Everybody Wants Some!! (2016) - full transcript

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING UPSTAIRS)

(CEILING CREAKS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Hey! Shut off the hose!

There's a fucking
faucet outside, man! Hurry up!

- Go! God!
- Jesus!

(FAUCET HISSING)

Shit!

- What a piece of shit old house, man.
- Yup, yup.

Fucking thing wasn't even half full.



Who the hell are you?

Oh, uh, Jake Bradford.

- Infielder?
- Pitcher.

(BOTH SIGH)

- What?
- Hey! Whoa!

Just what we need,
another fucking pitcher.

Not a lefty, are you?

Uh, no, no, right-handed.

Thank God.

Those guys are always so fucking weird.

Like Nez. I hate that guy.

I love Nez.

MAC: He's fine. He's just fucking weird.

(CLINKS)



Hey, I'm just gonna
tell you something right now.

- Yup.
- I hate pitchers, okay?

So you and me will be teammates,

but we're not gonna
be friends or anything like that.

It might give you some kind of edge

if I gotta face you
down the line in pro ball,

if you ever make it there.

I'm just not gonna do that.

- All right.
- Those your bags?

- Wanna pick your shit up?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.

- Excuse me. Bye.
- Yup. Bye.

FINN: You know, nobody really realizes
how much water weighs.

You're talking about
62 pounds per cubic foot.

WILLOUGHBY: Yeah.
FINN: You know, I tried to warn them.

WILLOUGHBY: But let's be honest,

(COUGHS) that would be
fucking amazing

if that fell through the ceiling right now.

FINN: Dude, this is a good example

of someone being so invested
in what they want.

In this case, getting laid on an
oversized, overpriced water balloon,

that they fail to see

the giant waterbed-shaped
iceberg right in their path.

WILLOUGHBY: Mmm-hmm.
Or he just finds you

super-annoying and ignores you.

At his own peril,

as evidenced by this ill-fated
and ill-advised adventure

in mid-collapse before you...

I assume, being a new
(IN DEEP VOICE) teammate.

Thank you, Willoughby. I'm Finn.

Uh, Jake.

- Hi. Charlie Willoughby. Hi.
- Jake. Good to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- (SIGHS)

Did you meet the brain trust
that perpetrated such a folly,

McReynolds and Roper?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, I think so.

One of them told me he hated pitchers.

Even his own teammates.

Undoubtedly Glen McReynolds,
resident All-American.

On the field, you know.
Up here, benchwarmer.

Hey. Chapter 9 will blow your mind.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

PLUM: Guys.

Is it true that our house
is about to fall down?

FINN: Yeah, any second.

What's up, man? Jake Bradford.

What's up, dude? Tyrone Plummer.

Man, you can't even
fuck good on a waterbed.

It's like having sex with a girl

on top of another really fat girl,

know what I mean?

- Just moving around.
- Yeah.

Get out of my shot.

Sorry, man.

- Ah! Shit!
- Shit. Sorry.

What the hell's wrong with you?
You scared the shit out of me.

- Hey, you Billy Autrey?
- Beuter?

Shit, if I was that
pussy-whipped little bitch,

I'd be on the phone
moping to my girlfriend. Why?

I'm just supposed
to be rooming with him.

"I'm just..." Oh, damn. Yeah.

Uh, well, shit, if you ever wanna find
Beuter, just follow the phone cord.

- This?
- Yeah, come on.

You're like a lost lamb.

Thanks. (GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES) What did I tell you?

Hey, Beuter, this your new roommate.

Damn, put some pants on, man.

- JAKE: What's up, man?
- Hold on one second, babe.

Jake Bradford.

Jacob? Hey, how you doing?
I'm Billy Autrey.

- Good to meet you, man.
- Good to meet you.

- Dale Douglas.
- Jake Bradford.

Hey, man, what position do you play?

Pitcher.

Well, what are you?

Second base.

JAKE: Hey, I'll see you later, man.

Okay, Jacob. Yeah, we'll see you, man.

Hey, ladies!
Happy hour is upon us at the Fox.

Two hours of drinking
before the team meeting.

- Let's go.
- That's what I'm talking about.

You guys go ahead, man.
I've got some unpacking to do.

Bullshit! You're on the team now, baby!

(IN GERMAN ACCENT) Onward,
upward and inward! Ja?

Oh, yeah!

- (RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
- (ALL SINGING ALONG)

Say hello, Finn.

FINN: Mmm-hmm, ooh,
look at what we have here.

ROPER: Well, look at this
lovely bunch of ladies.

Let's say hi.

I think we should.

- (HONKING)
- Tit-tit-tit-tit-tit-tits!

- Fuck off, faggots!
- Yeah!

- That was beautiful.
- Oh!

I love this time of year.

(JAKE LAUGHS)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Party later tonight
at the baseball houses.

Where?

15th and Avenue H.

You know,
just look for two beautiful houses

filled with Greek gods who care.

Okay, when?

When you get there.

And when you do get there,
ask for me, Kenny Roper.

We look forward to
seeing all of you there.

ROPER: All of you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

ROPER: There we go.

PLUM: She looks like
my fifth grade teacher.

ROPER: She's built right.

Hey, ladies, uh...

I don't know if you guys
are doing anything tonight,

but we'd like to invite you
to a baseball party with...

Sorry.

Uh...

Okay.

FINN: Ouch!
ROPER: Not my fault she's a bitch.

FINN: Jeez, ball hit the mitt
before you ever even swung.

ROPER: And what was I
supposed to do, huh?

FINN: You gotta notice the clues, Rope.

There was a typewriter in the back.

- ROPER: Oh, yeah.
- They're intelligent girls.

You have to rise
and meet them on their level.

ROPER: Huh? Is that right?

FINN: Act like you've read
a book before. Jeez.

ROPER: Okay, Finn, you're up.

FINN: Well, I can't do any worse.
ROPER: Here we go.

FINN: Take notes, boys.

(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me, ladies.

You know, I couldn't help but
notice you ladies being hassled

by that asshole in the car back there.

It's a shame.

You know, some guys
are just so aggressive.

Myself, I'm a firm supporter of the ERA...

Although I doubt it's gonna
have an immediate impact

on the societal norm of the male gender,

initiating virtually all contact
with respect to females.

You know, which might seem
predatory on the surface,

but I assure you...

Trust me.

You should be investing
this energy elsewhere.

Well, now you just
plain hurt our feelings.

- (MOCKINGLY) Aww.
- (LAUGHS)

Do you also hate guys
that are athletic, intelligent,

sometimes endearingly clumsy,
or is that just her?

Hey, Finn, did you mention hung?

I didn't mention hung, Dale, not yet.

Okay, um...

Y'all wanna know the truth?

Always. It'll set you free.

I like the quiet guy in the back seat,

in the middle.

ROPER: Well, there's nothing here.

BOTH: Lesbians.

Yeah! Did you guys hear that?

- I didn't hear anything.
- ROPER: Delusional.

- Freshman's hearing things.
- No, dude.

Quiet, non-asshole guy
in the back, that's me.

Wait, no, guys.

Yeah, no, I think I heard
her say something like,

"The guy in the back,
whether he knows it or not,

- "is a cock jockey."
- JAKE: Oh.

- Yeah, but I heard "cock gobbler."
- FINN: Cock gobbler.

I heard, "The guy in the back seat,

"his cock looks like an outie bellybutton."

Oh, yeah. Are we mistaken?

That's what we heard.

Yeah, I can see
how that could get threatening.

All right, new guy coming in,
getting all the ladies.

Hey there, freshman,

I've fucked more girls
than you've cranked off to.

- Hey, do me a favor. Stop for a second.
- ROPER: Why?

I wanna see what room she's in.

ROPER: Just give it up, son.

This just went from "cute"
to "restraining order."

Just do it. I'll buy the first pitcher.

(BRAKE SCREECHES)

Okay. Now you're talking
our language a little.

ROPER: All right,
what are we looking at? Let's see.

JAKE: Okay. Stop, stop.

Okay, that's her.

GIRL: Hey.

All right, 307. Help me remember that?

- Sure, man, 309.
- No, 307.

- FINN: 304.
- Can we go now, Mr. Stalker?

Weirdo, man.

PLUM: 30-12?

DALE: Damn. Hey.

- Huh? Yeah?
- That was pathetic, man.

She was using you, a peasant,
to fuck with us, the kings.

Look, if you'd opened your mouth, too,

you'd have been shut down.
You don't see that?

No, I don't, actually.

Only been at college an hour

and I'm already pulling in
the groupies, man!

That was a joke.

Got your joke right here.

Did he just call his dick a joke?

That's what he implied.

- To the Fox?
- To the Fox.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

PLUM: Didn't it seem
like most of the girls we saw today were,

you know, moving into
the dorms on campus?

That's what we're talking about!

Oh, thank God. Finally.

FINN: Mmm-hmm.

DALE: Thanks, man.

So don't you think we would get more
ass living on campus?

You know, where all the girls are.

No, no.

Have a clue, freshman. The dorms suck.

ROPER: You guys have no idea.

They gave us two houses.
Man, we've got it made.

No dorm resident snitches keeping track.

You know, den-mother types
up your ass.

No centralized authority.
It's fucking brilliant.

Let's just hope they don't
realize what they've done.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm-hmm.

(ALL WHOOPING)

We knew we'd find you drunks here!

What miserable updraft
wafts you three hither?

- Oh, bite me, Finn.
- FINN: I will not...

Dismount.

(LAUGHS)

NEZ: This is our third bar
of the afternoon, boys!

You one of the new freshmen?

- Yeah, Jake.
- Coma.

Hey, Alex Brumley.

Hey, man. Nice to meet you.

Nesbit. A pleasure.

COMA: Go get some glasses, Brumley.

BRUM: Yeah, sure thing, dude.

Whoa, is...

- Wait, Jay Niles isn't with you guys?
- (ALL GROAN)

Who's Jay Niles?

You haven't heard of Jay Niles?

The second coming of Nolan Ryan.

Yeah, man, 95-mile-an-hour fastball.

Self-professed, mind you.

He's this intense fuck from Detroit,

who just kind of spouts out all his stats

and just talks about
what a pro prospect he is.

How'd that guy end up here?

Well, he's filling the obligatory quota.

You know, we have to have at least
two weirdos on every team.

- Now we're full up.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

Wait, Jay Niles, one. Two? Who's two?

You, you sawed-off drunk fuck.

(ALL SNICKERING)

No, actually your roommate,
Beuter, the hayseed.

JAKE: Ah.
ROPER: Can we agree?

FINN: We can agree.

I thought his name was Billy Autrey.

Oh, it was, until we changed it

to the most country bumpkin name
we could come up with.

Beuter Perkins.

ALL: Beuter!

Hey, you guys sure Coach
isn't gonna know if we've been drinking?

Fuck, Brumley,
you've seriously asked that at every bar.

(MOCKINGLY) "Are you sure Coach
isn't gonna know if we've been drinking?

"What if he smells my breath?"

We're fucking drinking, man!
That's what we're doing!

- Yeah, we are.
- Okay? Yeah.

Cheers for the beers.

What is that brown shit on your lip?

(LAUGHS)

I thought it was like a light,
like a shadow on your lip, but it...

- Is that a mustache?
- Yeah.

Ugh!

I'm sorry. Don't touch it. Don't...

ROPER: Ew. Stop.

- Oh!
- ALL: Ugh!

Yeah, it's a mustache.
That's a mustache.

- It's growing.
- FINN: Was that hair?

Full throttle to the bottle.

Shut up, Brumley.

Why does he keep
saying things like that?

Finn, I'm seriously
worried about these new guys. I mean...

