Eric Andre: Legalize Everything (2020) - full transcript

I stole this from the evidence room, man.

Legalize it.

He got weed!

You a damn fool.

What...

Really?

You police?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Mushrooms.

- Ma'am, I'm high as a Georgia pine.
- Ah...

- Hey, you guys want coke?
- What the fuck?



I stole these pills and these shrooms

- from the evidence room.
- You stole 'em and you took 'em?

This stuff will knock you
into next Tuesday.

You gotta get high with me.

- You in trouble right now.
- Yeah. Right?

You gotta find the glory holes
around this city. You know what I mean?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, no.

Is that really marijuana?

Yeah.

- Can I have a hit?
- No, no, no!

Yeah!

Legalize everything!

Give it up

for Eric Andre!



Yes! Come on!

Let's go, New Orleans!

What the fuck!

New Orleans,

what the fuck is going on!

Yes!

Holy shit!

Where my weed smokers at?

Make some noise.

'Cause I'm a narc. Book 'em!

You're under arrest, El Chapo!

You guys ever have one of these days?
You ever, like, smoke a big-ass joint,

and just blow it right into a baby's face?

Hell yeah!

We got to make these kids cool.

Right, daddy-o?

Grab the Jack Kerouac books

and dribble a little CBD oil
in that baby's eyes!

Or did you ever do this growing up?
Did you ever, um, sprinkle cocaine

on your little brother's toothbrush,

like, right before kindergarten class?

He was like...

He was on the playground
with, like, a Bluetooth in his ear,

and he was handcuffed to an attache case.

And he was just walking back and forth
on the playground like,

"Buy! Sell! Trade!

Buy! Sell! Trade!

Buy! Sell! Trade!

Don't look at it! Eat it!"

I like acid.

That's my favorite drug, LSD.

Parkour down here, my man!

Parkour from that side to that side,
John Wilkes Booth!

Yeah!

Prove your loyalty to this crowd.

I'm like you guys.
I like acid. I like LSD. Right?

But every time I drop acid,

I jerk off to anime, right?

I'm like, "Oh, yeah. Sailor Moon's looking
real good this year, man."

I got a belt around my neck.

I'm like, "I don't care
if this is a Ross Dress For Less!

 Squatters' rights!"

Know your rights, squatters.

I wanna make--

You ever go to a football game
and you see the guys with beer helmets?

I want to make, like, a cocaine helmet

with two big bags of blow
on each side of it.

And I want a couple of straws
coming out of each bag,

and I want to cram 'em up
each of my nostrils,

and get high as shit,

and go to an actual football game

and root for the referee the entire time.

Just be like, "Yeah! You're making
some honest-ass calls, bro!

Whoo! What's your email, man?

Let's start a Hotmail account together!

Dude, if we started a band,

by this time next year,

we could be headlining the Fyre Festival!"

I've done the worst cocaine
in my entire life in New Orleans.

What is going on?

Shame on the coke dealers of New Orleans!

Pablo Escobar's rolling in his grave.

I swear to God,
I bought an 8-ball off this guy,

I think I gave him a hundred bucks.

I think he just walked
around the side of the building,

and scratched drywall into a Ziploc bag.

I was like...

I have good news.
I finally smoked weed with my mom.

Did it.

Took me 36 years of campaigning.

Finally did it.

Now, keep in mind,

my mom is a 700-year-old Jew, okay?

It wasn't easy.

No, she came to my house.

We were in Los Angeles.

And I'm driving around with my mom,
and I go, "Mom, smoke pot with me."

And she goes, "No. It's illegal."

And I go, "No, it's not. It's legal now."
And she goes, "Oh, okay."

I swear to God, it was that easy.

So we went to my house,
I'm trying to smoke a bowl with her,

and she can't inhale.

She looks Dizzy Gillespie the whole time.

She's like...

So I give her a little weed cookie,
and then we start playing Scrabble,

and then 20 or 30 minutes later
her eyes got all red.

And she looked up at me and she goes,

"My mouth is dry.

Is that part of the appeal?"

And then she snapped.
She was like, "Bring it in.

Bill Cosby didn't do it.

I did it."

And I haven't seen her since.

By the way, Bill Cosby
is guest bartending tonight,

if you guys want

some really strong drinks. Whoo!

You guys wanna know
what my original opener

for my Netflix special was?

- Yeah!
- I was actu-- I was gonna walk out,

walk to the front of the stage,

jerk off into the audience and go,

"Free Louis CK!

RIP, Louis!

My man Louis' locked up!"

Is there medicinal marijuana out here?

- No.
- No. Who's the governor?

