Elijah's Ashes (2016) - full transcript

Lawrence Shaw is a run of the mill guy who just can't get accepted for being who he is. He's not straight enough for his job where he sells testosterone fueled ad campaigns to beer companies and he's not stereotypically gay enough for his boyfriend. To make things worse, his father Elijah just died and his last dying wish was for Lawrence to go on a road trip with his extremely homophobic half-brother Kevin to bury his ashes. It's a heroically dumb journey of brotherly love and acceptance that begs the age old question... Can you truly accept someone else when you can't even accept yourself?"

(dramatic music)

♪ Ba ba ba, ba ba, ba ba ba ba

♪ Ba ba ba, ba ba, ba ba, ba ba

♪ Ba ba ba, ba ba, ba ba ba ba

♪ Ba, ba ba ba

(music drowns out dialog)

- All right, everyone,
please take your seats.

Grab a beer and plant
yourselves in a chair.

Thank you.

Okay, so, first of all,

I want to thank our client



for coming all the way
out to Portland today.

I know this is not New York,

but we are pretty sure that
after today's presentation,

that is not going to matter.

I would like to bring up

our creative director,
Lawrence Shaw.

Come on up.

Lawrence Shaw, everyone.

- Thanks Martin.

Yeah, hi there.

I am Lawrence Shaw,
creative director

here at White and Kennerby,

and today I'm gonna ask you

to step outside
your comfort zone,



and join me on a journey, a
journey of the imagination.

Yours, to be exact.

So, sit back, relax, let's
just ease our way into this.

What do you say?

All right, let's begin with
the breakdown of your client.

Let's begin to
imagine for a second

that your client sounds a
little somethin' like this.

Let's imagine he drives

an all American four
wheel pickup truck,

with gun racks.

Throw in a couple of
political bumper stickers

and some young hotties in
camo bikinis, of course.

Heck, while we're at it,
let's throw in some jet skies,

maybe a dog or two,

and turn up that music.

I mean, whatever's chartin'
in Nashville will do,

or something a bit edgier.

Can be like '90s rap rock.

How about your client's
faded old ball cap?

Can you tell me what
team's logo's on it?

I didn't think so.

That's okay, that's
why we're here.

Just sit back, relax,
and join me on a journey,

a journey of the imagination.

Yours, to be exact.

- Tell you what, boys,

when I heard we were
coming to Portland,

all I could think about was
micro brews and granola,

and all kinds of gay shit.

And that stuff is just
suicide for our brand.

- And we can't have that.

- No, no, we've been around
for over a hundred years,

and there's good reason.

Yes, indeed, yes we have.

But Lawrence, you, you just
seem to get our client.

It's uncanny how you're...

- It's like he's inside
his head or something.

- That's it.

- Well, Lawrence here is
our brightest young star

at the agency, so...

- Ah, well, bright young
star, what's your secret?

We need to know.

- Well, let's just
say that I have

some very vivid and real
examples in my personal life.

- Okay.

Okay.

I think we can buy that.

- Yeah, I think we might
be persuaded to take that.

Congratulations, gentlemen,

you just got yourself
a new account.

(laughs)

- We don't wait for
someone to come in

and deliver big ideas,

and you boys did that
like gangbusters.

- Yeah, I can honestly say

I haven't been this
excited about a campaign

in a long time.

- Oh well, that is great.

That is great news, guys.

- Thank you, thank you so much.

- No, it's our pleasure.

Can't wait to get started.

- Yeah, the sooner the better.

- And look what time
it's coming to be.

- Whoa.

- Wow, yeah, look at that.

- Gentlemen, we've gotta
get back to Colorado,

kiss the little misses
and the babies goodnight.

The old balls and chains.

- Yeah, I hear that.

- Got kids, Lawrence?

- Me, no no, not yet,

but, you know, we're
definitely tryin' for it.

- Well, good man.

Next trip out here

we'll get all the little
ladies together, huh?

- Oh yeah, and maybe we'll
play a game or two of golf.

Oh, we love to golf.

- That sounds, yeah.

- Fantastic, gentlemen.

Thank you much.

- Later to you, amigos.

Adios.

- Talent, I know talent.

- Yes, you are.

Don't forget to buckle
up on the airplane.

- Hey.

- Yeah.

- That was a great save
on the whole wife thing.

I know that they are,

these guys are really into
traditional family values,

so it's, that's...

I appreciate it.

- Yeah, you got it.

- Hey.

- Good job.

- No, you.

That was fantastic.

- To me.

- Hey, to you.

I'm taking this to go.

- [Lawrence] Okay.

- Don't drink too much.

- I won't, I'll try and stop me.

(gentle music)

I don't know.

I just feel like
I can't be myself.

- [Man] Yeah, and you
got the accounting.

- Yeah, of course.

- Okay, so, what's the problem.

- If I act like who I
really am, then I don't.

You're not taking
this seriously.

- I am taking it seriously.

I just think it's funny

to hear that coming
from you, of all people.

You are literally like the

least gay, gay man

that I've ever met.

- That's not true.

- Seriously?

You don't like going to clubs,

you don't work out,

this place looks like hell.

- Okay.

- We barely have sex.

- I've been really busy,

and I don't particularly care
for all that other stuff.

- Yeah, okay, but,

well, I do.

- All right, we're
supposed to be celebrating

my big account.

- Baby, that's what
I'm talking about.

I hate to break this to you,

but I think this isn't
much of a celebration.

- So, what, are you breaking up?

(phone vibrating)
(gentle music)

Yes, this is him.

What?

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

♪ La, la la la la, la la
la la, la la la la, la, la,

♪ La, la la la la,
la la la la, la

- We shall all miss
Elijah Shaw's generous

and civic minded nature.

His wry sense of humor and wit,

his penchant for no BS
and straight shooting.

And we shall always
look up to him

and appreciation the tenacity

with which he tackled his
roles as a father, a husband,

and philanthropist.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Elijah Shaw was a real and
tangible example of God's will,

and a pillar of strength
in our community.

He will be missed, folks.

He will truly be missed.

God bless Elijah,

and may he rest in
peace for all eternity.

Let us pray.

Our Father who art in
heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Blessed be the name of
our Lord, Jesus Christ.

- Wow, he looks dead.

- I was gonna say the same.

- Yeah, but dead.

- What happened to your mouth?

- Oh.

(laughs)

This lively bridge down
at the old country club.

Nice glasses, by the way.

They make you look gay.

- Well, that's
good, 'cause I am.

- Do you see how his mouth
is open, like just enough.

Does that make ya think
about dicks, Lawrence?

- [Parishioner] Are
you boys about done?

- I gotta abort a turd baby.

- [Lawrence] We're done.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Shaw, so nice
of you to join us,

even if you're a bit tardy.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, flights, you know.

- Understandable.

I just wanted to give
you my condolences,

that my heart goes
out to your family.

- Thank you so much.

- It's my pleasure.

You know, Elijah
was a great man.

- Well, that's what I'm told.

- Anyway, if I could
get the balance.

- I'm sorry.

- We tried your mom's
credit card this morning,

and it didn't go through,

and your brother Kevin's...

- Half brother.

- Apologies.

Kevin said you gonna
take care of it,

so if we could get just a...

- Of course he did.

- Just a payment.

- Right now?

- That would be wonderful.

It was a lovely service.

- You know what, could
we do this not here?

- Oh, my office.

- Yeah.

- Wonderful, yes, of course.
- That's great, okay.

- Oh, Lawrence.

- Oh hey.

- Hey, I'm glad I caught ya.

I just wanted to give you
my condolences, et cetera.

- Thanks for comin'.

- Oh, I wouldn't have
missed it for the world.

Elijah was a terrible
poker player,

but one hell of a
man nonetheless.

Anyway, I also wanted
to just apologize again

for what happened with
Kevin the other night.

Oh, you two haven't talked?

- No, it's been a while.

- I see.

Well, he kind of drove up on us

right after the incident.

- Incident?

I thought my father hit a tree.

- Oh, he did.

But, there was a couple of
things that we need to clear up.

Really haven't had
a chance to talk

with June or Kevin
about this yet,

but we're investigating
a few things

that seemed a little bit odd.

- Okay.

- So, you mind
doing this now, or?

- Yeah, why not?

I mean, I'm not
sentimental, so...

- Okay, so, for one,

really didn't find any evidence

of braking or
stopping at the scene.

- Okay.

