating.

And this surprises you?

I can't believe it.

Pretty good driving there, pal.

I hope you're not too tired
later for a round of golf.

See you.

Don't worry dad.

Maybe he'll get a massive
coronary like on Ethel's first husband.

That's not a very nice thing to say.

No, but it's optimistic.

Alright.

Let's get this over with.

Let's go.

Jeez, did I hurt you?

No.

No, that's all right.
It happens all the time.

Welcome to Jameson Bluffs.

I'm Donald Jameson, your concierge.

I'll get the boy to help
you with your bags.

Douglas!

Hello, I'm bellhop Douglas.

Welcome to Jameson Bluffs.

How may I help you take your bags?

How how did you do that?

Do what?

Never mind.

It's a nice place in here.

Welcome to the Jameson Bluffs.

A family run resort.

I think family run is
the operative word here.

Yes.

Mom, don't you think
that's a little creepy?

You want creepy?

Turn around.

Boo-Boo. Cuddles.

Aunt Kate,
don't call us that we're not kids anymore

To me you'll always be Boo-Boo and Cuddles.

Isn't that right?

You're right aunt Kate.

Cute?

So cute.

Billy, I'm so glad you're here.
Your cousins have been dying to see you.

Every family has a few

losers cousins.

Unfortunately, all of
mine fit that description

Billy.

Want a piece of gum?

What are you worried about?

I don't got cooties.

I want a piggyback ride right now.

Later, later.

Look.

I get the complete mint stamp
collection of the Elvis commemorative.

Greg still doesn't talk

just like aunt Seal.

She didn't say giddily squad
until her first communion

and then you couldn't shut her up.

Yada yadada. Right?

Yada yadada Greg.

Can you say yada yadada?

William.

Hello William.

Amber, it's good to see you again.

I've grown up William.

Can't you tell?

I can actually.

My dad needs help with the bags.

But I need help too.

Smell me William.

It's obsession.

It certainly is.

I know you've been
uncomfortable in the past

but great news.

I've done all the research.

Second cousins can propagate.

Amber, you're very weird.

I can't help it.

You bring out my dark side.

Through your left you will notice
the children's recreation area.

And to you're right you
will notice a fully equipped

heated pool

loaded with water.

They're your parents.

They're your parents. There's your father.

- Say hello.
- Do I have to?

You better think of something,
here they come.

Douglas, could you stop the car please?

Thanks.

Great darling.

Daddy.

Kevin, give your mom a big kiss.

And look at that boy and
how much he's grown.

Connie, you are so beautiful.

I love you both.

Well, come on you too say hello.

They hadn't spoken in a long time

so getting them to say hello is like
getting rid of a pimple on prom night.

Hello.

Hello.

See. That wasn't so hard, was it?

As a matter of fact it was.

Now that I think about it.

I take the hello back.

You know your father,
he doesn't mean anything he says.

Yeah, except in my case.

So.

Where's the guest of honor?

Meema, she's lying down
for her afternoon nap.

Are you sure she's asleep?

You never can be sure with that one.

But I did lock her in.

Yeah.

What did I do with that key?

I think I've lost it.

Here we go.

This will be your home for a while.

I hope you enjoy your lagoon view.

And your television set.

It will be cable compatible

with 105 channels except for
some reason it doesn't get channel 2.

I don't know why.
Crazy day.

But I certainly hope you enjoy
your commendations here

at the fabulous Jameson Bluffs.

Thank you.

Welcome.

I just put some fresh
towels in your bathroom.

If there's anything you need

I'm Donna

and if there's anything you
don't need I'm still Donna.

Thank God we're not
at their family reunion.

How clever, Margaret and Mark
have made up a whole itinerary.

Golf.

Tennis.

Volleyball. 500 meter swim?

Only thing they left out is the luge.

Wrong honey, look,
page three you missed it.

10:30 Sunday.

My back is hurting just thinking about it.

I'm gonna need a chiropractor.

Connie, get off the phone.

He's not home.

Where else would he
be on a Friday afternoon?

He'll probably went to the movies

with Mary Ellen Jenkins.

The first time I saw her

it was like

a fantasy

a mist filled vision.

The real fun begins

in 20 minutes

at the family reception.

In an instant the vision was gone

and so was the mist.

Just put a bullet in me now.

It's your family.

The Dooley's.

A proud and prosperous clan.

Who over the centuries
fell into two categories.

Crooks

and lawyers

and the occasional
disgruntled postal worker.

Every year my aunt Kate

would recount the stories of
every generation in minute detail

and I, every year, would
follow in my own tradition

of making shadow
puppets while she talked

Then in 1668

Ezekiel Dooley

became the first Dooley to reach America

aboard the prison ship Oglethorpe

landing in the penal colony in Georgia.

His son

Zachariah

carried on the family tradition

by being the first person in the original
13 colonies to be convicted of horse theft.

What an incredible family history.

I'm swelling with pride.

Makes me want to go out and

hold up a convenience store.

That's not funny.

No, it's genetics.

use of religious objects.

As I look out among
our ever-growing clan

I am filled with pride

and just

a touch of sadness.

God.

I hope she doesn't do the
I only wish I had children's speech.

I only wish that I

I could have had children.

It's alright. I'm fine.

Anyway.

You will see.

You are all my children.

And that's why I'm
looking forward to spending

some time with each and
every one of you this year.

That's the way to celebrate

a Dooley milestone.

Our Meema's 100th birthday.

Knock it off.

Sit down.

Big deal I'm old

and I hate to burst your
bubble but I'm only 98.

So don't rush me.

And who do I have to kill
to get an ice tea in this joint?

Thank you.

And now I'd like to turn the floor
over to Margaret's husband Mark.

A Dooley in-law

and a fine lawyer in his own right who will
go over tomorrow's family Olympic events.

