Ernest Goes to Africa (1997) - full transcript

The title says it all. There's a mix up involving stolen diamonds which Ernest has (naturally) made into a yo-yo and given to his would be girlfriend, Rene. But Rene wants a man of action, and doesn't think that Ernest fits the bill. After the bad guys come looking for the stolen diamonds and kidnap Rene, all of her fantasies come true as Ernest has to go to Africa to rescue her.

[waves crashing]

[music playing]

[snorts] [laughs]
[laughs] Hmm.



[non-english singing]

[non-english speech]

[music playing]

Come on, man, come on!

Give me the bag and grab hold!

We made it, mate.

Who said, we, mate?




[non-english yelling]


Yes, sir, I'm coming.

WOMAN: Can't you just lift
the steering wheel up?

IT'S at the wrong angle.

You said you could fix it.

Yes, ma'am.

See, this link's got to move.

See, your camrack is
connected to your bandtrap.

And that makes likes the
pressure in your gallywasher.

Of course, women seldom
understand stuff like this.

What was that?

What was that?

Did you break something?

I paid a lot of
money for this car.

You better not have
broken anything.

Oh, no, ma'am.

These cars got a lot of
stuff you don't even need.

I knew it!

You broke something.

You broke my new car!

I want to see the owner
of this gas station.

Yeah, this oughta do it.

Well, at least I got rid
of that excess pressure.

[music playing]

ERNEST: Whoah!




Excuse me, sir.

Your man out there, I brought
my red Mustang in for him

to lift the steering wheel.

He's breaking pieces off of it.

[grunts] Ahh!

[grunting] [sighs]

Are you gonna come out
there and sort it out?

- Of course.
- Great.

I-- I--

That was a close one.

Ernest, what's
going on out here?

Ugh, not only is he
trying to-- to ruin my car,

he's also trying to a
steal my pocketbook!

Look, there's my
purse in his toolbox!

Ernest, get down
from there right now.

Let go of that.




My car!

My beautiful, beautiful car.

No, no, no, just calm
down, lady, calm down.

He'll pay for this, you'll see.

Ernest, you get out of
this car this instant.

Yes, sir.

Ernest, you're fired.

[music playing]

Here you are, gentlemen.

Here are your eggs.

Can I get you some more coffee?

Hey, what gives here?

I ordered over-easy and runny.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I just got confused.

Well, get unconfused,
how about it?

All righty.

Be right back.

Excuse me.

What's bugging you, Rene?

It's not like you
to make a mistake,

much less take a load of
crap off a creep like him.

Well, I guess it's
my dull miserable life.

Well, it's no need
to sugarcoat it.

[sighs] I tell
you Betty, if my Mr.

Right came into my life right
now, all this would change.

He'd be brave and
daring, and he'd

take me on some
dangerous mission laced

with international intrigue.

And I'd get all caught
up in an adventure that

would perpetually
pump up the adrenaline

and peel back the
eyelids with fright.

Wouldn't that be neat?

You-- you've been reading
too many romance novels.

And then he'd save
me from the clutches

of some horrible death, and we
ride off into the sunset arm

in arm, just he and I. Oh, oh!

Send shivers down my spine!


Speaking of shivers,
look who's here?

Hey girls!
How you doing?

It's me!
I'm here!

Doesn't that guy ever give up?

Ah, give him a break.

He's got such a crush on you.


It's all I need, some
nerd like Ernest.

Just another small town guy
stuck in the same rut I'm in.

Hey, look.

Check it out!

I call it the apricot smash.


Well, how about you, ladies?

Want a breath mint?

Ernest aren't you supposed to
be at work at the gas station?

Nah, I quit that crummy job.

I told Mr. Ellis that
my talents were being

wasted pumping self-serve--

that I had aspired to
loftier visions of career.

You got fired.

Well, we had a
pleasant parting.

But now I'm free to
pursue my real ambitions.

Which is what?

Ernest, I got a customer.

I gotta go.

She's got you by the
short hair, don't she?

Yeah, well, maybe.

But I haven't turned
on the old Worrel charm

yet, know what I mean?

Unfortunately, I do.

Let me give you a little advice.

See, Rene is really
down right now.

Short of Illinois Smith, I
think a little gift might help.

But what about the
old Worrel charm?

Maybe two little gifts?

Yeah, two gifts.

[music playing]

Hey, don't touch.

WOMAN: Get out.

MAN Don't come near my stall.

BOTH: What's that?
- Hey!



[bird squawks]


[glass shattering]


[baby bird chirping]

Can I help you, sir?

Oh, yeah.

I was just, uh, looking
for something for my girl.

You like that item, sir?

Yeah, I'm, uh,
kind of stuck on it.

Most people are.

It's a very popular item.

That would be $40.


For this little birdhouse?

You don't like it,
you can put it back.

No, I'm taking it all right.

In fact, I'm--

I'm kind of attached to it.



There you go.



MAN: Watch out!


What are you doing?

MAN: Hey, watch it!

There's a mad man.

WOMAN: Hey, don't you
mess with me, boy!

Excuse me!

[grunts] Whoah!

[crowd mumbling]




What you want, I do not take!

- Okay, where are they?
- Where are what?

I know nothing.


Give us the eyes
of Egoli or we'll

pick through your body to find
them with a pair of pliers.

Ooh, what the eyes of Egoli?

I know nothing about this.



Abdul Kazim has instructed us
to bring him the eyes of Egoli

or the eyes of the thief.

Maybe Abdul Kazim should
pluck his own eyes out,

since he stole the eyes
of Egoli to start with.