It's gonna be a strange year, man.

- ROPER: Hey, whoa!
- Oh!

GORDAN: If you haven't met yet,

I'd like to introduce you
to the new guys on the team.

Freshman Ty Plummer, catcher.

Stand up, Ty. Come on, son.

Alex Brumley, outfield.

Hey, guys.

GORDAN: Sit down.

All right. Jake Bradford

and Billy Autrey, both freshman pitchers.

Also, I'm taking a leap
this year on two transfers,

trying to shore up our pitching staff.

From California,
senior Charlie Willoughby.

Stand up, Willoughby.

Guys.

And from Detroit, Jay Niles.

(SIGHS)

All right.

For you vets, I expect you
to show the new guys around.

Hopefully be a positive
influence on them.

I'd appreciate that, all right?

Wake up, Coma!

Okay, for the eight of you
living in this house

and the eight of you living next door,

there's gonna be
some guidelines for living here.

The city's been generous enough
to donate these houses

to help with the overcrowding
situation in athletic dorms,

and we've agreed to be
responsible for them.

So, two rules.

Number one.
No alcohol in these houses, okay?

It's against school policy.
Need I say more?

Now, we can't stop you
from having a drink

down at that Jolly Fox
and Sound Machine, or whatever.

You're all over 18, all right?
Just no booze in this house.

Okay. Number two,
and it's a biggie, gentlemen.

No girls upstairs in those bedrooms.

- (ALL GROANING)
- What?

GORDAN: Yup. I'm sorry.

She's gonna have to
take it back to her place or,

if you want, you can spend as much time

as you like together down here.

There's plenty of room
in both these houses for socializing.

So, if you just gotta
bring some little gal back to the house,

you keep her buns downstairs.
You got it?

Don't want the program taken
down by a piece of poontang.

(BOYS SNICKERING)

Okay, that's it.

Voluntary practice is on Sunday.

That's players-only now.

Rulebook says I can't be on the field,

so I'll see you fellas on Monday.

Be responsible out there
this weekend, okay?

Think before you do
something stupid, please.

Skip?

All right. Mac, you got something?

Yeah. Hey, new guys, listen up.

Just so you know,
"voluntary" means mandatory, okay?

Everybody's got to be there.

If you're not there,
then you probably don't care

about beating those fuckers
from Arizona.

And if you're not serious about
that, you might as well go home.

Oh, yeah. We're taking it
this year, fellas.

All the way.

(ALL CHEERING)

All right! Our lucky year!

DALE: Get ready, boys,
your college careers are about to begin.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

- How's it going?
- Yeah, yeah!

- Murphy! Trouble walking in.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

- How's it going, man?
- Hey. Two-dollar cover.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no. They're with us.

Freshman superstars.

MAN: It's all right. Let them in.

Thanks, man.

MAN: Have fun, boys.

Hey, shake something,
don't break something.

- Yes, sir.
- (LAUGHS)

(DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

- Hey, hey, guys.
- Yeah?

If you guys want more beer,
go to Howard.

The guy that looks like Cheech.

We're getting all this shit for free, okay?

Dude! No cover and free beer.

Mmm-hmm.

College is the fucking greatest!

Hey, it's part of the scholarship.

(INAUDIBLE)

Say goodbye to your
high school sweethearts, fellas.

The wonderful world
of college pussy is upon you.

Ladies! How was your summer?

Fun. How was yours?

Angie, you look amazing.

Let me introduce you to
some of the new guys. This is Jake.

- Hey. Nice to meet you.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

ROPER: That dude is Plum.

What's up? Tyrone.

- How you doing?
- GIRL: Hi.

- You guys wanna dance?
- JAKE: Yeah.

(DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Cheers. To a beautiful night.

There we go.

Mmm.

- Oh, yeah.
- Whoo!

We're gonna need a couple more.

MAN: Yeah, come on!

She needs quite a few more.
You do, too.

- Lookit.
- What? What's up?

DALE: Finn's in his average cock mode.

Right now, I guarantee you
he's telling those girls

about how he has an average cock.

JAKE: Why the hell would he do that?

See, no, it's genius, actually.

See, he tells girls
that he has an average cock,

and while that might only seem
moderately compelling on paper,

women find it a relief

from all the guys talking
about how huge they are.

I'm a performer, all right?
I'm a grower, not a shower.

See all that fun, all that laughing?

Yeah, yeah.

They're talking about his dick, man!

- Fuckin' with me.
- No...

You heard of "foot in the door"?

Of course.

Finn's got his dick in the door.

JAKE: That's fucking genius.

- Genius. Yes!
- Genius!

- Fuck.
- I tell you.

Hey, you see what I see?

- You know them?
- DALE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's Michelle with her friend Val.

JAKE: What's the book on them?

The book is,
we're going over to rap with them.

- Yeah?
- Oh, hell, yes.

Let's get it.

Hey, which one you going after?

Oh, Michelle, definitely.

- The one on the right.
- The tall one?

I'm climbing that tree, Jake!

- I hear Val is fun. Go for it!
- All right, cool.

- Val?
- How you doing, Dale?

- Michelle.
- Dale. (LAUGHS)

- Michelle, Val, this is Jake.
- (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

- Hey there.
- What's up?

Oh, I love this song! Come on.

It's Jake.

Val.

Are you gonna ask me to dance,
or are you just gonna stand there?

I'm asking you to dance.

(DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Hey, what position do you play?

Pitcher.

Oh, cool. And you're a freshman?

Yeah, yeah. You?

I'm a sophomore.
I live in the apartment next to Angie.

Oh, cool.

Hey, do you live in those
new baseball houses?

Yeah, yeah.

(LAUGHS)

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOYS SINGING ALONG)

Oh, yes! Yes! Ooh,
two at a time, bro! Shoot!

Just a second.

Wait here a second.

Soul brother, what's the deal, man?

I don't know, man.
Finn's got that Leeann chick in there.

(SIGHS)

I'm gonna go upstairs real quick.

- I'll be right back.
- Huh?

I'm gonna go upstairs real quick.
I'll be right back.

Okay.

Ah!

Strike three. Strike three.

Strike...

BEUTER: And his answer is,
his answer is,

"It needs some tail." And ol' Ben says,

"Well, that's what I told Mrs. Franklin.
She told me to go fly a kite!"

(ALL LAUGHING)

"Go fly a kite!"

Oh, man, that's funny.

- Hey, what's going on, Jacob?
- What's up, man?

So, where you guys been tonight?

Oh, shoot, man.

We went over to the
Guaranteed Wholesome.

What about you?

Uh, Sound Machine.

Sound Machine, all right.

Yeah. Hey, Beuter.

I mean, Billy. Uh...

Look, man, I got a little lady downstairs

who maybe wants to come up here

and check out my album collection,
you know?

How about that? Hey, Jacob,
didn't Coach Gordan say this afternoon

that we weren't supposed
to have girls upstairs?

He said something about that, didn't he?

Yeah. Yeah, he did.

But, I mean, half the guys in this house

just broke that rule, you know?

So I kind of decided
not to be like a one-man holdout on that.

Yeah. Yeah, you is
a team player, ain't you?

Huh.

So, what you want me to do?

(LAUGHS)

I don't know, man.

Just, uh, do the right thing, you know?

Give me the room alone for a bit.

Huh.

You know, man, but my girlfriend,
she lives out of town, right?

So what, you want me to just

pitch a tent on the couch
all the time, or what?

Not all the time.

Just this little window of time.

- Little window? Yeah.
- Yeah.

Look, come on, man,
you guys are already

breaking the alcohol rule.

Or is there a waiver for Lone Star?

Dang, that sure is Lone Star.
That's alcohol right there.

Alcoholic beverage in there.
I'll be danged.

Well, man, I'll tell you what,

I gotta get up early
for registration in the morning.

Plus, I think Mr. Finnegan
set up a room downstairs for that.

Yeah, he's in there.

Wow!

Well, shoot,

I reckon he'll be
out of there before too long, won't he?

(SCOFFS)

Un-fucking-believable.

You go get 'em, Jacob.

Go show her them albums.

- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- (LAUGHING)

JAKE: All right, bro.

Let's go somewhere quiet.

(VAL GIGGLES)

(BOTH PANTING)

I feel like the Astros
are gonna make it to the World Series.

(EXHALES)

(WOMAN CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

Tom, you know I wouldn't ask you this
unless it were very important.

Erica's such a bitch.

Yeah, she's definitely cheating on him.

What?

- Hey, Beuter, you leaving us already?
- (ROPER LAUGHS)

Running home to mama, Perkins?

Come on, y'all, my name ain't Beuter.
Okay, guys? It's Billy Autrey.

Bullshit!

It's Beuter Perkins
until we tell you otherwise.

Now, where you going, BP?

You running back to that
corn-fed girlfriend of yours already?

No, sir, I'll be back Sunday for practice.

Well, well, well!

Looks like Beuter Perkins
is getting laid this weekend. Huh?

You finally trading in that phone
for the real thing?

Shoot, y'all.

Man, guys,
she says she might be pregnant.

No, sir.

Yeah, man, that's what she says.

How late is she?

She's a day late.

(ALL JEERING)

You gotta be shittin' me, Beuter!

She's one day late
and she's giving you shit for it?

FINN: She's testing you.
She's trying to gauge your response.

Are you the guy that says,

"Don't worry,
I'm gonna pay for the abortion,"

or are you talking about marriage?

Which is what she's hoping for.

Either way, you're fucked.
Give it up, Beuter Perkins.

No trust me, man,
she's not fucking pregnant, all right?

We've all been through shit like this.

Except for Nez, of course,
'cause he's still a virgin.

(LAUGHS)

Look, she's just
taking your little chicken-fried nuts

and she's running them
through the wringer, okay?

She's just giving you shit for it because
you left her back on the farm

with all the other little pigs
you used to fuck.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I ain't never put it in a pig!

They speaketh the truth,
young Beuter Perkins.

Man, we're just
worried about you, all right?

Yeah, man.
I mean, school hasn't even started yet,

and, guys, correct me if I'm wrong,

but you are the official frontrunner

for the Freshman Numb-Nut
of the Year award, right, guys?

The what award?

Oh, it's the annual award.

We give it out to
the most clueless freshman.

I think we've already started engraving
his name on the plaque.

How do you spell "Beuter," by the way?

My name is not Beuter!

Uh, Beuter, we also got a bet going on

whether your share of the phone bill

is gonna be under or over $300.

We gotta pay the phone bill here?

FINN: I've already done the calculations
based on its usage thus far,

- way over $300.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

- PLAYER: Really?
- Oh, yeah.

$300 and a kid?

Man, your life's gonna fucking suck.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Fine. Fine.

Later, Beuter!

ALL: Later, Beuter!

Bye, Beuter! Beuter.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Five bucks says we never see him again.

Nez, he's gotta come back for his shit.

It's a bad bet.

This is why
you're losing money all the time.

A good bet would be, I don't know,

"Is his girlfriend in his family tree?"

Okay, five bucks
that his girlfriend's in his family tree.

Okay, uh, first cousin, second cousin?

First cousin, Finn.

See, that's a bad bet. I'll take the bet.

- Still bad odds.
- First cousin?

PLUM: So, what do most
of the guys on the team major in?

DALE: Besides baseball and pussy?

FINN: Ah, you mean
when a girl asks? That's easy.

Look, there are thousands
and thousands of people

majoring in all kinds of shit here.

But there's only 25 of us.
We're the best team on campus.

You got a football team
that'll win about three games a year.

Basketball team hasn't won shit.

We are in the playoffs every year

and we're always ranked nationally.

Dale, you're confusing him.

