Evil Bong 3: The Wrath of Bong (2011) - full transcript

An evil alien bong crashes on earth. Its intent: world domination. Our stoner heroes are sent to the alien bong planet and held captive by nude alien beauties. Their only hope to escape and save planet earth: Eebee, the original Evil Bong.

(surf roaring)

(bats shrieking)

(trippy music)

(wordless vocalizing)

(explosion booming)

(bright music)

- Well, honey, I hope
you're comfortable.

I realize it might
be a little cold.

But don't you worry.

I'm sure it's plenty
warm where you're going.

All I gotta say is,
good luck to Satan.

That poor son of a bitch has
to deal with your nagging ass.

You won't be needing
these anymore.

Consider us divorced.

(eerie music)

What the hell?

(explosion booming)

The hell is that?


Oh, (sniffing) whew.


That's some kind of smoke.


ooh, ooh, ah.

Ooh, wow.

Oh, wow.




(sighing and chuckling)

Whoa, wow, look at that.

That's no meteor.





Wow, ooh.

Well, well.


This is the luckiest
day of my life.



Look at you, you are
incredible, whoa.

You, wow, wow, you are great.

(upbeat music)

♪ Oh no, no, no, no

♪ No, no, no, no, no, oh

♪ In the morning, in the night

♪ When I don't feel so right

♪ Up through the misty haze

♪ The green all
grinding up my days ♪

♪ Have a smoke to
clear my mind ♪

♪ Just a puff to help unwind

♪ Everywhere I go, I take it

♪ Oh it's like I
can't escape it ♪

♪ Only thing I need,
only thing I need ♪

♪ Weed weed, wicked weed

♪ Heavy from the devil's seed

♪ Fiendin' for it every day

♪ You know I want
that Mary Jane ♪

♪ Weed, weed, wicked weed

♪ You've got a hold of me

♪ Fiendin' for it every day

♪ You know I want
that Mary Jane ♪

♪ Light the fire,
spark the tree ♪

♪ Make it a part of me

♪ Think of all the
life it breeds ♪

♪ Just growing from
those little seeds, oh ♪

♪ I need my smoke today

♪ Work too hard, get home late

♪ I just need a break for one
more toke that I can take ♪

♪ Only thing I need,
only thing I need ♪

♪ What's that now, weed,
weed, wicked weed ♪

♪ Heavy from the devil's seed

♪ Fiendin' for it every day

♪ You know I want
that Mary Jane ♪

♪ Weed, weed, wicked weed

♪ You've got a hold on me

♪ Fiendin' for it every day

♪ You know I want
that Mary Jane ♪

(jazz music)

♪ Oh, feeling weed,
you can't leave ♪

♪ Heavy from the devil's seed

♪ Fiending for it every day

♪ You know I want
that Mary Jane ♪

♪ Weed, weed, wicked
weed, yeah, wicked weed ♪

♪ You've got a hold of me

♪ You got it, you got it

♪ Fiendin' for it every day

- Curious.


Astounding, simply astounding.

(Geiger counter clicking)


Oh my.

Oh my gosh!

Alistair, you fool.

The initial observations
are often the most critical.

I can't trust them to memory.

This is Alistair McDowell
of the Space Institute,

April 20th at 10:00 hours.

After tracking on radar
what appeared to be a meteor

losing its gravitational orbit

I have entered the woods
just north of the city

following its
projected trajectory.

The impact site is littered

with what appears to be a grass.

I will now take a sample.

Evidence of a substance
has been taken

off the outer skin
of the meteorite.

Upon further
observation it seems

that rather than a
high-density rock

the meteorite seems
to be composed of a
metal of some kind.

Formed into a crude sphere.


Was this done naturally?

Or possibly by some
living, sentient beings?

More data is needed, but
the possibility is exciting.


By the markings on
top of this plate

it looks as if something
had once sat atop it.

Maybe, I don't know

jostled loose in
space or knocked over.

- Hiyah!

Put 'em up dude.

- I am unarmed, I assure you.

- Sex, lies, and video tape.

I never knew a fed
without a strap.

You must have an ankle piece.

- I told you, I'm unarmed

nor am I a fed as you call it.

Do you mean federal
officer, as in FBI?


- They're all a part of

the same alphabet soup, brother.

- But.
- Turn around slow,

no sudden moves.

(intense music)

- Larnell!

- Al?

You look different.

You been hitting the creatine?

Throwing some weights around?

- (chuckling) You noticed.

But what the heck
are you doing here?

- Sorry about that, I thought

you might be federal popo.

- Well, clearly not.

I mean I'm working for
the Space Institute.

- No kidding?

Dude that's great.

Good you got here
before the feds.

- Why is that?

- Maybe you and I can work
together on this thing.

Sweet mother of
pearl, I was right.

I was tracking this
thing from outer space

and I figured it came down

somewhere right around here.

- Wait, you were
tracking it, but how?

- Let's just say I have
access to certain equipment.

The less you know,
the better, Al.

Plausible deniability and all.

- Um, why were you worried

that I might be a
federal officer?

- Come on dude, the feds
have been covering up

UFO sightings since that flying
saucer crash back in 1947.

They still got the alien
dudes locked up in Area 51.

They've been feeding
the poor little dudes

Old Milwaukee and tater tots.

- Taters.
- Hiding 'em from us

because they don't think
we can handle the truth.

They've been using their
brains for technology too.

I'm talking about microwave
ovens, cell phones, Hot Pockets.

- Hot Pockets?
- And Jimmy Cameron.

- Wait, Jim Cameron,
the movie director?

- Yeah, he's their offspring.

The aliens's I mean.

Come on Al, Avatar
is like a five- hour

love letter to his home planet.

But the fed dunes think us

dumb yokels can handle it
because it's just a story.

Well not me, baby.

- I don't know about all that

but what about
all the meteorite?

- Don't snow me, Al.

I heard you talking to
your little tape recorder

when I snuck up on you.

You know this thing
ain't no space rock.

It's a spaceship.

You and I can expose
the secret to the world.

Those fed goons
will have no choice

but to let those poor little
aliens out of lock-up.

- I don't know
anything about that

but I've never seen a study of
a meteorite like this before.

- (sniffing) You smell that?


(trippy music)

Come on dude, don't tell
me you don't recognize it,

not after everything
we've been through.

- Oh my goodness, you're right.

