Ernest in the Army (1998) - full transcript
Ernest P. Worrell is now in the military as a soldier. Once he begins, him and his team investigates a dictator who was responsible for the wars in the nearly village. Suddenly, Ernest finds a lost boy and has to keep him safe until his father recovers.
[wind howling]
[music playing]
[fire crackling]
[coughing]
[groaning]
MAN: Get up!
Get up.
[groaning]
Come on.
Get in there.
Move!
Get up.
[groaning]
PRISONER: Don't!
[groans]
NARRATOR: It has been
the burden of my people
to struggle under the iron
fist of the ruthless leaders
since Nebuchadnezzar created
the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
There all those of us
who, though our efforts
may be futile,
have tried to bring
peace to our war-torn land.
But we tremble.
For it is written that this evil
wind will lure the great eagle
into the clutches
of its ambition,
and the whole world
will come to the edge
of being nothing but a
whisper's vapor in the universe.
The secret, gentlemen, is
in your reach and accuracy.
[clank]
You must have the right
balance and the right power.
Soon, we will invade Karifistan.
[clank]
And the American infidels will
foolishly rush to their aid.
That's right, Kibee.
And then I, Almar Habib
Tufuti, President for Life,
will be the leader
of all true believers
when the American eagle
falls from its perch.
NARRATOR: There
will be one man who
will ride the storm
from the West to humble
the tyrants of the Earth.
I tell you now the prophecy
of a great American warrior.
Good morning, Mr. Worrell.
You're looking at a
trap cleverly devised
by the evil genius
Baron von Titleist.
A mine field.
Mines diabolically disguised
as your average garden
variety golf ball, or
golf astemplis spheracoli.
Your mission, should
you choose to accept it,
will be to rid the
world of this menace
and make this geriatric pastime
safe again for all of humanity.
My voice will self-destruct
in five seconds.
Four, three, two, one.
[IMITATING SELF DESTRUCTION
NOISES]
Let the games begin.
Yeah, another day
on this course.
There's one.
Oh-oh.
Got another one.
Uh-oh.
Steer right.
There's one.
OK, got another one.
[laughs]
Yeah, can't hit me.
You couldn't hit a bull in
the butt with a bass fiddle.
Nice try, lady.
[laughs]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you knock
them, I rock them.
Uh-oh.
Do your worst, Baron Titleist.
Your pock-marked angels
of death frighten me not.
Uh-oh, reinforcements.
We're dumb.
When you're dumb, you're dumb.
GOLFER: Get him, Bill.
[golfers groan]
[laughs]
Don't tempt
these guys, Ernest.
You know what happens.
Special Forces Commander
Ernest P. Worrell
receives his much
deserved hero's welcome.
[grunts]
[clatter]
[laughs]
[yells]
[thud]
GOLFER 1: I think I got him
in the pancreas with that one.
GOLFER 2: Yeah, good shot.
Good shot.
All right.
Whoo, boy.
Hey, great American hero.
Are you gonna make it?
[grunts]
Merely a flesh wound, Ben.
Merely a wound upon my flesh.
Yeah.
[gibberish]
[thud]
[chuckles]
Gosh Ben, thanks for
saving me under-fire today.
Baron Titleist nearly
got the best of me.
A soldier never leaves his
buddy in the heat of battle.
How's that bean head of yours?
It'd be a whole lot better
if you'd let me drive.
Now, we've been
through that before.
Oh, please, Ben,
with sugar on top?
No, no, no!
Gosh!
You never let me do anything,
ever since we were kids.
I let you do stuff.
- What stuff?
- Stuff.
Well, OK, stuff, but
you never left me drive.
Ernest, I can't let you drive.
This is an Army
vehicle, and it is to be
only driven by Army people.
I am an Army people, whilst
you are not Army people.
Gosh, I'll never get to
drive those big camo mammoths
and jeeps and
[inaudible] and tanks
and armored personnel carriers.
Never, ever, ever in the
whole history of the universe
will I ever get to drive.
[slurping]
You could enlist.
Enlist?
Join the army?
Army people drive.
Army people.
Army people.
Army, Army, Army people.
Huh.
I'm telling you, Ernest.
There's nothing like life in
the defense of your country.
Know what I mean?
[chuckles]
ERNEST: Ben, do they let
keep my old underwear...
'cause I hate to break
in new underwear?
BEN: I think something
can be arranged.
I don't know.
I'm too old to enlist.
Not for the
Reserves, your not.
Why, we got guys your age
signing up all the time.
The Reserves?
Yeah, boy.
You'd love it, Earnest, driving
them big rigs on the weekend.
It's like summer
camp for real men.
Well, I was a summer
camp counselor once.
The way you drive that golf
cart, why you'd be a natural
in Mechanized Infantry.
I don't know.
Look, it's not like you'd
ever be in combat or anything.
I mean, you'd be stationed
right here at the base.
I'm not gonna let
anything happen you.
Never have, now have I?
No.
Are you gonna eat
those pork rinds?
No, no.
You take them.
Sarge, are you ready to go?
I was born ready, Bambi.
Bambi, Ernest.
Ernest, Bambi.
Hi.
It's nice to very meet you.
Hi.
ERNEST: Hi.
Let's go, Ben.
Women love Army people.
Know what I mean?
[news intro music playing]
NEWS ANNOUNCER: Our town.
Let's see--
Gosh, I wish I
had a girlfriend.
CINDY SWANSON (ON TV):
Hi, this is Cindy Swanson
reporting for Channel 3--
Cindy Swanson?
[groans]
CINDY SWANSON (ON
TV): --who's just
won the Hoffer Award for the
most unusual locust collection.
You must be very excited.
- Oh, yes.
This means I get to speak--
[kissing noises]
--convention in Michigan.
What an awesome
responsibility.
Oh, yeah, it is.
All the elite--
Oh, excuse me, Mr. Beetleman.
We're cutting away to
INNI for a special report.
This is Cindy Swanson report--
It was mummified by a pharaoh.
NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now,
for a special report
from Frank Williams at the
INNI foreign desk in London.
It seems that Almar Habib
Tufuti, President for Life
of Arisia, is saber rattling
again as these satellite photos
reveal a large
intercontinental missile
being moved across a
southern province of Arisia
toward Karifistan.
You see how far
you can reach when
you use the right club, Kibee?
Yes, I see, Excellency.
The eagle will shudder when
it sees how far you can reach.
You know, I've
never shot an eagle.
A few birdies, many
pars, but never an eagle.
Perhaps, if you
were to keep you
head more still, Excellency?
But who am I to say?
This little beauty
is from Pakistan.
It spits when it's in flight.
Oh, that's very interesting,
Mr. Beetleman, but I'm
afraid we're gonna have to cover
this story at another time.
I'm sorry.
[laughing]
I'm sorry you didn't
get to finish, Cin.
Oh, that's OK.
That story was finished
before it got started.
Thanks.
You know, I have worked
like a dog for this station
for over a year.
I've done everything
they've asked me to do,
but I'm never gonna
get to INNI reporting
dorky stories like this one.
I need a really big story
to put me over the top.
Well, you hang in there, Cin.
You'll get your chance.
Maybe.
[laughs]
Yeah, right.
[sighs]
The Army.
Yeah, maybe that's it.
I'd be an expert on
driving those big rigs.
Gentlemen, this is your GNC
Napa Sonoma Mendocino 3000.
It is the ultimate
urban assault vehicle.
It has 67 cylinders,
3000 horsepower,
seating capacity-- one.
[clank]
[crash]
It has endoroflex suspension,
monoflatulating corroboration,
and all models made after 1997
has the extra large cup holder.
The body is solid unibody
and is made by the US
Army Corps of Engineers.
[clatter]
Doors are optional.
This vehicle is your friend,
it is your companion,
it is your long lost love.
You will treat this
vehicle with respect,
or I will cut your
guts out with a rock.
Do you understand?
Now, gentlemen, are
there any questions?
[crackling]
I didn't think so.
[crash]
[grunts]
Joining the Army is
the best decision you'll
ever make in your entire life.
Just change this
cap for a GI cap.
Get rid of these
blues and greys--
For browns and greens.
And as they say--
You're in the Army now.
But what about boot camp?
What about tough GIs, grueling
work, the breaking down
of one's self-esteem with
strong language, insults,
and the clever use of profanity?
What about that?
You're not in the real Army.
You're in the Reserves.
We drive trucks
on the weekend.
And talk on the radio.
And party all the time.
So it's time to rock and roll.
ALL: (SINGING) A-R-M--
Why?
Why?
Because we're Army people.
ALL: (SINGING) P-O-P-L-E.
BEN AND ERNEST: Poople?
- What's wrong with poople?
[thunderclap]
Comrade Blatz report
for midi-sector.
I want to know how a
pipsqueak despot like Tufuti
get a pluton missile.
No excuse, Boyard, but
we have no information
of missile origins.
For that missile,
Comrade Blatz,
we could blackmail entire world.
Every nation on Earth would
have no choice but to bend
to my personal demands.
I must have that missile!
NARRATOR: So the wondrous hands
that mold the events of men
will set the great
American warrior on course
to his destiny.
While in other parts of the
world, the weak and oppressed
struggle to survive.
Knowing when to
buy and when to sell.
It's perfect.
I am Ben-Ali and I know
of strange and dangerous
cults that own this city.
You can charm them off with
the charm of the Geshua.
Get away from me, parasite.
[grunts]
Get away, and don't come back!
The charm of the Geshua
is only one dollar.
I need to feed my sister.
We sick.
Feed at the baker's kitchen.
Now, leave us alone
before I have you jailed!
No!
What I was saying is that--
[indistinct speech]
Hey!
Hey, come back here!
Come back you thief!
[grunts]
[tires squeal]
[laughs]
Take it easy, man.
ERNEST: Sorry.
Wow!
This is great.
Jock them, chock them,
lock them, and cruise
them on down the highway.
BEN: What did I tell you?
There ain't nothing
like being Army people.
Gosh, Ben, you
really mean it when
you were talking about
taking care of your buddies.
You're about the best
friend I've ever had.
Every time, bud.
Every time.
[tires screech]
Hey!
Hey, watch it.
Watch it.
Watch what?
What kind of idiot
was driving that truck?
Want me to drive?
No, no, I'm fine.
I'm OK.
MAN: Look out.
Hey, watch that car.
Watch out.
MAN 2: Ooh, wow.
Ambassador, this mission
is not going to be easy.
Not only that, Colonel
Gullet, the Americans
aren't overjoyed at
being under UN command.
You will have to win this
American general over, maybe
find out what motivates him.
What motivates him
is what motivates
every American general.
Publicity.
[camera bulb flashes]
Barnes!
Sir?
Shouldn't we be doing this
out in the field someplace?
What's with all this
stupid blue paper?
We use it to strip in
backgrounds like Omaha
Beach, Saigon, Baghdad.
Through the magic of
computer composing,
we can put you
right in the action.
The devil, you say.
Mm-hm.
That's enough for now.
Get me the proofs tomorrow.
- Yes, sir.
We have a deadline
on the press kits.
Right away, sir.
General, Ambassador
Kitchen and a Colonel Gullet
from the UN Peacekeeping Forces
will be here any minute now
for a 10 o'clock appointment.
Barnes, I don't want
to talk to some pompous,
stuffy, egomaniacal ambassador.
- The press loves him, sir.
- They do?
Well, show him in!
Yes, sir.
Howdy, Ambassador.
Your Excellency.
BARNES: They're here, sir.
Act noncommittal.
Good.
I don't know, old bean.
Excellent.
Very good.
[sighs]
Good afternoon, General
I am Ambassador Kitchen
and this is Colonel Gullet.
Welcome, gentlemen.
Please, have a seat.
Now, what can I do for you?
As you know, Tufuti has been
kicking up his heels again.
And this time, he plans to
invade the sovereign state
of Karifistan.
And on top of that,
there is evidence
that he has a pluton missile.
Ah, Washington doesn't want
him messing up the oil prices,
huh?
[laughs]
[sighs]
Rough room.
The UN Security Council
has chosen your Reserve Unit
as a support team for the
UN Peacekeeping Forces
under the command of
Colonel Gullet, here.
What?
Support team?
You wait a John
Wayne minute, mister!
My men are a fighting,
killing machine!
We don't take
orders from anyone.
Especially some guy
wearing a beret.
You're not French, are you?
Barnes, is this man French?
You know I hate the French!
Sir--
AMBASSADOR: Please
let me explain.
Colonel Gullet will be
handling the day-to-day duties,
but in matters of importance,
you will be consulted.
Who will be making
the press briefings?
Why, the General, of course.
Well, then, you can
consider the 97th Reserve Unit
at your disposal,
Colonel Gullet.
Go on.
Go on.
[sighs]
All right, Pierre, our
troops are your troops.
I'll brief your
men at 1600 hours.
Yeah, it's a good thing.
The killing machine's
only here on the weekend.
[sighs]
What?
Did I say something wrong?
No.
No.
Have a nice day.
[phone rings]
Cindy Swanson, WZEB.
BARNES: Remember me, Cindy?
Unfortunately.
I've got something you want.
Barnes, this is an actual news
phone line, not a 900 number.
The 97th is being
sent in to support
UN troops in Karifistan.
No way.
The 97th Unit is a Reserve Unit.
They're outta here
in a week, and General
Lincoln's leading the charge.
[laughs]
Wait a minute, has
Washington lost its mind?
Don't answer that.
Who else knows
about this, Barnes?
Only you, for now, baby.
Now, when can you and I, uh--
Thanks for the tip.
You're not gonna believe this.
I gotta call the boss.
[dialing]
Ow!
God!
[tires squeal]
[crash]
[laughs]
Some drive, huh, Ernest?
Yeah.
Army life is great.
Hey, you want an Ooey
Gooey Toad Gummy?
Oh, no.
They're too sticky for me.
It takes me a week to
get them out of my teeth.
You just gotta
know how to eat them.
It's an art form few
real men possess.
We've gotta get to the
parade ground like now.
Some big muckety-muck
from the UN is here.
We're on our way.
[chewing loudly]
MAN 1: Move it.
Move it.
MAN 2: Slow down.
[sucking]
MAN 1: Come on, you guys.
Step it up.
Step it up.
[grunting]
ERNEST: Oh.
Ooh.
Thanks, Ben.
- Come on.
Let's go, Ernest.
[murmuring]
Do it as rehearsed.
ERNEST: Are you
sure you don't want
an Ooey Gooey Toad Gummy, Ben?
[murmuring]
At ease.
