Evolution (2001) - full transcript

When a meteorite falls to Earth two college professors, Dr. Ira Kane and Prof. Harry Phineas Block, are assigned the job of checking the site out. At the site, they discover organisms not of this planet. Soon the site is taken over by the government, forcing Ira and Harry to the side. As the new life-forms begin to evolve and start to get more and more dangerous, it's up to the two professors to save the planet.

♪♪ [CAR STEREO - ROCK]

♪♪ [STOPS]

♪♪ [HUMMING]

[THUD]

Ow.

[STRAINING]

[SQUEAKS]

Despite all the warnings,

she was smoking in bed.

Fell asleep. Bad move.

[LIQUID POURING,

METAL CLANKS]

And the fire begins.

Show time.

[SCREAMING]

Don't worry, ma'am!

I'm here to save you!

Keep those people back!

This is an emergency!

[THUD, SQUEAK]

Don't you dare die on me!

Breathe, damn it, breathe!

She's gonna make it!

She's gonna make it!

[WHOOSHING]

What the...

[SCREAMS]

Oh, damn!

MAN:

Rick, wait up!

Okay, I'll check it out.

Though it may be hard to believe

that a single biology professor...

making in excess

of $17,500 a year...

could manage to find time to grade

your first biology research papers, I did.

As you can see,

there was a shocking statistical anomaly.

Pretty much all of you got A's.

[CHEERING]

You deserve

to congratulate yourselves.

I've got a real good feeling

about this group.

I think that the parade of A's

is gonna continue...

straight through

to the end of the semester.

So much for the bell curve.

Bell curves suck, man!

[APPLAUSE]

Mr. Kane!

Dr. Kane,

seems to be a mistake here.

You see, you see,

my brother and I each got a C-minus on our reports.

C-minus. Me too.

Allow me to share something

with the entire class.

Um, last night,

as I was grading papers,

I came across two gems,

both entitled "Cells are Bad."

Both with just

one paragraph,

which I unfortunately

committed to memory.

"Cells are bad."

"My uncle lives in a cell.

It's 10 foot by 12,"

"and he has to read the same

old boring magazine every day.

"The end."

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

You're talking about our papers,

aren't you, Dr. Kane? Yes, I am.

Although my standards are

nowhere near where they used to be,

I still could not bring myself to

put an "A" on top of those beauties.

I hope you understand, guys.

Sure.

Yeah, okay.

Let's get back to work

at the periodic table here,

which is not,

as some of you suppose...

A meteor? Where?

Uh-huh. Route 89-A.

Yeah, yeah, got it.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah,

rest assured, I will be there.

Okay, bye.

So how does it look,

Professor?

It's tight.

Uh, really, really tight,

Nadine, but not too tight.

You just don't have

the points. I'm sorry.

But don't take it too hard. Geology's

a lot tougher subject than people think.

Are you sure? Couldn't

you just check again?

I really need this credit

to get into nursing school.

Nursing school?

Wouldn't you be more comfortable

in a different profession,

one where people's lives

were not dependent on you?

Actually, what I really

want to be is Miss Arizona,

but my pageant consultant says that

nursing school will really impress the judges.

Makes me look like

I want to help people.

Ready for lunch?

Or... have you

already eaten?

I was just concluding a

teacher-student conference...

with Nadine here, Ira.

Harry,

your dedication to your job

is an inspiration to us all.

Regrettably, Nadine,

I have a prior lunch engagement with Professor Kane.

We'll talk about your

extra credit later, okay?

Cheer up.

Let me grab my stuff.

[COUGHS]

Where you taking me?

Meteor hit last night.

Oh, that's what that was.

Yep.

As the Glen Canyon official

representative of the U.S. Geological Survey,

I have been assigned

to check it out.

I'm taking you along in case I

actually have to do something scientific.

Then we eat. You're an official

representative of the U.S.G.S.?

Signed up

over the Internet.

What, were you on

some cheerleader site...

and you accidentally got

linked over to the U.S.G.S. site?

Something like that.

Watch her,

now. Take it easy. That's my baby.

There you go.

Take it easy.

Whoa! Whoa!

Come on!

Be careful! Who's gonna pay me

for the damage to my goddamn car?

Son, I told you,

we don't do that. It's force majeure.

Force majeure,

my ass! That car's a classic '73 Buick Riv.

Hey, now, who are you?

Harry Block,

United States Geological Survey.

This is my secretary,

Ira Kane.

We're here to investigate the meteor if,

indeed, that is what it is.

Of course it's damn meteor.

It almost blew up my damn car.

I'm still fuzzy on what you were

doing there in the middle of the night.

Yeah,

with Betty Lou here.

For the thousandth time,

I was practicing for my fireman's exam,

which, for your information,

started about seven minutes ago,

so I would really appreciate it

if you'd let me get outta here.

So you and the blonde

found the meteor?

Yeah,

I found it. It bounced my car 200 feet in the air.

Okay, can I go? Bob,

get him out of here right now.

Don't leave town.

Sheriff, is this the, um,

the point of penetration?

Yeah. It punched through into

a cavern about 80 feet down.

[WHISTLES]

Now, that's a hole.

[GROANS] Damn it! Next time,

you're carrying this case.

Hey, you're the U.S.G.S.

representative.

I believe that responsibility

comes with the badge.

Oh, my God.

Look at that.

I believe

we've located the target.

All right, two big smiles,

fellas. Cheese!

Okay, hold it up now.

All right?

Ohh!

Got it.

Ooh, it's hot. It's really hot. I'll hold you up,

okay?

Show me a little more

nightstick.

Look at these jackasses.

Muscles. Muscle pose.

Give me big smiles, fellas.

Looking good, fellas.

At ease, gentlemen!

The Feds are here.

Feds? What Feds?

Who let you down here? Let's not get combative,

Lieutenant.

The U.S.G.S.

and local law enforcement...

have a long history

of cooperation.

We're just down here to get some scientific samples,

if that's okay with you guys.

Uh, yeah, sure.

We got all the, uh,

photographic evidence we need. Carry on.

Thank you.

Keep up the good work.

Wow.

It just hit last night,

and it's got...

stuff growing on it.

Could be cave moss.

Cave moss after just a

few hours? That's peculiar.

Let's get a sample

and get out of here.

Ooh.

HARRY:

It's bleeding.

It's a rock that... bleeds.

Now that's

really peculiar.

Let's bag it.

I don't know if this whole Geological

Society gig is all it's cracked up to be.

I mean, yeah, it pads on my résumé,

but am I growing as a person?

Am I growing as a Division

Three women's volleyball coach?

Hmm?

Are you gonna do those spectro-thingie

tests it says to do in the guidebook?

Spectrograph. Yeah,

I will do a full spectroscopic analysis.

Your résumé will shine.

Good. I gotta get to the game.

Let me know if you find anything.

Ira,

are you sure you can handle this by your lonesome?

All right, all right.

That's impossible.

Ten base pairs.

That can't be.

[HORN BLOWS]

HARRY: We need this!

Come on,

ladies! Look alive up here! Look alive!

