Everything's Rosie (1931) - full transcript

Believe me, my friends,
after one bottle of this tonic...

all illness, pains and aches disappear.

It fills the muscles, tones
the system, stimulates the appetite.

Remember that my
friends, stimulates the appetite.

Over next to the
other doctor, he's much funnier.

Oh sure, come on.

Here you are brother, just a
dollar for a bottle of eternal health.

- Let's see your license.
- Why certainly sheriff.

I'm a strict observer of the law.

Ok.

But I want to tell you something sheriff.
Here I am trying to make an honest living.



And you let a guy that ain't
even connected with the carnival...

peddle a lot of phoney
baloney that he calls medicine.

- What do you mean?
- I mean that ant-eater over there.

Why, he don't even buy a license. Just
follows us around, grabbing all the gravy.

Selling something he calls a health
giver that should be used for rat poison.

Is that so?

Well, I'll saunter over there
and have a look at him.

Maybe we can do something about it.

It's Draco folks, Draco,
don't forget the name.

Don't forget the name,
gather in a little closer folks.

Gather in a little closer,
don't block the sidewalks.

What a trained announcer you'd make.

And so folks, Draco the wonder tonic...

has saved many people from a
feeble old age and an early marriage.



Why, I have been taking it for years
folks and I grow younger every day.

As a matter of
fact, if I take it much longer...

I wouldn't be surprised to see
my name in the birth notices.

Lady, you can stay,
but the jackass is got to go.

Now dear friends,
I want to advice you that this is...

the greatest remedy in the world
for sore throats and for hoarseness.

Folks, it has no equal for hoarseness.
Folks, if you have a, folks..

If you have a..

It cures hoarseness folks, just
like that, it cures it, it cures it.

It also restores personality
and cures nervousness.

Why folks, my own wife was so nervous
that she would scream if I tried to kiss her.

But after two bottles of
Draco, anybody can kiss her.

Why, two years ago folks, it
was an effort for me to stagger two feet.

Now thanks to Draco,
you'd be surprised how I can walk.

- Let's see you take a walk, a long one.
- Main floor, all out please.

Do I understand sir, that you are addressing
me, one of the Dockweller Droops of Virginy.

To say nothing of Europe and all points east.

I'll give you ten minutes to get out of town.

You will give me ten
minutes to get out of town?

Why sir, I've sold my medicine in
some of the finest burgs in this world...

and never has a sheriff given me
less than 20 minutes to get out of town.

So there's been other sheriffs
in your life, I smell a rat, I smell a rat.

Sheriff,
don't get personal, don't get personal.

I never know he had...

Shut up, will you shut up?

You've learned everything else but squalling.
I'd like to take that head of, you underst...

Hey, hey, hey.
Lay off that Simon Legree stuff.

- Who are you?
- Ah, you'd be surprised.

Why, you ought to be ashamed of yourself
abusing your little daughter like that.

She ain't my kid, I didn't ask
nobody to leave her in my front yard.

You don't mean to tell me
that you got a front yard?

- What's your name my good woman?
- My name Rosie.

Rosie.

Gosh, what a pretty name, Rosie.

I called her Rosie because
I found her under a rose bush.

You ought to be tickled to death you
weren't found under a eucalyptus.

- Who did she belong to?
- Oh, I don't know.

I found her one morning about
a year ago, naked and squalling.

And she is been squalling ever since.

I tried to give her to somebody
about a dozen times but no such luck.

- Suppose you'd take her.
- Me? Oh no thanks, no, thanks.

Here, here is 10 dollars.

Suppose you feed her up, clean her
up, dress her up but don't beat her up.

If I hear of you abusing
her again I'll have the law on you.

- Cry, this is only a dollar.
- Well, surely my credit is good for $9.

Don't follow me, I'm not your mama.

Oh look here my good woman, you
can't get away with a thing like that on me.

I know your type, you gold digger.

So that's your little game, is it, eh?

You think you'll sue me for
breach of promise and make me pay?

But you got no letters,
and I defy you. Here, take this.

And this and remember,
you got nothing on me whatsoever.

And if you continue to
follow me, I'll box your little ears.

Ah, look it here Rosie old woman,
you can't get away with anything on me.

Tell me, did you clean
your teeth this morning?

Back ones too?

- Good.
- Did you clean yours?

Why, the very idea.
Certainly I cleaned my teeth.

- Let me see.
- You mind your own business, will you?

Let me look at those ears.

Ok?

They ought to be, I've been
working on them for about 14 years.

- Tell me doc, is your headache all gone?
- Yeap, all gone.

You're a great little nurse, Rosie.

By the way, what was that medicine
you gave me last night anyway?

I don't know, I found it at the bottom of
that old trunk you've been carrying around.

- Called Draco.
- Draco?

You gave me Draco?
What are you trying to do? Poison me?

Oh and another thing.

I found this at the
bottom of that old trunk too.

- Where did it come from?
- Don't you remember?

Gosh, that's funny.

You know Rosie...

you were holding this close to your
little heart the night that I found you.

And you've been holding me close
to yours ever since, haven't you doc?

Put that right back where you found it.
Put right back where you found it.

And it's time for you to
practice, get that violin out.

- I don't want to practice.
- Get that violin out and start to work.

Fiddle, fiddle while aroma burn.

Now, that's what I call music.

You know Rosie, if you keep that up I'll have
you on the concert stage in about 108 years.

Doc, why did you make
me learn to play the violin?

Because I couldn't swipe a piano.

Morning Evelyn. Morning. Did you sleep Ok?

That's fine, that's fine.

You know, I got to look out for you.

Lately, you've only been
getting about 12 miles on a gallon of oats.

Remember that my
friends, stimulates the appetite.

- What's the matter? Business bad?
- I, I guess it's no use.

Guess I've lost my punch.

Oh, I can't even get them to wait
and listen to me any longer.

Wait till little Doc Droop
gets set up down there.

- He'll show you how it's done.
- You know that guy is a mystery to me.

