Eleven Eleven (2015) - full transcript

-=Sync&Corrected by Misiek666=-

Look, I always try and
tell my wife the truth, okay?

But, obviously,
I haven't always been able

to tell her the whole truth.

My name is Tim Faris.

This is my wife, Eve,

and our daughter, Mallory.

She's 15 now.

That's Dax.
Lives next door.

Friend of Mallory's.

Just ignore him.



I work as
a tour guide in Sedona,

a small town
in Northern Arizona,

famous for its
vast red rock formations,

hundreds of energy
vortexes, or vortices, whatever,

for its beautiful dark skies,

but most of all for
its constant UFO activity.

My own alien abduction story

starts 16 years ago...

just after Eve and I got married

and about nine months
before Mallory was born.

To be honest, things weren't
going well between Eve and me,

so when one drunken night

I met a beautiful
woman with a spaceship,

well, it's not the kind of thing
you can share with your wife.



On the other hand,

you shouldn't keep these kind

of things bottled up inside.

Luckily, I do have
a place I can go

where I can relate to everyone.

I'm James, and I'm an abductee.

Hi, James.

I'm Kim, and I'm an abductee.

Hi, Kim.

It's been 24 hours

since my last abduction.

Hi, I'm Tim,
and I'm an abductee.

What? I was abducted. I swear.

It's not an abduction

unless the spacecraft

actually lifts off.

That's so unfair.

Take us to your leader.

We come in peace.

I think
I might stay home tonight.

I just love seeing
their little faces light up

when I pass out the candy.

I don't want to miss that,

so I'm just going to stay
home, okay?

- Okay.
-But you can get me
a Butterfinger.

- Ew, gross.

Ugh.

How's it feel kissing an alien?

Oh, um, it feels
just like kissing my wife

- except, you know, more purple.

-You sure you don't
want to come?
-Come on, Dad.

It just means more candy for us.

The bags are in the car.

Next week me and my friends
want to go picket the pet store

to stop selling live animals.

Will you take me?

You want them to
start selling dead animals?

That doesn't
sound very vegetarian.

Dad!

Anyway, I'm not just
a vegetarian, I'm vegan.

Vegan? You mean
like Vegan, the star?

No, I mean vegan,
like no animal products.

Oh.

Come on, we can walk.

- So, vegan, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

How long have you been vegan?

Since about four o'clock.

Huh.

I, I am really sorry

about the temporary
accommodations back there.

So, follow the path to the top.

Where, exactly, are
these things going to land?

Oh, well, well,
it's very, very unlikely

that we'll see an actual
UFO today, Mr. Halford,

but, uh, we visit sites where
UFO landings have been reported,

so here's what we know
based on abductees' reports.

Their technology
is unbelievable.

Have you ever
been abducted, mister?

Well, yes.

Yes, I have.

Cool, where did they take you?

Well, we didn't
actually go anywhere.

That's not a real abduction.

Let's take a look.

Uh, thanks for everything
you do, Eve.

Bye, Pastor Paul.

I thought drinking
was against your religion.

Jesus turned water into wine.

I don't think he'd mind us
having champagne
for our anniversary.

A hundred bucks?

You don't own me, LOL.

The joke's on you.

You're my mother,
not my jailer, mofo,

so hang up the Nazi attitude

and get me a cell phone.

It's beautiful, dear.

Thank you.

You have a real gift for words.

Thanks, Grammy.

Are you comfy?

I'm fine.

I just love having you
here to keep me company.

Do you know how old I was
when I got my first cell phone?

63.

Mallory, dinner's ready.

Bags off the table, please.

Oh.

Wow, this looks amazing.

Vegetarian.

Absolutely no meat.

I'm vegan, so I don't
eat eggs or dairy.

For what
we are about to receive,

may the Lord
make us truly thankful.

Everybody's got one.

Not everyone.

What?

- A cell phone.
- A cell phone.

Jeez, Dad,
don't you pay any attention

to what's going on
in the real world?

Mallory, do not use
the Lord's name in vain.

What Lord's name?
I didn't say anything.

Abbreviations count, dear.

You mean "jeez"?

Everybody says "jeez."

- It doesn't mean anything.
- Mallory!

You know what
would be good with this?

Ketchup.

Well, I appreciate the gesture,

but you don't
have to kneel for me.

Andromeda?

Holy crap!

What are you doing here?

I don't know.
I just dropped by to say hi.

What is this thing?

I... I use it to attract aliens.

It's...

I can't believe this.

I never
thought I'd see you again.

Yeah, but here I am
in the flesh, so to speak.

I told you I'd come back.

15 years is a really long time.

How... how did you
even know where I live?

I'm an alien, dummy.

We know...

Almost everything.

Almost.

Since you're here, I need you
to come with me to a meeting,

so you can tell
everybody about the abduction.

The abduction?

Oh, you mean when the,

yeah, no, um, there
was no abduction, Tim.

We didn't go anywhere.

We can fix that
right now if you want.

That would be awesome.

Wouldn't it be?

Yes, come on.

I... I got about 20 minutes.

Oh, oh, no, no,

I'm talking about for the
rest of your life.

I can't do that.

You disappoint me, Tim.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Besides, you're not
the only human I came to see.

Wait, wait, Andromeda, wait.

Let's talk.

Okay, I want to
make myself very clear.

Yeah, me too.

Dear?

Tim, shall I see if the hot tub
is warm enough yet?

Uh, uh, I'm on it.

Where are you?

Um, I'm dealing with a pest.

A rat?

Um, a skunk.

Um, no, no, you
don't want to go down there.

It's, it's, it's, it's crazy.

I'll take care of it.

