El Revenge (2016) - full transcript

Two friends hit the road to Buenos Aires aboard an orange Opala 72, with a mission: be with as many women as possible. This is all a plan to wash the honor of "Caco", a man who found his girlfriend in bed with an Argentine.



What a shitty jump!

What a loser, Justine! Come on!

I want to end this take
and have lunch!


- What the fuck was that?
- Not that great?

Not that great? It was pitiful!

Vadão, what's up with that?

I have 15 minutes
to end this and have lunch!

- I'll give you one more jump!
- One jump. And it'll work.

One good jump.
Or I will be the one falling from there!

Then we may take a great shot
of your jump.

- Relax, okay?
- Cool.

I'm sorry.

Come on, folks,
let's do it all again!

- I'll be awesome now.
- Gimme the clothes.

- What?
- Gimme, I'll do it.

No, I...

Did you notice the PMS?
We only have one jump.

- I'll make it, I swear.
- You're not focused...

Can you handle it?
No, so gimme the clothes.

- I was gonna make it.
- Ok, next month you make it.

Surprise her?

When a woman says
she wants to talk,

you have to flee,
vanish, disappear...

You're too immature...

Did she say, "Caco, I need
to talk to you about wedding?"

No, she wanted to talk.

But this is Julia...
she never says it straight.

Next time I see her,
if I'm not in a tuxedo

with the wedding invitations,
she'll scream at me,

"You didn't get what I was
saying, you don't see me..."

- Pretend you didn't read it.
- I don't want to.

It's time to move forward.

I have to be a man, wash
the dishes once in a lifetime,

make the bed,
clean the living room...

We can't live the whole life
in a yellow Opala

trying to score girls
and thinking that life is this.

Life is this!

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

I'm here with the car running,
just in case,

- we can get away in a sec.
- Ok.

At least I'll be
your best man, right?

- You'll be with me at the altar.
- Cool...

Hi, how are you?




Stop it.

What are you doing here?
Don't you knock?

This is my working space!


Fuck, we should have talked...


Yeah, you need to talk,
but these things pass...

- We're adults here.
- Fuck...

Wait, wait...

- Don't be rude, she said she's sorry...
- Caco.

It's alright, Julia...

I can't explain
What I feel about you

I can't, I can't, I can't...

I just know...

- Let's go.
- Why are you sad? She said yes?

Let's go, please, fast!

An Argentine!

La Vingança
- Decime qué se siente. La venganza / El Revenge -


Open the door, Caco!

I know you're all weepy.
Open up!

I'll force it open!


What's this, Vadão?

Good question, what's this?

What is it, huh?

- What's this?
- Don't eat that, it's old.

And what's this? This anal face?

Good thing I came,
this is disgusting...

You were about to write a poem,
if I came 5 minutes later...

you'd post an Edgar Allan Poe
quote on Facebook.

- So... what do you want to do?
- Sleep.

You want to sleep?

Don't you want to read
a Paulo Coelho's book?

No, I want to be alone.

- Do you want me to leave?
- Yeah.

Ok, I'll go.
But you're coming with me.

Put on happy clothes.

Very happy clothes
'cause we're going out.

- Are you eating?
- I don't want it...

So let's go.

Messi is like that.
Not that, but kind of...

He is programmed to do
just one thing.

He is awesome in that,
but it's just that.

Ask him to park a car...

He can't, someone
will do it for him.

Ask him about
the multiplication table.

Have you ever seen him
multiplying numbers?

- I've never seen Messi multiplying.
- Because he probably can't.

Or else there'd be an ad
of him doing it,

with children laughing...

and he'd ask you
to open a bank account.

Can you see
the level of manipulation?

- No, I can't.
- That's what I'm saying.

There's always
a little scheme, a plan B.

Every world cup
they mess things up.

Maradona dopes Branco...

Then Maradona dopes himself...

They never won the Cup
after anti-doping was invented.




And that pope came in
after the mess with the other,

no one did
an anti-doping test on him,

he may be hallucinating
and we don't know...

- What have I done wrong, Vadão?
- Nothing.

I'm a genuinely nice guy.

I'm a dedicated boyfriend,
I'm a good guy!

You're a nice guy.

Yeah, don't ever let anyone say
you're not a nice guy! You are!

- And he's what?
- A stuck up asshole!

- Asshole with a lot of restaurants.
- Dumbass...

You're a stunt!
A cuckold but a stunt!

There are very few
cuckold stunts in the world...

You capsize a car on fire!

You fall off a cliff...

The guy fries a steak
and everybody loves him.

What is this world
we're living in? It's wrong!

So what that he's got a little
restaurant in Buenos Aires...

and New York, ok...

and in Paris...

Graduated in Cordon Bleu...

Fuck him...

He's got some awards...

top 5 franchises according to
Time magazine, a millionaire...

- He's the host of "Pop Chef"...
- Ok, right, he is!

- You're a very nice guy!
- I'm a nice guy!

I'm a guy with principles,
I think of the others.