[murmuring]
Get me a close-up.
Men, God has truly smiled
down upon you this day.
Out of the entire United
States Armed Forces,
you and you alone
have been chosen
as an elite fighting unit.
Never in the history
of warfare has
such an awesome
responsibility been
placed on the shoulders of
such brave and noble souls
as yourselves.
Colonel Gullet.
Make it snappy, Pierre.
These guys go home at 5 o'clock.
I am Colonel Gullet,
UN Special Forces.
You will be under
my direct command.
This unit will be
my support unit.
You'll cook all the
meals, clean the toilets,
police the grounds, wash the
equipment, unload the trucks.
You'll perform
each and every task
you are told, when you are
told, while on this peacekeeping
mission to Karifistan.
Karifistan?
I can't go to Karifistan.
I don't know anybody
in Karifistan.
I don't speak Karifistanese.
And besides, my lips will peel.
Soldier, do you
have a problem here?
Yeah, I've gotta pickup
golf ball next week.
What's that in
your hand, private?
Ooey Gooey Gummy Toads.
You want one?
Get rid of them!
[guzzling]
[chewing loudly]
- Barnes.
- Sir.
Who is this man?
He's a new recruit, sir.
Have him flogged.
We can only do that
in Singapore, sir.
[chewing loudly]
And the box!
[grunting]
Ohh.
COLONEL GULLET: General,
what kind of Army
are you running here?
You wouldn't find this
bean head under my command!
Who does he think he is?
Easy, sir.
Easy.
When they get back
from Karifistan,
you won't recognize this
bunch of blockheads!
Look at you!
Shoulders back!
Stomach in!
[spits]
[mumbling]
Ew, ew, ew, ew.
[laughing]
Sir.
Hang on, Colonel.
I'll get it off.
Stay calm, sir.
I'll have you out
in nothing flat.
Here, I'll need
this for leverage.
[squishing]
Here it goes.
[grunting]
Sarge!
Corporal Davis!
Hey, guys, hold him down.
[murmuring]
Don't worry, Colonel.
You'll be able to
breathe in just a minute.
[groaning]
Barnes, shouldn't
we do something?
I think we'd better
stay out of this one, sir.
[grunting]
- That's it.
Pull it.
Come on!
One, two.
Gosh.
[clamoring]
Pull!
[grunting]
BEN: What are you doing?
[chuckles]
ALL: Whoa!
[clatter]
[crash]
[hissing]
Ooh.
[laughing]
[clears throat]
How do you like that, Pierre?
[groaning]
Eww.
[thud]
I told you I'd get it off.
[laughs]
Know what I mean?
- Oh, Ernest.
Don't worry, Ben,
I'll explain everything.
The General seems
like a swell guy.
I'm sure he'll understand.
And, besides, no one is
impervious to the Worrell
charm.
- Please, Ernest.
When we go in
there, just shut up
and let me do the talking, OK?
But, Ben.
Ben, nothing.
I can handle the General.
Just remember what I said.
In the Army, you always
look out after your buddy.
I'm gonna get you, Worrell.
If it's the last thing
I'd do, I'm gonna get you.
You know, Ben, I don't
think the Colonel is
as familiar as we are with that
"taking care of your buddy"
stuff.
GENERAL LINCOLN:
Sergeant Ben Kovsky!
[gulps]
How tough should I be?
Like an iron fist,
in a soft glove.
Ah.
Remember what
happened to Patten.
Oh, yeah.
OK, let's go.
[clears throat]
Private Ernest P. Worrell
and Sergeant Ben Kovsky
reporting as ordered, sir.
Well, Private Worrell, what
do you have to say for yourself?
Well, sir.
Worrell, you have one
weekend of military service
and you have nearly
jeopardized the entire UN
Security Council mission!
BEN: If I could explain, sir.
And you, Sergeant Ben
Kovsky, you should know better.
[heart beating]
The image of the 97th
is at stake here,
and now the whole world
will be focused on me-- us!
I have no choice but to
relieve you of your duties!
[groans]
[thud]
Ben?
What's wrong?
I knew it.
Too tough!
Barnes, I was never here.
It never happened.
I was at the Officer's
Club the whole time!
But General, sir.
Call the medic!
Call an ambulance!
I learned CPR on Oprah.
[inhales loudly]
[screams]
[machine beeping]
Hey, Ben.
How's my favorite Army people?
I brought you some
stuff from the PX,
but they're a little funny
about what you could eat,
so I brought you the pork rinds
but without the hot sauce.
This is all my fault.
What was I thinking?
All I wanted to do was
drive the Army big rigs.
Ben, you're the best fiend
I've got in the whole world.
Without you, I
wouldn't have anybody.
And if I ever lost you, I'd--
[sobs]
WOMAN (ON PA): Visiting
hours are over.
All visitors, please
leave the hospital.
Well, I gotta go
now, Ben, but I'll say
a little prayer for you, OK?
You-- you hang in there, buddy.
[clatter]
No.
[fast beeping]
[gasping for air]
This thing came out.
I'll put it back in for you.
[slurps]
[jabs]
[labored breathing]
It won't stay.
OK.
[screams]
It's staying there now.
I gotta get it going.
[grunting]
[erratic beeping]
OK, you get some rest.
[shuddering]
Allah, be praised.
Gentlemen, behold my special
club, the pluton missile.
With it, I will bring the
infidels to their knees
and be leader in the Arab world.
Kibee.
Commander, I want you to
personally have our tanks
delivered this to King Chirac.
[cheering]
[gunfire]
NARRATOR: Once again,
history spewed forth
a wave of aggression
that swept the land,
and everything in its path
was crushed beneath the treads
of its ambition.
There was little to stop
evil's triumphant march.
Ben-Ali, you must come!
The tanks are coming.
Everyone in the
village is leaving.
Come.
Come.
Yes, I come.
NARRATOR: So the
beast lured the eagle
by devouring the defenseless,
and an orphan child
wept, praying, hoping,
looking for the liberator
of his land and his future.
Even I could have told you
he wouldn't go for that one.
It's the biggest
story in the world.
The Americans sent to
Karifistan and our own 97th
Reserve Unit leading the way.
This story could break me out
of this dinky little station.
Now, come on, Cindy.
You knew the boss
wouldn't spring
for a ticket to the Middle
East when the 97th ships out.
Ships out.
That's it.
Don't.
CINDY: Thanks, Danny
[news intro music playing]
NEWS ANNOUNCER:
With INNI, you are
there in Operation Sand Trap.
President Tufuti of Arisia has
invaded the neighboring country
of Karifistan today.
Our staunchest ally in the
Middle East, King Chirac,
has asked for
intervention by UN Forces.
President Powell has ordered
immediate deployment of troops.
Soldier, do up that lace.
Try to look sharp.
Yes, sir.
ERNEST: You know, Corporal,
for your own safety,
you should never let anyone
else pack your chute.
Welcome aboard, Worrell.
Oh, thanks.
What's the movie on this flight?
I hope it's not another
chick flick art film.
They always look so brown to me.
I've got two words
for you, Worrell--
friendly fire.
You know, I think
he's warming up to me.
He actually used
the word "friendly."
Look at it this way, Ernest.
After Operation Sand
Trap, me and you,
we'll be desert heroes.
Desert heroes.
(DEEP VOICE) Legends
of the Sudan.
What is the measure of a man?
A yardstick?
Nay.
His heart.
His dedication to
God and country.
The sort of car he drives.
Give me a man who will
work through lunch battling
insurmountable odds to
spit his last bloody breath
into the face of the enemy.
A man who will never once
complain about sunburn
or painful underwear itch.
Live each day as if it were
your last because someday,
he will be right.
No prisoners.
No prisoners.
No prisoners.
[muffled speech]
Communique from Interceptor.
It's About time there
was some progress.
Yes, sir.
He is airborne.
Good.
Good.
Soon FIT will have
pluton missile
and Operation Payback can begin.
SOLDIER: Left.
Left.
Left, right, left.
Left.
Left.
Left, right, left.
Left.
Left.
Left, right, left.
You know, I think I
brought too much carry on.
I should have checked
a lot of this--
If they're going
down the hole, follow.
I shoulda checked a lot of
this stuff at the baggage.
Hey, does anybody want a juice?
I think I've got
some olive loaf.
Beautiful, General.
Beautiful.
Now, if you could just turn
your body toward me, sir.
I want to try and catch
that flight of F-18s
in the background.
N-- no, they're ours.
Their ours, sir.
- God bless them.
Now, sir, if you could just
turn your head a little bit
to the right.
I'm trying to lose that
cold sore on your lip.
Shaving cut.
BARNES: I'm sure, sir.
I'm sure.
Good.
Good.
Stand by.
Action!
(SHOUTS) Charge!
And cut.
All right.
OK, Lloyd, let's do lunch.
Come on.
I know this nice, new place.
Do you like fish?
This place called
the Hairy Prawn.
You'll love it.
SOLDIER: Left, right, left.
Hold it!
Hold it.
SOLDIER: What's
going on up there?
[inaudible]
further up the beach.
It's a baby blue jellyfish,
or gelacticus swim fasticus.
It is native to the
warm waters of Zanzibar
and feeds primarily upon
plankton and other forms of--
What are you doing?
Oh, hi, Colonel.
This is a gelacticus
swim fasticus,
or baby blue jellyfish.
It is common to--
Shut up!
But it's still alive.
You're stopping the
entire combined force
of the world for a jellyfish?
A baby blue jellyfish,
or gelacticus swim fast--
Give me 20, soldier.
Gosh, 20.
That means I can't go--
On the ground, idiot!
[grunts]
One, two, three--
All right, enough
wild life education.
Let's move it out!
SOLDIER: Left.
Left.
Left, right, left.
14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19--
1,221, 1,222, 1,223,
1,224, 1,225, 1,226.
One-- one thou-- That
out to be enough.
I hope I can catch
up to these guys.
[panting]
You are American?
Yep, born and bred in
the land of the free.
You ever been to
Karifistan before?
No, never been further
east than Savannah.
Well, there are some
strange and dangerous cults
and curses in the Middle East.
Yeah, I know.
I saw them on cable.
So you know you need one of
these or all manner of trouble
will befall you.
The charm of Geshua.
Let me see that.
50 bucks, US.
50 bucks?
Do I look like I have stupid
written all over my face?
60 bucks.
60 bucks?
That's outrageous.
It has good luck
too, at no extra costs.
You mean, it comes with
all the bells and whistles
and everything?
All of them.
OK, $65 and that's
my last offer.
OK, but you robbing me.
OK.
All I got's a
hundred dollar bill.
Wait here.
I'll bring you change.
Gosh, I hate taking advantage
of a little kid like that.
I sure hope he makes it
back soon with my change.
This is the Arabian
Desert, gentleman.
It is hot, cruel,
and unforgiving.
This is the chemical
weapon the enemy uses.
It is highly toxic and can melt
the skin off a tyrannosaurus.
In the event of
such a gas attack,
you'll need a working
knowledge of your gas mask.
Place the mask
fully over your face
and adjust the straps to
ensure there are no gaps.
Continue to breathe normally.
[exaggerated breathing]
[yelling]
It is an essential part
of your military equipment.
It will be kept clean and free
of dirt and foreign objects.
Abuse of military property
is not to be tolerated.
Worrell, get back in line!
Worrell, get back in line!
Worrell, do you hear me?
What do you think you're doing?
Worrell!
Worrell, give me that!
[muffled speech]
Worrell, have you
lost your mind?
Worrell, get back in line!
[squeaking]
Can you hear me, Worrell?
This is disobeying orders!
[groaning]
Worrell, no smoking on duty!
Worrell, I'll see you
court marshalled for this!
[groans]
[thud]
I'm with the press.
OK, you guys.
I'll catch you later.
Ooh, hurry up, man.
I'm bursting.
Right on through.
Thanks.
You wouldn't happen to--
And when the smoke clears,
you'll be singing soprano.
And finally, the newly
developed rock mines.
The one on my right
is an ordinary rock.
The one on the left
will rock your world.
Handle this one carefully, men.
Hm?
COLONEL GULLET:
They're very sensitive.
They're perfectly camouflaged.
A good bump will definitely
turn you into a fine red mist.
Hm?
Give me the mine, private.
Give it to him.
Give it to him, Ernest.
Eenie, meanie, miney--
One potato, two potato--
Paper, rock, scissors--
The mine!
SOLDIER: Ernest, give it to him.
General!
GENERAL LINCOLN: I'm busy.
[kaboom]
[yells]
[crash]
[coughing]
SOLDIER: Can I keep the rock?
Sir.
Carter, Rosen, at ease, men.
Cut.
Keep that take.
I want that one for myself.
[chuckles]
[helicopter noise]
SOLDIER: Private, get over here!
Hey, Ernest, where
are you headed?
I'm gonna go whip
up my special pancake
breakfast for the troops.
I'll warn them.
BOY: No!
Stop!
Leave me alone!
That's mine!
Hey, what's going on there?
You leave that boy alone.
You saved my life.
I owe you everything.
I will return all of your money.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
It's OK, little fella.
It's OK.
Oh, no.
They would have killed me.
I owe you, sahib.
Here, here is your
money with some extra.
Well-- well, what's your name?
Ben-Ali will be
in your service
for as long as I breathe.
I had a good buddy
back home named Ben.
I am good buddy now.
Good buddy forever.
My name is Ernest.
Ben.
Ben, close buddy to Ernest, eh?
Um, Ben, I've got to go
now and cook breakfast.
Do you like pancakes?
Yes.
I kinda thought you would.
[news intro music playing]
NEWS ANNOUNCER:
With INNI, you are
there in Operation Sand Trap.
UN Peacekeeping Forces have
established a firm beachhead
in Karifistan, but now Tufuti is
in possession of a pluton bomb.
What started out to be a
simple peacekeeping mission
has put American
troops in harm's way.
This deadly game may
escalate beyond control.
Excellency, news from
the northern commander.
Yes, Kibee?
Northern Karifistan
has fallen.
The UN has established
a beachhead.
The eagle has perched
in your cross-hairs.
Excellent.
Tell the commander to send
me four of his best men.
It's time to move
on to the next tee.
As you command, Excellency.
[laughs]
(FRENCH ACCENT) Bonsoir,
monsieur, and welcome
to "Cooking with Ernesto."
Today we're going
to attempt my world
famous recipe for GI
pancakes, or as I call them,
crepes khaki.
First-a, we and a few eggs.
[clank]
Eww.
Perfect.
Now, we add the mix.
