Expecting Mary (2010) - full transcript
Expecting Mary is the story of a young girl who's had all the trappings of an upscale life, but it's only when she finds herself in a downtrodden trailer park in a small New Mexico town that she learns the real meaning of love, sacrifice, and family.
(pigs snorting)
- Kill the pigs, kill the pigs,
kill the pigs, kill the pigs!
Yeah, whoo!
Whoo, yeah!
Let's do it!
Get those pigs!
We're gonna kill 'em!
Yeah! (laughs)
Woo-hoo!
Yeah!
Hey, Annie, we're gonna kill your pigs.
You hear that?
- You stay away from my pigs!
(gun fires)
(upbeat music)
(gun fires)
(singing in foreign language)
- Annie!
Annie, stop shooting!
Are you out of your mind?
- You're late.
- I know, I know, I am sorry,
but you can't go around shooting
children with a shotgun.
- Oh, I load up with
bacon rind or rock salt.
Not gonna kill 'em,
it's the smart a little. (chuckles)
- They're children.
- Oh, they're hooligans!
Besides, there's nothing
to do in this town
except scare pigs and shoot children.
Whoop-de-doo.
Here, baby.
- You could've hit the T-bird.
- Georgio needs to walk.
- (sighs) I'll walk him.
- Go to Aunt Darnella.
Yeah, sweetie.
(chuckles)
Can you do it?
- Oh sweetheart.
(indistinct)
You're so beautiful, yes you are.
Oh, yes you are, sweetheart.
- The sweetest little thing.
Yeah.
(shushing)
- Very good.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- All right.
I'll walk him, you go inside.
- Yeah.
Freezing. (shivers)
- It's brisk.
It's a beautiful, brisk,
perfect Thanksgiving day.
- Whoop-de-doo.
(soft rock music)
♪ Skulking around ♪
♪ Scared of your reflection ♪
♪ 'cause it's staring you down ♪
♪ And on closer inspection ♪
♪ It seems that you've found ♪
♪ A strange predilection for frowns ♪
♪ Oh, you wear it like a crown ♪
♪ So you wallow in the muck and the mud ♪
♪ 'Cause you swallowed a bucket of blood ♪
♪ Swallowed a bucket of blood ♪
- Whoa, Nelly!
I didn't know you had
one in the oven, kiddo.
I would've put the step down for you.
Here, I'll go out and get the door.
- It's okay, I got it.
- No, no, no,
I'll get it.
- It's okay, I got it.
♪ Skulking around ♪
♪ Scared of your reflection ♪
♪ 'Cause it's staring you down ♪
♪ And on closer inspection ♪
♪ It seems that you've found ♪
♪ A strange predilection for frowns ♪
- What's your name?
- Mary.
- I'm Horace Weitzel.
Pleased to meet you, Mary.
Mind if I ask a personal question?
- I'm 16, I'm not married.
I ran away from home.
I'm just about eight months pregnant
and I'm going to see my
father in Los Angeles.
I'm having the baby there.
Does that pretty much cover it?
- No, not really.
- Well, that's about
all I've got, you know?
- I was gonna ask if you like polka music.
- Polka music?
- Yeah.
Frankie Yankovic, the Polka King.
Myron Floren.
You never heard of Myron Floren?
- No.
- Here.
- What's this?
- What do you mean, "What's this?"
That's an 8-track.
Arnie Alavancus and his Polka Princes.
Put that puppy right in there, kiddo.
You're about to hear the
happiest music on earth.
(upbeat polka music)
♪ I wish I could learn to yodel ♪
♪ I really don't know how ♪
♪ If I could learn to yodel ♪
♪ I'd yodel when I milk the cow ♪
♪ If I could learn ♪
- [Horace] I'm starving.
Are you hungry?
- [Mary] I'm pregnant.
I'm always hungry.
- Well, we're gonna stop
in at the Kaiyute Casino.
They got an all-you-can-eat buffet there
that will rival anything in Vegas,
especially on Thanksgiving.
I got a sweetheart there.
- You do?
- What do you mean, "You do?"
She's a showgirl.
These flowers are for her.
- You're going with a showgirl?
- Yeah, I'm going with a showgirl.
And not just any showgirl, either.
Darnella Dare.
She was in all those big reviews in Vegas.
Sinatra gave her a T-bird.
You heard of him, haven't you?
- Frank Sinatra?
- No, Marty Sinatra.
Of course Frank Sinatra,
the chairman of the board.
Francis Albert Sinatra
gave her a T-bird in Vegas
right after Ava Gardner dumped him.
- Who's Ava Gardner?
- Oh, kid.
You're breaking my heart.
♪ Yodelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Odel-Ay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Odel-Ay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ I'll yodel now for you ♪
- This is the same leisure suit
that Sean Connery wore in "Goldfinger".
- It looks good.
- All the ladies love it.
Come on, I wanna introduce you
to the owner of the establishment.
She's the last of the Kaiyute Indians.
- Lillian!
- Horace, darling!
(speaking Yiddish)
- I want you to meet my friend.
Mary, this is Lillian Littlefeather,
the last of the Kaiyutes.
- My husband, Marty Littlefeather,
was the last of the Kaiyutes,
may he rest in peace.
I'm just a Kaiyute by marriage.
But now I'm the last of
the Kaiyutes. (chuckles)
So, darling, when are you due?
- Uh, in about a month or so.
- Oh.
Well, as they say in
Kaiyute, (speaking Yiddish).
(speaking Yiddish)
- Would you see that Darnella gets these?
- Of course, Horace.
Lovely. (laughs)
Horace, you know where
the buffet table is,
so help yourself.
And get this beautiful
young girl some food.
She's eating for two, you know.
(breathing heavily)
(drum roll)
- Good evening, ladies and germs,
and welcome to the Kaiyute Casino Review.
I am your host, Cheeky Blaine,
and we have got special,
special guest for you.
We have got the king
of rock and roll, baby,
backed up by the musical
stylings of the Wise Men.
Not to mention, we've
got those gorgeous gals,
the Kaiyute Caiyuties.
Now, you all stand by now
and get ready for the show.
- All right.
Come on, move it girls.
Five minutes.
- You know that Horace
thinks he's your boyfriend.
- (laughs) He's harmless.
He just likes to have
someone to give flowers to.
- I wish someone would bring me flowers.
My boyfriend brings home a six-pack,
he thinks it's New Year's Eve.
(laughing)
(applauding)
- Thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much.
As you know, the holidays are here.
It's a time of happiness and cheer.
But while my friends are celebratin',
on my ears it will be gratin'
because the one I love isn't near.
♪ I'll have a blue ♪
♪ Christmas ♪
♪ Without you ♪
♪ I'll be so blue ♪
- [Women] Cooties!
Coyotes!
Kaiyute Caiyuties!
Go Caiyuties!
- [Lillian] Power up, girls.
(twinkling)
♪ Christmas tree ♪
♪ Won't be the same, dear ♪
♪ If you're not here with me ♪
♪ And when those blue ♪
♪ Snowflakes ♪
♪ Start fallin' ♪
♪ That's when those blue ♪
♪ Memories ♪
♪ Start callin' ♪
♪ You'll be doin' all right ♪
♪ With your Christmas of white ♪
♪ But I'll ♪
♪ Have a blue ♪
♪ Blue, blue, blue Christmas ♪
(bubbling)
- Oh.
More salt, Julio.
(applauding)
- And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the Kaiyute Casino is proud to present
the Kaiyute Caiyuties!
Miss Shar D'Anay!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
♪ Ooh ♪
- Miss Crystal Lite!
- Yeah!
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Wow, wow!
- Miss Darnella Dare!
- Darnella!
(whistling)
(kisses)
♪ Ooh ♪
- You're beautiful!
♪ White ♪
♪ Blue, blue, blue Christmas ♪
- Hey, isn't this the same leisure suit
that Sean Connery wore in "Goldfinger"?
- Hmm.
- I love this suit.
(playful music)
(siren blaring)
- Would you believe he won
the jackpot on the last pull?
Darling, he would want you to have this.
- Oh, he was such a sweet man.
- Yeah.
At least he went out doing what he loved,
eating and playing the slots.
He was so full, full of life.
- Well, you can't ask for
anything better than that.
- No!
(laughing)
Oh, darling, I'm so sorry
for your loss as well.
I know he was your friend, too.
- Actually, he just gave me a ride.
I was hitchhiking and-
- Hitchhiking, in your condition?
- Oh my god.
- Um, yeah.
I'm on my way to see my dad.
I'm gonna get my stuff out of his truck
and I'm gonna try to get another ride.
But I really am sorry about your friend.
He was a really nice guy, and uh,
he liked polka music.
- Yes, he did.
- He did.
He loved polka music.
- Yeah.
- It was nice meeting y'all.
- Oh, honey, wait a minute.
You can't expect to stand out here
in this freezing cold weather
eight months pregnant
expecting to find a ride on Thanksgiving.
- I just, I don't know what-
- You can stay with me.
You can spend the night,
and then tomorrow, uh,
tomorrow's another day.
- You're welcome to stay
with me, too, darling.
I mean, but I have to warn you,
my husband, Mr. Littlefeather,
used to say I snore like
a moose in heat. (laughs)
- Uh.
- She'll stay with me.
- Very wise.
Okay.
(slow music)
♪ Ahh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
- [Darnella] She's probably asleep by now,
but I've promised her that I'd come over.
- [Mary] Wow.
What is this place?
- Well, Annie calls it a pig farm.
But she never sells any of them.
They just die of old age
in a loving environment.
It's actually more of a pig hospice,
when you think about it.
(Annie snoring)
- I really am sorry
about your friend Horace,
the way he died.
- Oh, I don't believe in death.
I just think of it as
taking off our spacesuits.
- So, your Christmas lights are up early.
- Oh, I leave them up all year long.
The Christmas spirit is just so nice.
It's a shame to save it for Christmas.
So, now, you take the bed
and I'll sleep on the convertible sofa.
- No, I couldn't do that.
- Well, of course you
could, you're pregnant.
You need your sleep.
Your baby needs your sleep,
or his sleep, or her sleep, or-
- No, honestly, I couldn't.
I'll be fine on the couch.
- Oh, it's no trouble.
- It's okay, I've got my monkey pillow.
I'll be fine.
(crickets chirping)
- You okay over there?
- Monkey pillow and red satin sheets.
- (laughs) Can't beat that.
Do you know what you're gonna have?
- A bowling ball.
- (laughs) I meant a boy or a girl.
- Uh, whatever, you know.
- What do you mean, "Whatever"?
You're having a baby.
You're bringing new life into the world.
Aren't you excited?
- I'm a runaway.
I hitched a ride with a
polka-loving truck driver
who died of a heart attack.
It's not like I've got this
all planned out, you know?
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay.
You're being really nice.
It's just, uh...
It's just, uh. (laughs)
It's so screwed up.
Everything's so screwed up.
I'm so screwed up.
- You know, sometimes
things don't turn out
the way we planned.
But then sometimes the very same things
turn out to be blessings.
- The truth is, I'm only having it
because my parents don't want me to.
- Well, (sighs) sometimes when people
are under financial pressures
and they have other mouths to feed-
- Financial pressure?
They're rich.
I'm rich, we're rich.
They could afford to feet 20 more mouths.
I was an embarrassment.
I go to boarding school,
and everyone there would know.
All of the girls, all of their parents.
Everyone in their social circle.
So, they said "Come home
and have an abortion.
We'll say it was appendicitis."
And then I would go back and
everything would be fine.
Except the point is-
- What?
- It doesn't matter.
It's stupid.
I'm stupid, it doesn't matter.
- You're not stupid.
Don't say that.
What doesn't matter?
- I went away to boarding school
when I was eight years old,
and before that it was nannies and maids,
and they were traveling, or...
The point is, I didn't want everything
to be okay, all right?
I didn't want them to be able
to say it was appendicitis,
and everything would go
back to the way it was.
I didn't want everything to
be back to the way it was.
I hated the way it was.
I wanted them to have to deal with it,
to deal with me.
- And what did they say?
- They said that I was having
an abortion, that was that.
That they're not gonna be made fools of
because their daughter is a tramp.
So, I said "Fine, tell
your friends I'm dead."
And I ran.
Could I have a glass of water, please?
- Of course.
(water running)
How long have you been running?
- Oh, three months.
I call them, you know?
I buy on of those pay as you go phones,
and I ditch it so they can't trace it.
I stay with friends.
And now I'm going to my
dad's, because he's cool.
He gets it.
He gets me.
He'll get the kid, too.
I wanna move in, and I'll have
the kid and take care of it.
Him, her, it. (chuckles)
- The baby.
- The baby.
- Your baby.
- My baby.
- When I wasn't much older
than you, I got pregnant.
And at first all I thought about was,
what was going on with me?
But now you're the mom.
And your baby is going
to be depending on you
making the right decisions.
- Yeah, well I made the right decision.
I'm going to my dad's.
- Well, good.
Now you can make another right decision.
Go to sleep. (laughs)
Do you have a nighty, or some pajamas?
- I'll just sleep in my underwear.
- You'll do no such thing.
I'll give you one of my nightgowns.
(humming)
um, oops.
Maybe not that one.
Oh, I have just the thing!
Annie made them for me.
I've never worn them.
- [Mary] Piggy jammies?
- (laughs) They'll keep you snug as a bug.
- [Mary] Thanks.
- Goodnight, sweetheart.
Sleep tight.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
(soft music)
(cheerful music)
(laughs)
- So, this is what you do every day?
Walk the pig?
- Well, Annie isn't as
spry as she used to be,
and uh, Georgio needs his exercise.
And it's such a beautiful day.
- But you're really not walking it,
you're holding it.
- Well, Georgio hurt his little pig foot
and the vet said he should stay
off of it for about a month.
But he's a very social pig,
and he loves to be out and about.
Oh.
There's Ms. Dorkus.
She owns the trailer park.
(playful orchestral music)
Good morning, Ms. Dorkus.
- What's so good about it?
- Well, it's just a beautiful day, is all.
- The economy is in a dump,
you live in a dump, I own a dump.
