Enemies (1971) - full transcript
♪ Bum bum biddy bum bum bum bum ♪
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(time bell rings)
♪ Yeah, bum bum bum bum ♪
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- A clean tablecloth!
A new, clean tablecloth!
It's gotta be a new, clean tablecloth.
It's got to be clean, clean, clean.
It's got to be new, new, new.
Clean and new!
All right, Miller?
Clean enough.
Shiny enough for you.
You satisfied?
Mm, why do I love you, Miller?
Why do I love you?
(scoffs)
Because, well, because I love you!
With your clean, clean glasses.
With your clean, clean silver.
With your fancy-schmancy toothpicks.
With your extra, extra napkins.
With your hot, hot coffee!
With your cold, cold ice water!
With your driving me crazy all the time!
If you'll drop dead yesterday, Miller,
it wouldn't be a minute too soon.
(clearing throat)
(door slams)
(meaningless vocalization)
(sharp rap)
(sighs)
(coughs)
(chair slams)
(grumbles)
(coughing)
(plate crashes)
- Gittelman, Gittelman.
Well, you did notice me finally, did you?
I'm here, Gittelman, I'm here!
It was an accident, Gittelman.
I'm telling you it was an accident.
I swear, as your old friend,
as your old enemy, an accident.
Gittelman, don't you even say, "Hello"?
Hm, you old rascal, you.
Hey, that, there, there, there!
Gittelman, there!
Let's do a good job!
And there.
Tell the truth, Gittelman,
if not for me, what
would this place be, eh?
A dirty dump of a sloppy, old restaurant!
Am I right?
- Whatever you say, Miller.
My me is whatever you say.
- Because I got you trained, haven't I?
Go on, go on, get rid of that.
(slams glass)
(grunts)
(grunts appreciatively)
(ringing glass)
Gittelman!
- [Gittelman] Coming!
(rings glass)
- Do you know what day this is?
Don't you even know what day this is?
- Thursday?
- No, not Thursday you fool.
What special day?
Think!
Gittelman, this is the fifth anniversary.
Today!
Five years ago today, I came
into this miserable dump
of a restaurant for the first time.
Now, what do you think of that, huh?
- To tell you the truth,
I thought it was longer.
- Five years I've been
giving you my business.
Come here every day to
eat this abominable food.
And to be served
by the most incompetent
waiter ever put on this earth.
Five days a week for five years!
And you're not satisfied?
- I'm satisfied, I'm satisfied!
Did you hear me complain, Miller?
- You would dare to complain
about a customer like me?
Gittelman, how much tip
do I leave you every time?
Five days a week, every single time,
how much tip do I leave you, huh?
- 30 cents.
- And in a week?
- A dollar and a half.
- And in a year?
- 52 and 26.
78 dollars.
- And that's just for one year, isn't it?
Now we got five years to multiply that by.
Go on, go on!
- 35 and three is 39.
390 dollars.
- 390 dollars that I,
personally, have given you.
Just for handing me this slop!
Just for this miserable service!
- Miller, for the 390 dollars, thank you.
But for that, I give you the best.
And you know that's the truth, Miller.
- Because I trained you!
I taught you how to be a real waiter!
I've devoted myself to you, Gittelman.
- Well, you also getting something.
Personal service, a private restaurant!
We don't open for dinner till 6 o'clock,
but you insist on coming
here every day at 5.
- Of course.
You expect me to eat with the
riff-raff that comes in here?
Selig's Restaurant, a
rendezvous of the lower classes.
I have to get here before your
miserable customers arrive
in order to get anything decent,
to be served like a gentleman.
Because I trained you!
You and that creature
in that sloppy kitchen
who imagines he's a chef!
- Miller, you also get a
pretty good meal for $2.75.
Don't forget that.
- Oh?
Let's look into that, Gittelman.
Let's, hand me a menu and
we'll just look into this!
What do you do with this,
dip it in the chicken soup?
Now, a magnificent dinner for $2.75.
Is that what you call it?
- Who said magnificent?
All I said was it's not
a bad meal for the price.
- All right, let's look into that, now.
Let's just look into it.
Complete dinner, $2.75.
Now let's see what this means.
Appetizer or soup.
Or soup.
Not and soup.
Or soup.
That's not very complete
right there, is it?
- Well, a bar mitzvah banquet it's not.
- All right, let's see
now the splendid choice
that Selig's offers his customers.
Fish!
Two kinds of fish.
Now, that's a choice, isn't it?
The sea is swarming with
every type of creature.
The fish markets are loaded down
with the delicacies of the deep.
And Selig's gives his customers
a choice of two kinds of fish!
- And what about the herring?
That's not a fish?
- No, what's the use?
Talk to you, talk to the wall.
Gittelman, for $2.75 I can feed
myself at home like a king!
- So why do you come
here every day to suffer?
- What do you expect me
to do, shop for food?
Cook my own dinner?
Clean up the dirty dishes?
I am retired, Gittelman.
I am a retired gentleman.
A widower and retired.
Retired from active life
due to an unfortunate physical condition
which has undermined my health.
I'm a sick man.
- I should be so sick.
- Inside, Gittelman.
Inside, I'm rotting away.
I take 17 pills a day!
And you want me to exhaust
myself preparing meals
when I can be served like
a gentleman in restaurant?
- So how come you pick this
restaurant to be a gentleman?
- Because of you!
You, Gittelman!
What other restaurant in the whole world
has a Gittelman to amuse
me, to entertain me?
I wait every day just
to watch you perform.
Begin, Gittelman.
Begin your act!
- So what are you talking about?
- The menu.
I am waiting to hear
your personal, inside,
straight from the kitchen recommendations.
What shall I have today, Gittelman, eh?
I'm listening.
- You like roast beef?
(inarticulate agreement)
So, don't take it.
- So don't, so don't take it?
(chuckles) That's wonderful.
Why?
Why shouldn't I take the roast beef?
- Because yesterday it
was in better condition.
(laughs)
- Oh, Gittelman, you're priceless!
You're a treasure!
Yes, tell me, what should I take?
- Take the chicken.
It was fresh roasted today, with onions.
- With onions?
That's marvelous.
You weren't gonna tell me, were you?
I had to dig it out of you!
Go on, bring me the chicken.
- One chicken, with onions!
- Without onions.
- Hold the onions!
You want the usual
appetizer, shrimp cocktail?
- You know what I take!
