F.A.R.T. The Movie (1991) - full transcript
Russell has two passions: watching television and farting! He also loves Heather. Heather HATES farting. The eternal triangle! One day she warns him, "if they ever allow farting on ...
[dramatic synthesizer music]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
[atmospheric synthesizer music]
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Me?
It wasn't me.
It was him.
It was not!
It was her.
How dare you?
♪ Rolling on the highway ♪
♪ Rolling out a mobile home ♪
♪ When I get back home, I like
to keep my tailpipe warm ♪
♪ Laying in the tub I like
to blow out a bubble or two ♪
♪ Well, honey don't you know I
always save the best for you ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ Staring at the cooler, I
like a little apple juice ♪
♪ And it makes it extra special ♪
♪ When I know that you are there ♪
♪ Goin' to the kitchen
warming up a can of beans ♪
♪ Cover it with catsup, it's
a whole mess right there ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ If you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that be your pass ♪
Primo lady.
Real primo stuff.
Leave me alone.
What do you think you're
trying to pull here?
What do you think this is?
Hey, I've been in a lot of
crappers in my life, lady,
but I never smelled anything like that.
Get lost!
Beautiful.
[upbeat music]
[Russell farts]
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
Damn, I told her I hate day old meatloaf.
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ Life's ♪
[Russell farts]
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
[upbeat music]
[farts]
[farts]
[humming]
Any reminders for me today, Ethel?
Eight o'clock tonight,
Moby Dick on Channel 3.
Thanks Ethel.
104.
How you guys doing?
Moby Dick's on tonight.
[humming]
Honey, is that you?
Russell, are you there?
In the flesh.
Oh, hi honey. [smacks lips]
When there's a commercial,
will you come on up?
I'll be up in a second, Heather.
[farts]
Channel 2, nine o'clock.
Channel 4
10 o'clock.
[farts]
[TV] Hey, Roxie, I taught
Rocks how to count.
[farts]
We gotta help
[spits]
How was your day, sweetheart?
[farts]
Nothing special, what's for dinner?
Honey, you know what tonight is.
Of course I know what tonight is.
It's New Year's Eve.
You said we'd go out and celebrate.
I didn't say for sure, honey,
I said we'd talk about it.
Heather, head for the trenches.
It's the big one coming.
[ground rumbles]
[farts excessively]
Whoa, whoa.
4.90, best one this week.
[laughs]
Aftershock coming!
[ground rumbles]
[farts excessively]
[sighs]
Ha, ha.
[farts]
Bingo.
[doorbell rings]
How you doing, Mr. N.,
brought by your regular.
[farts]
Yeah.
Wanna come in and have a
brewsky with me, Kevin?
[Kevin] Gee, I'd really like to, Mr. N,
but you know how it is, New
Year's Eve, and all that.
Got a lot of deliveries to make.
Well, maybe another time.
[defeated music]
Wanna brewski, babe?
No, I don't wanna beer,
I want you to get ready.
I am ready.
Ready for you babe.
[farts]
No you don't, not this time.
It's New Year's Eve.
You promised me on your word of honor
that we were to go out and have some fun.
Like what?
You know, dance,
boogie,
get down, go crazy.
Are you nuts?
You expect me to go out
on one of the best nights on the tube
and miss a cavalcade of talent?
Yes.
Not on your life.
I mean, we got choices here, babe.
We could chuckle with Johnny or Redd,
pretend we're on the
Bandstand with the Clarksman,
rap with MC on MTV,
watch the Hulkster or little Stevie Urkel,
sneak a peak at Mr. Ed,
or catch a flick on Nick.
[farts]
[sighs]
And then we can get it
on with the big ball.
And when it goes down, I go up.
And at the stroke of midnight,
it'll be our own personal
fireworks display, babe.
Come on, Russell, you're not being fair.
We haven't been out together
in almost seven months.
I wanna party tonight,
not listen to you pass.
Wanna party, we'll party.
Call up a few people, invite 'em over.
We got plenty of suds,
lots of chips and dip,
and I'll cook us up some
of my very own special:
guaranteed to set you right
and clear up your nasal drip chili.
[farts]
Invite who, Russell?
We don't have any friends
anymore, remember?
Whatcha mean we don't have any friends?
We got plenty of friends.
Name some.
Robin and Justine.
We haven't seen Robin and
Justine for over six months.
Yeah, right.
What about Wilford and Beth?
Haven't seen them for a year.
Dale and Linda?
Hiram and Camille?
Well, what about that nice couple, uh,
the one next door, Lucy and Richard?
They moved out two months ago.
They did, why?
They couldn't take it anymore.
Take what? [farts]
That!
What?
That, what you just did.
I didn't do anything.
[farts]
[Heather] You see, you did it again.
I, I broke wind.
Nothing wrong with that.
Nothing wrong with it?
It's a bad habit, Russell.
Don't you understand,
you're obsessed with
doing it all the time.
Not true. [farts]
The only thing you're more obsessed with
is that stupid boob tube.
If they ever allowed that,
that habit of yours on television,
you'd never leave the house.
The way you keep bringing
it up all the time,
you're obsessed with my obsession.
I am not obsessed with your obsession.
It just bothers me.
You should learn to control
yourself a little more,
that's all.
I let off a little gas now and then.
No big deal.
A little gas?
You've got enough gas in you
to solve the world's energy crisis.
If George Bush knew about you,
he would have left Saddam
Hussein keep Kuwait.
[farts]
[sighs]
Ugh,
you see?
You don't even know when you do it.
Of course I know when I do it.
No you don't.
You do it so much now
that even dogs and
children run away from you.
Passing gas is nature's way
of putting a grin on your face
and a smile in your heart.
And a knife in everyone else's heart.
Come on, Heather.
Everybody's gotta relieve
the old digestive system
once in a while.
Not like you.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I happen to know
Dan Quale can clear the senate chamber
in a matter of seconds.
I even heard your mother
let off a bomb or two.
My mother doesn't...
Say it.
Bomber.
The real gazoo.
Slice city, the little sneaker,
the big As far as I'm concerned,
I do not wish to discuss
this subject any further.
Case closed.
Fart.
Fart,
fart.
Fart.
Are you coming with me tonight, or not?
[laughs]
When you say fart.
Say it, fart, [farts] fart.
Fart, fart, fart, fart, fart.
[screams]
[laughs]
[farts]
[upbeat music]
♪ Get yourself alone and
get yourself a beer ♪
♪ Go on and sit back on a mobile ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Well, I had a bad dream ♪
♪ But it gets good ♪
♪ Just get me Hannah ♪
♪ If she can't call you ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
[people chatting]
Heather, so good to see you.
You know, it's funny,
Duane was just saying,
"I wonder if Heather
and Russell are coming,"
and now, here you are.
What a small world.
It's good to see you, too, April.
Duane, aren't you going
to say hello to Heather?
Duane?
Uh, yes dear.
Hello, Heather.
Nice to see you.
I say, nice.
Where's Russell?
He couldn't make it.
He's a little under the weather.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I was so looking forward to seeing him.
So, tell me,
has his little problem cleared up yet?
Oh, there you are, dearie.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
I came to rescue you.
April and Duane are such
little farts, aren't they?
Why such a long face?
You're supposed to be
happy on New Year's Eve,
not an old sad sack.
What you need is a good stiff drink.
No, no, I don't wanna drink.
You know it makes me feel silly.
Tell Lavina what's wrong
between you and Russell.
There's nothing wrong.
Mmm, come, come.
Lavina knows when there's
trouble in the air.
Really.
Everything's just fine, except...
Except for what?
[Heather] Except for Russell's habit.
No one wants to be around us anymore.
It's like we don't exist.
Whenever anyone sees Russell coming,
they do a 180 and disappear.
Even our cat moved out.
Well, I'm glad you told me
because I have the perfect
solution to your predicament.
You do?
Mouthwash, dearie.
Mouthwash?
Why mouthwash?
Because Russell's breath is so bad
it could knock the
buzzards off a shit wagon.
Are you sure you're
talking about my Russell?
Russell Nussbomber?
The one and the same.
Harry Halitosis Nussbomber. [laughs]
You in a court, not Clancy's pool room.
Sit down.
I'm a victim of circumstance.
Ah.
Who you hittin'?
Ow!
Get going.
[chuckling]
Be quiet, keep quiet.
I got my food.
I got my friends.
I got my farting.
Who needs Heather?
And I got my TV set.
What do you think of that show?
Proceed.
Ow!
It's funny, right?
You don't like this show?
In the water.
As a matter of fact,
everybody in the water.
Guys, come on, let's go, come on.
[laughing]
[farts]
[sighs]
[upbeat music]
Russell doesn't have bad breath.
Russell
he has...
He farts!
[chuckles] There, I said it.
What are you gonna do about it?
Fart!
Fart!
Fark!
Do you fark?
Well, yes, yes ma'am, on occasion.
Only when the need arises.
But can you hold it in if you have to?
Well, I do my best.
Russell can't.
He's obsessed with farting.
[Russell] Because you're
obsessed with my obsession.
Did you hear that?
Oh, Joan.
Oh, Leah!
We're so glad you're back.
A woman's place is in
the home next to her man,
not out gallivanting at some dumb party.
Now, everybody kiss everybody.
Leonora, you think Kiss Pete.
Oh, David, you're completely impossible.
Where are you, Heather?
[TV characters chatting]
[static hissing]
[guns firing]
[western music]
[Heather] If they ever allowed that,
that habit of yours on television,
you would never leave the house.
[static hissing]
Don't you just hate it when people fart?
You're having a nice romantic dinner,
and you lean over the table
and look deeply into her eyes,
and she farts, real loud,
not a slider.
There are many ways not
to use the word fart.
She says, "Spring is in the air,"
and you say, "Right, it was
until your spring sprung."
In the 1300's we'd say
that Gwendolyn broke wind.
Now that sounds like a nasty fart.
A healthy cow produces 1,000
times more flatulence a year
than a healthy person.
But we don't generally
take cows to dinner.
They'd be a bit shocked to
see what prime rib really is.
Farting is simply a body function.
You call 'em as you smell 'em.
Was it a fart or simply
your husband's cooking?
Why ruin the English language
trying to explain farting?
We say, "Oh, I ate something
that didn't agree with me."
"What?"
"You had a heated political discussion"
"with some green onions?"
"So you ate them just to get revenge."
And why do people point to
the dog when their companion
smells their fart?
Even my dog, after she farts, stands up,
looks at the nearest person,
nods her head, says aha,
and lays back down again.
Someday, there won't be
a person there for her
and she'll have to face the awful truth.
Someday, the dog won't be there for you.
Farts have invaded our language.
On TV we have Fart Simpson,
a wiseass little kid.
In history, we have the word fartkin,
which means little fart.
What an endearing word.
It's almost Shakespearian.
Can you imagine?
Yonder comes Juliet with
her fair fartkin behind her.
Oh, and of course, a
sleeping bag is a fart sack.
You're camping.
What would be more seductive than to say,
"Oh, you ravishing beauty."
"Come and join me in my fart sack."
An old fart
is just someone that's been
hanging around in the wind
a little too long.
We call authors auteurs.
Do we call farters farteurs?
And what's a polite thing to say
when your date is farting a lot?
How about,
"I hate the smell of new car interiors."
So, watch her in a theater.
Try it anyway.
She might appreciate it.
And when did we begin describing farts
as low-flying ducks?
You know, you're in your bed
with your wife one night,
and you let one out. [blows raspberry]
You say,
"Low-flying ducks," and that explains it.
Sure, I'd rather have a
water fowl in my bedroom
at 2:00 a.m. too.
Yeah.
Well, we talk about farts be they fartkins
or major methane.
You can run and lie, or
you can run and hide.
But we all generally know who the farteur
in the group generally is.
So, don't blame the dog anymore.
Just argue harder with the onions.
