El-Baydha Wal Hagar (1990) - full transcript

Tamido Production and Distribution


- Dear me!
- Shut up, you witch

- What is it?
- I don't know

- What's going on?
- Beats me

- Oh, non!
- Shut up, ladies

All you want is to scream

What is happening?

I don't know really

- What's going on?
- I said, shut up

- Help us
- Oh, what misery!

This is one big catastrophe

Somebody help us!

Zibakh Elteeby

If you don't like it, leave

Well, we'll never be any poorer

Who do you think you are?
We've signed rental contracts

We pay rent, just like any
fat-pig-tenant in any apartment

Watch your big mouth, washing girl!

I swear, if you don't shut up

I'll bang your skull with a bar
and wail over your dead body

Dear me!

Get out of the way

Dear me!

Oh dear...

Police, help us, please

- What's going on here?
- This man wants to ruin us

- He wants to bring us down
- He wants to spoil our lives

He wants to turn us into faggots

They want to deter me from opening
a room that I own

This room is haunted, sir

May God protect us from
evil spirits

- Go away, spirits
- Don't get angry

See these superstitious dimwits?

Shut up, all of you!
Ask permission to speak

- Listen to me, sir
- And who might you be?

I am Om Tarouta,
an ancient tenant here

I've lived on this roof for
thirty years...

when Sharnoub Shousha owned
the building

Oh my! Will you tell the story
of your life, Ma?

Be brief

In brief, someone was killed
in that very room 25 years ago

He was massacred... torn to pieces

- The blood covered the walls
- The blood covered the walls?

It was left empty for ten years

We'd hear voices
and see real crazy stuff

The only person able to inhabit it
was Zibakh Elteeby

He knew the underworld

He communicated with the spirits
there and they co-existed

He protected us from their evils

I beg you, sir, don't open the room

I'm a lonely woman,
my shadow spooks me

Oh, my! Open the room?!

I'm willing to pay the rent
until Zibakh is back

Was Zibakh the previous tenant?

He was a sorcerer, he lived
there without a contract

A year ago, he left and I got a police
permit to re-possess the room

- Where is the permit?
- I have it with me

Here you go

- Open the door
- Oh, no!

Policemen serve and protect,

they don't mess up and wreck!

Oh dear!

What are you waiting for?
Open the door!

My eyes!

Take cover

Hocus Pocus

Screenplay: Mahmoud Abu Zeid

They heard the word,
from the chanting bird

This world is full of wonders

Some people toil all their lives

And others simply juggle
eggs and rocks

Starring: Ahmed Zaki

Maaly Zayed

Mamdouh Wafy

Ahmed Ghanem

And: Mahmoud El-Sabaa

Those who strived and endured

Were called greedy slugs

And those who stole and
stacked piles of money

Were treated with respect

Those who were content

Were treated with contempt

And those who raided and pinched

Are now filthy rich

They heard the word,
from the chanting bird

This world is full of wonders

Some people toil all their lives

And others simply juggle
eggs and rocks

Editing: Hussein Afifi

Cinematographer: Said Sheemy

Produced by: Medhat El-Sherif

Directed by: Aly Abd El-Khaleq

- Excuse me, please
- Yes, sir

Where is the real estate
broker here?

- Sitting over there
- Thanks

You haven't found a tenant
for that room for 6 months

Everybody is afraid to live there

Afraid of what?
We read the whole Koran there

and we renovated and redecorated it

- Good morning
- Hello

One moment, sir, please be seated

We have to find a tenant
by any means

They all heard about what
happened to your eyes

That was acute keratitis

From the hot pepper

that the tenants had thrown
on the door

to prevent the spirits from
leaving the room

Damn them!

I hope you get better soon

I will not take any rent from
its tenant until he settles in

I hope we do find a tenant

If we don't, then it will be
a big shame for all of Egypt

It'll be living proof of our

and of our poor cultural
and educational standards

- Long live educational standards!
- Who might you be?

I will save the face of
our educational system

You will like the room, I'm sure

We are honored by your visit

- This way
- After you

I didn't catch your name

Mostataa El-Taazy,
high school teacher

- What do you teach?
- Philosophy and Sociology

Greetings to the man of science

The man of enlightened thought
and good comportment

Please, come in

Oh, my!

- What is it, gal?
- Ugly creatures on a sunny day

- Who are you talking about?
- The landlord. He's opening the room

Who's that guy with him?

A gullible tenant

- Wail, gal
- Oh, dear!

Agony knocks on our doors!

Shut up, you stupid washing girl!

A dog may bark in my face

but I'm no dog to bark back

All they need is tails and
they'll turn into mules!!

Did he bring you here without
telling you the truth?

A man was killed in that room
and his ghost is still at large

Is this ghost good or evil?

May God protect us from
evil spirits

- A genie
- Oh, now that's reassuring


Genies are easier to live with, Miss

- Miss?
- Sorry if I'm mistaken

No, I'm still a "Miss"

Ignore these riffraff and let's go

Regretfully, you'll share
a bathroom with the beasts

- What?
- Other people on the roof

I will not take rent from you
for two months

until you settle in and make sure
it isn't haunted

- How long?
- Two months

- No good
- How is that?

What are you thinking?
Living here is risky

Who knows what will become of me?

You're the personification of
enlightment and science

Any other person would have
asked for life insurance

- if he considered this place...
- Well, take your time

I'm traveling to have my eyes healed,
after that we'll talk

I'll take my lute and suitcase,
tomorrow I'll come back for the books

- Why don't you ever settle down?
- Look for another roommate

I won't pay an extra penny
to the landlady

She has a good reason,
look at inflation rates

If the price of an object rises,
I renounce it

Thus it becomes cheaper to me,
however high its price is

No furnished flats goes for less

A room on a roof is sufficient

- Have some shame
- I resist inflation by renunciation

If one of my needs becomes out of
reach, I search for an alternative


- I'll pay 120 and you pay 80
- All I make is 96 pounds

No one makes it on their salary alone

- How then?
- Be artful

What you pinch, you reap

Give private lessons,
give out notes to the students

- That is against rules
- Rules were made to be broken

Thieves play hide and seek,
and bullshit is the magic word!