And none of that four lousy
little shrimps stuff, either.
You tell them, four
shrimps is no cocktail!
- Since when did I ever
serve you four shrimps?
You always get five!
- Because I trained you!
Go on, go on.
- One shrimp cocktail, supreme!
Count 'em.
- Well, a cocktail is
supposed to be a cocktail.
You wouldn't want me to report Selig's
to the License Commissioner, would you?
One inspector here,
and (raspberry) they close
the whole place down.
Now, be honest with me, Gittelman.
You got roaches in that kitchen or not?
- No roaches in the kitchen, Miller!
No roaches!
- Oh, did I offend you?
Did I offend you, Gittelman?
Is it possible that I offended you?
Gittelman, don't you know
you are incapable of being offended?
You're a waiter!
A waiter cannot be offended!
A waiter is not a man,
a waiter is a creature
put on this earth to serve customers.
And the customer is always right!
Do you know that, Gittelman,
the customer is always right?
Do you believe that?
- I believe it.
- Then how could you possibly be offended?
(slaps table)
(bangs chair)
Take this shrimp, Gittelman!
Not fit for human consumption!
Am I right?
- You're right.
- These shrimps, Gittelman,
are the most ancient specimens of sea life
ever preserved on the earth!
Am I right?
- You're right, you're right.
- All right, now bring me
that miserable chicken.
- God damn it.
- Gittelman, are you trying to tell me
that at some remote period in history
this thing on my plate was a chicken?
- It's possible.
But how remote, I can't tell you.
But if I were you, I
would taste it at least.
- Gittelman, it's good, it's not bad!
It's edible!
(laughs)
You should have seen your face.
You were pale, you were shaking.
Tell me, how could a man
let this happen to him?
How could he become a waiter?
- It's a living.
That's how it happens.
- But you enjoy being a waiter.
Gittelman, more ice for
my water, right away.
You see, you enjoy serving me.
You have the soul of a waiter.
- I don't know what you
want from me, Miller.
I'm making a living for my family.
- Family?
You mean there are actually
more Gittelmans on earth?
- I have a wife and two girls.
Am I allowed?
(inarticulate agreement)
- Girls?
You see, you couldn't even produce sons.
Now, I had sons.
Two magnificent boys to make me proud.
Gittelman, if you're gonna have children,
that's what you have.
Sons!
Sons to support you when
your own strength fails.
- I'm satisfied with my two girls.
They're very nice, smart girls!
They gonna go to college!
- Girls, to college?
And is that what you do
this miserable work for?
To send two useless girls to college?
- Why not?
It can't hurt them.
- Oh, Gittelman, learn about life!
My two sons didn't go to college!
And you should see them now.
Successful businessmen
supporting their father
and seeing to his comforts and his needs!
Gittelman, how could
you lead this awful life
to send two girls to college?
- Because I believe in education.
With an education, everything is possible.
- That's the thinking of the poor,
that education solves everything.
You have the poor man's
delusion, Gittelman.
- And you, Miller?
You also missed out on an education?
- Take away this chicken, I
can't stand the sight of it.
- You also didn't learn a profession,
go to college to be a something?
- Gittelman, the chicken.
And bring me a cup of
coffee a man can drink.
None of that warmed-up stuff
from last night, either,
you hear me?
- So maybe with an education
you would be sitting
in a better restaurant.
- The coffee, Gittelman, the coffee!
And a little glass of wine.
This is fresh coffee, you're telling me?
- Just made this morning!
- From what?
- From what.
From coffee!
From what!
Good coffee!
- And would you know good coffee?
Do you know anything about
the good things in life?
- Maybe yes, maybe no.
And you know, Miller?
- Of course I know.
I know how to enjoy life.
- So tell me, Miller,
how do you enjoy life?
- Do you expect me to imagine
that you would understand?
- So try me!
- Gittelman, from the moment I
get up until I close my eyes,
my life is one continuous
series of pleasures and joys.
Just take the beginning of my day.
I sleep in a large, comfortable bedroom.
Two windows for cross ventilation.
A view of the avenue.
A rug on the floor, naturally.
And I sleep,
I sleep as light as I want to.
- You're alone, so you sleep.
- Of course I'm alone, I'm a widower!
- And it's not lonely?
- Gittelman, what do you know?
I'm alone.
But lonely?
When my life is so full?
When my whole day is filled
with all kinds of things?
- So, with what kind of
things you fill a day with?
- Eh, what's the use?
I shouldn't even be talking to you.
Look at you with your
flat feet, your bent back,
and your sad face!
You remind me of the spirit of sorrow!
The spirit of sorrow and
sadness, that's what you are!
And you want to know how a day
can be filled with happiness?
- So tell me, how?
- Gittelman, even breakfast.
I go down leisurely to the coffee shop.
Newspaper under my arm,
walking slowly, calmly,
observing the world.
Nothing on my mind.
I sit down at my table.
I have a glass of juice, a
cup of coffee, good coffee!
And then, I'll order a few eggs.
Maybe a little bacon
and a toasted English.
Then, like a gentleman I sit there,
enjoy my breakfast, and read my paper.
- All by yourself in a coffee shop?
- What's the use?
You don't understand
how other people live.
All you know is the kitchen,
the tables, the dishes.
Selig's Restaurant, that's your world.
- And you?
- Me?
I have a glorious day ahead
of me every day of the year!
- Glorious?
- Because it's mine!
I can do with it what I wish.
- Like, for example?
- Example.
Gittelman, have you ever
been, in your whole life,
to the movies in the afternoon?
The theater is quiet.
There are plenty of seats.
Nobody rushing, pushing you.
You can sit anyplace you like.
There's a place for your coat.
You can stretch out your legs, relax,
watch the picture, enjoy it.
And if it's a dull picture,
you take a little nap.
That's an experience, Gittelman!
- So how many times a day
you can go to the movies?
- Gittelman, you have a
total lack of imagination.
Do you know that we
have parks in this city?
Beautiful parks, with benches,
with trees, lovely walks.
Have you ever in your
whole life been to the park
in the afternoon on a weekday?
No crowds!
No noise!
You could hear the birds!
- And you have this, this
glorious day all by yourself?
- If I want company, I can
have all the company I want!
I can have a dozen friends
to join me if I wanna!
But if I wanna be alone, there
is nobody in the whole world
can tell me otherwise!
Oh, Gittelman.
I can see you have no
understanding of such things.
You slave away here all day.