It smells like some
kind of marijuana.

Look at all this stuff.

- Don't, don't touch it, we
have no idea of its toxicity.

- Let me toke some of this shit

and I'll take my
own fucking reading.

- I think the scientific
method will be safer.

- Safe?


We're all livin' on
borrowed time anyways, Al.

The Armageddon clock is
runnin' down, you know.

- Armageddon?

How exactly have you
been occupying your time

since I saw you last?

It's been, what, a couple years?

- Well, homeland
security is after me.

No biggie, just a little mix-up

at the Afghan border.
- Jeez, Afghanistan?

- It was totally innocent, bro.

I was over there with
my old buddy Faruk

scorin' some
high-grade poppy when--

- Okay, okay, maybe you
actually shouldn't tell me.

I mean after all, plausible--
- Deniability, gotcha.

Anyways, I've been living
further off the grid.

Had to change up my look
too, just to be safe.

Went over to the
Supercuts on Sepulveda

and had that crater-face
Shauna fix me up

with a color and a cut.

She done me pretty good, too.

Got me lookin' like
Zac Efron and shit.

Plus, I've been trainin'
with a ninja master.

Gotta protect myself.

- A ninja master?

- Well, master
might be pushin' it.

The dude works in
stolen car stereos.

But trust me, Wang
Dong knows his shit.

That's why he's got me
dressin' all in black.

So I can move with the shadows

and strike from the
heart of darkness.


The drunken monkey is a terrible
thing when unleashed, Al.

I hope you never, ever
have to witness it.

(upbeat music)

♪ And here we go

♪ Sittin' all alone
with not much to do ♪

♪ Thinkin' to myself I need
to change my point of view ♪

♪ If only there was somethin'
that could occupy my hands ♪

♪ I need somethin' to do
because I don't have any plans ♪

♪ A new point of reference
to change what I receive ♪

♪ Somethin' that was anythin'
but me I do believe ♪

♪ Changin' my mind is
what I want to achieve ♪

♪ And if you ask me what I'm
sayin', I'm a private seed ♪

♪ You see I need to get
high, I need to get drunk ♪

♪ A little somethin' good to
help me out of this funk ♪

(eerie music)

(broken bell clicking)

- Uh, hello?

Anybody here?

- Dude.

Dude, you've got to
cut out the noise.

- Noise?

I just said hello.

- Correction, you followed
that with is anybody here.

And that was after you pounded

on my bell here for
like five minutes.

- Well, it wasn't five
minutes and if you heard it,

you should've come out sooner.

- Heard what?

- The bell.

- Oh dude, bell's broken.

- Anyway,

I've got something here

that I think you'll
find very interesting.

(eerie music)

- Whoa.

Looks like some
kind of space bong.

- That's exactly right.

- [Clerk] No shit.

- Hey hey hey hey, not
until we discuss price.

- Well is it really from space?

- Yeah.

- Prove it.

- Hey. (laughing)

Come on man.

Just look at it.

You ever seen anything like
that before? (laughing)

- Dude you got some serious
fuzz tongue goin' on.

Like right in that, there.


- Yeah, yeah, I gotta go
see the doctor about that.

- Yeah, you need some medicinal.

- Anyway, do you think
your shop could use this?

Are we gonna do some business?

- Yes, I think we are definitely
gonna do some business.


Let me figure out how to
open up the cash register.

- What are you doing?

- I was just helpin'
the customer.

- Hey, back off slick, we
were just doin' business.

- Yeah.
- Back off?

I'm the co-owner of this place.

Don't be tellin' me
to back off, jack-off.

- Hey man.
- Hey!

I don't want you rippin'
us off with some bullshit.

Yeah, I heard you from the back.

Space bong, my ass.

This looks like
some bad movie prop.

- Yeah, like from 2001
Weed Odyssey. (laughing)

- Hey look, I'll make
a good deal with you.

Maybe you could do
something with this, too.

Only been used once.

(eerie music)

- Hey, pud-knocker, this is
a head shop, not a pawn shop.

- Um, dude, that would look
pretty rad in the shop though.

- Yeah, well, maybe so

but we ain't payin'
out the wazoo for it.

- No, we're not payin'
out the wazoo for it.

- 50 bucks.
- 50?

I'll pay you 20 for it.

- It's worth more than that.

- Hey, I gotta
make a profit too.

- 50 bucks, and I'll throw
in the jewels and the knife.

- I don't want your shit, man.

Cash money.

What's with the gloves?

- Ah.

I got burned.

- Really?

Let's see.

- No, no I can't do that.

- You want the 20
bucks don't you?

- Oh, monkey.

- Dude, you are totally molding.

- [Clerk] That's not good.

- Take your shit
and get out of here.

And don't touch anything, fuck!

- Fuck both of you.

(muffled rap music)

- Hey!

Where you goin'?

- Dude, you cannot expect
me to put new merchandise

on the shelf without
testing it out first.

That would be (chuckling)

- Why I ever went into
business with you is beyond me.

- Oh, because when
your career in sports

went down the shitter you had
to do something, remember?

(smack resounding)

- Thanks for reminding me.

Nobody takes that thing
before we find out

what it's all about.

Hey, you know who might
know something about it?

- Who?

- [Co-Owner] Al.

- Who?


you know the geek?

The one who helped us kill the
evil bong and the king bong?

- Oh, but technically

we didn't kill the
evil bong, remember?

It was still down there in
the jungle when we left.

You remember the pootang tribe?

(laughing) Talk about
the National Geographic.

- National Pornographic,
you mean, fuck.

Put it back on the counter.

- You're not the boss of me.

Look, violence never
solved anything, man.

(slow jam music)
(cell phone beeping)

- Hey Al, yeah, it's Brett.

Hey, how are you buddy?

- Tell me what to do,
I'll tell you what to do.

Assholes around here.

All right, product testing.

Here we go.

(water bubbling)
(electricity crackling)

- You are a worm.

A parasite.

Being this close
to you disgusts me.

- Now that's uncalled for.

- I tolerate it
only because I must.

You are the first
step in my quest

for total domination
of your world.

- You got a nasty
'tude for a bong.

You gotta chill out or no
one's gonna wanna buy you.

Now shut up while I smoke you.

(eerie music)

Oh now, monkey!

(quickly whooshing music)

[Bong Voice] Welcome
to my world, worm.