Still hanging on.

Why, he's been with 15
different carnivals for 15 different years.

Never pays for a license but always
gets the money but never has a cent.

Spends it all on that kid, I guess.

You know, that's the one
decent thing about that drifter.

He's been father, mother and
everything else for that kid.

Yeah, he ain't a bad guy.

Doc, tell me more about
your folks, it's so interesting.

Well, as you know my
uncle, he's the king of Spain.

Yesterday you told me
he was the king of Siam.

That's another uncle, big tall doctor.

Doc, why don't you go to Europe
and be a prince or something?

I don't know. You know how
it is when families break up.

- I said to my brother Benedict III.
- I'll bet your brother's a fine fellow.

Oh, he's a prince honey, he's a prince.

I said look here Ben...

it's no use the both of
us hanging around the palace.

One of us has got to go out and get a job.

So we went over and
talked a little word with my cousin.

- He's a count.
- Count what?

I was afraid you were going to ask me that.
My cousin, he suggested that we flip a coin.

But neither one of us had a coin
so we decided to throw a rock.

The one who threw the
rock the farthest would win.

And?

Well, my brother wasn't very strong.
He only threw his rock about 4 miles.

And what happened to you?

Well, I don't like to brag but they found
the rock over in Australia about...

three weeks later with my
fingerprints on it, so I guess I won.

Did you have a castle to stay?

A castle? Oh baby,
what a castle we had in Spain.

What was the name of it?

Let's see, what was the name of that castle?

It was a Spanish name, I know that.

Oh yes Saint Quentin,
that was the name of it. Saint Quentin.

Doc, if you were to go back and be a king...

what would that make me?

Listen honey, regardless of what I am
you're a queen, my little queen...

here, there or anywhere.

How the town look for a little medicine?

Clerk at the hotel told me that there
were three medicine men in jail already.

Maybe they need a fourth for bridge.

How about cheaters?

Have to have a license
and that costs five bucks.

Yeah, that's out, that's out.

- Hair straightener?
- Not enough colored people in town.

- How about a little myth reading?
- Ok, tell their fortune, that's alright.

Fortunes it'll be child,
there's millions in it. Millions.

And furthermore Sheriff Hopkins,
I promised the members of our league...

that this carnival would
operate only under our supervision.

I insist that you keep the carnival in order.

There must be no gambling or fakers
permitted to operate on the carnival grounds.

They must be driven from town.

Oh, come now mother,
don't be too hard on them.

I'll handle this in my own way father.
We must protect our young folks.

Especially if young folks
happen to include your son Billy...

- the rising young lawyer.
- Thank you.

And I assure you I'm quite
capable of taking care of myself.

That will do Billy.

Then sheriff, we rely on you to rid
the carnival of its undesirable elements.

Let's run down and see the carnival, eh?
Before mother takes all the fun out of it?

Carnivals are for children,
I'm not the least interested.

Ok then, I'll drop you off at your
house on the way to the carnival.

Oh no thanks, I'll stay here.
I want to talk to your mother.

Alright then, I'm off. Bye.

Now folks, we're
just starting, just commencing.

Come up a little closer
folks, come up a little closer.

We mustn't block the
sidewalk. That's fine, that's fine.

And now ladies and gentlemen,
the 89th wonder of the world.

The professor sees the past and the future
identifies articles, calls your full names...

solves your troubles,
and also repairs motorcycles.

Pardon me. That was last week.

And now, folks, for a
demonstration that you will never forget...

the young lady will now blindfold herself.

Then I will pass among you,
selecting articles at random.

And by the aid of mental
telepathy and thought waves...

I shall transfer the information...

to the blindfolded
mademoiselle who stands before you.

- Are you all ready mademoiselle?
- I am ready, professor.

The mademoiselle is quite ready, quite ready.

I have my hand on an
article here mademoiselle.

Concentrate, I'll ask you to name it quickly.

The article is..

Come, come
mademoiselle, don't let it stick you.

- Stickpin.
- Right.

The young lady is always
right, she's always right.

And another article mademoiselle.

I'll ask you to name
it please, you can't go wrong.

- Watch out.
- It's a watch.

Right, the young lady is always
right, you can see for yourself.

And another article I'm holding up
mademoiselle, name it quickly if you please.

The article is...

Concentrate mademoiselle,
it should be right on your tongue.

- It's a coat.
- Right.

You can see for yourself
folks, you can see for yourself.

And another article, name it quickly please.

- The article is...
- Come, come, get this right.

A fountain pen.

Mademoiselle, mademoiselle,
do you have to be led?

- It's a pencil.
- Right.

Ah, here we have another article here.
I'll ask you to name it, come sweet.

- It's candy.
- Alike, she's always right.

- What shall I do with it?
- Eat it.

Right, the mademoiselle
is always right, always...

Alright, alright.

Ah, here we have another article, I shall
ask you to name it please concentrate.

- I seem to see calling cards.
- 'Come, come, mademoiselle.

- Come, come, quickly.
- Pocketbook?

- Oh mademoiselle, you're all wet.
- It's a raincoat.

And now folks, that's just a slight idea
of what you can expect on the inside.

I shall now step into the big tent...

and prepare myself for the
strenuous ordeal that lies before me.

And now ladies
and gentlemen, inside the tent...

Professor will be
pleased to read your fortune.

Advice you as to business,
love affairs and other troubles.

Professor, there's a gentleman here
who wants to have his hand read.

What color is it now?

Ah, come on in, come on in.
Have a seat, have a seat.

How are things at Rockford?

I, I take that you want to
look into the future Mr. Hall.

- Or may I call you Sam?
- Well, hell be damned.

I was never in this town
up until about an hour ago.

And here, you know my
name and where I come from.

Mere bagatelle, I assure you, mere bagatelle.
Now what seems to be troubling you Sam?

- Professor, I am in love.
- Maybe it's the itch.

- I'm in love with two women.
- Oh, two women? Maybe it's the flu.

