Everybody Loves Raymond: The Last Laugh (2005) - full transcript

A one-hour retrospective featuring interviews with the cast and producers, past highlights and an inside look at the final week of production.

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Ow! Hey, hey!

- Keep still.
- Hey, come on.

Try a little
sensitivity here.

Too bad you're not a horse,
we could shoot you.

All right,
let's get going.

Hello, Raymond.
Your father's ruined everything.

What happened to you?

I was bringing
the suitcases down.

The bum knee
popped out again.

You're so clumsy.

That's the thanks I get for blowing
my knee out in Korea

making the world safe
for your mother.

You told me you slipped off
a massage table in Tokyo.


What about the cruise now?

Well, thanks.

Mom and Dad are screwed.

Can't reschedule, and we can't
get our money back.

Why not?

Because the discount package
you made us get them

does not permit changes.

Oh, we can't go.
You happy now, Tiny Tim?

- I'll go, I'll go.
- No, no.

I'll go.
I'm going.

No, Dad!

Ma, you could go
by yourself.

Call one of your friends.
Call Lee.

Lee can't go.
Stan's cousin,

the diabetic,
is visiting from Arizona.

You could always go
by yourself.

- No.
- Yes. We got it for your birthday.

I know, dear. And for once
you got us a very nice gift.

Come on, Ma,
you never do anything like this.

You bought all
that cruisewear, huh?

Where you gonna wear that?
Around the tub?

Not for me.
I couldn't bear to go alone.

Ma, this is a deluxe
weekend cruise in Bermuda.

This is once in a lifetime.
This is non-refundable.

I'm sorry. It was a lovely
gesture really.

And we want to pay you back
for the whole thing.


No, Ma, you wanna go.
I want you to go. Come on.

What's it gonna take
to get you just go?

I don't know.

No. Ma, look...
Debra would never let me do that.

Now that would be
a real present.

Ma, I would love
to go but...

that wouldn't be
fair to Robert.

No, no.
I don't mind.

I think it's fair.
In fact, it's more than fair.

It's funny.

Then, Robert, you can stay home
and take care of your father.

Also funny.

Oh, Raymond!

This day started
out so good.

Wow, did you
do that yourself?

They're coming!

Oh, look how cute this is.

This is the deluxe

All right, look.
I want to get mad

but I don't think I can fit
another emotion in here.


I'm gonna bring Debra back
one of these shower-caps

to thank her for letting
me have you for the weekend.

Yeah, the one thing
she lets me do.

Oh, look how adorable
this little toilet is.

Oh, that's great.
They stuff you full of food

then they give you
baby's first potty.

Come on, let's just get
the hell out of here.

- Single file!
- No, no, no.

We're gonna have
a wonderful time.

How do you figure?

Well, for one thing,
we're gonna spend

the whole weekend together.

We can talk.

You and me,
just talk.

Oh, Raymond, thank you
for this lovely trip.

Knock, knock.
Oh, hi.

to the Star Princess.

I'm your social
director, Ted.

Just a list of some of the super
activities we've got going on.

Oh God, activities.

Whoo, I've always wanted
to do shuffleboard.

And bingo
and candlemaking.

Oh good.
Skeet shooting.

I'd like to sign up
as skeet.

This... this is our
first trip.

Oh, well then, sir,

may I recommend
the deck by moonlight?

You and your lady
might enjoy the gorgeous...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Lady? Whoa!

This is not my lady, okay?
This is my mother.

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Mother. Done.

She really is my mother.
Tell him you're my mother.

Oh, honey, look.

What did you write there?
I'm telling you the truth.

It doesn't really matter.
We're at sea.

You have a grand time,
you two.


It's about time.
I'm starved.


you're not limping.

Oh yeah.

It's a miracle.

- Dad?
- Honest.

I was watching one
of those religious channels.

I pledged five bucks.
Praise the Lord!

You faker!

The moaning and groaning
and flopping on the couch.

Pretty good, huh?

What kind of a person
are you?

I'm a very smart person.

Marie will be much better
off without me anyway.

And what are you complaining about?
You're free to go.

Everybody gets
what they want.

I guess.

Everybody except Raymond.

God bless
that magnificent bastard!

Let's eat!

Now this is what
I call a vacation.

Three days of sitting
in front of the Tv eating,

napping on the couch, soaking in
my new hot tub. Nobody nagging at me...

"Frank, take out
the trash. "

"Frank, cover your mouth
when you burp. "

"Frank, that's no place
for a Q-tip. "

I'm free!

I'm footloose
and fancy-free!

Oh, oh, oh.

Come on,
you've got the part!

I'm not kidding.
I really popped it this time.

- You did not.
- I did too.

Let me see.

You just had to dance.

Oh, there you are.
Where have you been?

Bar hopping.

Waffle bar,
omelet bar,

tostada bar.

Now I'm doing clam shots.

Raymond, so many clams.

You should try
the crab cakes.

- Had 'em.
- And the little eclairs...

Had 'em!

I'm amazed at how much
I can get done

in the morning
without your father.

I played bridge, I jazzercised.
And look, origami.

Mr. Sasa thinks I have
natural talent.

- What's this made out of?
- Paper.


And tomorrow we're
making lotus blossoms.

You should come.

No, I don't know, Ma.

Some scuttlebutt
about a pie buffet.

And bingo starts at 4:00.

Oh, see, but I'm hanging
myself at 3:00.

Come on, it'll be fun. At least you
can sit with me for a little while.

- Nah.
- Marie, Marie.

- Here's me in my wedding dress.
- Isn't that beautiful?

Dear, this is Mary Beth
from jazzercise.

I'm Ray from Lynbrook.

Mary Beth's
on her honeymoon.

We've been working
on our glutes.

To glute work!

