Ernest's Greatest Hits Volume 1 (1986) - full transcript

Before he went to camp, before he went to jail, before he saved Christmas, before he was scared stupid, before he went to Africa and before he was in the army, Ernest P. Worrell hosted a ...

[music playing]

Hey, Vern, boy, I'm sure glad
you switched from that Uncola.

Sprite's everything
that stuff is--

clear, clean, caffeine-free.

But Sprite tastes better
because only Sprite has lymon.

Know what I mean?


Pop me another one
of them bad boys.

How about it?


Vernon, oh-- uh, uh, my ha--
my-- my-- my hands, Vern.

Vernon, my-- uh--


Hot ain't it, Vern?

Look what your old buddy
Ernest has brought you,

Vern, an icy cold Sprite instead
of that 7Up you used to drink,

because only Sprite's got
the great taste of lymon.

Sprite, Vern-- just
the thing when you're

working up a sweat over one
of these old off-brand air


Know what I mean?

Well there's your problem
right there, Vern.

You see that little
wire right there?

Looks like it's
got a little sh--

[burbling] --ort in it.

My daddy used to work on them.

Hi ya, Vern.

Whew, it sure is
hot up here, Vern.

I bet you'd like a cold
smooth Mello Yello right now,

wouldn't you?

Yeah, I just bet you would.

You know, Vern, there's nothing
like a good old cold Mello

Yello when you're
all hot and sweaty.

I think it sure beats
that Mountain Dew.

[slurps] Ah.

You know what that sound
means in Russia, Vern?


[chuckles] Aaa!

Vern, I-- aaa!



Hey, Vern, look what my
brother-in-law just got

down at Tysons Toyota, Vern--

a brand new Toyota
Supra, a dream machine.

Sexy too, ain't it?
Hey listen, Vern.

Why don't you go in the house
and get you on some long pants

and some of that musk oil?

And me and you will go out
and find us some action.

What do you say?

Good morning, Vern.

Your old buddy Ernest is
fixing you some of his world

famous recipe for buttermilk
pancakes, made with delicious,

nutritious Challenge buttermilk.

See, it's the one with the
little elk on the label.

Only it ain't elk
milk, it's cow's milk.

I mean, who'd want
to milk a elk?

But anyway, all us great cooks
use Challenge buttermilk.

OK now, get ready, Vern.

You ready?

Here it comes.
You ready?

Pancakes on parade.

You better believe it.

Boy, Vern, this
sure is a dull game.

I know it takes
strategy and all.

And speaking of strategy,
your old buddy Ernest,

noted entremanure, has moved
his entire financial kingdom

to the Vernon Savings and Loan.

Know what I mean?

Yes, the vast financial
empire of Ernest P. Worrell

is now earning a whole big
bunch of that filthy luker

on a daily basis.
My move?

Crown me.

Hoo wee!

Cold, ain't it, Vern?

Have you had your coffee yet?

I'll tell you that Convenient
has got some coffee.

I've got to have my Convenient
coffee every morning.

It's so hot, and black,
and rich, and good.

That freshly brewed
Convenient coffee

every morning gets me moving.

I'm movin', movin', movin',
movin', movin' in my Convenient


I'm movin', movin',
movin', movin', movin',

movin', movin', movin', movin'.

I think I'll have a doughnut.

You know, Vern, Cream
o'Weber Hi-Land sour cream

is so good on everything
from potatoes to tacos

that it has inspired
me to write this poem.

I infectionately call it "Sour
Cream" by Ernest P. Worrell.

Actually, it's by
Cream o'Weber Hi-Land.

I just wrote the words.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Sour cream is white
and comes in a tub.

Better watch out, Vern.

Old Ernest is going
to fire this bullet.

Now go on back.
Go on back long.

That's it.
Now button hook.

Now cut on over.

There you go.

Better watch me now,
I'm up on my sports.

I watch Ron Franklin,
Channel 2 Sports.

That Ron's a big-leaguer, buddy.

Ron Franklin is a pro.

Hey, Vern, why don't you go
get that big bad brother-in-law

of yours and we'll
play a little touch.

You want to?



Is this your
brother-in-law, Vern?

Tell you what, how about
I center for both teams?

Know what I mean?

Take out the slack.

OK, Vern, here's the deal.

If I can pull this off--
if me, your old buddy

Ernest can pull this off--

you will buy me a year's supply
of Quality Check milk and ice

Is that it?


A year's supply of them
primo Quality Check products

if I can pull this off?


Edna, gun it.

(SHOUTING) Edna, turn
left at the light.

Hey, Vern, I guess you've been
reading about the Cola Wars.

Yeah, Vern, the big two have
been going at it toe to toe.

But you know, Vern,
I've been wondering

how Purity orange juice
can get in on this.

But Purity orange juice
don't have any caffeine,

or added sugar, or carbonation,
or artificial coloring.

