Evil Bong: High 5 (2016) - full transcript

(wind howling)

(bats chirping)

(bubbling)

(thunder booming)

(crows cawing)

(gentle music)

(man groaning)

- What are you
guys talkin' about?

(woman sighs)

Really?

So juicy, tell me more.



(man groans)

I just love my new
wardrobe Sarah,

especially this.

Don't you just love it Larnell?

It's made out of all
locally grown fabric,

hemp, naturally.

- It's the tops V, get it?

Man even my jokes
are super lame now.

- Don't sweater it buddy,

yarn not doing so bad.

- I gotta hand it to you V,

you always seem to know how to

look on the bright
side of things.

- Well I just do
what my daddy told me



when I was running
for homecoming queen.

- Which was?

- Stick your tits out and smile.

- Sound advice,

some knucks.

- And if I didn't
I'd go bat shit crazy

and kill every sucker who
looked at me sideways.

- Oh.

- This is so boring.

How long has it been anyway?

- Way long dude.

According to my calculations

it's been at least six months,

see?

Oh I sort of gave
up after a while.

- Do we have to be up here?

- It's no use,

if it was triable
we've tried it.

EeBe found out how
we escaped before

and sealed up all
the rabbit holes.

- She has to have
an Achilles heel.

- Yeah, and a weak spot too.

- No I'm telling you girls,

if it was triable
we've tried it.

We're gonna be stuck in here

for a long time.

Nothing to look forward to,

except Sarah's fall lineup.

- I do have something in mind

that's gonna wow the critics.

- Maybe we should
talk to Rabbit,

he's always helped us before.

- That kinky freak?

He loves it in
here, he's got like

Bong-holm Syndrome.

He's loving every second of this

incarceration.

- If we keep moping around here

without motivation
then we're never gonna

get outta here.

I for one am running
out of sweater patterns.

- That does it,

we have to find Rabbit
and figure our way out.

- There was that method
of reverse thinking

that used to work.

- Like if you wanted out
you had to convince yourself

that you wanted to stay?

- Yeah.

- Exactly, everything
was opposite.

But you had to totally
clear your thoughts

to get your mind in
that state of zen.

And it's not as easy
to get your brain pan

as empty as Rabbit's.

- What was that method
that Rabbit used

last time to escape?

- Nothing Head, that's it,

trademark and patent pending.

Now if you kids would
just scoot along.

I got some high pressure
business to take care of.

(laughing)

Ms. Dennet.

Oh, right hand on green.

Oh.

(laughing)

Oh.

- Occupied.

- [Rabbit] Oh, Funnel Mister.

- Not a problem pal.

- Let's play again.

- This is the best game ever.

- This is all they ever do.

- London Bridge is falling down,

falling down, falling down.

- It's so degrading.

- I know.

They never let me play.

- [Monster] Save some for me.

- Rabbit?

- [Monster] Yeah, yeah.

- Really gotta rap with you

about something.

- Can't it wait?

- [Monster] Yeah.

- I'm in the middle of some

high pressure competition here.

(laughing)

- Come on Brosario Dawson,

we gotta talk, now.

Look, the girls
and I were talking,

and we all decided
that enough is enough.

We need to get outta
here and get back

to our complicated, screwed up,

kinda normal lives.

And you are gonna pull up those

training socks Rabbit,

and help us out.

- We've been over
this 1,000 times.

She's changed the
whole Bong World.

She who must not be named--

- You mean E--

- Eh eh ay ay ay.

- Oh.

- If you say her name,

she'll show up

and harsh

our marvelous mellow.

(laughing)

- Come on dude.

- She's sealed up
all the rabbit holes.

Sorry, I can't help ya.

- Don't you wanna
get out there and

do what you do?

- Whatever you guys
wanna do, it's cool.

- Rabbit.

Teach us the ways
of Nothing Head.

- I don't know.

- Come on dude.

We're all just
wasting away in here.

At least out there in
that cruel cruel world,

we have a chance to one day...

I got nothing.

- Please.

Show us your hole.

(laughing)

(calm reggae music)

* In the morning in the night

* When I don't feel so right

* Up through the misty haze

* The green will
grind up my days

* Cloud smoke to clear my mind

* Just enough to hemp unwind

* Everywhere I go I take it

* Oh it's like I can't escape it

* Only thing I need

* Need green wicked weed

* Every from the devil's seed

* Fiending for it every day

* You know I want that Mary Jane

* Evil green wicked weed

* You got a hold of me

* Fiending for it every day

* You know I want that Mary Jane

* Light the fire

* Spark the tree

* Make it a part of me

* Think of all the
life it breathes

* Just growing from
those little seeds oh

* I forget my smoke today

* Work too hard, get home late

* I just need a break

* Or one more toke
that I can take

* Only thing I need

* Evil green wicked weed

* Carried from the devil's seed

* Fiending for it every day

* You know I want that Mary Jane

* Evil green wicked weed

* You got a hold on me

* Fiending for it every day

* You know I want
that Mary Jane *

(calm trumpet solo)

* Oh evil green wicked weed

* Carried from the devil's seed

* Fiending for it every day

* You know I want that Mary Jane

* Evil green wicked weed

* Carried from the devil's seed

* Fiending for it every day

* Know I want that Mary Jane

* Evil green wicked weed

- Needless to say,

the ways of Nothing Head

are extremely dangerous

and should not be used lightly

or by amateurs.

(man groans)

It has taken years of
training to achieve

nothing-ocity.

Pay close attention.

- Should I be writing this down?

- You already failed.

Writing would mean you
are doing something.

Let all of that go,

flush that something

right out of your brain.