So, what have you got
to be so cheery about
all the time, anyway?
- Well, I just think
that life is wonderful.
- It's crap.
- Oh, you know that's not true.
You're just saying that.
This is my friend, Mary.
- Pregnant runaway teenager.
- Got it.
- I rest my case.
- Well, you just have a
wonderful day, Mrs. Dorkus.
- Well, your rent is due, Ms. Cheerful.
(playful orchestral music)
- Oh dear, I almost forgot.
- What?
- Horace, he was Jewish,
and they have to be buried the next day.
And I don't even think we
have another Jew in this town.
So here, why don't you
finish walking Georgio,
and I'll go look for a
Jew in the Yellow Pages.
- Nice pig.
- Nice bike.
- You live around here?
- No, I'm going to L.A.
My dad lives there.
- Cool.
- He's in a rock band.
- Way cool.
Is he like, famous?
- Limping Lions.
He had a big single in the '80s.
"Apocalypse Momma"?
- Oh yeah, that was like...
No, I'm thinking of Guns N' Roses.
- No, but they did a gig with them once.
- They did?
- They were like fourth in the bill,
but they got to see them and everything.
- Information?
Yes, for Kaiyute, New Mexico.
I'd like the number for anything Jewish.
- How long have you lived here?
- (sighs) I don't know.
Since my mom lost her job.
Couple of months, maybe.
Why?
- This place?
I don't know, it's really odd.
- (laughs) No duh.
- I mean, I woke up this
morning and I had piggy feet.
I don't know.
It's like, bizarro showgirl
"Alice in Wonderland".
- Mary, let's go, I found a Jew!
- Speaking of "Alice in Wonderland",
we found a Jew.
Here, hold my pig.
(upbeat acoustic guitar music)
- I just found out that
Lillian Littlefeather
is really Jewish.
I never even thought that
because who would think that Littlefeather
is really a Jewish name?
But anyway, Horace wasn't very religious,
but um, I wanted to honor his religion
and have someone from
his faith say a prayer.
- Makes sense.
- Yeah.
Lillian knows 'em all.
Not all the Jews, but all the prayers.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Of course.
- Did you ever wanna be anything else?
I mean, anything other than a showgirl?
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
- A flamenco dancer.
I just have a feeling that
we're missing something
that Horace might want.
- I think I know what it might be.
(upbeat polka music)
♪ I wish I could learn to yodel ♪
♪ But I really don't know how ♪
♪ If I could learn to yodel ♪
♪ I'd yodel when I milk the cow ♪
♪ I wish I'd learned to yodel ♪
♪ I'd yodel when I'm blue
♪ ♪ I'd yodel for me ♪
♪ I'd yodel for them ♪
♪ And then I'd yodel for you ♪
♪ Yodel-Odelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Odelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Odelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Oo ♪
♪ Yodel-oo ♪
♪ Yodel-Odelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Odelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Odelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ And then I'd yodel for you ♪
- Darnella, you did a mitzvah today.
- Oh.
What's a mitzvah?
- A mitzvah is, uh, in Kaiyute,
it means a good deed.
What is with you with this
(speaking Yiddish) veil?
Goodbye, darling.
I've gotta get back to the club.
Give me a kiss.
- It's glamorous, darling.
- Nice to meet you.
- Sweetheart, I'll see you later.
Bye darling!
- Bye, Lillian.
- [Lillian] Whoo!
For the same money
they could've planted him a little closer.
Oi, I've got this hip replacement,
they don't understand I can't walk.
(indistinct)
- I should go back to the
trailer and get my stuff
and get back on the road,
but thank you for everything.
It was really nice meeting you.
- No.
- What do you mean?
- Well, I mean, it's getting dark already
and um, thank you for all the help
you gave me with the funeral.
I couldn't have, uh, pulled
it together without you.
Anyway, you could just spend the night,
and um, you know, tomorrow's another day.
- I don't wanna put you out again.
- I won't hear another word about it.
And you shouldn't be hitchhiking anyway.
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
- Truth is, I'm scared.
- About having the baby?
- About all of it.
Nothing's simple anymore.
- Marshmallows are.
- I think I'll take her shopping tomorrow.
- I thought you were leaving tomorrow.
Didn't she say she was leaving tomorrow?
- I know.
I know, but maybe I'll take her shopping.
I thought maybe I'll buy
her something tasteful.
She doesn't have any maternity outfits,
only those awful t-shirts.
Something pretty.
- You wanna go see a DVD?
- Sure.
- I got "Princess Bride",
"Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?"
- Okay.
Oh, this is good.
- I knew it. (laughs)
- Knew what?
- Well, you're doing it.
- Doing what?
What am I doing?
- What you always do. (laughs)
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Every time you meet a new man,
you start spinning fairytales.
He's Prince Charming, and he's
the one who understands you.
Or, or, you're reading
one of those Vegas magazines of yours,
they're opening a hotel
and they're gonna do the
old-style reviews again.
- They are!
It's just a matter of time.
Glamor is going to make a comeback.
- And you're playing the Kaiyute Casino.
That's it, toots, that's
the end of the line.
After this you'll be a
waitress in a greasy spoon
pouring coffee for rednecks.
- I am not gonna listen
to this negativity.
- I know you like a book.
She's gonna go back to high school,
and then she'll have the baby,
and then she'll stay because
she won't have any place to go,
and then you'll be like a grandma,
and we'll live happily ever after.
Fairytales.
- Maybe not.
You don't know.
- It's what you're thinking.
I know what you're thinking.
- What if I am?
Family isn't just a
question of, well, family.
Sometimes we choose our family,
sometimes we make our own families.
- And what happens to me?
Huh?
What happens to me?
- Oh, Annie.
Is that what this is all about?
I love you.
You're my family.
And nothing is gonna change that.
Still, it might be nice,
a little bit bigger family, hmm?
- You had a daughter.
You gave her up.
You can't get her back with some stray.
- I'm not gonna listen to this anymore.
- You think only a man can
break your heart, Darnella?
- Shopping?
- Yeah.
- For what?
- I don't know, something
young and pretty and tasteful.
You know, not just t-shirts.
- Thanks, but you've done
enough already for me.
- No, it's no bother.
It would be fun.
- Yeah, but I need go to
go L.A., to see my dad.
- Oh yeah, but you can go
to L.A. in something pretty.
- Darnella, you're being really nice,
but I think he'll probably
wanna buy me stuff.
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, I'm his daughter
and it's gonna be his grandkid, so.
Excuse me.
- No.
No, you're, you're right.
You're (sighs), you're absolutely right.
Yeah.
Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
- Does your father know you're coming?
- Well, what do you mean?
- I mean, have you talked to him?
Is he expecting you?
- Well sure, what are you talking about?
Of course he knows I'm coming.
- Why didn't he send
you an airplane ticket,
or a bus ticket?
I, I'm sorry, I had no right
to ask you that question.
No, it's none of my
business and I apologize.
- What do you think?
He doesn't wanna see me?
- No, no, I never said that.
- My father loves me, okay?
- Well, I, I'm sure he
does, it's just that-
- What?
- (sighs) Well, it's just that,
you know, you're welcome to stay here.
You know, it's no bother,
and if things don't work out-
- My father loves me,
and he's not some uptight
jerk like my mother.
He's not gonna get all worried
that I'm gonna embarrass him
or make him feel like a
fool, 'cause he's cool.
He's in a band.
He knows Axl Rose, okay?
- I apologize.
- And I really appreciate
you taking me in for the
night and all, but that's it.
I mean, you're really nice,
but it's kinda weird here.
I'm a little weirded out.
And I gotta be honest,
you and your friends,
I mean, there's a huge
weirdness factor here, you know?
- You think I'm...
You think my friends...
You think we're weird?
- Well, you know,
pig lady,
kinda creepy, you know?
- She's a lonely old lady, Mary,
and all she has in life are
some aging pigs, and me.
- I'm sorry, I'm just-
- No.
I apologize.
I'll take you down to
the bus station tomorrow.
- It's okay, I can hitch.
Can't afford a bus ticket.
- Sure you can.
The last thing Horace
did was hit the jackpot.
He would want you to have it.
It's uh, almost $200
in very cold quarters.
- I can't take this.
- Sure you can.
He told you he'd get you to L.A.,
and I never knew him to break his word.
- Listen, I really appreciate
you letting me stay here
these last couple of days.
- I've had the happiest
time getting to know you.
- And I didn't mean what I said,
about you and your friends being weird.
- Maybe we're not weird, but,
colorful.
- (laughs) Colorful.
I will never forget you. (laughs)
(soft music)
- Yeah?
(rock music)
- Dad?
- Oh!
My god.
Mary.
You look so much older
than in your last picture,
and uh, so much more preggers.
- Mom didn't tell you?
- No, no.
Dude, dude, dude, you're preggers.
- Dude.
Can I like, come in?
- Oh yeah, sure, kid.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to make you stand outside.
Yeah, you know (speaks
Spanish), come on in.
Dude.
I'm a grandfather.
Man, I mean, this can't
get into Rolling Stone.
- Dad, don't worry.
You guys aren't that famous anymore.
- Ouch.
Slings and arrows, ooh.
- Please tell me you just
got back from somewhere.
- Oh, no, dude, I'm just
getting ready to go.
We got a three-month tour.
We got New Zealand, Australia,
some weird gig in Singapore,
and we end up playing for
some sheik in Abu Dhabi
who's like a total freak
for "Apocalypse Momma".
I mean, like, I thought
you were the limo driver.
- Abu Dhabi, cool.
- So, uh...
So like, what are you doing here, Mersy?
- What am I doing here?
I'm pregnant.
- So?
You should be, like, with your mom, right?
And Phil.
- They wanted me to have an abortion.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh?
Well, I wasn't gonna get one,
so I wanted to come here
'cause I thought you would understand.
And, I mean.
- Mersy, you didn't even call
and tell me you were coming.
- I'm your daughter.
- I know that, and that's why I had
this who summer mapped out,
you know, with moms for the school year
and me for the summer.
I'm down with that.
But I mean, dude, you just show up-
- Stop saying dude.
You're an adult.
You're almost 50.
You're my father.
(intercom buzzing)
- Yeah?
- [Driver] Mr. Prentis, I'm your driver.
- Yeah, I'll be right
with you. Just chill.
- Mersy, I don't know what you want me-
- Don't call me Mersy.
I'm not a little girl.
I'm about to be a mother.
- I don't know what you
want me to say, Mary.
I've got to leave on tour.
That's where the child support payments
come from, me, touring.
That's where the money for
your private school comes from.
That's where all of it comes from.
- I'm talking about supporting me,
not support with payments, not
tuition for a fancy school-
- Look, man, Mersy...
Mary, I'm sorry.
You need a place to crash,
you're welcome to stay here.
The place is yours.
And you know what? I'm gonna
text you the name of a doctor
and I'll pay all the, you know,
the doctor bills and stuff.
But I've gotta be on this tour.
I mean, (chuckles) look at me,
I'm an over the hill rocker
who's had one gig in life.
I blow this and I got nothing.
I mean, you didn't even call
to tell me you were coming, man.
- This is when I need you the most, Dad.
- Hey, you know what?
You want it that way,
you wanna try and lay a guilt trip on me,
it's not happening.
If this is where you needed me the most,
you should've picked up
the phone and called me
and let me know what was going on.
- Yeah?
And what would you have said?
- Hey, well, I don't know, okay?
Like we'll never know
'cause it never happened.
- Sure we do.
You would've said, "I gotta go on tour."
(sighs heavily)
- Here's the key.
The place is yours.
Mary, I love you.
It's all I've got, kid.
It's all I've got.
(soft music)
(phone ringing)
- [Meg] Hello, this is Meg.
If you'd like to leave a
message for me, press one.
If you're calling for Phil, press two.
Mary's away at school,
unless you're calling at the holidays,
in which case press three,
and one of us will get back
to you as soon as we can.
- Hi, Mom, it's me.
I'm okay.
I'm at Dad's.
You were right about him.
I should've listened.
Maybe it's time for me to come home.
I don't know.
I
Don't have anywhere else to go.
(laughing)
- Oh.
Oh. (crying)
- Can I stay here?
I mean, you said I could.
- Of course you can stay here.
Of course you can stay here.
And tomorrow we'll take
you to the obstetrician
and we'll buy you some maternity clothes,
we'll get a crib.
Well, a very small crib.
I don't know, we'll figure out something.
But (laughs) but yes, of course.
Of course you can stay
here, it'll be perfect.
(singing in foreign language)
(banging)
You're invited to dinner.
- When?
- Now.
Mary's back.
- Geez.
Merry Christmas.
- No, not one word out of you.
You're gonna come to dinner
and you're gonna be nice.
And do you know why?
- Why?
- Because you're going to
be a great grandmother,
and nobody likes a great grandmother
who is a sourpuss.
- What are you talking about?
- Mary is moving in with me.
She's going to have the baby here.
Remember what I said to you
about people who are
alone who choose a family?
Well, this family just
got a little bit bigger,
and you can choose to be in it, or not.
- I don't like to be bossed around.
- Tough!
You know how to knit?
I need booties, and a bonnet.
- Little booties?
Little piggy booties?
- What a wonderful idea.
I never thought of that.
- Has she told her parents?
- Uh, yeah, I think that's
how this whole thing started.
- That she's staying with you
and she's gonna have the baby here?
- No.
No, you're right.
Uh, they would be worried
to death about her.
I'll make sure she calls them right away.
(answering machine beeping)
- [Darnella] Leave a
message, don't just hang up.
- [Mary] Okay.
Hi, Mom, it's me.
I'm okay, I'm with
people who care about me.
I'm seeing a doctor.
I'm going to have a baby with
people that care about me,
in safe surroundings.
Uh, I'll call you after the baby's born.
Okay, bye.
(answering machine beeps)
- First she runs off to her
father's, god knows why,
then in the form of a message
she said she was coming home.
Why did she change her mind?
Do you think she's been drugged?
- Well, you can definitely hear someone.
Someone who's more mature
telling her to leave a
message at the beginning.
- Do you think she's been kidnapped?
- Well, have you gotten
any ransom demands?
