Fame Whore (1997) - full transcript
This film involves three interwoven stories with the only seeming connection being the delusions of the involved leads. In the first element of the film, a hot-tempered world tennis star loses endorsement contracts when the press outs him even though he claims the report is false. In the second, a talent-less woman struggles to make it in the world of fashion design or the music video business. In the last, an animal activist runs a dog-adoption agency and has an imaginary friend who appears in a St. Bernard suit.
(suspenseful music)
(people talking)
(camera clicking)
- Good morning.
(camera clicking)
- [Paparazzi] Jody
George, you've been called
the bad boy of tennis, what do you
have to say for yourself?
- No, no, no, no.
- Fuck your mom.
- No, no, no, no questions.
We'll have time for that later.
(people shouting)
They'll be times for questions at
the press conference later.
- Want an exclusive?
7030 Mile Shaw, alright.
(paparazzi talking)
- [Male Paparazzi] Why so much hostility
to the press, Jody?
- [Male Paparazzi] Jody
George, you're number one
in the world, what do you
have to say for yourself?
(all paparazzi talking)
- Where the fuck were you
when I was number one?
I mean.
Alright, I'm number one now.
Where the fuck were you before that?
All you mother fuckers
- That's enough, thank you.
can suck my dick.
(paparazzi shouting)
- That's enough, thank you.
We'll have more questions
later at the press conference.
Thank you, bye.
- What about those fuckheads, huh?
- Jody, you cannot talk
to the press like that.
- Oh, bullshit, man.
- No, just--
- Just like I was saying, man.
- Just smile and nod, can you try that?
Can you do it?
Smile.
Like hi, and nod.
And then, you don't say
- Fuck you.
anything, that's how you do it.
(barking)
- Rosco, here, was kept
chained to a furnace
in a basement for two years straight
and fed nothing but stale, white bread.
Luckily, we liberated the poor fellow
and nursed him back to health.
I'm positive that we'll be able
to find him a good home soon.
Spike's owner ran him over three times
with his sedan as punishment for shredding
a Dakunan print.
He was left for dead in a garbage can
but were miraculously
able to save his life.
And, little Siah, here, was found
wandering aimlessly through a neighborhood
with no tags or identification
but with a horrible
infestation of tapeworms.
She's responded well to her treatment
and we should soon have her
in a new and happy home.
(barking)
- How are the mutts this morning, George?
- They're fine, Mr. Peepers.
Little Siah is responding well
to her tapeworm medication
and anti-diarrhea pills.
- New tie, George?
- Ah, yes, Mr. Peepers.
You know the rules, this is my desk
and you have your space
here in the corner.
Come on.
- Alright, George.
- Today is April 15th,
the start of National Beagle week
and we've got three bouncing beagles
to find homes for.
(ringing)
My, my, they sure know how to keep
a guy on his toes in this place.
Hello, Urban Dog Placement Center,
this is George speaking.
- Hi, George.
Listen to this.
(farting)
- Is this your idea of a prank?
(farting)
Well, I don't think it's very funny.
(farting)
That's right, I'm hanging up the phone.
(farting)
You heard me, buster, I'm
hanging up the phone now.
Darn it, Mr. Peepers, this
world is full of barbarians.
- Yes it is, George.
By the way, have you seen my tick spray?
♫ Fame whore
♫ I always want more more more
♫ Baby I'm a fame whore
♫ Can't you give me more more more
♫ I won't stop now 'til I win that race
♫ And the fucking
paparazzi memorize my face
♫ I ain't got talent and I ain't got style
♫ But if there's a camera around
♫ Then I've got the smile
♫ Baby I'm a fame whore
♫ I always want more more more
♫ Baby I'm a fame whore
♫ Can't you give me more more more
♫ I've got my agent
and I'm gonna be a star
♫ I promise you honey
♫ I'm gonna go far
♫ I don't need love and I don't need you
♫ I'm a fame whore baby
♫ That's what I do
♫ I'm a photographer
♫ I'm an actress
♫ I'm a fashion designer and more
♫ I'm a dancer
♫ I'm a film director
♫ I'm an artist
♫ I'm a fucking bore
♫ I don't need talent
♫ I'm gonna make a splash
♫ All I need is my youth
and a bundle of cash
♫ I don't need talent
♫ I'm gonna make a splash
♫ All I need is my youth
and a bundle of cash
- The new issue of M Magazine has some
back stage photos from fashion week.
Oh my god, here I am.
Here I am, I'm in the new issue of M.
I'm in the new issue of M.
- Where, I don't believe you.
- [Sophie] Here, I'm right
here standing next to Rhonda.
That 13 year old model.
- [J] I don't see you.
- [Sophie] Here I am, J, that's my arm.
How 'bout that, J, I'm
in the new issue of M.
- Get real, Sophie.
- That's my arm in the magazine, J.
You're just jealous
because you've never made
the paparazzi page in
any of these magazines.
Oh, here I am again.
This time, The Scene.
- Where?
- Here, this photo of the Vicewoods Ball.
I'm in the back corner.
- That's not you.
And, even if it is, who cares.
That photo is microscopic and
your back seems to be turned.
- That is me, J, here,
take a look through this.
- Okay, Sophie, you're right.
That is you.
The dandruff should've been the giveaway.
- Well, J, we've got
a big day ahead of us.
We've got to come up with
a production schedule
for my new line of clothing.
We're also shooting that music video
with all of those models.
And, on top of that, we've
got to get my taxes done.
It is April 15th today.
J, where are my lung pills?
- I don't know, where'd you put them last?
- Listen, J, you're my assistant.
You are supposed to keep
track of these things.
Now, find me that bottle of lung pills
while I take care of
this unfinished business.
(bubbling)
- Where we going?
- I'm taking you to a new hotel.
That last one was crawling
with too much press scum.
- Hey, when does Jody George
get a few days off, huh?
- Don't hold your breath.
You've got an exhibition
match the day after tomorrow.
- Oh, man.
Can't Jody George skip it?
- No.
Come on, let us skip it.
- No, no.
There's 150K guaranteed and
I've already cashed the check.
- Oh, fuck.
- After the match, it's off to Florida
for a week of conditioning.
Then, to Paris for the tournament.
- Paris, Jody George
hates the fucking French.
Their tournament sucks fucking pig ass.
You know it does.
What's my guarantee there?
- 350.
- 350 thousand?
- Yeah.
- Fuck that, Jody George wants more.
You know god damn well the frogs
are paying Mack, what, 350K 10 years ago
when he was number two in the world.
Fuck that lame French shit.
- We made that agreement with the French
at the beginning of the season
when you were ranked
number six in the world.
It's too late to renegotiate.
- Fuck that, Jody George wants more.
They'll increase I
guarantee I'll call in sick
and fuck their whole tournament.
- You can't do that.
- Why not?
- Because I already promised our sponsors
that you will play the tournament.
- Why not?
- I just told you why not.
- Fuck.
Fuck!
- Do you have a phone I
could use by any chance?
- It's out of order.
- Okay.
- [Sophie] What is this stuff, J?
- It's your business
cards from the printers.
- Fabulous, fabulous.
Now, let's make sure they didn't short us.
I ordered 100,000.
Let me see one while you're at it.
Oh my god, they fucked up.
It's all about Sopie, it's
supposed to be Sophie.
S - O - P - H - I - E, Sophie,
not Sopie.
J, what are you laughing at?
This card makes absolutely no sense.
It's horrible.
- Well, we'll just have to send them
back to the printers and
have them all reprinted.
- What are you talking about?
Are you cuckoo?
We have no time for that.
Here, I want you to fix them.
- But, there's 100,000, Sophie.
- Well, get to work then, J.
I want the job complete A.S.A.P.
I've got clients on my
list to give that card to.
It's my identity.
Now chop chop.
- Me.
- What is it, George?
- Mr. Peepers, we've just found a home
for one of our beagles.
- Whoopee.
Is it time for lunch yet?
- Remember that nice, elderly woman
who came in here a couple of days ago?
- You mean that smelly, old bat?
- Mr. Peepers, you're not being very nice.
- No, George, I'm not being very nice.
- Well, she just called
to say she was interested
in adopting one of our beagles.
- That, George, is a new twist.
An owner who smells
worse than her new pooch.
Good show.
(ringing)
Hello, Urban Dog Placement Center,
this is George speaking.
- Hi, George, I got a puppy
from you the other day
and it's pissing all over my quilt.
I think you gave me a defective dog.
- Now, please, calm down.
- Calm down, you want me to calm down
when I have piss all over my fancy quilt.
I'm gonna sue you for the damage.
That damn puppy ruined some valuable,
museum quality quilts.
- [Sophie] Isn't she lovely?
- [J] Who is she?
- What are you talking
about, J, it's me, Sophie.
- This is not you.
You are dreaming, Sophie.
- Yes it is me, J, I am this beautiful.
Of course, it was scanned
through a computer
but that's besides the point.
Now, I want you to shut up because I have
an important phone call to make.
(fun music)
(beeping)
(ringing)
Hello, this is Sophie.
I'd like to speak to Lenny.
Yes, Sophie,
S - O - P - H - I - E.
No, there is no last
name, it's just Sophie.
Listen, does Madonna need a last name?
Does Cher need a last name?
Do you get my drift?
Thank you.
Hi, Lenny, I just got my head shots today.
They look great.
Listen, I'll do any type of film work.
Comedy, action, drama.
But, Lenny.
No arty independent type projects.
Okay.
Great.
Call me when you have some
leads on the auditions.
Alright.
Bye, Lenny.
- What was that about?
- That, J, was the one
and only Lenny Bernstein.
- Lenny Bernstein?
The Lenny Bernstein?
- I swear, J, you are so ignorant.
Lenny Bernstein is one
of the most powerful
casting agents in Hollywood.
He's the guy who invented
the term brat pack.
And, he's handling my acting career.
- Your acting career?
- Let's move on, J, let's move on.
We've got so much to
do and so little time.
Now, tell me, what's
happening with my line?
- Line?
- The fashion line, J, the fashion line.
Get me a model and give me a
presentation in 15 minutes.
Chop, chop.
- [Presenter] Our
investor suite represents
the height of luxury and opulence.
Equipped with six
telephones, private voicemail
and email with personal security code.
In-room fax and copier.
Three televisions wired to satellite
and 356 channels of
international entertainment.
Our investor suite has been designed
to provide the discerning dignitary
with the utmost in sophistication.
- Well, here we are, gentlemen.
- So, this is it, huh?
- Yes, sir, Mr. George.
Our last guest was Tatiana Grand.
She had a fabulous time here.
- Well, I'm glad and I
hope the cleaning crew
did a good job because I don't wanna find
any of her pussy hairs on my toilet seat.
- [Bellhop] Yes, sir.
I'm sure you'll find your
toilet seat spotless, sir.
- Johnny, yeah, yeah.
- You know what, Jody
George has something for ya.
- [Manager] No, we just got here.
- Well, thank you, sir.
- Yeah, you bet.
This ball, someday, my little Adi,
is gonna be worth a lot of money.
- [Manager] Yeah, yeah, the place is fine.
