Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988) - full transcript

'So that's what you look like.

'You're ugly! Horrible!

'Go on. Try your intellect on me.'

'I'll see you in hell first!'

'Stop!'

'Let's get out of here!'

'Cease firing.'

- 'He acted like he knew it.'
- 'He did.

'He learned almost too late
that man is a feeling creature.

'And because of it
the greatest in the universe.

'There is hope,
but it has to come from man himself.'



I have to go.
I'm gonna eat now.

Hold on. Just a second.

'Hello, darling. It's me again.

'Yours cruelly, Elvira.

'The gal with the enormous...
uh, ratings. Hmm.

'Well, that's our show.

'I hope you enjoyed watching it
as much as I did.'

Oh, boy. I mean, could you believe
that cheesy-looking monster?

Looked like Gumby on steroids.

Well, at least
the movie had a moral.

Where's the shrimp?

Are you ready for the news?

Does anybody know
what that movie was about?

Uh, I'll tell you what it was about.
It was about an hour and half too long!



- Cut.
- Hmm. Oh...

And, uh, don't forget next week,
it's "The Head with Two Things"...

Uh, I mean,
"The Thing with Two Heads".

And until then this is Elvira,

the gal who put the boob
back into boob tube,

saying unpleasant dreams.

- Got the news in one minute.
- Very nice.

Hey! Put me down, will ya?

How do you expect me
to fix your hair...?

Oh, idiot!

Is there anything
that could possibly shame you?

Yeah. Wearing this
in a public place might do it.

Ha!

Get it, girlfriend!

You got your news and counting?

- Elvira.
- Not now, Rudy.

Wait a sec, wait a sec.
See, see that guy over there?

What, the lard bucket
in the ten-gallon hat?

Yes, that's the station new owner.

From the edge of the sea
to the end of the valley...

- You what?
- Shut up!

Relax, relax.

This guy's a millionaire, OK?

Mr. Hooter...

...this is, uh, Elvira.

Name's Earl, but the ladies back home
call me Longhorn.

Maybe you can guess why.

Gee, I... I don't know. Does
it have anything to do with your breath?

Why don't we let this little filly
get herself gussied up? And...

...the sooner I get in the saddle,
the better.

Well, sorry, partner.

But it looks like it's gonna be you
and your trusty old right hand.

Sounds like you're looking
to get yourself fired, little lady.

Huh! Go ahead and fire me.

I need this job like a leper
needs a three-way mirror!

It just so happens
I have an act opening up in Las Vegas.

Oh, terrific. You can try your act
out on me. It's milkin' time!

That's it! I'm walkin'!

I don't have to take this
from anybody!

And as for you,
you cretinous cowpoke...

Whoa! She's got Hooter!

Somebody on the floor,
get her out of there.

...within so much as ten feet of me

and I'm gonna tie your weenie
in a granny knot!

Whoa!

You said she was a nympho.

Come on, will you?
Not the ball game! Oh!

- You can't quit!
- What's the big deal?

As soon as my show opens
in Las Vegas,

I never have to host
one of those crap horror movies again.

- There's no problem with the show?
- Problem?

Complications maybe,
but never a problem.

All right. Out with it, Manny.

OK. The Flamingo won't...

...won't go ahead
with the show

unless you come up
with some money.

- Well, how much do they want?
- 50,000 dollars.

50,000 dollars?
Are you nuts?

Where am I gonna
come up with that kind of money?

Maybe it's not too late
to get your job back.

Forget it, Manny. I'm never working
for that sleazeball again!

I'll just have to find
another sleazeball.

- Ooh!
- A telegram for Miss Elvira.

I'll take it.

"Dear Elvira, as executor of the estate
of your great-aunt, Miss Morgana Talbot,

"I'm sorry to inform you
of her un... timely passing."

Whoa! I didn't even know I had a good aunt,
much less a great one.

Let me see that.

Says here all I have to do
is come to Fallwell, Massachusetts,

for the reading of the will
and I'll pick up my inheritance!

Is that timing or what?

"And lastly
to my enchanting niece Elvira,

"who has unflinchingly withstood

"the slings and arrows
of an imperfect world

"without so much
as a whimper or a complaint..."

Mm.

...I bequeath my entire fortune."

Oh.

Let's show Elvira
exactly what she's inherited!

Elvira, you are going to start
with something that dreams are made of.

A beautiful new sailboat!

You're going to sail away

in a sporty Sunchaser II from Snark.

And that's not all.

When you're tired of sailing,

you'll drive home
in this brand-new Jeep Wrangler!

I needed one of those!

And you'll sit down to dinner at
this beautiful ten-piece dining-room suite

from American Heritage.

And top... and top of all of that...

...money!

Lots and lots of money!

Elvira? Elvira, are you all right?

Hm. Go ahead
and call The Flamingo, Manny.

Tell 'em I'll have that 50 grand

as soon as I get back
from Massachusetts.

Las Vegas, here I come!

♪ Hey, hey

♪ Hey, hey...

♪ Hey, hey

♪ Hey, hey
I've been around round and round

♪ I broke it up
cos you shot me down, down, yeah

♪ Oh, yeah...

Hop in, sailor!

♪ I took a ride on your winding road

♪ Told you some secrets
I ain't ever told before...

♪ No more...

♪ So if you wanna meet
in the halfway...

Here. You forgot your axe!

♪ I said once bitten, twice shy

♪ I said once bitten, twice shy...

♪ There's a place
just down the road

♪ Where the little ones
have fallen souls

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Oh, yeah...

♪ Take me to Shanghai,
take me away

♪ I need a rest
from this crazy masquerade...

You know you were doing 50
in a 25 mile-per-hour zone?

Uh, no. But if you hum a few bars,
I'll fake it.