(eerie music)

- Oh snap.

Hi there.


You could use some lotion.

That's okay, that's okay.

You chicks are a
little aggressive.

That's all right.

I'm into it.

So, is this like, a
three-way situation?

I'm into it.

It's okay.

Oh, that's, that's
kinda painful.



(psychedelic music)

♪ I think God smokes weed

♪ And he was high
when he made me ♪

♪ I can feel it in my DNA

♪ I think God smokes weed

♪ And he was high
when he made me ♪

♪ And I think he gave up

- Larnell!

Would you relax man,
you're wiggin' me out.

- I gotta keep the
blood flowing, bro,

or else I get stagnant

and the palpitations and
panic attacks kick in.

- [Brett] You're a few
skittles short of a full bag.

You've gotta stop chasing
black helicopters.

- Yeah.

- What do you make
of the bong, Al?

- Well, it's most certainly
of unknown origin.

And the material used to form it

is like nothing I've ever seen.

I'll know more when I
take it back to the lab

and run some tests.

We were on our way
there when you called.

- Well as much as
I love you, Al,

you're not takin' that
thing out of my shop

until I get my investment back.

I paid like twent-, a
hundred bucks for that thing.

- [Al] The base of this
would fit perfectly

in that receptacle we
found in the meteorite.

- Meteorite?

- Spaceship, dude.

(muffled reggae music)

- So you're actually telling us

this thing might be from space?

- Well, the possibility
exists, yes.

(eerie vocalizing)
- What was that?

- Relax there, master of
dung poo, it's just Bachman.

- Oh, I thought I
recognized his voice.

Where is brother Bach?

Wouldn't mind givin'
him some hello nugs.

- I think he's in the back

bone smuggling one of
those fat chicks again.

I have no idea where
he finds these broads.

- I caught him beatin' off

to an old-school Star
Jones interview once.


- Bachman!

Get out here.

- Listen Al, I
don't have 60 bucks.

Livin' off the grid has
its disadvantages, man.

- Well, I don't have
any money on me either.

- Bummer, I was hopin' to
score some Taco Bell later.

Chalupas make me wet.

(playful music)


- You putzes.

- Hey, Luann.

As usual, you are a sunbeam

floating on a
cloud of happiness.

- Did anybody ever tell
you that black is O-U-T?

- Shadows don't
care about style.

- (scoffing) Could
you be a bigger loser?

Is that even possible?

- Well I mean,
it's, it's obviously

Um, it's nice to see you, Luann.

It's been some time.
- Not long enough.

Is this Brett's store?

- What, you don't know?

- Well, let's just say him
and me kind of lost touch.

(broken bell clicking)

Is he around?

- Well, yeah, he
just kind of went...

- He peaced out for a little bit

and we're not really
sure when he'll be back.

- Yeah.

Yeah, and he left us
in charge temporarily.

- Would you like to
purchase a water pipe?

It's only slightly used and
in near perfect condition.

In fact, we'll give
you 30 percent off.

- What the hell do I
need once of those for?

- Look, Lu, it
matches your eyes.

- Get that away
from me, you idiot.


When Brett comes back,

tell him to call me.

If you think you
can remember that.

(upbeat music)

(door slamming)

- I don't think
she likes us, dude.

- Shit that was close.

Hey, thanks for
getting rid of her.

- Oh hey, she wants
you to have that.

- Yeah, like that's
gonna happen.

- I take it your relationship
is no longer kosher.

- Not unless kosher's
a restraining order.

- She has a restraining
order on you?

- Dude, I have a
restraining order on her.

In case you haven't noticed
she's a bit of a handful.

When we were down in
South America, I lost
like four pounds.

I didn't realize she's
not very supportive.

- Really?

- Oh, geez, listen to me.

Not very supportive?

That sounds like
some Oprah shit, oh!

The thing is, I just
keep falling back for it.

She's a hot piece of ass

but then those true
psycho colors come out.

Anyway, thanks for
having my back, boys.

- [Larnell] Where is Bach?

- He wasn't back there?
- Dude, we heard him.

- Well he must've snuck
out the back then.

So what are you gonna do
with that thing anyway?

- It's an alien bong bro.
- Okay, X-files, alien bong.

What the hell do we do?

(door latch clicks)

- What you do is pray, brothers.

- Mr. Rabbit, how are you?

- Just Rabbit,
brother, just Rabbit.

- I can't believe you're still
pullin' that priest scam.

- Oh, it's no scam.

I assure you.

You know, I'll never
forget my experience

with the poontang
tribe, nor will I forget

the promise I made
to a higher power

in exchange for saving my life.

- Dude, we saved your life.


- Oh really, did you?

Or were your hands guided by...

You see, after I was
rolled into a doobie

and shrunken to
microscopic size,

I began to see the
world as it truly is.

A microcosm.

We're all just little flakes
on the same blue ball.

We're all together, and
we should behave as such.

- Rabbit, have you
already been toking today?

- I assure you, sir, my vision
has never been more clear.

- Silly Rabbit, religious
institutions are corrupt, man.

They've been coverin'
up the UFO sightings

just like the government.

Dude, I have it on good
authority that the pope himself

has been abducted and probed.

- My poor, deluded child.

I belong to no institution.

I am just me, myself, and I.

Traveling the road,
spreading the word.

- What the hell are you
doing here anyway, man?

I mean, we're kinda
busy with somethin'.

- I dropped in to see Bachman.

We were gonna have
a spiritual powwow.

- Oh, a little powwow
with the wow wow?

A little powwow that
you two in the back room

when it's all full of smoke?

- I have no idea what
you're referring to.

- Oh yeah, yeah right.

You know, how I ever got
hooked up with you losers

is beyond me.

- You had no arm, babe.

They drummed you out
of the minor leagues.

(glass shattering)

- How's that for no
arm, Curious George?

- Ow.

- [Brett] Hey, you
got a comment too?

- No, no, I just---
- Holy shit.

That's where that weird
guy touched the counter.

[Al] Weird guy?

- [Brett] The guy I
bought the bong from.

He had this green shit
all over his hands.

- It looks a lot like
the odd vegetation

we discovered at the crash
site of the meteorite.

- Spaceship.

- Yeah, very well, spaceship.

Ooh, I can compare it
to some of the samples

I took at the crash site.


The growth rate is astounding.

- Don't touch it.

