Evil Laugh (1986) - full transcript

Oh, damn kids!

Mr. Burns, what's wrong?

What do you want?

I'm here delivering the
food the new tenants ordered.

Well, don't give them to me.

Put the supplies in the kitchen.

And listen, kid, don't touch anything.

I'll know if you steal anything.

I've gotta get that
sign out of the ground.

The kitchen's over there.

Nice to see you, Mr. Burns.



Nice to see you, Doctor.

- Call me Jerry.
- Oh, if you insist, Jerry.

You're here a bit early, aren't you?

Yeah, I wanted to get
here before the others.

You do know that if we like
the house this weekend,

we'll be buying it.

Why shouldn't you like it?

Had it painted inside and out.

The floors have been waxed.

I had that back lawn fixed for you.

There's furniture in some of the rooms.

And I had some supplies
stacked over there for you.

Great.

I mean, you're miles away from everyone.



What better place

for a group of young
interns to come and relax?

Oh, Mr. Burns,

will you tell the tenants
that I delivered everything?

But my boss says we're all outta liver

and that we don't stock bulls'
hearts or monkey brains.

So he sent some extra chopped meat.

Hello?

Hello?

Where the fuck's the liver?

There you are, where is the liver, huh?

I got friends coming over here

and you want me to serve this?

Don't just stand there
like a jerk, do something.

You know, I'm gonna call that market,

tell 'em I have to wait
for a stupid liver.

I can't make my special
dish without a calf's heart.

Stupid market.

Stupid hick town.

That's great, Connie's gonna
get here and nothing's done.

♪ Gonna have some fun, gonna
grab the world by the hand ♪

♪ Gonna clean me up, gonna
grab my ass and just wait ♪

♪ No more looking back, no
more thinking what did I do ♪

♪ Here I come again, doing
all the things that I do ♪

♪ I'm overworked, I need a break ♪

♪ Time to break away, I can fly ♪

♪ I'm taking all that I can take ♪

♪ This is where I go,
fast as I can, fire away ♪

♪ Free as I can be, no one's
telling me what to say ♪

♪ Got no use for work ♪

♪ Calling other guys just
makes me feel worse ♪

♪ Lord, lord, lord ♪

♪ Oh, I'm heading straight for you ♪

♪ Watch out, baby, here I come ♪

♪ I'm overworked ♪

♪ I need a break ♪

♪ Time to break away, I can fly ♪

♪ I've taken all that I can take ♪

♪ I'm overworked ♪

♪ Oh, I need a break ♪

♪ Time to bust away, I can fly ♪

♪ I've taken all that I can take ♪

All right, that's gonna do it.

Hey Barn, can you lower the
jack so we can tighten the nuts?

You talking to me?

Barney, the jack.

The jack?

What do you want me to do now?

I want you to lower the jack
so we can tighten the nuts.

Yeah, sure.

Whatever you guys say.

Well, sometimes you're totally useless.

Me? Useless?

Hey, I'm not the one who forgets

to check for a spare
before we leave school.

I didn't know
we were gonna get a flat.

Well, that's why you bring a spare.

In case you get a flat, dipshit.

Who you calling dipshit, asshole?

Okay, this is great.

This is great.

I offend your masculinity,
so you're gonna beat me up?

Okay, go ahead, come on.

Beat me up.

Go ahead, crack my face.

I'm not gonna hit you, Barney.

I just wish you'd stop complaining

and help out a little bit.

All right, guys, let's go.

Already?

We've only been on the road two hours.

Yeah, we got everything?

The way I've got it figured out,

we've got about an half hour to go.

Uh, guys?

I gotta go drain the lizard.

Johnny, hurry.

I wanna get to this
place before Christmas.

Hey, don't worry,

with me driving, we'll
be there in no time.

Just don't get a ticket.

Hey, Barney, you didn't really think

I was gonna hit you back there, did you?

- Well, you were mad.
- Come on.

I've known you guys for four years.

You and Jerry and Johnny
are like brothers to me.

I'd never hit you.

- Shit, what's it raining?
- Mercy.

- What?
- There's a man!

- Forget it, forget it.
- He's pissing on us!

What?

Where?

You're a dead man!

I'm... I'm sorry.

I didn't see you guys down there.

- You're dead!
- Can't you guys take a joke?

♪ I'm overworked, I need a break ♪

- What?
- Johnny's being chased.

Come on, Johnny, jump!

Hurry, go, go!

You touch my buddy Johnny,
I kick your ass!

♪ I need a break ♪

Connie, I think we
should have made a left

down by that fork in the road.

Let me see, Tina.

Left, yeah, you were right.

You mean left.

Okay, so now we head back.

Damn it!

- What?
- Not again!

Now it won't start.

I told you we should have driven up

with Johnny, Mark and Barney.

You're only saying that

because you have the hots for Barney.

Barney?

Not Barney, maybe Mark or
Johnny, but not Barney.

Please!

Actually, Barney's kinda cute.

You know, I'd love to stand here

and talk about your sex life all day long,

but if we can't get the car
started, we're gonna be late.

Could you please get in and try it now?

Okay, okay.

Damn.

I promised Jerry we'd be
the first ones up there.

So, we're late.

No, you don't understand.

I was supposed to greet everyone up there

in case Jerry was late or something.

Well, don't worry if the
guys get there before us,

they'll just sit down and wait.

Try it again.

Wait a minute.

Wait.

Okay.

Great!

What'd you do?

Come on, scoot over.

What'd you do?

I just banged it like this.

Like that?

Yeah, it always worked
for Fonzie on Happy Days.

No, Dad. No, Dad.

Yes, Dad, she's right here.

Hold on a second.

Betty, it's a good thing you
didn't throw up in my Mercedes.

Don't worry about it, Sammy.

I'm all right.

