Electric Love (2017) - full transcript

Subtitles by explosiveskull

WE'VE NEVER MET.
IN FACT, I'M NOT EVEN SURE YOU EXIST.

SO WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?
MAYBE YOU'RE HOT.

MAYBE I'M TRYING TO GROW
MY INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS.

MAYBE I JUST NEED VALIDATION
THAT I'M A GOOD GUY,

AND THAT MY SOULMATE
IS STILL OUT THERE.

WHATEVER THE REASON, JUST HOLD
OFF ON YOUR JUDGMENT TILL THE END.

WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE I'LL BLOW YOUR MIND.

SO WHERE DO I START?

UM, I WISH I COULD SAY
IT BEGAN WITH A SWIPE,

BUT IF I'M BEING REAL,
IT BEGAN



WHEN I SAW "EDWARD SCISSORHANDS"
FOR THE FIRST TIME.

SOMETHING ABOUT WINONA RYDER
AND JOHNNY DEPP

JUST ROLE-PLAYING TIM BURTON'S
WET DREAM REALLY SPOKE TO ME.

I BEEN CHASING
THAT ROMANCE EVER SINCE.

HONESTLY, IT'S EXHAUSTING.
SO WHY EVEN TRY?

WELL, DESPITE THE FACT
THAT MY CYNICISM GROWS

LIKE TENSIONS WITH NORTH KOREA,

HOPE... HOPE THAT MY PERSON
IS STILL OUT THERE.

DON'T LOSE HOPE JUST
BECAUSE YOU'RE ALMOST 30

AND YOU HAVEN'T MET SOMEONE YOU
FEEL COMFORTABLE FARTING AROUND.

♪ I DIDN'T MEAN TO TAKE IT,
OH... ♪

PARDON ME, SIR.

ARE YOU THE HANDSOME GENTLEMAN I
CAME UPON IN MY CELLULAR DEVICE?

YOU ARE SO GOOD-LOOKING,
I JUST HAD TO TALK TO YOU.



I AIN'T NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE,

SO COULD WE TAKE IT REAL SLOW...

OKAY... JUST BE A NORMAL HUMAN
FOR FIVE SECONDS.

OKAY.

HI. UM, THIS IS EMMA WARREN,

AND IT IS FRIDAY, UH,
DECEMBER 3RD

AT APPROXIMATELY 4:00 PM.

IF I GET RAPED
AND SERIAL KILLED,

IT WAS PROBABLY
WILLIAM FROM TINDER,

WHOSE LAST NAME IS...
I DON'T KNOW,

UM, BUT YOU CAN FIND IT
IN MY PHONE UNDER...

HE... HEY!

HEY!

ARE YOU WRITING ME A TICKET?

YOUR METER'S EXPIRED.

I WAS SITTING IN THE CAR.

YEAH, I SEE YOU IN THERE
PUTTING ON MAKEUP,

BUT THIS ISN'T A GREEN ROOM.

ARE YOU SERIOUS, $68?

- HAVE A GOOD DAY, MISS.
- NO.

THIS... THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

- WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
- MY NAME'S ON THE TICKET.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

YOU NEED TO FILL
YOUR LITTLE QUOTA OR WHATEVER,

BUT THIS IS INSANE.
THIS IS SO BACKWARDS.

IT'S ACTUALLY
VERY STRAIGHTFORWARD.

GOD, WHY DOES EVERY METER MAID
HAVE TO BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE?

YOU KNOW, I'D LEAVE
MY JOB OUT OF THIS,

AND YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S NOT
BEING VERY NICE RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS?

HOW'S THAT FOR NICE?

BOOM. YEAH.

THIS DOESN'T EVEN NEED MONEY,
MA'AM.

I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY.

NOT NICE, HE SAYS.
I'M SO NICE.

WELL, MAYBE IF YOU PUT SOME
MONEY IN YOUR METER

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GOT A TICKET.

LISTEN, IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF YOU'RE IN THE CAR,

ON THE CAR,
LISTENING TO THE CAR,

PUTTING MAKEUP ON THE CAR,

OR PUTTING MAKEUP ON YOU,

YOU GOTTA PUT MONEY
IN THE METER.

GET SOME HELP!

- WILLIAM?
- EMMA?

- HI.
- HEY.

SORRY, I WAS BUSY, UH,
FIGHTING THE MAN.

SO, I THOUGHT THIS PLACE
WAS A CAFÉ.

OH, YEAH, IT'S CAFÉ STYLE,

SO YOU CAN ORDER FOOD
AT THE BAR.

YOU KNOW,
THEY'LL SERVE IT TO YOU.

HEY, COULD I GET ANOTHER ONE?

SO, UH, WHAT DO YA...
WHAT DO YOU WANT HERE?

LIKE FROM THIS DATE OR...?

- OR...
- OH, FOOD.

YEAH, OR DRINKS.

OH, CAN I HAVE A FOOD MENU,
PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

- THANK YOU.
- YEAH.

I WAS WORRIED 'CAUSE YOUR FACE IS
BLOCKED IN MOST OF YOUR PHOTOS.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

THEY'RE ALL IN, LIKE,
SUPER DARK SETTINGS

OR FROM REALLY FAR AWAY,

SO IT'S KINDA TOUGH TO, LIKE,
MAKE OUT YOUR FACE.

MM.

WHY DID YOU SWIPE THEN?

- 'CAUSE I SWIPE ON EVERYONE.
- OH.

YEAH, JUST 'CAUSE YOU MATCH DOESN'T
MEAN YOU HAVE TO CONVERSATE.

OKAY. THEN WHY ARE WE
CONVERSING?

YOU SEEM FUN.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY ROOMMATE WOULD LOVE YOU.

- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.

I GET A VERY POLYAMOROUS VIBE
FROM YOU.

LIKE A MORMON?

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, IT'S BLUE CURACAO.

ISN'T THAT A LIQUEUR?

YEAH, I ONLY DRINK LIQUOR.

EXCUSE ME.

CAN I HAVE A, UM,
THE ROASTED BRUSSELS SPROUTS,

AND THE SWEET POTATO FRIES.

- ONLY NORMAL.
- WHAT?

- ONLY NORMAL FRY.
- OKAY.

SASHA.

SO, UM, WHAT WAS THE LAST THING
YOU WERE IN?

YOU MEAN LIKE ON TINDER?

NO, I MEAN LIKE A TV SHOW
OR SOMETHING.

I DELIVER WEED.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE AN ACTOR.

OH! SOMETIMES.

- MOSTLY I DELIVER WEED.
- OH.

BUSINESS MUST BE BOOMING.

WHAT? IT TAKES LONGER
TO MICROWAVE LEFTOVERS.

WHAT IS, UH, THE MOST ADVENTUROUS
THING YOU'VE EVER DONE?

- WHAT?
- TELL ME, LIKE,

WHAT THE MOST ADVENTUROUS THING
IS YOU'VE EVER DONE.

OH, GOD, UH, MY FRIENDS INVITED
ME SKYDIVING ONCE,

BUT I CHICKENED OUT.

- WHAT ABOUT YOU?
- WHAT?

DEB. HEY, HEY.

UM, OH!

- YEAH, LET'S HUG.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- YOU SMELL DELIGHTFUL.
- OH!

- THANK YOU.
- UH, YEAH, CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

YOU SEEM LIKE AN APEROL SPRITZ
KINDA GAL.

- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.

OKAY. HOW REFRESHING.

IT AMAZES ME HOW FEW PEOPLE
WILL EVEN ENTERTAIN THE IDEA.

I MEAN, WHEN AN OPEN
RELATIONSHIP FALLS APART,

- EVERYONE'S QUICK TO BLAME THE OPEN RELATIONSHIP.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.

BUT WHEN A COMPLETELY MONOGAMOUS
RELATIONSHIP FALLS APART,

NOBODY EVEN THINKS
TO BLAME THE MONOGAMY.

YEAH, THAT'S
A REALLY GOOD POINT.

IF A RELATIONSHIP'S GONNA
FALL APART

IT'S BECAUSE
OF THE PEOPLE IN IT,

NOT THE CLASSIFICATION.

BUT JUST TO BE CLEAR,
YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

YEAH. HE'S A SMALL DOG TRAINER.

YOUR BOYFRIEND IS SMALL
OR HE TRAINS SMALL DOGS?

BOTH.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

UH, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST LOOKING
TO CONNECT WITH SOMEBODY.

THE APPS ARE GREAT FOR THAT,

BUT UNLESS YOUR EQUATION
ADDS UP PERFECTLY...

YOUR JOB PLUS YOUR HEIGHT
DIVIDED BY DISTANCE...

THEN IT'S JUST AN INSTANT SWIPE
TO THE NEXT.

- YOU THINK THAT'S HOW GIRLS USE TINDER?
- WHAT?

THAT MOSTLY ONLY GIRLS CARE
ABOUT HEIGHT?

I MEAN, YEAH, I GUESS.

WHAT'S YOUR PERFECT
EQUATION THEN?

I JUST KNOW THAT I WANNA MEET
SOMEBODY THAT I LIKE.

YOU KNOW? EVER SINCE
I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL

I'VE JUST WANTED TO BE
IN A RELATIONSHIP,

BUT, UH, THE TYPE OF PERSON
I'M LOOKING FOR?

- HOPEFULLY I'M JUST TAKEN BY SURPRISE.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, IT'S LIKE RUINING
THE END OF A MOVIE.

YOU KNOW?

IF YOU ALREADY KNOW
WHAT TYPE OF PERSON YOU WANT,

THEN IT'S NOT MUCH OF A SURPRISE
WHEN YOU GET IT.

- GET WHAT?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK I WANT?

A HAPPY ENDING.

NOT... NOT LIKE A...

HAPPY ENDING, BUT...

HAPPY ENDING LIKE IN...
IN A MOVIE.

JUST DON'T SAY "GET IT."
YOU SOUND POSSESSIVE.

SO, IS THIS WHERE YOU
TAKE ALL YOUR TINDER DATES?

NO, SOMETIMES WE SIT OVER THERE.

WELL, I DON'T LIKE THIS PLACE.

OH, WE CAN GO TO THE BAR
DOWN THE ROAD.

IT'S FRENCH THEMED.

- ARE YOU DRIVING?
- YEAH, SURE.

I... I VALETED,
I CAN... YEAH.

- CAN I SEE YOUR ID?
- WHAT?

I'M GETTING INTO A STRANGER'S CAR,
I NEED TO TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR ID,

AND TEXT IT TO A FRIEND
JUST IN CASE.

IN CASE I KILL YOU?

- HEY.
- I HAD THE WAITRESS GET ANOTHER ROUND.

- OH, NICE.
- MM-HMM.

- IT'S A REALLY COOL PLACE.
- YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

THESE, UM, THESE WALLS ARE
ACTUALLY IMPORTED

FROM THE FRENCH QUARTER.

- OH. YEAH.
- NEW ORLEANS. IT'S IN NEW ORLEANS.

I DIG IT.
IT'S LIKE WE'RE OUTSIDE,

BUT WE'RE ACTUALLY INSIDE.

I HAVE A SUITE AT THE CHATEAU
RIGHT NOW.

SMOOTH TRANSITION.

WELL, ACTUALLY IT'S A DOWNGRADE.

I, UH, I WAS AT THE MONDRIAN
LAST NIGHT, BUT...

YEAH. SO WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO?

YOU INVEST?

NO. NO.

I, UM, I BUY AND SELL WALLS,
ACTUALLY.

- WALLS?
- YEAH.

- LIKE, LIKE THESE?
- YEAH.

PAR EXEMPLE.

THESE WALLS ACTUALLY CAME
FROM, UH,

A BUILDING IN BOURBON STREET.

AND THANK GOD FOR KATRINA,
'CAUSE I GOT A STELLAR DEAL.

- THEY WERE GONNA TEAR THAT PUPPY DOWN.
- WHOA.

YEAH. SO, THEY'RE... THEY CAME IN
NICE AND WEATHERED.

- WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF WORK.
- YEAH, OH, YEAH.

THAT'S JUST NEVER-ENDING.

I MEAN, THESE PLACES ARE SO HOT
FOR LIKE A MINNIE,

AND THEN THAT'S IT, YOU KNOW.
IT'S OLD NEWS.

I MEAN, THIS PLACE MAYBE
HAS A MONTH LEFT IN HER.

REALLY? I THOUGHT THIS PLACE
LIKE JUST OPENED.

YEAH, I ACTUALLY HAVE MY...

MY HEART SET ON THIS WALL
IN BEIJING, CHINA.

- MM.
- YEAH.

YOU, UM...

PHOTOGRAPHY.