You go home a tired man.
And the next day it starts again.
- Maybe you're right,
Miller, maybe you're right.
Except, you know something?
When I come home, it's not bad.
It's nice.
Tired, I am.
But when I come home, my
family is waiting for me.
My wife, the girls.
One girl plays a little piano,
the other sings a little bit.
It's nice!
- A piano?
You mean you go through
this misery here all day
and they spend your money on a piano?
- Why not?
I like a little piano.
It's nice.
- But Gittelman, those girls!
Send them out to work!
Let 'em get married!
Get 'em off your back.
Not sit around the house
and waste their time
playing a piano!
- In our house, we like a little music.
It's nice.
- Gittelman, where could you
get the money for a piano?
Where could you find the room for a piano?
- In the living room!
It's not Grand Central Station,
but for a piano, we got room.
- Gittelman, tell me, what
did you have to squeeze out
to squeeze in a piano?
What did you do, crowd
everybody in one bedroom?
- Who says crowded?
The piano is in the living room.
The dining room is in the dining room.
The kitchen is in the kitchen.
And everybody has their own room!
- You have a dining room?
- Small.
- You have a separate
bedroom for each one?
- Also small.
- Where do you live, Gittelman,
in some kind of
God-forsaken dump of a slum?
- I wish on everybody they
should live in such a slum!
It's a nice, big development.
With grass outside, a place
to sit in the fresh air.
And you should see how they keep it clean!
We even have a tree, small.
- Gittelman, you're telling me
that you live in a development,
with three bedrooms,
a dining room, a piano in the living room,
and you're gonna send
two girls to college?
I hate liars!
Gittelman, I warn you I hate liars!
- Miller, I hate 'em, too!
But if you're asking me, I'm telling you.
- It's impossible, a
man like you, a waiter!
- You say it's impossible,
Miller, it's impossible.
- You did all that just by being a waiter?
- Miller, I'm already 20 years a waiter.
So in 20 years, it's possible.
- Just by saving your money, Gittelman?
- Who said I did it by saving money?
- Then how, huh?
Oh, I know.
You won it at the
racetrack, that's how, eh?
Gittelman, you got a nose for the horses?
You get hot tips?
- A nose I got, but not for horses.
- Then how?
How?
Of course, I go.
The Irish Sweepstakes!
(laughs)
Gittelman wins $100,000
in the Irish Sweepstakes!
Lucky waiter from Selig's Restaurant
decides to buy piano and
send two girls to college!
(laughs)
- No, Miller, no Sweepstakes either.
- Then how?
How?
- You want to know?
- Yeah!
- I'll tell you.
- Investments, plain and simple.
Here and there I made a little investment.
- What investment could you make?
- Well, one I made right here.
- Where?
- Here, Selig's Restaurant.
A couple of years ago, Selig
needed money, so now I own 30%.
- You own 30% of Selig's Restaurant?
- So far.
I may put in a little more.
- You mean, you mean all the
time I've been eating here,
five years, every time I pay for my check
you're getting 30% of the profits?
- Why not?
As a partner, it's my share.
- Oh, oh ho.
Oh ho.
No wonder!
No wonder you let me insult you!
All the time you're standing there,
you're thinking, "Let him insult me.
"I'm making money on him!"
- I couldn't say it better myself.
- Gittelman, that's a low,
cheap, dirty, tricky thing to do!
- Miller, did I ask you to insult me?
You enjoy it?
It makes you feel good?
So insult!
- You're laughing at me!
- To tell you the truth, Miller,
some of the things you said,
it was nothing to laugh.
- You didn't stop me!
- Business is business.
Me, I'm strictly interested
in getting ahead.
- I bet you are.
Oh, I'll just bet you are!
A partner in this restaurant!
Oh, you're a sneaky one.
And that's probably
only part of the story!
Tell me, Gittelman, maybe
you own the whole building!
- Myself?
No.
With my two partners together, we own it.
- And you rent this part
to Selig's Restaurant,
of which you are also a partner?
- One hand washes the other.
- Gittelman, you amaze me.
You have succeeded in amazing me.
To think that you, a low, miserable,
to think that a plain, ordinary waiter.
Gittelman, how long you been
doing this, making investments?
- Since practically from my first dollar.
In saving, I don't believe.
In the savings bank, there
should be a few dollars
for an emergency.
But money was made to be invested.
- Made to be invested.
- Not just like that!
Not every day.
Not in every scheme.
But in a good proposition, invest.
- Gittelman, oh, do you
mind if I help myself
to another cup of coffee?
- Sure, all the coffee you want!
- Thank you.
Thank you, Gittelman.
Thank you very much.
- A dirty spot.
- That's pretty good coffee, you know?
Tastes fresh.
- I'm glad you like it, Miller.
- Ah, Gittelman?
This technique, this
approach to investment.
It sounds rather fascinating, you know?
It interests me.
- Of course!
Interesting it is!
- Gittelman, would you, is there,
are you contemplating any
investment in the near future?
- Well, well, could be.
- Oh, you are?
Gittelman, my friend, what
sort of investment is it?
- Well, the details I can't give you.
After all, to find such a thing
takes a lot of snooping around.
You know what I mean?
High and low you gotta snoop.
One thing after another,
you gotta say no to.
Then, if you're lucky,
something comes along,
it's a possibility.
- And you've been lucky?
I mean, you found--?
- What can I say?
So far, it looks good.
- How, eh, how does it look?
- [Gittelman] Very good.
- I mean, how good?
- It should bring a return, maybe 12, 15%.
- That's a maximum?
- [Gittelman] Minimum!
- And it's safe?
- 100% safe, nothing is.
But as far as safe is safe, it's safe.
- And it's in what?
- In what? (laughs)
In a proposition!
- Of course, I understand.
You got to keep it under your hat, eh?
- Miller, a good proposition
is like a beautiful girl
walking down the street naked.
Before she can go very far,
other people want to get in!
- (laughs) Oh, that's
very clever, Gittelman!
Yes, you're a clever one!
Gittelman, you know, as a matter of fact,
I would be interested in
such a proposition myself.
- 12 to 15% is very interesting!
- No, no, I mean such a
proposition might prove
very attractive to me.
Oh, Gittelman, could I
get you a cup of coffee?
- What?
- [Miller] Could I get
you a cup of coffee?
- Oh, that's very nice!
Miller, I like it hot.
It should burn my tongue.