Bobby Jindal?

- No!
- Who?

Malcolm-Jamal Warner from The Cosby Show?

L. Ron Hubbard?

Okay.

I'm excited.
I just got my medical crystal meth card.

Whoo!

Whoo!

The doctor was like,
"You don't have enough scabs on your face

my boy.

Let me write you a prescription."

I guess my doctor's Foghorn Leghorn.

I don't know what that voice is.
It's the only impression I can do.

"What in the--
I say, what in the..."

Most of my set is just...

Uh... What's the most high
you've ever been

in public you think, my man?

Hmm?

Well, what do you think, my man? Oh, shit.

Hold on, my man.

What's the most high

you've ever been in public, my man?

What's the most high
you've ever been in public?

Just talk to me, my man.

Jesus Christ.

Guy came out of nowhere.

I think the most high I've ever been
in public, is a tie for first place.

Okay, there's the, uh,
the first time I did...

MDMA... molly.

And, uh, the other time

was when I went and saw
the Tupac hologram at Coachella.

So the first time I did molly,
uh, it was like ten years ago.

I went to this comedy festival,
and I bought a bunch

of those little molly pills,

and I went to see a comedy show.
And I was with my buddy Carl.

I gave him a pill. I took a pill,

and we felt like a million dollars, right?

Serotonin machine gun
going off in my brain.

And I felt so good,
that I turned to my friend, and I go,

"Dude, if we eat, like,
four or five more of these little guys,

we'll feel four or five times as good,
my man."

That's basic math, bro-bruh!

So we fucking wolf down a bunch more.

What a fucking mistake,

because then my eyeballs
started working independently,

like a chameleon.

Like...

Like David Attenborough from Planet Earth
started narrating my thoughts.

Like, "This asshole has taken more drugs
than he can handle,

and now his heart
will do a Slipknot drum solo."

My eyes were doing, like,
Diplo air horn sounds,

just...

So I fucking panic.

I ran outside, my heart's beating
out of my chest, right?

And I'm like, "I'm gonna have to go
to the fucking hospital."

I'm having a meltdown.

And I go, "No. I got it.
I'll make myself throw up."

Or, uh... We call it,
"pulling the trigger",

you know what I mean?

Uh, or at least that's what we called it
in ballet class.

I don't know what you call it, but...

So I run outside...

and I'm fucking slamming
my finger in the back of my throat.

The problem was, I had so much MDMA

coursing through my veins,

it wasn't making me throw up.

It just felt like I was hitting
a hidden G-spot...

in the back of my throat,

and my uvula was like a giant clitoris.

So I was just like...

Oh, boink-boink!

And I've never cummed harder

in my entire life!

First and only time

I have ever achieved orgasm.

Thank you.

Okay, and then the Tupac hologram.
All right, so, check this out.

So I go to Coachella. It's weekend two.

I'm fucking hyped to see
this goddamn Tupac hologram.

And it's so whack, but I'm, like,
caught up-- I'm, like, "Oh, yeah!

I can't wait to see this

Grand-Theft-Auto-4-era CGI Tupac."

So I was drinking all day.

We're out in a big field,
it's late at night.

Thousands of people.

We're all watching Snoop Doog
and Dr. Dre on stage, right?

And my friend Brian

hands me, like, a big-ass Xanax bar.

Right? Like a big...

fucking, like,
a George Clinton horse pill, right?

But Xanax is not a good party drug.

It makes you black in and out
of consciousness.

You lose your memory.

But I wasn't thinking. So I wolf it down,

and I tell my friend Brian, I was like,
"Okay, hold up. I'm gonna make a pee-pee."

I go to the porta potties.

I come back.

My brain must have hit a Xanax black hole,

because my friend Brian was like,

"Dude, where the fuck have you been?"

And I go, "What are you talking about?"

He's like, "Bro, you've been gone
for like 45 minutes.

The Tupac hologram

came and fucking went.

You missed the entire fucking thing."

And I've never been more mad and high

at the same time,

and I just turned around,
and I started ripping grass

out of the ground, going...

"No!

Why?!"

And it was during
the most mellow Snoop Dogg song...

of his entire set. So I was--

So Snoop Dogg's on stage, like,

♪ S-N-O-O-P... ♪

♪ Snoop-a-loop, Snoop-poop,
Poop-a-scoop, Doo-ba-doo-ba-dee-doo ♪

And one by one,

a sea of 1,000 people
just look back at me going,

"Bury me alive!

I don't deserve to live!"

Then I just overhear this dude
rolling a blunt behind me,

look back and go,

"Well, I guess everybody
enjoys Snoop Dogg differently."

