Eulogy (2004) - full transcript

♪ Doctor, my eyes
have seen the years ♪

♪ And the slow parade
of fears ♪

♪ Without crying ♪

♪ Now I want to understand ♪

♪ I have done
all that I could ♪

♪ I've seen the evil
and the good ♪

♪ Without hiding ♪

♪ You must help me
if you can ♪

♪ Doctor, my eyes ♪

♪ Tell me what is wrong ♪

♪ Was I unwise ♪



♪ To leave them open
for so long? ♪

♪ 'Cause I have wandered
through this world ♪

♪ As each moment has unfurled ♪

♪ I've been waiting ♪

♪ To awaken
from these dreams ♪

♪ People go
just where they will ♪

♪ I never noticed them
until... ♪

Hey. You don't know me.

I don't know you.

Twice in my life,

I've had to deliver bad news
to someone I'd never met.

Hey...

The first time
involved a cat

that ran out in the middle
of my driver's test.



This time
was a bit trickier.

Hey...

Are you waiting for me
to say something?

No.

I don't know
where to start.

Well, why don't you start
from the beginning?

OK. OK. Um...

Hello.

What?

Grandma.

Turn that down!

Grandma, what's the matter?

My grandfather
always told me--

never pick up the phone
on the first ring.

What?

And now he was dead.

What? What happened?

I was the first one
my grandmother called.

I waited until
I could see straight

before I broke the news
to my dad.

He's sort of
a famous actor.

You may remember him as
the Spiffy peanut butter kid.

My dad's the one
with the spoon in his mouth.

What is it, Son?

Something is stuck
to my tongue.

Must be weird to have
your career peak at 8.

Hey, folks.

How many towels can I get
for you today?

How many
have you got?

Now he works mostly
in obscure foreign films.

All right, but...

only if I can watch.

Man: Keep looking
at them.

That's it. Oh, yeah.
Get turned on.

He's removing her clothes.
He's massaging her breasts.

Let me see that
in your eyes.

You're surprised.
Down go her pants. Ah!

Maybe you're gonna
get caught.

They're not supposed
to be doing that.

I'm sorry. That's me.

Hello.
Don't answer that.

Look sexy.

Oh, hey, sweetie.

Smoky eyes...

I want to see envy.
You want to be that guy.

What?

You want it.

He did?

That's it.
Touch yourself.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'll call them.
I'll call them.

Dearest Judge--

Excuse me?

My client...

Name?

Uh...Lace.

Miss Lace...

was engaged
in a consensual servicing

of an entrapable member.

Are you an attorney?

Touché, Your Highness.

Talk to me.

Counselor.

What?

Whoa.

OK. Now put
the eggs down

without breaking them
and without using your hands.

Come on, guys. We're--

What's he doing?

Watch.

We don't have time
for this, guys. All right?

No good
can come of this.

Nice. Can we go now?

Do a shoulder stand.

Guys, come on.
We've got this funeral.

Grandpa's not
going anywhere.

Get in the car.

Get the bowl onto the table
without spilling.

Oh...

This is why
your mother left us.

She was a hack.

I've seen better
moms on TV.

I know.

I don't even know
why we're going.

I mean,
he was your dad.

Maybe he left
you something.

Probably left it
all to wifey.

Nana.

I know.

He picked
the perfect time

for this one,
didn't he? Huh?

Huh, Burt?

You know it's 2 weeks
before his birthday,

the one day that was
more important to him

than his goddamn job,

and now he's managed
to fuck this up, too.

Sorry.

Nice work, Pop.

Is everybody coming?

Yeah. The asylum
will be full.

I can't believe Grandpa's
not gonna be there.

I know, sweetie.

You're doing
the right thing.

You're fully
experiencing the loss.

And when you're ready,
take a deep breath in...

Like that.

Try to really maximize
the feeling.

Feel it
really intensely.

And then
as you exhale...

Just try to let
those feelings go, OK?

He just died.

Yeah...I know.

But believe me,
it's the way

your grandfather
would have wanted it.

To be dead?

Oh, where can she be?

Where's my little
tubby turtle?

I'm not a turtle.
I'm Katie.

Well, I'm looking
for someone

to help me eat...

I will, Pom Pom.

A hot-fudge sundae.

You OK?

Come on. Let's go
find your grandmother.

Don't see why
you want to wait.

They have
a right to know.

No. It's
my decision now.

Fair enough.

Man: Hello? Mom?

You have an appointment
with the parson tomorrow.

I don't think so.

Man: There she is.

Danny boy.

Hey, Lance.

Good to see
you, Son.

Grandma.

Oh, baby.

Oh...
you know what?

He loved you
and your daddy

more than anybody
else in the family.

I know that's
not true, but thanks.

No. Really.

He couldn't even
remember the names

of his other 2
children.

3 children.

Oh. Always thinking
of others.

Hey, Mom.

Woman: Burt.
Burt, did you grab...

I have to go.

Are you sure
you're OK?

I feel as if I
finally have a chance

to do something
with my life.

Good.

Aah!

Alice.
Glad to see you.

Lance.
Katie, Katie, Katie.

Oh, Alice. What
are we gonna do?

I think I'll just
take my old room

and then...Danny.

Hey, Alice.

Oh, I was just waiting
to see you on television, huh?

Well, you may not
have to wait very long.

I actually--

Right. I'm just--
Mother...

God! I'm trying
to get to the sorrow.

I really am, but I
still feel so angry.

I mean, I want to just
grab him and shake him

and say,
"How dare you?

"How dare you go
out that back door

"with your little
suitcase?

I mean, where in God's name
are you going this time?"

I'm OK, though.
I'm OK. I'm sorry.

Oh! I've never heard
you say that word.

Well, we don't have to make
a talk show out of it, do we?

Burt!

Don't tarry.
Don't tarry.

Hi, Burt.
Hi, kids.

Hey, Burt.

We've had a very
difficult trip.

So we should probably
just consider

what everybody
wants to eat,

and that way, we can
just make one dish

that suits the group...