Oh, I gotta get a new joke.

This one's costing me a fortune.

♪ I said once bitten, twice shy

♪ Huh...

♪ Hey, hey, hey... ♪

♪ I go inside
and order some chicken-fried steak...

Hey! How about some gas?

♪ Chicken-fried steak

♪ Oh, chicken-fried steak

♪ Potatoes and gravy

♪ And peas on a plate...

This...

♪ Don't make no mistake

♪ There ain't nothing better
than chicken-fried steak

♪ Well, the first bite
is the best bite

♪ It's the one that sets me free

♪ Smothered in some gravy

♪ It drips all over me

♪ I can sink down into it

♪ It's more than I can take

♪ When I started chewing
on that chicken-fried steak

♪ Chicken-fried steak

♪ Oh, chicken-fried steak

♪ Potatoes and gravy

♪ And peas on a plate...

-
- You know, those things'll kill ya.

Have a nice day!

♪ Chicken-fried steak

♪ If there ever comes a time,
I get my gun and I go wrong...

♪ And the judge says I must die

♪ Or the jury wants me gone... ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ Ow

♪ Just like a cat on a hot tin roof

♪ Feel I'm feminine

♪ Why can't you lose her?

♪ Once bitten, twice shy

♪ I said once bitten, twice shy...

Hi.

♪ I said once bitten, twice shy

♪ I said once bitten, twice...

♪ So, if you wanna meet
in the halfway

♪ Too damn bad

♪ I said once bitten,
twice shy...

- ♪ I said once bitten, twice shy...

♪ Huh... ♪

I can make darn sure he doesn't get it.
I have my ways, you know.

- Keep the kids back, honey.
- Well!

Ooh! Ooh!

Well, I never!

Yeah, and you never will
with them soup cans on your head.

Listen, young lady, I don't know
who you are or where you came from,

but you most certainly
don't fit in this town.

Why, you don't even fit
in that dress.

Listen, sister, if I want your opinion,
I'll beat it out of ya.

Anita!

Anita! It's the Antichrist, I tell you.
The Antichrist!

Can someone tell me
where there's a garage around here?

Yeah, yeah.
There's one right up the street.

Oh.

Well, uh, would one of you
big strong men

mind give me a little push?

Easy, easy.
Don't scratch the paint.

She's incredible.

And what I wouldn't do
for just one peek at those gazongas.

They're unreal!

Oh, great!
That means I'm stuck in this hellhole!

I mean, this quaint little hellhole.

Uh, listen, is there a motel
or somethin' around here?

Well, there's the Cozy Cot
down by the widow Bishop's feed store.

Of course, her son sort of took that over
after she had that spell of gingivitis.

Her whole mouth swole up.
It looked like she ate a box of staples.

Folks were saying she got it from kissin'
that old dog of hers.

Nice tits.

Yoo-hoo!

Can I have a room?

Sorry. We're booked solid.

So how it come
it says "vacancy" out there?

Look, we do have a room.

Remember the trucker
with the bad skin

that checked out this morning?

Eew. I hope you changed the sheets.

Hi.

Is that makeup
I see on your face, young lady?

Hm... No, ma'am.

I mean, yes, ma'am.
Well, just a little.

How many times have I told you?
You're too young to wear makeup.

- No, Mother, I don't see the harm...
- Shut up, Leslie!

Grandma, all the other girls at school
are wearing makeup.

Well, if all the other girls at school
jumped off a cliff,

would you jump off a cliff?

You don't have the sense
that you were born with! You have...

I hate to interrupt this little episode
of "The Waltons" but could I get a room?

OK, but it's cash upfront.

I know what you pinko,
heavy metal weirdos

do to motel rooms.

Read all about it in "The Star".

I'll, uh, I'll show the lady
to her room.

Oh, no, you don't!

Hey, don't let them get you down.

I used to get the same line
about makeup

from the nuns
at the orphanage.

Of course, I was only eight.

Uh... I'm Elvira.

I'm Robin.

So, um, Robin, what's there to do
for fun around here, anyway?

- Hmm. This town isn't real big on fun.
- Hm.

Well, there is one place that's open.
The bowling alley.

That gets real wild
on League Night.

Gee, I think I can handle it.

Oh, I am so sure.

They must think we're really stupid.

They're gonna kill Spider-Man
with plutonium?

He's got radioactive blood.

Yeah? Let me see that.

- Hey, man. What did you do that for?
- Shut up!

Look at what just walked in.

Ooh, uh, Bloody Mary.

No hard liquor served past eight o'clock.
Do you want a Virgin?

Uh, maybe, but, uh, I'll have
a couple of drinks first.

Mm. Uh.

Hey, baby.

I got somethin' to show you.

Sorry.
Left my magnifying glass at home.

Hey, that's pretty good. Billy...

that is no way to talk to a lady.

So... how about a blowjob?

Ah...

I bet you think that was pretty funny,
don't ya?

I enjoyed it.

Yeah? You're gonna enjoy
this even more.

- Uh, uh, uh.
- I'll cut you, man!

Oh! She stabbed me!

- Faked ya out.
- Yeah, well, this ain't fake, baby!

So stand still
cos I'm gonna... I'm gonna...

Um, my name is Elvira,
but you can call me... tonight.

Hmm. I'm Bob. Bob Redding.

Pleased to meet you.

Look at this mess.
Who the heck is gonna pay for it?

It's all right, Patty.
I'll take care of the damages.

Seems to me
it's all this cheap little tart's fault.

Cheap? Who are you calling cheap?

What's that perfume you're wearing?
Catch of the day?

Look, honey, I don't know
which hole you crawled out of,

but I suggest you crawl right back in
if you know what's good for you.

Yeah, you better watch out.