- Gittelman, would I get a man like you
a cold cup of coffee? (chuckles)
- Just right.
- Gittelman, what I'm
saying, what I'm suggesting,
is that I would like to
consider the opportunity
of investing in this proposition myself.
- Go ahead, consider.
Consider from today to tomorrow.
- No, Gittelman, what I'm saying is
I would like the opportunity
to invest in this proposition!
- Absolutely not.
- Why not, Gittelman?
You wouldn't do this for me?
- It's, we got three, four
partners already lined up!
Enough.
- Gittelman, it would
be very important for me
to make this investment.
- You're right.
12, 15%, that's important.
- No.
No, no.
I mean, to me, a man in my position.
For me it would be very important.
- In your position?
What's the matter with your position?
A glorious day every day you live.
You see movies when nobody else sees them.
You hear birds when
nobody else hears them.
You're having one pleasure
after another all day long!
You could be in a better position?
- Gittelman, sit down a minute.
You could sit, you're a partner here.
Here.
That's the way.
- Gittelman, let me talk
to you as man to man.
After all, we're two men,
about the same age, hm?
You and I, we've lived through
a lot, we know about life.
Do I have to tell you, Gittelman,
that life is not always
what you see on the surface?
There's the outside,
the part the world sees,
and there's the inside, the truth.
The bitter truth.
You understand me, Gittelman?
- I got an idea.
- Gittelman, I'm going
to tell you something
that will shock you.
While it's true, I lead a
good life, a very good life,
it is also not true.
I mean, sometimes, in some ways.
In fact, it's a horrible life.
- Because you're alone all the time.
- No, not because I'm alone,
but because I'm helpless.
Would you believe that?
A man like me, scared and helpless?
You see, when I had my heart attack
and I had to stop working,
I told you I was sick, Gittelman?
Well, that's my sickness.
When I had to stop working,
my two sons assumed the responsibility
of providing for me.
Which they should,
that's what sons are for.
Well, I told you they were successful.
One works in the office, and
the other has a little store.
They're struggling,
it's not easy for them.
But, that's all right.
Anyway, the two of them, they got together
and they decided how to take care of me.
They got me this furnished room.
That big bedroom I told you about?
That's also my living room,
my dining room, my kitchen.
They give me so much a
month, the two sons together.
They decided how much I
need, and that's what I get.
Sounds good, doesn't it?
But, you see, there's a curse to it.
A bitter curse.
Because no matter what your sons tell you,
no matter what you tell yourself,
it makes you a beggar!
Suppose, Gittelman,
suppose I want a new coat?
Suppose a new suit sometimes?
Suppose I wanna smoke three cigars a day
instead of that one I save for dinner?
Suppose I really wanted to have breakfast
in that coffee shop, like I told you,
instead of a roll and coffee in my room?
Suppose, even, I wanted
to go away someplace
to get away from that
hot room, the hot city?
Gittelman, I have to beg for it.
Beg for it!
And even that check I get once a month,
if it's four days late, five
days late, I'm helpless.
You know, they once had a fight
over who was entitled to
deduct me on his income tax!
They couldn't settle it for a week!
And during that week, while I waited,
while I waited for that check,
suddenly, Gittelman, I
was a scared, old man.
Oh, some part of it, Gittelman,
some parts of this life you get used to.
The being alone, you'll get used to that.
When they should invite
you for dinner once a week
like they used to in the
beginning when their mother died,
and now they forget,
you'll get used to that.
Even to the idea, the idea itself,
that these kids who used to
break your heart if they cried
or they hurt themselves,
these same kids you watched
over, made plans and dreams for,
that these same kids can now forget you,
ignore you, begrudge you!
But the bitter curse you
cannot accept, Gittelman,
is that you're helpless.
So helpless that you have to beg!
That!
Now do you understand me, Gittelman?
Now do you see why this
is so important to me?
Gittelman, I have the money
from my wife's insurance.
It's in the bank, I've been
afraid to touch a penny of it.
My last refuge, you know.
My last refuge!
But if I could invest it
in that safe investment,
if I could earn that money
you said it would earn,
it would make the whole difference!
Hey, Gittelman, where you going?
- Miller, I'm sorry for you.
I really am.
Your troubles, I understand.
But to get mixed up with you
in a business proposition,
that's another story.
- Gittelman, sit down.
Please, sit down.
You could do this for me, can't you?
Listen to me?
- So, I'm listening.
- Gittelman, there must be
something you can do to help me.
You figured it all out, how to lick it.
You made investments!
Gittelman, you're the smartest man I know.
- Suddenly by you I'm smart?
For five years, you
laughed on me, insulted me,
humiliated me, and now I'm smart?
- Smart?
You're a genius!
To do what you have done,
to worked it all out.
Gittelman, you have the
instincts of a Rothschild!
- A Rothschild, already!
- What am I talkin' about, a Morgan!
- Well, I planned a little here and there.
- Planned?
You set up a financial structure
worthy of a Rockefeller!
Gittelman, you have the touch.
- I was a little bit lucky too.
- Luck?
Don't tell me luck.
It was sound planning, that's what it is!
Strategy, foresight!
Gittelman, I respect you.
I respect you, Gittelman.
- Thank you, Miller.
- Gittelman, I'll take
your advice on anything,
just guide me, tell me what to do.
- No, Miller.
No.
- No?
No?
Gittelman, why?
- Because I can't.
I can't do nothing for you.
- Just this investment,
this one investment!
- What investment?
- What?
What, what investment?
The investment!
- Miller, there's no investment.
I'm a nothing, a waiter,
a plain waiter here.
- No you're not.
You're a partner, you have investments!
- Miller, I don't have
investments, I'm not a partner,
I'm a nothing.
Like you said before.
A nothing, a waiter.
- No, you're just telling me that.
No, no, you're not just a waiter.
You have those things.
You have everything!
- What things?
Me?
- Gittelman, I say
you're not just a waiter!
I know it!
You're a smart man!
You're not just a waiter!
Gittelman, Gittelman,
you're not just a waiter.
Gittelman, Gittelman, Gittelman.
What are you, Gittelman?
- Me?
I'm what you said.
- What?
- What?
Whatever you say, that's what I am.