It's just an all
natural, refreshing

drink full of vitamins.

I guess they just can't compete.

But, boy, I like a good scrap.

[growls and snarls]

Hey, Vern, I stayed
up all night to study

for my official Ernest
P. Worrell Mello

Yello-Mountain Dew taste test.

I bet you don't think I can
tell the difference, do you?



Mm, That tastes great.

That tastes great too.

But I think-- well no, I like--

I can't tell the
difference, Vern.

I guess I flunked
the taste test.

I bet I'm going to have to
clean the blackboards again.

You owe me $14, Vern.

You know, Vern, I'm worried
about your financial stability.

That's why you
ought to be watching

News Scope on Channel 2 at 4:30
every day for them money tips.

Know what I mean?

That Bill Balleza has got
consumer reports, Vernon.

I watch it everyday.

That's why I have a working
knowledge of cash flow,

supply and demand, and the
free enterprise system, Vernon.

And that's why you,
Vern, should trade me

Park Place for the Water Works.

Know what I mean?


You know, Vern, there's
nothing like a picnic

in the great out of doors,
being at one with nature.

Know what I mean?

And when you have
a picnic, Vern,

you gotta bring plenty of my
personal favorite, Sprite,

the one with the
great taste of lymon--

mm mm-- the one that undid
the Uncola in that taste test.

Yeah, Vern, nothing makes a
picnic like good food, Sprite,

and fire ants.

Fire Ants?

Oh, oh, oh, Vern,
oh, oh, oh, oh.

Which one do I really want,
Mello Yello or Mountain Dew?


Eenie meenie miney mo.


One potato, two potato,
three potato, four--


Paper, rock, scissors--

Why use all that mathematical
analytical analysis?

I'll just pick the
one I like the best.


Make the Mello Yello move.
Know what I mean?

Vern, I know this to be true.

Trust me on this one, Vernon.

When you go to deal on a
new car somewhere else,

you might only save
this much, Vern.

But your old buddy
Ernest would be

willing to traverse countless
thousands of miles or just

around the block in
order to save this much

on a new Tysons Toyota.

You might call this
phenomenon pizza logic.

I do.

[alien sounds]

(ALIEN VOICE) Attention, people
of Earth and Vernon, important

announcement from Braum's.

The biggest scoop of
ice cream ever placed

on a cone comes from Braum's.

It is the most delicious
treat known to humanoids.

Proceed at warp
speed to Braum's.

Know what I mean?




Hey, Vern, who was that weirdo?

Snappy dresser though, huh?

[alien sounds]



Oh, hi, Vern.

I was just practicing
for the "Price

is Right" with Tom Kennedy
weeknights on WDBJ 7, Your

Hometown Station.

Ming vase?

A steal at two grand.

World War II hand grenade--


Probably a dud-- $3.50.

I can almost hear Johnny
Olson right now, Vern.

Ernest P. Worrell, come on down.


Hey, Vern, you digging a hole?


Did you call the
gas company first?

Why not?

Vern, if you don't
call before you dig,

you could hit a
gas line and really

mess up a perfect afternoon.

Know what I mean?

No heat, no hot
water, you can't cook,

and you're sure not going
to make any new friends down

at the gas company.
Know what I mean?

Uh, Vern, since
you're down there,

get me some night crawlers.

Oh, hey, Vern.

Me and Shorty just took a test
drive in your new Ford pickup.

Handles like a dream.

Golly bob howdy, Vern,
I can't understand

how them boys down
at big Duval Ford

can sell them so dad-blame low.

I guess that's why
they're Jacksonville's

number one volume dealer.

Well come on, Shorty, let's--

oh, Shorty, you shouldn't
have done that in the back

of Vernon's new truck.

Sorry, Vern.

Big Duval Ford, Vern,
the pick of the litter.

Know what I mean?

[smack] Mmm.

Hey, Vern, before you go
in the lake, check it out.

You know what these are, Vern?

These are life jugs.

They're jugs for saving lives.

And you'll see them
all this summer

around public lakes
and swimming areas

from shore to shining shore.

If you see somebody
in trouble, Vern,

you grab them by this
little loop here,

and you toss it out to them.

They're for saving lives, Vern.

And they really work.

But you're not supposed
to play with them, Vern.

You're supposed
to play with this.


Oh, hi, Vern.

Vern, do you realize that
your electric heat pump only

delivers heat at 90 degrees.

Vern, that's less than
my body temperature.

What you need, Vern, is
a new high efficiency

gas furnace like mine.

It puts out heat at 120 degrees.

And it's the lowest cost
heat of any system today.

Yeah, Vern, gas is
the heat to beat.

Vern, I don't feel so hot.

You ought to put me to bed.

Is that good and tight, Vern?

That old sucker's got
to come out of there.

Now, you should have
talked to old Ernest first.

