El Crimen Perfecto (The Perfect Crime) (2004) - full transcript

An impending much-sought-after promotion at Yeyo's shopping mall in Madrid has created quite a stir, as a new floor supervisor needs to be chosen between Don Antonio, the helpful, experienced, yet, stern and gloomy head of the men's department and Rafael, the seductive, highly skilled salesman and head of the women's department. Without a doubt, competition is hard when there's only room for one, however, when the suave and sophisticated Rafael loses out to his inelegant arch nemesis, he will find himself in a very tight spot when during an argument, he will accidentally kill Don Antonio. Obviously, with him as a prime suspect, handsome Rafael is in dire straits and desperate as he is, he will inevitably accept help from Lourdes, the department's ugly duckling who unfortunately knows all about his misfortune, nevertheless, not without a cost. With his life literally in Lourdes' hands, blackmailed into her preposterous demands, there is only one way out and Rafael will need to stain his hands with blood once more, but shortly, he will learn that there is no such thing as the ferpect crime.

- What do you want?
- I'm just looking.

These suits are on sale,
and they're in fashion.

I don't want suits.

Since I saw you looking...

I felt like looking.
So what?

How about a sweater?

I see suits,
not sweaters.

Yeah, but...

Shut up!


How much is this one?

That's on sale.

You said that already.

It's a bargain.

A bargain?

It's way overpriced.

Next door it costs half this.

Maybe these are better...

Wrong! Wrong!
Don't bend over to pick it up!

Never hesitate.
"These are better."

You know it, he knows it,
everyone knows it.

- Yeah, but...
- You're afraid of the client!

- No, I'm not.
- Fucking petrified.

Never lose the initiative.
You did everything wrong.

Who can tell me his errors?

His clothes need ironing.

Asking clients what they want.

That's right!
Never ask a client that.

"May I help you?"
"Do you need assistance?"

But never
'What do you want?"

It's lame. Besides,

he argued with the client.
He disagreed.

Rule number one.
The customer is always right.

Even kids know that!

Not to mention kneeling,

losing authority and especially
using the awful expression "bargain."

You get a zero out of 100.


the highest score so far
has been a 12.

We have a lot of work to do.

Has anyone ever got
a perfect score?



He was perfect.

He had us all buying clothes.

I bought a basketball jersey,
and I hate basketball.

I have it framed
in my room.

He was a machine.
He could read your mind.

A magician, an animal...

a creature born to sell.

I've never seen anything like it.

Don't judge what you see here.

All this is temporary.

Simply a place to sleep.
This isn't my real home.

I'm just an elegant man who wants
to live in an elegant world.

Is that asking too much?

Meanwhile, I'd rather have nothing
than a home full of vulgar objects.

Some day I'll move on
to the life I deserve.

You know what the problem is?

People have no taste.
Look how they dress.

It's dreadful. And don't say
it's because they're poor.

This jacket has nothing
to do with that.

Personally, I'd rather die
than live a mediocre life,

like most people's.

I know which house I want,
which car I want,

even where they are
and how much they cost.

40,000 euros plus tax.

Leather upholstery,
wooden dashboard, factory GPS.

Don't think about it.
Just do it.

If you sit around waiting,
you lose. Luck doesn't exist.

You have to go for it,
every day.

Opportunities are out there
waiting for you.

You just need the courage
to go after them.

I never hold back.

If I like what I see,
I grab it.

That's why people are unhappy.

They're surrounded
by things they like,

but they won't go after them.


You won't get anywhere
without a goal.

I have a goal, a finish line,
and I'm about to reach it.

Welcome to my world,
where everything's perfect.

The light, the music,
the colors...

the aroma...

- What was that for?
- A little souvenir.

How are you?

Are we still on for tonight?

Ten o'clock
in the changing rooms.

It's lunacy!

I love women.
All of them.

Well, almost all of them.

Nothing's more attractive
than a single male.

They can smell us.
I saw it in a documentary on TV.

Their genes drive them
to seek marriage.

Females want to control us,
dominate us, and above all,

reproduce. It's the cycle of life
and all that.

So they select a male,
show off their feathers...

and suddenly you've got
a mortgage,

a pack of wild animals to feed
and end of story.

Just thinking about it
sends chills down my spine.

Is this my fate?


I've found my home here,
my refuge.

I'm the priest in a pagan temple,
surrounded by my followers.

Wild and passionate.

Adores making love
in the changing rooms.

Her base instincts emerge
in the most unexpected places.

Good old Alonso.

He admires me so much
he'd do anything for me.

He's a kiss-ass,
but he grows on you.

- Are you on the job or what?
- Absolutely.

Married, two kids.

Uninhibited and fascinating.

Years of boring family life
have made her a sex bomb.

Jaime, the poor guy.

Had to quit law school
to marry his pregnant girlfriend.

Always talking about his kids to
justify himself, but he's a good kid.

Helena. Naive and rustic,
but her body is perfect.

Good lord, what breasts!

And what a cook.
Those cupcakes...

This is the border.

The edge of the ladies section.
My kingdom.

Across the aisle, the dark side.
The much-feared menswear department.


Good morning.

Don Antonio, a professional.
Over 20 years here.

He likes his job.
Dressing men.

Though I suspect
he'd rather undress them.

Despite his repulsive toupé,

Antonio's the only other candidate
for floor manager.

Floor manager.

You know what that means?

Being the king. Owning a little piece
of this paradise.

Stock in the company,
commissions on everything sold,

and with time, the chance to join
the Board of Directors.


Well, there was Mr. Emilio.

I remember him
like an immortal god,

walking among us,
aware that his blood was unlike ours.

