Englishman in L.A: The Movie (2017) - full transcript

My name is Tom Dingle.

I'm from Oxford, England.

Uh, I'm an author, and
I'm currently in LA.

Oh, and um, my
bestselling British novel

may be getting
turned into a movie.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hi, I'm here to
see Cassidy Clark.

Oh, hi Tom.

Uh, sorry, have we met?

Oh, sorry, no.

I'm Penny, I'm one of
the writer's assistants.



Nice to meet you.

I just got done
reading the script.

Uh, what script?

Dove at War script.

Dove at what?

Don't worry,
it's just a draft.

But they, they
didn't even ask me.

You know, I loved
The Lonesome Dove.

I thought that the dove
dying was a metaphor

for the sacrifice
and the rebirth

of the love between Molly
and Demetrius post war.

That's exactly it.

Really?

No one's ever got that before.



This way Tom.

I'm so sorry, I
have to run, but...

Oh, don't worry,
you'll see me around.

(PHONE RINGING)

Sorry.

Sammy, hi.

Yes.

Yes, we are on for tonight, but

I have to run.

Okay.

Done?

They love you, Tom.

They love the book, it's
gonna be a huge hit.

Yes, but I've heard that
they've written a script,

I didn't agree to that.

This is Tom.

This is W. Leibowitz from
the head of Cinema Studios.

And you remember
my assistant Brad.

They love Dove at War.

(HAND CLAPPING)

Love Dove at War, Tom.

Great work.

Tally-ho.

Picture this, Tom.

Dove at War is set
in the future, mm hm.

Our two protagonists,
Molly and Demetrius,

are separated by a war
between man and alien.

And they communicate by dove.

It's a completely
different story.

But that dove is
actually an alien.

(SNAP) It's genius. (LAUGHS)

(HAND CLAPPING)

It's a, It's a
completely different story.

Uh huh, but they still
communicate by dove.

But, but it's absurd.

CASSIDY: It's still a war.

But it's, it's
not World War II.

Excuse us.

Look on me, these
guys at Cinema Studios,

they know what works, okay?

We're willing to bring
you on other rewrites,

give you a producer credit.

You don't get deals like that

handed to you on a silver
platter in this town.

Well I, I think I need
to think about this.

Do you know how,

how hard, how hard I had
to work to make this deal

with the studio?

I'm sure you
worked very hard, but

but I really should...

Excuse us.

Do you know how fucking hard
I worked to get this deal?

You know how hard?

You're an incredible talent,

but you have got to trust me.

And you gotta be open to change.

Uh, yes but do we have
to change the whole story?

Of course not.

You can do your rewrites

and put your foot down
on certain changes,

how's that sound?

I think it would be okay.

Sign here, Tom.

Here.

Um, I think I
need to read this.

Trust me, Tom.

Let's just say he's
not the only one with a

particular set of skills.

Tommy, Tommy Dingle Dangle, ah.

Mm, sign it.

Ah!

Yeah, thank you.

He's in.

This way, Tom.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm Doll, your assistant.

Oh, I'm sorry, I,

I don't need an assistant.

You have a busy
day ahead, Tom.

We have publicist in one minute,

stylist at 12:00, haircut
at 3:00, trainer at 4:00,

and red carpet for Herpes
Foundation at 4:30.

Can I get you anything,
cocaine, coffee, tea?

What?

Okay, groovy, let's get going.

This way.

They always say no at first, but

you'll see.

(LIGHT MARIMBA MUSIC)

So yeah, she's a hot one.

Yeah, I can arrange something.

All right, sounds good.

We'll talk.

Tom, how you doing?

I'm very good, thanks.

So, Cassidy spoke
highly of you, but

I don't kiss ass, okay?

Now, I looked at
your online presence

which was definitely
interesting.

I mean it isn't fucking awful.

But, seriously, what's
with the bird thing?

Oh, well uh, I'm
an avid birdwatcher.

I recently went to
Tanzania with my father

and we watched the night
owls and the button quails.

Okay, we're gonna
have to lose it.

Uh, what do you mean?

It just does not fit
into your new image.

My new image?

Young Hollywood, Tom.

Sharp, mysterious,
no more birds.

Something more like this.

Oh, wow, uh, who's that girl?

Oh, she's your new girlfriend.

Katya Aura, you like?

I don't have a girlfriend.