The other dude had this
stuff growing all over him.

It's some sort of space fungus.

(light music)

(dramatic music)

- This herb is of
inferior quality.

- I'll have you know that
this is some primo...

Wait a second,
did you just talk?

- I see no one else in
this room, right boy?

- What is it with all you
talking bongs? (laughing)

Do you have a voice-activated
chip in you or something?

- Unhand me you worm!

- Hey,


That's kinda, hey,
that's kinda strong.

- You are repugnant to me

as you might find a
maggot distasteful.

I tolerate you only
because the process

is still in its earlier stages.

- Process?

- There is the
work I must do here

and that which must
be done on my world.

- So, the guys weren't joking

when they said you
were an alien bong.

- It is no joke.

It is the beginning of
the end for your world

and the dawning of my dominance.

- (laughing) You are a
real downer, my brother.


- [Bong] You are about to
go downer the rabbit hole.

Oh yes, yes, smoke
up, oldie. (laughing)

(dramatic chiming musc)

- Rabbit, no!

Oh, not again.
- He's been abducted.

- The bong got him.
- What I said, abducted.

- Perhaps we can argue
semantics later, gentlemen.

The bottom line
is, Rabbit's gone.

And perhaps the same
thing happened to Bachman.

- What is it with these
fuckin' bongs anyway?

Why do we always end up
findin' these things?

- Dude, they find us.

- We have to help him.

- Are you serious?

Do you remember what
happened last time?

The last two times?
- Well, we made it out.

- [Brett] That's
beside the point.

We don't know what the
hell's on the other side.

Dude, I'll bet this alien bong
wants to take over the world.

It's part of an invasion plot.

- Like Independence Day?

War of the Worlds?

This little thing?

(quick intense music)

- Don't touch me, you parasite.

- Don't trip dude, we come
in peace and all that stuff.

- You insignificant
specks of fecal matter.

- Here's how we
handle the invasion.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait!

If you destroy it we might never
get back Rabbit or Bachman.

- All right then,
what do you suggest?

- (laughing) Yes, scamper
away you little pansies.


- Sweet Jesus.


(eerie music)

- Man, I'm gonna have to get
some serious weed killer.

- Maybe it feeds on the stuff
man, you gotta be careful.

- Oh no, we seem
to have encountered

some kind of alien
intelligence, or AI.

- You mean A high.

[Brett] Shit.

- Okay Al, you're the
brains around here.

How do you propose we
fight the alien bong?

- Well, we were only able
to defeat the king bong

with the help of
a certain person.

Well, I mean, not
a person, but--

- You mean the evil bong.

Yeah, right, who wants
to see that bitch again?

Besides, we left her nag
ass down in the jungle.

- Well, no doubt
Larnell's grandfather

has her in his possession.

He seemed quite enamored of her.

- We left the old
man down there too.

Good fuckin' riddance.

- Actually, he's not
down there anymore.

- How do you know?

- Kinda been
keeping tabs on him.

- Why?

It was my impression that
your relationship with him

was no longer cordial.

- Yeah, he's been hatin' on you

ever since your mom
front-squirted you out.

- I didn't wanna take the
chance of him showin' up

and surprisin' me again.

Like he did down
in South America.

- So where is he?

I mean does he run the
local butt plug convention

or somethin' like that?

- Let's just say that Gramps
has turned over a new leaf.

(psychedelic music)

- Is this the great beyond?

Have I crossed over?


A bare angel.

Oh, this must be my reward
for all the good deeds I do.

Or maybe not.

Maybe it's not heaven.

Maybe it's that other place.

Well, Lord, if it
is that other place

let my punishment begin.


- Dude, you just
sounded like a chick.

- Oh, brother Bachman, I see
you too have crossed over.

- I don't know about
that shit, bro.

But I've been bangin' these
chicks since I got here.

They've milked me of
so much monkey powder

I don't know how
I'm still standing.


- What do you mean
by milked you?

- Like, for safe keeping, you
know like when I'm sleeping.

See, the wang-looking tentacle

combines with the aliens spunky

to form like this super splooge.

That's why it's great.

That's not my normal
color, by the way.

And then they keep
it in these jars.

It's like they're tryin'
to populate the place

with a bunch of little baby
Bachmans runnin' around.

Cool, huh?

- Brother, that fills
me with a horror

that you cannot even imagine.

- If by horror, you mean
fuckin' awesome, then I concur.

- I don't know about this,
girls. (nervously laughing)

- Oh, just go with it bro
it's all part of their game.

It's cool, it's cool.

- Geeky!



Rabbit likes.

I am full of joy.

- Whoa, you're inside
me, how is that possible?


(eerie chiming music)

(faint laughing)
- What the hell was that?

- Sounded like Rabbit, he's
gotta be in the bong world.

- Are they killing him or what?

(Rabbit faintly laughing)

- Uh, he doesn't sound
like he's in any distress.

- He's gettin' his rocks off.

- That doesn't sound like
any kind of alien invasion

I've ever heard of.
- No, don't you get it, man?

That's the genius of it.

They attack us where we're
the weakest, our anacondas.

- I don't know about you, bro,

but I'm strongest
in my anaconda.

(mysterious music)

(throat clearing)

- Who was it summoned
the good doctor?

- That'd be me, Gramps.
- You?

- Yeah, me.

It's good to see you.

- You?

- Yeah, me, it's
good to see you.

- Yes, well I wish I
could say the same.

But I enjoy my flare-ups
of my genital herpes

more than I do seeing
your insipid face again.

- Should've known
you haven't changed.

- Ah, but I have.

You can call me Dr. Weed.

And this is my personal
assistant, Nurse Hookah.

- (chuckling) What the shit?

Are you tryin' to tell me

that you're selling
medical weed now?

- Well, since my
experiences in South America

I decided to join the
enemy, so to speak.

And it's proved very lucrative.

Not that you layabouts

would know anything
about making money.

- Hey, back off, Jerry Garcia.

This joint is my place.

- Some impressive
items around here

but you will be foreclosed
on within two months.

- Oh, thanks a lot old man.

- I was given to understand

that the sell of
medicinal marijuana

was done only in
pharmaceutical shops.

- Ah, yes, I recalled you were
one of the brighter elements

in this gang of nincompoops.

If one can make such comparisons
among the lower forms, eh?

But you were correct, nerd,

in alluding to the
popularity of the shops.