And it was.
He died of leukemia last Christmas.

Bam, bam, bam!

Now the post is vacant,
and it's between the two of us.

They thought it'd be fun

to see us tear each other apart.

This month's sales will decide.
It's either him,

or me.
There's no one else.

Are you ready, champ?

It's the last day.
You're gonna clean up. I can feel it.

Did you bring the total figures?

Including yesterday,
90,000 euros.

What about Antonio?

95,000 euros.


How does he do it?
Always selling ties and socks.

I've got 8 hours, right?



Hold on, wait...


Hi there, ladies.

- You both look stunning.
- Thank you.

My pleasure. Here, let me.

What a nice man.

Eva, giftwrap this for me.

Goodbye, ma'am.
You'll look amazing.

- Such a flatterer!
- He's irresistible.

- How am I doing?
- Good. Pretty good.

- What happened?
- Guess.

He sold something big.

You won't believe it.
A tuxedo.

- For New Year's?
- No, an expensive one.

Worth a fortune.

This goes much better
with your eyes.

Thank you.

That son of a bitch.
What time is it?

- 9:30.
- Half an hour left.

There's no way.
You'd have to sell 7 dresses.

Something expensive.

Like a flat screen plasma TV.

What's plasma?

That stuff they put in TV's.

We don't sell TV's
on this floor.

I need something fast!

That's when I saw her.

She was the one.

Hold it. Leave her to me.

- But Rafa...
- Quiet, you'll scare her!

There she was,
right in front of me.

Strolling through lingerie,
like a deer

in the undergrowth.
Ladies like this are scarce

in this climate.
She's just browsing.

The way she carries her bag.
Swinging it back and forth....

She's promised herself she won't
but deep down inside

she wants to buy something,

to shop away her woes,

the anxiety that devours her
because she's overweight

and nobody notices her,
and she's lonely...

- No.
- What?

- It's not you.
- Why not?

That's for older women.

It's designed to cover,
rather than highlight your figure.

You need something different.

You think so?

I don't think so,
I know so.

It should be like gift wrap
for a wonderful package.

Like those chocolates
wrapped in gold paper.

We can't wait to eat
what's inside.

Oh, right. What a gift.

I know.

I've got it.

- What's he doing?
- Shut up. What a monster!

Look, she's in the bag.

There's no time.
We close in 10 minutes.

What is it?


I can't show you.
I'm sorry.

- Why not?
- My bosses would kill me.

It's already been sold.
It has to be picked up.

What a shame.

She's a famous customer.

She comes in every week.

Who is she?

I can't.

I can't tell you.
I'm sorry.

Please, tell me.
Who is she?



But she's much younger than me.


you'd be surprised.

The secret's in the wrapping.

Believe me.

Like the chocolates?


But it'd look much better on you.

You're pulling my leg.

You know what? I'm going to risk
my job just to see you in it.

But if it's already been sold...

It'll be our secret.

No one will ever know.

Oh, well.
Another day under my belt.

Time to close up.
How much did I sell?

Hold on, there's still
4 minutes left.

Hey, watch that tone with me,
little sister.

Just a second.

- Rafael isn't finished.
- Don't close yet.

I pity you both.
Always waiting for the bell

to sound.

You think this is a soccer match?

You think Ronaldo will score
a last-minute goal?

This is a job,
not some game show on TV.

People come here to work.
To screw around, try a disco.

Sonia, honey.
Wrap this up for the lady.

How crazy!

What's done is done.
Put it behind you.

It's time to enjoy it.

When my husband finds out...

He'll be happy if you are.

I'd always wanted one,
but I never dared.

Who would have thought
that today...

Thank you. Goodbye.

Well, boys.

Sorry to make such a sad spectacle
of my triumph.

It's so hard for me
to be humble.


- 12,000 euros!
- Wow!

Closing time!

- Congratulations!
- Happiness...

Keep quiet, it's almost time.

I won't move an inch...

Stop, that tickles!

Who goes there?

You see? I told you.
We'll get fired for sure.

What? You're joking.

This was all your idea.

Against the wall.

- I can explain. We work...
- Quiet!

Take it easy.

Silence! Playing doctor
in the changing rooms, eh?

I'll kill you, Matias.

You should have seen her face.

- You overdid it, you jerk.
- Very funny, both of you.

Wait ten minutes until I leave.

You've got 3 hours
till the next round.

That's plenty of time
to feed the birdie.

- I owe you one, chief.
- One?

You mean a dozen.

Give me a kiss.

Let go of me.
What, you like men, too?

- Your gun turns me on.
- Forget it.


- Just three hours?
- It's plenty of time.

- There's lots we can do, you'll see.
- Oh, yeah?




- To the new floor manager.
- To an unforgettable night.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Oh, yeah.

What's wrong?

I'm sitting on a pricetag.

How much time?

An hour.
And we have to clean up.

I'm not going anywhere.
I don't care if they catch us.

That would be great.

My first day as floor manager.

Right, you're the new floor manager.
You can do whatever you want.

I'll be your slave!

We'll increase sales

by 50 percent!

You'll see.

You're a natural.

- I was born here.
- In this bed?

In the department store.

There's no way.


My mom went into labor
in Accessories, buying a purse!

There was no time
to call an ambulance.

Guess who helped her.


- Guess who!
- Who?


I can't believe it!

She never got out of here.

Just like me.

I'll live and die here.

It's my destiny.

Welcome to the sale at Yeyo's.

Remember that we're open

to the public
from 10 AM to 10 PM.

Look how happy she looks.

She probably got
the whole routine.

