Evil Alien Conquerors (2003) - full transcript

My-ik [Diedrich Bader] and Du-ug [Chris Parnell] are evil alien conquerors from the planet Kabijj. They have exactly 822,000 tilkrons (2 and half days) to behead all of mankind. Otherwise they will feel the wrath of a 100 foot giant, named Croker [Tyler Labine]. Armed with only their swords, these inept evil aliens find Earth harder to conquer than planned. Will alcohol, fast food, mad cows, and women stand in their way? Or is the Earth doomed?

Evil alien conquerors

evil alien conquerors

they rule!

Evil alien conquerors

evil alien conquerors

bow down!

Oh, the evil
alien conquerors

they're evil because
of their plan

evil alien conquerors

they're aliens
from a strange land

evil alien conquerors will
conquer your very soul

evil alien conquerors

they want your head
on a pole

evil alien conquerors

evil alien conquerors

they rule!

Evil alien conquerors

evil alien conquerors

bow down!

Oh, the "e"
is for evil

and evil you will see

"a" is for alien

for aliens they be

the "c"
is for conquerors

and conquer you
they shall

the evil alien conquerors
will never be your pal

evil alien conquerors

evil alien conquerors

they rule!

Evil alien conquerors

evil alien conquerors

bow down!

You will go
to earth!

We shall!

You will destroy
all human life.


Here are your swords!

They are imbued with
Kabijjian magnificence.

- Every human head shall fall.
- Yes!

My-ik, Du-ug,

in 822,000 til-krons,

we will send
the giant Croker!


If you have succeeded,
you will return in glory.

If you have failed,
you will return in Croker's poop!

By Rabirr's flapping jowls,

we will dominate
the pathetic earthlings!

I am Rabirr.

- You are!
- Yeah.

Our last conquerors
were destroyed by the transporter.

It works better now.

Are you ready?

We are!

Enthuse for Rabirr!

Evil, evil,
alien, alien

conquerors, conquerors,
they rule!


Well, Du-ug, shall we take
this hideous planet?

My-ik, our swords.
Where are our swords?

Look out!

This is not a problem.

Our vast superiority
over the earthlings

will be the only
advantage that we need.

Besides, we have 822,000 til-krons
until Croker comes.

That works out to...
Two and a half days.


How's it going?

You guys are aliens, right?

We are evil aliens conquerors
from the planet Kabijj,

sent here to utterly
dominate your planet

and annihilate all human life.

Right, right.

'Cause I saw you guys,
like, fall out of the sky.

Well, uh...
Good luck, I guess.

He will die painlessly.
You will die painlessly.

All right.

We will speak to the leader
of this fry kingdom, Du-ug.

We will command him to surrender earth
and bring to us all of its citizens.

Our triumph will be
quick and absolute, My-ik.

You've never been
more correct, Du-ug.

Our mere presence here will cause these
lowly beings to bow down before us.


the shrinkage!

The Kabijjian magnificence
of our make-up kits

has been so diminished.

How I long to slather my face

in a thick chunky foundation!

The quicker our triumph, Du-ug,

the quicker we'll be clogging
our pores again.

We are your worst
nightmare, earthlings!

We are the end
of the human race!

Behold our swords!

They may be small,
but they are imbued

with Kabijjian magnificence.

Okay, why don't we
just go outside?

Soon your heads
will all be removed.

Your planet will be
under our control.

Your heads will be under our control.
Enthuse for Rabirr!

You will die in agony, Mr. Breen.

You will die begging for mercy.

And we will gladly provide it.

I don't ever want to see
you two in here again.

Perhaps the takeover of earth

will not be as easy
as we anticipated, My-ik.

As the great Rabirr
himself noted, Du-ug,

"the future always dangles
just before us,

like a Li-ma before the hungry
Kro-dit's anus."

We will...
Keep searching

for the leader of this planet, Du-ug.

But surely it cannot
be this Mr. Breen.

So how'd it go, guys?


So I was wondering,

Do you have, like,
a plan or something?

Our plan is, number one,
come to planet earth.

That part has been accomplished.

Number two,
dominate the planet

and annihilate all human life.

Right, right,
that part.

But do you have like aplan plan?
Like how to do it?

By Rabirr's flabby buttocks,
you ask too many questions.

Hey man, you don't have
to be so defensive.

I'm not
against you guys.

You have a place to stay?

We need no place to stay,
we are superior beings.

Right, right.

No, I just thought
the wind might pick up.

And plus, you guys
hang around here too long,

Mr. Breen will
definitely call the cops.

Mr. Breen will be one of the first
to be beheaded.

Yeah, he's a dick.

I've been working at that place for
like a year now,

and he hasn't
given me a raise once.

In fact, he's like, lowered my salary,
like, three times.

- Unacceptable!
- I know, right?

But I got nothing else
going on right now.

Sorta had to eat a slice
of the old turd pie.

Turd pie?
My appetite stirs.

So you're like...
Real aliens, huh?

We are evil alien conquerors.

That's cool.

Well, uh...

I'd just watch out for that wind,

because when it blows, man,

sometimes the cats barf.

Cat barf...
Now my appetite stirs.

All right, well,

I'm gonna take off,
so last call if you want a ride.

We need no ride!

Okay, here we are.

So guys, just make
yourselves at home.

Get this out of your way.
Have a seat.

The old homestead.

You want
a Smirnoff Ice?

Smirnoff Ice?

Oh, you guys
are gonna like this.

Your abode is an abomination!

Whoa! You don't got
very good manners, do you?

Yeah, I know.
So here you go, guys.

Enthuse for Rabirr!

So who is this Rabirr dude, anyway?