Come on Mark.

Thank you.

Thank you all very much. We have a
very exciting day planned for you tomorrow

and as I look at the

overwhelming number of you who've
signed up on these registration sheets.

I can see how truly pumped

you all are.

What kind of person
describes people as pumped?

You're looking at him, honey.

This year's new event
the luge competition.

Radical little trouble getting the
city to cooperate, they don't know...

It was at this moment that I was amazed to
find that I was actually glad I was here.

I'd never seen anything like her.

I had to meet her.

Talk to her.

Nothing could stop me.

You're not going anywhere.

Nothing except mom.

Sit.

Mom, I just want to

Sit.

Sit, I just want to sit.

You're including Tom Dooley.

Don't hang your head down pal,
we're happy you're here

But there is one Dooley family
who's not represented on this list and

when you recall their
performance at last year's event.

It's not surprising.

He's just trying to get to you

do not react.

How can I not react to that?

Because you promised me you wouldn't.

Your family is a bunch of wusses.

Mom, is it okay if I react?

Neither of you.

Kevin never did have any guts.

Why can't you just forgive and forget?

Because that's not what I do.

But maybe that the

unnamed family could be persuaded
to participate if we added an event

which they felt they might excel.

How does concussion volleyball sound?

No, not last year.
Why did you have to bring up last year?

Alright.

Aim for their weakest link.

- Billy?
- Right.

Yeah, one more point

and we win. Win.

- Win.
- Win.

Win!

I got it.

Mom?

Meanwhile, back at the
banquet of humiliation.

And maybe we can play every event
this year until somebody gets K.O.

I don't know what it was

some uncontrollable urge just
took hold of me and before I knew it

I was on my feet and a voice I didn't
recognize come out of my mouth.

We're in!

Good.

And we're gonna kick your butts!

Yes, we were strong.

We were proud.

And we had no idea what
we were getting ourselves into.

OK, come on Billy
time to hit the floor pal.

I thought I was dreaming

then when I realized I wasn't.

A nightmare really began.

We're in training.

- Let's go.
- Honey.

This is supposed to be a vacation,
not boot camp

You're forgetting sweetheart,
a Dooley reunion

is boot camp.

Let's go, come on.

Everybody.

I'm a Dooley and I'm proud.

Come along and shout a lot.

Dad, I'm exhausted.

Don't worry,
I got something to wake you up.

Charge!

Let's go, come on

into the water.

Everybody.

This is gonna be fun.

Here we go.

It's cold.

Don't go in there. Don't go in.

Don't go in.

And one, two, three.

And one, and two

three

Keep moving.

Follow me, let's go.

Why do I feel like this is
a metaphor for my life?

No pain, no gain.

What idiot came up with?

I think I might have some idea.

Eat this!

One of the huge preoccupations
of my life was trying to figure out

when exactly I would be considered old
enough not to have to sit at the dreaded

kids table.

This looks like your dog.

I'm dying.

Save a coffin for me.

Look what I made out of my eggs.

- Are you hungry Billy?
- Thank you no.

I'm just gonna stick
with my cheese Danish.

Billy take a look at this.

I caught him in the bushes last night.

You want to help me dissect him later?

I...

I don't do lizards.

Hi.

How you doing?

Good, glad to hear it.

Yeah? Great.

Look, Haley's coming. Look, look.

Why does he keep staring at me?

Is he like a moony or something?

- He really likes you Billy.
- Really?

How can you tell?
Is he like

blinking in Morse code?

A grandmother can tell.

Wave goodbye Greg.

- Bye Greg.
- Bye.

I'm sorry you have to put up
with these children William.

Why do we get together later for more

adult activities.

My dad's card is full Amber.

I'm not talking about dancing.

I gotta go, I mean that literally.

I gotta run.

I gotta go to a race

in a few minutes.

Bye.

There she is again.

What would you do?

You'd follow her.

Am I right?

Look, there she goes.

Do I look like I need a seeing-eye dog?

So, what do we do?

We wait.

For what?

Excuse me sir.

Ma’ams.

As I was soon to find out.

I wouldn't be the only one
looking for this mysterious girl.

Kid.

What for can I do you?

Would you like a massage?

Would you like a herbal wrap?
Maybe a salt rub? What do you say?

No thanks, I'm just waiting for somebody.

Just waiting for someone.

Why don't you wait for someone somewhere
else? If you know what I'm saying.

Spa. Dave speaking.

Hi cousin Donald. How are you?

What?

No. The 26th. I don't know.

It looks OK to me, but it's only me.

Yeah, I can call cousin Thomas.

No, you may not want him.
He's a little funny.

Alright, now relax. You're not relaxing

Let it out.

Now.

Goodbye Samantha Avondale.

Face to face at last.

Excuse me,
do you realize you're in the women's spa?

Yeah, well I'm

I'm sorry, I was just looking for somebody.

Who?

Well, she's about your height,
your hair color

You're her.

All right, who sent you?

Well.

My cool line would be

destiny.

An even cooler line would be

get lost.

No.

Destiny was cooler.

Will you stop following me?

I just wanna talk.

- I'm stuck in this boring family.
- I'm sorry.

I don't have time to cry for you,
I've got problems of my own.

What are you doing?

This is no time to be scoping out guys.

But Jacquelyn, that guy looks familiar.

To you, every guy looks familiar.

True or false, you're one of
those people who can't take a hint?

True, I am unrelentingly persistent
it's one of my better qualities.

Let me help you with your pack here.

- Give me that.
- Come on, it looks heavy.

- Let me help.
- No.

- If anyone needs help it's you.
- Wait.

- Now leave me alone.
- Look, I just...

You see,
I told you that guy looked familiar.

She wasn't a guy at all he was a she.

Will you just drive?

Great, this is just great.