- No.
- Not yet.
Maybe they're waiting
for the baby to be born.
Maybe that way, they think
they can charge more.
Our daughter, our grandchild.
God only knows how much they'll demand.
- Especially if they
find out we have money.
- Oh darling, all they have
to do is look at her teeth
and they'll know we have money.
- Do you really think
she's been kidnapped?
- Well, (sighs) it's
certainly a possibility.
But you've got the number
tracked in the caller ID
and I got some connects down
at the police department
so we can track it.
Now, if she used a cell phone
it'll be a little bit more difficult,
but it ain't impossible.
- The reason we hired you
and your associates, Tony,
is that we don't want to
go to the police with this.
We certainly don't want the publicity.
- No one knows she's pregnant.
We've told the school
she's taking a break,
studying art in Florence.
Something like this
could ruin a young girl,
her reputation, her standing.
And it'd be awful for us.
- Darling, if she hasn't been kidnapped,
she's just run away, then.
- Well, then we know she's safe,
and we know she's pregnant.
She can't go traipsing around.
So I can reason with her, discreetly.
- Ah, I think that's
the key word here, Tony.
Discretion, yes?
- Hey, our agency is nothing
if not discreet, all right?
And look, I'ma do my thing.
If you get any more messages,
call me immediately.
Don't trip.
Oh, I'ma get your daughter
back, and your grandchild.
- Grandchild.
Big concept.
- Yes.
(bright music)
♪ Joy and Babs had a baby last spring ♪
♪ Prepared for the joy ♪
♪ That a baby could bring ♪
♪ And there's no finer feeling ♪
♪ Than moppin' up their spills ♪
♪ Up there in paradise on Polish Hill ♪
- Voila!
- Oh, it's great.
- It'll just be for the beginning
until we move to a bigger place,
where we'll have a proper crib.
I just didn't think that having a baby
and moving at the same
time was a good idea.
- But what happened to
all of your pictures
and your lingerie, and stuff?
- That was the past.
This is the future.
Besides, I left Grandma Betty's mirror
and the picture of Frank in the T-bird.
- Lamaze is a breathing technique
that helps a woman focus on her body
rather than on the pain of
contractions during childbirth.
Yes?
- What if I want drugs?
- Oh, I want drugs.
- No.
- Well, that's what this class is,
to help you do without,
so that you can have a natural childbirth.
- Right, but what if I want natural drugs?
(laughing)
- Well, we'll discuss several
alternatives in a while,
but these techniques really,
really are very effective.
- Until you need the drugs, right?
- We're gonna get to the drug part, okay?
(laughing)
- Thank you.
- But first, I want you to establish
what we call your breathing baseline.
(Mary gasps)
- Oh, I felt him kick.
It is so sweet.
(soft music)
You're a good coach.
- Thank you very much.
I take my job very seriously.
- Yes, he does.
He's been so amazing about everything.
- Wow.
Look at this.
- Mine.
- Whoa!
Your mom's got a cool car.
- Thanks.
My name is Joe, and this is Barbara.
- Mary.
- Darnella Dare.
- It's lovely to meet you guys.
Would you wanna
come over for a cup of
coffee, or something?
We live just right by here.
We're sorta new in town,
and I just don't know anyone else
who's having a baby except
for the people in this class.
- Well, I have to be at work at eight.
- No, yeah, it'll be cool.
I mean, we're kinda new to this, too,
and we're just getting
all the baby stuff together, you know?
- [Barbara] Yeah, okay.
Great.
Why don't you guys follow us?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right.
♪ The cobblestone sidewalk ♪
♪ Cracks under your feet ♪
♪ There's a small pot of flowers ♪
♪ That blooms on the sill ♪
♪ Up there in paradise on Polish Hill. ♪
- And this is it.
It's not completely organized yet.
- It looks pretty organized to me.
- This is my favorite.
Gonna rock the baby here.
- That is so cool!
- Oh, and I got this yesterday.
Look, it's a portable playpen.
I can take it with me anywhere.
- All blue.
I guess you can tell we're having a boy.
- Do you know what you're having?
- A baby.
That's about it.
- We didn't wanna ruin the surprise.
- Oh, we saw this crib!
- [Barbara] Oh, isn't it great?
- I want this so much.
But we just don't have the room.
- Not yet, but we will have,
possibly in a few months, you know?
Maybe, yeah.
- You guys are all hooked up.
I mean, you like, thought of everything.
- Well, we've been trying to
get pregnant for eight years,
so I guess we had the
time to think about it.
(slow music)
- I just don't know if I'm
gonna be any good at it.
I don't know if you're
gonna be any good at it.
I just.
- Oh.
Oh, you're gonna be a wonderful mother,
I know you are.
And you know, uh, after the
baby is a little bit older,
and whenever you think about it,
um, you should go back to school.
And I'll look after the baby,
and Annie will help, and...
We're the village.
Or, the trailer park.
But um, we're like a village.
Oh.
What?
What?
- I just remember when I was a little kid
and I would get to come
home from boarding school
for the holidays, and
there would be a tree.
It was the only time I
felt like I had a family.
And everyone was really happy.
It's just different now.
It's really different.
I'm sorry.
You're like, the nicest
person I've ever met,
and I'm being really ungrateful.
- You're right.
- I know.
I'm being a baby.
- No, no.
You're not.
I meant, you're right about Christmas.
You are.
And I never realized it until just now.
(sighs) I am so tired of having
frozen turkey TV dinners for the holidays.
It sucks.
- No, that frozen thing
we had on Thanksgiving,
the first night, it was nice.
- Sucks!
Sucks big time.
Sucks eggs!
We are gonna have a real Christmas.
A real, real Christmas.
(singing in foreign language)
- Yes?
- Hi.
- Okay, hi.
What's wrong?
What's broke?
What's your complaint?
- I don't have any complaints.
Everything's just wonderful.
- Then what are you doing here
if everything's so hunky-dory?
- I was just thinking-
- Don't strain yourself.
- I was thinking...
What is that wonderful smell?
I mean, something smells delicious.
- Of course something smells delicious.
I've been cooking, and I'm a good cook,
and that's the way my
food is supposed to smell.
- But I mean that smells phenomenal.
- That's my lots of meat lasagna.
You can have a taste, if you like.
- I don't wanna put you out.
- You're not putting me out.
I said you could have a taste.
- Oh my gosh.
- Good, huh?
- Oh my gosh, that's the-
- The best.
- The best lasagna I have
ever had in my whole life.
- You think that's good,
wait till you taste this.
Fired asparagus with creole mustard sauce.
It doesn't go with lasagna,
but I said what the heck.
Open, taste.
- Mm.
Mm.
Oh my gosh.
- You've got to come up with
another list of expletives.
It's getting boring.
But it is nice to have somebody
that appreciates good food.
- We're gonna have a party.
- Oh, no, no, no, no parties
allowed in this trailer park.
- We're gonna have the
best Christmas party ever.
Lillian's gonna close the
restaurant at the casino
on Christmas Eve, that's
where we've gonna have it,
and everybody's gonna make something.
But there's gonna be a room full of people
who are going to appreciate the best food
they have ever had in their life
because no matter what they eat,
it's gonna pale in comparison
to what you can do.
- I am not going to bust my hump
making Christmas dinner
for a bunch of strangers.
- They're not strangers, they're friends.
- I haven't got any...
I haven't got time to do a lot of cooking
for some freeloaders.
- Well, you're right.
Lasagna doesn't go with Christmas,
and if that's all you know
how to make, that and-
- If that's all I know how to make?
If that's all I know how to make?
You're just saying that
because you have never had
my slow-cooked black-eyed peas
with ham bites,
and my corn fried in butter,
and my cornbread that tastes like cake.
Oh my goodness, what am I talking about?
Nuh-uh, it's too much trouble.
- We can help.
- Who is we?
- My girlfriends, me.
It'd be fun.
Mrs. Dorkus, when was the
last time that you had fun?
- I have fun when I cook.
- Well, I'm not saying that you'd want to,
but if you would want to
cook some food for the party,
what would you cook that would be fun?
- Well, I could make a
hickory smoked turkey
with chestnuts and cranberry stuffing.
Some ham bites, and some
candied yams and pineapples
covered all over with marshmallows.
- Oh.
- (chuckles) Honey, I'm
gonna knock their socks off.
This is gonna be fun.
- I'm coming.
Wait a second. (laughs)
Darnella.
The girls told me I'd
find you here. (sighs)
- Hi, Lillian.
- Hi, darling.
- (sighs) You know, I didn't
know Horace that well,
but I like to come and visit him.
Isn't life strange and
wonderful at the same time?
Because of Horace, I'm about
to have a whole new family.
- You know, Darnella, you're
a real mensch, you know that?
- Well, you're the
mensch for giving us the-
- Nah.
- The casino.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Business is so lousy,
the restaurant might as well be closed.
And I'm not saying just Christmas Eve.
- What do you mean?
- Well, listen.
This is between you, me, and
the lamppost, you understand?
- The lamppost?
- It's an expression.
Just ignore the lamppost part.
Okay, listen.
I'm giving you a heads up.
- What?
- We're in trouble.
I mean, the casino, you know the economy.
And uh, I mean, everybody gets
a bailout but the Kaiyutes,
and I'm the last of the Kaiyutes.
- Lillian, what are you talking about?
- (stammering) We're
gonna go out of business.
- Oh my god.
Are you sure?
- If we don't turn around
this business in three months,
the doors to the Kaiyute
Casino will be closed forever.
And Northern New Mexico can say goodbye
to fine dining and glamor.
- Jerry Zee.
- What about him?
- He's your agent, right?
- Well, he used to be.
He hasn't gotten me a gig in years.
- Well, who else has he
got? He's still your agent.
- It's his problem, chica.
Let him think of something.
- What else is an agent for?
(buzzing)
(phone ringing)
- Ah.
Jerry Zee.
Who?
Darnella, sweetheart!
How are ya, baby?
How's the gig with the Indians?
Oh, I love it.
Me?
Same old same old.
What can I tell ya? Vegas.
Uh, sure I got time.
What can I do for you, bubby?
What?
You're having a baby?
This is fantastic!
I didn't think you knew
about the birds and the bees. (laughs)
Seriously, this is not only fantastic,
this is miraculous.
If you're having a baby, sweetheart,
I can get Ripley's Believe It Or Not.
I can get Unsolved Mysteries.
They're off the air?
What do I know?
I still use a coat hanger
for my rabbit ears.
Robert Stag died?
Oh!
I always thought he looked a little stiff,
but I never would've given him a dead.
No, no.
Um, but seriously, we can
make a career out of this.
Oh, it's not you, it's a kid having a kid.
Oh, too bad, I wanted
to see video. (laughs)
There goes my fantasy.
Okay, but seriously, uh,
there's not much I can do with that,
it happens all the time, nothing special.
I'm not understanding.
You're going back to college?
The kid is gonna go back to college?
The baby is gonna go to college?
I'm sorry, I don't get
it, there's no act there.
Oh, okay.
Uh, I get it.
Yes, I see, I see, I see.
No, yeah.
I see, I get it.
You need money to eventually
send the baby to college.
(buzzing)
Let me think, concept.
I think I got it.
No, not that.
A fly that's been driving me nuts here.
Where was I?
Are you still friendly with those cuties?
What's her name?
Burgundy?
Uh, Bud Lite?
Shar D'Anay, exactly.
All right, what we do
is a showgirls Christmas gift calendar.
Wait a second, hear me out.
You, the girls.
No, listen.
Cheeky Blaine and his
whole blazing Elvis getup.
We sell it to all your fans at the casino.
No, because why?
The English ladies, they made a calendar,
they made up, thousands,
millions, am I right?
A Christmas gift showgirls calendar.
Boom, the perfect gift for daddy.
Bingo, huh?
It's a winner.
I will tell you what.
I will drive up tomorrow
and personally produce the photo shoot.
Yeah.
Uh, Cher and Elton are just gonna have
to handle their own affairs for two days.
I'll tell ya, sweetheart,
day and night, they never let up with me.
It's Cher this and Elton who?
I love to say, Cher?
Cher who? (laughs)
Seriously, enough already.
Ciao, baby, put on your
warpaint, I'm on my way.
Darnella.
Darnella. (laughs)
Go ahead, live a little
longer, I'm in a good mood.
(buzzing)
All right, Darnella, you're
a livin' Christmas tree.
Smile!
Get that, sweetheart.
Oh yes, you're the biggest surprise
Santa can bring down the chimney.
It's a family holiday,
but something for Dad,
do you know what I mean?
- Showgirl Christmas calendar?
- Yes, please.
- There you go.
Thank you.
- (laughs) You flirt!
You devil.
You're gonna have all the
girls' hearts fluttering.
Okay, go hunt some Easter eggs. (laughs)
- Here, get your Showgirl
Christmas calendar.
- Where are the Christmas pigs?
I don't get it.
- The Showgirls Christmas Gift Calendar.
Hmm.
- Meg, darling, be reasonable, would you?
It's Christmas Eve,
it's the second busiest
travel day of the year.
- So what, Phil?
You hired a private detective.
He found this picture on the internet.
Now we know where she is.
No, Consuelo.
Consuela?
It's my daughter, Phil.
It's my daughter.
- Darling, I know it's your daughter.
- Well, you'd feel differently
if it was your daughter.
- I'd feel exactly the same, Megan.
Look, we're trying to get
tickets at the last minute
on Christmas Eve to the nearest airport
to Kaiyute, New Mexico,
which happens to be in
Mulechute, Oklahoma.
It's not exactly easy.
- No, no, mucho darker.
I'm sorry, you were saying?
- I was saying, it's
not as if the airlines
have staged a bidding war
to see who puts their hub
in Mulechute, Oklahoma.
I mean, it's not as if
Mary's life is in any danger.
- And how do you know that?
- Because it isn't.
- She's been kidnapped by showgirls.
- [Phil] Darling, she
hasn't been kidnapped.
She's smiling in the picture.
- Oh, but Phil, they
always make them smile
when they kidnap them, just like Al-Qaeda.
- They started a college
fund for her, Megan.