- How would you know?
- Me? Know what?

About the routine.

Champagne, dressing up, dinner...

I heard.

Right. So did I.

Today's my day...

Hey, losers.

I'm knackered.

Working all night.
You know, checking merchandise...

What's wrong?
Did somebody die?

He got the job.

What job? Who got it?

You know who.
He must know someone.

That's right.
It's always who you know.

It can't be.
I beat him.

He's upstairs with the bosses.

That son of a bitch!

Rotten luck.

The check bounced.

You just can't trust anybody

It's tragic.

Do me a favor.
Stick it up your ass.

It's what you get for hustling
people. It all comes out in the end.

But hey,

we'd better get to work.

Your mannequins are out there
waiting for you.

What mannequins?

The old mannequins.
They go in the basement.

That's for new employees.

You don't seem to be following.

I'm your boss now.
So if you like your fucking job,

take the old mannequins
to the fucking basement.

Wait, it's not all bad news.

You'll be leaving
the ladies section.

It's too stressful for you.

You'll be working
in Big and Tall.

Knock yourself out,


What's up?

Aren't you floor manager now?


Change of plans, eh?

They said this was temporary, too.
10 years ago. So don't complain.

I'm not complaining.

I just want him dead.


Don Antonio.

I'd stick him in there
and watch him burn in hell.


Watch it burn.

Gone in five minutes.

Nothing remains.
Fire purifies the soul.

Saint Augustine said it.

If you find any of our articles
cheaper elsewhere,

Yeyo's will pay you the difference.

I'm so sorry.

I knew I shouldn't have,
but you were so insistent...

Right, it's my fault.

I mistook you for an adult,

of making choices.

Instead of an idiot with no idea
how much is in her husband's account.

Hey, don't insult me.
I came as soon as they called.

Stay home or play bingo with your
leftover shopping money instead of

fucking over the rest of us!

You can't use that tone with me!

Yes I can,
you old floozy!

I gave you a chance to shine,
and you ruined it by being broke!

Excuse me.

Rafael, come with me.


- Sorry about that.
- Relax.

Don't apologize.
These things happen. Cigarette?

Thanks. I just lost it
when I saw her.

- I lost my head.
- God.

This is a dream come true.

I don't understand.

Very simple, Rafael.
You're fired.

You can't do that.

Yes, I can.
You just insulted a customer

in front of everyone.

It's over. Get your things and go.
And don't come back.

You can't.
This is my home.

Who the fuck do you think

you are?

You're just a dumbshit employee,
like everyone else.

Not everyone. I don't glue my hair
to my head every morning.

How about that!
Even cocky about it!

Laugh your ass off,

- motherfucker.
- Hands off the jacket.

Fuck you. That jacket isn't yours,
it's the store's. You have nothing.

You're leaving empty-handed

and I'll see to it
you never work again. Out!

Hands off!

Relax, I'm going.

You got what you wanted.

Now you can fondle
the boys in Sportswear.

You should choose your friends
more carefully.

People talk.

Relax. It was an accident.

That's right. An accident.
I didn't mean it.

Neither did I.
But it happened.

It did, but can't we forget it?
Just this once...

Exactly. That's what we'll do.
Forget it.

I'll give you the panties
and that's that.

What panties?

I don't know why I took them.
They're not even my size.

Maybe the color.

Can I go now?

Yes, go, go.

Closing time.
Is anybody in there?

Don't forget to visit our showroom
of items from the Far East,

an exclusive selection for you
here at Yeyo's.

In the changing room.
I knocked,

I banged the door...

- Maybe he's a retard.
- Let's go see.

Is anyone in there?

There isn't,
that's why I called you.

Just checking.

It's the wrong key.
I'll get the other one.

Here, move. Let me.

- There must be a latch...
- A latch?

On the door.
I've done this before.

Shut that dog up.

Leave my dog.

Fucking McGyver!

What's this?

Probably some hooligans.

But how did it get locked
from the inside?

Priorities: First,

stay calm.
All I have to do

is get rid of the body.

And then find those shoes.

Hold on.
Why am I doing this?

I didn't kill him!
It was an accident

I wanted to kill him...

but not really.
I just wanted him dead.

Anything. A sudden death.
Spontaneous combustion.

That's real.
I saw it on TV.


The fact is,
I did not kill him.

He killed himself on that hook.
Wait, that's absurd.

So what? The truth is absurd
sometimes. No, I killed him.

Everyone knows I wanted to.
Besides, I just hid the body.

I'm guiltier than Judas.

And that bitch with the shoes saw me.
She'll sing in no time.

The police are on their way.
Or waiting outside!

Come out with your hands up!

Shit, Matias.
You scared me.

Hey, you two destroyed
that mirror.

Yeah, pretty crazy, eh?

Next time warn me first.
Or I might walk in on you naked.

Can I meet the lady?

You already know her.
It's your wife.

What a bastard.

you've got three hours.

Maybe sometime I could join in
for a "menage a trois."

Hi, Mari. I was just thinking of you.
I thought I'd say hi.

It's gone.

It's gone.

It's gone!

Welcome to the sale at Yeyo's.

we're open to the public

from 10 AM to 10 PM.

- Rafael, where to?
- Me?

- Yeah, where have you been?
- Buying smokes.

- Look, the cops.
- What's going on?

What's going on?
Antonio's missing!

- Missing? Are you sure?
- Yeah.

He's gone?
No one's seen him?

He took off! His wife called.
We'll all be questioned.


Come on. You can't miss
the most exciting thing in years!

Silly boy!

You, sir.
We need to talk.

We do?

You and Antonio
argued yesterday.

