Evolution (2001) - full transcript

When a meteorite falls to Earth two college professors, Dr. Ira Kane and Prof. Harry Phineas Block, are assigned the job of checking the site out. At the site, they discover organisms not of this planet. Soon the site is taken over by the government, forcing Ira and Harry to the side. As the new life-forms begin to evolve and start to get more and more dangerous, it's up to the two professors to save the planet.

♪♪ [CAR STEREO - ROCK]

♪♪ [STOPS]

♪♪ [HUMMING]

[THUD]
Ow.

[STRAINING]

[SQUEAKS]

Despite all the warnings,
she was smoking in bed.

Fell asleep. Bad move.

[LIQUID POURING,
METAL CLANKS]

And the fire begins.

Show time.



[SCREAMING]

Don't worry, ma'am!
I'm here to save you!

Keep those people back!
This is an emergency!

[THUD, SQUEAK]
Don't you dare die on me!

Breathe, damn it, breathe!

She's gonna make it!
She's gonna make it!

[WHOOSHING]

What the...

[SCREAMS]

Oh, damn!

MAN:
Rick, wait up!

Okay, I'll check it out.

Though it may be hard to believe
that a single biology professor...

making in excess
of $17,500 a year...



could manage to find time to grade
your first biology research papers, I did.

As you can see,
there was a shocking statistical anomaly.

Pretty much all of you got A's.

[CHEERING]

You deserve
to congratulate yourselves.

I've got a real good feeling
about this group.

I think that the parade of A's
is gonna continue...

straight through
to the end of the semester.

So much for the bell curve.
Bell curves suck, man!

[APPLAUSE]
Mr. Kane!

Dr. Kane,
seems to be a mistake here.

You see, you see,
my brother and I each got a C-minus on our reports.

C-minus. Me too.

Allow me to share something
with the entire class.

Um, last night,
as I was grading papers,

I came across two gems,
both entitled "Cells are Bad."

Both with just
one paragraph,

which I unfortunately
committed to memory.

"Cells are bad."

"My uncle lives in a cell.
It's 10 foot by 12,"

"and he has to read the same
old boring magazine every day.

"The end."
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

You're talking about our papers,
aren't you, Dr. Kane? Yes, I am.

Although my standards are
nowhere near where they used to be,

I still could not bring myself to
put an "A" on top of those beauties.

I hope you understand, guys.
Sure.

Yeah, okay.

Let's get back to work
at the periodic table here,

which is not,
as some of you suppose...

A meteor? Where?

Uh-huh. Route 89-A.

Yeah, yeah, got it.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah,
rest assured, I will be there.

Okay, bye.

So how does it look,
Professor?

It's tight.

Uh, really, really tight,
Nadine, but not too tight.

You just don't have
the points. I'm sorry.

But don't take it too hard. Geology's
a lot tougher subject than people think.

Are you sure? Couldn't
you just check again?

I really need this credit
to get into nursing school.

Nursing school?

Wouldn't you be more comfortable
in a different profession,

one where people's lives
were not dependent on you?

Actually, what I really
want to be is Miss Arizona,

but my pageant consultant says that
nursing school will really impress the judges.

Makes me look like
I want to help people.

Ready for lunch?

Or... have you
already eaten?

I was just concluding a
teacher-student conference...

with Nadine here, Ira.
Harry,

your dedication to your job
is an inspiration to us all.

Regrettably, Nadine,
I have a prior lunch engagement with Professor Kane.

We'll talk about your
extra credit later, okay?

Cheer up.

Let me grab my stuff.
[COUGHS]

Where you taking me?
Meteor hit last night.

Oh, that's what that was.
Yep.

As the Glen Canyon official
representative of the U.S. Geological Survey,

I have been assigned
to check it out.

I'm taking you along in case I
actually have to do something scientific.

Then we eat. You're an official
representative of the U.S.G.S.?

Signed up
over the Internet.

What, were you on
some cheerleader site...

and you accidentally got
linked over to the U.S.G.S. site?

Something like that.

Watch her,
now. Take it easy. That's my baby.

There you go.
Take it easy.

Whoa! Whoa!
Come on!

Be careful! Who's gonna pay me
for the damage to my goddamn car?

Son, I told you,
we don't do that. It's force majeure.

Force majeure,
my ass! That car's a classic '73 Buick Riv.

Hey, now, who are you?

Harry Block,
United States Geological Survey.

This is my secretary,
Ira Kane.

We're here to investigate the meteor if,
indeed, that is what it is.

Of course it's damn meteor.
It almost blew up my damn car.

I'm still fuzzy on what you were
doing there in the middle of the night.

Yeah,
with Betty Lou here.

For the thousandth time,
I was practicing for my fireman's exam,

which, for your information,
started about seven minutes ago,

so I would really appreciate it
if you'd let me get outta here.

So you and the blonde
found the meteor?

Yeah,
I found it. It bounced my car 200 feet in the air.

Okay, can I go? Bob,
get him out of here right now.

Don't leave town.

Sheriff, is this the, um,

the point of penetration?

Yeah. It punched through into
a cavern about 80 feet down.

[WHISTLES]

Now, that's a hole.

[GROANS] Damn it! Next time,
you're carrying this case.

Hey, you're the U.S.G.S.
representative.

I believe that responsibility
comes with the badge.

Oh, my God.
Look at that.

I believe
we've located the target.

All right, two big smiles,
fellas. Cheese!

Okay, hold it up now.
All right?

Ohh!
Got it.

Ooh, it's hot. It's really hot. I'll hold you up,
okay?

Show me a little more
nightstick.

Look at these jackasses.
Muscles. Muscle pose.

Give me big smiles, fellas.
Looking good, fellas.

At ease, gentlemen!
The Feds are here.

Feds? What Feds?

Who let you down here? Let's not get combative,
Lieutenant.

The U.S.G.S.
and local law enforcement...

have a long history
of cooperation.

We're just down here to get some scientific samples,
if that's okay with you guys.

Uh, yeah, sure.

We got all the, uh,
photographic evidence we need. Carry on.

Thank you.
Keep up the good work.

Wow.

It just hit last night,
and it's got...

stuff growing on it.

Could be cave moss.

Cave moss after just a
few hours? That's peculiar.

Let's get a sample
and get out of here.

Ooh.

HARRY:
It's bleeding.

It's a rock that... bleeds.

Now that's
really peculiar.

Let's bag it.

I don't know if this whole Geological
Society gig is all it's cracked up to be.

I mean, yeah, it pads on my résumé,
but am I growing as a person?

Am I growing as a Division
Three women's volleyball coach?

Hmm?

Are you gonna do those spectro-thingie
tests it says to do in the guidebook?

Spectrograph. Yeah,
I will do a full spectroscopic analysis.

Your résumé will shine.

Good. I gotta get to the game.
Let me know if you find anything.

Ira,
are you sure you can handle this by your lonesome?

All right, all right.

That's impossible.

Ten base pairs.

That can't be.

[HORN BLOWS]
HARRY: We need this!

Come on,
ladies! Look alive up here! Look alive!

Tina, cover the line! When Lisa goes for the spike,
you've got to cover the line!