- YES.
- YOU'RE TRYING TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER.

- YEAH. YEAH.
- YEAH.

GO AHEAD. NO, YEAH, GO AHEAD.

I'VE ONLY HAD LIKE ONE LEGIT
PHOTOGRAPHY GIG MY WHOLE LIFE,

AND IT ENDED WITH SALMA HAYEK
THROWING A SHOE AT ME.

SO, MY EX KNOWS SALMA.

THEY KNOW EACH OTHER.
YEAH, TALK ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME.

SHE SAYS, "SELMA HAYEK..."

- YEAH? THAT'S COOL.
- YEAH.

- YEAH. YEAH.
- FOR HER.

UM, SHE'S GREAT.

I JUST MEAN, UM... I WAS SAYING
THAT I SHOW UP TO THIS...

THIS BEHIND-THE-SCENES SHOOT
AND THE HOST HANDS ME HIS PHONE

TO GET SOME INSTAGRAM PICTURES...
WHICH, I MEAN, I GET IT.

IT'S LIKE FRIDA IN THE FLESH,
YOU KNOW.

UM, BUT ANYWAY, SALMA'S TALKING
ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE,

AND I KID YOU NOT,
HIS PHONE GOES OFF

WITH NIRVANA'S "RAPE ME"
AS THE RINGTONE.

IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.

I WANTED TO CRAWL
INTO A CORNER AND DIE.

- THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU.

THANKS.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU
TO GET TO KNOW ME.

I MEAN, I THOUGHT I WAS DOING
THE NICE THING,

BUT TO HER I WAS LIKE THE MOST
DISRESPECTFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD.

NICE BUILDING, BY THE WAY.
NICE FOUNTAIN.

I HAD FUN TONIGHT.

YEAH? I... I DID, TOO.

YEAH. MAYBE NEXT TIME
WE CAN DO SOMETHING

THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE ALCOHOL.

- SOUNDS FANTASTIC.
- YEAH.

GOOD NIGHT, LAUREN.

ADAM.

ON THE SURFACE IT LOOKS LIKE JUST
A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SLEEPING AROUND,

BUT OUR LOVE IS JUST
AS LEGITIMATE

AS A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP.

IF ANYTHING, WE JUST HAVE
TO COMMUNICATE MORE.

OH, DON'T TELL ME
YOU'RE A FAN OF POLYAMORY

BECAUSE IT IMPROVES
COMMUNICATION SKILLS.

NO, IT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY
CHERRIES ON TOP OF A FLAVOR

I SUGGEST EVERYONE TRY.

BUT YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING
JUST ONE FLAVOR.

YOU'RE LOOKING TO DIP YOUR SPOON
INTO A BUNCH OF LITTLE CARTONS

- AND HAVE A TASTE.
- THAT DOES SOUND DELICIOUS.

WELL, DOESN'T MEAN
YOU ALL OF A SUDDEN KNOW

WHAT GOES INTO MAKING ICE CREAM.

AS ABE ROSEN SAID,

YOU'RE JUST A FAN OF THE TERM
"POLYAMORY,"

BECAUSE IT'S LESS JUDGMENTAL
THAN "SLUT."

- WHO THE HELL IS ABE ROSEN?
- I TAKE IT YOU DON'T READ YOUR COMMENTS.

OH, AN INTERNET TROLL?

LOOK, YOU CAN JUDGE ME ALL
YOU WANT FOR USING TINDER

OR BUMBLE OR ANY OF THE APPS

THAT ACTUALLY MAKE DATING FUN
FOR A CHANGE.

BUT IT'S 2018, BABY!

I'M NOT ASHAMED OF CALLING
MYSELF AN EMPOWERED SLUT.

WHAT'S EMPOWERING ABOUT NOT BEING
ABLE TO COMMIT TO ONE PERSON?

SURE, MONOGAMY MIGHT BE
CHALLENGING AT TIMES,

BUT IT'S ALSO MORE REWARDING.

SORRY. WORK.

AH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT'S MY MONO MATE, EMMA.

COMING HOME
FROM ANOTHER TINDER ADVENTURE.

EMMA, TELL US,
HOW DID IT GO?

FOR THOSE OF YOU AT HOME
WHO CANNOT SEE,

SHE JUST MIMED BLOWING
HER BRAINS OUT.

EMMA, DOES THAT MEAN
IT WAS EXPLOSIVE?

- NO.
- MM, NOW SHE'S ROLLING HER EYES AT ME AS IF TO SAY,

"CHARLOTTE, I, TOO, DISAPPROVE
OF YOUR LIFESTYLE.

MM, MORE LIKE THAT'S THE LAST TIME
I GET A ROOMMATE ON CRAIGSLIST.

- LOVE YOU, GIRL.
- LOVE YOU.

- SERIOUSLY, HOW'D IT GO?
- NO, I DON'T WANNA INTERRUPT. I HAVE TO LEAVE AGAIN ANYWAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, STAY.
YOU TWO WOULD HAVE A BLAST.

IT'D BE LIKE
THE MAVENS OF MONOGAMY

VERSUS THE POLY
HOUSE OF PLEASURE.

NO, SOMEONE'S COMPLAINING
ABOUT A LEAK.

- CALL A PLUMBER?
- YOU WANNA PAY FOR IT?

GOOD LUCK.

WELL, DAMN.

NOW I'M IN THE MOOD
FOR ICE CREAM.

- HELLO?
- LAUREN.

ARE YOU CALLING ME?

SHOULD I NOT HAVE CALLED?

IT'S JUST WEIRD.

IT'S WEIRD THAT YOU THINK
IT'S WEIRD.

LOOK,
I'M SORRY IF I WAS MISLEADING.

I'M JUST NOT LOOKING
FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS.

WHY'D YOU KISS ME THEN?

I...
IT SEEMED LIKE IT WOULD BE FUN.

SO YOU DON'T WANNA SEE
EACH OTHER AGAIN?

NOT RIGHT NOW.

CAN I ASK WHY?

I'M JUST NOT
LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

NOT WITH ME, YOU MEAN.

YOU'RE LIKE A COLLEGE KID.

I MEAN, WHO WEARS A T-SHIRT
ON A FIRST DATE?

IT'S KINDA HARD
TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.

O-KAY.

GOOD LUCK.

LEISURE VALLEY.

YOU SOUND LIKE
YOU WERE JUST FIRED.

I WISH. NOBODY'S HERE.

I WANNA GO HOME.

CHRISTMAS ISN'T A VERY POPULAR
TIME TO GET SICK.

CHRISTMAS IS THE MOST
POPULAR TIME TO GET SICK.

MAYBE GET SICK OF YOUR FAMILY,
NOT CONTRACT A VIRUS.

HA.

WELL, WHEN YOU'RE DONE
YOU WANNA GO OUT SOMEWHERE?

I DON'T KNOW.
I'M PROBABLY JUST GONNA GO HOME.

I... I HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO CALL.

I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 5:30

AND I'M SUPER TIRED AND, YES,
I KNOW I'M BEING LAME.

YOU STILL SEEING
THAT BUMBLE GUY, BEN FRANKLIN?

WE BROKE UP.

IS IT BECAUSE HIS NAME
IS BEN FRANKLIN?

BECAUSE HE'S SUPER SENSITIVE

AND I'M A CRAZY PERSON.

DID HE HAVE FOUNDING
FATHER ISSUES?

HILARIOUS.

WELL, THAT SUCKS.
I'M... I'M SORRY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I PROBABLY NEED
A BREAK FROM DATING ANYWAY.

ISN'T YOUR BIRTHDAY COMING UP?

THE 23RD.

AS IN LIKE TWO WEEKS?

MM-HMM.

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD DO
SOMETHING BIG.

STEF, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
LET'S DEFINITELY DO SOMETHING BIG.

ACTUALLY, DON'T DO ANYTHING.
I'LL ORGANIZE A RAGER.

HOW... HOW OLD ARE YOU TURNING?

MM.

- 30?
- YEAH.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA FIND
A MASSIVE HOUSE IN THE HILLS,

AND... AND WE WILL INVITE
ALL OF THE PEOPLE.

OKAY.

I'LL EVEN
INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND

FDR. HE'S AN ABSOLUTE DIME.

FAYE!
I GOTTA GO.

ALL RIGHT. BYE, STEF.

YO.

HOLY SHIT,
IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- I'M HONESTLY AMAZED THAT YOU ANSWERED.

YEAH, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON THAT
I KNOW THAT STILL CALLS ANYMORE.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

I'M ON BREAK.
GOTTA WORK ALL NIGHT, THOUGH.

YOU'RE HOOKING UP WITH SOMEONE.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS THINK
I'M HOOKING UP WITH SOMEONE?

I'D DO THE SAME
IF IT WERE THAT EASY.

- TOUCHÉ.
- YOU GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS?

NAH, I GOTTA WORK.
HOW ABOUT YOU?

I'M A JEW. I HEAR CHRISTMAS
AND I THINK CHICKEN LO MEIN.

OOH.

- THANK YOU.
- OF COURSE.

HEY, YOU KNOW, MAN,
I GOTTA GET GOING.

THE WORLD NEEDS
MORE MEN LIKE YOU.

AND TINDER NEEDS MORE WOMEN
LIKE YOU.

- WHAT?
- SORRY, I WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE.

OKAY. I'LL CALL YOU BACK
LATER, YEAH?

AH, LATER.

OKAY.

- HEY.
- HEY.

SO, UH, WHAT'S UP?

I THOUGHT WE WERE MEETING
AT YOUR PLACE.

NO. I TOLD YOU I CAN'T HOST.
I GOT A ROOMMATE

WELL, I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED
IN HOOKING UP IN YOUR CAR, DUDE.

YOU GOT A ROOM?

YEAH, I TOLD YOU.

YOU GOT ROOMMATES THOUGH, RIGHT?

I'VE GOT ONE ROOMMATE WHO'S COME
OUT ONCE IN THE LAST YEAR.

OUT OF HIS ROOM.

YEAH, LISTEN,
I DON'T DO THIS KINDA SHIT.

I GOT A GIRLFRIEND AT HOME,

SO EITHER WE JUST DO IT
IN THE CAR

- OR WE CAN GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.
- YOU GOT A GIRLFRIEND?

DOES SHE KNOW YOU'RE BI?

I'M NOT BI.
I'M STRAIGHT.

RIGHT. WELL, YOU'RE MEETING UP
WITH A GUY FROM GRINDR,

SO YOU'RE NOT STRAIGHT.

I'M NOT GAY.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GETTING
AT, I LIKE GIRLS.

WITH GUYS, YOU KNOW,
IT'S JUST PHYSICAL.

CALL IT WHATEVER YOU WANT,

I JUST WISH YOU WOULD'VE
TOLD ME BEFORE I...

YEAH, I DROVE UP
FROM PASADENA FOR THIS,

SO WHO GIVES A SHIT
WHERE WE DO IT?

I'M NOT HERE TO JUST DO IT,
OKAY?

ESPECIALLY NOT IN THE BACK
OF YOUR VAN.

WE'RE IN THE FRONT
OF A FORD EXPLORER.

COOL. SORRY.

THIS ISN'T A DATE, BRO.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A DATE.

OKAY? YOU KNOW WHAT,
I'M JUST GONNA...

- CAN YOU LET ME OUT, PLEASE?
- THEN WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?

I DON'T KNOW, JUST NOT THIS.
CAN YOU LET ME OUT?

- FOR REAL?
- YEAH.

I THINK YOU AND I ARE LOOKING
FOR DIFFERENT THINGS, OKAY?

YEAH. WHATEVER.

ASSHOLE!

DICK.

♪ WAIT FOR THE CHANCES
OF LOVE ♪

♪ SPEND EVERY FRIDAY AT HOME ♪

♪ WATCH DAYS GO BY,
BURNING DESIRES ♪

♪ IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT,
YOU GIVE AND THEY WON'T ♪

♪ WAIT FOR THE CHANCES,
TAKE A YEAR OFF ♪

♪ GIVE THEM MORE ANSWERS
BUT FROM ABOVE ♪

OKAY, YEAH.

YOU TOOK A BATH, YEAH?

UM... BATH?

ACTUALLY THERE'S A CRACK
IN THE TUB,

SO IF YOU DON'T MIND
TAKING A SHOWER?

UH, UH, YES, BATH BROKE.

I KNOW. YEAH.

I'M SAYING IF YOU DON'T MIND
TAKING A SHOWER,

IT'LL CAUSE...

YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT I'M SAYING, DO YOU?

RIGHT NOW.
I COULD JUST SAY ANYTHING.

NO, SHOWER.
UH, BATH.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
- YEAH.