Isn't that too much?
It is a creative thing, Pepe.
You will understand
when you are older.
Now, we add enough water to mix.
[spraying]
Eww.
It is perhaps a bit thin.
We will add a bit
more mix to thicken.
I see.
[blowing]
Ah, perfecto.
Now, it is time
to test the grill.
[sizzling]
Ah!
Ah, Ben!
(MUFFLED) Ben, hand
me the spatula.
A bababa?
The spatula.
Ah, a bababa.
A spatula.
Oh.
One of these?
Uh-huh.
Funny.
We call them spatulas.
Oh, give me that.
[sighs]
Oh, morning.
Pancakes?
[grunting]
[clank]
Wh-- whoa.
[crash]
Sorry.
Good morning.
Morning.
[grunting]
[clank]
[grunts]
Sorry, that one's dirty.
Here, let me get
you another one.
No!
No!
I got blueberry.
SOLDIER: No way, man!
Would you like the blueberry?
[sawing]
[fizzing]
Seconds?
Have you tried these?
[clank]
[crunch]
Mm.
Good.
Needs a little syrup.
Ben, hand me the syrup.
Thanks.
[chuckles]
Mm.
Mm.
That's better.
[clank]
[whoosh]
[clank]
Ooh!
Ben, what do you
want for breakfast?
I think I'll take my
chances on the street.
Can you get me a cheeseburger?
Hi.
Excuse me.
Guy, oh.
Hi.
They hate it when
you punch holes
in these armored
personnel carriers.
Has this happened before?
Only on pancake day.
Usually, the eggs just
kinda eat the paint off.
[chuckles]
Could you, um--
Never mind, it's OK.
I can't believe it.
It's my dream come true.
It's-- it's Cindy Swanson.
She's here at Karifistan.
Is that your girlfriend?
Well, no.
Not really my girlfriend.
We just kind of--
I mean, I just know
her from seeing
her on the Channel 3 News.
Oh, this is my lucky day.
See, the Geshua charm works.
Can I help you with your bags?
Oh, are you a mirage?
No, ma'am.
Southern Baptist.
Thank you, I'm Cindy Sw--
I know, you're Cindy Swanson
from Channel 3 in the states.
I'm your biggest fan.
And you are?
Oh, Private Ernest P.
Worrell, at your service.
- At ease, Worrell.
- Oh, hi, Colonel.
This is Cindy Swanson.
You know, from Channel
3 in the states?
A close personal friend of mine.
Colonel Bradley Gullet.
Hello.
I'll take it
from here, Worrell.
Oh, really, sir,
it's no trouble at all.
I said I'll take it from here.
Yeah, Cindy, the Colonel
can handle your bags.
He's real strong.
I'll see you around, Cindy.
Thanks, Ernest.
- You're a reporter, huh?
- Mm-hm.
Well, stick with
me, Miss Swanson.
When it comes to
getting a scoop,
it's strictly who you know.
Private Dawson, get those bags.
I guess the Geshua
charm didn't work so well.
Neither did the Worrell charm.
There are many ways
to feed a camel, Master.
Know what I mean?
Do you mean Cindy
is a camel master?
[chatter]
All right.
Now, remember General,
be sure to look
straight into the cameras.
America, and the rest of the
world, is staring back at you.
- Can I look at my notes?
- Don't look at your notes.
Don't look at my notes?
BARNES: Don't look
at your notes.
And don't take any questions
from that round haircut at CBS.
- Oh, I hate that dork.
- Yeah, me too.
You got your Nam metals on?
Affirmative.
Act natural, warm.
Friendly, but firm.
- Firm.
Firm.
A general's firm.
- A general's firm.
- All right.
That's right, tiger.
Now, get out there and
take your best shot.
Barnes!
What if I get a book
deal out of this?
Don't worry, we'll
get a ghostwriter.
- A ghostwriter?
- Powell's got a ghostwriter.
Really?
I did not know that.
Run along.
Run along.
REPORTER: General!
[snoring]
COLONEL GULLET: Gentlemen, may
I have your attention, please?
It appears Tufuti has more
firepower than anticipated,
so we must escalate the contact.
You men will be moving toward
the front lines at 0600 hours.
That's in three hours from now.
Nighty night.
Sleep tight.
SOLDIER 1: Boy
SOLDIER 2: Oh, man.
I thought we
were a supply unit.
I didn't think we'd
actually see combat.
Combat?
[gulp]
Don't be afraid,
Corporal Davis, Ernest
is the great American warrior
my father talked about.
He will protect us all.
That's right.
I'll just-- Ben!
What are you doing under there?
I stick by my
good buddy Ernest.
You said buddies stick together.
Oh, Ben, you can't stay here.
You've got to go home.
Your folks will worry about you.
Did you hear me, Ben?
You've got to go home.
I have no home.
This is my home now.
Well, what about your family?
My mother was killed
by Tufuti's [inaudible],
and my father went to
fight in the resistance
and never came home.
[cries]
I'm sorry, Ben.
Don't worry.
Everything's gonna be OK.
I know what it's
like to be alone.
Good night, son.
[sighs]
Where are they going?
DAVIS: I have no
idea, but I think
the Colonel's gonna be the first
one of us to see some action.
BEN-ALI: Ernest!
- Come on, Ernest.
Let's go.
BEN-ALI: Ernest!
Ernest!
Where are you going?
We've got to go to the
front to help the soldiers.
- I go too.
- Oh, no, Ben.
This is no place for a boy.
I am not a boy.
I'm a brave warrior like Ernest.
I'm sorry, Ben, but you're
gonna have to stay here.
What about sticking
by your buddy?
I'm sorry, Ben.
We've got to go.
We'll be back.
He'll never come back.
[laughing]
Excellency.
Yes, Kibee?
These are the
men you sent for.
I need to put a
face on this invasion.
A sympathetic face.
One that will ensure
media attention.
An American face.
[laughs]
[all laugh]
Out!
Out!
Out!
[laughing]
Colonel Gullet, where are we?
We're about three
steps from heaven.
Oh!
Colonel Gullet, please!
Let's just stick to
the problem at hand.
I'm trying to get
back to this base.
Look, I'm not used to
taking no for an answer.
When I see something
I want, I go--
[groans]
Thanks.
Say, you fellas look like
you're from around here.
Would you happen to
know where this place--
[screams]
[muffled screaming]
[news intro music playing]
NEWS ANNOUNCER:
With INNI, you are
there in Operation Sand Trap.
I'm Frank Williams, and
we're waiting for a briefing
from General Rodney Lincoln,
perhaps the most colorful
of all the allied commanders
of Operation Sand Trap.
And what a voice.
At approximately
1800 hours today
the Allied Forces will begin
carpet bombing Sectors 30, 31,
and 32, along with 200
sorties as preparatory
to ground assault.
BARNES: Slip the map.
Here.
Now the color.
GENERAL LINCOLN: And if Tutti
Frutti has the common sense
of a duck, he'll tuck that
keester of his up under that
beach blanket he wears
for a hat and hightail
it out of there like a jack
rabbit in a Louisiana oil
spill.
That a boy.
Any questions?
[clamoring]
CINDY: Gullet.
Gullet!
Wake up, you creep.
I can't believe you
got me into this.
Hey, look.
Look who's out there.
What is it?
It's President Tufuti.
Tufuti?
In the flesh.
He standing over by the
oasis with those goons
who captured us.
Oasis?
The only enemy base near
an oasis is in Sector 32.
Sector 32.
Great.
Now we know where we
are, no thanks to you.
Too bad nobody else does.
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't know we were
close to enemy lines.
Yeah, well, you're gonna
be real sorry in a minute
because they're headed this way.
Untie them.
Hi.
[speaking arabic]
I trust you are content
with your accommodations,
and that your journey
into our little country
has been a pleasant one?
Mr. President.
- For Life.
- Whatever.
You must forgive
these ruffians.
They're not very
polite sometimes.
Ah, a member of the press
and a lovely one, at that.
[chuckles]
DAVIS: OK.
OK.
I hear you.
Hold it up, Ernest.
It looks like headquarters
has changed their mind again.
I'll be in the
communications truck.
I can't believe
they're doing this to us.
We just got here.
That's Army
intelligence for you.
Hey, has anybody
seen Colonel Gullet?
He's been gone all day.
Maybe that reporterette's
got him tied up.
Maybe somebody should
go looking for him.
I'd volunteer.
What's the deal here, Chuck?
They're calling for a bug out.
The F-18s are bombing the
entire area at 1800 hours.
Wow.
This is neat.
Do you get wrestling here?
You know, the Undertaker's
gonna be on Monday Night Raw
this week.
- Really?
Bullwhips?
Barbed wire.
Mm, good match.
[static]
It is now--
Hey, don't touch this stuff.
--Arisian troops have
at least two hostages.
A British Colonel and
an American woman.
We go now to a satellite
feed of a videotape
we received moments ago from
somewhere in the Middle East.
I am Colonel Bradley Gullet.
Oh, look.
It's the Colonel and Cindy.
Well, at least they're safe.
--invasion of the sovereign
nation of Karifistan.
I'm Cindy Swanson, a news
reporter for Channel 3--
Channel 32.
Ain't she something?
She's the best reporter
Channel 3 ever had,
and she smells good too.
But she said Channel 32.
No, she's on Channel 3.
I watch her all the time.
No, she said Channel 32.
Wait a minute.
CINDY (ON TV): We denounce
the American allies--
Maybe she's trying
to tell us something.
Channel 32.
Again, this is Cindy
Swanson, for Channel 32.
Channel 32?
Channel 32?
Maybe she meant Sector 32.
No.
No, she said Channel 32.
Therefore, the code
word is "Channel."
[laughing]
Soon there will
be a liberator.
Yes.
[coughing]
I've got a full
canteen and a flashlight.
We can be back before
anybody knows we're gone.
No, Ernest, that's
Air Rescue's job.
But what about the
Colonel and Cindy?
Don't they count?
I'm sorry about the
girl, but she's the media
and not our responsibility.
As for the Colonel,
he's not the Sarge.
Can't we do something?
Get in, Ernest.
That's an order!
I'm sorry, sir.
I know it's high treason,
and probably very rude,
but a real soldier wouldn't
leave those people out there.
And Ironically, neither will I.
Ernest, get back here!
NARRATOR: And so, it
will come to pass,
that the great
American warrior will
plunge himself into the
vast wasteland of death.
He alone, a human
spear, thrusting
the heart of the beast.
Kibee, bring me
the UN Colonel.
As you desire, Mr. President--
For Life.
Colonel Gullet, it is time.
What?
What's going on?
Where are you taking him?
[sighs]
It looks like I'm first.
Sorry, Cindy.
We'll be back for
you, Miss Swanson.
No hurry.
[helicopter noise]
Well, Colonel, you look
very good on television.
I think you should
consider it as a career.
I held up my end
of the deal, Tufuti.
I delivered you your
news correspondent,
now pay me my money.
I don't think you're
in such a good position
to be demanding anything.
You'll die for this, Tufuti.
Strap him to the missile.
We'll send him back
to his friends.
You'll die for this!
Kibee, my club.
[wind howling]
[panting]
[grunting]
[spits]
[plop]
The desert sun certainly
has a diverse effect
on chocolate milk.
BEN-ALI: Ernest!
Where's Ernest?
Have you seen Ernest?
Ernest!
Where's Ernest?
Have you seen Ernest?
Where's Ernest?
Ernest?
Where's Ernest?
Have you seen Ernest?
No, Ben.
He went off into the desert.
He did?
He thinks he's gonna save
the Colonel and that reporter.
Which way did he go?
I can't talk.
I gotta go.
What did he say?
I gotta go.
SOLDIER: Let's go now.
Quit standing around.
Grab that box.
Let's go, gentlemen.
[panting]
[wind howling]
My lips are peeling.
[smacking lips]
DAVIS: He just headed
off toward Sector 32.
I tried to stop him,
but he just kept going.
BARNES: Sector 32?
We're just about to turn that
wasteland into more wasteland.
Who else have you
told about this?
DAVIS: No one.
BARNES: You keep it
to yourself, soldier.
I'll handle it from here.
DAVIS: Yes, sir.
Sector 32.
BARNES: Prepare
to launch assault.
OK, this shouldn't be hard.
Lift one foot.
Now, easy.
One step at a time.
Don't disturb the sand.
[groaning]
[spits]
Sand angels.
[chuckles]
[scoffs]
Poisoned barbed wire.
A feeble attempt to
frighten the lesser minds.
[zapping]
[groaning]
[mumbles]
[thud]
Well, at least I
didn't get poisoned.
[zap]
Oh.
[buzzing]
[laughs]
Oh, yeah.
[zapping]
[groaning]
[mumbles]
[thud]
Hmm.
If it hadn't been for my
stealth-like ninja moves,
I never would have
made it this far.
I am poultry in motion.
[clank]
[incoherent mumbling]
[grunts]
[thud]
My people, today we celebrate
tomorrow's certain sacred
victory over the Americans.
And tomorrow we will pierce
the heart of the eagle,
and all the land will
praise Almar Habib Tufuti,
President for Life of Arisia.
[cheering]
ALL: [chanting] Tufuti!
Tufuti!
Tufuti!
For Life!
For Life!
Hang on.
[ripping]
Ta-da!
The cavalry has arrived.
[sighs]
Private Worrell?
(IMITATING JOHN
WAYNE) Well, you can
call me Ernest, little lady.
[shushing]
Please.
Where are the other soldiers?
It's just me.
I'm on special assignment.
I can't get this rope untied.
I can't believe you crossed
the desert by yourself.
I thought you were the cook.
I am.
And a real good one too.
I tell you what.
I'm gonna have to
lift this pole up,
and you slide the
rope underneath.
OK.
OK?
[grunts]
Where's the Colonel.
Well, they probably put
him with the other prisoners.
How'd you get in here?
Ninja training.
I am poultry in motion.
OK, you ready?
I'm gonna lift.
Yeah, yeah.
OK.
Slide.
[grunting]
OK, slide it.
I'm out!
Oh!
[grunting]
Ow!
Come here, private.
Oh, private.
[whistles]
Come on, private.
Oh, private Worrell.
OK, let me help you.
We'll pull up.
Ready?
- OK.
OK.
One, two, three.
Pull me back.
Quiet!
Private Worrell, the pole!
Ah, the pole.
No, I think I got it.
No, I got it.
Let me get it.
[crash]
[screams]
Hurry!
Don't let them escape!
Get them!
Get them!
Move!
