Encino Man (1992) Movie Script

[ Screaming ]

[ Car Alarms Wailing ]

[ Dogs Barking ]

[ Panting ]

I HATE THOSE THINGS.

OH.

???? [ "Reality Used To Be

A Friend of Mine" ]

?? OOO-OOO

OOO-OOO ??

?? REALITY USED TO BE

A FRIEND OF MINE ??

?? REALITY USED TO BE

A FRIEND OF MINE ??

?? MAY BE WHY THE QUESTION

THAT'S ON YOUR MIND ??

?? BUT REALITY USED TO BE

A FRIEND OF MINE ??

?? REALITY USED TO BE

A FRIEND OF MINE ??

?? REALITY USED TO BE

A FRIEND OF MINE ??

?? PLEASE DON'T ASK ME

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHY ??

?? BUT REALITY USED TO BE

A FRIEND OF MINE ??

?? I USED TO BE FRIENDS

WITH REALITY ??

?? SHE USED TO BE A PAL

REAL CLOSE TO ME ??

?? BUT SHE TRIED TO HIDE FROM ME

WHAT WAS IN STORE ??

[ Howling ]

[ Woman ]

STANLEY, IS THAT --

UMMM.

PUT THAT BACK !

HEY, I JUST WASHED

ALL THIS STUFF.

IT'S MY GEAR.

SORRY, MAN.

IT'S OKAY.

WHAT'S MY MOM

SHE'S BUMMED 'CAUSE I

SNAKED YOUR LAST BAGEL.

GRAB A SHOVEL,

MAN.

YOU DON'T WANNA HELP,

THAT'S JUST FINE.

[ Stoney ]

UH-HUH.

DAVE, BE MORE OF A GEEK.

THERE'S NO WAY

[ Girl ]

YOU'RE A DISEASE.

AND NO ONE WILL EVER SWIM

IN THIS STUPID POOL.

LATER.

LOOK, DAVID,

PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR

HIGH SCHOOL

IS OVER, BUDDY.

GET INTO IT.

WE'RE LOSERS.

I'VE DECIDED SOMETHING, STONEY.

I WANNA LOOK BACK ON

AND THINK THAT I STARTED

SLOWLY BUT I FINISHED

HIGH SCHOOL'S ALMOST OVER

AND I DON'T HAVE

I KNOW, ME NEITHER.

YOU SHOULD BE STOKED

'CAUSE YOU GOT THROUGH

THE LAST FOUR YEARS WITHOUT

IT'S NOT ENOUGH.

I MEAN, I WANT MY OWN

JUMP OFF THE GYM,

SPLATTER ON THE STREET

IT'S NOT FUNNY.

I'M NOT GOIN' DOWN AS

WHEN I FINISH THIS POOL,

I'M GONNA HAVE THE

I'M GONNA BE THE PROM KING !

AND I'M GONNA GRADUATE A LEGEND.

[ Stoney ]

WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME ?

OH, WELL YOU'LL

BE THERE TOO.

THANKS, BUT ROBYN SWEENEY,

SHE'S NOT GOIN' TO

-I WISH SHE WOULD BUT SHE'S NOT.

-WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT ?

ROBYN SWEENEY

IS MINE.

SHE'S BECOME A MAJOR BABE

AND SHE LOVES ME.

SHE FINDS YOU CRUSTY,

DAVE.

SHE'LL SEE

THE TRUTH.

LIFE'S ABOUT GREASIN'

THE DO-BACK, BUDDY

HIGH SCHOOL WAS

INTERESTING, RIGHT,

BUT IT WAS KIND OF

LIKE A HARSH RIDE.

WE'RE GOIN' ON TO BIGGER

AND BETTER THINGS, BUDDY.

STONEY, I AM ON TO

BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS.

COUNT ON IT !

[ Stoney Yelling ]

[ Stoney ]

OH, WOW !

?? I'M A STONEY CRUSTY DUDE

?? DID YOU KNOW THAT ?

[ Stoney ]

?? I GOT A MOP

EXCUSE ME. COULD YOU MOVE.

ME AND MY FRIEND, DAVID

HEY, THERE'S ROBYN.

HEY, ROBYN.

FOUR-WHEELIN'

OVER THE FERNS.

LOOK, DAVE, YOU'RE GONNA

HAVE TO MELLOW OUT, BRO,

SHE ALWAYS SHINES YA.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU HAD PRE-FRESHMAN

HISTORY. YOU COULD'VE

SHE HADN'T HIT

"BABEHOOD" YET.

MILK DOES A BODY GOOD.

CHECK HER.

[ Stoney ]

SHE'S CLEAN, BUDDY,

AND HE'S GOT HER.

[ Chuckles ]

MATT WILSON ?

WHAT A JERK.

WHAT DOES SHE

SEE IN HIM ANYWAY ?

[ Stoney ]

HE'S GOT THE BUFF SPIKES

DUDE, HE'S CHECKIN'

HER CHEEKS. OOH !

HE'S GOT THE SERIOUS BEAK,

HIS OWN PERSONAL... OH !

FULL OF FUNDAGE, BRO,

THAT HE WEASES

OFF OF MA--

[ Stoney ]

EIGHTEEN INCH BI'S.

MINE ARE ONLY FOUR.

BESIDES THAT.

HE WALKS LIKE THIS,

RIGHT ?

JUST LIKE THIS,

THE NUGS FULLY LOOSE.

[ Indistinct Chatter ]

HI, MATT.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

QUIET, PLEASE.

SETTLE DOWN, QUIET.

WE'RE GONNA START

SAME PLACE WE ENDED

LAST WEEK'S CLASS.

THAT'S TALKING ABOUT

PREHISTORIC MAN

IN THE -- ?

ICE AGE.

YES, ICE AGE.

WHY DO WE CALL IT THE ICE AGE ?

'CAUSE THERE WAS A LOT OF ICE.

WHAT DO WE CALL

THESE BIG CHUNKS OF ICE,

WE CALLED WHAT ?

WHAT DO WE CALL THEM ?

RIGHT. YOU ARE PAYING

ATTENTION. THAT'S GOOD.

THESE GLACIERS, AS THEY

MOVED DOWN OUR WAY,

THEY'RE SO HEAVY, COLD

AND THICK THAT THEY

AND THEY FORM

UNDERGROUND -- ?

RIGHT. BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

SOME SCIENTISTS BELIEVE

UNDERGROUND GLACIAL MOVEMENTS

STILL IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK

THAT IS, CLASS ?

[ Class ]

LAME !

LISTEN,

PLEASE REMEMBER...

THAT MOST OF THIS HEMISPHERE,

INCLUDING THE GROUND

ALL OF THIS WAS UNDER ICE

AT SOME POINT, SO I GUESS...

FINDING SOMETHING FROZEN,

DUG UP HERE OR THERE,

WOULDN'T BE THAT UNCOMMON

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

SO MOVING RIGHT ALONG

ON YOUR JOURNEY OF KNOWLEDGE,

LET ME SHOW YOU

CRO-MAGNON MAN.

HE'S DOPE.

I'D GO OUT WITH HIM.

[ Class Laughing ]

NO, NO.

I DON'T THINK SO, ELLA.

CRO-MAGNON MAN, EVEN THOUGH

HE'S STANDIN' UPRIGHT AND ALL,

HE WAS EXTREMELY BRUTAL.

HE JUST TOOK

WHATEVER HE WANTED...

AND THAT INCLUDED

HIS WOMEN.

THAT'S BARBARIC !

INDEED.

???? [ Radio ]

STONE !

STONEY !

???? [ Radio ]

HEY ! COME ON,

CHECK THIS OUT.

FEEL THE GROUND,

MAN.

WHOA, BUDDY,

IT'S CHILLIN'.

