Envisage (2012) - full transcript
Follow a normal day in the life of three abnormal people to see what it's like to walk in another person's shoes for a day. Shot entirely in subjective camera, the audience will experience a day in the life of these three characters by hearing their internal monologue, dialog, and by seeing what they see as they go about their daily business. Since the movie is all about perception, all three characters lives intertwine in a scene that each character perceives completely different, leaving the audience to decide for themselves what really happened on this normal day. Each characters lives twist and turn as the movie progresses into a fun, yet different, cinematic adventure.
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HEY, HEY, BUDDY.
DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE A LITTLE MONEY?
* OH, COME ON HOME
* HEAD ON HOME
* I HEARD THE NEWS
* YOU BETTER
COME ON HOME... *
- OH, HEY, THANKS, MAN.
- * YOU TOOK MY RECORDS...
- THANKS.
- * TO A YARD SALE
* VINTAGE VINYL
BURNIN' IN THE SUN... *
GUS, HOW ARE YOU?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABE.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
MOM, MOM.
LOOK WHAT WE GOT YOU.
* WHEN I'M WORKING
* YOU'RE PASSED OUT
* ON THE COUCH
WITH A BONG *
* I SAID COME ON HOME...
* YOU BETTER HEAD ON HOME
* I HEARD THE NEWS
* YOU BETTER COME ON HOME
* I SEE SMOKE
* IS THE OVEN ON?
* YOU'RE IN BED
WITH TUBA TOM *
* WE USED TO BE
SO DAMN CUTE *
* NOW IT'S SOUR
AND GONE *
* WHEN I'M OUT WORKIN'
* YOU'RE ON THE COUCH
* WITH MY FRIENDS
SINGIN' SONGS... *
YEAH, HANG ON.
I'M COMIN'.
WHO IS IT?
ALL YOU DELIVERY BOYS
LOOK THE SAME TO ME.
LOOK, I'M NOT OPENING UP.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS ROUTINE
EVERY TIME I'M HERE.
I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE
THE GROCERIES RIGHT HERE, OKAY?
DID YOU REMEMBER
THE COOKIES?
THANK YOU,
MR. VANDERBEEK.
OOH, YOU IMPRESSED?
OOH, ALL THE WAY.
ALL THE WAY.
SHH.
HEY, BITCH, SIDEWALK.
THIS IS A PUBLIC SIDEWALK
ALL UP IN MY WAY.
COME ON, BITCH, WHY YOU COMIN' TOWARD ME, MAN?
WHY YOU COMIN' TOWARD ME?
YOU GOT A PROBLEM, BITCH?
YOU GOT A PROBLEM?
* YOU BETTER
COME ON HOME *
* YOU BETTER COME ON HOME
* YOU BETTER
COME ON HOME... *
HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY.
HERE, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY.
HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY.
HERE, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.
COME OUT,
WHEREVER YOU ARE.
HEY, KITTEN.
WHAT'S NEW, PUSSYCAT?
OH, I BET YOU HATE THESE LONG SHIFTS MORE THAN I DO, HUH?
COME HERE.
GET UP, GET UP.
CRAWL TO THE COUCH.
OH, GOOD.
YOU'VE MADE ME SO PROUD
TO TAKE SUCH PUNISHMENT.
OH, KITTEN.
OH, KITTEN, I'M SORRY.
OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S OVER NOW.
NO MAN 30 POUNDS OVERWEIGHT
SHOULD EVER
BE WEARING A SPEEDO.
I'M NOT LOOKING UP.
YOU GOTTA LOOK AT THIS GUY.
YOU'VE GOT TO SEE
HOW HAIRY HIS BACK IS.
WHY WOULD I WANT
TO SEE THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S FRICKIN'
DISGUSTING.
I WANT TO MEET THE WOMAN
WHO'S SLEEPING WITH HIM.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME SEE.
- WHERE?
- PERVERT.
YOU'RE GAY.
- WANT TO LOOK AT SOME HAIRY OLD MAN.
YOU'RE A LESBIAN.
GOD. HOW'S YOUR BOOK?
- DEPRESSING.
MORE DEPRESSING THAN YOUR MEDICAL BOOKS?
- OH, YEAH.
IT'S ABOUT THE END
OF THE WORLD.
A MAN AND HIS SON
TRAVEL THROUGH THE DEAD LAND
OF ASH AND DARKNESS.
- WOW, FUN SUMMER READING.
- YEAH.
MINE'S ABOUT THREE WOMEN
SPENDING THEIR SUMMER IN GREECE.
WEREN'T YOU READING THAT
WHEN WE MET?
MAYBE.
WOW.
- HEY, I DON'T READ AS FAST AS YOU.
- YEAH, APPARENTLY.
- I'M STARVING.
WE ATE BREAKFAST
LIKE TWO HOURS AGO.
THREE, AND BREAKFAST
WAS VERY EVENTFUL.
WE DIDN'T EAT MUCH.
WE'RE ENGAGED.
I KNOW,
DO YOU BELIEVE IT?
I KEEP FORGETTING,
AND THEN I SMELL BACON
AND THEN I GET EXCITED
ALL OVER AGAIN.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S GONNA SET IN
AS SOON AS YOU GO INTO WORK
AND TELL EVERYONE.
YOU ARE GONNA
TELL EVERYONE, RIGHT?
WHY WOULDN'T I
TELL EVERYBODY?
TWO BLOODY MARYS?
AND ARE WE
READY TO ORDER?
NO.
HOLY CRAP, I CAN'T DRINK THIS RIGHT NOW.
I'M ON CALL.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK IT,
JUST TASTE IT.
IS THAT A BRUSSEL SPROUT?
WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
SO IT'S WORTH
THE $25, RIGHT?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
IT'S FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.
ACTUALLY, IT'S FOR
TWO SPECIAL OCCASIONS.
YOU'RE PREGNANT.
I SOLD ANOTHER PAINTING
LAST NIGHT.
- NO, YOU DIDN'T.
- YEAH.
WOW, WHICH ONE?
THE YELLOW AND BLUE ONE
THAT LOOKS LIKE
SOMEONE DEFECATED
ALL OVER IT.
OH, I LIKE THAT ONE.
WOW, THAT'S REALLY COOL.
I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU.
THANKS, BABY.
ALL RIGHT,
WHAT ARE WE GONNA EAT?
IT'S ON ME.
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
LET'S GET EVERYTHING.
I LIKE THAT PLAN.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.
OOH, I WANT
TO GET THE CALAMARI,
AND I WANT TO BE THE ONE WEARING THE DRESS AT OUR WEDDING.
WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?
I DON'T KNOW, THE CALAMARI
REMINDED ME OF IT.
YOU HAVE SUCH A STRANGE WAY
OF COMMUNICATING.
IS IT OKAY?
WELL, IF YOU WEAR A DRESS-- I DON'T
CARE IF YOU WEAR A POTATO SACK.
I JUST WANT
TO BE MARRIED TO YOU.
OKAY, GOOD.
I WOULD ALSO LIKE
THE CLAM CHOWDER.
AND I'M NOT GETTING
A TATTOO.
OH, I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D DO IT ANYWAY.
- OKAY, GOOD.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
THAT THE MENU IS TELLING YOU?
UM, NO.
I THINK I'M
ALL RIGHT FOR NOW.
- SO WE CAN ORDER?