Is it just me or is a thug rolling a blunt
the most homoerotic sight

you've ever seen in your entire life?

Especially if they're a little homophobic.

They're like, "Get that gay shit
away from me, cuz!

Anyway, where was I?

No homo."

They do this move.

"Hey, you wanna hit this Swisher?"

Bukkake!

We have arrived
at the bukkake part of the set.

I don't like bukkake, man. Shit's gross.

Take it easy, Tokyo.

Jesus Christ, what's going on over there?
You know what bukkake is, right?

Some of you are confused.
Some of you are horny.

Listen...

if you don't know, bukkake...

Well, when one woman and...

ten bros love each other very much,

very much...

It's gross, man.
I can't watch that shit, dude.

It's fucking demoralizing.

I'm a feminist, okay?

I watch reverse-role bukkake,

where six to ten women

squirt on a Japanese businessman's face!

I'm sorry.

I'm the most progressive motherfucker
on Pornhub.

Capiche?

I sit down on the toilet when I pee

to get in touch with my feminine side,

and I take a shit in the urinal

to get in touch with my masculine side.

Come on, New Orleans!

I don't like it
when people say "no homo" either.

I think that's homophobic.

I think if you say something
that can be misconstrued as gay,

instead of being like,
"Ew, no homo. I'm not gay,"

lean into it,
and suck a fucking dick already.

Am I right?

It's 2007 or whatever.

A hole's a hole, man.

We all feel like hot spaghetti
in the dark.

We've all been to prison
or summer camp, right?

You can't get a dude's butthole pregnant.

No condoms tonight!

One time, I was drunk at this concert,

and I, uh...
was washing my hands in the bathroom,

and this dude came up to me,

and he goes, "Oh, shit, man.
I'm a huge fan, bro."

I was like, "Thank you, man." And he goes,
"No, for real. I fucks with your show."

I was like, "Thank you, man." And he goes,
"You mind if I get a picture real quick?"

I was like, "Yeah, no problem."

Took a selfie with the guy.

And then, I swear to God,
as he was walking away,

I heard him go, "Yo...  Pshh...

Key and Peele!

Yo, that's Key and Peele right there, dog!

Just took a selfie with him, dog."

So not only did that guy

think I was Key and Peele...

he thinks Key and Peele is one person.

First name "Keyand"...

last name "Peele".

This other dude came up to me,
I was in Brooklyn.

It was like two in the afternoon.

Dude came up to me on the sidewalk.
And he was like, "Hey, I'm a big fan.

I went and saw your live show."

Sometimes I'll do The Eric Andre Show live

and me and Hannibal
will interview people on stage.

And then I'll just jump in the audience
and spray ranch everywhere

and beat people up.

It's basically Gallagher meets GG Allin
for 45 minutes.

So I...

So this kid came
to one of the first tours.

Came up to me,
two in the afternoon in Brooklyn.

He goes, "Hey. I'm a big fan.

I've been to your live show.

I don't know how to tell you this, but...

your penis has been in my mouth."

I was like, "What?!"

I was like, "Excuse me?"

But what had happened was...

So Hannibal's on stage, and he goes,
"Ladies and gentlemen,

The Eric Andre Show."

I come out from the back.

Keep in mind, it's the season one tour.

So there's only, like,
nine dudes in the audience.

So I come out from the back, butt naked.

I didn't know what was legal--
or, illegal at the time.

Came out from the back, butt naked.
I jumped off the front of the stage.

Like, "Yeah!"

And this dude was front fucking row,

like, "No!

Ah!"

Then he said for a millisecond,
my entire flaccid dick was just like...

It just, like,
flicked the back of his tonsils.

And I just turned and looked at him,
I was like,

"Thanks for coming to the show, man!"

And then we snorted
a line of drywall together.

But I think the war on drugs
is bullshit, man.

I think it's a complete waste
of taxpayers' money.

Yeah.

It's done absolutely zero
to curb drug addiction.

It just allows cops to lock up black kids
five times as much as they do white kids.

It's racist, Nixon-era bullshit.

Abolish the DEA.

Legalize all drugs in this country!

Except for Salvia.

That shit sucks!

Salvia,

if you don't know,
it's this super hallucinogenic

that makes you guaranteed bad trip.

You go to fucking Planet Zebulon and back.

And, at best, you feel like you're trapped

inside of a losing game of Tetris.
You're just like,

"Ah! Here comes the purple rectangle!"

But before we make Salvia illegal,
this is what I want to do.

I want to-- You know how Jerry Seinfeld
does that show,

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee?