This is Andy Rudney for the evening news.
[static hissing]
Do you suffer from
unnecessary gastric distress?
End bothersome flatulence
now by calling 1800STOPGAS.
This is a 24hour number
to the Vapor hotline
at the world famous Acetal Center.
This number has saved millions
of lives and relationships.
The Acetal Center is here to help you.
We at the Acetal Center
know the constant grinds and
churns of your intestines.
Are you nervous or anxious?
Is it stress,
or merely Mexican food?
If you or someone you
love has these symptoms,
get their ass to Acetal.
Remember, we're here to help.
Our list of clients include
people just like you.
With us today are a few of
those people to give testimonial
of what the Acetal Center can do for them.
Thank you, Harry, for
giving me the opportunity
to tell others how Acetal
has changed my life,
and brought me back into society.
Before Acetal, I was a
bubbling bag of asphyxia,
and I didn't even know it.
I work for myself,
and I find so much fulfillment
and freedom in working alone.
You see, I have the successful
and satisfying career
of envelope stuffing
that I just happened upon
when reading the label from
a can of refried beans.
I've never worked with anyone.
So I'd fart, and I'd think nothing of it.
I just never had a clue.
Sure, I'd feel these
innocent little wisps of wind
jetting past my cheeks,
but I was alone, so it didn't matter.
When a visitor came to
my house, I'd notice that
after a few minutes of their
being in a room with me,
they'd have developed an underbite
and start breathing heavily
through their mouth.
It took years for me to realize
that they were trying to
blow fresh air up their nose.
No one ever stayed for a very long time.
And those underbites had me baffled.
Occasionally, someone
would tactfully mention
that there was an awful
gas smell in the room.
Today, I am a changed woman,
and I have returned to society.
Lucy that is truly a
deep and touching story.
Could you tell our audience
about the support group
that you belong to?
Believe me folks, you are not alone.
I should mention that
the announcer is a member of
my terrific support group,
along with a host of others
that are here with us now.
Next, my friend and personal sponsor
would like to say a few words.
Howie?
Very nice introduction, Lucy.
I'm from Whistle Britches, Pennsylvania,
and I'm a member of Acetal.
One of the reasons that
we make this program work
is that we identify that we have a problem
and that we stink.
You have made a most
remarkable recovery, Mr. Farts.
Do you have any closing comments?
Yes.
This is an equal opportunity disease.
It affects all of us in society,
and that's why I'm here today.
I'm proud to say that I fart,
and now I'm an active member of Acetal,
the society that's helped
me belong to society again.
And I would like to add that
because of the animal
abuse facility at Acetal,
I am now a committed
animal rights activist.
[barking and laughing]
Thank you, Howie,
Lucy, and those of you who
didn't have a chance to speak,
remember as you sit there
farting into your sofa cushion
afraid to get up, that we can help you.
That number again is 1800STOPGAS.
I'm Harry Butts from the Acetal Center.
[upbeat music]
You wanna play doctor?
Okay.
You operate, and I'll sue.
[Mike] Well, if you miss her so much,
you know, you should go and tell her.
It doesn't matter that I miss her.
She doesn't miss me.
She's never gonna take me back.
I'm a jerk.
Why?
I mean, what could you have
done that's so terrible?
Did you hit her?
No, oh god, no.
I love her, Mike.
I would never do anything to her.
On purpose.
Then, she'll forgive you.
Listen, if I tell you why she left,
you have to keep this quiet.
I'm your roommate.
You can tell me.
Okay.
Mike,
I love to fart.
What?
I know it's not a good thing to do,
but it's just so much fun.
Farting?
Right.
For instance, Lisa and
I will go to the mall,
clothes shopping for her,
that's boring to me.
I just start farting.
Where?
Right there in the store.
I'd squeeze off a couple
of steamers, you know,
no noise, all smell.
Then I'd walk away and watch
someone else walk through it.
You're warped, man.
Still, there's nothing
better than a deep base fart
that they hear all through the store.
I had people stop on the
outside and comment on it.
Lisa left you because of your farting?
Right.
She couldn't understand it.
I tried to teach her to fart.
That's awful.
Well,
she just couldn't get the hang of it.
She wasn't built to break wind.
Now me, mmm, if the Olympics
had a farting event,
I could go home with a gold medal.
I'm sure your parents would be so proud.
Oh, hell, my dad was worse than I was.
He could rip one that
would cloud the whole room.
Ha.
When I was young, he would
take me to the office, and...
My favorite part was
we get on the elevator
I don't wanna hear this.
Listen.
He taught me how to modulate farting.
You see, I used to just let
go, full force, let 'em fly,
but he taught me that a subtle fart
has more power than a loud one.
Thrilling.
Really.
You know, I would love to stay and chat,
but I got some place to be.
Where?
Anywhere but here.
Listen, Dave, I don't,
I mean, I understand
Lisa's trip, but one
thing I don't understand
is that you and I have
been roommates six months.
I never heard you fart.
You know what you are?
You're a closet farter.
[upbeat music]
[farts]
[sighs]
[crying]
That's what happened to me and Heather.
I should have had her stay here with me.
I should have been nice to her.
If I was nice to her, none
of this would have happened.
I'm a nice guy.
So I fart.
There's nothing wrong with that.
[Announcer] All right,
let's bring him on, yeah.
[farts]
[sighs]
Thank you.
Actually, there are six
classifications of farts.
There is the fizz, fuzz,
fizz, fuzz, rip, shit, tear
your ass, and the rattler.
[audience laughs]
The most worse kind of fart though
is the fart that comes
without any warning at all.
You know, you're in a crowded room,
an elevator, somebody fluffs their buns,
and all of a sudden your
eyes start to water?
Little later, the smell comes there
without warning at all.
It's sort of the scud of farts.
[audience laughs]
That, my friend, is the
most unkindest fart of all.
Anyway, we call that an SBD.
It's sort of the stealth fart.
SBD is Silent, But Deadly.
[audience laughs]
Today's youth, however, are
missing the real enjoyment
of a good utilitarian fart.
I mean, the,
the reason God created
farts in the first place.
As an aside, when I was a kid,
I used to think that a fart
was a build up inside you
that was used to push the shit out.
[audience laughs]
I have been assured that is not the case.
Anyway, there is no greater pleasure
than going into a dark movie theater,
sitting down,
cutting an incredibly,
bodacious, fire-breathing fart,
and lighting it.
Now, that's kind of a
lost art, I admit that.
That's kind of a lost art.
It's gone away of the 25cent flick,
and pushing over outhouses,
and it's a damn shame.
For those of you who are
uninitiated with the,
the finer techniques of
lighting a fart, first of all,
they always look best in
a crowded dark theater.
[audience laughs]
What you do is you sit down
and you place your feet
in front of the chair in front of you.
You light a match and gently
place it between your legs,
and this is the important
part not to forget, then
you cut lose with an incredible fart.
I tell you, really,
there is nothing prettier
than seeing a six inch blue flame
coming shooting out of somebody's
[audience laughs]
[scoffs] How rude.
You don't know what you're talking about.
[toilet flushes]
[audience laughs]
However, the young
children must be advised
not to try this at home alone.
We were professionals.
[audience laughs]
And there can be nothing more sad
than watching someone that
you really love and care about
burn all the hair off his ass
by a lit fart gone astray.
[audience laughs]
The upside of this, however,
is that lit farts don't smell.
Now,
like necrophilia, everybody
has a really great fart story.
[audience laughs]
Unfortunately, most people have the good
common decency not to tell them.
No such luck here, for I will tell mine.
Happened in college, true story,
biology class, big amphitheater-type class,
filled with people.
And sitting next to me,
William Henry Ruple, III,
a wit in his own right.
William Henry, I believe,
was voted the most likely to
either assassinate a
president or a rock star.
The class was also filled
with a lot of gorgeous women
that I knew could have
been potential dates
until William Henry
decided to fluff his buns.
Not an SBD folks, this was a rattler.
This was a rattler that
this puppy had the potential
to get a Titan III rocket off the ground.
Now,
when the reverberation stopped in this
acoustically correct arena
and all heads start turning toward us...
Now, the average person, you see,
would be really embarrassed
in a situation like that,
but not William Henry.
He just looked at me and said,
just loud enough for everybody to hear,
"My god, Don, that was rude."
[audience laughs]
What could I say, what could I say?
Anyway, just leave you with
a couple of passing things,
one, a fart is a terrible thing to waste.
And second in the words of
Confucius, you all know,
Confucius say, man who fart
in church sit in own pew.
Thank you.
[audience applauds]
Oh,
god.
[upbeat music]
My husband's sleeping with his secretary.
Oh, you poor thing, but brace yourself.
Mine is dating the new
boy in the mail room.
[upbeat music]
[audience applauds]
Oh, thank you, thank you, this is...
Whoa.
I'm sorry, it's uh...
It seems the MC left a little
olfactory present up here for me.
I apologize.
I swear to God I'll do
jokes for you in a minute
soon as I can get some oxygen.
Just, just hang on.
I don't mean to waste
your time up here, but,
I swear to God, if I worked for CNN,
I'd be wearing a gas mask by now.
[audience laughs]
Oh, I don't mean to
offend anyone out there
who's, who's, you know,
really flatulent, but
God it's hard to tell jokes
when you're trying to figure out
how long a man can stand
in a cloud of noxious gas
without asphyxiating.
[laughing]
Oh, okay, I swear I'll
do my act in just a sec.
This is just awful up here, man.
Can we turn on some air
conditioning or something,
do some quick repairs on
that wind he just broke?
'Cause this is harming me.
I don't, I don't mean to
sound like one of these
reactionary antiflatulationists
we've seen around.
That's not, that's not the point.
I do it myself now and again
when I need to, not just for fun.
If you do, I guess that's
okay, too, but I just,
not up here, 'cause I
gotta work here, man.
All right, I do.
I apologize, I'll get down to this.
It's just, ugh.
Y'all, don't be embarrassed.
Do we have any particularly
flatulent people here tonight?
[women cheering]
Oh, yeah, just the MC, me once in a while,
and one lady sitting alone at a table.
[audience laughs]
Oh my god.
It's not a thing to be ashamed of.
I don't mean to be making
fun of you, if, if,
'cause, you know, I'm
sure everyone in this room
has farted at least one time.
Well, not at one time,
that's not a pretty picture.
At one time or another,
I'm sure we've all done it.
You have to, really, otherwise I guess
you fill up with methane
and float off into space.
[audience laughs]
That's good, just sit tight.
I swear I will do jokes for you in
just a second, as soon
as my eyes stop burning.
I'll be all over this thing.
Aye.
I know it's gotten ridiculous,
and I don't think the
time is that far off,
you know, that we'll
have completely outgrown
the whole farting taboo in the country,
and you'll be able to put on
a bumper sticker that says,
"I fart loud, and I'm damn proud."
[audience laughs]
For the time being, just hang
with me, I'll get to jokes.
I thought he was good, he was funny.
That was really funny. [laughs]
[static hissing]
[Announcer] Are you far from home?
Maybe you're on your
own for the first time,
and you miss the ones you left at home.
We can make those pictures
seem almost alive.
How?
With Fresh Wind.
[can farts]
That smells just like mom after dinner.
[can farts]
Ohh, that smells just like Dad's farts,
and it's even got a hint of
his B.O. stench in there.
And remember those afternoon
cookouts with Uncle Charlie?
[can farts]
Oh, gross me out, that is him.
It's like they're all right here with me.
And this one will take you back.
[can farts]
Oh, it's my high school locker room.
Fresh wind, the spray scent
that brings the ones you love
right into the room with you.
Wow,
here's mom,
dad,
Uncle Charlie.
[can farts]
Oh, yuck.
These things are so gross,
they make me wanna puke.
It's like I never left home.
Don't forget the special bonus can.
[can farts]
It's Fluffy, our dog.