I don't go to Argentine
to hit on her girlfriend!

Why do they have
to come here, take a plane,

then a taxi to hit on
our girlfriends?

The right thing would be...

Brazilians there
making out with their girls.


Even better, their girls here
making out with us.

Or their girls with ours,

we would film a home video,
the world would be a big party.

The right thing would be
to go there to get his girlfriend.

What a beautiful dream,
Brazil! That's it!

We could put all their cousins
in his living room!

Lick his cousin's face
in front of him.

And then his aunt...
and his niece...

With a sports narration,
you making out with them all...

You do whatever you want!
You can even hit an old man!

I'm single! I can do whatever!

I can buy a ticket and go
to Argentina and have my revenge!

- From this creep! Jerk!
- How beautiful!

- Revenge! Revenge!
- We'll get naked there!

We'll show who's boss, stupid!

- Are you alright?
- I stood up too fast...

Wanna take a little nap?

Good morning!

- Where are we?
- We just crossed Paraná.

Are you nuts?

What are we doing here?

- Don't you want to go to Argentina?
- No, I was drunk.

That's when we say
what we really want.

- Stop the car.
- Why?

- I'm gonna be sick...
- No, not on Jorge!

- Stop the car.
- Wait!



Fuck! Shit! Motherfucker!

- What? What?
- Shit! My life is shitty!

I'm a piece of shit,
my life is shitty!

We're in the middle of nowhere!

What are we doing here?
Let's go back!

Where to? To the depression hole
Julia put you on.

It's a 10 hour drive.

Caco, you have to react,
what more can I say?

It's our legacy
from Christianism, revenge!

You must take revenge.

I'm not a vengeful guy,
this idea of a trip...

Let me ask you something:

Are you an idiot? Your girl
fucked a man in front of you!

You will never slap me
again in your life!

An Argentine!

It could be a Frenchman, a Carioca,
an old man, Axl Rose, anything,

but it's an Argentine.

You have reached the top
of cuckoldness, congrats!

Stay here then...

Let's hit it.

And never again you say that, ok?

That you're not vengeful.

I don't know...
I've got a feeling that

when we are a long time
with a person,

there's intimacy
and we can read small details,

like we can sense one day

that the person is having sex
with another, we feel it.

- Are you feeling that now?
- No.

- Then your intuition is wrong.
- Is it? Really?

- Beca use she is.
- Ok, but not necessarily right now.

- What I'm saying is...
- And now?

- I don't know!
- They could have started now.

Stop putting that image
in my head!

Fuck, I don't know,
my heart is aching,

but I'm like that 24 hours a day.

She can't fuck him 24/7.
That wouldn't be feasible.

She can.

In the beginning of
a relationship, she can.

Ok, she can.

We're here.

Now we're gonna revenge
your honor and Brazil's honor

for every Argentine that sang
drunk in Copacabana.

For every Messi's goal.

Every Libertadores
Boca Junior won.

Every anti-doping
Maradona got away with.

- Every tango...
- Enough.


- I don't think so...
- That's the spirit! Let's go...

Welcome to my world.

- Good afternoon!
- Good afternoon, beautiful!

Your papers, gentlemen.

What's this?

It's me.

Is this you?

Oh, yes...

- Are these your documents?
- Yes, identity card.

What have you come to do
in Argentina?

I don't know,
are you asking me out?

We can do something now...
What do you want?

Sir, are you crazy?


Are you completely
out of your mind?

She didn't give back our papers,
she wants something...

She wants to search me
and touch me.


- Out of the car.
- See what you did?

- She can't stop looking at me.
- Out of the car!

What's inside?

Let's see.

What's this?

Don't look!

Let's see what we have...

- What's this, bro?
- What the fuck, man?

Smuggling Viagra?

No, this is personal consumption.

- Personal consumption.
- Personal consumption, he said...

Turn back here.

Is this not working already?

- It's an additive.
- Additive...

Are you a funny guy? A smart ass?

"Smart ass", is that good?

You said she was beautiful.
Are you a Don Juan?

Say it to me.
Say that I'm beautiful.

Come on, say I'm beautiful.

You're beautiful.

What else?

Very beautiful.

You're very beautiful.

Very beautiful...

Say more nice things, I like it.

Your head...
it's in a very pretty shape.

What else?

- Come on, come on...
- You...

kind of look like Bruce Willis.

I didn't hear it, what?

You resemble Bruce Willis.

He said I look like Bruce Willis.

"I love you", say it.
"I love you".

Come on, say it.

I love you.

Come again?

I love you, Bruce Willis.

You love me or Bruce Willis?

- You...
- What?

Say it loud, loud, loud...

- I love you.
- Me?

Whoever you are.

He loves me very much.

Well, let's see it again...

Let's take a look?

Turn back.

This is for you...

This is for him...

For you to have a good fuck...


- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Can we go?
- Yes, sure.

- Thank you.
- Have a beautiful trip, huh?

Culture shock, huh?

They don't know what's hip.

Viagra is a hype thing,
a crazy mind trip...