We've blown it now.
Find the way out.
Hurry.
ERNEST: Dang it.
I-- I think I broke a nail.
CINDY: Oh, please, Ernest.
[whacking]
You fools, move!
Ow.
Try that way.
ERNEST: Doesn't this
hurt your knees?
No!
Stop being such a sissy.
Let's go!
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Harder!
Harder!
Whah!
No.
Try over here.
[groaning]
Beat harder!
Harder!
[clank]
Ouch.
How about this way?
[groaning]
OK, look, we'll just
have to brave it.
Keep your head up real high.
OK.
Oh, Ernest, you
coward, get up!
[banging]
ERNEST: Ow!
[groaning]
I can't help it.
[soldiers yelling]
Move it!
ERNEST: Let's go.
Hit harder!
They're still moving!
Grab the handle, idiot!
Don't just stand there!
OK, let's go.
[whacking]
[yelling]
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Where
the hell are they?
Spread out!
Kibee, you're in the dungeon!
Do you understand?
Shh.
Oh, help us, please.
Please, help us.
OK.
No problem.
I'll have you out
of here in a jiffy.
CINDY: Ernest, shh.
[clunk]
[slam]
Oh, oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Allah be praised.
[shushing]
You have saved us.
You must be the great American
warrior of the prophecy.
Oh, shucks.
It was nothing.
You must have me confused
with some other great
American warrior of prophecy.
[yelling]
Here comes the guards.
[slam]
Come on, let's go!
[groans]
[screams]
[crash]
[rapid gunfire]
[laughing]
[clunk]
Come on, they're
shooting real bullets!
Real bullets?
I'll go first.
Cover me.
Worrell, come back here!
CINDY: Wait!
Wait, Ernest!
[rapid gunfire]
[grunting]
Ladies first.
OK, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, Ernest.
Let's go.
[zap]
Ow!
Ouch.
Come on, let's go.
[yelling]
Kill them.
Take no prisoners.
[groans]
- We made it, Ernest.
- Yes.
We made it.
Oh, we did it.
Oh, look, they've
got Colonel Gullet.
We've got to go back.
Are you crazy?
We can't go back in!
Look, you go on ahead.
I've gotta go back
in for the Colonel.
No, we can go get help.
We don't have to.
You don't understand.
Sarge said, in the Army you've
gotta watch out for your buddy.
And Colonel Gullet's my buddy,
even though he is a Colonel
Ernest.
What we need is a plan.
How about an escort?
No, too small.
We need at least a Humvee.
- Ernest.
Ernest.
Ernest!
Oh, that kind of escort?
Hi, fellas.
- OK.
Oh, no.
Ouch.
Ow!
Lips.
He peels easy.
This is General Lincoln.
Commence the bombing
on Operation Sand Trap.
The first bird's
up at 1800 hours.
Whiskey, Alpha, Bravo.
My indecision is final.
Cut.
You were terrific, General.
Terrific.
All right.
Now let's take some
black and white stills.
I think that would
look more authentic.
Oh, Barnes, I don't look
so good in black and white.
We can airbrush them.
Mm.
You know, they
say every man has
a bullet with his name on it.
Yeah.
Here's mine, see?
Ernest.
I figure, as long as
this is in my pocket,
nobody can shoot me with it.
Oh, great, Ernest.
[scoffs]
Don't tell them
I've got it, OK?
CINDY: Done.
Tufuti, you're gonna get
in big trouble for this.
I'm a noncombatant.
I'm a member of the press.
Yeah, I'm a noncombatant too.
I'm in the Reserves.
The barbarians think they can
send an infidel into my camp
to destroy my plans.
Who do they think you are?
Rambo?
Well, close.
Ready!
Aim!
Hold it!
Don't we get a last meal?
I could sure go for a pizza.
Pepperoni, sausage,
extra cheese--
COLONEL GULLET: Up here, boy.
- --black olives.
No anchovies.
Maybe some chocolate chips.
Ready!
Aim!
Hey, hey.
I could use my last phone
call to call for a pizza.
They could be here
in 30 minutes.
Look, we could all pitch in.
I've got tip money.
No pizza!
Ready!
Well, what about a blindfold?
No blindfold.
What kind of a jake
leg outfit is this?
No last meal, no phone
call, no blindfold.
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: No budget.
[grunts]
ERNEST: Oh.
Well, I bet none of you
have ever even shot anybody.
Kibee shot a man in
the foot last year.
It was an accident,
Mr. President for Life.
I have such feelings of guilt.
Act like a man!
Any other requests?
- Yeah.
(SHOUTING) Let me go!
[engine starts]
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Ready!
Aim!
COLONEL GULLET:
Where are you going?
BEN-ALI: Here we come, Ernest.
KIBEE: Your Excellency!
[yells]
Ernest.
Ernest!
Let's go!
[rapid gunfire]
[tires squeal]
BEN-ALI: Get in, Ernest!
Go, Ernest!
Go!
BEN-ALI: Get in!
Go!
CINDY: Come on, Ernest.
- Scoot over.
CINDY: Hit the gas!
This is a job for Army people.
CINDY: Oh, come on.
Let's just go.
Go!
[yelling]
[crash]
Kibee, where is my missile?
Where is my pluton missile?
I-- I think it has
been removed, Excellency.
(SHOUTING) Bring
me my desert demons!
[bang]
In 30 minutes, the
bombs will begin to drop,
and this will be
your finest hour.
Barnes, do you think
those Brit generals
look so sophisticated because
they have those little pencil
thin mustaches?
Excuse me, sir.
The satellite just picked up a
truck carrying a large missile.
Barnes, there's no greater
feeling than breaking
the enemy's spirit.
That's how I met my wife.
Sir, the missile's
headed towards us.
What?
Barnes, pull out the
big guns, scramble
the fighters, get me the Navy.
We gotta nuke that missile now
before they get any closer.
Yes, sir.
[snip]
Oh, boy.
Barnes?
Barnes?
Worrell, stop the truck
and get me down off of here!
Which way do we go?
- Head for the dunes!
- Which one?
The white one!
The white one!
Eenie, meanie, miney--
One potato, two potato--
Eenie one potato!
Are you sure it's
not meanie two potato?
No, no!
Eenie one potato!
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Don't let
them get away, you fools!
Kibee, faster!
Ernest, we're gonna
get stuck in this stuff.
Nah, I used to be a
mailman in Michigan.
[gunfire]
Oh, no!
Ernest!
Worrell, where are you going?
What are you doing?
You're the press.
You're supposed to
be non-combative.
Tufuti, President for
Life, broke the rules first.
Now, is this semi-automatic
or full rock and roll?
[gunfire]
COLONEL GULLET: Shoot!
[rapid gunfire]
[screams]
COLONEL GULLET: Worrell!
CINDY: One down.
BEN-ALI: More bananas?
[rapid gunfire]
I'm out of shells.
Give me another clip.
COLONEL GULLET: Worrell!
Get us out of here!
Ow!
Hang on, Colonel Gullet!
CINDY: Look out.
OK, watch the dip, Ernest!
[groans]
[screams]
Base Camp, here we come.
Happy to report,
the pluton missile
moves to Karifistan border.
It seems Interceptor is
delivering as promised.
Soon, world powers will
be emptying their bank
accounts into our coffers.
[gunfire]
COLONEL GULLET: No, Ernest!
Ernest!
Turn around and go back!
You can't go through there.
This is no time to
stop and admire the view.
Rock mines.
Oh, we're trapped.
Not yet, we're not.
What are you doing?
What I do best.
Are you crazy?
Get me down from here!
[gunfire]
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Oh, no!
They're getting closer!
Put that foot into
the corner, Kibee!
We're going to get them!
KIBEE: They won't get away.
He said he's been a
prisoner of Tufuti's,
and that the pluton
bomb is now in the hands
of the great American warrior.
I thought I was the
great American warrior?
Well, you are, sir.
This is just someone
claiming to be.
Oh, an imposter?
I'm sure there's
nothing to it.
Well, let's check it out.
There's not room in
this desert for two
great American warriors.
[sighs]
Is this the man?
Yes, sir.
Oh, Your Excellency.
I-- I am so happy and honored
that you would see me.
I bring great news.
You said an American
has the pluton missile?
Oh, yes, and he's
bringing it to you.
Oh, he's such a great warrior!
Is anyone with him?
A UN Colonel and a woman.
Oh, Pierre!
[groans]
- Come on.
Come outside.
We need to talk.
Just listen.
Listen.
We'd better call off that
carpet bombing before they
take out that pluton missile.
Well, what's wrong with that?
Because we want to
capture it and take
all the credit for ourselves.
Oh.
You'd think this was
his first conflict.
COLONEL GULLET: Ernest.
Ernest!
What do you think you're doing?
Come on, Ernest.
[smack]
Are you crazy?
Get me down from here!
You fool, Ernest!
Put that thing down!
You'll have us all killed!
OK.
Just keep the gas steady.
OK, here we go.
Easy.
COLONEL GULLET: Stop this thing!
PRESIDENT TUFUTI:
Move it, Kibee!
Move it!
They're getting away!
Look out, Ernest!
Here they come!
BEN-ALI: Hurry!
Hurry!
ERNEST: Gotcha!
CINDY: Nice one!
[boom]
This is a whole lot easier
without clubbers trying
to bop you with a six iron.
Here's one!
BEN-ALI: Yeah!
[boom]
Ernest!
CINDY: He's unbelievable.
I believed it all along.
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Faster, Kibee.
Faster!
How about a double dip?
Assorted flavors.
There you go.
[boom]
[boom]
CINDY: Nice one, Ernest.
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: You fool!
Ernest, faster!
Faster!
Come on.
KIBEE: Look out, sir.
Be careful!
[yells]
[cindy laughs]
You got the poop,
I got the scoop.
[screeching]
[boom]
[boom]
Man, this guy
can't take a hint.
Come on, Kibee.
Move it!
They're getting away!
FLIGHT LEADER: Delta,
Bravo, one-niner.
Abort sortie.
Abort sortie.
JET PILOT: Roger, HQ.
We're heading home.
This way.
This way.
COLONEL GULLET: Worrell,
where are you going?
That's it.
Stop that!
Worrell!
[grumbles]
Get me down!
ERNEST: Oh.
We're stuck.
There he is!
Excellency?
He's ours now!
[laughing]
CINDY: Ernest, don't.
Get out of there!
[screeches]
Come on Tufrutti.
Give us your best shot.
You have been very
troublesome for me,
but now I am rid of you!
[gun cocks]
CINDY: Duck!
Duck, Ernest!
[chuckles]
KIBEE: Oh, no!
No.
No, no, no!
[yells]
[clank]
SOLDIER: Help!
Help!
It's only a rock, Excellency.
[laughing]
[chuckles]
Ready to die, great
American warrior?
[laughs]
[whooshing]
[clunk]
[thud]
[chuckles]
Excellency, you are
damaged, for life.
[kibee laughs]
Yeah.
[cindy screams]
Yeah, Earnest.
What a shot!
You have defeated the beast.
What was that you threw?
All in a day's cooking.
know what I mean?
COLONEL GULLET: Would
somebody untie me?
Oh, sorry Colonel.
I'll just lower this hydraulic.
[whirring]
COLONEL GULLET: Get me off here!
ERNEST: Loosen those
on the bottom, Ben.
Good.
Don't worry, Colonel.
I'll have you loose in a minute.
COLONEL GULLET: Yeah,
about time, too.
ERNEST: There you go.
[thwack]
[thud]
Now, move away from
this missile or the boy
meets Allah prematurely.
[beep]
Interceptor confirms capture.
Rendezvous at Sector C-12.
Interceptor
seeks confirmation.
Confirm his deposit of one
hundred million US dollars
into his Swiss bank account.
Dispatch a unit to pick up
the pluton missile when he
crosses the Karifistan border.
As Boyard commands.
COLONEL GULLET: Bank
account number 639736412-12.
Code name, Interceptor.
Confirm bank deposits.
Got it.
I can't believe you can
be such a traitor, Gullet.
It's just business.
Now, move away
from this missile!
Look, you can keep the
missile, just let the boy go.
The boy goes with me.
CINDY: Let the boy go, Gullet.
What do you want
with a pluton missile?
Soon I'll be in a world
where idiots like you are
outlawed, living the good life.
Goodbye, Ernest.
Thanks for the ride.
[groans]
You!
ERNEST: Duck men!
[whack]
Oh, Ernest!
Oh.
[rumbling]
BEN-ALI: The ropes, Ernest!
The ropes!
[yelling]
If it's gonna hurt, I'm
sure glad that isn't me.
[kaboom]
[groaning]
Eww.
Oh.
Eww.
[muffled speech]
GENERAL LINCOLN: There they are.
BARNES: Keep it rolling, Lloyd.
Stop here.
The light's good.
Get me a closeup of the girl.
What have you done
with my missile, private?
General, it's
been neutralized.
You should be pinning
a medal on Ernest.
Oh.
Yeah, well, I--
I will.
I'm gonna put a whole chest
full of medals on him.
Good work, soldier.
General, be careful
what you promise, sir.
Shut up, Barnes.
You're fired.
How am I doing, Lloyd?
Ernest!
Hey, Ernest!
Way to go, buddy.
- Ben, you're-- you're not--
- I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I just gotta lay
off the pork rinds.
Ernest, in my book,
you're Army people.
Army people.
I'm Frank Williams,
INNI European division.
Oh.
I believe that you have
all the inside details.
Tell me, what would it take
for INNI to get an exclusive?
Oh, well, uh--
How long did you say
you've been in your job?
Ben-Ali?
Ben-Ali!
Ben-Ali!
Abi.
Abi!
Allah be praised,
it is my son.
My son!
My son!
Abi!
My son!
Abi!
I thought I had
lost you forever.
Well, I guess the Geshua charm
really does bring good luck.
The good luck is that you
are the great American warrior.
Wait a minute, Ben.
You can't keep the great
American warrior to yourself.
I have some unfinished
business with him.
[moans]
Eww.
What is this?
Oh, sorry.
My lips peel easily.
Oh.
ERNEST: Cindy.
Cindy.
CINDY: Go away, Ernest!
ERNEST: How about coming over?
I'll make you some pancakes.
CINDY: Now, I'm grossed out.
ERNEST: No, really.
I make the best pancakes
in the whole world.
CINDY: Ernest, I have one
word for you-- lip balm.
NARRATOR: And so it came,
as the years passed,
that Ben Ali became a great
leader of the Arab world
and brought peace to
the war-torn land.