Will you settle down, Dad?

It's only one damn weekend.

Okay, okay.

Say goodbye to Mom.

Bye-bye.

Well, is he mad?

Betty, get into the car.

Sammy Douglas Baxter III,

I'm not going anywhere
until you explain to me

why we had to cancel a great weekend

in Palm Springs with your family.

Look, Jerry is one of my best friends.

He needs a favor for me and
I'm gonna be there for him.

Besides, he's a gourmet cook
and the house has a big pool.

It'll be a fun weekend.

So why all the secrecy?

All the other kids going out there

don't know about the ward, do they?

Okay.

Here's the whole story,

but you gotta promise not to tell

any of the other kids
'til Jerry does, okay?

Jerry wants to buy this old house.

You know he is studying
to become a pediatrician.

Well, the place used to be

a children's foster home or something.

We're just gonna go up there

and help him get the place
back up into shape, okay?

Why didn't Jerry and Connie just ask us?

About 10 years ago, there
was a murder up there.

Jerry thought it, um, might
scare off the other kids.

How silly.

Are we frightened children?

♪ I'm overworked ♪

♪ I need a break ♪

That's it, all right.

We got here before Connie and Tina.

Mark, this isn't a contest.

Just cut it out with the
stud crap, all right?

If you got it, use it.

It's a big house.

God, I am starved.

I hope there's food in the fridge.

This is not cool.

I'm not into S&M, dude.

Look, if you have some complaint
about the food I delivered,

you should take it up with my boss.

What are you doing?

I don't think this is cool.

I don't think this is cool!

What are you doing?

Are you serious, dude?

Look, if I did anything to
offend you, I apologize.

You got a weird laugh.

Hey, I think you're making a big mistake!

Are you sure you don't
wanna reconsider this?

Hey, Jer?

Honey, we're home!

Jerry?

Hey, what a place.

Yeah, look at this fireplace.

Jerry?

Jerry, we're here!

- Jerry!
- Where the hell are ya?

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Where hell could he be?

His car's out front.

You know Jerry's sick humor.

He's probably hiding.

Go check the kitchen, Barney.

What's that?

What?

- Shh, just listen.
- What?

I don't hear anything.
- Shh!

It sounds like it's
coming from the closet.

I think I can hear something.

Go away, get out.

I told you not to do it.

Shut up.

If that's Jerry, it
sounds like he's on acid.

What the fuck is Jerry
doing in the clock?

Who's in there with him?

Go away!

Shh.

One, two, three.

Excuse me!

You guys okay?

Jesus, you scared the fuck outta me.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Roger Burns, the real estate agent.

- What were those voices?
- What voices?

The voices from the closet.

My cousin heard voices,
too, before he was committed.

Seriously, though,

that was probably just
the foundation settling.

You know these old houses.

So, are you guys Jerry's friends?

Wait a minute.

I mean, hold everything.

We walk into this old house.

We hear voices coming from the closet,

we open the door.

There's nobody in there.

Now we just pretend that nothing happened?

Barney, would you shut up?

It was probably the wind or something.

Here's where your voices
are coming from, an air vent.

Yeah, somebody was
talking by the air vent

and his voice happened to
carry through the vent.

It happens all the time
in these old houses.

Why would someone yell in an air vent

and warn us to leave?

It doesn't make any sense.

Unless they're trying to scare us.

What an imagination you guys have.

Who would wanna scare you?

It just sounded so weird.

These things don't happen in New York.

You see, it's just
the sounds of outside.

It's my wife in the car blowing the horn.

Well, I've gotta be going now.

It was nice meeting you.

- Johnny Bellati.
- Barney Weiss.

The guy by your old-fashioned
intercom is Mark.

Armstrong, Mark Armstrong.

- Nice to meet you.
- Where's Jerry?

I don't know.

I opened the house for
him earlier this morning

and then I had to go back
into town for some keys.

If he's not in the house,

I'm sure he's around the ground somewhere.

Yeah, thank you very much, Mr. Burns.

Oh, I forgot to give you
the keys to the garage.

I had the lock changed after
I let the last caretaker go.

You never know who to trust these days.

Thanks.

Are you guys really doctors?

You look like kids.

We're medical students.

They call me young Dr. Kildare.

Well, I gotta be going now.

That's my wife in the car.

If you need anything, my
number's by the phone,

and I mean anything.

Thanks.

This is great, huh?

One weekend away from the hospital.

This place is in great shape, too.

You guys see the pool?

Come on, Barney.

What a great fuckin' house.

Damn it, Sadie!

Will you stop blowing that horn?

I'm coming.

How can you even go in that damn house?

Shut that damn mouth of yours.

You're always running off your mouth.

There's someone coming up the hill!

Hello, hi, hope you enjoy your weekend.

Nice to see you again, Connie.

Hi!

- Uh, this is Tina.
- Hi.

Are the boys here?

They're inside,

but I want you to meet
my lovely wife, Sadie.

Hi!

Let's get the hell outta here.

Oh, we have to be going now.

You know, a real estate
agent's job is never done.

Hey, Mark, we'll be in the kitchen.

Yo.

- Hey, Johnny?
- Yeah?

You think we can, uh,

get the girls to swim
naked with us tonight?

You sound like Mark.

Barney, the reason why we're here

is to help Jerry, all right?

Not to get laid.

That's easy for you to say.

Hey, how come such an old house
has such a modern kitchen?

I don't know, ask Jerry.

This place gives me the creeps.

Barney, don't start with
that horror movie shit.

I don't want a weekend of you
trying to scare everybody.

Don't worry.

All I want this weekend is
to get Tina in the pool,

naked as a jaybird.

It just fell, I didn't even touch it.

I just hope
this place isn't haunted.

I hope a guy in a hockey mask
named Jason doesn't show up.

Well, we finally made it.