All the cool kids are doing it...

You fuck 1, 2, 3, 4 times,
as many as you want.

- What for?
- What?

Why four?

If you have just one good fuck,
nice, gentle, it's great!

It's alright.

No, yeah, one is also good...

What's beautiful in a trip
is this experience exchange...

That thing about just one
I didn't know...

It's very good.

Ok, so you have one fuck...
which is great, also...

in your own way...
and I have many.

The important thing
is that it's with Argentine only.

From now on,
brace yourself, it's party on!

Party on...

Look how cute is this town, Caco.

Each house has a resident.

Each resident is the possibility
of a story, an adventure...

It's a big party in here, huh?

Good afternoon,
Paso de los Libres!

It's gonna be awesome.

Gonna be... awesome.


He took my talisman!

This food is disgusting,
it's a disgrace.

It's really food for pigs.

And to be a chef
like Facundo Flores...

you have a long way to go.

Pop chef, I'm here
waiting for you.

I dare you. Facundo Flores.

Sorry, it was the TV show...

Won't you take a shower?

We're going out soon, warrior.

- Did you bring clothes for me?
- What for?

Not even underpants?

You're a soldier at war
and this is your question:

"Not even underpants"?

Underpants have four lives.

Front and back, then you flip it,
front and back again.

I'll find a laundry.

At 9 PM you can't do the test,

Sorry... It's just that
I have one clothe...

Well, then fix that situation...

Well, ok, bye...

- It's cold, huh? Today...
- With clothes on, it would help...

- Sorry?
- Clothes would help.

Oh, yeah, clothes...

- Can I walk there?
- Yeah, sure.

What happened here?

I'm using it...

It's mine, but it's not ready,
put it back...

What the fuck?
You put this inside?

- No, it's washing.
- Look at it!

What is this? It's yours!

How could you put it with mine?

Those machines are terrible,
you can't see inside.

- My blouse...
- I'm very, very sorry.

Sorry? You know how
this clothe is important to me?

No, you don't,
you don't give a fuck!

Maybe we can put... bleach.

Put bleach?
Do you see you're an idiot?

- Sanitary water?
- It goes back to white with it.

Shit! Shit!

I'm very, very sorry.

If you want to dry your clothes,
wait for mine.

Are you ready?

- What are you doing, man?
- What do you think?

Preparing the amusement park
for the ladies.

Wow, they're gonna have a ball...

That's basic stuff.

- Why the ass face?
- It's the only one I've got.

Tushy face...

Liven up, man!

We're soon going
to the wildest night

in Paso de los Libres.

You have a stain on your shirt.

You have to be open...
to new cultures.

Remember that for them
to understand you

you have to loosen your mouth.

"Thank you." "You're welcome."

Night warriors then?

Night warriors.


Can I offer you a drink?

A little, thanks.

What's with you?

It's a Brazilian dance.

- You have myopia? Or astigmatism?
- Both.

Both? Wow, incredible...

What are you doing?


I had surgery in one of my eyes
for myopia,

which means I can look at things
close with an eye

and from a distance
with the other.

Can I stay here?

I don't understand
what you're saying.

Your Spanish
is not that good, huh?

And another thing I have

is to link things...

For instance, if I have to
call my bank manager,

I'm ashamed to be on debt,

so I put money to talk to her.

- Wanna come to my hotel?
- No.

- Wanna sleep spooning?
- No.

Wanna go to
a Romero Britto exhibition?

I'm not interested!

I went to say
good night to the dog,

and he made that noise,
that typical dog noise...

but I didn't realize
he was upset...

- No.
- Of course.

- No.
- Yes.

- No!
- Ok...

And Bonita, a German shepherd,

but she was very jealous.

She was always locked in a...

- What's her name?
- Carla.

Carla, can you please go away?

You're something else...

Can I...

Can I eat this?

Argentina for me

is like Krypton.

My superpowers don't work here.
Like Krypton, for Superman...

- You got it, right?
- Yeah, I see Superman...

Since the border...

Your superpowers...

Caco, your sarcasm just shows

that you have nothing to say
against what I'm saying.

I have a cool metaphor
with Superman and you come...

with negative energy...

We have to be low,
we're desperate...

- Trust me.
- No, man...

I'm proud of my profession.

The strongest feeling a girl
can have for a guy is pity.

Excuse me, lady...

- Sorry.
- Yes.

Do you have a cigarette?


Thank you.

And a lighter too? Fire?

Yes, I have.

Caco, do you share
this cigarette with me?

- You saved my life!
- Are you ok?

Thank you.

Come here.

Group hug! Caco,
I was born again!


- Hi.
- How are you?

Here, a torn jacket...
a scorched skin...

Sometimes hair on fire,
that's normal for us.

That's our daily routine,
we're professional stunts, me and Caco.

This... is not very visible,
but it's a horrible injure

from a Spiritist movie
where I would capsize a truck

with the whole cast, everybody
dies on it and the movie goes on...

What about you?
You don't have any scars?