Rabirr is the leader of our
noble home planet. He is very great.

I will now briefly rhapsodize
on his greatness

and the glory of our
home planet for you.

- Oh, that's okay.
- Oh, Rabirr. Oh, Rabirr.

great is your shape
and your form...

Oh, Rabirr, great Rabirr.

you have a giant
fat butt...

Oh Rabirr,
great Rabirr.

You wear
ladies' underwear!

Oh, bathroom's
over there, Doug.

Fat ass,
fat ass!


From your mighty
rock-strewn deserts...

To your stinking
bilious swamps...

From your massive
sludgy slime-pits...

To your massive
gassy holes...

Oh, how we love you,

I have performed the ceremonial
head dunk, My-ik.

Well done, Du-ug!
Now I will do the same.

Have you any more
Smirnoff Ice, Kenny?

Oh, yeah.



- Oh yeah.
- Oh, baby, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Get ready
to rock and roll, baby.

Get ready to rock
and roll!

Yeah, yeah!
Rock and roll!

That's my roommate Ron.

He gets laid a lot, okay?

Just be cool.
Mike, be cool.

- Who the hell are you?
- Gu--

- Kenny!
- Oh yeah, these are my new friends, Ron.

Mike and Doug.
They're new in town.

You know this guy Kenny
is a total loser, right?

- Gu--
- Shut up, Ron.

Just joking,

- You will die in agony, Ron.
- What?

We are not new in town,

we are evil alien conquerors
from the planet Kabijj,

sent here to utterly
dominate your planet.

Behold the Kabijjian magnificence!

Oh, man.

Kenny, I'm tired of you bringing
your loser friends around here, man.

This isn't a shelter
for 'em, you know?


I pay some of the rent here too,
and I got some rights.

You're a zero, Ken.
You were a zero in high school,

a zero at Jack in the box--
you will always be a zero.

- You're the zero, Ron.
- No, Kenny, I'm a 10.

- Heh, out of what?
- 10!

This one will die
begging for mercy, Du-ug.

And we will gladly
provide it.

Listen, losers,

when I'm making love
to a woman--

which I happen to do a lot
because I'm avery good lover--

in fact, I'm the kind of guy
who gets threesomes sometimes, okay?

That's four boobs,
four butt-cheeks and me.

Me. Not you guys.
So stay out of my way!

And don't touch my Sun Chips
or Crystal Geysers.

This one will die in agony, Du-ug.

He will.

Sun Chips and Crystal Geysers, baby!

Ron makes infomercials.

He's good with the rent.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Lock and load, baby.

Lock and load!
Get ready for Ron, baby.

Yeah, yeah,
go Ron, go!

Go Ron, go!
Go Ron, go-oo!

You guys can sleep
out here if you want.

- My-ik?
- Yes, Du-ug.

- Do you like Smirnoff Ice?
- No.

I don't either.

I wonder if there's any more
left in the refrigerator?

- Du-ug.
- Yes, My-ik?

I saw something

unspeakably horrid
in the bathroom.


They take their
clothes off here, Du-ug.


- In Kabijj, we never undress.
- We never shall.

Enthuse for Rabirr!


Tomorrow we begin to dominate
this hideous planet.

And soon, very soon,

we will once again
be floating face down

at the rancid muck hole
at Gro-ankus.

Oh, how I long for it.

How I long for full make-up.

We are doing well, My-ik?

Very well.








How's it going, Mike?

I had no dream.

So Mike,

Doug and I were trying
to figure somethin' out here.


There's like six billion
people on earth.

- Six billion times the pleasure.
- Well, yeah.

What I'm trying to figure out
is there's just the two of you, right?

And you have
822,000 til-krons,

which Doug said works out
to like two days?

- More than enough.
- Okay.

So that's like
three billion people a day.

And let's say you do
12-hour days, no breaks.

That's like
250 million an hour.

Four million a minute.

70,000 a second.

This is not a problem.

Not to mention,
some people might not, like,

line up to be beheaded.

Although some people
probably would, sure.

But some people might,
like, you know,

hide or something.

- Not a problem.
- No?

- No.
- Okay, so...

You guys must be
really good at this, right?

That is correct.

You've probably done this, like,

on a bunch of other planets, right?

By Rabirr's flaccid micro-phallus,

what are you driving at, earthling?!

Have you any more Smirnoff Ice, Kenny?

Oh yeah, I think there's half of one
left in the fridge.

- You'll die painlessly.
- Thanks.

No, I'm just saying,
you know,

- A, you have no weapons--
- We have our swords.

They're imbued
with Kabijjian magnificence!

Yeah, and they'd be really good

for like, spearing olives with,

but maybe not for beheading
the entire human race.

And B, you have
no experience.

When we are finished here
we will have experience.


Well, yeah, but
I'm thinking

I don't start work till 6:00,

and I've got a pretty good idea.

You guys gonna be doing
some work on the house?

Oh no, umm...

They're here to behead
every human being on the planet.

- They're the evil alien conquerors.
- Got you.

So they're gonna want something
with some real power, then?

Oh, definitely.

This baby here
can really--

he's gotta be
more careful.

He's all right.
He's had, like, 10 Smirnoff Ices.

But no, he's all right.

No, but they really are
the evil alien conquerors.

I saw them fall out
of the sky last night,

and it was like "Independence Day."


They don't have big ships

and there's only two of them.

And they don't really
have any special abilities

or weapons or anything.

But they are completely
superior beings.

Of course, if they do follow through
with their mission,

then I'll get beheaded too.

But I don't really
think I will.

But if I do, I get this huge
spike for my head--

like extra, extra tall.
They told me.