Uh, so sorry, what do you mean?

Ah, she's great, Tom, and

you'll just be going to
all the events with her,

she'll be on your arm.

Uh, what events are these?

Magazine parties, art
openings, charity events,

you do like charity, right Tom?

Oh, uh yes, I'm
actually on the board

for the International Bird...

Okay, enough with the birds.

I hate birds.

You like art, right?

Yes, I'm quite versed
in Anglo-Saxon tapestry.

What?

Anyway, you're just gonna
go to more charity events

and art openings.

Actually, tonight you're gonna
go the Herpes Foundation.

And you're gonna go with Katya,

she's gonna walk
the carpet with you.

The Herpes Foundation?

The Herpes
Foundation fundraiser

is one of Hollywood's
biggest nights.

I've heard of celebrities
who purposely contract herpes

just so they can walk
on the red carpet.

Um, but I have a date.

Tom, I worked
really fucking hard

to get you into this event.

What time is this date?

5:30.

Well, the event
starts at 4:00.

You can make both, great.

Go meet your stylist,
she's gonna suit you up.

But, do you think I actually

- have time...
- Tom, one more thing.

Can you do that
whole Hugh Grant bit?

I, uh, no...

(LAUGHS) I love it.

I wasn't actually
doing Hugh Grant.

Just go, Tom.

Thank you.

(PHONE RINGING)

No, we want the cover.

In return, I'll give you
some more dirt on Bieber.

Yeah, he went to
Thailand last month.

He loved long time.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Tommy, baby, Tommy, ding dong!

Look at you,

no, no, no, no, and no.

Ooh, what are we
gonna do with you?

'Cause that don't
twerk, baby, ha!

I am Shana Vogue,

and I am Tom's stylist.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hurt
your little feelings.

You's as cute as a button,

but we gotta get you red
carpet ready, baby girl.

Right.

Yes, uh, okay.

This is a hot new designer.

He's designed for
Miley, Gaga, RiRi.

Bitch is cray.

I can't wear that.

Okay, well,

then, mm.

Why don't you try this on?

Come on, Tom.

I don't have all day.

Mm.

When Tom walked in,

oh Lordy, I thought
it was my tax guy.

Brooks Brothers on a
20-year-old, God forbid.

You know, I do girls too.

I'm all right, thanks.

Think about it.

Come on.

Eh.

Okay, stop.

We've been going about
this all sorts of wrong.

You're British,
and British means

royal, traditional, bad
teeth, but still sexy.

(GASP) I know what you need.

Try this and, um,

(GASP) this. (LAUGHS)

Come on.

(GASP) C-U-T-E twerk it!

Um, is that a good thing?

Ooh, you're makin'
me sweat, Tom.

H-O-T!

Okay.

I quite like the Ben Sherman.

Ooh!

Work it and twerk it!

I said, work it and twerk it!

I said, work it and twerk it!

- Work it an tw...
- Twerk it!

Sit down!

Okay, try on the next.

And oh, try these.

Oliver Peoples, darling.

Simply divine.

Hm.

You should let
those breathe, here.

What?

Okay.

TOMMY: Ready.

(SHANA GASPS)

Ah!

Shana!

Are you okay?

Tom.

Ya look good enough to eat!

Well, thank you.

I do feel pretty good.

You look great.

Pretty good?

You should feel
great in that suit!

Well, do you?

Shana, I'm not sure
I can do all this,

this young Hollywood thing,
I don't think I have the...

Confidence?

Zing, je ne sais quoi?

Yes, how do you do it?

Tom, you just have to feel
comfortable in your own skin.

Look, it took me
25 seasons of Oprah

and three seasons of
RuPaul's Drag Race

to think like a queen.

See, a queen isn't
afraid to fail.

Failure is but a stepping
stone to greatness.

Now, you just have to
find your inner queen.

Or king.

Or whatever works.

My inner queen.

Or king.

I think I can do that.

There you go.

And, as they say,

fake it until you make it.

You can fake it, right?

God knows I have.

Yeah, I can fake it.

Praise Gaga!

That is what you're
wearing tonight.

Thank you, Shana.

You've been a savior in
this whirlwind of a day.

I'm really starting to look
forward to this herpes party.

Uh, Shana.

Um, do you want to come

to the Herpes Foundation
fundraiser tonight?

Shit!

Shit?

Shit yes, I'll come!