Oh, don't mind us,
please continue.

I find this sport
rather amusing.

Thank you, Bazoo.

Really balletic.

Oh, thank you, thank you, sir.

You have saved my unworthy skin.

I never dreamed I
would be rescued.

You are so right.

I'm the man of your dreams.

Ooh, this is some
really neat stuff.


I can work with these.

We have taken over your planet.


You looking for the
man in the funny hat?

He went that way officer.

Uh oh.

Hey, you, stop!

Uh oh.



Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Rabaz, I didn't

realize that you weren't fond
of our caped necked friend.


Are you a crazy man?

Oh no.

Just an animal
lover, tree hugger,

you know, conservationist.

I believe that things
should be natural and left

the way that they were.

What are you talking about?

A limo's not a natural
habitat for a cobra!

Correct, Mr. Rabaz.

But weasels and other
disgusting rodents

are fine fair for this
slick young beauty.

What is it you want?

I tell you anything
you want to know.

Are you working
for Abdul Kazim?

No, no, no, no, no, no.


No longer.

My friend is impatient.

[snake hisses]

You-- Kazim is
bound to kill me.

Where have you hidden the
eyes of Egoli, Mr Rabaz?

I know you, Thompson.

You are the one who
stole the eyes of Egoli

from the Sinkatutu tribe.

You are the one who
betrayed the people.

Kazim had you steal the
eyes from me, and then

you double-crossed Kazim.

So the trail ends with you.

And I feel very sorry for you.

Because you will shortly be
feeling the poison of this

cobra trickling
through your veins.

No, wait, please.

It is in the flea market
in a second hand toy stall

in a can marked, two for $1.00.

Oh, please, let me go.

Thank you, Mr. Rabaz.

I'll be right back.

I need the catch stick.

I, too, am not very fond
of handling these things.


Come on, Bazoo,
let's go shopping.

[music playing]

That's it.




[grunts] [humming] Ow!


Yeah, she's gonna love this.

Oh, yeah.

[snoring] Ah!

You give me the eyes
of Egoli, or Bazoo, here,

will cram his foot
down the entire length

of yourself esophagus.


I don't know what
you're talking about.

Looks like the old
man's just a decoy.

The real agent's this guy.

Hey Jake, you want
to see something cool?

It's my inside loop-d-loop.

(ECHO EFFECT) A hush falls over
the crowd as the world champion

yo-yo expert enters the
competition arena really.

[drum roll]

[cymbal crash]

[applause] Rock the cradle.

The crowd goes wild!


And now our champion
will demonstrate

his world of famous
triple around the world.

One, two, three--





Jake-- Jake, I'm sorry,
Jake, it was an accident!

Here, I'll get you some water.


Yeah, water.

Jake-- Jake, I can't see.

Are you in there?

It's too dark.

Here, I'll cut on the light.

[garbage disposal buzz]

Speak to me, Jake.

Speak to me.

Maybe this is quiet time.

[music playing]

Sir Thompson believes
this guy to be agent 32.

Yes, he's a dangerous man.

And is Thompson sure
he's got the eyes of Egoli?

Nkulu is never wrong.

Here he comes.


Hey, Ernest!

Hi, Betty.

I brought that gift.


Oh, Rene.

Hold the onions
on that burger, Joe.

Yes, Ernest?

I-- I made something for you.

See, I've always kind of
thought you were really--

For me?


It's the handoff.

She must be his contact.

Ernest, this is
so sweet of you.

I'm sorry I was kind of
fussy with you before.

Well, opened it up.

A yo-yo.


I made it myself.

I'm pretty good with my hands.


Rene, I-- I was
kind of wondering,

maybe, if you and I--

maybe one afternoon--

Ernest, I really
appreciate this gift and all,

but I just don't think
you and I could ever be.

I need someone who
can add thrills

and adventure to my life.

I don't mean to
be cruel, Ernest,

but you're just a small
town ordinary schmo.

Just like me.

We're both just
ordinary schmoes.

I don't have to be a small
town ordinary schmo or--

I could change.

I'll always treasure
your gift, always.

In fact, I have a whole shelf
of schmo knickknacks at home.

Yeah, me too.


I should schmo--


Gee, I'm sorry, Ernest.

I-- I mean I thought she--

you know--

No, she's right.

I am just a small
town ordinary schmo.

I don't have an adventurous
bone in my whole body.

When we were kids and
went trick or treating,

I never went more
than two houses away.

I guess I'm just doomed to a
life of ordinary-ness-ness.

[music playing]

Oh, chosen one.

May ashes be heaped
on my unworthy head.

The news from America
is without pleasure.

[shrieks] Are you goons
hard of hearing, or what?

Ernest, or agent 32 as
you like to call him,

never gave me any eo-
golly eyes, or whatever.

All I've got is
that dumb old yo-yo,

and if you and
pool-ball over there had

half a brain in your heads--



Didn't you hear him, hon?

I think he said it
twice for emphasis.

It's come to our
attention, Miss Loomis,

that you are an agent for Kazim.

[laughs] Right, me, Rene
Loomis, a secret agent.

Your Cheerios must
be soggy, pal.

[engine starts]

Uh oh.


Where are the eyes of Egoli?

Ernest is the
one with your eyes.

I don't know
anything about them.

And you can pull my arms
out of their sockets.

It's not gonna get you Ernest.

Okay, Miss Loomis.

We'll do just that.

[knuckles cracking]


You really need to
brush your teeth, fella.