But I'm thinking
like, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you know?

Like Obi-Wan, because he dies,

then he becomes even more powerful,
like a ghost or something.

Anyway, if they don't,
then this guy Croker will come,

and Croker is like total
malignant destruction,

like 100 foot tall.

How are you guys
paying for all this?

Okay, see,

you got to make money
in order to buy those things,

and this is
the quickest way to do it.

Good luck.

See you back
here at 3:00.

- You boys, looking for work?
- Yes.

Hop in the back.

We are not boys!


We are not boys,
we are evil alien conquerors!

- What?!
- We are evil alien conquerors.

Hold on!

You want something to drink, Doug?

You want something to drink?

Have you any Smirnoff Ice?

I have Smirnoff Ice.

Come on over.

Aren't you hot in that
heavy mauve jumpsuit, Doug?

- Yeah.
- Why don't you take it off and cool down for a bit?

You certainly are good
with a weed-whacker, aren't you, Doug?

Or are you just good with
all your weed-whacking tools?




Hi Mike, you want to join us?

Don't be scared.

There's Kenny.

this is our mission--

number one,
come to planet earth;

number two,
alienate all human life.

There is no number three,
develop a drinking problem;

number four, fall in love
with a divorced hussy.

She was bewitching me, My-ik.

Bye, Doug!

- Don't make me kill you, Du-ug.
- Thank you, My-ik.

Hey, guys, how'd it go?

- We are rich.
- All right.

Hey, I got good news--
turns out population of the world

is only 5.8 billion.

It's like, 65,000 a second.

65,000 times the pleasure.

So I was thinking
while you guys were gone,

that maybe we want
to maintain your cover.

- Which is a great advantage!
- Right, right.

Because it would be really bad
to start beheading people,

until you really
got started, you know?

You don't want to behead
one person and go to jail.

Thank you.

But you do need
practice, right?

So I was thinking...

Okay, here we are.

What is this
monstrous creature?

A cow.

You can practice on him,

then we'll take it
and make steaks.

And take his eggs also.

No, that's chickens, Doug.


Greetings, cow.

I am My-ik,
this is Du-ug.

We are evil alien conquerors

from the planet Kabijj.

Prepare to sacrifice
your life, cow,

so that we may
practice beheading.

- Please, cow!
- We are superior beings, cow.

Please, cow!

-Please, cow!

- We implore you, cow!

- Stop, cow!
- We beg of you, cow!

Cow, I command you!

- Cow, we beg of you.
- Cow!

- Cow, cow!
- Stop, cow!

Now you will die in agony!

- You are an evil cow!
- Cow, cow, cow, cow, cow.

- Cow?
- Stop, cow!

- You are a demon.
- Stop running so fast, cow.


Hey, cow!
Now, cow! Hey!

Please, cow.

I definitely have enough gas.

You want some pretzels?

Now we will see who possesses

the greater intelligence,
eh, cow?

You will sizzle in our
frying pan tonight, demon.

- No, please, cow!
- No, cow!

- We're sorry, cow.
- No, cow, no!

They sure don't seem like
superior beings.

I thought I had
more gas than that.

- Are you sure you guys are all right?
- We are fine.

Okay, 'cause that would have
hurt most humans,

but I guess 'cause you guys
are so superior--

- we are superior beings.
- Right.

- We will dominate your planet.
- Oh, totally.

But you know, maybe it wouldn't
be a bad idea

to come up with like,
a different plan.

That cow will pay!

Oh, he will. He will.
But I was thinking, like,

you probably won't be able
to behead 5.8 billion people.

I'd actually be surprised
if you got 5.8 of them, to be honest.

But fellas,
there's gotta be another way.

Perhaps we could Bury
all the humans alive

and then weed-whack
their heads off!

There you go.
Although, actually,

that would be
kinda tricky too.

I have it!
We'll build a huge magnet

and magnetically
pull off all human heads.

Brilliant, My-ik!

It is brilliant
except for one thing--

human heads aren't metal.

So, like, magnets
can't really pull them off.

Nice pajamas,

We will behead you!

What is this appalling music, Kenny?

Oh, Supertramp, Doug.
They used to be really big.

What is this song called?

- "The Logical Song."
- It is horrid, yet oddly enjoyable.

Yeah, most humans
used to really dig them.

Soon they will be digging only graves
for their own heads!

Explain to me again

why the whole magnet thing
won't work, Kenny.

You see, Mike,
magnets attract metal.

- Yes.
- And human heads aren't metal.

- They could be made metal.
- Inspiration, Du-ug.

That would take a lot of work, guys.

Well, actually,
there are dudes

who have metal plates
in their heads.

- Aha!
- And you could, like,

magnetically pull
their heads off, maybe.

- Victory, My-ik!
- But they're all old, pretty much.

You might end up just
pulling the metal plate out

and not the entire head.

Plus, now that
I think about it,

it wouldn't necessarily be
that easy to fly giant magnets

over the entire earth.

- It would be easy for us.
- Another terrible song!

By Rabirr's wax-filled ears,
if we do not figure this out quickly,

Croker will come
and destroy us, Kenny.

Now, Croker--
is he like really bad?

Bad? Bad?

Croker will make you
wish you had never lived.

Well, I wish that
sometimes, anyway.

Then he will make you
wish you had lived,

which you have,
no thanks to him.

Perhaps we could get that cow
to butt us back into town.

So I'll meet you guys
back here at midnight.

You can get your stuff
cleaned in there.

There's a mini-mart across the street
if you get hungry.

- Do they have Smirnoff Ice?
- Oh, definitely.

My-ik, I gotta go.

Are you still upset about
that whole magnet head thing?