What am I gonna wear?

Hm.

I love the, the blue
jacket that you got.

Oh, thank you,
Cassidy's calling.

Oh, okay.

Hi Cassidy.

Uh, I'm,

you didn't hear my answer.

I said I'm great, we just got
some new clothes actually.

BOTH: Ah!

(MANIACAL LAUGHING)

Hey Tom.

Molly!

Oh, oh wait, oh, so
now you know my name?

Raw meat, really?

Has she not heard of Salmonella?

This is all a big
misunderstanding.

A misunderstanding?

I understand perfectly well.

The last time I saw
you you called me a cow

and you had me escorted
out of your book signing

by security guards!

No I didn't!

Ah, oh, so now you're
calling me a liar?

Molly is what you
can call a fan girl

or ex-fan girl

now that she hates me.

You better keep those
cameras real close, Tom,

because the second
you turn your back,

it's gonna be misery for you.

Ah, ah!

SHANA: Tom, Tom!

(LAUGHS) The Gaga meat
dress is so tired.

Just wear the Ben Sherman.

He's London cute,
not Los Angeles cute.

I mean, he's not my type, but

I wouldn't say no.

I'm so sorry, um, let's
get you a new shirt.

Work!

We're here at the Herpes
Foundation fundraiser,

one of the biggest
nights in Hollywood.

Welcome back, I'm Ryan Seaview
with A-list Hollywood News.

(DRAMATIC DRUMS AND STRINGS)

And it looks like the
guests are already arriving

on the red carpet.

Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor!

Looking fantastic,
what are you wearing?

Um...

And as I understand, you
actually have a friend out here,

a newcomer to Hollywood,
Tom Dingle, is that correct?

Yes, that's right.

I met Tom in England,
he's so sweet.

Now, repeat after me.

BOTH: I'm a queen,
I'm a queen, I'm a queen.

CREW MEMBER: Shana Vogue.

Bye bitch.

TAYLOR: So just
show up and look good

'cause the most important thing

is that you feel good, right?

Oh, and look who it is, Carly.

Hi.

How you doin' t...

Muah, you're so cute, Ryan!

Absolutely, thank you,
I appreciate it, and...

Oh my god, Taylor!

There she is.

Go get her.

She is such a skank. (LAUGHS)

That she is, thank you.

Okay, well thank you, Carly.

Think of the red
carpet as a jungle.

With Tom's new look
and Katya on his arm,

he's graduated from being
a mouse to an eagle.

Tom, Katya.

Katya, Tom.

Hi Tom, pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you, Katya.

Put your arm
around Katya's waist.

Is that okay?

Sure.

GIOVANNI: Smile
for the cameras.

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

Katya looks...

Wow.

You are the one who founded
the Herpes Foundation,

is that correct?

Yes, indeed, that is, yes.

Oh, oh.

When people think of me,

they think herpes.

I wanted to, to really
shine a light on herpes.

Yeah, well there's
a big light tonight.

It's a proud night
for herpes, Ryan.

It's one proud night,
that's very accurate.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Katya really knew what she
was doing on the red carpet.

I was lucky to be with her.

Looking beautiful as
always, thank you so much.

Have a good time inside.

Thank you so much.

It's right over here.

Now Tom, why do you support
the Herpes Foundation?

I uh.

We support it because
there's no cure yet.

Anyone can get herpes,
not just hookers,

and until we find a cure,
people will still look gross.

Katya, and Tom, do
you have genital herpes?

Excuse me?

Have you ever
had genital herpes?

No, Tom doesn't have them

but feels deeply
for those who have.

Do you have them, Ryan?

You would know, Katya.

Shut up, Ryan.

Okay, you can go
now, here, you can.

Over this way.

Okay, thank you, thank you.

Hey Tom!

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

PAPARRAZO: Oh my God!

I am Molly Summers!

Molly out!

PAPARRAZO:
Molly, Molly, Molly!

Anthrax!

(HYSTERICAL SCREAMS)

(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

It was so great meeting you.

You too, I'm sorry about
the white powder thing.

What a bitch.

It's fine.

So, you really have to leave?

Uh, I'm sorry, I really do.

Well, we have to do
this again some time.

I loved hearing
about the bored owl.

It's the barred owl.

Right the bod owl,
it sounds so cute.

It is.

Goodnight, Katya.

Goodnight, Tom.