If you'd only brushed
after every meal, got

regular checkups,
flossed everyday,

ate the right kinds of food, and
of course drank plenty of milk,

all this here
wouldn't be necessary.

Would it, Vern?

OK, you ready?

A-one, two, two and half, three.

Ready to try it again, Vern?

Oh, sorry, Vern.

Didn't mean to wake you up.

But I just looked
in your fridge,

and I see where you
finally came to your senses

and got rid of that
old Mountain Dew

and made the Mello Yello move.

Yeah, Vern, you must
have overcome your trauma

and regained your brain.

Well, Vern, you go on back
to sleep and get some rest.

And I'll drink, oh, half
dozen of these and go on home.

Oh, Vern, I like
the little bear.


You buying a new car, Vern?

I know.

Tysons Toyota might be on
the other side of town,

but it's worth the drive.

Know what I mean?

Let me figure this for you.

Vern drives 18 mile to Tysons
Toyota at $0.20 a mile--

that's government standard--
divided by the accelerated

rotation of the Earth minus
the frustration factor equals,

Vern, you're going to save
$53,000 on a $9,000 car.

I don't know how them
boys stay in business.

(SINGING) I-yi-yi-yi.

Hey, que pasa, Vern?

I assume you are
here for the fiesta.

Yes, Vern, a couple of close
personal amigos and myself

are celebrating the fact that
Sprite tastes better than 7Up.

Because only Sprite has
that great lymon taste.

Know what I mean?


Let the fiesta begin.

[metallic clang]

(SINGING) I-yi-yi-yi.

I-- oh!




Be prepared, Vern.

Be prepared to go to the
Scout-O-Rama, Vern, April 16th.

There'll be Cub
Scouts, and Boy Scouts,

and Explorer Scouts,
all doing what scouts

do best-- camping, and cooking
skills, and facepainting,

and fun of all kind.

So catch the spirit, Vern.

April 16th, Scout-O-Rama,
know what I mean?

You know, Vern, you can
make a fire this way.

And, boy, is it painful.




Oh, hi, Vern.

I was just keeping
up with my money

because 24 Action News has come
up with something custom made

for us big time entremanures.

It's called "Money
Matters in Austin."

And it's stuff about money.

You know, legal tender,
your jack, your wampum,

your quest for the long green.

It's weeknights on "The Update."

And, Vern, "Money
Matters" even tracks

your preferred interest rates.

You know, that's where
you might prefer it,

but you ain't going to get it.

They'll bookkeep
you right out of it.

Know what I mean?

Let's have a camera over here,
and then we'll move that way.

OK, Jennifer, these attack
dogs are really vicious.

So I figure we start
the story out somewhere

along the line of--
- Hey, Vern, check it out.

It's Mark Bailey and Jennifer
Mills from your friend

"Forest PM Magazine."

And they're always
doing great stories

on just about everything.

Like for instance,
right now they're

doing one on attack dogs.

And, Vern, never do
this to an attack dog.

Oh no, Ernest, Ernest, don't--

[vicious growls]

He has such a
way with animals.

It's almost psychic.

ERNEST: Woo hoo, whoa, hua.

(SINGING) Tune in June--

Oh, hi, Vern.

Hope you don't mind
me using your shower,

but since you got that
new gas water heater,

you've got plenty of hot water.

It's twice as fast and
a whole lot cheaper.

Know what I mean?

You know, I'm going to have
to call the gas company

and get me a gas water heater.

Vern, would you mind
handing me that cream rinse?

Thank you.


(SINGING) Mm, Alouette gen--

Oh, hi, Vern.

Check it out, Vern.

Ernest goes artist
to help celebrate

National Ice Cream Month.

That's right, Vern.

And this is my contribution
to ice cream, the beautiful.

They've dedicated a month, and
I've dedicated my entire life

to ice cream as art--

ice cream-o de art-o.


And you know the
best part, Vern,

is you can eat your mistakes.

Know what I mean?

[smacking] (SINGING)
Alouette-- hm.


Oh, hi, Vern.

You know, I just got
through watching "The Andy

Griffith Show" on WDBJ 7.

That's right, Vern,
the Mayberry sensation

on Your Hometown Station.

I watch it every
weekday afternoon.

They got Aunt Bea, and Barney,
and Goober, and the whole gang.

I know what, Vern.

Let's me and you play Mayberry.

I'll be Andy, and you be Dopey.


[clock ticking]

[music playing]

Ho ho ho, Vern.

It's me Ernest, Santa's
little party helper.

And look what I brought
you, some chips,

and party dips, and everything.

Merry Christmas, Vern.

You know, Vern, it's
that time of year--

Hi, Vern.

--when people get
together to celebrate

with their friends and
have a good time and-- hey,

look, Vern.

There's Keenan, and
Craig, and Jerry.

It looks like the whole
Channel 40/Channel

29 News Center-- hey, mister.

Hey, listen, Vern, if you need
any more chips or anything,

I'm right next door.