- What did you say?
- Preacher or pimp, money is what counts

I swear you are a clown!

I've never heard a journalist say
hide and seek and limp pimp

I appreciate my peace of mind,
I'm not into sleazy pranks

Have you ever seen a ghost?

I've heard of people who have
seen them

I challenge you to find anyone
who saw, they just heard fibs

- It is all superstition
- You always argue

All religions touched on such issues

Religion doesn't say a dead man's
soul spooks the living

There's a difference between
being dead and being murdered

If the soul of a murder victim kills
me, my soul will kill it back!

Cut that out

- Are you a musician?
- I'm a teacher

- What about that lute then?
- It is food for the soul

Soul! God protect us

- Tell me
- Yes?

- Is the room really haunted?
- That's none of my business

Don't keep me in the dark

Look, my knees are wobbly already

You wait and see

- Have you seen anything?
- It's sunny at night

What do you mean?

When the moon is in the sky,
you find the room sunny

So it's sunny in there now?

That was long ago,
before Zibakh lived there

Back then, the walls would
ooze with blood


As long as we keep the vow
made by Zibakh,

it's okay

- Vow?
- All the neighbors keep it


Incense burnt and dues paid on time

That will prevent the evil,
don't worry

How relieving!

- Goodbye, man
- Goodbye

A cat jumped in,
and back out again, very normal

Loud western music,
nothing unusual there

Don't give in to delusions

Being deluded is to stick to
a faulty idea

He who fears ghosts is bound to
see them...

I am not scared

I am not scared

I am not scared

What's there to fear?

Those who get scared are deceived
by their own eyes

I am not scared

He who fears ghosts is bound
to see them

They will spook him,
drain life out of him

No drug for that ailment

But I am not scared

- Fear is only...
- My God!

the key to all misfortune

Oh, what a mess!

What a mess!


Fear fogs our brains

And increases our pains

Cast away, evil spirits

He's singing to the cat-ghost

Ever since I saw him,
I knew he was a clone of Zibakh

What's there to fear?

Those who get scared are deceived
by their own eyes

By their own eyes

And, boy, am I scared!

Oh, woe to me!

Talk about bad luck

Once unlucky, twice unfortunate

I'm afraid to give you my heart

You'll play hard to get

And if I hide my love from you

My eyes give me away

What is it?

In the name of God, what's that?

Now that's unusual!

- One more blow
- Keep your voice down

We have to scare him away tonight

What more can I do?
I'm out of breath

Give it another blow, let him get
scared, maybe he hasn't felt it yet

Give it to me

You blow, I'm breathless

I don't blow, boy, I pull the strings

Well, pull the hose before
he finds us

- Let's scare him away first
- I think he fell asleep

Who did it attack this time?

If you pull any more cheap tricks,
I'll rip your eyes off

I will turn you into roaches
and squash you

Oh, God! Are you one of the masters?

If I weren't a master, would I have
taken the room, you lame crooks?

So you know?

I see and hear all

I will kill you if you rip off
any of the neighbors again

We repent, master

Forgive us, your holiness

Go, go

So you are into sleazy pranks?

If someone fools me, I fool them
and if they hit me, I devour them

- You are incredible
- Give me the defeater

What' s that?

Defeater of strength and the
alternative to marriage

- What a tough wife!
- You're the wimp

- You up there on the roof!
- What?

- Go slow on the water
- Yes, I'll close the tap a little

I've been in the loo for an hour,
I'll suffocate

- Wosool?
- Yes?

The people in flat 4 are unhappy
with your new prices

How am I supposed to fix
my washing machine then?

- What do I tell them?
- That everything's become expensive

Why should laundry be cheaper?
Maybe cleanliness doesn't matter

What a vile language

Laundry and pressing go hand in hand,

my price is the same as theirs

Do you want a quarter of a pound
for each shirt, you money-hound?

Leave it altogether

Let them press their clothes unwashed

Like they say: "Don't fancy
being clean

Walk around stinky and mean!"

You animals on the roof!

I'll call the police if you don't
close the tap

They'll pull out that water pump
you installed

You rogues!

Have a heart, sir. We're doing your
filthy laundry up here after all

May God protect us from
evil spirits

- I'm all wet now
- I'll be damned!

- I was going for a shower anyway
- Excuse me, your holiness

- My holiness?
- Please forgive me

- Cast away evil spirits
- You are very funny

Give me your clothes
and I'll wash them for you

Never mind, I like to wash
my clothes by myself

- Wash while I'm around?
- God bless your hands

Your clothes will bless my washing
basin, oh master!

Are you one of those who
wake up drenched in water?

- Who is that?
- Tarouta, our neighbor

- What does he do?
- Dye, curl and roll

- What?
- Dye, curl and roll

Tarouta is a well-known hairdresser

Hairdresser! God bless!

Tell me, Mr. Whoever-you-are,
are you really possessed?

Cast away evil spirits

What a thing to ask!

He's our neighbor,
we have to know his flavor

I'd love to know your flavor

I'm vanilla white, the best around

Tarouta is like that, he sweet-talks
his customers all the time

- Very sweet
- Looks like a mean neighbor

What's wrong with that man?

His mother was dying to have a son

To protect him from the evil eye,

she dressed him like a girl
till he was 9

It's not his fault then

Two more years and his body would
have developed bends and curves

You are hilarious, your holiness

Social adaptation is coping
with what one has

and is present in one's surrounding

- Question, please
- Yes, Dahy

If the surrounding environment
is corrupt,

- how can one cope?
- By taking dope!

That goes in movies,
not in Sociology, idiot!

Sit down, Dahy

One must use one's brain to
defend oneself from corruption

How will one's brain defend?

It should control your urges
and regulate your needs

- How to control urges?
- By cutting down on things

- So, we don't eat?
- We eat but sensibly

Man is a consumer by nature

But if consumption rates
surge to the rate of greed

then, his life goes berserk

He will feel enormous anxiety,
conflicts and perversions

He will lose his taste
for the items he strives for

- Excuse me, sir
- Yes? Sit down

So if there is a plate of beans and
platter of salad, do I eat only one?

Young man, eat whatever comes
in your way..

Hush, boys

because you're a good boy


Life is not about stuffing your belly

A lot of people die of over eating
but no one dies of hunger

Are you Ghandi or the authority
of malnutrition?