One of the young
ladies is not very good looking...

but she's the richest woman in Rockford.

The other young girl
is very beautiful but very poor.

Now which one shall I marry?

Why, you marry the good looking
girl that's very poor, of course.

- What do you want me to write?
- The name and address of the other girl.

That will be $2 please. $2.

Oh professor, I forgot to tell you.

I'm jealous.

I'm terribly jealous
of this particular young lady.

Tell me, are my fears groundless?

Well, well, just who do you
happen to be jealous of, may I ask?

- The iceman.
- Ah, the old, old story, the iceman again.

Why don't you marry a Frigidaire? I'll
have to gaze into the crystal for that one.

Ah, I see it all, the crystal tells me all.

I see a little white house on the hillside.
Yes, the description of her home is perfect.

I see a little picket fence
winding around this little white house.

I see a little winding walk
that runs up to the doorway.

- I see a pair of green shutters.
- Tell me, do you see the iceman?

No, but his horse and wagon are outside.

Hey, don't forget my two bucks.

Oh, certainly.

- That's alright, alright.
- Thank you.

Perfectly alright, perfectly alright.

You might laugh me out of two bucks but
you're not going to cry me out of two bucks.

This gentleman looks as though
he needs some advice, professor.

Ah, certainly, certainly.
Sit right down Mr. Oberdorf, sit down.

Well, that's a pretty good beginning.

Ah, but the end, the end, that's the
best part of it all, that's where you pay.

- You're having troubles Mr. Oberdorf.
- Yes, business troubles.

Don't tell me, don't tell me.

I seem to see a lot of, a lot of...

- Jewelry?
- That's it, you're in the jewelry business.

- Remarkable.
- Business is bad, isn't it?

But that won't be for long.
It's got to pick up, it's bound to pick up.

You know, there may be a man in
to see you before the day is over.

He'll probably want to pawn, that is, he will
have a great proposition for you perhaps...

and you mustn't turn it
down, you mustn't turn it down.

That will be a dollar and a quarter please.
Seventy five cents off for good behavior.

Right this way folks, have your fortune told.

Professor sees and tells all.

I'm awfully sorry.

Is that all you've got to do? Going around
splashing muddy water all over everybody?

Oh, I don't go around splashing
mud on everybody, I, I just splashed you.

- Oh, you saved all your mud for me, did you?
- Yes. No. Oh, I don't mean that.

Won't you please let
me help you? I'm awfully sorry.

I never realized mud
could be so becoming to a girl.

What?

That is, I realized how
pretty you'll be without mud.

That is, I mean...

Well, you're pretty, that's what I mean.

Is this the place where
you have your fortunes told?

Yes, right this way.

Oh, professor, you know,
I'm just all hot and bothered.

You may be hot, but you'll never be bothered.

Now there, what is your name, my good woman?

- What is your name?
- Olive.

Olive. Oh, 'tis a pretty name Olive.
Give me your palm Olive.

And if you make a crack about
not on your life boy, I'll slug you.

Ah, 'tis a beautiful hand, beautiful.
Lovely lines, lovely lines.

- What you call that thing there?
- A wart.

Oh, this a wart?

Is it true you can get rid
of a wart by burying a cat?

If, if the wart's on the cat, you can, yes.

How old are you,
my good woman? How old are you?

I just passed my 20th birthday.

You must've passed it coming back.
Ah, I see here that you want to get married.

Professor, you are uncanny.

Now madam, remember where you
are, remember where you are.

Am I going to be married
and live in a big house?

You'll need one, I shall have
to gaze into the crystal for that.

Crystal, can you show me
a big house and a little husband.

I mean a little husband, a big...
Crystal, can you show me anything at all?

Something wrong here, I can't see a thing.

Ah, now I see it all. Yes, now
I see a little vine covered cottage.

It's evening time.

Your husband comes
home from a hard day's work.

He comes to the little gate, he whistles
for the dog and you come running out.

There you are.

- You know, I could sue you for a new dress.
- Great, I'll be your attorney.

I'm studying to be a lawyer, you know.
What a case? Miss Rosie Droop versus Mud.

What?

There is an awful lot
of mud in our town, isn't there?

Yes, of course, we've
been in muddier towns before...

but their mud wasn't
nearly as nice as the mud here.

- And you do forgive me?
- I don't know.

I'll have to ask the
professor, he sees and knows all.

And now there madam, will you
give me your age please? Your age?

Professor, must I give my exact age?

Well, within 30 or 40 years, yes.

Well professor, I'm just 17.

- Just 17.
- Yes.

- Just 17.
- Just 17.

- Tell me professor, how old are you?
- I'm going to be born Friday.

Oh, you.

Will I get married?
You know, marriage is such a lottery.

No, no, it is. No, no.
In a lottery, a man has a chance.

I see it all.

I see a little church.
I see the altar. I hear the wedding bells.

Oh, I'm doubtful.

Oh, tell me professor, do you think
my boyfriend needs encouragement?

Encouragement? He needs a cheering section.

And after we are married professor,
shall we be happy and go on a honeymoon?

Well, questions of that kind can only be
answered in a double trance and you see...

I only go into double trance once a week
on account of the strain on my nerves.

- The strain will amount to exactly $2.85.
- Oh, that's very reasonable.

Oh professor, I should so love
to see you in a double trance.

Oh yes and honey,
I'm a bear in a double trance.

Here we go. Ah. Ah.

Ala. Ala. Here me, Ala.

I hope I don't go into a triple trance.
Ah. Ala, don't leave me, Ala.

I'm coming towards you Ala.
Oh Ala, don't leave me.

You know me, Ala. Oh.

♪ And she lives down in our Ala ♪

Oh Ala. Ala. Oh, baby, Ala.

♪ Poo poo pah doo to say
nothing of all the old dough ♪♪

Oh, oh, I see it all, I see it all.

The stars above, the stars above tell me...

that you're going to take a long trip.

What is this star tell you?

That star tells me that I am
going to take a long trip.

I am now packing sheriff, now packing.