Alice and her husband Burt

had managed to produce
3 silent children.

My tribe only eats
bread and American cheese

in various forms,
so I mean...

I could make this dish
I think everybody might enjoy,

this little casserole
that I like to make.

I'm sort of famous
around my house for making it.

Have you said hello
to your grandmother?

Let me take a look
at you three.

Stop looking like
she's gonna bite you.

She's not gonna
bite you.

Stop it. Stop feigning
those fake little twitches

that you're doing.
We've talked...

my grandmother always said

she wished Alice
came with a mute button.

If you think
it's any better

at any of your
friends' house,

if you think it's any
better at their house,

you can just pack your bags
and move in with them.

Ah, that's better.

All right,
treat everybody

with respect, OK?
Let's try not to be

the biggest freaks
in the circus.

What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

He wants us to say,
"No, thank you,"

instead of
"Eat my ass jello."

hey, stop it.
All right?

Stop it,
for Christ's sakes.

Where do you guys
learn that shit?

Mom...
sorry about Dad.

Yeah...mmm...

You remember
the boys.

How could I forget them?

Hey, G.

So, what did he
leave us?

Your grandfather's will
won't be read

until after the funeral.

Talk about
being early.

Seriously, man.

God, dude.
You always hit me first.

He pushed me.

Hey, Skipper.

Hey.

Oh, why do terrible
things always come in threes?

I see Alice is already
rifling through the drawers.

No. I'm looking
for ingredients.

I'm going to make us
all dinner tonight.

Hmm...

Hey, Uncle Skip.

Hey. Hi.

Hey, boys.

Hi, Katie.

Uncle Skip and the twins

were a little heavy
with hormones,

but they were
at those ages.

I used to have
an Aunt Lily, too,

but they scared her away.

Family legend
says it was

the night before
their eleventh birthday.

What the hell
is that?

It's your birthday cake.

I was hoping it
would be a surprise.

I'm more
than surprised.

I'm shocked.

This isn't
what we ordered.

You don't order
your mother.

I spent 2 days making--

We ordered an erotic
cheesecake.

Excuse me?

You're excused.

We'll fix it.

Oh, no. Oh, God.

Oh...what?

What?

They ruined it.

They ruined it.

Well, it is
their birthday, right?

Where did they
even hear the term

"erotic cheesecake"?

Somebody's got to teach them
these things, right?

What..."things"?

That you can make
a cheesecake

look like
disembodied breasts?

Or an ass.

Katie, sweetheart,
I want you

to eulogize
your grandfather.

Oh, Grandma, I don't think
I can make a speech.

I wouldn't know
what to say.

If it were me,
I would want you

to say something
that made some...

sense
out of my life,

something
that honored me.

Hey, what about Dad?

Or Skip? Or Lucy?

Your grandfather
wanted you.

And you boys
are going to

have to help
with the burial.

Your father left
very specific instructions.

OK.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, ladies.

You remember Skip?

Yeah.

And these are
his 2 boys...

Tim and Jim?

Close enough.

Hi, guys. I'm, uh...

Lucy's life partner,
Judy.

Lesbians.
Lesbians.

I really can't
believe you brought her.

Hello, Alice.

No, it's just I thought
you'd come alone. It's family.

Are you starting
already?

Oh, no. It just...
it didn't occur to me

to bring my sex toys.
Did you bring any sex toys?

You wouldn't know
a sex toy

if it left a battery
in your vagina.

Oh. My vagina,
as you were

so whimsically about
to refer to it,

has served
as sacred passage

for 3 anatomically
correct children.

So...

Bad image.
Erase, erase.

So, who needs a drink?

Let's drink.

My family still observes

the cocktail hour...
with a vengeance.

This isn't
about you, so...

Are you talking
to the sex toy?

I'm sure you're
a very nice...lesbian.

Is that
the preferred term?

No. No.
We prefer "whore."

I think all women do
these days.

Well...

I guess I owe you
an apology.

Are you working
up to it?

So...

What do you girls do?

What do you mean,
"what do we do"?

For fun.

We eat out,
go to the movies.

Oh, normal stuff.

Drinks.

Ladies.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What did you
think we did?

No, I didn't have a...

I wasn't thinking
of something,

and I just...I...

I don't know
what you do.

Do you think
we spend all night

triple-tonguing
our cheese pots?

Ah...

It's my father's funeral,

so if you could
muster up

just a little bit of respect,
that would be...

Don't worry...you know.
Don't worry about Alice.

You think she's gone,
she comes back, you know...

like herpes.

Thanks, Skip.

So, how are you
and Lucy doing?

Well, I mean...

This is just awful.

I know. I hate being
around my family, too.

Oh.

Yeah. But, I mean...

How are you doing...
you know...

physically?

Physically?

Well, yeah. I mean,
like you said...what is it?

Triple-tonguing.
What is that?

Is that a thing...

What are you doing?

Go talk
to your mother.

You talk to her.
She's a downer.

She's a widow.

She was
a downer first.

Just go talk
to your mother.

Excuse me.

OK.

Do you need
a punch?

Do you want me
to punch you?

You have
real problems.

You don't do that.
You don't throw

a lemon at me
in front of a lesbian.

Nice going.

Danny: Me nice going?
"The triple-tongue thing"?

Hi.

My dad died
when I was 11.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I don't know
why I said that.

What size are you?

Me?

Come upstairs.

This is the dress
I wore on the boardwalk

in 1956.

It's...
it's so elegant.

It's yours.
I wore it once.

It was
a great night,

maybe the best
night of my life.

It's a lucky dress.

I couldn't.

Oh, please.

Take them all.

I know we haven't spent
that much time together,

but I already know
I like you better

than I like Alice.

Ha ha!

And besides, Katie
and Lucy aren't my size.

Thank you.

It's a little bit
runnier than usual.

Think I just didn't
put--move it.

Put enough
cheese in it.

This looks like it fell
out of a horse.

Thanks, but I already had
my mucus course for the day.