And on every public
building and street sign,
a small, barely-visible
inscription
read "Stick by your buddy."
Know what I mean?
[music playing]
[music playing]
[fire crackling]
[coughing]
[groaning]
MAN: Get up!
Get up.
[groaning]
Come on.
Get in there.
Move!
Get up.
[groaning]
PRISONER: Don't!
[groans]
NARRATOR: It has been
the burden of my people
to struggle under the iron
fist of the ruthless leaders
since Nebuchadnezzar created
the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
There all those of us
who, though our efforts
may be futile,
have tried to bring
peace to our war-torn land.
But we tremble.
For it is written that this evil
wind will lure the great eagle
into the clutches
of its ambition,
and the whole world
will come to the edge
of being nothing but a
whisper's vapor in the universe.
The secret, gentlemen, is
in your reach and accuracy.
[clank]
You must have the right
balance and the right power.
Soon, we will invade Karifistan.
[clank]
And the American infidels will
foolishly rush to their aid.
That's right, Kibee.
And then I, Almar Habib
Tufuti, President for Life,
will be the leader
of all true believers
when the American eagle
falls from its perch.
NARRATOR: There
will be one man who
will ride the storm
from the West to humble
the tyrants of the Earth.
I tell you now the prophecy
of a great American warrior.
Good morning, Mr. Worrell.
You're looking at a
trap cleverly devised
by the evil genius
Baron von Titleist.
A mine field.
Mines diabolically disguised
as your average garden
variety golf ball, or
golf astemplis spheracoli.
Your mission, should
you choose to accept it,
will be to rid the
world of this menace
and make this geriatric pastime
safe again for all of humanity.
My voice will self-destruct
in five seconds.
Four, three, two, one.
[IMITATING SELF DESTRUCTION
NOISES]
Let the games begin.
Yeah, another day
on this course.
There's one.
Oh-oh.
Got another one.
Uh-oh.
Steer right.
There's one.
OK, got another one.
[laughs]
Yeah, can't hit me.
You couldn't hit a bull in
the butt with a bass fiddle.
Nice try, lady.
[laughs]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you knock
them, I rock them.
Uh-oh.
Do your worst, Baron Titleist.
Your pock-marked angels
of death frighten me not.
Uh-oh, reinforcements.
We're dumb.
When you're dumb, you're dumb.
GOLFER: Get him, Bill.
[golfers groan]
[laughs]
Don't tempt
these guys, Ernest.
You know what happens.
Special Forces Commander
Ernest P. Worrell
receives his much
deserved hero's welcome.
[grunts]
[clatter]
[laughs]
[yells]
[thud]
GOLFER 1: I think I got him
in the pancreas with that one.
GOLFER 2: Yeah, good shot.
Good shot.
All right.
Whoo, boy.
Hey, great American hero.
Are you gonna make it?
[grunts]
Merely a flesh wound, Ben.
Merely a wound upon my flesh.
Yeah.
[gibberish]
[thud]
[chuckles]
Gosh Ben, thanks for
saving me under-fire today.
Baron Titleist nearly
got the best of me.
A soldier never leaves his
buddy in the heat of battle.
How's that bean head of yours?
It'd be a whole lot better
if you'd let me drive.
Now, we've been
through that before.
Oh, please, Ben,
with sugar on top?
No, no, no!
Gosh!
You never let me do anything,
ever since we were kids.
I let you do stuff.
- What stuff?
- Stuff.
Well, OK, stuff, but
you never left me drive.
Ernest, I can't let you drive.
This is an Army
vehicle, and it is to be
only driven by Army people.
I am an Army people, whilst
you are not Army people.
Gosh, I'll never get to
drive those big camo mammoths
and jeeps and
[inaudible] and tanks
and armored personnel carriers.
Never, ever, ever in the
whole history of the universe
will I ever get to drive.
[slurping]
You could enlist.
Enlist?
Join the army?
Army people drive.
Army people.
Army people.
Army, Army, Army people.
Huh.
I'm telling you, Ernest.
There's nothing like life in
the defense of your country.
Know what I mean?
[chuckles]
ERNEST: Ben, do they let
keep my old underwear...
'cause I hate to break
in new underwear?
BEN: I think something
can be arranged.
I don't know.
I'm too old to enlist.
Not for the
Reserves, your not.
Why, we got guys your age
signing up all the time.
The Reserves?
Yeah, boy.
You'd love it, Earnest, driving
them big rigs on the weekend.
It's like summer
camp for real men.
Well, I was a summer
camp counselor once.
The way you drive that golf
cart, why you'd be a natural
in Mechanized Infantry.
I don't know.
Look, it's not like you'd
ever be in combat or anything.
I mean, you'd be stationed
right here at the base.
I'm not gonna let
anything happen you.
Never have, now have I?
No.
Are you gonna eat
those pork rinds?
No, no.
You take them.
Sarge, are you ready to go?
I was born ready, Bambi.
Bambi, Ernest.
Ernest, Bambi.
Hi.
It's nice to very meet you.
Hi.
ERNEST: Hi.
Let's go, Ben.
Women love Army people.
Know what I mean?
[news intro music playing]
NEWS ANNOUNCER: Our town.
Let's see--
Gosh, I wish I
had a girlfriend.
CINDY SWANSON (ON TV):
Hi, this is Cindy Swanson
reporting for Channel 3--
Cindy Swanson?
[groans]
CINDY SWANSON (ON
TV): --who's just
won the Hoffer Award for the
most unusual locust collection.
You must be very excited.
- Oh, yes.
This means I get to speak--
[kissing noises]
--convention in Michigan.
What an awesome
responsibility.
Oh, yeah, it is.
All the elite--
Oh, excuse me, Mr. Beetleman.
We're cutting away to
INNI for a special report.
This is Cindy Swanson report--
It was mummified by a pharaoh.
NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now,
for a special report
from Frank Williams at the
INNI foreign desk in London.
It seems that Almar Habib
Tufuti, President for Life
of Arisia, is saber rattling
again as these satellite photos
reveal a large
intercontinental missile
being moved across a
southern province of Arisia
toward Karifistan.
You see how far
you can reach when
you use the right club, Kibee?
Yes, I see, Excellency.
The eagle will shudder when
it sees how far you can reach.
You know, I've
never shot an eagle.
A few birdies, many
pars, but never an eagle.
Perhaps, if you
were to keep you
head more still, Excellency?
But who am I to say?
This little beauty
is from Pakistan.
It spits when it's in flight.
Oh, that's very interesting,
Mr. Beetleman, but I'm
afraid we're gonna have to cover
this story at another time.
I'm sorry.
[laughing]
I'm sorry you didn't
get to finish, Cin.
Oh, that's OK.
That story was finished
before it got started.
Thanks.
You know, I have worked
like a dog for this station
for over a year.
I've done everything
they've asked me to do,
but I'm never gonna
get to INNI reporting
dorky stories like this one.
I need a really big story
to put me over the top.
Well, you hang in there, Cin.
You'll get your chance.
Maybe.
[laughs]
Yeah, right.
[sighs]
The Army.
Yeah, maybe that's it.
I'd be an expert on
driving those big rigs.
Gentlemen, this is your GNC
Napa Sonoma Mendocino 3000.
It is the ultimate
urban assault vehicle.
It has 67 cylinders,
3000 horsepower,
seating capacity-- one.
[clank]
[crash]
It has endoroflex suspension,
monoflatulating corroboration,
and all models made after 1997
has the extra large cup holder.
The body is solid unibody
and is made by the US
Army Corps of Engineers.
[clatter]
Doors are optional.
This vehicle is your friend,
it is your companion,
it is your long lost love.
You will treat this
vehicle with respect,
or I will cut your
guts out with a rock.
Do you understand?
Now, gentlemen, are
there any questions?
[crackling]
I didn't think so.
[crash]
[grunts]
Joining the Army is
the best decision you'll
ever make in your entire life.
Just change this
cap for a GI cap.
Get rid of these
blues and greys--
For browns and greens.
And as they say--
You're in the Army now.
But what about boot camp?
What about tough GIs, grueling
work, the breaking down
of one's self-esteem with
strong language, insults,
and the clever use of profanity?
What about that?
You're not in the real Army.
You're in the Reserves.
We drive trucks
on the weekend.
And talk on the radio.
And party all the time.
So it's time to rock and roll.
ALL: (SINGING) A-R-M--
Why?
Why?
Because we're Army people.
ALL: (SINGING) P-O-P-L-E.
BEN AND ERNEST: Poople?
- What's wrong with poople?
[thunderclap]
Comrade Blatz report
for midi-sector.
I want to know how a
pipsqueak despot like Tufuti
get a pluton missile.
No excuse, Boyard, but
we have no information
of missile origins.
For that missile,
Comrade Blatz,
we could blackmail entire world.
Every nation on Earth would
have no choice but to bend
to my personal demands.
I must have that missile!
NARRATOR: So the wondrous hands
that mold the events of men
will set the great
American warrior on course
to his destiny.
While in other parts of the
world, the weak and oppressed
struggle to survive.
Knowing when to
buy and when to sell.
It's perfect.
I am Ben-Ali and I know
of strange and dangerous
cults that own this city.
You can charm them off with
the charm of the Geshua.
Get away from me, parasite.
[grunts]
Get away, and don't come back!
The charm of the Geshua
is only one dollar.
I need to feed my sister.
We sick.
Feed at the baker's kitchen.
Now, leave us alone
before I have you jailed!
No!
What I was saying is that--
[indistinct speech]
Hey!
Hey, come back here!
Come back you thief!
[grunts]
[tires squeal]
[laughs]
Take it easy, man.
ERNEST: Sorry.
Wow!
This is great.
Jock them, chock them,
lock them, and cruise
them on down the highway.
BEN: What did I tell you?
There ain't nothing
like being Army people.
Gosh, Ben, you
really mean it when
you were talking about
taking care of your buddies.
You're about the best
friend I've ever had.
Every time, bud.
Every time.
[tires screech]
Hey!
Hey, watch it.
Watch it.
Watch what?
What kind of idiot
was driving that truck?
Want me to drive?
No, no, I'm fine.
I'm OK.
MAN: Look out.
Hey, watch that car.
Watch out.
MAN 2: Ooh, wow.
Ambassador, this mission
is not going to be easy.
Not only that, Colonel
Gullet, the Americans
aren't overjoyed at
being under UN command.
You will have to win this
American general over, maybe
find out what motivates him.
What motivates him
is what motivates
every American general.
Publicity.
[camera bulb flashes]
Barnes!
Sir?
Shouldn't we be doing this
out in the field someplace?
What's with all this
stupid blue paper?
We use it to strip in
backgrounds like Omaha
Beach, Saigon, Baghdad.
Through the magic of
computer composing,
we can put you
right in the action.
The devil, you say.
Mm-hm.
That's enough for now.
Get me the proofs tomorrow.
- Yes, sir.
We have a deadline
on the press kits.
Right away, sir.
General, Ambassador
Kitchen and a Colonel Gullet
from the UN Peacekeeping Forces
will be here any minute now
for a 10 o'clock appointment.
Barnes, I don't want
to talk to some pompous,
stuffy, egomaniacal ambassador.
- The press loves him, sir.
- They do?
Well, show him in!
Yes, sir.
Howdy, Ambassador.
Your Excellency.
BARNES: They're here, sir.
Act noncommittal.
Good.
I don't know, old bean.
Excellent.
Very good.
[sighs]
Good afternoon, General
I am Ambassador Kitchen
and this is Colonel Gullet.
Welcome, gentlemen.
Please, have a seat.
Now, what can I do for you?
As you know, Tufuti has been
kicking up his heels again.
And this time, he plans to
invade the sovereign state
of Karifistan.
And on top of that,
there is evidence
that he has a pluton missile.
Ah, Washington doesn't want
him messing up the oil prices,
huh?
[laughs]
[sighs]
Rough room.
The UN Security Council
has chosen your Reserve Unit
as a support team for the
UN Peacekeeping Forces
under the command of
Colonel Gullet, here.
What?
Support team?
You wait a John
Wayne minute, mister!
My men are a fighting,
killing machine!
We don't take
orders from anyone.
Especially some guy
wearing a beret.
You're not French, are you?
Barnes, is this man French?
You know I hate the French!
Sir--
AMBASSADOR: Please
let me explain.
Colonel Gullet will be
handling the day-to-day duties,
but in matters of importance,
you will be consulted.
Who will be making
the press briefings?
Why, the General, of course.
Well, then, you can
consider the 97th Reserve Unit
at your disposal,
Colonel Gullet.
Go on.
Go on.
[sighs]
All right, Pierre, our
troops are your troops.
I'll brief your
men at 1600 hours.
Yeah, it's a good thing.
The killing machine's
only here on the weekend.
[sighs]
What?
Did I say something wrong?
No.
No.
Have a nice day.
[phone rings]
Cindy Swanson, WZEB.
BARNES: Remember me, Cindy?
Unfortunately.
I've got something you want.
Barnes, this is an actual news
phone line, not a 900 number.
The 97th is being
sent in to support
UN troops in Karifistan.
No way.
The 97th Unit is a Reserve Unit.
They're outta here
in a week, and General
Lincoln's leading the charge.
[laughs]
Wait a minute, has
Washington lost its mind?
Don't answer that.
Who else knows
about this, Barnes?
Only you, for now, baby.
Now, when can you and I, uh--
Thanks for the tip.
You're not gonna believe this.
I gotta call the boss.
[dialing]
Ow!
God!
[tires squeal]
[crash]
[laughs]
Some drive, huh, Ernest?
Yeah.
Army life is great.
Hey, you want an Ooey
Gooey Toad Gummy?
Oh, no.
They're too sticky for me.
It takes me a week to
get them out of my teeth.
You just gotta
know how to eat them.
It's an art form few
real men possess.
We've gotta get to the
parade ground like now.
Some big muckety-muck
from the UN is here.
We're on our way.
[chewing loudly]
MAN 1: Move it.
Move it.
MAN 2: Slow down.
[sucking]
MAN 1: Come on, you guys.
Step it up.
Step it up.
[grunting]
ERNEST: Oh.
Ooh.
Thanks, Ben.
- Come on.
Let's go, Ernest.
[murmuring]
Do it as rehearsed.
ERNEST: Are you
sure you don't want
an Ooey Gooey Toad Gummy, Ben?
[murmuring]
At ease.
[murmuring]
Get me a close-up.
Men, God has truly smiled
down upon you this day.
Out of the entire United
States Armed Forces,
you and you alone
have been chosen
as an elite fighting unit.