You could put somebody's eyes out
with them things.

Hmm.

- Break it up.
- We better go.

It looks like
you've got some competition, Patty.

Charlie, trash
does not compete with class.

Right down the street
at the Cozy Cot.

Oh.

So, what brought you to Fallwell?

Um, my car.

No, I'm here for the
reading of my great-aunt Morgana's will.

Morgana Talbot? She's your aunt?

Yeah, came as a surprise to me too.

I never really knew her,
but I sure admired her spunk.

She never caved in the way
everybody else in this town has.

Well, I don't wanna bore you
with local politics.

Go ahead. Bore me.

OK, we've got this town council
that lives in mortal fear

that somewhere, somehow, somebody
in Fallwell's having a good time.

Oh.
Bunch of real preservatives, huh?

Oh.

- I run the movie house.
- Oh, really? I'm in movies too!

Have you ever shown,
uh, um, "I Married Satan"?

No.

How about the sequel,
"I Married Satan 2?"

No.

Uh... Hm.

I, uh... I can only play G-rated movies.

Oh, well, there's nothing wrong
with G-rated movies,

as long as there's lots
of sex and violence.

Um, hey, listen, Bob. Hmm.

I'm only gonna be in town
for a couple of days

and... I can't think of anyone
who I'd rather squeeze into my...

...agenda.

Gee, that'd be swell.

Oh, Mr. Talbot.

Your sister was like a mother to me.

She was a mother to me too, dear.

Well, now that we've dispensed with
the obligatory display of bereavement,

you may begin the proceedings,
Mr. Bigelow.

Uh, it was Mrs. Talbot's wish

to have all of her relatives present
for the reading of the will.

All of her relatives are present,
me, myself and I.

Well, apparently,
Mrs. Talbot has a grand-niece, Elvira,

who was also
one of the beneficiaries.

- That's impossible.
- Uh, uh, well...

Who is this grand-niece?

Hey, guys! Sorry I'm late,
but then so's my aunt!

Hey, what she die of?
Nothing serious I hope.

Say, nice jacket.
Who shot the couch?

Hey, is there
a bathroom around here?

I'm telling you the toilet
over the Cozy Cot

looks like somebody's science project.

Who is this woman?

This must be Mrs. Talbot's grand-niece.

Uh, Elvira, this is your great-aunt's
brother, Vincent Talbot.

She was my aunt
and you're her brother.

Then you must be my Uncle Vinnie!

Get this woman off of me!

Oh, and you must be
Auntie Em and Uncle Remus.

Oh! There's no place like home!
There's no place like home!

Hurry up, Bigelow.
Let's get on with it!

Yeah, really. Let's get going
before somebody else dies!

Ooh.

Hm, uh, "This is the certified
and only last will and testament

"of the deceased Morgana Talbot.

"To my housekeeper, Mrs. Morrissey,
for years of loyalty and devotion,

"I leave my silver tea service
and a cash allotment of 5,000 dollars."

Oh.

Hey, babe, what you whining about?

You made out like a bandit.

"To Mr. Morrissey, my driver,

"I leave my automobile
and an allotment of 5,000 dollars."

Whoa, dude!
Ten grand just for the help?

Ha! That old gal
must have really been loaded!

Oh, I mean, dear sweet Aunt Morgana
certainly was generous.

What's it say about me?
What I get? What I get? What I get?

Uh...

- "To my grand-niece Elvira..."
- Come on. Lay it on me, Aunt Morgana.

Big bucks! Big bucks!

Uh, uh...

Uh, uh, "I bequeath my house,
my beloved poodle, Algonquin

"and my precious book of recipes."

That's it?
A house, a dog and a book?

Please, if you will allow me to finish.

"And finally, to my dear brother, Vincent,

"I leave the rest of my estate
and holdings

"of which there is none."

Hm.

Where's the cash?
Where's the furniture?

Where's Bob Eubanks?

He wasn't mentioned.

I don't get it, man, uh, boss.

What's so important
about a dumb recipe book?

That dumb recipe book
contains more power

than your feeble little minds
can ever imagine.

And it rightfully belongs to me.

I must have that book.

Great! Just what I need, a house.

I need a house in Fallwell,
like I need a padded bra!

I can't live here!
I'll go crazy, I tell you!

Get... Oh...

Crazy!

- May I offer you a ride?
- Buzz off, creep! I'm not in the mood!

- Oh, it's you, Uncle Vinnie!
- Yes!

Uncle Vinnie.

I must apologise
for my behaviour in the office.

It's just that your appearance
was a bit of a shock to me.

It's OK. My appearance
is kind of a shock to everybody.

Yes, well,
as you may have surmised,

my sister and I, well...
let's just say we... had our differences.

Yeah, I guess.
You really got shafted.

Uh, look,
I'll tell you what, Uncle Vinnie,

um, I'll share my inheritance
with you.

- You can have the dog.
- No! Thank you.

But I would be interested
in acquiring that recipe book.

You know, for sentimental reasons.
I'd be willing to pay you.

Say, 50 dollars.

Hey, sure! I'll do it for fifty bucks.

Oh!

Vinnie, you got yourself
a cookbook.

That lawyer guy
is taking me over to the house,

so you can pick up it later.

Fine. I'll see you there.

- Oh, uh, don't forget to bring the cash.
- Mm-hm.

Drive!

If one of those bottles
should happen to fall... Oh, we're here.

Wait up!

Hey, this place ain't half bad!

Bet you could get a bundle for it.

Yes, you could,
but your house is over there.

Ooh, Mr. Talbot!

I wanted to thank you for that generous
donation you made to the Morality Club.

- You're quite welcome.
- As I always say, morals aren't cheap.