Bottom line is this,
her friends are gonna ask,

"What's he like? What's he do?"

She's not gonna have to say the old,

"I don't know. He's a marketing major."

That's not gonna cut it.

"He's a baseball player."

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

See, now they got
something special to talk about.

"How's your ballplayer doing?"

"Oh, he's still stiff as a bat."

"You still ballin' your player?"

"Oh, he's sliding home."

That's cool, that's cool and everything.
I like pussy.

But, you know, what about school?
Like, what do I take?

Oh, oh, oh. That's easy, that's easy.

You get good at making
the school-part work for you, right?

It's like a puzzle, man.

What teachers will
give you a break, what classes to take.

Hey, look, you gotta start the
semester with 12 hours, all right?

But you only gotta be
passing nine to be eligible.

Drop one class, blow off another.

DALE: God damn it, Plummer!

Call it! Wake up!

PLUM: Oh!

DALE: Whoo!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

- NEZ: I kinda like our relationship.
- Mmm.

It's like, I throw the junk
and you get yourself out.

WILLOUGHBY: Fuck!

JAKE: Was that a big deal for you,
transferring in senior year?

WILLOUGHBY: No, man, not really.

You know, I'll still have a few hours

that I gotta complete, you know?

I'll go back in late summer,
graduate, do that thing.

And where's, uh, San Luis Obispo?

- Uh, California.
- That's where you're from?

Yeah. Yeah.
Sort of the central coast area.

- Cool. Cool. Mmm...
- Yeah. Yeah. Very cool.

I'm from this, uh,

- small town in the valley.
- Yeah.

- Hey, man, you get high?
- Yeah. Yeah, here and there.

Yeah? Well, I don't know.

Couple of guys
are gonna go burn this with me

in my room pretty soon.

- If you wanna join that.
- Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

- Yeah? All right. All right.
- Cool.

BRUM: Whoo!

- I'll bet you 10 bucks.
- Ten bucks?

- Yeah. Ten bucks.
- You wanna go... That's steep for you.

Best out of three.

- So, I gotta get two?
- Yeah, Mac, two.

Okay. You feel like losing 10 bucks?

You're just excited
to hit off me for once, huh?

Oh, man. I mean, this is gonna be fun.

This is gonna be very fun, Nesbit.

Man, let me get a little stretch in.

Come on. Come on, Mr. Ax. Strong Man.

Anytime.

PLUM: Fuck. I don't believe
what I just fucking saw.

You know how strong
you'd have to be to do that?

- And the eyes!
- ROPER: Let me see that.

PLUM: You know how well
you'd have to see the ball

to hit it with an ax?

Fucking crazy.

You just wouldn't listen, Nez.
You wanna go half price?

We can stop now.
We can call it five bucks.

- No, no, no.
- Double or nothing.

Triple or nothing. Huh?

Yeah, you feeling lucky? I am.

I feel great with those odds.

Triple or nothing sounds fantastic.

Maybe one of the best days
of my life here, Nez.

You know, until tomorrow.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

What was that?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

DALE: You're gonna be squashed, Jake.

Ooh.

I hate this game.

It starts out easy,
and then it just gets fucking impossible.

I'm telling you.

Yeah, man, I must've wasted,
like, $200 in quarters

on this bitch last summer,

just getting reamed
by these little fuckers.

You can't win.
Once they get up on you, you're fucked.

Sounds of amateurs

who have not yet
mastered the gap method.

PLUM: What the fuck is the gap method?

JAKE: You're looking at it, Plum.

Like you were saying,
most people lose at this point

not because they get shot,
but because they get overrun.

But I discovered that they actually

don't shoot you from
the absolute front row.

- Shit, they don't?
- No.

You just gotta create
a clearing of columns.

- You see what I'm doing right there?
- Yeah.

Make your space, okay?
You just hold your ground in there.

Just gets a little hairy.

They speed up at the end. See that guy?

See how fast he's going?

All right? But you just gotta remain calm,

meet them in the middle and...

Fucking nailed that!

Fuckin A, man! Okay! Okay!

Gimme some dap! Gimme some dap!

- Oh, shit, come on.
- Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ALL: Oh!

It's the same shot every time!

- Same shot every time!
- All right. You know, um, Mac?

I... This is supposed to be fun,
and now I'm not having fun.

Well, it's not his fault. It's our fault.

Thank you.

- You can't teach this chemistry.
- You can't.

We've been together for three years!

I know where I'm going
with it before he even gets it to me.

Yeah, and I know where he wants it.

- That's special.
- FINN: Let me talk, man.

- ROPER: That ass is golden.
- Absolutely, say no more.

Whoa. Hey. The bitch stick?

Are you kidding me?

What, I'm just trying to make the shot.

Okay. Not with this you're not.

Okay, Brum, have your balls dropped?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Okay, now play like you got some
fucking semen in your sack, Brum.

Okay.

- Okay? All right.
- Okay. (CHUCKLES)

- What the hell is this?
- Please.

(GRUNTING)

- What are you doing?
- Putting it on.

- First time wearing cologne?
- No.

Get it on there, man.

Get it under your arms
and on your chest.

Don't just put it on your neck. Come on.

I don't know, man. (SNIFFS)

Too much of this smells like cat piss.

Yeah, no shit.

Trying to help you out,
and you're gonna question me?

Jesus. I'm telling you, man,
chicks dig this shit. All right?

Now you can come back here and
do the five-knuckle shuffle

all night if you want to.
I don't really care.

What's the five-knuckle shuffle?

- Jesus, freshman, figure it out, man.
- Oh. (LAUGHS)

Hey, good one, McReynolds.

You're so fucking desperate, dude.

Desperate for pussy! (LAUGHS)

(EXHALES)

This shirt makes me fucking sad, man.

Uh, what's up, guys? You lost?

(SIGHS)

Oh, I got the best cheese on campus.

I mean, girls, they come up to me
out of the blue and they say,

"You got the best cheese on campus."

JAKE: Yeah?

Sure those pants couldn't
be a little tighter there?

(EXHALING SHARPLY) Nope.

No?

What are you doing?

I'm going through your album collection.

Oh, okay, don't mind me.

ROPER: (LAUGHS) Holy shit!

Nesie, look at what I found here.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

ROPER: "2nd Team All-State."

- Yeah, so?
- You're a fucking badass!

Hey, guys! We got
a 2nd Team All-Stater among us!

- Fuck off with that shit, boy.
- (LAUGHS)

Golly gee, you're good. You're good.

Hey, I'm sure afraid
to hit off you, 2nd Team All-State.

Yeah, I'm scared. Ooh!

2nd Team All-State.

- ROPER: Scariness.
- Wait. Oh, wait.

Did I ask you guys
to be in my room right now?

No. No. Goodbye.

Well, look at you. (SCOFFS)

Nice fucking life
you got here, Joe College.

I mean, you got your whole room
to yourself for the weekend,

and you got your albums.

This is mine now.

Borrowing this.

Hey, wait. Hey, no.

Hey, you return that
with one scratch on it, Nez...

What? What?

What?

Just return my album, man.

What? What?

What?

(KNOCKS)

(SOFTLY) Ooh.

Fuck, that guy's weird.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, yeah, 95 on the gun, official.

Could've gone to anywhere in Texas.

I had a stack of offers
about that high, that high.

- Almost went to USC.
- Were you drafted?

Yeah, yeah.
The Blue Jays almost picked me up,

but I told them I'm going to college
for a couple of years.

- Good move.
- Yeah, yeah.

- You drafted?
- No.

McReynolds was.

Really?

Hmm.

PLUM: You got some moves.
Alison, right?

Like your dress.

- Blue, like your eyes.
- Baseball team.

- Shit, you like baseball, too?
- Some nice... Fuck.

Fuck it, man.

- (SIGHS) We suck tonight.
- Dude, this is getting ridiculous.

We suck so fucking hard.

I'm gonna get a drink. Man's drink!

- A real drink! (LAUGHS)
- Yeah! Yeah, do that!

Way to go!

All right. I'll see you guys in a bit.

- Right. See ya.
- Okay. All right.

God, am I the only person
living in reality here?

That I'm not gonna be
playing this game forever?

Hey, man, you gotta appreciate it
while it lasts, you know?

I mean, I'm a good college player.

But beyond that,
I'm not counting on anything.

Screwdriver!
This place is fucking awesome.

(LAUGHS)

I've been dancing up
on like five girls all night long, man.

That's not true, though.
You haven't danced with one girl yet.

Yeah, I have. Oh, yeah. Before you
got here. I was all up on 'em, man.

Hey, who's that douchebag
she's dancing with?

DALE: Oh, Thompson?
He's a football player.

What a dyke!

PLUM: Man, this is savage.
We're getting fucking hosed out here.

JAKE: Fucking sucks.

You know what?
I mean, taking account of the situation,

we're not doing so hot,
but we're in the early innings.

- We got a whole game to play.
- Yeah.

FINN: This is college, Jake, all right?

The girls can be
as big of sluts as the guys!

Make it work for you.

Hey, screwdriver! Okay?

It's not the writing of
the Magna fucking Carta!

That's a book.

Who drinks a screwdriver, anyway?

I drink a fucking screwdriver!

Everybody I know
drinks a fucking screwdriver.

You know who drinks a screwdriver?

- My little sister drinks a screwdriver too.
- Oh, really? Does she?

Does she have blue eyes
and a big ass like you? Huh?

I bet she has a big ass.

- Big mouth!
- Yeah.

(EXHALES)

Did he just flick a lime in my drink?

(EXHALES) Did he just fucking...
It's a fucking screwdriver!

You don't flick a fucking lime!

You don't have lime in a screwdriver!

Hey, motherfucker!
Let's go, fucking Pancho Villa!

I'm gonna come back there,
and I'll fucking make you my bitch, man!

Don't act like you don't like me
just because I got good hair!

Now he's giving me
the old-fashioned stare down!

All right, that's a fucking stare down!

Dude, you're staring, he's cool.

Oh, no, he's not cool!
No, he's not fucking cool!

You're back there having
a fucking good time!

I'll come show you a good time.

I'll come over the bar
and show you a good time.

- Let's go. Let's go.
- I'm not gonna do anything.

(SCREAMS)

Hey! No, you fucking stay.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Back off! Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!

MANAGER: Out of the club!
Right the fuck now! Get them out!

All baseball players
out of here! I mean it!

BOUNCER: Let's go! Come on!

Get them out! Right now. Get them out.

Don't bring him back here again,
you get me?

Let's go, boys. Let's go! Hey!

MANAGER: Keep walking.

I'm gonna fucking defend myself!

No! One more chance!

Fuck you! Fuck you, you jackoffs!

Bunch of fucking numb-nuts!

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

Suck my dick, man!

- BOUNCER: You fucking asshole!
- Stupid fucking asshole!

Don't bring your ass around here!

JAY: Bunch of fucking numb-nuts!

ROPER: What the fuck, Niles!
DALE: Well, that was ugly.

I don't know, just based on
an outsider's perspective,

totally avoidable.

JAY: Well, I'm a fucking raw dog,
all right?

Raw dog!

Anybody who fucks with me,
they don't get fucked with back!

They get fucking killed!

COMA: The only thing you killed tonight

was the prospect
of any of us getting laid!

Your fucking junkyard dog routine
from fucking Detroit

might make you feel tough,

but it's not helping out any
of your fucking teammates.

Watch that shit in the future.

It's crazy we're fucking
defending this guy.

(STAMMERS) It's all so damn tribal.

It's the pack mentality, animal instincts.

All the adrenaline!

Guys. Hey, guys. I got a new plan.

We're gonna shift our focus

from disco snatch
to country poon. All right?