Listen. You shut
your spit cave,

you foul-mouthed
little shit fucker

before I beat the living
snot out of you.

I'm going down to Doc's
to pick up some lobster,

if anyone wants in.

Yes, please.
Good idea.

Yeah, it's
a good idea.

Get some big ones
with big meaty claws.

As a side dish,
it's fine.

Well...

God, it's so good
to get out of there.

Katie, it's good
to see you.

Oh, Luce, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Well, it's OK.

Nobody else
in the family

seems to give
a crap.

Yeah, I've noticed.

So, you coming?

Where?

To the wedding.

What wedding?

Isn't that what
you're sorry for?

I'm sorry about Grandpa.

Oh, Katie, nobody
blames you.

Two
for dinner?

No. I called in
an order for Collins.

Let me check
on that for you.

What wedding?

Judy and I are
getting married.

Really?

Vows
and everything.

Congratulations.

I sent you
an invitation.

No, you didn't.

It's OK. Everybody
in the family

is pretending
they didn't get it.

I didn't get one.

I distinctly
remember weeding

the family invites
out early. No.

I went to the...

I put them...
wait.

I mailed them.
I know it.

Ah!

I am such
a bonehead!

Stupid! Stupid!
Stupid! Oh! Well...

Here you go.

What are you doing
down there?

It's Ryan.

Little Ryan
from the be--aah!

What are you doing?
He could hear you!

Hi.

Little Ryan...

my childhood friend.

Since before
I can remember,

we spent our summers
together.

♪ Two fire-filled
car mats ♪

♪ Never could
heed that warning ♪

♪ Stay in the sky ♪

He always acted like he had a crush on me,

and I always acted
like I didn't notice.

It seemed like nothing could
ever come between us...

until the last night
of last summer.

♪ A peculiar ride ♪

♪ 'Cause this is
our last chance ♪

♪ And to that big mistake ♪

♪ We are bound to make ♪

His parents were off

camping somewhere
with his little brother,

and everything
was perfect--

the flicker
of the candlelight,

the gentle dancing
of the rain on the roof,

the familiar sound
of a car door slamming.

Katie. Katie. Katie!

I never meant

for anything
to happen between us.

I couldn't let there be
any witnesses.

Woman: I could
heat up some lasagna

if you boys
are hungry.

Oh, hi...Katie.

Nice to see
you again.

Let's hear it.

No.

Come on.
Do it.

No.

One last time.

OK.

This one's
for Dad.

Something is stuck
to my tongue.

Oh! There it is.

Wow.

If I ever...

Single bullet.

To my left eye.

This is a good time.

How can this be
a good time?

Your dad just died.

My family could use
a little good news.

Trust me.

Hey, everyone,
I have an announcement to make.

We sent out
some invitations--

or at least,
I thought we did--

and I was actually getting
pretty angry at all of you.

I suspected
some sort of--ah.

Anyway, myself and Judy--

"Judy and I."

Judy and I would like to--

What is it, Fred?

It's Ted.
Ha ha ha!

What are you
laughing at?

I don't know.

But I can't wait
to find out what

you 2 vaginiuses
are up to.

What did you
just say?

Nice vocab word.

What did he
just call us?

Vaginiuses.

It's a compound
compliment.

You see what
I put up with?

How can you tell me not to
scream my fucking head off?

You're
losing it.

No! These are the people
that you want at our wedding?

Oh, is one of you
getting married?

We both are.

To who?

To each other.

Ha ha ha.

Awesome!

How many friends
can we bring?

Ha ha ha.

Oh, this is so rich.

I think
it's great.

Very great.

Congratulations,
really.

So, where's
the wedding happening?

In a dream?

No, Alice.
In a town hall.

Oh. Look, I just think
it's sad, all right?

Two women pretending
to be married.

I pretended I was married
for 12 years.

And I think that
marriage is based

on commitment
and communication

and not necessarily
the presence of a penis.

Thank you.

Excuse me. My children
are here, all right?

Watch your language.

What, are you worried
they're gonna repeat it?

Burt, are you
gonna stand for this?

Do you hear
what's going on here?

I...uh...

Burt. Burt.
I mean...

At least Burt
and me know

how we're supposed
to fit together.

"Burt and I."

Is that what this
is all about?

Is that what everyone
in this fucked-up family

needs to know--
how we go together?

Well, we often start
by gently kissing...

Oh, I am not
doing this.

I said I am not
doing this.

Fred: Aw, come back!

Aunt Lucy was really
making her point.

So, Luce, since you're
having people perform,

you know, fake ceremonies
and stuff,

why don't you
just have them

announce you queen
or president?

Shut it.

Fred and Ted:
All right!

OK.

Because, I mean,
there are programs--

Shut your
goddamn mouth!

Who just cast
a spell on you!

Oh, here we go!

Make you less afraid
of male genitalia.

Shut it!

Whoa! Whoa!

When did you get
so much stronger than me?

Shut it.

Oh, I forgot.
You're not.

Aah!

Table.

Wuss.

Oh, no.

Whoa!

Guys!

All right. That's
almost enough.

Danny: God.

I love this family.

And you didn't
want to come.

One thing about being

in such
a theatrical family--

it's easy to lose track

of everything that's
happening offstage.

Grandma.

Grandma.

Grandma.

Grandma, are you OK?

Grandma:
I'm all right.

Open up
the door.

Mom.

Clear.
What?

Clear!

Ow!

What happened?

What did you do?

I just slipped,
and I spilled all this stuff.

Somebody please get me
a glass of water.

Get her some water.

I'm fine.
Are you hurt?

Can you get up?

How did you fall down?

She slipped.

Thank you all
so much.

Grandma, what
are you doing?

Mom!
I knew it!

Stop it.

Just stop it.

I am not
doing anything.

Man: Collins.

I'm Dr. Rice.
We pumped your mother's stomach.

It was
an accident.

How did she
accidentally chug

half a bottle
of sleeping pills?

She was cleaning
them up.

With her mouth?