Tina, cover the line! When Lisa goes for the spike,

you've got to cover the line!

Lisa! Two hands,

okay? Two hands! Harry!

God gave you two goddamn

hands for a reason! Harry!

Big news.

The most amazing thing.

The meteor samples are

teeming with one-celled organisms.

Their metabolic rates

are off the charts.

They're dividing at an incredible

rate. It's practically exponential.

Their DNA has ten base pairs.

Ten base pairs. That's good to know. Thank you,

Ira.

Harry,

the DNA of all life on Earth has only four base pairs.

Come on, ladies!

Look alive!

Harry, these are organisms

from another world.

They're aliens.

Is the Nobel Prize

paid in installments...

or in a lump sum

like the lottery?

Let's not get ahead of

ourselves. Here. My office.

I'm not getting ahead of myself. I'm

concerned about the potential tax consequences.

Why in here? I just want

to be a little cautious.

Our discovery.

I'm all tingly.

Yeah.

Wow.

I'm no biologist,

but how many cells do

single-celled organisms have?

If we're gonna be

big important scientists,

you have to start

to act the part.

Why don't you

take a look?

There are multicellular

organisms in there.

[LAUGHS]

Yes, I know.

No,

but they weren't there before. So they snuck in.

No, there was

no sneaking in.

It's... It's...

No, it's too amazing.

What?

It's... It's...

It's like

they're evolving.

They're growing.

They're growing into

more complex organisms.

It's evolution.

Nobel, here we come.

Yeah,

but it's 200 million years worth in just a few hours.

That's fast.

You have no idea.

MAN: All right, get ready!

[SNORING]

On my signal! Go!

Come on!

Go, go, go, go!

Recruit, wake up.

Wake up!

Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

The hose!

This thing here!

Sorry.

Move it, move it, move it!

Wayne, go!

Go, go, go!

Go! Come on!

Ohh! Ohh!

[GROANING] Well, buddy,

these things happen.

There's another test

in six months.

Six months?

I can't wait six months.

Well, at least you still got the

pool gig over at the country club.

Great. Thanks a lot.

Ohh!

Drive careful.

I got it, I got it.

I do this.

Looks like we got

some visitors.

Okay, class, since this

is our first field trip,

I want you to obey a few

very simple rules, okay?

Ugh. Dirt.

Nice footwear.

Perfect for spelunking. I don't

want you to touch anything.

Don't move anything. Don't even

breathe unless we tell you to...

and wear your protective

gloves at all times.

Why do we have to do this? Firsthand field experience,

that's why.

The very meat and potatoes

of geology.

Is this gonna be

on the final? Yes.

Officer, nice to see you again. Hey,

Professor. What's up?

We came to pick up the rock.

Pick it up? What?

Yeah, well, we're...

Just orders from the U.S.G.S.

They want it under

controlled conditions.

It's very technical.

Oh, technical stuff.

It's technical.

So, yeah, okay.

Go right ahead.

We're just gonna haul it right on out of here. Sure,

go ahead.

Deke and Danny,

remember what we talked about, right?

You guys are in charge of the hoisting.

I want you to get the winch to the hole.

Okay, fellas,

stop nodding and just stare at me for a second, okay?

Focus.

You understand what I want you to do? Yeah,

we got you.

Yeah.

Go do it.

Ira, I'm picking up

a heavy creepy vibe here.

Yeah, a lot has changed.

Class, I know

these look like mushrooms,

but please try to refrain

from eating them.

Ugh!

It smells disgusting.

Nadine,

sometimes science stinks.

It's the game we play, baby.

Rotten egg smell.

Hydrogen sulfide, right?

Yeah, and ammonia and methane.

It's like it's converting the atmosphere.

Look at all this rudimentary

plant life. It's amazing.

I don't wanna get

all girly here,

but I think I feel something

wiggling around my toes.

The ground

does seem to be moving.

Whoa!

Flatworms.

Millions of them!

Eww! God! Ohh!

God!

Ohh! Whoa!

Barely 18 hours,

and we already have flatworms.

Look, look, look!

Hey, there they are!

Hi, Dr. Kane!

Hey, Dr. Kane!

Ohh!

Man,

I almost went down on that one! That was awesome.

Come here, little buddy.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

You didn't hurt it.

You killed it.

The oxygen must have killed it.

Must need its own

atmosphere to live.

Yeah. Why don't you

grab a specimen jar?

We'll try to scoop some of the

atmosphere in there with them.

Took us two billion years to do

what they did in just a couple of days.

Yeah. Those little germs are the

embodiment of the American dream.

Ahem. I'm, um, so sorry to interrupt,

Professor Block,

but am I correct in assuming

that that little field trip...

fulfilled my missing

credit requirements?

You know, Nadine,

you're a very, very smart girl,

but if you would just focus...

Um, Professor,

the little wiggly worm things in there are breaking.

Ira, look.

Yeah.

IRA: No, it's not breaking. It's splitting.

It's mitosis.

That's how they reproduce.

No sex?

No time for sex.

Bummer.

Oh, little guys

are splitting again.

Put it away. Look,

we call no one, we tell no one.

This is our secret,

right?

What about the government? Is this the

kind of thing they usually get involved in?

No. No government. I know those

people. Absolutely not. You do?

Look, this is our discovery and we

have to maintain absolute control.

We have to do more research and check our findings,

document everything.

MAN:

Hey, Wayne.

[SIGHS]

What's this?

That would be

an all-cotton towel, sir.

I believe a Fieldcrest. It's a damp towel,

Wayne.

What the hell is a damp

towel doing on my chaise?

Okay. Let me go

take care of this for you.

You should, Wayne,

because you're the pool manager.

If anyone knows what to do about the dampness on my chair,

it's you.

"Oh, you know what to do with the

towels 'cause you're the pool boy."

What the hell?

[WATER BUBBLING]

Where did you guys

come from?

You're dead now.

[BUBBLING]

Whoa! What the...

Okay.

Hey, Harry, when I checked

the samples this morning,

I found

three different subspecies.

I mean, these things

are evolving so quickly.

God knows what we're

gonna find when we get back.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Please tell me there's

an air show today. Damn.

Ah, shit.

Can I help you?

Harry Block, Ira Kane.

United States

Geological Society.

We're doing some important

research. This is our site.

I'm sorry. Not anymore.

You're not on the list.

What do you mean?

We come here all the time.

This is not a nightclub.

Take it somewhere else.

Hey, I know my constitutional rights,

okay?

You can't tell me...

Harry! Harry! Look,

maybe you can call your superior,

we can have a word with him.

I have a Harry Block

and an Ira Kane out here...

saying they have some

connection to the site. Punk.

What? You gotta know

how to talk to the white man.

The white man about to get his ass

whupped. He doesn't like to be yelled at.

Did you say Kane?

Ira Kane?

Yeah. Yeah.

The Ira Kane?

Oh, I've been looking forward to

this for a long time. You bastard!

SOLDIER: You're history! Hey,

hey, hey!

Get his gun!

You're crazy!

Take it easy!

All right, they're good. Up!

You're responsible for the

worst month of my life! Let me go!

What the hell was that

about? I don't know.