- What's going on?
- Sales dropped because of you

- The school shop will go bankrupt
- Thanks to your greed

Who said you can sell sandwiches
and soda to students-

at touristic prices?

- What is it to you?
- Answer him, boys

- This is public exploitation
- Dodgy manipulation

- Out of reach, out of mind
- Is that so?

- What do you think?
- This is sabotage

The principal, who's on the take,
will hear about this!

Give him my best regards

We must put an end
to the philosophy teacher

Oh, damn him.
What has he done now?

A new predicament every day.
He is a communist, sir

- What?
- Believe me

He spatters and spews..


Left-winged talk,
extra-curricular discussions

- What kind of discussions?
- Consumption and value

- That red communist bogus!
- Damn it!

A rich man is one who can give up
the biggest amount of possessions

not one who will buy them

Be realistic! What can you give up?

Providing essentials is hard enough

Alternatives do exist,
and life is easy

You ride an old bike
in the middle of traffic

You're a teacher, studying for
a Ph.D in philosophy

You cheapskate!

My bike gets me here
before people in cars do

So a bike is alternate
means of transportation

What about your defeater as
an alternative to marriage?

Both beat the hell out of me

You've become the laughing
stock of the community

- Why, brother?
- Damn this brotherhood

You've brought shame
to the whole family

I just thought I'd give you
my new address

A room up on a roof?
Have you forgotten who you are?

Let go of your unjustified snobbery

All your grandfather left you was
a father, and he's dead!

Your father died and left you
a big house

In a slum, built in the 1800's
and it collapsed

- Where do you want me to live?
- You were in a rented flat

It became out of reach, so..

You abandoned it. Nonsense!

That's as much as I can afford,
what should I do?

Do like everyone else

- Should I become a crook?
- That would be more honorable

Ma, the good-looking boy is
at the door

All flashy and shiny

Shall I close the door, Ma?

Or shall I let him in?

Ma, the good-looking boy is
at the door

I'll close the door.
Ladies are everywhere

We see a lot on the streets

But here, I can zoom in

Ma, the pretty girl is at the door

Come, defeater!

How hard it is to stick
to principles these days!

If we stop collecting dues,

the tenants will know we were crooks

And if we collect them,
that creep will blow our cover

Blessed were the days of Zibakh

Yeah, those were the good old days

Help me. My son is under
a magic spell

Zibakh is away,
he will never be back

Where did he go?
Tell me, please, where he is

- I said I don't know
- Why don't you let her go upstairs?

- To whom?
- To Master Taazy

- Where can I find him?
- In Zibakh's old room

He is a blessed man,
he will set you at ease

Don't tell him that we sent you

- Why not?
- He has a few followers only

He's very picky, go to him,
maybe he'll help

Thank you so much

- What did you do that for?
- Bait, dumbhead


If he falls for it, we'll kick him
around like we did with Zibakh

And if he doesn't?

Then he knows nothing about
magic, he's harmless to us

Your holiness, please have mercy on me

Holiness? I am not into
that kind of business

For the sake of all the Holy Masters,
please help me

My only son, the only thing
I got from this world...

- What's with him?
- Spellbound against his wife

They've been married for 2 month
and nine days, with no intimacy

Poor son, he cries all night

And she sits there wailing
over her bad luck

And all I can do is slap myself

Your son needs professional help

Nothing wrong with his health.
He's as sound as a bell

- Good God!
- Please help me

- Try to understand me
- Take this

What is this?

100 pounds up front, and whatever
you ask for you'll get it

You are inviting me to steal you

God forbid! I beg you,
please help me

Please don't. Oh, God!

Okay, I accept

Thank you

- How old is your son?
- Almost thirty

- And his wife?
- Twenty-five

Where do you live?

In Abdeen, Number 5, Khomeisy Street

You go on home, and I will
pay you a visit

- God bless you
- Thank you

- Any requirements?
- You insist on spending money?

All for the sake of my son,
I want this spell undone

One and a half kilo of kebab
with salads

Sure thing

- And four stuffed pigeons
- Done

- And five bottles of beer
- Beer?

Yes, my underworld assistants
are alcoholics

Whatever you say, your holiness

- Buy what's written here
- From the herbalist?

- No, from the pharmacy
- Okay

- We want to cure him right
- May God grant you His blessings

Your son and his wife must
meet me unsullied

They are always unsullied,
your holiness


Drink, this beer is non-alcoholic

So what if it has a little
bit of alcohol in it?

Drink away

I assure you that your knots
have been undone

The spell has been burnt
and thrown into the sea

- Really?
- Yes

The rest is up to you

Treat your wife as if she were
your lover

- What do you do?
- I work in a café

Treat her as one of your customers

Don't you always try
to please your customers?

- Yes
- Then, please her

Sweet-talk your way with her

Flirt with her

- How?
- I'll tell you how

Hey, beautiful, he wants you
for a second

Don't bother yourself, my pretty
wife, lady of all ladies

Everything is going to be fine

I'm starting to feel powerful

Get up, girl, hurry

God created all women beautiful

You have to be pretty from
the inside as well as the outside

Become beautiful, O daughter of Eve

You are the source of life
and the well of happiness

I swear by lovely Venus of Greece

and by Camelia, the belle
of Egyptian Cinema..

be soft and tender

By the power of the immortal
tender beauties

Soad, Naglaa and Mervat Amin

Peace be with you


God grant you happiness,
your holiness

- What is this?
- A little something

I don't accept money

until after the results are good
and working for six months

God grant you a long life

Handcuffs are easier than illusions

Spells are not illusions

They are illusions to the mind,
and the solution is in our hands

So you undid the spell with
that hocus pocus you did?

Give me a break

I directed them to the causes
of frigidity between couples

in the same way sorcerers
speak and act

How do you know how sorcerers act?

Hey, I'm wet all over,
mind the potatoes!

Don't doubt my knowledge again

Sorcerers' success depends on
two things

His self-confidence and how
much people believe in him

This is not your buisness

Why put your nose in such

I won't leave you this time


I'm really concerned and you are
interrupting my thoughts


The experiences I've studied on the
roof since I moved in that room

made me change the topic
of my thesis

So, you're giving Plato the slip?