- Have you got a license?
- License?

- What kind of a license?
- A license.

You must've a license
to tell fortunes in this town.

Well, how am I supposed to
know that? I'm no mind reader.

Don't forget. I'll see you tonight.

Remember, that's a date.

And, remember, you promise
to have your fortune told.

- Ok, bye.
- Bye.

I'll give you ten minutes
to get out of this town.

I'll match it. 20 or nothing?

- Now listen sheriff...
- Understand?

I'll give you ten minutes to leave this town.

If you're here at the end
of that time, it's the jailhouse for you.

You heard of the jail, haven't you?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, indeed.
There's millions in it sheriff. Millions.

Now what's the matter?

There are two people I hate in
this world and both of them are sheriffs.

- Are we leaving town?
- In ten minutes.

I don't know what I'm going
to do with that other eight.

I wish we could have stayed a little longer.

I get so tired moving
around from pillar to post.

Never knowing where we're going to be next.

But honey, that's our life, always on the go.

New faces, new places. Excitement, adventure.

Why, it's in our blood.

Why honey, the world is our home.

Home.

Gee, what I'd give for a home.

- Selfish of me, I suppose.
- You selfish?

How did you get that way honey?

Gee doc, you got a great
gift of gab, you can sell anything.

Why don't we settle down in some little town?

- What little town?
- This little town.

Well, you know me.

Everything is Rosie.

We are now in the jewelry business.

You know it's funny, I told
that old man's fortune a while ago.

It seems that he's having
trouble with his business.

I told him that he might expect me.

I was thinking I'll have
to pawn this ring again.

Now I got a different idea.

But you don't know anything
about the jewelry business.

Who don't?

Well honey, there's millions in it.

Millions.

Why, my dear Mr. Oberdorf, you must realize
that what this store needs is young blood.

A live wire, someone to stimulate business.

We'll have a sale, that's it.
We'll have an auction sale.

- Do you know anything about auctions?
- Oh? Do I know anything about auctions?

Why my dear man, do you know
that my uncle the king of Spain...

would never think of buying
a crown unless I passed on it?

And when I said to him,
he takes it like a chump.

Oh, here you are men, here you are.

Now boys, I think we
ought to have a little rehearsal.

You understand this is
going to be an auction sale.

What's an auction?

I can see right now that I'm going
to have a lot of trouble with you.

You understand the most important thing about
the bidding is to keep raising the price.

- Sure.
- Alright.

Now about your salaries,
how much do you expect today?

- Two dollars.
- Three dollars.

- And...
- Sold for $3.

And here's the thing
that you got to remember.

If I hold my cigar in
my right hand, that means bid.

If I hold it in my left hand,
that means stop bidding.

- Which is your right hand?
- I don't know, I'm left handed.

Now boys, look around,
take a good look at each other.

So you'll know each other.

Now if anybody comes in and
starts to bid that's a stranger to you...

why, keep your mouth shut, because
that means somebody has ready cash.

And it won't be me.

- Now are you all set?
- Sure.

Where's Rosie? Rosie.
You know, I can't do nothing without Rosie.

- Rosie, Rosie.
- Come on, let's go boys.

It's a pipe, can open it with a can opener.

Next, we can look at
the dough in from the auction.

Ok.

Well, we're off honey and something tells me
there's going to be millions in it, millions.

- Good luck doc.
- Believe me, I going to need it.

Ah, here we are folks, here we are folks.
All ready to go. Now the first article.

Beautiful set of military hairbrushes.

Folks, these military hairbrushes had
gone through three wars without a scratch.

Could I interest you in these brushes?

My mistake, my mistake.
Anybody else folks, anybody else?

- One dollar.
- One dollar.

- Two dollars.
- Two dollars.

- Three dollars.
- Three dollars.

- Four dollars.
- Four dollars.

Four dollars, four dollars twice...

Four dollars three times.

Sold to the gentleman for 12 dollars.

Twelve dollars?

Four dollars three
times is twelve dollars, isn't it? Sold.

Now, if you step in the
backroom the young lady will...

take your money and wrap up the article.

Now ladies and gentlemen, we come
to the next article. Ah, here we are.

Here we have a beautiful solid gold plated...

guaranteed timekeeper.

Folks, I had considerable trouble
getting this watch in Switzerland.

They gave me the case one month,
the next month they gave me the works.

Look at it men, look at it.
It'll run eight days without winding.

Goodness knows how long
it would run if you wound it.

It's guaranteed not to rip,
ravel or run down at the heels.

What am I offered for this fine Swiss cheese?
Swiss watch, what am I offered folks?

- What am I offered?
- Three dollars.

Three dollars, I've got
three dollars, can I hear four?

- Four dollars.
- Four dollars, I've got four, can I hear 5?

I've got 4, can I hear 5?

Alright then, sold to the gentleman for..

What happened to
the man who bid four dollars?

You better let me take you home,
old man, where do you live?

- Summer Street.
- What number?

450.

I got 4.50, can I hear 4.75?

Almost sold to the
gentleman going out for 4.75.

The very latest thing
in Parisian head ornaments.

The finest tortoise shell manufactured.

And folks, sometimes it takes
a tortoise a thousand years...

to walk to the factory
to be made into a comb.

What are my bids folks? What are my bids?
Squaw like them heap-big comb?

Much pretty, squaw bid them up?
Makes squaw look like Gloria Swanson.

Miss Swanson's particular type
of beauty doesn't appeal to me.

Very good Pocahontas, very good,
perhaps I could interest you in..

My, how you changed?

Say, listen...

during business hours,
only business conversation.

Well, this is business.

I want you to promise to come
and meet mother and dad Friday night.

If doc says it's ok, it's alright with me.

- I'll ask him now.
- No, he's too busy, you have to wait.

You know Friday night is my big
night, it's my birthday and besides...

I have another big secret.

I'm going to...

You're going to get right out of
here and let me get my work done.

- Ok, I'll see you at the party though.
- Goodbye.