- Oh. Okay.
- It's, it's, it's okay.

Now where were we?

No, stop it!

This is going to happen either
my way or no way at all, okay?

Oh, my God, it is so super-cute
when you try to be
dominating, oh.

You're going to take me on
a very quick trip to outer space

so that I can get pictures
and prove it happened, okay?

Now, meet me tomorrow at noon

at the base of Thunder Mountain.

Do you understand?

A skunk, huh?
I don't smell anything.

No, weird, huh?

Must have been one
of those albino skunks.

Ew, there's got to be a better
way to cover it than this.

Oh, I'm going to go get changed.

Do you remember when
we used to be spontaneous?

Yes, but we grew up, sweetie.

We have responsibilities now.

Oh! Tim!

Okay, I can be spontaneous.

Bring it.

Oh, oh!

Oh.

Sit down. You'll be warmer.

Oh.

I baptize you in the name of

the alien race
that came to Earth

that you call God.

Tim, oh, my gosh!

- That wasn't funny.

Say you're sorry.

Oh!

Oh!

- I'm going to get you.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Oh, my gosh.

Truce, truce.

- You are crazy, Tim.
- -Truce.

- Oh.
- Oh.

I'm going to have
to do my hair again.

What do those look like to you?

Jet trails.

They look like numbers to me.

I... I've been seeing
11/11 everywhere lately.

That's wonderful.

You don't mind?

Why would I mind?

It's just God reminding you
of something important.

Thank you.
I'm glad you see it like that.

Can you believe it's
going to be 16 years next week?

I've invited a ton of people.

I told Mallory
she can invite a friend or two.

You know, female, of course.

You know, in a couple of years

the conversation
won't be about cell phones.

It'll be about cars.

Oh, please don't say that.

- Letting her...
- I cannot handle that right now.

Letting her have a cell phone

doesn't mean
she'll get pregnant.

But if she has a cell
phone, she's going to...

I just can't do that right now.

I'm sorry.

Every man I know
pees standing up.

Well, it's your turn
to clean it, then.

- I aim carefully.
- I know you do,

but you're supposed to aim
at the inside, not the outside.

Ew!

Oh, ooh, ew, ew, ew, ew.

I want to go out. We're going
to picket the pet store

to stop selling live animals.

Tim, can you take her, please?

I already have plans tonight.

Well, I would, but I have

a toilet to clean.

You know,
this wouldn't be an issue

if you would just
let her have a cell phone.

We wouldn't have to
chaperone her around everywhere.

I am not willing
to risk losing her.

Pastor Paul
has really opened my eyes

to the dangers
of modern communications.

Cell phones lead to texting.

Texting leads to dating.

Dating leads to pregnancy.

It's not worth it.

Hello, lover!

Hey!

Hello!

Go away.

You better let me in.

I'm going to start
making a scene out here.

You don't want that.

Hi.

I told you I'd meet you
at Thunder Mountain.

Nice place you got here.

I love your style.

Oh, oh, I need
to see my daughter.

She's Eve's daughter now.

- You gave her up.
- Oh, come on.

I, I, I really want to
hang out with her, you know,

and, you know, kick it with her.

It's a little late for that.

Um, okay, look, how about...

How about you tell your wifey

that I am here
doing a documentary

about Crock-Pots that believe
in UFOs.

It's perfect.

Do you mean crackpots?

Oh, what's a Crock-Pot?

Oh, well, it's...

We don't have time for that.

-Eve's going to be
home any minute now.
-Okay, great.

Can she tell me
what a Crock-Pot is?

No! No, just forget
about videos, or photos, or...

I'm not going to lie to my wife.

It's a little late for that.

You see what I did there?

I, I'll e-mail you
some photos or something.

Just don't ever come back here,

and you do not get to see her.

Okay, but what if I take you

on a tour of the solar system?

Because you like

- the solar...
- No, stop, stop.

- Oh, my...
- Okey-dokey, well,

- um, yeah.
- But give a second...

We'll definitely think
about Mormonism

- and whether it might...
- No.

- Be right for us.
- Hold on a second.

- Hold on, I just...
- See you, bye.

- Wait, wait.
- -Bye.

Wow, you really got
to admire people

with faith
in such crazy ideas, right?

Are you ready?

Let's go picket.

Um, no, let's, let's
go out the back door, um,

because actually
it's such a nice night

and those crazy
Mormons are out there.

Good morning, sweetie.

I've stopped speaking.

Why have you stopped speaking?

Tim, would you
like to come with me?

I'm sure Pastor Paul
would really love to meet you.

Well, Jesus
said suffer the children,

so I'll stay home
and make sure Mallory suffers.

Oh, God!

I'm sorry.

You, you left the door unlocked.
I didn't think you'd mind.

Uh, there must be
some misunderstanding.

- I have no, I...

- Tim?
- What happened?

Eve, this, this is Andromeda.

I... I hadn't expected her
to show up today.

Oh.

She's here to
interview me and Mallory.

Oh, why?

Well, I'm doing
a documentary about UFOs,

and I wanted
to interview his daughter

to find out what it was
like living with a crackpot.

- Oh, a crackpot?
- Yeah, that's what I said.

Oh... I thought
you meant Crock-Pots.

I can give you the good
stories on both of those things,

but, um, I really have to go.

Maybe next time.

- Bye, hon.
- Bye.

I'm very excited to
film you in your documentary

for the UFO thing.

Um, what do I do?

Told you give me a few days.

What are you talking about?

I want to see my daughter.

You cannot tell
Mallory who you are.

Oh, my gosh, you can't
tell me what to do.