No cover, free beer till 11:00
at Guaranteed Wholesome.

Okay, fucking no cover, free beer!
We can't afford not to go!

Fuck you, Sound Machine!
Let's fucking go!

- JAY: Fuck you, Sound Machine!
- Whoo!

I got seven of my bucks back!
Ha-ha! Let's do it!

ALL: No, no, no, no!

I don't know where the hell
you think you're going.

You sitting this one out
with that "raw dog" bullshit.

- Sit!
- Heel, boy. Heel, boy.

- Fetch.
- Yeah!

I get it. I get it. I get it!

I'll fucking go home.

I got shit to do. I'll do some pushups.

How's that sound?

I'll do some pushups, do some abs.
I'll come back looking awesome!

I'll read a book.

Fuck it! I'll fucking run home.

Yeah! Fuck it!

Fuck it!

Hey, check your pillows, man!

- What the fuck does that mean?
- Fuck if I know.

Fuck's that mean? Let's fucking go.

I don't know about this country bar, man.

Wait, wait, wait.

What the Charlie Pride
are you talking about?

We're just gonna do
a quick wardrobe change,

and we're there.

All right, I gotta say,

I hate all this Cotton-Eyed Joe,

"Looking for love
in all the wrong places."

What, Disco Boy now wearing
a cowboy hat and boots and shit?

- Yeah.
- It's unbelievable

that's trendy now everywhere!

Does that mean you're not going?

I didn't say that.

- (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
- (WHOOPING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT)

Crank it up, sweetheart! Come on, baby!

All right, crank it up!

Whoo!

You're not detecting
an anti-pitcher bias around here?

No, man.

- No?
- No!

- I sure as hell am.
- Mmm.

Well, let me tell you something, Jake.

It is lonely out on the bump, man.

You know, hitters,
they got no idea what that's like.

They don't know
the first thing about it, you know?

It's the most important part
of the game, hands down,

and yet it is a complete mystery to them.

Yeah, no shit,

but it's almost
like they view us as a necessary evil.

Well, yeah, man,
we kind of are, you know?

Mmm. But that doesn't
make them bad guys.

You know, they're just...
They're a little scared of us. You know?

We're fucking weird, man!
We're different!

And the trick is, what's the trick?

I don't know. Tell me.

The trick is, you can't fight it.

You gotta accept it.

You gotta fucking embrace
your inner fucking strange, man.

Just be fucking weird, you know?

And when you do that,
you bring who you are,

never who they want.

And that, my friend, is when it gets fun.

So, all of y'all play on the baseball team?

Yeah, we got all nine positions covered.

And then some.

This one,
this one loves catching our balls,

don't you, Plum?

He's an animal husbandry major.

(CHUCKLES) What?

I'm actually studying
to be a cunnilinguist.

Ooh, what's that?

It's a major you can
actually practice before graduating.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just,
you know, buried in my work,

but I feel like
it's important to give back, you know?

- DJ: Y'all know what time it is!
- Oh, my God!

It's time to grab your partner dosey-do

'cause here we come
with Cotton-Eyed Joe!

(BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE WHOOPING)

- DJ: Hey, what'd you say?
- ALL: Bullshit!

- Y'all say what?
- Bullshit!

- You're steppin' in what?
- Bullshit!

(SINGING)

(ALL WHOOPING)

- Hey, what'd you say?
- ALL: Bullshit!

- Stepped in what?
- Bullshit!

- A big pile of what?
- Bullshit!

Cotton-Eyed Joe.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

PLUM: Damn you, Jake!

- Eight up! Eight up! Let's go! Let's do it!
- JAY: Eight-eight.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Okay. Let's go!

Get the ball now.

- Whoa, fuck!
- That's for you, babe!

- It's our ball.
- Damn it!

- Detroit?
- What? What?

Ball in!

(BOTH CHEERING)

Night and day!

FINN: See, the perfect rim ingredients
keep the drink on its toes.

It simultaneously
complements then conflicts.

What I like to do
is a little sugar, cayenne pepper,

you add a little
whiskey, mmm, a little lime.

- Finn?
- Yeah?

Hey, yeah,
I just want a fucking drink, man.

Pardon me for trying
to class up the joint.

Don't get low.

(BOTH YELLING)

MAC: That's right, freshman.

Yeah, you keep up that
funky-ass spin shit.

I've got you figured out, son.

Yeah, that's just what I want.

You thinking you got me clocked,
then I set you up.

I'll let you know when I feel threatened.

(SPECTATORS EXCLAIMING)

You feeling threatened yet?

(ALL LAUGH)

All right, smartass.

- 19-17.
- Actually, it's 17 -19.

Thank you, Nesbit! 17 -19, is that better?

Uh... No, I'm scared now, but, yeah...

Can we fucking play now?

God damn it!

Glen, get your head
out of your fucking ass! Let's go!

- 20-17!
- 17 -point.

I swear to fucking God! Shut your mouth!

17 -point!

Hey, good game, man. Let's play again.

- Fuck!
- (CLATTERING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Fuck.

Stupid fucking game!

- My dad was a table...
- Fuck off.

Now I gotta put out that fucking fire.

- JAKE: That dude needs to relax.
- Thanks, Jake.

I told you so, man.

He broke the fucking paddle.
Look at that shit.

ALL: (CHANTING SOFTLY)
Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake.

Here.

Uh-oh. If things calm down,
Nez, you're next, bro.

- Fuck!
- You're up, man.

I don't think
you could use that one, though.

He does not like losing, at all!

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

Lot of Twilight Zones, man.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

Almost every single episode.

Recorded them all
over the last year or so.

JAKE: Yeah, you got that one
where the lady,

she's getting the surgery
to correct how ugly she is?

- Yeah!
- So she gets surgery,

but it turns out that she's beautiful,

and everyone else is, like, hideous.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely, dude.

- You know what that's called?
- JAKE: No.

- "The Eye of the Beholder."
- Yeah, yeah, that one.

Yeah, Season 2, Episode 5,
if I'm not mistaken.

DALE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa there, Willoughby.

There's no way
you're gonna suck that down

- in one hit, man.
- (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Yeah.
There's gonna be too much smoke.

You know, like, there's not even
enough room in your body

for the amount of smoke
there's gonna be.

Really?

Well, take notes, boys,

'cause I grew up on two rivers.

All right, I got fucking swimmer's lungs.
I'm a river rat.

And don't forget, he does have

a double chamber
cooling system on that thing.

I don't care if he grew up
on 40 fucking rivers,

it's just not happening.

(CHUCKLING) Okay.

Okay. Well, get ready.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Oh!

Oh, shit, no, no, no. Is it?

(DALE LAUGHS)

- Oh, my God.
- Un-fucking real, man.

- Shit!
- DALE: Fucking unreal.

PLUM: Super-human!

Wow, man.

Fucking mahogany rush, man.

(COUGHS)

Oh, you know,
I don't wanna be presumptuous.

I know that I only
have been here for a few days,

but I'm pretty sure that
that is a new school record.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Just...

Let's break that
school record right fucking now.

Oh, yeah? All right.

- I don't know, dude.
- Go for it, man.

God. Listen to this song.

Listen to this progression here, okay?

Listen to how it goes up.

It steps up from one moment to
another and leads you there, just...

(SCATTING)

- (COUGHS)
- Oh, yes. I mean, look,

you can play an E pentatonic
scale at 100 miles an hour

till somebody's ears burn off,
you can learn that, right?

But finding the tangents
within the framework,

therein lies the artistry, man.

You know, a fucking
bunch of dudes jump around on stage,

jerking each other off,
you know, in spandex,

isn't fucking music.

I don't know, man. I kinda like Van Halen.

Well, yeah, Plum, you do.
And you know why you do?

Because corporate America
is shoving something down your throat

and making you believe it,

because that's what
they want you to believe.

I mean, guys,
it's about finding out who you are

in the space

in-between the notes
that they're offering you.

I mean, you gotta tune in, man.
You gotta tune in.

You know, (STAMMERING)
and don't be afraid

to let the experience find you.

It's like Carl Sagan says, man,

"The beauty of a living thing
isn't about the atoms that go into it,

"it's how those atoms are put together."

I mean, language, fucking language.
What is language?

Language is a construct, man.
You know?

And we used to be telepathic.

Humans were telepathic, man.

We could just... Right here. You know?

The fucking Mayans knew it, man.

The Druids fucking knew it.

And you think
the way things are going now

that we're ever gonna get that back?

- Fucking no.
- No.

Do you guys wanna try
a little telepathic shit?

Let's do it.

Okay, lock in. Lock in.

- You locked in? All right.
- Yeah.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

- What am I thinking about?
- Baseball.

- Having a tail.
- Cereal?

Fuck.

Dude, I was thinking about sharks.

- (SIGHS) Fuck!
- I was thinking about sharks.

Sharks have tails.

That's a good point. That's a good point.

I wish I had a tail.
Fuck, that'd be awesome.

- ROPER: Oh, my God.
- Fuck you!

NEZ: I'll take one.

ROPER: Sharpshooter status, right here.

Coming at you! Coming at you!

- (EXCLAIMS)
- (EXHALES)

Been working out.

Hey! Man-child here
thinks he can take me.

Even though he knows
I'm the reigning knuckles champ.

Two years in a row. Undefeated.

Bitch.

Hey, have you noticed everything
around here's a competition, huh?

Even taking hits from bongs.
(CHUCKLES)

- Look at you, ping-pong pimp.
- Yeah!

You see that back there though?
Mac almost took my head off.

DALE: Hey, look,

if Mac wanted to
take your head off with that paddle,

he would have.

All right, man,
he just don't like losing at anything.

- None of us do.
- (VIDEO GAME BEEPS)

Fuck yeah!

Okay, look, that's just, what,
Willoughby, borderline insane?

- About there? (LAUGHS)
- Yeah, border. Borderline.

Well, you notice
how everybody was somewhat courteous

- on the first day or so?
- Yeah.

See, now the gloves are off.

All of our true
assholish nature is emerging.

Ah. Not very healthy.

DALE: Until we get out
on the field, Jakie.

This, this, all of this,

this is why we're
one of the best teams in the nation, man.

You get a bunch
of competitors together...

- Yeah.
- And you're addicted to winning.

That's a championship team right there...

- Oh, I see.
- Flicking each other's knuckles.

(NEZ EXCLAIMS)

- BRUM: All right.
- Damn!

That's all swolled up.

That's gonna be erupting
like Mount St. Helens

or some shit, man.

- (FLICKS KNUCKLES)
- (NEZ GROANS)

- BRUM: You had enough?
- (GROANS)

FINN: See, you can tell a lot
about somebody

from these stupid little competitions.

JAKE: Really?

FINN: Yeah, something's
always revealed, like...

Are you a competitor? Are you a gamer?

You know, can you find a way
to overcome all obstacles

to practically will yourself to victory.

Or, are you a...

- Fuck it!
- Quitter?

- I'm fucking done, all right!
- (LAUGHING)

- Folded like a lawn chair.
- Yup. Yup, yup, yup.

- Good game, man.
- You can't...

No, you can't beat me twice in a row!

I know that for a fucking fact!

And it's best two out of three, okay?

Them's the rule, Brums!

- Okay, man.
- Okay, all right!

- Give me my hat, all right?
- (LAUGHING)

Stop laughing, Coma!
It's not fucking funny!

Tomorrow, same time, all right?

- Sure thing.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

Stop laughing, Dale!

BRUM: Hey, you're still the champ!

NEZ: Fuck off, Brum!

You'll always be the champ, Nesie.

Shut up. Let's go.