IT'S NOT LIKE

CHILLIN', CHILLIN'.

BRO, IT IS CHILLIN' !

I KNOW.

IT'S SO, UH --

HELP ME.

CHECK IT, BUDDY.

OH, BUDDY !

DUDE, I KNOW

WHAT THIS IS, BRO.

IT'S A

MOUSTERIAN BOWL.

HEY, COME ON, DAVID.

BE CAREFUL WITH THAT.

WHAT'S A MOUSTERIAN BOWL ?

A MOUSTERIAN BOWL

FROM THE MOUSTERIAN ERA.

"PREHISTORIC ARTIFACTS

FOR FIVE HUNDRED, ALEX."

DON'T YOU EVER

WATCH "JEOPARDY" ?

BUDDY, THIS IS KIND OF LIKE

PREHISTORIC TUPPERWARE, BRO.

IT'S STILL PRESERVED...

LIKE SMUCKERS !

OOOOW !

[ Barking ]

EARTHQUAKE !

[ Rumbling ]

AHHHH !

OH !

OH GOD !

NICE SAVE, DAVAGE.

STONE ?

YEAH.

THERE'S A GUY

BURIED IN MY POOL.

[ Screaming ]

HELLO, FRED.

I'M GLAD I CAUGHT YOU.

ARE YOU AVAILABLE

FOR A MEETING

MS. MORGAN,

OPEN THE DOOR !

MOM, THERE'S A GUY

BURIED IN OUR POOL !

MOM ! MOM !

OPEN THE DOOR !

[ Indistinct Yelling ]

I'M WORKING !

CALL 9-1-1 !

[ Scratching ]

[ Stoney ]

THEY NEVER FOUND

YEAH, OR JIMMY HOFFA.

OR JIMMY MAHONEY.

HE WAS A KID I KNEW

IN CUB SCOUTS.

COME ON,

LET'S GO.

THEY NEVER

FOUND HIM.

DAVID, I KNOW

WHAT THIS IS.

IT'S A CAVEMAN.

WOULD YOU PLEASE !

NO, I'M SERIOUS.

NO WAY !

WHOA.

A CAVEMAN !

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE !

DO YOU KNOW WHAT

THIS COULD MEAN --

THIS COULD MEAN FAME

OR POPULARITY !

FAR TOO MUCH

RESPONSIBILITY FOR ME.

ANYWAYS,

I'M ALREADY POPULAR.

YEAH, YOU TRAVEL

IN LARGE GROUPS

BESIDES, THIS IS

MY ONE CHANCE TO MAKE

YOU GOTTA HELP ME DIG

HIM OUT. YOU WERE HERE.

I DON'T WANNA BE PART

OF ANYTHING, DAVE.

IT COULD MEAN MONEY.

YOU TELLIN' ME YOU

COULDN'T USE A,

SOME NEW BELL-BOTTOMS ?

A LITTLE FUN-DAGE ?

WEASE SOME OLDER NUGS

WITH A MANSION AND A POOL ?

SOAKIN' UP THE RAYS,

WATCHIN' ALL THE

"JEOP-ARDY" YOU CAN HANDLE ?

THAT WAS THE CLINCHER.

EVERYBODY'S GOT A PRICE.

[ Lawn Mower Motor ]

STEADY IT !

GIVE IT MORE GAS,

PERFECT ! HOLD !

THIS THING

WEIGHS A TON.

AHH !

HEY, THERE'S HIS PITS,

BRO.

[ David ]

THAT'S HIS HEAD.

THAT'S HIS SKULL.

[ Snoring ]

GET OFF ME !

WHAT ARE YOU

DOIN' ?

OW ! COME ON,

LET'S GET UP.

HE'S STILL IN HERE.

NO KIDDING, DAVE.

HE'S AN ICE CUBE.

WE GOTTA

THAW HIM OUT.

THIS HAS GOTTA BE

OUR SECRET, OKAY ?

YOU CAN'T TELL ANYBODY...

NOBODY !

CAN I TELL

STEVE KOOSER ?

ALL RIGHT ? NOBODY !

YOU UNDERSTAND ?

THANK YOU.

DEE-DO-DAH.

???? [ Rock ]

????

THIS IS

KIND OF NICE.

HI, ROBYN.

HI, DAVE.

GUESS WHAT

I FOUND ?

NO. COME HERE.

GUESS WHAT I FOUND ?

I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE NO IDEA.

[ Whispering ]

I FOUND A CAVEMAN.

SHH. YEAH.

OH DAVE,

IT'S COOL, RIGHT ?

I FOUND A CAVEMAN.

ALL BY MYSELF.

I DUG HIM OUT

YOU WANNA COME CHECK HIM OUT

AFTER SCHOOL ?

I'M ONLY INVITIN'

A FEW PEOPLE.

TEN MINUTES...

PLEASE ?

DAVE, I JUST DON'T THINK

I'M READY TO HANDLE A --

A CAVEMAN.

YOU'RE NOT ?

ALL RIGHT.

I UNDERSTAND.

BYE, DAVID.

[ Sighs ]

I LOVE IT WHEN

HELLO, DAVID.

AGH.

GOIN' SOMEWHERE ?

YEAH, I GOT A DATE

WITH YOUR MOM.

IT'S A JOKE.

I'M SORRY, JUST KIDDING.

[ Grunting ]

YOU'VE BEEN A HEADACHE

EVER SINCE THE THIRD GRADE.

I KNOW ABOUT YOUR STUPID

PROM-KING BULLSHIT.

ROBYN WOULDN'T PISS

ON YOUR GUMS IF YOUR

- YES, SHE WOULD.

- [ Chuckling ]

SHUSH ! HUSH, PLEASE !

SHOWIN' YOUR IGNORANCE

AGAIN, MORGAN.

SOME OF US PUMP

AND SOME OF US SLUMP.

YOU SHOULD

TRY SOME PUMP, MORGAN.

YOU'RE SO --

AM I ?

N-NO, STOP.

STOP IT !

WHY DO YOU

MAKE ME DO THIS ?

[ Dave ]

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING ?

MATT, NOT THE

FIRE ALARM !

MATT ! MATT !

GOD, HELP !

OH GOD !

HEY, COME HERE.

OH, TA-HA-HA.

[ Laughing, Jeering ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Sniffing ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Barking ]

[ Helicopter Whirring ]

[ Screams ]

[ Glass Smashing ]

HMM.

[ Truck Engine ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Engine Revving ]

[ Yelling ]

I'LL BE BACK.

?? THIS IS OUR PHILOSOPHY

ALL THESE THINGS

???? [ Continues Indistinct ]

?? NOW IN THIS LAND

OF DEMOCRACY WHY NO ONE

?? LADY LIBERTY ROCKS AWAY

NO TRUTH, NO JUSTICE ??

?? THE AMERICAN WAY ????

[ Groans ]

?? CLAP YOUR HANDS

AND DANCE ??

????

?? TREATY, OO-OH

TREATY, YEAH ??

?? TREATY, OO-OH ??

????

[ Gasping ]

HE MELTED.

DAVE, IT JUST WASN'T

MEANT TO HAPPEN.

COME ON, I'LL GO

BUY YOU SOME HO-HOS.

COME ON.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

HE MELTED.

BORIS !

[ Alarm Sounding ]

[ Screaming ]

WHAT THE --

[ Sizzling ]

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

HE'S ALIVE !

HE WAS PRACTICALLY

AN ICE CUBE...

I SAY

WE JUST WALK.

OH, PLEASE.

HE IS OURS.

WHAT ?

BE HOSPITABLE ?

[ Sniffing ]

- OOH !

- AHH ! AHH !

HOW YA DOIN' ?

HI, MY NAME IS DAVE.

COME HERE, COME HERE.