Yes, to tackle an issue of public

Philosophy must be used to serve
the society

So what's the new topic?

Homo sapien's perplexity between
science and superstition

- Thanks
- You're welcome

Yes, sir

Your name isn't on this
month's payroll, Mr. Mostataa

What do you mean?

That you won't be paid

Why not?

- Mr. Mostataa Taha El-Taazy
- Yes, sir

Are you teaching students
the principles of communism?

What are the principles of

Just answer YES or NO

- This is a formal investigation
- No

Are you urging the students
to practice asceticism,

Sufism and carrying weapons?

Weapons? Is there a Sufi communist?

Please, just answer the questions

- I live by principles
- Principles?

I resist inflation by renunciation

Confesses to living by principle

Is this a set up?

The complaints submitted by your
peers and superiors are serious

- You threaten national security
- I'm a threat to national security?

I am a very law-abiding citizen,
a nobody in the community

Say that to the D.A. and National
Security Investigations and-

others monitoring your activities

My activities?

You are suspended from your job
until the investigations are over

- Take this
- God forbid! I'm not begging

Then why did you come to me?

I want you to find me any job
until this crisis is over

What job can I find you with
your "philosophy"?

You would have been better off
apprenticing with a mechanic

That way, you would still be sane!

Thank you, Assy

- Bye
- Bye

What joy you've given us,
your holiness

We're now extremely joyous

Your blessings have flooded us,
your holiness

Oh, how blissful and fortunate
we have become

- What is it?
- We are blissful thanks to you

Kiss the master's hand

God bless you, your holiness

- Where is your bride?
- At the ladies' barber

I got her a membership card there
so that she always looks pretty

And you?

Thank God, we take a shower
every day

The way you treat her is the key

that will protect you from
envy and evil spells

- God bless you
- This is a small gift

What's all this? I told you
I don't accept gifts

It's just a small gift,
please don't let me down

Our Prophet accepted
gifts from his followers

- Praised be the Prophet
- Shall I take the basket in?

Put it down, and go downstairs!

- Good evening, your holiness
- Good evening

- May I have a word with you?
- Please, come in

- What are all these books?
- I am practicing for my thesis

Please, don't practice your
witchcraft now!

I get petrified, please

I meant, preparing a doctorate

So what kind of doctor will you be?

A doctor in philosophy,
do you know what that is?

Of course I do! You don't think
I'm illiterate, do you?

I even flunked fifth grade
three times!

Bravo, if you'd flunked one more time,
you would've passed

- You are so funny, your holiness
- You are sweet, too

Thank you

So where is one's philosophy?

You know, like if one's
philosophy hurts,

- where would the pain be?
- In the head

Oh, God forbid!

I wish I hadn't dropped out of school,
I would've become a big shot

To hell with schools!
You're a lot better off as you are


My late father was a big gardener

It shows, he planted a very
beautiful trunk

God bless you

When he got richer,
he fell for a playgirl

She squandered his money
and devastated us

My mother couldn't take it
and she died of misery

And so I left school and worked
so as not to starve

- That's respectful
- But loneliness is ugly

My stepmother condemned me to
because I refused to marry her son

How did she do that?

She cast a spell so I won't marry

Don't say that

You're very beautiful, any man
would love to marry you

They make me look like a monkey
in the eyes of my suitors!

- Who are "they"?
- Cast away evil spirits

Any suitor either has an accident
and runs away from me-

- or sees me a monkey
- That is nonsense

My stepmother, may she burn in hell,

cast a spell on a string
with multiple knots

and buried it under an ant's toenail

An ant?

And this ant is roaming the earth,
nowhere to be found

Your holiness, I beseech you,
help me

I will help you, on one condition

Your wish is my command

Forget about this ant business,
it's nonsense

Marriage is a matter of destiny

My destiny's under an ant's toenail

Your destiny depends on your conduct,

the way you behave

Men will always run away
if you're edgy and tense

Will incantations calm me down?

- What are you saying?
- What do I do then?

Highlight your feminine side.
Always be soft, gentle and tender

Oh, golly!

Believe me, the solution
is in your own hands

You have undone everybody's spells,
but not mine?

There is no spell cast on you

You think I won't pay your earnings?

- Earnings?
- I am a big spendthrift

Ask all the sorcerers about me

So you've visited them all, eh?

I'm sorry I ever came to you

"Close at hand, but won't lend
a helping hand"

Take it easy. You want
to get married, don't you?

- I need to find that ant first
- I'll find it for you

- What are you waiting for?
- We need tools

Just name them

- A bright red rose-bud
- Okay

- And a snow-white pigeon
- Now you're talking

- And incense and some henna
- Sure thing

- And two silver coins
- Only two?

For your sake

God bless you

May God accept your gift

Don't forget to change the
burnt lamp on the third floor

- For sure
- My family is afraid of the dark

Rest assured, madam

As long as we keep paying the dues,
there's no need to be afraid

Yes, heaven protect us

- In the name of God
- I caught you red-handed

This time, I will tell all
the neighbors... Madam!

I swear that I never ask anyone
for anything

They give me things to deliver

Deliver what?

Alms, I deliver them to the mosque

- Mosque?
- As Zibakh ordered

All alms go the mosque

How many apartments paid so far?

I will show you! Come with me

Where to?

I'll show you the right place
to put the money you collect

Move it

And these vows state that each
apartment must donate a duck?

These are offerings,
each gives what he can afford

Some apartments give us some sugar

Others give us tea

- And some give you sheep
- Sheep?

- And turkeys
- I hope I choke on them

- Be honest
- Please don't give me that look

- Speak up, Sabbassy
- I'll tell you everything, I promise

One passenger to Banha

Get in quickly, Miss

What chaos is this! I was here first

Sorry, lady, take the next car

Can't you see the state I'm in?

I want you to sit next to the driver

Otherwise, you might deliver
your baby

How dare you?

On your way, driver, Godspeed

One passenger to Banha

Kaooda, leave this place
and come with me right now

- Everything okay?
- Everything is great

Come, let's carry Zibakh's chest

- Carry them where?
- To the roof

Let's go

Here it is, it contains his clothes,
books and tools of the trade

Open it

May the doors of heaven open to you

Maybe we'll be prosperous once again

Excuse me, but will you make it
in this profession?