Caco? He's the one
with the most scars.

He has scars all over.

- Really?
- Yes, I swear.

Hey, am I allowed
to answer questions?

If I talk you up, it's better.

Let me talk you up, man.

Caco is like an amulet,
he protects the team.

Everything that goes wrong,
happens to him.

The other day,
he had to use a gun,

and it went off inside his pants.

At first, everyone was worried,

but then everyone relaxed,

beca use at least
it didn't hit any actors.

That is showbiz.

You know we're here
on a "bachelor's party"?

- Here, now?
- Yeah, now.

Who, you?

No one...

No, it's a projection... No one.

No one, no one...

"No one" saw...
how do you say it?

"No one" saw his girlfriend...

- How do you say "fucking the boss"?
- You don't.

- No, in Spanish?
- You don't say it.

The girlfriend...

was "giving"...

She was laying down
and the boss was on top

making frontal penetration.

And also side by side,
many variants...

- Oh, no, poor guy...
- It's alright...

It was horrible, terrible...

When I knew about it,
I was shocked.

I was worse than him.

It's difficult for me,
'cause I'm sensitive

and this kind of negative energy
moves me, it's hard to overcome it.

You don't have to think
about those things.

We're leaving, ok?

She feels pity for you.

That's the best scenario
with a woman.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Eight years!
Eight years of intimacy!

Eight years together!

Every Sunday morning
we would go buy fish together,

and suddenly she throws it all
in the garbage!

- She doesn't even care...
- Yeah...

You could really feel
a little humiliated, I suppose.

Yeah, a lot! She didn't call me.

And I got there
and she was with her boss.

I don't know...

You wouldn't do that
to a person that is your lover,

your partner, your buddy...

You're a nice person.

And you wouldn't have
the guts to do that.

I don't know, I have no idea...

Maybe she left you
'cause you're a drag.

Drag? I don't get it.

- You. You are a drag.
- What is it?

A big drag, dull, annoying,
unbearable, boring...

- No!
- Yes, boring, you talk and talk...

You don't do anything else.
You're typical.

You talk and talk
and don't do anything.

Are you ok?




Yes, I'm alright.

I blocked it with my hand.

So I didn't hurt my head.

- It was technical.
- You're a jackass.




That have never happened before,
just so you know...

It's cool, man...

Never happened before.

- Ok, but it's in the past.
- Maybe for you, not for me.

- Calm down, maybe it was my fault.
- Well, that's for sure.

The language barrier was tough...

And you being Argentine
intimidated me a little.

I'm not Argentine,
I'm Paraguayan.

I'm not Argentine,
I'm Paraguayan.

From Asuncion, and proud of it.

Come again?


What the fuck... What an asshole!

So, was it good
with the Argentine?

- The Argentine was Paraguayan.
- Oh...

- At least you scored...
- Yes!

Hot girl, that's
the bachelor's life.

Hot girl, you're never alone
for even a minute...

Get used to it, it'll be
like that for you too.

And you, how was it?

- I didn't make it.
- Oh, you failed?


Caco, remember you don't
have to lie, it's me.

I know, but I didn't
even get to...

I know, not even got to...

- No, you don't get it.
- No, I understand.

You're just embarrassing
yourself even more.

Let's go straight to the drugstore,
I'll buy you a box of Viagra.

You're crazy! Viagra?

I'll be honored, ok?

Let's stop it here,
that's better.

Don't you think that's too much?

Better safe than sorry.

I don't want you impotent again.

It looks like a squirrel's cheek.

- Squirrel's cheek.
- Yeah, full of food.

You know they store it
in their cheek.

And eat it through the day...

- I do that too.
- Really?

With that candy
that sticks on the tooth.

There's always something
in the back.

In the end of the day
I get it like an extra candy.

- Like a little dessert.
- Yeah, I'm wise.

On one trip I saw
a little monkey do that,

store the tourists' food.

And then the mom would come

to open his mouth wide

and rob the son's food.

He was screaming a lot...

- That's horrible!
- Yeah, nature is...

- Nature is shit!
- Yeah...

I miss Julia...

What is that?


Sorry, miss?

Hi, are you ok?

Yeah, I'm great!

- Don't you want help?
- Are you fragile?

Wait, man!

We can help, if you want.

We're on the same direction,
going to Buenos Aires.

Come with us.

- What's this?
- Crazy woman...

What's this?

Miss, are you alright?

Come on, what are you waiting?

Step on it!

I don't believe

in marriage anymore,
it's all a great lie we're told.

It's all an illusion,
love, marriage,

an illusion we make up
and you keep on it, but not me.

If I said that
you would argue with me.

Was that why you fled
from your wedding?

I think she's very sensitive...

Look, friend, we've been
having some problems,

doubts about the nationality

of some chicks.

Fake Argentines.

There are lots of them here.

So let me ask you something:

Who's the best soccer player
of all times?

- Are you serious?
- Very serious.

All men are the same
with soccer, Brazilians also?

Sorry, what do you think?