Sammy.

Tom.

Are you okay?

Oh yeah, I was just sleeping.

Oh, um, okay.

You're late.

I'm so sorry, I was
at this red carpet event

with this model.

It was all set up by my
agent and my publicist.

How was it?

Oh uh, it was, it was crap.

Have you been doing coke?

What?

You got like...

No, oh.

No, this Molly girl, she
threw powder on me and

it, it's a long story.

What's happening
with the movie?

Oh uh, it's going ahead.

That's great, oh my God.

Did I tell you I
was an actress also?

No, no you didn't,
that's fantastic.

Maybe you could be in the movie.

(GASP) I would love that.

You know, when I
was reading the book

I really connected with the
Molly Summers character,

it's just so serendipitous.

I didn't know
Sammy was an actress,

but maybe she's pretty good.

Do you have a lot of
acting experience?

(CLEARING THROAT) If you
prick us, do we not bleed?

If you tickle us,
(GIGGLES) do we not laugh?

If you wrong us,
shall we not revenge?

Sammy, you know
Shakespeare, brava!

♪ If you like penis coladas

I thought it was pina coladas.

♪ And getting caught in the rain

That's incredible.

Molly Summers sings
in The Lonesome Dove.

I know that, silly,
I read the book.

Mm, Tom.

What's wrong?

You just look
so hot right now.

No I don't.

Yeah, it's the new suit.

You look like a rock star.

Uh hah, no.

Thank you.

Excuse.

I have to tinkle.

Didn't need to know that, but

if you have to go,
you have to go.

Don't go anywhere,
you big Hollywood stud.

I won't.

Yeah, we're at the
Farmer's Daughter.

Tom Dingle is
cheating on Katya Aura

with this actress Sammy Monroe.

Sammy Monroe.

Whatever, he's just
cheating on Katya

with this really hot girl.

TOM: That was such
a lovely evening,

we have to do this again...

Tom, Tom!

Right here, right here Tom!

Are you dating Katya Aura?

No, no I'm not.

Miss, what's your name?

Who is this?

Sammy Monroe, singer,
actress, songwriter.

(CAR HORN)

Tom, Sammy, hop in!

PHOTOGRAPHER: One more, Tom!

That's right.

That's right, baby.

Work it.

You're safe with me, boy.

Thank you.

Oh my God, that little
tart, what is she wearing?

Ah, somebody must
have called TMZ.

What's TMZ?

They're the Hollywood
vampires, Tom.

TMZ, sucking on
anything for a story.

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

You said you weren't with her.

I'm not.

I saw you two together,
you were on the red carpet.

I saw you on TV.

Yes, but it was all set up.

Oh my God, what a mess.

My father is going
to be furious.

Tom, I will speak
to your father,

but I think you should
stay at my place tonight.

Come on, gang.

TOM: What a day.

Yes, well I've got
some nice kibbles

and a bottle of gin at home.

(LIGHT MARIMBA MUSIC)

Tom, tom.

Wake up.

Doll, how did you get in here?

I have my ways.

Cassidy is calling.

Tom, were you asleep?

Uh, no, no, no, I

I mean, yes, I was, I'm sorry.

Tommy, what did
you do yesterday?

Uh, I don't know.

You're in every paper.

I have the Hello
reporter asking me,

me, Cassidy Clark,
for an interview.

I'm so sorry, this is
all a big misunderstanding.

CASSIDY: Tom,
it's incredible.

The red carpet anthrax incident
has put you on the map.

You can't buy this
kinda publicity.

So, it's a good thing?

Uh, the rule of thumb in
this town is being relevant,

and boy are you relevant.

But, we have damage
control, you know?

I need you in the writer's
room today at noon, so

pick up your British butt,
your little naked butt

over there, yeah, I see you

and uh, get over there
pronto, okay, ciao.

Uh.

You'll be needing these.

And this.

And these.

Ooh.

Morning, Tom!

Hi, Will.

Who is this young filly?

Oh uh, this is
my assistant Doll.

Good morning, Doll.

Howdy.

Wow, uh.

Ha ha.

So sorry, Will,
we're in a such a rush.

I've gotta deal with,
um, press stuff and

the writer's room.

Ah, the writer's room,

I remember the writer's
room so fondly.

The writer's room, such fun.

Did you know that I was
one of the original writers

on, let's see what
was the show, um...