- YEP.
OKAY, GOOD.
YEAH, THAT'LL HAPPEN.
HELLO?
HI, JERRY.
YEAH, IT'S ME.
NO, I JUST WOKE UP,
THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU
A LITTLE RING-A-DING.
NO, THE GROCERY GUY
ALREADY BEEN HERE.
NO, I DIDN'T LET HIM IN.
NO, I DIDN'T EVEN
OPEN THE DOOR.
BECAUSE I'M NOT READY
FOR THAT.
LOOK, I'M NOT JUST GONNA GET UP AND GO OUT OF THIS APARTMENT
JUST BECAUSE
YOU WANT ME TO, JERRY.
IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
NO, IT'S NOT.
MAYBE FOR YOU,
BUT NOT FOR ME.
I'VE GOT PROBLEMS, OKAY?
WELL, YEAH,
YOU KEEP SAYING THAT,
IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD,
IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD.
BUT YOU DON'T TELL ME
HOW TO FIX THE PROBLEMS.
WELL, THAT'S NOT
GONNA HAPPEN.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT.
LOOK, JERRY, WHY ARE YOU
BEING LIKE THIS?
WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?
LOOK, I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT
RIGHT NOW, JERRY.
YOU'RE BEING
A COMPLETE ASS.
I AM NOT GOING OUTSIDE
OF THE APARTMENT TODAY.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ME
WHERE WE'RE GOING, ARE YOU?
I DID TELL YOU
WHERE WE'RE GOING.
WE'RE GOING
TO THE VIDEO STORE.
WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK
IT'D BE FUN?
- YOU WANT TO PLAY OUR GAME?
- WHICH ONE?
THE LOONEY BIN GAME.
- OOH, FROM LAST NIGHT?
- YEAH, IT'S A NEW ONE.
ALL RIGHT, IS IT A DRUG ADDICT
OR AN ELDERY PERSON?
NEITHER.
- OKAY, NOT A CHILD.
- NOPE.
OKAY, IT'S DEFINITELY
NOT A MAN
'CAUSE THEY WOULD NEVER
GO TO THE HOSPITAL ON THEIR OWN.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT
ABOUT THAT.
UM, OKAY,
SO IT'S A FEMALE.
I'M GONNA GUESS HER AGE
IS BETWEEN 20 AND 30.
YEP, 29-YEAR-OLD FEMALE.
SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS PREGNANT
AND THEN SHE STARTED HER PERIOD?
NO, THAT'S NO GOOD.
SHE HAD TO FART SO BAD
THAT IT GAVE HER HEARTBURN,
SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS
HAVING A HEART ATTACK?
NOT EVEN CLOSE.
OH.
OKAY, WHAT, BREAK-UP?
SUICIDE?
NO, THAT'S OLD.
NO, NO, NO.
I'M JUST GONNA GIVE YOU A HINT.
IT HAS TO DO WITH VANITY.
WHAT, LIKE A PLASTIC SURGERY
MISHAP?
NOT THAT TRAUMATIC.
DYES, POISONS, ALLERGIES,
COSMETICS?
YES, CLOSE.
COSMETICS.
OKAY, IT'S COSMETICS BUT IT'S NOT ALLERGIES TO COSMETICS.
UM...
WHAT, LIKE COSMETICS
TATTOOED ON HER FACE?
NO, A SLIVER OF EYELINER
GOT TRAPPED UNDER HER CORNEA.
- EW, HER EYE?
- YES.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GO TO--
YOU GO TO LIGHT THE EYELINER,
AND YOU PUT IT UNDER
YOUR LOWER EYELID LIKE THAT?
WELL SHE LIT IT
AND IT GOT HOT
AND IT JERKED
AND WENT RIGHT INTO HER EYE.
- OH, GOOD GOD.
- YEAH.
AND SHE WAS
FRICKING HYSTERICAL.
- WELL, IT'S GOTTA HURT.
- I KNOW, BUT COME ON.
IT WAS LIKE WAS BEING
STABBED IN THE HEART.
SHE WAS GONNA DIE.
HALF THE HOSPITAL CAME RUNNING.
WELL, I BET SHE LEARNED
HER LESSON
AND SHE WILL NEVER
WEAR EYELINER AGAIN.
I'M NOT GONNA EVER
WEAR EYELINER AGAIN.
- UM, 65 SHOULD DO IT.
- 65.
- $65 FOR A "HANNAH MONTANA" MOVIE?
- I JUST HATE TO INTERRUPT,
BUT WE'RE IN QUITE A HURRY.
OH, IT'S MY FAVORITE
DICK VAN DYKES.
- I HATE THAT WORD.
- WHAT'S UP, DICK?
HEY, YOU HAVE TO BE NICE
TO HER NOW.
- SHE'S MY FIANCÉE.
- CANDY.
IS THAT EVEN LEGAL
FOR YOU PEOPLE?
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE
THEY LET YOU OUTSIDE.
CAN YOU JUST GET
MY PAYCHECK, PLEASE?
NO. NO CAN DO.
BIG BIRD HASN'T SIGNED THE CHECKS YET.
OH, COME ON.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
IT'S MONDAY. WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO GET PAID ON FRIDAY.
I DON'T KID AROUND
ABOUT MONEY.
AH, SHIT.
WELL, THIS CHANGES THINGS.
NOW WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO GO WITH PLAN B.
SEE YOU, STONER.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
HEY, YOU WANT TO STOP
FOR A POLLO BOWL?
YOU CAN TAKE IT TO THE HOSPITAL LATER,
HAVE IT FOR DINNER.
HOW COULD YOU THINK
ABOUT FOOD RIGHT NOW?
WELL, I JUST WANT YOU
TO BE ABLE TO EAT LATER,
AND I DON'T WANT IT TO BE
FROM A VENDING MACHINE.
OH, THAT'S SWEET, BUT NO.
DEE TEXTED ME.
SHE'S GONNA
BRING ME LEFTOVERS.
LEFTOVERS DOESN'T SOUND GOOD.
I STILL NEED TO MEET DANA.
WELL, MAYBE IF WE HAD A SMALL
COMMITMENT CEREMONY HERE,
YOU CAN MEET HER
AND ALL MY OTHER COWORKERS.
OR MAYBE YOUR COWORKERS CAN FLY
TO OUR WEDDING IN VERMONT.
- VERMONT?
- NO?
WHAT ABOUT MASSACHUSETTS
OR IOWA?
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I DREAMED OF,
A WEDDING IN IOWA.
OKAY,
WHAT ABOUT SOUTH AFRICA?
YEAH, 'CAUSE I CAN GET A WEEKEND
OFF TO GO TO SOUTH AFRICA.
YOU CAN GET A WEEKEND OFF?
HOW MANY HOURS A WEEK
DO YOU SLAVE FOR THAT HOSPITAL?
A LOT. TOO MUCH.
BUT THAT'S WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR.
AND YOU KNEW WHEN WE MET THAT I WOULD
NOT HAVE A LIFE FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE RIGHT. I DID.
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WOULD
BE WORKING 100 HOURS A WEEK.
AND I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WOULD HAVE
TO WORK EVERY WEEKEND AND HOLIDAY,
AND I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU
WOULD BE ON CALL 24/7.
I THINK THAT WE SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT
I HAVE A SOMEWHAT NORMAL SCHEDULE.