I'm begging you, please,
just Eve can't find out, just,

just tell her you're, you're,

you're a... friend
of the family or something.

All right, whatever.

You... you just say
hello and then leave, okay?

I don't know.

Okay?

Okay.

Mallory. Oh, huh.

There's someone
I'd like you to meet.

Hi.

Oh, she can't speak.

Hold on.

I'm your mother.

What are you doing?

Oh, my gosh.

I, I, I was going to say

I'm your mother's friend.

Now the cat's out of the bag.
Sorry.

She's your mother's friend.

No, stop lying.

I had sex with your father
a long time ago, and, well,

- I guess...
- Will you please shut up?

I mean, you were drunk,
but I, what?

When, when a man
loves a woman very much,

but that woman
is constantly depressed,

and that man goes to
a party without that woman,

and gets really drunk...

You can't tell
your other mother.

Thank you.
Your sermons are so inspiring.

It's good to see you, Eve.

Thank you for all your service.

God is very grateful.

I enjoy it.

Perhaps you'd like to come
by for lunch one day this week.

Oh, um, I'll see you
at the food bank.

I'm really, really sorry, okay?

I wanted to tell you,
but I just,

I didn't think
you were quite old enough.

I'm not proud
of what I did, okay?

I had a one-night stand
with that woman, Andromeda.

Sex was just amazing,
like mind-blowingly cosmic...

and then nine months later

Andromeda shows up with
this tiny wriggling pink thing.

I made up a story about you
being abandoned by the creek.

Can't we just
keep her for one night?

She's the most,

she's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

We had just lost a baby,

but she saw you
for the first time.

You healed her heart.

Please just hear me out.

Just, just one
more, just tiny detail.

Andromeda is...

is, is a vegan,
Vegan, she, she...

I don't mean no animal products.

Put your dish in the dishwasher.

We can do our animal
rights protesting later, honey.

Come on, let's, let's go.

All right, here we go.

Oh.

There you go.

All right, Mr. and Mrs...

Sophie Jones and Clint Lane.

You kept your maiden name.

- That's, that's cool.
- I'm an actress.

I use it as my stage name.

Oh, cool, cool.

Okay, okay, right this way.

Um, so how long
have you been married?

- Eight years.
- Five years.

Oh, we're not
married to each other.

We're having an affair.

We decided
to have a weekend away.

The affair was in trouble.

She's exaggerating.

We're fine.

Affairs don't just
happen, Clint.

You have to work at them.

Well, good news.
It's felt like work recently.

This is the place
where Daniel Wirtzuk

first encountered his,

the... the extraterrestrials
from the crashed ship.

I'm sure there's another woman.

You, you mean another
other woman?

Exactly, another other woman.

The aliens, uh, will, will,

will see this
from their spaceship

and think it's one of
their own craft in distress.

We call it a bait ship.

I have another word for it.

I'd call it batshit.

At first the sex is great.

But then eventually
you're just trapped by two women

instead of one.

Imagine being able to
see how, how they live,

how they eat,
how, how they reproduce.

Alien porn.

I'll stick around for that.

Should I?

Well... let's
continue on, I guess, um.

Anyone ever tell you
you look like that guy

from that singing show?

I'm incognito.

Wow, that is you!
Wow, that's cool!

That's great. I, I think
you have a good chance, man.

Hey, I just joined
the competition to get laid.

I vaguely
remember what that feels like.

Are you married, then?

16 years.

We get married for the sex,

and what's the first thing
that goes after the honeymoon?

Yeah, try losing a baby, too.

Aw, ouch.

That's why guys like us
have to have affairs.

No, met a hot alien and
didn't have enough willpower.

For real?

Did you film that,
by any chance?

There you go.

I wonder what the rest of
that sentence was going to be.

Sorry?

Mallory's graffiti.

What do you think
she was writing?

"You can't tell me what to do.
You're..."

Not the boss of me?

Oh, you'll never guess
who I gave a tour to today.

Hang on. I want to watch the
rest of "American Voice Talent."

I missed Thursday's episode

and I want to see
who gets knocked off.

That's what
I'm trying to tell you.

I just met one of the
contestants, Clint Dwayne,

and I think
we saw an actual UFO.

Pastor Paul says
there's no such thing as aliens.

He says those creatures
that, stoned rednecks see

when flying saucers land
on their trailer,

are actually demons
sent by Satan to tempt us.

Wow,

he sounds like he is
really out there.

I thought we could
have lunch on the patio.

You know, my allergies
are kind of acting up.

I... I think
I'm going to stay inside.

Dax!

Dax, come here.

I... I need your help.

I'm hoping you can defuse
some of her anger.

She won't talk to me
or her mother, Eve.

Whoa, have you gone blind?

Dude, this is really effed up.

Thank you for
your diagnosis, doctor.

Talk to her, please.

Just...

Hey, babe.

Did you see that?

She looked right at me.

I cured her blindness.

40 years and I have
never gotten tired of that view.

How's Eve?

Fine, I guess.

How am I supposed to know?

If you are
honest and kind with her,

she'll open up to you.

Do you still love her?

Of course I do.

Well, then show her
once in a while.

Ow!

Tim,

- what are you doing?
- Sh.

Sh, come with me.

What's going on?

Just trust me.

- Just follow me.

Right this way.

Okay.

Sit, sit.

Now you can look.

Wow, what's all this for?

I thought we could use a
little romantic dinner for two.

For no reason?

For a very definite reason:

because I love you.

And what about Mallory?

I love her too,
but she's not hungry.

She's staying
in her room tonight.

I should go say hi.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

There's no need.

She's fine.

For an appetizer, may I
suggest chocolate eclairs?

Uh, chocolate
eclairs for a starter?