We need to keep her
for the night,

but she's going
to be fine.

She recently lost her husband,
and she slipped,

and I think
she got confused with--

Lucy? Little Lucy
Toothy, is that you?

It's been so long.

Samantha, hi.

Alice.

How are you?

Great.
Just great.

When can we
take her home?

Well, like I say,
just overnight,

and then tomorrow
we'll sign her out

and you can
take her home.

Well, I think...

Could you keep her
for another day,

just to be safe?

Oh, my God.

Bite me.

Skip.

Hey, Sis. Did
they puke her?

All right,
I'll spread it.

All right. Bye.

She unswallowed.

Oh, thank God.
Poor Grandma.

Yeah.

She just wants to be
the star of the funeral.

No, she doesn't.

Hey, Elvis killed himself
because someone

was gonna write a book
about his underwear wrestling.

What?

What are you doing?

Grandma asked me
to speak at the funeral.

Huh. Nobody
asked me to speak.

Do you want to?

Because I have no idea
what to say.

Just say...

He was away so much,

it was weird
to have him around.

I just want
to say something

beautiful
and poetic.

Pop loved poetry.

He did?

Yeah.

All the ones
about Nantucket.

I think his favorite
was about

a little
handicapped girl--

There once was
a girl who was crippled

by the weight
of her overgrown nipple.

I needed to talk to someone

who saw Grandpa clearly.

♪ As I remember your eyes ♪

♪ Were bluer
than robin's eggs ♪

♪ My poetry was lousy,
you said ♪

Dad.

♪ Where are you
calling from? ♪

♪ A booth
on the midway ♪

Dad, are you
in there?

♪ 10 years ago,
I bought you some cufflinks ♪

♪ You brought me
something... ♪

Dad, the door is locked,
and I need to talk.

Katie?

Dad?

Fuck!

Coming.

Dad.

Coming.

Fuck! Fuck!

Ah!

Dad.

Coming.
Coming, sweetie.

Goddamn it!

Is that a joint?

Ah!

Dad?

Yes, boys?

So, uh...how's
that book going?

It's hot.

Can we...help you
with anything?

Maybe, uh...
intern with you?

You can rub my feet
if you want.

Mom has that appointment
with the parson tomorrow.

Yeah. Well,
don't worry,

because I'm
gonna spring her.

She was trying
to kill herself.

Yeah. It's
pretty common.

In fact, after
Scandinavians,

it's the over-70
crowd

that is the most
suicidal.

Well, shouldn't we be doing
something to help her?

No. Mm-mmm.

Because once people
have their mind made up,

there's really
very little

that you could do
to stop them.

There's got to be
something we can do.

Do you remember
that game against Easton?

Oh, yeah. They were
a very tough team.

No, but do you
remember...

Naomi in the hotel
with the oow-oow-oow?

Do you remember?

"Oh, look at how silly
and normal I can act

when I'm not
persecuting my sister."

So...

How often
do you smoke?

You know...

Never
in the morning.

Dad.

I know. That
was really lame.

I just...

I don't know what
I'm doing anymore.

You're mourning.

Yeah.

What?

You're mourning.

Yeah. Yes.
I think I am.

Yeah.

You'd think I'd be
over it by now.

Well, Dad,
it just happened.

No.

He's been dead
for years.

What?

If I just
would have gotten

that stupid
toothpaste commercial.

That was the moment.

I swear to God.

What are we
talking about?

I was the choice

for this toothpaste
campaign.

I was the guy,
and I just...

I could not
say the line.

I literally...
I couldn't say it.

"It's the breath
freshiest."

I just...

OK. I can't believe
I just said that.

I have never been able
to say that before.

It's like a tongue
twister for me.

"It's the breath
freshiest."

Oh, my God!

Ha ha...

Fuck.

Um, Dad, are you OK?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
It's just...

I just feel
sometimes

like I've spent
my whole life

in this waiting room

at an audition,
you know,

and they finally called
my fucking name,

and I just...

And then somebody else
stood up, you know,

and they got my role,

and they've been
living my life,

and I'm just groping.

I've just been
stumbling around

in the dark
ever since then.

Your mom knew.
Your mom knew.

She always said,

"We have to get out
of acting, Daniel."

Mom was an actress?

No.

You just said, "we have to
get out of acting."

No. I must have...
misspelled something.

What?

What?

You told me Mom
was a social worker

who died
of caring too much.

I said she...

What did I say
she did?

Ha ha ha.

Dad, did you lie to me?

No, no, no, no.

No?

No. No.

I probably was just...
protecting you.

So, Mom was an actress?

Well...

Is there anything
I could see her in?

No.

No?

No. Well...

Uh...

What kind of movies
did Mom make, Dad?

Honestly,
it's not that bad.

She never used
her real name.

Do you have any...

Do you have any
Cookie Tushala movies?

I'll check, but we're
probably all out.

Is that
Katie Collins?

Hi.

Hi, Katie.
I haven't seen you

since you were
at the house with...

You're in luck.

And this one's
possibly her best,

just for its utter
lack of story.

We heard about
your grandfather.

Oh, yes. We didn't
know him very well,

but we're very sorry.

Oh, thanks so much.

Yeah.
That'll be $3.50.

Does Ryan know
you're here?

Oh. Wait till he hears
who we saw renting...

Vagina Town.

Ha ha. Thanks.

It's a classic.

Ha ha ha.

How would
I know?

All of my life,

I've wished
I could see my mother.

Be careful
what you wish for.

Man on videotape:
Howdy, ma'am.

Fred: Coming.

I just rode into town
from a long ride on the trail.

We didn't see this town

on any of our
trail maps, ma'am.

Ryan: Hey, dudes.
I'm looking for Katie.

She's here
somewhere.

Cousin Katie!

Woman on videotape:
This here town

is unlike
any other town.

Man on videotape:
Yes, ma'am.

This is a very unusual town
you have here.

Woman on videotape:
I hope you boys

know how to ride
bareback.

Holy Jesus!
His penis!