Hey, look, everybody's here.

Hi!

Hey, I think the girls are here.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, Betty and Sammy
are coming too, you know?

Why'd Jerry invite those snobs?

Man, they're gonna be
totally useless this weekend.

Come on, they're Jerry's friends.

He's the only one in class
that can stand Sammy.

Well, Betty's not too bad.

She was eyeing me in class last week.

She wants me.

Hey, Mark.

You think every girl wants you.

Why wouldn't they?

Barney, if you were a
girl, wouldn't you want me?

If I were a
girl, I'd become a lesbian.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, Barn, you coming?

Look how fresh this heart is.

Come on, Connie and Tina are here.

Let's go!

Good, I'm gonna start cooking
before this heart goes bad.

Hey, look who finally showed up!

Hi.
- Hey, where's Jerry?

- I don't know.
- Hey, you made great time.

Sammy, hi.

I don't understand where Jerry is.

Hey, where should we put our bags?

This house is so big, that's
why Jerry and I picked it.

Sammy and Betty,

why don't you take the first
bedroom up in the west wing?

Will that give us enough privacy?

Stop, Sammy!

Yes, I know how wild you guys are.

Mark, you and Johnny take
the bedroom next to them,

and Tina and I will be down the hall.

What about Barney and Jerry?

Well, there's seven more
bedrooms for them to choose from.

- Jerry's gay!
- Ha!

I'm not gonna share a bedroom

with a guy who's hot for my body.

How are you, Connie?

How are you, Barney?

- I'm hungry.
- What else is new?

And why do you think
my future husband is gay

and is hot for your cute body?

Well, where is he?

I mean, we got a house full
of beautiful women here

and he's nowhere to be found.

He must be gay.

Barney watches too many movies.

He thinks this whole weekend

is gonna be one long orgy.

Well, who knows?

Speak for yourself, Connie.

Barney, if Jerry and I ever break up,

you better watch out, 'cause you're mine.

Connie, you better hope
you guys don't break up.

This guy is like an elephant.

He never forgets.

You know, Jerry really appreciates

what you guys are doing for him,

but all joking aside, there's
a lot of hard work to be done.

So if any of you wanna back out now...

Great.

Oh, you guys are so special,

and I know Jerry will tell you
how much when he gets back.

Oh, I really care for you guys.

Okay, enough mushy stuff.

There's a lot of work
to do, let's get to it.

Yeah, I'm ready for some hard work!

Yeah!

Hey, um, first let's all unpack.

Then Mark, if you could
unpack those cartons,

and Tina, you can start right here.

Okay.

Now, Barney, what room
would you be most useful in?

The bedroom.

How about, uh... the kitchen?

You know, Sammy, this really
is gonna be a great weekend.

We're gonna have fun.

I'll bet.

I saw how you were looking
at that dumb jock, Mark.

You're jealous.

You know how I get

when I think about another
guy looking at you.

You have nothing to
worry about, darling.

Besides, why would I wanna
go out with a urologist?

Especially when you have me,

a kinky ear, nose and throat man.

- Kinky? What?
- Tonight, you get a spanking.

Yes.

Yes, I know.

Okay.

Um, look, if he arrives back there,

tell Jerry we're all at the house.

I don't think Jerry would
leave without saying goodbye.

Tina, don't worry about Jerry.

He probably just went
back to town for supplies.

Without his car, Johnny?

What'd he do, walk?

Okay, well, we'll
keep an eye out for him.

He probably just went for a walk.

Bye.

♪ We're gonna have a
little party tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock and
roll until morning light ♪

♪ We're gonna dance tonight, too ♪

♪ I'm gonna make it with you ♪

♪ We're gonna party the whole night long ♪

♪ I'm gonna take your
hand and pull you along ♪

♪ We'll be so happy we won't
know right from wrong ♪

♪ We'll put our problems on hold ♪

♪ We'll keep the dreams nice to come ♪

♪ We're gonna party the whole night long ♪

♪ We've got the house all to ourselves ♪

♪ We've got the energy to go ♪

♪ Just put our work back on the shelf ♪

♪ We've got the hours to use ♪

♪ There's not a minute to lose ♪

Wow, Connie.

♪ It isn't every night
we've got all the time ♪

♪ To need each other when
we don't need a dime ♪

♪ To make the fun last all night ♪

♪ To keep the energy right ♪

♪ To make the party last all night long ♪

♪ We'll stay awake by
doing what we do best ♪

♪ We'll keep on having our
fun until we see morning sun ♪

♪ We're gonna party the whole night long ♪

♪ We've got the house all to ourselves ♪

♪ We've got the energy to go ♪

♪ Just put our work back on the shelf ♪

♪ We've got the hours to use ♪

♪ There's not a minute to lose ♪

What's this, a tape?

♪ It isn't every night
we've got all the time ♪

♪ To need each other when
we don't need a dime ♪

- What are you doing, Mark?
- Hey!

We were just getting into it.

- Mark.
- What?

- Connie?
- Yeah, what's wrong?

I thought you said
Jerry's car was outside.

It is, by the garage.

- No, it's not.
- What?

- Look for yourself.
- Come on.

Go away, go away!

Oh my God, oh my God!

Soon, they'll be dead.

All dead! Soon, they are dead!

Why, God?

Why the children?

I looked out when I heard
the motor and it was gone.

What's going on?

Is this Jerry's idea of a joke?

No. Come on, you guys.

This is a big house.

We probably just missed him

and he got in his car and
went for more supplies.

Bullshit.

This is really weird.

No, come on.

You know Jerry, he's just
so obsessed with this house,

he's running around half crazed.

It just doesn't make any sense

to leave without saying anything.

I hope he's not mad or anything.

We get here, this weird
guy Burns greets us, right?

Jerry's nowhere to be
found, his car is gone.