- And that is the most
demeaning thing of all.
Can you imagine what
our friends would say?
That we pimped our daughter out
to a cult of showgirls,
and can't even pay for our
own grandchild's education?
Next thing you know they'll be
saying we're on food stamps.
- Megan, if we go we won't even be able
to bring her back on a plane.
She's nine months pregnant.
No airline would allow it.
- At least we can get her
out of the clutches of those gypsies.
It's bad enough that my daughter
is being held by a band of bimbos,
but this is now on the internet.
- Darling, really, I think
you're making too much of this.
- Do you understand what this means?
- [Phil] Megan-
- Everybody in the world
is going to be seeing it.
The next thing you know,
it's gonna be you and me.
It's, it's terrible, it's awful,
I can't believe it.
- Megan, come to your senses.
- Make the reservations, Phil,
or I'll charter a jet!
- [Man On Radio] Trans Prairie Airways,
you are clear to land.
Did you encounter any
turbulence on the way down?
- Oh yeah.
Scared the heck out of
a couple of New Yorkers.
♪ Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
♪ Where the prairie dogs are purdy ♪
♪ Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
♪ Where the women are so sturdy ♪
♪ Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
♪ Better watch out where you step ♪
♪ Our Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
♪ It's a homa you get ♪
♪ M-U-L-E-C-H-U ♪
♪ T ♪
♪ Oklahoma, that is ♪
- Thank God we're safe! (kissing)
Thank God we're safe!
- [Phil] Oh darling, it's
all right, it's all right.
- Oh, god!
- Come, come.
Thank God we're safe.
- Where is baggage claim?
- Domestic?
- No, international.
We flew in this dump of an
airplane from Dusseldorf!
- No need to get surly.
- Trans Prairie Airways.
- That would be terminal A.
And by the way, that static
electricity in your air
will probably relax in a couple of hours.
(upbeat bluegrass music)
(banging)
(Megan groans)
- Oh, god.
(indistinct)
- Please check your baggage tags
against your suitcases,
as many bags look alike.
(bell dinging)
Yes?
- Yes?
- Can I help you?
- Yes.
We reserved a car.
Cutbarth.
Phil Cutbarth.
- Cut?
- Cut-barth!
Cutbarth!
- I'll see if I can find your reservation.
- Find our reservation?
We are the only people here!
- I feel like we've landed in Jonestown.
- That's Cutberth?
- Cutbarth!
Cutbarth!
- Is that with an I or with an E?
- Oh, nobody can understand his accent!
C-U-T-B-A-R-T-H!
- Charlie University Thomas Bravo Alpha
Romeo Thomas Hotel, correct?
- Yokel Excrement Simpleton!
Yes!
- That would be space J-4.
It's the Christmas special.
♪ Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
♪ Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
- Merry Christmas.
♪ Our Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
♪ It's a homa you get ♪
(groaning)
(exhaust backfiring)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the food!
(cheering)
(slow music)
♪ O holy night ♪
♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪
♪ It is the night ♪
♪ Of our dear savior's birth ♪
(engine rumbling)
(exhaust backfiring)
♪ The soul felt its worth ♪
♪ A thrill of hope ♪
♪ The weary world rejoices ♪
♪ For yonder breaks ♪
♪ A new and glorious morn' ♪
♪ Fall ♪
♪ On your knees ♪
♪ Oh hear ♪
♪ The angels' voices ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Divine ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ When Christ was born ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Night ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Divine ♪
(applauding)
(crowd chattering)
(door slams)
- Get your hands off my
daughter, you crazy bimbos,
or I'll call the police!
- Mom, Phil, what are you guys doing here?
- What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?
- Nice do.
- I want you to know she's a minor.
I could press charges against all of you!
You crazy hormonal bimbos!
Get your hands off my daughter!
- Anybody with hair like that
shouldn't call anybody a bimbo.
- I don't have to talk
to the likes of you.
Mary, come with us!
- No, I'm not, Mom.
- Yes you are.
(gun firing)
(crowd screaming)
- Got two barrels.
The next one's for you, toots.
- Don't just stand there, do something.
- Yeah, Phil, feelin' lucky?
- Madam, I think you
should know, I am a lawyer.
- All the more reason
to shoot, if you ask me.
- No, Annie.
No, Mom, I wasn't kidnapped.
I told you I was with
people that care about me,
people that love me.
- We love you, Mary.
(crowd exclaiming)
We do love you, we just express it
in a more dignified fashion.
(crowd exclaiming)
- Mary, we want you to come back with us.
- No, I'm staying here.
I'm having the baby here.
I'm keeping the baby, and
I'm raising the baby here.
- In an Indian casino?
You can't be serious.
You're just doing this to humiliate us.
- Mom, this has nothing to do with you.
This has to do with me and my...
Oh.
- Sweetheart, is something wrong?
- The baby.
- Yes, it's about you and the baby.
You're absolutely right.
- No, the baby.
- The baby?
- The baby?
- The baby, my water just broke!
(crowd gasping)
- God.
I'm gonna faint.
- No, you're not!
You put on your big girl panties.
You're about to become a grandma!
(Megan gasps)
- All right, don't anyone panic.
I'm an agent, I can handle this.
Actually, I can't.
- We've got everything under control.
Annie, you call the OB-GYN.
Tell him we're on the way to the hospital.
I've got everything packed, we're ready.
Let's go.
(singing in foreign language)
(exciting music)
(groaning)
- Oh, god.
The contractions are starting.
- It's okay, it's okay.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Come on, you can do it.
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.
Come on, sweetheart, you can do it.
- [Mary And Darnella] Ho-ho.
- Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
(sirens blaring)
Oh, the cops.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Hee-hee-hee.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Hee-hee-hee-hee.
- You got the whole Christmas
party with you, huh?
- Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- Ho-ho-ho, but it's not funny.
You were doing 80 miles an hour
in a 45 mile an hour zone.
- Well, you don't understand, officer,
she's in labor, she's gonna have a baby.
The water broke, and we're
on the way to the hospital.
- Well, then you're lucky I stopped you.
The bridge is collapsed up ahead.
You can't get through to the hospital.
- What are you talking about?
- Just what I said.
Hey!
You're the girl from the calendar.
I love that calendar!
We have that up in the sheriff's office.
- Oh, you are so sweet!
- Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- I'm so happy you like it.
We had the nicest time.
- Ho-ho-ho.
- Oh, right.
Well, how can we get across?
- Well, unless you wanna swim across,
the nearest other hospital is Farmington.
- But it's 45 miles away.
- Well, it's either there or right here.
Come on, follow me.
I'll get you there in no time.
- Ho-ho-ho-ho.
- Ho.
- Ho-hee-hee-hee.
(sirens blaring)
(exciting music)
(Mary groaning)
Hang in there.
- I'm hanging in, but this baby wants out!
(groaning)
It's coming now!
- Oh dear.
Oh dear.
No, no!
- Oh!
(groaning)
♪ O holy night ♪
(horn honking)
♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪
♪ It is the night ♪
♪ Of our dear savior's birth ♪
♪ Long lay the world ♪
♪ In sin and error, pining ♪
- Somebody get those
Two bales of hay together.
Quickly.
Okay.
And grab a blanket from one of these.
♪ A thrill of hope ♪
- Somebody get the blanket.
Hurry.
- Okay.
♪ The weary world rejoices ♪
♪ For yonder breaks ♪
(Mary whimpering)
- Spread it out.
♪ A new and glorious morn' ♪
- [Mrs. Dorkus] You've
got to push now, baby.
You've got to push hard.
(Mary groaning)
- You can do this.
You can do this.
- You need more light?
(Mary screams)
- Okay.
I can see the head.
- Ho-ho-ho.
Hee-hee-hee.
- I can see
the baby's head, now push!
Push!
- Push, push!
Yeah.
Come on!
- Push!
- Push!
(Mary groaning)
- There it is!
- Push, baby, push!
(Mary screaming)
Oh, yes!
- There it is!
There it is.
It's, it's a girl.
(baby crying)
- It's a girl?
- It's a girl.
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Oh night divine ♪
♪ A thrill of hope ♪
♪ The weary world rejoices ♪
♪ For yonder breaks ♪
- What on earth is that screaming?
♪ A new and glorious morn' ♪
- Is someone hurt?
♪ Fall ♪
♪ On your knees ♪
♪ Oh hear the angel voices ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Divine ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
- Oh my goodness.
♪ When Christ was born ♪
- Oh my goodness.
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Night ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Divine ♪
- Well, you did just fine.
Your baby's perfectly healthy.
- Yes, you did fine.
My sweet angel.
I just...
I wanna thank you for being
so wonderful to my daughter.
- All right.
Give your baby one more hug.
Then I wanna place her on an incubator.
- Huh?
- It's just a precaution, it's normal.
- Wow.
- Big time wow.
(baby cooing)
- Okay.
Let me have her.
We'll have her back to you in a few hours.
Wave bye.
Now, Mary.
The hospital's filled to capacity tonight,
so I'm gonna ask you if
you could share a room
with another young woman
who went into labor this evening.
- Why does she have to share a room?
- That's fine, I don't mind.
- Well, it's not really your
daughter I'm concerned about.
This young woman's baby was stillborn.
Now, normally we'd put
her in a private room,
but we won't be able to move
her until tomorrow morning.
So, I'm gonna ask you,
please nurse your baby in
the hallway out of deference.
- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
- Well, maybe they'll be
able to have more children.
- No.
They won't.
Unfortunately, she won't be
able to have any more children.
- Monkey pillow. (chuckles)
You okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
- I love you, too.
- Oh my gosh.
- We just heard.
We are so sorry for your loss.
- It's just, you know,
we waited so long, and,
he never even took a breath. (sobbing)
How's your baby?
- She's fine.
- I'm glad.
I'm really glad.
I'm really happy for you, it's just.
I can't do it. (sobbing)
- Excuse us.
- Of course.
(slow music)
(muffled speaking over intercom)
- Oh.
(laughs)
- I thought I would find you
when I didn't see you in your room.
Are you sure you're supposed
to be walking around?
- Yeah, 16.
Resilient.
This is so amazing.
- It is that.
Just amazing.
- I mean, about how everything
turned out, you know?
My mother here, with Phil.
They're being really nice.
I mean, you talk about miracles.
And the way you took me in.
And everything.
I don't think I've ever had so many people
who were like family.
It's what I wanted most in life.
A big family, everyone's
laughing, holidays.
It couldn't have turned out
better if it was planned.
- Maybe it was.
- What do you mean?
- Well, just that.
I think there is a plan,
even though sometimes we don't see it,
even though we're too close to it
to make it out clearly.
I still think there's a plan.
- Wasn't much of a plan
for Barbara and Joe.
- I don't know.
- What are you talking about?
They waited all that time for a baby.
They're like the perfect couple,
they have everything ready.
And they'll go home to an empty house.
Here I am.
I've never even thought
about having a kid.
Not much of a plan, if you ask me.
- Let's sit down.
Remember when I told you
that when I was just a
little bit older than you,
almost 18, that I had a baby of my own?
A little girl.
A perfect, beautiful, magical little girl.
- What happened?
Did she, uh, did she
get sick or something?
- No, thank goodness.
But I realized that I was 17,
single, and a showgirl.
Truth was that I was...
I had a baby, but I wasn't
ready to be a mother.
Not the kind of mother that she deserved.
And then I remembered
what my grandma said.
- What?
- She said that when you love someone,
you love them with an open hand,
not clutching, not like a fist, but open,
because the greatest act
of love that anyone can do
is to let go.
I always wondered how
my daughter turned out.
She went to a good home,
to a loving couple who weren't able
to have children of their own.
But they were far more ready
than I was to be a parent.
I know how I would've liked
her to turn out, Mary.
I would've liked her to be
exactly like you.
- I wanna give the baby up for adoption.
I wanna give her up to the
couple whose baby was stillborn.
They're wonderful people,
who'll make wonderful parents.
It's not my choice alone,
'cause she's your grandchild
and you have to deal with this, too.
My baby deserves someone
that's not just ready to be a parent,
but knows how to be a parent,
knows how to be a mother.
And I'm not
'cause I never learned it from you, Mom.
- Mary-
- Please let me finish.
I never learned from you
what a mother was supposed to be like.
And I want that.
I want that very much.
So, when I do have kids
I can take care of them.
I'll know what a mother looks like,
and what she feels like,
and you're the only person in the world
that can give that to me.
And I'm the only person in the world
that can show you what it feels like
when a daughter loves you.
I wanna go home.
But not to some boarding school.
And I wanna be your loving
daughter, and I'm not.
And I want you to be more than
someone who gave birth to me.
And right now, you're not.
And that's awful.
And I don't want it to
be like that anymore.
- Mary, maybe you should run
away from home more often.
It's good for you.
(sobbing)
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh, ahh ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
- See you in New York.
(kissing)
(chuckling)
Bye, Meg.
Bye, Phil.
- Bye, Darnella.
- I'll never forget you.
- I know.
- And I'll call you all the time.
- I'll get a better phone.
- I love you.
- I love you, too, sweet Mary.
Now, you better go
because your mom and Phil
are waiting in the car.
- I have two moms.
- Oh.
(crying)
I'm getting all verklempt.
Makeup's ruined, I look a mess.
You better go.
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
- Georgio, isn't this
the most beautiful day?
The most incredible, beautiful,
perfect, brisk, winter's day?
Walkies.
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Halle, halle, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Halle, halle, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
(slow music)
♪ Voices singing through the night ♪
♪ Of angels we have heard on high ♪
♪ And peace on earth ♪
♪ I wonder how it might be ♪
♪ If every child ♪
♪ Were made aware ♪
♪ Of every child were made to care ♪
♪ For his fellow man ♪
♪ Oh, what a world this might be ♪
♪ But I think we've
lost our point of view ♪
♪ And that compass North
don't run so true ♪
♪ But I think the stars ♪
♪ Could tell us what we oughta do ♪
♪ Tell me ♪
♪ Star light ♪
♪ Star bright ♪
♪ First start tonight ♪
♪ Was that you ♪
♪ On Christmas day ♪
♪ Star light ♪
♪ Star bright ♪
♪ First star tonight ♪
♪ Hmm, hmm ♪
- Kill the pigs, kill the pigs,
kill the pigs, kill the pigs!
