Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend (1992) - full transcript

This is the story of Marcus Templeton, a lonely security guard who blows all of his life savings on prostitutes because he is a TOTAL LOSER!

(drum roll)

- Hello, my name is Marcus Templeton

and I'd like to show you how
I spent my entire life savings

in less than two weeks.
(electric guitar music)

I don't have a dime left.
(electric guitar music)

They repossessed my car yesterday.

(electric guitar music)

I've got to move out by the 31st.

(electric guitar music)

(dramatic music)

I'd do it again.

(upbeat music)

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

- Lousy bitch.

(upbeat music continues)

(foreboding music)

- [Marcus] 160?

- [Dispatcher] Go ahead.

- [Marcus] Area five secure.

- [Dispatcher] Message
received. Over and out.

- [Marcus Voiceover] Nice talking to ya'.

(foreboding music continues)

I don't know why I have to check

this parking lot every night.

My car is the only one that's ever here.

This tastes like a salty pile of grease.

No wonder I have health problems.

What I need is a real meal.
(foreboding music continues)

My heart is bound to explode
if I keep eating like this.

I hope I'm asleep when it happens.

(heavy metal music)

(heavy metal music continues)

Too bad staring at it won't make it ring.

(person moaning)

(urination trickling)

(toilet flushing)

This is ridiculous.

The only people I come in contact with

are the dispatcher at
work who I've never seen

and the guy upstairs who I've never seen.

I think this is how people go nuts.

I've got to have some human contact.

I could go buy something at the store.

Most people have to talk to you.

No, that's pathetic.

I'll call someone.

A girl, maybe go out on a date.

(rock music)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Hi. How are you?

- Who is this?

- Marcus. Marcus Templeton.

We went out a couple of weeks ago.

- That dark haired guy?

- That's right. How have you been?

- I'm okay.

- Well I just thought I'd call
and see how you're doing

since I never heard from you.

- I never said I'd call.

- Well I know, I just...

So, how have you been doing?

- Fine, but I'm really
kind of busy right now.

- Oh, okay. I'll let you go.

I was just hoping we could
get together again sometime.

- I don't know. We just went out.

- That was weeks ago.

- Yeah, but I don't know.

Things didn't really work
out that well, you know?

- I had a wonderful time.

I was really looking
forward to seeing you again.

- To be honest, I don't know

if I wanna go out with you again.

- Well, if we're ever gonna
make this relationship work.

- Relationship? Come on,
we went out on one lousy date.

You call that a relationship?

Look, you're making too much out of it.

I don't wanna hurt you
feelings but be realistic.

Not every date works out.

- Well, it's not like I'm
asking you to marry me.

I just want to go out sometime.

- Don't call me anymore.
(rock music continues)

- [Marcus Voiceover] I have such a headache

and my wrist hurts.

I wish I could safely pull
out my heart and massage it.

I wonder if I'm too young
to have a heart attack.

(foreboding music)

Ah, hope I left that filth mag in the car.

- [Bob] Friends, when was the last time

you looked into the mirror

and felt good about what you saw there?

I mean, really good.

Well I don't know of anyone,

except maybe models and movie stars,

who doesn't feel the need
to improve their appearance

and friends, I'm not talking
about cosmetic surgery

that cost thousands of dollars.

I'm not talking about
some crazy new fad diet

that doesn't take off a single pound.

I'm talking about a scientific breakthrough

that many of us have waited for for years.

That's right, a scientific breakthrough

called Reduce O Creme.

Now you're probably asking yourself,

"Bob, what in the world
is new Reduce O Creme"

"and how does it work?"

Well friends, Reduce O Creme
is a secret scientific compound

that melts fat right off your body

and I'm here to tell you,
it really, really works.

You simply rub Reduce O
Creme on a part of your body

you want a rid of fat,
whether it's your stomach area,

thighs, buttocks or whatever,

and within days you are going
to see a dramatic reduction

in the amount of fat you once had.

Now I know some of you're saying,

"Okay Bob, you've convinced me"

"that Reduce O Creme
really works, but is it safe?"

Friends, Reduce O Creme is
safe as any garden vegetable.

It contains no artificial dyes or colors

and is not harmful in any way.

So why not stop in at your
favorite drug store and say,

"I want to try new Reduce O Creme."

(rock music)

- [Marcus Voiceover] That's
gotta be some kind of gimmick.

Nothing could really melt fat off.