I wanna pitch to Netflix
Comedians in Ubers Smoking Salvia.

So hear me out.
I'll be in the Uber, right?

And the Uber driver is not in on it.

It's all hidden camera.

And it's just me and Ellen DeGeneres
in the back,

blowing clouds of Salvia smoke

in the Uber driver's fucking face.

He's like, "Hey, are you the guy
from 2 Broke Girls?"

Five stars.

I think the best feeling in the world
is when you get... pulled over by a cop,

and you have absolutely nothing...

illegal on you, right?

Don't you feel like
the cockiest son of a bitch

in that moment?

You got no... weed.

You got, you know...

Your tags... aren't expired.

You're not...

human trafficking,
or whatever this row is into.

I got a lineup of school shooters
in row one.

You gotta see 'em. Right, man?

I mean, it's fucking--
I got school shooter energy over here.

They all got the same look,
smudgy glasses.

Your name's probably Dylan,

I'm assuming.

I know my people. I know my demo.

"Wait till 8chan
hears about this show.

Women deny me their pleasures.

I can make an AK-47
in five minutes on a 3-D printer.

Eric Andre speaks to the demons
in my mind!

I'm on the dark web.
I'm in the subreddits. I get it.

I'll read your manifesto later.

Do you remember the show Cops?
Did you guys ever watch the show Cops?

Is it just me or is reggae
the most inappropriate music

they could have picked...

to open up the show Cops?

You can't slap reggae

over police brutality footage,

and call it a day. You can't--

That's not an intro for a--

The intro to Cops was like,

"You're under arrest,
you unarmed, innocent black teenager!

Boom!"

♪ Jamaica man come downtown ♪

♪ Rasta boy right ♪

♪ Welcome to the island
Of peace and purity ♪

"Kiss my boots,

you disenfranchised,
transgender prostitute! Bam!"

♪ Jamaica is a tropical island ♪

♪ Our national currency ♪

♪ Is the delicious coconut! ♪

"This is a system
invented by rich, white,

Christian, heterosexual businessmen.

And if you don't match that description,

then it is my job
to subjugate

and oppress you, motherfucker!

For I am your judge, jury,

and executioner!

♪ Under the sea
Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪

♪ Under the sea ♪

I popped a blood vessel in my asshole
during that joke. Thank you.

Oh, fuck.

I'm sweating like Jeff Epstein's
final moments up here.

Oh, fuck.

Jeff Epstein
didn't kill himself, man.

Seven-eleven was an inside job, bro.

Tyler Perry directed
the moon landing, man.

I think sex work
should be legal, too, man.

I think-- Yeah, thank you.

It's a noble profession.

Sex work! I said "sex work"!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

It's a noble profession. Uh...

I indulged one time.

I went to Amsterdam
with my friend, Michelle,

and she-- I'd never been there before.

She took me around the red-light district,

and it's totally legal, man.

And the sex workers dance
pretty much naked in the windows,

and I thought I would have the maturity

to handle an event like that,

but I was walking around
the red-light district

like I was Beavis and Butt-head.
I was just like...

And then my friend Michelle turned to me
and she slapped 50 euros

in my hand and goes,

"Yo, bro, it's your first time
in Amsterdam, dog.

You gotta fuck
one of these chicks tonight. Boom!"

She slapped 50 in my hand,
and I went from Beavis and Butt-head

to the most nervous, nebbishy,

neurotic Sol Rosenberg Jew.
I was just going up to these women like,

"Uh... Excuse me, miss. Uh...

How much money is it to, uh...

penetrate your vulva?

Gulp."

So I... found a little sweetie pie.

And she took me upstairs
to her crust punk bed,

and we started making the sex.

I'm talking penis-in-vagina-type shit,
dude.

Straight missionary position, cuz.

Regular-sized codom on, bro.

Then, you know, it was pretty normal, man.

I came. She farted, and, uh...

And then I went downstairs,

and right when I walked outside,

I saw an ATM,
and I started biting my knuckle.

I was like,
"Oh, for 50 more bucks, man,

I could go for a round two.

Oh, fuck, man. I'm a sex addict, man.

I gotta... I gotta get out of here, man.

Get that ATM away from me, man!"

And I rushed out of there.

And then, of course, lo and behold,

half an hour later,

I was back in the red-light district,

fucking the shit out of that ATM.

Coins are spilling out and shit.

So after I, uh... went to Amsterdam,

I flew over to Cuba,

and when I was in Cuba--

Yes...

Dame más gasolina. Or whatever.

Uh...

So I went to Cuba, and I, um,
bought this souvenir in a gift shop.