- Drive.
- I am driving.

- She's getting away.
- No, we've got her.

Hop on.

Normally I don't take rides from strangers
but in this case I'll make an exception.

- They're moving. I'm going.
- Can't you even catch a bicycle?

- Go, go. They're going away.
- I'm going. I'm going.

Excuse me, coming through.

Samantha.

- Are you crazy?
- Yeah.

Move away.

Go. Get her.

Look out.

What the...

Don't you dare.

Come on. Come on.

Sorry I was so mean before,
I kind of have a lot of my mind.

Who are those girls? Why are they
after you? Why are you dressing up?

What are you?
The cub reporter for the daily planet?

- Just call me curious.
- Call me out of here.

Wait, wait a second.

- Well, thanks...
- Billy.

Sam.

Come here.

We're just about to start Meema.

Hi Meema.
How you doing?

Just perfect.

You keep me prisoner in the attic room

then once a year you parade
me out for all the relatives

in the hot sun hoping I'll kill over
and you can get the inheritance

Meema.

Can you say a thing like that?

When you're as old as I am you
can call them as you see them.

So don't mess with me.

OK. Bye.

He's not showing up,
I can't believe he's not showing up.

Just relax, will you?

It's bad for him to have a nervous
breakdown before the start of the race.

You're missing a teammate.

They still have to forfeit.

Your family.

- Give me that.
- Come back here.

It's such a shame Billy's not here.

Just like his father.

Never there when you need him.

Ready?

On your Mark.

Get set.

Go.

There is Billy.

Are you alright?

Jacquelyn, what do we do now?

We wait till she gets
off the bike, Raffiella.

Good thinking.

God, I could go for a nice latte right now.

How about you?

What?

What?

Look who's here.

Where were you?

I was practicing my pedaling technique.

Who's the ornament?

This? This is a...

cousin Bernice.

That's Bernice?

Aunt Patricia's Bernice?

She filled out.

Well, California will do that for you.

Hi everyone, mom says to say hi.

Let's go.

Just a word of advice.

If you want to win a race

don't pick up any passengers.

And you are?

I'm Bernice.

You remember

Aunt Patricia's daughter.

If you're Bernice.

I'm Michael Jackson.

Really?

Where's Lisa Marie?

She filled out in California.

Yeah.

Also had some major
plastic surgery on her face.

Well, you would know about that Michael.

By the way, I loved "Thriller".

She loved "Thriller". Bye Mike.

Sweetheart, are you okay?

Do you need anything? Some water?

CPR?

All of the above.

Some of these people's been
training for this for months.

I must be out of my mind.

I know sweetie that's why I love you.

Not to close.

My stomach's a little unsettled.

We were supposed to let them win,
remember? Build their confidence.

Yeah, but not on the first event.
It's too obvious.

I know how you hate to lose but if we don't

we are never going to get away with this.

15 serving lot.

Hell of a birthday.

Watching the stinking
ball bounce back and forth.

What mental midget
thought I would like this?

40 lot.

That mouth of hers is the reason
my father died a young man.

I heard that Joe.

She hears everything.

Who says your senses are supposed to fade?
Mine are getting better.

I think I broke it.

Well, it's not broken but
you're gonna have to stay off it.

Hi.
I'm Dale Jameson, tennis pro.

You're a Jameson?

Asked my father.

Hello son.

But you're not weird.

I mean, you're normal.

Thanks, my father says
I'm a freak of nature.

Well, let's hear for the freaks.

Gee, that is a bad break.

Not that I wish anything

broke, you know.

It must be wonderful to have a
completely inappropriate way with words.

There goes your partner.

Looks like another loss.

Loser.

Even though you lost 15, love.

Love will keep us together.

I'll take her place.

Who's she with my man?

She claims she is Bernice.

You play?

I blow the ball back and
forth before on the coast.

Okay.

Your serve.

Play tough.

I hope you know what you're doing.

Just give me the ball.

She wasn't just good.

She was grand slam material.

I think you've done a
little more than a lot.

I will rip those freckles
off your face one by one.

I got it covered.

And she slammed into oblivion.

Boom.

Boom.

What happened?

Boom.

Game set. Match.

Alright.

Billy.

We did it. Thank you.

No problem, cousin.

Welcome to the family.

Thanks.

Do you have to make it look so damn bad?

This is a good thing, all right?

That puts Kevin Dooley

and Margaret Dooley McKenna
at an exact tie.

Now the winner of the sudden death game

will determine the winner of
the Dooley family Olympics.

So proud of you. You did a great
job throwing the 100 meter swim.

And losing the full-court basketball.

Now, go in there for the kill.

How are you?

Pretty lucky so far.

Luck had nothing to do with it.

Pure skill.

You think you got a shot of winning this?

I don't think. I know.

Scared to make a little wager?

How much?

Not money, just a..

Friendly bet, you know,

for

let's see, let's say...

loser takes Meema home.

You're wagering my
grandmother on a volleyball game?

It's just what I thought,
choking the clutch.

Wait a minute. I never choke.

You're on.

Fine.

Did you hear that?

They're betting on me.

I didn't hear anything.

Swear I can hear what people
are saying the other side of town.

Okay, dad

plan your position and
this time keep your head up.

Don't worry Billy,
this time we're gonna kill them.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Really good to know you guys
aren't taking this thing too serious.

- Of course not. Yes.
- Yes.

Kill them.

Billy. Billy.

All right, it's okay. All right.

Now, you're probably too
young to remember this

but I used to babysit
you when you were young

You did?

Sure.

I'd rock you in my arms
and you'd drool on my dress.

Well, you know, I still have
a slight drooling problem.

Guess what, so do I.

Star.

I can't stand this.
It's just like last year.

It's better than last year,
nobody got hit in the head yet.

Star.

Can we just grab her
now and get out of here?