Most people don't even like

to think of their parents
having sex with each other,

much less with multiple
bad actors.

I had to do something.

Morning.

Morning.

Coffee?

No.

Other families have
these sort of problems,

but they don't talk
about them, all right?

I mean, I'm sorry.
I live in the real world.

I work hard at raising
a decent family.

Oh!

You don't see me prancing around
in my pajamas all day,

starting up pillow fights
with my topless girlfriend.

What are we
talking about?

It won't work.
Everyone knows

that the only gay
relationships that last

are between people
of the same height.

Did you and Lucy
ever get along?

Well, I guess.

Well, when your grandfather
was around, of course.

He kept the peace?

No, no, no.

He just kept us
on eggshells.

He had us all so desperate
for his approval.

Well, look
at your father.

He made a career
out of it.

Morning.

Morning, Danny.

Everybody
sleep OK?

Never.

Danny: Hey, did we have
a blackout last night?

That's what I heard.

We sure did. I couldn't
even find my room--

What?

You found
my room all right.

It was dark.

So you hid
in my closet?

With your kids?

We were lost.

Hey, you guys,
listen to this.

Tell me
how it sounds.

"Grandpa made us aware
that there is

a whole world
of opportunity out there."

He did?

Who are we
talking about?

Grandpa.

Tell her
about the time

that Dad built
us that swing.

That was Carl,
the neighbor.

Mr. Grabby.

Mr. Grabby
built the swing?

Mmm. Oh, he was
so creepy.

He'd put his hand
on your shoulder

and announce,
"You're it."

Then he wouldn't
run away.

He wouldn't even
take his hand away.

Right.

Um...hi, you guys.

There was a lot
of paperwork,

and I had to pull
some strings

and sign
a lot of names,

but she's back.

Grandma.
There she is.

Hi, Mother.

Try it again,
I'll kill you myself.

Alice.

Well, I have to get
back to work, so...bye.

Thanks, Sam.

What happened, Grandma?

Nothing happened.

I was just
a little confused.

About what?

I thought the vows
we took were forever.

They were.

It's just that
your forever

was longer than
Grandpa's forever.

Hi, everybody.

Hi.
Hey, Ryan.

Hey, Ryan.

How are you?

Good. Um...

I'm sorry about
your grandfather.

Hey. You know...

He died. Ha ha.

Yeah. Um...
you know, it's...

You can't, uh...

You want to, like,
go for a walk or...

So...

So...

Still driving a taxi?

Yeah. Yep.

To save up money
for college.

Are you mad at me?

No.

Really?

Really. I mean it.

You're a great kid.

Um...thanks, Coach.

No, I just...
I just think that...

What happened
last summer was--

What?

What happened?

At your house.

Oh, you
don't mean...

that time when
you attacked me

at the movie
theater,

and then you came
over to my place

and took all
your clothes off

and then ran out without
saying good-bye.

Is that what you're
talking about?

Katie.

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Salmon.

Salmon who?

Salmonella.

What are you doing?

Science experiment.

How many eggs
does it take

to make them
say something?

Speak,
young cousins.

Burt, you see
what's going on here?

Burt.

Oh. Uh...

Uh...

Ha ha ha.

Uh...

What has Alice done
to all of you?

Now, this is
my favorite.

Cherry,
inlaid olive,

and real brass
fittings.

At just $32,000,

it's quite
a steal.

Just $32,000?

How much
does it cost

to stick him in
a garbage bag?

Mother!

What does he care?

Mom, it's just
unbelievably disrespectful.

This isn't even
going in the ground.

What?

What do you mean?

Danny: Dad wanted us
to float him out

in a flaming boat.

I'm not sure
that's legal.

Great.

Well, my kids are not
staying for that.

Why doesn't he
want to be buried?

I don't want
to be buried.

No. This is not
about you.

I hate bugs.

Yeah, I have to admit,
I don't exactly get

the whole cemetery
thing myself.

A cemetery is like

an old-age home
for the dead,

a place where you can
visit your loved ones

without the bother

of daily care
and maintenance.

Daily care?

Oh, you'd be
surprised.

Ah, Parson Banke.

Sad business.
Sad business.

This is the surviving
Collins family.

I'm Alice Collins.

Hi. I'm Daniel.

Daniel. Hi.

Hi.

They're mourning the loss
of their beloved Edmund.

Ah. Ah.

I didn't know Edmund

as well
as I should have.

Perhaps if we
had ever met...

Katie.

Katie. Katie.

Katie, Katie, Katie,
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I don't want
anything that may

or may not have
happened between us

to affect
our friendship.

You mean that?

Yeah. I don't have
any friends like you.

So we'll be friends?

Yeah. Always were.
Right?

Thank you.

Well, I don't know
why everything

has to be such a production
with this family.

We didn't need
to buy one.

The basement's
loaded with boxes.

You don't bring
your own, Mom.

But we did buy one.
We bought a box.

So it's over.

It looked more like
a shipping crate, but...

Your father would
have wanted a bag.

Look, could we just
try to act normal

for the next 2 days?

Would that be
possible?

Does that include you,

or are you just telling
everybody else what to do?

Look, don't cast me
in the role

of crazed control
freak, all right?

Then stop
auditioning for it.

I just
wanted to put

my dead father
in a nice box.

You want to put
everyone in a box--

the ineffectual
mother box,

the struggling actor box.

People put
themselves in boxes.

I just label them.

Like the rebellious
teenage lesbian box

that you're still
stuck in at 35.

Stop it. Stop it!

Ladies.

Don't start
your shit with me!

Don't tell me
what not to say!

Aah! Something
is stuck to my tongue!

Try not to worry
so much.

Everything is gonna work out
for you kids.

And always remember
to brush before bed.

Uh, guys...

So, that was
really lucky.

You guys were
right there, hmm?

Yeah. Um...

It was lucky.

Um, you guys.

Sam.

Is she gonna
be all right?

Um, she's...she's
gonna be fine.