- And there's some
eyewitness reports

of Elijah being pretty
drunk at a charity event

for a children's hospital.

It was right before.

- Yeah, well, I mean, my
father enjoyed his scotch.

- Oh, that he did, but,

apparently he gave
a disturbing speech

about the frailties
of life and whatnot.

- What?

- That was my
first reaction too.

- Yeah, that's a little...

- [Sheriff] Bit odd,
considering the man, to be sure.

- Yeah, I would say so.

- So, tell me,

when was the last time you
actually spoke with Elijah?

- I would say it's
been a few months.

- Were you aware
that he had cancer?

- No, I was not.

- [Sheriff] He had
stage four prostate,

according to his doctor anyway.

I guess he wanted to keep
his condition private.

I guess he didn't
wanna burden anyone.

- So, June and Kevin?

- [Sheriff] Not
as far as I know.

- You don't think that he...

- Well, you know, we're
gonna put a comb through it,

and we're gonna look
at it some more,

but it is a possibility.

♪ La, la la la la

(gentle music)

- What the hell happened to you?

- I was talking to the sheriff.

- Oh.

- You okay?

- Not gonna cry about it, if
that's what you're askin'.

- No, I'm just wondering
if he'd heard anything.

- If you really wanna do
something for me, Lawrence,

you can give me a ride
back to the house.

My feet are killin' me.

- What happened to your truck?

- Oh, you know, fascists
holding it hostage

down at the impound lot again.

- Another DUI.

- I like to call them special
awards from the fun police,

but no one's askin' me.

Hey, you think you
coulda found yourself

a smaller or
brighter car to rent?

- You want a ride or not?

- I'm forgettin'
you guys like these

small, tight, confined spaces.

(gentle music)

♪ Ba ba ba, ba ba, ba ba ba ba

♪ Ba ba ba, ba ba, ba ba, ba ba

♪ Ba ba ba, ba ba, ba ba ba ba

♪ Ba, ba ba ba

Lawrence, you are the worst
driver I have ever met.

- Well, at least
I have a license.

- I'm gonna go hurl in the back.

The spare key's under the
garden gnome on the porch.

Try not to get fresh with it.

It's technically still a minor.

♪ La, la la, la la, la la

(gentle music)

♪ La, la la, la la, la la

♪ La, la la, la la, la la

(water running)

Do you leave the door open
so I can see your dick?

- Crap.

- Hey, I'd really appreciate it

if you took better care with
our family memories, Lawrence.

- It was an accident.

- Your flow seems good though.

- Can I get out of the doorway?

- Of course.

Go ahead.

Don't you wanna watch?

(bottle cap clanking)

- [Lawrence] I thought
you were off the sauce.

- I'm dry as a bone.

(deep exhaling)

How's Portland treatin' ya?

Banging lots of dudes?

- I'd rather not
talk about that...

(glass shattering)

- Mother's home.

(dramatic music)

- [Lawrence] Is she drunk?

- It's hard to say.

I mean, I fed her
a bunch of Klonopin

before the funeral, but...

- You can't just drug
my mother, Kevin.

- She was being really annoying.

Nice job, June.

Love you too.

- June, let me help you.

- Don't touch me.

- Mother.

- [June] No, don't you touch me.

- Mother, it's Lawrence.

- Oh, Lawrence.

My baby.

I thought that was
you, but I wasn't sure.

I've been seeing things.

- She's hallucinating.

This is awesome.

- Can you please help me here?

- Here you go, June.

Up and at 'em.

- All right, you okay?

- I'm just fine.

Fine and dandy.

Now, listen to me, Lawrence.

I need you to go
inside the house

and entertain that
lawyer when he gets here.

I need to go freshen up.

- Okay.

You got it.

- Can you imagine
what she is gonna do

when she finds out he
punched his own ticket?

- We don't know that yet.

- The hell we don't.

I was there, Lawrence.

I saw the whole thing.

He killed himself.

- Hey.

- He fucking killed himself.
- Stop.

- Please make yourself at home.

June will be down in a minute.

- Well, I charge
by the hour, so...

- Nice one.

That's good.

June.

Bloodsucker's here.

Sorry, she's probably curling
her pubes or something.

- That's okay, it'll
give me a chance

to get set up and settled.

- Something to
drink, Mr. Bartlett?

- Please, call me Tom.

- Okay, Tom, can I
get you anything?

- No, I'm fine.

- All right, well,
you just let me know.

- I will definitely do that.

Oh, before I forget.

Here's my card.

Feel free to call me anytime.

Day or night.

- I may just do that.

- Why don't you guys just

suck each other's dicks
while you're at it?

- I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

Don't start without me.

You must be Mr. Bartlett.

- Oh, please, call me Tom.

- Yeah, him and Lawrence are
goin' on a date later, June.

- Shut up.

- It's nice to meet you, Tom.

Would you like a soft
drink or a cocktail?

- No, I'm good.

Thanks.

- Well, how about some cookies?

I just put some cookies in the
oven, they're peanut butter.

Would you like some of those?

- For the love of God, June,

the man doesn't want anything.

Just leave him alone.

- I'm just trying to be polite.

- Yeah, well, don't bother.

Elijah is dead.

Let's just read this will,

and get this whole
goddamn thing over with.

- Oh, you are a vile,
vile person, Kevin Shaw.

- Oh yeah?

Well, the apple
doesn't fall too far

from the tree now, does it?

(sobbing)

- Good job.

(sobbing)

- I, Elijah Sampson Shaw,

being of sound mind
and disposing memory

do hereby make publish
and declare this

to be my last will
and testament.

I direct my executer, Mr. Thomas
Bartlett, attorney at law,

to pay all of my debts
and funeral expenses

as well as the expenses of the
administration of my estate

within 72 hours of my passing,

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

- God.

- Well, it's pretty
straight forward, actually.

We have the house, the
life insurance, the debt,

and a couple of other issues.

So, why don't we
start with the house?

Okay.

It looks like Elijah has left
the house to the two of you.

You two, the sons,
in equal halves.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
to me and Lawrence?

- That is correct.

- No, that can't be right.

- Yeah, yeah, Lawrence
hasn't been around in years.

- [Lawrence] So what?

- [Kevin] So you weren't exactly

the model son now, were you?

- And you were?

- Yeah, at least I was here.

Can you read that again?

- Yes, would you?

I would really like to hear
that part again, please, Tom.

- Yes, of course, of course.

A split between Kevin and
Lawrence Shaw in equal halves.

- Man, I need a drink.

- Oh God!

Oh.

♪ La, la la la la, la la la la

I would appreciate it

if you wouldn't smoke
inside of my house, Kevin.

- I guess we got a
problem then, June,

because this ain't
your house anymore.

- I'm actually allergic
to cigarette smoke,

so, if you wouldn't mind Kevin.

- Can you put it out, please?

- Thank you.

Okay, so regarding the
life insurance settlement,

it looks like all
remaining proceeds

go to June Upland Shaw.

- What?

- Oh, thank God.

- Let me explain.

There's a couple of things...

- This is complete horse shit.

- Listen, let me say,
he bought this in 1978,

so it's not worth very much.

- Ha!

- Just get away from
me, you evil person!

- Kevin, sit down.

Sit down.

- Now, I did say remaining,

as there are years of
unpaid property taxes,

and the house is dangerously
close to foreclosure.

So...

(gentle music)

Look, Elijah set
this up specifically,

so the insurance would
keep the debtors at bay,

and in the meantime,

you all could sell the house
and split the proceeds.

Of course, this does assume

that the criteria for the
payout are properly matter.

- Criteria, Mr. Bartlett?

- Yes, there needs
to be verification

of exactly how the deceased
passed before the determination.

- Well, that's easy.

Elijah ran into a tree.

- That's how it would appear
to all parties involved,

but the sheriff's department

is still investigating
the incident, so...

- Incident?

Don't you mean accident?

- Actually, they're
calling it an incident

for now, because...

- Elijah killed himself, June.

- [Lawrence] Great job.

- [June] What?

- What, why beat
around the bush?

- I'm sorry, what did he just...

What did, I don't understand.

- The sheriff thinks
that he may have

forgotten to apply his brakes.

- Or just killed
himself, you know,

like punched his own
ticket, cashed in his chips,

checked himself out.

You know, like killed himself.

- [June] Oh my God!

- Mother, they don't
know that for sure.

- That is not true.

I was there, I saw it with
my own eyes, Lawrence.