All of these tourists give me the creeps.

No.

We have to wait until
the tourists are gone.

Then we take her.

Star.

Poor Kevin.

He's going to be so
upset if he loses again.

Why do you people put
yourselves through this craziness?

Because we're Dooley’s.

You know that.

Yeah.

Right.

Go boys.

- Out.
- Yes.

It's good. It's a good game.

Come on guys, we're almost there,
hang in there.

Show no mercy.

- Win.
- Win.

- Win.
- Win!

This was my moment.

I knew it.

Everyone knew it.

Yes.

- I did it
- You did it.

How can you do that?

It's one thing about fantasy

they always come back to reality.

Winner McKennas.

Loser.

Yes.

I don't believe it.

How could you miss that shot?

Take it easy Kevin.
You've missed plenty of shots.

Not a shot like that.

You completely lost concentration.

Dad, I'm sorry.

I don't believe it.

Honey, it's just a game.

Billy, he doesn't mean it, he's just...

No, he's right I...

I blew it again.

No, you didn't honey.

Yeah.

You win some, you lose some.

And you lost this one buddy.

But, you know what?

You did win yourself a
lovely consolation prize.

You can pick her up tonight

right after the birthday cake.

Well brother.

She drove mom and dad crazy for years and

I did my time.

Now it's your turn.

Good luck.

They don't want me

I don't want them.

What was that all about?

Well, I...

made a bet.

Meema's going to come to live with us.

Good.

We could take much better
care of her than they could.

Now, go talk to Billy.

Thanks.

I don't know how you put up with me.

That makes two of us.

Go.

You can imagine how
I felt at this moment.

And the last thing I needed
was Mark Jr. in my face.

Nice going.

Loser.

Dead.

Come on, break it up.

Break it up.

- Are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay.

Billy.

Look, about the game I was

- completely out of...
- I don't want to hear it, dad.

I just don't want to hear it.

Billy.

I know it probably doesn't do any
good to say I know how you feel.

I know how you feel.

When I got into into cheerleading.

My dad was really proud of me.

On the night of the championship game,
he was there on the stands.

We're doing this cheer where
you have to spin around in a circle.

And I hear the crowd starting to laugh

and, you know,
I don't pay any attention to them.

Until I realized the safety pin
holding up my skirt had come undone.

I looked down,
I'm doing a high kick in my underwear.

Most humiliating
moment of my entire life.

I look up in the stands and

my dad's up there

flipping out

totally freaked.

So what happened?

Nothing.

When dad was mad at me
he never said anything.

I wish he would have yelled
or said something, anything.

When he died.

I was the one that was mad.

There are so many
things I wanted to tell him

and so many things I know
he wanted to tell me.

Kevin.

- Kevin.
- Don't race.

I've learned one great lesson.

After 40 years of living with a Dooley man.

They need stewing time.

So let them stew.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

Like father like son.
Like son like father.

Like father like son.

The family's been here for 400 years.

And they keep passing down the
same legacy of pride and stupidity.

And not necessarily in that order.

It's like an endless
marathon on a vicious cycle.

Yeah, and it's high time Joe
and Kevin got off their bikes.

Is this wishful thinking?

Or, do you have plan?

Honey, I always have a plan.

Yeah.

Billy, come and play with us.

I can't today, I'm booked. Sorry.

Billy.
I can't stand that girl.

Billy, want to go find some red ants?

I can't. I did that yesterday.

Billy, want to catch?

I can't. My tendons are weaken.

Are they your cousins?

Yeah, don't make eye contact.

Let go of her.

- Time to go home sister.
- Is your sister?

Step sisters.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Look.

Billy's in trouble.

- Get away.
- Come on.

I'm not letting any more chicks
come between me and my man.

Get them!

Yeah!

Thanks Greg.

You think they'll be okay?

Who? The kids or my evil stepsisters?

So.

Why are they after you?

When my dad died.

My stepmother did this
whole Cinderella thing.

Suddenly I'm like

in the attic talking to mice and
they're going to the prince concerts.

So, you ran away?

I do it like every other week.

They always find me.

I ran away once.

When I was five

I got all the way to the corner

and I realized I wasn't
allowed to cross the street.

So I did what any sensible
five-year-old would do, I...

turn around and went right back home.

You're lucky.

If I have your family.

I wouldn't go anywhere either.

I'll tell you, if I was gonna run away

this would be the day to do it.

See what a bad influence I am on you.

No. No.

It's not you.

Trust me, it's not your problem it's mine.

Doing really well for someone
who thought her ankle was broken.

You healed it, your magic touch.

Billy.

Billy, may I cut in?

I'm not dancing Amber.

But if you do dance.

Be warned, I'm cutting in.

Can I talk to you son?

Excuse us Bernice.

Back off Jezebel.

I'm really sorry about what
I said about you this afternoon.

You played a great game.

No, I didn't. I sucked. Don't patronize me.

Well, allow me to make my case.

Don't bother.

Guilty as charge counselor.

I take it that didn't go too well.

No, he's furious with me

after I blamed him.

Just have to figure
out a way to talk to him.

Why don't you start by
practicing on your father?

Now Joe.

Talk to your son.

You know what?

What?

You're getting a little thin up there.

Well, you're pretty sparse yourself.

That's it I'm getting out of here.

I think we'd better switch to plan B.

Everything all right Meema?

The best.

How could it be otherwise?
You can just feel the love in this room.

Good, because we going to start now.

I'm gonna start now too.

Settle down everyone.

Kids quiet.

The first point of business

is to present

the trophy

to the winner of this
year's family Olympics

Margaret,

Mark and Mark Jr.

Come on up.

On behalf of Mark and Mark Jr. we want
to thank you. We owe you all a great deal.

Because if you hadn't lost

we couldn't have won.