- So, don't you let your dog.
- [Manager] Well, you know.
- Chew it the fuck up.
- Yes, sir.
- Alright?
- He has his own agenda.
- Thank you, sir.
- Get the fuck outta here.
(rock and roll music)
♫ So you got something inside you
♫ What I got
♫ Been around that and I know
♫ There's nothing new to you
♫ You're just a saboteur
♫ A stupid saboteur
(ringing)
- Hello, Urban Dog Placement Center,
this is George speaking.
- Hello, George, I have
this problem with my dog.
- Okay, well maybe, I can help you.
- Well, see, I have this Great Dane
and usually he's really well behaved.
But, every time I make love to him,
he starts acting really weird.
- Is this a crank call?
- George, my man, I love to
fuck my great dane's ass.
- He does my dog, man.
- Listen, here, fella.
I don't have time for
your monkey business.
Now, goodbye.
- And, who was that?
- Darn it, Mr. Peepers, that was
another one of those stupid crank calls.
They're beginning to drive me crazy.
- Now, now, George.
Don't let them get to you.
Remember my motto, fuck 'em all.
Fuck 'em all.
- Fuck 'em all.
It's an interesting thought.
Fuck 'em all.
- Jody George will fuck that pussy.
Fucking Jody George would
fuck that momma, too.
- [Woman On TV] Kiss my boot, lick them.
- [Woman On TV] Yes,
that's lovely, thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Aw, yeah, aw, fucking suck
my fucking big, athletic
cock, you fucking skeezy ho.
- [Woman On TV] Oh, oh, oh.
- Yeah.
- [Woman On TV] Cheers, cheers, cheers.
Thanks a lot, thanks a lot.
- Aw, shit.
Aw, shit, fucking big
butt Italian ass whopper.
There she go.
There she go, there she go
'cause she Jody George ho.
(moaning)
(speaking foreign language)
Aw, yeah.
(rock and roll music)
♫ Whatever it is you have
♫ I'm sure I want it
♫ Whatever it is you said
♫ I'm sure fooled
♫ You're fucking boring
- [Sophie] What's your name, honey?
- Turquoise.
- What agency are we with?
- I'm with Downtown Agency.
- Have you worked in Europe?
- Was I supposed to?
- Well, Turquoise, that will be enough.
You may go now.
- Thank you.
- Sophie, I don't know if
it was my imagination or not
but was that boy giving us shade?
- You know something,
J, I think you're right.
Definite shade.
Tear up his file, I never wanna
see his face in here again.
- Me neither.
God, I hate stuck up model pussy.
- You know something, J.
I wanna call this new
line Femanatomy by Sophie.
What do you think?
- You know, Sophie, I really
don't like this collection.
- J, I'm thinking about
selling the collection
in art galleries, maybe, unveiling it
when my painting show opens next month.
- Don't you think that tiny T-shirts
have been done to death?
- J.
My line is completely original.
Completely new, it even
has a political edge.
- Sorry to burst your bubble.
But, tiny T-shirts were
out four seasons ago.
- J, this is a ground-breaking collection.
If you cannot recognize that
than you must be a retard.
(ringing)
- Yes, hello, it's all about Sophie.
Yes, hold on a moment, please.
It's your Uncle Lenny, the casting agent.
- Hello, Lenny.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh my god, Lenny, that's
fabulous, fabulous.
Okay.
Okay, bye.
- [J] What was that about?
- Lenny got me an audition.
It's for the female lead in
the film version of Cats.
Ha, this is so wonderful.
Now, where's that phone.
I've gotta call my acting coach
and schedule a refresher session A.S.A.P.
But, first.
Some marijuana.
(suspenseful music)
What is that stuff, J?
- It's from the Black and White Lab.
It must be the proofs from
yesterday's photo shoot.
- You know something, J.
I have a really good
feeling about these shots.
I was on a roll yesterday.
- You were possessed, Sophie.
- J, if these shots are
good, we've got that account.
I tell you, I'm a natural
at this photography thing.
I've got a great eye and a
great sense of composition,
if I do say so myself.
- Enough already, let's see some shots.
- Please, God, let these shots be okay.
- Well?
How do they look?
- [Sophie] Ah, I don't know what happened.
I don't know what happened.
- I do, you fucked up.
- J, I never fuck up.
I am a professional photographer.
I graduated from the Rhode
Island School of Design, RISD.
This must have been a
mechanical failure of some sort.
What about X-rays?
- What?
- That's the only reason I can think of
why these shots did not turn out.
Someone is beaming X-rays into our studio.
Those god damn X-rays are going to be
the death of my company.
Now listen, J, I want you
to get me some estimates
on lead lining this place.
And, while you're at it,
get someone in here with a Geiger counter
to check for stray radiation.
- George, you want a squid
ring with gravy sauce?
- Mr. Peepers, there are alternatives
to those squid rings of yours.
Well, take my sandwich, for instance.
Organic vegetables grown by
independent subsistence farmers
who are not destroying our rainforests.
- Oh, George, stop already
with your eco speak.
You wanna know something.
There really is no substitute
for a delicious squid ring.
Very yummy.
- Mr. Peepers, you're terrible.
Absolutely terrible.
Why, I've been boycotting
your squid restaurant chain
for two years now.
That company is destroying
our mother earth
and they don't even earmark
any of their profits
for community service.
- George, I'm gonna
split, I'll see you later.
(magical music)
(jingling)
- Oh, hello, how can I help you?
I'm George.
- Oh, hello, George, I'm Sabrina.
Sabrina Mayflower.
I hope I'm in the right place.
I'm looking for a new pet doggy.
Bow wow.
- Um, yes, Sabrina, you've
come to the right place
but I'm gonna have to ask you
to extinguish that cigarette.
This is a no smoking doggy zone.
- Oh, why, of course, darling.
There.
Now, can you help me find a new pet doggy.
- Uh, yes, Sabrina, you've
come to the right place
if you're looking to adopt a pup.
- Fabulous, fabulous.
Do you carry rottweilers?
Those dogs are so sexy.
Or, maybe an Afghan, you know,
something trendy and glamorous.
I've tried all the pet
shops in the area, George.
But, I'm glad I came here.
It's so funky
and I do love funky things.
- Uh, well.
- Oh, do you like it?
There's nothing like the real thing.
- The real thing?
- Why, of course, darling,
I wouldn't be caught dead
in one of those imitation minks.
Imitation is so tacky
and classless.
But, a real fur makes me feel
like the real woman that I am.
- Ms. Mayflower, I find your coat
to be absolutely repulsive.
Real fur is for real fools.
Are you happy that some helpless animals
were killed in order to adorn your body?
And then, you have the
nerve to come into my office
in order to adopt a pup?
Lady, I am in the business of trying
to save animal lives while you clearly
are more interested in
destroying our furry friends
in order to accessorize yourself.
I'm sorry if I'm being rude but I'm going
to have to ask you to leave at once.
- My God, you're one of those pathetic
animal rights freaks.
- Yes, I am.
Now, get out of here, get out, you bitch.
(beatboxing)
(knocking)
- Number one.
Number one.
The fuck you want?
- Room service.
- Maria Sopapia, what's up, what's up?
What do you got for me?
- It's your meal, Mr. George.
Compliments of the management.
- Well, I hope dessert is included.
- I don't know, let me check.
- 'Cause I would love a piece of pie or
maybe a little cherry in my mouth.
Or fuck your pussy with my tongue.
Fuck your pussy with my tongue.
Pussy with my tongue.
Fuck with your pussy with my.
Uh, I'll pay you $500.
- How 'bout a thousand?
- You drive a hard bargain, girlie.
- It will be worth it, Mr. George.
(beatboxing)
- My dismal life has no meaning.
Soon I will end this wretched existence
and shrug off the mortal coil.
Misery is my sole companion.
So, let the curtains fall where they may.
Well, Coach, how was that?
- Try it again, Sophie, but this time
try to really connect
with your character's
personal torment and inner demons.
- Okay, here we go.
My dismal life has no meaning.
Soon I will end this wretched existence
and shrug off the mortal coil.
Misery is my sole companion.
So, let the curtains fall where they may.
- Stop!
What
are you doing?
- I'm acting.
- But, why must you speak in such a
monotone?
- I don't speak in a monotone.
- Yes, you do.
- Well, you're the professional actor.
Whatever you say must be right.
- Let's just try it again and this time
slow down and concentrate
on your breathing.
- What about the method?
Can you teach me the method?
- You are not ready
for the method.
- Okay, let me try again.
Oh, hey Coach, how's my presence?
- Your presence is fine.
Just try it again.
- Okay.
My dismal life has no meaning.
Soon I will end this wretched existence
and shrug off the mortal coil.
Soon I will end this wretched existence
and shrug off the mortal coil.
Misery is my sole companion.
So, let the curtains fall where they may.
- That was fine, Sophie, just fine.
But, let's wrap it up for today, shall we?
And, I'll see you tomorrow.
But, please, please try
to remember what we went over today.
And, I have some reading for you.
- Thanks, Coach.
You know something, Coach.
On that last try, I really felt something.
I was focused.
I was free.
You know something, I think I'm getting
the hang of this acting thing.
Bye, Coach.
- Jody, look at this headline.
This paper is on every newstand in town.
- It's a fucking French newspaper.
Who the fuck, hey, you
wanna know something.
You wanna know something
fucking important?
- What?
- I just got myself
fucking importantly laid by a fucking
sweet fucking hottie.
- Yippie.
Jody, read the headline.
- Jody George is god.
That's not a fucking bet, what.
- It says Jody George is gay.
(exploding)
- How the fuck can anyone
think that Jody George is gay?
Look at me, Jody George is not gay.
Alright, alright, alright.
This is what you're gonna do.
You're gonna call my publicist
and you get this fucking
piece of shit,
- No.
frog ass headline changed.
- No, it's too late.
- What the fuck do you mean it's too late.
Jody George is not gay.
That's a lie, change the headline.
What the fuck else does
this newspaper say?
- Well.
- Oh no, no, what, come on.
Read it, read it, read it, read it.
Jody George, let me guess.
Jody George fucks his mom.
Jody George screws his pooch.
Shit.
- Can I finish?
Well, it says that you
were spotted at a gay bar
with Pierre Le Chapeau
and that you two were seen holding hands
sipping champagne from the
same glass and kissing.
- Pierre Le Chapeau?
- Yeah.
Pierre Le Chapeau?
- Yeah.
The guys a fucking second rate hack.
I beat him six one, six one,
- Yeah, I know.
six four in that stupid
- I know.
ass Monte Carlo Tournament.
- I know.
I didn't even want to go to.
That bastard hasn't even fucking
cracked the top 20.
- Well, that may not be but
this paper says that he is openly gay.
- What the fuck, who cares.
I beat him in under 70 minutes.
Alright, alright, alright, alright.
I beat him and maybe I took him out
for a couple of fucking drinks.
How am I supposed to know he's gay?
- Well, apparently, there were
quite a few witnesses to your little date
including a bartender and a couple of
off-duty cops who said that you
and Pierre Le Chapeau were carrying on
like a couple of lovebirds.