Never in the history
of warfare has
such an awesome
responsibility been
placed on the shoulders of
such brave and noble souls
as yourselves.
Colonel Gullet.
Make it snappy, Pierre.
These guys go home at 5 o'clock.
I am Colonel Gullet,
UN Special Forces.
You will be under
my direct command.
This unit will be
my support unit.
You'll cook all the
meals, clean the toilets,
police the grounds, wash the
equipment, unload the trucks.
You'll perform
each and every task
you are told, when you are
told, while on this peacekeeping
mission to Karifistan.
Karifistan?
I can't go to Karifistan.
I don't know anybody
in Karifistan.
I don't speak Karifistanese.
And besides, my lips will peel.
Soldier, do you
have a problem here?
Yeah, I've gotta pickup
golf ball next week.
What's that in
your hand, private?
Ooey Gooey Gummy Toads.
You want one?
Get rid of them!
[guzzling]
[chewing loudly]
- Barnes.
- Sir.
Who is this man?
He's a new recruit, sir.
Have him flogged.
We can only do that
in Singapore, sir.
[chewing loudly]
And the box!
[grunting]
Ohh.
COLONEL GULLET: General,
what kind of Army
are you running here?
You wouldn't find this
bean head under my command!
Who does he think he is?
Easy, sir.
Easy.
When they get back
from Karifistan,
you won't recognize this
bunch of blockheads!
Look at you!
Shoulders back!
Stomach in!
[spits]
[mumbling]
Ew, ew, ew, ew.
[laughing]
Sir.
Hang on, Colonel.
I'll get it off.
Stay calm, sir.
I'll have you out
in nothing flat.
Here, I'll need
this for leverage.
[squishing]
Here it goes.
[grunting]
Sarge!
Corporal Davis!
Hey, guys, hold him down.
[murmuring]
Don't worry, Colonel.
You'll be able to
breathe in just a minute.
[groaning]
Barnes, shouldn't
we do something?
I think we'd better
stay out of this one, sir.
[grunting]
- That's it.
Pull it.
Come on!
One, two.
Gosh.
[clamoring]
Pull!
[grunting]
BEN: What are you doing?
[chuckles]
ALL: Whoa!
[clatter]
[crash]
[hissing]
Ooh.
[laughing]
[clears throat]
How do you like that, Pierre?
[groaning]
Eww.
[thud]
I told you I'd get it off.
[laughs]
Know what I mean?
- Oh, Ernest.
Don't worry, Ben,
I'll explain everything.
The General seems
like a swell guy.
I'm sure he'll understand.
And, besides, no one is
impervious to the Worrell
charm.
- Please, Ernest.
When we go in
there, just shut up
and let me do the talking, OK?
But, Ben.
Ben, nothing.
I can handle the General.
Just remember what I said.
In the Army, you always
look out after your buddy.
I'm gonna get you, Worrell.
If it's the last thing
I'd do, I'm gonna get you.
You know, Ben, I don't
think the Colonel is
as familiar as we are with that
"taking care of your buddy"
stuff.
GENERAL LINCOLN:
Sergeant Ben Kovsky!
[gulps]
How tough should I be?
Like an iron fist,
in a soft glove.
Ah.
Remember what
happened to Patten.
Oh, yeah.
OK, let's go.
[clears throat]
Private Ernest P. Worrell
and Sergeant Ben Kovsky
reporting as ordered, sir.
Well, Private Worrell, what
do you have to say for yourself?
Well, sir.
Worrell, you have one
weekend of military service
and you have nearly
jeopardized the entire UN
Security Council mission!
BEN: If I could explain, sir.
And you, Sergeant Ben
Kovsky, you should know better.
[heart beating]
The image of the 97th
is at stake here,
and now the whole world
will be focused on me-- us!
I have no choice but to
relieve you of your duties!
[groans]
[thud]
Ben?
What's wrong?
I knew it.
Too tough!
Barnes, I was never here.
It never happened.
I was at the Officer's
Club the whole time!
But General, sir.
Call the medic!
Call an ambulance!
I learned CPR on Oprah.
[inhales loudly]
[screams]
[machine beeping]
Hey, Ben.
How's my favorite Army people?
I brought you some
stuff from the PX,
but they're a little funny
about what you could eat,
so I brought you the pork rinds
but without the hot sauce.
This is all my fault.
What was I thinking?
All I wanted to do was
drive the Army big rigs.
Ben, you're the best fiend
I've got in the whole world.
Without you, I
wouldn't have anybody.
And if I ever lost you, I'd--
[sobs]
WOMAN (ON PA): Visiting
hours are over.
All visitors, please
leave the hospital.
Well, I gotta go
now, Ben, but I'll say
a little prayer for you, OK?
You-- you hang in there, buddy.
[clatter]
No.
[fast beeping]
[gasping for air]
This thing came out.
I'll put it back in for you.
[slurps]
[jabs]
[labored breathing]
It won't stay.
OK.
[screams]
It's staying there now.
I gotta get it going.
[grunting]
[erratic beeping]
OK, you get some rest.
[shuddering]
Allah, be praised.
Gentlemen, behold my special
club, the pluton missile.
With it, I will bring the
infidels to their knees
and be leader in the Arab world.
Kibee.
Commander, I want you to
personally have our tanks
delivered this to King Chirac.
[cheering]
[gunfire]
NARRATOR: Once again,
history spewed forth
a wave of aggression
that swept the land,
and everything in its path
was crushed beneath the treads
of its ambition.
There was little to stop
evil's triumphant march.
Ben-Ali, you must come!
The tanks are coming.
Everyone in the
village is leaving.
Come.
Come.
Yes, I come.
NARRATOR: So the
beast lured the eagle
by devouring the defenseless,
and an orphan child
wept, praying, hoping,
looking for the liberator
of his land and his future.
Even I could have told you
he wouldn't go for that one.
It's the biggest
story in the world.
The Americans sent to
Karifistan and our own 97th
Reserve Unit leading the way.
This story could break me out
of this dinky little station.
Now, come on, Cindy.
You knew the boss
wouldn't spring
for a ticket to the Middle
East when the 97th ships out.
Ships out.
That's it.
Don't.
CINDY: Thanks, Danny
[news intro music playing]
NEWS ANNOUNCER:
With INNI, you are
there in Operation Sand Trap.
President Tufuti of Arisia has
invaded the neighboring country
of Karifistan today.
Our staunchest ally in the
Middle East, King Chirac,
has asked for
intervention by UN Forces.
President Powell has ordered
immediate deployment of troops.
Soldier, do up that lace.
Try to look sharp.
Yes, sir.
ERNEST: You know, Corporal,
for your own safety,
you should never let anyone
else pack your chute.
Welcome aboard, Worrell.
Oh, thanks.
What's the movie on this flight?
I hope it's not another
chick flick art film.
They always look so brown to me.
I've got two words
for you, Worrell--
friendly fire.
You know, I think
he's warming up to me.
He actually used
the word "friendly."
Look at it this way, Ernest.
After Operation Sand
Trap, me and you,
we'll be desert heroes.
Desert heroes.
(DEEP VOICE) Legends
of the Sudan.
What is the measure of a man?
A yardstick?
Nay.
His heart.
His dedication to
God and country.
The sort of car he drives.
Give me a man who will
work through lunch battling
insurmountable odds to
spit his last bloody breath
into the face of the enemy.
A man who will never once
complain about sunburn
or painful underwear itch.
Live each day as if it were
your last because someday,
he will be right.
No prisoners.
No prisoners.
No prisoners.
[muffled speech]
Communique from Interceptor.
It's About time there
was some progress.
Yes, sir.
He is airborne.
Good.
Good.
Soon FIT will have
pluton missile
and Operation Payback can begin.
SOLDIER: Left.
Left.
Left, right, left.
Left.
Left.
Left, right, left.
Left.
Left.
Left, right, left.
You know, I think I
brought too much carry on.
I should have checked
a lot of this--
If they're going
down the hole, follow.
I shoulda checked a lot of
this stuff at the baggage.
Hey, does anybody want a juice?
I think I've got
some olive loaf.
Beautiful, General.
Beautiful.
Now, if you could just turn
your body toward me, sir.
I want to try and catch
that flight of F-18s
in the background.
N-- no, they're ours.
Their ours, sir.
- God bless them.
Now, sir, if you could just
turn your head a little bit
to the right.
I'm trying to lose that
cold sore on your lip.
Shaving cut.
BARNES: I'm sure, sir.
I'm sure.
Good.
Good.
Stand by.
Action!
(SHOUTS) Charge!
And cut.
All right.
OK, Lloyd, let's do lunch.
Come on.
I know this nice, new place.
Do you like fish?
This place called
the Hairy Prawn.
You'll love it.
SOLDIER: Left, right, left.
Hold it!
Hold it.
SOLDIER: What's
going on up there?
[inaudible]
further up the beach.
It's a baby blue jellyfish,
or gelacticus swim fasticus.
It is native to the
warm waters of Zanzibar
and feeds primarily upon
plankton and other forms of--
What are you doing?
Oh, hi, Colonel.
This is a gelacticus
swim fasticus,
or baby blue jellyfish.
It is common to--
Shut up!
But it's still alive.
You're stopping the
entire combined force
of the world for a jellyfish?
A baby blue jellyfish,
or gelacticus swim fast--
Give me 20, soldier.
Gosh, 20.
That means I can't go--
On the ground, idiot!
[grunts]
One, two, three--
All right, enough
wild life education.
Let's move it out!
SOLDIER: Left.
Left.
Left, right, left.
14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19--
1,221, 1,222, 1,223,
1,224, 1,225, 1,226.
One-- one thou-- That
out to be enough.
I hope I can catch
up to these guys.
[panting]
You are American?
Yep, born and bred in
the land of the free.
You ever been to
Karifistan before?
No, never been further
east than Savannah.
Well, there are some
strange and dangerous cults
and curses in the Middle East.
Yeah, I know.
I saw them on cable.
So you know you need one of
these or all manner of trouble
will befall you.
The charm of Geshua.
Let me see that.
50 bucks, US.
50 bucks?
Do I look like I have stupid
written all over my face?
60 bucks.
60 bucks?
That's outrageous.
It has good luck
too, at no extra costs.
You mean, it comes with
all the bells and whistles
and everything?
All of them.
OK, $65 and that's
my last offer.
OK, but you robbing me.
OK.
All I got's a
hundred dollar bill.
Wait here.
I'll bring you change.
Gosh, I hate taking advantage
of a little kid like that.
I sure hope he makes it
back soon with my change.
This is the Arabian
Desert, gentleman.
It is hot, cruel,
and unforgiving.
This is the chemical
weapon the enemy uses.
It is highly toxic and can melt
the skin off a tyrannosaurus.
In the event of
such a gas attack,
you'll need a working
knowledge of your gas mask.
Place the mask
fully over your face
and adjust the straps to
ensure there are no gaps.
Continue to breathe normally.
[exaggerated breathing]
[yelling]
It is an essential part
of your military equipment.
It will be kept clean and free
of dirt and foreign objects.
Abuse of military property
is not to be tolerated.
Worrell, get back in line!
Worrell, get back in line!
Worrell, do you hear me?
What do you think you're doing?
Worrell!
Worrell, give me that!
[muffled speech]
Worrell, have you
lost your mind?
Worrell, get back in line!
[squeaking]
Can you hear me, Worrell?
This is disobeying orders!
[groaning]
Worrell, no smoking on duty!
Worrell, I'll see you
court marshalled for this!
[groans]
[thud]
I'm with the press.
OK, you guys.
I'll catch you later.
Ooh, hurry up, man.
I'm bursting.
Right on through.
Thanks.
You wouldn't happen to--
And when the smoke clears,
you'll be singing soprano.
And finally, the newly
developed rock mines.
The one on my right
is an ordinary rock.
The one on the left
will rock your world.
Handle this one carefully, men.
Hm?
COLONEL GULLET:
They're very sensitive.
They're perfectly camouflaged.
A good bump will definitely
turn you into a fine red mist.
Hm?
Give me the mine, private.
Give it to him.
Give it to him, Ernest.
Eenie, meanie, miney--
One potato, two potato--
Paper, rock, scissors--
The mine!
SOLDIER: Ernest, give it to him.
General!
GENERAL LINCOLN: I'm busy.
[kaboom]
[yells]
[crash]
[coughing]
SOLDIER: Can I keep the rock?
Sir.
Carter, Rosen, at ease, men.
Cut.
Keep that take.
I want that one for myself.
[chuckles]
[helicopter noise]
SOLDIER: Private, get over here!
Hey, Ernest, where
are you headed?
I'm gonna go whip
up my special pancake
breakfast for the troops.
I'll warn them.
BOY: No!
Stop!
Leave me alone!
That's mine!
Hey, what's going on there?
You leave that boy alone.
You saved my life.
I owe you everything.
I will return all of your money.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
It's OK, little fella.
It's OK.
Oh, no.
They would have killed me.
I owe you, sahib.
Here, here is your
money with some extra.
Well-- well, what's your name?
Ben-Ali will be
in your service
for as long as I breathe.
I had a good buddy
back home named Ben.
I am good buddy now.
Good buddy forever.
My name is Ernest.
Ben.
Ben, close buddy to Ernest, eh?
Um, Ben, I've got to go
now and cook breakfast.
Do you like pancakes?
Yes.
I kinda thought you would.
[news intro music playing]
NEWS ANNOUNCER:
With INNI, you are
there in Operation Sand Trap.
UN Peacekeeping Forces have
established a firm beachhead
in Karifistan, but now Tufuti is
in possession of a pluton bomb.
What started out to be a
simple peacekeeping mission
has put American
troops in harm's way.
This deadly game may
escalate beyond control.
Excellency, news from
the northern commander.
Yes, Kibee?
Northern Karifistan
has fallen.
The UN has established
a beachhead.
The eagle has perched
in your cross-hairs.
Excellent.
Tell the commander to send
me four of his best men.
It's time to move
on to the next tee.
As you command, Excellency.
[laughs]
(FRENCH ACCENT) Bonsoir,
monsieur, and welcome
to "Cooking with Ernesto."
Today we're going
to attempt my world
famous recipe for GI
pancakes, or as I call them,
crepes khaki.
First-a, we and a few eggs.
[clank]
Eww.
Perfect.
Now, we add the mix.
Isn't that too much?
It is a creative thing, Pepe.
You will understand
when you are older.
Now, we add enough water to mix.
[spraying]
Eww.