(Rabbit gurgles)

(snapping)

- And boom goes the dynamite.

Nothing Head
achievement unlocked.

- But we've learned nothing.

- Be patient grasshopper.

- Did somebody say grass?

(laughing)

- You did it man,

that was full on Nothing Head.

So talk to me boss,

what'd you see?

A way out of this place?

Maybe some of her weaknesses?

- You guys are cutting
into some serious

Twister time.

- Dude show some respect

and keep it quiet,

the master is at work here.

You are the Nothing Head Ninja.

Okay girls, give it a shot.

(girls exhaling)

- What is this shit?

(heavenly operatic music)

- Anything?

- I thought of a new way

to crochet suspenders.

- I was thinking I could
use new suspenders.

- I'll make it yeah.

- Uh, did you find
your rabbit hole?

- That my friend is

for the Poontang Tribe and

they find it plenty.

- Not that you kinky freak.

I'm talking about a
way out of this place.

- It's useless Larnell.

Nothing Head senses

no weaknesses in the Bong World.

Her karate is strong.

- Who?

- EeBe, gosh dang it.

- I knew I could
get you to say it,

you owe me a buck.

- One of you mother
fuckers call?

- Rabbit did, he misses you.

- I was smack dab
in the middle of

plotting world domination,

what the fuck does
your stupid mouth want?

- I, uh--

- Spit that dick
outta your mouth

and say it.

- I made you something EeBe.

- [EeBe] Mm.

- It even has sleeves
for your tubes.

- Who the fuck's
gonna wear that shit?

- You could've at
least re-gifted it

if you didn't like it.

- All you dumb asses
look like you're

up to no damn good.

- No, no damn good at all.

No damn good at all right girls?

- [Sarah] Mm hmm.

- Mm hmm, better
not not be up to

no damn good if you
know what's good for ya.

- Well, EeBe, if we
were up to no damn good,

would we, I don't know,

find something good?

- You think you can trick me

into revealing my weaknesses?

Let me tell you
something white bread,

there are none.

They're gone like
Rabbit's pride.

- Oh.

- Told ya.

- But while I have you
dopes standing around

with your mouths open,

I'm gonna get down to business.

The domination business.

- Oh yeah, me first,

show me those titties.

- You dumb shits,

not on your life.

I've grown tired of this place.

- Boy howdy.

- I've been thinking too small

all these years, the Bong World

isn't big enough to
contain my bad ass.

I tried to take over
the outside world

by conquering one
tiny domain at a time.

- Here we go.

- But now I'm
ready for a full on

full tilt boogie attack.

- So what you gonna
open up a cupcake chain?

- No shit-for-brains, I'm
gonna rule planet Earth.

I've got it all figured out,

and my accountant has
crunched the numbers.

I'll need some
seed money though,

and that's where you
mother fuckers come in.

- [Girls] Why would we help you?

- You don't have a
choice, that's why.

- Well uh.

(Rabbit clears throat)

- [EeBe] Mm?

- How much seed money

are we talking about?

- One million dollars.

(laughing)

- That's a lot of dough.

- Silence!

I'm gonna send you
outta the Bong World

and back into that shit
hole you call home.

But don't get any
funny fuckin' ideas.

I'll be watching
your every move.

You still under my control

and there's no escape.

You're gonna sell my magic weed

to all the stoner
mother fuckers out there

at an incredibly
fucked up price.

Once they get hooked on my weed,

they won't ever go back to that

skunk weed they've been smoking.

Once you got EeBe smack,

you don't go back.

You got 30 days to
give me my money,

and you bitches
better have my money!

- What the what the?

30 days, dude that's impossible.

- Make it happen mother fucker.

I've already set
up the location.

I'll be watching you.

(Larnell sighs)

(Rabbit breathing heavily)

- We got this right guys?

- I don't know Larnell,

30 days.

Million bucks is a
lot of smack-aroos.

- Oh come on dude,

get on my level for this.

We've done it before right?

You, me, the girls.

One team one dream right guys?

- Yeah.

- No jail can hold us for long.

- Yeah, we're gonna nail her

stupid thing to the thing.

- Nice try sweetie.

- Thanks.

- That reminds me,

the bitches stay here with me.

- Say what?

- Call it insurance.

No time to be playing grab ass

on my dime.

- No way.

- Oh yes way, I have something

special in store
for you bitches.

- Like what?

- I've had a secret
weapon locked away

for a real long time, and
I'm about to unleash it.

- I don't like
the sound of this.

- Me neither.

- Prepare yourself for,

the Poonishers.

(heavenly operatic music)

(fire exploding)

- What in the name of?

(upbeat tribal music)

- My god.

- You sure we can't hang around

for just a little while longer?

- Careful prudes,

they've been known to
chew right on through

chastity belts.

(upbeat tribal music)

- So ew.

- Total ew.

- The Poonishers don't care

if your carpet is clean,

they're gonna munch it anyway.

- Look at those taters.

- You limp dicks better
get your asses gone,

time is my money.

(whip cracks)

- I wanna stay with you.

- Totally sucks dude.

- You heard the

dirty old weed bag.

Time is ticking.

- You really gonna do this?

- We have no choice.

Sarah, if I'm going
back into business,

I need to look like
I mean business,

what do you got?

- I just put the
finishing touches

on this.

Here, oh and and...

This is for you Ginger.

- I like.

- I made a little
karate outfit for you.

Ha-cha-cha.

- You've been holding
out Betsy Ross.

- Away team,

ready yourselves.

(Rabbit inhaling)

- All right dude.

- Weed us up Scotty!

(laser effect)

- Do you think
they're gonna save us?

- We're screwed.