INTRODUCE YOURSELF.

THIS IS STONEY.

STONEY, HE'S MY FRIEND.

UH, THIS IS MY ROOM.

IT'S OKAY.

UH, WE'RE

FROM ENCINO.

IT'S A PLEASURE

TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE.

AND WE HOPE YOU DON'T

GNAW ON OUR BEAKS.

I KNOW WHAT

I'M DOING, STONE.

WE GO TO HIGH SCHOOL.

HIGH SCHOOL ?

HE DOESN'T KNOW

WHAT HIGH SCHOOL IS.

HE DOESN'T KNOW

WHAT ANYTHING IS.

JUST BE

CALM AND EASY.

CALM...

AND EASY.

- [ Ringing ]

- [ Screaming ]

- GET THE PHONE.

- OKAY. OKAY.

[ Caveman Laughing ]

IT'S OKAY.

SEE, I THINK

HE'S CALMING DOWN.

CALMING... DOWN.

[ Phone Beeping ]

[ Screaming ]

UGH ?

FIRE.

FLAMEAGE.

BUDDY'S INTO IT.

THAT WAS KILL,

LOOK AT HIS EYES.

HE LIKES THE BLUE PART.

HE'S GLOSSY-EYED.

LOOK, FREAK

OW ! OOH !

- UGH !

- OKAY. AH, AH !

GIVE IT TO HIM.

NO !

UGH. UGH.

- HERE, HERE. LOOK, HERE.

-YOU GOTTA TEACH HIM.

WHOA ! OH.

HEY !

NO.

WHAT ?

DID YOU JUST --

- I THINK HE JUST SAID "NO."

- NO !

- NO ?

- NO ! NO !

NO. NO.

COOL, BUDDY.

HE IS SO GREASY !

GREASY ? HE'S A

PREHISTORIC PYROMANIAC.

WE GOTTA

TEACH HIM STUFF.

NO. NO.

NO !

NO ! NO !

OH GOD.

WE GOTTA TEACH HIM

NO, UH-UH.

WE'RE GOIN' PSYCHO

THAT'S BORING, DUDE,

NORMAL !

STONEY, COME ON, MAN.

HANG WITH ME.

WE GOTTA PLAY

THIS THING OUT.

IF WE TELL ANYONE,

IF ANYONE SEES HIM, THEY'LL

THEY'LL CUT HIM UP

INTO LITTLE PIECES.

THEY'LL TAKE ALL THE CREDIT,

AND WE'LL STILL BE GEEKS.

I'M NOT A GEEK.

I'M A UNIQUE WEASEL, DAVID.

I'M JUST UNDERRATED 'CAUSE

I LIVE HERE IN ENCINO.

BUD ?

BUDDY ?

O-O-O-OW !

OKAY ?

HE NEEDS A BATH...

BIG TIME.

?? I'M TOO SEXY

FOR MY LOVE ??

?? TOO SEXY FOR MY LOVE

LOVE'S GOING TO LEAVE ME ??

????

?? I'M TOO SEXY

FOR MY SHIRT ??

?? TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT

SO SEXY IT HURTS ??

?? AND I'M

TOO SEXY FOR MILAN ??

?? TOO SEXY FOR MILAN

NEW YORK AND JAPAN ??

[ Growling ]

?? I'M TOO SEXY

FOR YOUR PARTY ??

?? TOO SEXY FOR YOUR PARTY

NO WAY I'M DISCO DANCING ??

????

?? I'M TOO SEXY

FOR MY LOVE ??

?? TOO SEXY FOR MY LOVE

LOVE'S GOING TO LEAVE ME ??

?? I'M TOO SEXY

FOR THIS SONG ????

STANDING O.

OUTSTANDING.

IF I HAD A BIC, BRO,

RIGHT HERE.

LET'S SHOW HIM

HIMSELF.

YOU WANNA SEE

YOUR MUG, BUD ?

UGH !

WHAT, DUDE ?

YOU SHOULD BE WITH

YOU LOOK BUFF.

RIGHT ?

HEY, CAN YOU

SAY "BA...UFF" ?

BA...UFF ?

[ Laughing ]

I LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW,

WE GOTTA GIVE HIM

A COOL NAME.

AXL.

YEAH, BUDDY.

NOT AXL.

THIS IS SERIOUS.

WE'VE GOT THE MISSING LINK

STANDING IN MY BEDROOM.

LINK ! LINK !

WE'LL CALL HIM LINK !

OKAY, COOL.

MAYBE WE COULD CALL HIM

BECAUSE HE'S GOT

MY SAME 'DO...

AND HE'S FROM

THE STONE AGE.

I LIKE LINK BETTER.

OKAY, WE'LL

BUT CAN I

CALL HIM LINKAGE ?

COOL !

LET'S SEE HOW

NO, NO.

COME HERE.

OKAY. OKAY.

YOU OKAY ?

UH, UH, LOOK.

SEE ?

UGH.

WHOA !

AHH !

AHH, OOW, OOO.

OOOW !

[ Chuckling ]

OKAY, OKAY.

UM, LINK.

LINK.

NO !

YOU'RE LINK.

I'M DAVE. DAVE !

DAVE. DAVE.

NO, DAVE, DAVE.

DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

DAVE.

YES !

OKAY,

AND THAT'S --

THAT'S STONEY.

MM-HMM.

STO...NEY.

NO, NO.

STONEY.

YES !

AHH !

OKAY, OKAY.

AND NOW YOU ARE ?

DAVE !

AHH !

NO, NO, I'M DAVE.

YOU ARE ?

BUFF.

[ Sighs ]

NO.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU'VE HAD A HARD DAY.

- YOUR PARENTS !

- MY PARENTS !

OKAY, UH, UH,

TAKE HIM OUT BACK AND RING

BUT, DAVE --

NO "BUTS,"

FOLLOW THE WEASEL,

LINKAGE, COME ON.

[ Banging, Crashing ]

MY KITCHEN !

BUSTED !

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

I'M COOKING DINNER.

YOU'RE WHAT ?

BUSTED !

I'M COOKING DINNER.

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE

THEY'RE SURPRISED,

ALL RIGHT.

[ Ringing ]

WHAT IS

GOING ON HERE ?

WHERE'S THE FLOUR ?

I CAN'T FIND THE FLOUR.

HELLO, STANLEY.

WHO IS THIS STRANGE BOY AND

IT GOT STUCK, SIR.

COME IN.

[ Father ]

WHOSE FAMILY ?

BORIS, GET DOWN !

BORIS !

- BORIS, GET OUT !

-[ Dave ] GET DOWN !

-[ Link Screaming ]

- GET OUT, GET OUT !

HEY, DAD.

DAVID,

WHO IS THAT ?

THAT ?

WHO'S THAT ?

- THAT WAS LINKAVITCH CHOMOFSKY.

- WHAT ?

LINK... LINKAV--

DOESN'T ANYBODY IN THIS HOUSE

WHAT IS HE

TALKING ABOUT ?

DAD, LINKAVITCH

CHOMOFSKY.

OUR EXCHANGE STUDENT ?

HE'S HERE.

HE'S GONNA HELP US

DIG THE POOL.

- YEAH !

- [ Sighs ]

WHY DOES NONE OF THIS

SOUND FAMILIAR TO ME ?

I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS

MONTHS AGO, REMEMBER ?

ABOUT SCHOOL GIVING US

EXTRA CREDIT FOR COLLEGE

AND LEARNING ABOUT

THEIR CULTURE AND

NOW YOU'RE GONNA

TAKE IT BACK ?

NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT

GONNA TAKE IT BACK.

THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

HE TRAVELLED HERE

- I DON'T KNOW, ESTONIA ?

- YEAH, ESTONIA !

MOM, COME ON.