She snapped
a few bones,

mostly shoulder
and face,

a couple of ribs.

They slapped her
in a halfie.

Oh, well, that's
good, right?

Can we see her?

Not until she hardens,

and even then, it might not be
a great idea.

She might want to be
left alone,

because usually people
are kind of embarrassed

after an accident
like that.

It wasn't an accident.

Well, it is
what it is.

So, why don't you guys
go home,

and then I'll give you
an update

when I get off of work.

Did she say anything
before she jumped?

"Brush your teeth."

Oral hygiene freak.

Lucy: Shh!

I heard something.

Malice.

Yeah, what ever
happened to Alice?

Yeah. Who dumped her
in the bitch tank?

She wasn't like this
when we were kids.

Judy: Wait a second.
We're talking about Alice here?

Yeah. Alice was fun
and mischievous.

We're talking about
your sister Alice?

Yeah.

We had a dress code
in high school.

We had to wear skirts,
blouses, little vests.

And Alice talked a bunch
of girls, maybe 20,

into protesting it,
so they come to school,

and they're wearing
jeans and hot pants,

and the headmaster
lost it.

He suspended them,
so the next week...

Next week?

What's next week?

Sweetie...

You were
telling a story.

Yeah, you were
telling a story--

Alice and the dress code.

Oh, God. We had
a dress code in high school.

We had to wear
these little uniforms--

No, no.
We got this part.

With the...with blouses
and things like this.

And Alice talked a bunch
of girls, maybe 20--

Fast-forward.

And they come
to school

wearing hot pants
and jeans.

And so the next week,

they come to the school
wearing the uniform,

but they had crewcuts.

You weave
quite a yarn.

No. She was my hero.
I'll have some.

You've had quite
enough, my darling.

I don't know if your
grandparents ever told you,

but I used to go up there
and hang out

when you weren't around,

till your grandfather
hit me with a rock.

Yeah.
You coming?

He said he thought
I was a crow.

I was not
his favorite person.

What am I gonna
say about him?

What would you want
people to say about you?

What could you say
about me?

What would I say
about you?

When I die...
I want to be cremated.

Oh, me, too.

Yeah, me, too.

I want you
to take my ashes,

and I want you
to mix them with the ink

that the government uses
to print money.

Yes. And then
I'll be everywhere.

Mom said that Dad

wants us to put him
in his little rowboat.

I'm not kidding.

And light it on fire

and launch him
out to sea.

Ha ha ha.

Good thing he didn't
want us to eat him.

You know what I would say
if he was here?

I would say, "Hey, Dad.

"Hey, Dad, you have
another kid.

"You have another kid.

Remember me?
Remember the Skipper?"

"Oh, no. No.

"That's my boy.
That's my Danny boy.

He's my boy,
my Danny boy."

Well, what about me?
Look what I can do.

Look what I stuck
to my face, Dad. Huh?

Can I be your boy?
Can I be your boy?

I'm right
in front of you!"

This is good shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's drizzling.

It's nice.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, Sam,
thanks.

Thanks for helping
us so much.

Oh, anything
for you, Alice.

Oh, that's nice.
All right.

Do you want to hear
something really pretty?

A song. I've been
listening to it.

Yeah. OK.

On the way here.

I still think
this treehouse

needs
a second story.

That was one
of our better ideas.

Who knew...
that wood paneling

wouldn't make
a solid floor?

You know.

Everybody.

Yeah, exactly.

And they kept
telling us.

Yeah.

We had a dream.

We did.

Ha ha ha.

I still dream
about you.

Hey, what ever happened
to that guy

that you were
going with in college?

Um...oh, nothing.

Mmm.

Hey, Alice.

You remember
when your father

walked in on us
in the basement?

Were we doing this?

Kind of.

Were we doing this?

Um...sort of.

♪ Come running to me ♪

♪ When things get
out of hand ♪

♪ Run into me ♪

♪ When it's more
than you can stand ♪

♪ I said I'm strong ♪

What are you guys
doing there?

Just looking.

He's fogging up
my window.

Stop.

What is that?

Ryan: We've got to
go inside. Come on.

Be careful.

What are you guys
looking at?

That's Samantha's car.

I love you guys.

Oh!

Aah!

Good morning.

I...

You...ha ha ha.

OK. Um...

Is Alice up?

Are you leaving?

Yes.

OK.

Morning.

Morning.
Morning.

Where is she?

I don't know.

She didn't leave
with Samantha?

Morning.

Morning.
Morning.

Where's, uh...

We don't know.

Well, did she leave--

Skip: No, she didn't.

I saw her get out
of the car,

and I saw her
go towards the woods.

And then she just
became a...

tiny...screaming...

I'm sorry.

There are only 2 hours
before the funeral,

and I really need
some help here.

Skip: Are you
dressing up for this?

Hey, hey, hey,
you guys.

Could one of you
please tell me

one nice thing I can say
about your dead father?

He often called me
Andrea for no reason.

I was Barry.

Wait a minute.
What about...

Remember
Thanksgiving,

and that crazy lady
broke in the house?

Yes, that woman
with the red hair.

Yep, yep,
and remember.

She took the leg
off a turkey

and started banging
it on the table

and screaming
something about Easter?

That's...Easter.
That's right.

You remember
how cool Dad was?

He leapt over the table,
swept her off her feet,

and carried her
out the front door.

"He protected us."

What else?

Why don't you...

read a passage

from Death
of a Salesman?

Ha.

I don't know any.

I do.

Put up your hands.
Goddamn you!

Put up your hands. Ha.

What do you think you are,
better than everybody else?

You don't know
everything!

You don't know, you big
ignorant, stupid...

Put...put up
your goddamn hands!

Put up your hands.
Attention must be paid.

You ratted on us!

You ratted on us.

Skip: Shut up!

Hi, Katie.

Ryan.
How's your leg?

It's...you know...

broken.

I'm sorry.

It's OK. Uh, here.

What's this?

The answer
to your question.

Could we go inside
and talk

before
you read that?