But those are for
amateurs, morons.

They're targets for
miscreant thieves.

Pimps and gangbangers shooting
each other just for a taste.

Now, the only way to
go is special delivery.

So, let's get down
to some business, et?

Besides the traditional
seeds and weeds

I've got brownies,
cookies, ice cream,

even newfangled lemonade.

One taste will blast
you over the moon.


- Actually Gramps, we
kinda need your help.

- The only help you're
likely to get from me

is a retroactive abortion.

- I should've known.

But we're serious Mr., um
I mean, Gra-, uh, Dr. Weed.

- Really serious, Gramps.

Like the whole world is
screwed kind of serious.

- What are you
babbling on about?

- Well, we're not sure but--

It's an invasion, aliens
from another world

planning a take-over of Earth.

- Since the day your
mother squeezed you

out of her rectal cavity,

you've been nothing
but misery for me.

And now you're giving
me this bullshit

about invasions from aliens?

Let's get out of here, Nursey.

- Wait, we can
prove it, we think.

(psychedelic music)

- [Larnell] There it is, the
advance scout of the invasion.

- What of it?

It's a cheap movie prop.

- That's what I thought
at first too, but--

- But what?

Spit it out, you
incompetent imbecile.

- Two of our friends
checked out, Gramps,

we think the bong--
- We believe that

there's a possibility that
the bong has taken them.

- You clowns must take me for
the biggest rube in history.

- Give it a sec, Gramps.

(light music)

Well come on, say
something, damnit.

Show us your power
over us little ants.

(light music)

He's shuttin' us
out, dudes, not cool.

Bong's bein' a total D-bag.

- Total D-bag.

- No, no, no, wait, wait.

There's something
else you have to see.

- Fuckin' astounding.!

- Don't touch it.

Its properties of reproduction
and accelerated growth

are beyond anything
I've encountered.


- Indeedy, Nurse Hookah,
a veritable gold mine.

Where did you get it?

- Oh, out by the old--
- Hang tight, Al.

Gramps gets nothin' from us,

not till he gives
over somethin'.

- Oh, so now you think you
can bargain with me, huh?

With your frazzled little brain.

- Now, settle down, beast.

We just think you got
something we can use.

- Yeah?

Like what?

- The evil bong, the bitch bong.

- How do you know I have her?

- Now don't snow me,
Gramps, I know you got her.

We left you down there
in the jungle with her

and no way you'd escape
without taking her with you.

- Yes, I still owe you for
that, ditching me down there.

You puss-oozin' pecker.

- Let's just call it even

for all the crap you dished
out on me over the years.

Right now, we're just
lookin' for a little trade.

Call it a loan.
- I call it extortion.

I think this thing stinks

like a sumo wrestler's just
taken a dump on a burning tire.

- So where is she?

- Who?

- The bitch bong.

- I have to go and get
her, she's in a safe place.

- Yeah, I'll bet
she's in a safe place.

- Very well.

(muffled mumbling)

There you go, pooky poo.


There you are.

- You tryin' to
suffocate a girl?


- It's all in interest of
safety, you understand.

- Mm!
- Hmm.

- Mm, safety, my ass.

Your safety, maybe, honky.

Tape on my mouth
only pisses me off.

Can't keep a woman
down like that.

- Yes, you're right
sweetheart, I apologize, huh?

- That's bad, Gramps, Dick
Cheney on a goose hunt bad.

- Ah, hell no, not those
crazy white boys again.

How many times you try
to kill me already?

- Uh, uh, well, uh, actually
last time we all defeated

the king bong together,
if you remember correctly.

- (chortling) I
remember all right.

Then you left me down in
that hot, sweaty jungle,

all them bugs and spiders
crawlin' all over me.

Oh, lordy!

How do you plan to torture me
this time, you little shits?

- No torture, just asking
for a little advice is all.

- Advice?

You mean, you want my help?

- Well if you wanna
put it that way.

- Oh, wait a goddamn
minute, what in the hell?


Hmm, now that is some
kind of sweet, sweet weed.

Wouldn't you say Doctor?

- Just what the doctor
ordered, sweetheart.

Oh, we could do something
with this on the streets.

Uh, I mean, for medicinal
purposes of course.

- Oh, (chuckling) of course.

- Wait a second,
nobody's doing anything

until we get a little help
with our problem here.

- What little problem is that?

Your dick?

- No, not his
little monkey prick.


- Oh!

(dramatic music)

- It's from outer space.

- What you talking
'bout, Willis?

- I mean this little problem
could be your little problem.

Could be the whole
world's little problem.

- In simplest terms,

we believe an alien
invasion may be afoot.

- Yeah.
- You dumb geeks

have all done flipped.

- Maybe you could just
talk to it or something

and just, you know, just--
- Talk to it?

You dumb-ass cracker, what am I?

Some side show act motherfucker?

- Well, no, but I mean there
aren't that many talking bongs

and I just thought--

- There's only one of me

and don't you let your lily
white ass ever forget it.

- But this one was
running his mouth earlier,

saying some really nasty stuff.

Insults that were
totally uncalled for

and unprovoked, I might add.

- This one?


Shit, thing's nothing
but a piece of junk.

Let's grab some of this super
weed and get out of here.

- I concur, sweetheart.

- You dare to refer to
me as a piece of junk?

My outward appearance
is designed

only to blend better within
your rudimentary world.

To better fool
your simple minds.

- Who you calling
simple, motherfucker?

- You are nothing but trash
to be swept into the gutters

of what you call the
ghetto of this world.

- Say what?

(laughing) Let me at
him, I'm gonna kill him!

- Calm down now,
sweetheart, take it easy.

We'll take care of this
imposter in due course,

I assure you, huh?

Well now.

What do you guys propose?

- Take it away.

Here's what we're
thinkin', Gramps.

We want you to take a
toke from that thing.

Do a little research, do a
little recon, report back to us.

- (scoffing) You're insane.

- We need E.B's help to
help get our friends back,

Bachman, Rabbit, and to stop
this invasion from happening.

- [Alien Bong] You
think I cannot hear you?


- She's gotta know
how to beat him.

- I don't know nothin'
'bout that fucker.

Except he's an asshole.

- You wanna get your hands
on some of that alien weed?

Then you're gonna help us out.

- Why the hell
would I go in there?