Yeah, whoo!
Whoo, yeah!
Let's do it!
Get those pigs!
We're gonna kill 'em!
Yeah! (laughs)
Woo-hoo!
Yeah!
Hey, Annie, we're gonna kill your pigs.
You hear that?
- You stay away from my pigs!
(gun fires)
(upbeat music)
(gun fires)
(singing in foreign language)
- Annie!
Annie, stop shooting!
Are you out of your mind?
- You're late.
- I know, I know, I am sorry,
but you can't go around shooting
children with a shotgun.
- Oh, I load up with
bacon rind or rock salt.
Not gonna kill 'em,
it's the smart a little. (chuckles)
- They're children.
- Oh, they're hooligans!
Besides, there's nothing
to do in this town
except scare pigs and shoot children.
Whoop-de-doo.
Here, baby.
- You could've hit the T-bird.
- Georgio needs to walk.
- (sighs) I'll walk him.
- Go to Aunt Darnella.
Yeah, sweetie.
(chuckles)
Can you do it?
- Oh sweetheart.
(indistinct)
You're so beautiful, yes you are.
Oh, yes you are, sweetheart.
- The sweetest little thing.
Yeah.
(shushing)
- Very good.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- All right.
I'll walk him, you go inside.
- Yeah.
Freezing. (shivers)
- It's brisk.
It's a beautiful, brisk,
perfect Thanksgiving day.
- Whoop-de-doo.
(soft rock music)
♪ Skulking around ♪
♪ Scared of your reflection ♪
♪ 'cause it's staring you down ♪
♪ And on closer inspection ♪
♪ It seems that you've found ♪
♪ A strange predilection for frowns ♪
♪ Oh, you wear it like a crown ♪
♪ So you wallow in the muck and the mud ♪
♪ 'Cause you swallowed a bucket of blood ♪
♪ Swallowed a bucket of blood ♪
- Whoa, Nelly!
I didn't know you had
one in the oven, kiddo.
I would've put the step down for you.
Here, I'll go out and get the door.
- It's okay, I got it.
- No, no, no,
I'll get it.
- It's okay, I got it.
♪ Skulking around ♪
♪ Scared of your reflection ♪
♪ 'Cause it's staring you down ♪
♪ And on closer inspection ♪
♪ It seems that you've found ♪
♪ A strange predilection for frowns ♪
- What's your name?
- Mary.
- I'm Horace Weitzel.
Pleased to meet you, Mary.
Mind if I ask a personal question?
- I'm 16, I'm not married.
I ran away from home.
I'm just about eight months pregnant
and I'm going to see my
father in Los Angeles.
I'm having the baby there.
Does that pretty much cover it?
- No, not really.
- Well, that's about
all I've got, you know?
- I was gonna ask if you like polka music.
- Polka music?
- Yeah.
Frankie Yankovic, the Polka King.
Myron Floren.
You never heard of Myron Floren?
- No.
- Here.
- What's this?
- What do you mean, "What's this?"
That's an 8-track.
Arnie Alavancus and his Polka Princes.
Put that puppy right in there, kiddo.
You're about to hear the
happiest music on earth.
(upbeat polka music)
♪ I wish I could learn to yodel ♪
♪ I really don't know how ♪
♪ If I could learn to yodel ♪
♪ I'd yodel when I milk the cow ♪
♪ If I could learn ♪
- [Horace] I'm starving.
Are you hungry?
- [Mary] I'm pregnant.
I'm always hungry.
- Well, we're gonna stop
in at the Kaiyute Casino.
They got an all-you-can-eat buffet there
that will rival anything in Vegas,
especially on Thanksgiving.
I got a sweetheart there.
- You do?
- What do you mean, "You do?"
She's a showgirl.
These flowers are for her.
- You're going with a showgirl?
- Yeah, I'm going with a showgirl.
And not just any showgirl, either.
Darnella Dare.
She was in all those big reviews in Vegas.
Sinatra gave her a T-bird.
You heard of him, haven't you?
- Frank Sinatra?
- No, Marty Sinatra.
Of course Frank Sinatra,
the chairman of the board.
Francis Albert Sinatra
gave her a T-bird in Vegas
right after Ava Gardner dumped him.
- Who's Ava Gardner?
- Oh, kid.
You're breaking my heart.
♪ Yodelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Odel-Ay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Odel-Ay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ I'll yodel now for you ♪
- This is the same leisure suit
that Sean Connery wore in "Goldfinger".
- It looks good.
- All the ladies love it.
Come on, I wanna introduce you
to the owner of the establishment.
She's the last of the Kaiyute Indians.
- Lillian!
- Horace, darling!
(speaking Yiddish)
- I want you to meet my friend.
Mary, this is Lillian Littlefeather,
the last of the Kaiyutes.
- My husband, Marty Littlefeather,
was the last of the Kaiyutes,
may he rest in peace.
I'm just a Kaiyute by marriage.
But now I'm the last of
the Kaiyutes. (chuckles)
So, darling, when are you due?
- Uh, in about a month or so.
- Oh.
Well, as they say in
Kaiyute, (speaking Yiddish).
(speaking Yiddish)
- Would you see that Darnella gets these?
- Of course, Horace.
Lovely. (laughs)
Horace, you know where
the buffet table is,
so help yourself.
And get this beautiful
young girl some food.
She's eating for two, you know.
(breathing heavily)
(drum roll)
- Good evening, ladies and germs,
and welcome to the Kaiyute Casino Review.
I am your host, Cheeky Blaine,
and we have got special,
special guest for you.
We have got the king
of rock and roll, baby,
backed up by the musical
stylings of the Wise Men.
Not to mention, we've
got those gorgeous gals,
the Kaiyute Caiyuties.
Now, you all stand by now
and get ready for the show.
- All right.
Come on, move it girls.
Five minutes.
- You know that Horace
thinks he's your boyfriend.
- (laughs) He's harmless.
He just likes to have
someone to give flowers to.
- I wish someone would bring me flowers.
My boyfriend brings home a six-pack,
he thinks it's New Year's Eve.
(laughing)
(applauding)
- Thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much.
As you know, the holidays are here.
It's a time of happiness and cheer.
But while my friends are celebratin',
on my ears it will be gratin'
because the one I love isn't near.
♪ I'll have a blue ♪
♪ Christmas ♪
♪ Without you ♪
♪ I'll be so blue ♪
- [Women] Cooties!
Coyotes!
Kaiyute Caiyuties!
Go Caiyuties!
- [Lillian] Power up, girls.
(twinkling)
♪ Christmas tree ♪
♪ Won't be the same, dear ♪
♪ If you're not here with me ♪
♪ And when those blue ♪
♪ Snowflakes ♪
♪ Start fallin' ♪
♪ That's when those blue ♪
♪ Memories ♪
♪ Start callin' ♪
♪ You'll be doin' all right ♪
♪ With your Christmas of white ♪
♪ But I'll ♪
♪ Have a blue ♪
♪ Blue, blue, blue Christmas ♪
(bubbling)
- Oh.
More salt, Julio.
(applauding)
- And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the Kaiyute Casino is proud to present
the Kaiyute Caiyuties!
Miss Shar D'Anay!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
♪ Ooh ♪
- Miss Crystal Lite!
- Yeah!
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Wow, wow!
- Miss Darnella Dare!
- Darnella!
(whistling)
(kisses)
♪ Ooh ♪
- You're beautiful!
♪ White ♪
♪ Blue, blue, blue Christmas ♪
- Hey, isn't this the same leisure suit
that Sean Connery wore in "Goldfinger"?
- Hmm.
- I love this suit.
(playful music)
(siren blaring)
- Would you believe he won
the jackpot on the last pull?
Darling, he would want you to have this.
- Oh, he was such a sweet man.
- Yeah.
At least he went out doing what he loved,
eating and playing the slots.
He was so full, full of life.
- Well, you can't ask for
anything better than that.
- No!
(laughing)
Oh, darling, I'm so sorry
for your loss as well.
I know he was your friend, too.
- Actually, he just gave me a ride.
I was hitchhiking and-
- Hitchhiking, in your condition?
- Oh my god.
- Um, yeah.
I'm on my way to see my dad.
I'm gonna get my stuff out of his truck
and I'm gonna try to get another ride.
But I really am sorry about your friend.
He was a really nice guy, and uh,
he liked polka music.
- Yes, he did.
- He did.
He loved polka music.
- Yeah.
- It was nice meeting y'all.
- Oh, honey, wait a minute.
You can't expect to stand out here
in this freezing cold weather
eight months pregnant
expecting to find a ride on Thanksgiving.
- I just, I don't know what-
- You can stay with me.
You can spend the night,
and then tomorrow, uh,
tomorrow's another day.
- You're welcome to stay
with me, too, darling.
I mean, but I have to warn you,
my husband, Mr. Littlefeather,
used to say I snore like
a moose in heat. (laughs)
- Uh.
- She'll stay with me.
- Very wise.
Okay.
(slow music)
♪ Ahh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
- [Darnella] She's probably asleep by now,
but I've promised her that I'd come over.
- [Mary] Wow.
What is this place?
- Well, Annie calls it a pig farm.
But she never sells any of them.
They just die of old age
in a loving environment.
It's actually more of a pig hospice,
when you think about it.
(Annie snoring)
- I really am sorry
about your friend Horace,
the way he died.
- Oh, I don't believe in death.
I just think of it as
taking off our spacesuits.
- So, your Christmas lights are up early.
- Oh, I leave them up all year long.
The Christmas spirit is just so nice.
It's a shame to save it for Christmas.
So, now, you take the bed
and I'll sleep on the convertible sofa.
- No, I couldn't do that.
- Well, of course you
could, you're pregnant.
You need your sleep.
Your baby needs your sleep,
or his sleep, or her sleep, or-
- No, honestly, I couldn't.
I'll be fine on the couch.
- Oh, it's no trouble.
- It's okay, I've got my monkey pillow.
I'll be fine.
(crickets chirping)
- You okay over there?
- Monkey pillow and red satin sheets.
- (laughs) Can't beat that.
Do you know what you're gonna have?
- A bowling ball.
- (laughs) I meant a boy or a girl.
- Uh, whatever, you know.
- What do you mean, "Whatever"?
You're having a baby.
You're bringing new life into the world.
Aren't you excited?
- I'm a runaway.
I hitched a ride with a
polka-loving truck driver
who died of a heart attack.
It's not like I've got this
all planned out, you know?
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay.
You're being really nice.
It's just, uh...
It's just, uh. (laughs)
It's so screwed up.
Everything's so screwed up.
I'm so screwed up.
- You know, sometimes
things don't turn out
the way we planned.
But then sometimes the very same things
turn out to be blessings.
- The truth is, I'm only having it
because my parents don't want me to.
- Well, (sighs) sometimes when people
are under financial pressures
and they have other mouths to feed-
- Financial pressure?
They're rich.
I'm rich, we're rich.
They could afford to feet 20 more mouths.
I was an embarrassment.
I go to boarding school,
and everyone there would know.
All of the girls, all of their parents.
Everyone in their social circle.
So, they said "Come home
and have an abortion.
We'll say it was appendicitis."
And then I would go back and
everything would be fine.
Except the point is-
- What?
- It doesn't matter.
It's stupid.
I'm stupid, it doesn't matter.
- You're not stupid.
Don't say that.
What doesn't matter?
- I went away to boarding school
when I was eight years old,
and before that it was nannies and maids,
and they were traveling, or...
The point is, I didn't want everything
to be okay, all right?
I didn't want them to be able
to say it was appendicitis,
and everything would go
back to the way it was.
I didn't want everything to
be back to the way it was.
I hated the way it was.
I wanted them to have to deal with it,
to deal with me.
- And what did they say?
- They said that I was having
an abortion, that was that.
That they're not gonna be made fools of
because their daughter is a tramp.
So, I said "Fine, tell
your friends I'm dead."
And I ran.
Could I have a glass of water, please?
- Of course.
(water running)
How long have you been running?
- Oh, three months.
I call them, you know?
I buy on of those pay as you go phones,
and I ditch it so they can't trace it.
I stay with friends.
And now I'm going to my
dad's, because he's cool.
He gets it.
He gets me.
He'll get the kid, too.
I wanna move in, and I'll have
the kid and take care of it.
Him, her, it. (chuckles)
- The baby.
- The baby.
- Your baby.
- My baby.
- When I wasn't much older
than you, I got pregnant.
And at first all I thought about was,
what was going on with me?
But now you're the mom.
And your baby is going
to be depending on you
making the right decisions.
- Yeah, well I made the right decision.
I'm going to my dad's.
- Well, good.
Now you can make another right decision.
Go to sleep. (laughs)
Do you have a nighty, or some pajamas?
- I'll just sleep in my underwear.
- You'll do no such thing.
I'll give you one of my nightgowns.
(humming)
um, oops.
Maybe not that one.
Oh, I have just the thing!
Annie made them for me.
I've never worn them.
- [Mary] Piggy jammies?
- (laughs) They'll keep you snug as a bug.
- [Mary] Thanks.
- Goodnight, sweetheart.
Sleep tight.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
(soft music)
(cheerful music)
(laughs)
- So, this is what you do every day?
Walk the pig?
- Well, Annie isn't as
spry as she used to be,
and uh, Georgio needs his exercise.
And it's such a beautiful day.
- But you're really not walking it,
you're holding it.
- Well, Georgio hurt his little pig foot
and the vet said he should stay
off of it for about a month.
But he's a very social pig,
and he loves to be out and about.
Oh.
There's Ms. Dorkus.
She owns the trailer park.
(playful orchestral music)
Good morning, Ms. Dorkus.
- What's so good about it?
- Well, it's just a beautiful day, is all.
- The economy is in a dump,
you live in a dump, I own a dump.
So, what have you got
to be so cheery about
all the time, anyway?
- Well, I just think
that life is wonderful.
- It's crap.
- Oh, you know that's not true.
You're just saying that.
This is my friend, Mary.