And speaking of cheap,
uh, a little birdy told me

- that Elvira woman is related to you.
- Mm.

Now, not that it's any of my business,
but then, 'course, everything is.

Believe me, I'm as anxious
to get rid of her as you are.

Oh, good!

You know, because
someone like that comes to town,

the next thing you know they're teaching
sex education in the schools

and they're passing out condoms
to kindergartners.

You remember
when those swarthy fellas...

She won't be with us very long.

Oh. Um...

Uh, why, uh...

Ah, well,
I know I'm needed somewhere.

Chastity Pariah can do.
Bye-bye now.

Careful.
Some of the boards are loose.

What a dump!

Like I said,
the house needs a little something.

Yeah! Like a wrecking ball.

I think Algonquin likes you.

Oh... Here, doggie. Go on.
Go chase this into the street.

I can't stand little dogs.

Boy, if my aunt wasn't dead,
I'd kill her!

Oh.

Sorry, Aunt Morgana.
Just... kidding.

Mm-hm.

Here's the rest of your inheritance.

Your great-aunt's recipe book.

Oh, yeah, some inheritance.

Well, at least
I'm getting 50 bucks for it.

Say, how much you think
I can get for this place?

Well, even though the house
is in disrepair, it is in a prime location.

I'd venture to say
you could get, uh, 70,000.

- 70 grand?
- Maybe more, if it were fixed up.

- Would you be interested in selling?
- Does a chicken have a pecker?

'Course I'm interested!

Now, what am I gonna do
with you?

That's more like it, Algonquin.

Algonquin... What a sissy name.

Let's see. What do I call ya?

I know! Gonk.
How do you like that?

Yeah, hold your horses.

Hi, Uncle Vinnie! You're here
for the book, right? Come on in!

Can I make you a cup of tea
or somethin'?

I wouldn't want to put you
to any trouble.

Mm. Good point.

I can't stay very long, anyway.

Say, you don't wanna buy a house,
would ya?

- I'm afraid not.
- I'll sell it to you cheap.

Uh, no, thank you.

They don't make houses
like this any more.

I mean, look at that detailing.

Look at the craftsmanship! Uh...

What would you pay
for a house like this?

Don't answer
because you not only get a house.

If you act right now,
you also get all this beautiful furniture!

Now what would you pay?
I'm telling you it's a jewel box.

It's a gem, a love hutch for two.

I'll bend over backwards
to make you a deal.

I'll bend over forwards...
I'd stand on my head and...

No! Just the book!

OK. I mean,
if you're gonna get crabby about it...

That's weird. I would have sworn
the book was just on that table.

You promised me that book!

Hey, don't get your panties
in a bunch.

It didn't just walk away.
I'm sure it'll turn up.

Yes!

Of course, it will.

Forgive me.

Hmm. Thinks he's a pitbull.

Good thing
I'm not gonna be here very long.

The neighbours would never get
any sleep.

Ah!

About time, doofus.
Did you bring the camera?

- Do I look like an idiot?
- Want me to answer that?

Shut up, you guys!
She's gonna hear us.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

who's the most drop-dead gorgeous
one of all?

Oh, you're just saying that.

Hmm.

Crap.

- What do you see?
- In a minute, in a minute.

Ow! My fingers.

- Guys, I can't see...
- In a minute.

Wait. God, it's cold out.

Whoa.

Don't drop it. Ow, ow.

Ow! Let me see.

Awesome!

Whoa!

I got ya.

Did you get it?

Bo!

Haven't you boys got some place else
to hang around?

Uh, we heard you might need a little help
fixing up the place.

Hmm. That's very thoughtful,

but why don't you come back
when the light's better?

Good night!

- You blew it!
- Did you see those gazongas?

- Some.
- I got it!

- Great!
- All right!

'Elvira.

'Elvira.

'Elvira.

'Elvira.'

Oh, out, out, out! Out!

- Hi, Elvira.
- Hi.

Oh, hi. You're here.

Richard's folks run the hardware store.
And we got lots of paint.

Oh, do you?
Too bad they don't own the bank.

Uh, I'll be right down.

Let's do it!

♪ You know you make me
wanna shout

♪ Kick my heels up and shout

♪ Throw my hands up and shout...

Hey, Elvira,
we got us a couple more volunteers.

Great! Just grab a tool
and start banging! Hmm.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Say you will

♪ Say it right now, baby

♪ Come on, come on

♪ Say you will

♪ Say...

- Hi, Elvira.
- Hi, Robin. Come on in.

♪ Say that you need me

♪ You wanna please me

♪ Come on now, come on now...

Randy,
can you get me that rag?

Randy!

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

♪ I still remember
when you used to be nine years old...

Young lady!

Robin Meeker, what in the name
of damnation are you doing here?

- You're gonna pay...
- Robin!

I'm gonna find out about this,
young lady!

- Robin!
- Come over here!

When are you gonna learn
to do what you're told?

If you're not gonna do what you're told,
you're gonna end up on...

♪ You know you make me
wanna shout

♪ Lift my head up and shout

♪ Throw my hands back and shout

♪ Come on now, shout

♪ Come on now, shout

♪ All right now, shout

♪ Come on now, shout

♪ Come on, yeah, shout

♪ Come on now, shout

♪ Come on, yeah, shout

♪ Come on, shout

♪ Come on, shout...

Lemonade!

♪ Come on now, shout

♪ Come on, yeah, shout

♪ Come on now, shout...

It's fabulous!

♪ You know you make me
wanna shout...

♪ Come on now, shout... ♪

I tell you, I nearly died.

There she was parading around
in clothes

that couldn't keep
a titmouse dry in a drizzle.

I mean, it was next to nothin'!

I'd say it was next to plenty.

And she had half the teenagers in town
writhing around to that jungle music!