- The fuck is going on?
What the fuck is going on?
- Calm down.
I will take care of everything.
- It's not fair.
You know what I'm saying?
It's just not fair.
I've worked my whole life to be number one
and now everyone wants
to write that Jody George
is some kind of fucking fruit bat.
Well, I'm number one.
That's what they should write about.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a
minute, hold on a second now.
Listen to me.
Jody George wants you to
know something alright.
Jody George is not a homosexual.
Comprende?
- Yes, Jody.
Alright, 'cause Jody George likes pussy.
Alright, Jody George likes fucking pussy.
Grab it, flip it, rub it down
and all.
- Word, yeah, I understand.
I understand.
- Good.
Then you fucking take care of this shit
and clear my name.
My family finds out, they'll shit.
So, work it.
- Where are my tax accountants?
Greenberg and Greenberg.
The best that money can buy.
Where are they?
I hate this time of year.
(buzzing)
J, see who that is.
It had better be Greenberg and Greenberg.
Damn it, I thought it was my tax guys.
Hey, I didn't order any
Chinese take out today.
You boys must have the wrong address.
- [J] Sophie, this is
Greenberg and Greenberg.
- Hi, I'm Greenberg and this is Greenberg.
- Oops.
- George, relax, you did the right thing.
- Oh, I don't know, Mr. Peepers.
I feel like such a meanie.
I had no right to speak
to that woman like that.
- George, you are suffering
from an unhealthy case
of liberal guilt.
- What do you mean?
- You know, liberal guilt.
The plague that's
ravishing our population.
It's reducing us to a pack of
spineless, whimpering fools.
Enough with your guilt ridden blubbering.
That stupid lady was
getting on your nerves
and so you called her a
bitch and you kicked her out.
- But, I could've been more tactful.
- Fuck tact.
- My my, Mr. Peepers, such language.
- Here, George, have a drink.
- Mr. Peepers, what have I told you
about drinking at the workplace?
It's against the rules.
- Whoops, George, how right you are.
So sorry, so sorry.
(magical music)
- Uh, Ms. Sophie, what should we put down
your occupation as?
- Oh, well, Greenberg number one.
I am, first and foremost, a video artist.
And, a fashion designer.
And, a painter.
Oh, actress.
Photographer.
Producer.
Art director.
Oh, image consultant.
Hey, J, did I leave anything out?
- No, Sophie, I think
that about covers it.
- Oh, shut up, J.
He's just jealous of my raw talent.
Just ignore him.
Oh, oh, put down that
I'm also a playwright.
And, a performance artist.
And, a --
- How the fuck could anyone think
that Jody George is a homosexual?
Alright, alright.
Jody George is not a homosexual.
And, it's not fucking
fair because you know
I worked all my life.
I worked all my life to become number one.
And, now that I am number one,
all they wanna say is Jody
George is a freaking flamer.
And, I swear to God, I
catch that mother fucker
who told that fucking
lie, I'll fucking lop off
his mother fucking balls.
(ringing)
No one fucking calls, screening mother
fucking cheap ass.
(ringing)
Hello.
- [Man On Phone] Hello,
this is Jody George?
- Yeah, this is Jody George.
- Jody, my boy, this is Harrison.
Harrison Sterling.
- Hey, Harrison, what's up?
- [Harrison] Well.
Oh, I'm sure you heard
and I'll tell you again.
Jody George is fucking
number one in the globe.
Jody George is number one
on the face of the earth.
Numero uno fucking ........
I, why I am fucking it.
- Yes, I've heard.
- Hey, you know I'm gonna
give your shoe company
a lot of bang for the buck, right.
I mean, I'm number one in the world.
I wanna renegotiate my contract.
You know with my number one ranking
you can go sell a shit load of shoes.
More than you've ever sold before.
- Jody, what's all this fag business?
- Look, it's some French
gossip newspaper thing, okay.
It's nothing to get
bent out of shape about.
- Jody, are you gay?
- Hey, hey, hey, hold on, hold on here.
Alright, listen.
Jody George is not a homosexual.
I don't know what happened
but this whole thing is gonna blow over.
- Well, for your sake, let's hope it does.
Let's hope it does.
We're going to lose a lot of business
if the public thinks that you're a fag.
And, they're not going to buy Riva Shoes
if they think you're some kind
of god damn flaming queen.
- Listen to me, alright, please, Harrison.
Jody George is not a queer.
I don't know what happened
with the press, okay.
I don't know.
I'm not a scientist.
- If this situation isn't resolved soon,
you're going to find your
ass floating in space
with no sponsorship whatsoever.
- Oh, Harrison, please relax.
Everything is gonna be under control.
- It had better be, Jody.
I'll be in touch.
- Yeah.
(dialtone ringing)
Hello?
- [Sophie] What are you talking about,
Greenberg and Greenberg?
How can you charge me $7,000
for my lousy tax preparation?
- [Greenberg #1] Well, Ms. Sophie,
there was a lot of paperwork
because of your 27 different occupations.
- So, that's the price I have to pay
for being a renaissance woman.
So, I owe you boys $7,000.
- [Both Greenbergs] Yes.
- Will you take a check?
- [Both Greenbergs] Yes.
- Okay, you'll get your money.
Would you like some?
Well, let's make it $6,000 that I owe you
and then I'll get you stoned.
- [Both Greenbergs] Okay.
- Have you ever tried this stuff?
- I had some once at my
cousin, Morty's, barmitzvah.
(bubbling)
(spitting)
- Oy vey.
- You dopey Jew.
You're as clumsy as a Siberian ox.
Where's J?
J, J.
J, alert, alert, we
have a bong water spill.
I repeat, we have a bong water spill.
I think you Greenberg
fellas had better get going.
- But, what about our money?
- The check is in the mail.
Now scram, chop chop.
(cellphone ringing)
J, J, I need you here.
J, J, I have a bong
water spill here, over.
J, we have a bong water spill.
J, I need you here now, over.
J, where are you?
J.
- Jody, Jody George, you look like shit.
Like shit.
(rock and roll music)
- [Radio Personnel] Rio De Janeiro.
Jody George behind two games to one
in a quarterfinal match and punches out
a 10 year old ballboy who inadvertently
coughs during a crucial service point.
The ballboy is hospitalized
with a concussion
and Jody George is ejected
from the tournament.
Jody George settles out of court
with the ballboy and his family.
(rock and roll music)
Australia Open.
During the pregame
warm-up, Jody George kicks
a stray dog that has wandered
onto the center court area.
He is fined $10,000 but goes
on to win the tournament.
(rock and roll music)
Frankfurt, Jody George places
second in that tournament
and during a nationally
televised live interview,
he calls Germany "a country full of nazis,
goons and pussy-boys."
He is fined $25,000 by the
International Tennis Association
and put on two weeks probation.
During an interview the next day,
he calls the president of the I.T.A.
"a crater-faced jewboy."
Jody George is fined
an additional $10,000.
(rock and roll music)
Boca Raton.
Jody George stops playing
in the men's single finals
when his pet chimpanzee,
Bubba, is not given
a front-court seat at the tennis arena.
Jody George resumes play
only after the tournament
director makes a public apology to Bubba
and promises to take the chimp
out for a night on the town.
Jody George goes on to win the match,
six one, six one, six null.
(rock and roll music)
(mumbling)
(barking)
(huffing)
- My, my, my, my, Mr. Peepers.
Where is that fellow?
Mr. Peepers.
He really should be more careful
about where he deposits his mess.
Oh my gosh.
This is not a very pleasant situation.
Feces everywhere, feces everywhere.
(magical music)
- Having fun, George?
- Now, look here, Mr. Peepers.
I'm upset with you.
Will you look at this mess on my desk.
What has gotten into you?
- Look at me, George.
I'm a dog.
Shit happens.
- Well, next time, use your
litter box or go outside.
- George, your phone is ringing.
(ringing)
- Hello, Urban Dog Placement Center,
this is George speaking.
How can I help you?
- [Woman On Phone] George?
- Mom?
(suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music)
- [Mom] Now, why did I call you, anyway?
Oh yes, I wanted to invite
you for dinner tonight.
You aren't doing anything, are you?
We miss you here so much, right Hugo?
(barking)
- Oh, mom.
- [Mom] I'm making your favorite.
Meatloaf with brown gravy
and those little candied carrots.
They cost an arm and a leg.
Not in season, not in
season those carrots.
But, like the Reader's Digest says,
you have to treat yourself
every once in a while.
- Mom, you know I don't eat meat.
I haven't eaten meat in three years.
- [Mom] Oh, that's right.
You're a vegetarius.
- Vegetarian.
- [Mom] Vegetarian.
- Listen, Mom.
I really should be going.
There's been an emergency here.
- [Mom] George, I really worry about you
sitting alone all day in that dog office.
And, you're probably overworked, right?
- Uh.
Oh, you know, it's not
as bad as you think, Mom.
I actually sort of enjoy being here all
by myself.
- [Mom] I just worry, George.
And, it ain't good for
a human to be all alone
for so many hours.
It doesn't sound natural.
It just doesn't sound natural at all.
- Oh.
Don't worry about me, Mom.
(panting)
- You fucking looking at my ass?
You're fucking, you're fucking sorry.
You're fucking looking at my ass.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, you're fucking sorry.
Fucking sorry.
Fucking, fucking.
Fucking, fucking.
Fucking asshole looking at my fucking.
Fuck.
Bitch.
Go fuck you.
Think I'm a fucking queer.
Fuck.
I'm fucking number one in this
fucking world.
And, you're a fucking fag.
And, my fucking dick
fucking every pussy.
I like big pussy.
I like big pussy.
I like big fucking pussy.
And, I'm a fucking
mother fucking good person.
So, fuck you.
Fuck you, fuck you.
- Well, J, I'm glad my
damn taxes are done.
Have you called the modeling agency?
- Yes, I have, Sophie,
and the girls should
be arriving here in 15 minutes.
- Now, when the model pussy gets here,
I want you to be very professional.
We'll have a little time
to weed out the ugly ones
and then we've got to get
the video shoot underway.
I also want you to make
sure the camera crew
is on location and ready to go.
- I've already taken care of that.
- And, listen, J, I
don't want any fuck ups.
This is my first music
video and I wanna make sure
that everything goes smoothly.
Got it?
- Yes, Sophie.
- If we do a good job today,
we're going to be on Easy Street.
Okay, any questions?
- Yeah, just one.
What band was this video for?
- Oh, it's um.
God damn it, it's something like.
You know something, J.
That's a really stupid question.
What's important is
that we get these models
to shake their tits and buns for us.
Let's not forget our priorities, J.
Priorities are what separate
us from the savages.
- Yes, Sophie.
- I must work.
I must remain focused for the video shoot.
I must not get distracted.
(whooshing)
(funky music)
(car alarm blaring)
Damn it, I must work.
I must remain focused for the video shoot.
I must not get distracted.
♫ Homosexual we love you
♫ Homosexual things you do
♫ Homosexual kill Dan White
♫ Homosexual what's it like
♫ Don't like boys you like girls
♫ Living in your faggot world
♫ Talking sex with lawyer's wives
♫ Sneaking out to meet the guys
♫ Homosexual I'm ashamed
♫ Homosexual that's your name
♫ Homosexual where's the blame
♫ Homosexual I can't explain.