It's kind of...
crazy in there.

Could we maybe
meet tomorrow

before I go back
to school or something?

You don't
want me to...

come
to the funeral?

I'm gonna go.

Danny: Katie.

Katie.

What?

Katie.

What?

Do you see
my cell phone?

No!

Uh!

I knew you'd
kill yourself

if you missed your
husband's funeral.

Mmm...mmm...mmm...

Of course they're
all gonna be there.

OK, you're ready.

Mmm!

OK, here we go.

Mmm...

Yeah, I am hurrying.

Nurse.

Uh, I just have to get her
down to x-ray stat.

I didn't order
any x-rays.

There.

And now...

Ta-da!

And for you,

a hat...

and...

It's a look. OK.

Let's run
some lights.

Touch him.

You.

Looks like he's
gonna say something.

"Could somebody please
scratch my nose?"

We're gonna need
more gas.

I definitely don't want
to do this twice.

I'm just asking
everyone

to stop at my office
after this.

It's on the way
to the lake.

Sure.

Katie, I'm
just asking--

Did you invite
any of his coworkers?

Well...your grandfather
was more of a family man.

So it's just us?

Well, where's
your grandmother?

You didn't hear?

Grandma.

What in the world
happened?

Are you OK?

Mmm...mmm...

She said
she's fine.

Mmm...mmm...

She's happy
to be here.

I don't know.
He looks different to me.

It's hard to picture him
without a twinkle in his eye.

He really loved you.

He did.

Something stuck
to my tongue.

Nice touch.

Bye, Dad.

Why...

do people have to die?

I...

I...I, uh...

My uncle died recently.

He was really...
really the one who...

rai...

He raised me.

Jimmy. Jimmy.
Uncle Jimmy.

Jiminy Cricket.

♪ I am not in love ♪

♪ But I'm open
to persuasion ♪

♪ East or west ♪

♪ Where's the best ♪

♪ For romancing? ♪

Lucy: This is bullshit.

No. I'm sorry.
Screw her.

Come on, Luce.

No. She has made a business
out of persecuting me.

And I'm supposed to sit here
at my father's funeral

and watch her
fuck-sing at Samantha?

Screw that.

Jesus, Luce!

What is wrong
with this family?

Well...

I hadn't heard
Alice sing

since you were
a baby.

She had a little trouble
with the high notes.

Is it too much to ask
that we bury my grandfather

with a little honor
and dignity?

I think it is,
sweetie, yeah.

Lance: You all know
how I felt about him.

He was somebody
I considered to be

a very close
personal friend.

I have here
his last will and testament.

He leaves his house
at 132 Rolling Drive

to his beloved wife Charlotte.

He leaves $1,000 cash
to Kate for expenses.

He also left
a videotape

that he instructed me
to play for you.

What about
his money?

He had no other assets.
I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Hello, everybody.
Surprise!

Ha ha ha!

Before I leave,
I just want to say good-bye

and say a few
other things as well.

First, I'm not
a salesman.

Hell, I couldn't sell
nose plugs to a proctologist.

I never did a day's work
in my life.

I never knew
how to do anything,

except a little
acting maybe.

That's where my Danny boy
got it from.

There's something stuck
to my tongue, too.

Of course, Jerry was the one
with the film career.

What I'm trying
to tell you is...

there were 3 of you.

He always
forgets me.

One in Rhode Island,

one in Mexico,
and one in South Carolina.

Ha ha ha!

If you think raising 3 families
is a lot of work,

you try doing it

without letting them
find out about each other.

Oh, that's a killer.

Talk about leaking money.

Ooh, when I was 20,

I inherited millions,

and now...I'm up
to my prostate in debt.

Ha ha! It was
a crazy life,

but I loved it...

because I love
my 3 wonderful wives

and my 9 precious--

Lance on videotape: 11.

11?

11 children? My God.

No wonder I couldn't get
your names straight.

Anyway, I've had
a great life.

Mmm!

A full life...

3 full lives.

You should all be
so lucky.

Katie Collins,
I'd like you to find

my other 2 families

and inform them
of their loss.

Mmm!

Remember, I was just
as big a part of their families

as I was of yours.

If I've learned anything,
it's to be true to yourself.

Lookit.

He clocked them.

All the way
from the grave.

All this time, I thought
you were his favorite.

Well, I mean, you were
his favorite one of us.

We could have been
his second-favorite family.

I left something
in the...

We could have been
his third.

Congratulations
on the thousand bucks.

Thanks.

What makes you think
they know what they're doing?

This is actually the kind
of stuff they're good at.

Maybe we should watch
from over there.

Yeah.

♪ Love is but a song
we're singing ♪

♪ Fear's the way we die ♪

I never knew.

None of us did.

No. I mean,
I knew your family

was, you know...
a little...

But I had no idea.

♪ Though the bird
is on the wing ♪

♪ And you may not
know why ♪

You know, Sam,
I think

I'll catch up
with you later.

I'm gonna
have a word

with my brother
there.

OK.

♪ Everybody
get together ♪

♪ Try to love one another
right now ♪

Dad, a little
assistance.

Listen, guys...

My pop never told me...

He never told me...

how much he--

Don't.

What?

You were gonna
say the "L" word.

I just want you
to know--

Dad, we know
how you feel.

Don't cheapen it
with words.

I don't want to be
like him.

So leave us
better instructions.

Now, could you
push?

I love you guys.

Dad!
Dad!

I know. It felt weird,
but I did it.

The fuse!

Oh, great.

No worries.
We came prepared.

Oh, great.

Hey, do you remember
Harry Barnes?

Don't give me crap
about that.

I'm not in the mood.
I don't want to--

I'm not giving you
crap about it.

You remember him,
right?

How could I forget him?
He tortured you.

"Hey, here comes
peanut butter boy..."

or crunchy-munchy face
or roasted-toasted...

Yeah, I know.
I just...I wanted...

What?

I just wanted
to thank you.

I just want to
thank you for that.

Thank you for
looking after us,

protecting us.