Of course, shall I turn you
into a monkey?

No, let's stay friends

Don't you think he can do what
Zibakh did?

The look in his eyes makes birds
drop dead off the trees

Zibakh can't do what I can do,
you idiots!

Tell me what Zibakh used to do

He'd do spells, undo them,
and he read palms

- Did he read the sea shells?
- No, he didn't

I will read sea shells, change good
wills and make charmed amulets

- Charmed amulets?
- That'll make the moon stop spinning

My, oh my! Great!

Send me any customer who asks
for Zibakh's services

Now we're talking, your holiness

- His holiness is here, sir
- He is most welcome

Hello, please come in

This way, sir

Please, have a seat

What is your problem?

Someone stole 4,000 pounds off me,
I kept them here, at home

I want you to find out which of
my three wives took them

- Is this true, ladies?
- That's bogus

- God protect us
- Such a tyrant!

- Could it be anyone else?
- It is one of them

The truth will appear, for God
is near, may I have a knife?

- A knife?
- A sharp one, please

Here you are, your holiness

Each one of you will lick the
sharp edge of the knife like this

And let it be known to you
that the knife of revelation

will cut the tongue of the infidel
amongst you

Lick the knife, Aziza

I hope your tongue gets cut off

Give me the knife, you slanderer

God has revealed your innocence

Your turn, madam

No way! I will never lick a knife,
forget it!

What are you afraid of?
You took the money, you thief!

Yes, I took it and you won't
get a penny back

- The truth has appeared
- God is great!

Now I eat three meals a day,
for free!

Blast you! You are a demon

You haven't seen anything yet

- What's next?
- The game is just starting


If I am not Zibakh,
I must become Zibakh

Damn you

I will juggle eggs and rocks

- You'll become a trickster?
- Who isn't a trickster these days?

Zibakh has his own tools

Magic is an intelligent manipulation
of the hopes of people

But there are rules you know
nothing about

I learned metaphysics
and mathematical logic

and the methodology for
seeking truth

I can surely learn about
conjuring and witchcraft

- Witchcraft?
- Or sorcery

As Ibn Khaldun called it
in his book, idiot

What's wrong with you?
Are you out of your mind?

"Woe to the world if the learned
live perversely"

We were young, now we're old

Go away, old age, and
bring back the golden age

Let's jump and jump

From one city to another

We were young, now we're old

Jump up and down, soar like a rocket

Luck is on your side

Burn the old man in you
and bring out the fiery flirt

His youth

Will make one powerless

We were young, now we're old

Don't worry, this sheikh is really
good, he will undo the spell

I hope he unwinds his soul

How could you speak like that
about your husband!

What kind of a husband is he, Ma?

Who else would agree to marry you
and support your kids?

- Man in hand better than ten on a tree
- I told you, he isn't a man

His first wife has him spellbound,
we are undoing him

Now have some shame and
stop being such a lust-hound

Oh, dear! It looks like
he kicked the bucket!

You fool

He's been dead, not bound,
for thirty years

What do we do?

- Don't worry, he'll wake up
- No, he won't

- He is a corpse now
- Shut up! What do you know?

Look, Zibakh never killed anybody.
You'll get us into trouble!

I told you not to worry, he has
to rest after that workout


We massaged his body and got blood
running in his blood vessels

- He was old but alive
- He'll be as fit as a fiddle

- He's gone into eternal rest
- Shut up!

Are you going to tell me
what to do? Hands off

Did you undo the spell?

Yes, his fingers moved

I heard he wants to remarry now
that he's rejuvenated himself

How did you do it?

A cup of milk, some abracadabra,

and an egg from a black hen

- Black hen?
- Any nonsense goes

Well, I gave him healthy food
and revived his body

God raises the dead! We are
just tools of good will

- Give me some blessings
- Our souls obey our illusions

- I am concerned
- About what?

Don't push your luck

You may try to revitalize
someone and they die

We're all going to die

- How can you be sure of success?
- My success is guaranteed

How is that?

I'll tell you

People's fear of the future
makes them anxious

Anxiety creates the willingness
to accept illusions

which will force them to believe

- Do you think so?
- And there's more

Some will actually hear and see
things that do not exist

Is that so?

Or else, why would people hang
on to ancient superstitions?

Why do they believe them?

- They even watch movies & read about
- Why so?

So that they can control their fear
of the unknown

Come with me

Oh yeah, we're all afraid
of the unknown

I don't get it

- Everybody's playing dirty
- Get me one of Zibakh's hoods

- What for?
- So we could play together

- Now you're talking
- Thanks to you

Untie the knots of her fortune

Undo the chains of her luck

Untie the knots of her fortune

Undo the chains of her luck

What's with you, foreigner?
Have some respect!

I am not a foreigner

Get lost, or I'll make a scene

- I really admire you
- I am not what you think

If you don't go away,

I'll break these slippers
on the nape of your neck

Believe me, I mean well

I'm afraid you'll disappoint me
with my customers

Oh, you don't believe in me, eh?

- Not really
- They're here

Hello, Tarouta

- Welcome
- God forbid!

Please, come in

- Sit down, Tarouta
- No, dear, I'll sit over there

Yet you came among them!

Why did you come?

You envy her, and you want
her husband!!

You are sitting here, as her friend

Have mercy on her

Have mercy on her

- Who do you mean?
- I never meant anything

They mean and I just spoke out

We all mean well, and if you mean
well, stay among us

Oh my!

He has been so unfair to you,

and you don't deserve it.
You are from a very prominent family

He doesn't appreciate your beauty

Let him...

Let him run to her,
and don't spare your tears

Go on and cry

Be careful, he's fooling you

- He won't marry me after my divorce?
- He may, and he may not

Don't worry, I will help you,
I know how to get him to marry you

Get me an identifier,
and all will be well

God Almighty created maladies
and cures

But believe me, the treatment
will never work

He's been going to doctors
since we married...

Don't lose hope,

although the spell cast on him

is a new super black-magic
SSGL evil spell

It is thrown under a 20-storey

Gracious God! What is happening
to you?