YOU'RE NOT BUYING THIS ?

WELL, I --

DAD ?

ACTUALLY, I, I,

I THINK NOW...

THAT I, I, I DO

RECALL SOMETHING.

- SEE ?

- SEE, IT'S ABOUT FOCUSING.

YOU'RE BOGUS.

LARRY, HOW COULD I FORGET

HE'S AN EXCHANGE STUDENT.

HE'S GOING TO BE STAYING

YOU FORGOT ME

IN THE THIRD GRADE.

I SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT AFTER

THE PLAY IN THE PARKING LOT.

OKAY, WHERE'S

HE GONNA STAY ?

AND WHY IS HE

ATTACKING THE DOG ?

HE'S GONNA STAY IN MY ROOM.

HE'S NOT ATTACKING THE DOG.

- AS IF !

- SHUT UP !

- YOU SHUT UP.

- NO, EVERYBODY SHUT UP.

LARRY, IT'S OKAY.

I'M TIRED.

IT'S TIME WE DECIDE

WHAT WE'RE GONNA MAKE

I ASSUME YOU'LL

BE JOINING US ?

WE PRACTICALLY FEED THE

ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD. WHY NOT

I ALWAYS EAT HERE

AND I LIKE YOUR FOOD.

GREAT.

[ Ringing ]

STOP IT ! NO.

NO, NO, NO.

[ Rings ]

[ Dave ]

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD

[ Stoney ]

COW PAJAMAS ?

OOH !

SOME BETTY, HUH ?

BETTY.

GONZANGAS.

GONZANGAS ?

BUDDY, CONES.

I KNOW YOU'VE HAD

A BIG DAY, PAL.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU

SOMEPLACE REALLY SPECIAL.

TACO BELL.

BETTER.

CONGRATULATIONS, LINK.

YOU'RE GONNA BE A SENIOR.

SMILE.

?? WILD THING ??

?? YOU MAKE

MY HEART SING ??

?? YOU MAKE

EVERYTHING GROOVY ??

?? WILD THING ??

OH GOD,

HE DOESN'T LIKE THAT.

THAT'S GLASS.

THAT HURTS YOUR BEAK.

STAND UP STRAIGHT.

[ Stoney ]

POOR STONE-AGER.

HE SPENT A MILLION YEARS

CHILLIN' IN A BLOCK OF ICE,

NOW HE'S GOTTA GO

TO HIGH SCHOOL ! AGH !

WHO'S THAT GUY WITH

THE DORK SQUAD ?

OH MY GOD,

HE IS TOTALLY RUDE.

WE HAVE GOT A

MAJOR FIND HERE.

THIS GUY'S OUR TICKET

TO FAME AND POPULARITY.

ALL WE GOTTA DO IS GET HIM

ENROLLED IN SCHOOL AND HE'LL

THAT'S HARSH.

WE'LL MAKE HIM FAMOUS.

WE'LL TEACH HIM SOME

STUPID PET TRICKS AND

YOU'RE WEASIN' OFF

HIS GIG.

OH PLEASE !

HE'S A CAVEMAN,

LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S PRACTICALLY

WE FOUND HIM.

WE CAN DO WHATEVER

WE, WE, WE ?

NO, NO, NO.

I JUST WANNA BE

HIS FRIEND.

FINE.

HELLO, MRS. MACKEY.

AND WHAT DO WE

HAVE HERE ?

NOW I'M COVERED

UP TO FOURTH PERIOD.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

WITH HIM AFTER THAT.

WILL YOU BE CAREFUL ?

I'LL BE COOL, MAN.

OKAY.

WHAT'S HE DOIN' ?

[ Dave ]

I DON'T KNOW.

LINK, BE CAREFUL !

UH, HEY, HEY --

HEY, LINK,

HOW'S YOUR MELON, BUD ?

[ Sniffing ]

WHOA !

EXCUSE ME.

HEY, HEY, HEY !

[ Grunting ]

WHOA.

LINK ?

IS THIS DUDE

TOTALLY FUNDAMENTAL

DID YOU MISS ME ?

ALWAYS.

WHO IS THIS ?

THIS IS

LINK.

HE'S STAYING WITH US.

YOU'RE KIDDING ?

THIS GUY IS STAYING WITH YOU ?

UH-HUH.

HE'S THINKIN' OF

BECOMING A HAIRDRESSER.

DESIGNING CRUSTY MOPS

FOR THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

OH.

UGH. GONZANGAS.

NO !

BYE, ROBYN.

I THINK HE WAS SAYING

HE LIKES YOUR CONES.

I'M THRILLED.

GET OUT OF MY FACE !

ROBYN,

THAT IMPORT IS MINE.

THIS IS JUST

IN TIME FOR PROM.

IS HE FINE

OR WHAT ?

HE'S A LOOKER !

LINK. LINK !

LINK, PLEASE,

COME SIT DOWN.

WHO IS THIS DIPSHIT,

ANYWAY ?

HIS NAME'S LINK.

HE'S FROM ESTONIA AND

I THINK HE'S JIVE.

JIVE, YEAH.

YOU DO ?

HELL YEAH,

AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

HEY, LINK !

[ Coughing ]

[ Bell Ringing ]

I'LL SEE YOU

WATCH HIM.

ALL RIGHT, DAVID.

WE GOT SPANISH NOW.

SPANISH IS LIKE GUACAMOLE,

La d?a es mi

en hermanos.

THE DAY IS BEAUTIFUL.

???? [ Rap ]

THE SUN ISN'T SHINING

ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT.

????

LINK, COME ON.

SORRY, YOU GUYS.

WHOA !

Vale, repitan en Espanol.

THE CHEESE IS

OLD AND MOLDY.

[ Class ]

El queso est?

[ Teacher ]

WHERE IS THE BATHROOM ?

?? D?nde est?

el sanitario ?

?? D?nde est?

el sanitario ?

[ Teacher ]

GOOD, ONCE AGAIN.

YOU'RE CUTE.

MEET ME

AT BLADES TONIGHT.

BLADES TONIGHT.

YES, WHAT ?

YOU CAN DROP HIM OFF IN FRONT

CAN DAVID AND I

GO TOO, PLEASE ?

YOU SMELL.

HEY, seniorita.

THAT HURT MY LOBES.

I DIDN'T DO IT. THEY

STARTED THE WHOLE THING.

KASHMIR ?

RAJNEESH, IS IT ?

HOW MANY MINUTES

FOR THE BURRITO ?

[ Rajneesh ]

ONE MINUTE.

AH, MAKE UP

YOUR MELONS !

IS IT ONE OR TWO ?

[ Rajneesh ]

OKAY.

OKAY, MY FRIEND.

TRY AND EXPERIENCE...

WHAT I'M ABOUT TO CHIRP

IN YOUR LOBES, COOL ?

WE'RE GOING

TO DISCUSS GRINDAGE;

HOW TO FILL THE FURNACE,

PACK THE CHEEKS AND

YOU'RE USED TO

EATING TWIGS, RIGHT ?

BUT HERE IN THE U.S. OF A-AGE

WE GOT SOMETHING CALLED...

THE FOUR BASIC FOOD GROUPS,

AND THIS IS NOT ONE OF 'EM.

OH.

LOOK AT WHAT

WE HAVE HERE.

DAIRY GROUP.

MILK DUDS. HIDE THESE

UNDER YOUR PILLOW SO

IF SHE DOES,

YOU'RE TWEAKED, BUDDY.

KEEP ON CRUISIN'.

FRUIT GROUP.

SWEET TARTS.

THESE ARE KILLER.

SO CITRUSY, DUDE,

KEEP ON CRUISIN'.

UH-HUH.

RIGHT, THIS IS

THE VEGETABLE GROUP.

CORN NUTS ! PUT 'EM

ON A PEDESTAL, BRO.