Something like that
would be worth a fortune.

I wonder how much it costs.

How old is this picture?

Only a few years.

I looked great then.

Then the world happened to me.

I know everybody gets older,

but guys like Robert
Redford are older than me

and they still look great.

Can a few extra pounds

really change a person's face that much?

I never had any trouble meeting women

when I look like this.

Are they really just interested
in physical appearance?

(rock music continues)

♪ Lovin' for you ♪

♪ It's too much ♪

♪ Too much this ♪

♪ Too much that ♪

♪ Make your mind up ♪

- [Marcus Voiceover] My
chin is being swallowed up

by the abyss once known as my neck.

(blues music)

(Marcus grunting)

Nice day, huh?

- Yeah.

Are you the security
guard for this complex?

- [Marcus] No, I work across town.

- Are you just now going to work?

- [Marcus] Just getting home.

It's not the greatest
schedule in the world,

but it leaves me plenty
of time for other things.

- Such as?

- Oh writing, things like that.

- You're a writer?

- I try. I'd like to be one.

- What do you write about?

Killing young girls

and hiding their bodies in your apartment?

- [Marcus] What do you mean?

- You look like a serial killer.

(blues music continues)

- It was here that the
murder streak came to an end,

if only temporarily.

The suspect, hearing
the sirens of police cars

responding to a disturbance
several blocks away,

fled down this alley and disappeared.

It was only after the bodies
were discovered the next day

that police realized they
had been in the same area

as the multiple murderer
known as the Side Street Slasher.

Police say witnesses describe the man

they saw running that
night and he does indeed

fit earlier descriptions of the slasher.

He is said to be approximately
30 to 35 years of age,

"a stocky or heavyset man, about 5'8"

and about 200 to 220 pounds.

He has short dark hair and a mustache.

He has been seen as
far east as Decatur, Illinois

and as far west as Greeley, Colorado.

- Great. (rock music)

I really do look like a serial killer.

(rock music continues)

(Marcus sighing)

Just in time.

I wonder if anyone would
really come to check on me

if I didn't turn that
key at the right time.

it's probably just a trick to make sure

I'm not sleeping in my car.

Someday I'll see what
happens when I don't check in.

Oh well, at least this is
better than my last job,

changing those aromatic urinal cakes.

(symbol music)

(shower running)

- [Brain] Angela.


(water splashing)

(water bubbling)

- So you can talk.

Why have you been quiet all this time?

- [Brain] I can't talk. I'm
communicating telepathically.

As you can see, I have no vocal chords.

- But I can hear you.

- [Brain] Only in your mind.

If you were to sit a recorder next to me

there would be nothing on the tape.

- Wow. Can I talk to you in the same way?

- [Brain] Try it.

- Okay. Well let me think of something.

You look very nice floating in your tank.

- [Brain] Thank you.

- Well I'll be, it worked.

- [Brain] Certainly.
Just as I said it would.

- Well now that we're communicating,

I feel I should get dressed.

Wait here a minute.
(water bubbling continues)

- [Marcus Voiceover] Now why
does she have to get dressed?

It's just a brain.

I can't believe this brain has a girlfriend

and I'm sitting here by myself.

- [Brain] Oh yes, Angela.

Oh yes.

- Turn this god damn set the right way.

- Dad.

- What are you doing

watching this monster movie crap anyway?

How old are you?

- Dad, how can you? (water burbling)

Am I going insane?

I hope I'm just drunk.

(neighbor moaning)

You think you've got troubles?

I just saw my dad in the
middle of a brain movie.

(footfalls echoing)

(rock music) (phone ringing)

(phone clattering)

(foreboding music)

I hope this headache doesn't
get as bad as the last one.

(blues rock music)

(blues rock music continues)

(upbeat music)

I hope it's not that guy upstairs

who keeps leaving these things for me.

I wonder if anyone can see in here.

(neighbor moaning) What the hell?

I wonder if he's been yanking on his dick.

I used to cry afterwards sometimes.

Or was it before?

(phone ringing) - Omaha Cable.

- Hello, I was just wondering

if you give out the list of people

who subscribe to the adult channel?

- [Receptionist] All customer
records are confidential.

- So no one would know
if I'm watching Cable X.

- [Receptionist] No, sir.

All customer information is confidential.

- Okay. Thanks.

- [Receptionist] Thank you
for calling Omaha Cable.