And this morning on my regular tour
of the boys lavatory I confiscated this!

Hm.

I'll be making the announcement
this afternoon.

Henceforth, all students
will be subject to immediate expulsion

if there are found
in the company of that floozy!

Please, I don't think we need
to resort to name-calling.

I think what Calvin is trying to say

is that this Elvira
is a person of easy virtue,

a purveyor of pulchritude,

one woman's Sodom and Gomorrah,
if you will.

A slimy, slithering succubus,
a concubine,

a street walker, a tramp,
a slut, a cheap whore!

She'll be nothing but a bad dream
just as soon as she sells that property.

An open house
has been planned for tomorrow.

But what if she decides not to sell?

What if she decides to settle here?

Well, if she is morally unfit,

then we have every right to do anything
we can to get her out of this town.

- Are we agreed?
- Absolutely.

Maybe we're not being
entirely objective about this.

Shut up, Leslie!

Then it's unanimous.

Harold Glotter, Fallwell Real Estate.

Well, I sure hope you got a buyer.

I haven't had so much
as a lookie-loo.

Don't worry.

I have some wealthy investors friends
who'd buy this house in a minute.

That is... if you play your cards right.

Oh! Honey, I'd do anything
to get rid of this rat trap.

Hm. That's what I like,
a motivated seller.

It's all a matter of technique.

For starters, let's try and...

...set the proper mood.

Oh, good idea. Hmm.

I mean, the less they see,
the better.

Then it's usually a matter
of getting close to the buyer.

Tell him all about
the potential appreciation.

Then guide him
through every nook and cranny.

Slowly unveil everything
from the balcony to the basement.

One area at a time.

When he's so enthralled,
he's ready to burst,

you... clinch the deal!

Ow!

You'll be sorry!
You'll never sell this place without me!

Just because this house is up for grabs
doesn't mean I am!

Ah! Get this dog off!

Ah!

Get back! Get outta here!

"Calm down, Manny", she says!

I've got the Flamingo
breathing down my neck

to cough up the dough
and you're telling me to calm down?

I told ya,
I'll come up with the money.

Heck, I was just... six inches
from selling this house today.

Look, kid, you better get that money
here pronto or you're through.

Do you hear me?

The only showroom you'll see in Vegas
will have Toyotas in it.

And now I understand
she is out looking for a job?

♪ When you're young
and so in love as we...

♪ And bewildered
by the world we see...

Let's go.

♪ How can people hurt us so

♪ Only those in love
would know

♪ What a town without pity
can do

♪ If we stop to gaze upon a star

♪ People talk
about how bad we are...

There's no book upstairs,
but I found these panties.

Try one. They're edible.

Now, keep lookin'!

Huh!

Hey, up!

Excuses, excuses.

- We turned the place inside out.
- Yeah, and tell him about the dog.

Well, it must have been the size
of a water buffalo.

Quiet!

Now, listen to me very carefully.

Go to the courthouse and remove
all the records of the town ordinances

and bring them back to me.

Do you understand?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Then get out!

Come here, dummy.

♪ Can be real,
a town without pity...

Oh.

♪ Can do ♪

Ow!

Oh, my gosh! Elvira, I'm sorry.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I think so.

- How's your head?
- I haven't had any complaints yet.

Excuse me?

Oh, I'll live. Believe me, it's not the
worst thing that's happened to me today.

I mean, every place in this town
and no one will give me a job!

It's... it's like it's a conspiracy
or something.

You know what your problem is?
Chastity Pariah.

Ooh, I thought
that cleared up.

No! Chastity Pariah.
She's the old biddy.

She's got the whole town
turned against you.

Oh, swell!

So now no one will hire me
and I'm flat busted!

Uh, no, I mean I'm broke.

I'd hire you if I could,

but I'm barely make enough money
to stay in business as it is.

Duh! I'm not surprised.

I mean, who wants to pay
to see some quack making duck calls?

And, besides that, Bob,
you got an extra "E" in "matinée".

No, I don't. That's how you spell it.

Uh, Bob, I'm in show business.
I think I know how to spell "matinée".

- Well, I think it's a good idea.
- Mm.

Oh, Bob, how can I ever repay you?

Here. Let me try.

That witch!

I... I guess I better get back to work.

Uh, the matinée's gonna start soon.

Mm. Oh, yeah.
I can see the crowds lining up now.

Bobby, baby, you are gonna go broke
showing turkeys like these.

You gotta a better idea?

It just so happens that I have
some of the classic films of all time

in the trunk of my car.

As a matter of fact...

He who holds the book of sight,

when the moon is drained
of all its light,

will then be ruler of the night,

Master of the Dark!

The lunar eclipse, Morgana.

It's less than a week away.

When the moon
is drained of all its light...

There is nothing you can do!

You're dead and I'm not!

Oh! There you are!

I have been looking all over
for you guys.

You are not gonna believe
the good news.

Yours truly is hosting a special
midnight screening at Bob's theater

of one of the worst movies
ever made!

I mean, it is bad.

You know, like bad as in bad!
Like, "I'm bad, Jamal, you know it."

Hey, what is this?
"Invasion of the Body Snatchers"?

Two days ago
we were bosom buddies.

It's the principal.

Darn right it's the principle.
Friends ought to stick together.

No. I mean, the principal, Mr. Cobb.

He'd kill us
if we went to your show.

Not to mention our parents.

Kill your parents too?

No, our parents would never
let us stay out that late.

Oh. Hmm. I see.

Well, the last thing I wanna do
is get you guys in any trouble.

I mean, so what if it blows
my only chance at making a living?

I mean, that's not your problem.
Hmm.

And if I get so depressed,

I... wind up hanging myself
in the oven?

Heck! Those are the breaks.