- They're still
investigating, June,

and as of right now it could
go either way at this point.

- Yeah, kind of like
these guys, June.

They just flip a coin and stick
their penis into something.

- Kevin, that is
so inappropriate.

- Not to mention
completely untrue.

- All of you please
just shut up!

Kevin, do you happen to
have anymore of those...

- [Kevin] Happy pills?

- Yes, the happy pills.

- Medicine cabinet
in the bathroom.

Help yourself.

- I shall.

- Let the party begin.

- You're not funny.

(gentle music)

- Hey, can we wrap this up?

It's ladies night not
down at O'Malligans

and I need to get
my sport fuck on.

What?

It's two dollar tequila shots,

can be like shootin'
fish in a barrel.

If fish had vaginas.

- I'm sorry, Tom.

Can we start without June?

- I'm afraid we can't.

- June!

Get out of my stash!

Let's go.

- My apologies.

I'm feeling much,
much, much better now.

- Hell yeah.

- [Lawrence] If we could...

- Yes, let's talk
about the burial.

- That would be nice.

- That'd be great.

- So is Elijah being
cremated, or...

- He's being
torched as we speak.

- I was told that I could
pick him up tomorrow.

- Perfect.

That will make transporting
him much easier.

- I'm sorry, did
you say transport?

- Ah, yes.

It is Elijah's final wish

to be buried at the
Carpinteria Cemetery

in Carpinteria, California,

next to his first
wife, Summer Shaw.

- [June] What?

- His mother?

- That sneaky son of a bitch.

- [June] There must be
some kind of mistake.

- I'm afraid that the
insurance settlement

and the transfer of
the deed to the house

are all contingent
on Elijah's ashes

being buried in the
manner that he requested.

Otherwise, all of
it, everything,

goes to County Children's
Cancer Hospital.

It's all right here.

(screaming)

(glass shattering)

- Well, it's official.

The cuckoo bird
has finally landed.

- I'm real sorry, Tom.

- I just hope she
doesn't hurt herself.

- Oh, this is nothin'.

I'm just so happy
she hasn't found...

(gun firing)

Guns.

- Jesus Christ.

Is my mother
discharging firearms?

- No, she's eatin' bonbons.

What do you think?

Of course she is.

Elijah's got guns
all over the house.

- Boys, if I were you,

I would bury your father
the way he requested

or you're going to
lose everything.

Remember, call me
with any questions.

Or, just call me.

- Really?

At a time like this?

Come on.

Maybe she, you know,
shot herself in the
mouth or somethin'.

- Don't even joke about that.

- I'm not joking.

It would make things
so much easier.

So much for easy.

All right, O'Malligans.

Let's go, he's gonna
be my wing man.

It's gonna be raging.

(glass shattering)

- Fine.

- Can I get a beer?

- [Bartender] Sure.

- You were right
about this place.

It's definitely raging.

- Yeah, well, I still
got me one option

to take to pound town, so...

- I wish I could drink with you.

- [Kevin] So, bein'
pretty busy tonight?

- [Bartender] Ah, just
that jackass over there.

- You think I can't
take her boyfriend?

- That's not her
boyfriend, trust me.

- Did you just do gay stuff
with that guy in the bathroom?

- Maybe, maybe not.

- Not cool, Lawrence.

Not cool.

This is my local watering hole,

and I would really appreciate it

if you do not sully it with
your perverted lifestyle, okay?

Here she comes.

I can't wait to make her squirt

all over your mom's couch later.

You can watch if you want.

- [Bartender] Last call.

Do you guys want anything?

- Yeah, a couple shots of
tequila and two more beers,

and your number.

- I'm not giving you
my number, Kevin.

- Come on, Jess.

- No, I said no, and I meant it.

Anything for you?

- [Lawrence] No,
thanks, I'm driving.

- [Bartender] That'll
be 12 dollars.

- Can you spot me?

I'm strapped.

- I thought you were working
as a farm handler or laborer.

- I was, as ranch
foreman, actually,

but I kind of ran over
the owner's dog, Reginald,

with a tractor.

- Well, that sounds awful.

- Here we go.

To dear old Dad.

May he burn in the eternal
hellfires of damnation

for all eternity and forever.

Rest in peace, you
horny old bastard.

All right, here is the plan,
o half brother of mine.

You and me are gonna go
liberate you know who

from you know where,

and we are gonna drive
him up to you know where

and bury his you know
what next to my mother.

- You mean steal his ashes?

- Yeah, however you
wanna slice it, Lawrence.

And I'm broke.

These are desperate
times for me.

I mean, I'm literally this close

to living in a cardboard
box under the highways.

- But we do know the
will names both of us.

- Yeah, I know, and your
mother is messin' that all up.

Messin' it up!

- No, I don't know about that.

I think she's just
a little upset.

- She's needs this
more than I do, okay.

I mean, unless you're
plannin' on taking care of her

for the rest of her
life until she dies

or kicks off or whatever.

- Well, I wasn't.

- Me either.

Unless she puts out.

Just kidding.

(dramatic music)

- I don't know
about this, Kevin.

- I don't see what the problem

with parking in the
handicap spot is.

I mean, nobody's here,
it's not a problem.

- I'm not talking about
that, and you know it.

- Oh, okay, well, let's go back

and pack up all of June's stuff

and move her in with you then,

and see what kind
of cramp that puts

in your carefree, gay lifestyle.

- Yeah, we're definitely
not doing that.

- Yeah, good, 'cause you sure
as hell ain't living with me

under the freeway
over highway pass.

That is where I draw
the line, my friend.

Oh God.

I gotta yak.

Oh God.

- Outside.

Go, hurry, hurry, hurry,
I don't have insurance.

Hurry.

(belching)

- Oh God.

It's gotta be in here somewhere.

- I think we should wait,

because we don't have a
legal claim on his ashes.

- [Kevin] Legal claim.

Like, can we?

God, you're such
a pussy sometimes.

- Okay, but what
if we get arrested?

This will be like an
average Saturday night

for me, Lawrence.

- [Lawrence] It will not for me.

- I mean, it'd be like
a vacation for you.

Free food, all the man sex
you could ever want for.

I mean, come on.

- [Lawrence] Kevin,
it's illegal.

- Ah, there it is.

Lawrence, that is
our father in there,

and for some God
forsaken reason,

he wants to be buried next
to my witch of a mother.

Now, it's not our place

to judge the stupidity
of those last wishes

or his horrendous
taste in women,

but it is our
obligation as his sons

to carry them out.

- I don't know.

- You know what,
I'm gonna go anyway,

and you drove me here,

so technically you're
already my accomplice.

Watch your puss.

All right, let's
fuckin' do this.

- [Lawrence] Where
are you goin'?

- [Kevin] Oh yeah, yeah.

What the fuck is goin' on?

Holy crap.

Relax.

- [Lawrence] Is he dead?

- No, he's sleeping.

Come on, let's go.

I don't know,
they're all numbered.

I mean, does it even matter?

They're just ashes.

- Yeah, it matters, Kevin.

2127?

- There's no 2127, Lawrence.

- 2124.

That's it.

- [Kevin] Hey Dad, all right.

- Let's go.

(banging)

What was that?

- Turn that off.

(door creaking)

♪ I'm a little undertaker,
short and stout

♪ Beep, bop,
boop-a-dap, boop bee bee

- He's totally wasted.

- So are you.

- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are, shut up.

- [Man] I'm gonna sit
in the corner and pout,

because you called
me a big fat lout.

There you are, my beauty.

My beautiful, beauty, beauty.

I have been waiting for
this since your wife died.

- This is so not good.

- This is amazing.

- [Man] Don't look
at me like that.

You make me blush.

- Wait, no.

You don't think he would?

With Dad?

- [Man] You ready?

Come here, big boy.

- Oh God, I'm gonna
be sick, Lawrence.

- Is there someone there?

- [Lawrence] Go,
just go, just go.

- [Kevin] Oh God.

- This is a restricted area.

What are you doing
with that urn?

Get back here.

- Listen up, you freak show.

If you say anything
about this to anybody,

I will expose you for
the freak that you are.

Do you understand me?

Say cheese.

(camera clicking)

You look good.

Sicko.

(vomiting)

- Lawrence.

I need my flask to
settle my stomach.

It's in my vest.

- Are you sure
that's a good idea?

You've been drinking nonstop.

- Hey, you may be used to

doing and seeing
these kinds of things.