Lisa! Two hands,
okay? Two hands! Harry!

God gave you two goddamn
hands for a reason! Harry!

Big news.
The most amazing thing.

The meteor samples are
teeming with one-celled organisms.

Their metabolic rates
are off the charts.

They're dividing at an incredible
rate. It's practically exponential.

Their DNA has ten base pairs.

Ten base pairs. That's good to know. Thank you,
Ira.

Harry,
the DNA of all life on Earth has only four base pairs.

Come on, ladies!
Look alive!

Harry, these are organisms
from another world.

They're aliens.

Is the Nobel Prize
paid in installments...

or in a lump sum
like the lottery?

Let's not get ahead of
ourselves. Here. My office.

I'm not getting ahead of myself. I'm
concerned about the potential tax consequences.

Why in here? I just want
to be a little cautious.

Our discovery.

I'm all tingly.
Yeah.

Wow.

I'm no biologist,

but how many cells do
single-celled organisms have?

If we're gonna be
big important scientists,

you have to start
to act the part.

Why don't you
take a look?

There are multicellular
organisms in there.

[LAUGHS]
Yes, I know.

No,
but they weren't there before. So they snuck in.

No, there was
no sneaking in.

It's... It's...
No, it's too amazing.

What?
It's... It's...

It's like
they're evolving.

They're growing.

They're growing into
more complex organisms.

It's evolution.

Nobel, here we come.

Yeah,
but it's 200 million years worth in just a few hours.

That's fast.

You have no idea.

MAN: All right, get ready!
[SNORING]

On my signal! Go!

Come on!
Go, go, go, go!

Recruit, wake up.
Wake up!

Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

The hose!
This thing here!

Sorry.

Move it, move it, move it!
Wayne, go!

Go, go, go!
Go! Come on!

Ohh! Ohh!

[GROANING] Well, buddy,
these things happen.

There's another test
in six months.

Six months?
I can't wait six months.

Well, at least you still got the
pool gig over at the country club.

Great. Thanks a lot.

Ohh!
Drive careful.

I got it, I got it.
I do this.

Looks like we got
some visitors.

Okay, class, since this
is our first field trip,

I want you to obey a few
very simple rules, okay?

Ugh. Dirt.
Nice footwear.

Perfect for spelunking. I don't
want you to touch anything.

Don't move anything. Don't even
breathe unless we tell you to...

and wear your protective
gloves at all times.

Why do we have to do this? Firsthand field experience,
that's why.

The very meat and potatoes
of geology.

Is this gonna be
on the final? Yes.

Officer, nice to see you again. Hey,
Professor. What's up?

We came to pick up the rock.
Pick it up? What?

Yeah, well, we're...
Just orders from the U.S.G.S.

They want it under
controlled conditions.

It's very technical.

Oh, technical stuff.
It's technical.

So, yeah, okay.
Go right ahead.

We're just gonna haul it right on out of here. Sure,
go ahead.

Deke and Danny,
remember what we talked about, right?

You guys are in charge of the hoisting.
I want you to get the winch to the hole.

Okay, fellas,
stop nodding and just stare at me for a second, okay?

Focus.

You understand what I want you to do? Yeah,
we got you.

Yeah.
Go do it.

Ira, I'm picking up
a heavy creepy vibe here.

Yeah, a lot has changed.

Class, I know
these look like mushrooms,

but please try to refrain
from eating them.

Ugh!
It smells disgusting.

Nadine,
sometimes science stinks.

It's the game we play, baby.

Rotten egg smell.
Hydrogen sulfide, right?

Yeah, and ammonia and methane.
It's like it's converting the atmosphere.

Look at all this rudimentary
plant life. It's amazing.

I don't wanna get
all girly here,

but I think I feel something
wiggling around my toes.

The ground
does seem to be moving.

Whoa!

Flatworms.
Millions of them!

Eww! God! Ohh!

God!
Ohh! Whoa!

Barely 18 hours,
and we already have flatworms.

Look, look, look!
Hey, there they are!

Hi, Dr. Kane!
Hey, Dr. Kane!

Ohh!

Man,
I almost went down on that one! That was awesome.

Come here, little buddy.

I'm not gonna hurt you.
I'm not gonna hurt you.

You didn't hurt it.
You killed it.

The oxygen must have killed it.

Must need its own
atmosphere to live.

Yeah. Why don't you
grab a specimen jar?

We'll try to scoop some of the
atmosphere in there with them.

Took us two billion years to do
what they did in just a couple of days.

Yeah. Those little germs are the
embodiment of the American dream.

Ahem. I'm, um, so sorry to interrupt,
Professor Block,

but am I correct in assuming
that that little field trip...

fulfilled my missing
credit requirements?

You know, Nadine,
you're a very, very smart girl,

but if you would just focus...

Um, Professor,
the little wiggly worm things in there are breaking.

Ira, look.
Yeah.

IRA: No, it's not breaking. It's splitting.

It's mitosis.
That's how they reproduce.

No sex?
No time for sex.

Bummer.

Oh, little guys
are splitting again.

Put it away. Look,
we call no one, we tell no one.

This is our secret,
right?

What about the government? Is this the
kind of thing they usually get involved in?

No. No government. I know those
people. Absolutely not. You do?

Look, this is our discovery and we
have to maintain absolute control.

We have to do more research and check our findings,
document everything.

MAN:
Hey, Wayne.

[SIGHS]
What's this?

That would be
an all-cotton towel, sir.

I believe a Fieldcrest. It's a damp towel,
Wayne.

What the hell is a damp
towel doing on my chaise?

Okay. Let me go
take care of this for you.

You should, Wayne,
because you're the pool manager.

If anyone knows what to do about the dampness on my chair,
it's you.

"Oh, you know what to do with the
towels 'cause you're the pool boy."

What the hell?

[WATER BUBBLING]

Where did you guys
come from?

You're dead now.
[BUBBLING]

Whoa! What the...

Okay.

Hey, Harry, when I checked
the samples this morning,

I found
three different subspecies.

I mean, these things
are evolving so quickly.

God knows what we're
gonna find when we get back.

Whoa!
Whoa!

Please tell me there's
an air show today. Damn.

Ah, shit.

Can I help you?
Harry Block, Ira Kane.

United States
Geological Society.

We're doing some important
research. This is our site.

I'm sorry. Not anymore.
You're not on the list.

What do you mean?
We come here all the time.

This is not a nightclub.
Take it somewhere else.

Hey, I know my constitutional rights,
okay?

You can't tell me...
Harry! Harry! Look,

maybe you can call your superior,
we can have a word with him.

I have a Harry Block
and an Ira Kane out here...

saying they have some
connection to the site. Punk.

What? You gotta know
how to talk to the white man.

The white man about to get his ass
whupped. He doesn't like to be yelled at.

Did you say Kane?
Ira Kane?

Yeah. Yeah.
The Ira Kane?

Oh, I've been looking forward to
this for a long time. You bastard!

SOLDIER: You're history! Hey,
hey, hey!

Get his gun!
You're crazy!

Take it easy!
All right, they're good. Up!

You're responsible for the
worst month of my life! Let me go!