LOOK AT THAT !

THOSE ARE KILL, HUH ?

MEAT GROUP !

COME ON, THE MEAT GROUP.

THESE ARE MY FAVORITE !

HEY, YOU GOTTA BE EQUAL,

EQUAL, FIFTY/FIFTY.

HERE. MMM.

MMM.

OOH ! FIGURES.

HOT ON THE OUTSIDE,

ICICLE IN THE MIDDLE.

YOU LIKE THAT, RIGHT,

'CAUSE YOU'RE A CAVEMAN.

COOL, BUDDY.

THE BEVERAGE !

ICEE, BRO.

THIS IS WHAT PUT

THIS PLACE ON THE MAP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING,

MR. STONEY ? NO, NO !

- YOU CAN'T DO THIS HERE.

- YOU MUST LEAVE NOW, PLEASE.

-LOOK, KASHMIR, RAJNEESH, CHILL.

-NO BUDS CHILL !

LINK AND I ARE

CRUISIN' THE MOUNTAIN AND

- NO WEASIN' THE JU-UICE.

- WEASE THE JUICE !

NO ! NO WEASIN'

THE JUICE.

NO WEASIN' THE JUICE.

HEY, JUST CHILL,

BUDS.

IT'S OKAY.

JUST CHILL.

I'LL BE BACK.

NO BUDS CHILL !

[ Screaming ]

OH GOD, NO !

WAIT ! STOP !

HERE WE GO !

[ Screaming ]

COMIN' HOME !

WAS THAT THE HOTTEST

OR WHAT, BRO ?

[ Stoney ]

?? JOY TO THE FISHES

?? JOY TO YOU AND ME ??

[ Dave ]

WHERE DID YOU GO ?

YOU JUST TOOK OFF.

DO YOU KNOW

HOW WORRIED I'VE BEEN ?

YOU SOUND LIKE

MY MOM.

WHAT'S ON HIS NOSE ?

JUST CHILL, DAVE,

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHY ?

LINK AND I HAD A

STONEY TIME AT THE MOUNTAIN.

YOU TOOK HIM TO

MEGA MOUNTAIN ?

YEAH, 'CAUSE THEY'RE

RIDING THE VAPOR IN REVERSE.

THEY ARE ?

OH, COOL.

CHECK OUT THE FRESH NUGS.

WEASIN' THE JUICE.

O-O-O-OW.

BUDDY.

[ Link ]

CHECK OUT MY CAP.

OH MY GOD !

YOU GOT HIM

O-O-O-OW.

GEE, LINK, THAT

IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

YOU KNOW, MR. M.,

THE WAY I LOOK AT IT,

YOUR DAUGHTER AND I

COULD BE MARRIED...

AND WE COULD

BE RELATED.

SO, STANLEY,

HOW'S YOUR MOTHER ?

SHE'S REALLY BUMMED.

CAN YOU PASS THE PEAS ?

SURE.

THANKS.

MR. MORGAN, IF YOU'RE EDGED

'CAUSE I'M WEASIN' ON YOUR

'CAUSE IF I HAD

THE WHOLE BRADY-BUNCH

I'D GO GRIND OVER THERE.

SO DON'T TAX MY GIG SO

HARD CORE, CRUSTER.

- STANLEY, SPEAK ENGLISH.

- DAD !

LINK, HOW WAS YOUR DAY ?

HOW ARE YOU ADJUSTING ?

HE'S DOIN' JUST GREAT.

WE GOT HIM ENROLLED

DIDN'T WE, PAL ?

YEAH.

A SUCCESS.

[ Fly Buzzing ]

WHAT'S UP ?

HOW WAS YOUR DAY, MOM ?

WHERE YOU GOIN' ?

- WHAT'S HE DOIN' ?

- I THINK HE'S TRACKING A FLY.

?? SHOO, FLY

DON'T BOTHER ME ??

?? SHOO, FLY

DON'T BOTHER ME ??

?? SHOO, FLY

DON'T BOTHER ME ??

?? 'CAUSE YOU BELONG

TO MY FRIEND, LINK ??

GOOD CATCH.

MEAT GROUP !

[ Sniffing ]

HE'S INTO MUNCHIN' TOO,

YOU KNOW.

BLADES... FINALLY

PART OF THE ELITE.

HOW COOL ARE WE ?

WE'RE COOL.

DAVID, I EVEN SHOWERED.

CHECK OUT MY --

I GOT SOME RADICAL

DEODORANT ON, BUDDY.

?? OH NO

YOU'RE INVITED BUT

LINK, HEY !

I AM SO GLAD

TO SEE YOU.

OH, HON, LOSE THE GEEK SQUAD.

THEY'RE BAD FOR YOUR DEAL.

BLADES !

HUMMER PATROL,

BARNEYS INCOMING.

ROBYN.

GET HIM.

GOT HIM.

HEY, ROB--

ROBYN !

GOOD.

THAT WAS NOT COOL

AT ALL, YOU GUYS.

YOU COULD HURT HIS

PANCREAS OR SOMETHING.

I LIKE THE KETCHUP

AND MUSTARD.

WHOA !

IS THAT ME ?

BETTY.

BETTY ?

BETTY, BETTY NUGS.

BETTY NUGS.

ROBYN, DON'T FORGET,

WE'VE BEEN

NAKED TOGETHER.

NICE BODY.

REMEMBER WHEN

DID YOU SHOW THIS

TO ANYONE ?

THAT'S YOUR COPY.

SHOW ANYONE YOU WANT.

OH, I GET IT.

THIS IS LIKE YOUR

DO YOU MISS HER ?

UGH.

BECAUSE I CAN TELL YOU

FROM EXPERIENCE,

LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS

NEVER WORK OUT.

ESTONIA'S A

LONG WAYS AWAY, LINK.

AND I'M RIGHT HERE...

SO LET'S WORK ON CHANGING

YOUR MIND.

RAD MOBILE

RAD MOBILE.

WHOA !

OR NOT.

YOU JUST THINK I'M

BAD FOR YOUR ACT,

RIGHT, AND YOU THINK

I'M GOOD FOR YOURS.

WHAT ?

MATT !

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' ?

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED IN HERE.

WHOA-OA-OA !

WOO !

WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO !

ARE YOU DEAF, DORK ?

DIDN'T I FORBID YOU

TO SPEAK TO HER ?

THAT'S ALL, LINK.

IT'S OVER.

END OF STORY.

[ Yelling ]

[ Indistinct Arguing ]

I'M SORRY.

[ Link ]

WEASE SOME JUICE !

HEY, YOU WANT

A PIECE OF ME ?

OH GOD !

I DON'T KNOW YOU.

I DON'T LIKE YOU.

AS OF NOW,

I'M ALL OVER YOU.

DID YOU SEE THAT ?

THE NEW KID,

WHOA !

DON'T JUST STAND THERE.

DO SOMETHING.

HIT HIM BACK !

LINK, HIT HIM BACK !

WHERE YOU GOIN' ?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR

BULGARIAN DORK BUD, NOW ?

HMM ?

THAT WAS HARSH,

MATT.

LET'S GET

OUT OF HERE.

THE STENCH OF LOSERS IS

DOING DAMAGE TO MY SINUSES.

JUST STOP IT, MATT.

DON'T EVEN COME NEAR ME.

HEY, WATCH IT.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THIS,

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK

HEY !

I CAN'T BELIEVE

HE GOT NAILED.

A PACIFIST CAVEMAN !

YOU'RE MENTAL.

CAVEMENS AREN'T LIKE US,

DAVE.

THEY FOUGHT FOR FOOD AND

SURVIVAL. THEY DID NOT

WHAT WOULD HE BE

FIGHTING FOR, HUH ?

FOR US !