I'm just a straight
guy from the country.

(vomiting)

- I'm sorry that you
think me being gay

also makes me a necrophile.

- Well, aren't you?

- No, I'm not.

Not even a little bit.

Not the slightest.

- Thank you.

I'm sorry.

It might have been a bit harsh.

- I'd say so.

- I mean, if it
was a lady corpse,

I might have been
totally into it.

- That's great, Kevin.

- I mean, we've all
thought about it.

- No, not all of us.

- Drink with me.

- Mm-Mmm.

You were throwin' up.

- I didn't backwash.

Scout's honor.

Come on, you'll still be
the same boring gay guy

who's not into necrophilia.

♪ La, la la la la

(coughing)

- Oh God.

- Welcome back.

Oh God.

(vomiting)

♪ La, la la

So what tall tale of ill repute

was that old sheriff
telling you about me?

- He wasn't.

He didn't say anything.

- Come on, spill it.

- No, he just felt
bad about you.

Like, coming up on the accident.

Runnin' up or whatever.

- Extremely shitting
timing to be sure.

- He also mentioned
that Elijah had cancer.

Did you know about that?

- It sucks.

It really, really sucks.

- Well, if it makes
you feel any better,

I don't think he told anybody.

- It doesn't.

Guess he went out
with a bang, right?

- Oh yeah.

- Lawrence, I say for our
final act of paternal defiance,

we take that urn,
and we piss in it

until the cup runneth over.

- Kevin, as much as
I'd like to do that,

I think that's something that
Elijah would expect us to do,

and so nope.

I am not gonna give
him the satisfaction.

- That's pretty impressive.

I don't think I've seen you
show that much character

since I walked in on you
and the neighbor's dad.

- Uncle.

- Whatever.

You're right, as always.

We can't give him that.

No way.

Fuck you, Elijah.

Fuck you.

We're gonna bury you
the way that you wanted.

Take that, you old prick.

(gentle music)

Let's fuckin' do this.

- Yep.

(gentle music)

(horn beeping)

Where you goin'?

- Naw, it's just a little
inspirational thing.

- I didn't know you were
into inspirational stuff.

- [Kevin] I'm not.

- [Jeanette] Hi there.

I'm Jeanette, I'll be taking
care of you guys today.

Here you go.

Can I get you guys started off

with something else to drink?

- [Kevin] Yeah, you
can indeed, Jeanette.

A pot of coffee would be great.

- [Jeanette] Okay.

And for you?

- [Lawrence] Green tea, please.

- I'll just bring the box.

I'm sure we have
something green in there.

- Thank you.

- Man.

Now that, dear brother,
is proof of a higher power

if I have ever seen it.

I gotta see a man about a horse.

Oh yeah, you're never
good enough, Kevin.

You're a piece of shit, Kevin.

I'm gonna get you, Jeanette.

I'm gonna get ya, ya
little foreign car.

Bend ya over,

and you can scream your
little boyfriend's name.

God damn.

Come on.

All right.

Don't mind if I do.

- What are those for?

- Your my last living
male relative, Lawrence,

and I don't want ya to
happen dying of AIDS on me.

- I don't think people
die of AIDS anymore.

- Well, that depends
on what kind of AIDS.

I mean, there's a butt load
of AIDS out there these days.

- [Lawrence] I'm pretty
sure there's only one kind.

- Well, just wrap
your dong in it

when you're doin' your thing,

whatever you're
puttin' your thing in.

Just wrap your dong.

- [Lawrence] All right, thanks,
I'll try to remember that.

- Good.

- [Jeanette] Okay, here you go.

- I may have to marry
this one, Lawrence.

- So, what can I
get for you guys?

- I will have a poached
egg, raw tomato,

no butter on my wheat toast.

- Okay, and for you?

- Well, I'll take the hash,

whatever way you like
it best, Jeanette.

- Anything else?

- Yeah, tell me, how come
such a beautiful thing

as yourself is not married yet?

- You know, I'm sorry, but
does this usually work for you?

- I'll have you know
that in some circles

I'm considered quite a catch.

Possibly even an Adonis.

What are you laughing about?

- Those must be some
pretty interesting circles.

Anything else?

- I'll get your phone
number later, Jeanette,

but nothin' else for now.

- Please stop saying my name.

- That went really well.

- Yeah, I think she's
just playing hard to get.

- Nice face.

Call me.

- Man, life for you
is just one giant,

gay sex buffet, isn't it?

All I'm sayin' is, it's not
the worst idea in the world.

- [Lawrence] No, you're right,

there are worse ideas out there.

- Just think about it.

We'll be out on the lake.

Me in my captain's hat,
you in your speedos

or whatever you guys where.

- It's not gonna happen, Kevin.

- Okay, besides all
your man whores,

what do you really have
to go back to in Portland?

- My life, my job, my
friends, my apartment.

- Who the hell needs
all that garbage?

- I do.

Why are you so keen on us
being best buds again anyway?

- Okay, first of all,

I don't remember us
ever being best buds,

and secondly, I'm just
tryin' to connect with you,

on like a bro level, man.

- Well, I think you should
just give it a rest.

I'm sorry.

- Fine.

You don't wanna get a boat,
we'll get a dune buggy.

They're bitchin'.

Hey, can I get your...

- No, you cannot have my number.

- But I would really...

- I'm not gonna go
out with you either.

Thank you.

- What is it with women
in these states, Lawrence?

- Don't think it's
the women, Kevin.

- Let me have a couple bucks

so I can leave you
know who an extra tip.

- Please leave her alone.

- Hey man, we can't all
get BJs on demand like you.

Some of us gotta, you know.

- Pay for it.

- No, of course not.

Well, yeah, sometimes.

Thanks.

Hey, it was great
mettin' you, Jeanette.

Maybe we can...

- Not in a million years.

- But maybe I could
just leave my...

- Don't even bother.

- She wants me.

- I'm really sorry
about that, Tom.

I don't why she
called you either.

- I mean, do you boys understand
the size of the shit storm

that you've gotten
yourselves into?

You can't do this sort of thing.

It's not legal.

- I'm really sorry, Tom,

but what's done is done.

So, any word yet
from the sheriff?

- Yeah, and he's not
too happy with you two.

But he did say that it's
difficult to prove suicide

with someone as
drunk as Elijah was.

Look, I gotta go.

Call me, we'll spa.

- [Kevin] So dude already knows?

- [Lawrence] And the Sheriff.

- [Kevin] Wow, that was amazing.

That one can really
hold her narcotics.

- [Lawrence] You know,
I'd really appreciate it

if you wouldn't give my
mother anymore drugs, Kevin.

- [Kevin] Take it up
with her, Lawrence,

she's the one with the problem.

- Oh no.

- No way.

(laughs)

- This isn't happening.

- I mean who the
hell would steal

that little yellow
butt plug of a car?

That is amazing.

- Doo, I should have
gotten the insurance.

- Hold on a second, buddy.

Don't get you panties
in a bunch just yet.

Look.

It's been held by the fascists.

Goddamn epidemic, Lawrence.

I'm tellin' ya.

- I understand that,
but my father did die.

No, I was not close to him.

That doesn't matter, does it?

Yeah, we'll get
on in a few days.

All right.

Bye.

- Was that one of
your man whores?

- No, work.

- How about a piggy back ride?

- Yeah, if you
give me one first.

- Hell no, I don't want
you gettin' all excited

on my back or somethin'.

- [Lawrence] Yeah, 'cause
that'll definitely happen.

- [Kevin] You never know.

I mean, you might get excited.

- [Lawrence] Yeah.

- [Kevin] If I gave
you a piggy back ride.

- [Lawrence] You
might get a freakin'

college degree one day.

- [Kevin] I know you secretly
just wanted to mount me.

- [Lawrence] What?

- [Kevin] This while
time growin' up.

I just know you did.

It's fine, Lawrence.

I mean, if you're
attracted to me, it's fine,

I just, you know,
just accept it.

I mean, I'm kind of an Adonis.

I'm like an attractive
guy, you know.

- [Lawrence] I also don't think
you know what Adonis means.

- Maybe they'll give
us a ride or somethin'.

- What, no?

That's a prison bus.

- I don't care.

I'm sweatin' my balls off,
and my head really hurts.

- Well, maybe you
shouldn't have drank

so much tequila last night.

- Okay, that is so unfair.

- Oh, okay, Kevin.