[phone rings]


Mr. Worrel.

I've someone who
wants to chat to you.

How did Aunt Ruthie
get my new number?

The doctors aren't supposed
to let her use the phone.

- Earnest?



Guess what?

These men have me
hanging from a forklift,

and they're going
to torture me all

because you have their
silly old eyes or something.

Now give them back their
eyes this minute, Ernest.

I'm tired, I haven't had a
bath, and it's all your fault.

Oh, sure, Rene.

You stay right there and I'll
bring their eyes right to them.

Is your refrigerator running?

Agent 32, this
is a fair warning.

If we don't see you walk
through the door of hangar six

on Jenson street in 20
minutes, your friend

here will be two feet taller.

Two feet taller?

Oh, she'll never be able to
wear that blue dress again.

I'm sure he'll be right over.

You know he probably got
your googly eyes by mistake.

He tends to make mistakes.

Now can I go?

Not so fast, my dear.

If and when agent 32 brings
us the eyes of Egoli,

we'll need to dispose of both
you and your boyfriend anyway.

He is not my boyfriend.

Ugh, gross!

Hangar six, hangar six.

Rene's been kidnapped.

Eyes of Egoli, eyes of Egoli.

Wait a minute.

If I've got this
guy Egoli's eyes,

how did he dial the phone?



Anybody home?



Hello, anybody home?

Agent 32, a.k.a.


Ernest P. W.

Put the eyes of Egoli on
the tray to the left of you

and roll it towards me.

Your other left.

Oh, yeah.

I knew that.

Oh, knock it off
and just give it

back their goo-goo eye thing.

Rene, are you all right?


No, Ernest, I
am not all right.

Now give them back their stuff.

I don't have their stuff.

Bazoo, search him.

Hey, watch it.

I don't know what you're
trying to pull Agent 32.

You saunter in here
without the eyes.

You know I'm going to
have to kill both of you.

Both of us?

On the other
hand, maybe you're

the perfect pawn to play
against Kazim and Epopo.

Here's your yo-yo.

You will have plenty of time to
learn a few tricks on the way

to where you're going.

[engine starts]

Ugh, well, finally.

I am out of here.

Thank you very much.

That is very hard on the wrists.

I'm sure your comrades
will be happy to see

you when you arrive in Africa.
- Africa?


Wait, I can't go to Africa.

I haven't had my shots.

The mosquitoes
there are big enough

to stand flat footed and--

[music playing]

Easy, ow!

Come here, my girl.

I hope you're going
to re-run that movie--

[grunts] I said I hope you're
going to re-run that movie.

You know that part
where the scorpion

crawls up that guy's spine?

And the old lady's
face rotted after she

killed the girl in the shower?

Hey, was her name Rosebud?

You know, in these
overseas flights

they let you keep
the barf bag and it--


Take him to the power
station and make him talk.

Yes, sire.

Uh, look can we just go to
a hotel, have a bath or so--

Sit down and shut up.

All right, all right.

[muffled speech]

Want to make him shut up.


Well, at least I'm out
of that stuffy truck.

Where am I?


Just get this back off.

I smell water.


I'm near water somewhere,
I'm near water.

I'm stuck.

Oh, my head!




I do so hate
being a rude host,

but I need to attend to more
pressing business upstairs.

And since you and Bazoo have
become such warm friends,

I'm sure that he'll
attend to your

every desire while I'm away.


You certainly won't be bored.

[music playing]

Mr. Thompson.

The woman I saw you with,
she has beautiful eyes.

So she does, especially
when she flashes them.

I should hear more about
this remarkable woman.

If you come any
closer to me, Bazoo,

I swear to you, I will toss my
cookies all over your bright

and shiny boots.

And believe me, they will
be sticky up for weeks.

When my boyfriend, Ernest--

when my friend,
Ernest, gets here,

he's gonna kick
butt and take names.

You better keep your distance.

Yeah right, Rene.

My employer is a
very demanding man.

He once bought a bird
from a street vendor,

and when the bird wouldn't sing,
he cut out the vendor's tongue

and fed it to the bird.

A bit excessive,
I thought, but--

We all have our own
particular management style.

My employer is
getting a bit nervous.

The eyes of Egoli have
evaded your grasp,

yet you still have our
million dollar advance.

Lunch money.

It would be
advisable if I were

able to report some progress.

You can report that I have my
own little bird that will sing.

So Bazoo, can I call you Baz?

I bet you were a football
player in school.


[grunts] I was a cheerleader.

Well, no, that's
not true actually.

I was a substitute, you
know, a bench warmer.

I couldn't cartwheel.

They are the toughest, and they
were such sticklers for them.

Have you ever tried one?
Wanna try one?


I could try one.

There is no need to cause
undue friction between us.

We are, how you say,
um, on the same team?

Same team?

Then let's play big league ball.

It's time to
renegotiate my contract.

[groaning] Ooh.

Kazim's boy has caught
that little street

thief that you sent to
pluck the eyes from my safe.

Now that little snake
is with his own kind.

Is that any way to
treat a partner?

You certainly know
how to treat a partner.

I remember only you
returning from Sinkatutuland.

Some partners
just can't keep up.

He missed his flight.

When do we get
the eyes of Egoli?

When I receive $6 million
in my account in the Caymans.

That is double
what we agreed on.

In big league ball
that's what it's

like dealing with a free agent.

[dog barking]

Welcome to the club, sir.

Thank you, John.

Hey, you, stop.

Stop there.


Who are you?