Fresh wind.
They stink just like the real thing.
Oh, I miss you, Heather, so much.
[upbeat music]
Well, how old do you think I am?
Drop your pants, and I'll tell you.
You're 83.
83, that's amazing.
How did you figure that out?
You told me 10 minutes ago.
[upbeat music]
No, no, it's more like a balloon
with the skin peeled off.
Let's review.
Rodney, our returning champion
from Minneapolis, has $800.
Challengers Angela knows
her stuff, with $1200,
and Leonard with zero.
We're ready to play the second half.
Contestants,
fart in please.
[all farting]
Well, you sound ready, so let's play Who
Cut
the Cheese.
[audience applauds]
All right contestants, please,
identify
this fart.
[farts]
[upbeat music]
[farts]
Rodney.
That's a rotten egg fart?
[audience applauds]
Yeah.
And contestants, here's the next one.
I didn't hear anything.
[Host] Angela.
Silent but deadly.
Yes, for $200 and the lead.
My Angela, you sure know your flatulence.
My parents raised me to be a lady.
[laughs]
Oh that girl, whoa baby.
And Leonard, what's the matter with you?
We haven't heard from you in a while.
I knew that one, but I
couldn't fart in time.
If you wanna win, you
gotta be fast on the fart.
But we're gonna help you out.
Pierre, bring Leonard a bean burrito.
And now, let's hear
about the prizes we have
for today's losing contestants.
[Announcer] I'd love to, Bob.
Of course, every contestant
receives the home version
of Who Cut the Cheese.
And for each losing contestant,
we have that special consolation cologne.
That special fragrance that
everyone knows it's you.
That special fragrance that lingers
even after you've left the room.
Of course, Bob, I'm talking
about Eau de Barking Spiders,
from the house of Barking Spiders,
that unisex scent that lingers.
Now, back to you, Bob, and
more Who Cut the Cheese.
[audience applauds]
Well, they're sure some swell gifts.
Gosh.
But now let's get to the segment we call
Farts of the Rich and Famous.
Now, this fart, contestants,
is the property of Madonna,
Cher,
or Rosanne Barr.
[farts]
Rodney?
Rosanne Barr.
No.
[farts]
Angela?
Cher?
No, too bad, tough tomato.
Leonard?
Gotta be Madonna.
But Leonard, you know the rules.
You have to fart in before
you give the answer.
[fart squeaks]
Oh, that was a pathetic fart.
I personally would be
ashamed of a fart like that.
But let's hear your answer, Leonard.
Madonna.
No.
Minus $800.
Contestants, the answer is
who cares.
That's right, contestants, who cares.
Now, the judges would also accept
I don't give a shit.
[audience applauds]
[upbeat music]
That's what I was gonna say.
Holy...
Yeah, who really gives a
shit, you know what I mean?
Contestants, now a little nostalgia.
Instead of speaking, this
beloved entertainer would
[blows horn]
So contestants,
when Harpo Marx wanted
to pass gas in a movie,
was his trademark sound
A, [whistle shrills]
B, [baby cries], or C [bells ring]?
Oh, I know this one, I know this one.
[grunting]
Oh no.
Too bad, Leonard, disqualification.
Pierre?
And I knew the answer to that one.
Tough break, kid.
Angela, Rodney,
[farts loudly]
Oh, I'm sorry, we're out of
time, but till next time folks,
may all your farts be dry ones.
[audience applauds]
[upbeat music]
[farts]
Oh come on.
It had to be her.
What the?
This is good pizza.
What is Heather doing?
Oh man.
I'll put some of this on, yeah.
Oh, banana, oh god,
it's a good banana, too.
Dates, oh.
It's always tough to go on a date
when you're always breaking wind.
There's not too many places
you can go with a girl.
You know, you go some place,
and you'd have to lean to
the left, lean to the right,
make a little small talk.
There's, uh, one other
thing I'd like to mention.
Oh man.
Where is Heather?
Oh, man, where are you Heather?
[upbeat music]
Last week, I asked my husband for money
to make our home a better
living environment.
So, what did he do?
He gave me $10,000 and
told me to move out.
[gasps] How rude.
Bong his ass.
It's about time.
[gong tolls]
Well, drive easy next time.
Stewy, Stewy, Stewy,
why did you bong for Harvey
when he was so close
to the world's record?
I just couldn't take it anymore.
Can you tell me if I'm
going to get lucky tonight?
Charles, we'll get to that later.
Right now, let's get going.
[audience applauds]
[upbeat music]
Oh, I'll put the blindfold on.
Nope, can't see a thing. [giggling]
Just stretching.
All right.
May we have our first
volunteer from the audience?
[audience applauds]
All right, stand right
there next to the Madam, and
let her have it.
[farts]
Mmm.
Mmm, very fragrant.
It's obviously a woman.
You like to wear silk panties.
[audience laughs]
Are you sure, Madam?
Oh yes, very sure.
I'm smelling you are not a vegetarian,
and you like to sleep alone.
[Host] Eh, no, wait, wait.
Let's let the madam try again.
[Madam] Was I wrong?
Just a little.
Well, sometimes it takes a little while
to get the juices flowing.
Oh, uhhuh.
Well, let's have our next
volunteer from the audience.
[audience applauds]
You little rascal, you.
[laughing]
Barris Chuck, you are so funny, man.
[farts]
Whoo, what a lot of musk.
You are a very virile man.
[audience laughs]
Boo, oh, boo.
[gong tolls]
Oh, oh.
Oh Morgan.
That's terrible.
Yes, it was.
She's terrible.
Oh, I'm sorry Madam.
Well, I guess your ancient
art just couldn't [laughs]
cut the cheese.
[audience applauds]
A fraudulent old woman with
poor taste in clothing.
Is that right, yeah.
That's right.
Wrong card, sorry.
Well, folks, so far it's
Patty's Poopstained Poodle
is in the lead with 27 points.
And what a delight they
were, huh folks? [laughs]
Anyway, let's bring out
our final contestant,
who just might give Pat and her pets
a run for their money.
Oh, they are so good,
they are three men who really are barbers,
and they practice their musical act
[laughs] between haircuts.
All right, let's all welcome
The Skunk Cabbage Boys.
[audience applauds]
[upbeat music]
[harmonizing]
[farting America the Beautiful]
Oh,
oh,
oh!
That was fantastic.
Do you sing, too? [laughs]
Well, let's see how you did
with our panel of judges.
Stewy?
I give them a 10,
which starts with T,
which stands for talent, Barris.
[audience applauds]
And how 'bout you, Morgon?
Definite fart art.
I also give them a 10.
[audience applauds]
And Charles, Charles, what did you think
of The Skunk Cabbage Boys?
I want those guys to play
at my nephew's Bar Mitzvah.
Oh, they're great.
10 from Stewy,
10 from Morgan,
and another 10, that's super all the way.
All right!
All the way.
[audience applauds]
That's 30 points,
making you this week's
grand prize winners!
[audience applauds]
[harmonizing]
[upbeat music]
That was really funny. [laughs]
Oh, I miss you Heather, so much.
So, this guy goes to a
psychiatrist for the first time.
The shrink decides to give him a test.
So, he draws a picture of a square.
"What does this remind you of?"
Guy says, "Breaking wind."
So, then he draws a picture of a circle.
"And this?"
The guy says, "Breaking wind."
Then he draws a picture of an orange,
a picture of a chair, and a tree.
Breaking wind, breaking
wind, breaking wind.
"What is this obsession you
have with breaking wind?"
The psychiatrist says.
Guy says, "Me?"
"You're the one drawing the pictures."
[laughing]
[Russell] Because you're
obsessed with my obsession.
[static hissing]
[church music]
Friends,
I am here today to exercise you
from the pangs of the devil,
and fill your hearts,
your minds, you souls,
and particularly your gullets,
with the spirit of the Lord.
Now, in my travels, my
crusades throughout this
great land of ours, I have
broken bread with many a sinner.
That's right.
I said sinner.
I said sinner, because many
of these fellow travelers
have thought nothing
of breaking wind while
they are breaking bread.
Farting!
Passing gas!
Exploding in a veritable cacophony
of sound and smell in my presence.
Now,
earlier in my calling,
I took the path of forgiveness
for they know not what they do.
When I heard the blast and
smelled the gas, I let it pass.
I turned the other cheek so to speak.
But after several years
of observing these sinners,
shoveling a disgusting array
of food down their mouths
and then happily letting
go at the other end,
I realized that if the Lord
wanted us to create such massive amounts
of intestinal gas, he wouldn't
have said honor thy father.
He'd have said honor thy farter!
Because
of this weakened display
throughout this great
land of ours is as plain
and painful
as a pimple on a baby's behind,
farting is the devil's work.
That's right, sinners.
After years of observing
and exposing myself
to restaurants filled
with pandemonious assholes
reverberating with the sound
of the devil's thunder,
after years of fast food
stands and cocktail parties,
after years of spying
in supermarket aisles,
after years
of observing the unmitigated crap
you sinners shovel down your
mouths time and time again,
I realize it is the work of the devil now.
The Lord madeth man in his own images.
He put Adam and Eve
in a Garden of Eden
laden with holy fruits.
Fruits that would pass cleanly
and silently through
the intestinal highway.
Holy food in,
and holy sewage out.
But then came the devil, sinners,
and the apple was tainted.
Adam ate that tainted
apple and immediately
had an intestinal attack
that would have asphyxiated
half of Cleveland.
The devil danced and
applaud, while the Lord
gagging and holding his nose, no doubt,
gave Adam the heave ho.
But the devil is still dancing, sinners.
He dances every time you
take a bite into that burrito
and let go of the
thunderclap at the other end.
He cackles with glee whenever
you step into an elevator
and thicken the air with
your noxious anal antics
after a threemartini lunch.
He laughs every time you step into bed
and stink up your sheets
after midnight snacking on
that leftover Chinese takeout
that has been decomposing in
the refrigerator for a week.
Oh, sure, wash it down
with a bottle of beer.
Do you think the bubbles will help?
There is a light
at the end of your
intestinal tunnel, sinners.
For those of you who
care to choose the path
of victual purity,
there is relief
and enlightenment.
I have here in my hand
a just published,
Reverend Purgess Manual
for a Fart-free Diet.
Yes.
Yours truly,
Reverend Purgess
after years of painstaking research,
and three successful
hemorrhoidal operations,
praise the Lord,
has diagrammed
a program designed
and guaranteed
to effectively exorcise
the dancing devils in your
upper and lower colon.
Yes,
just send me $49.95, plus
$2 postage and handling.
Read and apply what I have set to paper,
and you
who have discharged with the devil,
can stroll handinhand fume free
with the Lord.
Amen.
Why is everybody so against me farting?
Just because I do it on the outside
doesn't make me a criminal, does it?
I mean, I'm no phony
Johnnycomelately farter.
I fart because I have to fart.
And I don't intend to stop
farting till the end of time.
Because, [dramatic music]
because,
because
farting is my life.
And it's my constitutional right
as a law abiding citizen to fart.
As God is my witness,
I swear, I'll never stop farting again.
[triumphant music]
[upbeat music]
I have a special treat
for all you dear people.
The Medicine Wheel Band has
agreed to perform for us.
[audience applauds]
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ Rolling on the highway ♪
♪ Rolling in a mobile home ♪
♪ When I get back home I like
to keep my tail pipe warm ♪
♪ Laying in the tub I like
to blow out a bubble or two ♪
♪ Well, honey don't you know I
always save the best for you ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ Staring at the cooler, I
like a little apple juice ♪
♪ And it makes it extra special ♪
♪ When I know that you are here ♪
♪ Going to the kitchen
warming up a can of beans ♪
♪ Cover it with catsup it's
a whole mess right there ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
[guitar riff]
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
[audience applauds]
[static hissing]
[Announcer] You went
wild for Young MC Crazy,
or Run D.M.C.