- No, I'm serious, Lawrence,

and I'd really appreciate it

if you'd stop belittling
my grieving process.

It hurts my feelings.

- Yeah, you're right.

I shouldn't do that.

I'm sorry.

- Oh my God, you're the biggest
gaping vagina sometimes.

I'm just messing with you.

Lawrence, come here.

You're never gonna believe this.

- I'm not doing this, Kevin.

- It'll be worth it, I swear.

- Kevin, I'm not doing this.

- Don't be such a fucking
baby, and come over here.

(gentle music)

We been walking for hours,
trying to get our car.

- [Samantha] Hey Lawrence.

- [Lawrence] Hey.

- He has no idea who you are.

- No, he doesn't.

- [Lawrence] Yeah,
no, I do, I do.

- Okay, who is she then?

I'll give you a clue, dumb ass.

You went to prom
with her sister.

- That's right.

Oh my gosh, so great to see you.

- Still, no clue.

- I'm Samantha Zubec.

I go by Sam.

- [Lawrence] Oh hey.

Yeah, Sam, I remember.

Wow, it's been a while.

- Yeah, like 12 years.

- Has it been that long?

- Yeah, yeah it has.

- [Lawrence] Yeah.

- So, Kevin tells me
you guys need a ride.

- Yeah, I mean
only if it's okay.

It's not, you know, no pressure.

- It's fine.

Are you okay with a bunch of
child murderers and rapists?

I'm kidding.

It's minimum security.

They'll embezzle
you to death, maybe.

Hop on.

I'll take you on
our way to yoga.

- [Kevin] Great.

- Hey, pretty teeth.

I like that tie.

- Thank you.

- Oh, you're welcome.

(gentle music)

- So, Kevin tells me you guys
are here burying your Dad.

- Yeah, that's the idea.

So far it's just
been an attempt.

- This might sound like a dumb
question, but where is he?

- He's in the back
of my rental car.

- Like a weekend at
Bernie's style thing, or...

- No, no.

He's in an urn.

- Otherwise he would have
been much harder to steal.

- It's a long story.

So what brought you
to Elijah's funeral?

- Oh, my daughter Sarah
and I were down there

to visit her Dad.

- She had a kid with that
mongoloid retard, Nelly.

- Ah, he doesn't go
by Nelly anymore.

- Yeah, but he's still
a mongoloid retard.

I mean...

- Okay, one more time
and then it's off my bus.

All right, sound good?

Anyways, Elijah and my Dad
were good poker buddies,

so I thought I would
pay my respects.

- That's cool.

So, how is...

- Tanya?

- [Samantha] Tanya.

- Tanya.

- She's good, she's Mormon
now, she lives in Utah,

has 10 beautiful
kids running around,

but you're married, right,
or were married, or...

- Yeah, to a bunch of dicks.

(gentle music)

- Hey, so I never had sex
with a prison guard before,

so we should totally hang
next time you're in town.

- Sure, just get
another DUI Kevin.

- Okay, so I'll take
that as a maybe?

- Get off the bus.

- Are you sure?

- Get off the bus, Kevin.

- Okay, thanks for the ride.

- Get off the bus.

Pull up your pants, put on some
deodorant, get off the bus.

Read a book.

- Okay.

- I'll give you my
number, Lawrence.

- [Lawrence] Oh.

- But I'm not easy.

- Yeah I know, terrific.

- Good.

- Praise baby Jesus.

- Let's not celebrate just yet.

Of course.

- Wow.

- Don't touch it, it's not...

- I bet this belonged
to some little girl,

and he murdered
her whole family.

- Yeah, that's...

- Serial kill much?

- Well, it just looks like
we're not the only ones

to have that sign
gag pulled on us.

- Yeah, I'll bet there's
a whole bunch of 'em

chopped up in barrels
back there somewhere.

- That's really terrible, Kevin.

- Well, it depends.

I mean, some of 'em could have

been bleeding heart
liberals and democrats.

He could have been doin'
the world a huge favor.

- [Man] Can I help you?

- [Lawrence] Yeah,
we're here for a car.

- Yeah, well, which one?

- [Kevin] It's real
small and faggy.

- [Lawrence] It's the
rental car outside.

- Yep.

I'll get the paperwork.

- Also, there was
something in the back seat,

it's not there anymore.

An urn.

- What'd you say it was?

- An urn.

It holds dead people's ashes.

- [Man] I know what it is.

Who was in it?

- [Lawrence] Our father.

- Yeah, and we're gonna
bury him, and I'm an Aries,

and this is my Taurus,
gay half brother Lawrence

who likes truckers.

Is anything else you need
to know while we're at it?

- No.

No, that's plenty, but man,

if I was your father,

I wouldn't wanna be
buried like this.

- Yeah, well, you're
not, so, you know.

- Gettin' carried
around in some tiny,

un American rental car
lost by his two rude sons.

Kind of a bad omen.

- He's dead.

He doesn't know the
goddamn difference.

- You know, the more
I think about it,

the more it seems like a sign.

A bad sign.

- You mean like that sign
that was in the bushes?

That some guy threw in there,

probably a guy who
owns a tow yard,

who stands to profit
from such things.

- I don't like what
you're implyin'.

- [Lawrence] Please
excuse my half brother.

He just got off a
short prison bus.

- That was a good one.

- Thanks.

- Well, fellas,
usually it's 150,

but for your guys, I'm
gonna make an exception.

- Well, halle-fucking-lujah.

- 250, for puttin' up
with this guy's BS.

- This is extortion.

- That's the price.

- But surely there's gotta
be something we can do.

- Yeah, you can reach into
those fancy pants of yours

and pull out your check book.

- Goddamn fascist, I'm
telling you, Lawrence.

- Okay, well, the spot
was not clearly marked.

- It was a sign.

- Which was thrown in the
bushes, and we both know it.

So how about 100 with the urn?

- 200, and a hern.

- Do not give this man
one penny, Lawrence.

This is a rip off.

- 125 with the
urn, and my number.

- Sold.

- What?

Are you serious?

- I don't know how you
deal with one's homophobia.

- You are welcome, by the way.

- For what?

- For paying your
half of Dad's ransom.

- You know you don't always
have to rub your money

in my face, right?

- Kevin, I paid for
everything so far,

including Dad's funeral.

- Yeah, well, consider
it a disappointment tax.

- What'd you say?

- You heard me.

(gentle music)

Do I look all right?

(gentle music)

- Hey, take that.

(car horn beeping)

Where are you goin'?

(bell dinging)

- Can I help you?

- Yes, we'd like
to bury our father.

- Dear old Dad.

He killed himself.

- Do you have an appointment?

- No, we do not.

- Do you have a plot?

- [Lawrence] Yes, next to...

- My mother, Summer Shaw.

She didn't kill herself though.

- Could you please
stop saying that.

We don't know that for sure.

- The hell we don't.

- Do you have a plot number?

- You know, we don't...

Do we have a plot number?

- How the hell should I know?

- You know, we don't
have that offhand,

but maybe if you looked
it up in your files,

we could get the
paperwork started.

- You wanted to
do this all today.

- Yeah, that's the idea, lady.

(laughing)

- You can't just show up
without an appointment

or a plot number

and expect to bury
someone the same day.

We'd need at least
three days notice

to have someone here
to dig the grave.

- Oh, well, Kevin here
is very adept shoveler

and he's used to hard labor.

He's a ranch hand.

- Ranch manager.

Was.

- Whatever.

- Well, it does need to
be a cemetery employee.

- Ma'am, we're really
in a bind here.

We really do need to get
our father buried today.

- His name is, was, Elijah.

- [Lawrence] Is there
anything you could do to help?

- Please.

- Well, let me see if there's
something that I can do.

- We really appreciate it.

- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- Ooh, looks like you guys
are in a little bit of luck.

We had a cancellation tomorrow.

- Not tomorrow, today.

- No no, please, continue.

- As I was saying, we had
a cancellation tomorrow,

so if you show up at
eight o'clock sharp,

we'll get goin'.

- No, no no no.

We need today.

Let me see that.

- What do you
think you're doing?

- Kevin, what the
hell are you doing?

- What the hell
does it look like?

I'm helping her out.

Two sets of eyes are
always better than one.

- Have you gone
completely insane?

Give it back to her this minute.

- No, I wanna see if
there's an appointment

that we could get today that
she's not telling us about.

I want to bury Dad today!

- Kevin, Kevin,
Kevin, let go, let...

I am so sorry about that, I...