Now remember folks, everything is for sale.
Anybody can bid, anybody can bid.

- Why don't you bid?
- I do, I bid you good afternoon, beat it.

And now then ladies and gentlemen, every
day at this hour, some genuine art object...

is disposed off at a very
low price to advertise the sale.

This afternoon, we've selected
an oil painting. An old masterpiece.

I think it's by Michelangelo...

but I haven't been able to
get him on the phone to verify it.

The title of this picture is
Grandma, Grandma At Her Work.

Folks, you'll notice the
careworn look on grandma's face.

My mistake folks, my
mistake, that's the wrong picture.

That was mother in law just laying around.

So we let her lay folks, we let her lay.

Here we are folks.
Grandma, Grandma At Her Work.

The auction sale seems to be a big success.

- You're Rosie, of course.
- Yes, did you buy something?

- Oh no, I just came down to meet Billy.
- Really? He must be somewhere in the store.

- Should I get him for you?
- Oh no, I'll find him, he's expecting me.

Oh, by the way Billy says you're
coming to our party Friday night.

Well yes, he did invite
us, it's his birthday, isn't it?

Well Billy says that's not
the real reason for his party.

I'd rather imagine that
he intends to announce our...

Do you mean..

- Well, everyone knows that Billy and I are..
- Oh yes, of course, I understand.

Billy and you are? Oh, I'm so sorry.

And now folks, the
next article. Ah, here we are.

Little Joe, the one and only alarm clock.
What am I offered folks? What are my bids?

A dollar.

- A dollar ten.
- A dollar ten, who will make it 1.15?

Would..

35 cents.

Go back to sleep, I've
already got a dollar ten bid.

Here you are sir, sold for a dollar
ten, step in the backroom if you please.

And now the last article, here we are.
A beautiful diamond ring folks.

Look it over folks, look it over.

Tell me, where have you
seen a ring like that before?

In a five and ten cent store.

Will you have an aspirin?

- I haven't got a headache.
- No, but you're going to have.

Yes, I want you to
attend the party Friday night.

We're entertaining Mr. Droop.

Of course, you've heard
that he is of the nobility.

Oh thank you, I'll be delighted to come.

I understand that his uncle
is the king of Czechoslovakia.

That's very kind of you Mrs. Lowe.

And Mr. Oberdorf tells me...

that Mr. Droop's uncle
is the king of Lithuania.

You are very fortunate Mrs. Lowe, in
being able to entertain a man like Mr. Droop.

I understand his uncle
is the king of Madagascar.

One, two, three. Folks, it's a
game called The Three Musketeers.

Three little shells and one little pea. Now,
we place the shell over the little pea so.

We make a few forward passes so.

Hocus pocus Ice cream soda, where is the
little pea? There? No. There? No. There? No.

Now where is that little? Ah, there we are.

Now, how in the world did that
little pea get in under there?

♪ Shoo fly don't bother me. ♪

♪ Shoo fly don't bother me. ♪
♪ Shoo fly don't bother me. ♪

♪ For I belong to the Company B ♪

♪ Shoo fly don't bother me, shoo... ♪

The Three Musketeers. Very good, very good.

♪ Shoo fly don't bother me,
for I belong to the Company B. ♪

Come.

Ah, there you are kitten, there you are.
Look, how is the old man to look, eh?

- How does he look?
- Gee, you look swell.

Yeah, well, you are going to look swell.
Look, wait and see what I got for you.

- How is that, eh?
- Oh, it's beautiful.

Beautiful? Well, it ought to be.
It's the best $7.98 dress in the whole town.

Honey, we are going to knock
them dead at that party tonight.

- Yeah, but I'm not going.
- What do you mean you're not going?

Well, that's all you've been
talking about for a whole week.

- Yeah I know, but changed my mind.
- You change...

Oh, why you go ahead and
do a thing like that for, eh?

- Gosh doc, can't a woman change her mind?
- Woman? Where you get that stuff?

Let me look at you.

Just as I thought, you're tired, that's
what's the matter with you, you're tired.

- No, I'm not.

You can't argue with me, I guess I ought
to know whether you're tired or not.

This party is just what you
need, we'll have a lot of fun, look.

- I'm taking The Three Musketeers along.
- Oh doc, you can't do that.

- Just to have a little fun.
- Doc, I won't let you.

Are you going to stand
there and argue with me...

when all I want
to do is to have a little fun?

Shucks, I can't never have no fun, you
got to stop ticking on me, you hear that?

Now you go ahead and get dressed
and 'll go down and take care of Evelyn.

You stop ticking on
me, you hear? Stop ticking on me.

It's all a very great surprise, I understand
that his uncle is the king of Chile.

Pardon me.

I'll bet you thought
the place was pinch, Jeeves...

Tell Mr. Lowe that we're here, will you?

- I am Mr. Lowe.
- Oh, hi Lowe, hi.

This is Rosie, this is Rosie. Rosie Mr.Lowe.

- Charmed, I'm sure.
- Hello, Rosie.

Now you two young people run away and amuse
yourselves while I show Mr. Droop around.

Yes honey, you just run away and have
a good time while he shows me up.

I mean, while he shows me around.

Lovely place you got here. Nice little..

Excuse me, Rosie and I always have
our little game of marbles every day.

- Yes sir, a nice little place.
- Well, we certainly hope you'll enjoy it.

You haven't got a little flee
around here, have you?

Yeah, hi, oh, hi, hi.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You didn't tell me
this was going to be a masquerade.

- That is Mrs. Lowe.
- Oh?

Mother, I'd like to have you meet Mr. Droop.

- Oh, how do you do?
- I'm fat and sassy. Yes, I'm fat and sassy.

So you're Billy's mother?

- Yes, thank you.
- Don't thank me.

Mr. Droop, meet my friends,
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith,
Well sir, I'm delighted to know you.

You know, I feel as though
I've known you people for years.

I've seen your name
on so many hotel registers.

I got to have my little quippy.
I got to have it. I..