It's hard to believe you're
from the same family.

No, it isn't.

And now let's bring up
grandpa Joe and grandma Dotty.

Come on.

Now, let's cut through it.

You all know why you came here tonight.

To honor my mother.

Who, in one way or another,
is related to all of you.

I can't make a great speech but I
don't make great speeches off the cuff.

So.

I wrote something down.

M is for the many years
you've been on this planet.

O is for other people your
age who are no longer with us.

T is for time which
somehow you have beaten.

H is for your health

which is a constant amazement to me.

E is for your energy

which is more than people

Are you sure that she's
got all her bags packed?

R is for reinforces.

Where is she?

Don't need to worry.
She's sitting right over there.

Have another look.

for another 100 years.

What would you expect? Shakespeare?

And now is the perfect time

for all of us to sing.

All right.

You bring out the cake.

All right everybody.

For she's a jolly good Meema.

For she's a jolly good Meema.

For she's a jolly good Meema.

Happy birthday to you.

Again everybody.

Could you bring that cake up?

For she's a jolly good Meema.

She's gone.

Meema is gone.

Joe. Where is she Joe?

How could they lose a 100 year old woman?

Good question.

Okay folks, we're about to
take our special sunset flight.

Let's go before the sun goes down,
and remember.

Safety first and foremost.

It's the most important
thing no matter what.

I always wanted to take a
ride in one of those things.

Sorry ma'am, but this balloon's
already been chartered.

For more than this?

Hop on.

You folks next, okay?
I'll get to you next please.

Backup. Okay, here we go.

There you go.

Watch your step.

All right.

Okay, give me a minute
and let me untie these, OK?

OK.

What happens if a I pull this?

The balloon goes down.

And this?

It goes up.

That's all I needed to know.

Don't. My god.

No, I'm gonna search for this.

Lady don't.

We're talking fun.

No.

We gotta find her.

Meema.

People, let's not lose our heads now.

We have to stay together, I know
what I'm talking about I was in the army.

Enough.

Mark give it up, all right?

Why are we running?

I thought we wanted to get rid of her.

Not like this.

Don't you have eyes?

Well, we see them now mother.

Do I have to come down there myself?
Can't you do a simple kidnapping?

We've been trying.

So, what's the problem?

She's claiming to be these
people's long-lost cousin

We just can't get to her.

That lying little brat.

All of her relatives are dead.

And if they weren't.

Ladies.

Ladies?

I think I might be able to help.

- One of her dead relatives?
- No, I don't know who that is.

Well, find out.

- Who are you?
- Yeah.

The family's Dooley.

Dooley?

And I'd turn my own mother in for a price.

Okay.

I'll take the back nine,
you take the clubhouse.

Billy.

I'm really enjoying being a Dooley.

Meema.

Meema.

Meema.

I heard you.

Why does everybody have to scream?

When they want to talk to me.

Meema?

Where are you?

Right in front of your face.

What are you doing?

I had to wait almost 100
years to have this much fun.

Fortunately, you don't have to.

Come on, get in.

I can't.
People are looking all over for you.

I'm going to get you back
to the banquet Meema.

Meema.

Hop, hop and away.

So long suckers.

I suddenly knew what Dorothy felt like

but I was in no mood to take a trip to Oz.

Did you find him?

He's not anywhere.

I left him alone for two minutes.

Well, he's a big boy.

He can take care of himself.

I'm calling the cops.

Wait a minute just

calm down for a moment, will you?

I'm lieutenant Jameson,
the house detective.

And I have complete confidence
that I can bring this woman back.

In one piece.

But my son is missing also.

All right then,
I'll bring them back in two pieces.

And what makes you so
sure you can find anybody?

Well, I haven't lost a guest yet.

No, untrue.

There was one but he wasn't a guest.

He was a magician

and he was playing the luau lounge.

Well.

It's too bad.

It would have been a great trick.

Why am I not comforted by this?

Honey, I'm sure he's going to be okay.

Don't worry. Look.

The best thing you can do

is just get some sleep, relax

and let the professionals

do our thing.

Where are you going?

I'm certainly not going to
wait for lieutenant dumbo here.

I'm looking for Meema myself.

Where?

Everywhere.

If anything happens to Meema.

I'll never forgive you.

Me?

You wanted to get rid
of her as much as I did.

I wanted her to move in with Kevin.

I didn't want her to become an
episode of Unsolved Mysteries.

Are you going to stand there?
Or are you coming?

I'm coming.

You heard your mother.

- Wait. What's going on?
- I can't talk.

- Move it Mark.
- Get out of here.

That was the best night of my life

and the dawn

those colors.

I could stay up here forever.

Yeah, me too.

But, don't you think we
should be getting back?

Back to what?

A bunch of loudmouth blowhards

who only think about themselves.

This is what it's all about.

Flying high free as a pelican.

Well, even pelicans have to eat.

I'm starving.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Breakfast is being served.

How do you like your chocolate?

Light or dark?

Yes.

Thank you.

Good news people, we know where they are.

Spit it out.

They're a couple of
thousand feet up in the air.

Wait, what are you talking about?

Well, according to our cabana boy.

Raoul.

A hot air balloon

was hijacked yesterday by a woman answering
to the description of your grandmother.

Who later abducted

a teenage boy on the 14th Fairway,
isn't that right Raoul?

Well.

At least they're together.

Yeah, that's true.

I don't know whether
that's a blessing or a curse.

Well, which way were they going?

Due west.

I'm gonna wait here in
case they come back here.

Don't worry, I'll find her.

- Be careful.
- OK.

Kevin. Kevin.

You got room for another passenger?

- Sure mom, come on.
- Not me.

Him.

I don't want to hear a word, I mean it.

Now, you get in there.

How did you get him to do that?

My usual threat.

Which is?