- [Marcus Voiceover]
There's just one thing to do.

I'll keep an eye on the door all night

(dramatic music) and see for myself

who's leaving those flyers.

(rock music) (phone ringing)

- Hello?

- [Marcus] Hello. How's it going?

- Who is this?

- [Marcus] Marcus
Templeton. The security guard.

- Oh.

- [Marcus] I was wondering if you wanted

to meet me for lunch tomorrow?

- Well, I...

- There's a Sinclair
station near your house

that has sandwiches on sale for $1.49.

How does that sound?

- I think I pass. (rock music continues)

- [Marcus Voiceover] I
wonder if she's still mad at me

because I asked her to be my date

for my grandmother's funeral.

(rhythmic drumming)

Uh oh, some of these
sound kind of familiar.

I hope I don't drive my vehicle

through the front of a cafeteria.

(upbeat music)

(static crackling) - Now what the hell?

My God is all that you?

- What? This?

- You got enough lard
on your ass for six people.

What the hell is wrong with you?

- Nothing. I just need a
little bit more exercise.

- It's gotta be more than that.

You've been sick a lot lately?

- Not really.

- Oh man. Are you sure?

You must have cancer or something.

- Dad, I don't have cancer.

Don't say that.

- You better get checked out, boy.

Kind of damn.

- Come on, dad. (upbeat music)

Maybe I do have cancer.

I wonder if that causes
difficulty in achieving an erection.

I thought I was having
trouble because of my weight,

but how can you tell if you have it?

Oh, I don't have cancer.

I just need to lose some weight.

I guess it's a good thing
fat guys never get laid.

It's hard enough achieving
an erection when you're alone.

We breed and populate this world like ants,

occupying buildings,

turning lights on and off,

banished to an exile.


(Marcus grunting) (somber music)

I will not yank on my dick again

until I have a real woman.

This I vow.

Oh man. (solemn music continues)

- [Park Visitor] I think
that guy's staring at us.

Are you sure?

- [Park Visitor] Yes. I think
he's looking at my legs.

- Do you want me to say something to him?

- [Park Visitor] No. Let's just go.

- [Marcus Voiceover] Oh,
wonder what spooked 'em?

(solemn music continues)

(upbeat music) (women panting and moaning)

This has gotta be phony.

How could a corset it get
rid of your double chin?

Oh my God, I no longer have a chin.

(Marcus crying)

Maybe I've been looking at too many women

in magazines and on TV.

I bet I could achieve an erection

if I had a real girl in front of me.

The question is, how to find one.

I wish you could just
look up a number and call.

(bells tingling)

A lot of these say 24 hours.

I hope it doesn't cost more

if you call in the middle of the night.

(phone ringing)

- [Sex Worker] Hello?

- Hi, I saw your ad in the paper

and I was wondering about your prices?

- [Sex Worker] Are you
interested in an out call?

- What's that?

- [Sex Worker] That's where
I come over to your house.

- Which costs less,
an in call or an out call?

- [Sex Worker] Costs the
same baby, 150 for an hour.

- How much for a half hour?

- [Sex Worker] I don't do half hours.

- Okay. Can I think
about it and call you back?

- [Sex Worker] Sure.

- [Marcus Voiceover] For 150 bucks

she better look like Marilyn Monroe.

(phone ringing) - 'Ello?

- Yeah, I was calling about your ad.

- [Pimp] You want one girl or two?

- How much for two girls?

- [Pimp] 350 for the hour.

- Do the women look very good?

- [Pimp] We got no dogs here, buddy.

- Okay. Let me think about it.

(phone ringing) - Hello?

- Hi. How much for an out call?

- [Sex Worker] 175 Per hour.

- Do you do half hours?

- [Sex Worker] No hun,
an hour's the minimum.

- Would you be willing to come over

for say a hundred dollars?

- [Sex Worker] This is not
the bargain basement, dear.

I'm strictly Saks Fifth Avenue.

- Well, what do you look like?

- [Sex Worker] I'm gorgeous

or I wouldn't ask for 175 an hour.

- Would it cost less if I
came to your location?

- [Sex Worker] Same price.

- How much do you charge
to spend the whole night?

- [Sex Worker] 1700?

- Isn't there any way you
can come down a little.

- [Sex Worker] This isn't a rescue mission.

I'm not doing this for charity.

- [Marcus Voiceover] $1,700 For one night.