If I say Pelé
is better than Maradona

so Brazilians are better
than Argentines?

No, and Maradona is better,
but there's nothing to do with you,

but about Maradona and Pelé.

Boys, what is the next subject,
the Thundercats?

Look, missy, who are you

to talk about Thundercats
with me in my car?

Five minutes ago you were
running, drooling,

in a bride dress, like a lunatic!

Now you're gonna diss Thundercats
in front of me?

Like a crazy, childish woman?

- A mad, spoiled brat...
- A cow.

- No, that's too harsh...
- A cow! A cow!


Everyone's alright?

Are you alright?

What a Brazilian fuck up!

Are you alright?
Are you alright?

Obviously, the radiator blew up
'cause this car

is hotter
than a Brazilian in Carnival.

I have to see
if it is the fan

or the clamp
from the expansion tank.

If it's the fan, ok,

but if it's the tank
you're fucked,

I don't have it on me,
you know, I have to order one.


You're fucked!
It's gonna take a week.

And it's gonna cost
4,500 pesos.

I don't have the money
nor the time, buddy.

So take it from here
and fix it in Brazil.

That's the price
I have to charge, fuck...

- My friend.
- Yes.

I guess we had
a misunderstanding,

beca use I don't speak
Spanish very well.

This trip is very important
to my friend there.

He's not well.

We must continue this trip
to rescue his honor.

It's a very long story,
I don't know if I should tell you.

He was cheated on in Brazil
and now he's heartbroken.

You don't even understand me.

I understand you perfectly.
Your friend was cuckolded.

Yes, he's a cuckold.

I didn't even had to tell you.
You can tell just by his face.

Look at him.

Look, what I can do for you

is to fix the car in two days
and charge you 4,000 pesos.

Yes, but the thing is...


caught his girlfriend...

How can I explain this?

In the act.

He saw her.

Got it?

1,000 pesos and 10 hours.
I can't do better than that.

- I understand.
- Perfect. You understand.


I don't like to talk about...

other people's intimacy but...

- Have you seen Pop Chef?
- Yes.

The guy that was fucking
my friend's girlfriend,

was the chef...
Facundo Flores.

Look, I'll fix it in two hours
and you don't have to pay me.

You're the man.
Thank you.


It worked for something.

I'm very happy.

It's the happiest day of my life.
Everything's going my way. Amazing.

Your heart is shut
for happiness.

Yes. It is.

Are you in a hurry?

Yes, I have to get to the airport
tomorrow morning.

Yes, but car will be ready soon.
You can wait with us.

But I have to be in the airport
tomorrow morning.

But we'll be
in Buenos Aires today.

The car will be ready in 2 hours.

We have some coffee meanwhile.

- He told you 2 hours?
- Yes, 2 hours.

- Are you sure?
- I'm sure.

Ok, but no coffee.
Beer or something stronger.

The truth is that
men are a disaster with women.

None of you understand us,

or you pretend not to,
I don't know.

You're very afraid of women,
I don't know why.

And you're sexists.

You're all very sexists.

It so happens
that you're sexists,

and ironically
you're afraid of women.


- Are you agreeing?
- Yes.

Is she saying that
we're afraid of women?

- That's what she's saying.
- Help me here, Caco.

- Aren't you?
- We're stuntmen.

I get punched, bit by dogs,
I roll down hills on fire.

I overturn cars,
run over people on the street.

That's my job, do you think
I'm afraid of women?

Tell me, are you dating anyone,
are you married?

Never. I love life.

You're making too many questions.
You have to spin the bottle.

Someone's jealous.

It looks like
it's your turn, Vadãozinho.

I have nothing to hide.

Ok. So tell me about
you're romantic life.

That's a strong word in my life.

Vadão is the kind of guy
who doesn't want to get older,

so he doesn't mature either.

- You know the fruit papaya?
- Papaya?

A green papaya.

What a crappy metaphor,
I'm like a papaya?

Hold it. He's a green papaya
that you put in the refrigerator

and leave there
for several weeks.

It gets rotten,
but it's still green.

It doesn't ripe.

Like Peter Pan?

Yes. He's an old child.

Now she's your buddy, right?

You and the crazy chick
against me.

I'll leave you
at the bus stop.

- Go Peter Pan.
- It's my turn.

No need to spin it.

What do you want to ask me?

Tell me...

why did you
end your marriage

during the reception?

A better moment
never occurred to you?


- Why talk about the past...
- Past? It was today!

We can talk about the future.
I'm about to go on a hone ymoon.

Which is great.
To Tahiti. Hello!

You're going to Tahiti
for your hone ymoon.

You don't want to get married,
but you want hone ymoon?

Who are you going with?

I'm going with myself.

I'll get married
to myself in Tahiti.

I'll really get to know myself...

doesn't qualify as an answer.

You have to pay.

- Pay up.
- Pay.

Well, do I have to?

- Do it.
- I'll do it.

You're done. It's over.

It's 3:00 AM.
I have to go and you have to go.


3:00 AM boys! We have to go.