What is it, Du-ug?

By Rabirr's soiled
big boy pants, My-ik.

I have found love.

But our mission, Du-ug, our--

Great raging bel-krons!

- How does my make-up look?
- Insufficient but tasteful. Mine?

- Insufficient but tasteful.
- May we help you, gentlemen?

My-ik, we cannot tell
these goddesses what we really are.

We cannot tell them
that our job is to behead them.

I am Mike.

And I am Doug.

We come from the land--
Cabbage land.

We are here in Palmdale
on a mission.

And now, funnily enough,

our jumpsuits have gotten dirty.

Well, Mike and Doug,

I'm Penny and this
is my sister Jan.

- Hi.
- If you'd like to leave those jumpsuits,

I'm sure we could
clean them up for you.

Yes, we would like
to leave them,

but the only problem
is, you see--

we are nudies
underneath it.

And we are not permitted
to be nudies.

Du-ug, I feel so sexy.

I feel impossibly sexy.


- They should be ready in about an hour.
- An hour? Right.

Well, yes.

You have such stunningly hairy feet!

Excuse me?!

What my friend is trying to say
is that in Kabijj--

that is Cabbage land--
stunningly hairy feet and unibrows--

- we adore unibrows.
- Are signs of great femininity.


You can sit and wait
over there if you'd like.

Goddesses, Rabirr himself
would pluck your feet.

- My-ik!
- Unibrows!

- My-ik!
- Unibrows!

- Our mission, My-ik.
- To hell with our mission.

Dare you face
the wrath of Croker?

You're right, Du-ug.
Forgive me.

Do not put me in the position
of having to kill you, My-ik.

I understand, Du-ug.
Don't make me kill you either.

Well, don't make me kill you.

- Don't make me kill you.
- Don't make me kill you.

- Don't make me kill you.
- Don't make me kill you.

- Don't make me kill you.
- Don't make me kill you.

Don't make me kill you.

- Don't make me kill you!
- Okay.

We cannot romance
these beauties, My-ik.

No, we cannot.
We must complete our mission.

Yes, My-ik.
We must break things off with them,

regardless of their
stunningly hairy feet.

- We will end this.
- So we are decided, then?

Yes, we are decided.

Penny, Jan,

we have something
important to tell you.

We feel that it is
important that we...

Invite you out for the evening!
Smirnoff Ice?

So how long have you lived
in Palmdale, Penny?

About 10 years, Doug.

And you...
Like it here?

Oh yes,
very much.

So then, I don't suppose
you'd be in favor

of evil alien conquerors

coming and destroying
all human life?

- No, I wouldn't. Why do you ask?
- No reason.

Do you like the Supertramp, Jan?

I like Gloria Estefan
and Miami Sound Machine.

- Do you like them?
- No.

The Supertramp is horrible
and yet I enjoy them.

Do you like Sun Chips?

I like pita bread sandwiches
with turmeric rice on the side.

I also enjoy flan and mud pies.

- Do you like mud pies?
- No.

- Do you like to dance?
- No.

The Supertramp--

Do you know the cow, Jan?

He's an insolent bastard.

- I feel I know you, Penny.
- Yes, Doug.

May I--

may I fondle your feet?


Oh, Penny!

May I...
Pluck one?


- May I floss with it?
- Yes.

- May I create humor with it?
- Yes.

I'm a unicorn!
I'm a unicorn!

I'm a unicorn!
I'm a unicorn!

You're funny, Doug.

Oh, Penny,

little did I think
I would meet someone

I felt so right with
here in palmdale.

If only my mission--

forget your mission, Doug.

I cannot.
I cannot.

- May I stroke it?
- Yes.

- May I gently tug upon it?
- Yes.

May I generate
an electric shock with it?


May I create a song about it?

Yes, of course.

Unibrow, unibrow...

lovely, lovely unibrow!

Unibrow, unibrow...

splendidly hairy feet.

Oh, Mike,

that was wonderful.

Well, thank you, I--

I'm so conflicted!

Why is that?

I can't tell you.

We must go.
Kenny will be waiting for us.

- Will we see you again?
- We'll come back to your store tomorrow.

Good night, goddesses.

Look at my moustache.

- That was very funny, Du-ug.
- Thank you, My-ik.

Do they know who we are?


Will we have to kill them?



So you're gonna
behead everyone else,

and then take Penny and Jan
back to Kabijj with you, is that it?

- This is our plan.
- Mm-hmm.

And I guess you're still
gonna behead me though, right?

There's only so many exceptions
we can make, Kenny.

- Fine, whatever.
- You will die painlessly, Kenny.

Oh great.
Gee, thanks a lot.

Croker will make us into a
spectacular agony if we do not.

I understand.
I understand. You got a mission,

and the only thing
that trumps that is love,

therefore, my head ends up
on a spike.

- A tall prominent spike.
- Oh fine. Who's gonna see it?

Emperor Rabirr!

Oh, emperor-- I don't even know
who emperor Rabirr is.

What do I care?
He sounds like a big fag to me, anyway.


Oh, calm down.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah, baby, yeah!

Yeah, yeah!

Lock and load, baby.
Lock and load!

Get ready for Ron, baby.

Go Ron, go!
Go Ron, go!

Go Ron, go-oo!


Well, well, well.

If it isn't
the evil alien virgins.

You will die in agony, Ron.

Yeah, the only thing you guys
are gonna conquer are your slim Jims.

That is an outrageous lie!

Listen, losers, I'm all about
making love to women, okay?

- We know that, Ron.
- Shut up, Ken-ass.

The last thing I need
the next time I get a threesome going--

which I will, soon--

is you losers screwing it up for me.