It is perhaps a bit thin.
We will add a bit
more mix to thicken.
I see.
[blowing]
Ah, perfecto.
Now, it is time
to test the grill.
[sizzling]
Ah!
Ah, Ben!
(MUFFLED) Ben, hand
me the spatula.
A bababa?
The spatula.
Ah, a bababa.
A spatula.
Oh.
One of these?
Uh-huh.
Funny.
We call them spatulas.
Oh, give me that.
[sighs]
Oh, morning.
Pancakes?
[grunting]
[clank]
Wh-- whoa.
[crash]
Sorry.
Good morning.
Morning.
[grunting]
[clank]
[grunts]
Sorry, that one's dirty.
Here, let me get
you another one.
No!
No!
I got blueberry.
SOLDIER: No way, man!
Would you like the blueberry?
[sawing]
[fizzing]
Seconds?
Have you tried these?
[clank]
[crunch]
Mm.
Good.
Needs a little syrup.
Ben, hand me the syrup.
Thanks.
[chuckles]
Mm.
Mm.
That's better.
[clank]
[whoosh]
[clank]
Ooh!
Ben, what do you
want for breakfast?
I think I'll take my
chances on the street.
Can you get me a cheeseburger?
Hi.
Excuse me.
Guy, oh.
Hi.
They hate it when
you punch holes
in these armored
personnel carriers.
Has this happened before?
Only on pancake day.
Usually, the eggs just
kinda eat the paint off.
[chuckles]
Could you, um--
Never mind, it's OK.
I can't believe it.
It's my dream come true.
It's-- it's Cindy Swanson.
She's here at Karifistan.
Is that your girlfriend?
Well, no.
Not really my girlfriend.
We just kind of--
I mean, I just know
her from seeing
her on the Channel 3 News.
Oh, this is my lucky day.
See, the Geshua charm works.
Can I help you with your bags?
Oh, are you a mirage?
No, ma'am.
Southern Baptist.
Thank you, I'm Cindy Sw--
I know, you're Cindy Swanson
from Channel 3 in the states.
I'm your biggest fan.
And you are?
Oh, Private Ernest P.
Worrell, at your service.
- At ease, Worrell.
- Oh, hi, Colonel.
This is Cindy Swanson.
You know, from Channel
3 in the states?
A close personal friend of mine.
Colonel Bradley Gullet.
Hello.
I'll take it
from here, Worrell.
Oh, really, sir,
it's no trouble at all.
I said I'll take it from here.
Yeah, Cindy, the Colonel
can handle your bags.
He's real strong.
I'll see you around, Cindy.
Thanks, Ernest.
- You're a reporter, huh?
- Mm-hm.
Well, stick with
me, Miss Swanson.
When it comes to
getting a scoop,
it's strictly who you know.
Private Dawson, get those bags.
I guess the Geshua
charm didn't work so well.
Neither did the Worrell charm.
There are many ways
to feed a camel, Master.
Know what I mean?
Do you mean Cindy
is a camel master?
[chatter]
All right.
Now, remember General,
be sure to look
straight into the cameras.
America, and the rest of the
world, is staring back at you.
- Can I look at my notes?
- Don't look at your notes.
Don't look at my notes?
BARNES: Don't look
at your notes.
And don't take any questions
from that round haircut at CBS.
- Oh, I hate that dork.
- Yeah, me too.
You got your Nam metals on?
Affirmative.
Act natural, warm.
Friendly, but firm.
- Firm.
Firm.
A general's firm.
- A general's firm.
- All right.
That's right, tiger.
Now, get out there and
take your best shot.
Barnes!
What if I get a book
deal out of this?
Don't worry, we'll
get a ghostwriter.
- A ghostwriter?
- Powell's got a ghostwriter.
Really?
I did not know that.
Run along.
Run along.
REPORTER: General!
[snoring]
COLONEL GULLET: Gentlemen, may
I have your attention, please?
It appears Tufuti has more
firepower than anticipated,
so we must escalate the contact.
You men will be moving toward
the front lines at 0600 hours.
That's in three hours from now.
Nighty night.
Sleep tight.
SOLDIER 1: Boy
SOLDIER 2: Oh, man.
I thought we
were a supply unit.
I didn't think we'd
actually see combat.
Combat?
[gulp]
Don't be afraid,
Corporal Davis, Ernest
is the great American warrior
my father talked about.
He will protect us all.
That's right.
I'll just-- Ben!
What are you doing under there?
I stick by my
good buddy Ernest.
You said buddies stick together.
Oh, Ben, you can't stay here.
You've got to go home.
Your folks will worry about you.
Did you hear me, Ben?
You've got to go home.
I have no home.
This is my home now.
Well, what about your family?
My mother was killed
by Tufuti's [inaudible],
and my father went to
fight in the resistance
and never came home.
[cries]
I'm sorry, Ben.
Don't worry.
Everything's gonna be OK.
I know what it's
like to be alone.
Good night, son.
[sighs]
Where are they going?
DAVIS: I have no
idea, but I think
the Colonel's gonna be the first
one of us to see some action.
BEN-ALI: Ernest!
- Come on, Ernest.
Let's go.
BEN-ALI: Ernest!
Ernest!
Where are you going?
We've got to go to the
front to help the soldiers.
- I go too.
- Oh, no, Ben.
This is no place for a boy.
I am not a boy.
I'm a brave warrior like Ernest.
I'm sorry, Ben, but you're
gonna have to stay here.
What about sticking
by your buddy?
I'm sorry, Ben.
We've got to go.
We'll be back.
He'll never come back.
[laughing]
Excellency.
Yes, Kibee?
These are the
men you sent for.
I need to put a
face on this invasion.
A sympathetic face.
One that will ensure
media attention.
An American face.
[laughs]
[all laugh]
Out!
Out!
Out!
[laughing]
Colonel Gullet, where are we?
We're about three
steps from heaven.
Oh!
Colonel Gullet, please!
Let's just stick to
the problem at hand.
I'm trying to get
back to this base.
Look, I'm not used to
taking no for an answer.
When I see something
I want, I go--
[groans]
Thanks.
Say, you fellas look like
you're from around here.
Would you happen to
know where this place--
[screams]
[muffled screaming]
[news intro music playing]
NEWS ANNOUNCER:
With INNI, you are
there in Operation Sand Trap.
I'm Frank Williams, and
we're waiting for a briefing
from General Rodney Lincoln,
perhaps the most colorful
of all the allied commanders
of Operation Sand Trap.
And what a voice.
At approximately
1800 hours today
the Allied Forces will begin
carpet bombing Sectors 30, 31,
and 32, along with 200
sorties as preparatory
to ground assault.
BARNES: Slip the map.
Here.
Now the color.
GENERAL LINCOLN: And if Tutti
Frutti has the common sense
of a duck, he'll tuck that
keester of his up under that
beach blanket he wears
for a hat and hightail
it out of there like a jack
rabbit in a Louisiana oil
spill.
That a boy.
Any questions?
[clamoring]
CINDY: Gullet.
Gullet!
Wake up, you creep.
I can't believe you
got me into this.
Hey, look.
Look who's out there.
What is it?
It's President Tufuti.
Tufuti?
In the flesh.
He standing over by the
oasis with those goons
who captured us.
Oasis?
The only enemy base near
an oasis is in Sector 32.
Sector 32.
Great.
Now we know where we
are, no thanks to you.
Too bad nobody else does.
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't know we were
close to enemy lines.
Yeah, well, you're gonna
be real sorry in a minute
because they're headed this way.
Untie them.
Hi.
[speaking arabic]
I trust you are content
with your accommodations,
and that your journey
into our little country
has been a pleasant one?
Mr. President.
- For Life.
- Whatever.
You must forgive
these ruffians.
They're not very
polite sometimes.
Ah, a member of the press
and a lovely one, at that.
[chuckles]
DAVIS: OK.
OK.
I hear you.
Hold it up, Ernest.
It looks like headquarters
has changed their mind again.
I'll be in the
communications truck.
I can't believe
they're doing this to us.
We just got here.
That's Army
intelligence for you.
Hey, has anybody
seen Colonel Gullet?
He's been gone all day.
Maybe that reporterette's
got him tied up.
Maybe somebody should
go looking for him.
I'd volunteer.
What's the deal here, Chuck?
They're calling for a bug out.
The F-18s are bombing the
entire area at 1800 hours.
Wow.
This is neat.
Do you get wrestling here?
You know, the Undertaker's
gonna be on Monday Night Raw
this week.
- Really?
Bullwhips?
Barbed wire.
Mm, good match.
[static]
It is now--
Hey, don't touch this stuff.
--Arisian troops have
at least two hostages.
A British Colonel and
an American woman.
We go now to a satellite
feed of a videotape
we received moments ago from
somewhere in the Middle East.
I am Colonel Bradley Gullet.
Oh, look.
It's the Colonel and Cindy.
Well, at least they're safe.
--invasion of the sovereign
nation of Karifistan.
I'm Cindy Swanson, a news
reporter for Channel 3--
Channel 32.
Ain't she something?
She's the best reporter
Channel 3 ever had,
and she smells good too.
But she said Channel 32.
No, she's on Channel 3.
I watch her all the time.
No, she said Channel 32.
Wait a minute.
CINDY (ON TV): We denounce
the American allies--
Maybe she's trying
to tell us something.
Channel 32.
Again, this is Cindy
Swanson, for Channel 32.
Channel 32?
Channel 32?
Maybe she meant Sector 32.
No.
No, she said Channel 32.
Therefore, the code
word is "Channel."
[laughing]
Soon there will
be a liberator.
Yes.
[coughing]
I've got a full
canteen and a flashlight.
We can be back before
anybody knows we're gone.
No, Ernest, that's
Air Rescue's job.
But what about the
Colonel and Cindy?
Don't they count?
I'm sorry about the
girl, but she's the media
and not our responsibility.
As for the Colonel,
he's not the Sarge.
Can't we do something?
Get in, Ernest.
That's an order!
I'm sorry, sir.
I know it's high treason,
and probably very rude,
but a real soldier wouldn't
leave those people out there.
And Ironically, neither will I.
Ernest, get back here!
NARRATOR: And so, it
will come to pass,
that the great
American warrior will
plunge himself into the
vast wasteland of death.
He alone, a human
spear, thrusting
the heart of the beast.
Kibee, bring me
the UN Colonel.
As you desire, Mr. President--
For Life.
Colonel Gullet, it is time.
What?
What's going on?
Where are you taking him?
[sighs]
It looks like I'm first.
Sorry, Cindy.
We'll be back for
you, Miss Swanson.
No hurry.
[helicopter noise]
Well, Colonel, you look
very good on television.
I think you should
consider it as a career.
I held up my end
of the deal, Tufuti.
I delivered you your
news correspondent,
now pay me my money.
I don't think you're
in such a good position
to be demanding anything.
You'll die for this, Tufuti.
Strap him to the missile.
We'll send him back
to his friends.
You'll die for this!
Kibee, my club.
[wind howling]
[panting]
[grunting]
[spits]
[plop]
The desert sun certainly
has a diverse effect
on chocolate milk.
BEN-ALI: Ernest!
Where's Ernest?
Have you seen Ernest?
Ernest!
Where's Ernest?
Have you seen Ernest?
Where's Ernest?
Ernest?
Where's Ernest?
Have you seen Ernest?
No, Ben.
He went off into the desert.
He did?
He thinks he's gonna save
the Colonel and that reporter.
Which way did he go?
I can't talk.
I gotta go.
What did he say?
I gotta go.
SOLDIER: Let's go now.
Quit standing around.
Grab that box.
Let's go, gentlemen.
[panting]
[wind howling]
My lips are peeling.
[smacking lips]
DAVIS: He just headed
off toward Sector 32.
I tried to stop him,
but he just kept going.
BARNES: Sector 32?
We're just about to turn that
wasteland into more wasteland.
Who else have you
told about this?
DAVIS: No one.
BARNES: You keep it
to yourself, soldier.
I'll handle it from here.
DAVIS: Yes, sir.
Sector 32.
BARNES: Prepare
to launch assault.
OK, this shouldn't be hard.
Lift one foot.
Now, easy.
One step at a time.
Don't disturb the sand.
[groaning]
[spits]
Sand angels.
[chuckles]
[scoffs]
Poisoned barbed wire.
A feeble attempt to
frighten the lesser minds.
[zapping]
[groaning]
[mumbles]
[thud]
Well, at least I
didn't get poisoned.
[zap]
Oh.
[buzzing]
[laughs]
Oh, yeah.
[zapping]
[groaning]
[mumbles]
[thud]
Hmm.
If it hadn't been for my
stealth-like ninja moves,
I never would have
made it this far.
I am poultry in motion.
[clank]
[incoherent mumbling]
[grunts]
[thud]
My people, today we celebrate
tomorrow's certain sacred
victory over the Americans.
And tomorrow we will pierce
the heart of the eagle,
and all the land will
praise Almar Habib Tufuti,
President for Life of Arisia.
[cheering]
ALL: [chanting] Tufuti!
Tufuti!
Tufuti!
For Life!
For Life!
Hang on.
[ripping]
Ta-da!
The cavalry has arrived.
[sighs]
Private Worrell?
(IMITATING JOHN
WAYNE) Well, you can
call me Ernest, little lady.
[shushing]
Please.
Where are the other soldiers?
It's just me.
I'm on special assignment.
I can't get this rope untied.
I can't believe you crossed
the desert by yourself.
I thought you were the cook.
I am.
And a real good one too.
I tell you what.
I'm gonna have to
lift this pole up,
and you slide the
rope underneath.
OK.
OK?
[grunts]
Where's the Colonel.
Well, they probably put
him with the other prisoners.
How'd you get in here?
Ninja training.
I am poultry in motion.
OK, you ready?
I'm gonna lift.
Yeah, yeah.
OK.
Slide.
[grunting]
OK, slide it.
I'm out!
Oh!
[grunting]
Ow!
Come here, private.
Oh, private.
[whistles]
Come on, private.
Oh, private Worrell.
OK, let me help you.
We'll pull up.
Ready?
- OK.
OK.
One, two, three.
Pull me back.
Quiet!
Private Worrell, the pole!
Ah, the pole.
No, I think I got it.
No, I got it.
Let me get it.
[crash]
[screams]
Hurry!
Don't let them escape!
Get them!
Get them!
Move!
We've blown it now.
Find the way out.
Hurry.
ERNEST: Dang it.
I-- I think I broke a nail.
CINDY: Oh, please, Ernest.