It's no trouble at all.

Just give me a call.

Merry Christmas, Vern.

--the ancient yuletide carol.

Fa la la--

ERNEST: Vernon!


Open the door, Vern.

Happy New Year, Vernon.

Open up, Vernon.

Open up.

Merry Christmas, Vernon.

It's me, Santa's
little helper. ,

Look I brought you something
festive for the season,

some Roberts Peppermint
Stick ice cream,

and egg nog, and sour cream.

Just the thing, Vern, when
those neighbors drop in.

Roberts products are
great for Christmas, Vern.

Ho ho ho.

No, [blows] no, [blows] no.

Vernon, Vernon, I'm the
Ghost of Christmas Past,

and it has come to my attention
that you have not installed

a high tech gas furnace.

For this, Vernon, you will pay.

Know what I mean?

Hey, Vern.

Wake up, Vern.

It's Christmas morning.

Merry Christmas, Vern.

Vern, there's a big
hole in your roof,

and there's reindeer
all over the house.

And, Vern, do you have
a big pooper scooper?

OK, Vern, let me
explain this again.

Sneaky old Mr.
Staleness tries to get

into this bag of
Guy's potato chips

to take out all the freshness.

Do-doop do-do-do-do.

That's why Guy's came
up with this new stay

fresh peel-and-seal strip.

You just eat here, and
peel here, and seal here.

Uh oh, it's sneaky old
Mr. Staleness again.

Do-doop do-do-do-do.

I can't get in.

I can't get in.

Oh, hi, Vern.

I was just getting in shape
for my big bowling tournament

next week.

That's why I'm training on Cream
o'Weber Hi-Land cottage cheese.

It's got your protein.

It's got your calcium.

It's got your primo taste.

We are talking
endurance insurance.

Know what I mean?

Yes, sir, Vern, it
won't be long before I'm

a lean mean bowling machine.

Know what I mean?

Hey, Vern, it's about
time you got home.

Your old buddy Ernest
has got to catch a ride

down to First Federal Savings.

Buddy, they have got everything.

They've got your fast line.

They got your friendly folks.

Nice muu-muu, Mrs. Johnson.

They've got your
automatic teller machine.

[cash register dings]

And they've got my
checking account.

And they'll even help me,
Vernon, if I'm a little short.

We gotta kill them, Vern.

Wipe them out.

Nip them in the bud
and make them scream.

We've got to get Dallas clean.

It's a war on weeds,
Vern, a war on weeds.

They're in your yard.

They're in the alley.

They should be on your mind.

It's a war on weeds.

We've got to weed them out.

Go ahead.

Make my day.

Hey, Vern.
Boy, Vern--

VERN: [moans]

Being in the hospital
is sure rough duty, huh?

Well thank goodness "MASH" comes
on every weeknight on WDBJ 7

Your Hometown Station,
with Hawkeye, and Hot Lips,

and the whole gang.
VERN: [painful cries]

What a riot, huh?

You know, Vern,
if I can swing it,

I'm going to try to come
down here every night

and watch "MASH" with you.

Don't that sound like fun?

Let's see your chart here, Vern.

Hey, Verne, it says
here that you're

getting 50 depositories a day.

Where are you putting
them things anyway?

VERN: [moans]

Well, Vern, you
missed "News 7."

While you were out here piddling
around with this old bureau,

"News 7's" bureaus
were filing reports

from hometowns all
over the Old Dominion,

from the Western
Virginia bureau,

from the central
Virginia bureau.

And their Richmond bureau
keeps me constantly covered

in our commonwealth's capital.

They're your hometown
station, Vern.

They got you covered.


Well, I don't know, Vern.

It kind of looks kind of artsy.

Know what I mean?



Hey, Vern.

Hey, Vernon.


Vern, I'm trapped in here with
all this Purity ice cream.

Don't send help.

Know what I mean?


Vern, you forgot your mop, Vern.


Hey, Vern.


Vern, oh.

Hey, Vern, look what I
found in my daddy's closet.

You know, I bet you this
is from the big one.

You know, WW II.

Boy, I bet them were
some great times.

I know, because I never miss
"Hogan's Heroes" on WDBJ 7.

You know, with Shultz, and
Hogan, and Commandant Klink.

"Hogan's Heroes," weekdays
on Your Hometown Station.

You know, Vern, this must
be some kind of a cigarette



I know nothing.

I see nothing.

Hey, Vern, looks
like you're turning

into quite the little shopper.

Look at those casabas.

But, Vern, them
diet colas you got

are flatter than a
pancake and sweet--


Tab is different, Vern.

It don't have near as much
NutraSweet as them other colas.

And with just one
refreshing calorie,

Tab should make up for this
frozen walnut cream cake

with the double fudge center.

Lighten up, Vern.

Know what I mean?

(CRYING) Hey, Vern.