Come here

Leave her.. just hold on to me

Get away from her

- This brunette is a relative?
- No

- Any relationship with her?
- No relation at all

- Good-bye then
- Sit down, please

- I don't like to be lied to
- Well, it's not a real relationship

I rented a flat for her but left
when she wanted to stick with me

- A man in the Customs
- What about him?

Watch out, he's close to her and
they're cooking something together

What is it? Only God knows

Oh, golly! You've impressed
them all!

You thought I'd disappoint you?

You made me very proud

- Aren't you making good money?
- Yes, as you can see

- Why don't you get married?
- Do you have a pretty girl for me?

- There are lots of pretty girls
- That's what messes me up

Yes, tell me now,
why are you messed up?

- Can I be honest with you?
- Yes

- Can you keep a secret?
- Till death do us part

I'm a playboy


I am a loose boy, wasting my time
and money on women

- Women like your mom?
- Is my mom a woman?

You really are a playboy!

This amulet...

You must shower before the
call for the morning prayer

And then wear it around your neck,
don't ever take it off

As long as you wear it, no policeman
will ever come near you

- No one from the authorities?
- Not a soul

Open up! This is the police!

Put on your amulet and jump out
of the window, quick!

The jackass didn't take
a shower first!

Cairo Security Bureau

Zibakh, play it straight
and stop conning people

God knows I'm good

Cut the crap and be a good citizen

or we'll put you in jail again

I put my fate in God's good hands

You are under surveillance,
you and any other sorcerer like you

God will punish the unjust

To be delivered to relevant precinct,

released under surveillance

This is trespassing on the habitat
of an honest citizen

and squatting on property in his
absence! What a filthy crime!

What can I do? Go tell the landlord!

What am I but a doorman?

I will pull his eyeballs out!

Well, his eyes are sore anyway.
He's abroad, getting them cured

Where are my chest and tools?

- Upstairs, with the new master
- What?

The man that moved in is like you,
your holiness!

And now he is sitting on his throne!

What throne are you talking about?

Have you forgotten who I am?
I am Zibakh Elteeby!

Where were you all this time?

In the Guest House, I was in conference
with kings of the underworld

Tell everybody that, and we will
revive the good old days

If only we could turn the hands
of time

Have you betrayed our partnership?

- What can we do?
- Go talk it over with the new master

Your new master! I'll show him,
you low-life creeps!!

He's no fool! He raised a man from
the dead, before our very eyes!

I am still Zibakh, and I've juggled
eggs and rocks for 45 years!

- Yes?
- Hello, your holiness

- Who do you want?
- I want you

- Who are you?
- I am Zibakh

- I know no one with such name
- You'll get to know me

- Where to?
- Reclaiming my room

- Your room?
- Hand off or I'll turn you into a rock

Turn me into a rock!
Tell me something I'll believe

I am Zibakh, the spiritualistic

- You heal with spirits or manure?
- I don't want to harm you

You harm me, you pile of shit?

Damn you, what are you muttering?

Shut up! These books you are misusing
will get you into trouble

The demons are wicked,
they'll harm us

I said shut up!

Conjuring is a science

You are humiliating the vows
of King Solomon

and the Cryptic Scrolls,
you'll send us straight to hell

No, no, no!!

You've summoned them

Who are you talking to?

Help! Help!

You troublesome bastard!

Zibakh turned out to be a fool,
a flake

Every fake is a flake

Intellect has nothing to do
with emotional stability

What does that mean?

In any state of excitation, a brain
will accept illusions instantly

The smart and stupid,
the intellectual and illiterate

Fear deters clear thinking and
quick decision-making

Yes, but Zibakh is supposedly
a professional trickster

How did you scare him so easily?

You're right, but certain factors
helped me

What factors?

He drank too much before
he came to see me

- He was anxious
- Why?

The boys told him I was really
into spirits and demons

and that I had raised someone
from the dead

Zibakh walked in with his mind
ready to accept any illusions

He was inclined to fall under
my spell

You've started to scare me

The real magic is still to come...

Stand up and raise your hands

- Throw the knife on the floor
- You won't fool me again

This time, I will eat you alive,
you despicable wretch!

We are Jacks of the same trade,
we should not squabble

- Put your knife down
- Here it is, let's talk sensibly

- Why are you in here?
- Don't mistake me for a thief

- I have the right to be here
- Right?

- Let's go see what happened
- Why should we care?

We did what we had to do.
No one can blame us

We let Zibakh go upstairs and
we informed Mostataa

That's what I call double-loyalty

- They'll settle their own affairs
- Zibakh is nasty with knives

Mostataa went up after him
with a gun

- It's a toy gun
- Toy gun?

It only gives off sound, I bought it
myself from the toyshop

Let them fight, and we'll play
with the winner

- What's in that parcel?
- My life's earnings

- Open it up
- I'll give you five thousand

How do I know what's in it?
Maybe it's drugs

I don't deal in drugs.
Here, take a look

- How much are they?
- I'll give you five

And I will make you rot in jail,
you thief

This money is mine,
I toiled to gather it

You collected it by conning,
by playing sleazy tricks

This money must be handed over
to the authorities

Please, don't mention them,
I'll give you seven

No way, I'm taking half the money

You want to take 40 thousand?

40,000 aren't good enough,
I'll take 50 thousand


Then, we'll hand it all
to the police, you thief!

- So I'm the thief?
- Shut up!

Shut up, you wicked trickster,
get going!

If you are happy,
or if you are gloomy

Come and let me play some tricks

Come.. Come

Come and let me play some tricks

Interpreting Dreams

A beautiful damsel in distress

Needs some power to clean up
her mess

And this young man doesn't
have a clue

Let me show him what to do

Your Sun Sign

Interpreting Dreams

Mostataa El-Taazy elected Chairman of
International Astronomy Association

Are you a lost heart in the
deep sea of love?

I'll pull you up to the stars above

Oh, my

Oh, my

These people around me are

Living on illusions and bullshit!

If you are happy,
or if you are gloomy

Come and let me play some tricks

Come.. Come

Come and let me play some tricks

How was your trip?

I wish you were there,
the Prince sends his regards

Only his regards?