MOST RESIDENTS LIVE
AT THE HOSPITAL.
I AM ONE OF THE FEW
THAT GET TO COME HOME.
I AM GRATEFUL, OKAY?
I JUST LONG FOR THE DAY
THAT YOU ACTUALLY
BECOME A DOCTOR, OKAY?
WHEN YOU CAN TAKE
A WEEKEND OFF.
WHEN WE CAN SLEEP
TOGETHER AT NIGHT.
WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A DRINK
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
- YEAH, I WANT THAT, TOO.
- I JUST ALWAYS FEEL LIKE WE HAVE A TIME LIMIT.
IT'S LIKE WE'RE-- IT'S-- UGH.
IT'S LIKE A RACE
TO BEAT THE CLOCK.
I FEEL LIKE I'M COMPETING
WITH THE HOSPITAL.
I'M SORRY I'M HURTING YOU.
I JUST-- I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.
- WHAT CAN I DO?
- I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO ANYTHING, OKAY?
I AM JUST EXPRESSING
MY FEELINGS.
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO
GET USED TO SHARING YOU.
IT JUST SUCKS I CAN'T EVEN
SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT.
I KNOW, BUT WE HAVE THE REST
OF OUR LIVES FOR THAT.
YOU'RE MY FIANCÉE.
OKAY.
HELLO.
HEY, IT'S ME AGAIN.
YEAH, I KNOW.
I'M SORRY.
NO, IT'S MY FAULT.
OKAY, MAYBE IT'S YOUR FAULT.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
IT'S JUST--
IT'S NOT EASY BEING ME.
AND THEN YOU MAKE FUN OF ME
AND TELL ME I'M CRAZY.
I DON'T DEAL
WITH THAT WORD VERY WELL.
OKAY, LET'S JUST START
THE WHOLE DAY OVER.
HELLO. HELLO, JERRY.
WHAT'S UP?
OH, NOTHING. I WAS THINKING ABOUT
COUNTING AND ORGANIZING MY BOOKS TODAY.
WELL, YOU KNOW I CAN'T PASS BY
MY BOOKSHELF WITHOUT
COUNTING MY BOOKS.
WELL, MAYBE NOT FUN FOR YOU,
BUT I ENJOY IT VERY MUCH, THANK YOU.
WELL, THAT'LL TAKE
A FEW HOURS OF MY TIME.
UH, LATER I WAS THINKING ABOUT
COZYING UP ON THE COUCH WITH A MOVIE.
GUESS. NO, IT'S NOT
A HUMPHREY BOGART FILM.
THAT'S WEDNESDAYS.
OF COURSE I ONLY WATCH AUDREY HEPBURN MOVIES ON MONDAYS.
JERRY, I RENT MY MOVIES ONLINE.
WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE?
YOU KNOW I HAVEN'T LEFT
THIS APARTMENT IN TEN YEARS.
WAS THAT SUPPOSED
TO BE FUNNY?
NO, I DON'T WANT TO GET
INTO A FIGHT EITHER.
OKAY THEN.
SO THEN WHY DID YOU ASK IF
I'M GOING TO THE VIDEO STORE?
NO, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT.
WAIT, LET ME GET A PEN.
UM, OH, DAMN.
CAN'T FIND IT.
HOLD ON, JERRY.
I SWEAR IT WAS OVER HERE.
AH-HA.
AH.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
HANG ON, JERRY.
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
15, 16, 17--
OH, OH!
UM, WHY DID I LEAVE
THAT LIGHT ON?
UM, OH.
I HATE BEING AWAKE.
HATE BEING AWAKE.
MY FUCKING HEAD HURTS.
DAMN IT.
OH. THE FUCK DID I LEAVE
THE LIGHTS ON FOR?
DAMN IT.
THIS IS CRAZY.
GOOD TIMES.
AND AWAY WE GO.
HEY, CUTIE.
YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?
UH, YOU TALKING TO ME?
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME BACK
TO YOUR PLACE SO WE CAN FUCK?
OH, THE AWFUL THINGS
THAT I WOULD DO TO HER.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
OH, I MUST HAVE FALLEN OVER
THAT DAMN STEPSTOOL AGAIN.
UGH. WELL, I FEEL LIKE I WAS--
I WAS DOING SOMETHING ELSE.
I WONDER WHAT
THE HELL IT WAS.
OH, SHIT. JERRY.
HELLO, JERRY?
JERRY, HELLO?
ARE YOU THERE?
WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT I AM.
DO I HAVE TO BE
SO STUPID?
GOD, I AM SO FUCKING STUPID.
OH, JERRY,
PLEASE DON'T BE MAD AT ME.
PLEASE DON'T BE MAD.
WHAT WOULD I DO
WITHOUT YOU, JERRY?
I HAVE NO FRIENDS.
WHAT WOULD I DO?
COME ON, JERRY.
ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE.
MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.
OH.
OKAY, CALM DOWN, NELSON,
OKAY, CALM DOWN.
THAT'S IT.
DAMN.
SEE, I TOLD YOU, JERRY.
NO REASON TO STAY INSIDE?
NO REASON TO BE SCARED?
THERE'S A REASON
RIGHT THERE.
OH, JEEZ.
SHE'S NOT EVEN LOOKING AT ME,
BUT I KNOW SHE WANTS
TO SLICE ME UP.
YOU CAN DO IT.
OH, SHIT.
WHAT WAS THAT MOVIE CALLED
THAT JERRY TOLD ME ABOUT?
UH, "IN THE DARK"?
UH, "SCARED OF THE DARK"?
UH, NO, "WAIT UNTIL DARK,"
THAT'S IT.
UH, LET'S SEE IF I CAN--
LET'S SEE IF I CAN
WATCH IT ONLINE.
YEAH.
HUH?
WHAT THE HELL?
DID MY COMPUTER
GET TURNED OFF?
OKAY, WHAT THE FUCK
IS GOING ON?
HELLO?
IT'S MR. VANDERBEEK AGAIN.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
NELSON VANDERBEEK.
YES, IT'S MY COMPUTER AGAIN.
YES, I'VE TRIED TURNING IT
OFF AND ON AGAIN. NOTHING.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T
MAKE IT OUT UNTIL TOMORROW?
WELL, HOW THE HELL
AM I GONNA WATCH
MY AUDREY HEPBURN MOVIE NOW?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO BE A FILM CONNOISSEUR
AND NOT BE ABLE TO SEE
THE FILM THAT YOU DESIRE?
OF COURSE YOU DON'T.
YOU'RE A MORON.
OKAY, NELSON.
IT'S TIME TO DO SOMETHING.
I'VE BEEN STANDING HERE
FOR SEVEN MINUTES NOW.
OKAY, NELSON.
IT'S NOW OR NEVER.
OKAY, NELSON,
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO TALK TO ANYBODY.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS GO TO THE VIDEO STORE,
GET THE MOVIE,
AND GO HOME.
ALL RIGHT, STEP ONE COMPLETE.
GET OUTSIDE.
NOW FOR STEP TWO, CHOOSING
A MODE OF TRANSPORTATION.
I CAN WALK
OR I CAN TAKE THE BUS.
WHICH ONE WOULD HAVE LESS HOMICIDAL MANIACS?
THE STREET?
BUT WHICH ONE WILL
GET ME THERE FASTER?
THE BUS.
I CAN DO THIS.
I CAN DO THIS.