TO BE COOL !

HE DOES NOT KNOW

WHAT COOL IS.

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE IS.

HE KNOWS NOTHIN'.

HE'S GOTTA LEARN

HOW TO DEFEND HIMSELF.

AGAINST WHAT ?

AGAINST BUTT HOLES

COME ON.

?? I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT

MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT ??

?? I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT

MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT ??

[ TV Announcer ]

OUR AIRPLANE'S BEEN

[ Dave ]

STOP !

HEY, STOP !

?? KNOCK YOU OUT ??

[ Grunting ]

?? I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT

MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT ??

?? I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT

MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT ????

[ Bell Ringing ]

HEY, LOOK !

HEY, DUDE.

YOU TOOK IT FROM WILSON.

NO ONE'S EVER DONE THAT

BEFORE AND SURVIVED.

LINK,

COME BACK HERE.

OH GOD.

HE IS SO COOL.

?? MATTY TOLD HATTY ??

?? 'BOUT A THING SHE SAW ??

?? IT HAD TWO BIG HORNS

AND A WOOLY JAW ??

?? WOOLY BULLY ??

?? WOOLY BULLY

WOOLY BULLY ??

?? WOOLY BULLY ??

HEY.

HOMESLICE.

SEE YOU IN

MR. ALBERT'S CLASS.

SLICEY.

HELLO, LITTLE ONE.

WE TOOK A VOTE AND

THE COMPUTER CLUB

WILL BE A VALUABLE ASSET

TO OUR ORGANIZATION.

COMPUTER CLUB.

HOMEBOY.

WHY DOESN'T THAT HAPPEN

WHEN MATT HITS ME ?

GIVE YOURSELF A

FEW MILLION YEARS, DAVID.

[ Indistinct Chatter ]

LINK. LINK.

LINK, GET DOWN.

ALL RIGHT,

COME ON.

NO, NO.

I WAS JUST PLAYIN'.

[ Teacher ]

ALL RIGHT,

WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT HERE

IS A REPRESENTATION...

OF WHAT CRO-MAGNON MAN'S

EVERYDAY LIFE

IF HE WAS HERE TODAY, YOU COULD

SIT NEXT TO HIM, YOU WOULD

STONEY, LET'S MOVE ON.

WE'RE GONNA LOOK AT

[ Growling ]

CLASS, THIS IS

SABER-TOOTHED CAT.

EVEN THOUGH HE'S

BEEN EXTINCT FOR

WHILE HE WAS ALIVE

YOU CAN IMAGINE THAT

WAS A TASTY MEAL

TO ONE OF THESE.

[ Link Screaming ]

THERE'S ONE NOW.

UH-OH.

LET'S LOOK AT

THE MAMMOTH DISPLAY,

LOOK OUT !

WHOA.

LINK ! LINK,

GET OUT FROM THERE !

LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S FLIPPING OUT.

HE KNOWS, DAVE.

WHAT ?

HE KNOWS.

HE KNOWS WHAT

HAPPENED TO HIM.

WE HAVE

TO HELP HIM.

LINK.

LINK. LINK.

OW !

LINK.

HEY. HEY,

COME ON, MAN.

LOOK, I UNDERSTAND.

FAMILY.

YOU OKAY ?

IT'S OKAY.

WE'RE YOUR NEW FAMILY.

WE'RE YOUR

NEW FAMILY.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

[ Stoney ]

HE'S BURNT

SEEING AS WE STARTED

THE SCHOOL YEAR

AND NOW EVERYONE

KNOWS WHO WE ARE,

I DON'T THINK ONE MISTAKE

IS SUCH A BIG DEAL.

BUT YOU'RE DOGGIN' HIM.

JUST PROMISE ME,

JUST A LITTLE MORE MELLOW,

NOT SO MUCH ?

STONEY !

DAVE !

ALL RIGHT.

IF IT'LL MAKE YOU

FEEL BETTER, I'LL BE

ROBYN SWEENEY ?

HERE.

AGAIN ?

I'M SORRY. I CAN'T GET

WHOA. PARALLEL PARKING

IS NOT A THING, UNDERSTAND ?

IT'S NOT A FEELING,

NOT A STATE OF MIND,

YEAH.

GET IN THE CAR AND

OKAY, MR. BEADY.

- LINKAVITCH CHOMOFSKY ?

- UGH, UGH.

WHAT ARE YOU

LOOKIN' AT ?

UGH.

GET INSIDE THE CAR...

AND SHOOT

YOUR BARBER.

CONTRAST THIS

WITH HEMINGWAY'S

WHERE THE BLOOD SPORT

OF BULLFIGHTING...

IS USED AND

PERHAPS WHAT --

OH GOD.

RAD MOBILE !

BOYS, WILL YOU SIT DOWN ?

CLASS ?

YOU PROMISED ME MELLOW.

THIS ISN'T MELLOW.

LINK ! LINK !

DAVE.

[ Dave ]

WATCH THE PEOPLE !

OKAY !

[ Dave ] STONE,

TELL HIM TO STOP !

[ Stoney ]

DIDN'T PHASE HIM, BRO.

ALL RIGHT, LINK.

JOKE'S OVER. STOP !

- HE-E-E-EY !

- STOP THAT CAR, YOUNG MAN !

I'M YOUR TEACHER.

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL !

[ Applause, Cheering ]

WHO WAS THAT ?

CROSSWALK !

CLOSE CALL, BUDDY.

[ Stoney ]

HEY, BUDDY !

HI, ROBYN.

HI, DAVE.

RED LIGHT !

[ Screeching, Honking ]

BOOM !

UP ON TWO WHEELS !

I'VE NEVER SEEN

ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

I GOT THE LICENSE PLATE.

IT'S E684-257.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WRITE

THAT I LEFT THE KEYS

OW-O-O-O-O !

[ Dave ]

I THINK HE'S GOT

THAT CONCLUDES OUR

PARALLEL PARKING FOR TODAY.

[ Robyn ]

LINK, I THINK YOU

[ Stoney ]

HEY, LINK,

[ Dave ]

WHERE ARE WE ?

GREAT !

?? MOVE YOUR BODY ??

?? MOVE YOUR BODY

TO THE RHYTHM OF LOVE ??

?? MOVE YOUR BODY ??

?? MOVE YOUR BODY

TO THE RHYTHM OF LOVE ??

Hola, mi amigos.

IS IT OKAY IF I JUST

CHILL UPON HERE ?

YOU WANNA BE A MAN,

ese ?

EVENTUALLY, YEAH.

BUT I'M ALMOST THERE.

LOOK AT MY PATCH, BRO.

OHH !

Mucho macho.

OOH.

OH, THIS IS TEQUILA ?

WAIT,

WHERE'S THE WORM ?

THE WORM'S RIGHT THERE,

ese.

UT-UH.

I'M A WEASEL.

A WEASEL, EH ?

YOU WANNA BE

- YOU WANNA BE A MAN ?

- THEN DRINK LIKE AN hombre.

NO, I CAN'T.

YOU'RE SHOWING US

AH, YOU GUYS --

THAT'S DISRESPECTFUL,

WEASEL.

BE A MAN, ese.

DRINK IT UP.

DRINK LIKE A MAN.

YOU CAN DO IT,

WEASEL.

YOU CAN DO IT.

Andale.

[ Howling ]

WAIT.

i Otra, otra !

Otra vez, otra vez,

otra vez.

OKAY, OKAY,

STOP !

FIVE MORE, MAN.

[ Chanting ]

WEASEL, WEASEL.

[ Howling ]

[ Chanting ]

WEASEL, WEASEL.

WAIT, STOP.

DUDE, DO I HAVE

????

HEY, STONE.

HEY.

WHERE'S LINK ?

DANCIN'.

????