You should be able to disembowel them

for that kind of money.

(phone ringing)

- [Sex Worker] Hello?

- Hi, I saw your ad and was wondering

if you did half hour sessions?

- [Sex Worker] Well, not usually.

Where do you live?

- Grant and Mayfield.

- [Sex Worker] Oh yeah?
I'm not too far from there.

- How much would you charge
to come over for a half hour?

- [Sex Worker] A hundred bucks.

- Is there any way you
could do it for say, 75?

- [Sex Worker] Well ordinarily
I wouldn't drive anywhere

for less than a hundred,

but it's been a really slow night, okay.

- Oh boy. How soon can you get here?

- [Sex Worker] Well first
you gotta gimme your number

so I can call you back
to verify everything.

- Okay, that's Marcus Templeton. 755-8919.

- [Sex Worker] Okay, I'll
call you back in a minute

and get directions.

- All right, bye.

Oh boy. Oh boy.

I hope she can get right over here.

I wonder if I should get dressed?

Yeah, I wouldn't wanna scare her.

(mysterious music)

This is kind of expensive

but it'll be worth it to go out on a date.

If you can call having a prostitute

over to the house a date.

I hope she looks good.

I also hope I don't catch anything.

I don't have any rubbers.

I bet she'll have some.

I wonder if she'll come
over next time for $75.

Maybe I could do this every month.

I could afford that.

Wait a minute.

If I stash this recorder
somewhere in the room,

I could make a tape of the entire session

then relive it a few times
before I called again.

Boy, that would really save some dough.

She'd never see it in all this mess.

I wonder where it would
make the best recording.

Well, here's the bedroom.

Hope it's not too messy for you.

- [Sex Worker] Oh hell no, you should see

some of these guys' houses.

- [Marcus On Tape] Really? Worse than this?

- [Sex Worker] A lot
worse. Can I set this here?

- [Marcus On Tape] Sure. Go ahead.

Do you mind if I watch you undress?

- [Sex Worker] No, that's fine.

Why don't you get ready too?

- [Marcus On Tape] Okay.

Boy, you have lovely breasts. - Thank you.

- [Marcus On Tape] Do you
mind if I start feeling them now?

- [Sex Worker] Just a minute.

Okay. Come here for a second.

Okay. Do you wanna stand here and feel them

or do you wanna get into bed?

- [Marcus On Tape]
Well, let's get into bed,

but just let me feel
them for a second first.

- [Sex Worker] Okay.

Do you want me to do anything

or should I just stand here for a minute?

- [Marcus On Tape] This is fine.

You don't have to watch if you don't want.

- [Sex Worker] No. That's all right.

(water trickling)

- [Marcus On Tape] Do you
think I'm really overweight?

- [Sex Worker] No. I think you look good.

- [Marcus On Tape] What about this gut?

- [Sex Worker] I think
you're a very attractive man.

- [Marcus On Tape] You don't think

I need to lose about 40 pounds?

- [Sex Worker] No, maybe five.

I think you're very handsome.

- [Marcus On Tape] Thanks.

I think you're beautiful.

- [Sex Worker] Thank you.

- [Marcus On Tape] Do
you want to get in bed now?

- [Sex Worker] Sure.

(bed springs creaking)

- [Marcus On Tape] Is this okay?

- [Sex Worker] Sure.

- [Marcus On Tape] Okay. There.

Oh, there we go.

Sorry my dick isn't very hard.

- [Sex Worker] It's fine. Go ahead.

(foreboding music)

- [Marcus On Tape] You
certainly have lovely breasts.

- [Sex Worker] Thank you.

What do you want me to do?

- [Marcus Voiceover] I'm
enjoying my audio tapes

but I've gotta find
something closer to reality.

(traffic sounds)

Hmm. This is a beaut'.

I wonder how much light you
need to get a decent picture.

(Marcus grunting) (dramatic music)

Crab lice, or crabs,

are small visible creatures
in the insect family

that are often spread
through sexual contact.

They live in the pubic hair
and get their nourishment

by sucking blood from their host.

Crabs are not dangerous

but the itching they
cause can be troublesome

to victims infected by them.

Fortunately, many medications are available

to treat them.


(traffic sounds)

(rock music)

Effective in the removal of pubic lice.

Well, I still think it was worth it.

I hope this stuff works.
(rock music continues)

(indistinct lyrics)

(foreboding music) (doorknob rattling)

(saliva squelching)

All those phones and I have no one to call.