You know,
your mother's wonderful.

- Yeah?
- Oh yes.

She gave me some great advice on how
to have a long and happy marriage.


Long and happy?

Yes. She says
it's important to remember

you're not just his lover,
you're his best friend.

She's so smart.
Thank you, Marie.

Oh, anytime,

And I'll see you
at Tai Chi, okay?

You told her you and Dad
were best friends?

I also told her that childbirth
isn't that painful.

She's on her honeymoon.

She's got the rest of her life
to be disappointed.

- Okay, smile, you two!
- Oh!

That's a keeper, yes.

We put these on display
on the Lido deck.

I think you put that one
on the poop-deck.

So, uh...

what are you and Mom
up to this afternoon?

You know, she really
is my mother.

I wanted to play bingo,
but I'm not sure Raymond is up for it.

You know, several
of our cruisers have told me

they would love to share
a bingo card with you, Marie.

That is if Raymond
doesn't mind.

Well, why would I mind?
She's my mother!

Well then, fantastic.
We'll set it right up.

- Oh hi, Walter!
- Marie, how are you, my dear?

- This must be Raymond.
- Hey.

Hello. I got to know your mother
this morning over bridge.

Nimble mind.

Of course I don't have
to tell you that.

Oh, Walter, stop.

Yes, Walter.

Marie, I'd be honored
if you'd be my partner tomorrow.

- Oh, it's a date.
- Great!

Your mother is one
terrific lady!

Marie! We're ready to practice.
Can you please?

They're from "The Best
of Broadway. "

Oh, girls, we'll be
better than Broadway.

Raymond, you have to come
to the cabaret tonight.

You know,
life is a cabaret.

Oh, don't mind us.
We're a bunch of merry widows.

- Right, Marie.
- That's us.

I'll see you later.

Merry widows?

Yes, all their husbands
are dead.

But you're not a widow.

& How can I be
what I ain't? &

& I can't &

& Say no. &


I appreciate your help.

I know there's a lot of other things
you'd rather be doing.

That's okay, Dad,
I understand.

The important thing
is we got you there in time.

Damn calzone.

You're not going to believe this.

What? Again?

All right, come on.

- Hurry.
- Okay.

Grab the newspaper.

Oh yeah.

Ring a bell and the whole world
comes running.

I'm done. Help me
out of this thing.

I got your macaroni
and cheese on the stove.

I gotta stir it,

'cause you like your cheese
evenly distributed.

Now, please.

That's it.

What are you doing?
What's the big idea?

I'll get you out
when I'm good and ready.

- I'm ready now.
- But I'm not.

I am the father.
You are the son.

The son must serve
the father.

Oh yeah?
You want to be served?

All right,
I'll serve you.

But first,
I'm gonna cook you.

What are you doing?



I didn't think
you'd be up.

Do you have any idea
how late it is?

I don't know, but who cares?
We're at sea.

- Where have you been?
- With my friends.

We sang "Carousel"

and practically all
of "Fiddler on the Roof. "

I was Tevye.

Friends who?
Those merry widows?

Uh-huh, and Ted
and Walter

and Mary Beth's husband.

We're all going
to the discotheque.

What did I do
with my evening purse?

Oh yeah.

Have you been drinking?

No, but upstairs

they're setting up
a whiskey-sour fountain.

Who are you?

What do you mean?

You're acting all,
I don't know,

like a woo-woo
party girl.

I'm having fun.
Can't I have fun?

I'm not saying you can't.
I'm just saying it's a little...

hard to watch.

I didn't know you were
paying any attention.

You seemed so busy trying
to get on all the buffet lines.

Gotta get there early
or they get picked over.

Stop eating.

Stop eating? See, you've never
said that to me before.

Come on,
let's go dancing.

No, no, I don't wanna dance.
I'm not a dancer.

All right then,
I'll see you later.

Wait, Ma. Don't you think
you're overdoing it a little?

Huh? Take it easy.
Take a break.

Come on, we'll get
something to eat here.

Look, room service.
I've got a tab running.

I don't wanna stay in the room.
It's too small.

What's so special about
those people out there?

Nothing. They're just very nice.
They think I'm fun.

They think I'm interesting. They like
doing things with me. They like me.

I like you.

Oh, I know you do,

You know what? We'll have room service
for breakfast tomorrow.

I won't stay out long.

- But, Mom.
- What?

Maybe I'll...

I don't know.

I'll go with you.

No, that's all right,
dear, you don't have to.


I want to.

You want to go dancing?

I don't know about that,

but we can hang.

Don't be silly.
We'll foxtrot.

- I don't know how to do that.
- Yes you do.

You remember your
cousin Gene's wedding?

- I was 13.
- But you were very good.

All right, just...
follow me now.

It's step-step,
quick step.

- Count with me. Step-step, quickstep.
- Step-step, quickstep.

Step-step, quickstep.
I got it.

- See, Raymond. You're marvelous.
- Okay.


Sure could go
for some pretzels.

I'll get them.

& Da da dum. &

Hi, boys!
We're home!

My Marie!

What are you doing up?
You shouldn't be up. Sit down.

I missed you so much.

Sit down. Sit.

Oh, poor Chi-Chi,

Did you miss me?

It's been hell
without you.

Did Robby take
good care of you?

Oh yeah, I took care of him
all right.

He should be tender
to the bone.

Thank you, Robby dear.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How was your trip?

Yeah, not bad.
I'll tell you one thing,

if Dad's the first to go,
Mom is gonna do just fine.

Oh yeah? Well, if Ma's
the first to go

God help us all.

Hey, hold on.
I made this for you.

- Yeah, it's...
- Oh.

- Yeah, it's Oriental.
- Good.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Putting on a few pounds,
there, huh, cubby?

Yeah, yeah.