I CAN DO THIS.
GOD, THERE'S GONNA BE A LOT
OF FREAKS ON THE BUS.
I JUST KNOW IT.
WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?
OH, GOD.
I BET HE WANTS TO KILL ME.
AUDREY FRIGGIN' HEPBURN.
OKAY.
I'M GONNA GET THIS VIDEO
AND NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME.
NELSON!
HEY, NELSON.
NELSON VANDERBEEK.
HOW THE HELL ARE YOU, MAN?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?
IT'S ME, DONNY RICHARDSON,
FROM THE OLD NEIGHBORHOOD.
AUDREY FRIGGIN' HEPBURN.
HOW YOU BEEN?
JEEZ, IT'S BEEN LIKE, WHAT, LIKE
20-SOME ODD YEARS OR SOMETHING?
I HEARD YOU INVENTED
SOME KIND OF, UH,
VACUUM CLEANER OR DUST MOP
OR SOME DOOHICKEY LIKE THAT.
YOU MUST HAVE MADE
A KILLING ON THAT, HUH?
THAT'S IT. YOU'VE GOT THE BIG BUCKS GOING NOW,
THE BIG BUCKS.
THAT'S WHY I NEVER
SEE YOU ANYMORE.
BECAUSE YOU HIT THE BIG TIME,
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN
WITH A SCHLUB
FROM THE OLD NEIGHBORHOOD, HUH?
YEAH, MAN,
RIGHT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL,
YOU KNOW,
THINGS WEREN'T GOING SO HOT.
I COULDN'T FIND A JOB,
SO I JOINED THE ARMY.
I ENDED UP GETTING
STATIONED IN BERLIN.
AND THAT'S WHERE I MET MY WIFE,
KATYA, IN GERMANY.
THEN WE MOVED BACK TO THE STATES
AFTER MY TOUR ENDED IN GERMANY.
AND WE MOVED BACK
TO THE SAME OLD NEIGHBORHOOD
AND I GOT THIS GREAT JOB
AT THE INSURANCE COMPANY.
EVERYTHING'S GOING
REALLY GREAT.
THAT'S WHEN WE HAVE
OUR FIRST CHILD, DONNY JR.
THIS KID LOVES BASEBALL
LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.
HE'S ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD,
BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THROW THE--
AUDREY FRIGGIN' HEPBURN.
HEY, NELSON.
NELSON, YOU THERE?
HELLO?
I'M GONNA GET THIS VIDEO,
AND NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME.
WAIT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.
IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?
ARE YOU FINDING THIS FUNNY?
SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA STAND THERE WITH A
STUPID GRIN ON YOUR FACE AND YOUR EYES CLOSED?
I DON'T LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE.
WELL, FINE, MAN.
I CAN TAKE A HINT.
I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE,
YOU FUCKING WEIRDO.
- YOU SHOULD INTO GETTING SOME HELP.
- YOU DON'T JUDGE ME.
I THINK I HANDLED THAT
QUITE WELL.
LET ME IN, FUCK-O.
WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?
CLOSE ENOUGH.
YOU'RE LATE.
YOU WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
AT 9:30, NOT 9:45.
MY CAT SPILLED MILK
ALL OVER MY KITCHEN FLOOR, MAN.
- I HAD TO CLEAN IT UP.
- YOU HAVE A CAT?
YOU NEVER TOLD ME
YOU HAD A CAT.
WING!
BOOM, YOU IMPRESSED.
ALL THE WAY.
- GO CLEAN THE BATHROOM.
- WHAT? DUDE, DON'T BE A QUEER.
FUCK YOU. YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IN LIFE
WHILE CLEANING A TOILET.
SUCKS, SUCKS, DANE COOK,
REALLY?
SUCKS, DANE COOK.
WHY DO THEY GIVE
THIS ASSHOLE MOVIES?
SUCH A DOUCHEBAG.
FUCKING HATE MONDAYS.
EVERY FUCKING RETURNS.
LOOK AT ALL THESE SHITTY MOVIES
THAT PEOPLE WATCH.
GOD DAMN.
MY. LIFE. SUCKS.
HEY.
IT'S A LASER, YOU IDIOT.
- YOU'RE GONNA GET EYE CANCER.
- REALLY?
YEAH, REALLY.
IT'S A FUCKING LASER, MORON.
YOU'RE MY DADDY.
YEAH.
YOU EVER SEEN "THE ROCK"?
WHICH IS BETTER? "G-FORCE,"
"BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA"?
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
"THE ROCK"?
HEY MAN, UM,
DO YOU--
DO YOU HAVE, UM--
HOW THE HELL CAN YOU
HAVE NEVER SEEN "THE ROCK"?
I MEAN, EVERYBODY'S SEEN
THE FUCKING "ROCK."
I MEAN, IT'S MICHAEL BAY'S
BEST FUCKING MOVIE EVER.
HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE SEEN
THE FUCKING "ROCK"?
HE-- HE--
"HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU."
IT'S A MICHAEL BAY CLASSIC.
EXCUSE ME, THERE ARE NO TAMPONS
IN YOUR BATHROOM.
OH, YEAH, GET THAT.
GET THAT.
OH, YEAH, GET THAT.
OH, THAT TICKLES.
UH, CHECK THE TRASH.
"BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA."
OKAY, SO THESE BAD GUYS, LIKE,
WHO'S HEADED BY, YOU KNOW,
THE, UH, THE OLD BALDING GUY
FROM, UH, "APOLLO 13,"
HE'S, LIKE, A GENERAL AND SHIT
AND, LIKE, THEY GO ON, LIKE,
THIS, UH, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
THIS, LIKE, VIGILANTE MISSION
WHERE THEY STEAL,
LIKE, ALL THESE, LIKE,
CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND STUFF.
HEY, UM, WE'VE MET BEFORE.
I'M EVE,
ROCHELLE'S FRIEND.
OH, RIGHT.
YEAH. WE HAVE?
- YEAH, WE'VE MET AT THAT PARTY.
- RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. OKAY.
WHAT'S UP?
HOW YOU BEEN?
SHE TOLD ME TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT RENTING
"POTTY TRAINING FOR BABY."
OH, YEAH.
RIGHT.
UM, PLEASE STEP INTO MY OFFICE.
RIGHT THAT WAY.
THROUGH THE DOUBLE DOORS.
- FANCY OFFICE YOU GOT.
- THANK YOU.
HOW IS ROCHELLE?
I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER IN A LONG TIME.
NOT TOO GREAT, YOU KNOW. SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.
SHE TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE.
- WHAT?
- YEAH. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
PRETTY PEOPLE
COULD HAVE PROBLEMS?
NOT ME.
SO, UM...
THIS THE EMPLOYEE
FAVORITE SECTION?
YEAH, UM, IF I CAN RECOMMEND
A COUPLE.
I AM A BIG FAN
OF "CUM GOATEE."
NOT GETTING ONE,
JUST WATCHING IT.
- OVER "MEATHOLES 14"?
- IT'S A TOSS-UP, REALLY, SO...
I'VE BEEN A FAN
OF 1 THROUGH 13,
BUT I HEARD 14 WASN'T THAT GREAT,
SO I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME.
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.
I THINK I MIGHT GO
WITH "CUM GOATEE," BUT QUESTION,
DO YOU HAVE
"GAYS OF OUR LIVES"?
YES.