So just stay out of my way

and don't touch my Sun Chips
or Crystal Geysers!

Sun Chips and Crystal Geysers
inbound, baby.

Ronny's back!

Maybe we could
just hide from Croker.

We cannot hide from Croker, Du-ug.
You know that.

Why not?

We could put on disguises.

We could disguise
ourselves as large birds

and sit in a tree,

squawking until he left.


We could pretend to be chairs!

Upholster ourselves,

so that Croker might sit in us

and never even
realize he is sitting in us.

And then he might
think to himself,

"by Croker"-- or "by me,"
him being Croker--

"I cannot find them!
I will stop for some Smirnoff Ice,

that being the best
beverage here on earth,

and then return home!"


We could live out our lives here,
with Penny and Jan.

- I have had an epiphany, Du-ug.
- What is it, My-ik?

We cannot take this planet by force,
just the two of us.

We couldn't even catch that cow.

That cow will pay dearly
for his insolence.

Never mind him now.
We have bigger fodits to fester.

What we cannot do physically,
we can do mentally.

We will control
the human's puny minds,

and command them
to behead themselves.

Oh, brilliant, My-ik!

Perhaps our swords shrank on
the way here, but our brains did not.

Oh, oh, oh, the tide is turning,
isn't it, My-ik?

Oh yes.
By this time tomorrow night,

we will be well on our way

to dominating
this hideous planet.

- Kenny! Kenny!
- Kenny! Kenny!

- What?
- We have a new plan.

Oh, cool.
Do I still get beheaded?

- Yes, it is necessary.
- Whatever.

We will soar above the earth like
avenging angels, Kenny,

commanding the earthlings.

- Off with your heads!
- You're spittin' food.


Cereal with Smirnoff Ice
is an appalling,

yet strangely
compelling combination.

You know it sounds
really good, My-ik,

but I have one question--

how are you gonna fly
all over the earth?

Not a problem.

- Okay, you always say that--
- not a problem.

- Okay, whatever.
- Not a problem. No.

- Not a problem. No!
- No, I said--

- fine.
- No.


Not a problem.

well, yeah.

I was wondering how much
it would cost to rent one of your jets

to circle the globe at low altitude,

going really slow?


I don't know, like,
10 feet up.

Yeah, today, right.

Can you hold on a sec.


They say they won't
pay you anything.

In fact, they command you
to give them--

you know what?
Hold on.

This is My-ik,
evil alien conqueror--

evil alien conqueror
from the planet Kabijj.

I order you to place your pathetic aircraft
at our immediate disposal.


You will die in agony!

You will die begging for mercy!

And we will gladly provide it!

This is just a taste of what
you may expect.

Okay, okay,
don't break my phone.

All right, guys,

I've had this one idea
in my back pocket,

and I don't know
if it will work,

but I'm gonna try it.

I was saving this
for the 4th of July,

but this is more
important, right?

- You will die painlessly, Kenny.
- Cool.

Okay, I'm gonna light this,

and then, I don't know,
I think you should go up.

Good luck!


You rule!

- Triumph! Triumph!
- That was the best!

- Ho, ho, ho!
- Yeah, that was awesome!

- Triumph! Triumph!
- Did I circle the globe?

Not quite.
I got a better idea!

Aha! Triumph!

Okay, this definitely
oughta to work.

We will dominate you!

Bow down before us, humans!

I thought that stuff
would've wore off by now.


- Wow, you guys are light!
- We are 82% gas.

- Oh, cool.
- We will rule!

- Bow down, humans!
- Yeah!

Yeah, yeah!

We will dominate you!

Watch out for the power lines.

Bow down--

Oh no.

That was incredible.
You guys, okay?

- We are superior beings.
- Of course you are.

Well, I'll go
get some lunch.

You guys are the evil alien
conquerors, right?

That is correct.

What, are you supposed
to be tough or something?

- We are superior beings.
- Oh, yeah?

Come on, superior being.
Come on!

Your death will be
a litany of despair!

Your death will be
a litany of despair!

What's the matter, evil alien conqueror,
are you gonna cry?

- Stop it!
- He's gonna cry.

- Stop it, stop it!
- Evil alien conquerors are pussies.

- Evil alien pussies!
- Evil alien pussies!

- Evil alien pussies!
- Now I will destroy you!

All right.

So three large cokes,
three large fries.

Nuggets, yeah!

How I long for the noxious
rotting fruits

of the pustulum shrub,
eh, My-ik?

These fries aren't bad
though, Du-ug.

So you guys are really
gonna build your own flying machine?

A doomsday machine!

Named because it will
spell doom

for every human head.

- Precisely, Du-ug.
- Thus making it their doomsday.

- Exactly.
- The day of their doom.

Shut up, Du-ug.
Now we will begin.

Impressive, guys.

Like the scum-hag of anal anus,

our doomsday machine
will bring utter devastation.

But My-ik, how will we
ensure that the humans

stand up for their beheadings?


- But how will the humans hear our commands?
- Thusly.

- Bow down, lowly earthlings.
- Bring us your heads.

But My-ik, will not some
vengeful human

try to shoot
our doomsday machine down?

Not if we give them
what they like-- nudies!


Now how did you guys
get those bikes?

- This is irrelevant.
- You didn't get them off those two kids?

Farewell, Kenny.

When the history of our great
and glorious mission is recorded,

yours will be a tiny
but meaningful footnote.

- Footnote.
- Thanks, guys, but i--

I think you should
get going because--

Enthuse for Rabirr!

That is my boombox,
just so you know.

- You will lose your head!
- Bow down, lowly humans!

Hey, the evil alien pussies
are stealing our bikes!