I wouldn't say argued...

- He argued with everyone.
- That's right.

About everything.

Don Antonio Fraguas Hernandez.

It's his Visa card.

- The cleaners found it.
- Okay.

What was the argument about?


Sorry, I have a headache.

I forget.

Something silly about ties

- or socks...
- He always moved everything.

Especially ties.
It was...

- He hated them.
- And after that?

He left, like he always does,
and I went after him.

I mean I left after him,
not went after him.

I mean, I didn't follow him
or anything.

You seem nervous.

Nervous? Hey, just because
I saw him last

doesn't mean I killed him.

Excuse me?

Forgive me.
I'm not making any sense.

No one said you killed him.


They didn't?

No. Not me.

Right, no one said that.
Actually, I am quite nervous.

Or that you saw him last.

Oh, dear.

Someone else saw him after.

Someone else?
Well, that's...

an interesting bit of information.
For me, I mean...

otherwise you might think I...


- may I ask?
- That doesn't concern you.

In any case, don't go too far.
We might need you.

Who could it be?

Someone said they saw him after
I'd gone, but that's impossible.

Unless I'm nuts.
Am I speaking out loud?

No, wait a second. What if someone
took the body? Of course!

That's it! But who?

Why? Why?





It must be one of them.


The sex was good, but nothing
worth lying to the cops over.

And what about the body?
Why take it?


I know he hates me,
and he dragged me back here....

He'd love to see me
burn at the stake,

but he'd never take the body.
And the shoes. It has to be a woman.

I don't understand.

Helena? She's hot.
What cupcakes...

I haven't called her in months.
It's her!

She wants revenge for Roxanne!
But why hide the body?

- Excuse me.
- Hey, don't touch me.

- I've been waiting.
- What is it?

- I want this blouse.
- Go ahead, take it.

It's on the house.

Watch out!

Where are you, damnit?

Show yourself.
Stop playing games.

I'm here.
What are you waiting for?

You want to drive me crazy,
is that it?

Well, it's working.

May I?

No. I'm meeting someone.

It's me.

Pardon me?

It's me.

Your guardian angel.

I had to help you.
That's why I lied. To protect you.

- You understand, right?
- Oh, sure.

Forgive me,
I'm a bit nervous.

We'd never spoken like this
before, so up close.

What was your name again?


We've known each other
10 years.

Lourdes, sure, sure.
That's right.

So tell me...

I hate to be so blunt,

what exactly do you know about?



I followed you
after you argued with Antonio.

Okay, Lourdes.

I want you to know,
though it may sound weird...

that I didn't kill him.
I swear on my life.

No need to swear,
it was an accident.

- He attacked me.
- I saw it.

I saw it. He was jealous
of your success with women.

I don't know about that...

You were better than him
at everything.

Look, Lourdes.

I don't know what it is you want,
if anything...

Just to help.


You see?
That's wonderful.

if you did follow me...

later, after we closed...

you saw me take?

The body to the basement?


So you might know where?

I have it.

You have it.

All right.


This is perfect.
It clears things up.


Why did you take it,
instead of...

leaving it right where it was?

It was dangerous.
The maintenance guy starts at seven.

They would have found it.


So that means, where...

where did you hide it?

Don't worry,
they won't find it.

It's in a super-secret place.

Yeah, but where?

I can't tell you.

No? Why not?

Because you don't trust me yet.

I don't trust you?

After all you've done for me?
I have complete trust in you.

I just don't understand

why you're helping me.
We've never been very close.

It's always been more like,

waving hello from afar,
on the escalator...

That was very important to me.

That's right, to me as well.
I swear.

Don't lie.


Maybe we could have had

more contact than we have,

but sometimes when things
are right in front of us...

we miss what really matters,
and things stay superficial.

It's terrible.

That's true.

I'm just worried because
you've involved yourself.

This isn't your problem.

Lourdes, where are you?

- Leave me alone!
- If I upset you,

forgive me. I beg you.

You did it again!

Did what?

You pushed me away.

I've always sensed in you

a sort of...


It's like you're avoiding me.

In the aisles, on the escalators,
you never noticed me.

Like I didn't exist!

That's not true!
Let's talk about it.

All I do is I help you,
and you try to get rid of me!

I should tell the police

Hey, come back here.

Please calm down.
Let's talk this over calmly.

I don't think telling the police
is a good idea,

Lourdes. You're right.

There's always been a barrier
between us, an invisible wall.

You know what it was?



That's right, I'm shy.

If I see someone special,
I retreat. It's instinctive.

I can't handle deep relationships.
With you I knew it would be

from the moment I saw you.

Are you serious?

May lightning strike me down
if I'm lying.

But that was before, Lourdes.
Things have changed.

For better or worse,
we're in this together.

We're accomplices.

Until the end.

Like in that movie where the girl
helps the boy clean the blood

and then they make love
in the back seat?

Yeah. Well,
I haven't seen that one,

but I guess so,
something like that.

We'll do it tonight,
after closing time.

- It's over here.
- Where?

I told you no one would find it.

For God's sake,
be quiet.


Grab the feet.
The feet.

Okay, lift him.

Pull, pull, pull.

Lift him.

Damn, Antonio.
You heavy sack of shit.

I always wanted a sauna.
It's so...

- Healthy?
- Romantic.

If we get away with this,
I'll buy you seven of them.

Did you bring the machete?

Stand back.

And cover your eyes.

This could be unpleasant.

Hit him harder.

I know I have to hit him harder.

I was just testing.

- Shit! What a disaster.
- Are you hurt?

No. This is fucking useless.