- We've got what you want, pops,

and you're not gettin'
it until you help us out.

Oh shit, she's damn strong.

- Yeah, indeed she is.

Grown from the finest stock.

So, here's the new plan.

While I could get greedy over
the weedy and take what I want

I have to admit that I
too am a little curious.

So, you guys are gonna
go into the dragon's lair

on this recon that you speak of

and I'm gonna wait out here

and keep my eye out on this,
uh, stupid friend of yours.

- Dudes, don't do it.

There's no way you can
trust this crank yanker.

- Let me assure you gentlemen

that Nurse Hookah
is well schooled

in all aspects of
the deadly arts.

And she wouldn't
hesitate for one second

to use them to extinguish

yet another stupid dweeb.

- Another?

You mean she's done this before?

(karate screaming)

Not now, Larnell.

Perhaps we should
do as he demands.

- [Larnell] This
ain't right, Al.

- Agreed, but we have one
more demand of our own.

- And what might that be?

- We need E.B. to go with us.

- Out of the question.

- No, she's necessary for
the success of this mission.

- Oh, hell no.

- I wouldn't let them
hurt you, sweetheart,

you know that, never.

- Let's face it Gramps, there
could be a whole lot more

of this space weed
where that came from.

- (laughing) No
you don't old man.

I know that look in your
eye when greed takes over.

- Just think of it E.B.

We could get what we wanted.

An opportunity to
take over the world

with the greatest source
of grass known to man.

Leading to the
rise, the unrivaled,

unchecked rise to
fame and fortune

of the good Dr. Weed!

- And you just gonna leave
me out on street, is that it?

- Oh, no sweetheart
no, no, no, no, never.

- Typical, honkey motherfucker.

You gonna dump me for this
white piece of ass, ain't ya?

- No, no, no, no, Nurse
Hookah has certain attributes

but nothing to compare
with you sweetness, huh?

(light hopeful music)


(giggling and moaning)

- Oh man, they're so gross.

- Let's clip it along,
Gramps, make-out sesh is over.

Let's do this thing.

- I'm gonna get
you for this, hmm?

Doctor Viagra.

(psychedelic music)


(suspenseful music)

Mm, man, this thing
creeps me out.

- It is only because
your simple mind

cannot grasp the untold
power before you.

- Who you calling simple?

- Excuse me, Junior,

I don't believe I gave
you permission to--

- Fuck your permission, bro.

We gotta get in there.

Pardon me if I use my own stash
instead of that alien shit.

- Oh this thin, weak
earthly vegetation

is an affront to my
senses, but do as you will.

- Oh I will, Tarzan, I will.

- You offend me, you
disgust me, you repulse me.

Take me you worm.

- This bong has issues, dude.

- [Alien Bong] Yes.
(evilly laughing)

Humans are such easy prey.



- Whoa.

Okay Al, your turn.

Come on Al, don't back out now.

- Oh, indeed, no.

Friends need saving, plus
think of the discovery.

- Whatever works for
you, now suck it.

- Hmm, admirable.

Now join me in my world.


Let me blow your fragile mind.



- I hate to be the one to
break this to you E.B.,

but you're next.

- You're gonna get it,
you're gonna get it,

you're gonna get it!
- Silence, wench.

Let me take you.
- Whoa, I feel like

I went to an orgy but
nobody gave me the butter.


- A new day has dawned.

Soon our worlds will unite.

(chiming music)




- Rabbit?

- They got me, man.

- What's that noise, bro?

- They got me hooked up.

- Oh, they're
jizz-milkin' you, Hoss.

- They want our seed, man.

- But this is some
sick shit, bro.

- You gotta get this off of me.

- I am not touching that thing.

- What if they're
raising our babies

to an army to invade Earth?

- That's a new one.

- Or maybe they're raising
our babies to eat 'em.

They're cannibals.!

(sobbing) Cannibals,
oh the humanity!

- Calm it down dude,
where's Bachman?

- They got him, they
got him so far out.

- Hang tight.

- Don't leave me, man. (sobbing)

No, don't leave me!


- You're not alone,
talk to Jesus.


(mumbling and sobbing)

(eerie music)
(milking machine squishing)

- The alien world, or the
bong world if you will,

seems to be comprised of
very little physical matter.

In here, this fog,
these meager furnishings

seems to be contrived merely
to placate our human minds

and possibly nothing else.

Perhaps, in fact these images
have been taken from our minds

to serve no purpose
except basically

to give us illusion
for our own benefit.

Thus far, I have seen no sign

of Bachman, Larnell, or Rabbit.

Nor have I seen any sign
of any alien beings.

I have, although, discerned
the sound of what can only be

described as some kind
of mechanical device.


(mechanical squishing)



Moving on to investigate.

(eerie music)

There's most certainly
a machine at work here

but I can't see anything

in this foggy, oh!


I seem to have tripped

on some living organism.

(exclaiming disgustedly)

There's fluid
running through it.

The fluid is being transferred

from somewhere else into
a series of vast jugs.

What it is or for what purpose
I cannot understand yet

without further observation.

(rhythmic squelching)


The smell is unpleasant

and pronounced,
to say the least.

The viscosity of it is similar

to that of a consistency

of a kind of material that I,

I'm not entirely sure of

but it's absolutely
disgusting and it....

Oh, my.

I seem to have encountered
an alien being.

Female, by all accounts,

voluptuous in nature

with a physical attractiveness

an average male
might find appealing.

Is this the alien's true form

or has her imagery been
plucked from my memory?

Although, I can't necessarily
ever recall imagining

a naked woman with
images painted on her

as if the brush strokes
had been applied

by some kind of sexual tagger.

Oh my,

the alien is amorous.

(recorder clattering)

Oh no, no, my field notes.

Wait, wait, no.

Oh my god, please, please, no.

(chiming music)


- It seems your friend has made
a scientific discovery, eh?


- He is now one with the hive.

- The hive?

What the fuck?

- Yeah, yeah, hive.

Don't you know what a
hive is, simpleton, eh?

- Yeah, it's like
for bees and shit.

- (laughing) Bees and shit.

And all the insects, all
the insects of the earth.

Insects meaning humans, huh?

Am I correct?

- Rudimentary, but accurate.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughing)

You mean to assimilate us, hmm?

Not necessarily
invade and destroy us.

- Oh, uh, perhaps.

- You want to live among us,
share our world with us, eh?