Wait, wait.

- I have to go to the airport.
- Yes, but take it easy.

Come on.

- Go where?
- Come on, Vadãozinho.

- Let's go!
- Wait.

Out, out!

It was great, thank you.

Hurry, I'll miss my flight.

Easy, "chica".

Vadãozinho is under the influence
and he doesn't drive like this.

What if I drive?


Jorge is mine, and I'm
the only one who drives it.

Please, Vadãozinho.

- Buenos Aires.
- Yes!

Caco does some thinking.

Caco stays here.

I'll go over there.

- Where?
- Let him go.


Vadão! Vadão!

- What?
- I need your phone.

- What?
- Sorry, I need your phone.

- Jackass.
- Caco, you have a phone.

Please, Vadão, I need your phone.

- Goddammit, Caco!
- You promised me!

I did. I'll be right there.
Sorry. Just a moment.


- Thank you.
- What's going on, Vadão?

Damn it!

I need something
from my backpack.

- Julia blocked me.
- I don't give a shit.

I mean it.
Julia blocked me on Facebook.

Whatever. Fuck you, fuck Julia.

I'm in the marriage of my dreams.

Someone got married and
I'm only going to the hone ymoon.

Let's enjoy.
We're about to fuck an Argentine.

Live the moment, Caco.

Shit, brother!

Goddamn slut!

What now? What now?!

I don't know.
Let's find a police station.

- They have radio.
- Radio my ass!

They have less than 30 people
in this pueblo.

- They don't have crimes here.
- She said she was going to Tahiti.

We'll find the car.

Cool, let's go there.
She's in Tahiti with my car.

She's not in Tahiti!

We know where the car will be
when she gets to Buenos Aires.

It's ok. We'll find your car.

Fine, let's trust
your crazy friend

who left the groom at the altar
and took a ride with us.

Who do you want to trust?

Who do you want to trust?

Not you.

All of this beca use you just had to
ask me for the fucking cell phone.

I took your fucking phone because
Julia blocked me on Facebook.

Now she's in Buenos Aires
with that fucking guy

and I have no way
of getting in touch with her.

- Julia is in Buenos Aires?
- Yes, she's in Buenos Aires.

- You already knew that?
- I did.

I knew that.
Julia is in Buenos Aires.

I'll go to Buenos Aires,
I'll find her and I'll talk to her.

You came here because of her.

- I did.
- Motherfucker!

I'm such an idiot.

I can be more of sucker than you.
Son of a bitch!

I thought we were
on our road trip.

- We are!
- You used me, you used Jorge

to go after this girl
who dumped you to be with a cook.

She dumped me,
but she can have me back!

If I can get close to her,
I will!

This is between me and her.
It doesn't concern you!

Wake up, sucker!

There's nothing between
you and her anymore.

If I knew this girl was here,
I would've taken you to Bahia.

What a shitty idea.

Your plan is awesome.

Your plan deserves a Nobel prize
for the shittiest plan ever.

A guy steals my girlfriend, so
I go to Buenos Aires after girls...

How old are you, man?

I'm in the middle of the road
in my underwear high on two Viagras.

I'm on the loose.
I'm out to get girls!

I'm not eight years old
to think women are toys

and I won't go after them
to get back at some dude.

An argentine took your girl,
you take his. This is the law.

This is the law
if you're eight years old.

Take this opportunity
and become an adult!

Hear the things you're saying.

- That you don't want revenge.
- I don't.

Listen to you.

I don't care about
this stupid revenge.

So you want to discuss
your relationship with her?

I do! I want to talk to Julia.

So ask her, 'Julia,
why did you grab Facundo's weenie? '

Don't talk about Julia like that!

- But that's it!
- Don't do it!

I'll beat the crap out of you!

Pay attention.
Julia is fucking this Facundo!

Stop talking about Julia
like that!

- She's fucking him right now!
- Stop it!

Even if I stop talking,
she'll continue to fuck him.

I'll kick your fucking ass!

Wow, wow!
What's going on?

What's that fucking thing?

- The Viagra kicked in, what else?
- Turn that thing away!


Please, please.

Help, help!

Fuck you man,
at least try to help.

What did we hit?

He threw himself!
He threw himself!

The sun was in my face.

You didn't see him?

The sun! He threw himself!

I didn't see him!
He threw himself!

Do you understand?
He threw himself.

I was the one who got ran over,
and you're consoling the girl?

Are you alright, man?

Yeah, I'm okay.

It's the Brazilian
from the la undry room.


Alright, dear.
We were robbed.

They stole our car.

We need to go
to the airport in Buenos Aires,

after the psychotic Argentine girl
who robbed us...

What the fuck
is going on with you?

Wash your mouth before you speak
about Argentine girls.

You had a problem with a girl,
or did I misunderstand you?

Actually, it was more than one.

And now the two Brazilians
are here alone

in the middle of nowhere,

seeking the help of strangers.

We need a ride to Buenos Aires,

if you're cool with that ok,
if not, fuck it.