It's rich.

It's creamy.

It's Purity's premium ice cream
in eight delicious flavors.

Mm mm mm mm mm.

Don't forget, Vern, this is
Purity's premium ice cream.

And these, Vern, are
surely, truly happy tears.

Know what I mean?

Hey, Vern, look down the pier.

You know who that is?

That's Channel 5's Dave
Brown, the Valley sports pro.

Vern, he's the best in
all the Valley sports

and the big time sports too.

Know what I mean?

But when it comes to
fishing, Dave's a rookie.

Because, Vern,
fishing ain't a sport.

Fishing is a art.

Know what I mean?



Big fish, big bait,
know what I mean?

Whoa ho.


Boy, Vern, you sure got a lot
of stale old stuff down here.

I'm going to
stockpile this place

with my personal
favorite, Verne, Sprite.

Yeah, Vern, grapes are
out and lymons are in.

Know what I mean?

First you must let it breathe.



Here, Vern, sample the
clear taste of Sprite,

presumptuously tart,
yet playfully demure.


Know what I mean?

Dear Channel 5,
Vern and me watch

"Eyewitness News" every night.

That Peter Torgerson
is a real pro.

Do you think I could have
the name of his barber?

And Jane Weaver,
[sighs] what a reporter.

I just love her.

And when she's on "Eyewitness
News" my heart skips a beat.

Love, Ernest.

Know what I mean?

Hey, Vern, your
old buddy Ernest is

going to bike down to
Salley's food store

to do a little grub grabbing.

You know, Vern, Salley's
is beating or matching

every major advertised
price in town

at all three
convenient locations.

They're right here in
the neighborhood, Vern.

So I can save some cash
and be back in a flash.

You need anything, Vern?

Because the Salley
shuttle is now leaving.

Salley's Food Store, Vern,
where the savings are

in the bag not in your mind.

Know what I mean?


The armed robbery began--

Boy, Vern, this "Crimestopper"
segment on "24 Action News"

has really been a
big help to Austin.

Know what I mean?

They offer a reward
and everything.

A masked gunman

entered the store--

Wait a minute, Vern.

Where were you last
Thursday night?

Weren't you wearing a pink
beret and rubber shoes?

Got cha!

I'm sorry, Vernon,
it's for your own good.

Crimestoppers-- 4-7-2-T-I-P-S.
All right, Vern.

Crime stopping is
a thankless job,

but somebody has got to do it.
Know what I mean?

Dark colored gloves,

a black leather--

Hey, Vern, I have become
a master of ventriloquism.

I am going to drink
from this glass of water

whilst Bobo here talks.

We offer for your approval
this outstanding selection

of gifts from First
Federal Savings.

They're practical, priceless,
and free to our customers.


Because that's the way
we do it in the zone.

How did he know that?
No Bobo.

I get the gifts.

You're just the dummy.

- [snarls]
- OK.


I'm the dummy.

You get the gifts.


Hey, Vern, cataloging the old
rare stamp collection, eh?

Oh, now that's a
good investment,

kind of like my money market
account at First Federal.

Not only do I get
high interest rates,

but I've got my choice of
a free GE TV, Weber grill,

and a whole lot of other stuff.

Of course, I chose
my personal favorite,

this Hoover vacuum cleaner--

free, Vern.

Boy, it sure does suck them up.

[vacuum whirs]

Well, Vern, you, you should
have had them glued down.

Know what I mean?

[bag rattles]

[sobs] All gone.


You know, Vern, on
these hallowed walls

hang the very people
that shaped and sculpted

my world view, the
people who made

me the very person I am today.

There was Pop, and Mom, and
Davy Crockett, and Abe Lincoln,

and Ron Stone, and Bill Balleza.

And who can forget Jan Carson?

And you know, I think Ron,
Bill, and Jan have had the most

influence on my life,
Vern, because they're

on the TV, Channel 2 News.

Know what I mean?

Yeah, Vern, I keep up.

I am paced with the heartbeat
of the entire low country.

"News 4" is on your side
beaming current events

back to your old buddy Ernest.

Yeah, they're on your
side east of the Cooper,

in Charleston, and North
Charleston, in Summerville,

and Goose Creek.

"News 4" is mobile
whilst I remain immobile.

Any closer to Easy
Street, Vern, and I'd

have to change my zip code.

Oh, oh, ho.

Two-- three-- you're
looking tired, Vern.

Better knock off for lunch.

Look what your old buddy Ernest
brought you, Vern-- some Marva

Maid Slendo 2% low fat milk.

The fresher one, Vern,
made right here at home

by your nearby
Marva Maid dairies.

It gets you a-movin'
movin', movin', movin,

movin, movin, movin' movin.

Marva Maid-- Marva Maid
Slendo 2% low fat milk,

terrific taste, Vern, and
absolutely perfect for us

health nuts.

Know what I mean?