Can I give it a try?


You shouldn't be here,
I told you.

Let me think.

There must be a way.
Something simple,

something clean, professional...

I worked 4 years for...

For the Gestapo?

For a butcher.

You're pretty handy with that...


The secret is
to hit the tendons.

To separate the bones.

Excuse me a second.

Are you ill?


I just get excited
watching you work.

First rule

of the slick murderer manual:
No body, no crime.

My first problem is solved.

Now for the second problem:
There's a witness.

All I have to do is reach out
and let it fall.

What? People die
everywhere every day.

You think world leaders

lose sleep over
their horrible crimes?

They sleep just fine. They don't
give a fuck. Only failure

wakes them up.
So go ahead.

You'll sleep like a baby.


The first problem is solved.

Now for the second problem.

What do you mean?
What problem?

Make love to me.

Lourdes, don't say that.

We have to go.

Nobody's coming and you know it.
We have three hours.

But we have to clean up.

I know everything
that went on in these beds.

I could even tell you
what you had for dinner.

Lourdes, please.
I'm not in the mood.

Try to understand.

We just hacked up a body
a minute ago.

What is it?
Don't you like me anymore?

This isn't just some fling!

It's murder, remember?

We're risking our lives.
We should be more careful.

Sure. I'm out of place here,

It's for the pretty girls.

The girls all men desire.
The "fine-looking babes."

Is that it?

Plenty of male chauvinists
out there would agree,

but some of us sensitive guys
value interior beauty,

and you've got plenty of that.

More than your share.
Tons of it.

Then prove it to me.

Life is absurd. Even worse.
Absurd and stupid.

Even absurd, stupid
and unpleasant.

But it's all we've got. And like
Aristotle said, "Don't worry,

be happy." Three months later,
after a rigid selection process,

I was named floor manager.

And the cops?

One day they got tired
of asking questions and...

vanished. Like the now legendary
Don Antonio.

Ricky from Sportswear

visits Cuba twice a year

and he said he saw him on the beach
surrounded by island girls.

Others say he's in Vegas
with Elvis,

but that's unlikely.

As long as they left me alone.

Yeah, that was me.

I had finally made it.

My dream had come true.

I was the Chosen One.

I'd returned from Hell
to reign over the Earth

and everyone loved me.

Sorry, I...
I didn't see you.

Can I have a word?


Fire her.

Fire her.




What for?

For doing absolutely nothing.

All she does is gossip.

And she smokes.

She gets on my nerves.

But she's very efficient,
and nice...

Nice? You mean you like her?

No, I didn't say that.

Don't lie. You fucked her.
Just like the others.

Well, that was before
you and I met.

Are you over it?

Of course.


I swear.

Then fire her.

Higher species
adapt to any situation,

no matter how hostile.

Survival makes us stronger,
and we end up imposing our will...

though on the surface
the opposite appears true.

Some may think she was using me
like a kleenex,

to relieve her sexual congestion.

That could be the case.

Lourdes extended her empire
across the ladies section.

She destroyed Men's Accessories
and took over Perfume.

The most amazing thing is,

sales increased 20 percent.

Perfect... perfect!

The clients felt better.

Next to these freaks,
anyone looked like Grace Kelly.

Am I a coward?

Yes, but I'm alive.

I'm floor manager.
And most importantly,

nobody knows about
me and Lourdes.

We have to talk.

Not now, sweetie.

The "Emidio Trucci" shirts
just came in.

Dinner at my parents' tonight.

- Dress snazzy.
- What?

Did you tell them about us?

Just that we're friends.

Jesus, don't you get it?

If the cops find out we're involved,
we lose our alibi.

Don't be melodramatic.

It's been months now.

We can't lower our guard.
We shouldn't be talking here.

11 at my place
and bring a bottle of wine.


Hold on.

How about somewhere neutral,

like a restaurant?

Don't be silly.
I've told my folks all about you.

It's like they knew you

a lifetime.

You're already like a member
of the family.


- More chick peas?
- No, thank you.

I'm full.
I've had two whole servings.

Indulge my mother.

She's been cooking all day.

Yeah, but...


I'd love another helping

of those delicious chick peas,

You aren't just saying that,
I hope.

Not at all.

They're the best chick peas
I've ever tasted in my whole life.

Even better than
the five-star restaurants.

I'm serious.
It has such a curious

little aftertaste...

Is that garlic?


Don't be fake. If you don't like it
just say so.

Look what you did.

You didn't have to overdo it.
My mother isn't stupid.

Your dad's not eating?

Can't you see he's asleep?

Is he on medication?

No. Why?

I can't eat. I'm pregnant.

She's 8 years old.

Pay no attention.

My gym teacher raped me.

Mother, please!
Don't encourage her.

Take me away, Lord!

Kids want attention.

You'll give your dad a heart attack!
I'll send you to reform school!

Mom's in denial.

Last week it was AIDS.
She chased us all around

- with a syringe.
- It's true. I have AIDS

and I'm 3 months pregnant.

I won't abort. I'm having it,
no matter what you say.

Where will you live

on a teacher's salary?
In the gym?

Drop it, Mother.
Eat your chick peas.

Go on, send me away. I'll open
the gas and blow the whole place.

Good! Kill me!

Kill me!

Kill me, if that's what you want!

Let's all calm down a bit, okay?

Here we go. Desiree,

how was your vacation?
Did you make friends?

Who's he?

Your sister's boyfriend.

Get out.

My name's Rafael.

I didn't ask you, clown.

Pretend she isn't there.

The shrink said to ignore her.

You'll pay for this,
you bastards.


Coffee, anyone?