IT'S JUST RECENTLY CHECKED OUT.
SO, HOW MUCH
YOU LOOKING FOR?
- OH, JUST LIKE AN 1/8TH.
- KINKY.
HE'S, UH, AN EXPERT IN, UM,
CHEMICAL WEAPONS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
WHICH IS THE ONLY REASON
HE'S IN THERE
'CAUSE HE'S NOT REALLY, UM,
LIKE A SOLDIER
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,
BUT FOR SOME REASON,
THEY DECIDED TO SEND A CIVILIAN.
I'M NOT SURE WHY
THEY DID THAT IN THE MOVIE.
WHY DID THEY DO THAT?
WHOA, OH!
WHAT AN IDIOT.
WHAT THE--
OH, HERE HE COMES.
HEY, BIG GUY.
COME MARCHING ALONG, WEIRDO.
HERE YOU ARE.
HOLY SHIT, I MADE IT.
THEN THERE'S THIS, LIKE,
GUN BATTLE THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING EPIC.
POW, POW, POW, POW.
- I'M TELLING YOU IT'S "CON AIR."
- IT'S NOT "CON AIR"!
- NO.
- IT'S NOT "CON AIR"!
YOU KNOW, I KIND OF RUN A VIDEO STORE,
I HAVE AN IDEA OF THESE MOVIES.
IT'S NOT "CON AIR." IT'S NOT "CON AIR."
IT'S NOT-- NOT "CON AIR."
CAN I FINISH?
IT'S NOT "CON AIR."
ANYWAYS, SO THIS GUY-- SEAN CONNERY'S CHARACTER--
- HEY, BRYAN.
- OH, SHIT. JEN.
WELL, IT'S BEEN A WHILE, HUH?
JEEZ, I DIDN'T EVEN
RECOGNIZE YOU.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
IS, UH, THAT ONE YOURS?
- YEAH. TONY AND I.
- OH, THAT'S AWESOME. WOW.
YEAH, YOU GUYS ALWAYS SEEMED LIKE A GOOD COUPLE,
SO CONGRATULATIONS.
- WHAT IS SHE, LIKE, NINE?
- TEN, ACTUALLY.
- TEN? WOW, I HAD NO IDEA.
A DECADE.
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
FOR ALMOST A DECADE.
- I KNOW, RIGHT?
- WOW, WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- RIGHT? CRAZY.
- SO HOW'S TONY?
- WE BROKE UP.
CAN YOU TELL ME
IF THIS IS GOOD?
THAT'S-- THAT'S ONE
OF MEL BROOKS' BEST FILMS.
WHO IS MEL BROOKS?
MEL BROOKS IS PERHAPS
THE GREATEST WRITER/DIRECTOR
- OF OUR TIME.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE ALL I DO IS SIT AT HOME
AND WATCH MOVIES.
DO YOU STILL, LIKE, SELL?
YEAH. SURE, YEAH.
ABSOLUTELY.
- RIGHT NOW?
- YEAH, I GUESS.
- WE'RE TOTALLY GONNA RENT A MOVIE TOO.
- OH, SURE, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
I JUST FIGURED I MIGHT AS WELL PICK UP
SOMETHING TO HELP ME RELAX OR WHATEVER.
- UH, HOW MUCH?
- AN EIGHTH?
WHAT EVER MADE YOU DECIDE TO
PICK SUCH AN ADULT FILM ANYWAY?
IT'S MY MOM'S CHOICE.
SHE'S A HUGE
ALFRED HITCHCOCK FAN.
AND SHE SAID THIS IS
A PARAKEET OF HIS MOVIES.
YOU MEAN A PARODY?
I TOLD HER I WOULD
GRAB IT FOR HER
WHILE SHE FLIRTS WITH THE GUY
AT THE COUNTER.
BUT I'M GONNA TELL HER
THEY DON'T HAVE IT.
THAT WAY I CAN GET
THE "HANNAH MONTANA" MOVIE.
THAT ISN'T VERY NICE, IS IT?
WELL, YOU WOULDN'T WANT ANYBODY
DOING THAT TO YOU, WOULD YOU?
- NO.
- SO I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
YEAH, DON'T LISTEN TO ME,
YOU DUMB LITTLE GIRL.
ACTUALLY, IT HAD TO BE
THE MOST INTELLECTUAL
PERSON-TO-PERSON INTERACTION
I'VE HAD IN ABOUT TEN YEARS.
- YEAH, COOL.
- AWESOME.
- ALL RIGHT, SO 65 TOTAL SHOULD DO IT.
- 65.
$65 FOR
A "HANNAH MONTANA" MOVIE?
"HANNAH MONTANA"?
I TOLD YOU TO GET "HIGH ANXIETY."
I JUST HATE TO INTERRUPT,
BUT WE'RE IN QUITE A HURRY.
LOOK, IT'S MY FAVORITE
DICK VAN DYKES.
- I HATE THAT WORD.
- WHAT'S THAT? DICK OR DYKE?
HEY, HEY. BE NICE TO HER.
SHE'S NOW MY FIANCÉE.
IS THAT EVEN LEGAL
FOR YOU PEOPLE?
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE
THEY LET YOU OUTSIDE.
CAN YOU JUST GET MY PAYCHECK,
PLEASE?
NO CAN DO.
BIG BIRD HASN'T SIGNED THE CHECKS YET.
OH, COME ON. YOU'RE KIDDING.
- IT'S MONDAY. WE GET PAID FRIDAY.
- I KNOW, LAURA.
YOU KNOW,
VIDEO STORE HASN'T BEEN DOING THAT WELL AND FUCKING NETFLIX.
HE, UH,
LIKE GRABS THE BALL OF CHEMICAL STUFF OUT OF HIS JACKET
AND SHOVES IT
IN THE GUY'S MOUTH,
AND, LIKE, THE GUY STARTS...
AND THEN NIC CAGE STARTS...
BUT NIC CAGE HAS THIS WEIRD,
LIKE, INJECTION THING
HE, LIKE, THROWS INTO
HIS LEG AND, UM, LIKE, YEAH,
CURES HIMSELF, YOU KNOW,
MIRACULOUSLY,
EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE DEADLIEST
WEAPON ON THE PLANET.
W, W, W.
UM...
UH, OH.
OH!
OH.
FINE. I DON'T EVEN
FUCKING CARE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
WE'LL SAVE IT FOR ANOTHER TIME.
- PLAN B WAS BETTER ANYWAY.
- ALL RIGHT.
- SEE YOU, STONER.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?
YOU WANT TO COME OVER
AND WATCH "HANNAH MONTANA"?
OH, YEAH, I WOULD LOVE TO.
WELL,
NOT THE "HANNAH MONTANA" PART,
BUT, UM,
I GOT PLANS ACTUALLY.
I'M WITH SOMEBODY NOW.
BEEN WITH THEM FOR ABOUT A YEAR.
OH, WOW.
JUST KIDDING.
I DIDN'T PICK YOU TO BE
THE LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP KIND,
BUT OKAY, WELL,
AWESOME SEEING YOU.
- WELL, HAVE FUN, YOU TWO. BYE.
- THANKS, BYE.
HEY, NELSON.
IS IT MONDAY ALREADY?
YOU HERE TO CHECK OUT
"WAIT UNTIL DARK" AGAIN?
- UH...
- "WAIT UNTIL DARK," AUDREY HEPBURN.