And the only reason I bought this souvenir

is because it is the worst
English translation

I have ever come across

in my entire life.

First question is,

what in the fuck is this thing?

Just off the bat.

Second of all, I bought it because

it reads-- You tell me
if this makes sense to you.

"If you enter to our kitchen,

and the she finds it dirty,

it is because the one
that not scrubs this,

and the one that this
it is not the one that scrubs,

and as you he won't scrub,

don't criticize as this."

"Don't criticize as this."

Okay?

It works in every language.

Hello? It's universal.

This was actually--
This was Sammy Sosa's acceptance speech

at the MLB Hall of Fame.

Yeah. Yeah.

I like to think that this
is the first draft

of the TLC song "Scrubs"/.

T-Boz wrote it while she had a migraine
and she couldn't get the rhythm right.

♪ I don't want no scrubs ♪

♪ It is because the one
That not scrubs this ♪

♪ And the one that this
It is not the one that scrubs ♪

"Damn it! I don't got it yet!

Fuck!"

Next time I have an audition
for a television show or a movie,

and the casting director's like,
"Yeah, feel free to bring in a scene

from your favorite play,

or a... or a mono-- a soliloquy...

or a monologue from your favorite film,

I wanna bring this
into the audition with me,

and go, "Yeah, I'm gonna be
performing this today.

Uh... That's my--
That's my headshot right at the top."

And then just deliver
the dialogue off of this,

as if it's the dramatic performance
of a lifetime.

Just be like...
"If you enter to our kitchen,

and the she finds it dirty,

it is because the one that not scrubs this

and the one that this
it is not the one that scrubs,

and as you he won't scrub,

don't criticize as this!"

And she'll be like, "Great. You booked it.
You're a dead body on Law & Order."

I'm like, "Yes!

Nailed that shit, dawg.

Oh...

Here. Thank you."

Dude, Papa John's got fired
from Papa John's!

Okay, so Papa fucking John's
was dropping the N-bomb at work

like it's 19-diggety-six.

Like he's Ty Cobb in the dugout.

Okay, so this is what happened.
So he was, like, bitching and moaning

about the NFL players kneeling.

And then they gave him, like,
racial sensitivity...

racial sensitivity training at his work.

And during racial sensitivity training,

he started saying the N-word like crazy.

They're like, "Dude!

This is supposed to have
the opposite effect, Papa!"

And his real defense,
I swear to God, he goes,

"Oh, whatever.
Colonel Sanders used to say the N-word

all the time."

Colonel Sanders used to say the N-word
all the time?

First of all, Colonel Sanders
is practically fictional, okay?

That is the weakest defense. That's like,
"Whatever, bro.

Ronald McDonald threw an egg
at a synagogue one time.

Oh!"

Leave the colonel alone.
Oh, I found this out.

It's rumored that KFC,
Kentucky Fried Chicken,

has these factory farms

where they raise
these genetically modified chickens

with abnormally large chicken breast meat

two to three times the size
of a natural chicken.

And these chickens spend their entire life

bogged down
by their own chicken breast meat,

and they just waddle around
in their own filth

their entire existence.

And I was like you guys/
when I heard that information.

I was like, "Yo.

We gotta go down to these factory farms,

and titty-fuck these chickens, dog!

Yo!

These chickens sound hot as fuck, dude!

Are you kidding me?
It's like spring break, Kentucky, baby!

Motorboat!

Wet chicken contest!"

Fuck.

What I think we should abolish
is the federal government.

Both parties are corrupt.
They're not serving us.

We should start a new country!

I should run for president!

So fucking old and boring,
the Constitution is.

We should throw that out right away.

It condones slavery and prisons.
Are you fucking kidding me?

Get rid of the Constitution.
Know how old it is?

You know what the third amendment is?
The third amendment is:

If a soldier
wants to take over your house,

the third amendment protects you
from a soldier commandeering your house.

Because it was written in 17-dickety-six,

when there were muskets,
you know what I mean?

When are you ever gonna have to flex
the third amendment in your real life?

Like, some drunk admiral's on your lawn...

Like... "Oh, come on, bro.

Let me crash on the futon tonight,

my man!"

You're like, "Uh-uh, Admiral.
I plead the third, motherfucker!"

And he's like, "Come on, man.
My battery's on five percent,

and my Uber just canceled, man.

Let me at least hold the string cheese
out the fridge."

You're like,
"Take it up with Thomas Jefferson, bitch!"

Bow!

Enough with this
libtarded political bullshit.

Who eats ass out there?

Not me. Lick a toilet, sicko.

That's where poop comes from. Yuck!