- Pregnant runaway teenager.
- Got it.
- I rest my case.
- Well, you just have a
wonderful day, Mrs. Dorkus.
- Well, your rent is due, Ms. Cheerful.
(playful orchestral music)
- Oh dear, I almost forgot.
- What?
- Horace, he was Jewish,
and they have to be buried the next day.
And I don't even think we
have another Jew in this town.
So here, why don't you
finish walking Georgio,
and I'll go look for a
Jew in the Yellow Pages.
- Nice pig.
- Nice bike.
- You live around here?
- No, I'm going to L.A.
My dad lives there.
- Cool.
- He's in a rock band.
- Way cool.
Is he like, famous?
- Limping Lions.
He had a big single in the '80s.
"Apocalypse Momma"?
- Oh yeah, that was like...
No, I'm thinking of Guns N' Roses.
- No, but they did a gig with them once.
- They did?
- They were like fourth in the bill,
but they got to see them and everything.
- Information?
Yes, for Kaiyute, New Mexico.
I'd like the number for anything Jewish.
- How long have you lived here?
- (sighs) I don't know.
Since my mom lost her job.
Couple of months, maybe.
Why?
- This place?
I don't know, it's really odd.
- (laughs) No duh.
- I mean, I woke up this
morning and I had piggy feet.
I don't know.
It's like, bizarro showgirl
"Alice in Wonderland".
- Mary, let's go, I found a Jew!
- Speaking of "Alice in Wonderland",
we found a Jew.
Here, hold my pig.
(upbeat acoustic guitar music)
- I just found out that
Lillian Littlefeather
is really Jewish.
I never even thought that
because who would think that Littlefeather
is really a Jewish name?
But anyway, Horace wasn't very religious,
but um, I wanted to honor his religion
and have someone from
his faith say a prayer.
- Makes sense.
- Yeah.
Lillian knows 'em all.
Not all the Jews, but all the prayers.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Of course.
- Did you ever wanna be anything else?
I mean, anything other than a showgirl?
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
- A flamenco dancer.
I just have a feeling that
we're missing something
that Horace might want.
- I think I know what it might be.
(upbeat polka music)
♪ I wish I could learn to yodel ♪
♪ But I really don't know how ♪
♪ If I could learn to yodel ♪
♪ I'd yodel when I milk the cow ♪
♪ I wish I'd learned to yodel ♪
♪ I'd yodel when I'm blue
♪ ♪ I'd yodel for me ♪
♪ I'd yodel for them ♪
♪ And then I'd yodel for you ♪
♪ Yodel-Odelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Odelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Odelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Oo ♪
♪ Yodel-oo ♪
♪ Yodel-Odelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Odelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ Yodel-Odelay-Hee-Hee ♪
♪ And then I'd yodel for you ♪
- Darnella, you did a mitzvah today.
- Oh.
What's a mitzvah?
- A mitzvah is, uh, in Kaiyute,
it means a good deed.
What is with you with this
(speaking Yiddish) veil?
Goodbye, darling.
I've gotta get back to the club.
Give me a kiss.
- It's glamorous, darling.
- Nice to meet you.
- Sweetheart, I'll see you later.
Bye darling!
- Bye, Lillian.
- [Lillian] Whoo!
For the same money
they could've planted him a little closer.
Oi, I've got this hip replacement,
they don't understand I can't walk.
(indistinct)
- I should go back to the
trailer and get my stuff
and get back on the road,
but thank you for everything.
It was really nice meeting you.
- No.
- What do you mean?
- Well, I mean, it's getting dark already
and um, thank you for all the help
you gave me with the funeral.
I couldn't have, uh, pulled
it together without you.
Anyway, you could just spend the night,
and um, you know, tomorrow's another day.
- I don't wanna put you out again.
- I won't hear another word about it.
And you shouldn't be hitchhiking anyway.
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
- Truth is, I'm scared.
- About having the baby?
- About all of it.
Nothing's simple anymore.
- Marshmallows are.
- I think I'll take her shopping tomorrow.
- I thought you were leaving tomorrow.
Didn't she say she was leaving tomorrow?
- I know.
I know, but maybe I'll take her shopping.
I thought maybe I'll buy
her something tasteful.
She doesn't have any maternity outfits,
only those awful t-shirts.
Something pretty.
- You wanna go see a DVD?
- Sure.
- I got "Princess Bride",
"Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?"
- Okay.
Oh, this is good.
- I knew it. (laughs)
- Knew what?
- Well, you're doing it.
- Doing what?
What am I doing?
- What you always do. (laughs)
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Every time you meet a new man,
you start spinning fairytales.
He's Prince Charming, and he's
the one who understands you.
Or, or, you're reading
one of those Vegas magazines of yours,
they're opening a hotel
and they're gonna do the
old-style reviews again.
- They are!
It's just a matter of time.
Glamor is going to make a comeback.
- And you're playing the Kaiyute Casino.
That's it, toots, that's
the end of the line.
After this you'll be a
waitress in a greasy spoon
pouring coffee for rednecks.
- I am not gonna listen
to this negativity.
- I know you like a book.
She's gonna go back to high school,
and then she'll have the baby,
and then she'll stay because
she won't have any place to go,
and then you'll be like a grandma,
and we'll live happily ever after.
Fairytales.
- Maybe not.
You don't know.
- It's what you're thinking.
I know what you're thinking.
- What if I am?
Family isn't just a
question of, well, family.
Sometimes we choose our family,
sometimes we make our own families.
- And what happens to me?
Huh?
What happens to me?
- Oh, Annie.
Is that what this is all about?
I love you.
You're my family.
And nothing is gonna change that.
Still, it might be nice,
a little bit bigger family, hmm?
- You had a daughter.
You gave her up.
You can't get her back with some stray.
- I'm not gonna listen to this anymore.
- You think only a man can
break your heart, Darnella?
- Shopping?
- Yeah.
- For what?
- I don't know, something
young and pretty and tasteful.
You know, not just t-shirts.
- Thanks, but you've done
enough already for me.
- No, it's no bother.
It would be fun.
- Yeah, but I need go to
go L.A., to see my dad.
- Oh yeah, but you can go
to L.A. in something pretty.
- Darnella, you're being really nice,
but I think he'll probably
wanna buy me stuff.
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, I'm his daughter
and it's gonna be his grandkid, so.
Excuse me.
- No.
No, you're, you're right.
You're (sighs), you're absolutely right.
Yeah.
Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
- Does your father know you're coming?
- Well, what do you mean?
- I mean, have you talked to him?
Is he expecting you?
- Well sure, what are you talking about?
Of course he knows I'm coming.
- Why didn't he send
you an airplane ticket,
or a bus ticket?
I, I'm sorry, I had no right
to ask you that question.
No, it's none of my
business and I apologize.
- What do you think?
He doesn't wanna see me?
- No, no, I never said that.
- My father loves me, okay?
- Well, I, I'm sure he
does, it's just that-
- What?
- (sighs) Well, it's just that,
you know, you're welcome to stay here.
You know, it's no bother,
and if things don't work out-
- My father loves me,
and he's not some uptight
jerk like my mother.
He's not gonna get all worried
that I'm gonna embarrass him
or make him feel like a
fool, 'cause he's cool.
He's in a band.
He knows Axl Rose, okay?
- I apologize.
- And I really appreciate
you taking me in for the
night and all, but that's it.
I mean, you're really nice,
but it's kinda weird here.
I'm a little weirded out.
And I gotta be honest,
you and your friends,
I mean, there's a huge
weirdness factor here, you know?
- You think I'm...
You think my friends...
You think we're weird?
- Well, you know,
pig lady,
kinda creepy, you know?
- She's a lonely old lady, Mary,
and all she has in life are
some aging pigs, and me.
- I'm sorry, I'm just-
- No.
I apologize.
I'll take you down to
the bus station tomorrow.
- It's okay, I can hitch.
Can't afford a bus ticket.
- Sure you can.
The last thing Horace
did was hit the jackpot.
He would want you to have it.
It's uh, almost $200
in very cold quarters.
- I can't take this.
- Sure you can.
He told you he'd get you to L.A.,
and I never knew him to break his word.
- Listen, I really appreciate
you letting me stay here
these last couple of days.
- I've had the happiest
time getting to know you.
- And I didn't mean what I said,
about you and your friends being weird.
- Maybe we're not weird, but,
colorful.
- (laughs) Colorful.
I will never forget you. (laughs)
(soft music)
- Yeah?
(rock music)
- Dad?
- Oh!
My god.
Mary.
You look so much older
than in your last picture,
and uh, so much more preggers.
- Mom didn't tell you?
- No, no.
Dude, dude, dude, you're preggers.
- Dude.
Can I like, come in?
- Oh yeah, sure, kid.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to make you stand outside.
Yeah, you know (speaks
Spanish), come on in.
Dude.
I'm a grandfather.
Man, I mean, this can't
get into Rolling Stone.
- Dad, don't worry.
You guys aren't that famous anymore.
- Ouch.
Slings and arrows, ooh.
- Please tell me you just
got back from somewhere.
- Oh, no, dude, I'm just
getting ready to go.
We got a three-month tour.
We got New Zealand, Australia,
some weird gig in Singapore,
and we end up playing for
some sheik in Abu Dhabi
who's like a total freak
for "Apocalypse Momma".
I mean, like, I thought
you were the limo driver.
- Abu Dhabi, cool.
- So, uh...
So like, what are you doing here, Mersy?
- What am I doing here?
I'm pregnant.
- So?
You should be, like, with your mom, right?
And Phil.
- They wanted me to have an abortion.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh?
Well, I wasn't gonna get one,
so I wanted to come here
'cause I thought you would understand.
And, I mean.
- Mersy, you didn't even call
and tell me you were coming.
- I'm your daughter.
- I know that, and that's why I had
this who summer mapped out,
you know, with moms for the school year
and me for the summer.
I'm down with that.
But I mean, dude, you just show up-
- Stop saying dude.
You're an adult.
You're almost 50.
You're my father.
(intercom buzzing)
- Yeah?
- [Driver] Mr. Prentis, I'm your driver.
- Yeah, I'll be right
with you. Just chill.
- Mersy, I don't know what you want me-
- Don't call me Mersy.
I'm not a little girl.
I'm about to be a mother.
- I don't know what you
want me to say, Mary.
I've got to leave on tour.
That's where the child support payments
come from, me, touring.
That's where the money for
your private school comes from.
That's where all of it comes from.
- I'm talking about supporting me,
not support with payments, not
tuition for a fancy school-
- Look, man, Mersy...
Mary, I'm sorry.
You need a place to crash,
you're welcome to stay here.
The place is yours.
And you know what? I'm gonna
text you the name of a doctor
and I'll pay all the, you know,
the doctor bills and stuff.
But I've gotta be on this tour.
I mean, (chuckles) look at me,
I'm an over the hill rocker
who's had one gig in life.
I blow this and I got nothing.
I mean, you didn't even call
to tell me you were coming, man.
- This is when I need you the most, Dad.
- Hey, you know what?
You want it that way,
you wanna try and lay a guilt trip on me,
it's not happening.
If this is where you needed me the most,
you should've picked up
the phone and called me
and let me know what was going on.
- Yeah?
And what would you have said?
- Hey, well, I don't know, okay?
Like we'll never know
'cause it never happened.
- Sure we do.
You would've said, "I gotta go on tour."
(sighs heavily)
- Here's the key.
The place is yours.
Mary, I love you.
It's all I've got, kid.
It's all I've got.
(soft music)
(phone ringing)
- [Meg] Hello, this is Meg.
If you'd like to leave a
message for me, press one.
If you're calling for Phil, press two.
Mary's away at school,
unless you're calling at the holidays,
in which case press three,
and one of us will get back
to you as soon as we can.
- Hi, Mom, it's me.
I'm okay.
I'm at Dad's.
You were right about him.
I should've listened.
Maybe it's time for me to come home.
I don't know.
I
Don't have anywhere else to go.
(laughing)
- Oh.
Oh. (crying)
- Can I stay here?
I mean, you said I could.
- Of course you can stay here.
Of course you can stay here.
And tomorrow we'll take
you to the obstetrician
and we'll buy you some maternity clothes,
we'll get a crib.
Well, a very small crib.
I don't know, we'll figure out something.
But (laughs) but yes, of course.
Of course you can stay
here, it'll be perfect.
(singing in foreign language)
(banging)
You're invited to dinner.
- When?
- Now.
Mary's back.
- Geez.
Merry Christmas.
- No, not one word out of you.
You're gonna come to dinner
and you're gonna be nice.
And do you know why?
- Why?
- Because you're going to
be a great grandmother,
and nobody likes a great grandmother
who is a sourpuss.
- What are you talking about?
- Mary is moving in with me.
She's going to have the baby here.
Remember what I said to you
about people who are
alone who choose a family?
Well, this family just
got a little bit bigger,
and you can choose to be in it, or not.
- I don't like to be bossed around.
- Tough!
You know how to knit?
I need booties, and a bonnet.
- Little booties?
Little piggy booties?
- What a wonderful idea.
I never thought of that.
- Has she told her parents?
- Uh, yeah, I think that's
how this whole thing started.
- That she's staying with you
and she's gonna have the baby here?
- No.
No, you're right.
Uh, they would be worried
to death about her.
I'll make sure she calls them right away.
(answering machine beeping)
- [Darnella] Leave a
message, don't just hang up.
- [Mary] Okay.
Hi, Mom, it's me.
I'm okay, I'm with
people who care about me.
I'm seeing a doctor.
I'm going to have a baby with
people that care about me,
in safe surroundings.
Uh, I'll call you after the baby's born.
Okay, bye.
(answering machine beeps)
- First she runs off to her
father's, god knows why,
then in the form of a message
she said she was coming home.
Why did she change her mind?
Do you think she's been drugged?
- Well, you can definitely hear someone.
Someone who's more mature
telling her to leave a
message at the beginning.
- Do you think she's been kidnapped?
- Well, have you gotten
any ransom demands?
- No.
- Not yet.
Maybe they're waiting
for the baby to be born.
Maybe that way, they think
they can charge more.
Our daughter, our grandchild.