Alas, poor Jerry.

We knew him well.

Cut it out, Barn.

You guys stay here,

look for this invisible car.
I'm gonna finish dinner.

Tina, the car just didn't disappear.

Jerry drove it away.

He told me he probably wouldn't

make it up here tomorrow, anyway.

Let's not make a big deal
out of this, all right?

Connie's right.

He'll be back, don't worry.

I got goosebumps.

I got something that'll
take care of that.

Why would Jerry do something like this?

I don't know, John.

I don't know.

♪ Party the whole night,
party the whole night ♪

♪ Party the whole night long ♪

You and Johnny broke up six months ago.

Come on, I want you and you want me.

Johnny said a girl
should never ask for sex.

That's silly.

Remember the time you
almost let me have you

in the x-ray room?

Barney, you should see the wine cellar

they have down there.

Barn?

Hey, Barney?

Come on, you're gonna love it.

I don't want you to think I'm a slut.

Baby, I could never think that!

Come on, Johnny just
wasn't man enough for you.

Okay, now lay back and let
Tina put on a show for my man.

See anything you like?

Here, let me help you off with these.

Ooh, I feel like I'm
unwrapping a Christmas present.

Mm, let's get these off now.

Now, what do we have here?

Mm, Mark, those stories are true.

Come here.

Mm, oh.

♪ My darling man ♪

You are so sexy.

You know, Johnny is a fool.

Yeah, let me tell you, this
is going to be so good.

Wow, kinky.

Who taught you that?

Not Johnny.

- What?
- You know.

- What, strip?
- No, playing with his butt.

I'm not playing with your butt.

Oh, if you're not, who is?

Hey, you guys okay?

You're sick, Barney!

You felt my butt.

Hey, I thought it was Tina's.

You scared the hell outta me, Barney.

Will you cut the sick jokes out?

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

Look, I think dinner is done cooking.

I found some wine for dinner.

Johnny, you don't understand.

Damn!

Breaded calves' heart.

All right, Barney.

- Heart for dinner?
- I think it's disgusting.

If you don't eat it all,
you're getting a spanking.

Jerry makes it better than I do.

I hope he's all right.

Jerry wouldn't just invite
us all here and not show up.

I remember this horror
movie just like that,

where a bunch of people

all start getting killed off one by one.

It was called, uh, Ten Little Indians.

I saw that movie.

At the end of the movie,

you find out the doctor's
really the murderer.

Mm, this is delicious.

One time Jerry cooked me monkey brains.

I loved it.

You'll eat anything.

Try it, go ahead.

Liver and heart are not
my idea of a great meal.

- Just try it.
- Come on.

- Come on, give it a shot.
- Come on.

Take it, now try it.

It smells good.

It tastes like chewy chicken.

Come on, Mark, give me some more.

Okay, but you gotta save some for Jerry.

Attention, people.

Betty and I have an announcement to make.

We were gonna wait 'til Jerry got here,

but the good news just couldn't wait.

Just before dinner,

Dad called from Palm Springs
and starting next fall,

I will be interning

at the same hospital as Jerry and Connie.

Isn't that just the greatest
news you have ever heard?

Yeah, great.

I'm real happy for you, Sam.

Pass the potatoes.

Uh, I didn't make any potatoes.

So Sammy, how did you
get into that hospital?

Dad just knows someone
on the board of directors.

My friend Hal has been trying

to get into that same
hospital for months now.

Them's the breaks.

It just shows you what's
wrong with the system.

Any jerk whose dad's got a
little money can get ahead,

but if you're a great doctor

and you come from a poor
family, you can't get ahead.

You know what they say, Johnny.

It's America.

Love it or leave it.

It must be nice growing up

with a silver spoon in your mouth, Doctor.

What are you trying to say, John?

I'm saying some people
aren't very good doctors,

but manage to get into

one of the best hospitals in the country.

I know it's difficult
for someone like you,

who dropped out of med school
to become an x-ray technician

to put thoughts into words, but go ahead,

spit it out before you
start spitting teeth out.

Okay, you're a jerk

and all your father's
money can't change that.

Would you care to step outside

and we'll see who's
the jerk and who isn't?

Come on, guys, stop this.

We're all friends.

Stop the fighting.

Sammy, sit down.

I can't believe you guys

are fighting over something so silly.

So, uh, Sammy,

that's really great about you
getting into that hospital.

Uh, yeah, that means
that at Jerry and Connie

and us will be neighbors.

Hey, Barney, you got any
more of these great potatoes?

I told you I didn't make any potatoes.

Well, whatever they are, they're great.

Oh, those.

Those are called

those are called Rocky Mountain oysters.

I love oysters!

You got any more?

Nope.

Mark, don't you know what
Rocky Mountain oysters are?

No, what are they?

Oh my God!

- Gross!
- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick!

Take it away.

Hey, shh, wait.

He's surprising us.

One, two, three!

Hey, Jerry!

Hello, I'm Chief Cash.

Can I come in?

Sure.

- Is anything wrong?
- Is it about Jerry?

Have any of you seen this boy?

His name is Donald Cartwright.

He's a delivery boy from the market.

Now, this was his last delivery,

but he never returned
to the market, or home,

and his parents are worried sick.

Has anyone seen him?

No.

Well, if he turns up,
you'll call the station.

Uh, Chief, do you need
any help looking for him?

No, it's not the first
time the kid's disappeared.

What's wrong, Chief?

Well, it's just...

I never thought I'd enter
this damn house again.

Well, I gotta be going now.

Try the real estate guy, Burns.

Oh, yeah.

He might know where the kid is.

Yeah, yeah.

Three weeks ago, the kid
disappeared for two days.

He said he was going to London
to become a secret agent.

You know kids.

Well, goodbye.

Goodnight!

What was that all about?