- And this is Miss West.
- Go west young man, go west. Hi Howdy, hi.

- And my very dear friend, Judge Walls.
- Good morning judge.

You know judge, you
remind me of a cousin of mine.

- So?
- Yeah, he was nice boy too.

His teeth were so prominent
that one of them ran for governor.

Look at the judge.

Well, well, well,
here's a pretty thing, pretty.

- Oh, that is my pride and joy.
- That vase is a genuine Cervantes.

- It's worth $1000.
- Yeah, I figured that.

Anything under a 1000 would be called a vase.

Its value lies in the fact that there
are only two of them in the world.

- Yes.
- Only two of them, eh? Well..

- Oh.
- Careful.

Don't give it a thought
folks, don't give it a thought.

I never muff them, I never muff them.

Gee, I'd begun to think you weren't coming.

I wouldn't have missed it for world.

- Oh.
- Oh, hello.

- Oh, Rosie, this is Miss Van Dorn.
- We've met.

At the store, you remember Billy? I told you.

Oh, yes.

Now Billy, you run along.

I want to show Rosie around and
you're not to see her until dinner.

Well, I hope they hurry along, I'm starved.

Come on dear, I wanted you
to meet these people here.

Well, here's to short skirts
and low necks, may they never meet.

You know, we feel flattered
having a real nobleman in our midst.

Eh, nobleman?

Oh yes, yeah, yeah. But keep it dark, will
you? I don't want it to get around, you know.

- You're incognito.
- I beg your pardon.

You're incognito.

Oh, we can't all be perfect.
My brother, he's worse than I am.

Is it true that you're a duke?

Yeah, on my mother's side,
yeah, on my mother's side.

You see, her father was a duke.
So was her brother in law.

It was a sort of a duke's mixture, it was.

Oh, gosh, I'll never forget the night I was
dazed. I mean, the day that I was knighted.

The day that I was knighted.
Oh, what a thrill, a walk right up to the...

Throne?

No, I was pushed around
a little, but I wasn't thrown.

To think that we're talking to a real knight.

Yeah, but don't let the nights
wear you, it's the morning after that.

- Oh, how I suffered?
- Could I ask what kind of a knight you are?

Well, there's all kinds of nights,
you know that, of course, all kinds.

Of course, there's off nights and
nightmares and nights of the garter and...

- nights of the bath and...
- Oh?

Did they make you one knight of the bath?

They wanted to, but I wanted
my Saturday nights to myself.

- You've traveled a lot, of course.
- Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I've traveled quite a lot, quite a lot.

Something is always coming up to keep me
on the move, something always coming up.

In your travels through
Europe, did you touch Florence?

That's good, that's good.

You wanted me to say no but I got
a couple of bucks from her sister.

- What part of Turkey did you like best?
- Turkey? The white meat.

Gosh, you can't stop me now.

Spain must be beautiful.

Oh, good old Spain, good old Spain, I'll
never forget Spain. Bullfights, Toreador...

- Spanish nights songs, moonlight, music.
- Peanuts Popcorn, chewing gum.

Rome was the city I adored.

You loved Rome, did you?
Yes, yes, full of Romans on it.

- Years ago, I visited the ruins of Athens.
- Visited? You married him.

It is charming of you
to invite me here this evening.

Oh, not at all, pleasure is all mine.

- Well mother, what do you think of him, eh?
- Well, he's a little eccentric I think.

- But she seems rather sweet.
- Gee, it's nice of you to say that mother.

- Means a lot to me.
- Billy, you mustn't be hasty.

- Look son, you see this ring?
- Yes mother.

There's a legend in our family that
the youngest bride always wears this.

And when you decide to marry...

I'll signify my approval of your
choice by taking this ring off...

- and giving it to your sweetheart.
- Gee mother, you're a peach.

Dinner is served.

You know this reminds me of
the feast they gave me over in China.

After I made my sensational high jump.

- High jump?
- Yeah, jumped 3000 feet in the air.

Look, see that scar?

I got that from bumping against a cloud.
I was up there for over 24 days.

Twenty-four days in the air?
Isn't that against the law of gravitation?

- That was before the law was passed.
- It all sounds like a myth to me.

- Myth?
- Surely you know what a myth is.

Sure I know what a myth is, a female moth.

- Tried to stick the old master that time.
- Yeah.

What's the matter mother, what's the matter?

- I lost my serviette.
- Keep seated, nobody will notice it.

- I meant my napkin.
- Oh? Well, here we are.

Fifty-fifty, that's me kid.

She's been quite ill for seven days now.

- Really?
- Yes.

Yes, I know that.

I know it.

In your travels, you must've
gone to many strange places?

Yeah, but nothing like this
before and nothing like that.

Did you ever hunt big game in South Africa?

Big Game? Why honey, you're talking to
the huntingest less man you ever talked to.

Did you get any wild elk?

Yeah, I got three of
them at the last convention.

- Those biscuits are very good.
- Biscuits?

- You've eaten my powder puff.
- Well, now is a fine time to tell me.

Well, how could I tell you before you ate it?

Well, what's the matter?

You don't seem to be having
a good time at the party at all.

Oh, I, I am. I'm having a wonderful time.
Everybody is so nice to me and...

- It's my birthday, you know.
- Of course, I know.

That's good, yeah.

You ought to heard it before I cleaned it up.

You tickle me.

What a strange request? Still I'll do it.

- So much fun.
- Get out of it.

Pardon me.

There you are,
much better, isn't it? Much better.

Oh, up to your own tricks again.

- I didn't know was your birthday.
- It's Billy's birthday, he's 21.

- Who do you want to cut the cake Billy?
- Doc, will you do the honors?

Still picking on the old cut up. Ok son, ok.

Here's to the birthday boy, long may he wave.

And here's to little Rosie, the only girl in
the world with two birthdays in a year.

- Two birthdays?
- Yes.

One on the day she was born, the
other on the day that I picked her up.

Picked her up?