He does what I tell him

or I stopped programming the VCR for him.

Bernice.

Why don't you come with me honey?

- I could sure use the help.
- I'd love to.

Come on, hop in.

Seat belt on.

Was that a breakfast or what?

Definitely the breakfast of champions.

When I was a kid

I used to eat by weight in candy.

In fact I ate my weight in everything.

The word junk food
hadn't been invented yet.

A good thing too.

Because that's all I ever ate.

Between you and me.

I raid Margaret freezer every
night just to get out the ice cream

and everybody always blames Mark Jr.

Why don't you just tell him it's you?

Why?

I like to see that kid squirm.

And then everybody
gets into a big argument.

You enjoy watching them fight?

Well, if they didn't fight
they'd never talk to each other.

I'm just helping them communicate.

You see Billy

all those people down there

every one of them

has problems with their families

that drives them up the wall

and it all gets so important,

they forget what really is.

So that's why you have to
eat all the ice cream you can

while you can still
sink your teeth into it.

I think you're trying to tell me
something, aren't you Meema?

No.

If I wanted to say something direct.

I'd say talk to your father.

Like your father should talk to his father

and his father should talk to me.

But if I talk direct to anybody,
do you think they'd listen to me?

No.

It's a lot more fun just
stealing their ice cream.

Say. Look at that.

Everybody's naked.

It's a nudist colony.

Let's buzz them.

Take a right up there.

Why?

We don't know where we're going.

My instinct says take a right.

Yeah, but your instinct could be wrong.

But it could be right.

Why are you so afraid of making a mistake?

You just want to go in
the direction you're going in

because that's the
direction you're going in.

No dad, I'm not afraid
to go in another direction.

Right and take half my clients with you.

Look, when I left the
practice I didn't take anybody.

They chose to come with me,
you were the one who was afraid to change.

All right, so I'm not afraid anymore.

Okay?

Wait a minute.

Are you admitting you were wrong?

Will you make a right?

Please.

Look, it's her.

Where is she going?

What am I? A mind reader?

Follow her.

Aunt Kate,
do you mind if I change the radio?

Go ahead dear.

I love rap.

You're kidding, right?

Well, not at all.
I like the beat and the social commentary.

You know aunt Kate.

You're really cool.

No.

I'm fresh.

If you're gonna walk the
walk you got to talk the talk.

Are you down with that?

You bet.

What is it?

Nothing.

Aunt Kate, do you think I could drive?

You know, I have my learner's permit
but my mom never has time to take me.

I don't see why not.

Thanks.

She's pulling over.

I can see that.

- What is she doing?
- What does it look like they're doing?

Well, it looks like she's
going to go out and drive

and then the older
woman is going to get into...

Follow her.

Okay. Okay.

Teacher, this is driver's education.

Look.

Everyone's going the other way.

What do we do now?

What do I look like? The auto club?

Get out of the car.

No.

Witch.

Not bad?

Not bad at all.

I wouldn't get so excited.

Another few years and
gravity will attack them too.

It'll take a forklift to keep their
butts from hitting the ground.

Meema, speaking of gravity
I think we got a problem here.

We're out of gas.

- Look, there they are.
- Where?

Over there.

Look.

Sam, we got a break-in.

People wearing clothes.

That's right, I repeat,
people wearing clothes.

Nothing brings a family closer
together than a stint in the big house.

In fact,

this is the most time any of us had
spent together in one place in years.

Let us out of here, you dirty rats.

I've always wanted to be able to say that.

I'm thrilled that somebody's
having a good time.

A nudist colony.

I've never seen so many...

Neither have I.

Well, I hope not young lady.

What's the matter with you?

Bodies are beautiful no
matter what shape they're in.

Considering the last time I worked out was

I have to say that.

How about some grub back here,
this place isn't fit for dogs.

Jeez lady.

Put a lid on it.

We didn't get any sleep last night.

You shouldn't be sleeping,
you should be working on a jailbreak plan.

I want to hear shovels digging a tunnel.

Let's go.

Maybe someone give
us a cake with a file in it.

You think this is funny?

I want to go to law school, pal.

This might go on my permanent record.

How depressed will I be when the
world is deprived of one less slimy lawyer.

Wise guy, this whole thing is your fault.

- His fault?
- Yeah.

- How is it his fault?
- Because he encouraged her.

He went along for the ride instead
of trying to talk some sense into her.

Have you tried talking sense to Meema?

Don't mouth off to me.

That's right.

Who said sense is such a good thing?

Well, he just should
have stopped it, that's all.

Look dad, things happen all right.

Somebody isn't always to blame.

He try so hard to control everybody.

Instead of just seeing who they are

and just loving them for it.

Look, don't lecture me, all right?

Well, somebody's gotta talk to you.

Just because people don't
do what you want them to do.

Doesn't mean they're wrong.

It just means they're...

people.

Thanks dad.

No, thank you.

Sometimes a father can learn from his son.

Why don't you just kiss
him and get it over with?

And you too Joe.

Get your butt off that
bunk and get in there.

Alright, the old lady's got a point but

I don't want anyone kissing me.

Come on, plant one right here buddy.

Yeah.

All right Dooley’s.

Come on out, you made bail.

Too bad.

I was really hoping for a dramatic escape.

- We made it.
- Thank you brother.

Thank you.

I'm gonna take a nice hot shower.

Look, I just want you all to know I do
expect to be reimbursed for the bail, OK?

Because trust me, the money I put up we
could have bought our own hot air balloon.

Well, that's great.

We're checking out,
I'll get your mother's stuff for you.

Well, hurry up.
Because we're out of here too.

What's your hurry?

Nobody goes anywhere
till I get my birthday cake.

M is for the many years
you've been on this planet.

O is for other people

your age

who are no longer with us.

I'm really having a deja vu here.