- You need to learn
some manners, young man.

- [Lawrence] He has not been
the same since our father died.

- That is not true, I
am exactly the same.

- There's no excuse for
this kind of behavior.

You can't just be grabbing
things whenever you want.

- [Lawrence] You're
absolutely, he's sorry.

You're sorry, aren't you, Kevin?

- Oh yeah, yeah, I'm
real sorry, Lawrence.

- I should hope so.

- Oh yeah.

- I do, yeah.

- Okay, great.

So, eight o'clock
bright and early.

See you then.

- Well, I'm not sure that
appointment's still available

at this point.

- Thank you so much, thank you.

- Don't touch
anything in my office.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

- I swear to God, Kevin.

I am this close to
running you over

with my faggy little car.

That woman was
trying to help us.

- Yeah, eight in the
goddamn morning tomorrow.

We should just sneak back there

and bury him right
now, Lawrence.

There can't be that
many empty plots

with a Summer Shaw next to 'em.

- Are you seriously
proposing that?

- Yes, hell yes.

We go back there, find
a shovel, dig a hole,

throw his ass in there,

throw some dirt on there,
and get the heck out of here.

- And you don't think there

needs to be some sort
of legal documents,

like a lawyer, to
prove all this?

- How the shell should I know?

I'm not some shyster lawyer.

- Exactly.

This isn't some ranch

where you can just prance
around and do whatever you want.

This is the real world

where people are held
accountable for their actions.

- That's great.

I finally open up to you

about how I ran over
my boss' dog Reginald,

and this is how you
use it against me?

At a time like this?

This is a low blow,
Lawrence, even for you.

- What are you talking about?

- Can you take Dad?

Can I see the keys for a second?

Just the keys, let me see 'em.

- Nice, that was real mature.

- Enjoy your safari, Lawrence.

♪ La, la la la la, la la la la

♪ La, la la la la, la la la la

♪ La, la la la la, la la la la

♪ La, la la la la, la la la la

♪ La, la la

- Fuck!

(horn beeping)

(grunting)

(dramatic music)

♪ La, la la la la

♪ La la la la, la
la la la, la, la

♪ La, la la la la

♪ La la la la, la, la

♪ La, la la la la

(tires screeching)

- What the hell are you doing?

- You're gonna go get into
that rent a car right now,

and we are going to a motel.

Do you understand?

- What the hell is
all over your face?

- What do you think?

- No way.

- Get in the car!

In.

I'll be in the shower.

- So what, should I just
get ice or somethin'?

(gentle music)

(gentle music)

(phone vibrating)

- [Lawrence] Hello?

- [Kevin] Lawrence, it's Kevin.

Did I catch you in the middle
of some gay sex or something?

- Where are you?

- [Kevin] I've been
down at Silver Dollars,

this great little
hole in the wall.

I mean, not the kind
you're used to, but...

- What do you want, Kevin?

- [Kevin] I want you to
get your girl ass down here

and have some dinner
with me, brother.

- I don't think so.

- [Kevin] Oh, come on.

Be good old fashioned,
Shaw brother bonding.

And Jeanette just got here.

I'm about to go over there

and lay me some pipe, partner.

- All right, well,
I've had enough

brother bonding for one day.

- [Kevin] What?

- I said I'm good.

- [Kevin] What?

- I said I'm good, I'm
gonna call it a night.

- [Kevin] Where are you?

It sounds like
you're underwater.

- I'm in the motel room,
where do you think?

- [Kevin] Listen, I don't
wanna walk in on you

jerkin' off later, okay?

- Well, you can't,
you don't have a key.

- [Kevin] Well, that's
what I'm saying.

Just leave one outside for
me, under a rock or something.

- There aren't any rocks, Kevin.

- [Kevin] Leave it
under a mat then.

- There's no mat either.

- [Kevin] Look, I don't wanna
argue with you, Lawrence.

Just leave them under
some goddamn thing, okay.

(phone beeping)

- Hello, Kevin.

(moaning)

(gentle music)

Hi Sam.

It's Lawrence.

Lawrence Shaw from the short
bus, the short prison bus.

Anyway, I wanted
to know if maybe

you wanted to come
to dinner tonight.

I'm gonna go have some dinner,

and maybe you wanted to
have some dinner with me.

If not, that's
cool, but you can,

and you can give me a call at...

Well, the number should be on
your phone, that's my number.

So, Lawrence Shaw, again,

and anyway, yeah, so,
I hope you're great.

Bye.

- [Clerk] Hello?

- [Kevin] Oh hi, I'm
staying in room 113.

- [Clerk] What can I do for ya?

- [Kevin] I was hoping you
could tell me where I...

- [Clerk] Titty bar?

- [Kevin] No.

- [Clerk] Cat house.

- [Kevin] No, I just...

- [Clerk] Drugs.

- [Kevin] No, I just...

- [Clerk] Well, what
the hell you want then?

- [Kevin] Can you tell
me a place to eat?

- [Clerk] Well, why the
heck didn't you just say so?

- Well, you're
not exactly the...

- [Clerk] Yeah, yeah,
three blocks out

past by the titty bar,

hang a left at the cat house,

see it up there on the
right by the drug dealers.

And buddy, yeah, that's you,
I'm talkin' to you, buddy.

- Oh, yeah.

- [Clerk] Make sure you
get them dirty whores

out of the room by the morning.

This here's a family
establishment.

- I'll be sure to do that.

(phone vibrating)

Hello?

- [Samantha] I didn't have time
to go home and change, so...

- Oh, that's okay.

I kind of like
your prison outfit.

- Oh.

Thank you.

Uniform.

- Uniform.

- You know, when I
give guys my number

I usually don't see or
hear from them again, so...

- What, like they
don't call you back?

- No, well, I mean, depending
on how the first date goes,

I usually bump 'em off,
or bury them alive,

or use them for target practice.

- Damn, I knew I should
have worn my vest.

- I'm more of a headshot
gal myself, so...

- I see.

- [Samantha] Nice shirt.

- Thanks, it kind
of howled at me.

- What did it howl?

I was a bad idea in
the '80s and now,

but where me anyways?

- Well, actually, it was the
only clean t-shirt I had.

- [Samantha] Oh, you tried.

- Yeah, to not get my
father's ashes on you.

- What?

- Hi, how many?

- Two, I think.

- Yeah, Kevin's
not coming, right?

- Oh, no no.

God no.

He's probably off
doing something.

- [Samantha] Or someone.

- [Lawrence] Yeah.

- [Lawrence] Sorry.

- No, no, that's okay.

Are you guys on a first
date or something?

- [Lawrence] No,
we're old friends.

- Yeah, exactly.

Wow, gross.

(laughs)

- I don't know, you
don't really strike me

as the prison bus driving type.

- Oh yeah?

I'll take that as a compliment?

- I meant it as a compliment.

I mean, I was trying to...

- I'm kidding.

Of course I took
it as a compliment.

Relax.

Jesus, Lawrence.

- I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

Yeah, I drive the bus so I
can go to school part time,

and it gives me benefits,

which when you kid's
father's an oxygen thief,

it really comes in handy.

- [Lawrence] Well, how
old's your daughter?

- [Samantha] Sarah's four.

- And where is she?

- She's with the sitter.

I don't usually
bring her on dates.

She kind of cramps my style.

So tell me about you.

I haven't heard
about you in forever.

- Let's see.

Well, I live in Portland,
I work for an ad agency,

and we mainly do beer campaigns.

- Oh, that sounds exciting.

- It's really not.

We specialize in marketing too.

Well, to Kevin, really.

It's pretty stupid.

- It'd have to be.

- Yep, hairy guys
in trucker hats.

I just shut my brain off
and imagine that I'm Kevin.

- Impressive.

Exploiting and impersonating
your brother for money.

I like it.

- Thank you.

- You just don't strike
me as the exploiting

and impersonating
somebody for money type.

- Well, someone's gotta do it.

I mean, how else are
these guys with mullets

gonna know what beer to drink?

- I'd just still rather
drive a prison bus.

- [Lawrence] Short bus at that.

- Okay, all right,
yeah, short bus.

There's nothing wrong with that.

- I think it's a great job.

- [Samantha] Why?

- 'Cause you do it.

- That's really sweet.

That has gotta be the
smallest rental car

I have ever seen.

- It was definitely
the cheapest,

and they only had yellow, so...

- Listen, I like you Lawrence.