WE TAKE BATH?

NEIGHBOR!
COME, JOIN US.

NO, DIEGO, I'M GOOD.
THANK YOU, THOUGH.

NO, BUT WE HAVE MARGARITAS.

MARGARITAS!

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL BE IN A LITTLE BIT.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WE GOT BEER, TEQUILA, I MEAN...

- BEER IS FINE WITH ME.
- AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU
THE BEST DRINK EVER.

DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.

- HOW'S IT GOING?
- OH, MIRA. OYE, HOMBRE.

UN FAVOR, VETE PA' FUERA,
CHEQUEA SI LLUEGO EL TRAFICANTE.

PUES, CLARO QUE SI.

MIRA, TOMA, TOMA, TOMA.

YOU KNOW, I GOTTA GET ME
ONE OF THOSE.

VERY SMART, VERY SMART.

I WAS NEVER ONE OF THOSE
NINE-TO-FIVE GUYS, REALLY.

I EARNED EVERYTHING
WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS

AND IT'S ALL MINE.

IT'S IMPRESSIVE.

COULD TOTALLY RENT OUT
THE ROOMS HERE.

ALL RIGHT, MISSY FOOL,
HERE YOU GO.

GIVE THIS YOUR TRY.

YOU GUYS ARE TOO NICE.

- WHAT IS THIS?
- MM, JUST TRY IT.

- IT'S TEQUILA.
- MM-HMM.

AGAVE MARGARITA.

NOW, I NEED YOU
TO HOLD ON TO THAT,

'CAUSE WE GOT YOU
SOMETHING SPECIAL

JUST FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

BOW!

UH-OH. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING TO ME?

OH, STOP COMPLAINING.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS!
- ¡FELIZ NAVIDAD, MIJITA!

- OH!
- WHOO!

- SO GOOD.
- OH, THAT GAVE ME GOOSEBUMPS.

ALFONSO!

CHANGE THE MUSIC, BRO.

I NEED SOMETHING MORE RED HOT,
RED HOT.

- I GOTTA DANCE. I GOTTA DANCE.
- COME ON. VAMONOS.

WHO'S ADAM?

OH, HE'S JUST THIS GUY
FROM TINDER.

INVITE HIM, INVITE HIM.

YOU KNOW, I WAS NEVER SINGLE

DURING THAT WHOLE ENTIRE, LIKE,
ONLINE DATING THING.

HE JUST HAD A FACEBOOK FLING.

- UH.
- YEAH, AN OLD HIGH SCHOOL FLAME TRIED

TO RECONNECT WITH HIM
ON FACEBOOK.

WHAT... WHAT DID SHE SAY TO YOU,
BABY?

SOMETHING LIKE, "HEY, D,

REMEMBER THOSE STEAMY NIGHTS
IN THE BACK OF YOUR TRANS AM?"

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
SHE'S MARRIED NOW

AND SHE'S JUST A MEMORY.

AND SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH YOU.

SHE WAS... NOT...
NOT HOW I INTERPRETED IT.

NO, AND BESIDES,
I TOLD HER, I SAID,

"HEY, NO, LOOK.
YOU KNOW, I AM MARRIED

TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD."

AWW. I DON'T THINK YOU GUYS WANT

SOME TINDER RANDO ROAMING
AROUND YOUR HOUSE.

HEY, ¿POR QUÉ NO?

IF HE'S A CREEPER...

I'M GONNA KNOCK HIS TEETH OUT.

WELL, LET ME SEE
WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.

- OOH, ME, TOO.
- HE'S CUTE, RIGHT?

HEY, WHAT'S...
WAIT, WHAT'S HE POINTING AT?

I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S A FILMMAKER,

SO I THINK HE'S, LIKE,
WORKING OR SOMETHING.

YEAH? HE'S FAIR-SKINNED.

- SO?
- I'M FAIR-SKINNED.

WHY'S HE SO SKINNY?

HEY, BABY, COMPARED TO THESE,
EVERYONE'S SKINNY.

YOUR NIPPLES?

OH, HE... HE MESSAGED YOU.

"DOES IT MATTER
THAT I'M JEWISH?"

WHY WOULD HE ASK IF IT MATTERS
IF HE'S JEWISH?

'CAUSE I SAID
I'M AT A CHRISTMAS PARTY.

OH, SO YOU ALREADY
INVITED HIM, THEN.

- OOH!
- AYE!

HE'S COMING, OKAY.
HE SAID HE'S COMING.

- HE'S COMING, OKAY? HE'S COMING.
- OKAY, OKAY.

THIS REMINDS ME OF, UH,
SHAVING MY LEGS.

UH, WHICH I ACTUALLY
DON'T DO ANYMORE,

UH, BECAUSE FEMINISM.

UH, NOW, IF YOU'RE...

ALL RIGHTY, THAT DOES IT.

OOPSIES!

ARE YOU... ARE YOU OKAY?

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

- HOW NEEDS ASPARAGUS?
- WHO NEEDS IT?

- WE COULD DO WITHOUT IT.
- YEAH.

YEAH, I DON'T NEED IT.

ALL RIGHT,
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

JUST GONNA MAKE A LITTLE MOVE
OVER HERE.

CAREFUL, I'M HEAVY.

NO, YOU'RE LIGHT AS A BIRD.

THIN AS A MACBOOK.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

HELLO.

HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU
HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE?

YES.

BUT I LIKE HEARING IT.

YOUR TURN.

TO THE MOST MAGICAL
THREE MONTHS OF MY LIFE,

AND TO STARTING A NEW CHAPTER
IN L.A. IN...

OH, MY GOSH!
IN JUST THREE WEEKS?

LOOK. MY HAND.

IT'S TREMBLING AT THE THOUGHT
OF YOU BEING HERE.

I CAN'T WAIT TO BE THERE
WITH YOU.

I FEEL LIKE I WAS BORN HERE
BY ACCIDENT.

OH. WELL, I'M SURE YOUR PARENTS
LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

OH.

NO. I DON'T MEAN
I'M AN ACCIDENT.

IT WAS JUST A JOKE ABOUT HOW NO
ONE LIVES IN WISCONSIN ON PURPOSE.

I SEE.

THAT'S FUNNY.

- CHEERS.
- CHEERS.

SMELLS LIKE A SENIOR CENTER
IN HERE.

ADAM JUST WALKED IN.

HI, ADAM!

SORRY.

HEY! HEY, SOPHIE!

YOU GUYS ARE SERIOUSLY ADORABLE.

SON OF A BITCH.

THIS KEEPS HAPPENING.

EVERY TIME I SAY A WORD
WITH SIRI IN IT,

MY PHONE THINKS
I'M TALKING TO IT.

HEY, LOOK. I'M SERIOUS.

I'M SERIOUS.

SERIAL KILLER.

I WANT A BOWL OF CEREAL.

- SIRI!
- THERE'S A SETTING FOR THAT, MAN.

IT'S NOT EVEN WORKING NOW.
WHERE?

I'LL SHOW YOU LATER.

ALL RIGHT.
UH, WELL, REAL QUICK.

MY 5-4 PACKAGE HASN'T COME YET.

CAN I BORROW A JACKET?

MAYBE A SWAB OR TWO
OF DEODORANT?

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DEODORANT?
- I GOT THE GEL KIND.

IT'S LIKE SLIMY AND GROSS.
I JUST... I HATE IT.

YEAH, OKAY.
UH, JUST NOTHING LEFT

- OF THE SWEATER VEST, PLEASE.
- BLESS YOU, DAVE.

- BYE, SOPHIE.
- BYE, ADAM.

WHERE WERE WE?

UH, DAVEY, MY COMPUTER'S DYING,

AND I LEFT MY CHARGER AT WORK.

LET'S TALK TOMORROW?

OH, OKAY.

UM, WHAT ABOUT DINNER?

I'M SORRY.
I WANNA FINISH,

BUT I'M AT ONE PERCENT.

I'LL TEXT YOU FROM THE OFFICE.

SURE. YEAH.

UH, LET'S DO THAT.

UH, SLEEP TIGHT.

UH, SLEEP WELL.

SUGARPLUM?

I LOVE YOU.

OKAY.

OKAY.

- TALK TOMORROW.
- YEAH, TALK TOMORROW.

TALK TO YOU... WE'LL...
WE'LL TALK.

GOOD NIGHT.

- BYE.
- BYE.

I SAID NOTHING LEFT
OF THE SWEATER VEST, ADAM.

- WHAT ARE YOU...
- I'LL REPLACE IT, IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO IT.

I LOVE THIS JACKET.

MINUS THE RATTLING NOISE.

I DON'T WANNA MISLEAD
ANY HOMELESS PEOPLE.

YOU OKAY?

I HEARD THE END.
OF YOUR CONVERSATION,

HOPEFULLY NOT THE RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT IS ON MY JACKET?

OH, IT'S PROBABLY
JUST DEODORANT.

HOW'D YOU GET DEODORANT
ON THAT PART OF THE JACKET?

I'LL JUST GRAB ANOTHER ONE.

THIS IS A RANDOM THOUGHT,

BUT WHY DIDN'T SHE JUST CALL YOU
FROM HER CELL PHONE?

THANK YOU.

HEY! I THINK I'M HERE,

BUT THERE'S... THERE'S POLICE
ON THE FRONT PORCH

AND IT SEEMS LIKE THE PARTY'S
BEING SHUT DOWN.

- YO! HEY.
- EMMA, HEY.

SORRY, IT JUST ENDED
LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO.

OH, NO. TERRIBLE TIMING. SORRY.

- NO, THANKS FOR COMING.
- OH, OF COURSE, YEAH.

YOU'RE... YOU...
YOU'RE VERY PRETTY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE QUITE HANDSOME.

OH, YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH.

WE SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE ELSE
'CAUSE I'M LIKE STILL IN THE ZONE.

YOU'RE IN THE ZONE, YEAH.
WHERE SHOULD WE GO?

- MM.
- GECKOS, AND YOU'RE BOTH COMING.

DO YOU KNOW THEM?

REALLY KNOW SOMEBODY?

- I DON'T KNOW, LET'S JUST GO.
- YEAH. OKAY.

♪ PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ♪

♪ PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA SE
NECESSITA UNA POCA DE GRACIA. ♪

YEAH! GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS,

YOU CAN DRINK
AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

JUST, UH, BE SURE TO LEAVE
MY UNCLE A HEALTHY TIP, HUH?

- OF COURSE.
- HEY!

A LITTLE, UH, JUNGLE JUICE.

THANK YOU.

OH, OH, TODAY IS MY UNCLE'S
40TH ANNIVERSARY

WITH HIS LOVELY WIFE,
MY TIA MARIA,

THAT BEAUTIFUL LADY SITTING
OVER THERE.

HOLA, TIA!

- HEY.
- HI.

HEY, CHEERS.

CHEERS!

HEY.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR SOME PERICO,

JUST HOLLER AT ME QUIETLY, HUH?

I DON'T WANT MY TIA TO HEAR.

- I'M OKAY.
- I THINK WE'RE GOOD.

- THANK YOU. THAT'S VERY GENEROUS.
- THANKS.

I DO ALL THE MAINTENANCE,

SO IF THERE'S LIKE A PROBLEM
WITH THE HEATER, I FIX IT.

IF THERE'S A LEAK, I FIX IT.

SO YOU'RE LIKE THERE
EVERY DAY TAKING NAMES.

- YES.
- AH, THAT'S IMPORTANT.

YEAH. DO YOU, UH...
DO YOU LIVE THERE, TOO?

NO. I LIVE IN LOS FELIZ,

BUT THE HOUSE I MANAGE IS NEXT
DOOR TO CARLA AND DIEGO'S.

THEY'RE GREAT, BY THE WAY.

- THEY ARE.
- YEAH.

I HATE GOING THERE ALONE,
THOUGH.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOME SORT
OF DEBAUCHERY GOING ON.

- AS YOU CAN SEE.
- NO, SCREW YOU!

- YOU DIDN'T EVEN INVITE ME ANYWAYS.
- IT'S A BAR.

I CAN'T STOP YOU
FROM SHOWING UP.

- SAY THEIR NAMES AND THEY APPEAR.
- HI, GUYS.

- MMM!
- AH, MY CHILDREN.

- ¿QUÉ PASO?
- HEY.

SO, WHO'S NEXT?

- FOR WHAT?
- ♪ SINGING ♪

- OH, NO, THAT'S NOT ME.
- NO. YOU GUYS DOING IT?

♪ DON'T STOP THAT FEELING. ♪

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU POINTING
AT ME FOR? NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

- IT'S GO TIME.
- NO, NO, NO, NO.

ADAM.

YES!

YES!