- Hey, did you guys see me win?
- Put your fucking hands up.

PLUM: Who are these people?

Like this guy with the backpack?

And this dude on the porch?

Like, I know what we're doing here.

You know, we're playing baseball.

What are all these
other guys doing here?

COMA: Yeah, I think that, too.

Like, what would it be like
to go through life

knowing there's no way
you'd ever play pro ball?

Exactly.

All these people
never be anything more than

some dude doing some job,

just like everybody else.

Bradford!

Ha-ha!

Holy shit! Justin?

- Hey!
- What's up, man?

- How you doing?
- This is where you living?

As of right now,
but hey, don't let them know.

These are my teammates.
Plum, Finn, and Coma.

- What's going on, fellas?
- Hey, guys, this is Justin.

We used to play ball
in high school together.

- PLUM: What's up?
- What's happening, man?

Not much. But hey,
I'm loving this new look.

- Oh, yeah?
- This new 'do!

I love this. What, is it pledge week?

- Yeah. Fuck you, too.
- (CHUCKLES)

- Come on, let's get a beer. Come in.
- Yeah.

Hey, you guys want a beer? Come on.

- Why not?
- Why?

JUSTIN: This is my old
high school buddy, Jake.

Hey, you still with Gretchen?

Fuck Gretchen!

(PUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

JAKE: Hey, you gotta
walk me through this, man.

What, you just wake up
one morning just fucking... (YELLS)

Nah, man. It's as simple as this.

You go to a show,
meet a couple of cute girls,

get drunk, later that night

they're chopping bits of your hair off,
giving you real bangs. (LAUGHS)

Used to, I'd be like, "No, don't do that."

But now that I don't play

- on a team anymore...
- (HUMMING)

or I'm doing anything
particularly "respectable,"

I'm like, fuck it!

Whatever, man.

Mmm. Oh, we're going to a show soon.

Man, there are six bands in town,

some from L.A., some from Austin.

We're gonna go in a bit.
You guys wanna join?

Uh, we've got our party tonight.

Yeah, yeah,
we should probably set up for it, right?

No, it's not till later.
Yeah. No, we're just walking around,

heading to the Student Center.

Student Center? Come with us.
Come on, we'll fix you up!

You guys down for that?

Uh...

Finn?

- Of course we're down!
- JUSTIN: Yeah!

Come on, man. What about
Costello or the Talking Heads?

They're great. Devo and The Cars,

look, there's a lot of
decent stuff out there.

We got a whole
'nother thing going on around here.

This? This is ours.

(CHUCKLES) At least take
the sunglasses off, man.

You look like a fucking narc.

Hey, I don't think we really fit in here.

No, no, you don't fit in.
Okay, I told you to change.

Will you at least untuck your shirt?

You look like a Bible salesman.

These people could really use a Bible!

Got both of them.

Whoo!

- (PLAYING PUNK MUSIC)
- (SINGING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

I'm starting to have
an identity crisis here.

What are you talking about?

Look at us, man.

The last three nights,
we've danced at a disco,

total mindless disco music,

danced the Cotton-Eyed Joe
in kicker attire,

and here we are, punks for a night.

It sort of begs the question
about who we really are.

Are you insecure about the duck feet?

So insecure about the duck feet.

The duck feet look great, dude.

- Serious? Promise?
- Yeah, they look great.

Look, I'll tell you who we are.

We're a couple of guys
who are gonna do

whatever it takes to get laid.
That's who we are.

It just seems a little phony.

It's not phony. Okay? It's adaptive.

All right, think about this.

There are animals, salmon, spiders

that will literally die
in the process of mating.

I mean, what are we doing?

We're switching around
our wardrobe a little bit.

- It's camouflage!
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)

You need to stop thinking so much.

You're fucking yourself up.

Oh! Dude, look at you, man.
You're one to talk.

I actually don't think that much.

I actually don't think at all.
I just, you know, I talk a lot.

This is the jazz improv. You're invited.

FINN: Uh-oh.
JAKE: What?

FINN: Listen.

Hear that?

That's the Gilligan's Island theme song!

Yes, it is.

You can make a punk song out of that?

Coming full circle.

It's all coming around.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Are you liking it?

I'm liking it. Shall we go?

(YELLS)

ROPER: This might be our best batch.

NEZ: (LAUGHS)
This is gonna be the best ever.

That's some pussy shit.
It tastes like fruit punch.

Well, that's the sign
of a good coon dog punch, Coma.

No, no, not until Coma gets in here.

All right,

- so this is about done.
- Mmm-hmm.

What I need you to do is take that sifter,

and then pour about half of that.

- Okay.
- Just about half.

Into the bowl.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

PLUM: (CHEERING) Brain dead, let's go!

All right! Jake!
Where you fucking been, man?

What's up?

You got some catching up to do.

Get in here! You're up!

- GIRL: Go, go, go.
- (PEOPLE CHEERING)

- GIRL: Oh, my God.
- Oh! Hey! (LAUGHS)

Welcome to the fucking party, Jake!

- (GIRLS LAUGHING)
- Yeah, baby!

You know what they call me?

The raw dog. (CHUCKLES)

You wanna know why?

'Cause I'm the fucking raw dog, man.

FINN: It's not about the ingredients,

it's about the way
the ingredients make you feel.

The experience.

That's why I say, "Indulge in temptation."

I'm not watching.

(CHUCKLES)

(SLURPS)

- Are you serious?
- Ow!

(GROANS)

Okay.

Chug it, Justin! Go, go, go, go, go!

Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo!
- Yeah! Here we go.

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh!

- Yes.
- (YELLS)

WILLOUGHBY: So, where is the flag?

FINN: Right there, Volkswagen.

Oh, there's the flag.

- Ready?
- Aim...

BOTH: Fire.

Oh!

- (LAUGHS)
- Wow.

- You are a natural.
- Thank you.

- I don't know. I don't know.
- Let's go!

- (GIRL SQUEALS)
- (ALL GROANING)

Come on, no one on their
deathbed is filled with regrets

of the things they've done.

It's those things they didn't do.

You're not gonna let this be
one of those things, are you?

I guess not.

Of course not!

Yeah?

Competitors ready? Go!

(ALL CHEERING)

- Yeah.
- Go!

- BOY: Yeah!
- GIRL: Whoo!

(WHOOPING)

(YELLS)

Okay, baby!

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

(GROANING)

- Let's go!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Let's go!

(BOTH YELLING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Phone.
- What, man?

Dude, some chick on the line, man.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Said she wanted to squat on your boner.

(LAUGHING)

(MOUTHING)

- Hello?
- (DOOR CLOSES)

Hi.

Is this the guy that left
the flowers on my door?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, you're the quiet guy
in the back seat, Jake.

Yeah. Yeah. Hi.

Hi. It's the quote-unquote
"auburn-haired girl in 307."

That was just so there
wouldn't be any confusion,

but, uh, wow, I'm glad you called.
That was quick.

Yeah, no, I mean,
it was the least I could do

after you went to all that trouble.

How did you know what room I was in?

I'm an Investigative Journalism major.

(IN GERMAN ACCENT)
I have very special ways.

So, uh, I guess you know my name then.

Yes. As soon as you tell me.

Huh. Well, Jake, it's so interesting,
'cause I feel like there...

Investigative Journalism
is not an official major here,

but my name is Beverly.

Hello, Beverly.

Hey. So, what do you study?

What, the old
"What's your major" question?

Is that really what you're asking me?

I don't know.

Hey, that's not really fair.

I took special care.
I didn't say that word, okay?

I'm just... I'm curious. Maybe you study

poetry, with that...
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

charming Rod McKuen bit
you quoted in your note.

Ah, I'm pretty sure that'd be Whitman.

I was just testing you. You pass.

A. A-minus.

So, what do you, uh,
concentrate on here?

I concentrate on
theater and dance, performing arts.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

That's so cool, wow.

What do you do? I mean,
you didn't really answer me.

You just made fun of me.

Oh, I'm, uh, I'm on the baseball team.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- No.
- Yeah.

You don't really seem like it.

Seem like what?

(STAMMERS)

Aren't most athletes kind of...

- Kind of dumb?
- No, no, no.

No, not dumb necessarily.

Single-minded, and...

- Okay, dumb.
- You know, actually,

there's probably
the same ratio of intelligence

on my baseball team
as there is anywhere else.

Which isn't very much.

Unfortunately true.

- Hey, Jake.
- Yeah?

I kinda hate talking on the phone
for extended periods of time.

It feels so high school.

- Yeah. Yeah, I know.
- Right? Yeah.

Yeah, and now that
I've determined I don't really think

you're the Hillside
Strangler anymore, um...

I think.

Do you, uh, maybe wanna continue
this conversation in person?

- I don't know.
- Yeah.

- Yeah? Okay.
- Yeah.

Well, I'm around
for the next couple of hours. Oh...

Out, actually, for the rest of the day
and most of the night, though.

Okay, so should I come over
like right now?

If you want.

Cool, yeah, okay.

I'll head over pretty soon then.

Okay. Pretty soon. Then I'll see you then.

- Okay, cool. Yeah, see you.
- Pretty soon.

Okay.

(SOFTLY) Fuck.

So, what's your strategy?
What's the game plan?

Don't tell me you're flying blind
into this thing.

Dude, I don't know. I mean, she's cool.

She's smart, you know?

Not one of these airheads
we got running around here.

Okay. Well, then just
don't come across like a dumb jock.

All right, her antennas are out.

She's gonna be
looking for signs of dip-shitification.

Yeah. You trying to make me nervous?

No, like they say, pressure's a choice.

Well, you gotta approach it like
getting out on the mound,

taking an at bat. Yeah.

Put everything else out of your mind.

Hey, Coma.

Just let natural ability take over.

Mmm-hmm.

Assuming, you know,
you have natural ability.

Ah. A, fuck you. B, bye.

Ah. C, she say
if her roommate's gonna be there?

(GRUNTS) D, I don't know. Why?

E, 'cause I think I'm gonna, you know,

grant her the old Finnegasm.
Here, I'm coming with you.

- No, F that and you.
- No, Jake, Jake!

Come on, Jake!

Just trying to help you! Ungrateful kid.

Coma, wake up!

- Hey.
- Hi, Jake.

- Wanna come in? Okay.
- Sure. Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

BEVERLY: Rock 'n' roll isn't about being

glamorous or hip, it's a force.

It's a revolutionary,
political, sexual and poetic force.

Yeah.

You're not one
of those guys that thinks that

Jim Morrison is still alive, are you?

- Uh, no.
- Good.

Why?

I found it to be a good litmus test.

(WHISPERING) Any other litmus tests?

(CHUCKLING) Not at the moment.

So, you were really good
at baseball in high school?

Yeah. I mean, every guy here

was the baddest guy
on his high school team.

You know, that's a big
adjustment to make.

You want a Dr. Pepper?

No, no, I'm all right, thanks.
(INHALES SHARPLY)

You know, not only
are you not the best guy on the team,

you know, you're barely even
good enough to be here.

Yeah.

You know?

It's a little intimidating.

What about you?
You play any sports in high school?

No. We didn't even have any sports, no.

- No?
- No.

But it's the same thing that you're saying
with the performing arts.

Everybody here was the best
in their high school,

got the lead in every play,

and now we're just gonna be
hoping to get cast in anything.

And there's a lot of talent around.

Yeah. Yeah.
Where did you go to high school?

HSPVA.

Which, although it sounds
like a venereal disease...

Yeah.

It's actually High School for
Performing and Visual Arts.

- Like the one in Fame?
- Kind of.

We weren't spontaneously
performing in the streets

in large groups or anything,

but we were so ridiculous.