You remember that Rosie?
You were just three years old.

Dear God, you were dirty but you were cute.

You followed me, I didn't
follow you, don't forget that.

That was 14 years ago, wasn't it doc?

Then, you're just 17.

Yes, but doc says
I'm a real grown up lady now.

And what a lady,
the sweetest lady in the land.

You will always say that, won't you doc?

You bet your sweet life, I'll always say it.

Well, here's where we now attack that cake.

Here we are folks, here we are.
All ready to go, all ready to go.

It's a great little game folks.
Now, step in a little closer folks.

Don't block sidewalk,
that's fine, that's fine.

I knew you all wanted a little excitement
so I brought The Three Musketeers along.

- But, how does it work?
- Oh, very simple, very simple.

Here we have three
little shells and one little pea.

We place the little pea under the little
shells so we make a few forward passes.

Now, you guess where the little pea is.

- Cute, isn't it, eh?
- Is a gambling game?

Gambling? No, no, no..

Well, of course, I mean just to
add a little zest to the party.

- But only small stakes, only small stakes.

- Well, I'll bet two dollars.
- Two dollars, two dollars.

I am two dollars shy.

- I'll bet a dollar.
- I'm three dollars shy.

- I'll bet 50.
- Dollars or cents?

- Cents.
- Oh, I'm 3.50 shy.

Now, here we are.
The little pea goes under the shell so...

So, so, I make a few short forward passes so.

Now, you guess where the little pea is.

- It's that one.
- Oh, she loses.

Yeah, yeah, but it was under
there, I take the money, see?

Sounds exciting, think I'll try.

Sure, everyone
takes a chance once in a while.

- I did once.
- And did you win?

- No, I lost.
- Gee, that's too bad.

Excuse me.

Well, I've lost $10 already
and I think that's quite enough.

- Why Madeline?
- And I don't like to see women gambling.

Now, mother dear,
it's only innocent amusement.

- Then I don't mind.
- I'll bet five dollars.

Five dollars,
the gentleman bids five dollars.

Anyone else care to back his judgment folks?

Alright, the money is down.
Now, here is the little pea.

Remember, the sucker wins, the gambler
loses, we place the shell over the pea so...

We make a few short forward passes so.
Now, then you guess where the little pea is?

- This one.
- This one?

Oh, you won that time.
Anyone else folks? Anyone else?

- I'll bet $10 this time.
- Ten dollars, the gentleman bets $10.

- Five dollars.
- I bet a dollar.

- One dollar.
- That's two.

- One dollar.
- Two, two dollars, two dollars.

Here we are now.

Remember folks, it's concentration,
that's all that is, concentration.

Now, then, the little pea is here,
we place the shell over the little pea so.

We make a few short passes so. Now then
folks, you guess where the little pea is?

- This one again.
- This one Ag..

Well, that's too bad, that's too bad.

Mr. Droop seems to be
doing alright, doesn't he?

- I'm positive the man is cheating.
- Oh Judge, I, I wouldn't say that.

Think of the man's reputation.
Think who he is.

I mean, I may be
mistaken, but I don't think so.

I was surprised to hear that
he is not really your father.

He's the only one in
the world who really loves me.

- And after all, that's something.
- That's everything.

Well, I guess it's not
my lucky night, I've lost a $125.

- Billy, how could you?
- He says because I can't concentrate.

No wonder.

Weren't you surprised to hear
that she's not his daughter?

Not a bit, she told me that weeks ago.

Why? What difference does it make?

What difference does it
make if she's a little nobody?

Please, she means
everything in the world to me.

Before the night's over, I'm
going to ask her to marry me.

That is, if she'll have me.

She's the sweetest girl I've ever known.
No mother, no father, no background.

But she deserves all the credit
in the world and so does he.

Well, you've always been a little bit crazy.

Good luck.

Doc...

- Anyone else folks? Anyo...
- Wait a minute doc, wait a minute.

- Billy Mrs. Van Dorn, everyone.
- Anything wrong kitten? Anything wrong?

Wrong? Of course not, everything is rosy.

What do you say? We'll give
everyone a chance to get even again.

- Eh?
- Sure we will.

What you say? We'll make this the last bet.

- Doubles or quits, eh?
- What a girl? What a girl?

Doubles or quits it is folks.
Step right up and call your spot.

- What do you say?
- How much did you lose?

- Five dollars.
- And you?

- Ten.
- And you?

- Three dollars.
- And how much did you lose?

I lost $10 and that's all
I care to lose, thank you.

Make it 20 or nothing,
your credit is good with doc.

Oh, no, no. No credit,
if you'll please. No credit.

- Please doc.
- Credit is extended.

Billy, how much did you lose?

- I lost $125.
- Make it 250 or nothing.

- He'll do nothing of the kind.
- You'll take this bit, won't you doc?

Well, I don't know about
that, you see, my motto is...

Your motto is, you can trust everyone.

Ok, everything is rosy with me too.

Now then, we're all set,
the little pea goes under the shell so.

We make a few short passes so. Now,
who's going to guess where the little pea is?

I will.

Rosie is going to guess where
the little pea is, good, good.

- It's under here.
- Under there.

They win, don't they doc?

Well, I don't know, we'll have to see Rosie.

Wait a minute, look.

It isn't under here and it isn't under here.

So it's got to be under there.

That's right, isn't it doc?

Yeah, sure, sure, that's right.
That is, if you say so sure.

Wait a minute and I say
it isn't under that one either.

- What's the big idea? What's the big idea?
- That's what we'd all like to know.

- What is the meaning of this?
- It means that he is a cheat.

A thief and he came
into your home to rob you.

- That's what it means.
- Is this true?

But no one is been robbed.

- Everyone is even.
- I think I begin to understand.

- Rosie...
- They're two of a kind.

He came to rob your guests of their
money, she came to rob you of your son.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Take me home, papa doc, take me home.
- Yes, take her home, if you have one.

But leave this house.

- Now, wait a minute, I think I can explain.
- You don't need to explain.