I am Omar Hey You
Abdu Abdul Billy-bazi,

but you can call me Hey You.

Hey You?

At your service.

I work here day and night.

In the day I spray the walkways.

I use thousands of liters of
water just to a move one leave.

It is wonderful.

Thousands die every day
in the Sudan of thirst,

but here there is such plenty.

I've never seen you.

I give much service.

I carry all the bags
for the big shots.

I know all the big shots.

Hey You!

You see, I am on first
name basis with big shots.

I am coming, sahib.

I come to give you good service.

I will help you with these bags.

It is not a problem.

Ho ho!

This is a wonderful game.

How many times do you have to
put the sticks back in the bag?

Is this a good score?



Want a cheer?


(SINGING) Fred and
Wilma, Pebbles,

too, think that Bazoo's
yabba dabba doo.

La de da--

Bazoo is the best.

La de da-- the best
of all the rest.

La de da-- Bazoo is the best.

La de da, La de
da, La de da da da.



You look like
you need a drink.

Hey You!

At your service, sahib.

Service is my middle name.

Well, actually, my
middle name is Karala.

Come over here.

Oh, what is your
desire, oh great one?

I'd like a scotch and water.

Will that be with
ice, oh anointed one,

who's spittle is sacred balm?
- Yes, with ice.

Cubed or shaved, oh majestic
one, whose flip-flop is

the serving spoon of the poor.


As I was saying, Jameen--

In a tall or short
glass, oh, special one?

One whose flatulence is
the perfume of the night?


Good, grief what's
wrong with you?

Oh, nothing oh splendid
one, whose earwax

is the high price spread?

Get your hands off
me, you filthy urchin!

Thank you, chosen
one whose urinal

is the soup bowl of the poor.

Did you hear what I said?

Yes, yes.

Get out.

That is one scotch in
a tall glass with cubes.

Do you want fries with that?


Yes, going.

I go, I go, explicit
one, whose toe jamb is

the toothpaste of the unworthy.

It will be as you wish,
oh supreme on, whose

sweat is the nectar of the bee.

Adjusting that maybe
to cut the, sort of,

mustiness in here, we could
have some kind of air freshener,

like a pine or--

uh, you know, like a--

--baby powder.

All right.

Judging by your
scowl I guess not.

How about a potpourri?

That diamond
mine, Harold says,

we'll be wealthy beyond
our wildest dreams.

Unfortunately, he didn't
tell me where the mine

was before he took the deep 6.

And now, here I am, an
old woman with no money

and no relatives, marooned
in a dark continent,

friendless and betrayed.

If only I could get
some help some where.

Perhaps you people could
be so kind as to help me.

Hey lady, what you doing here?

Get out of here.

If you people
will excuse me, I've

come to bury my husband,
Harold, in the flames

of the gentleman's
club he was so fond.

This is not a funeral
home, now, get out!

He smoked enough cigars
here to kill four men.


What are you talking about?

Tight wad took me on a cruise.

The buffet was so
cheap, all they

had was beanie weenies on
tooth picks and Ritz crackers.

Arnold popped one of the
weenies in his mouth,

choked on the toothpick,
and keeled over dead.

Hey-- hey, lady, listen--

Wouldn't you don't know it,
he died in international waters.

The insurance companies
said, all bets were off.

I've had to live on my
salary teaching charm school.

Well, here you are, Arnold,
the place you so loved.

Ashes to ashes.



Thank you, Harold.

That's the only noble
thing you've ever done.


Oh, yeah.


That was great.

Oh, what a fetching
color, my dear.


You can untie me now.

Oh yeah, sorry.

RENE: Come on!

Hurry, Rene.


They're right behind us.

Grab that golf cart.

Oh, Ernest, you
were wonderful.

So brave, so daring, so
adventurous, I mean, wow!

Rene, you will find that
men, by nature, are divided

into two main categories,
those with 11 fingers and those


Know what I mean?



Wake up, you idiot.

Where is she?

You let her get away.

Don't let them get away.

They can't be far.

Where have you been?


- It's a long story.
- I bet it is.

Get in the Rover.

You're very lucky
you do not fall.

I've seen the figures.

I don't think that Donovan--

ERNEST: Are we slick or what?

RENE: Isn't this lovely--

I wish this thing had a radio.

If it hadn't been
for my NASCAR training,

they might have us
on that last turn.

I remember once at Talladega,
Dale Earnhardt had kind of

caught me of on the right--

Ernest, you know what?

This is a nice clearing.

I think we should
make camp here.

Why don't you go find
us some firewood?



Well, where would
a guy find firewood?

Well, in the woods, of course.

Oh, yeah, wood.

Yeah, okay--

Oh, wow.


RENE: --a bag of
chips, oh, I'm starved.

Yeah, I'll bet somebody
else is starved too.

Well, luckily we won't
have to cook those chips.

[laughs] Go on, Ernest.

Go and get us some firewood.

What are you waiting on?

But first, Rene, I need
some bug repellent spray.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ho!


And of course, I'll need my
high tech tiger-proof vest;

my NATO approved snake leggings,
resistant even to the Arctic

whistling snow
viper; my nuclear,

high-fidelity killer-bee
repulser helmet;

my state-of-the-art
rhino wrestling gloves;

my trusty chainsaw; and
last but not least, some

bananas to bribe the monkeys.

It's always good, Rene, to
have the monkeys on your side.

All we need is some firewood.

Stand back, local species.

I'm coming for the wood.

[chainsaw and growling]

Oh yeah?

Well, I think you're
just a whiny sore loser.