What the hell was that
about? I don't know.

All right, drive straight down to the
command tent. They're expecting you.

Go.
Thank you.

That's the guy that had me
in diapers for over a month!

Let me go!
Who the hell was that?

Gentlemen,
just up here. General Woodman's expecting you.

Russell Woodman?

Ha ha! Ira!

Ohh! What an
unexpected surprise.

For me too. I didn't realize
we were on a hugging basis.

The same old Ira Kane.
And you must be?

Harry Block, this is General Russell Woodman,
head of U.S. Army research.

General.
Harry.

So you two know each other?

Ira used to work for me.
Right, Ira?

I worked with you, actually.

Ira,
you used to work in Army research at the Pentagon? Yeah.

And all this time I thought
you were just a schoolteacher.

No. How did you find out
about this, Russell?

You leave the Pentagon,
you don't call me, you don't write.

We like to keep tabs
on our prodigal sons.

So you tapped my phone?

No. We're not
the KGB, Ira.

Actually, we've been
monitoring your computer.

His computer?

All those girls in the photos
are over 18.

Yes, I'm sure.
I should have figured.

You should've known better than to
try to keep something this big from us.

And the C.D.C.
Ah!

Just in time.
Ira, this is Allison Reed,

senior researcher in
epidemiology at the... C.D.C.

HARRY:
Nice underwear.

A garter belt
at a day function?

I can do it. Thank you very
much. Thank you. I'm okay.

I'm okay. Dr. Kane.

I'd heard about
your recklessness,

but you are way out of line
on this one.

Do you realize how dangerous
this situation could have become?

It's nice to meet you too. No
need to play the blame game here.

No harm, no foul.
Suffice it to say...

that we're all very appreciative the
discovery made by Dr. Kane and Mr. Black.

Block.
Block.
I'm sorry.

The confirmation of the
existence of life outside this planet...

Would be the greatest
scientific discovery...

of our time.
Yes, actually.

Yes, and you have my word that you'll
be kept in the loop from this point forward.

Oh, you son of a bitch. What do you mean,
kept in the loop?

General, we are the loop.

We're not gonna cut you out,
but we do need to take control.

We're just following protocol,
Ira. You remember protocol.

I got some protocol right here for you,
Russell. Come and get it!

Look, the simple fact is,
this research must continue...

under careful government
control and scrutiny.

We've already
secured the area.

We're constructing
an air lock into the cavern...

and a state-of-the-art
field research facility.

So, you see,
there's not a whole lot...

for the science department of Glen
Canyon Community College to do here.

Did you catch that condescending tone with
he says "Glen Canyon Community College"?

We are following well
established federal guidelines.

Please,
Russell. Don't pull this crap. We deserve to be here.

You deserve
to be here?

You're lucky anybody's ever let you
near a science laboratory again, Ira.

You're a disgrace,
and a dangerous one at that.

Lieutenant,
show these men out.

This is horseshit.

This is not over.

You're in for a fight,
Russell.

Would you stop following me,
please? Thank you.

We're not gonna
bend over and take this!

Fruit basket
for Russell Woodman!

Happy holidays,
General!

Cute.

Dr. Kane, are you asking me
to bar the federal government...

from involvement in a discovery
as significant as this one?

No,
not at all. We're asking you to make sure...

that the local scientists who
actually made the discovery...

continue to play
a significant role.

They've kept us out
for almost two weeks.

We put our lives on the line to find these little guys,
Your Majesty.

We just want to be there
for them as they grow up.

We were the first team
at the meteor site,

and all the initial testing
was done in our lab, Judge.

The facilities at Glen Canyon
Community College are a joke.

They weren't a joke
when I went there, General.

Okay.

Your Honor,
if the court would allow me to depose Dr. Kane?

Depose me?

We think your past
is very relevant, Dr. Kane.

These issues speak directly to
his competence as a scientist.

Dr. Kane, you were
a top-level researcher...

at USAMRID from '94 to '97,
were you not? Yes, that's correct.

And you were summarily
dismissed in the summer of 1997.

Any idea why?

My services were
no longer required?

Uh-huh. So in your opinion,
your firing...

had nothing to do with an
experimental anthrax vaccine...

that you developed and administered
to nearly 140,000 U.S. soldiers...

in May of that year?

[WHISPERING] I see
where you're going with this.

It may have been a factor. You'd
have to ask the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

I'll make a note to do that,
but for now,

can you tell me what happened to the
soldiers that were inoculated with your vaccine?

Well, none of them got anthrax,
if that's what you're asking.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
What did they get?

Um, well, as with
any new vaccine,

there were certain side
effects associated with it.

Could you be more specific?

It was a wide range of
things. It's very technical.

I'd hate to waste the court's
time getting into it right now.

Humor me.

Some, uh, debilitating
stomach cramps.

Severe diarrhea.

Memory loss.

Yes. Go on.
Any more symptoms?

Partial facial paralysis,
temporary blindness, drooling,

bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction,
uncontrollable flatulence.

I think that's it.

One more question.
Do you happen to remember...

what the soldiers
called this illness, Dr. Kane?

Yeah. They called it
the Kane Madness.

Keep your head up.

You know she wants
to give you some, right?

Were you even
in that courtroom?

Getting barbecued like baby back ribs? It's all foreplay,
baby.

Oh! We've been hit.

Forget the foreplay.
We just got screwed.

Empty. Bad. This is very,
very bad.

Damn it!

I don't care who they are!
Stealing is stealing!

Perfect.

They took the rock, the samples,
all the little wormy critters.

All the data's gone... the JPEG files,
the DNA sequences.

They cleaned us out.
I'm calling the cops.

The cops?
They are the cops!

Then what?

Let me ask you
something.

How come you get to be a colonel,
and I'm just a private?

I was a colonel. You obviously
served your country with distinction.

Consider yourself lucky. The penalty for
impersonating an officer is 5 years in prison.

Yeah, maybe for you,
white boy.

Me, they hang.

Colonels first.

I was out here for 12 hours.

My toes are starting to hurt
from standing.

Stop it.

Just act like you belong.
Don't worry. I got this.

Pick up that butt, soldier.
Sorry, sir.

And tuck that shirt in.
Yes, sir.

Get the door.
Get the door.

Thank you, Private.
Don't get used to this.

Whoo-hoo.
Look at that.

Enjoy your lunch,
gentlemen.

ALLISON:
Okay, I'll be right back.

Oh, your girlfriend,
eleven o'clock.

Oh. Darn it.

The woman's a menace.

Testing, one, two, one, two.
One, one, one, one, two.

This is deejay Harry Block here,
and I'm an Aquarius.

Harry,
will you stop it? I can hear you. Don't you snap at me,

unless you want an angry
Solid Gold dancer on your hands.

Lieutenant?

Excuse me.
Yeah?

Who's that?

I don't know.

I don't have anything
on my schedule.

Maybe it's the guys from sector
12 doing a nocturnal specimen run.

You know how those guys are. Oh,
yeah.

This place has changed.

[BELL DINGS, AIR HISSING]

Oh, my God.

Can you believe this?
Harry, look at that.