Now let your systems reel for MC Gaseous.
Yes, you can have his
first Special Edition album
that includes such up and coming hits as
Blow Me Away, Can't Eat That,
Love Me, Touch Me, Smell Me,
Release It, Something Burns Within,
Blowing in the Wind, Yo Yo Yo Beans,
Let's Air Our Differences, That Was I,
Fresh Air For Mikey,
and the new dance sensation,
Do The Butt Fan.
Buy now and you'll receive
a special recording
of Celebrity Farts.
Hear those you admire most cut one,
break wind and let it go.
This offer is not
available in record stores,
so order now by calling 1800555FART,
or send check or money
order to M.C. Gaseous,
P.P. Box 1781 Billings, Montana,
95619.
Don't miss this chance
to add these fine albums
to your collection.
Oh, I gotta get that record,
I gotta get that record.
Whoo!
[static hissing]
Why so glum, Heather?
I miss Russell.
Hmm, well I certainly don't.
It's a refreshing change for once.
[mellow music]
[Announcer] Tonight's News
Break is brought to you by
Cornelli's Chili and GasX.
You can't have one without the other.
[dramatic music]
Good evening.
I'm Charles McPharter,
and this is News Break.
Our top story tonight:
genetic researchers
may have created a new type of super food
which they claim will end world hunger.
For more details, we go to Dan Steamer
who's standing by live.
Thank you, Charles.
I'm here at the Center for
Agricultural Research in Portland
where the super bean, as it's
being called, was created.
It's a hybrid plant, and like the soybean,
can be used to simulate
almost any kind of food.
The designer of the
bean, Dr. Raoul LePoot,
is here with me now.
Hello.
This bean of yours, how nutritious is it?
Oh, it's very nutritious, Dan.
It has a minimum of 400%
of the USRDA for the major
27 vitamins and minerals.
Remarkable.
When is the bean going
to reach the marketplace?
Just as soon as we work
out the last side effect.
Side effect?
What sort of side effect?
Flatulence.
Uncontrollable flatulence which
lasts, um, 72 hours or more.
But you can fix it, right?
Well actually, it's not that
bad once you get used to it.
Some of our researchers are
living off the bean now.
They have been going strong
for two, three weeks now.
Hmm, great.
You said before the broadcast
you were testing the
bean in certain areas.
Right, it's on the marketplace
in Houston, Atlanta,
St. Louis, Miami, and Topeka.
And so far we've had nothing
but positive feedback.
Well, congratulations, Dr. LePoot.
On that note, back to you Charles.
Dan, one quick question before you go.
[Dan] Yes, Charles?
Have you yourself tried the bean?
[farts]
No Charles, I haven't had a chance.
Thank you, Dan.
I'm sure you'll be standing
by if anything breaks.
Now, it's time for a look
at tomorrow's weather,
so we'll go to Phil Shorts.
Thanks, Chuck.
Our big weather concern tonight is
the unusual pattern started
in Houston, Atlanta,
St. Louis,
Miami,
and Topeka.
We haven't quite figured out why,
but people have reported strong hot winds,
unusually thick fog, and
even some spot tornadoes.
We'll try to keep you posted
as we figured out this
strange weather phenomenon.
Back to you.
Finally, tonight,
we have an editorial from our
station manager, Fred Rear.
Thank you.
[farts]
Tonight I am here because I am shocked
by the stage manners of today's
rock and roll performers.
My daughter and I recently
attended a heavy metal concert,
and to tell you the truth,
I was shocked. [farts]
What bothered me the most
was the way the lead singer
of the band conducted himself.
He kept touching his groin
and taking off most of his clothes.
Personally, I was offended
by it all. [farts]
All I'm saying is that
when you are in public
appearing in front of people,
you have an obligation
to prevent, present,
a professional image.
[farts]
Then again, this is the 90's.
I hope I'm not just an
out of touch old man.
I hope there's a future for rock and roll.
Back to you, Charles.
Thank you, Fred.
And join us tomorrow night for
[static hissing]
Back to these comedic interludes.
You know, there's the infamous,
or out famous, infamous,
out, infamous arm fart.
You need the kind where you...
I can't do it 'cause I got
more class than that. [laughs]
But the arm fart, you
know, is a killer one.
Then there's also the lip fart,
you know, the [blows raspberry] like that,
but isn't doesn't exactly the...
You know, somebody called it a raspberry,
but it's not a raspberry,
dude, it's a lip fart.
Lookit. [blows raspberry]
That's a lip fart, it ain't no raspberry.
Where did they get raspberry, I mean.
Dude, catch a clue, why don't you.
[static hissing]
No, you're wrong, fat people
aren't the worst farters.
Politicians are.
[laughs] Why?
Because they feed us so much
crap during their speeches,
who's gonna notice a little fart or two.
What about your
intellectual types at those
fancy new-age conferences?
When one of them farts, they
smile at each other like
there's some deep
communication between them that
nobody else understands.
I'll tell you the worst type of fart.
It's when you're the
only one in an elevator,
you think it's okay to fart because
no one will notice or care.
So, then you get to the next floor,
and like 25 people get in,
and they all know you did it. [laughs]
Last week, I did Swan Lake with Margot.
When I did my lift, there she was,
all stretched out like
she was gonna fly away.
And she farts.
Do you know the difference
between a fart at a fraternity
and a sorority?
Fraternity brothers
usually like to see who
could fart the loudest,
while their sorority sisters
compete with each other to
see who could fart the cutest.
Personally, I think farting
is a very dangerous business.
Oh, come on, how can you say that?
I mean, farting is as
natural as mom and apple pie.
Yeah, well, if all the moms
on Earth decided to fart
at the same time, the
combined methane output
would create the largest atomic explosion
ever created by mankind.
[laughs]
[farts]
[laughs]
[static hissing]
[Announcer] At at Times Square,
it's 10 more minutes
to the bewitching hour.
["Auld Lang Syne"]
[TV] The night was long,
and there at the realm of queens
a rich old man
It's 10 minutes before New Year's Eve,
and old Russell is home all alone
while Little Miss Heather is
having the time of her life.
["Auld Lang Syne"]
[static hissing]
Good evening, I'm Gene Siskelli
from the Chicago Tribunal.
And I'm Robert Ebertson
from the Chicago Daily.
Our first movie tonight is
funny, warm, and smelly.
In fact, I think we can both agree
that the subject matter stinks.
However, FART: The Movie
may turn out to be something
of a cult hit.
With a cult following of one.
The first part of the movie
was effectively scary.
It portrayed the real dramatic tension
of life with a fartaphobe.
Yeah, the movie starts out with Russell,
an out of control farter,
coming home from work.
And he really stinks.
Personally, I thought
this plot development
was somewhat asinine.
I knew you'd use that word.
Back to the movie.
Russell's also a couch potato.
He's already got two
major counts against him.
Whew, I'll say.
An edgy veggie.
You know the pathos of an underdog
like Russell always seems to grip me.
Come on, Russell has options.
He can join that 12step program
for fart addicts, OffAnon.
I think the producer wanted
us to see the struggles,
the sights, the sounds, the smells,
particularly the smells
of a modern relationship.
They spared no expense
down to the last detail.
Like the wood burned sign
outside of Russell's bedroom:
Better Out Than In.
You know, I didn't find this
movie to be as cartoonish
as I expected it to be.
No.
Now, if Russell had had a dog named Grunt
or a cat named Belch,
Grunt and Belch may have pushed FART away
from the hard edge of
reality it clings to.
Still, I think they could
have heightened the tension
in the New Year's scene if they
would have let Russell fart
to the rhythm of Auld Lang Syne.
I think you should be wearing my glasses
because you just didn't see
the point of this movie.
It's an attitude,
a world view which asks
is your colon half empty
or half full?
Well, I think this movie
is definitely gonna open up discussions
about discrimination against farters.
What of these Middle Age
myths do we still perpetuate?
Like men over 40 lose sexual potency?
No, no, no, I mean myths
from the Middle Ages.
Oh, like is it really necessary
to pass a lit match around
the room when you fart?
Right, right, or if you
fart on a crowded elevator,
is it really necessary
to push the emergency button
and scream chemical leak?
Or getting dental xrays
makes you fart during sex.
Yeah, flossing your teeth
makes your farts set off smoke alarms.
How 'bout if you hold a fart
for more than five minutes,
you could explode from
spontaneous combustion?
Yeah, yeah.
Now, there's an epitaph.
He tried, and he died, but don't
he smell good in his grave?
We wanna trash such myths,
but you know my wife had
had dental xrays last month,
and she seemed to have a
fixation for sandalwood incense.
Pure coincidence.
FART is not a dark vision
because there's hope
for Russell and Heather.
Big farters can now
have a special operation
called flatusuction, which
sucks the excess gas out.
I've seen guys lose five pants
sizes over this operation.
Now, for it's willingness
to after the backside of our humor,
I'd say that FART: The Movie
registers a 5.5 on the rectum scale.
I'm gonna have to agree
with you in this case.
The subject matter alone
will probably break
wind at the box office.
So, we don't actually give it a thumbs up
or a thumbs down, but
A forefinger and a
thumb clasping the nose.
That's our sign for
hold your nose, Hold your nose,
and go see this movie.
And go see this movie.
Oh, and if you wait for
it to come out on video,
you're in for a real treat.
The producers are marketing
it in a scratchandsniff box.
Right, when a flashing
number comes on the screen,
you scratch the matching
number on your box,
and it gives you the fresh smell of farts.
That's primitive, disgusting,
and highly marketable.
Until next week, the
balcony is closed. [farts]
And needs to be aired out.
[upbeat music]
Better than Gone With the
Wind, you gotta be kidding.
The acting was as good
as Inherit the Wind,
I don't know what you
guys are talking about.
[static hissing]
It's 30 seconds to midnight, people.
Is everybody ready?
[everyone cheers]
[All] 10,
nine,
eight,
seven,
six,
five,
four,
three,
two,
one.
Happy New Year!
[laughing]
[all farting]
[bomb explodes]
[screaming]
Honey, honey, everything's okay.
You were just having a little nightmare.
Everything is fine now.
I'm here.
It was horrible, Russell.
I dreamt that you wouldn't stop,
and then I went to this New
Year's Eve party without you,
and everyone started
Hey, look what time it is.
It's five minutes before midnight.
Can you believe it?
It's just enough time to
welcome in the new year.
I love you, baby.
I love you, too.
[farts]
Sorry, Russell.
I couldn't help myself.
Don't worry, baby, it
happens to the best of us.
Try this one on for size.
[farts] Ah!
[laughing]
[both farting]
[upbeat music]
♪ Get yourself alone and
get yourself a beer ♪
♪ Go on and sit back on a mobile ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Well, I had a bad dream ♪
♪ But it gets good ♪
♪ Just get me Hannah ♪
♪ If she can't call you ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Never answer your phone ♪
♪ Keep the tape machine on ♪
♪ Turn around, drop down ♪
♪ Do run, run ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Well, it ain't a crime ♪
♪ Well, it ain't naughty ♪
♪ Just one big hustle
from the very start ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Well, it ain't easy ♪
♪ But it ain't hard ♪
♪ Let's push it, push it, push it ♪
♪ And shove, shove, shove ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ People say here they come ♪
♪ The police and your mom ♪
♪ Turn round, drop down ♪
♪ Do run, run ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ Well, it ain't pretty ♪
♪ It ain't cute ♪
♪ You see, a friend of mine's sharp ♪
♪ In a long leisure suit ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Well, it ain't sweet ♪
♪ Honey it ain't cool ♪
♪ It's a pounding on wheels ♪
♪ Gets the best of it too ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Don't look at me with that sad face on ♪
♪ Turn around, drop down ♪
♪ Do run, run ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Hey, hey, it's a modern world ♪
♪ Hey, hey, it's a modern world ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
[upbeat rock music]
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
[atmospheric synthesizer music]
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Me?