Connie.

Is this house haunted or something?

Well, Jerry wanted to tell you,

but since he's not here, I guess I will.

Um, after we clean the dinner dishes

I have a story to tell you.

Let's all meet in the living
room in about 10 minutes, okay?

Oh, jeez!

Cash to base, Cash to base.

Damn you, Freddy.

Where the hell are you?

Chief Cash, I can hear you now.

Good, now stay on the ball.

The med students say they haven't seen

or heard of the delivery kid,

so I'm going to head
on up to the old well.

You stay posted there

and if you spot anything,
you give me a yell.

Right, Chief.

If I see those kids
smoking pot or anything,

you'll be the first to know.

Now don't do
anything foolish, Freddy.

Just keep an eye on the house

and if you spot the caretaker
Burns fired, you let me know.

Should I capture him?

No, I've told you a hundred times.

The caretaker is only
wanted for questioning.

Okay, if I see him, I'll call you.

If I see anything strange, I'll call you.

Right.

Oh, and Jack will be here to
take your place at 6:00 a.m.

You know, I can see a car from here.

- That's good, Freddy.
- I love this modern stuff.

You know, I feel like
I'm just talking to you

just a few feet away.

If you are through
playing, I'm gonna sign off.

I just have, um, one question.

What is that, Freddy?

Now, don't get upset at
me, I'm just trying to help.

I am not upset with you!

Remember, Chief,

I'm working all night as a favor to you.

I'm not a police officer yet.

I know, I know.

And I thank you for it.

So, what's the question?

Who's the guy sitting in
the police car with you?

There's nobody here but me.

What are you talking about?

- The guy in the car.
- I'm the only one in the car.

What the hell are you talking about?

The guy in the backseat.

The backseat?

Chief?

Chief?

Can you hear me?

Are you there?

Chief Cash, can you hear me?

Look, I'm trying to do the best I can.

The radio doesn't work.
Nothing works, Chief.

So what am I gonna do?

Chief?

You're dead.

Uh, Martin must be here.

Um, the stories are true.

Okay, I'm gonna get help!

So when he found this great house

at such an unbelievable
price, he jumped at it.

- Why so cheap?
- Fear.

The whole community's afraid
of what happened here.

What happened here?

Who cares?

I don't believe in ghosts.

But Sammy, I wanna hear.

You can stay here and
listen to dumb stories.

Or we can go upstairs and have some fun.

- Okay.
- Excuse us, folks.

Betty and I are gonna hit the hay.

Goodnight.

Goodnight!

See you tomorrow.

You're probably wondering

why this place has so many bedrooms.

Well, about 10 years ago,

it used to be a foster home for children.

A nice old man named Wright ran the place

and the old man hired an
18 year-old college student

whose name was Martin to
help him with the children.

Martin was very cruel to the kids,

and one day, three of them
accused Martin of molesting them.

Damn it!

What's wrong now, honey?

The hot water is off.

I'm gonna call that guy
from the real estate office.

- Isn't it after 10 o'clock?
- So?

So he's not gonna come
all the way out here

just to fix the hot water.

He will if he expects to sell this dump.

Anyway, you gotta know how to
deal with these people, honey.

It's like Dad always says,

you don't just ask for what you want,

you demand it.

Ooh, that's what I
like about you, Sammy.

Now, what do you like about me?

I like the way you're
so demanding, so dominant.

Sadie, what's wrong?

Come on, honey bun.

It's been almost two weeks.

I'm so horny.

Stop begging, you worm.

My first husband never begged.

You used to think my begging was sexy.

I used to think you still cared for me

and didn't think of it as a meal ticket.

Now, will you please
just get away from me?

Just get away.

Listen, bitch.

A man has needs and if you
won't do your wifely duties,

I'll take what I want.

You're not man enough!

We'll see who wears
the pants in this family.

Saved by the bell.

- What time is it?
- Oh, 10:30.

10:30?

My god, it's the middle of the night.

Hello?

What?

Oh, hello.

The hot water is off?

All right, I'll be over
first thing in the morning.

All right, I'll be right over.

Work.

Sadie, I have to go out.

Be back in an hour.

I never should have fired that caretaker.

You'd do anything to
sell that damn house.

Don't be such a fool.

The money's for both of us.

I wouldn't go near that house.

Give us a kiss.

Be careful.

That place gives me the creeps.

Is my hair on straight?

Well, Martin was finally found innocent.

The kids admitted that they lied,

but Martin's father hung himself

before finding out his son was not guilty.

A week later, Martin returned to the house

and cut the throats of all
the children in their sleep.

Then he set the house on
fire and he killed himself.

When the fire was put out,
Martin's body was never found,

so the rumors started.

Crazy stories about the ghost
of Martin roaming the woods,

killing everyone that
wanders near this house.

I'm leaving.

Sit down, Barney.

Don't worry, Barney.

No one's been murdered or missing

for the past 10 years this
house has been vacant.

Yeah, where's Jerry
and the delivery kid?

They'll show up.

Jerry probably just went
back to school for something.

You know, you're all Jerry's friends,

and the reason he asked
you up here this weekend

is because Jerry wants to reopen the house

as a foster home again for children.

That's why he's
specializing in pediatrics.

And if all of us future
doctors could lend a hand,

maybe his dream could come true.

- I'll do anything I can.
- Me too.

No legend is gonna scare me off.

Just give me some sandpaper
and lead me to the nursery.

Great!

Why didn't Jerry tell us about this

before we all got here?

I mean, we're about 50
miles from nowhere here.

I don't like being played for a sucker!

Well, Jerry and Sammy
came up here a week ago

and they decided not to tell you

until after you got here
because it might scare you off!

Yeah, well, he was right!

I'm going back to town.

- You can't be serious!
- Come on, dude.

Stay! Stay, Barney.