So sorry Will,
gotta go, but um,

I'll call you.

Please.

Use your telephone,
your, your mobile.

Cocky little bastard.

Where did Tom go?

He trusts us, that's
all that matters.

I need to play Molly
Summers in that movie,

and we need the money.

You will, don't
worry, Squirrel.

I'll get that cocky little shit.

He'll be sorry.

(WRITERS CHATTERING)

So sorry I'm late, guys.

Um, so uh, what are
we talking about?

I'm sorry, who is this guy?

He's the author of
the book, remember?

Cute.

I love a stiff Brit.

I know how to make
a blockbuster.

It involves the three As,

action, aliens, and ass.

Course, if you're making
a porno it's the three Bs,

butts, bosoms, and balls.

But I don't make those anymore.

I'm just not convinced
we need the dove.

Yeah, I agree, it's cheesy.

Cut it, Penny.

Excuse me, I say cut it, Dick.

Cut it, Penny.

The name Demetrius
is not very relatable.

How about Stan?

It's very manly.

Yeah.

Stan.

Where are my Skittles, where?

Here they are.

Uh, I told you to
remove the green ones.

God Grace Jones, honey, can
you not do anything right?

I'm sorry, must have...

Just leave them.

Okay.

Does he have to be British?

Uh, excuse me, but
Demetrius has to be British.

Eh, his name is a direct
reference to Shakespeare and

has connotations
of unrequited love.

The last thing
we need around here

is another British writer.

I'm enough.

Penny, can you have a
word with Mr. Dangle?

Dingle, my name is Tom Dingle.

- Whatever.
- Oh my! (HISSES)

Could someone get
him some catnip?

He can dingle my dangle any day.

Uh, Tom, come with me.

He's been here five minutes.

Okay, Tom, this is gonna
be hard for you to hear, but

those guys in there, they
have no idea who you are.

Unless you're in Oprah's
Book Club, you're

kind of C-list.

They're gonna make some changes

and they don't really
care what you have to say.

Uh, why am I even here
if they're gonna change

the whole story?

They won't change
the whole story.

I will make sure of that.

Look, I've been doing
this for a while.

If you wanna be heard,
just take my advice,

just shut up.

I, I mean, you have to
show that you can be quiet,

and I mean, just
don't say anything.

Unless asked, but
if you are asked,

do not give an opinion,
just say something like

oh, we should look in to that,

or maybe.

Okay.

Okay?

Now, I'm thinking we need

a big bang right in the
beginning, you know,

something heart-wrenching

but on steroids.

What if?

Stan's parents

are killed

by German fighter pilots?

Maybe.

Maybe what?

Maybe we should
look into that.

You're right, Tom.

Oh okay, that's
enough for today.

See you all bright and early.

Nice work today, Tom.

Thanks, Massimo.

See, you did it.

Wasn't that bad, was it?

It was okay.

See you tomorrow.

Thanks, Penny.

Oh.

- Hello, Tom!
- Oh, oh my God!

Molly, Molly, wait,
wait, wait, don't,

don't throw anything!

Wait, this is all a
big misunderstanding.

Why don't we just

get to know each other a little?

You wanna get to know me?

Yes.

Get a coffee or something?

Yes.

Now?

Molly is crazy!

Wait, if you are
messing with me, I swear.

I'm not, um, how about
dinner tonight, uh,

at the Daily Dose, seven
o'clock, with my friends.

Dinner?

The Daily Dose, wow you,

you really know how
to treat a lady.

Okay, all right!

Yeah no, I'm excited,
that sounds good.

Um, I had you all wrong.

If he is messing with me, I
will fucking castrate him!

So, how's your week going?

Uh, it's been quite eventful.

Oh yeah, what happened?

Well, as you know the
movie's going ahead, but

they keep changing the story.

Mm, how so?

Well, first of all, they're
setting it in the future.

Oh, that's interesting,
did you tell them about me?

Um, no, not yet, but
we're not even casting yet.

Tom, they start casting the
moment they start writing.

You have to tell them about me,

you're the one with the power.

Well, that's the thing,
I'm not sure if I am.

They laughed at me in
the writer's room and

and I was told I need to
play by the new guy rules.

Okay, Tom, this is
a cut-throat town.

You have to exercise
your power, okay?

Don't be afraid of those guys.

You wrote a beautiful book,

don't let them take
that away from you.