Not rule over us, huh, hmm?

- That is one concept, yes.

- (laughing) You see, boy?

You've been worried
over nothing. (laughing)

- How much of your
weed you been smokin',

you stupid sag bag?

This bong's snowin' you.

- I think I'm old enough to
be able to discern deception.


Even though my faculties
may be slightly impaired

because of certain hallucinatory
elements. (laughing)

Anybody got any
pizza, eh? (laughing)

- Man, you better not be
smokin' that super grass

that's growin' on the counter.

You don't know what
that shit'll do to you.

- Ah, don't make
me out a fool, boy.

- Well you haven't been playing
this one too smart so far.

As far as I can tell
you're playing right in

to this helium bot's hands,
or hoses, or whatever.


- I have it all under
control, eh? (laughing)

- Shit, Larnell was right.

These aliens are gonna
totally work us over.



- Bachman?

- Dude.

- Bach, what the hell?

- I've been probed, in my dong.

- I knew it.

- Hold up, white boy.

You don't wanna be
touchin' that shit.

- But I gotta help him.

- How?

Decorate your garden,
use him for mulch?

- Listen, bitch, if you're
not gonna be constructive

then zip it, all right?

- Just tryin' to help.

- Well if you wanna help then
tell me what's happenin' here.

Dude, they sucked me dry.

- He's right, this
boy's seed is history.

His meat flute ain't
playing no more tunes, baby.

- My wacker's toast, bro.

- Just hang on,
B, I'm gonna think

of somethin', okay, just...

E.B., how about
some suggestions?

- Oh ho, so now you wanna
hear from me, is that it?

Done keeping a good woman down?

- I'm sorry for snappin', okay?

- Oppressive cracker.

- How about some
ideas here, E.B.?

- Ideas wouldn't be a bad thing.

I wouldn't mind
getting out of here

while the getting's good.
- So?

- Okay, look numb nuts.

These aliens want
some human seed.

Don't know why,
and I don't care.

My guess is they're raising
a bunch of imitation humans

to help invade Earth.

- Yeah, kinda like in Invasion
of the Body Snatchers?

- But with weed.



- Aw, shit, monkey.

- Just hang tight there, B.

I'll get you out, somehow.

Watch my boy, E.B.
- Oh yeah, I'll do that.


(static crackling)

(rhythmic squelching)

- Al?


Oh, they got you
by the groin, man.

- (grunts) Larnell,
you gotta help me.

I don't want them
taking my essence.

- I totally get it, man,
that is some Mensa splooge.

Valuable shit on
the black market.

- And it just, it just amounts
to such an extreme violation.



- Oh, it sounds as if another

has been brought into the fold.


- I don't know what you're
smiling about old man.

- (laughing) It's very
simple, you ignoramus, eh?

The aliens have
their intentions set

on taking over the
world, and I for one

have no fear

because they are going to
need humans of higher learning

to give them assistance

in maintaining the earth
at a functioning level.


- And you think
that's gonna be you?

- I know it's gonna
be me, eh? (laughing)

Isn't that so, Mr. Alien Bong?

- Why of course it is.

- You're an idiot,
you dirty old hippie.


(blow thudding)
- No!

Nurse, nurse, Nurse Hookah.


oh, my.

Oh my dear, oh dear.

- Damn, that chick's
got a hard noggin.

- Stop!

What the fuck?

It's time to take it out!

- And you think that's
the best thing to do?

- Fuckin' this thing
up's the best idea

I've had in a long time.

- Then how are you gonna get
in there and help your friends?

- Okay, maybe you've
got a good point.

- Wise decision, though
ultimately doomed for failure.

- We'll see about that.

(eerie music)

- Yes, put your lips on
that, you pathetic maggot.

(water bubbling)


- Buy a kingdom for a hard-on.


Can you, well, I am spent.

There's way, two
ways about it, I am.

- Rabbit!

Dude you look like shit.

What happened?

- Those alien bong chicks.

They attacked me, I couldn't--

- Dude, you didn't learn
anything from last time?

With the poontang?

- Poontang. (chuckling)

- You gotta abstain.

Restrain, resist temptation.

Come on, you idiot.

(suspenseful music)


What the hell?


- Bro, things ain't
going so good.

- No,

not so good.


You're a fuckin' Chia Pet.

♪ Ch-ch-ch Chia

- You got screwed.

- No shit.

You gotta get this
stuff off of me, bro.

- Huh uh, huh uh,
dude, I'm outta here.


- Don't be a pussy, man.


- Rabbit.

- [Bachman] Rabbit.

- [Brett] Good luck.

- Oh, guys, come on man.

(rhythmic squelching)


- Holy shit, it's Al.

(dramatic music)

What do you think this thing is?

Some kind of alien
weapon or something?

- Uh uh, Brett, uh, Brett.

- I'm takin' these
cock fuckers out.

- Brett I wouldn't do that!


- That has some of
those boys down.

- Brother, I hate
to break this to you

but you do not want
to know what that is

you got all over you.

- What?

- Jizz.

- Oh sick, oh these aliens
are sick, fuck, fuck!

- Hey, it's not so
bad, it's not so bad.

It's just a little of mine
and a little of Bachman's.

- That's my semen.


- Dudes!
- Bro, look at this shit!

- You got space wank
all over you, babe.

- What's happening to Al?

- They still got him hooked up.

They're milking him
pretty good, too.

(crackling and whooshing)

- Mm hmm, they want
that smart jizz.

That's what they want.

They thinkin' they can
take over the world

faster with smarts
than with stupid.

Gotta stop them.

- I think what she's referring
to is that our manhoods

is lacking in certain
intellectual properties.

- Oh who gives a fuck,
let's just get out of here.

- What about brother Al?

- I've never felt so alive.

I'm in so much pain.

It's cosmic.

- Hold my bone.

Be strong for me, Al,

this might sting a little bit.
- Um.



(whispering and
karate screaming)

I normally don't hit a lady,
but you ain't no ladies.

- Your joint, sir.

That was monkey.

- Uh, it was drunken monkey.

- Right on, Al.

Look at me, Al.

On three.



Oh god. (groaning)

Oh god.

- Now let's get that alien bong.

- And just how do you propose
we do that, spunky monkey?

We're here in god knows where

and that thing's back
in the head shop.

- I got an idea, I got an idea.