Trust me, you're not alone.

T is for time which somehow

you have beaten.

H is for your health

- which is a constant amazement to me.
- How do they do it?

When do they breathe?

E is for your energy

which is more than
people half your age have.

Kids. Kids. Sit down.

R it's for reincarnation

because we hope you'll
come back as someone else

for another 100 years.

Ladies.

Ladies.

How you doing?

Look. I get the picture.

You're mad.

Come on.

I'm doing the best I can.

Yeah, well that isn't good enough.

You promise you deliver her.

So deliver.

I know, I know. I'm just having
a hard time getting her alone.

That's all.

Aunt Patricia.

Bernice.

What luck.

Ladies.

Wait.

Ladies.

I think our problem has been solved.

The real Bernice.

For she's a jolly good Meema.

For she's a jolly good Meema.

For she's a jolly good Meema.

Happy birthday to you.

So much for birthday wishes.

You're all still here.

As long as you are

I want you to know that this
was the best birthday of my life.

Good luck topping it next year.

Look Meema, a special surprise.

It's aunt Patricia from California.

Who's the kid with her?

Bernice.

If that's Bernice

then, who's?

Sam wait, don't go.

Billy, if there's one thing I'm an expert
on, it's knowing when it's time to go.

Don't understand?

They like you.
They won't care if you're Bernice or not.

Look. Soon you have to
go home to your family and

I have to get on with my life.

Just...

promise that you'll call me
and let me know where you are.

I promise.

Thanks for everything.

Cousin.

It's okay, I didn't need to breathe yet.

Wait, I didn't give you
my phone number. Wait

Sam.

Let me go.

Samantha.

Let go of me.

Sam!

I won't let you do this.

Get in the car and stay there.

Let her go.

You guys are nuts.

Stop.

- Let me out.
- Not just sit there Jacquelyn.

Let me out.

Get your father.

She'll

be coming round the mountain when she comes

she'll be coming around the
mountain when she comes

They've taken her.

Taken who?

Sam.

Who's Sam?

Bernice.

Bernice is right here.

Not the real Bernice.
The Bernice you thought was Bernice.

To tell you the truth

that one was a lot more fun.

Come on, we gotta go get her.

Billy slow down.

We haven't got time. We have
to go stop Raffiella and Jacquelyn.

Who?

Let go of me.

- Come on. Come on.
- No.

Let go of me.

Welcome home Samantha.

Take her in.

Come on.

In my opinion,
we would be putting ourselves

in a position of liability if we
acted in the girl's behalf at this time.

Marks right, Billy.

We could get in serious
trouble if we helped her.

Fine, I'm going after her myself.

No, no Billy wait a minute. Hold on.

Now, give us a chance to
plan the appropriate action.

What's the matter with you stiffs?

You think you're only supposed
to care for blood relatives?

We're living proof of that contradiction.

We've been at each
other's throats for years.

You know, Meema does have a point.

When we thought this girl
was family we loved her.

Now, just because it turns
out she isn't. Do we stop?

Yes.

Definitely.

Well, I'm gonna help Billy.

Anybody wants to come with us?

It's up to you.

I hate it when you look at me like that.

Anyone mind if I stay here?

Okay.

It's very simple darling.

You sign.

I get power of attorney and
then become your legal guardian.

Then, I invest all that money
that your father left you

which is yours when you turn 18

and to express my gratitude you
get to go to a fine Swiss school

and speak French

in the alps.

I'm not going to sign anything.

No?

I think you will.

You monster,
she didn't do anything to you, let her go.

I'd be more than happy to, darling

when you're on your merry way

to Europe.

You know how much I hate it
when we argue Samantha.

Here you go.

Good girl.

Your bags are packed.

I'd kiss you but you know how
much I hate unnecessary sentiment.

We've already been arrested
for trespassing once today.

We have a chance to
become two-time offenders.

What's the worst thing that could happen?
We could lose our bar cards and

switch to a life of crime.

And our family will go back to their roots.

Okay I got a plan.

I'm gonna climb the fence and see
if I can open it up from the other side

I've got a better plan.

Why don't I just open it for you?

Can I interest anyone in a bit of tea or

cold beverage perhaps.

We want Sam.

I'm sorry, you just missed her.

Look.

She's one of your relatives I believe.

Aunt Kate.

They took her to the airport.

Let's go get her.

No one's going anywhere.

I'm her legal guardian if anyone
tries to interfere in any way.

I will press charges

Well, I hope you do press
charges because as of now.

We're Sam's attorneys.

Right.

Dooley and Dooley.

Now look.

We need Sam here to testify
on our own behalf so you guys

go stop the plane.

Go ahead.

Dad.

We have some legal work to attend to.

Now.

Would you like your attorney to be present?

Well sister,
have a wonderful four years in Europe.

And please forget to write.

Don't worry,

if I send you a letter

it'll be a bomb in it.

Final call for flight 307...

All right move it and quit stalling.

Final call for flight 307...

A final word of advice for both of you

use a couple pounds less of makeup and

leather is way out.

Bye bye.

All right let's go.

Not until that plane leaves.

106 to Paris now boarding in gate 62...

Get out of our way.

Back off kid.

Don't you touch my son.

Are you looking for a fight lady?

Yeah.

Maybe I am.

Yeah, maybe we are.

Left or right?

No.

No, we're too late.

I should have gotten there sooner.

Billy, there's nothing
we can do about it now.

That poor kid.

Well, she's going to a good school,
she'll be provided for.

She's going to hate it there,
she needs her family.

- She doesn't need those people.
- Not talking about them.

I talk about us.

Hi cousin.

Sam.

How did you get?

We thought that you...

No, I've been slipping out of
places I don't like my whole life.

Your stepmother's gonna
be very upset about this.

Yeah.