Right.

So then, you'll
tell them, right?

That I'm playing Molly Summers.

Uh, yes, yes.

Yay, (CLAPS) fantabulous!

I just realized, I
have to meet William.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I know, silly,
William invited me.

Oh I, I didn't realize.

I talked to him, it's fine.

Just take a deep breath.

Everything is going great,
you should be proud.

Hello!

William.

SAMMY: Hey.

Oh sorry, are we late?

No no, Tom, relax, relax.

Tom, Tom, is that you?

- Oh, Molly!
- Hi!

Hi.

Hi!

- Hi.
- Uh, should we, okay.

What is she doing here?

I invited Molly just
to, to square things over.

I'm not having dinner with
her after what she did to you.

I'm sorry,

- what was that?
- No, no, no, no!

Calm down everyone, please!

You wanna go?

- Okay, she's fucking...
- Calm down, calm down.

Please, look, obviously
there's been a spot of trouble.

But we Brits, we pride ourselves
on being well-mannered.

Isn't that right, Tom?

Yes, that, that is right.

So, please, sit
down, everyone.

Be nice, sit down,
let's be adults.

Let's have a pleasant dinner!

That sounds fine by me.

Fine, whatever.

Darling!

She's with the dogs.

Hi, I'm Candy,
I'll be your server.

Hi, Candy, um, we will
have three waters, please.

I'm sorry?

Uh, three waters, please.

Is that it?

(LAUGHS) Um, can
we please have, uh,

three waters for the table?

Oh, you're ready to order?

I haven't even given
you your menus.

No no, no, three waters.

And uh, a round of these
lovely Queen's Pink Bottoms.

Ah, thank you for
clarifying that, William.

Yes.

I mean, wouldn't be my
first pink bottom. (LAUGHS)

know what I mean?

Pink bottom?

Okay, I'm uncomfortable.

And that is how I got into
helping disabled children.

Incredible.

Tom, I, I do charity as well.

No you don't.

I do, I help the homeless.

I help feed them every week.

You should, you should
come by some time.

Candy!

Another round of Pink Bottoms.

William, a little drunk
from the first round.

- Oh, man up Tom!
- Oh stop, come on.

Go on, tell me.

What have they changed thus far?

Um, well, they're
changing Demetrius

into a guy, American
guy named Stan.

And who are the head writers?

Um, Massimo Maximiliano

and this little twerp
called Dick. (GASP)

(LAUGHS) He doesn't like you.

I'm probably being silly.

Yes, you absolutely
are being silly then.

Drink up, drink up.

I'm very drunk, Will...

Keep getting drunker,
Tom, for Britain!

For Queen and country!

Yeah!

What was that joke
you were telling?

It wouldn't be my
first pink bottom.

(LAUGHS)

I don't get it.

Tom, what if Sammy and I
just pop by the writer's room

tomorrow just to say hello?

Well, I'm, I'm not sure
if that's a good idea.

Come on man, we
won't be a minute.

We'll be in, we'll be out,
we'll say hello, and you know.

I don't know if I'm allowed.

Oh, you're allowed.

You're definitely allowed.

Totally.

Totally.

Um, okay, why not?

Okay, so I'm
bored now. (LAUGHS)

I'm gonna go, but this
was really lovely.

You are very, I'm
gonna, I'm gonna.

There it is, okay, all right,
okay I think my Uber's here.

Wait, no, that's my Uber!

That's my Uber!

Molly.

That's my Uber.

May I attend to you?

Oh absolutely,
okay, hi, you're tiny.

WILLIAM: That's
her fucking Uber!

Tommy, let me get
for you, that's okay.

It was divine, but she's
crazy so you need to,

you need to watch
out for that one.

Mm, she's lovely.

She just threw
shit on you, okay,

so she's not lovely.

Dinner tonight with
Tom was literally

the greatest night
of my entire life.

I mean, other than that
skank interrupting us

every two seconds, it's like,

I always knew that Tom and I
had this amazing connection but

oh my God, it's like, it's
like we're all a lonesome dove

searching for our
other lonesome dove.

DICK: William, I'm so
glad you came by, and then...

Tom, why didn't
you introduce us

to this fantastic actress?

Oh my goodness, she's
just delightful!

So, William is going to be
joining us from now on, Tom.

You should have
brought him before.

PENNY: Okay guys,
can we get to work?