Our little babies
are growing up.

Three weeks, it's already
like a rain forest in here.

HARRY: Ugh. Looks like the
kitchen from my first apartment.

Hey, Harry,
check that guy out.

Is it coming or going?

The tree just ate it.

Everything down here seems
to be food for something else,

so let's try to stay off the menu,
huh? Got that right.

[SQUEAKS]
Oops.

Ira, come here.
Look at these little things.

Oh, cool.
Hey, snag one.

Snag one? Yeah. Snag
one and put him in the bucket.

I seen this movie. The black
dude dies first. You snag it.

Don't be scared. We came for a specimen,
now snag one.

Come on. It's not gonna hurt
you. He's turned the other way.

He's eating.

Come on. Come on,
my little red lobster.

Come on, my sexy
little crustacean. Come on.

Whoa!
Ohh!

Ira, look at that backside.

Theater in the round.

That's the kind of trunk space
you want in a late model car.

Who does that
remind you of?

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

She's been
throwing it at you enough.

Dr. Reed?
Bull's-eye.

Excuse me,
Dr. Reed. Did you authorize a walk-through?

No. Why?

Um, you should probably
take a look at something.

Here.

HARRY: That's the kind
of rump you'd like to roast.

Kind of mother you like to butter.
IRA: That is a nice image.

And I appreciate
your assumption...

that there is an actual
sexual human being...

underneath all Dr. Reed's deep-seated neuroses,
but I don't think so.

What?
Yeah.

IRA: I think she is a
humorless ice queen.

HARRY: Ira,
that's just a cover. Don't you know that?

All she needs is
a good humping.

[MOCKING ORGASM]
Oh, Ira. Ira!

Ira! Stop that. We gotta
get a piece of the asteroid.

And cut that out.
It disturbs me.

Ira! Don't do that
behind my back like that.

I'm not doing it.
Cut it out.

Okay, I'm just walking.
Ira!

[HAMMERING ROCK]

Let's bag that and
get the hell out of here.

I'm ready when you are,
Colonel.

This disco suit is making
me chafe. [BUZZING]

Oh, shoo, fly!

Hey, hold it right there.

Dr. Reed, so nice
to see you again.

We were just leaving. You're in
direct violation of the judge's orders.

I could have you arrested right
now. Wanna talk about violations?

What about our lab?
Anybody got a can of Raid?

What are you talking about? You stole
our computer hard drive, our samples,

our files, everything.
I didn't steal anything.

Your buddies cleaned us out. Those guys right there. No,
we didn't.

Damn right. You've been trying
to grab credit on our discovery.

All we're trying to do is take back
a piece of what's rightfully ours.

I'm concerned
with public safety.

Is this true? Are you aware of any of this,
Flemming?

No. Absolutely not. Hey,
there's something in my suit.

Don't believe him! He admitted
to hacking into our computer!

There's something in my suit.
Harry, what?

Ira, there's something
in my suit!

That's impossible!
It is sealed!

The fly!
There's a fly in my suit!

Oh,
God! Don't take off your helmet!

Turn up the oxygen!
It'll kill it!

[AIR HISSING]

You see it?
Look. Do you see it?

No. You're all right.
Okay.

Who's the man? You're
the man. I'm the man.

You're the man.
Okay. [SIGHS]

Oh, my God.
[BUZZING]

[SCREAMS]
It's in me!

Harry!
[SCREAMING]

For the love of everything good and holy,
get this goddamn thing out of me!

You're gonna be okay,
Harry. Cut him open! Let's get this thing!

Cut me open? There goes
your Christmas gift, Judas!

It's moving down his leg.

What do we do? We
might have to amputate.

Don't take the leg! Ira,
don't let them take my leg!

Is there anything else you can
do? He thinks he's an athlete.

Doctor, look.
Ooh.

It's heading for his testicles.
Take it! Take the leg!

Wait, wait!
No, no, no, no!

It's going the other way.
Give me some forceps.

I might be able to catch it in
his colon. How are you going in?

Rectally.
Noooo!

I'll get lubricant.
There's no time for lubricant.

There's always time for lubricant! All right,
flip him!

Okay, here we go.

Try to relax, buddy.
It's gonna be okay.

I'll shove this gurney up
your ass! See if you relax!

Cheek spreader.
All right. I'm going in.

[GRUNTING]

Don't clench. Don't
clench. You're so brave.

You're so brave.
A little more.

No more!
A little deeper.

No... deeper! Squeeze
my hand. Squeeze it!

Almost there.
Open up.
Breathe.

Breathe.
I'm breathing!

Almost there.
You're there!

[STRAINING]
Ohh!

It's over, it's over.

It just died.

Don't you ever do that again!

Should've seen that thing. It
was like this! You took it like a man.

You're all right. You did
great. Can we get you anything?

Ice cream. I'd like an ice cream,
please. What flavor?

Doesn't matter.
It's for my ass.

♪♪ [POP]
[HORN HONKING]

♪♪ [CONTINUES]

Man! Now I'm
a Hawaiian warrior?

You know, I'm thinking seriously
about moving maybe down to California.

Start over. Because
of the fireman thing?

Big deal.
You flunked out.

You know how many times
I've flunked in my life? A ton.

Hey, pool boy,
you watering down the mai tais?

No, sir, but let me
fix you something special.

'Cause you're nothing
but a big, fat monkey turd.

Excuse me?
What?

Your drink's
almost ready.

Here you go.
That should tide you over.

♪♪ [CONTINUES]

♪ He even sews ♪

♪ And don't forget, folks
That's what you get, folks ♪

♪ For makin' ♪

♪ A little whoopee ♪♪

♪♪ [HUMMING]

[STRAINING]

[POP]
[YELLS]
Damn it!

That's gonna stain.

♪♪ [HUMMING]

Barry!

Barry, where are you?
I can't see you.

Where are you?

I'm down here, my pet,
by the water.

[SCREAMING]

No!
[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

♪♪ [CONTINUES]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Something just ate
Barry Cartwright!

[PEOPLE GASPING]

Oh. That's too bad.

ALLISON: I don't get it. How does
someone with your background,

credentials and talent...

end up... like you?

Thank you.

Your partner could've died.
What were you thinking?

I was desperate.

I've been exiled out here
in Arizona for five years...

watching the world
pass me by,

and this amazing discovery
literally falls into my lap.

I look at it as
my ticket out of here.

But I don't suppose that
you would understand that.

Oh, no, how could I?

I'm just a humorless ice maiden in
desperate need of a good humping.

You heard that, huh?
Loud and clear.

Don't think you know so
much about me. You don't.

I'm sure I don't.

Thank you for not
calling the cops.

HARRY:
Ohh! Ohh!

Be careful!
Stop being such a baby.

We've seen
that car before.

[GROANS]
No more bran for me.

Hey, girls.

Hey.

Cut it out.

Hey, it's the meteor guy.

What's in the bag,
your blow-up doll?

Oh,
no. I got something that you're really gonna like.

What happened
to you?
Shut up.

You guys teach here?
Yeah.

I was thinking about
taking some classes,

but I decided to hit the job market
early and get a jump-start on things.