All right, drive straight down to the

command tent. They're expecting you.

Go.

Thank you.

That's the guy that had me

in diapers for over a month!

Let me go!

Who the hell was that?

Gentlemen,

just up here. General Woodman's expecting you.

Russell Woodman?

Ha ha! Ira!

Ohh! What an

unexpected surprise.

For me too. I didn't realize

we were on a hugging basis.

The same old Ira Kane.

And you must be?

Harry Block, this is General Russell Woodman,

head of U.S. Army research.

General.

Harry.

So you two know each other?

Ira used to work for me.

Right, Ira?

I worked with you, actually.

Ira,

you used to work in Army research at the Pentagon? Yeah.

And all this time I thought

you were just a schoolteacher.

No. How did you find out

about this, Russell?

You leave the Pentagon,

you don't call me, you don't write.

We like to keep tabs

on our prodigal sons.

So you tapped my phone?

No. We're not

the KGB, Ira.

Actually, we've been

monitoring your computer.

His computer?

All those girls in the photos

are over 18.

Yes, I'm sure.

I should have figured.

You should've known better than to

try to keep something this big from us.

And the C.D.C.

Ah!

Just in time.

Ira, this is Allison Reed,

senior researcher in

epidemiology at the... C.D.C.

HARRY:

Nice underwear.

A garter belt

at a day function?

I can do it. Thank you very

much. Thank you. I'm okay.

I'm okay. Dr. Kane.

I'd heard about

your recklessness,

but you are way out of line

on this one.

Do you realize how dangerous

this situation could have become?

It's nice to meet you too. No

need to play the blame game here.

No harm, no foul.

Suffice it to say...

that we're all very appreciative the

discovery made by Dr. Kane and Mr. Black.

Block.

Block.

I'm sorry.

The confirmation of the

existence of life outside this planet...

Would be the greatest

scientific discovery...

of our time.

Yes, actually.

Yes, and you have my word that you'll

be kept in the loop from this point forward.

Oh, you son of a bitch. What do you mean,

kept in the loop?

General, we are the loop.

We're not gonna cut you out,

but we do need to take control.

We're just following protocol,

Ira. You remember protocol.

I got some protocol right here for you,

Russell. Come and get it!

Look, the simple fact is,

this research must continue...

under careful government

control and scrutiny.

We've already

secured the area.

We're constructing

an air lock into the cavern...

and a state-of-the-art

field research facility.

So, you see,

there's not a whole lot...

for the science department of Glen

Canyon Community College to do here.

Did you catch that condescending tone with

he says "Glen Canyon Community College"?

We are following well

established federal guidelines.

Please,

Russell. Don't pull this crap. We deserve to be here.

You deserve

to be here?

You're lucky anybody's ever let you

near a science laboratory again, Ira.

You're a disgrace,

and a dangerous one at that.

Lieutenant,

show these men out.

This is horseshit.

This is not over.

You're in for a fight,

Russell.

Would you stop following me,

please? Thank you.

We're not gonna

bend over and take this!

Fruit basket

for Russell Woodman!

Happy holidays,

General!

Cute.

Dr. Kane, are you asking me

to bar the federal government...

from involvement in a discovery

as significant as this one?

No,

not at all. We're asking you to make sure...

that the local scientists who

actually made the discovery...

continue to play

a significant role.

They've kept us out

for almost two weeks.

We put our lives on the line to find these little guys,

Your Majesty.

We just want to be there

for them as they grow up.

We were the first team

at the meteor site,

and all the initial testing

was done in our lab, Judge.

The facilities at Glen Canyon

Community College are a joke.

They weren't a joke

when I went there, General.

Okay.

Your Honor,

if the court would allow me to depose Dr. Kane?

Depose me?

We think your past

is very relevant, Dr. Kane.

These issues speak directly to

his competence as a scientist.

Dr. Kane, you were

a top-level researcher...

at USAMRID from '94 to '97,

were you not? Yes, that's correct.

And you were summarily

dismissed in the summer of 1997.

Any idea why?

My services were

no longer required?

Uh-huh. So in your opinion,

your firing...

had nothing to do with an

experimental anthrax vaccine...

that you developed and administered

to nearly 140,000 U.S. soldiers...

in May of that year?

[WHISPERING] I see

where you're going with this.

It may have been a factor. You'd

have to ask the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

I'll make a note to do that,

but for now,

can you tell me what happened to the

soldiers that were inoculated with your vaccine?

Well, none of them got anthrax,

if that's what you're asking.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

What did they get?

Um, well, as with

any new vaccine,

there were certain side

effects associated with it.

Could you be more specific?

It was a wide range of

things. It's very technical.

I'd hate to waste the court's

time getting into it right now.

Humor me.

Some, uh, debilitating

stomach cramps.

Severe diarrhea.

Memory loss.

Yes. Go on.

Any more symptoms?

Partial facial paralysis,

temporary blindness, drooling,

bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction,

uncontrollable flatulence.

I think that's it.

One more question.

Do you happen to remember...

what the soldiers

called this illness, Dr. Kane?

Yeah. They called it

the Kane Madness.

Keep your head up.

You know she wants

to give you some, right?

Were you even

in that courtroom?

Getting barbecued like baby back ribs? It's all foreplay,

baby.

Oh! We've been hit.

Forget the foreplay.

We just got screwed.

Empty. Bad. This is very,

very bad.

Damn it!

I don't care who they are!

Stealing is stealing!

Perfect.

They took the rock, the samples,

all the little wormy critters.

All the data's gone... the JPEG files,

the DNA sequences.

They cleaned us out.

I'm calling the cops.

The cops?

They are the cops!

Then what?

Let me ask you

something.

How come you get to be a colonel,

and I'm just a private?

I was a colonel. You obviously

served your country with distinction.

Consider yourself lucky. The penalty for

impersonating an officer is 5 years in prison.

Yeah, maybe for you,

white boy.

Me, they hang.

Colonels first.

I was out here for 12 hours.

My toes are starting to hurt

from standing.

Stop it.

Just act like you belong.

Don't worry. I got this.

Pick up that butt, soldier.

Sorry, sir.

And tuck that shirt in.

Yes, sir.

Get the door.

Get the door.

Thank you, Private.

Don't get used to this.

Whoo-hoo.

Look at that.

Enjoy your lunch,

gentlemen.

ALLISON:

Okay, I'll be right back.

Oh, your girlfriend,

eleven o'clock.

Oh. Darn it.

The woman's a menace.

Testing, one, two, one, two.

One, one, one, one, two.

This is deejay Harry Block here,

and I'm an Aquarius.

Harry,

will you stop it? I can hear you. Don't you snap at me,

unless you want an angry

Solid Gold dancer on your hands.

Lieutenant?

Excuse me.

Yeah?

Who's that?

I don't know.

I don't have anything

on my schedule.

Maybe it's the guys from sector

12 doing a nocturnal specimen run.

You know how those guys are. Oh,

yeah.

This place has changed.

[BELL DINGS, AIR HISSING]

Oh, my God.

Can you believe this?

Harry, look at that.

Our little babies

are growing up.