Really.

He had a glass jaw.

What? He did.

Glass jaw.

He did.

You clobbered
that kid.

No.

Yes. You had

an unbelievable
right hand, Alice.

Alice, please.

You dropped
that boy.

You did. You--

Ha ha ha!

Ow. That...

Ow!

I hope
you hurt yourself.

That really hurt.

I can't remem--

When was
the last time

that the 2 of us just
hung out like this?

I can't remember.

Lucy...I think

you owe your sister
a big apology.

I don't have
a sister.

Did we miss
anything?

There's nothing
left to say.

He ended it all.

Well, let me see
what you got here.

You want a Twizzler?
You sure?

Mm-hmm.

I can remember the day
that you were born.

I can. I remember
the doctor coming in

and saying,
"It's a girl."

I thought, "Finally,
a baby sister.

I'm gonna have a friend
for the rest of my life."

Friend?

You've been making me
feel bad about myself

for the past 15 years.

I know. It wasn't
about you.

Oh, I was there.
It was all about me.

Well, maybe I thought
I was helping you.

Maybe you
didn't think.

All right.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Lucy.

I'm so sorry.

For what?

For not being
there for you,

for not being
on your side.

That's...I wasn't
on your side.

Yeah. Well...

Dad?

You ready,
sweetie?

No.

There's a lot
of good stuff here.

You know, just maybe
skip the part

about him being a
salesman, you know.

You ready?

No.

Uh, everybody.
Can we gather?

Katie's going to honor
what's left of our father

with a eulogy.

Dad, lighter.

Be careful, guys.
I love this lighter.

We don't have
a bagpipe player.

We know
the words.

how many laws you suppose
we're breaking here?

Yeah, I should be
preparing a defense.

Um...we have gathered
here today

to honor my, uh...
grandfather, Edmund Collins--

Shut it.

Edmund was more
than just a great father.

He was a great...guy.

Use your aim,
guys.

Grandpa had
the playful habit

of showering us
with unusual nicknames.

Grandpa protected us
while he was off...

And even though
he wasn't always around,

let's face it,
more than anything,

my grandfather was
a family man.

Sorry.

Move me over there.

Ha ha ha.
What's so funny?

Your father's dead.

Maybe he wasn't the man
we all thought he was,

but he's the reason
we're all here.

So...go ahead and laugh.

He made me laugh.

Just remember,

this is the last
chance you have

to say good-bye
to your father.

Katie, I gave you
a job to do.

Get over here.

And just speak
from your heart.

All right, Katie.

"Did you really
leave me again?

"After all the seasons
I spent waiting,

"watching
out the window,

"listening at the door,

"waiting for the news
of your return,

"for the news
that you realized

"that someone important
was waiting for you?

"A whole lifetime
I've been waiting.

"I can't believe
you're not coming back.

"I can't believe I'm supposed
to stop waiting.

I can't believe
you left me again."

Grandpa didn't leave
because of you.

It was because of you
that he kept coming back.

I hope you all
realize that.

Skip: Nice.

♪ Papa was
a rolling stone ♪

♪ Wherever he laid his hat
was his home ♪

♪ And when he died ♪

♪ All he left-- ♪

So, after it stopped
raining Grandpa,

I caught a ride here.

I'm so honored
and touched.

Thank you for
sharing that with me.

I'm sorry.

I had no idea.

No wonder Edmund
was gone so often.

It's hard to believe.
It really is.

Poor Barbara.

What do you mean?

I don't know
what to say.

You're not Barbara?

Edmund was the best
neighbor I ever had.

Rod Stewart: ♪ Crying ♪

How'd it go?

Oh...

Pretty well, I guess.

I was starting
to think maybe

you ducked out
the back on me

or something.

Ha ha ha!

♪ That's why I ♪

♪ I don't cry ♪

♪ Laughing ♪

♪ Laughing sometimes does
somebody some good somehow ♪

♪ Somehow ♪

Wait. Stop the car
for a second.

♪ That's why I ♪

♪ I'm laughing now ♪

♪ That's why I... ♪

I'll explain
on the way.

♪ I'm laughing now ♪

♪ Loving ♪

♪ Loving never did me
no good nohow ♪

♪ Nohow ♪

♪ That's why I ♪

♪ Can't love you now ♪

♪ That's why I ♪

♪ Can't love you now ♪

"This tape will explain
what this note cannot."

"Vag...in...

a...Town."

What's a vag?

♪ You know I've never been
much like you ♪

♪ And so whatever, I guess
we just can't compare the 2 ♪

♪ And so you got to stay
tried and true ♪

♪ Stick around for now,
it's gonna be all right ♪

♪ You've got the grace,
and I've got the time ♪

♪ You call me
your revelation ♪

♪ Hold me
in anticipation ♪

♪ And all I got
is a fascination ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ I guess I kind of
got lost in myself ♪

♪ And what's ahead of me
is better ♪

♪ But it's not for me
to tell ♪

♪ I got a feeling
it's just as well ♪

♪ Take a ride,
is what you see inside OK? ♪

♪ And everything shines
in the light of the day ♪

♪ You call me
your revelation ♪

♪ For you ♪

So, I think
that brings us to the toasts,

and I think we should
toast my sister

and my new sister-in-law.

So I think the lovely
and articulate Simon

will do the honors, right?

Skip: Big Skip.

Big Skip.
Well, come and prove it.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, here they are.

We're here for these
2 lovely ladies

on this momentous occasion.

And we're all
happy for them.

Oh. Oh, I have a perfect joke
for tonight. Yes, I do.

It's not dirty.
It's not a dirty joke!

It's not a dirty joke.
Just let people have--

It's a simple joke.

These 2 gym teachers
walk into a hardware store--

That's it.
All right.

♪ You call me
your revelation ♪

♪ Hold me
in anticipation ♪

♪ And all I got
is a fascination ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ You call me
your revelation ♪

♪ Hold me
in anticipation ♪

♪ And all I got
is a fascination ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ For you ♪