I mean, even if you do
encourage gun toting hicks

to drink more beer,

and thus more rapings
in the world, but...

- Rapings?

Jesus.

- Yeah, no, I mean statistically

I bet there's a write up on it
that we could read somewhere.

- Yeah, no, I get it.

I just never really
thought about that.

- I have a lot of time
to think while driving.

- Well, thankfully
I contribute more

than just sexual battery
statistics to the world.

- Well, like what?

Bad men?

- Yeah, I've done
that sometimes.

(gentle music)

No.

No, I can't, I can't.

- [Samantha] No what?

- [Lawrence] I can't, I'm sorry.

- [Samantha] What's wrong?

- I...

- What happened?

- This has been really nice.

- Yeah, agreed.

It has been nice.

- It's kind of
also, it's not nice.

Okay, well, first off,

you're geographically
undesirable.

- Oh, come on.

- You come on.

Because you're like
seven area codes away,

and you're seven
area codes away.

- Yeah, okay, sure.

- And you've got a daughter,

and probably like a
mortgage or something.

You, this is your home.

I'm just passing through.

I'm a lone wolf, you know?

- Okay, even if I
don't see you again.

I mean, who cares?

- Yeah, and I'm gay, so...

You didn't know that?

- No.

I did, I did.

I knew.

- [Lawrence] You knew that?

- Yes, and then there wasn't
any question about it.

Kevin's comment about
married to a bunch of dicks

kind of cleared it up.

So, I was like...

But you seemed so into
it, and you were into it,

so I went for it.

- Okay, you're right.

No, I was, and I'm sorry,

but I feel like maybe it was
the prison guard uniform.

- Like a man in
uniform type of deal?

- I'm sorry, yeah.

- Do you want me to go?

(gentle music)

♪ La, la la la la, la la la la

♪ La la la la, la, la

♪ La, la la la la,
la la la, la, la

♪ La, la la la la

- Goodnight.

♪ La, la la la la

♪ La, la la la la, la la la la

♪ La la la la, la la

♪ La, la la la

(moaning)

- [Kevin] So fuckin' hot.

- Are you kidding me?

- What the hell, man?

- This is beyond words, Kevin.

- What are you doin'?

Turn off the light.

My brother's become
a stick in the mud.

- [Woman] He can
watch if he wants to.

- You wanna watch, Lawrence?

- I don't wanna watch!

- [Woman] Oh, c'mere.

- Wait a second.

Hold on.

- [Woman] What?

- Is that a dick?

Oh God.

Ugh.

Oh my God.

Remind me never to challenge...

- Challenge a tranny to a fight

outside her motel
room at 4:00 a.m.,

getting us kicked out?

- Yeah.

- Or challenge a tranny named
after a Japanese sport's car.

- [Kevin] Yes, that too.

- How the hell did you not
know this person was a tranny?

- I don't know.

I was drunk, and I was
having a great time,

and then I blacked out,

and when I woke up I
was inside her, him, it.

- Inside the tranny named Lexis.

- Can you please just stop
saying the word tranny?

Jesus Christ.

My God, Lawrence.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

- No, no you're not.

- [Kevin] No, I am.

- No.

- I had sex with a
tranny, and it beat me up.

- You're not gay,
Kevin, you're an idiot.

That's what you are.

- I had sex with something
that had a penis, Lawrence.

Wait, is this how
you turned gay?

- What?

No no no, no.

Do not denigrate
my sexual identity

because of your alcoholic,
moronic, sexual misgivings.

Do you understand me?

Do you understand?

That's offensive!

- I thought at the least I
would get a little sympathy

from my gay half brother.

Now that we play
for the same team.

I mean, come on.

- I'm not falling for
this trick again, okay.

It's not gonna work.

- This isn't a trick, Lawrence.

I finally understand what you
went through all those years.

- Just please stop.

- Lawrence, I'm
saying I accept you

in all of your full fledged
and flamboyant gayness.

- Shut the fuck up, Kevin.

Okay?

Just stop.

I'm gonna go wash my hands

because I don't know what
diseases that Lexis had on it.

FYI, you should get an
AIDS test when we get back.

- Now that we're
in the same boat,

maybe we should get
tested together.

- Please, just stop.

- Is everything okay?

Jesus, what happened
to your face?

- Don't even start
with me, Jeanette.

I'm not interested.

- What are you talking about?

- Just take my
number, rip it up.

I'm a homosexual now.

Just, just, just...

I'm officially off the market.

- Do you want something
else to drink?

- I really do.

I'm really thirsty, but I don't
know what my people drink.

- Well, your brother
likes green tea.

- Okay, I may be gay, but
I'm not a pussy, all right.

- Come on, it has a lot
of antioxidants in it.

You'll like it, you
should really try it.

- Really?

- [Jeanette] Yes.

- I guess I am gonna be
trying a lot more new stuff

now that I'm gay.

Maybe I should start
with green tea.

- Do you want some
ice for your face?

- Do you think it
would be all right?

- Yes, Kevin, gay
people can use ice too.

- Yes, there are pictures
on my Facebook page.

It's a Facebook page.

Yeah, well there are gonna
be pictures of my boyfriend,

my ex boyfriend on there.

They do know that gay people
drink beer as well, right?

There has to be
something I can do.

Is there anything I can do?

Okay.

Okay.

I'm sorry, Martin.

Okay, bye.

(grunting)

Damn.

I don't wanna hear it.

- [Lexi] That's him
right there, baby.

- [Man] That's him,

this Larry the cable guy
lookin' motherfucker?

- [Lexi] Mm-hmm, that's the one.

- Hold on, hold on.

Say, deliverance, I
wanna talk to you man.

- Yeah, where you
runnin' off to so fast?

- I just gotta go inside
and pay my bill real fast.

- Funny, that's why we're here.

So you can pay your bill.

- You think you can
just get all this

and not even pay up.

- Look, look, I can explain.

I can.

- [Lexis] This should be good.

- Yeah, I wanna hear
this white bread.

Go ahead.

- Look Lexis, about
earlier, I'm really sorry.

I'm so sorry about that.

- You think that just
makes it better then?

- Oh, no no.

What I'm saying is, is
I'm gay now too, I think,

and I totally, you know,
like get your struggle.

- That practically makes
us brother and sister then,

doesn't it?

- [Kevin] That's
exactly what I'm sayin'.

Ow.

- Man, could you just shut
your ignorant ass up and pay up

before we both kick your ass.

- I am not done with you.

- Have you seen
my brother Kevin?

- I'm sorry?

- My idiot half brother.

Where is he?

- Oh, I think he just
stepped outside for a smoke.

- [Man] Yeah, hillbilly
cracker ass cracker.

- [Jeanette] Is everything
okay with you guys?

- No, not even a little bit.

Do me a favor, call the cops.

- [Jeanette] What?

- Just call the
police, thank you.

I appreciate it.

- Nobody talks to
my lady like that.

- She's not a lady,
but it's okay.

- Shut your inbred mouth, bitch.

- Banjo playin',
hillbilly ass cracker.

- I don't play the banjo.

- Oh, don't stop on my account.

You're doin' a fantastic job.

- That's his brother, baby.

- What, you want some of this?

- [Kevin] Help me
Lawrence, help.

- I'd like to remain an
observer, if that's okay.

- I just want my money.

- Yeah, we want some money.

- Don't do it, Lawrence.

It's a scam.

It's a bait and switch.

- Bait?

You knew exactly what
you was gettin' into.

- I did not.

- Yeah, the only scam here

is you trying to get the milk

without paying for the cow.

- [Kevin] I don't like cow.

- Look, Lexis, is it?

- Yes, that's my name.

- I like it.

It's classy, like the car.

- Yeah, my lady's a classy lady.

- So how much does my
half brother owe you?

- 200 dollars.

- Plus a little extra.

I broke some nails when
I was fighting him.

- Yeah, yeah.

- I'll pay you that
amount that you're owed,

and a hefty bonus.

- [Kevin] Thank you, Lawrence.

- If you finish the job.

By that, I mean, kick the
living daylights out of him.

- What?

What are you talking about?

- We got this.

- You can't do this to me.

This is a hate crime.

You are a traitor and
a Judas, Lawrence.

- Okay, Kevin.

- No, I'm serious.

I mean, what kind of man
let's his own half brother

get gay bashed?

- You're not gay,

and the only reason
you got bashed

is 'cause you're an idiot,

and you lie a
reckless lifestyle.