Very well, where
are my Skittles?

Yeah, on it.

(MASSIMO HISSES)

Ingrate.

MASSIMO: Dickypoo,
what do you got?

William has some great ideas.

William?

Shut up, Tom, and
let the man speak.

Thanks, Dick.

Well, I think the story being
set in the future is great.

Stan should fall in
love with Molly, but

Molly, wait for it,

is a spy!

DICK: That's a twist.

Molly can't carry
on being a spy

because she loves Stan too much.

And so, she sends
the alien dove,

and Molly must adventure
to alien planet.

William, why are even here?

Well, you invited
us last night.

Didn't he?

- Yes, he did.
- You invited us.

Can we get this down
on paper by tomorrow?

I need to see it on the page,

Penny can you get on it?

Sure, I got it.

Now, wait one minute.

I may be new here, but this
doesn't make any sense.

Stan has to be British,

and Molly can't be a spy.

We have to focus on
what's important here,

we have to focus on the story.

The lovers are
separated by a war.

Chill, Tom, calm
your ass down.

Oh my God.

Now look, Molly has
got to be American,

I don't want this to
be a Brit fest, okay?

American actors need
to work too, ya know?

Fine.

Molly can be American.

Someone get him
some catnip, please.

God, all right, kittens.

Let's call it.

I need a martini
and a back rub, God.

DICK: She'll do it.

MASSIMO: Come on, Dick,
and don't forget my Skittles.

Tom, let me explain.

Just leave me alone.

Tom, wait!

Tom just come on.

I can't believe they
would do this to me.

My dad was right,

I am stupid for coming to LA.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Molly?

Absolutely, just
text me the address.

Tom, wait!

(FEET DRAGGING AWAY)

Um, what is this place?

Does it matter, it's a bar?

Good point.

Um, two, uh, Jager
shots, please.

Yeah, now we're
talkin', shots.

Uh, bottoms up.

Okay, wait no no, here.

Ah.

All right, two more.

Uh.

No no, yeah, it's happening.

Ah.

- Uh.
- Ha ha.

All right, let's get
real for a second, okay?

When I called you earlier,

it seemed like you
were in like a panic.

Yeah, I walked into
the writer's room

and there's William and
Sammy just sitting there.

Sitting there, that's cra...

Who, who are William and Sammy?

William and Sammy.

From dinner the other night.

Oh, right, right.

Okay, all right, why were
they in the writer's room?

Sammy is now playing
Molly Summers in the film.

Wait, what?

That doesn't make any sense.

Molly's so innocent
and that Sammy girl was

kinda trampy.

I know.

I just,

I just thought they
were my friends.

I mean, how can
people be so cruel?

I know, sugar tits.

Ah, it's this place!

LA makes people crazy.

Mm hm.

You know, I'll be your friend.

You will?

Yeah.

And I would never do any
of those things to you.

I'd do other things to you, but.

Thank you, Molly.

Molly.

Such a pretty name.

Thanks, Tom.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Uh.

(KNOCKING)

LADY: Room service.

I, I didn't order
any room service.

LADY: (knocking) Room
service for Mr. Dingle.

Doll?

Late night?

What are you doing here?

It's my job.

Yes, but you followed me?

- No.
- Oh.

No, of course I
don't follow you.

You wanker!

I can't believe
you slept with her.

I mean, at least Sammy's
hot in like a slutty way,

but you'll just get
with any old bicycle.

Oh, shut up!

My head is literally killing me.

Wait, wait a minute,
who the hell are you?

I'm his future wife.

Huh, yeah, okay.

Honestly, how could
you do this to us?

Us, what, what are
you talking about?

I mean, we were meant
to be together, Tom, but

you just ruined everything.

Doll, have you lost your mind?

You're my assistant.

I know I'm your
fucking assistant, Tom.

Okay, get the camera
outta my face!

Why do you think I
became your assistant?

I'm your biggest fan, Tom.

Oh, wait, no, hell no
bitch, I'm his biggest fan!

Shut up!

But honestly, you just
ruined everything.

I can't deal with
this right now.

Uh, Molly, I will
call you later.

Do not walk away from me
when I'm talking to you, Tom!

(WEEPING) Tom, no, I
want my English muffin!

I want my English muffin!

Finally, Molly
has calmed down.

Now I have Doll going crazy.

Will you be my friend?