Cheers.

May I recommend the strawberry
cream cake galore.

Oh.

Mm, I have to admit you played
your cards right tonight.

This could be your lucky night.

For what he is about to receive,

may the Lord
make him truly thankful.

Thank you for the meal, captain.

I loved it.

You're welcome, number one.

Would you like
to explore my quarters?

Welcome to your final frontier.

Warp speed?

Mallory!

Uh, um, I was wondering
how you were doing, sweetie.

Uh, uh.

What?

What in heaven's name
is that about?

What is that?

Um, it looks like

it might be some kind of,

um, spycam.

Someone's spying on our family?

Doesn't that worry you?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Course it does.

I'm going to go to Walmart.

They have to
have a scanner, you know,

so that we can
scan our house for bugs.

Yeah, I'm sure they got those.

They got everything, right?
Um, but, um, um,

don't you have to go to
the food bank in the morning?

You know what? I'll go.

You just get
some sleep, you know?

Ha-ha!

Hey, buddy, let's chat.

Let's catch up on old times.

Are you mad?

I'm a little frustrated,
but that's not the point.

Make something up.

Get out!

Fine, if that's
the way you want it.

- Hey, everybody!
- Okay, okay, okay, okay!

- Hello?
- Hi, hon. Um,

hey, there seems to be

some kind of alien
visitation happening, um...

Really?

So I might go by

and check that out, uh,

after I go to the store, okay?

Okay,

- be careful.
- Okay.

Love you.

- Was really good.

Let's party.

Why did we come here?

Why did you even come back?

And why am I seeing
11/11 everywhere now?

That's when I leave,

but you have
to do something for me...

right here.

I, I can't do anything with you.

I'm not talking about having
sex with me, you big dummy.

Come on, I have come
a long way to see you.

The least you could do is...

tell me about our daughter.

And then,
in fifth grade, she made

- the honor roll.
- That's amazing. So good.

You know, if, if I used
the flux capacitors

to control
the iambic pentameter,

we could be gone for three days,
but come back,

like an hour or two
after we leave.

That would be fantastic! Oh!

Flux capacitors to
control the iambic pentameter?

Yes, you don't have
any words for our technology,

so I use words that earthlings
can relate to, you know?

It's going to be
centuries before you have a...

Life-is-like-
a-box-of-chocolates drive.

Chyea.

Hello?

James, I'm going into space,

and this time
it will be undeniable.

James?

You do understand
that Abductees Anonymous

is for people who
want to stop being abducted?

I know, but... you guys

are the only people
I can really relate to.

Okay, Tim.

Just be sure to
bring plenty of Vaseline.

Vaseline?

Why?

You don't think.

No, no, no, no,
Andromeda wouldn't do that.

Would she?

They all use probes, Tim.

Um, excuse me.

What aisle do you
keep the Vaseline on?

11?

11.

That's him. That's the guy
I gave a tour to.

Oh, I recognize him.

Wow, he was on your tour?

This is catchy.

- He's good. I want
to vote for him.

Give me your phone.

What's the number?

Hi, this is Clint.

Leave your name and message.

Be right back to you.

Maybe.

Hi, this is Clint.

Leave your name and message.

Be right back to you.

Maybe.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What just went on here?

What did you say to her?

Lettuce, gone, a date.

You just invited
my daughter on a date?

If you're going to
start going out with boys

you're going
to need one of these.

Activated and charged.

Do not tell your mother.

Call me before you get home.

I do not want
your mom to find out

that you've been
out without a chaperone.

Just wait right here.

I, I, I, I'll be just a minute.

Hey, Clint.

Yeah?

Hey, nice job
on the show last night.

Oh, hey, thanks, man.

Um, I, I just have a
really quick question, um.

Where you do get the
inspiration for all your songs?

Oh, you know, from life.

My life!

I, I, I told you
those things in confidence

and you went
on national television

and sang a song
about my sex life?

Dude, it's just a song.

It's not a big deal.

And to make it worse,
you tell the entire country

that my wife
won't have sex with me.

Ah, nobody knows that was you.

You know, you're just making
a mountain out of a molehill.

Just chill out, man.

Got to go, got to go.

Got some business to attend to.

I love this song!

- Paul!

What a pleasant surprise.

I just happened to
be in the neighborhood.

Well, why don't you have a seat?

Maybe I could get
you some coffee or tea?

Uh, I can't stay long.

Is your family home?

They're out and about, you know.

You know,

I've never actually met Tim.

I see him when he picks you up,
but we've never spoken.

You know, he's out

looking for little green men.

We've talked about that before.

Those little
green men are demons, Eve.

I'm sure he uses precautions.

Uh, uh, have you ever
considered being with someone

who's more aligned
with your spiritual beliefs?

Excuse me.

Well, well,

well, I, I, I, I, I know,

I, I, I, I'm sure that Tim
was a good man once, but he...

What are you...
What are you suggesting?

- Jesus said that...
- Jesus schmeezus, just...

just give it some thought.

Oh!

Well,

your eternal soul is at stake.

Hi!

Hi.

Hi, um, Evelyn?

It's Eve.

- Eve.
- Yes.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I am here to see if, um,

uh, Mallory, is that her name?

Um, if I could
interview her about her dad.

Right, well, Tim and
Mallory will be home soon,

so you can
have a seat if you'd like.

Oh, great.

Thank you.

I'm just, Sunday
night dinner, you know.

Cleaning the house.

So,

so when was the first
time you realized

that your husband was crazy?

We were driving
home late one night.

This...

this was a long,

a long time ago,
before Mallory came along.

Okay.

And we saw this light, both
of us saw it, a bright light.