If you need our help
you should be more humble.

An Argentine
talking about humbleness.

I didn't even know you could
pronounce that word.


Let's play a game
with our Brazilian friends.

If you answer correctly, maybe
we'll take you to Buenos Aires.

Maybe. I have to check with him.

Question number one.

Who's the best soccer player
of all times?

It's obvious.

Who might that be?

I don't know.

Is it the player who won more
World Cups than your country?

Who scored more goals than anyone
without using his hand?

And who dated Xuxa...

In her good years?

King Pelé.

Wrong answer.

It's Maradona.

What's that?
Are you trying to make friends?

Finally a Brazilian bows
for the true king.

- Cool.
- Let's go.

You'll say anything
to get a ride in a van.

I don't give a damn
about Maradona.

I'm off. Let's go!

You're not coming.
You have to say it's Don Diego.

Maradona is better.

Now you got it.
Come in, my friend.

He's not even the best coke sniffer,
beca use we have Casagrande.

Are you messing with me?
You'll stay here.

Stop fucking around, Martin.
Let's go.

I'm not fucking around!
Screw over.

Do you think I'm fucking around?

Let's go!

Well, just a little bit.

Let's go, Brazilians!

Brazil tell me
What you're feeling

Welcoming your daddy at home

I swear that although
The years will pass

We will never forget

That Diego has dribbled you all
And Cani has fucked you all

You've been crying since Italy
'Til today

You'll see that Messi
Will bring us the Cup

Maradona is better than Pelé

Maradona! Maradona!
Maradona! Maradona!

You're too happy,
but you lost the final game.

Check what they're saying.

You lost by 7 goals! 7!

- 7 x 0!
- No. It was 7 x 1!

Respect me. We're better
than Argentina in that also.

You'll never achieve
such a spectacular defeat.

To lose like that.

You're right, brother.
We love Brazil very much.

It's alright. We're brothers.

We love the Brazilian beaches,
the girls.

We love Brazil.

We've performed there
several times.

Kissing the girls.

No more kissing for you.

Now everything's expensive there.

The beer is expensive.
No more euphoria.

You're right.

Thanks to the depreciation
of our currency,

Buenos Aires is filled
with Brazilian girls.

We take them to Caminito,
San Telmo, Puerto Madero,

we give them some wine,
and they fall in love.

- Give me a kiss.
- "Caress me gently.

Speak to me in Argentine, love."

When is the end
of adolescence for men?

When you're 40?

Shut up and look ahead.
Drive quiet.

Hippie, tell me more about
Brazilians who like Argentine men.

I have a friend
who had this problem.

He had a Brazilian girlfriend
who cheated on him.

No... Poor guy.

We're well represented there.

And why are you laughing?

I assure you that everyone here
has been cuckolded. Right?

Was your friend
talking about you?

That happens when something
is wrong with the relationship.

- So it's my fault?
- I didn't say that.

- No?
- No.

It's not about anyone's fault.

- No?
- No.

What's it about?

And you wanted that.

I wanted her to go
and find someone else?

I don't get this,
are you a singer or a shrink?

- Here we're all a bit shrinks.
- I see that.

But I'm not charging you.

How fortunate of me.

And it reveals
something about you.


That I'm a cuckold.

That my girlfriend
couldn't care less.

I'm a cuckold.
Me, me, me, me, me!

The world screwed me.

- Poor thing.
- Stop it.

How can I say in Spanish,

"I'm sorry to be so nosy
and such a jackass."

Are you calling me a jackass?

The intercontinental queen
of jackassness.

You also seemed like a jackass
when I saw you the first time.

What a magical encounter.

The international festival
of the jackasses.

So what?
Do you have a problem with that?

And I think
you're the one to blame.

Sometimes we mistake
love and lust.

Wow. I'm sorry,
I need to write that down.

The subject is extensive, right?

If you ever want
to talk about it, here I am.

Ok. Let's leave it like that.

If I want it, I look for you. Ok?

Excuse me.

They fucked him badly.

This hissy fit is normal for me.

I deal with that every day.

That hissy fit.

Hissy fit.
How do I say that in Spanish?

- Hissy fit?
- I want to leave now.

Ah, "enojado". He's moody.

- Ass face.
- Yes. Ass face. Exactly.

Asshole. He treated
me badly the whole trip,

and I was always trying
to lift his spirit.

I was the one
who planned this trip.

I was the one who put him
unconscious in the car.

And nothing.
Not even a "thank you".

All I needed to hear was
"Thank you very much, Vadão."

- But nothing.
- Nothing.

We're in Argentina.

Let's get some girls
and eat "dulce de leche".

But he keeps that bad vibe.

The world is fucked up.

No, no.
The world is full of joys.

Because you spend your days
smoking grass in a van.

You have to live life today.

It doesn't matter
what happens tomorrow.

Keep the happiness all the time.

You have to enjoy life.

Forget about the jokes
about Maradona and the girls.

This was just for kicks.
We're brothers from now on.

- Cool.
- Drink some matte.