- Hello? - Hi.

- Who's this. - Marcus.

- What are you doing today?
- Just sitting around.

- Do you have the day off?
- No, I work at night.

- Really? What do you do?
- I'm a security guard.

- Oh, that must be exciting. - Not really.

Nothing much happens
and I never get to talk anyone.

- [Phone Sex Worker]
Well, you can always call

and talk to me. - Yeah. At $2 per minute.

- It's not really so much.
- Well, that's true.

I've been paying call girls

more than a hundred
dollars an hour to come over.

- [Phone Sex Worker] Really?

How many times have you done that?

- I don't know. A lot.

In fact, I really can't
afford to make this call.

- [Phone Sex Worker] Really?

- Yeah. I better get off the line.

- [Phone Sex Worker]
I understand, but listen,

you call back anytime, okay?

- All right.


- [Phone Sex Worker] Bye. Bye.

- Bye.

(phone ringing) - Hello?

- Hi, this is Marcus.

- [Phone Sex Worker]
What are you up to today?

- Oh, not much.

- [Phone Sex Worker] Didn't
you have to go to work today.

- I don't go in till later.

- [Phone Sex Worker]
Really? What do you do?

- I'm a security guard.

- [Phone Sex Worker] That
must be interesting work.

- Not really.

Do you want to go out sometime?

- [Phone Sex Worker]
Well you sound very nice,

but we're not allowed to do that.

- No one would have to know about it.

- [Phone Sex Worker] I'm sorry.

We're really not supposed to do that.

- I see.

- [Phone Sex Worker]
I'd be happy to talk to you

as long as you want though.

- Yeah, I bet.

- [Phone Sex Worker] Excuse me?

- Nevermind.

(foreboding music)

(phone ringing)

- [Phone Sex Worker] Hello.

- I just wanted to call and say,

I don't think much of
your little operation.

- [Phone Sex Worker] I beg your pardon.

- It's pretty obvious you're just trying

to keep people on the line and make money.

- [Phone Sex Worker] I beg your pardon.

- [Marcus Voiceover] I
hope I'm not going insane.

I'm sure I must be though.

(rock music) (phone ringing)

- Hello?



- [Marcus Voiceover] I feel horrible.

I'm sure I'd feel worse if I
had talked to her though.

Maybe I'll call Dave.

He's my best friend.

No, we're really not that close.

I don't think I could tell him my problems.

In fact, I think he hates me.

Maybe I'll have a little snack.

(rock music)

(indistinct lyrics)

Insanity is a state of
imperfect reasoning ability.

Caused by mental disease,

insanity often removes the
afflicted person from reality

as it is normally perceived

and renders them
unresponsible for their actions.

While having no precise
meaning in either law or medicine,

insanity has come to mean a
state of reduced or damaged

mental capacity.

Often called madness,

it represents a breakdown
in the ability to reason

and manifests itself in the inability

to distinguish right from wrong.

The most common form of this condition

is called schizophrenia,

which is characterized by
prolonged periods of delusions,

hallucinations, personality disintegration,

and the inability to
properly perceive reality.

Uh oh, this is beginning to sound familiar.

I wonder how much it would
cost to visit a psychiatrist.

Nah, I'm not stupid.

I'd rather spend the money on call girls.

Oh, what am I saying?

I can't afford that either.

I wonder if this is the sort of thing

you can treat yourself.

It's worth a try. (whimsical music)

Here's something.

Self hypnosis.

My mom said to me

to start cleaning up the garage

and to be sure and
check all the mouse traps.

I went in to see and
found a couple of traps

that hadn't been disturbed.

Then in a corner of the garage

was a trap that had just
missed the mouse's body

and had him pinned by the tail.

The mouse was squirming
and I wanted it to stop.

For some reason I decided
to fill a bucket with water

and drown the mouse.

I was holding him under
the water with a pair of pliers.

I don't remember why I did it that way,

but I held him under the water
until he stopped squirming.

I forget how many times I checked to see

if he was still moving.

This is just depressing the hell outta me.

(rock music)

This is more like it.

I just needed to get out and
stop dwelling on weird things.

I should do this every day.

(rock music continues)

Boy, I haven't been on
one of these in 20 years.

This used to be my all time favorite.

I'm like a new man.