It wasn't me.
It was him.
It was not!
It was her.
How dare you?
♪ Rolling on the highway ♪
♪ Rolling out a mobile home ♪
♪ When I get back home, I like
to keep my tailpipe warm ♪
♪ Laying in the tub I like
to blow out a bubble or two ♪
♪ Well, honey don't you know I
always save the best for you ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ Staring at the cooler, I
like a little apple juice ♪
♪ And it makes it extra special ♪
♪ When I know that you are there ♪
♪ Goin' to the kitchen
warming up a can of beans ♪
♪ Cover it with catsup, it's
a whole mess right there ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ If you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that be your pass ♪
Primo lady.
Real primo stuff.
Leave me alone.
What do you think you're
trying to pull here?
What do you think this is?
Hey, I've been in a lot of
crappers in my life, lady,
but I never smelled anything like that.
Get lost!
Beautiful.
[upbeat music]
[Russell farts]
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
Damn, I told her I hate day old meatloaf.
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ Life's ♪
[Russell farts]
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
[upbeat music]
[farts]
[farts]
[humming]
Any reminders for me today, Ethel?
Eight o'clock tonight,
Moby Dick on Channel 3.
Thanks Ethel.
104.
How you guys doing?
Moby Dick's on tonight.
[humming]
Honey, is that you?
Russell, are you there?
In the flesh.
Oh, hi honey. [smacks lips]
When there's a commercial,
will you come on up?
I'll be up in a second, Heather.
[farts]
Channel 2, nine o'clock.
Channel 4
10 o'clock.
[farts]
[TV] Hey, Roxie, I taught
Rocks how to count.
[farts]
We gotta help
[spits]
How was your day, sweetheart?
[farts]
Nothing special, what's for dinner?
Honey, you know what tonight is.
Of course I know what tonight is.
It's New Year's Eve.
You said we'd go out and celebrate.
I didn't say for sure, honey,
I said we'd talk about it.
Heather, head for the trenches.
It's the big one coming.
[ground rumbles]
[farts excessively]
Whoa, whoa.
4.90, best one this week.
[laughs]
Aftershock coming!
[ground rumbles]
[farts excessively]
[sighs]
Ha, ha.
[farts]
Bingo.
[doorbell rings]
How you doing, Mr. N.,
brought by your regular.
[farts]
Yeah.
Wanna come in and have a
brewsky with me, Kevin?
[Kevin] Gee, I'd really like to, Mr. N,
but you know how it is, New
Year's Eve, and all that.
Got a lot of deliveries to make.
Well, maybe another time.
[defeated music]
Wanna brewski, babe?
No, I don't wanna beer,
I want you to get ready.
I am ready.
Ready for you babe.
[farts]
No you don't, not this time.
It's New Year's Eve.
You promised me on your word of honor
that we were to go out and have some fun.
Like what?
You know, dance,
boogie,
get down, go crazy.
Are you nuts?
You expect me to go out
on one of the best nights on the tube
and miss a cavalcade of talent?
Yes.
Not on your life.
I mean, we got choices here, babe.
We could chuckle with Johnny or Redd,
pretend we're on the
Bandstand with the Clarksman,
rap with MC on MTV,
watch the Hulkster or little Stevie Urkel,
sneak a peak at Mr. Ed,
or catch a flick on Nick.
[farts]
[sighs]
And then we can get it
on with the big ball.
And when it goes down, I go up.
And at the stroke of midnight,
it'll be our own personal
fireworks display, babe.
Come on, Russell, you're not being fair.
We haven't been out together
in almost seven months.
I wanna party tonight,
not listen to you pass.
Wanna party, we'll party.
Call up a few people, invite 'em over.
We got plenty of suds,
lots of chips and dip,
and I'll cook us up some
of my very own special:
guaranteed to set you right
and clear up your nasal drip chili.
[farts]
Invite who, Russell?
We don't have any friends
anymore, remember?
Whatcha mean we don't have any friends?
We got plenty of friends.
Name some.
Robin and Justine.
We haven't seen Robin and
Justine for over six months.
Yeah, right.
What about Wilford and Beth?
Haven't seen them for a year.
Dale and Linda?
Hiram and Camille?
Well, what about that nice couple, uh,
the one next door, Lucy and Richard?
They moved out two months ago.
They did, why?
They couldn't take it anymore.
Take what? [farts]
That!
What?
That, what you just did.
I didn't do anything.
[farts]
[Heather] You see, you did it again.
I, I broke wind.
Nothing wrong with that.
Nothing wrong with it?
It's a bad habit, Russell.
Don't you understand,
you're obsessed with
doing it all the time.
Not true. [farts]
The only thing you're more obsessed with
is that stupid boob tube.
If they ever allowed that,
that habit of yours on television,
you'd never leave the house.
The way you keep bringing
it up all the time,
you're obsessed with my obsession.
I am not obsessed with your obsession.
It just bothers me.
You should learn to control
yourself a little more,
that's all.
I let off a little gas now and then.
No big deal.
A little gas?
You've got enough gas in you
to solve the world's energy crisis.
If George Bush knew about you,
he would have left Saddam
Hussein keep Kuwait.
[farts]
[sighs]
Ugh,
you see?
You don't even know when you do it.
Of course I know when I do it.
No you don't.
You do it so much now
that even dogs and
children run away from you.
Passing gas is nature's way
of putting a grin on your face
and a smile in your heart.
And a knife in everyone else's heart.
Come on, Heather.
Everybody's gotta relieve
the old digestive system
once in a while.
Not like you.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I happen to know
Dan Quale can clear the senate chamber
in a matter of seconds.
I even heard your mother
let off a bomb or two.
My mother doesn't...
Say it.
Bomber.
The real gazoo.
Slice city, the little sneaker,
the big As far as I'm concerned,
I do not wish to discuss
this subject any further.
Case closed.
Fart.
Fart,
fart.
Fart.
Are you coming with me tonight, or not?
[laughs]
When you say fart.
Say it, fart, [farts] fart.
Fart, fart, fart, fart, fart.
[screams]
[laughs]
[farts]
[upbeat music]
♪ Get yourself alone and
get yourself a beer ♪
♪ Go on and sit back on a mobile ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Well, I had a bad dream ♪
♪ But it gets good ♪
♪ Just get me Hannah ♪
♪ If she can't call you ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
[people chatting]
Heather, so good to see you.
You know, it's funny,
Duane was just saying,
"I wonder if Heather
and Russell are coming,"
and now, here you are.
What a small world.
It's good to see you, too, April.
Duane, aren't you going
to say hello to Heather?
Duane?
Uh, yes dear.
Hello, Heather.
Nice to see you.
I say, nice.
Where's Russell?
He couldn't make it.
He's a little under the weather.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I was so looking forward to seeing him.
So, tell me,
has his little problem cleared up yet?
Oh, there you are, dearie.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
I came to rescue you.
April and Duane are such
little farts, aren't they?
Why such a long face?
You're supposed to be
happy on New Year's Eve,
not an old sad sack.
What you need is a good stiff drink.
No, no, I don't wanna drink.
You know it makes me feel silly.
Tell Lavina what's wrong
between you and Russell.
There's nothing wrong.
Mmm, come, come.
Lavina knows when there's
trouble in the air.
Really.
Everything's just fine, except...
Except for what?
[Heather] Except for Russell's habit.
No one wants to be around us anymore.
It's like we don't exist.
Whenever anyone sees Russell coming,
they do a 180 and disappear.
Even our cat moved out.
Well, I'm glad you told me
because I have the perfect
solution to your predicament.
You do?
Mouthwash, dearie.
Mouthwash?
Why mouthwash?
Because Russell's breath is so bad
it could knock the
buzzards off a shit wagon.
Are you sure you're
talking about my Russell?
Russell Nussbomber?
The one and the same.
Harry Halitosis Nussbomber. [laughs]
You in a court, not Clancy's pool room.
Sit down.
I'm a victim of circumstance.
Ah.
Who you hittin'?
Ow!
Get going.
[chuckling]
Be quiet, keep quiet.
I got my food.
I got my friends.
I got my farting.
Who needs Heather?
And I got my TV set.
What do you think of that show?
Proceed.
Ow!
It's funny, right?
You don't like this show?
In the water.
As a matter of fact,
everybody in the water.
Guys, come on, let's go, come on.
[laughing]
[farts]
[sighs]
[upbeat music]
Russell doesn't have bad breath.
Russell
he has...
He farts!
[chuckles] There, I said it.
What are you gonna do about it?
Fart!
Fart!
Fark!
Do you fark?
Well, yes, yes ma'am, on occasion.
Only when the need arises.
But can you hold it in if you have to?
Well, I do my best.
Russell can't.
He's obsessed with farting.
[Russell] Because you're
obsessed with my obsession.
Did you hear that?
Oh, Joan.
Oh, Leah!
We're so glad you're back.
A woman's place is in
the home next to her man,
not out gallivanting at some dumb party.
Now, everybody kiss everybody.
Leonora, you think Kiss Pete.
Oh, David, you're completely impossible.
Where are you, Heather?
[TV characters chatting]
[static hissing]
[guns firing]
[western music]
[Heather] If they ever allowed that,
that habit of yours on television,
you would never leave the house.
[static hissing]
Don't you just hate it when people fart?
You're having a nice romantic dinner,
and you lean over the table
and look deeply into her eyes,
and she farts, real loud,
not a slider.
There are many ways not
to use the word fart.
She says, "Spring is in the air,"
and you say, "Right, it was
until your spring sprung."
In the 1300's we'd say
that Gwendolyn broke wind.
Now that sounds like a nasty fart.
A healthy cow produces 1,000
times more flatulence a year
than a healthy person.
But we don't generally
take cows to dinner.
They'd be a bit shocked to
see what prime rib really is.
Farting is simply a body function.
You call 'em as you smell 'em.
Was it a fart or simply
your husband's cooking?
Why ruin the English language
trying to explain farting?
We say, "Oh, I ate something
that didn't agree with me."
"What?"
"You had a heated political discussion"
"with some green onions?"
"So you ate them just to get revenge."
And why do people point to
the dog when their companion
smells their fart?
Even my dog, after she farts, stands up,
looks at the nearest person,
nods her head, says aha,
and lays back down again.
Someday, there won't be
a person there for her
and she'll have to face the awful truth.
Someday, the dog won't be there for you.
Farts have invaded our language.
On TV we have Fart Simpson,
a wiseass little kid.
In history, we have the word fartkin,
which means little fart.
What an endearing word.
It's almost Shakespearian.
Can you imagine?
Yonder comes Juliet with
her fair fartkin behind her.
Oh, and of course, a
sleeping bag is a fart sack.
You're camping.
What would be more seductive than to say,
"Oh, you ravishing beauty."
"Come and join me in my fart sack."
An old fart
is just someone that's been
hanging around in the wind
a little too long.
We call authors auteurs.
Do we call farters farteurs?
And what's a polite thing to say
when your date is farting a lot?
How about,
"I hate the smell of new car interiors."
So, watch her in a theater.
Try it anyway.
She might appreciate it.
And when did we begin describing farts
as low-flying ducks?
You know, you're in your bed
with your wife one night,
and you let one out. [blows raspberry]
You say,
"Low-flying ducks," and that explains it.
Sure, I'd rather have a
water fowl in my bedroom
at 2:00 a.m. too.
Yeah.
Well, we talk about farts be they fartkins
or major methane.
You can run and lie, or
you can run and hide.
But we all generally know who the farteur
in the group generally is.
So, don't blame the dog anymore.
Just argue harder with the onions.
This is Andy Rudney for the evening news.
[static hissing]
Do you suffer from
unnecessary gastric distress?
End bothersome flatulence
now by calling 1800STOPGAS.