Three weeks, it's already

like a rain forest in here.

HARRY: Ugh. Looks like the

kitchen from my first apartment.

Hey, Harry,

check that guy out.

Is it coming or going?

The tree just ate it.

Everything down here seems

to be food for something else,

so let's try to stay off the menu,

huh? Got that right.

[SQUEAKS]

Oops.

Ira, come here.

Look at these little things.

Oh, cool.

Hey, snag one.

Snag one? Yeah. Snag

one and put him in the bucket.

I seen this movie. The black

dude dies first. You snag it.

Don't be scared. We came for a specimen,

now snag one.

Come on. It's not gonna hurt

you. He's turned the other way.

He's eating.

Come on. Come on,

my little red lobster.

Come on, my sexy

little crustacean. Come on.

Whoa!

Ohh!

Ira, look at that backside.

Theater in the round.

That's the kind of trunk space

you want in a late model car.

Who does that

remind you of?

I have no idea

what you're talking about.

She's been

throwing it at you enough.

Dr. Reed?

Bull's-eye.

Excuse me,

Dr. Reed. Did you authorize a walk-through?

No. Why?

Um, you should probably

take a look at something.

Here.

HARRY: That's the kind

of rump you'd like to roast.

Kind of mother you like to butter.

IRA: That is a nice image.

And I appreciate

your assumption...

that there is an actual

sexual human being...

underneath all Dr. Reed's deep-seated neuroses,

but I don't think so.

What?

Yeah.

IRA: I think she is a

humorless ice queen.

HARRY: Ira,

that's just a cover. Don't you know that?

All she needs is

a good humping.

[MOCKING ORGASM]

Oh, Ira. Ira!

Ira! Stop that. We gotta

get a piece of the asteroid.

And cut that out.

It disturbs me.

Ira! Don't do that

behind my back like that.

I'm not doing it.

Cut it out.

Okay, I'm just walking.

Ira!

[HAMMERING ROCK]

Let's bag that and

get the hell out of here.

I'm ready when you are,

Colonel.

This disco suit is making

me chafe. [BUZZING]

Oh, shoo, fly!

Hey, hold it right there.

Dr. Reed, so nice

to see you again.

We were just leaving. You're in

direct violation of the judge's orders.

I could have you arrested right

now. Wanna talk about violations?

What about our lab?

Anybody got a can of Raid?

What are you talking about? You stole

our computer hard drive, our samples,

our files, everything.

I didn't steal anything.

Your buddies cleaned us out. Those guys right there. No,

we didn't.

Damn right. You've been trying

to grab credit on our discovery.

All we're trying to do is take back

a piece of what's rightfully ours.

I'm concerned

with public safety.

Is this true? Are you aware of any of this,

Flemming?

No. Absolutely not. Hey,

there's something in my suit.

Don't believe him! He admitted

to hacking into our computer!

There's something in my suit.

Harry, what?

Ira, there's something

in my suit!

That's impossible!

It is sealed!

The fly!

There's a fly in my suit!

Oh,

God! Don't take off your helmet!

Turn up the oxygen!

It'll kill it!

[AIR HISSING]

You see it?

Look. Do you see it?

No. You're all right.

Okay.

Who's the man? You're

the man. I'm the man.

You're the man.

Okay. [SIGHS]

Oh, my God.

[BUZZING]

[SCREAMS]

It's in me!

Harry!

[SCREAMING]

For the love of everything good and holy,

get this goddamn thing out of me!

You're gonna be okay,

Harry. Cut him open! Let's get this thing!

Cut me open? There goes

your Christmas gift, Judas!

It's moving down his leg.

What do we do? We

might have to amputate.

Don't take the leg! Ira,

don't let them take my leg!

Is there anything else you can

do? He thinks he's an athlete.

Doctor, look.

Ooh.

It's heading for his testicles.

Take it! Take the leg!

Wait, wait!

No, no, no, no!

It's going the other way.

Give me some forceps.

I might be able to catch it in

his colon. How are you going in?

Rectally.

Noooo!

I'll get lubricant.

There's no time for lubricant.

There's always time for lubricant! All right,

flip him!

Okay, here we go.

Try to relax, buddy.

It's gonna be okay.

I'll shove this gurney up

your ass! See if you relax!

Cheek spreader.

All right. I'm going in.

[GRUNTING]

Don't clench. Don't

clench. You're so brave.

You're so brave.

A little more.

No more!

A little deeper.

No... deeper! Squeeze

my hand. Squeeze it!

Almost there.

Open up.

Breathe.

Breathe.

I'm breathing!

Almost there.

You're there!

[STRAINING]

Ohh!

It's over, it's over.

It just died.

Don't you ever do that again!

Should've seen that thing. It

was like this! You took it like a man.

You're all right. You did

great. Can we get you anything?

Ice cream. I'd like an ice cream,

please. What flavor?

Doesn't matter.

It's for my ass.

♪♪ [POP]

[HORN HONKING]

♪♪ [CONTINUES]

Man! Now I'm

a Hawaiian warrior?

You know, I'm thinking seriously

about moving maybe down to California.

Start over. Because

of the fireman thing?

Big deal.

You flunked out.

You know how many times

I've flunked in my life? A ton.

Hey, pool boy,

you watering down the mai tais?

No, sir, but let me

fix you something special.

'Cause you're nothing

but a big, fat monkey turd.

Excuse me?

What?

Your drink's

almost ready.

Here you go.

That should tide you over.

♪♪ [CONTINUES]

♪ He even sews ♪

♪ And don't forget, folks

That's what you get, folks ♪

♪ For makin' ♪

♪ A little whoopee ♪♪

♪♪ [HUMMING]

[STRAINING]

[POP]

[YELLS]

Damn it!

That's gonna stain.

♪♪ [HUMMING]

Barry!

Barry, where are you?

I can't see you.

Where are you?

I'm down here, my pet,

by the water.

[SCREAMING]

No!

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

♪♪ [CONTINUES]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Something just ate

Barry Cartwright!

[PEOPLE GASPING]

Oh. That's too bad.

ALLISON: I don't get it. How does

someone with your background,

credentials and talent...

end up... like you?

Thank you.

Your partner could've died.

What were you thinking?

I was desperate.

I've been exiled out here

in Arizona for five years...

watching the world

pass me by,

and this amazing discovery

literally falls into my lap.

I look at it as

my ticket out of here.

But I don't suppose that

you would understand that.

Oh, no, how could I?

I'm just a humorless ice maiden in

desperate need of a good humping.

You heard that, huh?

Loud and clear.

Don't think you know so

much about me. You don't.

I'm sure I don't.

Thank you for not

calling the cops.

HARRY:

Ohh! Ohh!

Be careful!

Stop being such a baby.

We've seen

that car before.

[GROANS]

No more bran for me.

Hey, girls.

Hey.

Cut it out.

Hey, it's the meteor guy.

What's in the bag,

your blow-up doll?

Oh,

no. I got something that you're really gonna like.

What happened

to you?

Shut up.

You guys teach here?

Yeah.

I was thinking about

taking some classes,

but I decided to hit the job market

early and get a jump-start on things.