♪ So bing bong bing bong ♪
♪ Bum biddy bum ♪
♪ Bum bum bum biddy bum ♪
♪ Biddy biddy bum ♪
♪ Ah bum bum bum bum ♪
♪ Bum biddy bum ♪
♪ Bum bum bum biddy bum ♪
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♪ Bum badda bum ♪
♪ Biddy bum biddy bum biddy bum ♪
♪ Bum bum ♪
(time bell rings)
♪ Yeah, bum bum bum bum ♪
♪ Bum biddy bum bum bum ♪
♪ Bum biddy bum biddy biddy bum ♪
♪ Biddy bum bum bum ♪
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- A clean tablecloth!
A new, clean tablecloth!
It's gotta be a new, clean tablecloth.
It's got to be clean, clean, clean.
It's got to be new, new, new.
Clean and new!
All right, Miller?
Clean enough.
Shiny enough for you.
You satisfied?
Mm, why do I love you, Miller?
Why do I love you?
(scoffs)
Because, well, because I love you!
With your clean, clean glasses.
With your clean, clean silver.
With your fancy-schmancy toothpicks.
With your extra, extra napkins.
With your hot, hot coffee!
With your cold, cold ice water!
With your driving me crazy all the time!
If you'll drop dead yesterday, Miller,
it wouldn't be a minute too soon.
(clearing throat)
(door slams)
(meaningless vocalization)
(sharp rap)
(sighs)
(coughs)
(chair slams)
(grumbles)
(coughing)
(plate crashes)
- Gittelman, Gittelman.
Well, you did notice me finally, did you?
I'm here, Gittelman, I'm here!
It was an accident, Gittelman.
I'm telling you it was an accident.
I swear, as your old friend,
as your old enemy, an accident.
Gittelman, don't you even say, "Hello"?
Hm, you old rascal, you.
Hey, that, there, there, there!
Gittelman, there!
Let's do a good job!
And there.
Tell the truth, Gittelman,
if not for me, what
would this place be, eh?
A dirty dump of a sloppy, old restaurant!
Am I right?
- Whatever you say, Miller.
My me is whatever you say.
- Because I got you trained, haven't I?
Go on, go on, get rid of that.
(slams glass)
(grunts)
(grunts appreciatively)
(ringing glass)
Gittelman!
- [Gittelman] Coming!
(rings glass)
- Do you know what day this is?
Don't you even know what day this is?
- Thursday?
- No, not Thursday you fool.
What special day?
Think!
Gittelman, this is the fifth anniversary.
Today!
Five years ago today, I came
into this miserable dump
of a restaurant for the first time.
Now, what do you think of that, huh?
- To tell you the truth,
I thought it was longer.
- Five years I've been
giving you my business.
Come here every day to
eat this abominable food.
And to be served
by the most incompetent
waiter ever put on this earth.
Five days a week for five years!
And you're not satisfied?
- I'm satisfied, I'm satisfied!
Did you hear me complain, Miller?
- You would dare to complain
about a customer like me?
Gittelman, how much tip
do I leave you every time?
Five days a week, every single time,
how much tip do I leave you, huh?
- 30 cents.
- And in a week?
- A dollar and a half.
- And in a year?
- 52 and 26.
78 dollars.
- And that's just for one year, isn't it?
Now we got five years to multiply that by.
Go on, go on!
- 35 and three is 39.
390 dollars.
- 390 dollars that I,
personally, have given you.
Just for handing me this slop!
Just for this miserable service!
- Miller, for the 390 dollars, thank you.
But for that, I give you the best.
And you know that's the truth, Miller.
- Because I trained you!
I taught you how to be a real waiter!
I've devoted myself to you, Gittelman.
- Well, you also getting something.
Personal service, a private restaurant!
We don't open for dinner till 6 o'clock,
but you insist on coming
here every day at 5.
- Of course.
You expect me to eat with the
riff-raff that comes in here?
Selig's Restaurant, a
rendezvous of the lower classes.
I have to get here before your
miserable customers arrive
in order to get anything decent,
to be served like a gentleman.
Because I trained you!
You and that creature
in that sloppy kitchen
who imagines he's a chef!
- Miller, you also get a
pretty good meal for $2.75.
Don't forget that.
- Oh?
Let's look into that, Gittelman.
Let's, hand me a menu and
we'll just look into this!
What do you do with this,
dip it in the chicken soup?
Now, a magnificent dinner for $2.75.
Is that what you call it?
- Who said magnificent?
All I said was it's not
a bad meal for the price.
- All right, let's look into that, now.
Let's just look into it.
Complete dinner, $2.75.
Now let's see what this means.
Appetizer or soup.
Or soup.
Not and soup.
Or soup.
That's not very complete
right there, is it?
- Well, a bar mitzvah banquet it's not.
- All right, let's see
now the splendid choice
that Selig's offers his customers.
Fish!
Two kinds of fish.
Now, that's a choice, isn't it?
The sea is swarming with
every type of creature.
The fish markets are loaded down
with the delicacies of the deep.
And Selig's gives his customers
a choice of two kinds of fish!
- And what about the herring?
That's not a fish?
- No, what's the use?
Talk to you, talk to the wall.
Gittelman, for $2.75 I can feed
myself at home like a king!
- So why do you come
here every day to suffer?
- What do you expect me
to do, shop for food?
Cook my own dinner?
Clean up the dirty dishes?
I am retired, Gittelman.
I am a retired gentleman.
A widower and retired.
Retired from active life
due to an unfortunate physical condition
which has undermined my health.
I'm a sick man.
- I should be so sick.
- Inside, Gittelman.
Inside, I'm rotting away.
I take 17 pills a day!
And you want me to exhaust
myself preparing meals
when I can be served like
a gentleman in restaurant?
- So how come you pick this
restaurant to be a gentleman?
- Because of you!
You, Gittelman!
What other restaurant in the whole world
has a Gittelman to amuse
me, to entertain me?
I wait every day just
to watch you perform.
Begin, Gittelman.
Begin your act!
- So what are you talking about?
- The menu.
I am waiting to hear
your personal, inside,
straight from the kitchen recommendations.
What shall I have today, Gittelman, eh?
I'm listening.
- You like roast beef?
(inarticulate agreement)
So, don't take it.
- So don't, so don't take it?
(chuckles) That's wonderful.
Why?
Why shouldn't I take the roast beef?
- Because yesterday it
was in better condition.
(laughs)
- Oh, Gittelman, you're priceless!
You're a treasure!
Yes, tell me, what should I take?
- Take the chicken.
It was fresh roasted today, with onions.
- With onions?
That's marvelous.
You weren't gonna tell me, were you?