(calm reggae music)

(skateboard rolling)

(laser effect)

- Whoa.

Check out all this cool stuff.

There's a crowbar in my pants.

- More like a thimble.

- Oh, dude look at
all the little EeBes.

And check out you
two kinky freaks.

- Yeah, I look good.

- How'd you change your clothes?

- Anything is possible
once you master

the world of

Nothing Head.

- Well you'd be right
if changing your clothes

could get us out of this mess.

So far Nothing Head
has been nothing

but a big fat nothing.

- Really Larnell?

Really?

Seriously?

- Put yourself in
check Bernie Sanders.

- Calm down fellas.

No need to be at
each other's throats,

get a load of this joint.

- Yeah, I got to admit,

this place is pretty sick.

A lot better than that shit hole

I used to run.

- I find this
environment conducive to

Nothing Head.

- Well you better
find it conducive

to selling a shit
load of weed Rabbit,

or else those Poonishers

gonna be making a box
lunch out of the girls.

If you know what I mean.

- Rabbit knows this.

And Rabbit knows

much more.

- Yeah and what else
does Rabbit know?

- There's a shit
load of weed in here

and Rabbit's gonna grab it.

(laughing)

(Ginger grunting)

- Mind if I cut in?

- You'd be rude not to.

(calm reggae music)

(bong bubbling)

You are such a
weird little animal.

(bong bubbling)

(Ginger coughing)

Dude, that was an epic bong rip.

I love your work.

Pass the baton,

daddy wants to play.

(lighter flicks)

(bong bubbling)

I am a child on
Christmas right now.

This is so wrong I don't
ever wanna be right.

- Jeez, thanks for
sharing your high buddy.

- So, should we continue
the nipple tour?

- Lead the way my liege.

(upbeat music)

(serene music)

Get a load of these digs.

- It is as in my vision.

- Cut the crap Caitlyn Jenner.

Your visions are just
a bunch of brain farts.

Shut the french toast.

Check out the sacred
plant right there.

Look at all that sacred plant.

That's the money maker dude.

- This shit is better
than the other shit.

EeBe would never know

if some was missing.

- I don't know dude.

And that right there,

that's probably for
the queen bitch's

eventual arrival.

Get the common man used to her

eventual overlord dude.

And besides a love
letter to her ego,

what do you think
those bad boys are for?

- We shall pack them with weed

and give them to the customer.

In accordance to prophecy.

- I bet a brown paper bag
is way more efficient.

- Actually it's
probably how she's

gonna keep tabs on sales.

Every time you take one down

from the shelf, she'll feel it.

That will be half a
million smack-aroos sir.

- Well check's in the mail.

- Seriously?

- No dude this is
totally stupid.

- No, seriously, is
the check in the mail?

'Cause we're gonna need
all the cash we can get.

- I'm gonna get high.

(calm music)

- Hey cinnamon buns,
how's it goin'?

Good, hey Phoebe, I
got a little situation

down here, was wondering if

you could help an
older cooler out.

Really?

That's sweet!

Fast as you can,

and oh, dress for
success will ya?

See you in a bit.

- Oh, look-ee here.

- Come on Rabbit,
we don't have time

to play with toys dude.

We gotta get out of this mess.

Get out of EeBe's grasp.

And dude, who knows
what the Poonishers

are doing with the
girls right now.

(machine spraying)

Ya know, I wonder
what the Poonishers

are doing with the
girls right now.

- That's the spirit Larnell,

positive thinking.

I wish I had your
mindset right now,

'cause I'm really freaked
the hell out, I...

- Get on my level bro.

Climb the ladder
of life with me.

I'm higher than Jesus right now.

- Achievement unlocked.

- I love you man.

- Ditto bro.

(laughing)

- How long does this last again?

- Sometimes too long.

(laughing)

(bell ringing)

- Is that the door?

- Build it and they shall come.

- Onward.

(calm hip hop music)

- Phoebe!

(Phoebe giggles)

- Hey Chief.

- What brings you here?

- Well, Gingie and
I exchanged numbers

at the bowling alley.

He said he needed help and

I need a job.

- Well, but you're
still wearing your

Gutter Slut shirt.

The bowling alley is closed.

- I know, I've been
squatting in it

'cause they haven't
bull dozed it yet.

- Real talk Phoebs,

we can't afford to
pay ya anything.

- That's okay, I kinda just
need a new place to stay.

The rats keep eating my food

and stealing my makeup.

- Welcome aboard.

- Wait wait wait wait wait,

Phoebe, remember our

dress code?

In accordance with prophecy.

- Duh boss.

Oh jeez, I paid
good money for 'em,

show 'em off.

(Rabbit breathing heavily)

(Larnell gasping)

- Oh I remember you're

a serious actress and

don't wanna get naked.

Well, Rabbit bestows on you his

semi-approval.

- Thank you Rabbit,

I mean Chief.

- Hey guys, I haven't
checked the location yet,

but if we're anywhere
but San Fran,

we are gonna make a killin'.

- Now, go out there and

find some discerning customers.

Or anybody that
wants to get high.

- You got it.

(laughing)

- I hope so 'cause
Rabbit wanna grab it.

- Up top, ring the bell.

Boom.

(calm music)

- We're doomed if
this doesn't pick up.

- I don't know what
we're doing wrong man.

- You're not
selling enough shit.

- I wish someone
would send me a sign.

(bell rings)

(Larnell yelps)

Holy sagging nut sack,

gramps?

Take back the sign universe.

It's been years.

Should we hug or somethin'?

- I knew I'd find you here.

You inebriated imbecile.

- Always with the kind words,

you cunning linguist.

Should we hug it out?

- You keep your
semen-soaked clothes

off of my person.