It's the same straw for everyone?

Yes. Don't take it off.

- There's no disposable one?
- No.

How about it?

- Very good.
- Let's go, boss.

We're here, gentlemen.


Good luck with Jorge.
I hope you find it soon.

I'm sorry
we won't help on the search,

but we have a show tonight.

We expect to see you there.

Tonight we'll have good music
and beautiful women.

As soon as we find Jorge,
we'll go to the show.

Not me. I'm going back to Brazil.

You'll leave
just like that, jackass?

I will, jackass.

Good luck.

Thanks. Good luck to you too.


- Bye, Vadão.
- Bye.

We see you there.



What's that?

We've just arrived to Buenos Aires,
and you want to go back.

Yes. But stay here.
Enjoy your cool trip.

So you want to split?

Vadão, ever since I left Brazil
I only got screwed.

It's not worth damaging myself
because of anyone.

- Ok, cool.
- Cool.

- Alright, alright.
- It's very alright.

- It's fucking alright.
- 'Alrightyo', Vadão.

'Alrightyo' is not even a word.
What the fuck is that?

You'll never exorcise that.
This name will haunt you:

Facundo. Facundo.
Give him a call.

"Hey, Facundo, everything
is great, I'm back in Brazil."

"I'm good and mature now.
Let's move on."


Thanks, crazy bride!

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

What's that?

Screw over.

- You miss me already.
- Go, screw over.

- You wanna drive Jorge?
- Come on, bro!

Let's go.

- You're all excited.
- I am.

You arrived at your destination.

You only have shitty ideas.
Damn it.

Is there anything I can say
to talk you out of this?

It's closed! What a drag.

We'll have to go to the show
and get a lot of girls.



This is a waste of time.



No, no, no!

Don't do it! Don't do it!

If you do that,
I'll get very upset.

Don't do it! Don't do it!

Caco, you're already over this.

Revenge is not a good idea!
You're bigger than that.

It's not worth getting revenge,
you're better than that.

Don't do it! Don't do that!

Son of a bitch!


What is it?

What are you doing here?

Hi, Julia!

What the fuck is this?
What is my sign doing up there?

- Wait.
- What's going on here?

- Easy...
- I came to talk to you.

Please! Take it easy, babe.

Let me talk to him.

What are you doing here?

I'm doing something
I should've done before.

What is that?

Breaking my sign?

I didn't come here
to talk to you, asshole!

Stay cool!

What are you trying to prove?

I'm not trying to prove anything.

That day when I went there
to talk to you,

I was going to propose to you.

I'm not even sure I wanted.
I don't think I did.

But I thought you wanted,
so went along

and when I got there
I saw you with this guy.

I didn't do anything,

and, since then, I've been
stuck in that fucking kitchen.

I'm trying to leave that kitchen.

Caco, I'm with someone else.

I know what happened was awful,
but now it's over.

I fell in love
and I chose to live this.

I chose to move away,

I'm in another country,
another city.

I'm in Buenos Aires,
I want to be with Facundo.

We're together.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.


Nothing, finish this.

- Finish talking to him.
- What happened?

You speak.

We met in a very special
moment of our lives.

A very special moment
of your life.

You were lacking something
that I could give to you,

which was basically...

And I can't deny, it was...

- What are you saying?
- I'm sorry but...

Your boyfriend couldn't
give you what you wanted.

Somehow I helped you,
because you were unsatisfied.

Doll, I never loved you.
Did I ever tell you...

Caco, you're going too far!

Caco, don't!

I'II... get a...

There you go, Caco.

You fucked my relationship,
and now you'll leave.

I will.

Bye, Julia!

- Wanna a beer?
- Sure.

Two beers, please.

Thank you.

To the trip.

What's going on?

- Do I look good?
- No.


What's up, guys?
Vadão is over there.

Hey! Vadão!

- You came back?
- Yes.

- Jackass?
- Yes.

I always knew I'd meet
a naked man in a laundry room.


When I was a kid,
I thought that if I ever found

a very beautiful woman
playing guitar in a van

and if she came out
banging her knees between my legs,

I'd be crazy for her.

For 3 days.

Three days? How generous.

- I wouldn't gave you one day.
- No?

What do we do?

About what?

- You think too much, jackass.
- Me? You're right.

What's up?

Woke up happy already?

What happened?
It didn't work out tonight?

Just because you scored
with one girl

that I set up for you,
you'll come with this bullshit?

I didn't think I had a good
energy exchange with anyone.

When this happens...

I prefer to preserve my feelings.
I'm in a whole other stage.

This was my idea about this trip.

It was a trip of maturing,

I made friends. I learned
the value of true friendship.

I have matured.

And it doesn't happen
just by kissing anyone.

You're a piece of shit, Vadão.

I love you too. And?

Let's go to Brazil?
Enough friendship.

- What did you say?
- Let's go to Brazil.

Enough friendship.

Let's go.

Do you know how they say
"mochila" in Spanish?



- Crazy, right?
- Yes.

They copy everything from us.