But if they ever ask about me,

tell 'em I was more
than just a great set of boobs.

I was also an incredible pair of legs.

And tell 'em, tell 'em
that I never turned down a friend.

I... never turned down a stranger,
for that matter.

And tell 'em, tell 'em
that when all is said and done,

I only ask that people
remember me by two simple words.

Any two, as... long as they're simple.

If we all decide to help Elvira,
what can Cobb do?

He can expel us all.

I do not know about the rest of you,
but I'll be there.

- Me too.
- Count on me.

We're sorry, Elvira.

We'll all come to your show.

Great. 12 o'clock sharp.
Be there or be square.

Shh.

Oh, that looks great!

- You really like it?
- Yeah.

- Elvira, where do you want this?
- Um, just right up there.

- OK.
- What's the bucket for?

I tell you, oh, it's so cool!

This is the part
that I ripped off, uh, um...

Was inspired by "Flashdance".

I reach up, I pull this rope

and my entire body
is covered in gold glitter!

- Couldn't you die?
- All right!

Oh, Bob, I'm telling you,
it's a guaranteed standing ovulation.

You're late.

When the guy gets purée.

Don't worry. They're Italian.

They'll wind up making
a great marinara sauce.

Robin?

Is that you?

Man!

Oh, this is where the heroine
gets grabbed by the tomatoes!

I can't watch!

Boy, this ending's so bad,

the tomatoes ought to start
throwing rotten people at the screen.

Hey, darlings, don't move
because the best is yet to come.

Ladies and Dobermans,
it's time for the grand finale!

♪ Just a steel town girl
on a Saturday night

♪ Lookin' for the fight of her life

♪ In the real-time world
no one sees her at all

♪ They all say she's crazy

♪ Locking rhythms
to the beat of her heart

♪ Changing movement into light

♪ She has danced
into the danger zone

♪ When the dancer
becomes a dance

♪ It can cut you like a knife

♪ If the gift becomes the fire

♪ On a wire between will
and what will be

♪ She's a maniac, maniac
on the floor... ♪

Patty! Ugh!

Ugh, I have never been
so humiliated in my entire life!

Huh... Just wait
until I get my hands on that Patty.

I am gonna rip every single
bleach-blonde hair out of her scalp,

gouge out her eyeballs
and use her head for a bowling ball!

I'm telling you,
they are not gonna get away with it!

That... that barfman Chastity
blacklisting me out of a job

and that... that sleazoid
of a high-school principal

turning all the kids against me.

And that bench-sniffin' real estate letch,
trying to get his commission in the sack!

I'll get even with every one of 'em,
if it's the last thing I do!

- What's that perfume your wearing?
- Super unleaded.

Don't smoke.

Well, here's to my big opening!

I mean...

Forget it.

Uh...

Don't you kids think
it's past your bed time? Hmm.

Oh, heck, no.
I'm not tired... ouch.

It is getting awfully late.

Uh, yeah. We better be going.

Yep.
Well, see you dudes tomorrow.

Ow!

There's the darn recipe book!
How did it get under there?

Uh, that reminds me. I'm starving.

Mm, me too. Hmm.

Uh, let's go get somethin' to eat.

There's an all-night truck stop
on the interstate.

No, no, no, no, Bob.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you set the table,

while I see what I can whip up
in the kitchen?

My aunt sure had lousy penmanship.

I can't read a word of this stuff.

It looks like it was written
in some foreign language or somethin'.

Hm. Hm, hm.
Hey, wait. Look at this.

"Adraka Kazorol".

Kazorol... Oh, casserole!

Mm, that sounds good.

OK. Let's see.
What does it say here?

"One edrazeba."

Huh. Wonder where she keeps
edrazeba around here.

Wow! This is some spice rack.

Tramazol.

Folemgra. Kuderox.

Oh! Here it is! Edrazeba.

Hm, hm.

One edrazeba.

OK! One half folemgra.

Oh...

Whoa!
Looks like the folemgra went bad.

I don't know, it says it's good
until June of next year.

What the heck!
I got a cast-iron stomach.

OK, then. Let's see.

Two to three guletra. Guletra...

La, la...

Uh, let's see. One kuderox.

Kuderox. Where could it be?

Mm.

It doesn't smell too bad.

But it looks like kaka-doodoo.

There! That's much better.

It's soup!

Mmm. Smells great. What is it?

Oh, just a little something
I conjured up.

Oh.

- Allow me.
- Thank you ever so.

Well, I hope you're hungry.

Cos here's dinner!

Ugh!

Get out!

Ugh!

Out, out!

The switch! Bob, the switch!

Eew!

Eew!

First time I was ever an appetizer
for the main course.

Where'd you learn how to cook?

I didn't. I just followed the directions
in my aunt's...

Gonk, what are you doing?
Gimme that cookbook!

Gonk? Gonk!

Gonk, you get back here right now
or you are grounded for one week.

Gonk!

- Oh!
- Gonk, come here!

Déjà vu.

Wow.

Gonk?

Gonk, are you in here?

Gonk, you are very bad, bad dog.

Oh, yuck!
He's slobbered all over it.

Now what do you want?

I think he wants you
to open the trunk.

Well, why didn't you just say so?

Wow! Look at all this cool junk!

This could be you, Gonk.

Eew! I think I used go out with this guy.

Hey, look at this.

Think it's for me?

Go ahead. Open it.

Uh-uh. You open it.

"Dearest, Elvira.

"For all these years
I protected you from the truth,

"but the time has now come
when your only protection is the truth."

Say what?

Let me see this.

"Your mother, Devana,

"was an extraordinary woman.

"She was the true Mistress of the Dark.

"But her power
did not go unchallenged."

'For 300 years
your great-uncle Vincent

'coveted her dominion.'