I tried it once, all right.
It tasted like a pretzel, all right?

It tasted like--
You ever had Combos at the gas station?

It tasted like, and looked like,

a pizza-flavored Combo.

Yeah.

And I did-- I did it
after she took a shit at the gym.

So don't harass me.

I got my brown wings,

sir, okay?

I licked the chocolate balloon knot,
all right?

I can't put my dick
in that thing either, man.

I can't put my dick in that asshole,
'cause it's like a dirty crab knuckle,

just suffocating the life out of my dick.

And the puss
is-a right around the corner.

What's a-better--
What's a-even better than the puss? Eh?

What is-a even better than the puss?

What's the matter, guys?
The puss is a-no good? Huh?

You don't like-a the puss?

You gotta force your dick
into that fucking violent,

fucking brown circle.

Fuck.

I mean, gay men don't have
much of a choice.

You could try sticking it in that
little pee-pee hole,

but that probably hurts a lot.

Trust me.

I got my asshole licked one time.

Okay?

And I'm gonna be honest with you,

it felt a hell of a lot better
than I thought it was gonna feel.

I was like...

I actually quite enjoy--
It felt like somebody

was conducting an orchestra,

with a piping hot wet wipe in my asshole.

Okay,

so here's the story.
I was dating this freaky British girl.

She's giving me a blowjob.

And then she continued going down
between my buttcheeks,

and she started licking my asshole.

And I was like, "Babe,

that's not gonna feel good
at all--"

She started spinning me around like

a Harlem Globetrotter basketball.

And then she finally came up
for a breath of air,

and it looked like she had Nutella

just dripping off of her goatee.

You wanted it.

A little bit about myself, I am blewish.

I am black and Jewish.

Uh... Thank you.

My... My dad looks like Arthur Ashe,

and my mom looks like Howard Stern.

And that is why I look like Ernie
from Sesame Street.

My parents done fucked, bro.
My parents done--

My dad is from Haiti,

and my mom is from Manhattan.

Guess which one's the Jew?

And, uh...

My dad just found out
what Google is a few weeks ago.

Can I tell you how fucking old school
and fresh off the boat

my father is? He's like...

"Oh-oh,
now they have Google?

Whoo!

You can type one word in Google,
bloop-bloop,

one million words come up!"

I can't do my dad's voice. I'm sorry.

I sound like the fucking lion king.
I'm sorry.

But, man, uh...

yeah, my parents fucked, okay?

My parents...

My parents fucked. Everyone in here,

your parents fucked.

Your parents-- Everybody,

let's do a meditation.

Close your eyes and picture--
Imagine your parents,

your dad, balls deep,

and finishing in your mom.

'Cause that's what happened.
You can moan and groan all you want.

But you wouldn't be here,
you little shits,

if your dad didn't fucking...

ka-splooge...

explode his Spider-Man DNA web

into your long-suffering mom's vulva,
who wasn't bothering anybody.

She was just playing Sudoku,
she was eating cantaloupe.

Your fucking disgusting, horny dad
just came in...

You gotta admit it, right?

Fact of life.

Your dad had sex with your mom.

Your mom went down on your dad.

Your dad went down on your mom.

And then your dad put on

that leather gimp mask
and he lied under a glass coffee table.

Your mom took a big shit over it,
and then five months later,

you were born.

Okay?

I'm assuming he's a premie, I don't know.

He has premature energy.

I don't know.

Has anybody walked in
on their parents having sex?

Anybody walked in
on their parents having--

Show of hands
if you walked in on your parents

havin' the sex.

This guy. What happened?

Wait, hold on.
This guy's got a story to tell.

Can we give him a microphone?

Please. Let's give this guy a microphone.

He's got a story to tell.

He will not be silenced.

He is living his truth.

What happened, my man?

- Well, I was--
- Tell me the sexy little details.

I was standing in the doorway.
I was really young.

- They didn't see me.
- Wait.

How long ago?
Was this two weeks ago, or like...?

No, no. I was young.

I was like... five.

Why did you go in there?

I just woke up
in the middle of the night, like...

- I was going into--
- Were you for sure they were doing it?

- Yeah.
- Were you just, like, crying?

Mascara's just pouring down
your eyes or...?

I just stood there.
I was like... Uh...

- Did you ever bring it up to them?
- No. This is first time--

You just suppressed

- all this trauma.
- Yes.

You never processed it.

Well, I got good news for you.

Because your parents are actually here!

Please welcome Mr. And Mrs. Stevenson!

Come on out! His parents are here!

He's gonna process all his trauma!

Give it up for his parents, everybody!

They're here.