Like, the theater kids
would be hysterically crying

in the bathroom stalls,

visual artists like (SNORTS)
anything they could find.

Dancers... (RETCHING)

And musical theater kids...

La-la-la!

It was so fun, I loved it!

Yeah, I loved it.

And it was a great place
to be able to cultivate the thing

that you loved most in life, you know?

So you're really serious.

Yeah, I'm moving to New York
the second I graduate.

- Really?
- Yeah. God, I can't wait.

So, what's this thing you're doing later?

Oh...

Helping decorate for a party at Oz.

Mmm. What's Oz?

This big house just outside of town,

where a lot of theater majors live.

And apparently the party's
a first weekend tradition.

They, like,
recruited us freshmen to help set up.

- Probably do the shit work.
- Nice.

Um, you could
probably come, if you want.

- Cool. Yeah, cool.
- Yeah, might be fun.

I mean, we have our first practice
this afternoon, but yeah.

Yeah, it sounds great.

Cool.

Is it baseball season now?

Mmm-mmm.

Okay. Well, when do you stop,
like, rehearsals

and start doing the actual game?

Well, the official season
doesn't start till the spring,

but we got a big fall schedule.

- Uh-huh.
- It's just a players-only practice

to kick things off.

Oh, you know, it's kind of
a dress-up party tonight.

You could come all sweaty
and in your uniform.

People might think
you're method, I don't know.

Might be a hit with the ladies.

Now I definitely gotta be there.

(LAUGHS)

FINN: You're seriously trying?

NEZ: No, not right now, but I can't do it.

FINN: It's impossible. I...

NEZ: I've never been able to do it.

FINN: I know a lot about the human body,

and I've never seen anything like that.

ROPER: Watch this.
You ready? Try to move.

(NEZ GRUNTING)

FINN: We all tried it.
ROPER: No. It's impossible.

Oh. What's up, dude? You gotta see this.

What is it?

It's this physiological phenomenon.

You close your eyes
and somebody places a thumb

below the chest bone in the solar plexus,

semi-paralyzes the whole upper torso.

- He can't sit up.
- That's ridiculous.

- From here to here.
- Go on, show me.

Dude, the whole team's tried it.

- Try it again, Nesbit.
- Okay.

- (GROANS)
- (LAUGHING)

Nope. I'm telling you,
it's absolutely impossible.

JAKE: It's a thumb
on your fucking chest, Nesbit.

- ROPER: You can't, no.
- Get up.

I wanna give it a shot.

I'm just saying, you can't do it.

I know, he thinks he can. All right.

Make sure and close your eyes,

'cause that shuts down the spinal.

Okay, so shut up.

- Shut your eyes...
- Mmm-mmm.

- (EXHALES)
- and on the count of three,

finger in the solar plexus,
count of three, try to sit up.

One, two, three.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Good job, baby! Good job!

(WHOOPING)

That's what I'm talking about, man!

- FINN: Beautifully played.
- Oh!

The hiney was flawless.

(LAUGHS)

It all comes down to how well you sell it,

'cause when he was coming in,

I was saying "impossible,"
and then when you put the...

- And I was like... (GRUNTS)
- "What is he doing?"

- The leg stuff.
- How does that happen?

Hey, at least it was
before practice, all right?

'Cause had it been after practice,

who knows what fucking sweaty
and encrusted items

I might've encountered
up your ass crack.

You're a freshman, too.
Not supposed to be hazing me.

Hey, Jake, man, I'm sorry, all right?

They made me do it.

They just got me five minutes ago.

I'm sorry.

Hey, and, you,

with all your physiological
phenomena bullshit.

Okay, you know, we all take turns
being chumps around here.

Now, you accept your chumpification,

you wear it well, and you pass it on.

It's all you can do.

Well, well, well,
if it ain't Beuter Perkins! Hey!

Speaking of.

ROPER: Hey, Beuter!

MAC: Beuter Perkins!

All right now, boys,
it's Billy Autrey, okay?

Did you give her
two solid inches, Beuter?

Hey, so, Pops, you pick out a name yet?

- No, sir. She got the rag.
- ALL: Aww!

Really? No fucking way!

- Hey, what's wrong with Jacob?
- (JAKE GROANS)

- Oh, you gotta see this.
- Yeah.

It's this physiological phenomenon.

You close your eyes,
and somebody places

their finger below the chest bone,
in the solar plexus,

it semi-paralyzes the whole torso.

- (JAKE GRUNTS)
- Impossible to move.

- How about that?
- Hey, Beut, you gotta try this.

One of them old phenomegans, huh?

(STRAINING) I can't. Fucking I can't.

BEUTER: I'll let you boys
deal with that hocus-pocus junk.

NEZ: Isn't that how you always fuck?

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Rally back.

(GRUNTS) So, how'd it go
with the Beverly chick?

PLUM: Yeah, man, you get it in?

She's cool, you know?

Went about as well as it could've.

Probably meeting up with her
at a party later tonight.

What? What party?

It's just something
for a bunch of performing arts majors.

You know, at someone's
house out of town.

Oh.

Everybody up!

Right arm cross.

All right, fellas,
who's gonna be the first poor fuck

to take batting practice off Jay Niles

and his 95-mile-an-hour fastball?

BRUM: The fuck is wrong with that guy?

PLAYER 1: I'm not doing it.

BRUM: He doesn't throw 95.
PLAYER 2: No.

JAY: Get out of my way.

- Hey, man, I'm doing it, huh?
- (CHAIN-LINK FENCE RATTLING)

What? Let's go!
Come on! What'd you say?

BRUM: Guy's a fucking loon.

Whoo!

Willoughby! Come over here.

Get all your stuff.

PLAYER: What the hell?

PLUM: What's going on?

Well, boys,

here for a good time,
not a long time, right?

- What does that mean?
- I don't know.

Get your ass ready. Let's go.

- Oh, Jesus Christ, not this psychopath.
- DALE: Oh, shit.

Here you go, Plum.

MAC: This'll be interesting.

PLAYER: What is that?
PLUM: What is he doing?

(GRUNTS)

Did he just throw the ball
in the fucking parking lot?

- (BALL CLATTERING)
- Yeah. There it goes.

- What the fuck?
- JAY: Let's go!

- I'm ready. Get in the box.
- Jeez, let's not.

FINN: Go get him, kid.

Guy's gonna have a fucking aneurysm
on the mound.

Fucking looney tune.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah!

Jesus fucking Christ, damn it.

It's batting practice.

COMA: Hit it to me!
The ball's coming to me!

- Oh, yeah.
- Fuck this. I'm done.

Fuck this guy.

- Fucking nutjob. Ridiculous.
- You don't want any more?

All right.

PLUM: Fucking batting practices.

Don't fuck it up, man. Let's go.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Yeah.

(GRUNTS)

That's strike one.

- Hey, Detroit!
- Yeah?

Those fucking goggles,
you can't use those to read?

The schedule says "batting practice."

Scrimmage is later. What the fuck, man.

Yeah. All right, well, I'm not afraid

to get this over with
right here, right now.

(LAUGHS)

Get what over?

I'm a fucking pro prospect, too,
and you know it.

Oh.

I'm not afraid to challenge you, man.

And everybody else on this team.

And I'm not afraid to stick it in
and break it off from day one!

All right?

Okay, meat,

you wanna try to make
that starting rotation

on your first BP session, huh?

Be my guest.

Practice like you play, man.

Shut his fucking mouth.

- (JAY GASPS)
- PLAYER 1: Whoo-hoo!

PLAYER 2: Yeah.

PLAYER 3: Good hit, McReynolds. Wow.

I think you've had enough, raw dog.

That the best shit you got?

That ain't close to touching 90, son.
Who you fooling?

Go get that ball,
I'll fucking sign it for you.

Oh, yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
Real funny, man. Real funny.

You know, it's first day
of practice, all right?

- Just warming up.
- Mmm-hmm.

JAY: You know,
I will go get the fucking ball.

You know what I'll do?

I'll shove it up your ass and I'll sign it!

How's that sound?

Yeah, hey, you know what,
do what you do best, Niles,

keep running that fucking mouth,

'cause it makes you feel better, right?

You get your teammates
in a fight and kicked out

of a bar, 'cause you wanna
look fucking tough?

You're fucking selfish, man!
It's about the team here!

It's not about you! Go fuck yourself.

JAY: You know what, man?
I only know 150%, all right?

You want me on the mound!

You know I'm a fucking
ballplayer, all right?

You don't get it!

Fuck!

Too fucking philosophical for this shit.

Fucking balls.

Fuck that shit.

PLAYER 1: Yeah.
PLAYER 2: Whoo!

PLAYER 3: Way to go! Run, run, run!

(PLAYERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey, where's my helmet at?

It's the one with
the three scratches on the bill.

It's my good luck helmet.
You know what I'm talking about, Finn.

It's the one with
the three scratches on the bill.

There's five helmets right there.

Yeah, grab a helmet
and get in the box. Come on.

PLAYER: Hey, batter up!

Might as well put
a strikeout down in the books, fellas.

Why is the.230 hitter always
the most superstitious?

News flash, it's not working.
Get some new superstitions.

You got superstitions.

No, I have routines.

Big difference.

- No.
- Superstitions are

a holdover from primitive humans

finding simple reasons
for things they don't understand.

- Oh, yeah.
- Verifiably a complete waste

of mental capacity in this day and age.

I'm just saying, in a deterministic event,

such as hitting a baseball,

there actually is a strict
relation between cause and effect.

Now, superstition, it's bringing a...

A probabilistic framework
and projecting meaning

onto a completely random sequence.

Hmm.

- PLAYER: Yeah!
- (PLAYERS APPLAUDING)

FINN: See, we can deduce from that,

that the lucky helmet
was probably not the factor

in Coma's ability to get a hit

because he was just able
to do so without it.

The question now will be
if this new, random helmet

now becomes Coma's lucky helmet.

- Exactly.
- DALE: Whoo! Whoo!

What's happening, boys?

Attaboy, Dale.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hey, Coma, Pete Ward
just saw your first hit, man.

- Pete Ward's here? Yeah, baby.
- ROPER: Oh, yeah.

Who's Pete Ward?

Legendary super scout for the Reds.

Master of disguise.

Yeah, yeah, he never wants
people to know he's watching,

so he'll disguise himself somehow.

Anybody spotted him?

Ah, give me a second.

ROPER: Anybody? Come on. Finn?

- Finn, don't disappoint me.
- Give me a second.

Come on, it's right
in front of you, brother.

(SCOFFS)

Out there past the right field fence,

painting the trim on the house.

- Whoo! Good spot, bro!
- Wow.

Thank you. Thank you.
Give me my adoration.

FINN: How's that for incentive?

First scrimmage game,
not even an official practice,

we already got
the scouts here checking us out.

Welcome to the big time, boys.

PLUM: Fucking A, man.

That's what I'm talking about.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

All right, boys, let's go!

- Hey, Bradford.
- Yeah.

- You warm?
- Yeah.

You're on the hill. Plum, you're catching.

- All right, go get 'em, Jake.
- Let's go, fellas.

You got it. Attaboy.

(EXHALES)

McReynolds.

Uh...

Good hit.

We're cool.

- Strike!
- BRUM: Come on, Plum.

Man, that's strike three.

Come on, Plum, we're friends, man.

That's strike three. Dude, just sit down.

Friends don't strike out friends,

especially when we're freshman friends.

Fucking swing the bat, man.

You're making us look bad.
Just sit down.

You wanna rub
your strikeout on me, man? Jesus.

PLUM: What's up, Mac?

Don't talk to me when I'm hitting.