I had to dig it out of you!
Go on, bring me the chicken.
- One chicken, with onions!
- Without onions.
- Hold the onions!
You want the usual
appetizer, shrimp cocktail?
- You know what I take!
And none of that four lousy
little shrimps stuff, either.
You tell them, four
shrimps is no cocktail!
- Since when did I ever
serve you four shrimps?
You always get five!
- Because I trained you!
Go on, go on.
- One shrimp cocktail, supreme!
Count 'em.
- Well, a cocktail is
supposed to be a cocktail.
You wouldn't want me to report Selig's
to the License Commissioner, would you?
One inspector here,
and (raspberry) they close
the whole place down.
Now, be honest with me, Gittelman.
You got roaches in that kitchen or not?
- No roaches in the kitchen, Miller!
No roaches!
- Oh, did I offend you?
Did I offend you, Gittelman?
Is it possible that I offended you?
Gittelman, don't you know
you are incapable of being offended?
You're a waiter!
A waiter cannot be offended!
A waiter is not a man,
a waiter is a creature
put on this earth to serve customers.
And the customer is always right!
Do you know that, Gittelman,
the customer is always right?
Do you believe that?
- I believe it.
- Then how could you possibly be offended?
(slaps table)
(bangs chair)
Take this shrimp, Gittelman!
Not fit for human consumption!
Am I right?
- You're right.
- These shrimps, Gittelman,
are the most ancient specimens of sea life
ever preserved on the earth!
Am I right?
- You're right, you're right.
- All right, now bring me
that miserable chicken.
- God damn it.
- Gittelman, are you trying to tell me
that at some remote period in history
this thing on my plate was a chicken?
- It's possible.
But how remote, I can't tell you.
But if I were you, I
would taste it at least.
- Gittelman, it's good, it's not bad!
It's edible!
(laughs)
You should have seen your face.
You were pale, you were shaking.
Tell me, how could a man
let this happen to him?
How could he become a waiter?
- It's a living.
That's how it happens.
- But you enjoy being a waiter.
Gittelman, more ice for
my water, right away.
You see, you enjoy serving me.
You have the soul of a waiter.
- I don't know what you
want from me, Miller.
I'm making a living for my family.
- Family?
You mean there are actually
more Gittelmans on earth?
- I have a wife and two girls.
Am I allowed?
(inarticulate agreement)
- Girls?
You see, you couldn't even produce sons.
Now, I had sons.
Two magnificent boys to make me proud.
Gittelman, if you're gonna have children,
that's what you have.
Sons!
Sons to support you when
your own strength fails.
- I'm satisfied with my two girls.
They're very nice, smart girls!
They gonna go to college!
- Girls, to college?
And is that what you do
this miserable work for?
To send two useless girls to college?
- Why not?
It can't hurt them.
- Oh, Gittelman, learn about life!
My two sons didn't go to college!
And you should see them now.
Successful businessmen
supporting their father
and seeing to his comforts and his needs!
Gittelman, how could
you lead this awful life
to send two girls to college?
- Because I believe in education.
With an education, everything is possible.
- That's the thinking of the poor,
that education solves everything.
You have the poor man's
delusion, Gittelman.
- And you, Miller?
You also missed out on an education?
- Take away this chicken, I
can't stand the sight of it.
- You also didn't learn a profession,
go to college to be a something?
- Gittelman, the chicken.
And bring me a cup of
coffee a man can drink.
None of that warmed-up stuff
from last night, either,
you hear me?
- So maybe with an education
you would be sitting
in a better restaurant.
- The coffee, Gittelman, the coffee!
And a little glass of wine.
This is fresh coffee, you're telling me?
- Just made this morning!
- From what?
- From what.
From coffee!
From what!
Good coffee!
- And would you know good coffee?
Do you know anything about
the good things in life?
- Maybe yes, maybe no.
And you know, Miller?
- Of course I know.
I know how to enjoy life.
- So tell me, Miller,
how do you enjoy life?
- Do you expect me to imagine
that you would understand?
- So try me!
- Gittelman, from the moment I
get up until I close my eyes,
my life is one continuous
series of pleasures and joys.
Just take the beginning of my day.
I sleep in a large, comfortable bedroom.
Two windows for cross ventilation.
A view of the avenue.
A rug on the floor, naturally.
And I sleep,
I sleep as light as I want to.
- You're alone, so you sleep.
- Of course I'm alone, I'm a widower!
- And it's not lonely?
- Gittelman, what do you know?
I'm alone.
But lonely?
When my life is so full?
When my whole day is filled
with all kinds of things?
- So, with what kind of
things you fill a day with?
- Eh, what's the use?
I shouldn't even be talking to you.
Look at you with your
flat feet, your bent back,
and your sad face!
You remind me of the spirit of sorrow!
The spirit of sorrow and
sadness, that's what you are!
And you want to know how a day
can be filled with happiness?
- So tell me, how?
- Gittelman, even breakfast.
I go down leisurely to the coffee shop.
Newspaper under my arm,
walking slowly, calmly,
observing the world.
Nothing on my mind.
I sit down at my table.
I have a glass of juice, a
cup of coffee, good coffee!
And then, I'll order a few eggs.
Maybe a little bacon
and a toasted English.
Then, like a gentleman I sit there,
enjoy my breakfast, and read my paper.
- All by yourself in a coffee shop?
- What's the use?
You don't understand
how other people live.
All you know is the kitchen,
the tables, the dishes.
Selig's Restaurant, that's your world.
- And you?
- Me?
I have a glorious day ahead
of me every day of the year!
- Glorious?
- Because it's mine!
I can do with it what I wish.
- Like, for example?
- Example.
Gittelman, have you ever
been, in your whole life,
to the movies in the afternoon?
The theater is quiet.
There are plenty of seats.
Nobody rushing, pushing you.
You can sit anyplace you like.
There's a place for your coat.
You can stretch out your legs, relax,
watch the picture, enjoy it.
And if it's a dull picture,
you take a little nap.
That's an experience, Gittelman!
- So how many times a day
you can go to the movies?
- Gittelman, you have a
total lack of imagination.
Do you know that we
have parks in this city?
Beautiful parks, with benches,
with trees, lovely walks.
Have you ever in your
whole life been to the park
in the afternoon on a weekday?
No crowds!
No noise!
You could hear the birds!
- And you have this, this
glorious day all by yourself?
- If I want company, I can
have all the company I want!