Because something special's
going to happen at midnight.

Yeah, what?

Well, we're all going
to go skinny dipping.

Real special.

I'll see you guys in the morning.

You're being a real asshole, Barney.

At least I'm gonna be a live asshole.

Come on, Mark, let's go.

Come on!

Take off.

Just drive me into town!

I don't think I will, Barney,

if you're gonna be such a jerk.

Walk.

Tina, were you driving?

No way, Barney, grow up.

Where's Sammy?

Sammy and Betty are in bed

and they don't want to
be disturbed, understand?

You guys all suck.

Sammy, I let you spank
me, but this is too weird.

You said it was your secret fantasy.

I know.

Come on, I bought
all this leather stuff.

- Please, come on.
- Okay, okay, okay.

But only if next time, I'm the
master and you're the slave.

Okay, okay.

Now you're gonna get it, slave.

Now, I'm gonna show you how
a master treats a slave.

What are you laughing at?

- You look so silly.
- I look?

I'll show you who looks silly.

Oh, no, wait, what is that?

Come on, you're gonna love it.

You are gonna love this.

Now I'm gonna fulfill your
wildest fantasy, slave.

Damn it!

Nothing's working tonight.

There's some more in the kitchen.

You wait right here.

Where am I gonna go?

- Don't move.
- I won't.

I'll be right back, okay?

Bye.

Hey, Sammy, will you drive me into town?

I'm busy, Barn. Anyway,

we're gonna start fixing this place up.

Wait, wait!

What are you two doing up there?

What do you think, jerk?

Oh, no, no!

Don't you guys have sex or anything.

Are you outta your mind?

No, no, you don't understand.

Didn't they tell you about Martin?

About the kids?

I know all about
Martin and the children,

but that was 10 years ago, smart boy.

What about Jerry?

Where the fuck is he?

And then the delivery kid.

Where are they?

You're a doctor, man.

Think! Think about it!

It all falls into place.

You're losing it, guy.

Jerry's gonna show up tomorrow.

You'll see.
- You'll see?

Bullshit!

Jerry and that kid are dead,

and if we don't get outta here soon,

we we're gonna be Martin's next victims.

Would you shut up?

Now, you're gonna scare the others.

You've been reading too many
of these horror magazines.

Can't you see what I'm saying?

I'm not gonna stay here and
listen to more of this crap.

No, wait, wait!

Just gimme another minute.

Okay, but lower your voice.

You're gonna scare the others.

Okay, I am convinced...

Shh!

Fuck!

I am convinced a mental case mass murderer

is gonna kill us all.

Why?

How the fuck should I know
why a maniac is gonna kill us?

Lower your voice, or I'm leaving.

Okay!

I don't know why the
maniac is gonna kill us.

Maybe we're reopening a school.

That doesn't make any sense.

It never makes any sense!

Why is the guy in Halloween

trying to kill Jamie Lee Curtis?

Why do those dumb kids keep
going back to Camp Crystal Lake?

Let Jason chop them and
their legs and their...

- Barney, calm down.
- And their face and what?

Barney, everything's gonna be all right.

No one's dead, you'll see.

Now, get some sleep. Tomorrow,
everything will look better.

But, but...

Now, I'd love to stay here
and chat with you all night,

but Betty's waiting, if
you know what I mean.

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

You are gonna have sex with her.

You're gonna have sex with her and don't!

Don't do it, don't!

Don't touch her.

Come on, every time someone
has sex in a horror story,

they get murdered.

Really, it's true!

You don't believe me, here.

Enough is enough!

I'm getting pissed with this stuff.

It's not funny anymore, Barney.

Now, if you don't wanna stay here

and help Jerry fix this
place up, leave. Take a hike.

Let me borrow your car.

My Mercedes?

You've gotta be kidding.

Now leave me alone, Barney.

I'm busy.

Jerry?

Where's the whipped cream?

- Check the microwave.
- Very funny, here it is.

What are you two doing up there?

- Nothing.
- Can we watch?

No!

Look, Betty and I are having
a little harmless fun,

and anyone who comes near our bedroom

will get their throat slit,

just like the night
Martin went nuts.

God, that Sammy's a pervert.

That's your trouble, Johnny.

That's why it was so easy
for him to get Tina from you.

I was tired of Tina.

Who are you trying to kid?

Come on, you take sex too seriously.

It's supposed to be fun.

Thank you, Doctor.

Well, listen. Now,
tonight, we go to swimming,

we've gotta try to get the girls alone.

I know if I can get Tina
by herself, I'll get her.

You work on Connie.

Connie's Jerry's girl.

That's your trouble, Johnny.

Nobody's nobody's girl
until you marry 'em.

Besides, Connie thinks you're hot.

I heard her telling Tina she
thinks you have a hot body.

- Really?
- Yeah!

So when we go swimming,
you work on Connie.

She wants you.

You're full of it.

Listen, I'll prove it.

When you go swimming,

there's a surefire way
to tell if she wants you.

How?

Rub yourself all over.

Your arm, your legs, your butt.

It turns them on!
- Rub myself?

Listen, I bet you 50 bucks,

if you rub, Connie's
gonna get so turned on,

she'll ask you to be alone.

You got a bet.

I'm back!

And you're gonna love this, honey.

Don't be afraid.

I'm studying to be a proctologist.

Oh honey, I love it when you
make those sounds, I really do.

Oh, sweetie, whipped
topping on your belly?

Oh, it's all right.

Don't worry, it's not that cold.

And tomorrow night,
we'll start painting.

Gee, I hope everything works
out with you and Jerry.

Thanks, Tina.

You know, in a few months,

this whole house could be filled

with laughing, happy children.

How old will they be?

I mean, I wouldn't mind being in a house

filled with cute 17 year-old boys.

- You're sick, Tina.
- I know.