Plus a fat check to support
your magazine

Your network is growing

As usual, don't be envious

Friends don't envy, your holiness

Envy domains all, damn you

How is Tarouta?

The published article and photo
over-bloated his ego

Does he send us the rent regularly?

No, he even gets a share of
his customers' fees

A creep!

How does he know what they pay?

Bloody hell! Customers tell him
during their hairdressing

Customers, that's it!

The shop cost us L.E. 350,000

Don't nag him, his clients are
delicious, easy and fast to fall!

Yes, they all fall in your own lap

Don't worry, tomorrow I'll
buy you icecream

Fun for you, not me!

I have you in my plans

Welcome back, professor

The famous belly-dancer called
a lot today

She reminds you of the party
she's thrown at your honor

- At my honor?
- They're glorifying you

After one dies, he becomes
a sweet guy

Well! Well!

We only glorify those who die

As long as someone famous is alive,
we curse the daylight out of him

After his death, we make an idol
out of him!

What is it?

- What's wrong?
- I feel very tired

- Shall I call a doctor?
- Are you crazy?

I treat the doctors

You don't eat well, go slow on
the scotch

It's the most expensive thing
I can find

God bless the old days,
forsaking what's out of reach

Back then, I resisted my urges
by letting go of them

Now, my urges have gotten a
hold on me

So you either die of hunger
or of over-eating?

Well, all they eat is bread

Piling money does not fill
the void inside

We have to wash it down with
some scotch

Did you find out who Naznaz
invited to her party tonight?

All investigations done

Who's the prey?

A billionaire "Fakhry Lahfoury".
He was a useless brat

Now he has a factory, and wants
your acquaintance

- Got info on him?
- Since his birthday

I just need a single truth

And I'll weave a million lies around it

Ah, that Lahfoury is...

Just drop the boring details, Tawaly

My brother-in-law never believed
in palm reading

But since he has met Dr. Taazy

- What happened?
- He was stupefied

God bless him, every year
he gives me an amulet

That makes me above all the others

And if I forget to wear it,
my luck goes sour

- What is your sun sign, Tarouta?
- I'm a Virgo, my dear

Women are like fruit

With me, they become forbidden

You always eat your dessert alone

Grab this lovely banana then

Do you think it's easy?

Bananas peel easily and chew easily

What about you?

I'll leave all fruit
and go for the big pumpkin

Get ready, Naznaz is bringing
in Lahfoury

- Did you inform the guys?
- Yes, they're on their way

- So, do I tell him...
- Say whatever you want to

I introduce to you Mr. Lahfoury,
your holiness

- Don't shake my hand
- Why not, your holiness?

It's the same hand that bribed a man
to let in a shipment of bad cheese

And before that, the milk

Shame on you to bribe people, Lahfoury

How do we work then, your holiness?
We have to pave our way

He is right, your holiness.
Forgive him this time

He came especially to ask you about
the fate of his current deal

- I see two bracelets
- Gold?

A man with a bird in his hands

A bird? A sparrow, you mean?

No, a vulture

It's an eagle

And he is not holding it

It rests on a man's shoulder, this man
is handing you two bracelets

- When?
- After two

Either two months, or two days,
two hours

Or two minutes,

Or two seconds, maybe this minute

- What is it?
- Shut up and come with us

Don't say a word

Hey, everybody. Why is everyone

What's done is done, we don't
need grief

Back to the party, folks.
The show must go on

And if you've lost Lahfoury,
you are all Lahfoury's

- Hilarious!
- That's the spirit

Will he cast a spell on me
to lose weight?

I do the weight loss,
he gave me the secrets

We go out tonight, and tomorrow
you lose 7 kilos

- Really?
- You won't lose if you try

If you don't like it, go elsewhere.
Let's go, may God help

How will you undo the spell?

With my hands

The spell cast on you was thrown
all over your body

I must wipe it off myself,
but in a nice cozy place

No, the first booking is within
two months

Please send data about the patient

Name, mother's name, date of birth

No, not before three months

No, not required

The professor doesn't charge fees
till after curing the patient

Pregnancy depends on the position
of the moon the minute you were born

When I was born?


So, if you were born on
a night of a full moon

Then the most probable time for you to
conceive is when the moon is full

- Moon is very influential
- What does that mean?

Rest assured, I will do it all

We'll calculate the position
of the moon when you were born

Then we decide when is the
best time for you to conceive

According to the moon's
gravitational pull

I want you to drop your worries

God bless you

- Hello, doctor
- Hello, madam

- Help me, Dr. Taazy
- What is it, madam?

Saleh's been depressed since yesterday,
I fear he might harm himself

- Where is he?
- Come with me

I ordered that no one come in

- Good morning, sir
- Doctor Taazy, where have you been?

I am at your service

I am sick, Doctor

I feel that I will be paralyzed

God protect you, sir

Injustice makes me bitter

Prayers of the wronged hang between
earth and heaven and God says to him:

"By my power, I will make thee
victorious, if even after a while"

- Just pray to God
- Oh, God

Your words ease me, doctor

Ma'am, please order 2 cups of mint
in the garden

- Tea with mint leaves?
- No, mint only please

Since Venus is entering Scorpio,

you will gain victory over your enemies

They will cause havoc because of
their unjust treatment to you

When Mars continues its course
in orbit

Your stars will smile at you,

your fame will rise

My name and fame are ruined
by my archrival Gasser Sahwan

He defamed me with his dirty

God is above all

You can't imagine how cruel
and powerful he is

- God protect us
- Have you ever seen him?

I haven't been that fortunate,
God forbid!

He is mean, he twists all truths

The stars assure your victory


Print these and bring the rest, too


Will you be selling my pictures
on the stands?

Your holiness is no less

Holiness, my foot!

Did you read the article I wrote
about you this month?

- I didn't like it
- Why not? I commended you a lot

I told you a zillion times, stories
reaching people about me

must be astonishing,

make them love me

- Yet fear me
- More than this?

The stories must prepare them
to fall under my seize

I understand that

Cover me with underlying insinuation
and mystery

- That's what I did
- Is it?

A picture and a nonsense article

A legend is made by good propaganda

Why do you think I set up
the magazine for?

Okay, rest now before the forum

What forum?