Can we help you?

Yeah. A guy got killed at

my country club last night.

A real douche bag,

but that just doesn't make it right, you know?

It was an animal attack.

Isn't that something?

It happened by the water

hazard on the fourth green.

The lady he was banging

saw the whole thing.

Anyhow, we chased

this sucker on the fairway,

and then it died

in a sand trap.

It just died? How?

Like it was choking

to death. [GASPING]

You know?

Stopped breathing.

Anyway, it's like nothing

I ever saw before.

I thought you guys might

want to take a look at it.

[WOMEN CHATTERING]

Jill, you've got some kind

of infestation here.

Huh?

You have

a serious bug problem.

What?

Jill, there's... there's

something in your closet.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Open the door, Grace.

Me? It's your house.

Oh.

Hey, when did you guys

get a dog?

We don't have

a damn dog.

I don't think that's a dog.

It's like some kind of rodent.

Or a muskrat or pig.

Well, how the hell

did it get in here?

Doesn't look too healthy,

does it?

Well, it's frightened.

Look. He can barely breathe,

he's so scared.

Come on, cutie pie.

Uh-huh. Don't be afraid.

Come on.

That's a good boy.

[GROWLS]

[SCREAMING]

Yes, yes. 911?

[GRUNTS]

What the hell is that thing?

[AIR HISSING]

Thanks. Um,

pick me up in an hour.

No, two. Oh, like an hour

and a half will be good.

Thanks.

Hi. Do you have

any messages for me?

Two single beds, please.

We're fighting.

Ira, come on. I'm tired. I've had,

like, two hours of sleep.

I gotta go take a shower.

They're spreading.

You're talking about the

golf course? We're all over it.

Woodman sent a team

out there two hours ago.

Well, it's too bad you missed the five-foot

amphibian that's lying dead in my lab.

They're adapting.

We got to shut it down.

No, you're overreacting.

We can handle this.

I used to be arrogant

like you.

We're both aware

of what that led to.

Take me seriously,

Allison.

I do take you seriously.

Then you got to talk to Woodman

because he won't listen to me.

We got to kill these

things while we still can.

All right. I'll discuss it with him,

but I can't promise you anything.

Thank you.

Okay.

Oh, just

one more thing.

Yeah.

Do you think you could

ever be attracted to me?

Bye, Ira.

Just food for thought.

Yeah. She's mine.

HARRY: I've been an adjunct

professor for going on four years now,

but I'm hoping

this whole alien brouhaha...

will net me an honorary

doctorate somewhere.

You gonna finish

that bacon?

Yeah, I'm gonna finish it.

I ordered it, didn't I?

So, um,

about the coaching... girls volleyball?

Mm-hmm.

Do you ever get to see

them take showers?

Yeah. All the time.

Sometimes I shower with them.

You're kidding me,

right?

Hey.

So?

She's gonna talk

to Woodman.

Ah. Thank goodness.

Coffee? Thank you.

Mm. I'm okay.

So level with me,

fellas.

Is there some sort of alien...

attack happening here?

We don't know.

Excuse me. Can I

borrow your cream?

Hi, Denise.

Hello, Ira.

Still setting the

world on fire? Ow.

That's Ira's ex over there

sitting with the cop.

What's with the police escort? You're

not under arrest? I don't see any handcuffs.

[LAUGHS] That's funny. This is my friend,

Sam.

He's about to make detective.

I know Sam. We go way back.

Hey,

congratulations, Sam.

Maybe you can look into what

happened to my missing shirts.

Did I tell you about that? She walked out with,

like, two or three of my shirts.

I mean, is it... I'm not up on the law,

you know, like law enforcement,

but is it against the law when

you walk out of somebody's house...

with what they own?

You want your shirt?

Seriously, take it. No,

no, no. Oh, come on.

You must be cold, right?

Are you cold? Is that it?

Why should I get to wear

the shirt when it's your shirt?

It's amazing how many women

just... They open their shirt to him.

I'm sure he'll let you

borrow the shirt for just today.

Isn't that right,

Professor? Uh...

DISPATCHER: We have a

code 1272 over in Valley Vista.

1272?

That's an animal attack.

1099 responding.

Got to go, babe.

Now?

They're calling.

Wait. Be careful out there.

Oh, you'll take care

of the check, right?

Yeah.

Hey, I want those

shirts back, Denise.

Hey, you got to admit,

this animal attack has kind of an ominous feel to it,

doesn't it?

Check it out?

Check it out.

All right!

All right, looks like we're

under the microscope here,

so let's be very systematic

and subtle in what we do.

No cowboy stuff, okay?

No problem.

Professionals.

Officer Johnson.

All right, fellas,

what are you doing here?

We heard about the animal

attack. And part of our job...

at the college and state health department

is to ascertain if there's any health risk here.

Okay,

you know what? No. Not this time. Forget about it.

You didn't touch it with your bare

hands? That would be a serious no-no.

You did? He touched it.

He shouldn't have touched it.

What do we do? I don't know.

He shouldn't have touched it.

Okay, why don't you guys

come on in and take a look?

I'll be checking things out

around here in this vicinity.

Ooh! Ooh.

This dog is all ass.

Ira, look at this, man.

He would've come

from in here, right?

It's just used for storage

and access under the house.

Looks like he crawled right

through the dirt right there.

Hey, guys.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I was, uh, conducting

a parameter check,

and, uh, there's something

you better see.

If you guys liked that thing,

you're gonna love this.

What is it?

What is it?

Oh! Oh!

Great googa-mooga!

What did I tell you?

[GRUNTING]

IRA:

See, they're crawling out.

They're trying to breathe

in our atmosphere.

Fortunately, they haven't

been able to adapt yet.

Hey, Ira.

Yeah?

I think I know how

these things got here.

How?

Well, this entire area is just a

honeycomb of caves and old mine shafts.

If memory serves,

the Moenave cave system...

starts just a few miles

from here.

It's west of the golf course.

Runs into the foothills,

continues down to the Kaibab

Plateau and goes right into Lake Powell.

Our cave...

is smack dab in the

middle of the system.

It's all connected.

Could you repeat that?

I'm impressed.

Hey, beneath this calm,

sexy exterior beats the heart of a true scientist.

Whoa, guys.

That one's moving.

What the hell

is it doing?

[GRUNTING]

I think

it's trying to breathe.

Oh! That's like

a big loogie.

[GROANING]

Mazel tov. It's a boy.

It's oxygen tolerant.

It's flying away.

Is that a bad thing?

Only if you're

a human being.

MAN: You know how

much I hate shopping.

We need to find you something nice

for Thanksgiving. I've got enough clothes.

Tony, I think

that color's great on you.

[SHRIEKING]

Whoa!

[SCREAMING]

[HORN HONKING]

I think this might

be the place.

You ever used

one of these before?

Just 'cause I'm a schoolteacher

don't make me a pussy.

Hey, ladies, there's a flying

extraterrestrial in the store. Can we focus?

♪♪ [GIRL SINGING]

[BANGING] ♪ Won't you

get me On the highway ♪

I'm in here.