♫ Homosexual we love you
- [Manager] Well, it looks like the shit
has really hit the fan.
- Yeah, yeah, it really does.
You know, you were supposed to stop this.
You were supposed to fucking
get this fucking shit changed.
- Jody, it's too late.
- You're fucking damn right it's too late.
The whole fucking world
thinks that Jody George
is a fucking crack monster.
Jody George rim master supremo.
- Jody you have got--
- You fucking suck.
You have got
- You're the worst fucking
to cool down.
- manager I ever saw.
You have gotta cool down.
- Yeah, get calmed down?
- Yes.
I oughta calm down and fucking fire you.
You fucking lame brain.
- You can't fire me.
- Oh yeah?
Why the fuck can't I fire you,
you fucking good for nothing skunk, huh?
- You gonna make this ugly?
- Why can't I fire you?
I'll get uglier than you.
- Oh yeah?
Fucking pussy.
- You can't fire me.
Because I'm the only
one who that can speak
to your sponsors and keep things civil.
- Oh, get, just get
the fuck outta my room.
- You don't get it, do you?
Without me,
you lose all your contacts
with all your sponsors.
I can do damage control
and help save most of your clients.
- Yeah, right, you do that.
You do that and you can stay.
- [Manager] Damn right.
But, I'm increasing my percentage.
- Fuck you, you're getting 30%.
- Yeah, and I want 40%.
- You're getting 30%.
- I want 40%.
And, if I don't get that
40%, I'm outta here.
I've got other athletes
to take care of you know.
- Yeah, fine fine.
Whatever, whatever, take it.
- Why thank you, Jody.
- Take it.
You want 50?
Fuck you.
- I hope you don't mind if I
taped our little verbal agreement.
You can't be too safe.
- In your pocket every fucking day.
Give me something for my nose.
- Why, of course, Jody.
Valium?
Here take two.
- Give me two.
Cheer up, Jody George.
You're number one in the world.
- Hello, girls, hello.
Just make yourselves comfortable.
My name is Sophie and
this is my assistant, J.
I have a few more things to take care of
so please be patient.
Will you look at them, J.
I've never seen an uglier bunch of cows.
- Don't worry, they're
going to look hideous
until we get them into hair and makeup.
- Look at the thighs on that one.
Talk about cottage cheese on a drumstick.
I've never seen so much
cellulite in my life.
- They're not that bad.
Come on, let's just get to work.
- What do you mean, look
at the face on that one.
Broken capillaries, enlarged pores,
wrinkles, blackheads and ingrown hairs.
I've seen salad bars that
look better than that girl.
And, look at that other girl over there.
Ms. Mustache, if she had
anymore of an underbite
we could use her as an ashtray.
My God, are we looking at models now
or is this the casting call
for Auschwitz My Years in Hell.
- Look, Sophie, it's too late to get
new model pussy from the agency.
I think we should just go ahead,
shoot the video with the girls we have.
They really do look fine to me.
- Oh my God, J, who asked you?
Why aren't there any darker ones?
You know, some flavor.
There's no flavor in this room.
We don't even have an Oriental girl.
I thought I requested some color.
Where's the color?
Where's the flavor?
Damn that agency, this will not do.
This will not do.
How can I make my music video
with this room full of rejects?
I'm an artist, God damn
it, not a plastic surgeon.
Get me the agency on the phone.
J, get me the agency on the phone.
(coughing)
And, J.
What about that bottle of lung pills.
Have you found me that
bottle of lung pills, yet?
(coughing)
- Urban Dog Placement Center,
this is George speaking.
Um, you're with what office?
- The City Personnel Office, you know,
hirings, firings, promotions,
raises, retirements.
Anyway, we understand you've
been severely understaffed
and we apologize for the delay.
The good news is that your
request has gone through.
- What are you talking about?
- You're request for a
full-time office assistant
has been approved.
- A full-time office assistant?
- That's right.
All of your forms and
paperwork seem to be in order.
You can expect your
new assistant to arrive
on Monday morning at 8AM sharp.
- But, I really think I've
got things under control here.
- You'll finally get that
office help that you need.
Sheesh, if they had me
working seven months
all by myself, I would've quit.
- You know, it really
isn't so bad, I think--
- I just wouldn't have
been able to handle it.
I just have to be around people.
George, I just wanted to call
and give you the good news.
- Okay.
Thanks.
Bye.
(barking)
- Hello, Zeitgeist management.
I'd like to talk to
Chenille, this is Sophie.
Hello, Chenille, darling, how are you?
Good, well listen.
Those models you sent over will not do.
They're all so hideous.
I thought I was getting your best girls.
You sent me a bunch of oily-faced,
cellulite-ridden, zitty hos.
I can't make my music video with the girls
you sent over, Chenille.
And, what about the flavor?
I need some black ones,
I need some Orientals,
something ethnic.
All you sent me was
milquetoast, god damn it.
Milquetoast.
No, you relax, Chenille.
You call your business a modeling agency,
4H Club is more like it.
I'm sending the god damn cows home.
Moo.
J, I want you to send
the model pussy home.
- Now, what about the video?
- Now, stop with your stupid questions.
Just do what I say, send
the girls home, chop chop.
- What do I tell them?
- Are you a moron, J?
Tell them the truth.
Tell them they look fat.
Tell them they look hideous.
Tell them they aren't getting paid.
Now, get rid of them.
They're making my eyeballs bleed.
Chop chop.
(defeated music)
(water running)
(coughing)
(ringing)
- Hello.
- Jody, it's me.
Yeah, what's up?
- Well, things have
gone from bad to worse.
Some of your clothing sponsors
have cancelled their contracts.
The rest are monitoring events
and preparing to act.
- What about Harrison
and the shoe contract?
(buzzing)
- I'm afraid it's a little
late for that, Jody.
They're sending their
lawyers over tonight.
I have a feeling they're
going to cancel their contract
and terminate the deal to save face.
- Okay, Mike, we'll see ya.
- [Woman On TV] No, no, no, no.
Wait just a minute.
- [Man On TV] Now,
that's what happens here.
- [Woman On TV] Excuse me.
(laughing)
- [Man On TV] Dude, I sure
won't be communicating with...
(barking)
- Mail call, George, my boy.
- Uh, thank you, Mr. Peepers.
Mr. Peepers, there's something
I'd like to discuss with you.
- What is it, George, my boy.
- Well, uh, Mr. Peepers,
I just got a phone call
a little while ago.
It was the City Personnel Office.
And, well, they've assigned,
uh, me a new assistant.
So, starting Monday,
there will be someone else
in this office besides us and, um,
what I'm trying to say is that, um,
this is a small office and, um,
well, you know, there will be
another person in here besides us
on Monday and, um,
well, what I'm saying is that, um,
that it was fine here
with just you and me.
But, that, um, with another
person moving in here
that, um, maybe this office might just be
a bit too crowded for three.
- So, that's the way you feel, George?
- Come on, Mr. Peepers, you're
taking this the wrong way.
We can still get together for lunch,
for coffee breaks.
- You know something, George.
You're right, it's just
gonna be too crowded.
(magical music)
(whinning)
(buzzing)
(crackling)
- [Woman On Radio] Including rings.
(speaking foreign language)
(blow dryer running)
(electrocuting)
(yelling)
(somber music)
- I can't believe what a disaster
that music video shoot turned into.
And, all because of that
dumb modeling agency
that sent me those ugly heffers.
- Sophie, what are you going
to tell the record company?
You've already spent the entire budget
for the music video and you
have nothing to show for it.
- I don't know what
I'm going to tell them.
Hey, J, did you see the
way those people back there
were staring at me?
- What people?
- That crowd, don't turn around.
I think they're still staring.
J, I'm being recognized in public.
- No, you aren't, Sophie, get real.
- No, no, those people know who I am.
I can sense these things.
Do you have a pen on you?
- What are you talking about?
- You know, J, a pen.
We have to be ready if
they want my autograph.
Now, where are my eight by ten headshots?
I hope I brought them.
- Electric bill.
Phone bill.
Rent.
Doggy pharmaceuticals.
Attention, George, you could
be our next $7,000,000 winner.
(tearing)
(barking)
Dear Mr. George.
I wanted to write you
this letter to tell you
how happy I am with my
new best friend, Peaches.
I love him so much and we
have so much fun together.
I don't have many friends.
But with Peaches,
I have a brand new best friend.
Thank you for helping
me to choose Peaches.
He's perfect for me and I think
he's the best pet in the world.
Love Amelia.
Thank you, Amelia.
Thank you.
Now, George.
Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
It is National Beagle Week.
And, you've got some fine
pups to find homes for.
So, times a wasting.
Let's get to work.
Okay.
- Jody, it's Maria.
I'm here with more dessert.
(screaming)
(glass breaking)
(camera clicking)
(camera clicking)
(camera clicking)
(camera clicking)
(camera clicking)
- I think they're still staring at me, J.
- Get real, Sophie,
nobody's staring at you.
- Shut up, J.
You're just jealous because
they don't recognize you.
- Sophie, when are you
going to snap out of it.
You are a nothing.
The world doesn't know who you are
and also doesn't care who you are.
You are a nothing and a nobody.
- J, how dare you talk to me like that.
- You know what, Sophie, you
are the ultimate nothing.
- Shut up, J.
- And, I've had it with
your pathetic enterprise.
I can't believe that I've
stayed with you this long.
You can take your $20 an hour job
and shove it up your puckered ass.
As of this moment, I am
no longer your assistant.
I quit.
- J, You can't quit.
- Oh, yes I can, Sophie, oh, yes I can.
- Please, J, come back.
Come on, J.
Please come back.
J.
Come back.
♫ So now you found paradise
♫ No one's bothering you
♫ Pull back the welcome mat
♫ It's a sign
♫ You're too busy
♫ You don't have time
♫ Once people kept calling
♫ That bring ends of pollen
♫ Now it's it's quiet
♫ Unplugged in the hall
♫ Your number's forgotten
♫ Nobody calls
♫ Isn't lonely lovely
♫ Isn't lonely lovely
♫ It's a fine life really
♫ Isn't lonely lovely
Okay, you people, mark my words.
This is going to be a college radio hit.
Okay.
I think I'm ready.
- Okay, I hope so, take 23.
Sophie, rolling.
♫ I've got a brand new car
♫ I'm gonna go real far
♫ I'm gonna play my guitar
♫ I'm a superstar
♫ I rock all day
♫ I rock all night
♫ My name is Sophie
♫ I'm out of sight
♫ My beats are fresh
♫ My rhymes are funky
♫ One listen to me
♫ And you'll become my junky
♫ Got a brand new car
♫ Gonna go real far
♫ Gonna play my
♫ Hustler I'm a hustler
♫ And I'm crazy dumb and out of you
♫ Hustler hustler
♫ And I'm heading over two by two
♫ Oh yeah
♫ Heading over two by two
♫ Naughty lay it
♫ Big dog
♫ Hurry up and kiss me Kate
♫ Oh baby it's cold outside
♫ I don't know how long to wait
♫ And I'm moving down Eighth Avenue
♫ Hustler hustler and I'm
(fun music)
(clapping and cheering)
(people talking)
(camera clicking)
- Good morning.