This town will not tolerate you or your kind.

Now, get out.

Come on papa doc, we'll go home, together.

- Rosie, I still don't understand.
- Of course, you don't, you old doc.

But it's alright.

Well, if you say it's alright
with you honey, it's double alright with me.

Giddup Evelyn.

This is terrible.

Now, calm yourself Mr.Oberdorf
and tell me what happened.

I tell you the store has been robbed.

Money, jewelry, everything gone.

- Where's Droop?
- I don't know.

I've been to his hotel twice, he isn't there.

Well, it's as plain as the nose
on your face, Droop is our man.

- Find him.
- I know where he is.

- He's at the Lowe home.
- Wait a minute.

I'll get the Lowe home on the phone.

Of course, you don't understand
doc. Anyway, wasn't your fault.

Besides, I think I want to leave this town.

- When can we start?
- Pack your things, we're leaving right away.

I never did like this burg
anyway, but I still don't understand.

Well, we do.

- Now what?
- You're wanted for robbery.

- Robbery?
- What do you mean?

- You know what I mean, the Oberdorf store.
- The Oberdorf's store is been robbed?

Why sheriff, we've been
in the Lowe home all evening.

It's alright honey,
it's alright. It's just a joke.

You think so? Well, you tell it to
the judge and see if he laughs.

- Take him away.
- Oh.

Don't worry honey, I'll
be right back in ten minutes.

- You wait right here.
- She will not.

Get your things young
lady, you're coming with me.

But where you taking her?

Surely you don't think
she had anything to do with it.

Why, she's only a child.

That's just it, she's under age...

she's not your daughter and
you're not fit to take care of her.

I'm going to put her in the
orphanage where she belongs.

- Take him away.
- But you can't do a thing like that.

- Take him away.
- Doc.

- What are you saying to her?
- Nothing, just saying goodbye in Chinese.

Now, if you're a deaf, you
can't get away with a thing like this.

You know it's against the statute,
and you mustn't go against the..

Now, you see doc, it isn't under there.

And it isn't under there,
so it's got to be under there.

Isn't that right doc?
Yeah, sure, that's right.

If you say so, I still don't understand.

Hey, what are you doing there?

Oh, hello, hello. You know, I was
just hoping you'd come around.

Who you talking to?

Just having a little chat
with the three musketeers.

Three musketeers? Who are they?

Come on in, I'll introduce you.

No, us guards ain't allowed to
fraternalize with the prisoners.

Well, sure there's ain't no harm in
just coming in and looking them over.

Well, maybe I'd better.

You know, I'm suppose to keep my eye
on what's going on around here.

Yeah, that's right, that's right.

- What is it? Some kind of a game?
- Well, sort of.

You see here I have three
little shells and one little pea.

Now, I place the little
shell over the little pea so.

I make a few little short forward passes so.

Now you're suppose to
guess where the little pea is.

- Is it a gambling game?
- Gambling? No. No.

Still you know sometimes just to
add a little zest to the party...

but only small stakes, only small stakes.

I bet a guy could lose
his shirt on a game like that.

I hope so. I mean, impossible.

You see, the eye is
much quicker than the hand.

For instance, we'll try. Now, the pea
goes under the little shell so, so, so, so.

Now, you guess where the little pea is.

- Right there.
- Now let me see. Doggone, you win.

- Looks easy.
- Easy? Why, it's a cinch.

Well, I got a little change here.

Step up ladies and
gentlemen, don't block sidewalk.

We will now place the little
pea under the little shell so.

And tell the sheriff...

that any time we can cooperate with
him we will always be glad to do it.

Gee doc, how did you manage him?

The Three Musketeers
honey, the Three Musketeers.

Come on Evelyn, do your stuff.

- Can't you go any faster? Faster.
- We're the doing the best we can honey.

Gosh, if Evelyn only had free Winnie.

Doc, there's a car
coming, it must be the sheriff.

Don't worry honey, don't worry. We'll be
across the county line in five minutes.

That is if Evelyn don't blow out a tire.

We'll follow till we'll take the shortcut.

Don't say a word,
maybe they won't recognize us.

- It's Billy.
- Billy?

Oh, I knew he'd come.

- Rosie.
- Ok sheriff, we'll go quietly.

We don't want you Droop, it's all a mistake.

Yes, it's all been a mistake.

Was those two men who worked
for you who robbed the store.

They've been caught and they've confessed.

Oh son, you know it's mighty nice
of you to go to all this trouble for us.

Doc, I'm in love with Rosie.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got that idea alright.

But...

What about you young
lady? What do you got to say?

Yeah, she loves you too.

At last, I think I understand.

Well?

What happens when two people love each other?

- What do you say Rosie?
- She says yes, of course.

- But Doc?
- No buts.

We need a good lawyer in our family anyway.

We'll be married right away.

Look.

- Oh.
- Mother sends you this ring.

Let's see, let's see.

Very pretty, very pretty.

Folks, what am I offered
for this beautiful little ring?

Sold.

Sold to little Rosie...

for one goodbye kiss.

Goodbye?

But Doc, aren't you coming to my wedding?

Your wedding?

Gee, that's fine.

Your wedding.

Gee honey, that's..

That's going to be swell.

You come, won't you Doc?

No. No. I don't think I better do it.

You know I might be tempted to get
the old Three Musketeers out...

flooey, would go the whole works.

Besides, you know, I'm buying a
big three ring circus next week...

I'm going to be awfully busy, awfully busy.

But I'll always be around somewhere close.

You know, in case you need me.

I love you Doc.

- Well, I don't exactly hate you.
- Doc, you're crying.

Who's crying? Can't a man get a
cinder in his eyes if he wants to?

Get right out of here, get right out of here.

- Be good to her son.
- You won't forget me, will you Doc?

Forget you honey?
What a chance? What a chance?

Everything is still Rosie with me.

Come on Evelyn, let's move.

Come on Evelyn, what's the matter
with you? Evelyn, the sheriff is coming.