Tom?

Katya?

Late night?

Yes, I mean, at
least I think so.

Are you okay?

You look a little upset.

Yeah, I've just been having
a really tough time with

everything, my friends, I
thought I could trust them and

doesn't matter.

No, it does, I understand.

People in this town are
all out for themselves.

You just gotta find the
people you can trust, ya know?

It's like Marilyn Monroe said,

"Hollywood's a place where
they'll pay you $1000 for a kiss

"and 50 cents for you soul."

Yeah, you're right.

Thank you, Katya.

You're one of the few
people who've been genuinely

nice to me, not trying to
get anything out of me.

I just treat people the
way I like to be treated.

I'm no Mother Teresa.

But look, if there's anything
I can do to help, let me know.

Katya, do you
wanna be in my film?

Dove at War?

Sure, but I'd have
to read the script,

and I don't do nudity
despite what people say.

There is no nudity.

Do you mind coming
with me somewhere?

Now?

It would be a big help.

Hm.

WILLIAM: Did you
become, uh, activist...

Tom, you're late.

And it's not fashionable.

Who does he think
he is, Elton John?

Oh, it's so nice of you to
decide to show up, Mr. Dangle.

Oh my God.

Ah, ah, ah!

Katya, hi.

Hi, Mr. Maximiliano.

We go way back, this one.

What is she doing here?

Katya is gonna be
playing Molly Summers

in Dove at War.

No, I'm playing Molly Summers.

Oh, calm down Sammy, we'll
find another part for you.

- Katya, is this true?
- So unfair.

I'd love to if you'll have me.

Of course we'll have you.

Oh, look at you ya bombshell.

Oh, sit down, come, sit.

Ah!

(WHISTLING)

I shouldn't tell because
I was throwing a goog...

William, come here.

One, one second, Tom.

Now!

Yeah, all right.

Don't get your
knickers in a twist.

Look, I know it must
seem strange yesterday,

but it just happened,
right, just, you know?

I know your secret, William.

What do you mean?

You're not British.

(LAUGHING) What a, what
a bunch of Dumbledore,

I'm British through and through.

You see, it first occurred
to me at the restaurant

when you said water.

We don't say water
William, we say water.

What, yeah, uh, Tom, I don't
know what you mean, water,

I mean eh, I went to
Cambridge with your father.

Yes, and came back a Brit.

You haven't spoken to
my father in years.

And I realized, us
Brits have manners.

You just forced your way
into the writer's room.

You're not from
England, William,

you're from Bakersfield.

California.

And unless you want me to out
you to everyone in Hollywood,

you better get the
hell off my movie.

Oh come on, Tom, of
course I'm British.

How else would I know a
Lannister always pays his debts?

William, that's
from Game of Thrones.

Do you watch it?

All right, look.

Can we talk, Tom, I mean look,
we can work something out.

They love the accent, I'd be
nothin' without it, and, so...

Everyone, I have
an announcement.

William is...

Leaving.

Yes, William is
leaving, everybody.

I'm sorry I can't work the film.

My, my, chinchilla
just gave birth.

- Yes, ha!
- Aw.

I'll be, um, needing to
take care of the litter.

Yes, so, uh, we
have to go, Sammy.

I'm not leaving.

You're leaving, now!

Uhh!

DICK: Awkward.

Fine, whatever.

You guys can have your
ridiculous whatever movie.

But just remember this face

'cause I'm gonna be a star.

I'm gonna be a star!

Yeah.

Oh, get your hands off me.

She really is a great singer.

We'll send rewrites in the mail.

Remember my face.

Okay, um, why don't we
all take our seats and, uh...

DICK: Okay, children,
let's go from page 42...

Actually, Dick,

we'll start it
from the beginning.

The hell we're not.

Well, I guess I could
ask me and Katya to leave,

right Katya?

Exactly.

We, we could start...

Shut up, Dick!

Tom, please carry on.

Thank you.

We have a lot of work to do.

All right, kitty cats,
everyone back to the beginning.

Penny, do you wanna
go on a date tonight?

Yeah, sure.

What time?

7:00?

Sounds good.

(JAZZY MARIMBA AND
STRING BASS MUSIC)

(DRUM ROLL)

(ORCHESTRAL FANFARE)

(CAR ALARMS AND
THUNDEROUS RUMBLING)

(JOYFUL CHOIR)