(camera clicking)
- [Paparazzi] Jody
George, you've been called
the bad boy of tennis, what do you
have to say for yourself?
- No, no, no, no.
- Fuck your mom.
- No, no, no, no questions.
We'll have time for that later.
(people shouting)
They'll be times for questions at
the press conference later.
- Want an exclusive?
7030 Mile Shaw, alright.
(paparazzi talking)
- [Male Paparazzi] Why so much hostility
to the press, Jody?
- [Male Paparazzi] Jody
George, you're number one
in the world, what do you
have to say for yourself?
(all paparazzi talking)
- Where the fuck were you
when I was number one?
I mean.
Alright, I'm number one now.
Where the fuck were you before that?
All you mother fuckers
- That's enough, thank you.
can suck my dick.
(paparazzi shouting)
- That's enough, thank you.
We'll have more questions
later at the press conference.
Thank you, bye.
- What about those fuckheads, huh?
- Jody, you cannot talk
to the press like that.
- Oh, bullshit, man.
- No, just--
- Just like I was saying, man.
- Just smile and nod, can you try that?
Can you do it?
Smile.
Like hi, and nod.
And then, you don't say
- Fuck you.
anything, that's how you do it.
(barking)
- Rosco, here, was kept
chained to a furnace
in a basement for two years straight
and fed nothing but stale, white bread.
Luckily, we liberated the poor fellow
and nursed him back to health.
I'm positive that we'll be able
to find him a good home soon.
Spike's owner ran him over three times
with his sedan as punishment for shredding
a Dakunan print.
He was left for dead in a garbage can
but were miraculously
able to save his life.
And, little Siah, here, was found
wandering aimlessly through a neighborhood
with no tags or identification
but with a horrible
infestation of tapeworms.
She's responded well to her treatment
and we should soon have her
in a new and happy home.
(barking)
- How are the mutts this morning, George?
- They're fine, Mr. Peepers.
Little Siah is responding well
to her tapeworm medication
and anti-diarrhea pills.
- New tie, George?
- Ah, yes, Mr. Peepers.
You know the rules, this is my desk
and you have your space
here in the corner.
Come on.
- Alright, George.
- Today is April 15th,
the start of National Beagle week
and we've got three bouncing beagles
to find homes for.
(ringing)
My, my, they sure know how to keep
a guy on his toes in this place.
Hello, Urban Dog Placement Center,
this is George speaking.
- Hi, George.
Listen to this.
(farting)
- Is this your idea of a prank?
(farting)
Well, I don't think it's very funny.
(farting)
That's right, I'm hanging up the phone.
(farting)
You heard me, buster, I'm
hanging up the phone now.
Darn it, Mr. Peepers, this
world is full of barbarians.
- Yes it is, George.
By the way, have you seen my tick spray?
♫ Fame whore
♫ I always want more more more
♫ Baby I'm a fame whore
♫ Can't you give me more more more
♫ I won't stop now 'til I win that race
♫ And the fucking
paparazzi memorize my face
♫ I ain't got talent and I ain't got style
♫ But if there's a camera around
♫ Then I've got the smile
♫ Baby I'm a fame whore
♫ I always want more more more
♫ Baby I'm a fame whore
♫ Can't you give me more more more
♫ I've got my agent
and I'm gonna be a star
♫ I promise you honey
♫ I'm gonna go far
♫ I don't need love and I don't need you
♫ I'm a fame whore baby
♫ That's what I do
♫ I'm a photographer
♫ I'm an actress
♫ I'm a fashion designer and more
♫ I'm a dancer
♫ I'm a film director
♫ I'm an artist
♫ I'm a fucking bore
♫ I don't need talent
♫ I'm gonna make a splash
♫ All I need is my youth
and a bundle of cash
♫ I don't need talent
♫ I'm gonna make a splash
♫ All I need is my youth
and a bundle of cash
- The new issue of M Magazine has some
back stage photos from fashion week.
Oh my god, here I am.
Here I am, I'm in the new issue of M.
I'm in the new issue of M.
- Where, I don't believe you.
- [Sophie] Here, I'm right
here standing next to Rhonda.
That 13 year old model.
- [J] I don't see you.
- [Sophie] Here I am, J, that's my arm.
How 'bout that, J, I'm
in the new issue of M.
- Get real, Sophie.
- That's my arm in the magazine, J.
You're just jealous
because you've never made
the paparazzi page in
any of these magazines.
Oh, here I am again.
This time, The Scene.
- Where?
- Here, this photo of the Vicewoods Ball.
I'm in the back corner.
- That's not you.
And, even if it is, who cares.
That photo is microscopic and
your back seems to be turned.
- That is me, J, here,
take a look through this.
- Okay, Sophie, you're right.
That is you.
The dandruff should've been the giveaway.
- Well, J, we've got
a big day ahead of us.
We've got to come up with
a production schedule
for my new line of clothing.
We're also shooting that music video
with all of those models.
And, on top of that, we've
got to get my taxes done.
It is April 15th today.
J, where are my lung pills?
- I don't know, where'd you put them last?
- Listen, J, you're my assistant.
You are supposed to keep
track of these things.
Now, find me that bottle of lung pills
while I take care of
this unfinished business.
(bubbling)
- Where we going?
- I'm taking you to a new hotel.
That last one was crawling
with too much press scum.
- Hey, when does Jody George
get a few days off, huh?
- Don't hold your breath.
You've got an exhibition
match the day after tomorrow.
- Oh, man.
Can't Jody George skip it?
- No.
Come on, let us skip it.
- No, no.
There's 150K guaranteed and
I've already cashed the check.
- Oh, fuck.
- After the match, it's off to Florida
for a week of conditioning.
Then, to Paris for the tournament.
- Paris, Jody George
hates the fucking French.
Their tournament sucks fucking pig ass.
You know it does.
What's my guarantee there?
- 350.
- 350 thousand?
- Yeah.
- Fuck that, Jody George wants more.
You know god damn well the frogs
are paying Mack, what, 350K 10 years ago
when he was number two in the world.
Fuck that lame French shit.
- We made that agreement with the French
at the beginning of the season
when you were ranked
number six in the world.
It's too late to renegotiate.
- Fuck that, Jody George wants more.
They'll increase I
guarantee I'll call in sick
and fuck their whole tournament.
- You can't do that.
- Why not?
- Because I already promised our sponsors
that you will play the tournament.
- Why not?
- I just told you why not.
- Fuck.
Fuck!
- Do you have a phone I
could use by any chance?
- It's out of order.
- Okay.
- [Sophie] What is this stuff, J?
- It's your business
cards from the printers.
- Fabulous, fabulous.
Now, let's make sure they didn't short us.
I ordered 100,000.
Let me see one while you're at it.
Oh my god, they fucked up.
It's all about Sopie, it's
supposed to be Sophie.
S - O - P - H - I - E, Sophie,
not Sopie.
J, what are you laughing at?
This card makes absolutely no sense.
It's horrible.
- Well, we'll just have to send them
back to the printers and
have them all reprinted.
- What are you talking about?
Are you cuckoo?
We have no time for that.
Here, I want you to fix them.
- But, there's 100,000, Sophie.
- Well, get to work then, J.
I want the job complete A.S.A.P.
I've got clients on my
list to give that card to.
It's my identity.
Now chop chop.
- Me.
- What is it, George?
- Mr. Peepers, we've just found a home
for one of our beagles.
- Whoopee.
Is it time for lunch yet?
- Remember that nice, elderly woman
who came in here a couple of days ago?
- You mean that smelly, old bat?
- Mr. Peepers, you're not being very nice.
- No, George, I'm not being very nice.
- Well, she just called
to say she was interested
in adopting one of our beagles.
- That, George, is a new twist.
An owner who smells
worse than her new pooch.
Good show.
(ringing)
Hello, Urban Dog Placement Center,
this is George speaking.
- Hi, George, I got a puppy
from you the other day
and it's pissing all over my quilt.
I think you gave me a defective dog.
- Now, please, calm down.
- Calm down, you want me to calm down
when I have piss all over my fancy quilt.
I'm gonna sue you for the damage.
That damn puppy ruined some valuable,
museum quality quilts.
- [Sophie] Isn't she lovely?
- [J] Who is she?
- What are you talking
about, J, it's me, Sophie.
- This is not you.
You are dreaming, Sophie.
- Yes it is me, J, I am this beautiful.
Of course, it was scanned
through a computer
but that's besides the point.
Now, I want you to shut up because I have
an important phone call to make.
(fun music)
(beeping)
(ringing)
Hello, this is Sophie.
I'd like to speak to Lenny.
Yes, Sophie,
S - O - P - H - I - E.
No, there is no last
name, it's just Sophie.
Listen, does Madonna need a last name?
Does Cher need a last name?
Do you get my drift?
Thank you.
Hi, Lenny, I just got my head shots today.
They look great.
Listen, I'll do any type of film work.
Comedy, action, drama.
But, Lenny.
No arty independent type projects.
Okay.
Great.
Call me when you have some
leads on the auditions.
Alright.
Bye, Lenny.
- What was that about?
- That, J, was the one
and only Lenny Bernstein.
- Lenny Bernstein?
The Lenny Bernstein?
- I swear, J, you are so ignorant.
Lenny Bernstein is one
of the most powerful
casting agents in Hollywood.
He's the guy who invented
the term brat pack.
And, he's handling my acting career.
- Your acting career?
- Let's move on, J, let's move on.
We've got so much to
do and so little time.
Now, tell me, what's
happening with my line?
- Line?
- The fashion line, J, the fashion line.
Get me a model and give me a
presentation in 15 minutes.
Chop, chop.
- [Presenter] Our
investor suite represents
the height of luxury and opulence.
Equipped with six
telephones, private voicemail
and email with personal security code.
In-room fax and copier.
Three televisions wired to satellite
and 356 channels of
international entertainment.
Our investor suite has been designed
to provide the discerning dignitary
with the utmost in sophistication.
- Well, here we are, gentlemen.
- So, this is it, huh?
- Yes, sir, Mr. George.
Our last guest was Tatiana Grand.
She had a fabulous time here.
- Well, I'm glad and I
hope the cleaning crew
did a good job because I don't wanna find
any of her pussy hairs on my toilet seat.
- [Bellhop] Yes, sir.
I'm sure you'll find your
toilet seat spotless, sir.
- Johnny, yeah, yeah.
- You know what, Jody
George has something for ya.
- [Manager] No, we just got here.
- Well, thank you, sir.
- Yeah, you bet.
This ball, someday, my little Adi,
is gonna be worth a lot of money.
- [Manager] Yeah, yeah, the place is fine.
- So, don't you let your dog.
- [Manager] Well, you know.
- Chew it the fuck up.
- Yes, sir.
- Alright?
- He has his own agenda.
- Thank you, sir.
- Get the fuck outta here.