It was really fast and...

changing all
different directions in the sky,

and I was pregnant at the time,
about 8 and a half months.

- Aw.
- Yeah.

Tim decided
to run after that light.

Crazy, right?

Yeah, so he left me alone
in the car all by myself.

Two days later
the baby was stillborn.

- Oh.
- Yeah, and,

sometimes think that
maybe that light

had something to do
with me losing the baby.

Is that why you
think aliens are demons?

Um, Tim told me
that you thought that.

Um, Pastor Paul, he teaches us
on the devil's minions.

It makes sense.

Not much else has since then.

Of course, right.

I lost my baby too.

Really?

Yeah.

So sorry.

I think about my baby every day.

Can I pray with you about it?

It always helps me.

Oh, gosh, I just did that

right when I was pulling up.

Oh, God, I just,

yeah, I'm not going
to pray again for another...

you know, like four hours.

Oh, right, okay.

You know, why don't
you just stay for dinner?

It'd be no trouble
at all, you know?

And afterwards you
can interview Mallory.

Oh, thank you, that would...
- For your film.

That would be great.
Thank you so much.

Yeah, and we could talk.

- Sure.
- Pray afterwards.

What's for dinner?

Now, now from this shot

we can see the same
disdain for a parent

that we find among young humans.

So in other words,
your half-alien hybrid

has absolutely no
distinguishing features.

Exactly!

Isn't that amazing?

- Oh, man.

Um,

my dad says that I'm...

half alien.

No way, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

He, he feels that my mother,
my birth mother is Andromeda,

and my dad
says that she's from Vega.

That means you have
special powers and shit.

Maybe.

Guess you're going to
have to wait to see.

See you tomorrow.

No, no, stay for dinner.

Do you think your mom
would be okay with that?

Well, afterwards we can.

Okay, so we've been together
all afternoon, remember?

We go in together.

Tim!

You don't understand, Mom.

I'm not lying for you.

You're speaking again.

Oh, that's great.

Your mother
will ground you for a year

when she finds out
what you've been up to.

I'm sure it's your ass
you want to protect.

What did you just say?

- Grammy!
- Oh, mwah!

Why are we
telling Mrs. Faris

that we spent the whole
afternoon together?

- Excuse me?

I'd like this young
man to stay for dinner.

I... I hope you don't mind.

Yeah, we don't need that noise.

We, we've got guests.

Ooh, I'll get it.

-Pastor Paul, go away.
-I, I, I thought you might
like me to meet your family.

- Maybe another time.
- -Who is it?

So nice to meet you
finally, Tim.

- Serve the beans.

Uh, Pastor Paul came by
to say hello

and see how we all are,

but he can't stay long.

There's nothing urgent.

Looks like you made
plenty of food, Eve.

Who's going to say grace?

- Oh.
- Uh, uh, Tim.

You're the spiritual head
of the household, you know?

Um, sure.

Um, okay, so, um,

in the beginning God
said, "Let there be light,"

and, and then he said, "Don't
put that light under a bushel

because it might catch fire,"

and then the burning
bushel told Moses to leave Egypt

after 40 years of fasting,

so goddamn, are we
grateful for this meal, right?

Goddamn, yes.

Amen.

Amen.

Uh, so, Andromeda, is this?

Yes, that's right.

What do you do?

Uh, she's making a video.

About people with crazy beliefs.

Yeah.

She certainly

came to the right house.

Oh, Mallory,
I have something for you.

I think you're going to
really like it.

Seitan!

Be gone
from this house, evil one.

Yeah, it's, it's, it's seitan.

It's, um, it's a Vegan delicacy.

She means vegan.

No, I don't.

Is that that stuff
made from the other stuff?

Exactly, wheat
gluten, yeah, good, yeah.

I, I thought it was,

I thought
you meant something else.

Yeah, Satan, unfortunate name.

Yeah, yeah, kind of
like Ashley for a boy's name.

Oh, Mallory, are you
still protesting animal rights?

- Mm-hmm.
- That's my girl.

- Yes!

You okay?

- Something in your throat?
- -Yeah.

Okay.

Did you make
the beans in a Crock-Pot?

So you got secret plans tonight?

So you're my real mom.

Yes, I am.

Are you seriously an alien?

Seriously.

Does that mean that I'll have,
like, special powers?

Well, you'll have
an innate flexibility

that'll make you
a hit at swingers parties.

- Ah.
- Yeah, it's fun.

Why did you get rid of me?

I didn't get rid of you.
You're just better here.

You,

do you think I'll have
pink hair like you do?

Here's the cool part.
When we get home,

you can pick
whatever hair color you want.

Home?

Yeah.

You think that you could
just come here from outer space

and take me away?

I'm not going anywhere with you.

This is my home.

You can't just have me now.

I see you got the drama
gene from your father.

What is it with this family?

Hey, babe.

- Paul, you have to go.
- But...

- No, I, but...
- I am married.

You need to find
someone who's available.

You're right.

I, I'm sorry.

For the love of God,
divorce him and marry me.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me.

Um, I don't suppose you could
give me a ride, could you?

My car won't start.

Yeah, no, I, um,

I'm about to have some
quality time with my daughter,

-so maybe
Eve can do that for you.
-Your daughter?

- Yeah.
- You mean...

Yeah.

Mom's the word, father.

Father would be Catholic.

I'm, I'm not a priest.

- Hmm?
- I...

No, I don't care.

Huh, it's late.

We should get you home.

It doesn't
seem late at all to me.

- Well, it's later than it seems.

Hon, can you
take Mom home for me?

Uh, I've got dishes to do.

I've got that
interview with Andromeda.