- It's been years dude,

got to admit,
looking pretty good.

- The proper word is well hmm?

And you look like something

a raccoon shat out
after Halloween.

- Awesome.

- And of course I'm looking well

because I'm doing well.

Since our fortuitous farewell,

I've refocused my
energies on the positive.

Good people doing good things.

Gone are the muckrakers
and sewer denizens,

ergo, you.

- Cut the shit gramps,

you're an old school
pothead charlatan

who threw everyone under the bus

just to get ahead.

- I was dragged into those
unsavory shenanigans.

By you and your cock
fondling cohorts.

- Give me a break gramps.

- Never.

Huh, look at you.

Still wallowing in your squalor,

and delving in dubious acts

like a pulsating boil
on a viper's vagina.

- Wow, that's actually
a very creative insult.

So what'd you stop
by here for gramps?

You need money?

- We were walking by,

philosophizing the future,

when I suddenly smelled

the stench of desperation.

Huh, I wanted to show
him the other side,

what lies beneath
the toilet of course.

And of course I find you here,

you tenebres corn turd.

- And who is this?

What scam are you
pulling him on?

- This?

This fine young man

is one who should be

lorded for being
everything you are not.

- Oh?

- Hard working.

Top of his class.

Ivy League, no doubt.

Chivalrous and dedicated
to changing the world

through future technologies.

Meet Jeff, Esquire.

- The pleasure is all yours.

- Your half brother.

- Say what the fuck?

Gramps I don't have a brother.

- A long-guarded family secret.

I suppose to keep your
infantile feelings in order,

you know, you're a
thumb sucking stain

on humanity.

- So how did this happen?

- How did it happen?

Huh, there's no
time to educate you

on the doings between
man and woman.

- So different fathers?

- Jeff here is from solid solid

seed stock.

You are the drippings
from under the

titty bar table.

- That's harsh.

- Jeff, ah,

Jeff has made quite
a name for himself

in the world of technology.

Streaming entertainment
to billions of homes

with the click of a button.

- I'm kind of a thing.

- Yeah.

Well you know Jeff, I
do do a little acting

on the side.

(grandpa laughing)

- Ah yes, long
live the thespian.

(laughing)

- It's what I do.

- How did that work
out for you eh?

You mewling meat bag,

not so much an actor

as a line reader

parroting for peanuts

with delusions of grandeur.

- I've actually done
quite a few parts.

- Oh, I recall, I recall yes.

Preening around like you

were the cock of the walk

making demands.

Shaving your taint,

turning away opportunities while

waiting for the big time, huh?

(laughing)

- Hey, that chick from
the Titanic was like 90.

It's a marathon not
a sprint gramps,

just gotta believe.

(laughing)

- And manatees could
fly out my dick hole.

Look at your wasted self now.

Clambering for pennies while

still thinking
you're above it all.

- Like I said, it can happen.

- Indeed.

- So is there a
point to all this?

- The point is,
you're a festering

canker sore on the dick of life.

- Oh.

- Shall we?

- We shall.

I bid you adieu.

(bell ringing)

- I gotta hit the bong, STAT.

- He got you bro.

(bong bubbling)

- Dick.

- Oh wait, here's
some rubes now.

- Tell you what, take
a gander at this joint.

- Classy as shit I tell ya.

- Oh-ee, I should've
worn clean underwear,

I tell you what
the fuck is that?

- Eat me, ah.

- Can I get something
for you guys?

Doctor perhaps?

- Dr. Feelgood I tell ya.

- You can call Dr.
Feel-friggin-awesome

while you're at it I tell.

Ah, I.

- Are you looking
to procure some

medicinal herb?

- I'll tell ya what we want.

- You tell 'em what we want,

what we really really want.

- We wanna get fucked up,

real bad.

- You told 'em what I tell ya.

- Yeah we can do that.

- You tell me what
and I'll tell ya,

if you catch my drift.

Tell it.

- I'm not sure.

- How god damn much
I tell you what?

- I don't like to
judge something

based on how it looks,

but how much money we
talking about here?

- Ah.

Hoo-ee.

- Gonna be a party
tonight I tell ya.

- Sorry guys but we just can't

give away our
product around here.

It's of the finest quality,

and you won't regret
your purchase.

This, it's not enough
to get in the game.

- You don't tell.

- Not sure.

- Tell ya don't.

- Let me tell you,
this fine specimen

is out there working her ass off

on that corner from
sun-up to sun-up,

and you're saying

this fine little moolah maker

ain't making enough moolah?

- Tell you what, I
done bit in there.

Tell you what.

- Not sure I catch the
business end of your operation.

- Oh, show him
your business end.

(woman grunts)

Show it.

I tell you what.

- Oh.

- Kapow.

- Look we're not in the market

to turn away customers,

but maybe you come back
with a little more jingle

in your pocket,
and Rabbit and I,

we can prescribe
you a special brand

of magic.

- Well I never I tell ya,

hard working woman
does an honest nickel

a trick, tell you what.

And it don't get you no further?

- You fuckers!

- Yeah.

Tell you what,

tell you what, I'll
help you with something

with the rougher one.

(bell rings)

- Tell you what,

y'all can go straight to tell.

(thunder booming)

(screaming)

(tense music)

(explosion booms)

- Hoo hoo hoo, mm, you
bitches gonna like this.

- No we won't.

- Probably won't

Mm.

(laughing)

(creepy music)

(bell rings)

- Pardon me but which one of you

is the proprietor of
this establishment?

- That would be I.

- He means me.

- Since there is no clear

decision on who
the big bacon is,

I am gonna be
directing my squeal.