Okay, breathe.
Ladies and gentlemen,

here we are.

Rodolfo's under the car.
We're going to surprise him.

Rodolfo, come out here.
You know why we're here.

Actually, I don't.

Someone has something
to tell you, Rodolfo.

- Very bad timing.
- Will you marry me?

That poor man!

Why poor?

I don't know.
All those cameras...

Encarni, what are you doing?
This is embarrassing.

I have a fuckload of work to do.

- Lourdes loves this show.
- Me, too.

Marry me.

I'm sure it's great.

But getting married

so suddenly,
with no time to think...

If women always

had to wait for men to decide,
where would we be?

Take my husband...

We know the story.

It's true. I had to get
your father drunk

first. But just look

how happy we are now.

I need you.

Honey, this is a personal moment.
Of course I want to marry you.

Men never know
what they want.

Rafa does. He wants me.

Then why wait?
You two should get married.

Mini teapots!

Mini porcelain teapots.

My father collects them.

- Teapots?
- No, little things.

Come, you won't believe it.

He spends hours locked in here
with his collections.

He has them all.
All the ones sold on TV.

Look how pretty.

"Miniature Venetian masks."

Aren't they adorable?

It can't be.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

It's this collection.

"Decorated eggs."

I always wanted this.

I'm just a fool,

surrounded by a storm
of thunder and fury.

Just look at him.

You think he's suffering?

He's totally unaware.
Oblivious to the horror.

He's lost everything.
All that's left is sleep. Emptiness.

But that's not the worst of it.

The worst part is
I'm actually starting to like him.

Stop, stop, stop.

Lourdes didn't have to get me drunk
to get what she wanted.

Smile like a fiend!

Okay, stop.



Lourdes, for God's sake.

It became like a twisted game
with one single rule:

Either I did exactly
as she said,

or she'd call the police.

Everything slowly faded
into an endless tunnel.

Turn back!
Danger approaches!

- Are you having fun?
- Yeah, yeah.



- Who was that?
- Nobody.


- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

Hide for a second.
Quick, get down.

- There's no room!
- Come on, just for a second.



What's up?

What are you doing here?

Nothing, just hanging out.

- Rafa.
- What?

- Listen...
- Bye!


Are you crazy?
You almost suffocated me.

We have to get off.

- What? Wait till it stops.
- Shut up.


- What?
- I said jump!

There must be an exit
around here.

Come on, damnit.

Hey, you can't be here.

- It's dangerous.
- Just 5 minutes.

5 minutes my ass!
Get a motel.

- Don't push me.
- Come on, Rafa.

I just need to wait 5 minutes!
Is that so hard to understand?


Watch out!

Help me!

Honey, are you okay?

I told you it was dangerous.

Damn kid!

What are they doing?

Damn kid!

Talk to me, my love.

Say something.

Be careful with him.

Did you have a nice weekend?

Yes, I did.

Yeah, I heard.

What did you hear?

No, nothing...

just that you got run over...

in the Ghost Train.

Yeah, shit happens.

What a coincidence that Lourdes
was there to help you out.

So? Jaime was there, too.

Oh, right. He was there with
his two little girls.

Whom were you with?

I was alone.

Alone? At a theme park?

Yes, alone!

It was a coincidence, okay?
I had no idea she'd be there!

- You got that?
- Fine, take it easy.

I was just asking.

Alonso, where are you going?
We were talking.

I go to movies alone, too!



I need to get out of here.

Pardon me?

I want a plane ticket.
To anywhere. What have you got?

There's a cheap flight
to Brazil next week.

Too late.
How about today?

Today? Nothing.

Well, there's a flight
to Puerto Rico leaving

at 9 PM.

- You see? Perfect.
- Name?

Rafael Gonzalez.

Guess who was just in here.

Are you crazy?

Lourdes, I...

Shut up.

- It's not what you think.
- You were leaving without me.

We've been together
so much lately,

I thought a little break...

We're united forever.

Don't you get it?

Stop, Lourdes.
Just drop it.

I've had enough.
It's over between us.

"Between us."
It sounds awful.

You're not going anywhere.

Is that a threat?


If I leave,
you'll tell the police?


Remember, you're the one

who hacked up the body

like some damn
psychotic butcher.

I'd rather go to prison.
Take my word

for it, Rafa.

I won't let you go.
Over my dead body.

Go on, get out!

What are you waiting for?

You're crazy!

You hear me!
Your whole family is nuts!

She won't do it.
There's no fucking way.


No, no, no.

She won't do it.

She's going in,
she's going in...

She's going in.
Son of a bitch.

Why's he here?

Are you together?

Yes, he's my boyfriend.
We're getting married.


I suppose that's not
why you're here...

Are those your kids?

Yes. I have seven.
They hate me.


How should I know? They live
with their mom. We broke up.

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

I thank the Lord every day for
having escaped from that nightmare.

I didn't want kids.

But while I'd brush
my teeth at night

she'd make little holes
in the condoms.

But tell me,
why are you here?

It's about a purse.

What purse? That one?

This one? No, another one.
One that was stolen from me.

You said not to hesitate

in coming
if anything happened.

I'd need a description.

Of who?

Of the bag.

Size, color, brand...

And a list of contents.

Just my credit card
and cell phone.

- That's all?
- Silly,

isn't it?


And sorry to bother you.

Don't mention it.
Come back if you need to talk,

no matter how silly

it may seem.

Relax, I didn't tell him.

Thank you.

Tell me you love me.

Say it right now.

I love you.

At that moment
I realized that Hell is real,

as is the devil.

He wears a skirt
and a cream-colored bra.