- Tim!
- Oh!

I'll take you, Iris.

You can do the dishes.

Yeah,

bye, Mom.

Yeah.

- This will be nice.
- Yes.

I've had enough of his ugly
mug to last me a lifetime.

Andromeda.

I hate to impose.

My car broke down.

We don't mind...

- Great.
- ..do we, Eve?

All right.

Okay.

Do you remember
how tiny Mallory was

when we took her to Slide Rock?

Yeah, she called
it "Swide Wock."

I can't believe
how grown-up she is now.

She'll always be my baby.

But she's very independent.

Oh yeah, she wants to be,

but one of us
goes everywhere with her.

- It's just not safe out there.
- Surely she'd be safer

if she had a cell phone.

What's she been saying?

You can't hang on forever, dear.

Believe me.

In the end, the only
thing you'll get is resentment.

Andromeda!

Hello, you big stud.

Which side of
the bed do you want?

This side right here,

or do you want this side

right here because
you can have any side.

- Get out!
- Oh, stop it.

Frigidaire doesn't have
to know anything about this.

Don't talk
about my wife that way.

Well, she's not
exactly a Hotpoint, is she?

You know, it may come
as a surprise to you,
but on this planet

people aren't just appliances
you can use and then discard.

Wait a second.
Is that a Jean-Luc Picard quote?

I'm going to update
my Spacebook status.

No, seriously, do you
want some fizzy wine?

Why aren't you with Mallory?

You finally had an opportunity.

Mm, I don't know. I guess I
found someone else
that I'd rather talk to.

What are you doing?

- Jeez.
- Where are you going?

Oh, God, your butt is so cute.

I remember you told me
once that Mallory is adopted.

You're an embarrassment
to your profession.

You did a good thing taking in

- someone else's child.
- Oh, you preach

on the sanctity of marriage

and then you
suggest I divorce Tim?

That's hypocrisy.

I'm against hypocrisy,

but I guess
it's okay once in a while.

That's a joke.

Wow, tough crowd.

Why do you care
who gave birth to Mallory?

Never mind.

You think that
means I should dump her

like you think
I should dump Tim?

I... I'm sorry for what I said.

I think you're wonderful,

and I'm very envious of Tim.

Isn't that one of
the seven deadly sins?

I don't think there
was any specific mention

of Tim in those.

- Alright, alright, time to go.
- I know why.

- Come on, come on.
- No, but I don't want to go.

Okay, come on.

Oh, my God, I love this.
This is so cute.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Come on, let's go.

Hey, do you
think I'm going to be

from being
miserable like that one day?

Beauty's in the eye
of the beholder. Come on.

That's just ugly-person
propaganda. What are you doing?

- Shit, that's going to be Eve.

- Wait. Oh, my God.
-Come on, come on.
Let's go spend some

- quality time with Mallory.
- You are so cute.

This is your chance.

Aw.

No, no, no, no, no.

What have you two been doing?

Dad, I'm wearing a bikini.

Chill.

Your mother will have a fit

if she thinks I let you
into the hot tub with a boy.

Oh, thanks for your concern,
Dad, but Dax isn't a boy.

-He's my boyfriend.
-Oh, that makes it
so much more palatable.

Put your clothes on,
both of you.

Go home, Dax.

I, I just want you to know my
intentions towards your daughter

are strictly horn-erary.

I mean honorary.

Honorable?

That too.

What were you thinking?

You'd better hope
we get this cover back on

before your mother gets home.

What do you think?
Do you like it?

It'll keep the rain
from puddling like it does
on the tarp.

Thank you, Mother Sky.

Where's my phone?

Where's my camera?

Oh, no, no, honey. It's okay,

it's okay. We're safe.

Just leave it to me, okay?

It's an honor to meet you.

This'll be a quick trip, right?

Uh, my wife will
be home any minute now.

Do I have time
to get my Vaseline?

Okay, okay, just stay here.
Don't, don't move.

Don't go anywhere, okay?

Dad!

No!

You've got the wrong person!

Eve is going to
be home any minute now.

I've got to rescue Mallory now.

Yeah, good luck with that.
Let me know how it goes.

You're going to help me.

No way, it's a waste of time.

You're never going to
be able to track them down,

so see, we need to start over.

Start over?

Yeah, make another baby.

You see, I'm only
here for one more day,

and my cosmic clock is ticking,

so I really need your tock.

We have to find another
ship so we can follow them.

That's not going to happen.

We have to find a way
to save our daughter.

Oh, okay, now all
of a sudden it's our daughter?

Relax.

She's going to be fine.

I'm home.

Stay in here
and don't come anywhere

under any circumstances.

Do you understand me?

Yes, I understand you,

but she's the one that suggested
that I conduct interviews.

She did not suggest

that you drink an entire
bottle of expensive champagne

and then try
to seduce her husband.

Yeah, you're kind
of right about that.

She's not that imaginative.

Oh, thanks for doing the dishes.

I thought Andromeda
would still be here

doing her interviews.

Uh, she, she went home

to, to get a different
video camera.

Is Mallory in her room?

Uh, probably.

I'll go check on her.

I'll go with you.

Have I told you
how much I just love you?

Oh, Tim.

Mallory, are you okay in there?

Are you okay in there?

Listen, Mal, I'm sorry

that I've been
so hard on you lately.

I'll try to relax a little and
let you live your life, okay?

No, no, no, no. Why don't we
just, why don't we just let her
have her privacy?

- We don't want to overstay
our welcome.

Uh, uh, uh, James, it's Tim.

Listen, I need your help.

My daughter's been abducted.

Sorry, Tim, but this
is Abductees Anonymous.