♪ COCKROACH, C-C-COCKROACH ♪

♪ ALL SHE WANTED WAS TO DANCE ♪

♪ SHE DOESN'T MIND THAT
HER LEG IS MISSING ♪

♪ SHE WOULD NEVER MISS
A CHANCE ♪

♪ IN THE HOUSE,
NOBODY WANTS HER ♪

♪ SO THEY HUNT HER
THROUGH THE BACK DOOR ♪

♪ NOW SHE GOES
AFTER THE CRUISING... ♪

I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHERE YOU MEET SOMEBODY.

TINDER'S JUST ONE
OF A MILLION PLATFORMS.

HAVEN'T YOU WONDERED
IF THESE DATING APPS

ATTRACT A CERTAIN TYPE
OF PERSON?

LIKE PEOPLE
WHO JUST WANT HOOKUPS

OR WEIRDOS CATFISHING
FROM THEIR MOM'S BASEMENTS?

I THINK I'M A PRETTY NORMAL GUY

AND I CAN'T MEET ANYBODY
ANYWHERE.

SO YOU THINK YOU'RE NORMAL, HUH?

WELL, MY MOM SEEMS TO THINK SO.

THEN AGAIN I HAVE BEEN OUT HERE
FOR SEVEN YEARS,

AND, I DON'T KNOW, ANY TIME
I SEEM TO LIKE SOMEBODY

THEY NEVER LIKE ME BACK.

REALLY?

I COULD BUILD A COLLAGE
OF ALL THE REJECTION TEXTS

- THAT I'VE EVER RECEIVED.
- GOD, THAT SURPRISES ME.

IT DOES.

NO, I'VE TRIED 'EM ALL, TOO.

LIKE BUMBLE, OKCUPID, JDATE,

JSWIPE, EVEN CHRISTIAN MINGLE

TO TRY MY HAND AT THE SHIKSAS.

WAIT, WHAT ARE SHIKSAS?

UH, THEY'RE, UH, ACCORDING
TO MY GRANDPA, PRACTICE.

NEVER MIND.

IS THIS SEXY THAT I'M TELLING
YOU ALL THIS?

- I... YOU'RE DOING PRETTY GREAT SO FAR.
- IS THIS SMOOTH?

GUYS ARE LIKE THE BALL
IN A PINBALL MACHINE,

AND GIRLS ARE LIKE
THE LITTLE FLIPPER,

PUSHING THEM
IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

OKAY, GUYS AND GIRLS
SHOULD PUSH EACH OTHER.

WE SHOULD BE EQUALLY SUPPORTIVE.

YEAH, BUT GUYS ARE
ONE-DIMENSIONAL.

YOU CAN'T BLAME THEM
FOR ONLY WANTING ONE THING,

JUST LIKE YOU CAN'T BLAME THE
BALL FOR GOING TOWARD THE DRAIN.

YOU MEAN THE HOLE.

GUYS ARE LIKE BALLS
AND GIRLS ARE LIKE THE HOLE.

I'M ACTUALLY SHOOTING
A MUSIC VIDEO TOMORROW.

TOMORROW?

- MM-HMM.
- YOU'RE OUT DRINKING?

IT'S A NIGHT SHOOT,
SO I CAN SLEEP IN.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT?

IT'S ABOUT THIS ELDERLY COUPLE
THAT HAVE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE.

ONE DAY THE HUSBAND GOES
TO AN ANTIQUE SHOP

AND FINDS THIS LAMP.

- LAMP?
- LAMP, YEAH.

LIKE A THING THAT EMITS LIGHT.

I KNOW WHAT A LAMP IS.
THANK YOU.

HEY, I'M NOT JUDGING. I JUST FOUND
OUT WHAT A DUVET IS YESTERDAY.

SO, ANYWAY, HE, UH,
THAT NIGHT, FLIPS THE LAMP ON,

AND WHAT DOES HE SEE?

HIS WIFE IS THE SAME AGE
AS THE DAY THAT THEY FIRST MET.

SO HE RUNS TO THE MIRROR AND
HE, TOO, IS 50 YEARS YOUNGER.

IT TRANSFORMED WHEREVER
THE LAMP CAST ITS LIGHT.

THEY FALL BACK IN LOVE

UNTIL THE END WHEN THE BULB
GOES OUT AND THEN THEY DIE.

WHAT?

I'M JUST JOKING.

THEY JUST REMEMBER WHY THEY FELL
IN LOVE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THAT'S SO CUTE.

I LIKE THAT.

THE LAMP'S LIKE
A METAPHOR FOR LOVE,

THE LOVE THAT WAS LOST IN THE
DARKNESS IS FOUND IN THE LIGHT.

- PROFOUND.
- MM. YOU SHOULD COME.

BRING YOUR CAMERA,
BE OUR ON-SET PHOTOGRAPHER.

- OKAY.
- YEAH?

YEAH.

SO I GET TO SEE YOU TOMORROW.

CAN'T WAIT.

OKAY, SO WE COVERED
DATING, WE COVERED WORK.

TELL ME...
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.

UGH. YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW?

WELL,
NOW YOU'VE PIQUED MY INTEREST, YEAH.

OKAY. MY GRANDMA WAS AMAZING.

I ACTUALLY LIVED WITH HER
FOR, LIKE, PART OF MY CHILDHOOD.

MY PARENTS WERE GREAT.

THEY'RE REALLY,
REALLY GREAT HUMANS,

BUT THEY CHEATED ON EACH OTHER
A BUNCH.

I HAVE THIS, LIKE, MEMORY OF BEING
IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY MOM'S CAR

WHILE WE STAKED OUT
THE OTHER WOMAN'S HOUSE,

JUST, LIKE, WAITING
FOR MY DAD TO COME OUT,

AND HE DID AND IT JUST GOT
SUPER CRAZY AND MESSY.

AND THEN SHE CHEATED ON HIM
TOWARDS THE END OF THEIR MARRIAGE,

JUST LIKE ONE LAST JAB AT HIM.

- THAT SOUNDS INTENSE.
- YEAH,

NOT THE FINEST HOUR
IN WARREN FAMILY HISTORY.

BUT THEY'RE FINE NOW.
I MEAN, SEPARATELY.

AND I WENT TO LIVE
WITH MY GRANDMA IN CONNECTICUT

FOR A WHILE AFTER THAT,

WHICH WAS PROBABLY THE BEST
DECISION I EVER MADE.

WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?
I'M SORRY.

I'M PROBABLY BEING, LIKE,
WAY MORE OPEN THAN I SHOULD.

NO, NO, NO. NOT AT...
NOT AT ALL.

I'M... I'M IMPRESSED.

YOUR GRANDMA DID A GREAT JOB
RAISING YOU.

SHE'S LIKE MRS. DOUBTFIRE,

ONLY AN ACTUAL WOMAN AND
NOT YOUR DAD DRESSED IN DRAG.

THAT'D BE DISTURBING.

AND QUITE PROGRESSIVE.

TRULY AHEAD OF ITS TIME,
THAT MOVIE.

- IT WAS.
- MM.

YEAH, I'M... I'M REALLY SURPRISED
YOU CALLED ME.

- WHEN?
- EARLIER TONIGHT,

BEFORE WE MET YOU CALLED.

WOULD YOU HAVE PREFERRED
I TEXTED?

NO. I LOVED IT.

IT WAS, LIKE, VERY SWEET
AND GENTLEMANLY.

WELL,
I'M GLAD THAT YOU APPRECIATED IT.

THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT CALL ME
ARE MY PARENTS

OR THOSE AUTOMATED MESSAGES
SAYING I'VE BEEN APPROVED

FOR A $20,000 LOAN.

WE SHOULD MAKE A DEAL

THAT ALL FUTURE FORMS OF
COMMUNICATION, PHONE CALL ONLY.

I'LL ONE UP YOU.

HOW ABOUT ALL FUTURE FORMS
OF COMMUNICATING

MUST BE DONE IN PERSON?

THAT'D MEAN WE'D HAVE
TO SEE EACH OTHER EVERY DAY.

OKAY, SO YOU DIDN'T LET ME
FINISH.

UNLESS WE'RE MAKING PLANS
TO SEE EACH OTHER,

AT WHICH POINT,
YOU KNOW, A PHONE CALL

OR A HANDWRITTEN NOTE WILL DO.

OKAY, IT'S A DEAL.

- SHAKE ON IT?
- YEAH.

IT'S OFFICIAL.

SO YOU TOLD HER YOU LOVE HER
AND SHE DIDN'T SAY IT BACK,

AND NOW YOU'RE WATCHING MY VIDEO BECAUSE
YOU THINK IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

I'M SORRY FOR YOU, BUDDY, YOU KNOW,
BUT I SPEAK THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH HURTS.

FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S A VERY GOOD
CHANCE SHE DIDN'T LOVE YOU AT ALL.

SHE WAS JUST TRYING
TO SPARE YOUR FEELINGS.

EVERYBODY WANTS CONNECTION
WITHOUT THE CONVERSATION.

SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR ANSWERS,

I SUGGEST YOU REMOVE
THE SUPER GLUE

BONDING YOUR TESTICLES
TO YOUR EGO,

START ASKING SOME
FUCKING QUESTIONS.

SECONDLY, I THINK...

LISTEN TO THIS.

"SO SORRY. I COULDN'T SLEEP.

HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH YOU."
SMILEY FACE.

"EMMA. P.S., REALLY SORRY
ABOUT THE LAMP.

LET ME KNOW
HOW I CAN MAKE IT UP TO YOU."

THAT EXPLAINS THE MESS.

- DID YOU LEAVE MONEY FOR IT?
- NO.

WAIT, SHOULD I HAVE?

DID SHE REALIZE THAT WAS A PROP
FOR YOUR SHOOT TODAY?

IT'S NOT EVEN THE LAMP
THAT I'M UPSET ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S THE FACT THAT
WE HAD THIS GREAT NIGHT OUT,

FOLLOWED BY A REALLY
GREAT NIGHT IN,

AND THEN SHE'S TAKEN OFF
AS IF IT WERE A ONE-NIGHT STAND.

- MAYBE IT WAS.
- IT WASN'T.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- SHOULD I CALL HER?

IF I WERE YOU, YEAH.

LOOK, THE EARLY MORNING DIP OUT
IS NOT BENEATH ME,

BUT I AM VERY AWARE THAT SOME
PEOPLE ARE NOT COOL WITH IT.

STOP BITING YOUR CUTICLES.

IT'S DISGUSTING.

IF HE ACTUALLY LIKES ME,
HE'S GONNA REACH OUT, RIGHT?

- MAYBE YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN.
- IF TINDER EXISTED

WHEN YOUR GRANDPARENTS MET, YOU'D
PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE RIGHT NOW.

MY GRANDMA WOULD'VE JUST SNUCK
OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

AND FOUND SOME OTHER SCHMUCK
FIVE MILES AWAY.

WHY YOU BRINGING
MY GRANDPARENTS INTO THIS?

BECAUSE, DAVE, THEY HAD IT EASY.

ALL RIGHT,
GHOSTING SOMEBODY IN 1940

JUST MEANT MOVING TO A DIFFERENT AREA CODE.

- WELL, LOOK WHO IT IS.
- I GOT YOUR TEXT.

I'M SORRY, THE ANSWER IS NO.

WELL,
DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WITH A LAMP?

- ANYONE AT ALL?
- NOT THE KIND YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

AND, HONESTLY, IF I WERE YOU,
I'D HAVE THIS CHICK PAY FOR IT.

RIGHT. WANNA HELP OUT TONIGHT?

IF THIS GIRL ACTUALLY ENDS UP
COMING, I WANT YOU TO MEET HER.

NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE NOT GONNA
SASHAY ME AROUND

SO I COULD PLAY THE PART
OF YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND.

NOBODY WOULD EVER SUSPECT
YOU OF BEING MY BEST FRIEND.

YEAH, THAT'S FAIR.
I GOTTA WORK, THOUGH.

IS THIS WHAT OUR RELATIONSHIP
HAS BECOME,

- JUST A SERIES OF EXCUSES?
- SORRY, MAN, I'M BUSY.

YES, 'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO BUSY
MEETING UP WITH DUDES ON GRINDR.

ACTUALLY, THAT PART
TAKES FIVE MINUTES.

- I'M TALKING ABOUT WORK.
- YOU SHOULD JUST FIND A SUGAR DADDY.

WHY DON'T YOU FIND
A SUGAR DADDY?

- EH...
- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA GET BACK
TO WORK.

- ALL RIGHT, LATER.
- I'LL TALK TO YOU.

YOU SERIOUS?

I GUESS YOU'RE FROM HOLLYWOOD.