[whacking]
You fools, move!
Ow.
Try that way.
ERNEST: Doesn't this
hurt your knees?
No!
Stop being such a sissy.
Let's go!
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Harder!
Harder!
Whah!
No.
Try over here.
[groaning]
Beat harder!
Harder!
[clank]
Ouch.
How about this way?
[groaning]
OK, look, we'll just
have to brave it.
Keep your head up real high.
OK.
Oh, Ernest, you
coward, get up!
[banging]
ERNEST: Ow!
[groaning]
I can't help it.
[soldiers yelling]
Move it!
ERNEST: Let's go.
Hit harder!
They're still moving!
Grab the handle, idiot!
Don't just stand there!
OK, let's go.
[whacking]
[yelling]
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Where
the hell are they?
Spread out!
Kibee, you're in the dungeon!
Do you understand?
Shh.
Oh, help us, please.
Please, help us.
OK.
No problem.
I'll have you out
of here in a jiffy.
CINDY: Ernest, shh.
[clunk]
[slam]
Oh, oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Allah be praised.
[shushing]
You have saved us.
You must be the great American
warrior of the prophecy.
Oh, shucks.
It was nothing.
You must have me confused
with some other great
American warrior of prophecy.
[yelling]
Here comes the guards.
[slam]
Come on, let's go!
[groans]
[screams]
[crash]
[rapid gunfire]
[laughing]
[clunk]
Come on, they're
shooting real bullets!
Real bullets?
I'll go first.
Cover me.
Worrell, come back here!
CINDY: Wait!
Wait, Ernest!
[rapid gunfire]
[grunting]
Ladies first.
OK, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, Ernest.
Let's go.
[zap]
Ow!
Ouch.
Come on, let's go.
[yelling]
Kill them.
Take no prisoners.
[groans]
- We made it, Ernest.
- Yes.
We made it.
Oh, we did it.
Oh, look, they've
got Colonel Gullet.
We've got to go back.
Are you crazy?
We can't go back in!
Look, you go on ahead.
I've gotta go back
in for the Colonel.
No, we can go get help.
We don't have to.
You don't understand.
Sarge said, in the Army you've
gotta watch out for your buddy.
And Colonel Gullet's my buddy,
even though he is a Colonel
Ernest.
What we need is a plan.
How about an escort?
No, too small.
We need at least a Humvee.
- Ernest.
Ernest.
Ernest!
Oh, that kind of escort?
Hi, fellas.
- OK.
Oh, no.
Ouch.
Ow!
Lips.
He peels easy.
This is General Lincoln.
Commence the bombing
on Operation Sand Trap.
The first bird's
up at 1800 hours.
Whiskey, Alpha, Bravo.
My indecision is final.
Cut.
You were terrific, General.
Terrific.
All right.
Now let's take some
black and white stills.
I think that would
look more authentic.
Oh, Barnes, I don't look
so good in black and white.
We can airbrush them.
Mm.
You know, they
say every man has
a bullet with his name on it.
Yeah.
Here's mine, see?
Ernest.
I figure, as long as
this is in my pocket,
nobody can shoot me with it.
Oh, great, Ernest.
[scoffs]
Don't tell them
I've got it, OK?
CINDY: Done.
Tufuti, you're gonna get
in big trouble for this.
I'm a noncombatant.
I'm a member of the press.
Yeah, I'm a noncombatant too.
I'm in the Reserves.
The barbarians think they can
send an infidel into my camp
to destroy my plans.
Who do they think you are?
Rambo?
Well, close.
Ready!
Aim!
Hold it!
Don't we get a last meal?
I could sure go for a pizza.
Pepperoni, sausage,
extra cheese--
COLONEL GULLET: Up here, boy.
- --black olives.
No anchovies.
Maybe some chocolate chips.
Ready!
Aim!
Hey, hey.
I could use my last phone
call to call for a pizza.
They could be here
in 30 minutes.
Look, we could all pitch in.
I've got tip money.
No pizza!
Ready!
Well, what about a blindfold?
No blindfold.
What kind of a jake
leg outfit is this?
No last meal, no phone
call, no blindfold.
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: No budget.
[grunts]
ERNEST: Oh.
Well, I bet none of you
have ever even shot anybody.
Kibee shot a man in
the foot last year.
It was an accident,
Mr. President for Life.
I have such feelings of guilt.
Act like a man!
Any other requests?
- Yeah.
(SHOUTING) Let me go!
[engine starts]
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Ready!
Aim!
COLONEL GULLET:
Where are you going?
BEN-ALI: Here we come, Ernest.
KIBEE: Your Excellency!
[yells]
Ernest.
Ernest!
Let's go!
[rapid gunfire]
[tires squeal]
BEN-ALI: Get in, Ernest!
Go, Ernest!
Go!
BEN-ALI: Get in!
Go!
CINDY: Come on, Ernest.
- Scoot over.
CINDY: Hit the gas!
This is a job for Army people.
CINDY: Oh, come on.
Let's just go.
Go!
[yelling]
[crash]
Kibee, where is my missile?
Where is my pluton missile?
I-- I think it has
been removed, Excellency.
(SHOUTING) Bring
me my desert demons!
[bang]
In 30 minutes, the
bombs will begin to drop,
and this will be
your finest hour.
Barnes, do you think
those Brit generals
look so sophisticated because
they have those little pencil
thin mustaches?
Excuse me, sir.
The satellite just picked up a
truck carrying a large missile.
Barnes, there's no greater
feeling than breaking
the enemy's spirit.
That's how I met my wife.
Sir, the missile's
headed towards us.
What?
Barnes, pull out the
big guns, scramble
the fighters, get me the Navy.
We gotta nuke that missile now
before they get any closer.
Yes, sir.
[snip]
Oh, boy.
Barnes?
Barnes?
Worrell, stop the truck
and get me down off of here!
Which way do we go?
- Head for the dunes!
- Which one?
The white one!
The white one!
Eenie, meanie, miney--
One potato, two potato--
Eenie one potato!
Are you sure it's
not meanie two potato?
No, no!
Eenie one potato!
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Don't let
them get away, you fools!
Kibee, faster!
Ernest, we're gonna
get stuck in this stuff.
Nah, I used to be a
mailman in Michigan.
[gunfire]
Oh, no!
Ernest!
Worrell, where are you going?
What are you doing?
You're the press.
You're supposed to
be non-combative.
Tufuti, President for
Life, broke the rules first.
Now, is this semi-automatic
or full rock and roll?
[gunfire]
COLONEL GULLET: Shoot!
[rapid gunfire]
[screams]
COLONEL GULLET: Worrell!
CINDY: One down.
BEN-ALI: More bananas?
[rapid gunfire]
I'm out of shells.
Give me another clip.
COLONEL GULLET: Worrell!
Get us out of here!
Ow!
Hang on, Colonel Gullet!
CINDY: Look out.
OK, watch the dip, Ernest!
[groans]
[screams]
Base Camp, here we come.
Happy to report,
the pluton missile
moves to Karifistan border.
It seems Interceptor is
delivering as promised.
Soon, world powers will
be emptying their bank
accounts into our coffers.
[gunfire]
COLONEL GULLET: No, Ernest!
Ernest!
Turn around and go back!
You can't go through there.
This is no time to
stop and admire the view.
Rock mines.
Oh, we're trapped.
Not yet, we're not.
What are you doing?
What I do best.
Are you crazy?
Get me down from here!
[gunfire]
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Oh, no!
They're getting closer!
Put that foot into
the corner, Kibee!
We're going to get them!
KIBEE: They won't get away.
He said he's been a
prisoner of Tufuti's,
and that the pluton
bomb is now in the hands
of the great American warrior.
I thought I was the
great American warrior?
Well, you are, sir.
This is just someone
claiming to be.
Oh, an imposter?
I'm sure there's
nothing to it.
Well, let's check it out.
There's not room in
this desert for two
great American warriors.
[sighs]
Is this the man?
Yes, sir.
Oh, Your Excellency.
I-- I am so happy and honored
that you would see me.
I bring great news.
You said an American
has the pluton missile?
Oh, yes, and he's
bringing it to you.
Oh, he's such a great warrior!
Is anyone with him?
A UN Colonel and a woman.
Oh, Pierre!
[groans]
- Come on.
Come outside.
We need to talk.
Just listen.
Listen.
We'd better call off that
carpet bombing before they
take out that pluton missile.
Well, what's wrong with that?
Because we want to
capture it and take
all the credit for ourselves.
Oh.
You'd think this was
his first conflict.
COLONEL GULLET: Ernest.
Ernest!
What do you think you're doing?
Come on, Ernest.
[smack]
Are you crazy?
Get me down from here!
You fool, Ernest!
Put that thing down!
You'll have us all killed!
OK.
Just keep the gas steady.
OK, here we go.
Easy.
COLONEL GULLET: Stop this thing!
PRESIDENT TUFUTI:
Move it, Kibee!
Move it!
They're getting away!
Look out, Ernest!
Here they come!
BEN-ALI: Hurry!
Hurry!
ERNEST: Gotcha!
CINDY: Nice one!
[boom]
This is a whole lot easier
without clubbers trying
to bop you with a six iron.
Here's one!
BEN-ALI: Yeah!
[boom]
Ernest!
CINDY: He's unbelievable.
I believed it all along.
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Faster, Kibee.
Faster!
How about a double dip?
Assorted flavors.
There you go.
[boom]
[boom]
CINDY: Nice one, Ernest.
PRESIDENT TUFUTI: You fool!
Ernest, faster!
Faster!
Come on.
KIBEE: Look out, sir.
Be careful!
[yells]
[cindy laughs]
You got the poop,
I got the scoop.
[screeching]
[boom]
[boom]
Man, this guy
can't take a hint.
Come on, Kibee.
Move it!
They're getting away!
FLIGHT LEADER: Delta,
Bravo, one-niner.
Abort sortie.
Abort sortie.
JET PILOT: Roger, HQ.
We're heading home.
This way.
This way.
COLONEL GULLET: Worrell,
where are you going?
That's it.
Stop that!
Worrell!
[grumbles]
Get me down!
ERNEST: Oh.
We're stuck.
There he is!
Excellency?
He's ours now!
[laughing]
CINDY: Ernest, don't.
Get out of there!
[screeches]
Come on Tufrutti.
Give us your best shot.
You have been very
troublesome for me,
but now I am rid of you!
[gun cocks]
CINDY: Duck!
Duck, Ernest!
[chuckles]
KIBEE: Oh, no!
No.
No, no, no!
[yells]
[clank]
SOLDIER: Help!
Help!
It's only a rock, Excellency.
[laughing]
[chuckles]
Ready to die, great
American warrior?
[laughs]
[whooshing]
[clunk]
[thud]
[chuckles]
Excellency, you are
damaged, for life.
[kibee laughs]
Yeah.
[cindy screams]
Yeah, Earnest.
What a shot!
You have defeated the beast.
What was that you threw?
All in a day's cooking.
know what I mean?
COLONEL GULLET: Would
somebody untie me?
Oh, sorry Colonel.
I'll just lower this hydraulic.
[whirring]
COLONEL GULLET: Get me off here!
ERNEST: Loosen those
on the bottom, Ben.
Good.
Don't worry, Colonel.
I'll have you loose in a minute.
COLONEL GULLET: Yeah,
about time, too.
ERNEST: There you go.
[thwack]
[thud]
Now, move away from
this missile or the boy
meets Allah prematurely.
[beep]
Interceptor confirms capture.
Rendezvous at Sector C-12.
Interceptor
seeks confirmation.
Confirm his deposit of one
hundred million US dollars
into his Swiss bank account.
Dispatch a unit to pick up
the pluton missile when he
crosses the Karifistan border.
As Boyard commands.
COLONEL GULLET: Bank
account number 639736412-12.
Code name, Interceptor.
Confirm bank deposits.
Got it.
I can't believe you can
be such a traitor, Gullet.
It's just business.
Now, move away
from this missile!
Look, you can keep the
missile, just let the boy go.
The boy goes with me.
CINDY: Let the boy go, Gullet.
What do you want
with a pluton missile?
Soon I'll be in a world
where idiots like you are
outlawed, living the good life.
Goodbye, Ernest.
Thanks for the ride.
[groans]
You!
ERNEST: Duck men!
[whack]
Oh, Ernest!
Oh.
[rumbling]
BEN-ALI: The ropes, Ernest!
The ropes!
[yelling]
If it's gonna hurt, I'm
sure glad that isn't me.
[kaboom]
[groaning]
Eww.
Oh.
Eww.
[muffled speech]
GENERAL LINCOLN: There they are.
BARNES: Keep it rolling, Lloyd.
Stop here.
The light's good.
Get me a closeup of the girl.
What have you done
with my missile, private?
General, it's
been neutralized.
You should be pinning
a medal on Ernest.
Oh.
Yeah, well, I--
I will.
I'm gonna put a whole chest
full of medals on him.
Good work, soldier.
General, be careful
what you promise, sir.
Shut up, Barnes.
You're fired.
How am I doing, Lloyd?
Ernest!
Hey, Ernest!
Way to go, buddy.
- Ben, you're-- you're not--
- I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I just gotta lay
off the pork rinds.
Ernest, in my book,
you're Army people.
Army people.
I'm Frank Williams,
INNI European division.
Oh.
I believe that you have
all the inside details.
Tell me, what would it take
for INNI to get an exclusive?
Oh, well, uh--
How long did you say
you've been in your job?
Ben-Ali?
Ben-Ali!
Ben-Ali!
Abi.
Abi!
Allah be praised,
it is my son.
My son!
My son!
Abi!
My son!
Abi!
I thought I had
lost you forever.
Well, I guess the Geshua charm
really does bring good luck.
The good luck is that you
are the great American warrior.
Wait a minute, Ben.
You can't keep the great
American warrior to yourself.
I have some unfinished
business with him.
[moans]
Eww.
What is this?
Oh, sorry.
My lips peel easily.
Oh.
ERNEST: Cindy.
Cindy.
CINDY: Go away, Ernest!
ERNEST: How about coming over?
I'll make you some pancakes.
CINDY: Now, I'm grossed out.
ERNEST: No, really.
I make the best pancakes
in the whole world.
CINDY: Ernest, I have one
word for you-- lip balm.
NARRATOR: And so it came,
as the years passed,
that Ben Ali became a great
leader of the Arab world
and brought peace to
the war-torn land.
And on every public
building and street sign,
a small, barely-visible
inscription
read "Stick by your buddy."
Know what I mean?
[music playing]