[clucks] I'm movin',
movin', movin',

movin', movin', movin', movin'.

I'm for you, Vern.

Big fun, Vernon, at the
Ernest P. Worrell annual--

only once a year-- fish fry.

It's tradition, Vern, just
like Pine State buttermilk.

I like it in my batter.

I like it on my slaw.

I like it in my dressing.

And I love it in my hushpuppies.

Mm, mm, mm.

I like it straight too.

Know what I mean?

Hey, Vern, I see you brought
the younguns in for a double dip

of that Braum's ice cream.

They're humongous, ain't they?

And big too.

Let old Ernest help, OK?

Now let's see.

Who got the vanilla?

Who got the butter pecan?

And who got the strawberry?

And, Vern, I bet you
got the chocolate.

Don't you want yours, Vern?

Well pay the lady.

Hey, Vern, let's go bowling for
the Buddies of Nashville, Vern.

It's for a good cause.

And every bowling
alley in Nashville

is going to participate
February 12th through the 26th.

A lot of fun, Vern,
and a lot of prizes.

So if you've got any spare
time, let's split and pound

some pins.

What do you say?


Uh oh.

Did you hear the doorbell, Vern?

Hey, Vern, where is that wife
of yours with that pizza pie?

You know, I'll bet she's having
trouble with that old hunk

of junk you drive.

You should have talked to
your old buddy Ernest first.

Know what I mean?

Then you'd have you a classy
new car from Stenger's Ford.

Where is that woman
with that pizza pie?

Yeah, there's nothing like a
classy new car from Stenger's

Ford and a good hot pizza pie.

Vern, what's these dead
minnows doing on my pizza pie?

[coughs] Gosh, Vern, you
trying to kill us all?

Walking around all the
time with that weed

hanging out of your mouth.

Don't you know how
deadly that thing is?

You're just asking for
a case of the big C--

Cancer City, Chemotherapy Hotel.

[coughs] I care about you, Vern.

That's why I'm warning you.

You better give up
them cigarettes, buddy,

or the groundhogs will be
bringing you your mail.

Know what I mean?

One-- oh, hi, Vern.

Is this your piggy bank?

Well I was just trying to make
sure you gave your fair share

to the United Way, Vern.

Because I know
how tight you are.

We've all got to give
our fair share, Vern.

And I'll bet your fair share
is right in that piggy bank.

Oh, I wasn't really
going to break it.



Look what mean old
Mr. Gravity did.

Vern, hey, Vern.

Wha ha ha!

It's me, Vern, your
old buddy Ernest.

And look, I've got everything
ready for our big camp

out in your back yard.

See, I've got everything,
every delicious

flavor of Trauth fruit drink.

Because I know
it's your favorite,

and you don't want
to be without it.

I got you orange.
I got you grape.

I got you jungle juice.

And got you a lemonade.

I didn't remember
everything, Vern.

I didn't remember pest control.

Did you remember pest control?

Hey, Vern, I see you're having
one of them fancy parties.

Going to have all
of your friends

walking around talking
big and acting rich.

And speaking of rich,
Vern, has that radio

advertising convinced
these big time entremanures

to invest with you?

You know, Vern, a bank ain't the
only place to put your money.

And you know what
they say about banks

and their preferred rates.

You might prefer them, but
you ain't going to get them.

Know what I mean?

But with Kemper, there's lots
of ways for people to get

bigger returns on their money.

And that means megabucks
in your pocket, Vern.

Know what I mean?

And, Vern, since I
opened my IRA with you,

next month we'll do
this at my place.

Know what I mean?


I guess you figured out
that my own special interest

group Purity Lovers has rallied
in support of me, Ernest

P. Worrell, for president.

And when I'm living in
the White House, Vern,

my cabinet will be full of those
guaranteed Purity products.

And speaking of living
in the White House, Vern,

I think I'll get
Ronnie on the horn

and find out where
that fuse box is,

or if there's any
septic tank problems,

or anything like that.

(SINGING) A hail to the chief.

He's your buddy
and your neighbor.



Boy, Vern, these family picnics
are a whole bunch of fun,

aren't they?

It's a good thing there was
a Shop-a-minit close by, too.

Because I had to go get more
soft drinks and wienies.

Know what I mean?

Boy, that Shop-a-minit
has everything, Vern.

I mean everything.

You know the old saying, there
ain't no limit at Shop-a-minit.

You know, Vern, all of a
sudden I, I don't feel so good.

Pine State to you.

Happy Pine State to you.

Happy Pine State, dear Vernon.

Happy Pine State to you.

Happy Pine State to you.

Hey, Vernon, thanks
for saving me a seat.

Mm mm mm.

I love these Braum's hamburgers.

Did you see her fix
these Braum's hamburgers?

She made them just
the way I like them.

Cooked them one at a time,
all the fixings, none of them

conveyor belts, no
automatic burger machines,

none of that factory stuff,
just a real hamburger

made by a real human being.