DID HE BRING THE DRINKS?

- JUST GET OUTTA HERE.
- RELAX.

IT'S NOT LIKE
SHE'S GONNA SUSPECT

YOU'RE BANGING THE PIZZA
DELIVERY BOY.

I'M SERIOUS.
IF YOU COME BACK HERE AGAIN,

I'M GONNA THROW YOU OFF
THIS GODDAMN BALCONY.

THAT'S FUNNY TO YOU?

NO, SORRY, JUST NERVES.

JUST GET ME A NEW ONE.

SEND SOMEBODY ELSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M GETTING
SO INSIDE MY HEAD ABOUT THIS.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GOOGLE IT.

I GOOGLE ALL MY PROBLEMS.

YOU'VE BEEN IN A THREE-MONTH
RELATIONSHIP

ON FACETIME
WITH A GIRL YOU MET ONCE.

THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
THAT'S A MODERN-DAY FAIRYTALE.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU FELL IN LOVE
LAST NIGHT.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I MEAN, I LIKE HER BUT GIVEN
MY TRACK RECORD OF REJECTION,

SHE'LL PROBABLY JUST IGNORE ME.

FOR ALL I KNOW
IT WAS A ONE-NIGHT STAND

AND NOW I'M DRIVING MYSELF
ABSOLUTELY NUTS

JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
IF I SHOULD CALL.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TEXT HER.

- TEXT EMMA? NO, WE GOT THIS...
- TEXTING EMMA.

NO.

NO! NO!

YOU KNOW, IF YOUR FINGERS
ARE FEELING IDLE,

YOU COULD TEXT THAT BEEFCAKE
FROM YESTERDAY.

WHO, WILLIAM? NO.

IF YOU WON'T, I WILL.

BESIDES, YOU DID SAY
THAT HE REMINDED YOU OF...

OH WAIT, HE TEXTED ME.

WHO, BEEFCAKE?

"I MEAN, I WIPE HER BUTT GIVEN
MY TRACK RECORD OF REJECTION.

SHE'LL PROBABLY JUST..."
OH, HE'S CALLING ME NOW. WHAT?

- HELLO?
- HEY.

- DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
- I DID.

I, UH... I'M NOT SURE I FOLLOW.

AH, I WAS JUST... IT'S LIKE PART
OF AN OP-ED PIECE ABOUT MODERN...

IT'S... IT'S STUPID.
JUST IGNORE IT.

IS IT ABOUT US OR...?

UM, NO, JUST, LIKE,
MY EXPERIENCES

WITH DATING IN GENERAL.

ANYWAY, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE WEIRDER
NOT TO CALL YOU AT THIS POINT.

NO, I'M... I'M GLAD THAT YOU DID.

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THE LAMP.

I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE MORE
PERSONAL TO LEAVE A HANDWRITTEN NOTE

INSTEAD OF A TEXT.

YEAH, YOU DID THE BEST
YOU COULD.

I'LL BUY YOU A NEW ONE.

OR I CAN, LIKE, GIVE YOU A GIFT
CARD TO WEST ELM OR SOMETHING.

IT'S... IT'S COOL.

UH, YOU STILL WANNA HELP
WITH THE SHOOT TONIGHT?

YEAH, I DO.

THANK YOU FOR CALLING,
BY THE WAY.

YEAH, THAT'S HOW I DO.

ANYWAY, I'LL TALK
TO YOU LATER, OKAY?

- BYE.
- BYE.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE
I AM SEEING HIM TONIGHT.

OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?

ONE LITTLE PHONE CHAT AND
EVERYTHING'S ALL CLEARED UP.

IT WAS NICE OF HIM TO CALL,
THOUGH.

IT WAS, WASN'T IT?

YOU KNOW, I'M HAVING THIS GUEST
ON TOMORROW NIGHT

THAT CAN'T STOP SOCIAL MEDIA
STALKING ONE OF HER BOYFRIENDS.

- ONE OF?
- IF SHE WOULD JUST PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL,

SHE'D PROBABLY
GET MUCH BETTER ANSWERS

THAN SURMISING HIS EVERY MOVE
OFF OF INSTAGRAM PICS.

SPEAKING OF, WHICH ONE OF YOUR MANY
LOVERS ARE YOU STALKING RIGHT NOW?

NONE.

THERE'S THIS ONE GUY,
ABRAHAM ROSEN.

HE KEEPS TROLLING MY WEBSITE.

SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE
ABOUT INTERNET TROLLS?

AND HE HAS LUNCH
AT THE SAME SPOT EVERY DAY,

- THIS ARMENIAN SPOT UP THE WAY.
- SO?

HE SAID THAT HE WANTED
TO REPORT MY PODCAST

TO THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH SO
THEY COULD CLASSIFY IT AS AN STD.

DAMN.

SO THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE JUST
LIKE EVERY OTHER NIGHT.

OKAY? YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN
MARRIED FOR 50 YEARS,

AND ALL THE LOVE AND THE PASSION
THAT WAS ONCE THERE IS GONE.

SO PRETEND HE'S MY REAL HUSBAND.

- EXACTLY. YEAH.
- I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM, OKAY?

- YEAH, PLEASE. YOU?
- NO.

- WATER?
- OH, NO, NO.

THANK YOU.

SO MY FRIEND SHOULD BE HERE ANY
SECOND WITH THE REPLACEMENT LAMP,

- AND THEN WE'LL RUN A REHEARSAL.
- OKAY.

YOU WANT ME TO BE READING, TOO,

OR SHOULD I BE TRYING TO SLEEP
AND HE'S WAKING ME UP

WITH HIS FAKAKTA LAMP?

UH, I THINK YOU SHOULD
BE READING, TOO.

YEAH, IT'S LIKE A ROUTINE, ONLY
TONIGHT DOESN'T GO AS PLANNED.

- GOTCHA!
- STEF, YOU'RE A LIFE SAVER.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE JUST
LIKE A 30-MINUTE BREAK

AND THEN WE'LL PICK UP
WHERE WE LEFT OFF?

- SURE.
- ALL RIGHT.

30 MINUTES!

- HI!
- THIS IS AMAZING. THANK YOU.

JUST BE CAREFUL WITH HER,
MY AUNT GAVE HER TO ME.

I WILL TREAT HER LIKE
SHE IS MY ONLY CHILD.

UM, THIS IS...
THIS IS EMMA, BY THE WAY,

OUR AMAZING ON-SET PHOTOGRAPHER.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

I'M THE ONE WHO BROKE THE LAMP.

SO, THE BROKEN LAMP CULPRIT.

IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO THIS...

THEN I WILL PAY YOU AND YOUR AUNT
THREE TIMES WHAT IT IS WORTH.

NO, I THINK THEN YOU'LL MAKE
MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

- THREE TIMES MORE FUN.
- IF YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY

ISN'T LIKE MAXIMUM FUN THEN
I HAVE FAILED YOU AS A FRIEND.

I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO COME.

I'M ALREADY COMPETING
WITH CHRISTMAS, NEW YEAR'S.

- WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?
- A LITTLE NITRO BREW.

- CAN I TRY SOME?
- I'M SEEING FRANCIS LATER IF YOU WANNA COME.

MM. HOW MUCH?

NOTHING.
MY CO-WORKER HAS TO WORK LATE.

SHE JUST GAVE ME THE TICKETS.

I'M SO DOWN.

I'M GONNA BUY YOU A T-SHIRT
THIS TIME.

UM, DO YOU HAVE AN EXTRA TICKET?

SHE ONLY GAVE ME TWO,

BUT I'M SURE YOU COULD FIND
A TICKET ON CRAIGSLIST,

- IF YOU WANNA COME.
- YEAH, OR I'LL JUST GIVE YOU MY TICKET

AND THEN I'LL BUY ONE
FROM LIKE A SCALPER OUTSIDE.

OH, THAT'S OKAY. I ACTUALLY HAVE
PLANS WITH MY ROOMMATE TONIGHT,

AND I CAN'T REALLY DITCH HER.
SO...

YOU ALREADY HAVE PLANS?

YEAH.

BUT YOU GUYS GO TO THE CONCERT
AND HAVE FUN.

WE'LL JUST DO SOMETHING
LATER THIS WEEK.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- WHOSE BAG IS THIS?

THIS IS A HOT SET.
WE GOTTA KEEP THIS WHOLE AREA CLEAR.

THAT'S... THAT'S MINE.
I'M SORRY.

- JUST KEEP IT TO THE SIDE.
- HEY, THIS LOOKS REALLY LEGIT.

I KNOW, I'M THE NEXT
SPIKE JONZE.

- CAN I HAVE A SIP?
- OH, OF COURSE.

- YOU GOT A LITTLE... IT BECOMES YOU.
- A LITTLE SOMETHING?

- YEAH.
- OH, WHOA, WHOA!

- NOT FUNNY.
- I'M JUST JOKING.

I'LL BE THE ONE TO CALL
YOUR AUNT WHEN I BREAK A LAMP.

OH, I LOOK FORWARD
TO THAT PHONE CALL.

♪ OH, I'M READY, I'M READY ♪

♪ GOT TO MAKE SURE ♪

♪ EVERYBODY WANTS
TO UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ GO STEADY, GO STEADY ♪

♪ YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY
WHEN THINGS ARE GOING RIGHT ♪

♪ I FEEL SCARED TONIGHT ♪

♪ I'M VERY LONELY,
I'M TIRED ♪

♪ WAITING ON YOU ♪

♪ I TURN OFF THE LIGHTS ♪

♪ SOMEBODY'S WATCHING,
YOU KNOW THEM ♪

♪ COMING FOR YOU ♪

HELLO.

OUT OF BREATH ALREADY, MATE?

STAIRS ARE A HIKE.

IT'S A REALLY NICE PLACE
YOU HAVE.

YEAH, IT'S MY OWN
PRIVATE HAKKASAN.

EVERYONE DRINKS FREE.

SPEAKING OF,
YOU WANT A DRINK?

UH, YEAH, SURE.

YOU GOT ROOMMATES?

YEAH, ONE.

HE'S CRASHING HERE WHILE
HIS OWN PLACE GETS RENOVATED.

- DON'T WORRY, HE'S COOL.
- THANKS.

SO, I TAKE IT YOU'RE
AUSTRALIAN?

YOU TOOK IT CORRECTLY.
AMERICAN?

NATIVE.

WELL, NOT NATIVE AMERICAN...

ALTHOUGH MY MOM SAYS SHE'S
PART NATIVE AMERICAN CHEROKEE...

OR, I DON'T KNOW...

LET'S GO TO MY ROOM.

UH, DOOR OPEN, CLOSED?

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

I GOTTA SAY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY
HOTTER IN PERSON.

SUCKS YOU DON'T LIVE HERE
YEAR ROUND.

YEAH, WELL, I'M HERE OFTEN.

JUST KIND OF DEPENDS
ON WORK.

OH, YEAH, WHAT DO YOU DO
FOR A LIVING?

I AM A DIALECT COACH.

IN THE MIDDLE OF HELPING
SHIA LABEOUF

PREPARE FOR HIS ROLE
AS AN AUSSIE HYPOCHONDRIAC.

- WHAT IS THAT LIKE?
- SAME AS AMERICAN HYPOCHONDRIAC.

NO, I MEAN, WORKING FOR SHIA.

I HEARD HE CAN BE
KIND OF DIFFICULT.

HE'S A MACHINE.
LOOK AT WHAT HE DID TO ME.

- WHAT? WHOA.
- YEAH.

WE WERE JUST ROUGHIN' IT
A BIT.

A LITTLE PLAYFUL.

OKAY, YOU LIKE IT ROUGH.

WELL, I'D BE LYING
IF I SAID

I WASN'T
A LITTLE TURNED ON.

I THINK I WOULD BE, TOO.

OKAY, I CAN'T KEEP THIS UP.

I'M ACTUALLY FROM GLENDALE.

I OWN A YOGURTLAND
IN WEST HOLLYWOOD.

I'M KIDDING.
THIS IS MY REAL VOICE.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE FUNNY AND HOT,

AND YOU'RE NOT A PROSTITUTE
OR A STRIPPER.

OKAY... ARE YOU REAL?

WELL, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.

I'M KIDDING, I'M AN AUSSIE.

WAIT, I NEED A HUG,
I NEED A HUG.

YES, BRING IT IN!

THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR THE TICKET.

OF COURSE, ALL RIGHT,
SEE YOU ON THE 23RD?

YEAH, JUST NEED
TO LOCK IT DOWN

- AND THEN WE'RE GOOD TO GO.
- AMAZING.

- ALL RIGHT.
- GET HOME SAFE.