COOL,

LET'S GO DANCE.

I'M NOT GOOD.

LET'S NOT DANCE.

I, I JUST DON'T

LIKE TO DANCE.

HEY, WEASEL.

WHAT'S HAPPENING ?

DAVE, ENRIQUE.

HEY, MAN,

YOU SEE THAT

muchacha OVER THERE ?

OH MAN, YEAH.

YOU SEE HER ?

DON'T BE LOOKIN'

AT HER, MAN !

YOU SEE HER ?

NO.

IF I SEE ANY MAN

LOOKING AT MY muchacha,

BE RECOGNIZABLE

AS A MAN.

I WANT YOU vatos

TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

SEE YOU LATER,

WEASELS.

?? FEEL THE RHYTHM

FEEL THE RHYTHM EVERYWHERE ??

?? FEEL THE RHYTHM

FEEL THE, FEEL THE

?? MOVE YOUR BODY ??

?? MOVE YOUR BODY

TO THE RHYTHM OF LOVE ??

CHOMOFSKY.

GOT IT.

CHOMOFSKY.

RABIES, DISTEMPER,

FLEA DIP.

WHAT IS THIS ?

IT'S A DOG LICENSE,

MAN.

ANIMAL SHELTER.

WHAT ARE THE

TWO BIGGEST LOSERS

A DOG ?

IT'S NOT

MM-HMM.

LET'S GET

OUT OF HERE.

?? DANCE ??

?? YOU KNOW

YOU REALLY TURN ME ON ??

?? COME ON NOW,

HONEY ??

?? YOU KNOW

YOU REALLY TURN ME ON ??

?? GET FILLED

GET FILLED ??

?? AND WHEN

WHEN, OH WHEN YOU DO IT ??

?? UH-UH-UH-OH

THAT'S THE SONG ??

????

[ Screams ]

WOW ! WOW !

?? UH-UH-UH-OH

THAT'S MY SONG ??

?? LET'S DO IT

LET'S DO IT

?? LET'S DO IT

LET'S DO IT

?? COME ON AND

JUST STICK IT TO ME ??

?? YOU TURN ME ON

COME ON NOW, SUGAR ??

YOU'RE RIGHT, ese.

SHE'S NOT WORTH IT.

- THE vato's GOT THE POINT.

- SHE AIN'T WORTH IT, HOMES !

COME HERE, vato.

POLICE.

Immigraci?n.

[ Dave ]

LET'S GET

OH SHIT !

STONE, TAKE ROBYN.

[ Burp ]

ROBYN, TAKE STONE.

GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

I'LL MEET UP

WITH YOU GUYS LATER.

[ Robyn ]

COME ON, I'LL DRIVE.

[ Making Monkey Sounds ]

LINK !

THE COPS ARE HERE.

GET DOWN.

COME ON.

WE'RE GONNA GET BUSTED !

YOU ARE BUSTED.

GET DOWN, MAN.

[ All Together ]

STONEY IS THE CRUSTIEST vato...

I'VE EVER WITNESSED.

SO DON'T HUSH HIS GIG,

BUDDY.

OW-O-O-O !

[ Indistinct Chatter ]

[ Stoney ]

EH, BUDDY !

BYE, GUYS.

DRIVE SAFELY.

NICE ELEMENT

YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH.

WHO ARE YOUR FRIENDS

IN THE LOW-RIDER ?

GO HOME.

HUH.

WHAT TIME DO YOU WANT ME

TO PICK YOU UP TOMORROW NIGHT ?

IT'S THE PROM,

REMEMBER ?

YOU ARE JUST LIKE

EVERYONE ELSE.

ALL YOU CARE ABOUT

IS WHAT PEOPLE THINK.

IT'S REALLY PATHETIC.

HEY, WATCH IT.

MATT, I'M NOT GOING

TO THE PROM WITH YOU.

I WANNA GO WITH SOMEBODY

WHO'S REALLY COOL,

WHO'S NOT AFRAID OF

BEING HIMSELF OR HAVING FUN.

GOOD NIGHT.

WHO'S COOLER THAN ME ?

YOUR PHONE CALL.

YOU GOT ONE.

THANKS.

[ Phone Ringing ]

MATTHEW WILSON !

HELLO.

ROBYN ?

ROBYN.

DAVE, DID YOU GUYS

GET AWAY OKAY ?

WE'RE IN PRISON.

LOOK, THIS IS

MY ONE PHONE CALL.

I'M USING IT TO ASK YOU

TO GO TO THE PROM WITH ME.

JUST SAY YES,

OKAY ?

[ Sighs ]

NO.

WHY NOT ?

I WANNA GO

WHAT ?

WILL YOU ASK LINK

YOU WANT ME TO WHAT ?

LOOK, I'M SORRY.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WE'LL ALL GO.

WE'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME.

HOW ABOUT THAT ?

DAVE ?

[ Stoney Yelling ]

HEY !

?? C?mo est? usted ?

Muy bonita...

es la d?a.

HEY, WAIT.

HOW WAS JAIL ?

DID YOU MEET ANYONE ?

HEY, WAIT !

WAIT UP.

THINGS JUST DIDN'T

TURN OUT RIGHT.

I MEAN, I DON'T

WANT 'EM CUTTIN' YOU UP

THIS IS JUST WHAT'S

BEST FOR YOU.

IT'S BEST FOR ME TOO,

ALL RIGHT ?

HERE.

FOR RAD MOBILE.

YEAH.

PUT 'EM

IN YOUR POCKET.

DON'T LOOK AT ME

LIKE THAT.

THIS IS JUST THE WAY

IT'S GOTTA BE.

GO ON,

GET OUT OF HERE.

GO ON.

GO ON, LEAVE.

GO.

I'M SORRY.

[ Stoney ]

HEY, HEY, HEY !

TALK TO ME, DAVID.

LET ME KNOW WHAT'S

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' ?

I'M LETTING HIM GO.

WHAT ?

I CAN'T HANDLE HIM

HE'LL BE BETTER OFF

WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.

LISTEN TO ME.

CALL HIM BACK.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I'M NOT KIDDIN'.

IT'S TIME.

I'M SERIOUS.

CALL HIM BACK.

THAT'S HARSH.

HE'S NOT

MY RESPONSIBILITY.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WEASED

OFF HIS GIG THE WHOLE TIME...

'CAUSE YOU THOUGHT MAYBE

HE'D GET YOU SOMEWHERE.

NOW THE GUY GETS A LITTLE CRUSTY

AND YOU'RE GONNA BAG HIM.

IT'S NOT HAPPENIN', DAVE.

THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS

YOU DON'T BAG YOUR FRIENDS

'CAUSE THEY GET IN THE WAY,

LIKE YOU CARE ? THE ONLY THING

YOU'VE CARED ABOUT IS NUGS,

I HAPPEN TO CARE

RIGHT NOW.

YOU CAME ALONG FOR

THE RIDE AND LET ME

'CAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT MIGHT

WORK TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.

THOSE ARE DESPERATE WORDS

OF A LOSER.

MAYBE MATT WILSON WAS RIGHT

ABOUT YOU ALL ALONG.

NO, YOU TAKE IT BACK.

TAKE IT BACK !

YOU'RE A LOSER.

- [ Link ] FAMILY !

- ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

FAMILY.

YOU CAN LET GO,

LINK.

I'M SORRY, MAN.

IT'S OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT GOT INTO ME.

I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN IT,

STONEY.

I'M SORRY, BUD.

OW !

YOU LOOK GREAT.

HAVE A GOOD TIME.

YOU DESERVE IT.

[ Doorbell ]

[ Sniffing ]

IF YOU TOUCH HER ?

UGH.

YOU THINK

THEY'RE READY ?

DAVE ?

DAVE, HEY.