(laughing)

My spiel to Old McDonald here.

- Thank you.

- You find yourself in the

presence of...

- Hambo.

- My reputation precedes me.

I'm as flattered

as a pig with lipstick.

And this here,

grade A piece of prime is--

- Piggy Suey, I watch the show,

pleased to meet you both.

- The pleasure's all swine.

- We've met.

Remember, the bowling alley?

- Are you with him now?

- It's just a gig sugar dick.

- Pardon me if I have
manure for brains,

but I've scammed so
many people since then.

(chuckling)

- Remember, lots of boobies?

Free beer.

We made you a ton of cash.

- I do recall a teet

or two.

And I never forget a free brew.

- We aren't buying today,

we can't.

- Nope.

- No sir, I'm not
selling anything

but opportunity here.

- Then what's with
all the merch?

(heavenly operatic music)

- Badass Dolls,
collect them all,

or look like a piece of shit.

- Right you are Piggy Suey,

this is an opportunity,
and today only,

to get in on the ground floor

of something bigger

than blue ribbon
winning Hog Balls.

- Hold on hacksaw,

isn't this the same ground floor

that you've been trying to
pimp us out on for years?

- We have recently
procured a website domain

for these high end collectibles.

- Dude they're so old
they look like antiques.

- Whatever sells bub.

Why don't you tell them

where they can get these

badass Badass Dolls Piggy?

- Like Old McCockled said,

we're not buying today.

Isn't that right Rabbit?

(Rabbit inhales)

- Is that fella
gonna be all right?

- Give him a minute.

- Nothing Head has spoken.

- Go on.

- You shoot a commercial for us

and we can allocate some space

for you to share your wares.

- These aren't wares,

these are the futuristicals

of the futuristic.

(heavenly choir)

- I must say,

a couple of 'em are badass.

- Dolls.

- Duh.

- God.

- We have a barn
load of followers on

Twitter, Facebook,

and of course Oinker.

- Take it or leave it.

- When do we start?

- Right now.

- I got my camera
crew right outside.

(squealing)

- Good up here,

whoa.

(laughing)

I frame you.

I can view your soul

with a viewfinder.

- What in the name
of Don Cheedle

is going on right now?

- What you're looking at is your

original inspiration
for the Badass Dolls.

(laughing)

- It's exactly what
I was looking for.

(sparkling)

- He's also one of the most

sought after action
directors in the world.

- What?

- Action!

More!

Yes.

- Uh, this is a joke right?

- Cut.

Fuck you!

- Speed.

- Got any ideas for this?

(intense hip hop music)

(thunder booming)

- Any minute now

our knights in shining

cargo shorts are gonna come and

save the day.

- They can take their time.

Woo, starting to enjoy this.

- So you're taking the whole
pyramid route with this?

- Oh, I suppose so.

- Okay then so am I.

Use your teeth.

- Kinky.

- On the ropes you dope,

what is wrong with you?

Hurry up.

Oh my god oh my god.

Got it, turn around.

- Yeah okay.

Do you think they
raised the money yet?

- I sure hope so,

they better not be
screwing around up there.

- I have faith in them.

- That makes one of us.

- Whoa her boobs.

- If you're looking for weed,

grass, kush, pooch,

stems, chemicals,

stink or skunk

go to one of our
lousy competitors,

but if you're looking for the

finest of the fine,

visit EbEe's Magical
Weed Dispensary.

'Cause we have the
finest in town.

- It's totally great shit.

- Don't be drab and dreary,

visit EbEe's Magical
Weed Dispensary

and get cheery.

- It's the happiest shit.

- Credit cards and tray
strictly unacceptable,

we give you

big kush, you give us

big cash.

And if you're on the fence.

- Then you're a total loser.

- We have this.

(calm music)

(laughing)

Free shows daily.

- Think it'll work?

- Come they must,

or we're in deep shit.

- Yeah.

- They're in every hot market,

they'll be coming
in so hot and heavy,

you'll have to herd them.

- You know I got this connection

down at Killjoy Psycho Circus,

I'm gonna make a phone call
and get this on the air.

- His pigs left the

pen again.

- Hey Hambo.

Have you ever thought about

doing one of them yourself?

- I milk my tail

once a day thank you very much.

(laughing)

- I meant, have you
ever thought about

making a Badass
Doll of yourself.

- Mm, that's a great idea.

Not too sloppy,

not too sloppy at all.

Here you go.

(goofy music)

- [Voiceover] Hambo is so fine,

and Hambo is a swine.

- I'd buy one.

- Well that just earned you

a few porks.

(laughing)

- Perks?

- I know what I said.

(upbeat electronic music)

(bell ringing)

- Oh dang.

- Touch nothing,

Butt Pirate.

David will tell you
when to touch things,

all right?

- Get a load of these sows.

- Someone got a promotion.

(man groaning)

- This guy is gonna
make me so much bread.

(laughing)

- Selfie.

(camera snaps)

(heavenly choir)

(laughing)

- Oh yeah.

Oh.

I'm outta here,

good luck guys.

(laughing)

- Help you guys?

- Yeah, what is this place?

- EeBe's Magical
Weed Dispensary.

- Check the address
again please.

- [Man] Check the address again,

quick quick quick quick.

- [Man] Here you go.

- This is the place.

- Clearly it is not.

- Looking for a movie location?

- [Man] Easy Butt Pirate.

- Well we shot a
movie this morning,

it's called Eleanor
Roosevelt Versus

The Loch Ness Monster.

We edited it in the afternoon,

and distributed it in
the late afternoon,

it's now available at
grocery stores nationwide

in the Hot Pockets aisle.

- That was fast.