Can we help you?

Yeah. A guy got killed at
my country club last night.

A real douche bag,
but that just doesn't make it right, you know?

It was an animal attack.

Isn't that something?

It happened by the water
hazard on the fourth green.

The lady he was banging
saw the whole thing.

Anyhow, we chased
this sucker on the fairway,

and then it died
in a sand trap.

It just died? How?

Like it was choking
to death. [GASPING]

You know?
Stopped breathing.

Anyway, it's like nothing
I ever saw before.

I thought you guys might
want to take a look at it.

[WOMEN CHATTERING]

Jill, you've got some kind
of infestation here.

Huh?

You have
a serious bug problem.

What?

Jill, there's... there's
something in your closet.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Open the door, Grace.

Me? It's your house.

Oh.

Hey, when did you guys
get a dog?

We don't have
a damn dog.

I don't think that's a dog.
It's like some kind of rodent.

Or a muskrat or pig.

Well, how the hell
did it get in here?

Doesn't look too healthy,
does it?

Well, it's frightened.

Look. He can barely breathe,
he's so scared.

Come on, cutie pie.
Uh-huh. Don't be afraid.

Come on.
That's a good boy.

[GROWLS]
[SCREAMING]

Yes, yes. 911?
[GRUNTS]

What the hell is that thing?

[AIR HISSING]

Thanks. Um,

pick me up in an hour.

No, two. Oh, like an hour
and a half will be good.

Thanks.

Hi. Do you have
any messages for me?

Two single beds, please.
We're fighting.

Ira, come on. I'm tired. I've had,
like, two hours of sleep.

I gotta go take a shower.
They're spreading.

You're talking about the
golf course? We're all over it.

Woodman sent a team
out there two hours ago.

Well, it's too bad you missed the five-foot
amphibian that's lying dead in my lab.

They're adapting.
We got to shut it down.

No, you're overreacting.
We can handle this.

I used to be arrogant
like you.

We're both aware
of what that led to.

Take me seriously,
Allison.

I do take you seriously.

Then you got to talk to Woodman
because he won't listen to me.

We got to kill these
things while we still can.

All right. I'll discuss it with him,
but I can't promise you anything.

Thank you.
Okay.

Oh, just
one more thing.
Yeah.

Do you think you could
ever be attracted to me?

Bye, Ira.
Just food for thought.

Yeah. She's mine.

HARRY: I've been an adjunct
professor for going on four years now,

but I'm hoping
this whole alien brouhaha...

will net me an honorary
doctorate somewhere.

You gonna finish
that bacon?

Yeah, I'm gonna finish it.
I ordered it, didn't I?

So, um,
about the coaching... girls volleyball?

Mm-hmm.

Do you ever get to see
them take showers?

Yeah. All the time.
Sometimes I shower with them.

You're kidding me,
right?
Hey.

So?
She's gonna talk
to Woodman.

Ah. Thank goodness.
Coffee? Thank you.

Mm. I'm okay.

So level with me,
fellas.

Is there some sort of alien...
attack happening here?

We don't know.

Excuse me. Can I
borrow your cream?

Hi, Denise.
Hello, Ira.

Still setting the
world on fire? Ow.

That's Ira's ex over there
sitting with the cop.

What's with the police escort? You're
not under arrest? I don't see any handcuffs.

[LAUGHS] That's funny. This is my friend,
Sam.

He's about to make detective.
I know Sam. We go way back.

Hey,
congratulations, Sam.

Maybe you can look into what
happened to my missing shirts.

Did I tell you about that? She walked out with,
like, two or three of my shirts.

I mean, is it... I'm not up on the law,
you know, like law enforcement,

but is it against the law when
you walk out of somebody's house...

with what they own?
You want your shirt?

Seriously, take it. No,
no, no. Oh, come on.

You must be cold, right?
Are you cold? Is that it?

Why should I get to wear
the shirt when it's your shirt?

It's amazing how many women
just... They open their shirt to him.

I'm sure he'll let you
borrow the shirt for just today.

Isn't that right,
Professor? Uh...

DISPATCHER: We have a
code 1272 over in Valley Vista.

1272?
That's an animal attack.

1099 responding.
Got to go, babe.

Now?
They're calling.

Wait. Be careful out there.

Oh, you'll take care
of the check, right?

Yeah.

Hey, I want those
shirts back, Denise.

Hey, you got to admit,

this animal attack has kind of an ominous feel to it,
doesn't it?

Check it out?
Check it out.

All right!

All right, looks like we're
under the microscope here,

so let's be very systematic
and subtle in what we do.

No cowboy stuff, okay?
No problem.

Professionals.
Officer Johnson.

All right, fellas,
what are you doing here?

We heard about the animal
attack. And part of our job...

at the college and state health department
is to ascertain if there's any health risk here.

Okay,
you know what? No. Not this time. Forget about it.

You didn't touch it with your bare
hands? That would be a serious no-no.

You did? He touched it.
He shouldn't have touched it.

What do we do? I don't know.
He shouldn't have touched it.

Okay, why don't you guys
come on in and take a look?

I'll be checking things out
around here in this vicinity.

Ooh! Ooh.

This dog is all ass.

Ira, look at this, man.

He would've come
from in here, right?

It's just used for storage
and access under the house.

Looks like he crawled right
through the dirt right there.

Hey, guys.
[CLEARS THROAT]

I was, uh, conducting
a parameter check,

and, uh, there's something
you better see.

If you guys liked that thing,
you're gonna love this.

What is it?

What is it?

Oh! Oh!

Great googa-mooga!
What did I tell you?

[GRUNTING]

IRA:
See, they're crawling out.

They're trying to breathe
in our atmosphere.

Fortunately, they haven't
been able to adapt yet.

Hey, Ira.
Yeah?

I think I know how
these things got here.

How?

Well, this entire area is just a
honeycomb of caves and old mine shafts.

If memory serves,
the Moenave cave system...

starts just a few miles
from here.

It's west of the golf course.
Runs into the foothills,

continues down to the Kaibab
Plateau and goes right into Lake Powell.

Our cave...

is smack dab in the
middle of the system.

It's all connected.

Could you repeat that?
I'm impressed.

Hey, beneath this calm,
sexy exterior beats the heart of a true scientist.

Whoa, guys.
That one's moving.

What the hell
is it doing?

[GRUNTING]

I think
it's trying to breathe.

Oh! That's like
a big loogie.

[GROANING]

Mazel tov. It's a boy.

It's oxygen tolerant.

It's flying away.
Is that a bad thing?

Only if you're
a human being.

MAN: You know how
much I hate shopping.

We need to find you something nice
for Thanksgiving. I've got enough clothes.

Tony, I think
that color's great on you.

[SHRIEKING]
Whoa!

[SCREAMING]

[HORN HONKING]

I think this might
be the place.

You ever used
one of these before?

Just 'cause I'm a schoolteacher
don't make me a pussy.

Hey, ladies, there's a flying
extraterrestrial in the store. Can we focus?

♪♪ [GIRL SINGING]

[BANGING] ♪ Won't you
get me On the highway ♪

I'm in here.
Just a minute.