This is a 24hour number
to the Vapor hotline
at the world famous Acetal Center.
This number has saved millions
of lives and relationships.
The Acetal Center is here to help you.
We at the Acetal Center
know the constant grinds and
churns of your intestines.
Are you nervous or anxious?
Is it stress,
or merely Mexican food?
If you or someone you
love has these symptoms,
get their ass to Acetal.
Remember, we're here to help.
Our list of clients include
people just like you.
With us today are a few of
those people to give testimonial
of what the Acetal Center can do for them.
Thank you, Harry, for
giving me the opportunity
to tell others how Acetal
has changed my life,
and brought me back into society.
Before Acetal, I was a
bubbling bag of asphyxia,
and I didn't even know it.
I work for myself,
and I find so much fulfillment
and freedom in working alone.
You see, I have the successful
and satisfying career
of envelope stuffing
that I just happened upon
when reading the label from
a can of refried beans.
I've never worked with anyone.
So I'd fart, and I'd think nothing of it.
I just never had a clue.
Sure, I'd feel these
innocent little wisps of wind
jetting past my cheeks,
but I was alone, so it didn't matter.
When a visitor came to
my house, I'd notice that
after a few minutes of their
being in a room with me,
they'd have developed an underbite
and start breathing heavily
through their mouth.
It took years for me to realize
that they were trying to
blow fresh air up their nose.
No one ever stayed for a very long time.
And those underbites had me baffled.
Occasionally, someone
would tactfully mention
that there was an awful
gas smell in the room.
Today, I am a changed woman,
and I have returned to society.
Lucy that is truly a
deep and touching story.
Could you tell our audience
about the support group
that you belong to?
Believe me folks, you are not alone.
I should mention that
the announcer is a member of
my terrific support group,
along with a host of others
that are here with us now.
Next, my friend and personal sponsor
would like to say a few words.
Howie?
Very nice introduction, Lucy.
I'm from Whistle Britches, Pennsylvania,
and I'm a member of Acetal.
One of the reasons that
we make this program work
is that we identify that we have a problem
and that we stink.
You have made a most
remarkable recovery, Mr. Farts.
Do you have any closing comments?
Yes.
This is an equal opportunity disease.
It affects all of us in society,
and that's why I'm here today.
I'm proud to say that I fart,
and now I'm an active member of Acetal,
the society that's helped
me belong to society again.
And I would like to add that
because of the animal
abuse facility at Acetal,
I am now a committed
animal rights activist.
[barking and laughing]
Thank you, Howie,
Lucy, and those of you who
didn't have a chance to speak,
remember as you sit there
farting into your sofa cushion
afraid to get up, that we can help you.
That number again is 1800STOPGAS.
I'm Harry Butts from the Acetal Center.
[upbeat music]
You wanna play doctor?
Okay.
You operate, and I'll sue.
[Mike] Well, if you miss her so much,
you know, you should go and tell her.
It doesn't matter that I miss her.
She doesn't miss me.
She's never gonna take me back.
I'm a jerk.
Why?
I mean, what could you have
done that's so terrible?
Did you hit her?
No, oh god, no.
I love her, Mike.
I would never do anything to her.
On purpose.
Then, she'll forgive you.
Listen, if I tell you why she left,
you have to keep this quiet.
I'm your roommate.
You can tell me.
Okay.
Mike,
I love to fart.
What?
I know it's not a good thing to do,
but it's just so much fun.
Farting?
Right.
For instance, Lisa and
I will go to the mall,
clothes shopping for her,
that's boring to me.
I just start farting.
Where?
Right there in the store.
I'd squeeze off a couple
of steamers, you know,
no noise, all smell.
Then I'd walk away and watch
someone else walk through it.
You're warped, man.
Still, there's nothing
better than a deep base fart
that they hear all through the store.
I had people stop on the
outside and comment on it.
Lisa left you because of your farting?
Right.
She couldn't understand it.
I tried to teach her to fart.
That's awful.
Well,
she just couldn't get the hang of it.
She wasn't built to break wind.
Now me, mmm, if the Olympics
had a farting event,
I could go home with a gold medal.
I'm sure your parents would be so proud.
Oh, hell, my dad was worse than I was.
He could rip one that
would cloud the whole room.
Ha.
When I was young, he would
take me to the office, and...
My favorite part was
we get on the elevator
I don't wanna hear this.
Listen.
He taught me how to modulate farting.
You see, I used to just let
go, full force, let 'em fly,
but he taught me that a subtle fart
has more power than a loud one.
Thrilling.
Really.
You know, I would love to stay and chat,
but I got some place to be.
Where?
Anywhere but here.
Listen, Dave, I don't,
I mean, I understand
Lisa's trip, but one
thing I don't understand
is that you and I have
been roommates six months.
I never heard you fart.
You know what you are?
You're a closet farter.
[upbeat music]
[farts]
[sighs]
[crying]
That's what happened to me and Heather.
I should have had her stay here with me.
I should have been nice to her.
If I was nice to her, none
of this would have happened.
I'm a nice guy.
So I fart.
There's nothing wrong with that.
[Announcer] All right,
let's bring him on, yeah.
[farts]
[sighs]
Thank you.
Actually, there are six
classifications of farts.
There is the fizz, fuzz,
fizz, fuzz, rip, shit, tear
your ass, and the rattler.
[audience laughs]
The most worse kind of fart though
is the fart that comes
without any warning at all.
You know, you're in a crowded room,
an elevator, somebody fluffs their buns,
and all of a sudden your
eyes start to water?
Little later, the smell comes there
without warning at all.
It's sort of the scud of farts.
[audience laughs]
That, my friend, is the
most unkindest fart of all.
Anyway, we call that an SBD.
It's sort of the stealth fart.
SBD is Silent, But Deadly.
[audience laughs]
Today's youth, however, are
missing the real enjoyment
of a good utilitarian fart.
I mean, the,
the reason God created
farts in the first place.
As an aside, when I was a kid,
I used to think that a fart
was a build up inside you
that was used to push the shit out.
[audience laughs]
I have been assured that is not the case.
Anyway, there is no greater pleasure
than going into a dark movie theater,
sitting down,
cutting an incredibly,
bodacious, fire-breathing fart,
and lighting it.
Now, that's kind of a
lost art, I admit that.
That's kind of a lost art.
It's gone away of the 25cent flick,
and pushing over outhouses,
and it's a damn shame.
For those of you who are
uninitiated with the,
the finer techniques of
lighting a fart, first of all,
they always look best in
a crowded dark theater.
[audience laughs]
What you do is you sit down
and you place your feet
in front of the chair in front of you.
You light a match and gently
place it between your legs,
and this is the important
part not to forget, then
you cut lose with an incredible fart.
I tell you, really,
there is nothing prettier
than seeing a six inch blue flame
coming shooting out of somebody's
[audience laughs]
[scoffs] How rude.
You don't know what you're talking about.
[toilet flushes]
[audience laughs]
However, the young
children must be advised
not to try this at home alone.
We were professionals.
[audience laughs]
And there can be nothing more sad
than watching someone that
you really love and care about
burn all the hair off his ass
by a lit fart gone astray.
[audience laughs]
The upside of this, however,
is that lit farts don't smell.
Now,
like necrophilia, everybody
has a really great fart story.
[audience laughs]
Unfortunately, most people have the good
common decency not to tell them.
No such luck here, for I will tell mine.
Happened in college, true story,
biology class, big amphitheater-type class,
filled with people.
And sitting next to me,
William Henry Ruple, III,
a wit in his own right.
William Henry, I believe,
was voted the most likely to
either assassinate a
president or a rock star.
The class was also filled
with a lot of gorgeous women
that I knew could have
been potential dates
until William Henry
decided to fluff his buns.
Not an SBD folks, this was a rattler.
This was a rattler that
this puppy had the potential
to get a Titan III rocket off the ground.
Now,
when the reverberation stopped in this
acoustically correct arena
and all heads start turning toward us...
Now, the average person, you see,
would be really embarrassed
in a situation like that,
but not William Henry.
He just looked at me and said,
just loud enough for everybody to hear,
"My god, Don, that was rude."
[audience laughs]
What could I say, what could I say?
Anyway, just leave you with
a couple of passing things,
one, a fart is a terrible thing to waste.
And second in the words of
Confucius, you all know,
Confucius say, man who fart
in church sit in own pew.
Thank you.
[audience applauds]
Oh,
god.
[upbeat music]
My husband's sleeping with his secretary.
Oh, you poor thing, but brace yourself.
Mine is dating the new
boy in the mail room.
[upbeat music]
[audience applauds]
Oh, thank you, thank you, this is...
Whoa.
I'm sorry, it's uh...
It seems the MC left a little
olfactory present up here for me.
I apologize.
I swear to God I'll do
jokes for you in a minute
soon as I can get some oxygen.
Just, just hang on.
I don't mean to waste
your time up here, but,
I swear to God, if I worked for CNN,
I'd be wearing a gas mask by now.
[audience laughs]
Oh, I don't mean to
offend anyone out there
who's, who's, you know,
really flatulent, but
God it's hard to tell jokes
when you're trying to figure out
how long a man can stand
in a cloud of noxious gas
without asphyxiating.
[laughing]
Oh, okay, I swear I'll
do my act in just a sec.
This is just awful up here, man.
Can we turn on some air
conditioning or something,
do some quick repairs on
that wind he just broke?
'Cause this is harming me.
I don't, I don't mean to
sound like one of these
reactionary antiflatulationists
we've seen around.
That's not, that's not the point.
I do it myself now and again
when I need to, not just for fun.
If you do, I guess that's
okay, too, but I just,
not up here, 'cause I
gotta work here, man.
All right, I do.
I apologize, I'll get down to this.
It's just, ugh.
Y'all, don't be embarrassed.
Do we have any particularly
flatulent people here tonight?
[women cheering]
Oh, yeah, just the MC, me once in a while,
and one lady sitting alone at a table.
[audience laughs]
Oh my god.
It's not a thing to be ashamed of.
I don't mean to be making
fun of you, if, if,
'cause, you know, I'm
sure everyone in this room
has farted at least one time.
Well, not at one time,
that's not a pretty picture.
At one time or another,
I'm sure we've all done it.
You have to, really, otherwise I guess
you fill up with methane
and float off into space.
[audience laughs]
That's good, just sit tight.
I swear I will do jokes for you in
just a second, as soon
as my eyes stop burning.
I'll be all over this thing.
Aye.
I know it's gotten ridiculous,
and I don't think the
time is that far off,
you know, that we'll
have completely outgrown
the whole farting taboo in the country,
and you'll be able to put on
a bumper sticker that says,
"I fart loud, and I'm damn proud."
[audience laughs]
For the time being, just hang
with me, I'll get to jokes.
I thought he was good, he was funny.
That was really funny. [laughs]
[static hissing]
[Announcer] Are you far from home?
Maybe you're on your
own for the first time,
and you miss the ones you left at home.
We can make those pictures
seem almost alive.
How?
With Fresh Wind.
[can farts]
That smells just like mom after dinner.
[can farts]
Ohh, that smells just like Dad's farts,
and it's even got a hint of
his B.O. stench in there.
And remember those afternoon
cookouts with Uncle Charlie?
[can farts]
Oh, gross me out, that is him.
It's like they're all right here with me.
And this one will take you back.
[can farts]
Oh, it's my high school locker room.
Fresh wind, the spray scent
that brings the ones you love
right into the room with you.
Wow,
here's mom,
dad,
Uncle Charlie.
[can farts]
Oh, yuck.
These things are so gross,
they make me wanna puke.
It's like I never left home.
Don't forget the special bonus can.
[can farts]
It's Fluffy, our dog.
Fresh wind.
They stink just like the real thing.
Oh, I miss you, Heather, so much.
[upbeat music]
Well, how old do you think I am?
Drop your pants, and I'll tell you.