- YOU BET.
- LOVE YA.

LOVE YA.

HEY, SO THAT DOOR
IS MY MOM'S DOOR.

COME IN THIS WAY.
YOU LOOK GREAT, BY THE WAY.

- THANKS.
- I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE DOOR,

I DON'T HAVE A MOM.

HELLO?

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

- I'M GOOD.
- SWEET.

- I'M SURPRISED...
- I WAS WONDERING...

UH, NO, YOU GO AHEAD.

I WAS JUST GONNA SAY THAT I'M
SURPRISED YOU'RE UP THIS EARLY.

- IT'S ALMOST NOON.
- TRUE, BUT YOU WERE OUT LATE, SO...

WELL, YOU AND I HAD A
LOT TO DRINK THE NIGHT BEFORE

SO I JUST TOOK IT
PRETTY EASY.

HOW WAS THE CONCERT?

IT WAS GOOD, YEAH.
WE LEFT A FEW SONGS EARLY

- JUST TO BEAT THE RUSH.
- I SEE.

- HOW'S THE ROOMMATE?
- WHAT?

YOUR ROOMMATE. WEREN'T YOU GUYS
SUPPOSED TO HANG OUT LAST NIGHT?

OH, YEAH, UM,
SHE BLEW ME OFF LAST SECOND.

OH, REALLY, YOU SHOULD HAVE
CALLED ME.

I WAS HOME BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
WE COULD HAVE HIT UP

THAT WEIRD BACKYARD CANTINA
FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF KARAOKE.

WELL, I WAS, UM...
I WAS WONDERING IF

YOU'D LIKE TO GO OUT ON A SUPER
ROMANTIC SECOND DATE TONIGHT.

- ABSOLUTELY NOT.
- WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- YOU'RE SO WRONG!
- HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT SO DEFINITIVELY?

YOU HAVE AN INVERTED
TRACK PAD.

- DO NOT.
- YES, INVERTED IS AN OPPOSITE,

UPSIDE DOWN.

NO, IF YOU PUT YOUR FINGERS
ON A TRACK PAD, YOU PUSH UP.

LIKE, YOU'RE LITERALLY PUSHING
THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE

IN AN UPWARD DIRECTION.

WHEN I SLIDE MY FINGERS UP
IT MAKES SENSE

THAT THE PAGE WOULD MIRROR
THE UPWARD MOTION.

- THAT'S LOGIC, YES!
- NO, NO!

WHATEVER, YOU KNOW,
YOU CAN SLIDE YOUR FINGERS

WHEREVER YOU WANT,
I DON'T CARE.

CAN I QUOTE YOU ON THAT?

UM, IF YOU USE
AN ANNOTATED BIBLIOGRAPHY.

MLA STYLE.

♪ SHAKE HANDS ALL AROUND ♪

♪ EVERYBODY WANTS TO FIGHT ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE THE PERFECT TARGET
FOR THIS NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU MONSTERS STAYED AT HOME ♪

♪ YOUR NERVES SHOUT,
YOU'RE ALONE ♪

♪ YOUR NERVES SHOUT,
YOU'RE ALONE ♪

♪ IT GOES ON AND ON ♪

♪ SUCCESS HAS BOUGHT A GUN ♪

♪ PICK UP THE TELEPHONE ♪

♪ YOU'VE FOUND THE BEST EXCUSE ♪

♪ IT HAS THE PERFECT USE ♪

♪ SO YOU WAIT FOR THE SUN ♪

♪ TO COME DOWN ♪

♪ SO YOU CAN FEEL
THE SATISFACTION ♪

♪ THE STRANGE REACTION
YOU CAUSE ♪

♪ WITH ALL YOUR TEARS ♪

♪ SHAKE HANDS ALL AROUND ♪

♪ I'M SURE YOU FOUND ♪

♪ A PERFECT
TARGET FOR THIS NIGHT ♪

♪ YOUR MONSTERS STAYED
AT HOME ♪

♪ IT GOES ON AND ON ♪

♪ SUCCESS HAS BOUGHT A GUN ♪

♪ PICK UP THE TELEPHONE ♪

♪ YOU FIND THE BEST EXCUSE ♪

♪ IT HAS A PERFECT USE ♪

♪ SO YOU WAIT FOR THE SUN
TO COME DOWN ♪

♪ SO YOU CAN FEEL... ♪

HI?

THAT'S THE FIRST NICE THING
YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.

DO I KNOW YOU?

"THE WAY YOU GLORIFY INFIDELITY

IS WHY CONGRESS BANNED
ADVERTISING CIGARETTES ON TV.

YOU ARE THE CANCER
OF DATING ADVICE."

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE
YOUR VOICE.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE HATE, MAN?

HOW'D YOU EVEN FIND ME HERE?

YOU GEOTAG EVERY POST.

ARE YOU GONNA HURT ME?

YOU'RE COMING ON MY SHOW.

- WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
- MM-MM, WHY NOT?

TOMORROW NIGHT.
NUMBER'S ON THERE.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA TALK ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW BUT YOU SEEM
TO HAVE A LOT TO SAY.

L.A. IS A MELTING POT
OF BROKEN EGOS

DRIPPING WITH INSECURITY,

ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR THE NEXT TRENDSETTER.

IT'S THE EPICENTER
OF ENTERTAINMENT

SENDING AFTERSHOCKS
OF CULTURE

THROUGHOUT
THE REST OF THE WORLD.

BUT IT'S THE VERY LACK
OF AN IDENTITY

THAT GIVES IT SUCH
A UNIQUE PERSONALITY.

IT TRULY IS A CITY
WHERE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE,

AND SELF-DISCOVERY
IS UNDENIABLY CELEBRATED.

AND OF COURSE,
THE MEXICAN FOOD

IS DAMN NEAR PERFECT.

- IT'S A BIT DARK.
- COME ON!

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT,
YOU KNOW?

LIKE, THE REASON I HATE IT
HERE IS THE SAME REASON

- I LOVE IT HERE.
- NO, I UNDERSTAND.

YOU UNDERSTAND BUT YOU HATE IT.
YOU HATE IT.

LOOK, I THINK YOU'RE
A FANTASTIC WRITER.

YOU'RE ARTICULATE,
YOU'RE FUNNY, YOU'RE ELOQUENT.

IT'S JUST... MOST PEOPLE
WHO READ A TRAVEL BLOG

DON'T WANT TO HEAR A PHILOSOPHICAL
ANALYSIS OF THE CULTURE.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE NICHE.

THEY WANNA KNOW THE QUICKEST WAY
TO GET TO THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN,

WHERE TO BUY CHEAP COCKTAILS.

HEY...

NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THERE IS A REALLY GOOD CHANCE
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL

- I'M TALKING ABOUT.
- NO.

I ONLY READ TRAVEL BLOGS
TO FIND THE NEAREST ALLEYWAY

TO GET A HAND JOB.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- NO, NOT SINCE GRINDR.

WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE GRINDR?

CRAIGSLIST.

OH, GROSS.

ARE PEOPLE IN SYDNEY MORE OPEN
THAN THEY ARE IN THE STATES?

NO, DEFINITELY NOT MORE
THAN L.A.

HM.

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY
NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY BEFORE?

A TRAVEL WRITER WHO HASN'T
LEFT THE COUNTRY?

YEAH, THE IRONY IS NOT
LOST ON ME, BELIEVE ME.

- DUDE!
- IT'S HARD WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE MONEY, YOU KNOW?

IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN ANSWER.

YEAH.

HEY, MAN.

- GREGORY.
- HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

UH, YOU FREE SATURDAY?

UH, I THINK SO.
WHY?

I'M THROWING A PARTY
FOR STEF'S 30TH,

- YOU SHOULD COME.
- YEAH, YEAH, OKAY,

- IF I'M NOT WORKING.
- ALSO, SHOT IN THE DARK,

BUT DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYBODY
WITH A BIG HOUSE AND A POOL?

- UH, WHY?
- TO THROW THE SAID PARTY.

I CAN ASK AROUND,
BUT NO GUARANTEES.

HAVE IT HERE.

I'M ALREADY HOSTING ONE
ON SATURDAY.

WHO'S THAT?

SOMEONE JUST OFFERING
THEIR HOUSE IN THE HILLS.

- BE POLITE.
- WOW, SERIOUSLY?

- IS IT NICE?
- UH, YEAH, IT'S PRETTY NICE.

- THERE'S ONLY ONE CATCH.
- HERE.

- YELLO.
- HELLO?

SO THE ONLY CATCH IS
IT'S A CYNDI LAUPER-FEST.

SPECIFICALLY CYNDI LAUPER?

- I'LL ALLOW ANYTHING '80S.
- DONE.

- THERE YOU, OKAY?
- WHO WAS THAT?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SOUND
LIKE YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING?

I'M NOT UP TO ANYTHING, OKAY?

OH... YOU GUYS ARE HOOKING UP.

- NO, ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING.
- GREGORY. GRE...

WE LOCKED THE HOUSE.

OH, MY GOD. DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD GET, LIKE, A DJ,

OR SHOULD I JUST PLAY, LIKE,
MUSIC FROM MY IPOD?

WHAT KIND OF PARTY IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW, HE SAID
SOMETHING ABOUT CYNDI LAUPER.

NO, I MEAN IS IT
MORE LIKE A LAID BACK

CHILLING WITH FRIENDS VIBE?

OR MORE OF A CRAZY,
LOUD, DANCE PARTY THING?

I MEAN, IT DEPENDS ON
WHAT YOU CONSIDER LAID BACK.

WHERE I'M FROM IT'S FIVE DEGREES
OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW.

TO ME, EVERYTHING OUT HERE
IS LAID BACK.

YOU'RE NOT MUCH
OF A PARTIER?

NO, IT'S NOT THAT,
IT'S JUST, I'M NOT TOO KEEN

ON THE IDEA OF, LIKE,
DRUNK FRAT GUYS

JUMPING INTO POOLS AND DOING
LINES OF COCAINE, SO...

WELL, MOST PEOPLE ARE GOING
TO BE IN THEIR 30S.

I DOUBT IT'S GONNA BE
SOME RAUCOUS ANIMAL HOUSE.

- YOU GO.
- AS IN WITHOUT YOU? I CAN'T DO THAT.

I JUST... I DON'T WANT TO
RUIN YOUR TIME

AND IT'S REALLY NOT MY SCENE.

NO, NO, I'M NOT GONNA HAVE
A GOOD TIME IF YOU DON'T GO.

LOOK, WE'LL JUST STOP BY
FOR, LIKE, A DRINK

AND THEN...
WE'LL STEP INTO THE POOL.

I'LL EVEN HIRE A LIFEGUARD
SO PEOPLE DON'T JUMP IN.

LOOK, IF IT WEREN'T
STEF'S BIRTHDAY

THEN I WOULDN'T EVEN
WANT TO GO.

I'D WANT TO STAY AT HOME
WITH YOU

AND BAKE NÉSTLE TOLL HOUSE
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES,

WATCH A MOVIE,
AND CUDDLE UNDER A BLANKET.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST
THAT I PROMISED HER

LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO
THAT I WOULD DO THIS

AND I'VE ALREADY SPENT
SO MUCH TIME INVITING EVERYBODY.

I CAN'T NOT GO, IT'D BE
MAD AWKWARD AT THIS POINT.

SO YOU GUYS ARE, LIKE,
REALLY CLOSE, HUH?

I MEAN, SHE'S THE ONLY FRIEND
I HAVE THAT LIKES TO GO OUT.

WHERE DOES ALL THIS ENERGY
COME FROM?

- THIS? THIS ENERGY?
- YEAH...

- IS IT TOO MUCH?
- SOMETIMES.

YOU SEE THIS NOSE?

SEE HOW IT'S NOT NORMAL?

- NO.
- WELL, WHEN I WAS SIX,

I RAN FACE FIRST
INTO A BRICK FIREPLACE

AFTER HAVING A PIXIE STICK.

I WAS A VERY HYPERACTIVE CHILD.

GOT IT.

I'M HAPPY HE FOUND SOMEONE.

ME TOO.

THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER
FOR LIKE TWO WEEKS EVERY DAY.

THEY'RE LIVING OUR FANTASY.

HE DESERVES IT.

I'M JUST HAPPY I HAVE YOU.

THAT REMINDS ME, ACTUALLY,

I DIDN'T GET YOUR FLIGHT
ITINERARY,

SO I WAS WONDERING,
I DON'T KNOW,

MAYBE IT WENT TO SPAM, OR...

I WAS GONNA TELL YOU,
THERE'S BEEN A MINOR CHANGE.

IN TIME?

MORE LIKE DAY?