(rock and roll music)
♫ So you got something inside you
♫ What I got
♫ Been around that and I know
♫ There's nothing new to you
♫ You're just a saboteur
♫ A stupid saboteur
(ringing)
- Hello, Urban Dog Placement Center,
this is George speaking.
- Hello, George, I have
this problem with my dog.
- Okay, well maybe, I can help you.
- Well, see, I have this Great Dane
and usually he's really well behaved.
But, every time I make love to him,
he starts acting really weird.
- Is this a crank call?
- George, my man, I love to
fuck my great dane's ass.
- He does my dog, man.
- Listen, here, fella.
I don't have time for
your monkey business.
Now, goodbye.
- And, who was that?
- Darn it, Mr. Peepers, that was
another one of those stupid crank calls.
They're beginning to drive me crazy.
- Now, now, George.
Don't let them get to you.
Remember my motto, fuck 'em all.
Fuck 'em all.
- Fuck 'em all.
It's an interesting thought.
Fuck 'em all.
- Jody George will fuck that pussy.
Fucking Jody George would
fuck that momma, too.
- [Woman On TV] Kiss my boot, lick them.
- [Woman On TV] Yes,
that's lovely, thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Aw, yeah, aw, fucking suck
my fucking big, athletic
cock, you fucking skeezy ho.
- [Woman On TV] Oh, oh, oh.
- Yeah.
- [Woman On TV] Cheers, cheers, cheers.
Thanks a lot, thanks a lot.
- Aw, shit.
Aw, shit, fucking big
butt Italian ass whopper.
There she go.
There she go, there she go
'cause she Jody George ho.
(moaning)
(speaking foreign language)
Aw, yeah.
(rock and roll music)
♫ Whatever it is you have
♫ I'm sure I want it
♫ Whatever it is you said
♫ I'm sure fooled
♫ You're fucking boring
- [Sophie] What's your name, honey?
- Turquoise.
- What agency are we with?
- I'm with Downtown Agency.
- Have you worked in Europe?
- Was I supposed to?
- Well, Turquoise, that will be enough.
You may go now.
- Thank you.
- Sophie, I don't know if
it was my imagination or not
but was that boy giving us shade?
- You know something,
J, I think you're right.
Definite shade.
Tear up his file, I never wanna
see his face in here again.
- Me neither.
God, I hate stuck up model pussy.
- You know something, J.
I wanna call this new
line Femanatomy by Sophie.
What do you think?
- You know, Sophie, I really
don't like this collection.
- J, I'm thinking about
selling the collection
in art galleries, maybe, unveiling it
when my painting show opens next month.
- Don't you think that tiny T-shirts
have been done to death?
- J.
My line is completely original.
Completely new, it even
has a political edge.
- Sorry to burst your bubble.
But, tiny T-shirts were
out four seasons ago.
- J, this is a ground-breaking collection.
If you cannot recognize that
than you must be a retard.
(ringing)
- Yes, hello, it's all about Sophie.
Yes, hold on a moment, please.
It's your Uncle Lenny, the casting agent.
- Hello, Lenny.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh my god, Lenny, that's
fabulous, fabulous.
Okay.
Okay, bye.
- [J] What was that about?
- Lenny got me an audition.
It's for the female lead in
the film version of Cats.
Ha, this is so wonderful.
Now, where's that phone.
I've gotta call my acting coach
and schedule a refresher session A.S.A.P.
But, first.
Some marijuana.
(suspenseful music)
What is that stuff, J?
- It's from the Black and White Lab.
It must be the proofs from
yesterday's photo shoot.
- You know something, J.
I have a really good
feeling about these shots.
I was on a roll yesterday.
- You were possessed, Sophie.
- J, if these shots are
good, we've got that account.
I tell you, I'm a natural
at this photography thing.
I've got a great eye and a
great sense of composition,
if I do say so myself.
- Enough already, let's see some shots.
- Please, God, let these shots be okay.
- Well?
How do they look?
- [Sophie] Ah, I don't know what happened.
I don't know what happened.
- I do, you fucked up.
- J, I never fuck up.
I am a professional photographer.
I graduated from the Rhode
Island School of Design, RISD.
This must have been a
mechanical failure of some sort.
What about X-rays?
- What?
- That's the only reason I can think of
why these shots did not turn out.
Someone is beaming X-rays into our studio.
Those god damn X-rays are going to be
the death of my company.
Now listen, J, I want you
to get me some estimates
on lead lining this place.
And, while you're at it,
get someone in here with a Geiger counter
to check for stray radiation.
- George, you want a squid
ring with gravy sauce?
- Mr. Peepers, there are alternatives
to those squid rings of yours.
Well, take my sandwich, for instance.
Organic vegetables grown by
independent subsistence farmers
who are not destroying our rainforests.
- Oh, George, stop already
with your eco speak.
You wanna know something.
There really is no substitute
for a delicious squid ring.
Very yummy.
- Mr. Peepers, you're terrible.
Absolutely terrible.
Why, I've been boycotting
your squid restaurant chain
for two years now.
That company is destroying
our mother earth
and they don't even earmark
any of their profits
for community service.
- George, I'm gonna
split, I'll see you later.
(magical music)
(jingling)
- Oh, hello, how can I help you?
I'm George.
- Oh, hello, George, I'm Sabrina.
Sabrina Mayflower.
I hope I'm in the right place.
I'm looking for a new pet doggy.
Bow wow.
- Um, yes, Sabrina, you've
come to the right place
but I'm gonna have to ask you
to extinguish that cigarette.
This is a no smoking doggy zone.
- Oh, why, of course, darling.
There.
Now, can you help me find a new pet doggy.
- Uh, yes, Sabrina, you've
come to the right place
if you're looking to adopt a pup.
- Fabulous, fabulous.
Do you carry rottweilers?
Those dogs are so sexy.
Or, maybe an Afghan, you know,
something trendy and glamorous.
I've tried all the pet
shops in the area, George.
But, I'm glad I came here.
It's so funky
and I do love funky things.
- Uh, well.
- Oh, do you like it?
There's nothing like the real thing.
- The real thing?
- Why, of course, darling,
I wouldn't be caught dead
in one of those imitation minks.
Imitation is so tacky
and classless.
But, a real fur makes me feel
like the real woman that I am.
- Ms. Mayflower, I find your coat
to be absolutely repulsive.
Real fur is for real fools.
Are you happy that some helpless animals
were killed in order to adorn your body?
And then, you have the
nerve to come into my office
in order to adopt a pup?
Lady, I am in the business of trying
to save animal lives while you clearly
are more interested in
destroying our furry friends
in order to accessorize yourself.
I'm sorry if I'm being rude but I'm going
to have to ask you to leave at once.
- My God, you're one of those pathetic
animal rights freaks.
- Yes, I am.
Now, get out of here, get out, you bitch.
(beatboxing)
(knocking)
- Number one.
Number one.
The fuck you want?
- Room service.
- Maria Sopapia, what's up, what's up?
What do you got for me?
- It's your meal, Mr. George.
Compliments of the management.
- Well, I hope dessert is included.
- I don't know, let me check.
- 'Cause I would love a piece of pie or
maybe a little cherry in my mouth.
Or fuck your pussy with my tongue.
Fuck your pussy with my tongue.
Pussy with my tongue.
Fuck with your pussy with my.
Uh, I'll pay you $500.
- How 'bout a thousand?
- You drive a hard bargain, girlie.
- It will be worth it, Mr. George.
(beatboxing)
- My dismal life has no meaning.
Soon I will end this wretched existence
and shrug off the mortal coil.
Misery is my sole companion.
So, let the curtains fall where they may.
Well, Coach, how was that?
- Try it again, Sophie, but this time
try to really connect
with your character's
personal torment and inner demons.
- Okay, here we go.
My dismal life has no meaning.
Soon I will end this wretched existence
and shrug off the mortal coil.
Misery is my sole companion.
So, let the curtains fall where they may.
- Stop!
What
are you doing?
- I'm acting.
- But, why must you speak in such a
monotone?
- I don't speak in a monotone.
- Yes, you do.
- Well, you're the professional actor.
Whatever you say must be right.
- Let's just try it again and this time
slow down and concentrate
on your breathing.
- What about the method?
Can you teach me the method?
- You are not ready
for the method.
- Okay, let me try again.
Oh, hey Coach, how's my presence?
- Your presence is fine.
Just try it again.
- Okay.
My dismal life has no meaning.
Soon I will end this wretched existence
and shrug off the mortal coil.
Soon I will end this wretched existence
and shrug off the mortal coil.
Misery is my sole companion.
So, let the curtains fall where they may.
- That was fine, Sophie, just fine.
But, let's wrap it up for today, shall we?
And, I'll see you tomorrow.
But, please, please try
to remember what we went over today.
And, I have some reading for you.
- Thanks, Coach.
You know something, Coach.
On that last try, I really felt something.
I was focused.
I was free.
You know something, I think I'm getting
the hang of this acting thing.
Bye, Coach.
- Jody, look at this headline.
This paper is on every newstand in town.
- It's a fucking French newspaper.
Who the fuck, hey, you
wanna know something.
You wanna know something
fucking important?
- What?
- I just got myself
fucking importantly laid by a fucking
sweet fucking hottie.
- Yippie.
Jody, read the headline.
- Jody George is god.
That's not a fucking bet, what.
- It says Jody George is gay.
(exploding)
- How the fuck can anyone
think that Jody George is gay?
Look at me, Jody George is not gay.
Alright, alright, alright.
This is what you're gonna do.
You're gonna call my publicist
and you get this fucking
piece of shit,
- No.
frog ass headline changed.
- No, it's too late.
- What the fuck do you mean it's too late.
Jody George is not gay.
That's a lie, change the headline.
What the fuck else does
this newspaper say?
- Well.
- Oh no, no, what, come on.
Read it, read it, read it, read it.
Jody George, let me guess.
Jody George fucks his mom.
Jody George screws his pooch.
Shit.
- Can I finish?
Well, it says that you
were spotted at a gay bar
with Pierre Le Chapeau
and that you two were seen holding hands
sipping champagne from the
same glass and kissing.
- Pierre Le Chapeau?
- Yeah.
Pierre Le Chapeau?
- Yeah.
The guys a fucking second rate hack.
I beat him six one, six one,
- Yeah, I know.
six four in that stupid
- I know.
ass Monte Carlo Tournament.
- I know.
I didn't even want to go to.
That bastard hasn't even fucking
cracked the top 20.
- Well, that may not be but
this paper says that he is openly gay.
- What the fuck, who cares.
I beat him in under 70 minutes.
Alright, alright, alright, alright.
I beat him and maybe I took him out
for a couple of fucking drinks.
How am I supposed to know he's gay?
- Well, apparently, there were
quite a few witnesses to your little date
including a bartender and a couple of
off-duty cops who said that you
and Pierre Le Chapeau were carrying on
like a couple of lovebirds.
- The fuck is going on?
What the fuck is going on?
- Calm down.
I will take care of everything.
- It's not fair.
You know what I'm saying?
It's just not fair.
I've worked my whole life to be number one
and now everyone wants
to write that Jody George
is some kind of fucking fruit bat.