HEY.

YOU'RE NOT READY.

I, I CAN'T GO.

OF COURSE YOU CAN.

JUST GO UPSTAIRS,

NO, REALLY, I CAN'T.

I'M ON PROBATION.

I'M GROUNDED.

HI, LINK.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU GUYS GO.

HAVE A GOOD TIME.

NO, NO, NO.

COME ON.

GO.

ARE YOU SURE ?

GO, HAVE A GOOD TIME.

GO, LINK.

GET OUTTA HERE.

HAVE A GOOD TIME.

DRIVE SAFELY.

GOD, SHE SMELLS GOOD.

[ Dave ]

TO LINK.

MAY HE HAVE A COOL TIME

AT THE PROM.

TOTALLY, BRO,

TO LINKAGE.

[ Sighs ]

THERE'S ALWAYS COLLEGE.

JUNIOR COLLEGE.

[ Matt ]

LINK, GET DOWN HERE.

GIVE ME A BOOST.

[ Grunting ]

WHOA.

[ Laughing ]

GOTCHA.

[ Crashing Sounds ]

[ Sister ]

DAVE !

HEY, WHAT ARE

YOU DOING ?

GIVE ME BACK

THOSE PICTURES.

NO !

HEY, GET BACK HERE !

THEY TOOK THE POLAROIDS.

COME ON.

THOSE ARE

[ Rumbling ]

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Applause, Cheering ]

IT'S UNANIMOUS.

THE VOTE FOR PROM KING...

GOES TO...

WAIT !

WHAT'S GOING ON ?

WAIT !

UGH.

WHAT ARE YOU

TRYING TO DO ?

THIS IS OUR SCHOOL,

RIGHT ?

YEAH.

WE HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW IF

SOMETHIN' BOGUS IS GOIN' DOWN...

IN OUR SCHOOL,

RIGHT ?

YEAH.

RIGHT.

THIS HOMEY RIGHT HERE

HAS TAKEN YOU FOR A RIDE.

HIS NAME ISN'T

LINKAVITCH CHOMOFSKY,

MATT, WILL YOU JUST

STOP THIS ALREADY ?

SHUSH !

TRUST ME.

THEY'VE ALL

BEEN LYING TO US.

BUT I FOUND OUT.

I KNOW THE TRUTH.

DO YOU WANNA KNOW

THE TRUTH ?

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW

WHAT HE REALLY IS ?

YEAH.

[ Girl ]

TELL US THE SECRET !

HE'S A CAVEMAN.

[ Cheering ]

NO. NO !

LOOK, HE'S A FREAK !

[ Applause, Cheering ]

- I GOT PICTURES !

- NO !

SEE ?

LET ME SEE

GIVE ME BACK THOSE PICTURES.

GIVE ME THOSE !

- [ Matt ] NO !

- [ Robyn ] DAVE !

HMMMM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN',

FAG ?

[ Cheering ]

[ Stoney ]

GO, GO, GO !

WATCH, WATCH, WATCH.

[ Link Yelling ]

UH-HUH.

SHUSH !

???? [ "Feed The Monkey"

by Michael Muir ]

????

?? OW ??

????

?? SHE LIKES TO FEED THE MONKEY

SHE LIKES TO FEED THE MONKEY ??

?? SHE LIKES TO FEED THE MONKEY

SHE LIKES TO FUNKY ??

?? SO GATHER 'ROUND AND

LET ME TELL YA ALL A STORY ??

?? ABOUT A BOY

AND HIS MONKEY ??

?? HE'S GOT THAT KIND OF MONKEY

THAT THE GIRLS WANNA KNOW ??

?? HE LIKES TO TAKE HIS MONKEY

EVERY PLACE THAT HE GOES ??

????

OW-O-O-O !

?? HEY, HO

JUST SAY THE MONKEY ??

WATCH THIS.

OKAY.

?? I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW

HOW YOU GET SO HUNGRY ??

?? I'D LIKE TO KNOW

WOULD YOU BE MY MONKEY ??

?? MONKEY LIKES TO DO

THE WILD THING ??

?? MY MONKEY DON'T SCRATCH

MY MONKEY DON'T BITE ??

?? MY MONKEY

DON'T SWING IN NO TREE ??

?? MY MONKEY DON'T TRICK

MY MONKEY DON'T FOOL ??

?? MY MONKEY

BE SWINGIN' WITH ME ??

?? MY MONKEY DON'T FREAK

MY MONKEY DON'T HIT ??

?? MY MONKEY DON'T

WEAR NO CAPE ??

?? YOU CAN TELL WHEN MY MONKEY

WANTS TO EAT ??

?? 'CAUSE HE TURNS INTO

A BIG OL' APE ??

????

[ Making Monkey Sounds ]

????

[ Horns Honking ]

????

WHAT YOU DID

WAS PRETTY COOL.

WHO CARES ABOUT COOL

ANYWAY, RIGHT ?

THERE'S ONE REALLY COOL

THING I WANTED TO SHOW YOU.

WHAT ?

THIS.

[ Cheering, Laughing ]

OH, DAVE !

HEY, BUDDY.

[ Alarm Ringing ]

[ Yelling ]

[ Stoney ]

IT'S YOUR CAVE NUG.

UGH.

[ Screaming ]

- AH-HA-HA-HA-HA !

- OW-O-O-O-O !

[ Link, Stoney ]

YEAH !

OH YEAH !

YEAH, BUDDY.

SHE IS SO GREASY !

DUH-H-H-Y !

AH ! HEY.

BUDDY,

OW-O-O-O !

YEAH !

I'LL BE BA-ACK !

?? WOW ??

????

?? OH YEAH, STONERS ??

?? WHAT'S UP, BRO

OW-O-O-O ??

?? BUDDY, FIESTA ??

????

?? DO YOU NEED A WOMAN

GOT THE LOOK IN HER EYES ??

?? WANNA CUT ME DOWN TO SIZE

SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO ?

?? IT'S TRUE ??

?? WHO'S THAT GORILLA

STANDING BY YOUR SIDE ??

?? OH NO

THAT MUST BE YOUR BRIDE ??

?? YOU WOULDN'T BE

WITH SUCH A FOOL ??

?? OR YOUR MAMA TOO ??

?? THERE'S SOMETHIN' OVER HERE

I WANT YOU TO SEE ??

?? THERE'S A PARTY

BUT IT ISN'T FOR THREE ??

?? GET ALL THIS STRAIGHT

BETWEEN YOU AND ME BECAUSE ??

?? OH NO

YOU'RE INVITED BUT

?? WHOA NO NO

COME ON, BABY

?? WOW ??

????

?? HEARTBREAKER, YEAH

YOU CAME FOR THE SHOW ??

?? BUT LITTLE DID YOU KNOW

YOU'D END UP IN THE SPOTLIGHT ?

?? WELL ALL RIGHT ??

?? COME ON, BABE, WON'T YOU

SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT ??

?? READY OR NOT

I WANT TO ??

?? HERE WE GO ??

?? OH NO ??

?? I'M MAKIN' PLANS

FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT ??

?? SO TELL YOUR FATHER

THAT HE BETTER NOT BITE ??

?? MY JAWS ARE BIGGER

AND I'M READY TO FIGHT ??

?? SO COME ON, COME ON, COME ON

GIVE IT UP TONIGHT ??

?? WHOA NO

YOU'RE INVITED BUT

?? WHOA, NO NO

COME ON, BABY

?? WHOA NO

YOU'RE INVITED BUT

?? WHOA, NO NO

COME ON, BABY

?? WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME FUN ??

?? WOW, HAVE SOME FUN, BABY ??

?? OH BUT YOU CAN'T COME ??

HA-HA-HA-HA.

?? WOW ????

Encino Man (1992) - full transcript