Your heads are now ours!

- Now heads!
- We want your heads!

You will be headless!
Your heads will be ours!

Look at the evil alien pussies!


That is so uncool.

Another debacle.

One after
the other, Du-ug.

It is true

that utter indignity
has been our fate

thus far on this planet, My-ik,

but by the dried pieces of barf

flecked through Rabirr's beard,

I still believe we will triumph!

No, Du-ug,
we will fail...

As we have been failing.

Let us face the facts, shall we?

We have no powers whatsoever.

In fact, it is now my perception

we are far weaker than the humans.

There's 5.8 billion of them,
there's two of us,

and we have less than one day left.

Croker will be picking
our bones from his teeth,

you can rest assured of that.

He'll be using
our guts as party favors.

Our heads will be
returned to Kabijj,

and the emperor himself
will pass gas at them!

Two more evil alien
conquerors will come,

will succeed,
and will win Penny and Jan!

We're failures!

Complete and pathetic failures, Du-ug.

My father was right, after all.

He said "My-ik," he said,

"You will be a failure,

a complete and pathetic failure."

I said "No father,
no, I will not."

He said, "Yes, yes,

you will fail as I have,
in all things!"

"No father,
no, I won't."

He said "Yes, by Rabirr's
stinking butt crack, yes!"

"No father, no!
I'm not listening.

No, I won't listen
to you anymore.

No, no, no!

- My-ik. My-ik!
- La-la-la-la-la...


- My-ik!
- La-la-la-la-la-la--

You are a Kabijjian warrior, My-ik.

You are an evil alien conqueror!

You are causing your make-up to run.

We need your brilliance, My-ik.

You are the brains here, my friend.

We have only a short time left.

Forgive me, Du-ug.

Am I shiny?

Just a little.


I'll see you here at 12:00, okay?

- Okay?
- Okay.

Hey, maybe Croker won't even come.
Maybe he'll forget.

You don't know Croker.

Poor evil alien conquerors.

Are you ready giant Croker?

I am!

If they have failed,

destroy them
with your giant sword.

If they have succeeded,
destroy them anyway!


Send him!



One thing I wonder about,
great Rabirr.

Why didn't you send
Croker in the first place?

Shut up!

Play the Supertramp!

Play the Supertramp!



This is how we dance
in Cabbage land, goddesses.

Jan, the red onion
truly is

a world of fun.

I'm glad you like it, Mike.
Try the flan.

No, I hate to leave here,

but one way or another,
we must surely leave here soon.

How is your--
your mission going?

To be frank, Jan,
I had no idea

how utterly inept Du-ug and I were
when we came here.

Maybe it's not you that's inept,
maybe it's the mission.

Oh, Jan, that doesn't make
any sense.

Penny, Jan,

My-ik and I have not been entirely
truthful with you.

- What do you mean?
- The truth is...

- We are not human.
- We are evil alien conquerors,

sent by the emperor Rabirr
to dominate this planet

and annihilate all human life.

By midnight tonight, we'll either
be successful in our mission

and be returned
to our planet in glory,

or be hunted down
like wild Bel-krons

and destroyed by the great
and merciless Croker.

Who is 100 feet tall.

The reason we didn't
tell you all this at first,

was because we thought
you might not like us

if you knew that our job was
to behead you.

You were planning on beheading us?

Thatwas our mission,

but then we decided to annihilate
all other human life,

and bring you back to Kabijj with us.

Knowing that if Croker commanded it,

we would have no choice but to
cravenly comply and behead you as well.

In which case, we would freeze dry
your heads

and keep them in airtight bags
near our beds.

- Oh Doug, I thought we had something together.
- We do, Penny.

I thought I'd opened your eyes
to things, Mike.

Gloria Estefan, pita bread sandwiches
with turmeric rice.

You have, Jan.

We love you, goddesses.

If you love us, then you will not
behead all of mankind!

- But it's our mission!
- We are evil alien conquerors.

Well then,
it is your mission or us.

- But--
- Uh...

Goodbye, Mike.

Goodbye, Doug.

- Oh...
- Penny! Penny!

Can I finish your Smirnoff Ice?

- May I finish your Smirnoff Ice, My-ik?
- No.

Hey, hey, hey!

Those are our drinks, asshole.


Forget it.

Great raging Bel-krons!

He's going to have a threesome
with our goddesses!

He will not touch a hair
on their feet!

Calmly, My-ik, calmly.

You will die in agony, Ron!

Well, if it isn't
the evil alien limpdicks.

Oh, tell us something
we don't know.

- Doug!
- You cannot go with this person, Penny.

He only wants you
for his debauchery.

All right,
get out of here, losers!

Never, Mr. Threesome!

Look, you wanna mess with me?

I bench 220, okay?

So don't mess with the big dog.

Now you will pay, Ron.

Well, so much for these guys.

Shall we retire to my crib, ladies?

Oh man!

I'm gonna pay you two losers
back for this.

Swear to god.

What the hell?!

- Du-ug?
- Yes, My-ik?

We cannot allow Croker
to harm our goddesses.

- We must stop him.
- And our mission, My-ik?

Now we have
a new mission, my friend.

I am not fooled!

Where is my sword?!

I need no sword,
I am Croker!

I am enormous!

Hey, whoa, whoa whoa!
You two are not allowed in here.

- Out of the way, Breen!
- Get out.

That screeching thing
actually works.

Yes, if only we'd
discovered it sooner.

Oh, hey guys.

What are you doing here?

- We need your vehicle, Kenny.
- What for?

We must go to the desert
and intercept Croker.

We decided to sacrifice ourselves
before he destroys the rest of the planet.