Just a minute.

♪♪ [CONTINUES]

[BANGING]

Just a second, please.

[BANGING CONTINUES]

I said just a second!

Bitch!

[BANGING CONTINUES]

How would you like me...

to scratch the eyes

out of your skull?

[SNIFFING]

Here, birdie, birdie, birdie,

birdie, birdie, birdie!

Birdie!

Ca-ca-ca-ca-

ca-ca-ca-caw!

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

[QUIETLY]

Ca-caw.

All right.

If I was a giant,

nasty alien bird in a department store,

where would I be?

Lingerie.

Not you. The bird.

Lingerie.

Help!

You go low. I'm

going high. Got it.

We're never gonna

find this damn thing.

I lost him! How do you

lose a 20-foot bird in a mall?

HARRY:

Ira, I don't know.

So what do we do now?

Ca-caw.

Ca-caw. Ca-caw.

Tookie-tookie! Ca-caw!

Ca-caw! Ca-ca-caw! Wayne.

I think

we've established...

that "ca-caw,

ca-caw" and "tookie-tookie" don't work.

Right. Sorry.

All right, so what do you say,

Ira? Pack it in?

WAYNE:

♪ You are ♪

♪ So beautiful ♪

♪ To me ♪

Step back, Harry.

I'm gonna shoot him.

No. Stand down. I'm gonna

kill this one myself.

Give me a chance.

I'm communicating here.

♪ You are so beautiful ♪

♪ To me ♪ Wayne,

would you please stop?

Because you're

embarrassing me.

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ You're every... ♪

[SHRIEKING]

♪ You're everything

That I hope for ♪

[SHRIEKING, GROWLING]

It's working. Yeah. Sing.

Sing. Rub some funk on it.

♪ And you're

Everything I need ♪

[SHRIEKING]

♪ You are so beautiful ♪

Here he comes. Grab the girl.

I'm gonna get the bird. Got it.

♪ You are so beautiful ♪

♪ To me ♪

♪ To me ♪♪

[SHRIEKING]

Yeah!

GIRL: Oh, my God!

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

All right! Nice shot!

I am so sorry.

I promise.

I swear to God I will

never shoplift again.

Good.

So what do you want,

light meat or dark?

You have to ask?

[GROWLING]

It's dead now.

Yep.

♪ Hey, do it, y'all ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Once I was

A boogie singer ♪

♪ Got to start

To feeling so low ♪

♪ And I decided quickly

Yes, I did ♪

♪ To disco down

And check out the show ♪

♪ Yeah, they were dancin'

And singin' ♪

♪ And movin'

To the groovin' ♪

♪ And just when it hit me ♪

♪ Somebody turned around

And shouted ♪

♪ Play that funky music,

White boy ♪

♪ Play that

Funky music right ♪♪

I'm standing at the edge of the

Valley Vista housing community...

where just below me there are dozens

of giant odd-looking dead creatures.

Now, we should

stress to our viewers...

that to this point,

we have received no official word...

All that I saw was this ugly tentacle

thing come out of the ground...

and tried to grab

my private parts.

I batted it away.

It got my hand.

WOMAN: ...of anxiety and confusion

in the greater Glen Canyon area.

And so we stand outside

the state capitol building,

awaiting any comment

from the governor's office...

concerning the nature and origin

of these extraordinary creatures.

Governor Lewis,

this way.

Can somebody here tell me

why I was not informed...

that we have goddamn aliens

crawling all over my beloved state?

Right now I've got 400 meat-picking

media vultures camped outside my office.

They know more about

this thing than I do.

Now, I ought to throw the whole goddamn,

jacked-up bunch of you in prison.

Not that cushy federal place

with the loose jumpsuits.

State prison

with the crotch binders.

I'm terribly sorry, Governor,

but there were some earlier security

breaches made by Dr. Kane and his team.

Wait a minute. Excuse me. We thought

it best to keep the lid on the situation...

in the interest of national

security. That is not exactly true.

I believe the governor's question was directed at me,

Dr. Reed.

Okay, put a plug in it. I'm not

interested in your bureaucratic crapola.

What I really wanna know

is how bad this thing is.

It's bad, Governor.

Now, according to the new ground

sensors and the satellite thermal scans,

they indicate

a potential problem.

I don't know how to read all

this. What kind of a problem?

Now, somebody, please take this ugly

bag of snakes and lay 'em out straight for me.

Now, please, allow me.

And you are?

Dr. Allison Reed. How do you do? Carla,

would you mind?

Okay, the red markings

in these projections...

indicate the growth

of the alien ecosystem.

Unless we do

something immediately,

we will lose Glen Canyon

in three days.

Great merciful Christ.

REED: In a week,

the rest of Arizona.

Then the entire southwest.

In two months,

the United States officially belongs to them.

And we are extinct.

You got to be shitting me.

Come on. Admit it.

You're glad to see us. Huh?

I, for one, am glad to see you. Call

the M.P.'s. Have these men arrested.

Hey,

we just blew a giant alien bird out of a department store.

We're covering up

your mess.

Governor, Dr. Ira Kane.

I'm the chairman...

of the science department at the

Glen Canyon Community College.

This is my associate. Harry Phineas Block,

adjunct professor of geology.

Voted for you.

Wayne Grey.

I took some chemistry

in high school.

Now, you two gentlemen are the

original discoverers of the phenomena.

Yes, sir.

That's correct.

Yes, they are, and they're also

responsible for the mess we're in right now.

What?

Here we go.

They broke into the contained area

and breached our safety procedures.

Unwittingly causing the dissemination of

alien organisms outside the secured area.

Liar, liar,

pants on fire! Criminal charges are in order here!

This is bullshit! Shut up,

all of you! Listen.

My state out there is being

overrun by vicious aliens.

Now, you're all supposed

to be the experts.

I wanna know right now

and I wanna know it quick.

How the hell are you

supposed to deal with this?

This is an outline of the

infected area as of this afternoon.

Now, Governor, my plan

is to evacuate everyone...

from within five miles

of the perimeter.

Evacuation? You're

talking about 10,000 people.

Yes, sir. We evacuate,

make it safe...

and then we burn the alien

menace right the hell out of there.

With what?

With napalm.

Lots and lots of napalm.

Napalm? Why don't you just

nuke 'em while you're at it?

What about nukes?

Pull your horns in there,

boys. Nobody's dropping an H-bomb on my state.

All this talk about napalm and burning

things makes me very damn nervous.

Well, it should. We have no idea how they'd

react to such an attack on a cellular level.

Governor,

it is time for a military solution. This will work.

What? Sorry to interrupt.

You better take a look at this.

What?

Clear out.

Right away, sir.

What?

What, you called me out

for this?

Sir, one of the creatures

just destroyed video four.

What's going on

down there?

IRA: My God. They've

evolved into primates.

Oh! Now, that's

a face for radio.

Whoa!

They just took out

six and seven.

All the monitors are down.

Well, that can't be good.

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

That's the elevator.

We have no personnel

down there.

They breached

the air lock.

What,

the fuzzy no-nose chimp? Call for backup.