Isn't it great?

So great in fact that I think
we should pay her a little visit.

I've never been a believer in revenge but I
think I'll make an exception in this case.

Wait, I've got my own wheels.

I know, pretty crafty with my hands.

- You want a ride?
- I'd love to.

I've always wanted to
drive one of these babies.

Be my guess.

Catch.

Get in.

Seat belt.

- No.
- No.

Well.

Just a minute.

What do you think?

Looks like she took care of everything.

That's correct gentlemen.

I have the best lawyers
that money can buy which

obviously you are not.

Look lady.

Both, you and I know that the
only way to contest this thing

is if Sam is here.

Only she can tell us

if she signed this of her own free will.

You're right

and unfortunately at this very
moment she's 30 000 feet and climbing.

So, if you're done wasting my time.

Please, allow me to show you to the door.

Gentlemen.

We're not giving up lady, if we find out
your was daughter denied in the wrong way.

We're gonna haul you into court.

Please, please.

You're scaring.

Good day gentlemen.

I mom.

I'm home.

You know, I just decided leaving
the country just wasn't for me.

Dad grab her.

I think you ought to call those
brilliant attorneys of yours.

We scaring you yet?

So.

What did you say your hourly rate was?

Don't worry. Dad and grandpa are great.

She doesn't have a chance.

Good, she deserves
everything that's coming to her.

Well, you can't live in this
big place all by yourself.

Thought about what you're gonna do now?

Yeah I have, right now.

I'd like to go back and wish
Meema a happy birthday.

Okay, but after that,
you open to some suggestions?

- I hate this.
- Me too.

My dad won't let me use the car phone so
I won't be able to call you till I get home

but when I get there I will call
you morning, noon and nights.

And I'll call you noon between times.

Well, the children seem
to be getting along just fine.

Who knows, maybe someday
soon we'll all be one big happy family.

Help.

Okay, come on kids let's go.

Well, thanks for visiting Jameson Bluffs.
You come back see us, yeah?

Well, I hope you've enjoyed
your stay at Jameson Bluffs.

That's good to hear.

This must be yours.

Yes.

It's just wonderful to have you here.

All right?

Yeah, it's all right.
No, that happens all the time.

Can I have everyone's attention?

In the 100 years that I've been around.

I've seen movies,

television

and the fax invented.

I've seen people go from

horses

to cars

to planes.

But I never thought I'd
live to see this family

stop competing with each other

while you people actually
appear to like one another.

Now, it finally makes sense why the

almighty kept me around so long.

But please

don't let that stop you from

fighting now and then.

It's what keeps things interesting.

See you all

next year.

Bye Meema.

Jeez, that's good.

Where did you come up with this stuff Greg?

See you next year.

I'll take it.

Just talks.

Julie.

Billy.

I got your farewell present.

Stick them in paint

and let them roll around on the sidewalk

They make great designs.

Gee thanks.

Look.

What is this?

Swamp scum. Take it.

You can look at it under a microscope
at your leisure when you get home.

Alright, thanks a lot. See you later.

Are you ready?

I want my piggyback ride. You
promised you'd give it to me and I want it.

- Now
- Okay, okay. All right.

I'll be right back.

I just spoke to grandpa Joe.
He and Kevin are gonna represent me.

Are you sure you want
to go through with this?

Well, I do if you do.

Well, I guess you know by now.

I'm not perfect.

No.

But you are exactly the
daughter I always wanted.

Give me this bag.

Thanks.

Okay, that's enough I need to graze.

Thanks for the ride,
next time I want a full gallon.

All right, could you hold these for me?

Thank you.

So, do you have time for a quick moment?

I have time for a slow one.

All right.

I never did get a chance
to thank you for everything.

That's okay, I didn't do anything.

You did.

When I lost my dad.

I never thanked him
for all the things I should.

And I made up my mind not do that
again to people who matter in my life.

You're right. I did deserve the thanks.

But you know I

I should thank you too.

For what?

You heard Meema.

You helped change your family's history.

I don't think so.

Okay then.

You change mine.

Now that we're gonna be relatives,
do you think it's okay to do this?

I can't believe you Billy.

You had a perfectly good cousin right here.

You didn't have to bring
one in from the outside.

Well.

May the best cousin win.

I just got word that Sam stepmother's
been turned into the authorities.

Even a brilliant lawyer is
going to have a tough time

explaining how she's been treating Sam.

But

we still got a lot of work to do.

See you in the office on Monday?

I'll be there.

You know.

I never moved your desk.

I wish you did.

I hated that view.

I think something could be worked out.

Come here.

It took us a while

but I think we might have
put that vicious cycle to rest

We are good, aren't we?

The best.

Well, of course you're good.

You're Dooley women

if it weren't for us this family would
have gone up in smoke years ago.

Are we going to get this show on the road?

Or are you waiting for me
to turn to slush back here?

Let's get going.

Let's go.

Just wanted to ask you a little favor.

You know, Margaret and I are
going to go to Hawaii for a couple of...

a little visit and

we just wondered if you'd like to

look after Mark Jr. for us.

Dad.

I don't want to go with them.

Mark.

You want us to watch Mark Jr.?

You gotta be kidding.

Well, we kind of figured you'd say that

so just to make it interesting.

How about one more challenge?

Kevin.

Don't do it.

I told you he wouldn't go for it.

My brother never could take real pressure.

Could I?

Families

are very weird things

you come into this world and
you are automatically a part of one.

Unlike Sam, usually you don't get a choice

but, you know, as nutty as my
family is if I did have to choose

I'd still pick mine every time.

Could you move over a little?

I don't want you touching me.

Not that it would be so bad if
you could trade a relative or two

you know, like they do with
players and professional sports

Okay,

we're ready to make the trade.

Yes.

This way.

Yes.

Big smile.