Seriously, most of the
kids are abused children

from about five to 15 years old.

- I really hate children.
- Cut it out.

You know, this nursery's
gonna be my favorite room.

I can just picture it
filled with little babies.

Babies?

You didn't say anything about
babies, that's hard work.

Not if you love it, but not at first.

First, we'll get the older kids,

then when the county sees
we're doing a good job,

we'll be allowed to care for children.

And you're looking forward to that?

Years ago, they used to keep
six infants in this nursery.

Um, Connie, remember
when that guy, Marty...

Martin.

Yeah, Martin.

Well, remember when that
guy Martin went crazy

and killed all those children?

He didn't touch the babies.

Four newborn boys and two baby girls.

They had blue blankets for the boys

and bright pink blankets for the girls.

The older children were all
found first in their beds.

Each one had been tied down

and stabbed from four to 12 times.

Martin saved all the children for last.

One by one, he cut their little throats.

Around each bed was a
thin trickle of blood

and then one larger puddle.

It was as if he held
each one by their feet

and let it all drain out.

Four boys and two girls.

The police said one of the
babies must have been too noisy,

because her tongue was cut out.

Oh, Connie, I think I'm gonna be sick.

I'm sorry.

I'm just so fascinated with the story.

You and Jerry must be crazy

to move into this house
after what happened.

Tina, you don't understand.

If we could make some good
come from that sick evil,

you know, help some children,
it would all be worth it.

I don't know, it gives me the creeps.

Let's change the subject.

You know what really scares me?

What?

Being up here all alone
with those horny guys.

Mark is so cute,

but when Johnny gives me
those puppy dog eyes, I melt.

You have to pick one.

I know, but if Mark wears that bikini

when we go swimming, it's no contest.

Ooh, maybe I should warn Johnny.

Tina, Connie, come on!

Hey, last one in's the horny virgin.

- Is it cold?
- I can't swim.

Oh, come on!

- Mr. Burns.
- Hi.

Sam called and said something
about the hot water.

- Uh, what about it?
- It isn't working.

I'm here to fix it.
- Oh, good.

Uh, look, when you're done,
will you gimme a ride into town?

They told you about crazy Martin.

Where are the others?

Are they scared, too?

No, they're swimming.

Nothing seems to scare them.

It's just... I remembered

I have an important
meeting in the morning.

Don't worry, you
don't have to lie to me.

If you're scared, you're scared.

Just let me fix your boiler
and I'll drive you into town.

Hell, even my wife is
scared of this house.

- Where are you going?
- To the basement.

That's where the boiler is.

Oh, right.

The basement door is in the kitchen.

I know that, son.

Uh, hurry, okay?

And I wouldn't worry.

I think Jerry's gonna buy
this place and reopen it.

Hey, don't worry.

Jerry probably just forgot something.

I know, I know.

Hey, would you do me a favor?

There's something wrong with
Johnny, a rash or something.

If you notice, could you check it out?

Dermatology is my specialty.

Damn, damn, damn.

Who's there?

Don't come near me.

I have a screwdriver here.

Oh, it's you.

Don't ever do that again.

You scared the life outta me.

Is this a party?

Why are you wearing that mask?

Ow, ow!

Ow!

She told me she wants you.

What should I do?

Go talk to her.

Get her alone.

Remember, rub yourself.

It won't work.

Yes, it will.

Hey, Connie, how about those Dodgers?

Dodgers?

What about them?

Well, you know, I really like baseball

and all the time that
we spend in med school,

we don't get a chance to see any games.

Is, uh, everything all right?

Yeah.

I was really wondering if we
can go someplace and be alone.

Oh, yeah, I understand.

Um, how about my room?

I have something that might help you out.

- Really?
- Yeah, come on.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Connie?

Mr. Burns is in the
basement fixing something.

When he's done, he's taking me into town.

I understand, Barney.

Come on.

The children are dead.

Get out!

The children are dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Come on, let's go.

No, I told you I'm saving myself.

For what?

You were giving yourself to me before.

So you do think I'm a slut.

I'm hurt, I'm really hurt.

I like you, Mark, I really do.

I don't wanna hurt you.

Well, I like you, too, Tina.

But... well, it hurts me
when you say things like

I think you're a slut
because I want to have sex,

make love with you.

I mean, it just hurts me to think

you think that little of me.

Well, I'm sorry.

It's just that whenever
we're alone together,

all you ever do is think about sex.

I'm sorry, it's
just... it's been so long.

I'm not like the other guys, Tina,

I don't have sex with
people just to get off.

I'm not like Johnny.

Johnny's like that?

Well, I don't want to talk about

one of my best friends or anything,

but as we speak, Johnny's
in Connie's bedroom,

and well, he's hitting on her.

- What a creep!
- I know, I know.

But that's how some guys are.

They only care about their own needs.

Not me.

I care about you, Tina.

Well, I won't push the issue.

Thank you.

I respect you.

I know you do.

And no matter how much
pain I'm in, I won't ask.

Pain, you're in pain?

Tina, you're studying
to be a nurse, right?

Haven't you ever heard about
how some guys get blue balls?

I thought that was a myth.

I wish it was, but it's not.

Here, let me show you.

- I guess it's true.
- Told you.

I'd love to help you with
your pain, Mark, but I can't.

Mr. Burns?

Hello?

Oh my God, Mr. Burns?

Hey, what's taking you so long, huh?

What the heck is that?

Oh my God!

Oh my God, it's his hairpiece.

Hey!

Hey, Martin!

Martin!

Goddammit, I'm locked in! No!

No!

Shit.

Ow, fuck!

Damn it.

Help!

Help!

God.

Shit!

Hmm.

You know, I am studying the
spine, being a doctor and all.

Well, okay.

I'll let you give me your world
famous massage, but first...