[BELL RINGING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

IRA: They're coming

through the elevator!

Cover the elevator! Just stay back

behind me! Stay back behind me!

Get the hell off me!

I wanna see this thing!

Be prepared to fire.

It's empty, sir.

[ELECTRICITY ARCING]

[ROARING]

The governor! The

governor! Don't shoot!

Help me!

[GROANING]

[ROARS]

Somebody do something!

Hold your fire. Hold your fire.

You're gonna get

somebody killed.

[PANTING]

Nice shot.

I'll take that now.

General,

you have my full support...

to do whatever you need to do,

however much firepower it takes.

You can melt the whole

place down to beaded glass...

if that's what it takes.

Just get these hell-blown creazoids

out of my state. Thank you, Governor.

I'll be ready to go by noon tomorrow. Good,

sir.

Where have you two been? I

was just getting out of the way.

Get me out of here!

Science project's over.

I want you

and your people gone.

Soldier,

escort these men out. Yes, sir.

Don't you

have work to do?

You are such an asshole.

You know, when a woman expresses anger,

it's often because...

Shut up, Flemming.

Shut up.

Okay, okay.

I know where the car is.

Wipe my ass too?

Hey, guys!

Got room for one more?

Hell, yeah.

Who wants to be deputy

director of the C.D.C. anyway?

The real money's

in the private sector.

Are you sure about this? Oh,

yeah.

Uh, listen. It may

not seem like much now,

but I managed to get your research

files and your original samples.

So, if we survive this,

you guys will get the credit.

Thank you. No. Thank... No,

it's nothing.

Let me get it.

No. I got it.

All right.

ALLISON: Ooh!

Sorry. Excuse me. We haven't

been formally introduced yet.

I'm Wayne Grey. Oh,

hey, I'm kind of with him.

Oh. That's cool.

Buckle up, Allison. We're rolling. Okay. Oh,

my goodness!

[HORNS HONKING]

Man Over P.A.: I Facilities are

being provided for you and your family.

Please move

in an orderly fashion.

They're gonna blow up

the whole town.

Hey! Hold it!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Where the hell you going?

♪ Get up, get up, get up

Drop the bombshell ♪

♪ Get up, get up

This is out of control ♪

♪ Get up, get up, get up

Drop the bombshell ♪

♪ Get up, get up ♪

Man Over P.A.: I Attention. We need to clear this area,

people.

For your own safety,

evacuate immediately.

[MAN SPEAKING,

INDISTINCT]

Hey, Professor Kane!

Arizona, it's going down,

baby! Whoo!

This may not be the best time

for you boys to be drinking.

♪ This is out of control ♪

♪ Get up, get up, get up

Drop the bombshell ♪

♪ Get up, get up ♪♪

I was your first.

Remember,

we discovered you in that cave. You were scared and alone.

It was just you,

me and Harry in the beginning.

Those were good times, huh?

So why don't you

level with me now?

You can trust me.

Just talk to me.

Just tell me the secret.

Tell me the answer.

Tell me how to kill you.

You are losing it, pal.

What is

that stuff anyway?

Some of the original liquid

material from inside the meteor.

Why hasn't it evolved

like the rest? I don't know.

Uh, maybe because

it was refrigerated.

It was locked in an airtight case. It

didn't have anything to metabolize with.

But regardless,

that doesn't give us any kind of clue as to...

When did you start smoking? Not

much of a point to clean living anymore.

Whoo!

Ooh!

Whoa.

Those things react to fire

like it was Miracle-Gro.

Fire.

The organisms

were dormant in space.

Then they collided with

the earth's atmosphere and bam!

Heat. Fire.

That's the catalyst.

So if a little, teeny match

catalyzes this stuff like this,

what's a ton

of napalm gonna do?

So much

for the military option.

You better call

that dick general.

FLEMMING: That's

a lot of napalm.

WOODMAN:

Yes, it is.

We're going to blow those

damn creatures straight to hell.

We'll flush them out

along the mine shafts...

and then mop up the edges as

they run trying to escape the flames.

Excuse me,

General. There's an urgent call from Dr. Reed.

She says she has important

information about the mission.

Oh, really? Well, unfortunately,

I'm not available.

Anything more?

No, sir.

He blew me off.

Can you believe it?

That bastard wouldn't

even take my call.

You did call him

an asshole.

Hey, Dr. K.

We got beer.

Time to party.

Well,

I'll take one of those. Me too. I just quit smoking.

What are you boys doing here? Thought

you could use a brewski to mellow out.

Kick back and chill.

DANNY: Yeah.

Have a beer,

relax. It's gonna help you with your research.

DANNY: Yeah,

help you with your research.

Whoa.

Look at that thing.

Whoa. Hey,

can we have that when you guys are done with it?

Fellas, thank you for your help and for the beers,

but, really, we're working here.

Hold it. Hold it.

Look at that.

What are you doing?

Selenium.

It could be the answer.

I'm looking at the periodic

table on your T-shirt here...

and I'm seeing

this pattern emerge.

Take off your shirt. I'll

show you. BOTH: Yes!

No, I don't think so.

All right, look.

We are a carbon-based life-form. Keep pulling,

Dr. K.

We move down here and you found our poison,

arsenic.

But the aliens are

nitrogen-based, right?

You make the same move,

down and over,

and where do you

find yourself?

Selenium.

IRA: Selenium.

It could be as lethal to

them as arsenic is to us.

And with their metabolic rates,

it'll kill them fast.

Okay. Selenium.

How much do we need?

Five hundred gallons

could do it... should do it.

Five hundred gallons?

IRA: Yeah.

Um, I hate to be a buzzkill,

but where are we gonna get

that at 2:00 in the morning?

No problem.

Yeah, we can get that.

Head & Shoulders.

The dandruff shampoo?

Yeah,

that's the stuff. The active ingredient is selenium sulfide.

Oh.

How do you know that?

You don't know anything.

Haven't you noticed how shiny

and flake-free our hair is?

Okay, this is

the best idea we got.

Let's give it a shot.

Come on. Let's do it. Yeah.

Yeah. We'll get the troops

together. We're getting shampoo!

I've got the perfect

vehicle. Good.

Donalds,

you just got your A's.

Yes!

Yeah!

Almost full.

There's something I feel I should tell you,

but I don't know exactly how.

Well, just say it.

We're adults.

And we're all about to die a very

horrible death soon anyway, so...

I would have rocked

your world.

You already have.

WAYNE: We're all full!

Battle stations!

[ALL CHEERING]

Can we continue this

discussion later? Yes.

Let's do this!

Let's shampoo us

some aliens!

MAN:

Left, right, left!

Lots of soldiers around.

Left, two, three, four!

Left, two, three, four!

Left, left!

There's an old abandoned silver

mine about half a click south of here.

We can sneak into the cave

through there.

IRA: "Half a click"? What are you,

in Vietnam?

Hey, I'm digging this. Work with me,

baby. Work with me.

It's over here!

It's right here!

Are you okay?

I'm good. I'm good.

Let's go.

Let's do this.

You sure this leads

to the main cavern?

It'll definitely lead us somewhere.