- Yeah, you're one to talk.

What, with all your

broke back canyon sex
that you're havin'.

- It's mountain, and
I use protection, so,

doesn't work.

- All right.

So let me get this straight.

All this is from a fight with
a transsexual prostitute?

- Two, actually.

- [Officer] Two
transsexual prostitutes.

- No, no.

Fights.

I only had sex with one of 'em.

- What my brother's
trying to say

is he had sex with
one individual

who he claims he didn't know
was a transsexual prostitute.

- At the time I thought

she might be my soul
mate or somethin'.

- Anyway, this transsexual
prostitute beat him up once

by his or herself,

and then again with his or
her pimp and/or boyfriend.

- That's correct.

His or her name was Lexis,

and these were and
are hate crimes.

- I see.

Lexis.

Classy name, like the car.

- [Lawrence] Yeah,
she was really classy.

- He/she was pretty classy
when I first ran into her.

Him/her at the
silver dollar bar.

- Thursday night's
are transgender night

at the Silver Dollar.

You boys obviously
didn't realize that.

Now, why do you believe
these were, are hate crimes?

- 'Cause at the time I was gay.

- [Officer] At the time?

- Yeah, but I really
do think it was more

of a temporary gayness though,

like a temporary
insanity or somethin'.

- I see.

Well, we can't find this Lexis,

or his/her pimp,

so we're gonna go
ahead and put that one

on the back burner for now.

- I think you're makin' a
real big mistake here, sir,

and I think this could
lead to far more victims

such as myself.

- Victims of what?

Temporary gay passion?

- [Lawrence] That's a good one.

- Let's talk about
the ashes, shall we?

Your mother's really
angry with you boys.

Sheriff MacDonald's none
too thrilled either.

- [Lawrence] We're really
sorry about that, sir.

- No, we're not.

Our backs were up
against the wall.

- What my brother's
trying to say is that

we let the situation
get the better of us.

- No, screw that.

We were gonna lose the house.

- Kevin, yeah, I know.

- We were gonna lose
everything, Lawrence.

We had no choice.

We had to do it, just
tell him the truth.

- All right, all right,
settle down, both of you,

or we're gonna have
a problem here.

What I was gonna say was,

lucky for you, your mother has
decided not to press charges.

Clifton Geddes won't as well.

He's the funeral
home proprietor.

- [Kevin] Coincidentally.

- [Lawrence] Yeah, magically.

- Now, as far as the
transsexual prostitute

fighting's concerned,

looks like you pretty much

got your ass handed
to you on a plate.

So, you're free to go.

But please, no more
trouble while you're here.

- Thank you, Detective.

Kevin, thank him.

- Why?

He's makin' fun of me?

- [Lawrence] Because
he's letting us go

and he doesn't have to.

- Fine.

Thank you.

But just so you know, he/she,
her/him, could really fight.

I mean, like, cage
match, muay thai,

like just fuckin' animal.

- Sure, he/she could, son.

- All right.

Come on, grab Dad, let's go.

- Stop telling me
what to do, Lawrence.

- I'm not telling, I'm asking.

- Sounds a lot like telling,

and like you gargled 12
gallon of semen last night.

What the hell happened
to your voice?

- Well, I'm stressed,
and my voice...

Can you please grab our
dearly departed father's urn

from the backseat,

so that we are not late for
his hopefully amazing burial.

Please, thank you, sir,
brother, just please.

- Fine.

I mean, all those
times you gave me crap

about accepting you.

Now I finally have
my own gay moment,

and who discriminates
against me?

My own gay half brother.

- There's nothing to
discriminate against, Kevin,

other than your stupidity.

(woman clearing throat)

- Is that your father?

- Dear old Dad.

- Rusty, these are the ones
I was telling you about.

- You two.

- [Shaw Brothers] We
don't wanna hear it.

- [Kevin] Yeah, but you
paid sexual derelicts

to rough me up, Lawrence.

- [Lawrence] What the
hell did you expect?

- [Kevin] Well, I didn't
expect you to take out

all your gay rage on
me, that's for sure.

- Well, you deserved it,
and I would do it again,

except with more bashing
and different kinds.

- Such a faggot sometimes.

- What'd you call me?

- I called you a faggot.

What are you gonna do about it?

Hit me?

It's not like this trip
could be any worse.

I mean, Dad killed himself,

and we're probably gonna
lose the house because of it,

which means this whole
trip was for nothing.

We discovered a necrophiliac

who most likely had
sex with his body.

You hit me with a car.

Oh, and before I forget,

I also had sex with
a tranny named Lexis,

who beat me up twice, and
probably gave me AIDS.

So, go ahead Lawrence.

Give it your best shot.

- No, you're right.

This day couldn't get any worse,

but you left out some things.

Like, how about you
drugging my mother?

Or, throwing my
keys in the bushes?

Like, me spilling Elijah's
urn all over my rental car,

and filling the
rest up with dirt?

Like, me trying to
sleep with a woman

because I can't
accept that I am gay.

Like me losing the
biggest account of my life

because they found
out that I was gay,

like me going back to Portland
with no job most likely,

because I lost the biggest
account of my life,

because they found
out I was gay.

No, you're right.

This day possibly
couldn't get any worse.

- Did you get your
dick wet with Sam?

- No.

- Gentleman, if I may, I've
got other graves to dig here,

so if you wanna say something.

- I mean, I don't know
what the hell for.

He already had a funeral, right.

Go ahead.

- [Rusty] All right.

- No no, wait.

Can you just wait a second.

- Yeah, I can wait.

- Thank you.

I really don't know what to say,

but I do forgive you, Elijah,

even though you called me
a faggot most of my life

and never accepted me.

I forgive you.

I wish we could have
had a man to man talk

before you drove your
stupidly expensive,

over compensating, all
American truck into a tree,

because you're too homophobic
to get a prostate exam.

Maybe you're just too
afraid to admit defeat,

or maybe you were just plain
too drunk to drive either way.

I want you to know that Kevin
and I did this not for you,

but on own accord
in spite of you,

because, let's face it,

we both know how little
you thought of us.

You probably thought we'd
screw this up, but we didn't.

So...

I hope this plot of land

suits you for your
eternal resting place.

Farewell.

Happy travels.

- That was really
nice, Lawrence.

- Thank you.

And I will take you
up on your offer.

- What?

Oh God, Jesus.

You just hit me in the neck.

What the hell was that?

- I don't know, I've never
been in a fight before.

- You hit like such a faggot.

At least give me some warning.

- I told you not to
call me that anymore.

I'm sick of it.

You don't accept me,
Dad never accepted me,

my work doesn't accept me.

My own boyfriend
doesn't accept me.

I'm tired of it.

- Now, what the
hell was that for?

- [Lawrence] I don't
know, emphasis.

- You didn't have to do that.

He's just trying to help us.

- You people.

You wanna act that way,

you can bury your
own dog gone father.

- We're sorry, Rusty.

It's all right, buddy.

See you in hell,
you old bastard.

Sorry Mom.

- Don't even start.

That's great news, Tom.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Okay, bye.

Kevin.

Kevin.

- [Kevin] What?

- That was Tom.

Investigation's over.

They're calling it an accident.

- Great, let's all have
a circle jerk about it.

(gentle music)

- [Elijah] To my dearest June,

and my two sons, Kevin
and Lawrence Shaw.

I went to the
doctor again today,

and it seems it's official.

They've given me eight
to 12 weeks to live.

Now, at this point, I feel
I'm faced with a choice.

Upon finding this note,

you'll understand
that I have made it.

Rather than withering away
like some half ass sand castle

on some no good beach somewhere,

just waiting for fate
to deal me my hand,

I have decided to do
the courageous thing

and go out at the
top of my game.

June, I want you to know that
despite all our differences

and all our issues,

I have, and I will always
love you 'til the end of time.

And to my sons,
Lawrence and Kevin,

I know I didn't say it enough,

but I'm extremely
proud of you both

for the men that
you have become.

You both have chosen
your own paths in life,

and I respect you for that.

I love you both.

Heck, I love you all.

And everyone else, well,

shit fuck 'em if they
can't take a joke.

All the best, Elijah Shaw.

(gentle music)

♪ Ooh

♪ Ooh ooh

♪ Ooh ooh

♪ Ooh

♪ Ooh

(upbeat music)

♪ Ooh ooh

♪ Ooh ooh

♪ Ooh ooh

♪ Ooh