You fucking asshole!
Always taking my newspapers!

There's a point where sanity
gives way to depression.

Then depression fades,
and neurosis begins.

And finally, in the most extreme
cases, like in war, or death camps,

the subject becomes

his mind breaks apart

and he can no longer
distinguish what is real

from what isn't.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing, I'm fine.

I need to rest. I'm okay.
Just tired, that's all.

Get it over with. Kill her.
Don't be a coward.

Don Antonio.

This isn't right. You're dead.
You can't talk to me.

You did this to me,

You only exist in my brain.
Please, go back to my brain.

Kill her. You have to kill her.
You should have months ago.

Lay off.
Killing isn't easy.

That's a good one!
Need I remind you?

Your death was an accident.

But you were responsible
and you benefited.

You're floor manager now, right?
That's what you wanted.

An accident, nothing more.

You're sick, Rafael.

Kill her before it's too late.
Stop imagining it and do it.

Thinking isn't a crime.

Aren't you the one who said
that we think too much?

Hey, don't turn your back

on me when I'm speaking,


take those shirts downstairs.

And stop laughing!

Who, me?

Yes, you!

All of you!

You think I don't realize? You laugh
behind my back. You're all in on it!

Help me, Lord!

Help me!

Five and action!

What are you doing?
Take that off.

Rafael Gonzalez, I presume.

This isn't happening.

You aren't real.

A typical response, Rafael.

Just relax.
Take a deep breath

and answer this question.

Will you marry me?

Take your time, Rafael.

But not too long.
6 million people are watching.

We don't want them
to change channels.


Julian, our baby's
getting married!

Well, I...

Actually, I...

you and I have become...

very intimate, and...

Don't say it! Don't say it!

I lo...

I lo...

I lo...

You want to kill her!

Please, not on TV!
Leave me alone!

Excuse me, Rafael.
This is live TV.

Are you trying to say

that you won't marry Lourdes?

No, no.

I didn't say that.

It's just...
This isn't how I imagined it.

She's roped you, she's got you
by the balls and she's squeezing!

Don't let her get away with it!

Look at her,
about to burst into tears.

Don't give up!
Not now!


Rafael! Rafael!


Will you kill her? Yes or no?
Will you kill her?



In God's name, I will!


There you have it.
Love conquers all.

We'll be back
after the commercials.

It's Campoy. Remember the witness
in the Fraguas case?

Yeah, the ugly one.
She just got married on TV.

Guess whom to?
Amazing, isn't it?

She seemed so harmless.

Suspects? No fucking way.
Those two are guilty.

I have to do it.

I have to do it.

I have to do it.

There's no turning back.

I have to do it.

We need a plan.
A perfect plan.

Something mathematic. An equation
with two unknown elements.

Space and time.

Where and when.


- Come to bed.
- I'm coming, sweetheart.

Boys and girls,

it's time to start thinking about
a gift for Father's Day.

Don't forget to visit

our menswear department.



It's perfect with a P,
not with an F.

Is the price right?

But it says "ferpect."

Probably a mistake.

There can be no cracks.





Ferpect Crime.



Close your eyes.

What do you think?

Unhappy clowns!

Girls love them.
We can start a trend.

Clown Fashion.

Do you get the concept?

Bright colors, baggy pants,
bow ties, oversized shoes...

It's original.

Prepare a file
for the Board tomorrow.

It'll knock them dead!

I'm sure it will.

Coming to bed?

I was watching TV.

Well, don't be too long.
I need my

foot massage.

My feet hurt
from running around so much.

I'll be right with you.

And we'll make love after.

You know I can't sleep
without making love first.

Sure, baby.


Not ferpect, not ferpect...

Crime, no.

Not ferpect...

Not ferpect...

Not ferpect...


What's wrong?
You're acting weird.

Who, me?
You think so?

You've changed.

You never liked going out,
especially on Sundays.

I love Sundays.
Sideshows, bumper cars...

A ferris wheel!

No, I'm tired.

Come on, the views are great.
Let's go!

- I don't feel well.
- What are you afraid of?

Go on, lean out a bit.
Get some fresh air.

I don't like heights.
Why bring me here?

To check something.



That we're a normal couple,
that we can go out

and have fun
like everyone else.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

Get rid of you?

Me, get rid of you?

How could you think
such a thing?

- I drive you crazy...
- No.

- I'm too possessive.
- No.

Not at all.
You just have a strong character.

The wedding was so sudden...


It was natural.
A wonderful act of madness.

When will we have a baby?

What for?

I mean,

why have only one?
Why not three, while we're at it?

Or four?

Only children get so lonely.
I hated it.

I never had anyone
to play soccer with.

Meanwhile, take a look

at that family over there.
So happy.

I'm so jealous.


Down there.

Lean out a bit.

Lourdes, what have you done?

She'll fall!

Look out! Look out!

Grab her hand!

Grab her!

What are you doing?

She'll fall!

You schmuck!

Help me!


Grab her!

Watch out!

It's okay,
it was nothing.

Just a fright, that's all.

Thank God I was here
to protect you.

- Looking for someone?
- Yes.

- The man who sits in there.
- Campoy? He's not here.

Know when he'll be back?


They don't explain. Besides, it's
a disaster. They all get arrested

in the end.

Because it's a movie, stupid.

It's made to dissuade people.

In real life the bad guys win.

What we have to do

is turn the tables on her.

Listen to this,
it's crucial.

It has to look like one thing

when it's actually something
totally different.

Turn the tables on her.

That's the secret.

At Yeyo's you can reserve
your toys in advance

and start paying in February.