- Well not that fast,

I only scheduled 17 minutes

for a wrap party, we're
obviously in the wrong spot.

- So where's the cast and crew?

- Hello.

- Oh.

- Calm down Butt Pirate,

for the love of DaVid.

- I usually don't work in such a

large scale production,
but when it comes to

Eleanor Roosevelt, the
story must be told.

- Respect.

- Fellas, you came
to the right place

at the right time.

And, we have party favors.

- Oh my.

- Well hurry up because
we have a movie to make

this afternoon.

- Did I mention that we have a

great location in the back room

with all of the amenities.

- You had me at back room.

(upbeat electronic music)

He's right it has
all the amenities.

- Shoot your movie here guys.

All I require is
a small deposit.

- When are we due at
the next location?

- [Man] When are we due
at the next location?

- Two hours Little Dave.

- Two hours, Big Dave.

- Perfect.

Sir you have yourself a deal.

David, start writing
the script now,

and Butt Pirate, you
better have those

blue Speedos under
those booty shorts.

- Didn't know I was
supposed to get dolled up.

- Well get into character honey,

because we're gonna be
shooting this fucker,

chop chop everyone.

- Up up up up up, the deposit.

(upbeat electronic music)

- [Voiceover] That's
a lot of bread.

- You're gonna be a big star.

(gentle music)

(Ginger grunting)

(woman moaning)

- What's wrong Candy?

Too sweet?

- Nothing Gingie,

it's not you it's me.

Oh!

Stab it Uga.

(Uga grunting)

Yeah Uga, stab it,

stab it good.

(Ginger screaming)

- Bad dream dude?

- Oh man, the worst.

- Dude, I can't believe
how well this is going.

Little EeBes are flying
off the shelf man.

Hate to admit it
but I'm super proud

of our business plan dude.

Got me feeling like a Kardashian

at a BET party.

What about you Rabbit?

Oh dude the swami is out again.

(Rabbit coughing)

- That was amazing.

- Dude I'm not sure what a
million bucks looks like,

but I still don't think
this is quite enough.

- Oh, ye of little
faith and pecker.

We'll make it.

Don't worry, has Rabbit
ever let you down?

- Almost every single time.

- That hurts.

- I said almost,

there were a few times where you

pulled through
for us in the end.

- My dad always said
I was good at pulling.

- Look, we gotta
reach our goal man.

- Nothing Head dictates

the observance of the goal

is before your eyes.

You must

envision it.

Are you envisioning?

- Thanks for showing
me your way dude.

- Don't mention it,

now you must reach for the goal.

(calm music)

- [Larnell] Then what?

- Then manipulate
your surroundings

so there's nothing but goal.

(calm music)

Feel the goal, right there.

(snorting)

Are you feeling it?

(laughing)

Oh yeah.

Rabbit's gonna grab it.

- Come on, cut the shit dude,

we gotta get some money here.

Sarah and V are
counting on us bro.

- Stop being such a worry turd.

This shit is primo,

people are coming
from high and low

to buy this stuff.

You have to admit it's
the best weed ever.

- It is dude,

but it's when she sucks
you into her Bong World

and finger bangs your soul.

That is a high price
to pay my friend.

- High price is the key.

I am not a big fan of

sending people to
their imminent doom,

but we'll cross that police
staple when we get to it.

We must free our friends,

and ourselves,

then we can free the world.

- Dude, that was super nice,

do you really feel that way.

- I have to, otherwise

my shorts would be
a fudge factory.

(calm reggae music)

- [Voiceover] Hey, you
ever played Twister?

- No but

I've played Hurricane.

- How does that one go?

- You just blow really hard.

- Yeah oh let's play.

(laughing)

(bell rings)

- Can I help you guys?

- Maybe you need help.

- Yeah, we help ourselves.

- Right, not in this store.

- [Tall Man] Says who?

- Says him.

- Oh jeez, this is
upsetting my filly.

- What up Puff Pastry Daddy?

- Top of the morning
to you pal-o.

- Hey, check it out,

he's like a leprechaun
or some shit.

- Where's your

funny colored eggs, leprechaun?

(laughing)

- High five dude.

- All right, are you guys
gonna buy anything or?

- We could if we wanted to.

- Yeah, like your mom.

- Yeah make it rain.

(Ginger grunting)

Fuck yeah.

- Yeah okay, that's
barely a drizzle.

- No that's definitely

at least a drizzle.

- Shit, that's more than like

a sprinkle chicky.

- Yeah girl.

That's the shit that

cleans the yugo,

not the shit that

makes it dirtier.

- What the fuck,

why don't you guys
just go an inch

or go on out?

- Better do what the lady says.

- Or what?

- [Ginger] Well we have the
right to refuse service.

- You have the
right to hop around

and hide baskets leprechaun.

- Okay, that's not even
what leprechauns do.

- Look,

we don't care about

fantasy and shit.

We just wanna get
baked for reals.

- For really reals.

- My boy and I

made a ton of scratch
at the X Games.

- Endorsements out the ass.

- You guys have sponsors?

- We posed as people that do

actual shit and

stole their endorsement money.

- Totally legit.

- And somehow we were just

drawn here like

moths to the flame.

- Yeah,

it's weird like

we went to buy skunk
off some hippie and then

something in our
guts just said--

- No dude, don't buy that skunk.

- Totally,

then we smelled
the magic weed and

our legs just started
doing shit like

one foot in front
of the other one.

- Yeah, like

walking and shit.

And, here we are.

- Right here man.

- I'll never forget
the sweet smell

of the weed we got
in the bowling alley.

(both sniffing)

Yeah.

This is it.

- Accept no substitutes.

- Still haven't
come down from it.