Yes, sir. (EXHALES)

All right, freshman ping-pong champ.

Let's see what you got, kid.

PLUM: Here we go, Jake.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Strike. 0-1?

Make it 0-2.

0-2?

- Yeah.
- 0-2!

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Two, two, two, two! Ball's in the gap!

PLAYER 1: Get two, McReynolds,
get two.

PLAYER 2: There we go.

ROPER: Attaboy, Mac!

That's what I'm talking about.

DALE: Sweet double, McReynolds!

- PLAYER: Good hit, Mac!
- Hey, nice hit.

Welcome to college ball, freshman.

All right, boys.
All right, bring it up, bring it up!

If I look good, I fucking play good.

All right, listen up, good first practice.

All right? This is where it all starts.

We're out here,
ahead of all the other teams

in the country,
and we're gonna keep it that way

and work hard all year, right?

- (ALL CHEERING)
- Yeah!

- All right then, boys, y'all be good.
- Uh-uh-uh!

Not so fast.

We have a little tradition out
here welcoming in the new guys.

It's called a little bit of freshmen...

ALL: Batting practice!

(VETERAN PLAYERS WHOOPING)

Whoo!

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, gosh!

Fuck!

Oh, my nuts!

Let's go, boys! Come on!

Oh, fuck!

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: (CHANTING)
Dale! Dale! Dale! Dale!

PLUM: That was not good.

Say cheese, baby!

Whoo!

Say cheese!

(PLAYERS SHOUTING)

That's how we do it.

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

(CHEERING)

FINN: Whatever, girls.

BEUTER: Did you get hit, Jacob?

JAKE: Yeah, man.
They got me on the wrist,

and they almost knocked me in the nuts.

Shoot, man.
They got me on the shoulder with one,

but, hey, they said a few years back,

one ol' boy got hit in the head

and nearly knocked
his eyeball out of its socket.

- Is that enough for you? Okay.
- Yes. Yes.

Gotta get some meat
on that boy's bones.

Hey.

What are you doing here?
I thought you'd graduated.

Look, maybe it just feels
like I've been here too long.

- You have.
- (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Jacob.

JAKE: What?

Unreal, doggie, we made it!

This isn't what I was expecting at all.

Well, what were you expecting, Beuter?

Shoot, man, it's just,
you know, I tell you,

it's kind of confusing.

Well, what's confusing, Perkins?

Well, besides your ever-changing name.

Good grief, guys, come on now.

All right, look, y'all, so a buddy of mine
told me that last year,

one of his professors
in them scientific classes

told him that there's no historical proof

Jesus Christ ever existed.

Who gives a turd
what some egghead professor says?

Seems like there's a lot of stuff

going on around here, you know?

Just lots of different types of stuff

and temptations, and things like that.

- Beuter.
- Yes, sir.

Are you prepared to
fold like a lawn chair?

Private Beuter, are you prepared

to fold like a lawn chair?

Sir, no, sir.

Good! Then don't.

I'll give you freshmen a little advice

on how to get your shit together, okay?

You're at a new level here.

You're pissing in the tall grass
with the big dick dogs now.

Hell, you got 21,
22-year-old guys over there

who, at this stage, see you as someone
trying to take their position.

But what you limp cocks
don't seem to realize

is that you have
not earned teammate status yet.

And until you do, you're nobody.

And not only do those guys
not give a fuck about you,

they would love to watch
every single one of you fail.

I already told you, Jake,
this ain't high school, man.

You guys
aren't the All-Stars you thought you were

back from wherever the hell
it is you came from.

Here, you're on your own.

And it's competitive, man.

So, shit, if you wanna succeed,

really succeed, the only choice you have

is to mentally toughen the fuck up.

- Yes, sir.
- Temptation, my asshole.

Temptation his asshole?

Dude, did you guys hear?

BOTH: What?

Willoughby's gone!

- ROPER: What?
- (LAUGHS) Busted!

What, weed?

PLUM: Nah, dude.

He's 30! Like, he's 30 fucking years old!

- Thirty!
- Like a three and a zero.

- Oh, no fucking way.
- No, sir.

NEZ: Yes, sir!
No, no, no! Get this, get this.

Willoughby isn't even his real name.

Dude, it's like a secret identity!

NEZ: Yeah, no,
the registrar's office discovered it.

They were looking up
on some transfer hours

that looked fishy.

They'd been investigating it for a while,

and told the coach this afternoon.

That's what that was all about.

- No way.
- Dude, what?

Yeah. No, not only that,

but they think
he's been doing this to other colleges.

- Transferring, playing ball.
- Is he still here?

Nah, man. We just went by the house.

Van's gone, he's gone.

All his shit's gone, man.

He just left one thing, man.

In the middle of our room,
he left a Pink Floyd album

and a big-ass joint on top.

We smoked it!

(ALL LAUGH)

You know, he's probably just a guy

that wasn't quite good enough
to play pro ball,

but he loved baseball
and he just wanted to keep playing.

And living the college life.

Maybe that, too.

He's not a bad guy. He just got caught.

I liked him.

- Good pitcher, too.
- Oh, yeah.

Brum!

How's this?

Let's see. Oh, shit.

It's one card away
from a Saskatchewan straight.

- You know what that is?
- What?

You might as well show 'em.

- How bad is it?
- It's bad.

ALL: Oh!

What is it?

It's called a Manitoba Moose.

- You're fucked, Brum.
- What?

Well, the rules state that,

if you ever wanna play this game again...

If you wanna stay on this team, bro.

I do.

You have to fly to Winnipeg,

you have to drive
to Caribou River Park Reserve

in Manitoba,

you have to walk out on the tundra,

you have to find a moose,

carefully get under said moose...

You gotta suck its dick.

(SCOFFS)

Really?

MAC: (LAUGHS) Yeah.

- Happened once before.
- Wait, really?

He was a good guy.

He was a great guy.

Anyway, you guys all pass?

Yeah, that's it, man.

Oh, take off, you hosers!
It's a Winnipeg Flip!

(SINGING) O Canada!

Our home and native land!

True patriot love...

What the fuck game are they playing?

JAKE: I mean, they say
it's called "O Canada,"

but I'm pretty sure
they're just making it up

as they go along, you know?

Like most things
with these guys, it's total bullshit.

But why, you know?

It's more about seeing
how witty they can be.

Like that whole Pete Ward thing.

What do you mean,
"the Pete Ward thing"?

- Pete Ward.
- What about him?

The super scout for the Reds?
Master of disguise?

- They made all that up, too.
- PLUM: Yeah?

Are you trying to... Pete Ward ain't real?

Oh, come on.

Hey, guys, guys,
Plum and bitch boy think

Pete Ward's real. (LAUGHS)

What are you implying?

Yeah, Jake.

Who are you to say he isn't real?

Yeah, "bitch boy."

Okay, he's real.

Hey, Jake, you're still not
saying where that party is.

ROPER: What party?

Jake's got a big party tonight.

Supposed to meet up
with this hot dancer-actress chick,

but he doesn't want us to be there.

Hey, hold on, hey, I'm not saying
you guys can't come, all right?

Did I say that? No.

I just implied you guys
might be bored, that's all.

Dancer chicks have great asses.

Now, that's a fact, I know that.

Let me get this straight. A freshman

is trying to stop us
from, from going to a party, is that...

It's not even that we're
not invited to this party,

- he just doesn't want us to go.
- Mmm...

Did I ever say that? No, okay?

I was just implying that
this party might not be

your guys' cup of tea,
but, I mean, fuck it,

you guys can come with me if you want.

(ALL REFUSING)

I don't wanna embarrass you
in front of all your new

artsy-fartsy theater major friends.

We're gonna stay here,

we're gonna play cards, you have fun.

Give me a fucking break.
Finn. Finn. Finn.

- Hey, come on, look at me.
- Don't do it.

- Hey, look at me. Look at me.
- Don't look.

Stay strong.

All right, I beg you. No, I implore you

- to come to this party.
- (SIGHS)

All right, I realize that
I wouldn't know how to make it

through this world without
all of your unsolicited wisdom.

And all you guys' constant fuckwithery.

What do you say?

You don't really mean that.

I wouldn't say it if I didn't.

Can you give us a moment?

Of course I can.

- (WHISPERING) Your call.
- I wanna go.

- Theater party.
- Theater party.

ALL: Theater party!

Guys, were we supposed
to wear a costume?

ROPER: You are in costume,
of a dipshit.

(GASPS) Oh, shit,
it's the Led Zeppelin dude.

Yo, what's happening, man?

FINN: It's creepy!
ROPER: Tell me about it.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Holy shit.

The inside is even weirder.

- This ain't no frat party.
- (WHISTLES)

Here's what we're gonna do.

Feel the freak!

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

Dude, how great is this?

Cha-chao!

Hey, girls, how you doing? I'm Roper.

Hey, Brum, go get some drinks, man.

(PLUM WHISTLES)

(MEOWS)

PLUM: Fuck!

- Did you see that?
- JAKE: What?

PLUM: A fucking cat.

Cats shouldn't be in fridges.

(POP MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Best costume ever. Amazing.

- Jake! Hey! Hi!
- Hey! Hey!

- You're blonde!
- I know. (GIGGLES)

I'm really glad you came.

Except for, I think... This one.

Yeah, you need this. Yeah.

JAKE: Yeah?

Hi. I'm Debra Kadabra.

What are you gonna do with that?

(GASPS)

And now, I can officially
welcome you to Oz.

Hi, guys. I'm Beverly.

- BRUM: Hi, Beverly.
- Good to see you.

Three words,

thoroughly equipped dungeon.

- (WHIPS)
- (GRUNTS)

Can I borrow you
for something really quickly?

'Cause someone dropped out,
and it's really easy,

and it's gonna be really fun.

- Yeah. Sure.
- Okay.

Well, I gotta go inside
for a second, but I'll see you soon.

- Cool.
- Okay.

- (WHIPS)
- DEBRA: Ooh!

(GROWLS)

He's being modest.

Not only is he
a pre-season All-American,

you're gonna be seeing
this guy on TV someday.

Now, this guy,

this guy's the best
third baseman in the state!

Like a fucking
vacuum cleaner down there, man.

Fuck that.
We're taking that shit this year.

It's this year.

Hey, that's what I'm talking about, man.

Fuck losing the playoffs.
We're taking it all this year.

GIRL: You're into astrology?
FINN: Of course.

GIRL: So, you've had your chart done?

Oh, yeah. It's fascinating.

- I'm a Leo.
- Uh-oh.

Yeah, I know, I know.
A little full of myself.

Hmm.

- But I'm very loyal...
- Mmm-hmm.

Confident...

Right.

The chart says I'm overly confident,
but the truth is (INHALES)

- I wound easily.
- (SNICKERING)

It also says I'd make
a great father someday,

but I don't know.

(LAUGHING) You gotta
be shittin' me, man!

You wound easily, poor Finnegan.

Astrology? Mr. Cause-and-
Effect Rationalist? (LAUGHS)

Who are these guys?

Oh, excuse us. Uh, I'm a Scorpio.

- I'm Jake.
- Don't do it.

Has he told you about his average cock?

(JAKE LAUGHING)

Has he told... Finn!
Did you tell her, Finn?

Did you tell her?

(MIMICS GIRL) "Hey, so have you had
your chart done?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm a Leo.
You know, very confident..."

You know what, if I had a prohibition
against sleeping with all women

who believed in astrology,

I'd still be a virgin, all right?

- I'm being practical.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

I'd rather die a virgin
than say my chart says

I'll make a good father someday.

Just because you guys
are laying bricks with the ladies,

you know, I stepped up.

I was talking her language,
I was meeting her on her level.