♪♪ [CONTINUES]
[BANGING]

Just a second, please.

[BANGING CONTINUES]
I said just a second!

Bitch!

[BANGING CONTINUES]
How would you like me...

to scratch the eyes
out of your skull?

[SNIFFING]

Here, birdie, birdie, birdie,
birdie, birdie, birdie!

Birdie!

Ca-ca-ca-ca-
ca-ca-ca-caw!

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

[QUIETLY]
Ca-caw.

All right.

If I was a giant,
nasty alien bird in a department store,

where would I be?

Lingerie.
Not you. The bird.

Lingerie.

Help!

You go low. I'm
going high. Got it.

We're never gonna
find this damn thing.

I lost him! How do you
lose a 20-foot bird in a mall?

HARRY:
Ira, I don't know.

So what do we do now?

Ca-caw.

Ca-caw. Ca-caw.

Tookie-tookie! Ca-caw!
Ca-caw! Ca-ca-caw! Wayne.

I think
we've established...

that "ca-caw,
ca-caw" and "tookie-tookie" don't work.

Right. Sorry.

All right, so what do you say,
Ira? Pack it in?

WAYNE:
♪ You are ♪

♪ So beautiful ♪

♪ To me ♪

Step back, Harry.
I'm gonna shoot him.

No. Stand down. I'm gonna
kill this one myself.

Give me a chance.
I'm communicating here.

♪ You are so beautiful ♪

♪ To me ♪ Wayne,
would you please stop?

Because you're
embarrassing me.

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ You're every... ♪

[SHRIEKING]

♪ You're everything
That I hope for ♪

[SHRIEKING, GROWLING]

It's working. Yeah. Sing.
Sing. Rub some funk on it.

♪ And you're
Everything I need ♪

[SHRIEKING]

♪ You are so beautiful ♪

Here he comes. Grab the girl.
I'm gonna get the bird. Got it.

♪ You are so beautiful ♪

♪ To me ♪

♪ To me ♪♪

[SHRIEKING]
Yeah!

GIRL: Oh, my God!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

All right! Nice shot!

I am so sorry.
I promise.

I swear to God I will
never shoplift again.

Good.

So what do you want,
light meat or dark?

You have to ask?
[GROWLING]

It's dead now.
Yep.

♪ Hey, do it, y'all ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Once I was
A boogie singer ♪

♪ Got to start
To feeling so low ♪

♪ And I decided quickly
Yes, I did ♪

♪ To disco down
And check out the show ♪

♪ Yeah, they were dancin'
And singin' ♪

♪ And movin'
To the groovin' ♪

♪ And just when it hit me ♪

♪ Somebody turned around
And shouted ♪

♪ Play that funky music,
White boy ♪

♪ Play that
Funky music right ♪♪

I'm standing at the edge of the
Valley Vista housing community...

where just below me there are dozens
of giant odd-looking dead creatures.

Now, we should
stress to our viewers...

that to this point,
we have received no official word...

All that I saw was this ugly tentacle
thing come out of the ground...

and tried to grab
my private parts.

I batted it away.
It got my hand.

WOMAN: ...of anxiety and confusion
in the greater Glen Canyon area.

And so we stand outside
the state capitol building,

awaiting any comment
from the governor's office...

concerning the nature and origin
of these extraordinary creatures.

Governor Lewis,
this way.

Can somebody here tell me
why I was not informed...

that we have goddamn aliens
crawling all over my beloved state?

Right now I've got 400 meat-picking
media vultures camped outside my office.

They know more about
this thing than I do.

Now, I ought to throw the whole goddamn,
jacked-up bunch of you in prison.

Not that cushy federal place
with the loose jumpsuits.

State prison
with the crotch binders.

I'm terribly sorry, Governor,

but there were some earlier security
breaches made by Dr. Kane and his team.

Wait a minute. Excuse me. We thought
it best to keep the lid on the situation...

in the interest of national
security. That is not exactly true.

I believe the governor's question was directed at me,
Dr. Reed.

Okay, put a plug in it. I'm not
interested in your bureaucratic crapola.

What I really wanna know
is how bad this thing is.

It's bad, Governor.

Now, according to the new ground
sensors and the satellite thermal scans,

they indicate
a potential problem.

I don't know how to read all
this. What kind of a problem?

Now, somebody, please take this ugly
bag of snakes and lay 'em out straight for me.

Now, please, allow me.
And you are?

Dr. Allison Reed. How do you do? Carla,
would you mind?

Okay, the red markings
in these projections...

indicate the growth
of the alien ecosystem.

Unless we do
something immediately,

we will lose Glen Canyon
in three days.

Great merciful Christ.

REED: In a week,
the rest of Arizona.

Then the entire southwest.

In two months,
the United States officially belongs to them.

And we are extinct.

You got to be shitting me.

Come on. Admit it.
You're glad to see us. Huh?

I, for one, am glad to see you. Call
the M.P.'s. Have these men arrested.

Hey,
we just blew a giant alien bird out of a department store.

We're covering up
your mess.

Governor, Dr. Ira Kane.
I'm the chairman...

of the science department at the
Glen Canyon Community College.

This is my associate. Harry Phineas Block,
adjunct professor of geology.

Voted for you.
Wayne Grey.

I took some chemistry
in high school.

Now, you two gentlemen are the
original discoverers of the phenomena.

Yes, sir.
That's correct.

Yes, they are, and they're also
responsible for the mess we're in right now.

What?
Here we go.

They broke into the contained area
and breached our safety procedures.

Unwittingly causing the dissemination of
alien organisms outside the secured area.

Liar, liar,
pants on fire! Criminal charges are in order here!

This is bullshit! Shut up,
all of you! Listen.

My state out there is being
overrun by vicious aliens.

Now, you're all supposed
to be the experts.

I wanna know right now
and I wanna know it quick.

How the hell are you
supposed to deal with this?

This is an outline of the
infected area as of this afternoon.

Now, Governor, my plan
is to evacuate everyone...

from within five miles
of the perimeter.

Evacuation? You're
talking about 10,000 people.

Yes, sir. We evacuate,
make it safe...

and then we burn the alien
menace right the hell out of there.

With what?

With napalm.
Lots and lots of napalm.

Napalm? Why don't you just
nuke 'em while you're at it?

What about nukes?

Pull your horns in there,
boys. Nobody's dropping an H-bomb on my state.

All this talk about napalm and burning
things makes me very damn nervous.

Well, it should. We have no idea how they'd
react to such an attack on a cellular level.

Governor,
it is time for a military solution. This will work.

What? Sorry to interrupt.
You better take a look at this.

What?

Clear out.

Right away, sir.
What?

What, you called me out
for this?

Sir, one of the creatures
just destroyed video four.

What's going on
down there?

IRA: My God. They've
evolved into primates.

Oh! Now, that's
a face for radio.

Whoa!

They just took out
six and seven.

All the monitors are down.
Well, that can't be good.

[MOTOR WHIRRING]
That's the elevator.

We have no personnel
down there.

They breached
the air lock.

What,
the fuzzy no-nose chimp? Call for backup.