What will they think of next?

Hey, Vern, how do you like
my new pick-em-up truck?

Ain't she a honey?

You know what that is, Vern?

That is a Stenger's
Ford pick-em-up truck.

It's got your heavy
duty rear suspension.

It's got your twin
I-beam front suspension.

And it's America's number
one best-selling pick-em-up.

And you can save so much scratch
down there at Stenger's, Vern,

that you can afford to invest
in some of these object-o

de art-os Comprendo?

Look at it, Vern.

Look at it.

Oh, hi, Vern.

You know, Vern, entertainment
is very important to us

as human beings.

That's why I've invented
this nuclear TV.

When I'm through,
Vernon, I'll be

able to zap TV 24's Elvira,
mistress of the dark, temptress

of the night, right into my
own living room, in person,

in the flesh.

Waa ha ha ha ha ha.

Elvira's where it's at, Vern.
Know what I mean?

Waa-a ha ha ha ha ha-a.

Oh, hi, Vern.

You know that Purity has
really done it now, buddy.

Purity milk now comes
in a solid yellow jug

that keeps light out.

And you know what light
does to the flavor of milk.

See, this here solid
yellow jug protects

that fresh Purity taste, Vern.

So get Purity's new
solid yellow jug.

And then it won't
matter, Vernon, how long

your fridge light stays on.

It does stay on, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does.

You know, Vern, Thanksgiving
is the time of year

when we should all be thankful
for the things we have in life,

like an all natural gas home.

A gas home, Vernon, that keeps
us warm and cozy all winter

long at such a low, low cost.

Yeah, Vern, I'm thankful
for natural gas.

Shall I carve?

What'll it be,
Vern, light or dark?

Guess who, Vern.

Guess again.

It's me, Vern, your
old buddy Ernest.

And look what I
brought you, Vern.

Some of that delicious
Purity chocolate milk.

And it's the real thing, Vern.

None of that fake
stuff, it's a real deal,

made with real chocolate and
whole, sweet Purity milk.

Mm mm mm mm.

You know what, Vern, it's just
exactly like Mom used to make.

Know what I mean?

Happy Easter, Vern.

I like to eat the eyes first.


Yeah, Vern, I've been wrong.

But I see the error of my ways.

Maybe it was just too
many bad jalapenos.

But now I see the light,
Vern, and its on Channel 4,

with "Wednesday's
Child," and "Telepolled",

and "Call 4," and that
"News 4" news team.

And now, Vern, 4's
got me forever.

And now, Vern, I'm
switching you to 4--


You hear me, Vern?



[laughs] Forever, Vern.

Hey, Vern, let your old
buddy Ernest serve you an ice

cold Pine State fruit drink.

It's only $5, Vern.

Come on, this is real Pine
State fruit drink, Vern--

frosty, cold, and good.

I got your orange.
Got your grape.

Got your fruit punch.

And got your lemonade, Vern.

Just $5 a glass.

Come on, this stuff is so good
it ought to be $10 a glass.

I know what they charge
for it in the store, Vern.

A fellow's got to make a
little profit, don't he?

Know what I mean?


Hey, Vern, Bar working
on the old tum tum, eh?

VERN: [grunts]

Should have talked
to old Ernest first.

Know what I mean?

You know what you need, Vernon?

Some Pine State sweet
acidophilus milk.

Sweet acidophilus will help you
digest some of that junk food

you're so fond of.

And besides that, it's low fat.

We're talking minute
caloric intake, Vernon.

Pine State sweet
acidophilus milk

is as good for your insides
as it is for your outside.

You OK, Vern?

Hey, Vern, I guess
you know who that is.

That's Rick Diaz, the
Eyewitness News director.

He heads the valley's
number one news team.

He's one of Channel 5's finest
and a close personal friend

of mine.

I suppose you'd
like to meet Rick.

Hey, Rick, baby,
what's happening?

Hey, Vern, good to see you.

How you doing?

Good to see you again.

[laughs] Hey,
Rick, your magic.

Don't ever change.

We'll do lunch at Padre.

Alo-- oh, hi, Vern.

I was just practicing my
hula bula dance in case

I win big in the Bottoms
Up instant win game

at Convenient Food Mart.

It's easy, Vern.

All you got to do is peel the
seal on the bottom of your cup

to see what you won.

You can win candy, and
snacks, and chips, big bucks,

and one of five big
trips to Hawaii.

Let's see what you won.


Well hey, Vern.

What is that?

Is that one of them new Braum's
country fried steak sandwiches?

Yeah, it is.

Mm, they are good, aren't they?

A real Braum's country fried
steak sandwich, with tomatoes,

and lettuce, and the works.

How's them fries?

Hold still, Vern.

This won't hurt a bit.

You know, Vern, I've been
watching Dr. Red Duke on "24

Action News Health Watch."