Wow. I thought you guys
were going to dominate?

No. Love changed everything, Kenny.

Please, your keys.

- You guys have any idea how to drive a car?
- No.

I'm gonna have to say no
to this one, fellas.

Farewell, Kenny.

- Die painlessly, guys.
- You too.

- I could give you some glowsticks.

- Glowsticks.
- Hey!

My god, that's annoying.

What can I get you?

It would take a thousand
of your tiny meals

to slake my gigantic appetite!

You might like one of
our special value meals.


Your tiny voice barely
reaches my huge ears.

We got the Hickory burger
on special, $4.29.

I tell you,

your puny foodstuffs could not begin
to fill my enormous belly.

We got another one,
Mr. Breen.

Can I help you?

I am Croker the merciless!

I came to destroy your planet,

and squash it
beneath my mighty foot!

But first, where are My-ik
and Du-ug?!

You don't have to yell,
okay, buddy?

I can hear you just fine.

I will crush you like a bug!

All right, that's it!
You're outta here!

I am Croker!

I don't care who you are,
get the hell out of here.

What is that?

This is my mighty giant ray gun.

Give me a break.


You should probably talk to Kenny
about those other guys.

- I am Croker!
- You can't be Croker.

Croker is like a 100 feet tall, dude.

I am 100 feet tall!

- You are?
- Behold my immensity!

Now where are My-ik and Du-ug?

Oh, um...

They're probably at my house
gettin' their stuff.

Where is this "house"?

Oh, 423 Belinda Court.

423 Belinda?!

It's like half a mile from here.

You just keep walking down
the road, you can't miss it.

That will be but one giant stride
for the mighty Croker!

I will consume
all of the food in here!

That's gonna be hot.

I do not even feel the pain!

Dude, are you okay?


Penny! Jan!

Mike, Doug!

Oh great Croker, destroyer of all,
forgiver of none,

while we have failed
to take the planet,

we have compiled a list
of the worst enemies to our cause.

Hmm, Mr. Breen.

- The cow.
- Ron.

The kid who beat me up.

Hey, Croker!

By Rabirr's unkempt muff,

there are things that I will miss
about this hideous planet, My-ik.

The Supertramp...

Smirnoff Ice...



You know, I really hate Kabijj.

Me too.

Great raging Bel-krons, My-ik!

What is it, Du-ug?

By Rabirr's saggy man-breasts,

Croker's sword shrank, My-ik.

Yet why would he leave it?

Perhaps because
he does not need it, Du-ug.

Do you mean the transporter
made him grow even more?

He's thundering
across the landscape even now,

searching for us,
leveling all in his path.

A path that will lead
inevitably to...

Kenny's house!


Where are you guys?

Whoa, cool sword.

423 Belinda!

Get out of the road, you asshole!

- Yeah?
- I am Croker!

- What?
- I will destroy you!

Get outta here, man.

- Beware my mighty ray gun!
- Yeah, I'll do that.

Now you burned a hole
in my door, asshole,

and I gotta hang a new one.

Jesus, all right.
What do you want, man?

I am not a man,
I am Croker,

and I am here
to destroy My-ik and Du-ug.

Mike and Doug? You're here
to get rid of Mike and Doug?

Hell, man, I'll help you
with that.

I owe those guys, come on in.

I will fight you, Croker.

I have Excalibur!

This is going too slowly, Du-ug.

We must go more quickly.

I have an idea, My-ik.


- Huh? Huh?!
- Listen, the ray gun is good and all,

but seriously, Croker,

you're not gonna be able to dominate
the whole world with just that.

It's just not gonna happen.

If you wanna take over
the whole world,

you need to find a way
to reach people-- a lot of people.

Greetings, humans!
I am Croker.

- Little too loud.
- I am here to present you

with the opportunity of a lifetime!
A lifetime!

If I am loud, it is because
I am so excited

about this opportunity.

Good, good!

All right, enough talk!
Let's get to the point!

Have you ever wished
for a giant destroyer

to come from the planet Kabijj
and annihilate all human life?!

Well, friends,
now is your chance!

For only $29.95,
I, Croker the merciless,

will smash you
beneath my mighty foot.

I am 100 feet tall!

I can crush you between
my enormous fingers!

Stick to the script, Croker.

Act now and you shall receive this
remarkable exercise device,

the Belly Twister
and Croker domination!

Great, and then we go to...

Although I am 100 feet tall,

my belly was soft.

But then I discovered
Belly Twister.

And now, my belly is like steel!

It's so easy to use!

Where I come from,

we turn into a gelatinous,
foamy ooze upon death,

but now,
thanks to Belly Twister,

that ooze will be rock hard!

Belly Twister!

Belly Twister!

Belly Twister!

Belly Twister!

Belly Twister!

"But Croker, how do we know
you are what you say?!

How do we know
you aren't just an actor?!"

I am no actor.
I am Croker!

Remember $29.95 for Belly Twister
and Croker domination!

Who could say no
to such an offer, Croker?!

Only an asshole, Croker!

How do you know they will come?!

Because I have their stuff.

How is my performance thus far?

It was good.
It was really good.

Do you have acting training?


I see no damage yet, My-ik.

Perhaps he flew here, Du-ug.

- Croker can fly?
- Dare you believe him incapable of it?

A flying Croker!

We will get to our weapons
and we will fight him the best we can.

Tell me again why we didn't take
Croker's sword?

Because that belongs to Croker.

Hey, Mike.
Hey, Doug.

We're here for our weapons, Ron.

If we had more time, we would
fight you to the death

over the honor of Penny and Jan.

But as we must fight the great flying Croker
before he destroys earth,

we will get our weapons and go.