[BELL RINGING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

IRA: They're coming
through the elevator!

Cover the elevator! Just stay back
behind me! Stay back behind me!

Get the hell off me!
I wanna see this thing!

Be prepared to fire.

It's empty, sir.

[ELECTRICITY ARCING]

[ROARING]

The governor! The
governor! Don't shoot!

Help me!

[GROANING]
[ROARS]

Somebody do something!
Hold your fire. Hold your fire.

You're gonna get
somebody killed.

[PANTING]

Nice shot.
I'll take that now.

General,
you have my full support...

to do whatever you need to do,
however much firepower it takes.

You can melt the whole
place down to beaded glass...

if that's what it takes.

Just get these hell-blown creazoids
out of my state. Thank you, Governor.

I'll be ready to go by noon tomorrow. Good,
sir.

Where have you two been? I
was just getting out of the way.

Get me out of here!

Science project's over.

I want you
and your people gone.

Soldier,
escort these men out. Yes, sir.

Don't you
have work to do?

You are such an asshole.

You know, when a woman expresses anger,
it's often because...

Shut up, Flemming.
Shut up.

Okay, okay.
I know where the car is.

Wipe my ass too?

Hey, guys!

Got room for one more?

Hell, yeah.

Who wants to be deputy
director of the C.D.C. anyway?

The real money's
in the private sector.

Are you sure about this? Oh,
yeah.

Uh, listen. It may
not seem like much now,

but I managed to get your research
files and your original samples.

So, if we survive this,
you guys will get the credit.

Thank you. No. Thank... No,
it's nothing.

Let me get it.
No. I got it.

All right.

ALLISON: Ooh!

Sorry. Excuse me. We haven't
been formally introduced yet.

I'm Wayne Grey. Oh,
hey, I'm kind of with him.

Oh. That's cool.

Buckle up, Allison. We're rolling. Okay. Oh,
my goodness!

[HORNS HONKING]

Man Over P.A.: I Facilities are
being provided for you and your family.

Please move
in an orderly fashion.

They're gonna blow up
the whole town.

Hey! Hold it!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Where the hell you going?

♪ Get up, get up, get up
Drop the bombshell ♪

♪ Get up, get up
This is out of control ♪

♪ Get up, get up, get up
Drop the bombshell ♪

♪ Get up, get up ♪

Man Over P.A.: I Attention. We need to clear this area,
people.

For your own safety,
evacuate immediately.

[MAN SPEAKING,
INDISTINCT]

Hey, Professor Kane!

Arizona, it's going down,
baby! Whoo!

This may not be the best time
for you boys to be drinking.

♪ This is out of control ♪

♪ Get up, get up, get up
Drop the bombshell ♪

♪ Get up, get up ♪♪

I was your first.

Remember,
we discovered you in that cave. You were scared and alone.

It was just you,
me and Harry in the beginning.

Those were good times, huh?

So why don't you
level with me now?

You can trust me.
Just talk to me.

Just tell me the secret.
Tell me the answer.

Tell me how to kill you.

You are losing it, pal.

What is
that stuff anyway?

Some of the original liquid
material from inside the meteor.

Why hasn't it evolved
like the rest? I don't know.

Uh, maybe because
it was refrigerated.

It was locked in an airtight case. It
didn't have anything to metabolize with.

But regardless,
that doesn't give us any kind of clue as to...

When did you start smoking? Not
much of a point to clean living anymore.

Whoo!
Ooh!

Whoa.

Those things react to fire
like it was Miracle-Gro.

Fire.

The organisms
were dormant in space.

Then they collided with
the earth's atmosphere and bam!

Heat. Fire.
That's the catalyst.

So if a little, teeny match
catalyzes this stuff like this,

what's a ton
of napalm gonna do?

So much
for the military option.

You better call
that dick general.

FLEMMING: That's
a lot of napalm.

WOODMAN:
Yes, it is.

We're going to blow those
damn creatures straight to hell.

We'll flush them out
along the mine shafts...

and then mop up the edges as
they run trying to escape the flames.

Excuse me,
General. There's an urgent call from Dr. Reed.

She says she has important
information about the mission.

Oh, really? Well, unfortunately,
I'm not available.

Anything more?

No, sir.

He blew me off.
Can you believe it?

That bastard wouldn't
even take my call.

You did call him
an asshole.

Hey, Dr. K.

We got beer.
Time to party.

Well,
I'll take one of those. Me too. I just quit smoking.

What are you boys doing here? Thought
you could use a brewski to mellow out.

Kick back and chill.
DANNY: Yeah.

Have a beer,
relax. It's gonna help you with your research.

DANNY: Yeah,
help you with your research.

Whoa.
Look at that thing.

Whoa. Hey,
can we have that when you guys are done with it?

Fellas, thank you for your help and for the beers,
but, really, we're working here.

Hold it. Hold it.

Look at that.
What are you doing?

Selenium.
It could be the answer.

I'm looking at the periodic
table on your T-shirt here...

and I'm seeing
this pattern emerge.

Take off your shirt. I'll
show you. BOTH: Yes!

No, I don't think so.
All right, look.

We are a carbon-based life-form. Keep pulling,
Dr. K.

We move down here and you found our poison,
arsenic.

But the aliens are
nitrogen-based, right?

You make the same move,
down and over,

and where do you
find yourself?

Selenium.
IRA: Selenium.

It could be as lethal to
them as arsenic is to us.

And with their metabolic rates,
it'll kill them fast.

Okay. Selenium.
How much do we need?

Five hundred gallons
could do it... should do it.

Five hundred gallons?
IRA: Yeah.

Um, I hate to be a buzzkill,

but where are we gonna get
that at 2:00 in the morning?

No problem.

Yeah, we can get that.

Head & Shoulders.
The dandruff shampoo?

Yeah,
that's the stuff. The active ingredient is selenium sulfide.

Oh.

How do you know that?
You don't know anything.

Haven't you noticed how shiny
and flake-free our hair is?

Okay, this is
the best idea we got.

Let's give it a shot.
Come on. Let's do it. Yeah.

Yeah. We'll get the troops
together. We're getting shampoo!

I've got the perfect
vehicle. Good.

Donalds,
you just got your A's.

Yes!
Yeah!

Almost full.

There's something I feel I should tell you,
but I don't know exactly how.

Well, just say it.
We're adults.

And we're all about to die a very
horrible death soon anyway, so...

I would have rocked
your world.

You already have.
WAYNE: We're all full!

Battle stations!
[ALL CHEERING]

Can we continue this
discussion later? Yes.

Let's do this!

Let's shampoo us
some aliens!

MAN:
Left, right, left!

Lots of soldiers around.

Left, two, three, four!

Left, two, three, four!
Left, left!

There's an old abandoned silver
mine about half a click south of here.

We can sneak into the cave
through there.

IRA: "Half a click"? What are you,
in Vietnam?

Hey, I'm digging this. Work with me,
baby. Work with me.

It's over here!
It's right here!

Are you okay?
I'm good. I'm good.

Let's go.
Let's do this.

You sure this leads
to the main cavern?

It'll definitely lead us somewhere.
Geology's not an exact science.