You can keep the chainsaw.

Where do you want the wood?

Well, you're late.


Nice fire.

[music playing]

You idiots have lost
both Ernest and the girl.

Now, you've hunted
leopard at night.

This is a golf-cart,
for Pete's sake.

The leopard is
more predictable.

Now, get on with it!



You were awfully
brave out there today.

Oh, shucks, that was nothing.

I-- I always carry that kind
of equipment in case anything

like this ever happens.

No, I don't mean the firewood.

I mean when you saved me.

You rescued me from
Thompson's killers.

I mean, you were just like
that really handsome guy

from those adventure
movies, Illinois Smith.

Yeah, like "Illinois Smith and
the Curse of Hitler's Brain?"

When the Nazis were
hanging all over the truck,

and Illinois Smith was
driving on two wheels,

and he had his
Luger in his teeth?


Do you remember when
he kissed the girl?


And then he pulls
out his bullwhip,

and he jams the
handle in the gears,

and they all flew off the truck?

Was Illinois scared?

Not at all.

Not Illinois Smith.

He just reared back and
kicked it to the metal.

Took it--

Goodnight, Ernest.

Ah, good night.

And that's when the
propeller tore off the plane

and slammed into the fuselage.

Well, he wasn't scared, though.

He never backed off an inch.

Hey, remember when he
was in the sacred temple?

Remember that?
- Yeah.


And-- And that big rock
started rolling down on him.

And the piggies were
running after him

and they were shooting--


[music playing]

I don't know about you,
but I slept like a baby.

You look like you
slept like a paperclip.



[elephant call]

I'll drive.


I'll just go around that way.


[elephant grumbles]

Maybe I'll just
go around that way.

Yeah, go around.

No problem.

Why don't you come
around this way?

Yeah, come around this way.


Excuse us.

Pardon me.

You know what, climb this way.

Can you climb--

I'll just--

All right, here.

There we go.

You're okay.

Thank you.

Oh, no problem.

There we go.


Let's go.

We're set.

[elephant call]

Not only were
you unsuccessful,

but I believe Thompson
has doubled his price.

Before you pass judgement
on me, oh gracious one,

allow me to inform
you that the bird

flies into the falcon's grip.


Then, we must sharpen and
the falcon's talons, hmm?

Very good, sir.

Very, very, very, very good.



We caught a little wind, there.

Of course we caught
a little wind, Ernest.

We have a bush the size of
Kansas on top of the cart.

Yeah, it's a little
trick I learned in Nam.

It's called camouflage.

So they won't see us.

And why would they notice us?

Two very white people
in a bushy golf

cart somewhere in
the middle of Africa.

It happens all the time.

It does?

Are you enjoying those
leaves your eating?


It's a natural bush plant.

Very nutritious.

I learned about this
in survival school.


It's funny, I just never knew
that poison ivy was edible.

Poison ivy?

Yeah, real tangy.

Look, there's a
giraffe over there.

Oh, where?

Right over there,
next to that bush.

Oh, I don't see it.

Right there, right there!

I don't see it.
Oh, point it out.

Yeah, it must have been
a-- like a tall warthog.


[plane buzzing]

I've just flown all
over this continent

and they're nowhere to be found.

I'm running low on fuel.

I don't care if you're
gliding into the wall.

Don't come back here
without having pinpointed

their exact location.

Wait a minute.

There's a [inaudible]
bush moving down the road.


Let's go.

I don't know about you,
but that poison ivy kind of

made me kind of thirsty.

Yup, I'm kind of
parched, myself.

Good, see that
shanty up ahead there?

Those natives look
friendly enough.

And since I speak
19 Zulu dialects--

Ernest, where did you
learn 19 Zulu dialects?

I used to work
in a record store.

Just pull over here.

Good, good.

You wait here.

You have to know how to
talk to these people.

Hey, homies, what's happening?

What it is, bro?



Oh, Ernest.

Black suit, black
tie, cheap shades?

Bad guy.

[squeals] My head.


I trust your trip to
my palace was relaxing.


I understand that you
are somehow connected

to the eyes of
Egoli, but you have

not been too generous with the
information that you possess.

I assure you, that by the
time this evening is over,

you will gladly cooperate.

In fact, you might
find cooperation

extremely pleasurable.

I don't feel so good.

I really don't need this.



[non-english speech]

Well, then the
bank president says,

it's a nick knack paddy
Jack, give the frog a loan.

Knick knack paddy Jack,
give the frog a loan.

Ah, say, did you see
the girl with the glasses

and the long skinny legs?

Skinny legs, Kazim.


Which way?


Hmm, okay.

It's a nick knack paddy Jack--

--give the frog a loan!

Kazim, kazim.

That oughta be easy
enough to find.

Come, ladies.

WOMAN: Come on, girls!
Up, up, up!

The great Kazim
bids your company.



Here's my chance.


Watch it, pal.

I really think he's cute I'm
just playing hard to get.

[music playing]


Kareem, you old dog.

You never told me about this
new member of our flock.

I wanted to surprise
you, anointed one.

You, come sup with me.


[giggle] I am
unworthy, swami sahib.

Oh, don't be such
a silly little girl.

Come, share a bowl
of the sea's bounty.

It will heighten your
senses this evening.

[giggles] Sit here?

Are you hungry,
my little flower?


Ah, the sweetest fruits
for the sweetest flower.

[gobbling noises]

Some, uh, leg of
turkey, perhaps?

[gobbling noises]


A good appetite is
a sign of passion.

That watermelon looks good.