We'll check under the bed.

I promise.

I think I have just what you need.

I'm so glad this is happening.

Why shouldn't it happen?

We're friends.

I never thought of it that way.

What are friends for, right?

Right.

I really like you, Connie.

I really like you too, Johnny.

Johnny, come on, stop that tickles.

Johnny, stop!

Johnny, stop it!

But I thought that...

Here, rub this on you.

It'll help your rash.

- What?
- It's all right.

Mark told me you had a rash

and that's why you've
been rubbing yourself.

You have a rash.

A rash?

I was rubbing myself to turn you on.

- Turn me on?
- Yeah.

Mark said that you liked me

and that you wanted to be with me.

You?

Jerry and I are getting married.

Johnny, we're friends.

I don't know what to say, Connie.

This is Mark's idea of a joke, he said...

Oh, God!

Look, I'm really embarrassed.

Oh, it's okay!

I understand, you don't have
to be embarrassed.

Wait, stop.

It's okay, I got a
vasectomy when I was 17.

You can't get pregnant.

It's not that!

I just don't wanna get started
and have to stop again.

Check the room, look under the bed.

Come on, there's no one here.

I'm getting blue balls.
- You promised!

Okay.

Okay.

You see, there's no
one behind the curtain.

No one under the bed.

And there's no one hiding in the closet.

Come on, you guys, stop fooling around.

Come on, take off that dumb mask.

Oh, what are you gonna do, kill me?

Just don't mess up my hair, okay?

Okay, come on, kill me.

Okay, I'm good.

Okay, all right, you happy now?

Come on, cut it out.

Come on!

I'm sorry.

I'm just really upset about
what happened here tonight.

I wish I could crawl into
that bed and just hide.

Cut it out, I've already
forgotten all about it.

Thanks.

When I get my hands on Mark, I'm...

Goodnight, Johnny.

And don't be too mad at Mark.

Barney?

What are you doing?

Are you gonna kill me?

Oh, no!

Martin!

You're Martin!

Martin, don't kill me!

I'll do anything, Martin!

I'm sorry, Martin!

Look, Martin, if you're killing us

'cause you think we're doctors,

I'm only an x-ray technician.

Martin, what are you doing?

Look, Martin, you can't
turn the microwave on

with the door open.

Martin, let me go!

I won't tell anyone.

Kill Connie, she's upstairs!

Martin, let me go!

Oh my God, it's not gonna work.

I don't feel anything.

It's not gonna work.

Mother, is that you?

I didn't touch the pie.

Papa, fishing?

I am Johnny.

I am three years old.

I go pee.

I am young again.

I am young again.

It's not working.

Tina?

Mark?

Are you guys okay?

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

Yes, give me the sheriff!

Sheriff, something's
happening here at the house.

I think it's Martin.

Hello?

Hello?

Damn it, damn it!

Sammy, Betty?

Jerry!

Jerry, stop Martin!

Who is that?

Is that you, Martin?

Come out, Martin, I'll
blow your fucking head off!

Oh!

Jerry!

Oh!

No, get away!

Get away from me, Martin!

They're dead!

You killed them all, you bastard!

No, stop!

Stop!

Stop, damn you!

Martin, stop, stop!

Stop.

I am not Martin!

Everyone hated Martin.

Those children lied.

They deserved to die!

Martin was a good boy.

I loved him.

He was my baby.

I warned you to stay out of this house!

Martin was your son?

Yes, and now he's dead!

He was too sensitive.

That's why he died.

People like you hurt him.

- I never even met him.
- Oh, shut up, you tramp!

I didn't want to do this.

I had to, you made me!

That worm of a husband of mine,
trying to sell this place.

This place should be a temple to my son!

Look, you're... you're bleeding.

Let me help you!
- You think I'm a fool?

I killed everyone for my baby,

but I don't want to do it.

I have to.

Why did you lie about my son?

I didn't!

You killed my son and
now I am going kill you!

Oh my God, you're still alive!

You're damn right I'm alive.

I'm locked down here.

I don't know what to do.

I'm screaming my idiot head
off and I start thinking,

all these horror movies I've been seeing,

she wouldn't kill me if she
thought I was already dead.

She couldn't accept the
fact that her son was dead,

and when her second husband
was gonna sell the place,

she went crazy.

Let's get outta here.

Hey,
you're tuned to Punk Rock Don

and we're coming up on news time.

Neil, our news man, just
came into the studio.

How you doing, Bart?

Great, Punk Rock
Don, I'm ready with the news.

What's the top story, Bart?

Well, it's been almost two weeks

since the bloody murders
at the old foster home

and police are still
finding bits and pieces

of the dead medical students.

You know what they say?

Everybody wants a piece of a
young medical student, Bart.

That's sick, Punk Rock Don.

You know, I heard
that some of the kids

ate some of the other kids

and one guy had his head
popped in a microwave oven.

According to Barney Weiss,

one of the young students
who survived the massacre,

Sadie Burns, the alleged killer,

tried to torture her
victims before killing them.

It's over.

God.

Is anybody there?

Who is it?

Is anybody there?

No, no, you're dead!

No!

Oh!

No, you're dead!

I killed you!

I killed you!

No!

Please, don't!

Why? Why are you doing this?

You're dead!

No, no, please!

No!

No!

My god, you should see your face!

You were so scared.

It's me, Barney.

Why?

This is not funny!

Oh, come on.

Don't don't be mad, it's a joke.

In all the horror movies,

the killer always comes back.

I went to her funeral.

She's dead and buried.

You should have seen your face
when I walked in the door.

You were scared.

Hey, don't be mad at me,
it's just a joke.

This is the best joke I've ever played!

I can't believe you fell for it!

Most fun I've had in two weeks!

Barney?

No, what are you doing?

Are you crazy?

No, please, no!