This is the best I've felt since,


(Marcus retching) (rock music continues)

(comical music)

This corset could change my whole life.




(comical music continues)

(Marcus grunting)

I knew it wouldn't work.

I knew it. I knew it, I knew it.

- [Sex Worker] You look
like you could be a cop,

but you know that's good.

You know, some cops are real nice looking.

- [Marcus On Video] So,
what do you use for protection?

You gotta? - Condom.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Always.

You don't get those little
crabs or anything do ya'?

- [Sex Worker] No, I never have.

No, usually I don't come out

but you sounded nice on the phone,

I don't see a guy for $70.

I charge 200 or sometimes $300 an hour.

But I don't, I usually
I'm usually in a dress

and everything, you know?

I look a little bit nicer
and I look tonight,

so I'm just kind of cas'.

But I figured I just come on out for the...

(water running)

- [Marcus Voiceover] I
should video tape a call girl

when she comes over,

maybe she'd really be into it.

- Kind of seems like
you like to watch, huh?

- [Marcus] Yeah.

- Do you wanna watch
me take off my clothes?

- [Marcus] Yeah.

- Could do that.

Do you wanna jerk off
while you look at my tits?

- [Marcus] Yeah.

Then again, she might not be into it.

- What the hell is this?

- [Marcus] I'm just videotaping you.

- The fuck for?

- [Marcus] I wanna look at it later.

- Wrong, no. You can look at me now, honey.

We didn't discuss this, all right.

- [Marcus] Please.

- No, turn it off.

What the fuck are you doing?

Don't film my tits.

I said turn it off.

Did you hear what the fuck I said?

I said turn it off.

- [Marcus Voiceover]
That's always a possibility.

Maybe I better play it safe

and hide the camera in the closet.

- Got any coke? - No.

- Got something to drink? - No.

- Do you have some pot? - No.

- [Sex Worker] Fuck man.

Kind of wanted to get high, you know?

Kinda been a long day.

Well, what do you wanna do?

- I don't know. - You don't know?

(sex worker sighing) What's this?

Oh, Playboy. (sex worker groaning)

Like a fuckin' 14 year old, aren't ya'?

(sex worker laughing)
Still looking at Playboys?

Shit man.


What do you like to do?

Like to sit here and
beat off to these chicks?

- [Marcus] Sometimes.

- So is that what you wanna do with me?

You wanna just sit here and beat off?

You wanna fuck me?

It's 125 bucks.

I could blow you. That's about 70 bucks.

20 bucks extra if you
want to come in my mouth.

I could give you a hand job, 50 bucks.

So you tell me what you wanna do.

Just wanna stand there?

- Beat off when you look at my tits?

(upbeat music)

- [Marcus Voiceover]
Maybe I should stop dwelling

on women's breasts all the time.

What I need is a vacation. (crowd noise)

(Marcus moaning) (indistinct lyrics)

(foreboding music)

- 191 Pounds.

Does she really think
anyone's going to write to her?

I'm more pathetic than she is

and I wouldn't be seen dead with her.

Oh, who am I to destroy
another living thing?

Besides I don't want to get
spider guts in my skin mag.

- Geez. You're not a cop, are you?

- [Marcus] No. Do I look like one?

- Yes.

- Don't you like cops?

- No way.

What do you do for a living?

- Well, I work in the store.

- Yeah.

What store?

- Food King.

- Oh yeah, that one
back there on Ash Street?

- Yeah. That's it.

- Well you sure do look like a cop.

- What do you have against them anyway?

- Oh, they're always hassling me.

- [Marcus] About what?

- You know, I hitch rides.

Try to do favors for guys.

Earn a little money. You know.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah. You interested?

- Well, how much would it cost me?

- I don't know. What do you want?

- Well.

- A hundred bucks for a straight lay.

125 for half and half.
- What's half and half.

- You know, half lay, half.

50 bucks for a regular blow job.

20 bucks for a hand job.

- 50 Bucks for a blow job?

- Yeah and you gotta wear a rubber.

- Oh yeah. AIDS.

- I don't give a shit about AIDS.

I just don't want anybody
coming in my mouth.

- What did you say you do for $10?

- Nothing.

I'll give you a hand job for 20.

How much do you have?

- Just over 10.

I don't suppose you take a check.

No, I'm okay. Here's another 10.

Sorry the room's so messy.

- [Sex Worker] Don't worry about it.

- [Marcus] You want to go
ahead and get comfortable?