Yes!

They are finally gonna close the loop.

Yes! Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Holy shit!

Holy shit.

He hasn't watched this since he was five.

We gotta close the loop.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh...

It's this for, like, 45 minutes, guys.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Wow. All right.
All right, I think that's enough.

I think we've all... seen enough.

Thank you.

Thank you to your parents. God bless 'em.

I'm a cashew, actually.
I'm Catholic and Jewish.

But I'm neither.
I don't believe in any of that shit, man.

I love being a Jew.

I love-- I fucking--
I love being a Jew.

I'm proud of it.

Long lineage. Sigmund Freud.

Larry David. I love all that shit.

I just don't wear the hat
or read the book.

'Cause I don't know
if you ever cracked open the Torah,

but it's a little bit out of date.

It's like, "Don't eat shrimp.

It gave Joshua a stomachache."

You can cut the tip of my dick off,
but I can't go to Red Lobster?

And I don't know the story of Jesus.
It's always confused me.

I tried to chase it and figure it out.
It doesn't make any goddamn sense.

Okay, so Jesus was a carpenter, right?

So, he flipped houses
and renovated bathrooms and shit.

And he also did miracles,
which aren't a real thing.

So I guess he did magic tricks.

So this guy is like
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

meets Criss Angel, right?

He's like, "Do you want some water,
or...

Pinot Grigio?"

And a bunch of desert drifter illiterates
were just like...

"Whoa!"

I kicked off this tour in Europe,

and I went-- I did great drugs,

and we went
to these fucking crazy sex clubs.

And they're not fucking pent up
or weird about anything.

And I come back here,

and Americans
are so fucking buttoned-up, man.

You can't show a nipple on Instagram.

You can't smoke a joint in Texas.

And the reason we got like this,

is because we were founded
by the pilgrims.

And the pilgrims were the worst,

bummer, buzzkill narcs of Europe.

And they thought western Europe
was Sodom and Gomorra,

and that God

was gonna strike it down
with his laser beam eyeballs.

So, they all hopped on the Mayflower
in 1620,

and they moved to Plymouth, Massachusetts

to start a Calvinist theocracy.

And Calvin, John Calvin,
their spiritual forefather,

their fucking Yoda,

the founder of Calvinism,

was this uber-Christian, shriveled up,

dower, murderous French clergyman,
who would have his--

He was like the original incel,

this guy, okay?

And he would have his fucking critics
tortured and murdered.

He had his stepson and daughter-in-law

killed for premarital sex.

And he fucking-- He would drown
single pregnant women alive

if he found out that they were with child,
and they weren't married.

This guy is the guy that continues

to shape all of our morals

and all of our politics

from beyond the grave.

So I beg of you,

if you're ever in Plymouth, Massachusetts,

please,

fill up up your Diva Cups
with your pagan, Wiccan,

satanic period blood,

splash it all over Plymouth Rock.

Hop in an airplane.

Go to Geneva, Switzerland
where John Calvin's buried,

and have bottomless, unprotected anal sex

on that motherfucker's tombstone.

Cancel John Calvin.

It is your civic fucking duty!

Yes.

Thank you.

You know what I believe in?
Live, laugh, love.

I went back to Florida recently,
and I visited my parents.

And, uh... I text messaged
this girl, Jessie,

that I used to hook up with
back in the day,

right when I got to Florida.

I texted her, "Come over."

'Cause I'm a real romantic
Casanova motherfucker

that cuts straight to the chase.
"Come over!"

And, uh... she didn't respond

to that crass text.

So, my follow-up text
was 10,000 times worse. I go,

"Are you mad at me?"

It's the lamest, neediest--

"Come over!"
"Are you mad at me?"

And then, a few minutes later,

she very politely wrote back,

"No. Sorry. I'm in Colorado
with my boyfriend."

No big deal.
I didn't know she was in Colorado.

I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

Pretty benign conversation, right?

Or so I thought,

because then I got a text

from a number I do not know.

Okay, check this out.

So, this guy writes-- He goes,

"Hi!"

And I go, "Who is this?"

And they go,

"Are you a comedian?"

And I'm like, "Yes."

Another fan besides my mom.

And then they go,
"I'm Kevin, Jessie's boyfriend."

Ruh-roh!

And I swear I'm not making this up.

I'll fucking screen grab
and air drop every one of you.

I don't care how long it takes.

"I'm Kevin, Jessie's boyfriend.

I got a joke for ya.

This guy keeps bothering my girlfriend,

to the point where I get involved.

Wanna know the punchline?

Keep it up, you'll find out."

Gulp.