What you need is, is Abduct-Anon

for families
and friends of abductees.

Ugh, dammit!

Andromeda.

Andromeda, I need your help.

Come dance with me!

What are you doing?

I'm dancing, man.

Come dance with me. Come.

Timothy?

- What's going on? I heard music.
- Nothing, nothing.

I was just trying to set
an alarm, and, um, I messed up.

You know how I am.

So what is today's affirmation?

Oh, I'll go check.

Yeah, let's.

Okay, something...

Oh, oh, you know what?

I... I forgot my cell phone
back upstairs.

I... I'll be right back.

Wha!

Andromeda, well,
thanks for coming back.

That was, uh, that was,
that was really quick.

Yes, my, my hotel is
very close to the home,

so...
I got here very fast.

Hey, what's that?

- A map.

Shows the way back to Earth.

It looks like it's an invitation

to a crazy sex orgy.

Is that Vaseline,

because you're going to need it
for the sex orgy.

God, would you lighten up?

The... the acoustics
are so much better in there

for the interview
that we just filmed.

Oh, where's your camera?

I have a spycam in my bra,

so do you want to see it?

- Uh, a spycam?
- Yeah.

- You use spycams?
- Mm-hmm.

You're the one who's been
spying on our daughter,

Mallory? Get out!

I would never spy
on my daughter.

That's,
that's just an expression.

Obviously, she doesn't
mean her daughter.

- Sh...
- Get the heck out of my house!

Oh, my God, you can't
say hell. Just try it.

Just... please,
say hell.

Hell, get the hell out.

It's like hello, without the O,

which you should know because
you stopped having sex with
your husband,

- so.

Tim.

- I... I didn't say a word to her.
- You know what?

We have a very,
very fulfilling love life.

Ooh, I'm hot.

Not that's it's any of
your gosh-darn business.

Goddamn!

It's Goddamn, woman.

Come on, you can say that.

Now, he didn't tell me anything.

It was, uh, Clint,

and he's been singing
about your frigid-idity all over

national television.

What the eff
are you talking about?

Okay, Andromeda, time to go.

Well, you should
probably listen.

Why are you taking her
to the back door?

Because it's,
it's the nearest exit.

Get her the heck

out of here.

The hell, the hell out!

I... I, I think it was the
hot tub that attracted the UFO.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The aliens probably
wanted a nice warm soak.

I, I, I think it had something
to do with the shape of...

Do you think that's
the same one?

No.

Come on, come on,
let's go, come on.

Oh, have you seen Mallory?

No, I came to study with her.

Mallory and Tim are missing.

Where are the captain's chairs?

And what about navigation
controls and the huge monitors?

Where's Mallory?

Tea, Earl Grey, hot.

When they bring us food,

we're going to have
to attack them and break out.

What makes you think
they're going to bring us food?

They have to take care of
our basic needs, don't they?

Isn't there some kind of cosmic

galactic Geneva Convention
or something?

Maybe this is the holodeck.

Mm-hmm.

Computer, take me
to Earth, 21st century.

Wow, look at that.

Verizon really
expanded their network, huh?

You going to answer it?

Eve?

Oh, my God, Tim.

Where the hell are you?

Um, I'm just doing research

on, on alien lifestyles.

I'll, I'll be home soon.

You have Mallory, right?

Absolutely.

You abduct our daughter,
you stay out all night,

and you don't answer your phone.

Are you trying to kill me?

I'm sorry.

I must have been
in a bad reception area.

Oh, and that bitch
that's been spying on us.

You know, I found four other
cameras planted in this house.

- Is she with you?
- Andromeda?

-Oh, hi!
-No, no, she's, she's
not, she's not with me.

- The party's in two hours.
- Party?

I was sure you
wouldn't forget this year.

You said you'd been
seeing signs from God.

I did?

That doesn't sound like me.

Reminders of
our anniversary, 11/11.

Of course.

No, no, I didn't forget.

Happy anniversary, honey.

I'll be home before the party.

I promise.

Happy anniversary.

If I ever make it home,
my wife is going to kill me.

Well, if she doesn't kill
you, the roaming charges will.

See what I did there?

But I don't understand.

We've only
been gone a few minutes,

but, but she says
I've been out all night.

Mm-hmm.

And, and how was I
able to get that call?

She says I haven't
been answering my phone.

Yeah, well, I apologize

for the crappy reception

in outer space.

Now see, if we're traveling
near the speed of light,

time is going to move
much slower for us.

That's the opposite of
what I wanted to happen.

Yeah, I guess you haven't
caught up on your Einstein,

have you?

You have to let us out.

We're going to die in here.

And you call this an abduction?

Even the grays
could do better than this.

Dad!

Mallory!

I'm in here, Dad.

Stay right where you are.

I'm coming for you.

Crap!

Dad!

Don't just sit there,
come help me.

- Mallory.
- Dad!

Dad!

Are you okay?

I think so.

Tea, Earl Grey, hot.

Okay, we need to
come up with a plan, okay?

Dad!

Oh, good, a free colonoscopy.

Oh, I know.

I have Vaseline.

Come on, come on, Dad.

Thanks, Dad.

Okay, okay now,
now what do we do?

Do you still
have your cell phone?

Yeah, yeah, here, okay, okay.

All right, okay.

Oh, oh,
we need to get out of here.

-Straight through
that door, now!
-Okay.

The one on the right.

They understand English.

Or maybe, maybe they
can read our thoughts.

Nope, I just thought of the one
behind me, and nothing happened.

Probs not abbrevs.

Probs not abbrevs.

Are you saying?

- Def, def, okay.

I'm JFM.

What the, what is JFM?