ARE WE OKAY, SOPHIE?

I ONLY ASK, I MEAN,
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE NEEDY OR ANYTHING,

IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE
A TENDENCY TO OVERTHINK THINGS

AND MAYBE THAT WAS A MOMENT
THAT I OVERTHOUGHT,

AND I JUST... I DON'T
WANT TO SCARE YOU OFF.

I REALLY...

WAIT...

I LOVE YOU, TOO, DAVEY.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T SAY IT
SOONER, I JUST FROZE.

♪ I CAN WAIT,
I CAN WAIT BUT PLEASE ♪

♪ DON'T WASTE MY TIME ♪

♪ DON'T THROW AWAY THE KEY ♪

♪ I LIKE IT HERE... ♪

UGH. YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?
COME ON.

HELLO?

HI, YES, THE KEY
IS IN THE MAILBOX.

THE ONLY MAILBOX.

THE BLACK MAILBOX
ON THE FRONT PORCH.

YES, I CAN BE THERE
IN 15 MINUTES.

EMMA, DO WE STILL
HAVE THAT BOTTLE OF WINE,

THE REALLY OLD ONE
THAT'S BASICALLY VINEGAR NOW?

UH, YES, AGAIN,
I'M SO, SO SORRY.

I WILL GET THERE AS SOON
AS I CAN, JUST HOLD TIGHT, OKAY?

OKAY, BYE.

YEAH, IT'S IN THE FRIDGE
SOMEWHERE, WHY?

I'M HAVING COMPANY TONIGHT.

NOT THE INTERNET TROLL.

YEAH. EITHER HE CAN
PLAY NICE,

AND HE GET DOWN
ON THIS 2013 RED BORDEAUX

I BOUGHT FOR MY DATE
WITH RON,

OR, IF HE'S A DICK,

THEN HE GETS
THAT VINEGAR WINE SWILL.

THE CHOICE IS HIS.

WOW.

I LIKE THE SWEATER, BY THE WAY.
VERY MR. ROGERS.

MY GIRLFRIEND GAVE IT TO ME.

CUTE. ALL RIGHT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I AM HERE
WITH @ABRAHAMROSEN,

A FOODIE AND INTERNET TROLL.

NOW, ABE, ON MY LAST POST,
YOU COMMENTED, AND I QUOTE,

"YOUR FORAY INTO OPEN LOVE

IS AS DOOMED AS
THE 'LOST' FINALE."

NOW, I'M AN ADULT,
AND I CAN TAKE A JOKE,

EVEN SOME CRITICISM,
BUT THIS IS JUST ONE OF SEVERAL,

SEVERAL ATTACKS ON ME.

YOU DON'T WANT TO ADMIT
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?

I HAVE A PROBLEM?

I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE DO,

YOU'RE JUST VERY PUBLIC
ABOUT IT.

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

YOU CAN'T COMMIT.

INSTEAD OF WORKING ON THAT,

YOU CAME UP WITH A VERY
EASY WAY TO JUSTIFY IT.

DUDE, I NEVER SAID POLY
WAS FOR EVERYONE, OKAY?

THE SAME WAY THAT YOU CAN LOVE
MORE THAN ONE BOOK,

OR ONE MOVIE, I CAN LOVE
MORE THAN ONE PERSON.

I MEAN, THAT'S THE PROBLEM
WITH YOUR SHOW RIGHT THERE.

YOU JUST COMPARED LOVE
AND HUMAN CONNECTION

TO FORMS OF ENTERTAINMENT.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT HUMAN CONNECTION?

YOU HIDE BEHIND YOUR COMPUTER.

YOU'RE THE ONE WITH AN AUDIENCE

AND YOU MAKE INFIDELITY SOUND
LIKE A NATURAL, NORMAL THING.

GUESS WHAT, BUDDY?
YOUR LAST COMMENT

GOT OVER 800 LIKES,
SO LIKE IT OR NOT,

YOU ALSO HAVE AN AUDIENCE.

LOOK, INFIDELITY IS WRONG.

WE CAN BOTH AGREE ON THAT,
RIGHT?

BUT CHEATING ON SOMEONE
AND LOVING MULTIPLE PARTNERS

ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE JUST
NOT SPREADING YOUR LOVE THIN?

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU CAN
MEASURE LOVE?

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE FINALLY
PENETRATING EACH OTHER.

SORRY! I'M SORRY.
IT'S STILL LOCKED?

NO, I'VE BEEN VOLUNTARILY
SITTING OUTSIDE FOR TWO HOURS.

OKAY, I APOLOGIZE.
I'M GONNA GET A KEY MADE FOR YOU

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING,
OKAY?

- HELLO.
- EMMA.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

HAVE YOU LEFT YET?

UH, NO, I ACTUALLY HAD
A WORK EMERGENCY, SO...

OH, NO, UM,
CAN I ASK YOU A FAVOR?

OKAY.

IF YOU CAN'T DO IT,
NO WORRIES,

I'LL ASK SOMEBODY ELSE,
NOT A BIG DEAL.

JUST LET ME KNOW
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

- WHAT?
- YEAH, THERE SHOULD BE SOME IN THE KITCHEN.

HELP YOURSELF.

- YOU GOT A...
- UH, WE SHOULD HAVE ONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL FIND IT.
I'LL BRING IT TO YOUR ROOM.

- SORRY...
- OH, I'M GONNA HAVE SOME GUESTS, ONE OR TWO,

- IF THAT'S OKAY.
- THAT'S ACTUALLY 10 EXTRA DOLLARS

- FOR EXTRA GUESTS, SORRY.
- OH, YEAH, SURE, SURE, SURE, YEAH,

LET'S SEE, UH...

- REALLY? REALLY?
- YOU LOVE IT.

YEAH, YEAH, I LOVE IT.

HI, UH, SORRY, SORRY.

WHAT'S UP?

SO, APPARENTLY,
THE PIÑATA THAT I ORDERED

HAS A MASSIVE CRACK IN IT

AND UPON FURTHER INVESTIGATION,
ALL THE CANDY INSIDE

IS NUT-BASED, WHICH STEF
IS DEFINITELY ALLERGIC TO

SO I ORDERED A LAST-MINUTE
ONE FROM THE STORE.

I JUST NEED SOMEBODY
TO PICK IT UP.

- YEAH, I CAN DO THAT.
- AND IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY,

IT'S ACROSS THE STREET
FROM YOUR HOUSE IN HOLLYWOOD

- SO HOPEFULLY...
- YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW WHERE IT IS.

I'M ACTUALLY THERE
RIGHT NOW, SO THAT WORKS.

YOU'RE AMAZING, THANK YOU.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

LIKEWISE, I'LL, UH,
SEE YOU SOON.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
CHEATED ON?

BY?

I ASSUME FROM YOUR UNINFORMED
AVERSION TO POLYAMORY

THAT YOU'VE HAD A RUN IN
WITH INFIDELITY?

IF IT'S A PODCAST, YOU HAVE TO
ACTUALLY ANSWER INTO THE...

YEAH, YEAH...

I'M SORRY.
SO WHAT MADE YOU COME HERE?

YOU MEAN BESIDES THE FACT
THAT YOU KIND OF STALKED ME?

THAT'S THE INVESTIGATIVE
JOURNALIST IN ME,

AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH
STALKERS OF MY OWN

THAT I KNOW HOW TO REVERSE
ENGINEER THE WHOLE PROCESS.

DID I JUST MAKE YOU LAUGH?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
I JUST MADE ABE ROSEN LAUGH!

LOOK, I KNOW YOU WERE
JUDGING ME BEFORE

BY THE INFORMATION
THAT I CHOOSE TO PUT OUT THERE

TO MY LISTENERS,
AND YOU WANTED TO...

DRIVE A SPEAR THROUGH
MY SKULL.

BUT, NOW THAT WE'VE MET,

AM I REALLY THE ANTICHRIST
THAT YOU ENVISIONED?

YOU WOULD MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU.

- BITCH, IT'S MY PODCAST.
- FAIR ENOUGH.

LOOK, THIS IS ALL ABOUT
A CHANGE IN PERSPECTIVE.

AT LEAST YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU WANT.

THERE'S NOTHING SEXIER
THAN A CONFIDENT MAN

THAT KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS.

I KNOW I DON'T WANT
THIS SWEATER ANYMORE.

IT IS GROSS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
SCREW IT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ABE IS DISROBING?

- FEEL BETTER?
- I DO.

HEY!

OH, COME ON, I'M LEAVING,
I'M LEAVING RIGHT THIS SECOND, I SWEAR.

YOU'RE PARKED
IN A LOADING ZONE.

WHAT, DO YOU WORK
ALL OF SILVERLAKE OR SOMETHING?

WE HAVE A LOT OF OFFICERS
ON DUTY.

LOOK, I WAS JUST GOING IN
TO PICK SOMETHING UP, OKAY?

I'M GONNA LEAVE RIGHT
THIS SECOND, I SWEAR.

COME ON. NOW IS JUST NOT
JUST A GOOD TIME FOR ME.

I CAN BARELY AFFORD THE TICKET
YOU GAVE ME LAST TIME...

OKAY, OKAY!

REALLY?

DO ME A FAVOR.
PUT YOURSELF IN MY POSITION.

YOU'VE BEEN ON THIS JOB
20 YEARS.

PEOPLE ALWAYS CURSING
IN YOUR FACE,

THREATENING THE SAFETY
OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

DO YOU THINK THAT PRIMES
YOUR MOOD TO GIVE OUT FAVORS?

NO, DEFINITELY NOT.

THEN HOPEFULLY NEXT TIME YOU
WON'T THINK OF ME AND MY PEOPLE

AS SOME SORT OF
ARCHETYPAL MONSTER.

I AM A WELL-SPOKEN MAN.
I HAVE FEELINGS

AND A SENSE OF HUMOR.

YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
UNDERSTANDING, SERIOUSLY.

WELL, YOU'VE BEEN HERE
SIX MINUTES

SO I HAVE TO GIVE YOU
THIS TICKET.

WHAT? I WAS STANDING HERE
TALKING TO YOU, YOU PSYCHO!

ARE YOU
FREAKING SERIOUS?

NO WONDER PEOPLE
THREATEN YOUR FAMILY.

I'M JOKING. I WAS DEMONSTRATING
MY SENSE OF HUMOR.

OH...
I'LL MOVE.

GOD, I HATE THAT LITTLE BITCH.

♪ TURN IT UP,
SO EVERYBODY KNOWS ♪

♪ THAT I GOT THE GOOD THING ♪

♪ I'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT GOES ♪

SERIOUSLY, I AM OFF
OF ALKALINE WATER.

I HAD A BAD TRIP LAST TIME
I DRANK IT.

HOW DO YOU REGULATE
YOUR PH?

I'VE TOTALLY
DONE WITHOUT CAFFEINE,

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF

MY GRASS-FED BUTTER COFFEE
REGIMEN, OF COURSE.

- OF COURSE.
- NATURALLY.

SOMETIMES, THEY ADD
AN EXTRA SYLLABLE.

LIKE, INSTEAD OF "GIRL,"
THEY'D SAY "GETAL."

INSTEAD OF "PEARL,"
THEY SAY "PETAL."

"I GAVE THE GETAL A PETAL."

- WHAT ABOUT JAPANESE?
- OOH, BRO, IT'S HARD TO DO AN ASIAN ACCENT

WITHOUT COMING OFF
AS A RACIST.

YEAH, PLEASE DON'T DO IT.
DON'T DO IT.

I MEAN, BRITISH, OKAY.
ENGLISH, GREAT.

I COULD EVEN DO A YIDDISH RABBI.

JAPANESE, I'M A BIGOT.

THIS IS GREAT PARTY.

FULL OF LOTS OF STRAIGHT
WHITE PEOPLE.

- OH, NO! NO...
- I FEEL LIKE I JUST MISSED THE SHOW.

- HI.
- PERFECT TIMING.

NO, HE'S MAKING AN ASS
OUT OF HIMSELF.

EVERYBODY, THE BIRTHDAY GIRL
HAS "ARRIVEN."

HEY! BIRTHDAY GIRL!
WELCOME!

- THANK YOU!
- TELL HER HOW YOUNG SHE LOOKS

AND FIND HER A CUTE GUY
TO TALK TO.

DOES HE HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- I AM SO SORRY!
- IT'S OKAY...

- YOU WANT ME TO...
- NO, IT'S FINE. YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S OKAY.

- GUESS WHO?
- I HAVE NO IDEA.

DANG, YOU'RE DOING WORK
IN THAT BODYSUIT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU KNOW, JUST ANOTHER DAY
AT THE SALT MINES.

BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE,

I MIGHT HAVE TO CLOCK OUT.

HOLY SHIT, I JUST REALIZED
THIS IS AN '80S PARTY.

HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.

THAT'S... SOMETHING.

YEAH. HEY, HOW CRAZY IS THAT
WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER HERE?

I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?

TOTALLY LIKE SERENITY,
YOU KNOW?

YOU WANNA DO A SHOT?

YEAH. YES, I DO.

ALL RIGHT,
TELL ME WHAT IT IS.

WELL,
HOPEFULLY SHE'S HERE SOON,

I CALLED HER LIKE
AN HOUR AGO.

- GIVE ME A HINT.
- ALL RIGHT,

IT'S SOMETHING YOU'RE GONNA
WANT TO PUNCH

AND IT'S MEXICAN.

- GEORGE LOPEZ?
- YES!

- UH, FLIP CUP.
- FLIP CUP?

WHOA, YOU TAKE NO PRISONERS.

- HERE.
- OKAY.

HEY. I HAVE SOME OF THAT
BLUE SHIT IN MY BACKPACK IF...

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE
CONDESCENDING,

BUT THAT BLUE SHIT
IS ACTUALLY BLUE CURACAO,

WHICH IS NOT A LIQUOR,
IT'S A LIQUEUR

WHICH IS DIFFERENT.

LIQUOR AND LIQUEUR
ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

OKAY, WELL, WHATEVER IT IS,

IT DEFINITELY MAKES ME FEEL
ADEQUATELY INTOXICATED.

YEAH, I LIKE YOU
FOR SEEING IT THAT WAY.

COME ON, LET'S GO OUTSIDE.

COME ON, GIRL. COME ON,

MAKE ME PROUD.
COME ON, GIRL.

- OH!
- OH! WHAT!

OH, MY GOD!

I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE,

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST GONNA START
GOING UP TO RANDOS AND JUST LIKE...

EMMA! HEY! HEY.

OH, MY GOD, ADAM.

UM, I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO CALL YOU.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN HERE?

OH, WERE YOU REALLY?

YEAH, RECEPTION'S TERRIBLE
THOUGH.

UM, DID YOU GET
THE PIÑATA?

YEAH, IT'S OVER THERE
BLEEDING TWIZZLERS ON THE FLOOR.

WHAT?

YEAH, I SAW IT. ONE OF MY
CLIENTS KIND OF KARATE-CHOPPED IT

WITH HIS KNEE.

OH.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

PSH, YEAH, SO GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST
OUT RUNNING ERRANDS FOR YOU

AND IT'S NICE
THAT WHEN I WALK IN,

I SEE THE TWO OF YOU
JUST LAUGHING YOUR ASSES OFF

- HAVING A GREAT TIME.
- "THE TWO OF" WHO?

I HARDLY KNOW ANYBODY HERE.

OH, COME ON ADAM.
ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE
UNTIL JUST NOW.

AND I WOULD HAVE HELPED
WITH THE PIÑATA,

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

I WAS OUT GETTING
THE PERFECT PIÑATA

FOR YOUR LITTLE FRIEND
WHO YOU JUST HAD TO THROW

THIS HUGE PARTY FOR

AND YOU JUST HAD TO TELL ME
TO COME

EVEN THOUGH I TOLD POINT-BLANK
THAT I WAS NOT COMFORTABLE.

ALL RIGHT, EMMA...

NO! WOULD YOU JUST SCREW HER ALREADY
AND GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM?

OKAY, 'CAUSE I CAN FEEL IT IN MY
BONES THAT YOU WANT HER, OKAY?

AND I CAN'T STAND DATING YOU AND,
LIKE, LIVING WITH THIS SEED OF FEAR

WONDERING WHEN IS IT GONNA
HAPPEN? WHEN IS IT GONNA...

HEY, IS MY SURPRISE
HERE YET?

CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE
IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION?

BOTH OF YOU, PLEASE JUST
CALM DOWN FOR A SECOND.

TELL YOUR FRIEND
TO TAKE A XANAX.

OH!

- OW!
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

♪ YOU COULD HAVE IT ALL,
YOU COULD HAVE IT ALL ♪

AH, SHE'S AN ABSOLUTE PSYCHO.

EVEN AT THE FILM SHOOT
I GOT BAD VIBES.

RIGHT WHEN I HANDED YOU
THE LAMP,

SHE GOT ALL COLD
AND DEFENSIVE.

I DIDN'T PICK UP
ON ANY OF THAT.

HERE, HOLD THIS TO YOUR NOSE.

IT'S A BEER
AND AN ICE PACK IN ONE.

DRINK THE BEER,
HOLD IT TO YOUR NOSE.

BEER, NOSE, BEER, NOSE.

BEER, NOSE.

ARE YOU CALLING HER?

- SHOULD I NOT CALL?
- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR HEAD BACK.
- I AM.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF IT FEELS ALL CROOKED,

YOU GOTTA FIND YOURSELF
A REALLY GOOD RHINOPLASTER.

I'M NOT GONNA NEED
A NOSE JOB.

HONESTLY, IT DOESN'T EVEN
HURT THAT BAD.

I'M JUST BEING
KIND OF DRAMATIC.

HEY, THIS IS ADAM HART.
SO SORRY I MISSED YOU.

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE
AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

THANKS.

WAKEY, WAKEY.

- JESUS CHRIST.
- GOT YOU SOME BREKKIE, MATE.

MAN, COME ON.

I HAVE SOME FRUIT,
SOME COFFEE,

AND A QUARTER OF
A CHOCOLATE DONUT.

I WANNA GO BACK TO SLEEP.

BUT IT'S MY LAST DAY.

WHAT?

YEAH, I GOT A JOB
ON A SHOW IN BRITAIN,

JUST FOR A COUPLE
OF WEEKS.

OKAY.

IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.

IT WAS A DRUNKEN DECISION,
BUT I USED A PORTION

OF MY SKY MILES AND I BOUGHT YOU
A TICKET TO COME WITH ME.

- WHAT?
- YOU'VE NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY, MATE.

I CAN'T HAVE THAT.

AND, IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO USE THEM,

I'LL JUST PAWN THEM.

GAY!

GAY!

YOU WANT MY ROBE
ON OR OFF?

UM... WHATEVER'S MORE
COMFORTABLE FOR YOU.

I JUST DON'T WANT MY TITS
HANGING OUT.

I DON'T WANT THAT EITHER.

- HEY, MAN.
- HEY.

SOPHIE AND I ARE DOING
AN ESCAPE ROOM TODAY,

YOU INTERESTED?

- EH...
- IT'LL BE REALLY FUN.

THEY LOCK YOU IN
A SMALL ROOM

AND YOU CAN'T LEAVE
UNTIL YOU SOLVE THE PUZZLES.

- I'M OKAY.
- YOU SURE?

I'LL GET YOU AN ICE CREAM CONE.

- THAT'S VERY SWEET.
- GOOD ONE.

HEY, YOU KNOW,
YOU SHOULDN'T SIT THERE TOO LONG.

IT'S NOT HEALTHY.
JUST GET UP, DO SOMETHING.

- NO, I WILL.
- YEAH?

- OH, I'M SO SORRY.
- I'M SORRY.

SORRY.

THAT'S WHY YOU SUCK AT LOVE.

NAH, I'M KIDDING, IT WAS ME.

DID YOU THINK IT WAS THE DOG?

OH, MAN, THANK GOD
YOUR LOVE LIFE SUCKS.

OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE,

BOOSTING MY VIEWERSHIP
AND PERPETUATING

MY DEPENDENCY ON YOUR APPROVAL

IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN
SOME SEMBLANCE OF AN EGO.

I NEED THIS.

I AM GONNA TELL YOU
WHY YOU SUCK AT LOVE.

AFTER ALL, I'M AN EXPERT.

FIRST OF ALL, STOP COMPLAINING
ABOUT HOW HARD DATING IS

FOR YOUR GENERATION.
IT'S HARD FOR EVERYBODY, ALL RIGHT?

IF YOU'VE GOT ONE MORE NEGATIVE
THING TO SAY ABOUT MILLENNIALS,

THEN GO BITCH ABOUT IT
IN THE COMMENTS SECTION

SO EVERY OTHER PRIVILEGED
ASSHOLE CAN GET

THE SAME SATISFACTION
THAT I'M GETTING RIGHT NOW.

EVERY TIME YOU CRASH AND BURN,

IT PUTS YOU ONE STEP
CLOSER TO CONVINCING YOURSELF

THAT THERE'S A PROBLEM
WITH THE WORLD,

NOT A PROBLEM WITH YOU.

OOH, I JUST WENT
SLAM POETRY ON YOU.

NORMALLY I WEAR A BERET WHEN
I DROP TRUTH BOMBS LIKE THAT,

BUT IT'S IN THE WASH.

HELLO?

"OH, THERE'S TOO MANY OPTIONS.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO FIND SOMEONE

WHEN STATISTICALLY
THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SOMEONE

BETTER FOR ME OUT THERE?

TINDER'S SO SUPERFICIAL.
IT'S ALL BASED OFF OF LOOKS."

OH, YOU'RE NOT A FAN
OF OPTIONS?

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO IDAHO,
WHERE THE POPULATION

IS HALF AS DENSE
AND A FOUR IS A TEN?

WELL, THEN TURN THE WATER OFF.

OKAY, I'LL BE THERE IN TEN.

DATING HAS ALWAYS BEEN HARD,

EXCEPT NOW WE LIVE IN A TIME

WHERE THERE'S ALL THESE FANCY,
NEW-FANGLED GADGETS

THAT MAKE FINDING
THE PERFECT MATE

EASIER THAN BREATHING.

COMMUNICATION IS KING.

OR SHOULD I SAY COMMUNICATION
IS A NON-GENDER SPECIFIC,

NON-BINARY... I DON'T KNOW
THE FULL TERMINOLOGY.

JUST KNOW THAT
I'M ON YOUR SIDE.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
IT'S TOUGH FOR YOU

TO TAKE THE INFORMATION
THAT'S IN HERE,

AND TURKEY BASTE IT
INTO SOMEBODY ELSE'S BRAIN.

NOWADAYS IT'S SO EASY
TO GHOST PEOPLE

AND AVOID CONFRONTATION
ALTOGETHER.

BUT MY ADVICE TO YOU
WOULD BE TO JUST STOP HIDING

AND GO OUT AND HAVE
A CONVERSATION.

WE ALL WANT THE SAME THING,
LOVE, CONNECTION.

AND A LESSON ABOUT LIFE
THAT DOESN'T SOUND SO PREACHY.

SO HEAR ME WHEN I SAY THIS:

DATING IS MEANT
TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

SO BE THAT HAPPY PERSON
FOR SOMEBODY ELSE

AND I PROMISE,
YOU'LL STOP SUCKING AT LOVE.

BE GOOD TO EACH OTHER,

AND, UM...

MAYBE WE CAN DO THIS AGAIN
SOMETIME.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

♪ SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW ♪

♪ WHEN I LOST TRACK OF TIME ♪

♪ OF TIME ♪

♪ THE LONGEST SUMMER
FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES ♪

♪ MY EYES ♪

♪ OPEN THE DOOR,
KNEES ON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ FACING THE GROUND ♪

♪ PLEASURE'S A TOY,
IT'S HARD TO DESTROY ♪

♪ IT WON'T MAKE A SOUND ♪

♪ PLEASE CALL ME BACK,
PLEASE CALL ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M LOSING TRACK ♪

♪ NO, IT WON'T STOP ♪

♪ PLEASE CALL ME BACK,
PLEASE CALL ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M LOSING TRACK ♪

♪ NO, I WON'T STOP ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW ♪

♪ I BECAME A SPY ♪

♪ A SPY ♪

♪ STARING AT THE GUTTER
AND NOT THE SKY ♪

♪ THE SKY ♪

♪ OPEN THE DOOR,
KNEES ON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ FACING THE GROUND ♪

♪ PLEASURE'S A TOY,
IT'S HARD TO DESTROY ♪

♪ IT WON'T MAKE A SOUND ♪

♪ PLEASE CALL ME BACK,
PLEASE CALL ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M LOSING TRACK ♪

♪ NO, IT WON'T STOP ♪

♪ PLEASE CALL ME BACK,
PLEASE CALL ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M LOSING TRACK ♪

♪ NO, I WON'T STOP ♪

♪ PLEASE CALL ME BACK,
PLEASE CALL ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M LOSING TRACK ♪

♪ NO, IT WON'T STOP ♪

♪ PLEASE CALL ME BACK,
PLEASE CALL ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M LOSING TRACK ♪

♪ NO, I WON'T STOP ♪