- Shit,

I still think I'm John Tesh man.

Sings real fruity,

makes me have weird feels.

- That's pretty gay.

- Okay, how much do you want?

- I wanna get so high that

I can't feel my toes.

- And I just want to

feel my tongue

licking the sun

forever.

You know what I mean?

- Yeah okay,

that's nice and all but

money talks and bullshit walks.

- Pay the lady.

- Five Gs chicky.

(laughing)

- [Phoebe] All right.

Your funeral.

- Sweet.

- Five Gs buys you
five bongs full

of your magic weed.

- Five Gs, five bongs,

five trips to outer
fuckin' space.

(Ginger grunting)

(intense music)

- Bark like a dog.

(laughing)

I said bark like a dog!

Bark like a dog!

(barking)

You know I hate Pomeranians.

- Show us where
the rabbit hole is.

(laughing)

Do you think the
guys have the money?

- I don't know if I
even care anymore.

- Oh.

- Shh, play along,

EeBe's here.

- Whoa, what the fuck
is going on here?

- This is an awakening.

- You bitches is nasty,

I can use you later.

Damn.

- Oh the sights
we could show you.

- Mm, I know you could,

but you skanks need
to save it for later.

I'ma go get my money.

- Show us the rabbit hole!

- Show us the rabbit
hole cookie brains!

(laughing)

(dissonant electronic music)

- I just got back from Syria.

Flew in to see my buds!

- And you need to
take the edge off.

Say no more.

- Oh I'm gonna get messed

way up!

Woo!

- I bet you saw some
fucked up shit over there.

- Just give me the weed.

This shit's unwieldy!

- Sorry friend,

too long to explain.

- This is fucked,
give me it back!

- Apologies all around.

- Fuck!

You fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Better.

(intense hip hop music)

(Ginger sobbing)

- What's the problem
little doughnut?

- It's Candy.

- You want candy?

Well there's a store right
across the street dude,

get you a Zegnen.

- Not that kinda candy,

Candy, the girl I cream
pied at the bowling alley.

- What about her?

- Well, I never told
anybody this but

she was my first.

I know it's silly,

but I thought we had
something special

going on.

But she won't pick up the phone.

(Ginger sobbing)

- Don't be glum chum,

another chick will come along.

- I want my Candy.

My Candy!

- Maybe she just wasn't
the right one dude.

- Why would you say
such a horrible thing?

- Real talk bro,

if a girl let's
you glaze her face

on the first date,

probably not the kind of chick

you wanna bring home to mom.

- Maybe you're right.

There's lots of other
tarts in the toaster.

- Now we're talking dude.

- Thanks for listening Larnell.

I guess I'm just
jelly on the inside.

- Any time bro, now get
on my level for this,

today is a big day.

We gotta get out there
and make some money.

- I'll be out there in a minute.

I don't want Rabbit to see me

at my most vulnerable I am.

- Roger that Ho Ho.

(calm music)

Dude we're short like 40K.

- You think she'll notice?

- Well you can count on that.

What are we gonna do man?

- Nothing Head will find a way.

- Hit it chrome dome.

(gentle music)

(Rabbit grunting)

- It's not working.

I'm too nervous.

- Well clean out your
noggin Uncle Fester,

flush it out.

(Rabbit breathing heavily)

(Rabbit grunting)

- I'm sorry Larnell,

it's not working.

- Well I guess it's
time for plan B.

- Plan B,

that's always a good one.

What is it?

- Tom Cruise sprint
the hell outta here.

- No wait, wait,

is there a plan C?

'Cause my knees are like dicks.

(Ginger grunting)

- Ah!

Oh shit, the bitch is back.

- What's up mother fucker?

- Just wishing I
had me some candy.

- You pathetic Pillsbury pasty,

you better be wishing
you had my money,

or you're definitely
gonna pay out your

doughy ass.

- Oh, it isn't right to
kick a man in the cookies.

- I see a bunch of
statues still here,

so that means you
pricks are short.

Where's my money?

- Well, the fellas have it.

- Then just don't sit there,

take me to your weeder.

(thunder rolling)

- Show us the rabbit hole.

Show us the rabbit hole

or you're gonna get it.

- All they do is
giggle, don't you?

Sarah.

- [Sarah] What?

- Look.

- Oh my god.

What is that?

- A rabbit hole.

- A portal?

- It's been here the whole time

we can get out of Bong Land!

(screaming)

- Oh, I don't wanna
leave their sweet faces

in Bong World--

- We have to go.

- Oh, we'll probably
come right back through.

- Very true but we
have to try, bye!

- Okay after you.

(portal shimmering)

(thunder rolling)

- Dude I gotta lube my veins

with marijuana ASAP.

We are more boned
than the Elephant Man.

(lighter clicks)

(bell ringing)

Come to daddy.

- [Voiceover] Howdy fellas.

- Hey Hambo,

to be honest dude,

we don't have time
today for your

barnyard hootenanny.

- Shittin' bricks are ya?

- Cinder blocks.

- Hi Candy.

- Howdy Gingie.

- She's real popular
with the ranch hands.

- What?

Oh jeez.

Ah.

- [Hambo] Oh yeah baby.

- It's okay buddy,

like we talked about.

There's way more
doughnuts in the box.

- Oh I suppose you're right.

Easy come easy dough.

(Hambo grunting)

- [Hambo] Oh yeah baby.

- Oh yeah, I forgot
to tell ya somethin'.

- What's that?

- EeBe's here.

- Surprise mother fuckers!

(tense music)

- Whoa.

I like what they
did with the place.

- Quiet.

- Okay.

- We need to think this through.

- Okay.