HARRY:
Where are you?

Where are you,
my little aliens?

Show yourself.

Warm to the touch.

Ohh.
Highly acidic.

Harry, we do not have time for you
to act like you know what you're doing.

Hey, what happened
to the respect?

Woodman's going at
noon. We gotta hurry.

Very good.
Are the troops in place?

Ahead of schedule.
Excellent. We can go early.

Oh, no. What is
he doing here?

Governor Lewis. I don't
see anything burning.

Where are all the explosions?
We're just getting underway.

I didn't know you were
coming to see the show, sir.

Well, you damn well better make it a good one,
Sergeant. That's General.

Not if you screw this up. Keeping my chair warm for me,
are you?

Thank you.

I'll take a pair of spy
glasses and a hot chocolate.

Give me your hose, Wayne.
Get up top.

When I give you the signal,
start pumping the selenium.

Got it.

IRA: Okay,
we're gonna spray all around the meteor...

then get the hell out of here
as fast as we can.

[GROWLING]

Oh, oh. Blue monkey.
Blue monkey!

Wayne, charge the line now!

Whoa!
[GASPS]

[ROARS]

That's the napalm.
Oh! Woodman went early.

[EXPLOSION]
Ohh!

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!

Wayne, come on!

Okay, I'm out!

[SCREAMING]
We got to go!

Go! Go!
Faster! Get up there!

Run! Run for your life!
Go! Go! Go!

Quite the bonfire we got going there,
General Woodman.

Should've brought some wieners. That can be arranged,
Governor.

First reports from the field are excellent,
sir. Very good.

Keep it together, Wayne.
Keep it together.

Oh, my God.
What is it?

[ALL YELLING]

[ROARING]

What's happening?

It's coming! It's
coming! What's coming?

Get the hell
out of here!

Great flaming
whore balls!

General, look.
Ohh!

Hurry!
Drive!

Go! Go!
All right!

[SHRIEKING]

Oh, my God!
[YELLING]

Oh, my God.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Fall back. Fall back!

WAYNE: What
the hell is that thing?

The napalm forced
an evolutionary response,

just like the match
in the petri dish.

That's evolution?

Survival of the fittest. Often the
simplest organism is the strongest.

Um, guys?
It's freaking out.

DEKE: It's starting to have
some sort of spaz attack.

Oh, no.
That's not spazzing out.

It's getting ready to divide.

Mitosis.

Wait. There's gonna be
more of these things?

Yeah. A lot more. Its cycle
is starting all over again.

It's gonna go on growing
and doubling until it takes over.

Yeah. But we
were here first.

So that Head & Shoulders
idea... Is that still the plan or what?

I'm driving.

I don't care
if he's on Air Force One.

They've got phones on there.
I've see them.

I don't think
this is gonna wait an hour.

Hey, what's that fire truck
doing out there?

Ooh-whoo-hoo!

Mama.

Can you believe this?

We got to find
a point of attack.

[GROANING]

There!

Ooh!
[CREATURE FARTS]

Ohh! Nasty!

Allison, stop, stop, stop.
Right here. Right here.

Here we go.
Get the ladder up!

Feed me the hose, Deke. Whoa,
whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

I'm going up top.

Not before me. I got
a major score to settle.

Go! Go! Go!

We don't have
much time, guys!

Hurry!

Left!
Left!

All right,
I got it. I haven't had too much practice with this thing.

Whoo-whoo!

Stop! Stop!

What's going on? I don't know.
But that damn thing's getting bigger.

What the hell are those
guys doing with that ladder?

Looks like they're getting ready
to administer a jumbo enema.

We got one shot.
Let's do this.

It's payback time!

Whew! Whew!
Keep it in there!

What's it look
like I'm doing?

It's working!

Shit!
Whoa!

What the hell?
HARRY: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Give me back my friend,
you big sphincter!

She's gonna blow!

Will you stop kicking?
It's horrible in here!

I gotcha!
Help me, please!

I got you! Hold
me! Don't let me go!

We gotta get out of here!
This thing's gonna blow!

You cannot imagine what
I've seen in there!

Hurry up, guys!
Come on!

Ira, don't you ever tell
anyone where I've been!

Dear Lord.

Uh-oh. Time to go.
[ALL YELLING]

Go!
Go!

Go!

Whoa! We did it!

Yeah!
Yeah!

Here we go,
sir. Just relax and we'll have you just as good as new.

[YELLING]
LEWIS: I am happy to report...

that absolutely all remaining traces of the
alien menace have now been eradicated...

using the selenium shampoo
formula developed right here.

Now, let me introduce our civilian
scientist heroes and their team,

the best that the great state of
Arizona has been privileged to produce.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERS]

So this is your moment.

You wouldn't wanna miss
this for anything, huh?

LEWIS: Firstly,
I would like you all to meet Wayne Grey.

[APPLAUSE] As of today,
fully credentialed firefighter.

I spoke to the chief.

Ah, thanks, Governor.

Now our next hero,
Professor Harry Block, noted geologist...

and the winningest coach in
North Arizona women's volleyball.

I appreciate that, Governor.
Very kind.

First of all, let's give it up to God. With Him,
all things are possible.

WOMAN: Amen! Basically,
we just played tough defense.

Took it one alien at a time,
and we were able to come away with the big "W."

Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]

WOMAN:
You're a hero!

And finally,
Drs. Ira Kane and Allison Reed,

whose tireless efforts,
research and academic findings led to the...

I think he's giving her
a bit of the Kane Madness.

Wow. Fighting the alien
menace can be tough work.

And so is keeping your hair clean,
shiny and dandruff-free.

So it's a good thing that we
always keep a healthy supply of...

ALL: Head & Shoulders
around the house.

♪ Please let me comfort you ♪

♪ It's the end of the world
Right now ♪

♪ Please let me kiss
Your lips ♪

♪ It's the last
Living on earth ♪

♪ Would you love me ♪

♪ If it were the end
Of the world right now ♪

♪ Let's pretend it is ♪

♪ The last living
On earth right now ♪♪

♪♪ [WOMAN VOCALIZING]

♪ Love doesn't think ♪

♪ Love doesn't look ♪

♪ Love takes a flying leap
Off the bridge ♪

♪ Love swallows the hurt ♪

♪ Love doesn't sleep ♪

♪ Love is out of control ♪

♪ Love is only human ♪

♪ It can swallow you whole ♪

♪ Anyway
The main thing is ♪

♪ We groove in a dream ♪

♪ We groove in a dream ♪

♪ Love doesn't think ♪

♪ Love doesn't look ♪♪

♪ I've thought about it
Time away ♪

♪ And it's taking a toll ♪

♪ It's hard to break away
From lovin' ♪

♪ When it feels so good ♪

♪ We're always
Laughing and singing ♪

♪ And groovin' and lovin'
And reachin' for more ♪

♪ I cannot sleep on it tonight
But tomorrow will bring more ♪

♪ And it always lets you down
Come on now ♪

♪ So don't play around ♪

♪ On the borderline ♪

♪ The time is right ♪

♪ Are you satisfied ♪

♪ Are you satisfied ♪

♪ All right ♪♪