You're 83.
83, that's amazing.
How did you figure that out?
You told me 10 minutes ago.
[upbeat music]
No, no, it's more like a balloon
with the skin peeled off.
Let's review.
Rodney, our returning champion
from Minneapolis, has $800.
Challengers Angela knows
her stuff, with $1200,
and Leonard with zero.
We're ready to play the second half.
Contestants,
fart in please.
[all farting]
Well, you sound ready, so let's play Who
Cut
the Cheese.
[audience applauds]
All right contestants, please,
identify
this fart.
[farts]
[upbeat music]
[farts]
Rodney.
That's a rotten egg fart?
[audience applauds]
Yeah.
And contestants, here's the next one.
I didn't hear anything.
[Host] Angela.
Silent but deadly.
Yes, for $200 and the lead.
My Angela, you sure know your flatulence.
My parents raised me to be a lady.
[laughs]
Oh that girl, whoa baby.
And Leonard, what's the matter with you?
We haven't heard from you in a while.
I knew that one, but I
couldn't fart in time.
If you wanna win, you
gotta be fast on the fart.
But we're gonna help you out.
Pierre, bring Leonard a bean burrito.
And now, let's hear
about the prizes we have
for today's losing contestants.
[Announcer] I'd love to, Bob.
Of course, every contestant
receives the home version
of Who Cut the Cheese.
And for each losing contestant,
we have that special consolation cologne.
That special fragrance that
everyone knows it's you.
That special fragrance that lingers
even after you've left the room.
Of course, Bob, I'm talking
about Eau de Barking Spiders,
from the house of Barking Spiders,
that unisex scent that lingers.
Now, back to you, Bob, and
more Who Cut the Cheese.
[audience applauds]
Well, they're sure some swell gifts.
Gosh.
But now let's get to the segment we call
Farts of the Rich and Famous.
Now, this fart, contestants,
is the property of Madonna,
Cher,
or Rosanne Barr.
[farts]
Rodney?
Rosanne Barr.
No.
[farts]
Angela?
Cher?
No, too bad, tough tomato.
Leonard?
Gotta be Madonna.
But Leonard, you know the rules.
You have to fart in before
you give the answer.
[fart squeaks]
Oh, that was a pathetic fart.
I personally would be
ashamed of a fart like that.
But let's hear your answer, Leonard.
Madonna.
No.
Minus $800.
Contestants, the answer is
who cares.
That's right, contestants, who cares.
Now, the judges would also accept
I don't give a shit.
[audience applauds]
[upbeat music]
That's what I was gonna say.
Holy...
Yeah, who really gives a
shit, you know what I mean?
Contestants, now a little nostalgia.
Instead of speaking, this
beloved entertainer would
[blows horn]
So contestants,
when Harpo Marx wanted
to pass gas in a movie,
was his trademark sound
A, [whistle shrills]
B, [baby cries], or C [bells ring]?
Oh, I know this one, I know this one.
[grunting]
Oh no.
Too bad, Leonard, disqualification.
Pierre?
And I knew the answer to that one.
Tough break, kid.
Angela, Rodney,
[farts loudly]
Oh, I'm sorry, we're out of
time, but till next time folks,
may all your farts be dry ones.
[audience applauds]
[upbeat music]
[farts]
Oh come on.
It had to be her.
What the?
This is good pizza.
What is Heather doing?
Oh man.
I'll put some of this on, yeah.
Oh, banana, oh god,
it's a good banana, too.
Dates, oh.
It's always tough to go on a date
when you're always breaking wind.
There's not too many places
you can go with a girl.
You know, you go some place,
and you'd have to lean to
the left, lean to the right,
make a little small talk.
There's, uh, one other
thing I'd like to mention.
Oh man.
Where is Heather?
Oh, man, where are you Heather?
[upbeat music]
Last week, I asked my husband for money
to make our home a better
living environment.
So, what did he do?
He gave me $10,000 and
told me to move out.
[gasps] How rude.
Bong his ass.
It's about time.
[gong tolls]
Well, drive easy next time.
Stewy, Stewy, Stewy,
why did you bong for Harvey
when he was so close
to the world's record?
I just couldn't take it anymore.
Can you tell me if I'm
going to get lucky tonight?
Charles, we'll get to that later.
Right now, let's get going.
[audience applauds]
[upbeat music]
Oh, I'll put the blindfold on.
Nope, can't see a thing. [giggling]
Just stretching.
All right.
May we have our first
volunteer from the audience?
[audience applauds]
All right, stand right
there next to the Madam, and
let her have it.
[farts]
Mmm.
Mmm, very fragrant.
It's obviously a woman.
You like to wear silk panties.
[audience laughs]
Are you sure, Madam?
Oh yes, very sure.
I'm smelling you are not a vegetarian,
and you like to sleep alone.
[Host] Eh, no, wait, wait.
Let's let the madam try again.
[Madam] Was I wrong?
Just a little.
Well, sometimes it takes a little while
to get the juices flowing.
Oh, uhhuh.
Well, let's have our next
volunteer from the audience.
[audience applauds]
You little rascal, you.
[laughing]
Barris Chuck, you are so funny, man.
[farts]
Whoo, what a lot of musk.
You are a very virile man.
[audience laughs]
Boo, oh, boo.
[gong tolls]
Oh, oh.
Oh Morgan.
That's terrible.
Yes, it was.
She's terrible.
Oh, I'm sorry Madam.
Well, I guess your ancient
art just couldn't [laughs]
cut the cheese.
[audience applauds]
A fraudulent old woman with
poor taste in clothing.
Is that right, yeah.
That's right.
Wrong card, sorry.
Well, folks, so far it's
Patty's Poopstained Poodle
is in the lead with 27 points.
And what a delight they
were, huh folks? [laughs]
Anyway, let's bring out
our final contestant,
who just might give Pat and her pets
a run for their money.
Oh, they are so good,
they are three men who really are barbers,
and they practice their musical act
[laughs] between haircuts.
All right, let's all welcome
The Skunk Cabbage Boys.
[audience applauds]
[upbeat music]
[harmonizing]
[farting America the Beautiful]
Oh,
oh,
oh!
That was fantastic.
Do you sing, too? [laughs]
Well, let's see how you did
with our panel of judges.
Stewy?
I give them a 10,
which starts with T,
which stands for talent, Barris.
[audience applauds]
And how 'bout you, Morgon?
Definite fart art.
I also give them a 10.
[audience applauds]
And Charles, Charles, what did you think
of The Skunk Cabbage Boys?
I want those guys to play
at my nephew's Bar Mitzvah.
Oh, they're great.
10 from Stewy,
10 from Morgan,
and another 10, that's super all the way.
All right!
All the way.
[audience applauds]
That's 30 points,
making you this week's
grand prize winners!
[audience applauds]
[harmonizing]
[upbeat music]
That was really funny. [laughs]
Oh, I miss you Heather, so much.
So, this guy goes to a
psychiatrist for the first time.
The shrink decides to give him a test.
So, he draws a picture of a square.
"What does this remind you of?"
Guy says, "Breaking wind."
So, then he draws a picture of a circle.
"And this?"
The guy says, "Breaking wind."
Then he draws a picture of an orange,
a picture of a chair, and a tree.
Breaking wind, breaking
wind, breaking wind.
"What is this obsession you
have with breaking wind?"
The psychiatrist says.
Guy says, "Me?"
"You're the one drawing the pictures."
[laughing]
[Russell] Because you're
obsessed with my obsession.
[static hissing]
[church music]
Friends,
I am here today to exercise you
from the pangs of the devil,
and fill your hearts,
your minds, you souls,
and particularly your gullets,
with the spirit of the Lord.
Now, in my travels, my
crusades throughout this
great land of ours, I have
broken bread with many a sinner.
That's right.
I said sinner.
I said sinner, because many
of these fellow travelers
have thought nothing
of breaking wind while
they are breaking bread.
Farting!
Passing gas!
Exploding in a veritable cacophony
of sound and smell in my presence.
Now,
earlier in my calling,
I took the path of forgiveness
for they know not what they do.
When I heard the blast and
smelled the gas, I let it pass.
I turned the other cheek so to speak.
But after several years
of observing these sinners,
shoveling a disgusting array
of food down their mouths
and then happily letting
go at the other end,
I realized that if the Lord
wanted us to create such massive amounts
of intestinal gas, he wouldn't
have said honor thy father.
He'd have said honor thy farter!
Because
of this weakened display
throughout this great
land of ours is as plain
and painful
as a pimple on a baby's behind,
farting is the devil's work.
That's right, sinners.
After years of observing
and exposing myself
to restaurants filled
with pandemonious assholes
reverberating with the sound
of the devil's thunder,
after years of fast food
stands and cocktail parties,
after years of spying
in supermarket aisles,
after years
of observing the unmitigated crap
you sinners shovel down your
mouths time and time again,
I realize it is the work of the devil now.
The Lord madeth man in his own images.
He put Adam and Eve
in a Garden of Eden
laden with holy fruits.
Fruits that would pass cleanly
and silently through
the intestinal highway.
Holy food in,
and holy sewage out.
But then came the devil, sinners,
and the apple was tainted.
Adam ate that tainted
apple and immediately
had an intestinal attack
that would have asphyxiated
half of Cleveland.
The devil danced and
applaud, while the Lord
gagging and holding his nose, no doubt,
gave Adam the heave ho.
But the devil is still dancing, sinners.
He dances every time you
take a bite into that burrito
and let go of the
thunderclap at the other end.
He cackles with glee whenever
you step into an elevator
and thicken the air with
your noxious anal antics
after a threemartini lunch.
He laughs every time you step into bed
and stink up your sheets
after midnight snacking on
that leftover Chinese takeout
that has been decomposing in
the refrigerator for a week.
Oh, sure, wash it down
with a bottle of beer.
Do you think the bubbles will help?
There is a light
at the end of your
intestinal tunnel, sinners.
For those of you who
care to choose the path
of victual purity,
there is relief
and enlightenment.
I have here in my hand
a just published,
Reverend Purgess Manual
for a Fart-free Diet.
Yes.
Yours truly,
Reverend Purgess
after years of painstaking research,
and three successful
hemorrhoidal operations,
praise the Lord,
has diagrammed
a program designed
and guaranteed
to effectively exorcise
the dancing devils in your
upper and lower colon.
Yes,
just send me $49.95, plus
$2 postage and handling.
Read and apply what I have set to paper,
and you
who have discharged with the devil,
can stroll handinhand fume free
with the Lord.
Amen.
Why is everybody so against me farting?
Just because I do it on the outside
doesn't make me a criminal, does it?
I mean, I'm no phony
Johnnycomelately farter.
I fart because I have to fart.
And I don't intend to stop
farting till the end of time.
Because, [dramatic music]
because,
because
farting is my life.
And it's my constitutional right
as a law abiding citizen to fart.
As God is my witness,
I swear, I'll never stop farting again.
[triumphant music]
[upbeat music]
I have a special treat
for all you dear people.
The Medicine Wheel Band has
agreed to perform for us.
[audience applauds]
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ Rolling on the highway ♪
♪ Rolling in a mobile home ♪
♪ When I get back home I like
to keep my tail pipe warm ♪
♪ Laying in the tub I like
to blow out a bubble or two ♪
♪ Well, honey don't you know I
always save the best for you ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ Staring at the cooler, I
like a little apple juice ♪
♪ And it makes it extra special ♪
♪ When I know that you are here ♪
♪ Going to the kitchen
warming up a can of beans ♪
♪ Cover it with catsup it's
a whole mess right there ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
[guitar riff]
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪
♪ Let that feeling pass ♪
♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪
♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
♪ Life's ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Gas ♪
[audience applauds]
[static hissing]
[Announcer] You went
wild for Young MC Crazy,
or Run D.M.C.
Now let your systems reel for MC Gaseous.