[slurping noises]





How silly of me.

Ho ho ho.

Now, let's have a little
look at that lovely face.

No, no, no.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.


Oh, just one little peek.

What secrets do you hide?


Oh, we have a
frisky one, here.

Just one little kiss.









Knock it off!



- Look out for the elephant.
- What elephant?

Oh, come on!


[non-english speech] --if
the nick knack paddy Jack,

give the frog a loan

[non-english speech] --Ernest!

Kazim, skinny legs, Kazim!

[non-english speech]
Kazim's got both of them.

Things are gonna get ugly.

Let's go.

[non-english speech]

Now that Prince wasn't so bad.

He had a nice smile.

The food was good.

Of course, the band could
have used a little work.

Ernest, are you
out of your mind?

That Prince would've killed
you in a New York minute.

He's never even
been to New York.


A Nairobi minute, whatever.

Hey, look!

Ernest, there's a truck.

Come on, let's hitch a ride.

Two harem girls in
the middle of nowhere.

Must be my lucky day.


Hello, girls.

How far are you going?

Johannesburg, please.

Well, I'm not going that far.

Oh, how far are you going?

My place.

What you do that for?

I don't know, I saw a
girlfriend do it once.

Here, let's stick him in
the back of the truck.


Rene, next time,
try to knock out

a skinny ostrich farmer, OK?

[car engine]

[gun shots]

Ernest, you better hurry up.

It's Kazim-- I hope you're on
Ernest, cause I'm outta here.

[gun shots]

Ernest, duck!

That's it.

This means war.

This should be the hail
mary pass of the season.

He fades back, back.

He passes!


It's good!

I need more of
something-- more leverage.

That's it.


Ernest, look out!

You gotta couple
of deadly 38's.

Well, I gotta couple a 40's.

[whistle] Yup!


Another one!

More ammo.

Never mind.


Ernest, hit them, not me.



All right, direct hit!

It lifts, it separates,
it's a training bra barrage.

Ugh, these drive-by
shootings are worse than LA.

Hey, fellas, how about
a nice Egg McOstrich?


Whoa, these are gonna hurt.


How do you like them, fellas?

Sunny side up or scrambled?


Atta-boy, biggie!



We got 'em!


Good-bye, Charlie.

[music playing]

[non-english speech]
I get my master--


Good, gracious.

Excuse me, I think
you'll be needing

some permission to go in there.

Mr. Thompson.

We're so happy to see
you again, Mr. Thompson.

Where's Kazim?

He's tending to
some personal business

and can't be undisturbed.

Bazoo, twist this man's
head till it comes off.

But, no business
is so important

that it can't be disturbed for
Kazim's friend Mr Thompson.

But I must warn you,
he's with Dorothy.

Dorothy, huh?

He must be having some real fun.

She is his favorite.

Oh, my darling Dorothy.

I am the luckiest
man in the world.

No, no, have mercy great one.

Please, I don't want to die.

They were too fast for us.

Have mercy, I beg of you!

Where is my Darling, Dorothy?

Oh, there she is.

Oh, come my sweet
little dumpling.

Now, let's watch Dorothy
play the soccer, huh?

Oh, come, my little Dove.


No, don't!

Come, come, my sweet
little pumpkin pie.


[sound of heads rolling]

I see they lost them.

I seldom tolerate failure.

Well, failure can
be quite embarrassing.

I stole the eyes, you
had them stolen from me,

Mr. Rabaz stole them from
you, Ernest and the girl

stole the eyes from Mr. Rabaz,
and now you have nothing.

Perhaps you should
dance with Dorothy.

I, uh, believe your
price has doubled.

When I get unwanted
help, I get expensive.

Very well, Mr.
Thompson, no help.

But I warn you, failure will
result in dire consequences.

I won't fail.

This has become personal.

Now where are they?

They were last seen heading
north toward the border.

The forbidden border.

Very well.



Well, looks like
we hoof it from here.

Well, these should be a
little bit more comfortable

than those gold lame heels.

Thanks, so fashionable.



There's something I'm
just dying to tell you.


It's about your eyes.


These things are
driving me crazy.



I've been thrust into
eternal darkness!

Which way is America?


But I don't think I can make it,
Ernest, these boots are awful.

Well, you know
what they say, Rene,

the journey of 1,000 miles
begins with but a single step.

Believe me, Ernest,
I walked 1,000

miles across that restaurant,
but I had practical shoes on.

Well, survival training
dictates that we always

keep our boats pulled up tight.

Ah, it doesn't matter anyway.

We're gonna be dead before
we reach those hills.


Maybe not dead, but bleeding
profusely from poisonous thorns

and maybe convulsing
with malaria fever.

That makes me feel better.


It's always good to
keep you morale up.


They were here,
but now they're gone.

Well, they never cross
the escarpment alive.

We'll have to catch them
before the hyenas swallow

the eyes of Egoli
whilst it's chewing

on their decaying bodies.


What are you laughing at?

You should be visiting Dorothy.

Let's go.

What are you doing?

I'm communing with nature.

Communing with nature?

Ernest, let's get going.

When one is with nature,
one is at one with nature.

Are you trying to
be philosophical?

The masses have
always had to rise

up against the opposition--

RENE: I'm leaving, Ernest!

OK, gosh.

There are no punishments
or rewards in nature, Rene.

Just consequences.

Yeah, I know, consequences.

Well, hey, I was just trying
to make the best of things.

Shoe's untied.

- What?
- Gotcha.


[laughs] Sorry.

How much further is it?