I can have a dozen friends
to join me if I wanna!
But if I wanna be alone, there
is nobody in the whole world
can tell me otherwise!
Oh, Gittelman.
I can see you have no
understanding of such things.
You slave away here all day.
You go home a tired man.
And the next day it starts again.
- Maybe you're right,
Miller, maybe you're right.
Except, you know something?
When I come home, it's not bad.
It's nice.
Tired, I am.
But when I come home, my
family is waiting for me.
My wife, the girls.
One girl plays a little piano,
the other sings a little bit.
It's nice!
- A piano?
You mean you go through
this misery here all day
and they spend your money on a piano?
- Why not?
I like a little piano.
It's nice.
- But Gittelman, those girls!
Send them out to work!
Let 'em get married!
Get 'em off your back.
Not sit around the house
and waste their time
playing a piano!
- In our house, we like a little music.
It's nice.
- Gittelman, where could you
get the money for a piano?
Where could you find the room for a piano?
- In the living room!
It's not Grand Central Station,
but for a piano, we got room.
- Gittelman, tell me, what
did you have to squeeze out
to squeeze in a piano?
What did you do, crowd
everybody in one bedroom?
- Who says crowded?
The piano is in the living room.
The dining room is in the dining room.
The kitchen is in the kitchen.
And everybody has their own room!
- You have a dining room?
- Small.
- You have a separate
bedroom for each one?
- Also small.
- Where do you live, Gittelman,
in some kind of
God-forsaken dump of a slum?
- I wish on everybody they
should live in such a slum!
It's a nice, big development.
With grass outside, a place
to sit in the fresh air.
And you should see how they keep it clean!
We even have a tree, small.
- Gittelman, you're telling me
that you live in a development,
with three bedrooms,
a dining room, a piano in the living room,
and you're gonna send
two girls to college?
I hate liars!
Gittelman, I warn you I hate liars!
- Miller, I hate 'em, too!
But if you're asking me, I'm telling you.
- It's impossible, a
man like you, a waiter!
- You say it's impossible,
Miller, it's impossible.
- You did all that just by being a waiter?
- Miller, I'm already 20 years a waiter.
So in 20 years, it's possible.
- Just by saving your money, Gittelman?
- Who said I did it by saving money?
- Then how, huh?
Oh, I know.
You won it at the
racetrack, that's how, eh?
Gittelman, you got a nose for the horses?
You get hot tips?
- A nose I got, but not for horses.
- Then how?
How?
Of course, I go.
The Irish Sweepstakes!
(laughs)
Gittelman wins $100,000
in the Irish Sweepstakes!
Lucky waiter from Selig's Restaurant
decides to buy piano and
send two girls to college!
(laughs)
- No, Miller, no Sweepstakes either.
- Then how?
How?
- You want to know?
- Yeah!
- I'll tell you.
- Investments, plain and simple.
Here and there I made a little investment.
- What investment could you make?
- Well, one I made right here.
- Where?
- Here, Selig's Restaurant.
A couple of years ago, Selig
needed money, so now I own 30%.
- You own 30% of Selig's Restaurant?
- So far.
I may put in a little more.
- You mean, you mean all the
time I've been eating here,
five years, every time I pay for my check
you're getting 30% of the profits?
- Why not?
As a partner, it's my share.
- Oh, oh ho.
Oh ho.
No wonder!
No wonder you let me insult you!
All the time you're standing there,
you're thinking, "Let him insult me.
"I'm making money on him!"
- I couldn't say it better myself.
- Gittelman, that's a low,
cheap, dirty, tricky thing to do!
- Miller, did I ask you to insult me?
You enjoy it?
It makes you feel good?
So insult!
- You're laughing at me!
- To tell you the truth, Miller,
some of the things you said,
it was nothing to laugh.
- You didn't stop me!
- Business is business.
Me, I'm strictly interested
in getting ahead.
- I bet you are.
Oh, I'll just bet you are!
A partner in this restaurant!
Oh, you're a sneaky one.
And that's probably
only part of the story!
Tell me, Gittelman, maybe
you own the whole building!
- Myself?
No.
With my two partners together, we own it.
- And you rent this part
to Selig's Restaurant,
of which you are also a partner?
- One hand washes the other.
- Gittelman, you amaze me.
You have succeeded in amazing me.
To think that you, a low, miserable,
to think that a plain, ordinary waiter.
Gittelman, how long you been
doing this, making investments?
- Since practically from my first dollar.
In saving, I don't believe.
In the savings bank, there
should be a few dollars
for an emergency.
But money was made to be invested.
- Made to be invested.
- Not just like that!
Not every day.
Not in every scheme.
But in a good proposition, invest.
- Gittelman, oh, do you
mind if I help myself
to another cup of coffee?
- Sure, all the coffee you want!
- Thank you.
Thank you, Gittelman.
Thank you very much.
- A dirty spot.
- That's pretty good coffee, you know?
Tastes fresh.
- I'm glad you like it, Miller.
- Ah, Gittelman?
This technique, this
approach to investment.
It sounds rather fascinating, you know?
It interests me.
- Of course!
Interesting it is!
- Gittelman, would you, is there,
are you contemplating any
investment in the near future?
- Well, well, could be.
- Oh, you are?
Gittelman, my friend, what
sort of investment is it?
- Well, the details I can't give you.
After all, to find such a thing
takes a lot of snooping around.
You know what I mean?
High and low you gotta snoop.
One thing after another,
you gotta say no to.
Then, if you're lucky,
something comes along,
it's a possibility.
- And you've been lucky?
I mean, you found--?
- What can I say?
So far, it looks good.
- How, eh, how does it look?
- [Gittelman] Very good.
- I mean, how good?
- It should bring a return, maybe 12, 15%.
- That's a maximum?
- [Gittelman] Minimum!
- And it's safe?
- 100% safe, nothing is.
But as far as safe is safe, it's safe.
- And it's in what?
- In what? (laughs)
In a proposition!
- Of course, I understand.
You got to keep it under your hat, eh?
- Miller, a good proposition
is like a beautiful girl
walking down the street naked.
Before she can go very far,
other people want to get in!
- (laughs) Oh, that's
very clever, Gittelman!
Yes, you're a clever one!
Gittelman, you know, as a matter of fact,
I would be interested in
such a proposition myself.
- 12 to 15% is very interesting!
- No, no, I mean such a
proposition might prove
very attractive to me.