And the texts are coming through green,
so you know he's a suss motherfucker.

Looking at you, Android users.

So, I just write him back,

"Uh... What are you, dude?

A bad guy
from an 80's spring break movie?"

'Cause who in the fuck talks like that,
a South Park villain?

"See you on the K12, Jarsh."

So let me plug--
Wait. Do we got the dongle?

Is the dongle here? Okay.
All right, check this out.

All right, let's bring this out.
Can we bring out the screen?

So I go, "What are you, a bad guy
from an 80's spring break movie?"

And look at this guy's response.

Uh-oh.

Five paragraph essay.

"Eric, I'm normally a pretty civil guy."

"You asking my girlfriend

to come over, that's funny.

We can go back and forth,

but I'd rather not waste my time.

Leave Jessie alone.

Don't call her. Don't text her.

'Cause you're not her friend,

just a one hit wonder from her past.;

I'm willing to just forget everything,
including your name, number, et cetera.

Let's end this, dot, dot, dot,

now."

So, I just wrote back,

"Dot, dot, dot,

or else."

I was like, "Hey, man. Where you texting
me from, the Cobra Kai dojo?"

Fucking-A, this guy.

So, let me get-- "You're just
a one hit wonder from her past."

Doesn't make sense in that context.

"I'm sick of my girlfriend

fucking all these one hit wonders, man!

She fucked you!
She fucked Chumbawamba!

I've had enough!"

So anyway, five minutes later,
I texted the girl back,

"Come over."

I've been doing this ongoing prank
to my mom.

This text message prank to my mom.
I call it "auto-fill roulette".

You know, like-- You know when
you're sending a text

and the three little words come up?

If you press those words willy-nilly,

it makes this, like, crazy,
run-on Mad Libs sentence.

And if you text that shit to your mom,

it drives her fucking nuts!

So I was wondering-- It's not too late.

Is there anybody's mom
who's awake right now?

We can get a few moms going

uh, that we can do
this text message prank to.

Is that cool with you guys?

Okay,

hand your phone to Joe.
How are we gonna do this?

Come on up. We'll figure it out.

Yes. Okay. Yes. Perfect. Yes.

Oh, okay. Great. All right.

I won't say anything

that the phone doesn't say, okay?
I'm only gonna say shit--

Perfect!

"How long...

do you

have?"

That's my mom!

It's the phone. It's not me.

"Zero

stars for

a... good

night."

Fuck it.

"Probably my mom and...

her... sister...

and her... daughter...

in the... shower."

It's not me.

Take it up with Apple.

Take it up with Apple.

"Thank y'all for...

being such a...

bitch."

It's your phone.

You shouldn't write "bitch"

so much if you didn't want this to happen.

What do you think?
You think your mom's like,

"What the fuck is going on,"
or is she just watching Dateline-- Oh!

Oh, here we go!

"Are you okay?"

"No.

No, ma'am."

Oh!

Oh, shit.

Should I answer it?

What's up, Mom? Say hi to New Orleans.

Oh, no!

This is crazy.

- You woke me up.
- You're on my Netflix special.

Oh, you're kidding me.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.
I'm "Keyand" Peele.

I know who you are.

Oh, my God.

How did you get my number?

I stole--

I stole your son's phone
when they arrested him.

Oh, my gosh.

Just send me 20,000 in bitcoin
if you wanna see him alive.

You on the dark web?
You in the subreddits?

I'm in my pajamas.

- I can't do anything right now.
- Me too!

What's your address?

I'm in New York.

You seem chill.
What's your credit card number?

Oh, I'll get it out. Hold on one second.

Here.

Oh, that--

Oh, shit.

You got the Amex corporate?

I'm taking the private jet up there.
I'll be there in 30 minutes.

Is your husband right there?

He's downstairs. I told you--

Wake his ass up.

Oh, my God.

Grab your Diva cup.
We're going to Plymouth Rock.

How-- How is your mother?

My mom's great.

Yeah? What's she up to tonight?

I don't know about tonight, but I--
I, uh... I got her to smoke pot with me.

She's 73.

Really?

Yeah. She blazed the chronic.

Why don't you guys come over here?

You know what? I'll show you.
I think I have something you might like.

I got some edibles.

Oh!

This mom's trippy, bro!

This mom's sick.

I haven't opened them yet.

What's that?

I haven't opened them yet.

Eat the whole thing.

Do it!

Do it!

Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

You wanna say "Goodbye, America"?
You're in my Netflix special.

Say, "Good night, America."

Good night, America!

Good night, America!;

♪ Third Ward Bounce
Make them hoes count ♪

Quack.