- What you got, E.B.?

- We gotta cause us
a chain reaction.

- Huh?
- Wait, wait, wait.

I think she has something here.

I mean the effect of
the bong, you know,

reaches between both worlds.

Maybe somehow we can
reverse the process.

- Yeah?

But how?

- Well, I figure we need
a really strong catalyst,

you know, something to
jump start the process.

- What did you have in mind?

(smooth music)

- Yeah, yeah. (laughing)

Yes, yes, yes!

- What?

- You could be the catalyst.

- Catalyst?

- The conduit.

Is that right, Al?

- Correct.

- (laughing) Hey,
you're the walrus.

- Coo coo ca choo.

(psychedelic music)

(karate screaming)

(techno music)

- All right boys, let's
fire this puppy up.

- Huh?

No way, no, no, no, no.

- Yes way, play like a
champion for me Bach.

- No, no, no, no, no.


Ah, ah, hot, hot, hot, hot.

- [Larnell] Total
team player dude.


- Hot, hot, hot.


it's hot, hot. (groaning)


(eerie music)


- No, no!

My female units!

My force!

- [Gramps] What's the matter?

- Those worms, those bugs.

They're using my
weapons against me.

Those scum, those
insignificant parasites.

- Yes, yes, I've been
saying the same thing myself

for years now, eh?

Especially in the
case of these cretins.

These extremely difficult
to exterminate parasites.

- [Alien Bong] No!


(eerie music)

- Now it's time we send
a message to the man,

the bong in charge.

- Dude, give me the honors.

- Dude, you wanna toke yourself?

- If you want
something done right.

That's right, light it up.

Lean on over on me.


Give me a doobie,
doobie, doobie.

- Take your medicine.

- [Brett] Suck, Bach.

- With any luck.


(dramatic music)

- No!

No, no!

(electricity crackling)

(explosion booming)

- That could have gone better.


(explosion booming)


- [Bachman] Oh, oh, huh.

Some pussy landed in my face.

- [Rabbit] Praise the Lord.

- Well, looks like
you did it again,

you stupid mother fuckers.

- We did it.

- Once again, I gotta thank
what's in the good book.

(psychedelic music)

- Dude, I needed that shower.

My clothes got pretty jizzy.

- Well I for one could
go the rest of my life

without another alien invasion.

- The one spot I
gotta agree with you.

- We might not have
any choice, dudes.

Those Area 51 aliens are
gonna get out, no joke,

and they are gonna be pissed.

- I think that conspiracy theory

has run its particular
course, Larnell.

- Not at all, Al.

How do you think you'd feel

if you'd been force fed malt
balls for the past 60 years?

- Fat asses won't be able
to get out of their own way,

let alone be any threat to us.

- Amen to that, brothers.

(cell phone chiming)

- Shit, it's Luann.
- What?

What about the
restraining order?

- Think she cares about that?

Chick's obsessed.

(video game beeping)

- These are for
you, my sexy flower.


- Sorry, I got angry
ass again today.


(soft upbeat music)

- I want you now.


- What?

It's been a bit of a dry spell.

- Go get 'em, champ.

Yeah, at least he has somebody.

Wish I could run
into Velicity again.

- You ought to look her up

when you're in the
neighborhood of South America.


- [Bachman] You guys
smell somethin'?

- Somebody order pizza?

- Velicity?

What are you doin' here?

- Oh, would you rather I go?

- Fuck no.

I mean, of course not.

- Well don't just stand
there like an idiot.

(upbeat reggae music)

- Man, I have missed you a ton.

Been datin' five sisters
on Palm Street every night.

But seriously, what
are you doin' here?

- Well, when your grandfather
disappeared in South America,

so did my paychecks.

He was paying me after all,

so I decided I could
use a change of scenery.

So I left one jungle for
another, and here I am.

- That's great.

How long you plan on staying?

- Well, that sorta depends.

- Depends on what?

I imagine you're gonna be
stayin' for quite a while, then.

- Brett, what's wrong?

I am so ready for you.

- I'm not sure I
can do this anymore.

- What do you mean, snuggle bug?

- Well, you made me feel
bad about myself before.

I thought you liked
me for who I am.

- Oh.

I love you for who
you are, hot stuff.

You are so hot.


- That's just the point.

You know, I like
who I am now too.

But you were repulsed by me
when I was a little bigger.

I'm still the same
guy on the inside.

- Oh you are so cute with
your little emotions.

Oh, those days are
gone, right hunky?

And this is now.

And I want you so bad.

- I guess you're right,
I'm just being silly.

- Of course I am.

So show me the goods,

beef cake.

- With pleasure.


(scary music)

What's wrong, baby cakes?

- What about Grandpa?

- Gramps, we forgot him.

(eerie music)

(playful music)

- There we have
it, Nurse Hookah.

Gaze upon it.

What is it?

It's very simple.



(uplifting music)


♪ I think God smokes weed

♪ And he was high
when he made me ♪

♪ I can feel it in my DNA

♪ I think God smokes weed

♪ And he was high
when he made me ♪

♪ And I think he
gave up halfway ♪

♪ Boy I was complete
as I understand ♪

♪ God was making a mess
of the man he planned ♪

♪ In the face of defeat

♪ He smoked a helping hand

♪ And said I'll just put
him in a reggae band ♪

♪ I feel it in the beat
when I'm on the stand ♪

♪ Feel it in my feet
when I'm on the sand ♪

♪ I see it in the sunsets
that might expand ♪

♪ Into your mind so
you'll understand ♪

♪ I think God smokes weed

♪ And he was high
when he made me ♪

♪ I can feel it in my DNA

♪ I think God smokes weed

♪ And he was high
when he made me ♪

♪ And I think he
gave up halfway ♪

♪ Back in Catholic
school till my memory ♪

♪ It made me a feel a
fool through humility ♪

♪ It said that God's
available consistently ♪

♪ Except for the one time
you dropped that seed ♪

♪ I hear that God's in you
and me and all we see ♪

♪ Assuming all the
actions of my own body ♪

♪ If that's the way it
is then you must agree ♪

♪ Every time we rock
the ganj' so does he ♪

♪ I think God smokes weed

♪ And he was high
when he made me ♪

♪ I can feel it in my DNA

♪ I think God smokes weed

♪ And he was high
when he made me ♪

♪ And I think he
gave up halfway ♪