And that Dr. Red
really knows his stuff.

Know what I mean?

He has taught me so much about
staying healthy and keeping

in shape that I feel
confident, Vern,

in performing a
little minor surgery.

Now this will only
sting for a second.

Well ease up, Vern.


Looks like you need
mouth-to-mouth resignation.

Now hold your tongue down.

Hey, Vern, cooking out again eh?

Are you crazy, man?

Didn't you hear Robin
Reed's "Pinpoint

Weather Forecast" on "News 7?"

That Robin's got him
a computer, Vernon.

The man is wired for weather.

Didn't you hear
Robin say that it

was going to rain any second?

We are talking pinpoint, Vernon.

Next time talk to the
old buddy Ernest first.

Know what I mean?

I believe them hot dogs
are about ready, Vern.


Oh, hi, Vern.

Just getting in shape.

You know, it's important
to stay in shape, Vern.

That's why I always eat
plenty of these Country

Fresh Lite goodies like
cottage cheese and yogurt.

Yeah, Vern, Country Fresh Lite
keeps me in such good condition

that I can do just
about anything.

Country Fresh Lite
keeps you living right.

Know what I mean?

One, two--

Hey, Vernon.

Look here, buddy.

Have you given your fair
share to the United Way?

You gotta give your
fair share, Vernon,

because if you don't
pitch in your part,

and I don't pitch in my
part, these poor people

won't have a part to pitch in.

Get earnest about
the United Way.

Know what I mean, Vernon?

Happy Valentine's Day, Vern.

Hand me that caramel.

Happy-- [laughter] Happy
Valentine's Day, Vernon.

Hand me that caramel.

Be mine, Vernon.

Hand me that caramel.

Happy Valentine's Day, Vern.

Hand me that caramel.

Happy Valentine's Day, Vern.

Hand me that caramel.

Valentine's Day, be mine.


Happy Valentine's Day.

Be mine, Vern.


[music playing]

Marvel turkey ham, Vern.

[bleep] Just think of
what you can do with it

when you think of it as meat.

Know what I mean?

Marvel turkey, Vern.


Just think of what you can do
with it, Vern, when you think

of it as meat.

Know what I--


Mm, boy.


Marvel turkey, Vern.

Uh-- [burbling]

DIRECTOR: Ah, they're
all over the place.

Squeeze your tomatoes.

Trust Roberts for
your dairy products.

[phone rings]

And answer the phone.


And, Vern, don't forget--


DIRECTOR: And action.

Hey, Vern, Looks
like you're turning

into quite the little shopper.


And enjoy the show because these
new TV commercials, Vernon--


DIRECTOR: Are like warts.

Are just like warts.

From Senton--


Love that Cherry Crisp.

Quality Check, the super good
ice cream from [inaudible].

Know what I mean?

I guess it's--

CREW: Time was good.

It's just exactly like Ma--

Like Mom used to make.

It'll save you up to 30%, Vern.

DIRECTOR: [inaudible].

Uh huh.

You know what you need,
Vern, is one of these new gas

high tech furnaces.

A high tech gas furnaces--

or a furnace that high
tech and runs on gas.

Or a gas high tech--

I'm coming.

DIRECTOR: It's still--

It's I'm getting it.

Cause Marva Maid
farmers and ma--

And the Marva Maid
dairy [mumbles].

And, Vern, don't forget
to thump your melon

and pick up your phone.

My bowling hand, Vern.

It's too late.

You've blown it.

Your rate can't go down.

You-- never-- your
rate never goes down.

This is the most--

Mm mm mm-- number 62
Country [inaudible] [bleep]

62 Country, WSUN AM.

There's what you should
be watching, you fool.

I just wanted to reset
your alarm so you wouldn't

miss that big sale them
boys down at Stenger's Ford

is putting--


Good night.


I'm a bad dream.

Here I am again.

I'm that meatloaf.


[slurps] Ah.

It's in there.


Whose idea was the ice?

The line is-- gosh!

Pancakes on parade.

[bleep] Pancakes on parade.

[bleep] Cause your old
buddy Ernest is making

you his world famous recipe.

Pancakes on parade.


Cause here it comes.

You can save even more money.

Call B&G.

DIRECTOR: Call them--

Call them whatever
you want to call them.

But lets get through
this commercial.

Missing out on big
energy savings.

Swap that old heat pump for a--


--for a new?

You can get them
this week, Vern,

just for buying a-- an in stock
uh car, or truck, or gosh--

can you buy a duck?

Yeah, you can get a duck.

DIRECTOR: That's pretty good.

But you don't get
the VCR with a duck.

you get with a duck?

Gravy you get with
a duck, orange sauce.



That's not very funny.

Now this is funny.

CREW: Cut.

DIRECTOR: Somebody had
to laugh and ruin it.

Who did it?

Who did that?

[music playing]