God only knows how much they'll demand.
- Especially if they
find out we have money.
- Oh darling, all they have
to do is look at her teeth
and they'll know we have money.
- Do you really think
she's been kidnapped?
- Well, (sighs) it's
certainly a possibility.
But you've got the number
tracked in the caller ID
and I got some connects down
at the police department
so we can track it.
Now, if she used a cell phone
it'll be a little bit more difficult,
but it ain't impossible.
- The reason we hired you
and your associates, Tony,
is that we don't want to
go to the police with this.
We certainly don't want the publicity.
- No one knows she's pregnant.
We've told the school
she's taking a break,
studying art in Florence.
Something like this
could ruin a young girl,
her reputation, her standing.
And it'd be awful for us.
- Darling, if she hasn't been kidnapped,
she's just run away, then.
- Well, then we know she's safe,
and we know she's pregnant.
She can't go traipsing around.
So I can reason with her, discreetly.
- Ah, I think that's
the key word here, Tony.
Discretion, yes?
- Hey, our agency is nothing
if not discreet, all right?
And look, I'ma do my thing.
If you get any more messages,
call me immediately.
Don't trip.
Oh, I'ma get your daughter
back, and your grandchild.
- Grandchild.
Big concept.
- Yes.
(bright music)
♪ Joy and Babs had a baby last spring ♪
♪ Prepared for the joy ♪
♪ That a baby could bring ♪
♪ And there's no finer feeling ♪
♪ Than moppin' up their spills ♪
♪ Up there in paradise on Polish Hill ♪
- Voila!
- Oh, it's great.
- It'll just be for the beginning
until we move to a bigger place,
where we'll have a proper crib.
I just didn't think that having a baby
and moving at the same
time was a good idea.
- But what happened to
all of your pictures
and your lingerie, and stuff?
- That was the past.
This is the future.
Besides, I left Grandma Betty's mirror
and the picture of Frank in the T-bird.
- Lamaze is a breathing technique
that helps a woman focus on her body
rather than on the pain of
contractions during childbirth.
Yes?
- What if I want drugs?
- Oh, I want drugs.
- No.
- Well, that's what this class is,
to help you do without,
so that you can have a natural childbirth.
- Right, but what if I want natural drugs?
(laughing)
- Well, we'll discuss several
alternatives in a while,
but these techniques really,
really are very effective.
- Until you need the drugs, right?
- We're gonna get to the drug part, okay?
(laughing)
- Thank you.
- But first, I want you to establish
what we call your breathing baseline.
(Mary gasps)
- Oh, I felt him kick.
It is so sweet.
(soft music)
You're a good coach.
- Thank you very much.
I take my job very seriously.
- Yes, he does.
He's been so amazing about everything.
- Wow.
Look at this.
- Mine.
- Whoa!
Your mom's got a cool car.
- Thanks.
My name is Joe, and this is Barbara.
- Mary.
- Darnella Dare.
- It's lovely to meet you guys.
Would you wanna
come over for a cup of
coffee, or something?
We live just right by here.
We're sorta new in town,
and I just don't know anyone else
who's having a baby except
for the people in this class.
- Well, I have to be at work at eight.
- No, yeah, it'll be cool.
I mean, we're kinda new to this, too,
and we're just getting
all the baby stuff together, you know?
- [Barbara] Yeah, okay.
Great.
Why don't you guys follow us?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right.
♪ The cobblestone sidewalk ♪
♪ Cracks under your feet ♪
♪ There's a small pot of flowers ♪
♪ That blooms on the sill ♪
♪ Up there in paradise on Polish Hill. ♪
- And this is it.
It's not completely organized yet.
- It looks pretty organized to me.
- This is my favorite.
Gonna rock the baby here.
- That is so cool!
- Oh, and I got this yesterday.
Look, it's a portable playpen.
I can take it with me anywhere.
- All blue.
I guess you can tell we're having a boy.
- Do you know what you're having?
- A baby.
That's about it.
- We didn't wanna ruin the surprise.
- Oh, we saw this crib!
- [Barbara] Oh, isn't it great?
- I want this so much.
But we just don't have the room.
- Not yet, but we will have,
possibly in a few months, you know?
Maybe, yeah.
- You guys are all hooked up.
I mean, you like, thought of everything.
- Well, we've been trying to
get pregnant for eight years,
so I guess we had the
time to think about it.
(slow music)
- I just don't know if I'm
gonna be any good at it.
I don't know if you're
gonna be any good at it.
I just.
- Oh.
Oh, you're gonna be a wonderful mother,
I know you are.
And you know, uh, after the
baby is a little bit older,
and whenever you think about it,
um, you should go back to school.
And I'll look after the baby,
and Annie will help, and...
We're the village.
Or, the trailer park.
But um, we're like a village.
Oh.
What?
What?
- I just remember when I was a little kid
and I would get to come
home from boarding school
for the holidays, and
there would be a tree.
It was the only time I
felt like I had a family.
And everyone was really happy.
It's just different now.
It's really different.
I'm sorry.
You're like, the nicest
person I've ever met,
and I'm being really ungrateful.
- You're right.
- I know.
I'm being a baby.
- No, no.
You're not.
I meant, you're right about Christmas.
You are.
And I never realized it until just now.
(sighs) I am so tired of having
frozen turkey TV dinners for the holidays.
It sucks.
- No, that frozen thing
we had on Thanksgiving,
the first night, it was nice.
- Sucks!
Sucks big time.
Sucks eggs!
We are gonna have a real Christmas.
A real, real Christmas.
(singing in foreign language)
- Yes?
- Hi.
- Okay, hi.
What's wrong?
What's broke?
What's your complaint?
- I don't have any complaints.
Everything's just wonderful.
- Then what are you doing here
if everything's so hunky-dory?
- I was just thinking-
- Don't strain yourself.
- I was thinking...
What is that wonderful smell?
I mean, something smells delicious.
- Of course something smells delicious.
I've been cooking, and I'm a good cook,
and that's the way my
food is supposed to smell.
- But I mean that smells phenomenal.
- That's my lots of meat lasagna.
You can have a taste, if you like.
- I don't wanna put you out.
- You're not putting me out.
I said you could have a taste.
- Oh my gosh.
- Good, huh?
- Oh my gosh, that's the-
- The best.
- The best lasagna I have
ever had in my whole life.
- You think that's good,
wait till you taste this.
Fired asparagus with creole mustard sauce.
It doesn't go with lasagna,
but I said what the heck.
Open, taste.
- Mm.
Mm.
Oh my gosh.
- You've got to come up with
another list of expletives.
It's getting boring.
But it is nice to have somebody
that appreciates good food.
- We're gonna have a party.
- Oh, no, no, no, no parties
allowed in this trailer park.
- We're gonna have the
best Christmas party ever.
Lillian's gonna close the
restaurant at the casino
on Christmas Eve, that's
where we've gonna have it,
and everybody's gonna make something.
But there's gonna be a room full of people
who are going to appreciate the best food
they have ever had in their life
because no matter what they eat,
it's gonna pale in comparison
to what you can do.
- I am not going to bust my hump
making Christmas dinner
for a bunch of strangers.
- They're not strangers, they're friends.
- I haven't got any...
I haven't got time to do a lot of cooking
for some freeloaders.
- Well, you're right.
Lasagna doesn't go with Christmas,
and if that's all you know
how to make, that and-
- If that's all I know how to make?
If that's all I know how to make?
You're just saying that
because you have never had
my slow-cooked black-eyed peas
with ham bites,
and my corn fried in butter,
and my cornbread that tastes like cake.
Oh my goodness, what am I talking about?
Nuh-uh, it's too much trouble.
- We can help.
- Who is we?
- My girlfriends, me.
It'd be fun.
Mrs. Dorkus, when was the
last time that you had fun?
- I have fun when I cook.
- Well, I'm not saying that you'd want to,
but if you would want to
cook some food for the party,
what would you cook that would be fun?
- Well, I could make a
hickory smoked turkey
with chestnuts and cranberry stuffing.
Some ham bites, and some
candied yams and pineapples
covered all over with marshmallows.
- Oh.
- (chuckles) Honey, I'm
gonna knock their socks off.
This is gonna be fun.
- I'm coming.
Wait a second. (laughs)
Darnella.
The girls told me I'd
find you here. (sighs)
- Hi, Lillian.
- Hi, darling.
- (sighs) You know, I didn't
know Horace that well,
but I like to come and visit him.
Isn't life strange and
wonderful at the same time?
Because of Horace, I'm about
to have a whole new family.
- You know, Darnella, you're
a real mensch, you know that?
- Well, you're the
mensch for giving us the-
- Nah.
- The casino.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Business is so lousy,
the restaurant might as well be closed.
And I'm not saying just Christmas Eve.
- What do you mean?
- Well, listen.
This is between you, me, and
the lamppost, you understand?
- The lamppost?
- It's an expression.
Just ignore the lamppost part.
Okay, listen.
I'm giving you a heads up.
- What?
- We're in trouble.
I mean, the casino, you know the economy.
And uh, I mean, everybody gets
a bailout but the Kaiyutes,
and I'm the last of the Kaiyutes.
- Lillian, what are you talking about?
- (stammering) We're
gonna go out of business.
- Oh my god.
Are you sure?
- If we don't turn around
this business in three months,
the doors to the Kaiyute
Casino will be closed forever.
And Northern New Mexico can say goodbye
to fine dining and glamor.
- Jerry Zee.
- What about him?
- He's your agent, right?
- Well, he used to be.
He hasn't gotten me a gig in years.
- Well, who else has he
got? He's still your agent.
- It's his problem, chica.
Let him think of something.
- What else is an agent for?
(buzzing)
(phone ringing)
- Ah.
Jerry Zee.
Who?
Darnella, sweetheart!
How are ya, baby?
How's the gig with the Indians?
Oh, I love it.
Me?
Same old same old.
What can I tell ya? Vegas.
Uh, sure I got time.
What can I do for you, bubby?
What?
You're having a baby?
This is fantastic!
I didn't think you knew
about the birds and the bees. (laughs)
Seriously, this is not only fantastic,
this is miraculous.
If you're having a baby, sweetheart,
I can get Ripley's Believe It Or Not.
I can get Unsolved Mysteries.
They're off the air?
What do I know?
I still use a coat hanger
for my rabbit ears.
Robert Stag died?
Oh!
I always thought he looked a little stiff,
but I never would've given him a dead.
No, no.
Um, but seriously, we can
make a career out of this.
Oh, it's not you, it's a kid having a kid.
Oh, too bad, I wanted
to see video. (laughs)
There goes my fantasy.
Okay, but seriously, uh,
there's not much I can do with that,
it happens all the time, nothing special.
I'm not understanding.
You're going back to college?
The kid is gonna go back to college?
The baby is gonna go to college?
I'm sorry, I don't get
it, there's no act there.
Oh, okay.
Uh, I get it.
Yes, I see, I see, I see.
No, yeah.
I see, I get it.
You need money to eventually
send the baby to college.
(buzzing)
Let me think, concept.
I think I got it.
No, not that.
A fly that's been driving me nuts here.
Where was I?
Are you still friendly with those cuties?
What's her name?
Burgundy?
Uh, Bud Lite?
Shar D'Anay, exactly.
All right, what we do
is a showgirls Christmas gift calendar.
Wait a second, hear me out.
You, the girls.
No, listen.
Cheeky Blaine and his
whole blazing Elvis getup.
We sell it to all your fans at the casino.
No, because why?
The English ladies, they made a calendar,
they made up, thousands,
millions, am I right?
A Christmas gift showgirls calendar.
Boom, the perfect gift for daddy.
Bingo, huh?
It's a winner.
I will tell you what.
I will drive up tomorrow
and personally produce the photo shoot.
Yeah.
Uh, Cher and Elton are just gonna have
to handle their own affairs for two days.
I'll tell ya, sweetheart,
day and night, they never let up with me.
It's Cher this and Elton who?
I love to say, Cher?
Cher who? (laughs)
Seriously, enough already.
Ciao, baby, put on your
warpaint, I'm on my way.
Darnella.
Darnella. (laughs)
Go ahead, live a little
longer, I'm in a good mood.
(buzzing)
All right, Darnella, you're
a livin' Christmas tree.
Smile!
Get that, sweetheart.
Oh yes, you're the biggest surprise
Santa can bring down the chimney.
It's a family holiday,
but something for Dad,
do you know what I mean?
- Showgirl Christmas calendar?
- Yes, please.
- There you go.
Thank you.
- (laughs) You flirt!
You devil.
You're gonna have all the
girls' hearts fluttering.
Okay, go hunt some Easter eggs. (laughs)
- Here, get your Showgirl
Christmas calendar.
- Where are the Christmas pigs?
I don't get it.
- The Showgirls Christmas Gift Calendar.
Hmm.
- Meg, darling, be reasonable, would you?
It's Christmas Eve,
it's the second busiest
travel day of the year.
- So what, Phil?
You hired a private detective.
He found this picture on the internet.
Now we know where she is.
No, Consuelo.
Consuela?
It's my daughter, Phil.
It's my daughter.
- Darling, I know it's your daughter.
- Well, you'd feel differently
if it was your daughter.
- I'd feel exactly the same, Megan.
Look, we're trying to get
tickets at the last minute
on Christmas Eve to the nearest airport
to Kaiyute, New Mexico,
which happens to be in
Mulechute, Oklahoma.
It's not exactly easy.
- No, no, mucho darker.
I'm sorry, you were saying?
- I was saying, it's
not as if the airlines
have staged a bidding war
to see who puts their hub
in Mulechute, Oklahoma.
I mean, it's not as if
Mary's life is in any danger.
- And how do you know that?
- Because it isn't.
- She's been kidnapped by showgirls.
- [Phil] Darling, she
hasn't been kidnapped.
She's smiling in the picture.
- Oh, but Phil, they
always make them smile
when they kidnap them, just like Al-Qaeda.
- They started a college
fund for her, Megan.
- And that is the most
demeaning thing of all.
Can you imagine what
our friends would say?
That we pimped our daughter out
to a cult of showgirls,
and can't even pay for our
own grandchild's education?