RENE: I have no idea, Ernest.

Africa is a big continent.

ERNEST: I just don't see
how we're going to make it.

RENE: Through sheer
will and determination.

ERNEST: But I'm hot.

RENE: Yes, Ernest, I'm hot too.

But I've decided to be
optimistic about this

and take a positive attitude.

For example, you and I are
getting to know each other very

well, my calves are
firming up nicely,

and I've discovered that
once you understand wildlife,

there's nothing to be afraid of.

ERNEST: What's that big
crawly thing on your back?

RENE: Huh?

Oh, that's a big
ugly bug, get it off!

ERNEST: I don't
want to touch it--

RENE: Get it off!

[rene screaming]


Don't-- I don't
want to touch it.

No, no, don't get it--
it'll jump off on me.


Ernest, you know,
if we don't make it,

I just want you to
know how much I--

well, how proud I am of you.

I mean, that was really brave,
you sneaking into that harem.

Oh, it was nothing, really.

It was just a big room
full of half dressed women.

I know I've been somewhat
of a snob in the past,

you know, wanting things
that could never be better.

But these last few days
have really made me think.

She's coming around.

I mean, you gotta admire those
pioneer women on the Oregon

Trail for stamina alone.

Oh, I'll tell you
Ernest, when I get back--

if I get back, things
are going to change.

I mean, this experience
has really opened my eyes.

Opened up your eyes to
the old Worrel charm, baby.

Oh, Ernest.

Yes, baby?

We can't do this.

Yes, we can.

No, it's the end.


Look, it's over.

Over there!

We can't get across that river.

Oh, gosh, not another river.

I'm tired, I'm thirsty,
my feet are killing me,

we've got more of these
prickly things to deal with--

Oh, Ernest, quit your whining.

I'm trying to assess
with the situation, here.

My underwear is sticking, my
legs itch right here from gosh

knows what, I've got a big
mosquito bite right on my--



Yes, that's it!

What's it?


Yeah, they itch right here.

No, no, my legs.


You scratch your own legs?

I just gotta
take off my pants.

Ugh, have you no shame, woman?

After all, this is not a
seventh grade gym class.

Well, this is what happens
when a 90s woman falls for you.

Maybe I'm just an old
fashioned kind of guy,

but I guess you're just a
victim of the old Worrel charm.

Here, blow these up.

Blow them up?

Yeah, blow up my pants.

You mean, put air in them?

Well, it's not like
you're in short supply.


Oh, yeah, this is going to work.

[music playing]

OK, it's your turn now.

Oh, not again.

I'm tired.

Oh, please, Ernest.

Finish blowing this thing up.

Look, our only way out of here
is to use my pants as a float

and ride us down the river.

Ride down the river?

The river, Rene, is full of
African blood-sucking vampire


The kind of fish,
Rene, that can reduce

an entire herd of
buffalo to skeletons

in a matter of moments, Rene.


Vampire fish, Ernest,
are not African.

They are Australian, Ernest.

I saw it on cable.

Now, finish blowing
this thing up.

OK, give it here.



That clump of trees is the
only place they could be.

Come on, Renee.

Walking down this river is
not going to get us anywhere

but further down this river.

We've got to find
a way to get across.

Well, maybe we should get
somebody to carry us across,

like a ferry.

I think we have.

But they don't
look like fairies.

Uh oh.


Not to worry, Rene.

I know this tribe.

They're friendly.


How y'all doing?

Ernest, [squeaks]

RENE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I see what you mean.

Real friendly fairies.

ERNEST: Well, at least we didn't
have to walk, Ms. Ungrateful.

[africans chanting]

RENE: See, all I'm
saying is, if you

didn't stamp so hard with your
feet, it might be a comfy ride.

Oh, [inaudible].

ERNEST: Gosh, I wish this song
had some different lyrics.

[non-english speech]

What's he saying?

[non-english speech]


[non-english speech]

See, I told you.

Would you look at this?

One never uses oregano
in a soup with basil.

No wonder they call
them the lost tribe.


Ernest, what are they doing?

They're giving us a massage.

You know, I think
they're tenderizing.

Watch it, fella, these
are pre-washed jeans.



You know hard it is to get spear
holes out of pre-washed jeans?

Ernest, they're gonna eat us.

Yeah, well, wait till they
get a load of that poison ivy.

[non-english speech]

Oh, I think he wants
you to empty your pockets.

Yeah, I wouldn't want him to
break a cap on anything hard.

Goodbye little, yo-yo.





Oh, you like that, huh?


Well, what do you
think about this?


Hit it, Wally.

[renee imitates band]

Hey, you people having
a good time out there?

Well, let's give it up, come on!

Where are you folks from?

CROWD: Yeah!

Yeah, that's my kinda town.

I bet you're enjoying
this show, aren't ya?

Yeah, and we're having
a ball doing it for you.

Hey, Wally, don't I always
say that the Sinkatutu

are the very best crowd we
have on this whole circuit?

Come on, folks, let's give it
up for Wally and the Cruisers!

Let's give it up for the band.

Take a little bow, Wally.

And remember, folks, your
waiter works on tips.

So good night, and drive safely.

Wally, take them on out.

There's no way they
could've made it across.

They had to go through
the Katanga Pass.

This is Sinkatutu land.

They're dead anyway.

Let's go back.

You, pathetic
sniveling cowards.

I'm not a coward.

Sinkatutu land is forbidden.

Those that have entered this
land have never come back.

I should have
dumped you both when

you lost them the first time.