Geology's not an exact science.

HARRY:

Where are you?

Where are you,

my little aliens?

Show yourself.

Warm to the touch.

Ohh.

Highly acidic.

Harry, we do not have time for you

to act like you know what you're doing.

Hey, what happened

to the respect?

Woodman's going at

noon. We gotta hurry.

Very good.

Are the troops in place?

Ahead of schedule.

Excellent. We can go early.

Oh, no. What is

he doing here?

Governor Lewis. I don't

see anything burning.

Where are all the explosions?

We're just getting underway.

I didn't know you were

coming to see the show, sir.

Well, you damn well better make it a good one,

Sergeant. That's General.

Not if you screw this up. Keeping my chair warm for me,

are you?

Thank you.

I'll take a pair of spy

glasses and a hot chocolate.

Give me your hose, Wayne.

Get up top.

When I give you the signal,

start pumping the selenium.

Got it.

IRA: Okay,

we're gonna spray all around the meteor...

then get the hell out of here

as fast as we can.

[GROWLING]

Oh, oh. Blue monkey.

Blue monkey!

Wayne, charge the line now!

Whoa!

[GASPS]

[ROARS]

That's the napalm.

Oh! Woodman went early.

[EXPLOSION]

Ohh!

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!

Wayne, come on!

Okay, I'm out!

[SCREAMING]

We got to go!

Go! Go!

Faster! Get up there!

Run! Run for your life!

Go! Go! Go!

Quite the bonfire we got going there,

General Woodman.

Should've brought some wieners. That can be arranged,

Governor.

First reports from the field are excellent,

sir. Very good.

Keep it together, Wayne.

Keep it together.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

[ALL YELLING]

[ROARING]

What's happening?

It's coming! It's

coming! What's coming?

Get the hell

out of here!

Great flaming

whore balls!

General, look.

Ohh!

Hurry!

Drive!

Go! Go!

All right!

[SHRIEKING]

Oh, my God!

[YELLING]

Oh, my God.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Fall back. Fall back!

WAYNE: What

the hell is that thing?

The napalm forced

an evolutionary response,

just like the match

in the petri dish.

That's evolution?

Survival of the fittest. Often the

simplest organism is the strongest.

Um, guys?

It's freaking out.

DEKE: It's starting to have

some sort of spaz attack.

Oh, no.

That's not spazzing out.

It's getting ready to divide.

Mitosis.

Wait. There's gonna be

more of these things?

Yeah. A lot more. Its cycle

is starting all over again.

It's gonna go on growing

and doubling until it takes over.

Yeah. But we

were here first.

So that Head & Shoulders

idea... Is that still the plan or what?

I'm driving.

I don't care

if he's on Air Force One.

They've got phones on there.

I've see them.

I don't think

this is gonna wait an hour.

Hey, what's that fire truck

doing out there?

Ooh-whoo-hoo!

Mama.

Can you believe this?

We got to find

a point of attack.

[GROANING]

There!

Ooh!

[CREATURE FARTS]

Ohh! Nasty!

Allison, stop, stop, stop.

Right here. Right here.

Here we go.

Get the ladder up!

Feed me the hose, Deke. Whoa,

whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

I'm going up top.

Not before me. I got

a major score to settle.

Go! Go! Go!

We don't have

much time, guys!

Hurry!

Left!

Left!

All right,

I got it. I haven't had too much practice with this thing.

Whoo-whoo!

Stop! Stop!

What's going on? I don't know.

But that damn thing's getting bigger.

What the hell are those

guys doing with that ladder?

Looks like they're getting ready

to administer a jumbo enema.

We got one shot.

Let's do this.

It's payback time!

Whew! Whew!

Keep it in there!

What's it look

like I'm doing?

It's working!

Shit!

Whoa!

What the hell?

HARRY: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Give me back my friend,

you big sphincter!

She's gonna blow!

Will you stop kicking?

It's horrible in here!

I gotcha!

Help me, please!

I got you! Hold

me! Don't let me go!

We gotta get out of here!

This thing's gonna blow!

You cannot imagine what

I've seen in there!

Hurry up, guys!

Come on!

Ira, don't you ever tell

anyone where I've been!

Dear Lord.

Uh-oh. Time to go.

[ALL YELLING]

Go!

Go!

Go!

Whoa! We did it!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Here we go,

sir. Just relax and we'll have you just as good as new.

[YELLING]

LEWIS: I am happy to report...

that absolutely all remaining traces of the

alien menace have now been eradicated...

using the selenium shampoo

formula developed right here.

Now, let me introduce our civilian

scientist heroes and their team,

the best that the great state of

Arizona has been privileged to produce.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERS]

So this is your moment.

You wouldn't wanna miss

this for anything, huh?

LEWIS: Firstly,

I would like you all to meet Wayne Grey.

[APPLAUSE] As of today,

fully credentialed firefighter.

I spoke to the chief.

Ah, thanks, Governor.

Now our next hero,

Professor Harry Block, noted geologist...

and the winningest coach in

North Arizona women's volleyball.

I appreciate that, Governor.

Very kind.

First of all, let's give it up to God. With Him,

all things are possible.

WOMAN: Amen! Basically,

we just played tough defense.

Took it one alien at a time,

and we were able to come away with the big "W."

Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

WOMAN:

You're a hero!

And finally,

Drs. Ira Kane and Allison Reed,

whose tireless efforts,

research and academic findings led to the...

I think he's giving her

a bit of the Kane Madness.

Wow. Fighting the alien

menace can be tough work.

And so is keeping your hair clean,

shiny and dandruff-free.

So it's a good thing that we

always keep a healthy supply of...

ALL: Head & Shoulders

around the house.

♪ Please let me comfort you ♪

♪ It's the end of the world

Right now ♪

♪ Please let me kiss

Your lips ♪

♪ It's the last

Living on earth ♪

♪ Would you love me ♪

♪ If it were the end

Of the world right now ♪

♪ Let's pretend it is ♪

♪ The last living

On earth right now ♪♪

♪♪ [WOMAN VOCALIZING]

♪ Love doesn't think ♪

♪ Love doesn't look ♪

♪ Love takes a flying leap

Off the bridge ♪

♪ Love swallows the hurt ♪

♪ Love doesn't sleep ♪

♪ Love is out of control ♪

♪ Love is only human ♪

♪ It can swallow you whole ♪

♪ Anyway

The main thing is ♪

♪ We groove in a dream ♪

♪ We groove in a dream ♪

♪ Love doesn't think ♪

♪ Love doesn't look ♪♪

♪ I've thought about it

Time away ♪

♪ And it's taking a toll ♪

♪ It's hard to break away

From lovin' ♪

♪ When it feels so good ♪

♪ We're always

Laughing and singing ♪

♪ And groovin' and lovin'

And reachin' for more ♪

♪ I cannot sleep on it tonight

But tomorrow will bring more ♪

♪ And it always lets you down

Come on now ♪

♪ So don't play around ♪

♪ On the borderline ♪

♪ The time is right ♪

♪ Are you satisfied ♪

♪ Are you satisfied ♪

♪ All right ♪♪