Next thing you know they'll be
saying we're on food stamps.
- Megan, if we go we won't even be able
to bring her back on a plane.
She's nine months pregnant.
No airline would allow it.
- At least we can get her
out of the clutches of those gypsies.
It's bad enough that my daughter
is being held by a band of bimbos,
but this is now on the internet.
- Darling, really, I think
you're making too much of this.
- Do you understand what this means?
- [Phil] Megan-
- Everybody in the world
is going to be seeing it.
The next thing you know,
it's gonna be you and me.
It's, it's terrible, it's awful,
I can't believe it.
- Megan, come to your senses.
- Make the reservations, Phil,
or I'll charter a jet!
- [Man On Radio] Trans Prairie Airways,
you are clear to land.
Did you encounter any
turbulence on the way down?
- Oh yeah.
Scared the heck out of
a couple of New Yorkers.
♪ Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
♪ Where the prairie dogs are purdy ♪
♪ Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
♪ Where the women are so sturdy ♪
♪ Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
♪ Better watch out where you step ♪
♪ Our Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
♪ It's a homa you get ♪
♪ M-U-L-E-C-H-U ♪
♪ T ♪
♪ Oklahoma, that is ♪
- Thank God we're safe! (kissing)
Thank God we're safe!
- [Phil] Oh darling, it's
all right, it's all right.
- Oh, god!
- Come, come.
Thank God we're safe.
- Where is baggage claim?
- Domestic?
- No, international.
We flew in this dump of an
airplane from Dusseldorf!
- No need to get surly.
- Trans Prairie Airways.
- That would be terminal A.
And by the way, that static
electricity in your air
will probably relax in a couple of hours.
(upbeat bluegrass music)
(banging)
(Megan groans)
- Oh, god.
(indistinct)
- Please check your baggage tags
against your suitcases,
as many bags look alike.
(bell dinging)
Yes?
- Yes?
- Can I help you?
- Yes.
We reserved a car.
Cutbarth.
Phil Cutbarth.
- Cut?
- Cut-barth!
Cutbarth!
- I'll see if I can find your reservation.
- Find our reservation?
We are the only people here!
- I feel like we've landed in Jonestown.
- That's Cutberth?
- Cutbarth!
Cutbarth!
- Is that with an I or with an E?
- Oh, nobody can understand his accent!
C-U-T-B-A-R-T-H!
- Charlie University Thomas Bravo Alpha
Romeo Thomas Hotel, correct?
- Yokel Excrement Simpleton!
Yes!
- That would be space J-4.
It's the Christmas special.
♪ Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
♪ Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
- Merry Christmas.
♪ Our Mulechute, Oklahoma ♪
♪ It's a homa you get ♪
(groaning)
(exhaust backfiring)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the food!
(cheering)
(slow music)
♪ O holy night ♪
♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪
♪ It is the night ♪
♪ Of our dear savior's birth ♪
(engine rumbling)
(exhaust backfiring)
♪ The soul felt its worth ♪
♪ A thrill of hope ♪
♪ The weary world rejoices ♪
♪ For yonder breaks ♪
♪ A new and glorious morn' ♪
♪ Fall ♪
♪ On your knees ♪
♪ Oh hear ♪
♪ The angels' voices ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Divine ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ When Christ was born ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Night ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Divine ♪
(applauding)
(crowd chattering)
(door slams)
- Get your hands off my
daughter, you crazy bimbos,
or I'll call the police!
- Mom, Phil, what are you guys doing here?
- What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?
- Nice do.
- I want you to know she's a minor.
I could press charges against all of you!
You crazy hormonal bimbos!
Get your hands off my daughter!
- Anybody with hair like that
shouldn't call anybody a bimbo.
- I don't have to talk
to the likes of you.
Mary, come with us!
- No, I'm not, Mom.
- Yes you are.
(gun firing)
(crowd screaming)
- Got two barrels.
The next one's for you, toots.
- Don't just stand there, do something.
- Yeah, Phil, feelin' lucky?
- Madam, I think you
should know, I am a lawyer.
- All the more reason
to shoot, if you ask me.
- No, Annie.
No, Mom, I wasn't kidnapped.
I told you I was with
people that care about me,
people that love me.
- We love you, Mary.
(crowd exclaiming)
We do love you, we just express it
in a more dignified fashion.
(crowd exclaiming)
- Mary, we want you to come back with us.
- No, I'm staying here.
I'm having the baby here.
I'm keeping the baby, and
I'm raising the baby here.
- In an Indian casino?
You can't be serious.
You're just doing this to humiliate us.
- Mom, this has nothing to do with you.
This has to do with me and my...
Oh.
- Sweetheart, is something wrong?
- The baby.
- Yes, it's about you and the baby.
You're absolutely right.
- No, the baby.
- The baby?
- The baby?
- The baby, my water just broke!
(crowd gasping)
- God.
I'm gonna faint.
- No, you're not!
You put on your big girl panties.
You're about to become a grandma!
(Megan gasps)
- All right, don't anyone panic.
I'm an agent, I can handle this.
Actually, I can't.
- We've got everything under control.
Annie, you call the OB-GYN.
Tell him we're on the way to the hospital.
I've got everything packed, we're ready.
Let's go.
(singing in foreign language)
(exciting music)
(groaning)
- Oh, god.
The contractions are starting.
- It's okay, it's okay.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Come on, you can do it.
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.
Come on, sweetheart, you can do it.
- [Mary And Darnella] Ho-ho.
- Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
(sirens blaring)
Oh, the cops.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Hee-hee-hee.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Hee-hee-hee-hee.
- You got the whole Christmas
party with you, huh?
- Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- Ho-ho-ho, but it's not funny.
You were doing 80 miles an hour
in a 45 mile an hour zone.
- Well, you don't understand, officer,
she's in labor, she's gonna have a baby.
The water broke, and we're
on the way to the hospital.
- Well, then you're lucky I stopped you.
The bridge is collapsed up ahead.
You can't get through to the hospital.
- What are you talking about?
- Just what I said.
Hey!
You're the girl from the calendar.
I love that calendar!
We have that up in the sheriff's office.
- Oh, you are so sweet!
- Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- I'm so happy you like it.
We had the nicest time.
- Ho-ho-ho.
- Oh, right.
Well, how can we get across?
- Well, unless you wanna swim across,
the nearest other hospital is Farmington.
- But it's 45 miles away.
- Well, it's either there or right here.
Come on, follow me.
I'll get you there in no time.
- Ho-ho-ho-ho.
- Ho.
- Ho-hee-hee-hee.
(sirens blaring)
(exciting music)
(Mary groaning)
Hang in there.
- I'm hanging in, but this baby wants out!
(groaning)
It's coming now!
- Oh dear.
Oh dear.
No, no!
- Oh!
(groaning)
♪ O holy night ♪
(horn honking)
♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪
♪ It is the night ♪
♪ Of our dear savior's birth ♪
♪ Long lay the world ♪
♪ In sin and error, pining ♪
- Somebody get those
Two bales of hay together.
Quickly.
Okay.
And grab a blanket from one of these.
♪ A thrill of hope ♪
- Somebody get the blanket.
Hurry.
- Okay.
♪ The weary world rejoices ♪
♪ For yonder breaks ♪
(Mary whimpering)
- Spread it out.
♪ A new and glorious morn' ♪
- [Mrs. Dorkus] You've
got to push now, baby.
You've got to push hard.
(Mary groaning)
- You can do this.
You can do this.
- You need more light?
(Mary screams)
- Okay.
I can see the head.
- Ho-ho-ho.
Hee-hee-hee.
- I can see
the baby's head, now push!
Push!
- Push, push!
Yeah.
Come on!
- Push!
- Push!
(Mary groaning)
- There it is!
- Push, baby, push!
(Mary screaming)
Oh, yes!
- There it is!
There it is.
It's, it's a girl.
(baby crying)
- It's a girl?
- It's a girl.
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Oh night divine ♪
♪ A thrill of hope ♪
♪ The weary world rejoices ♪
♪ For yonder breaks ♪
- What on earth is that screaming?
♪ A new and glorious morn' ♪
- Is someone hurt?
♪ Fall ♪
♪ On your knees ♪
♪ Oh hear the angel voices ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Divine ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
- Oh my goodness.
♪ When Christ was born ♪
- Oh my goodness.
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Night ♪
♪ Oh night ♪
♪ Divine ♪
- Well, you did just fine.
Your baby's perfectly healthy.
- Yes, you did fine.
My sweet angel.
I just...
I wanna thank you for being
so wonderful to my daughter.
- All right.
Give your baby one more hug.
Then I wanna place her on an incubator.
- Huh?
- It's just a precaution, it's normal.
- Wow.
- Big time wow.
(baby cooing)
- Okay.
Let me have her.
We'll have her back to you in a few hours.
Wave bye.
Now, Mary.
The hospital's filled to capacity tonight,
so I'm gonna ask you if
you could share a room
with another young woman
who went into labor this evening.
- Why does she have to share a room?
- That's fine, I don't mind.
- Well, it's not really your
daughter I'm concerned about.
This young woman's baby was stillborn.
Now, normally we'd put
her in a private room,
but we won't be able to move
her until tomorrow morning.
So, I'm gonna ask you,
please nurse your baby in
the hallway out of deference.
- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
- Well, maybe they'll be
able to have more children.
- No.
They won't.
Unfortunately, she won't be
able to have any more children.
- Monkey pillow. (chuckles)
You okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
- I love you, too.
- Oh my gosh.
- We just heard.
We are so sorry for your loss.
- It's just, you know,
we waited so long, and,
he never even took a breath. (sobbing)
How's your baby?
- She's fine.
- I'm glad.
I'm really glad.
I'm really happy for you, it's just.
I can't do it. (sobbing)
- Excuse us.
- Of course.
(slow music)
(muffled speaking over intercom)
- Oh.
(laughs)
- I thought I would find you
when I didn't see you in your room.
Are you sure you're supposed
to be walking around?
- Yeah, 16.
Resilient.
This is so amazing.
- It is that.
Just amazing.
- I mean, about how everything
turned out, you know?
My mother here, with Phil.
They're being really nice.
I mean, you talk about miracles.
And the way you took me in.
And everything.
I don't think I've ever had so many people
who were like family.
It's what I wanted most in life.
A big family, everyone's
laughing, holidays.
It couldn't have turned out
better if it was planned.
- Maybe it was.
- What do you mean?
- Well, just that.
I think there is a plan,
even though sometimes we don't see it,
even though we're too close to it
to make it out clearly.
I still think there's a plan.
- Wasn't much of a plan
for Barbara and Joe.
- I don't know.
- What are you talking about?
They waited all that time for a baby.
They're like the perfect couple,
they have everything ready.
And they'll go home to an empty house.
Here I am.
I've never even thought
about having a kid.
Not much of a plan, if you ask me.
- Let's sit down.
Remember when I told you
that when I was just a
little bit older than you,
almost 18, that I had a baby of my own?
A little girl.
A perfect, beautiful, magical little girl.
- What happened?
Did she, uh, did she
get sick or something?
- No, thank goodness.
But I realized that I was 17,
single, and a showgirl.
Truth was that I was...
I had a baby, but I wasn't
ready to be a mother.
Not the kind of mother that she deserved.
And then I remembered
what my grandma said.
- What?
- She said that when you love someone,
you love them with an open hand,
not clutching, not like a fist, but open,
because the greatest act
of love that anyone can do
is to let go.
I always wondered how
my daughter turned out.
She went to a good home,
to a loving couple who weren't able
to have children of their own.
But they were far more ready
than I was to be a parent.
I know how I would've liked
her to turn out, Mary.
I would've liked her to be
exactly like you.
- I wanna give the baby up for adoption.
I wanna give her up to the
couple whose baby was stillborn.
They're wonderful people,
who'll make wonderful parents.
It's not my choice alone,
'cause she's your grandchild
and you have to deal with this, too.
My baby deserves someone
that's not just ready to be a parent,
but knows how to be a parent,
knows how to be a mother.
And I'm not
'cause I never learned it from you, Mom.
- Mary-
- Please let me finish.
I never learned from you
what a mother was supposed to be like.
And I want that.
I want that very much.
So, when I do have kids
I can take care of them.
I'll know what a mother looks like,
and what she feels like,
and you're the only person in the world
that can give that to me.
And I'm the only person in the world
that can show you what it feels like
when a daughter loves you.
I wanna go home.
But not to some boarding school.
And I wanna be your loving
daughter, and I'm not.
And I want you to be more than
someone who gave birth to me.
And right now, you're not.
And that's awful.
And I don't want it to
be like that anymore.
- Mary, maybe you should run
away from home more often.
It's good for you.
(sobbing)
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh, ahh ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
- See you in New York.
(kissing)
(chuckling)
Bye, Meg.
Bye, Phil.
- Bye, Darnella.
- I'll never forget you.
- I know.
- And I'll call you all the time.
- I'll get a better phone.
- I love you.
- I love you, too, sweet Mary.
Now, you better go
because your mom and Phil
are waiting in the car.
- I have two moms.
- Oh.
(crying)
I'm getting all verklempt.
Makeup's ruined, I look a mess.
You better go.
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
- Georgio, isn't this
the most beautiful day?
The most incredible, beautiful,
perfect, brisk, winter's day?
Walkies.
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Halle, halle, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelu, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Halle, halle, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
(slow music)
♪ Voices singing through the night ♪
♪ Of angels we have heard on high ♪
♪ And peace on earth ♪
♪ I wonder how it might be ♪
♪ If every child ♪
♪ Were made aware ♪
♪ Of every child were made to care ♪
♪ For his fellow man ♪
♪ Oh, what a world this might be ♪
♪ But I think we've
lost our point of view ♪
♪ And that compass North
don't run so true ♪
♪ But I think the stars ♪
♪ Could tell us what we oughta do ♪
♪ Tell me ♪
♪ Star light ♪
♪ Star bright ♪
♪ First start tonight ♪
♪ Was that you ♪
♪ On Christmas day ♪
♪ Star light ♪
♪ Star bright ♪
♪ First star tonight ♪
♪ Hmm, hmm ♪