300?

God, I hope I look that good
when I'm that old.

'He would have
destroyed you, as he did her,

'had I not sent you away.

'I left you with all the power
you would need to protect yourself

'and entrusted you
to my loyal familiar.'

What's that about a familiar?

Bob, haven't you ever seen
any old Roger Corman movies?

Every witch has one. They're like a pet
that can change into almost anything.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Um...

"But it wasn't you alone
that I sought to protect,

"it was the book
that contained your mother's magic."

'Our enemy
is a formidable one.

'Protect the book, Elvira.

'And above all keep it from Vincent

'when the moon falls
under the Earth's shadow.

'Remember, you carry the power
with you.

'Your loving aunt, Morgana.'

Too macabre!

I knew I was different, but
I didn't think I was quite that different.

No wonder Vinnie
had such a spaz attack

when I couldn't find the book!

Yeah, you heard
what your aunt said.

He can't get his hands on it.

No way he's gettin' it now.

I mean, here I am knocking myself out
to make a living as a horror hostess

when I'm actually descended from,
like, a major metaphysical celebrity!

Oh, all I have to do
is just find the right spell

and I can make the money
I need for Vegas.

I mean, really make the money.

Uh, I don't think you should go foolin'
with that book again.

Bob, here it is!
"Selzba Riki Moola!"

This exactly what I need.
Lots o' moola.

OK, OK.
Selzba riki moola sheen.

Hey, Elvira, I... I don't think...

Pasera floctum kezrah flome!

It's, it's working, Bob!
It's, it's working!

- Bob, are you still here?
- Right here!

What is this?

Oh. Why, Bob!

You know, Bob, I may be wrong,

but I think
that might have been a love spell.

Really?

Oh, Bob!

Bob.

Hold me, Bob. Hold me.

Stand up. Up.

Chastity, the picnic's a great success.

Yes, I think it's something
we can all be proud of.

Come and get it.

Ooh. Now, you children,
you're acting like wild animals.

Get to the end of the line now.

It all looks so good!

I can't remember
when I've been this hungry.

- Mmm...
- Ooh, Melody.

I see you've made
your famous Tic Tac pie.

Bob, what are you doing?

- You scared the hell out of me!
- What's going on?

Let's just say
I'm settling the score.

Oh, no!

Well, it is a pot luck.

And when they open that pot

they're gonna need
all the luck they can get.

Oh, I don't believe
I've had any of this.

Revenge is better than Christmas.

I don't get it. What happened?

Looks like some sort of casserole.

Mmm.

Ooh! This is marvelous.

I must get this recipe. Mmm!

Oh, shoot!
I must've screwed it up

when I substituted the falengra
with some Hamburger Helper.

Oh, yes.
Thank you for my drink.

There.

Ah! Ooh.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm-mmm.

I feel a little odd.

Suddenly it's very warm.

♪ I put a spell on you...

Remind you of anything?

♪ Because you're mine...

Remind you of anything?

Mmm.

Give me that! It's mine!

- All mine.

Oh, darling. Ooh.

Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, boy, am I a horn dog?

♪ Because you're mine... ♪

Excuse me.

Is this space taken?

Come on, stud. Let's boogie.

Bob...

Hey! Let's mambo!

Charge!

That's an interesting dish.

Where did you learn how to make it?

Oh, it's just a old family recipe.

All right.

I'll give you 500 dollars
for the book.

What, do I look
like I just fell off the tuna truck?

The deal's off, Uncle!

You think you're pretty clever,
don't you?

- Mm.
- Well, mark my words,

I'll get you and your little dog too!

Ugh.

Help.

No!

Oh, you again?

Do you always wear
the same dress?

No. Sometimes I like to wear
somethin' low-cut and sexy.

Huh.

Well, I guess in your business
it pays to advertise.

Come here, Bob.
Let me show you how a real woman does it.

Mmm-mmm.

Excuse me!

You all saw it!

He attacked me in broad daylight
and he had his way with me!

Me? I barely got away
with my life.

You could have worn out
a mechanical bull!

Ooh! You're not gonna
get away with this,

you sex-addled maniac!

I demand that the council
remove this pervert!

I never laid a hand on those sheep,
so help me.

Calvin was the one who was
painting everybody with apple butter.

I was just an innocent on-licker.

Silence!

Don't you see?

You're playing right into her hands.

It's Elvira
who is responsible for all this.

Of course. I should have known
it was that little harlot.

We ought to ride her
out of town on a big fat rail.

She might enjoy that too much.

There is a much more
satisfactory solution.

We can have her arrested.

Arrested? On what charges?

It's so happens
that there is a law on the books

that dates back to the Salem trials.

It's specifically forbids and I quote,

"Any town's person from practicing
the ancient arts of spell casting,

"demonology, alchemy
and conjuration."

The charge,
my fellow council members, is...

...witchcraft.

Let me outta here!
Let me outta here!

Pipe down in there!

Hey, I've seen the "People's Court".

I'm entitled to one phone call
and a strip search.

Well, there's a payphone
right across the street.

What's the matter?
You forget where you put your broom?

Listen, fatso, if I had a broom,
I know exactly where I'd put it!

Oh, this is swell!
I can just hear Manny now.

"Hello, Vegas! We got a slight crimp
in the plans for the show.

"Yeah, the star was burned
at the stake."

Elvira... great news.

I got you the best lawyer in the county.
He'll be here first thing in the morning.

Bob, in the morning?

First thing in the morning
I'll be able to fit in an ashtray!

- You gotta get me outta here.
- But how?

The book! It's my only chance.

- Quick! Run to the house and get it!
- OK.

Oh, and, Bob, wait!

What?

I hid it under the floorboard
in the living room.