- Oh I know you losers

don't have all my money.

Your asses are mine now, again.

- Come on E, we're only
short by a little bit.

- [EeBe] Mm hmm.

- We can explain.

- Shut yo dick hole.

- You know how hard it is

to come up with a million bucks?

- A deal is a deal,

and you chumps
didn't deal enough!

- I'm sure we can
work something out.

- Mm, no money, no way.

- Maybe it's not enough
for total world domination,

but you don't want the
Middle East anyways,

that place blows.

- All or nothin' white bread.

- White bread, that's a hot one.

- And you're the
first one to be toast.

(Ginger groaning)

- Who is laughing
now mother fucker?

- Give the guy a break,

he just lost his girl.

- Who wants that soggy
old bread stick anyway?

(Ginger groaning)

- What's wrong buddy?

- I don't know,

I think my yeast is rising.

- Come on Lindsey Brohan,

now is the time
for Nothing Head.

(Rabbit breathing heavily)

- I, there's no,

sorry man, it's not working.

- You gotta get all
zen and shit bro.

- You broke ass bastards,

those bitches of
yours gonna make

fine additions to my munitions.

- What do you mean?

- You just wait 'til we get back

to the Bong World, you
won't even recognize them.

I knew there was
a carpet muncher

deep inside of 'em.

- That's awesome!

(laughing)

- I'm not feeling too good.

- Time's up mother fuckers,

back to my Bong World with you.

- Hang on E, we still
have another minute.

- You think somebody's gonna

save your white ass?

Who got that kinda money?

- You closing I tell ya?

- Huh?

(Ginger grunting)

- Not yet.

(laughing)

(lively banjo plucking)

- I'll be dipped in hog asses,

it's that guy.

Can I get a picture of you?

(Hambo laughing)

You got a name?

- Joe Cracker.

- [Hambo] Of course it is.

(lively banjo plucking)

- And look at that
crack whore he's with.

(laughing)

Excuse me,

Ms. Crack Whore.

- What?

- Nothing, nothing to
worry your sores about.

(laughing)

I'm gonna take your
picture okay baby?

Huh?

Come on, pose for me baby,

oh yeah.

(heavenly choir)

- [Voiceover] Crack whore!

- I tell you what we done did it

I tell you.

- Done what?

- Huh?

- It was a marathon I tell ya.

But she done did it.

So we can done do it.

- [Voiceover] She done did it

real done good.

- That's a lot of
fuckin' nickels bro.

How much is this exactly?

- I tell you what,

39,999 and 95 cents I tell you.

- Holy clown vag,

hope this is enough.

- I tell you what, I
am so proud of her.

One nickel at a time I tell ya.

I tell ya,

I tell ya.

- I tell ya.

I tell ya!

(sobbing)

- So sweet.

(laughing)

- Oh baby.

Oh.

(Ginger grunting)

- Damn it, bad news dude,

we're short by a nickel.

- Uh huh.

- There we go.

(change clinking)

- In the name of Erin Eckhart,

we did it bro.

- High five.

- I tell you what,

I tell you.

Give us a hug.

- Never dude.

- No fuckin' way.

- A deal's a deal EeBe,

now bring us the girls.

- Mm, those bitches
are locked away

where you'll never
see them again.

- Hey guys.

- Hey.

- What's going on?

- Hey V, you guys broke
out of the Bong World.

- What?

No fuckin' way.

- No time to explain dudes,

just help Rabbit get
into Nothing Head.

- Roger that.

- I'm back.

- What?

- I'm gonna kill everybody here,

starting with the oinker.

(Hambo squealing)

- Come on Rabbit,

you can do it you have to.

- I'm sorry,

my brain is

all froggy.

- You mean foggy?

- Nope, I mean froggies
jumping around like

- Clear your mind

of all thoughts.

Release yourself

to the Rabbit-verse.

Is this

working?

- No it's

fucking not.

(punch thwacks)

(birds chirping)

- No more Mr. Nice Pie.

- Every fuckin'
time you find a way.

But I got you this time.

- How do you figure?

- That dumb fucking
Rabbit is asleep.

(snapping)

- Mila Brovovich?

Are you there?

- [Rabbit] Rabbit is everywhere.

- Is this stupid you talking?

Or did you grab
zen by the balls?

- [Rabbit] Nothing
Head has reached

a new level.

One up man.

- Oh shit I'm outta here.

- [Rabbit] No, you are now,

you are in here.

- Crazy ass there
ain't nothing in there.

- [Rabbit] That's the point.

- Mother fucker!

(intense wind)

- Dude, a chick, bro?

- I'm gonna make mince
meat outta you piggy.

(Ginger shouting)

(calm music)

(Rabbit snorting)

- What'd I miss guys?

(calm music)

(Ginger grunting)

- Oh, ah oh.

Hey, what is this place?

- No fuckin' clue.

Ah shit, Rabbit.

Where's that moron's
mother fucking head?

- This blows.

Ah!

(gentle music)

- Whoa.

- [Voiceover] Look at you,

you look like something
a raccoon shat out

after Halloween.

It's like a pulsating boil

on a viper's vagina.

Not so much an actor

as a line reader

parroting for peanuts

with delusions of grandeur.

(parrot cawing)

Turning away opportunities while

waiting for the big time.

You are the drippings
from under the

titty bar table.

(intense music)

- [Ginger] Got a plan yet?

- I'm working on it.

- Work harder.

- You could help mother fucker.

- You're the brains,

I'm the brawn.

- Trust me, somehow that
jack off is gonna pay.

(both laughing)

- What the hell?

- Hell is right mother fucker.

We didn't lie!

(intense music)

(flapping)

(splatting)