Careful, Mr. Floor Manager.


What's up?
Problems with the elevator?

No, it works just fine.
They just like being pampered,

- that's all.
- Don't we all?


What are you doing?

Nothing, my love.

These posters need to be changed.

They're from last season.

- Follow that car.
- Right away.

I don't get it.

She's following him.

They're trying to confuse us.

Could you please come with me?
I'm afraid to go alone.

I have to go to Aluche.

Name your price.

I was on my way home for dinner,
to Aluche.

- 20 euros for 5 minutes.
- Okay, but make it snappy.

There. Can I go now?
I have to go to...

Aluche, I know.
What the hell is he doing?

He's jumping up and down
on a diving board.

- But the pool's empty!
- At least he's not cheating on you.

They're right here
in front of me.

He's jumping up and down
on a diving board.

And she's eavesdropping on him.

This is much more complex
than we thought.

It all fits.

This bridge belonged to Antonio
Fraguas. There's no doubt about it.

You've got it?
You're the best.

Shut up.
Why are you dressed like that?

How should I know?
Who knows what's in your head.

Tell me, Bluebeard. Sex fiend.
You're a sex fiend.

My lips are sealed.

Keeping secrets, eh?

Telling you
would ruin everything.

After all I've done for you.

It's a subtle plan.

Sounds complicated to me.

You can't read my mind,
and I refuse to argue with you.

Good boy! The right hand can't know
what the left is doing.

Trust not even yourself.

I like it.

It's paranoid, but I like it.
We have our ferpect crime!

J-Box console
and 10 video games,

only 50 euros.

Only at Yeyo's.

Come on, have a look.

What do you think?
I bought it this morning.

It must have cost a fortune.

Oh, that doesn't matter

I know I haven't been
the perfect husband.

I had trouble accepting things
at first, but...

We made it this far, right?

Forgive me, I was foolish.

I don't know what came over me.

I've always wanted you
so badly to think of me.

Every hour.

Every minute, every passing second,
I think of you.

This is so romantic.

There are too many people around.

Step inside.


Why not?

- What if they hear us?
- Impossible.

It's totally soundproof.


Rafa! You're a dead man!

You hear me?
You're a dead man!

They're planning something.
48 hours?

Tell him to forget it.

Call the judge.
Questioning them will be enough.


African Furniture Week,

the most exotic items
to adorn your home.

Available at Yeyo's.

And remember,
always the best price.


There's a fire at the department
store. Security just called.

You want a big family, eh?

You can't hurt me, Lourdes.

No? Why's that?

You're in love with me.

Are we getting romantic?

Kiss me.

I'd rather you hacked me up
like you did Antonio.

You think I'm a bad person?

You think I'm a lying bastard?
Next to you I'm Heidi!

You pretend you're nice
because you have to,

then jump at any chance to take out
all your accumulated rage on someone!

The police will be here
any second.

Good! Let them come!
Let them all come!

Call your mother and sister.
I miss them.

I die to be seen with you,
you die if you're seen with me.

It's the same in the end.

You turned me into
a normal person.

Just another one
of the million fools

with a mediocre,
ordinary life,

surrounded by kids
and supermarkets.

I never wanted to be that.
I wanted to be... elegant.

Kill me!
I'm in your head.

Don't you realize?

You can kill me,
but you'll never forget me!

You're ugly, Lourdes.
Very ugly.

It's not your fault.
But it's not mine, either!

It's the world we live in
that makes me hate you.

People, magazines,

TV... How many people like you
get to host TV programs?

Seen many ugly girls
riding in Ferraris?

Or kissing cyclists?

That's not what you really think.

It isn't? It's what
we all think, sunshine!

The whole world. We're raised to,
whether we like it or not.


There must be someone
who's different!



You want proof?
Let's ask this man over here.

Don't shoot!
She's nervous!

Hands in the air!

She kept saying it.
"Fire purifies the soul."

That it was St. Augustine.

That's a lie!

- Liar!
- Hands together.

Both of you.

Why me first?

Who cares?
I have to start with someone.

You see?

What did I tell you?

Somebody help!

Now to Madrid.
The fire at the department store.

Apparently the fire was set
by one of its presumed victims,

Rafael Gonzalez,
whose remains have yet to be found.

Police sources commented that

the high temperatures
caused by burning materials

could wipe out all traces
of any organic life form.

This happened...


The good thing is that in big cities
nobody cares if you live or die.

A slight change of image
was enough to start a new life.

It was hard at first,
I admit.

But after two years of hard work,
I finally have my own business.

I've tried to create
a stylish atmosphere

where I can offer
personalized assistance.

If all goes well, next year
I'll open my second tie shop

in a shopping center in Aluche.
After that, who knows?

I haven't seen her.

I didn't have the guts to kill her,
but it's the result that counts.

I turned the tables.

I don't exist. I'm dead to her,
I'm dead to the police.

I'm finally free.

That's the secret:
Know thyself,

like Descartes said.
Or was it Socrates?

Some people seek a better world.
This one's fine with me.

I have what I want
Look around me.

Things are going well.
Better than well.

Things are... ferpect.

This won't last.
It's a passing fad.

- You think?
- Two months, three tops.

Like pleated pants and shoulder pads.
People get tired of them.

Ties. Ties for men.

- Not quite.
- It'll be a hit, you'll see.

They're taking off in Paris.
Versace told me.

- Versace's dead.
- Exactly.

He's friends with Balenciaga, who
was from my hometown. We hang out.

And... how about socks?

Did Versace mention socks?

We didn't get into that.
I'll ask him next time I see him.

- See what he says.
- Okay.