SO SHE'S PRETTY HOT, HUH?
AUDREY HEPBURN,
SHE'S PRETTY HOT.
I MEAN, FOR A DEAD CHICK.
UM, THIS IS A VIDEO STORE,
RIGHT?
COME ON, MAN, JUST RELAX, ALL RIGHT?
I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
COOL. IT'S, UH, DUE BACK
NEXT SUNDAY, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY.
YOU KNOW,
I HAVE SOMETHING THAT MIGHT HELP YOU MELLOW OUT A BIT.
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING IN.
WE APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS.
AUDREY FRIGGIN' HEPBURN.
LIKE, AT THE VERY LAST SECOND,
YOU KNOW,
JETS ARE FLYING OVER.
NIC CAGE IS WAVING.
"I'VE GOT IT, I'VE GOT IT,
I'VE GOT IT."
"DON'T BLOW ME UP!"
"I'M A SOLDIER,
NOT A MERCENARY."
"FUCK THAT, MAN.
WE WANT OUR MONEY.
IF WE'RE NOT GONNA
GET THE MONEY,
WE'RE GONNA KILL A BUNCH
OF FUCKING PEOPLE."
"I DON'T TAKE PLEASURE
IN GUTTING YOU, BOY."
"I'M TIRED OF SAVING
YOUR ASS."
"COME IN, COME IN.
ARE YOU THERE? ARE YOU THERE?"
AND THEN YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YOUR STANDARD HOLLYWOOD ENDING.
IF THIS MOVIE
IS NOT "CON AIR,"
I'M SHAVING MY MOUSTACHE
TOMORROW.
- IT'S NOT "CON AIR."
- IT'S "CON AIR."
SEAN CONNERY ISN'T IN
"CON AIR."
HOW...
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I ACTUALLY MADE IT.
OH, MY GOD,
IT FEELS LIKE TODAY WAS THE LONGEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
AND IT'S NOT EVEN
HALF OVER YET.
HELLO?
HELLO, JERRY?
JERRY, MY GOOD OLD BUDDY,
OLD PAL.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE
I AM HAPPY.
WELL, BECAUSE I HAD
A WONDERFUL DAY.
OH, OKAY, YOU CAUGHT ME.
YEAH, IT WAS A DISASTER.
I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO TELL YOU WHAT
I WENT THROUGH TO GET THIS MOVIE.
OH, SHIT.
AWW.
HANG ON A SECOND, JERRY.
I JUST SPILLED MY MILK.
OH, MAN.
NO.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
AFTER ALL I'VE BEEN THROUGH TO GET THIS MOVIE,
I'M NOW TOO EXHAUSTED
TO WATCH IT.
YEAH, I GOT THE MOVIE.
WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT WASN'T SO BAD AFTER ALL.
IT ALL WORKED OUT.
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU,
I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT
MY APARTMENT.
WELL, I'M JUST GLAD HAVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU I CAN TALK TO.
NO, I'M BEING SERIOUS HERE.
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO.
I MEAN, YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME,
JERRY.
OKAY, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.
OKAY, I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
OKAY, I LOVE YOU.
O-- OKAY, HANG UP.
NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST.
WELL, NO, YOU.
NO, NO SERIOUSLY,
YOU DO. N--
YOU KNOW I HAVE THIS THING ABOUT WHEN
YOU DON'T HANG UP FIRST, I START TO ITCH,
AND THEN REQUEST THAT--
THAT I CALL YOU AGAIN
AND WE HAVE THE WHOLE
CONVERSATION OVER VERBATIM.
YEAH,
I DON'T WANT THAT EITHER.
SO ARE YOU READY?
OKAY, JERRY, OKAY.
GOOD-BYE.
WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING, MAN?
DON'T DO THAT HERE.
WHY, MAN?
THERE'S NO ONE FUCKING HERE.
AND EVEN IF THERE WAS,
NO ONE WOULD GIVE A SHIT.
PLUS IT'S PRACTICALLY LEGAL
HERE ANYWAYS.
FUCK IT.
WHAT IF WE'RE ACTUALLY DEAD?
AND WE'RE LIKE, UH,
IN PURGATORY?
MAYBE.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT LIFE'S
ALL ABOUT.
JUST WAITING FOR SOMETHING
TO HAPPEN.
MAYBE WE'RE THE ZOMBIES.
JUST DEVOURING EACH OTHER.
JUST FUCKING AND HATING
AND USING EACH OTHER.
AND EATING EACH OTHER'S
HEARTS AND MINDS.
YOU NERD, HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY
HAVE GOTTEN STONED OFF ONE HIT?
NEVER MIND.
WHY YOU WANT TO MAKE MOVIES,
MAN?
LIKE, WHAT'S THE POINT?
IT SEEMS KIND OF STUPID.
FUCK YOU, MAN.
IT'S NOT STUPID.
YOU SPENT YOUR WHOLE LIFE
WATCHING THIS CRAP
AND YOU ARE ALWAYS WRITING
MORE OF THIS CRAP
AND YOU'RE JUST, LIKE,
ONE PERSON.
LIKE, THERE ARE HUNDREDS
AND THOUSANDS
OF VIDEO STORE MANAGERS/
SCREENWRITERS EVERYWHERE,
AND LOOK AT ALL THIS CRAP, MAN.
MOST OF IT'S JUST CRAP.
SO, LIKE, WHY?
WHAT'S THE POINT?
I JUST WANT TO BE REALLY RICH
AND FUCK MOVIE STARS,
AND I THINK THAT'S THE ONLY WAY
I'M GONNA MAKE THAT HAPPEN.
NOW THAT'S PROBABLY
THE MOST HONEST THING
I'VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY.
YOU SHOULD WRITE THAT DOWN
IN ONE OF YOUR SCRIPTS.
WHAT THE FUCK YOU DO?
- NOT MUCH.
- NO. YOU SIT AROUND.
YOU SELL DRUGS. YOU ARGUE WITH
YOUR CRAZY GIRLFRIEND.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T GET
TO MAKE MOVIES
AND YOU END UP MANAGING A VIDEO STORE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
IT'S JUST WHAT
I WAS BORN TO DO.
WHAT HAPPENS OF YOUR DREAMS
DON'T COME TRUE?
THEY WILL.
- WELL, WHAT IF THEY DON'T?
WELL, THEY WILL.
THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT
KNEW THAT THEY WERE GONNA MAKE IT AND--
WELL, FUCK THEM.
FUCK THEM.
I MEAN, ALL I WANT TO DO
IS MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY.
I WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.
AND MAYBE CRY, YOU KNOW?
NO. NO, I DON'T.
WELL, SERIOUSLY.
I MEAN, IT'S--
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT'S GOING ON
INSIDE YOUR HEAD?
I MEAN, YOU COME IN HERE
WEEK AFTER WEEK
AND YOU DO THE SAME SHIT
OVER AND OVER AGAIN, ALL RIGHT.
YOU MUST HAVE RENTED THIS MOVIE,
LIKE, A THOUSAND TIMES, MAN.
WE HAVE OTHER MOVIES TOO.
CAN I RECOMMEND A COUPLE TO YOU?