What does that mean? I, I, I...

If I tell you, it defeats
the purpose, doesn't it?

Yeah, but I've never
heard that one before,

so how am I supposed
to know what you're saying

if I don't
know what you're saying?

I just made it up.

I don't know any abbreviations

for escaping from
alien torture chambers.

JFM, just follow me.

What does that mean?

Try to work it out.

- Smell my hair?
- No!

No, um...

- No.
- Shake my hips.

- How's that going to help?

We are so dead.

I'm so sorry about Tim.

I knew he was a nutcase,
but we all loved him so much.

The one on the left.

Well, um, guess
we don't have to worry

about having
too much choice anymore.

Timothy, he did not,

the urgings
of his wife and pastor,

he danced with the devil, and
the devil slipped him a roofie

because that's what he does.

Well, now what?

Give me your phone again.

Okay.

And forsaken easy fodder

for demons to feast upon.

- Yes?
- It's me.

Tim?

Oh, oh, my God,

oh, my God, Tim, we are at
your memorials, you and Mallory.

What are you talking about?

We, we waited nine months,

but we finally had to
admit that you were dead.

Is Mallory okay?

Yeah, she's fine.
Um, listen, we need your help.

Computer, cut
communications booster.

- The hot...
- Hot.

Tim?

The hot what?

Hot, hot what?

Iris?

Oh, Tim, oh, hot.

Hot what?

Oh, hot what?

Oh, God.

Hot tub, hot tub.

Okay, hot tub.

What about the hot tub?

Come on, hot tub.

Tim!

Computer, disable
automatic distress response.

I'm sorry,
Andromeda, I can't do that.

What?
The authorization code is 5756.

It is a hot tub, not a
flying saucer, you idiot.

Do not respond.

Responding.

What?

Tim!

I'm sorry, Andromeda.
You're not authorized

to cancel a distressed
spacecraft emergency response.

God, please help me.

Have you got my family
in there, you bastards?

Oh, no, no.

Emergency, liftoff failure.

Unable to pressurize.

Entry tube jammed.

Unable to ascend.

Dad!

- Go!

Security alert,
medical bay doors open.

I'm going to go get help.

Save yourself. Go find

Andromeda. She'll help you.

What?

Hey, I like your style.

You?

Yeah, it's me.

It's been me all along.

You abducted my daughter?

Well, technically
she's our daughter,

so how about this?

Why don't you come with me,

and we can all go
as a happy family?

- Go to hell.
- Oh, stop it, you big baby.

I'm offering you
lots of cosmic sex.

Okay, you know what? It's not
working on your anymore, is it?

All right, fine.

Listen, truth, um,
my race is dying,

and I need an infusion of DNA

from a primitive humanoid
species to strengthen our DNA,

got it?

You were
going to extract her DNA?

Well, no, no,
see the original plan was

you were supposed
to come to Vega with me,
and we were going to mate

and produce hybridized offspring
with your pure DNA,

and everybody
was going to be happy,

and I was going to be a
hero, boop, boop, boop,

but that didn't happen,

and yet the elders
still granted me

a second visit down here

to see if I could get you
or Mallory

to come home with me...

but you
weren't leaving your wife.

I asked Mallory if she would be

willing to come back and live
with me, and...

So you just kidnapped her?

No, I, I tried, but the elders
have this hard fast rule

of no forced abductions...

you know, so that's why we
couldn't leave the solar system

when Mallory was held captive.

If I fail at this mission,

there's not going to be
any of us left,

and I'm failing miserably.

It's not too late.

There, there are thousands
of men on Earth that would,

would do anything
for a woman like you,

but it can't be me.

I'm in love with Eve.

Wait.

Look, I, um,

I need to tell you something.
I don't know

if this is going to help
clear your conscience, but...

you weren't just drunk
when you had sex with me.

I drugged you.

You wouldn't even have sex
with me when you were wasted,

and, um,

I guess I just want to
say I'm, I'm really sorry.

Oh, oh, for heaven's sake.

You got to take a shower
and get some clothes on.

There's some things
I need to tell you.

No, it's okay.

You know?

I saw it in your
face the night it happened.

I didn't
realize it was Andromeda,

but I knew
you'd slept with somebody.

All this time and
you never said a word?

I didn't know what to say.

I just bottled it up inside.

I withdrew from you,
and I went a little bit crazy.

I'm sorry.

- Oh.
- I'm so sorry.

If you hadn't have slept
with Andromeda,

we wouldn't have Mallory,

and I would not give up

our family for the world.

Oh, Tim.

I had to buy
another bottle of champagne.

I still can't figure out what
happened to the one we bought
last year.

Andromeda drank it.

Thank you for being honest.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Can you believe it's
been 17 years of marriage?

It's been 16 for me.

Damn Einstein!

We have a year's worth of
sex to make up in one night,

but first
let's only once, since,

well, I think
that's going to change

because your sins
have been forgiven.

Hey!

You watch where that
tongue is going, young man.

Not really.

Shut up, Mom.

I am ROFLMAO.

Do you even
know what that means?

Oh, honey.

Semicolon,
hyphen, closed parentheses.

Mom, you can't say that.

The winky face only
works when you type it.

Ooh, I hear our
special guest outside.

Let's go dancing!

- I'm James, and I'm an abductee.
- -Hi, James.

I'm Laura, and I'm an abductee.

Hi, Laura.

Hi, I'm Tim,
and I am an abductee.

Whoo!

Yeah!

God, I feel like a,
I feel like a kid again.

Yeah!

It's the second coming.

It's beautiful, and you're
beautiful, and I'm beautiful.

Come on, Father,
or should I call you Daddy?