Now, get out of my sight.

Well, Rene, you can't say I
don't treat you like a Queen.

The [inaudible]
magic is great.

Any wish you desire
is our command.

How about a one-way
ticket to Cleveland?


WOMEN: Ah, Cleveland!


Um, say, chief, aren't
you also a high priest

or something like that?

Yeah, boo, high priest.

So, uh, how about
you, uh, marrying me

and me and the little lady here.

Ernest, you haven't exactly
talked to me about this.

Look, just play along.

This is part of my
master escape plan.

What, master escape plan?

We don't need a
master escape plan.

We're in charge here.

[non-english speech]

I just don't see why we
have to have a marriage.

Just play along, it's safer.


Excuse me, I-- I haven't
agreed to anything!

Ladies I bet the men in your
tribe don't make it this way.

The nerve of that man

So, uh, we're going to
have like a bachelor party?

Sit around, belch out
loud, talk about guy stuff?


Fertility rights.

Oh, no, uh, I already had
that operation a long time ago

when I was real little.

- Think of it as a booster.
- A booster.


[non-english speech]

Boy, am I ever
glad to see you.

[non-english speech]

[non-english speech]

This man is a thief
of the Sinkatutu.

[non-english speech]

There are two men who
stole the eyes of the Egoli.

The one man, he flew
away in the white bird.

And the other one, you caught.

Oh, ho.

This man flies the white bird.

Wait a minute, I
didn't steal the eyes

of Egoli or anything else.

[non-english speech] I
call for the battle of truth.

[non-english speech]

Battle of truth?

On second thought, maybe I'd
just rather have the booster.

[crowd cheering]

RENE: Oh, yay!

Yay, Ernest Go, Ernest!


Not bad.



Ernest, will you
hurry up, please.

Anything worth doing,
Rene, is worth doing right.

Well, at least I
have time on my side.


Ernest, get me outta here!

[non-english speech]


Don't worry, Rene, I have
everything under control.

It has begun, the
battle of truth.

Beat the clock.

No, you, idiot!

Hammer on him, not the clock!

I was just following
instructions, Rene.

She's never satisfied.


Ernest, watch out!

[non-english speech]

Missed me, missed me,
la la la la la la la.

Ernest, look out, he's
got one of those axe things!


Missed me, again.

Give me the eyes of Egoli,
or I'll cut you in half.

Nice shot, dip wad!

RENE: Ernest.


Where are you?

You wanna hold Teddy?

[crowd cheering]

[renee screaming]


Ernest, Ernest, watch out!

Pay attention!



Oh, oh, oh.

RENE: Keep going.

Keep going!


[laughs] You're stuck.

Now you die, Agent 32.

RENE: Oh, no!

Oh, Ernest.

Ernest, get me out of here!

Turn around.

Come on, man!

Don't give up!

That's it!

You've cost me a fortune.

Now, give me what is mine!

I don't have anything
that belongs to you.

Ernest, your yo-yo!

At-ta boy!

Give it to him!



And now for the
famous around the world.

RENE: Ah, yes!

Ha ha!

[non-english speech]

[crowd cheering]

I guess that was worth
the price of admission.



Don't stand there.


All right, Chief.

Time out!

ERNEST: Ow, get off me!


You, get off!


[crowd cheering]

Ernest P. Worrel, what
on earth are you doing?

I am dying up here.

You walk around
like Mr. Big Shot

while I'm up here
with my rump roasting.

You know, the least you could
do is just give me a little help

and save me.

Any attempt would
be much appreciated,

instead of some macho show of
manhood at a sporting event!



Three more notches and I
gotta real skin problem here,

and it's all your fault!

You know what?


It's my fault. I'm
just a-- a little hot.

I get kind of
moody when I'm hot.

Ernest, let's talk about this--


Ernest, you're a doll.

You are the sweetest
thing that ever lived.

You are truly my knight
in shining armor.

Rene, Rene, Rene.

You were never in
any real danger.

After all, I am
Ernest P. Worrel.

[laughs] Ow!


[non-english chanting]

You gotta do it.

OK, Betty.

Oh, hi, Rene.


- Are you ready for our date?
- Um--

Oh, look!

I-- I brought us a souvenir
from our adventure.

It's an ostrich egg.

I painted it and everything.

Oh, Ernest, this
is so sweet of you.

Thank you.

Ernest, we have to talk.

Yeah, well, we have
plenty of time on the date.

No, Ernest, I have
to tell you something.


Ernest, I can't
go out with you.

All my life I thought what
I wanted was Illinois Smith,

but these last few
days have taught

me such an important lesson.

Ernest, you are just too
wild and adventurous for me.

And that's why I've
decided I needed

someone like Todd Lafsky.

He's the bookkeeper at
Wilson's Army Navy store.

You know, he's a local boy.

He's got his feet on the ground.

He's just an ordinary schmo.

But I thought you said I
was just an ordinary schmo.

Ernest P. Worrel,
don't you ever let anyone

call you an ordinary schmo.

Because you are a dynamic schmo.

Well, I--

I sensed there
might be a problem.

Maybe, I was a
little too worldly

for you, a little too
continental, a little too wild,


Good bye, Ernest.

Good bye, Rene.

Yeah, guys like me, we have to
try to travel the lonely road.

A rebel, a lone wolf, leaving
a trail of broken hearts

behind me.

Yeah, Rene.

It's time for the
rogue of the open road

to set off again on his
quest for high adventure.

Another place, babe.

Another time.

[egg cracking]

Oh ho ho.



[music playing]