OK.

Oh, and, Bob...

- What?
- Hurry!

Hey, move!

Get down low.

Now.

What are you whining about?
I'm the one getting barbecued.

Oh. Sorry.

At last it's mine.

The power is mine!

Gonk, don't have a conniption fit.

Whoa. It must have done
too much antacid in the '60s.

Four, six, eight,
who do we incinerate?

Elvira! Elvira! Elvira!

Thank goodness, Padre!

I am here to save you,
my child.

At last, someone who can
talk some sense into these people.

Lord, save this wretched
creature's soul!

Even though her creamy white flesh
will burn and sizzle.

Well, isn't that convenient?

Thanks for trying, you guys.

Elvira!

Gonk?

Is that you, boy?

Good work, Gonk.

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Burn the witch! Burn the witch...

Do you smoke?

Guess we'll find out soon enough.

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

Out of the way!

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

Oh, no!
You're not gonna believe this!

- I left my oven on. I'll be a minute.
- Oh!

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

Any last words?

Uh, just one.

Help!

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

Hold it! Hold it down!
Quiet! Quiet!

And now by the power
vested in me

by the sovereign state
of Massachusetts,

I do hereby pronounce sentence
on Elvira, the prisoner.

Death by fire!

Hold it, Sheriff.

What you're doing is wrong.

Patty?

It'll catch faster,
if you light it in several places.

Patty, no!

We ought to have one of these
every year!

- Burn in hell, witch!
- Patty!

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Burn the witch! Burn the witch...

Burn her!

Bye, kids. It's been swell.

Just send my ashes to Las Vegas.

Let me through!

- Elvira!
- Bob!

- Hi, Bob.
- Patty...

You're not a very nice person.

Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
Burn the witch! Burn the witch...

Gonk?

'Remember,
you carry the power with you.'

The ring!

Are you all right?

Look, the lunar eclipse.

Remember? Your aunt's letter.

"When the moon falls
under the Earth shadow..."

- Yeah, so?
- Vincent's got the book!

Elvira!

Elvira!

Gonk! Where is Gonk?

You tricky little devil!

Oh!

Vincent, remember us?
We're on your side.

Swine!

Stay back.

Sic him, Gonk!

Don't make me use this!

The amulet could not protect
your mother

and it won't save you.

Kaldozar ipsole.

Oh. So you wanna play rough, eh?

Well, take this!

Huh? What? Uh...

You cannot escape me,
daughter of Devana.

I shall destroy you as I did her.

Are you looking for me?

Did you think
you could stop me with your toys?

No, but I figured
it'd be worth a shot. Look!

Cosa! Terra! Obtan!

Sure, that's easy for you to say.

Ooh! That hurts!

Now, baby.

Hey.

We have a little unfinished business.

Yeah, well, uh...

I think we could do business, uh...

Uh, yeah, sure.
I can dig it.

Uh, I'm cool, bro.

You know, what it is.
Where it's at. Uh...

I'll show you where it's at.

I am Master of the Dark!

Then I'll see you in hell first.

And now, Elvira, you die!

'Remember,
you carry the power with you.'

So what did the insurance guy say?

My policy doesn't cover
acts of demons.

Well, at least you still got the ring.

Yeah, but the only thing
I can get it to do any more is look cheap.

Gosh, Elvira, I'm sorry.

I know you had your heart set
on playing Las Vegas.

I'm just not the kind of girl
whose dreams come true.

I do better on nightmares.

I wish there was something
I could do.

Yeah,
don't worry about me, Bob.

I'm like fake fruit.
I don't bruise that easy.

There he is, up there.

Uh-oh. Here comes the lynch mob.

Hey, take it easy, take it easy.
I'm leaving.

- We don't want you to go.
- No, no.

This is our way of saying

we were wrong about you
and we're sorry.

Elvira, you're the best thing
that ever happened to our town.

You've touched a part of my son that...
that nobody's ever touched before.

I wish.

As long as you're in Fallwell you will
always have a free room at the Cozy Cot.

Aw!

Wait! Just a minute, Leslie!

Shut up, you old bag.

Well, I finally got it running.

Great!

At least now I'll have a place to live.

But I still don't know
how I'm gonna pay you for it.

Don't worry.
We'll work out something.

Elvira...

I'm, uh...

I'm s... sorry that I set you on fire
and everything and, uh...

I hope there are no hard feelings.

Don't worry.
She's bigger than that.

Yeah, a lot bigger.

Elvira, I've got some important papers
that you're gonna have to sign.

With your uncle gone
you're the only heir to his estate.

- I am?
- Not an inconsiderable one at that.

Las Vegas!

Elvira, that's fantastic!

Las Vegas!

Las Vegas!

Las Vegas!

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'The Flamingo Hotel is proud

'to present
the Mistress of the Dark, Elvira!'

♪ I've always dreamed of doing this

♪ And now I've got my chance

♪ So excuse me
while I indulge myself

♪ In a little song and dance

♪ Well, if you're looking for trouble

♪ Here I am

♪ And if you wanna see double

♪ Here I am

♪ I don't do
what the good girls do

♪ Bad dreams really do come true

♪ Here I am

♪ I'm a bitch in black
so you better stand back

♪ You might get motion sickness
or a heart attack

♪ I can really rap up
with the swelling in your pocket

♪ Make your eyeballs drop
right out of their socket

♪ I'm rough, I'm tough,
I'm woman enough

♪ So get ready
I'm gonna do my stuff

♪ I can take it, I can shake it
I can cook it, I can bake it

♪ If I don't have the recipe
I'll fake it

♪ I'm a volcano that's ready to blow

♪ Look out y'all 'cause here I go ♪

Yeah! All right!

For me? Oh!

Unpleasant dreams.