Yes, you can have his
first Special Edition album
that includes such up and coming hits as
Blow Me Away, Can't Eat That,
Love Me, Touch Me, Smell Me,
Release It, Something Burns Within,
Blowing in the Wind, Yo Yo Yo Beans,
Let's Air Our Differences, That Was I,
Fresh Air For Mikey,
and the new dance sensation,
Do The Butt Fan.
Buy now and you'll receive
a special recording
of Celebrity Farts.
Hear those you admire most cut one,
break wind and let it go.
This offer is not
available in record stores,
so order now by calling 1800555FART,
or send check or money
order to M.C. Gaseous,
P.P. Box 1781 Billings, Montana,
95619.
Don't miss this chance
to add these fine albums
to your collection.
Oh, I gotta get that record,
I gotta get that record.
Whoo!
[static hissing]
Why so glum, Heather?
I miss Russell.
Hmm, well I certainly don't.
It's a refreshing change for once.
[mellow music]
[Announcer] Tonight's News
Break is brought to you by
Cornelli's Chili and GasX.
You can't have one without the other.
[dramatic music]
Good evening.
I'm Charles McPharter,
and this is News Break.
Our top story tonight:
genetic researchers
may have created a new type of super food
which they claim will end world hunger.
For more details, we go to Dan Steamer
who's standing by live.
Thank you, Charles.
I'm here at the Center for
Agricultural Research in Portland
where the super bean, as it's
being called, was created.
It's a hybrid plant, and like the soybean,
can be used to simulate
almost any kind of food.
The designer of the
bean, Dr. Raoul LePoot,
is here with me now.
Hello.
This bean of yours, how nutritious is it?
Oh, it's very nutritious, Dan.
It has a minimum of 400%
of the USRDA for the major
27 vitamins and minerals.
Remarkable.
When is the bean going
to reach the marketplace?
Just as soon as we work
out the last side effect.
Side effect?
What sort of side effect?
Flatulence.
Uncontrollable flatulence which
lasts, um, 72 hours or more.
But you can fix it, right?
Well actually, it's not that
bad once you get used to it.
Some of our researchers are
living off the bean now.
They have been going strong
for two, three weeks now.
Hmm, great.
You said before the broadcast
you were testing the
bean in certain areas.
Right, it's on the marketplace
in Houston, Atlanta,
St. Louis, Miami, and Topeka.
And so far we've had nothing
but positive feedback.
Well, congratulations, Dr. LePoot.
On that note, back to you Charles.
Dan, one quick question before you go.
[Dan] Yes, Charles?
Have you yourself tried the bean?
[farts]
No Charles, I haven't had a chance.
Thank you, Dan.
I'm sure you'll be standing
by if anything breaks.
Now, it's time for a look
at tomorrow's weather,
so we'll go to Phil Shorts.
Thanks, Chuck.
Our big weather concern tonight is
the unusual pattern started
in Houston, Atlanta,
St. Louis,
Miami,
and Topeka.
We haven't quite figured out why,
but people have reported strong hot winds,
unusually thick fog, and
even some spot tornadoes.
We'll try to keep you posted
as we figured out this
strange weather phenomenon.
Back to you.
Finally, tonight,
we have an editorial from our
station manager, Fred Rear.
Thank you.
[farts]
Tonight I am here because I am shocked
by the stage manners of today's
rock and roll performers.
My daughter and I recently
attended a heavy metal concert,
and to tell you the truth,
I was shocked. [farts]
What bothered me the most
was the way the lead singer
of the band conducted himself.
He kept touching his groin
and taking off most of his clothes.
Personally, I was offended
by it all. [farts]
All I'm saying is that
when you are in public
appearing in front of people,
you have an obligation
to prevent, present,
a professional image.
[farts]
Then again, this is the 90's.
I hope I'm not just an
out of touch old man.
I hope there's a future for rock and roll.
Back to you, Charles.
Thank you, Fred.
And join us tomorrow night for
[static hissing]
Back to these comedic interludes.
You know, there's the infamous,
or out famous, infamous,
out, infamous arm fart.
You need the kind where you...
I can't do it 'cause I got
more class than that. [laughs]
But the arm fart, you
know, is a killer one.
Then there's also the lip fart,
you know, the [blows raspberry] like that,
but isn't doesn't exactly the...
You know, somebody called it a raspberry,
but it's not a raspberry,
dude, it's a lip fart.
Lookit. [blows raspberry]
That's a lip fart, it ain't no raspberry.
Where did they get raspberry, I mean.
Dude, catch a clue, why don't you.
[static hissing]
No, you're wrong, fat people
aren't the worst farters.
Politicians are.
[laughs] Why?
Because they feed us so much
crap during their speeches,
who's gonna notice a little fart or two.
What about your
intellectual types at those
fancy new-age conferences?
When one of them farts, they
smile at each other like
there's some deep
communication between them that
nobody else understands.
I'll tell you the worst type of fart.
It's when you're the
only one in an elevator,
you think it's okay to fart because
no one will notice or care.
So, then you get to the next floor,
and like 25 people get in,
and they all know you did it. [laughs]
Last week, I did Swan Lake with Margot.
When I did my lift, there she was,
all stretched out like
she was gonna fly away.
And she farts.
Do you know the difference
between a fart at a fraternity
and a sorority?
Fraternity brothers
usually like to see who
could fart the loudest,
while their sorority sisters
compete with each other to
see who could fart the cutest.
Personally, I think farting
is a very dangerous business.
Oh, come on, how can you say that?
I mean, farting is as
natural as mom and apple pie.
Yeah, well, if all the moms
on Earth decided to fart
at the same time, the
combined methane output
would create the largest atomic explosion
ever created by mankind.
[laughs]
[farts]
[laughs]
[static hissing]
[Announcer] At at Times Square,
it's 10 more minutes
to the bewitching hour.
["Auld Lang Syne"]
[TV] The night was long,
and there at the realm of queens
a rich old man
It's 10 minutes before New Year's Eve,
and old Russell is home all alone
while Little Miss Heather is
having the time of her life.
["Auld Lang Syne"]
[static hissing]
Good evening, I'm Gene Siskelli
from the Chicago Tribunal.
And I'm Robert Ebertson
from the Chicago Daily.
Our first movie tonight is
funny, warm, and smelly.
In fact, I think we can both agree
that the subject matter stinks.
However, FART: The Movie
may turn out to be something
of a cult hit.
With a cult following of one.
The first part of the movie
was effectively scary.
It portrayed the real dramatic tension
of life with a fartaphobe.
Yeah, the movie starts out with Russell,
an out of control farter,
coming home from work.
And he really stinks.
Personally, I thought
this plot development
was somewhat asinine.
I knew you'd use that word.
Back to the movie.
Russell's also a couch potato.
He's already got two
major counts against him.
Whew, I'll say.
An edgy veggie.
You know the pathos of an underdog
like Russell always seems to grip me.
Come on, Russell has options.
He can join that 12step program
for fart addicts, OffAnon.
I think the producer wanted
us to see the struggles,
the sights, the sounds, the smells,
particularly the smells
of a modern relationship.
They spared no expense
down to the last detail.
Like the wood burned sign
outside of Russell's bedroom:
Better Out Than In.
You know, I didn't find this
movie to be as cartoonish
as I expected it to be.
No.
Now, if Russell had had a dog named Grunt
or a cat named Belch,
Grunt and Belch may have pushed FART away
from the hard edge of
reality it clings to.
Still, I think they could
have heightened the tension
in the New Year's scene if they
would have let Russell fart
to the rhythm of Auld Lang Syne.
I think you should be wearing my glasses
because you just didn't see
the point of this movie.
It's an attitude,
a world view which asks
is your colon half empty
or half full?
Well, I think this movie
is definitely gonna open up discussions
about discrimination against farters.
What of these Middle Age
myths do we still perpetuate?
Like men over 40 lose sexual potency?
No, no, no, I mean myths
from the Middle Ages.
Oh, like is it really necessary
to pass a lit match around
the room when you fart?
Right, right, or if you
fart on a crowded elevator,
is it really necessary
to push the emergency button
and scream chemical leak?
Or getting dental xrays
makes you fart during sex.
Yeah, flossing your teeth
makes your farts set off smoke alarms.
How 'bout if you hold a fart
for more than five minutes,
you could explode from
spontaneous combustion?
Yeah, yeah.
Now, there's an epitaph.
He tried, and he died, but don't
he smell good in his grave?
We wanna trash such myths,
but you know my wife had
had dental xrays last month,
and she seemed to have a
fixation for sandalwood incense.
Pure coincidence.
FART is not a dark vision
because there's hope
for Russell and Heather.
Big farters can now
have a special operation
called flatusuction, which
sucks the excess gas out.
I've seen guys lose five pants
sizes over this operation.
Now, for it's willingness
to after the backside of our humor,
I'd say that FART: The Movie
registers a 5.5 on the rectum scale.
I'm gonna have to agree
with you in this case.
The subject matter alone
will probably break
wind at the box office.
So, we don't actually give it a thumbs up
or a thumbs down, but
A forefinger and a
thumb clasping the nose.
That's our sign for
hold your nose, Hold your nose,
and go see this movie.
And go see this movie.
Oh, and if you wait for
it to come out on video,
you're in for a real treat.
The producers are marketing
it in a scratchandsniff box.
Right, when a flashing
number comes on the screen,
you scratch the matching
number on your box,
and it gives you the fresh smell of farts.
That's primitive, disgusting,
and highly marketable.
Until next week, the
balcony is closed. [farts]
And needs to be aired out.
[upbeat music]
Better than Gone With the
Wind, you gotta be kidding.
The acting was as good
as Inherit the Wind,
I don't know what you
guys are talking about.
[static hissing]
It's 30 seconds to midnight, people.
Is everybody ready?
[everyone cheers]
[All] 10,
nine,
eight,
seven,
six,
five,
four,
three,
two,
one.
Happy New Year!
[laughing]
[all farting]
[bomb explodes]
[screaming]
Honey, honey, everything's okay.
You were just having a little nightmare.
Everything is fine now.
I'm here.
It was horrible, Russell.
I dreamt that you wouldn't stop,
and then I went to this New
Year's Eve party without you,
and everyone started
Hey, look what time it is.
It's five minutes before midnight.
Can you believe it?
It's just enough time to
welcome in the new year.
I love you, baby.
I love you, too.
[farts]
Sorry, Russell.
I couldn't help myself.
Don't worry, baby, it
happens to the best of us.
Try this one on for size.
[farts] Ah!
[laughing]
[both farting]
[upbeat music]
♪ Get yourself alone and
get yourself a beer ♪
♪ Go on and sit back on a mobile ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Well, I had a bad dream ♪
♪ But it gets good ♪
♪ Just get me Hannah ♪
♪ If she can't call you ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Never answer your phone ♪
♪ Keep the tape machine on ♪
♪ Turn around, drop down ♪
♪ Do run, run ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Well, it ain't a crime ♪
♪ Well, it ain't naughty ♪
♪ Just one big hustle
from the very start ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Well, it ain't easy ♪
♪ But it ain't hard ♪
♪ Let's push it, push it, push it ♪
♪ And shove, shove, shove ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ People say here they come ♪
♪ The police and your mom ♪
♪ Turn round, drop down ♪
♪ Do run, run ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ Well, it ain't pretty ♪
♪ It ain't cute ♪
♪ You see, a friend of mine's sharp ♪
♪ In a long leisure suit ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Well, it ain't sweet ♪
♪ Honey it ain't cool ♪
♪ It's a pounding on wheels ♪
♪ Gets the best of it too ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Don't look at me with that sad face on ♪
♪ Turn around, drop down ♪
♪ Do run, run ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪
♪ Hey, hey, it's a modern world ♪
♪ Hey, hey, it's a modern world ♪
♪ Hey baby ♪
♪ It's a modern world ♪