* SOMEONE'S CALLING
* THE FEAR IS CRAWLING
* THIS WORLD'S IN THE SHITS
* A BABY CRYING
* A GIRLFRIEND SIGHING
* IT'S TIME TO GET WITH IT
* SATAN
* IS SPREADING
* HIS WINGS AGAIN
* SATAN
* IS COMING BACK
* TO TOWN AGAIN
* MY FRIEND
SO IS THIS THE FINAL STRAW
FOR YOU TWO OR WHAT?
CAN YOU WORK IT OUT?
SERIOUSLY, MAN.
SHE WAS FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT.
I COULDN'T GET HER TO STOP.
I ALMOST HAD TO CALL THE POLICE.
SHE WAS, LIKE, SCREAMING
AND THROWING SHIT EVERYWHERE.
I REALLY LOVE HER.
I JUST WISH SHE WOULD GET HER SHIT TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?
I'LL BE SEEING YOU
WITH MY BROTHER.
HE GOT MAD AT HIS WIFE.
HE BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HER.
HE BROKE HER JAW.
NOW SHE'S IN THE HOSPITAL
AND HE'S IN JAIL.
THAT SUCKS.
- YOU SEE, LIFE COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE.
LIFE COULD ALWAYS
BE BETTER TOO, DUDE.
YOU GONNA PUT THAT IN ONE OF YOUR SCRIPTS?
I BET YOU WILL.
MAYBE I WILL.
* DID YOU PAY
YOUR DOCTOR'S BILL? *
* DID YOU PAY
YOUR DOCTOR'S BILL? *
* IT'S A BATTLE
THIS TIME AGAIN *
* WE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON
* WE GOTTA GET OUR FILL
* OH, YEAH
* SATAN
* IS SPREADING
HIS WINGS AGAIN *
* MY FRIEND
* SATAN
* IS COMING
* TO TOWN AGAIN
YOU WILL NOT USE
A FORK TONIGHT.
I WILL CUT THE MEAT
FOR YOU.
YOU WILL CHEW EXACTLY
SEVEN TIMES BEFORE SWALLOWING
AND YOU WILL CLEAR
YOUR PLATE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX,
SEVEN, SWALLOW.
GOOD.
OH, KITTEN.
SHH, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
SHH.
COME HERE.
GET UP. GET UP.
CRAWL TO THE COUCH.
OH, GOOD.
YOU'VE MADE ME SO PROUD TO TAKE SUCH PUNISHMENT.
HERE, REST HERE.
REST THERE.
OH, KITTEN.
OH, KITTEN, I'M SO SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY.
OH, IT'S OVER NOW THOUGH.
IT'S OVER NOW.
HEY, YOU LEFT YOUR BOWL OF MILK
ON THE FLOOR THIS MORNING.
I TRIPPED OVER IT
ON MY WAY OUT.
IT ALMOST MADE ME LATE
FOR WORK.
IT WAS VERY CARELESS OF YOU.
VERY...
UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.
IT MADE ME VERY ANGRY.
I THINK I MIGHT HAVE
TO MAKE YOU...
LAP IT UP.
I BET YOU HATE THESE LONG SHIFTS
MORE THAN I DO.
HOW ABOUT DINNER
AND A MOVIE?
YEAH?
SIT UP STRAIGHT.
LEGS APART.
GOOD GIRL.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
LET'S BEGIN.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, SLOW DOWN,
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN,
SWALLOW.
GOOD. VERY GOOD.
AGAIN.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX,
SEVEN, SWALLOW.
GOOD.
YEAH. THE GUY--
THE CRAZY GUY THAT ALWAYS
RENTS "WAIT UNTIL DARK"
CAME IN AGAIN.
HE CAME IN.
OOPS.
I WAS JUST HAVING A BAD DAY,
SO I LET HIM HAVE IT.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
GOOD.
I FEEL KINDA BAD ACTUALLY.
HE'S JUST SO FUCKING NUTS,
YOU KNOW?
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
GOOD.
YOU KNOW, AND I WAS JUST
HAVING SUCH A BAD DAY.
WHY DO PEOPLE GET SO CRAZY?
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
YOU KNOW,
YOU LEFT YOUR BOWL OF MILK
ON THE FLOOR THIS MORNING.
I TRIPPED OVER IT
ON MY WAY OUT.
IT ALMOST MADE ME LATE
FOR WORK.
IT WAS VERY CARELESS
OF YOU.
VERY...
UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
I HAD TO LEAVE THE MILK
ON THE FLOOR.
IT MADE ME VERY ANGRY.
YOU KNOW, I MIGHT
HAVE TO MAKE YOU...
LAP IT UP.
HEY, YOU AWAKE?
MORNING, BEAUTIFUL.
GOOD MORNING.
YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP?
WILL SOME BACON
MAKE UP FOR THAT?
THEN BACON IT IS.
HEY, WHAT TIME DID YOU GET HOME THIS MORNING?
ABOUT 4:30.
4:30? GOD, GIRL.
GO BACK TO BED.
NO, I WANT TO GET UP.
- YEAH?
- YEAH.
GOOD, 'CAUSE WE HAVE
A BIG DAY AHEAD OF US.
WE DO?
- YEAH, BUT YOU GOTTA BE DRESSED FOR IT.
OH, BUT I DON'T HEAR YOU
GETTING UP.
I'M UP.
YOU'RE UP?
YOU'RE UP, HUH?
- YOU'RE UP?
- I'M UP.
SAW YOU FOUND YOUR PRESENT.
WHAT PRESENT?
IT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
THE CLOSET.
HERE'S YOUR GLASSES, DEAR.
OH, LOOK AT THAT.
HOW CUTE.
LAURA, I LOVE IT.
LET ME SEE.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS SORT OF HOPING
FOR A BETTER REACTION.
I'M SORRY. I JUST-- I HAVEN'T
EVEN HAD MY COFFEE YET.
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, SOPH.
YOU KNOW, I KNOW IT'S A LOT
TO DIGEST,
BUT I REALLY THOUGHT
THAT YOU WOULD BE HAPPY.
I KNOW. I'M JUST--
I'M JUST SHOCKED, THAT'S ALL.
IT'S 9:30 IN THE MORNING.
I'VE HAD HOSPITAL NIGHTMARES FOR THE PAST FOUR HOURS.
I'M JUST-- WELL, IT'S JUST A RING.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
IT IS NOT JUST A RING, OKAY?
IT IS A PROMISE.
IT IS A COMMITMENT TO SPEND
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH ME.
BUT I JUST TOLD YOU
I WOULD SPEND THE REST
OF MY LIFE WITH YOU.
I REALLY THINK THAT THIS IS IMPORTANT
THAT WE DO THIS FOR REAL, OKAY?
THE WHOLE CORNY FAIRY TALE.
THE RINGS, THE WEDDING,
THE HONEYMOON.
WHY DON'T WE JUST--
CAN'T WE JUST DO, LIKE,
A SMALL COMMITMENT
CEREMONY HERE?
WHAT ABOUT OUR FRIENDS
AND FAMILY?
SOPH, YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY FRIENDS.
AND THE ONLY LIVING RELATIVE
YOU HAVE, I'VE NEVER MET.
I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK IT'S REALLY,
REALLY IMPORTANT
THAT WE DO THIS ON PAPER.
BUT WE DON'T NEED A PIECE
OF PAPER TO MAKE US HAPPY.
WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS
A MILLION TIMES.
I KNOW, BUT I STILL WANT IT
TO BE LEGAL.