Well, I'm number one.
That's what they should write about.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a
minute, hold on a second now.
Listen to me.
Jody George wants you to
know something alright.
Jody George is not a homosexual.
Comprende?
- Yes, Jody.
Alright, 'cause Jody George likes pussy.
Alright, Jody George likes fucking pussy.
Grab it, flip it, rub it down
and all.
- Word, yeah, I understand.
I understand.
- Good.
Then you fucking take care of this shit
and clear my name.
My family finds out, they'll shit.
So, work it.
- Where are my tax accountants?
Greenberg and Greenberg.
The best that money can buy.
Where are they?
I hate this time of year.
(buzzing)
J, see who that is.
It had better be Greenberg and Greenberg.
Damn it, I thought it was my tax guys.
Hey, I didn't order any
Chinese take out today.
You boys must have the wrong address.
- [J] Sophie, this is
Greenberg and Greenberg.
- Hi, I'm Greenberg and this is Greenberg.
- Oops.
- George, relax, you did the right thing.
- Oh, I don't know, Mr. Peepers.
I feel like such a meanie.
I had no right to speak
to that woman like that.
- George, you are suffering
from an unhealthy case
of liberal guilt.
- What do you mean?
- You know, liberal guilt.
The plague that's
ravishing our population.
It's reducing us to a pack of
spineless, whimpering fools.
Enough with your guilt ridden blubbering.
That stupid lady was
getting on your nerves
and so you called her a
bitch and you kicked her out.
- But, I could've been more tactful.
- Fuck tact.
- My my, Mr. Peepers, such language.
- Here, George, have a drink.
- Mr. Peepers, what have I told you
about drinking at the workplace?
It's against the rules.
- Whoops, George, how right you are.
So sorry, so sorry.
(magical music)
- Uh, Ms. Sophie, what should we put down
your occupation as?
- Oh, well, Greenberg number one.
I am, first and foremost, a video artist.
And, a fashion designer.
And, a painter.
Oh, actress.
Photographer.
Producer.
Art director.
Oh, image consultant.
Hey, J, did I leave anything out?
- No, Sophie, I think
that about covers it.
- Oh, shut up, J.
He's just jealous of my raw talent.
Just ignore him.
Oh, oh, put down that
I'm also a playwright.
And, a performance artist.
And, a --
- How the fuck could anyone think
that Jody George is a homosexual?
Alright, alright.
Jody George is not a homosexual.
And, it's not fucking
fair because you know
I worked all my life.
I worked all my life to become number one.
And, now that I am number one,
all they wanna say is Jody
George is a freaking flamer.
And, I swear to God, I
catch that mother fucker
who told that fucking
lie, I'll fucking lop off
his mother fucking balls.
(ringing)
No one fucking calls, screening mother
fucking cheap ass.
(ringing)
Hello.
- [Man On Phone] Hello,
this is Jody George?
- Yeah, this is Jody George.
- Jody, my boy, this is Harrison.
Harrison Sterling.
- Hey, Harrison, what's up?
- [Harrison] Well.
Oh, I'm sure you heard
and I'll tell you again.
Jody George is fucking
number one in the globe.
Jody George is number one
on the face of the earth.
Numero uno fucking ........
I, why I am fucking it.
- Yes, I've heard.
- Hey, you know I'm gonna
give your shoe company
a lot of bang for the buck, right.
I mean, I'm number one in the world.
I wanna renegotiate my contract.
You know with my number one ranking
you can go sell a shit load of shoes.
More than you've ever sold before.
- Jody, what's all this fag business?
- Look, it's some French
gossip newspaper thing, okay.
It's nothing to get
bent out of shape about.
- Jody, are you gay?
- Hey, hey, hey, hold on, hold on here.
Alright, listen.
Jody George is not a homosexual.
I don't know what happened
but this whole thing is gonna blow over.
- Well, for your sake, let's hope it does.
Let's hope it does.
We're going to lose a lot of business
if the public thinks that you're a fag.
And, they're not going to buy Riva Shoes
if they think you're some kind
of god damn flaming queen.
- Listen to me, alright, please, Harrison.
Jody George is not a queer.
I don't know what happened
with the press, okay.
I don't know.
I'm not a scientist.
- If this situation isn't resolved soon,
you're going to find your
ass floating in space
with no sponsorship whatsoever.
- Oh, Harrison, please relax.
Everything is gonna be under control.
- It had better be, Jody.
I'll be in touch.
- Yeah.
(dialtone ringing)
Hello?
- [Sophie] What are you talking about,
Greenberg and Greenberg?
How can you charge me $7,000
for my lousy tax preparation?
- [Greenberg #1] Well, Ms. Sophie,
there was a lot of paperwork
because of your 27 different occupations.
- So, that's the price I have to pay
for being a renaissance woman.
So, I owe you boys $7,000.
- [Both Greenbergs] Yes.
- Will you take a check?
- [Both Greenbergs] Yes.
- Okay, you'll get your money.
Would you like some?
Well, let's make it $6,000 that I owe you
and then I'll get you stoned.
- [Both Greenbergs] Okay.
- Have you ever tried this stuff?
- I had some once at my
cousin, Morty's, barmitzvah.
(bubbling)
(spitting)
- Oy vey.
- You dopey Jew.
You're as clumsy as a Siberian ox.
Where's J?
J, J.
J, alert, alert, we
have a bong water spill.
I repeat, we have a bong water spill.
I think you Greenberg
fellas had better get going.
- But, what about our money?
- The check is in the mail.
Now scram, chop chop.
(cellphone ringing)
J, J, I need you here.
J, J, I have a bong
water spill here, over.
J, we have a bong water spill.
J, I need you here now, over.
J, where are you?
J.
- Jody, Jody George, you look like shit.
Like shit.
(rock and roll music)
- [Radio Personnel] Rio De Janeiro.
Jody George behind two games to one
in a quarterfinal match and punches out
a 10 year old ballboy who inadvertently
coughs during a crucial service point.
The ballboy is hospitalized
with a concussion
and Jody George is ejected
from the tournament.
Jody George settles out of court
with the ballboy and his family.
(rock and roll music)
Australia Open.
During the pregame
warm-up, Jody George kicks
a stray dog that has wandered
onto the center court area.
He is fined $10,000 but goes
on to win the tournament.
(rock and roll music)
Frankfurt, Jody George places
second in that tournament
and during a nationally
televised live interview,
he calls Germany "a country full of nazis,
goons and pussy-boys."
He is fined $25,000 by the
International Tennis Association
and put on two weeks probation.
During an interview the next day,
he calls the president of the I.T.A.
"a crater-faced jewboy."
Jody George is fined
an additional $10,000.
(rock and roll music)
Boca Raton.
Jody George stops playing
in the men's single finals
when his pet chimpanzee,
Bubba, is not given
a front-court seat at the tennis arena.
Jody George resumes play
only after the tournament
director makes a public apology to Bubba
and promises to take the chimp
out for a night on the town.
Jody George goes on to win the match,
six one, six one, six null.
(rock and roll music)
(mumbling)
(barking)
(huffing)
- My, my, my, my, Mr. Peepers.
Where is that fellow?
Mr. Peepers.
He really should be more careful
about where he deposits his mess.
Oh my gosh.
This is not a very pleasant situation.
Feces everywhere, feces everywhere.
(magical music)
- Having fun, George?
- Now, look here, Mr. Peepers.
I'm upset with you.
Will you look at this mess on my desk.
What has gotten into you?
- Look at me, George.
I'm a dog.
Shit happens.
- Well, next time, use your
litter box or go outside.
- George, your phone is ringing.
(ringing)
- Hello, Urban Dog Placement Center,
this is George speaking.
How can I help you?
- [Woman On Phone] George?
- Mom?
(suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music)
- [Mom] Now, why did I call you, anyway?
Oh yes, I wanted to invite
you for dinner tonight.
You aren't doing anything, are you?
We miss you here so much, right Hugo?
(barking)
- Oh, mom.
- [Mom] I'm making your favorite.
Meatloaf with brown gravy
and those little candied carrots.
They cost an arm and a leg.
Not in season, not in
season those carrots.
But, like the Reader's Digest says,
you have to treat yourself
every once in a while.
- Mom, you know I don't eat meat.
I haven't eaten meat in three years.
- [Mom] Oh, that's right.
You're a vegetarius.
- Vegetarian.
- [Mom] Vegetarian.
- Listen, Mom.
I really should be going.
There's been an emergency here.
- [Mom] George, I really worry about you
sitting alone all day in that dog office.
And, you're probably overworked, right?
- Uh.
Oh, you know, it's not
as bad as you think, Mom.
I actually sort of enjoy being here all
by myself.
- [Mom] I just worry, George.
And, it ain't good for
a human to be all alone
for so many hours.
It doesn't sound natural.
It just doesn't sound natural at all.
- Oh.
Don't worry about me, Mom.
(panting)
- You fucking looking at my ass?
You're fucking, you're fucking sorry.
You're fucking looking at my ass.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, you're fucking sorry.
Fucking sorry.
Fucking, fucking.
Fucking, fucking.
Fucking asshole looking at my fucking.
Fuck.
Bitch.
Go fuck you.
Think I'm a fucking queer.
Fuck.
I'm fucking number one in this
fucking world.
And, you're a fucking fag.
And, my fucking dick
fucking every pussy.
I like big pussy.
I like big pussy.
I like big fucking pussy.
And, I'm a fucking
mother fucking good person.
So, fuck you.
Fuck you, fuck you.
- Well, J, I'm glad my
damn taxes are done.
Have you called the modeling agency?
- Yes, I have, Sophie,
and the girls should
be arriving here in 15 minutes.
- Now, when the model pussy gets here,
I want you to be very professional.
We'll have a little time
to weed out the ugly ones
and then we've got to get
the video shoot underway.
I also want you to make
sure the camera crew
is on location and ready to go.
- I've already taken care of that.
- And, listen, J, I
don't want any fuck ups.
This is my first music
video and I wanna make sure
that everything goes smoothly.
Got it?
- Yes, Sophie.
- If we do a good job today,
we're going to be on Easy Street.
Okay, any questions?
- Yeah, just one.
What band was this video for?
- Oh, it's um.
God damn it, it's something like.
You know something, J.
That's a really stupid question.
What's important is
that we get these models
to shake their tits and buns for us.
Let's not forget our priorities, J.
Priorities are what separate
us from the savages.
- Yes, Sophie.
- I must work.
I must remain focused for the video shoot.
I must not get distracted.
(whooshing)
(funky music)
(car alarm blaring)
Damn it, I must work.
I must remain focused for the video shoot.
I must not get distracted.
♫ Homosexual we love you
♫ Homosexual things you do
♫ Homosexual kill Dan White
♫ Homosexual what's it like
♫ Don't like boys you like girls
♫ Living in your faggot world
♫ Talking sex with lawyer's wives
♫ Sneaking out to meet the guys
♫ Homosexual I'm ashamed
♫ Homosexual that's your name
♫ Homosexual where's the blame
♫ Homosexual I can't explain.