So Croker's here, huh?

Oh, he's here.

A horrid,
awesome behemoth!

A great and monumental

that will strike terror
into your very soul.

So guys, this Croker--

- does he wear a purple jumpsuit?
- Yes.

- Thinning hair?
- Yes.

- Big booming voice?
- Yes.

- Bit overweight?
- Yes.

- Bad teeth?
- Great raging Bel-krons! You've seen him?

I have, in fact--
Hey, Croker!


Bow down before Croker,
the merciless!

Now I will crush you
beneath my mighty foot,

for you have failed!

Do not be fooled
for I am truly giant!

As evil alien conquerors,

Du-ug and I thought we would
come to earth and dominate it.

Now we have failed utterly
and must face the wrath of Croker.

- I am Croker!
- You don't need to say that.

- I am 100 feet tall.
- Keep going.

If only we had strengthened our
bellies, eh, Du-ug?

But with what, My-ik?

Belly twister might have
saved you from my wrath,

had you ordered it in time!

How much would it
have cost us, Croker?

Only $29.95 plus shipping
and handling!

A small price to pay to have
saved our lives, eh, My-ik?

Do not lose your head
about it, Du-ug.

I will lose my head, Du-ug.

Yes, you will!

Now, My-ik and Du-ug,

prepare to face
the wrath of Croker!

I'm saving my mighty sword
for you, humans!

But only if you act now!

But for these two,
this will do!

It has no gas, Croker.

I need no gas,
I am giant!

You can use my machete
if you like, Croker.

You shall start!

Just use the damn machete,
Croker. Come here.


When you behead these guys,
is it gonna be, like, messy?

It will be more like
slicing vegetables.

We're more like plants
than animals.

Now, I'm overheated!

- Crystal Geysers, dude.
- Yeah!

- Du-ug?
- What is it, My-ik?


By Rabirr's spastic colon,
you're brilliant, My-ik.

- No, I'm not brilliant.
- Yes.

- No.
- Yes, you are!

- No.
- Yes, you are brilliant.

- No!
- Yes!

- No.
- Yes, I'm telling you!

- No.
- Yes, My-ik!

No! All right, I'm brilliant.
You happy now?

So you don't think
I look fat?

No, not at all.

Now Croker, we will destroy you.

It was still a good idea, My-ik.

Thank you, Du-ug.

I have heard, My-ik,
that after beheading,

one's head lives for approximately
three to five seconds.

Are you thinking what
I am thinking, Du-ug?

Perhaps our heads will have time
to say goodbye to each other.

Or at least a wink
and a smiley face.

Well, goodbye, evil
alien conqueror Du-ug.

Goodbye, evil
alien conqueror My-ik.

He has had 50,000 til-krons!

Bring him back, now!

So you think I have charisma?!


Okay, Croke-man,
let's cut some vegetables.

I will get them both
with one swing, Ronster.

And remember humans,
for just $29.95,

this can be your fate.

Hold it, Croker!

- Penny!
- Jan!

- Here for the threesome, ladies?
- Not even close.

- You two?!
- That's right it's us, Pen-ny and Ja-an,

the first evil
alien conquerors to come.

But you two burned up
in the transporter!

No Croker, we made it.

We just didn't want
to fulfill Rabirr's evil plan.

- We love earth.
- And we love My-ik and Du-ug.

We made it and our swords
made it as well.

- Oh, man!
- I will destroy you.

Croker, be strong.

You are invincible!

What is this feeling?

Could it be fear?

Why does my mighty hand
tremble so?

Fight on, Croker,

for truly it is your spirit
that is giant!

Croker laser eyes!

Croker mesmerizing pull!

Croker fire-breath!

Croker body odor!

Croker high note!

Oh, this is pathetic.
Come on fat boy.

Croker power punch!

Croker tornado!


You will feel the wrath
of the giant Croker.

You're not a giant.

- Hey, Croker!
- Yes?!

- Pen-ny!
- Ja-an!

- Triumph!
- Triumph!

Hey kids, look what uncle Ronnie found.
Let's play.

- Ja-an!
- Pen-ny!

Where is he?!

Place me on a large spike.


Hey, what's going on?

I'm Kenny!

Enthuse for Kenny!

- Cool.
- Enthuse for Kenny!

Enthuse for Kenny!

Enthuse for Kenny!

Enthuse for Kenny!

How can you have a gluteus Maximus
as well-formed as Croker's?


Mr. Glute-Twister
will do it for you!

For only $24.95,

you can have a booty factor
that will dominate the planet.

Who could say no
to such an offer, Croker?

Only an asshole, Croker!

He's just all over
cable-access these days.

Ever since emperor Kenny opened trade,
it's just been crazy.

- Wanna get lunch?
- Yeah.

And here's one of evil alien
burger meal.

- Enthuse for Kenny!
- Enthuse for Kenny.

Oh. All right,
asshole kids, take over.

Yes, sir, Mr. Mike.

- How is your food, ladies?
- It's really very good.

The Jack cheese and slime nuggets
go very well together.

- Mm-hmm.
- We may not have taken over the world,

but we did take over
the world of fast food

in this mini-mall, didn't we?

Perhaps you've been wondering
why My-ik and I

have been acting a
bit unusual, lately?

The compulsive wig-wearing,
the shampoo drinking,

the crying jags followed by
the periods of intense legal study.

Well, there is
a reason for all of it.

My-ik, Du-ug,
do you mean...?

It seems your feet are
firing no blanks, ladies.

In approximately 72 hours,

My-ik and I will welcome our first
litters of baby evil alien conquerors!


You will die begging
for mercy!

And we will gladly
provide it.