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
I'M SORRY. LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME, I'M SORRY.
LISTEN, I DIDN'T GIVE YOU
THE REACTION THAT YOU WANTED,
BUT I'LL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER
THAT YOU WANT.
YES, I WILL MARRY YOU.
YES. I WILL MARRY YOU.
- PUT THE RING ON.
- OKAY, OKAY.
IT'S ON BACON.
IT SMELLS LIKE BACON.
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD LIKE THAT.
I DO. IT'S GONNA BE HARD
NOT TO EAT IT THOUGH.
IT'S REALLY--
IT'S REALLY PERFECT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW IF
I WANT YOU WEARING IT TO THE HOSPITAL.
- WHY NOT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I'M AFRAID
YOU'RE GONNA LOSE IT.
IT'S GONNA GET STUCK
IN SOMEONE'S INTESTINES
OR COME OFF
WITH YOUR GLOVE.
STUCK IN SOMEONE'S INTESTINE?
I'M NOT A SURGEON.
WHY WOULD MY HANDS
BE IN SOMEONE'S INTESTINE?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
HI, CHARLIE. HI, CHARLIE.
HI, BABY.
HI, MY BABY.
I MISSED YOU.
HI.
HI, MY PUPPY.
- HI, BABY. HI, SOPHIE.
- HI. HI.
- I MISSED YOU TODAY.
- AWW, I MISSED YOU TOO.
SETH?
HOW WAS THE HOSPITAL?
IT WAS EXHAUSTING.
I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO SIT
AND RELAX WITH MY FAMILY.
SETH?
SAY HELLO TO YOUR MOTHER.
HELLO. HI.
SETH,
ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR MOTHER.
YEAH, HE'S BEEN LIKE THAT
FOR THE PAST TWO HOURS.
YEAH, THAT'S SHOCKING.
I TRIED TO TURN HIM INTO A COUCH
POTATO LIKE HIS FRICKING FATHER, BUT NO.
THAT'S 'CAUSE HE'S GONNA BE
A SMART ONE LIKE HIS MOM.
OW, THAT'S NOT COOL.
I'M THE SMART ONE.
YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE LOOKS,
I'M THE ONE WITH THE BRAINS.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING WE COULD GET
THE RINGS TATTOOED ON OUR FINGERS.
OH, TATTOOED?
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
UH-UH.
I NEVER HAD
A TATTOO BEFORE.
I DON'T KNOW.
I CAN JUST WEAR THE RING HERE.
NO ONE WILL KNOW THAT YOU'RE TAKEN,
THAT YOU'RE OFF THE MARKET.
HELLO, SETH, I'M HOME. HI.
- HI, MOM.
NICE LUNCH YOU HAVE THERE.
ICE CUBES AND CHIPS?
GREAT.
HOPE YOU'RE STILL HUNGRY
FOR DINNER.
I AM NOT EATING
WHAT HE'S COOKING.
WHAT ARE YOU FEEDING US?
THEY'RE CORNISH GAME HENS.
IT'S NOT THE HEN PART
THAT I DON'T LIKE. THAT'S FINE.
I JUST DON'T LIKE THAT ITS ENTIRE BODY IS STILL INTACT
AND I HAVE TO STARE AT IT
AND IMAGINE IT'S STILL LIVING.
WHY ARE YOU IMAGINING
IT'S STILL LIVING?
SERIOUSLY, DO YOU DO THAT
WITH A BURGER OR A CHICKEN?
I CAN STILL CLEARLY SEE
AND NAME EACH BODY PART.
I SWEAR, IF I DIDN'T SEE YOU
COME OUT OF MY BODY--
EW, EW, MOM.
I WAS GONNA SAY IF I DIDN'T
SEE YOU COME OUT OF MY BODY,
I WOULD SWEAR
YOU WERE THE NEIGHBOR'S KID.
I AM NOT LIKE THOSE CRAZY
HIPPIE PETA PEOPLE.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE NOT A HIPPIE.
BUT CRAZY?
YEAH, MAYBE JUST A LITTLE.
LET ME HELP.
YOUR MOM CALLED TODAY.
OH, YEAH? WHY?
SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO KNOW
WHO TO MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO,
FOR YOUR TUITION PAYMENT.
OH, UM, I DON'T KNOW
SINCE THEY'VE CHANGED
OWNERSHIPS AT THE HOSPITAL.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER.
SAID THAT JUST
TO MAKE IT OUT TO CASH.
THAT WAY YOU CAN
FIGURE IT OUT.
- COOL.
- YEAH.
SHE'S GONNA SEND IT TOMORROW.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE BEST
HUSBAND EVER, RIGHT?
YEAH, I DO.
- WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE TO BE IN AT WORK?
AT 4:00.
- YESTERDAY YOU WENT IN AT 5:00.
YEAH, THAT'S BECAUSE I WANTED
TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU.
OKAY, SO TODAY YOU DON'T WANT
TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME?
THANK YOU FOR DEALING WITH ME
AND MY CRAZY SCHEDULE.
WELL, IT'S PURELY SELFISH,
YOU KNOW?
SOME DAY THE HOSPITAL WILL
BE PAYING YOU THE BIG BUCKS.
I'M GONNA HOLD ON
TO MY LITTLE SUGAR MAMA.
I KNEW YOU HAD A PLAN.
MEN ALWAYS HAVE A PLAN.
YEAH, WE DO.
BASICALLY, WE'RE DECEIVING,
CONNIVING LITTLE CREATURES.
AND SOME DAY,
WE'LL RULE THE WORLD.
WELL, AT LEAST YOU HAVE GOALS.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, IF YOU HAVE
TO BE AT WORK IN SIX HOURS,
WE BETTER GET MOVING.
- WELL, WHERE ARE WE GOING?
WE'LL STOP BY THE VIDEO STORE
AND THEN I WAS THINKING
THAT WE'D TAKE
A LITTLE FIELD TRIP.
- A FIELD TRIP?
- YES, A FIELD TRIP.
- AWESOME.
- MOM, STOP KICKING ME.
OH, YOU USED TO LET ME KICK YOU.
NO, I NEVER DID.
HEY, I HAVE A NEW LOONEY BIN.
YOU WANT TO PLAY?
I WOULD LOVE TO PLAY,
BUT I WANT TO FINISH THIS MOVIE
SO THAT I CAN GET BACK
TO MY BOOK.
- NERD.
- SHUT UP, DAD.
SERIOUSLY, I THINK I PREFERRED
IT WHEN HE COULDN'T SPEAK.
* THOSE WERE THE DAYS
I CAN HEAR YOU GUYS.
SO WHAT TIME YOU WANT ME
TO WAKE YOU UP?
UM, LIKE 3:00.
THANK YOU, BABY.
DINNER WAS REALLY GOOD.
I KNOW.
IT'S 'CAUSE I COOKED IT.
UH-HUH.
I CAN'T WAIT
FOR THIS WEEKEND.
TWO YEARS AGO, I GAVE UP
ON EVER MEETING
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
AND AS SOON
AS I STOPPED LOOKING,
THERE YOU CAME
AND SWEPT ME OFF MY FEET.
AND YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND
AND YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE
MY SOUL MATE.
AND NOTHING WOULD
MAKE ME HAPPIER
THAN IF YOU'D BE MY WIFE.
SOPH?
SOPH?
MARRY ME.