♫ Homosexual we love you
- [Manager] Well, it looks like the shit
has really hit the fan.
- Yeah, yeah, it really does.
You know, you were supposed to stop this.
You were supposed to fucking
get this fucking shit changed.
- Jody, it's too late.
- You're fucking damn right it's too late.
The whole fucking world
thinks that Jody George
is a fucking crack monster.
Jody George rim master supremo.
- Jody you have got--
- You fucking suck.
You have got
- You're the worst fucking
to cool down.
- manager I ever saw.
You have gotta cool down.
- Yeah, get calmed down?
- Yes.
I oughta calm down and fucking fire you.
You fucking lame brain.
- You can't fire me.
- Oh yeah?
Why the fuck can't I fire you,
you fucking good for nothing skunk, huh?
- You gonna make this ugly?
- Why can't I fire you?
I'll get uglier than you.
- Oh yeah?
Fucking pussy.
- You can't fire me.
Because I'm the only
one who that can speak
to your sponsors and keep things civil.
- Oh, get, just get
the fuck outta my room.
- You don't get it, do you?
Without me,
you lose all your contacts
with all your sponsors.
I can do damage control
and help save most of your clients.
- Yeah, right, you do that.
You do that and you can stay.
- [Manager] Damn right.
But, I'm increasing my percentage.
- Fuck you, you're getting 30%.
- Yeah, and I want 40%.
- You're getting 30%.
- I want 40%.
And, if I don't get that
40%, I'm outta here.
I've got other athletes
to take care of you know.
- Yeah, fine fine.
Whatever, whatever, take it.
- Why thank you, Jody.
- Take it.
You want 50?
Fuck you.
- I hope you don't mind if I
taped our little verbal agreement.
You can't be too safe.
- In your pocket every fucking day.
Give me something for my nose.
- Why, of course, Jody.
Valium?
Here take two.
- Give me two.
Cheer up, Jody George.
You're number one in the world.
- Hello, girls, hello.
Just make yourselves comfortable.
My name is Sophie and
this is my assistant, J.
I have a few more things to take care of
so please be patient.
Will you look at them, J.
I've never seen an uglier bunch of cows.
- Don't worry, they're
going to look hideous
until we get them into hair and makeup.
- Look at the thighs on that one.
Talk about cottage cheese on a drumstick.
I've never seen so much
cellulite in my life.
- They're not that bad.
Come on, let's just get to work.
- What do you mean, look
at the face on that one.
Broken capillaries, enlarged pores,
wrinkles, blackheads and ingrown hairs.
I've seen salad bars that
look better than that girl.
And, look at that other girl over there.
Ms. Mustache, if she had
anymore of an underbite
we could use her as an ashtray.
My God, are we looking at models now
or is this the casting call
for Auschwitz My Years in Hell.
- Look, Sophie, it's too late to get
new model pussy from the agency.
I think we should just go ahead,
shoot the video with the girls we have.
They really do look fine to me.
- Oh my God, J, who asked you?
Why aren't there any darker ones?
You know, some flavor.
There's no flavor in this room.
We don't even have an Oriental girl.
I thought I requested some color.
Where's the color?
Where's the flavor?
Damn that agency, this will not do.
This will not do.
How can I make my music video
with this room full of rejects?
I'm an artist, God damn
it, not a plastic surgeon.
Get me the agency on the phone.
J, get me the agency on the phone.
(coughing)
And, J.
What about that bottle of lung pills.
Have you found me that
bottle of lung pills, yet?
(coughing)
- Urban Dog Placement Center,
this is George speaking.
Um, you're with what office?
- The City Personnel Office, you know,
hirings, firings, promotions,
raises, retirements.
Anyway, we understand you've
been severely understaffed
and we apologize for the delay.
The good news is that your
request has gone through.
- What are you talking about?
- You're request for a
full-time office assistant
has been approved.
- A full-time office assistant?
- That's right.
All of your forms and
paperwork seem to be in order.
You can expect your
new assistant to arrive
on Monday morning at 8AM sharp.
- But, I really think I've
got things under control here.
- You'll finally get that
office help that you need.
Sheesh, if they had me
working seven months
all by myself, I would've quit.
- You know, it really
isn't so bad, I think--
- I just wouldn't have
been able to handle it.
I just have to be around people.
George, I just wanted to call
and give you the good news.
- Okay.
Thanks.
Bye.
(barking)
- Hello, Zeitgeist management.
I'd like to talk to
Chenille, this is Sophie.
Hello, Chenille, darling, how are you?
Good, well listen.
Those models you sent over will not do.
They're all so hideous.
I thought I was getting your best girls.
You sent me a bunch of oily-faced,
cellulite-ridden, zitty hos.
I can't make my music video with the girls
you sent over, Chenille.
And, what about the flavor?
I need some black ones,
I need some Orientals,
something ethnic.
All you sent me was
milquetoast, god damn it.
Milquetoast.
No, you relax, Chenille.
You call your business a modeling agency,
4H Club is more like it.
I'm sending the god damn cows home.
Moo.
J, I want you to send
the model pussy home.
- Now, what about the video?
- Now, stop with your stupid questions.
Just do what I say, send
the girls home, chop chop.
- What do I tell them?
- Are you a moron, J?
Tell them the truth.
Tell them they look fat.
Tell them they look hideous.
Tell them they aren't getting paid.
Now, get rid of them.
They're making my eyeballs bleed.
Chop chop.
(defeated music)
(water running)
(coughing)
(ringing)
- Hello.
- Jody, it's me.
Yeah, what's up?
- Well, things have
gone from bad to worse.
Some of your clothing sponsors
have cancelled their contracts.
The rest are monitoring events
and preparing to act.
- What about Harrison
and the shoe contract?
(buzzing)
- I'm afraid it's a little
late for that, Jody.
They're sending their
lawyers over tonight.
I have a feeling they're
going to cancel their contract
and terminate the deal to save face.
- Okay, Mike, we'll see ya.
- [Woman On TV] No, no, no, no.
Wait just a minute.
- [Man On TV] Now,
that's what happens here.
- [Woman On TV] Excuse me.
(laughing)
- [Man On TV] Dude, I sure
won't be communicating with...
(barking)
- Mail call, George, my boy.
- Uh, thank you, Mr. Peepers.
Mr. Peepers, there's something
I'd like to discuss with you.
- What is it, George, my boy.
- Well, uh, Mr. Peepers,
I just got a phone call
a little while ago.
It was the City Personnel Office.
And, well, they've assigned,
uh, me a new assistant.
So, starting Monday,
there will be someone else
in this office besides us and, um,
what I'm trying to say is that, um,
this is a small office and, um,
well, you know, there will be
another person in here besides us
on Monday and, um,
well, what I'm saying is that, um,
that it was fine here
with just you and me.
But, that, um, with another
person moving in here
that, um, maybe this office might just be
a bit too crowded for three.
- So, that's the way you feel, George?
- Come on, Mr. Peepers, you're
taking this the wrong way.
We can still get together for lunch,
for coffee breaks.
- You know something, George.
You're right, it's just
gonna be too crowded.
(magical music)
(whinning)
(buzzing)
(crackling)
- [Woman On Radio] Including rings.
(speaking foreign language)
(blow dryer running)
(electrocuting)
(yelling)
(somber music)
- I can't believe what a disaster
that music video shoot turned into.
And, all because of that
dumb modeling agency
that sent me those ugly heffers.
- Sophie, what are you going
to tell the record company?
You've already spent the entire budget
for the music video and you
have nothing to show for it.
- I don't know what
I'm going to tell them.
Hey, J, did you see the
way those people back there
were staring at me?
- What people?
- That crowd, don't turn around.
I think they're still staring.
J, I'm being recognized in public.
- No, you aren't, Sophie, get real.
- No, no, those people know who I am.
I can sense these things.
Do you have a pen on you?
- What are you talking about?
- You know, J, a pen.
We have to be ready if
they want my autograph.
Now, where are my eight by ten headshots?
I hope I brought them.
- Electric bill.
Phone bill.
Rent.
Doggy pharmaceuticals.
Attention, George, you could
be our next $7,000,000 winner.
(tearing)
(barking)
Dear Mr. George.
I wanted to write you
this letter to tell you
how happy I am with my
new best friend, Peaches.
I love him so much and we
have so much fun together.
I don't have many friends.
But with Peaches,
I have a brand new best friend.
Thank you for helping
me to choose Peaches.
He's perfect for me and I think
he's the best pet in the world.
Love Amelia.
Thank you, Amelia.
Thank you.
Now, George.
Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
It is National Beagle Week.
And, you've got some fine
pups to find homes for.
So, times a wasting.
Let's get to work.
Okay.
- Jody, it's Maria.
I'm here with more dessert.
(screaming)
(glass breaking)
(camera clicking)
(camera clicking)
(camera clicking)
(camera clicking)
(camera clicking)
- I think they're still staring at me, J.
- Get real, Sophie,
nobody's staring at you.
- Shut up, J.
You're just jealous because
they don't recognize you.
- Sophie, when are you
going to snap out of it.
You are a nothing.
The world doesn't know who you are
and also doesn't care who you are.
You are a nothing and a nobody.
- J, how dare you talk to me like that.
- You know what, Sophie, you
are the ultimate nothing.
- Shut up, J.
- And, I've had it with
your pathetic enterprise.
I can't believe that I've
stayed with you this long.
You can take your $20 an hour job
and shove it up your puckered ass.
As of this moment, I am
no longer your assistant.
I quit.
- J, You can't quit.
- Oh, yes I can, Sophie, oh, yes I can.
- Please, J, come back.
Come on, J.
Please come back.
J.
Come back.
♫ So now you found paradise
♫ No one's bothering you
♫ Pull back the welcome mat
♫ It's a sign
♫ You're too busy
♫ You don't have time
♫ Once people kept calling
♫ That bring ends of pollen
♫ Now it's it's quiet
♫ Unplugged in the hall
♫ Your number's forgotten
♫ Nobody calls
♫ Isn't lonely lovely
♫ Isn't lonely lovely
♫ It's a fine life really
♫ Isn't lonely lovely
Okay, you people, mark my words.
This is going to be a college radio hit.
Okay.
I think I'm ready.
- Okay, I hope so, take 23.
Sophie, rolling.
♫ I've got a brand new car
♫ I'm gonna go real far
♫ I'm gonna play my guitar
♫ I'm a superstar
♫ I rock all day
♫ I rock all night
♫ My name is Sophie
♫ I'm out of sight
♫ My beats are fresh
♫ My rhymes are funky
♫ One listen to me
♫ And you'll become my junky
♫ Got a brand new car
♫ Gonna go real far
♫ Gonna play my
♫ Hustler I'm a hustler
♫ And I'm crazy dumb and out of you
♫ Hustler hustler
♫ And I'm heading over two by two
♫ Oh yeah
♫ Heading over two by two
♫ Naughty lay it
♫ Big dog
♫ Hurry up and kiss me Kate
♫ Oh baby it's cold outside
♫ I don't know how long to wait
♫ And I'm moving down Eighth Avenue
♫ Hustler hustler and I'm
(fun music)
(clapping and cheering)