Oh, Gittelman, could I
get you a cup of coffee?
- What?
- [Miller] Could I get
you a cup of coffee?
- Oh, that's very nice!
Miller, I like it hot.
It should burn my tongue.
- Gittelman, would I get a man like you
a cold cup of coffee? (chuckles)
- Just right.
- Gittelman, what I'm
saying, what I'm suggesting,
is that I would like to
consider the opportunity
of investing in this proposition myself.
- Go ahead, consider.
Consider from today to tomorrow.
- No, Gittelman, what I'm saying is
I would like the opportunity
to invest in this proposition!
- Absolutely not.
- Why not, Gittelman?
You wouldn't do this for me?
- It's, we got three, four
partners already lined up!
Enough.
- Gittelman, it would
be very important for me
to make this investment.
- You're right.
12, 15%, that's important.
- No.
No, no.
I mean, to me, a man in my position.
For me it would be very important.
- In your position?
What's the matter with your position?
A glorious day every day you live.
You see movies when nobody else sees them.
You hear birds when
nobody else hears them.
You're having one pleasure
after another all day long!
You could be in a better position?
- Gittelman, sit down a minute.
You could sit, you're a partner here.
Here.
That's the way.
- Gittelman, let me talk
to you as man to man.
After all, we're two men,
about the same age, hm?
You and I, we've lived through
a lot, we know about life.
Do I have to tell you, Gittelman,
that life is not always
what you see on the surface?
There's the outside,
the part the world sees,
and there's the inside, the truth.
The bitter truth.
You understand me, Gittelman?
- I got an idea.
- Gittelman, I'm going
to tell you something
that will shock you.
While it's true, I lead a
good life, a very good life,
it is also not true.
I mean, sometimes, in some ways.
In fact, it's a horrible life.
- Because you're alone all the time.
- No, not because I'm alone,
but because I'm helpless.
Would you believe that?
A man like me, scared and helpless?
You see, when I had my heart attack
and I had to stop working,
I told you I was sick, Gittelman?
Well, that's my sickness.
When I had to stop working,
my two sons assumed the responsibility
of providing for me.
Which they should,
that's what sons are for.
Well, I told you they were successful.
One works in the office, and
the other has a little store.
They're struggling,
it's not easy for them.
But, that's all right.
Anyway, the two of them, they got together
and they decided how to take care of me.
They got me this furnished room.
That big bedroom I told you about?
That's also my living room,
my dining room, my kitchen.
They give me so much a
month, the two sons together.
They decided how much I
need, and that's what I get.
Sounds good, doesn't it?
But, you see, there's a curse to it.
A bitter curse.
Because no matter what your sons tell you,
no matter what you tell yourself,
it makes you a beggar!
Suppose, Gittelman,
suppose I want a new coat?
Suppose a new suit sometimes?
Suppose I wanna smoke three cigars a day
instead of that one I save for dinner?
Suppose I really wanted to have breakfast
in that coffee shop, like I told you,
instead of a roll and coffee in my room?
Suppose, even, I wanted
to go away someplace
to get away from that
hot room, the hot city?
Gittelman, I have to beg for it.
Beg for it!
And even that check I get once a month,
if it's four days late, five
days late, I'm helpless.
You know, they once had a fight
over who was entitled to
deduct me on his income tax!
They couldn't settle it for a week!
And during that week, while I waited,
while I waited for that check,
suddenly, Gittelman, I
was a scared, old man.
Oh, some part of it, Gittelman,
some parts of this life you get used to.
The being alone, you'll get used to that.
When they should invite
you for dinner once a week
like they used to in the
beginning when their mother died,
and now they forget,
you'll get used to that.
Even to the idea, the idea itself,
that these kids who used to
break your heart if they cried
or they hurt themselves,
these same kids you watched
over, made plans and dreams for,
that these same kids can now forget you,
ignore you, begrudge you!
But the bitter curse you
cannot accept, Gittelman,
is that you're helpless.
So helpless that you have to beg!
That!
Now do you understand me, Gittelman?
Now do you see why this
is so important to me?
Gittelman, I have the money
from my wife's insurance.
It's in the bank, I've been
afraid to touch a penny of it.
My last refuge, you know.
My last refuge!
But if I could invest it
in that safe investment,
if I could earn that money
you said it would earn,
it would make the whole difference!
Hey, Gittelman, where you going?
- Miller, I'm sorry for you.
I really am.
Your troubles, I understand.
But to get mixed up with you
in a business proposition,
that's another story.
- Gittelman, sit down.
Please, sit down.
You could do this for me, can't you?
Listen to me?
- So, I'm listening.
- Gittelman, there must be
something you can do to help me.
You figured it all out, how to lick it.
You made investments!
Gittelman, you're the smartest man I know.
- Suddenly by you I'm smart?
For five years, you
laughed on me, insulted me,
humiliated me, and now I'm smart?
- Smart?
You're a genius!
To do what you have done,
to worked it all out.
Gittelman, you have the
instincts of a Rothschild!
- A Rothschild, already!
- What am I talkin' about, a Morgan!
- Well, I planned a little here and there.
- Planned?
You set up a financial structure
worthy of a Rockefeller!
Gittelman, you have the touch.
- I was a little bit lucky too.
- Luck?
Don't tell me luck.
It was sound planning, that's what it is!
Strategy, foresight!
Gittelman, I respect you.
I respect you, Gittelman.
- Thank you, Miller.
- Gittelman, I'll take
your advice on anything,
just guide me, tell me what to do.
- No, Miller.
No.
- No?
No?
Gittelman, why?
- Because I can't.
I can't do nothing for you.
- Just this investment,
this one investment!
- What investment?
- What?
What, what investment?
The investment!
- Miller, there's no investment.
I'm a nothing, a waiter,
a plain waiter here.
- No you're not.
You're a partner, you have investments!
- Miller, I don't have
investments, I'm not a partner,
I'm a nothing.
Like you said before.
A nothing, a waiter.
- No, you're just telling me that.
No, no, you're not just a waiter.
You have those things.
You have everything!
- What things?
Me?
- Gittelman, I say
you're not just a waiter!
I know it!
You're a smart man!
You're not just a waiter!
Gittelman, Gittelman,
you're not just a waiter.
Gittelman, Gittelman, Gittelman.
What are you, Gittelman?
- Me?
I'm what you said.
- What?
- What?
Whatever you say, that's what I am.
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