- Sure.

Why is it so bright in here?

- [Marcus] I just want
to be able to see you.

- You're not a cop, are you?

- [Marcus] Do I look like one?

- Yeah.

(solemn music)

(phone ringing)

(slow rock music)

(cow lowing)

- [Dad] Is that a bologna sandwich?

That stuff is almost a
hundred percent fat, boy.

(slow rock music continues)

You deaf, boy?

- Can I feel them? - Sure, go ahead.

Is you're dick getting hard yet?

- [Marcus] No, not really.

- [Sex Worker] What
you need is some pullin'.

- [Marcus] What's that?

- [Sex Worker] You know, a hand job.

- [Marcus] That's a good idea.

I think this might work.

Give me a few minutes.

- [Sex Worker] Well,
okay, but I'm not gonna

pull on it all night.

- [Marcus Voiceover] I would've been able

to achieve an erection if
she'd given me more time.

She should pulled on it longer.

(foreboding music)

Oh no.

- [Dad] Well now I've seen everything.

30 years old and he pees
in his god damn pants.

- Dad.

- Boy, I thought the Army
would straighten you out.

I guess they can't work miracles.

Geez. Pees in his own drawers.

- Reduce O Creme (blues rock music)

melts, melts, melts that fat away.

Millions use it. Millions swear by it.

Isn't it about time you
tried Reduce O Creme?

- [Marcus Voiceover] Safe
as any garden vegetable.

Results vary greatly among users.

There's no way this is going to work.

Absolutely no way. (foreboding music)

Oh, look at those breasts.

I'd sure like to feel those babies.

(rock music)

Four days until payday.

I'm having a call girl come over

the second I get that paycheck.

- Are you a cop?

- [Marcus] Here's the bedroom.

- Uh huh.

Do you have the money? - Yeah.

Here you go.

(paper money rustling)

- Okay. Get undressed.

Couple of things.

Don't try to kiss me

and don't touch my hair.

- [Marcus Voiceover] I'm starving.

Of course I should eat at home

and save my money for call girls.

(foreboding music)

I wonder how long this has been unwrapped.

Oh, what difference does it make?

(Marcus retching)

(Marcus sighing) (toys rattling)

This is stupid.

It takes two people to
play this game properly.

There must be some
way I can get a real date.

How are you tonight? - Okay.

A little nervous.

I've never really been
on a blind date before,

but since your mom and my
aunt go to the same church.

- What's your mom's name? - Edith Westhall.

- Have I met her? - I don't think so

but your aunt said that you were nice.

- [Marcus] What else did
my aunt say about me?

- Well, that you were a security guard

and that you're about my age

and that you've never been married.

- Have you been married before?

- No.

I guess they thought we
were made for each other.

So do you have any hobbies?

- [Marcus] Well, I try
to write now and then.

- Oh really? Can I read
something you've written?

- Well, I haven't really written anything

for a couple years now.

- Oh, what have you been doing lately?

- [Marcus] I've been
reading a lot of medical stuff,

self hypnosis and things like that.

- That's interesting. Can
you really hypnotize yourself?

- Oh, sure.

I've even videotaped
myself while I was under.

- Wow. Can I see one of the tapes?

- [Marcus] I don't know.

I think I'd be too embarrassed
to show them to anyone.

- What kind of things do you talk about

when you're hypnotized?

- [Marcus] Oh, all kinds of things.

Childhood stuff.



You know.

- I see.

I don't believe in having
sex before marriage, myself.

- Really?

You won't want to have sex then?

- You mean with you? Tonight?

Oh gosh, no.

Do most of the girls you go
out with have sex with you?

- Well, yeah.

- I see.

Well, I don't believe
in doing that personally.

- Oh, that's okay.

Could I at least feel your breasts?

- No.

- Could I just see them for a minute?

- No.

- Do you want to go home now?

- Yes.

- [Marcus Voiceover] I've
just gotta get some exercise.

Go ahead and get
comfortable. I'll be right back.

- [Sex Worker] Where you going?

- [Marcus] Just to the
bathroom for a second.

- [Sex Worker] Okay.

(toilet flushing)

- Can I feel those?

- Sure. Just let me get one more thing.

(gun shot exploding)

(Marcus moaning) (foreboding music)

You won't be needing this
anymore, you pathetic bastard.

(rock music)

(person screaming)

(indistinct lyrics)