Instead of making fun of me,
you should be taking notes.

- Hmm.
- Yeah?

And by the way,
she was really fucking cute.

She was really fucking cute,

and you immature jerkoffs
just fucked up my whole rap!

Coming around talking shit like that.

You know what, your little...

Fucking little jealous asshole crap

just pulling me back in the boiling pot!

Oh, Finn, come on!

By the way, you know what?

Have you noticed,
whenever we're around baseball,

all we talk about is pussy.

Now, we're actually around a few
potentially interesting young women,

all you talk about is baseball!

It's a little fucked up!

(MOCKING FINN)

BEVERLY: (IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Bachelor number three,

what would be your dream date
and your dream girl?

My dream girl and my dream date.

- BEVERLY: Yes.
- That's a very tough question.

Um, I suppose my dream girl
would come bearing tea

and special crumpets,

preferably in the bed, as well.

And we could get hopped up
on the tea and the crumpets.

- Is this the Mad Hatter?
- MAD HATTER: Yes.

Curious and curiouser.

Bachelor number one!

- Oh, yes!
- BEVERLY: Yes.

- Um, hello.
- QUEEN: Oh, hello.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Uh, give me your best pick-up line.

(LAUGHS)

Would you like to come see
my large collection of heads,

so that I can give you some?

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

(WHISPERING) Is the
Queen of Hearts a dude?

QUEEN: Ooh, a good one.

(LAUGHING)

Red Queen, very interesting.

Oh, that wasn't for you, sweetie.

BEVERLY: Bachelor number two!

What is the most trouble
you've ever gone to, to meet a girl?

Bachelor number two? Are you there?

I'm... I'm late!

I'm late for a very important date.

- BEVERLY: Ah!
- (PLAYERS CHEERING)

BEVERLY: Ah!

All right, Mr. Rabbit.

It must've been awfully important like...

Like a party or something.

Yeah, totally.

(LAUGHS)

All right then.

Bachelor number one.

You've just invited me over
for dinner, haven't you?

307, right?

- The feminist.
- Mmm.

What, no speech?

(CLICKS TONGUE) No.

I'm kind of the silent type, you know?

BEVERLY: What's one kiss from...

That is so sexy.

MAD HATTER: Priceless.
BEVERLY: Priceless, is it?

Okay, being completely honest...

Uh-oh.

When you said you liked
the quiet guy in the back seat best,

was it just a line
to piss off the other guys in the car,

or was it true?

- Why do you ask?
- I'm curious.

You're curious about what?

You know, we all make up this
romantic crap in our heads.

I'm just looking for some kind of...

I think it's a little bit of both.

What does that mean?

(SIGHS) Did I

think that the quiet guy
in the back seat was cute?

Yes.

Okay.

Would I have walked up to you

in a crowd, completely alone,
unprovoked, by the way,

and said that? No.

So, my obnoxious teammates
actually helped me on this one?

- I think they did.
- Shit!

They're good for something after all.

I was definitely messing with them,
but I meant what I said.

Don't make me say it again.

(LAUGHS)

BEVERLY: Is this your
first-choice school, or...

No, I applied to a few,
but this was the best school

that also offered me a scholarship.

You mean, you had to, like,
write a bunch of essays

and all that fun stuff?

- Just one.
- Oh. What'd you write about?

The topic was to take a Greek myth
and relate it to your own life.

So you wrote about Aphrodite
and being a baseball slut.

- Kind of.
- (CH UCKLES)

Shit. No. Uh...

I just took Sisyphus and baseball,

and just kinda... (CLICKS TONGUE)

You wrote about that for your essay...

How did you even, like...
(CLICKS TONGUE)

those two things together?

Yeah, I did, believe it or not.

I mean, the point
of the whole thing is that

the gods intend for Sisyphus
to suffer, right?

Right.

Well, my point was that
they'd actually blessed him

with something to focus on, you know,

something that he could
potentially find meaning in.

You know, it's a gift to be
striving at all, you know,

even if it looks futile to others.

Yeah, that's true.

I mean, yeah,
it's ridiculous to roll a boulder

up a mountain over
and over and over again,

but so is everything else in life.

When you really think
about it, especially a game.

Things only mean as much
as the meaningfulness

that we allow them to have.

That's where I tie it in to baseball.

Just accepting whatever
comes my way, you know?

Good, bad, doesn't matter.

What matters is just getting
in that groove

where the whole world kinda goes away,

and I'm just doing what
I'm supposed to be doing.

I feel the same way about performing.

It's putting yourself
out there in art, in life,

just participating.

Yeah.

Having the guts to look fucking stupid.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

It's kind of beautiful, isn't it?

What?

That we get to feel passion in this world,

you know, about anything.

And I like you.

I like you, too.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- (CHUCKLES)
- A little bit.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ZIPPING UP)

(METAL CLANKING)

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You up?
- Yeah.

- I'm up.
- Yeah.

- My cupcake. Come on.
- (LAUGHS) I can't.

Come on.

What class do you have first up?

History. You?

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- English.

- I think I'm here.
- Here?

Yeah. Where's your English class?

It's over in Jones.

- All rightie.
- Okay.

So, I'll talk to you soon?

Yup.

Bye. Call me later?

I will.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

DALE AND FINN:
(CHANTING) Jake! Jake!

- Jake! Jake! Jake!
- Jake! Jake! Jake!

Ah...

Mi amigos de fuckwithery!

How can I amuse you this morning?

That was adorable. Just the whole like...

I think I got a tear in my eye, Jakie.

- FINN: Oh, my goodness.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

Ah, we noticed that you never
made it home last night.

Hmm?

- Are we to suppose...
- Oh, we're supposing.

Look, it's cool, guys.
All right. We had a nice time.

- Oh, "a nice time"?
- Oh, man, I know...

I like her.

- He likes her.
- He likes her.

You like her! Oh, God, Jake!

Oh...

Don't you guys have class or something?

You know what, I do have class.

But I go to class when I say I go to class.

You go to class.

I want a full report on my desk
by the end of the day.

Bibliography! Annotated! Highlighted!

Jake!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Cho!

(SIGHS)

It sounds like you rocked it last night.

How'd you do?

(CHUCKLES) Not bad.

Ended up with that tall chick
in the leather, you know,

- Debra Kadabra?
- Yeah?

Yeah, she's a senior.

BOTH: Yeah!

You know, she's not, like,
actually a dominatrix.

I didn't get beat up or anything.

- Oh, cool.
- That was just a costume.

Yeah, we had ourselves a good ol' time.

Nice, man.

Who's this fuck?

JAKE: I, uh, think that's our professor.

PLUM: This guy?
JAKE: Yeah.

PLUM: No shit.
JAKE: Mmm-hmm.

You know what, man, I got outta there
about 6:00 in the morning.

Shit, if I wasn't still drunk,
I think I'd be fucking dead.

Yeah, me, too, man.

It's gonna be a long fucking day.

Yeah, but a good year.

I can tell, man.

Shit.

Welcome to college, motherfuckers.

(SIGHS)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(SINGING) ♪ I'm Rope a Dope
A proud Cherokee ♪

♪ I stay busy chopping girls' cherry trees ♪

♪ I'll show you my buns if the booze is free ♪

♪ Hands on the wheel
and fondue my cheese ♪

♪ Hey, ladies
please pass me another ♪

♪ I'm not a rubber lover glover
I don't need no love buffer ♪

♪ I'ma do like Pete Ward
and go undercover ♪

♪ Make a sister leave a brother ♪

♪ We goin' make a little trouble ♪

(EXHALES)

You're the new guy?

MAN: Dale Douglas!

♪ Flier than a Cutlass Supreme ♪

♪ Southeast Texas Cherokees
We the team ♪

♪ Finn, me, and Coma
We got Mac in between ♪

♪ Number one position players
Make these girls wanna scream ♪

♪ Wakin ' up in a dream
Lucid so sweet ♪

♪ We make you toothless
To put it plain and simple ♪

♪ We the cream of the crop ♪

♪ Cherokees are never leavin '
the top... Douglas ♪

♪ My name is Willoughby
I know the master plan ♪

♪ I got the sun and the stars
In the palm of my hand ♪

♪ Carl Sagan knows
the universe is eternal ♪

♪ I'm gonna burn this down
till my brain's a kernel ♪

♪ Dr. Finnegan, so epicurean
Indulge in the BMOC ♪

♪ There's only one thing bigger than my IQ ♪

♪ And it stops around my knee ♪

♪ Let me drop a Finnegism
and make a Finnegasm ♪

♪ Expand the universe
Make it shudder and spasm ♪

♪ 'Cause when you party like a savage ♪

♪ Speak like a poet ♪

♪ You cha-chao
before you even know it ♪

♪ Hey, guys
The name's Alex Brumley ♪

♪ I'm gonna break it to you fresh ♪

♪ All the guys around here punch me ♪

♪ 'Cause they know that I'm the best ♪

♪ It's my first days of college ♪

♪ I'm just trying to fit in ♪

♪ So won't you come with me
and please be my friend? ♪

- Please?
- Brumley, shut the fuck up!

♪ Now, I'm Nesbit
No shame with no game ♪

♪ I'm throwing money down
the drain like no thing ♪

♪ The best in a-gambling
Nesbit's a-rambling

♪ Submarine pitch
And the Mac can't handle it ♪

♪ Cherokee chow
Coo-coo-capow in Texas ♪

♪ With the cactus and cows ♪

♪ Amityville? More like Amity-vile ♪

♪ Sick to the bone
but we come with style ♪

♪ So they call me Coma
Told the girl "hop on" ♪

♪ Throwing cheers to my boys ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a superstitious fella ♪

♪ Known to get a little drunk ♪

♪ But I'm here to make some noise ♪

♪ Master plan for a higher man ♪

♪ Do it all wrong ♪

♪ Don't fuck it up to make it all right ♪

♪ Drink my cup ♪

♪ Schlong as long as the Nile's bong ♪

♪ Hit it, bitch, I'm 95 strong ♪

♪ I'm the raw dog Rawest of raw ♪

♪ Four screwdrivers
One fat straw, baby! ♪

♪ My name's Tyrone
but they call me Plum ♪

♪ I call the whole game
but they call me dumb ♪

♪ Beer for breakfast
My Cap'n Crunch ♪

♪ Spread your girl's legs
and then I have lunch ♪

♪ Well, hey, oh, hey
This will make your day ♪

♪ Boy, they call me Billy A ♪

♪ I like to chew and a-spit
And throw a ball a little bit ♪

♪ Boy, you better stay out of my way ♪

♪ Enough with that, Jake here
Just a chill dude ♪

♪ I'll sweep you off your feet
No need to be crude ♪

♪ If I sense any question
I'll put you to the test ♪

♪ If it's a crime to be sexy
then you're under arrest ♪

♪ - You talkin' to me? ♪
♪ - No, can't you see? ♪

♪ Well, who you talking to? ♪

♪ Uh, dude, not you ♪

♪ Well, okay, dude, you kinda rude ♪

♪ I ain 't really a fan of that attitude ♪

♪ As I was saying before Billy interrupted ♪

♪ We just having good times, baby ♪

♪ Nothing too corrupted ♪

♪ If you need a little insight on who I am ♪

♪ Let me break it down for you
right now with my jam ♪

♪ Unlike Finn I don't drop to the knee ♪

♪ 'Cause I got a bigger secret
I drop to my feet ♪

♪ I'm the kinda guy
that'll meet you after class ♪

♪ Take pride in my pitching
Like Rope and his ass ♪

♪ Now, come over here
with those luscious thighs ♪

♪ I'll make you feel loved
while Willy's getting high ♪