The one on TV tonight, it is live

Well, I am not going

I'll have a few days of solitude

- The king himself?
- I have no time to quarrel

- Someone is with me outside
- Who?

A most beautiful, captivating widow

- Pretty?
- The word was made for her

Let's go then

- She has lived in the States for 5 years
- I hope she doesn't have HIV

No way, chastity is her middle name

- Why did you bring her here?
- Urgent consultation

She inherited five million pounds
from her husband

- How much?
- 5 million

- God rest his soul
- That's in sterling pounds

- Bring her in
- Don't you want to know who she is?

All her wishes and desires are here

She shouldn't have to wait

- I'll go get her
- And you get lost

I want to do the check up alone

Good Day!

"Cast away evil spirits"

I miss you, truly, your holiness

- What?
- I missed you

Wosool! I don't believe my eyes.
You're so pretty and elegant

- Thanks to you
- Me?

- You undid my spell
- Without finding the ant!

Sit down

No, Dr. Taazy is not here.
Who's speaking?


Hello, sir

Yes, he is in solitude

I will inform him of your call
as soon as he's back

Yes, okay

Your wishes are our commands, sir

Yes? Who am I?

His butler, sir, I am the butler

My name? Tamer

Good bye, sir

Good bye

I went to visit my aunt in Hussein
and there I met him

I never imagined that a well-cultured
man like him would admire me

Any man who sees you, admires you

We got married. Imagine he loved the
black shawl I draped my body with


- Only the shawl?
- Yes

He loved anything that reminded
him of Egypt

- Was he a foreigner?
- No, he was Egyptian

A very patriotic Egyptian

He did immigrate,

but Egypt was always on his mind

I'm sorry if I'm bringing back
painful memories

I'll never forget him

Anything starts out small in
this world, then grows

Except grief, which starts out
enormous and withers away

That's why I came to you

I am at your service

My late husband, God rest his soul

Always believed that a woman
needed a man

However independent she was

A woman cannot live without a man,
no doubt

In his last days, he asked me
to remarry

Good man and good advice, you must
do what he asked you to do

Frankly, I have a few suitors

All of them are good respectable

I don't know which to choose

My God! Looks like ants
have gone extinct!

Their names are on this paper,

along with mothers' names
and birthdates

Please, help me

This is a very hard choice

I want to know which of them
is best for me

These are all very wealthy,
well-known men

Yes, and the most important thing
I'm looking for is honesty

One who is dishonest doesn't
deserve respect

You're right, honesty is like
a precious coin

And fake coins aren't even worth
the sack they're in

A disaster!

- Why does he want me?
- I don't know

Are you sure he said he was
Gasser Sahwan?

- Was I dreaming then?
- I wish you were

Tomorrow morning at ten,
they'll come and pick you up

- Where to?
- To meet him

- Meet him?
- What's wrong with you?

Why are you afraid?

Did you get info on him?

- Who would dare do it?
- How am I supposed to deal with him?

I don't know

Oh, dear! We're in deep trouble
this time

- What's wrong, professor?
- No more professor!

We are doomed, dead ducks, it's over

I am in a very tough position

I am very weak and confused

I have never felt so weak

- What is it?
- My only daughter

A blossoming flower, twenty years old,
works as an assistant in university

- God bless her
- Has a brain tumor

God protect her

The big surgeons have
conflicting opinions

Some say we must operate. Others say
the operation is too serious

I don't know what to say

I must give my decision today

But my mind is paralysed,
I can't think

- I'm hanging on to hope
- God is merciful

See what the stars say,
her horoscope,

fortell, do anything to tell us
what's right

God will do what's best, sir

Get to work, do your thing

Time is of the essence

In such delicate issues,

one can not rely on predictions

This is a grave responsibility

I would like to know what
the stars say

- The only word here is for the surgeons
- They have disagreed, I told you!

Why do you think I turned to you?

I can't give you my opinion
on such an issue

I don't want your opinion,
I want you to ask the stars

Honestly speaking, sir

I advise you not to depend
on the stars in this issue

Even if astrologers give you
a little truth, they are liars

Looks like you are not good
in your game

God knoweth all, sir

A foreteller that cannot tell

- I want to say..
- What do you want to say?

- I mean...
- You are a trickster

Yes, that's what I wanted to say

I can't help it, my circumstances
led me to this mess

What circumstances?

Your friendship with my enemy dictates
that you don't help me out?

No, I would never have dreamt
of this honor

You accuse yourself of falsehood out of
loyalty to him so as not to help me?

That's not the case at all, sir

You helped him to harm my
daughter with your evil spells

No, I swear to you, I am a fake

Is that how loyal you are to Saleh?

Believe me, I admit to being a fake

A cheap statement to cover up your
evil deeds against my daughter

This never happened, sir, I swear

No thief admits to stealing, unless
he's covering up a bigger crime

I am a quack, I swear


Cairo Security Bureau

If you were illiterate, we'd believe
you were a trickster as you claim

But you have a Ph.D in Philosophy

This is my bad luck

You are very modest, your holiness

I am not close to being holy

You give people sweet hope
every morning

No one in the country doesn't
read your Zodiac section

It's the best in the morning papers

- This is all bullshit
- I'd believe you and deny myself?

I personally don't walk out
my door in the morning

without reading my daily horoscope

You are wrong

Doctor, our investigations prove
that all who have dealt with you

insist that you really do have

I'm like a person stuffed in
a suit of armor

As I get fatter inside, I suffocate

You insist you are a quack

Everything is fake these days

Principles, paradigms, people

Even scientific theories are

and newer theories deem them

Honestly, you have drained
my brain

People need a truth to hang on to

That's why amulets and spells and a
trickster like me appeal to them

So you are accusing society
of ignorance?

No, of weakness

Weakness doesn't discriminate
an intellect from an ignorant

They make the quack a truth,


Just like they carved an idol
out of stone, then worshipped it

- Congratulations, sir
- Truth always wins

- God save you for all of Egypt
- Congratulations

Congratulations to all of us

Please tell him that I want to see him

You can't see him today

- Tell him it's Tawaly
- Sir...

He'll be upset if he learned
I wasn't allowed to see him

These are his orders, sir

Tell him it's Tawaly, don't get
yourself into trouble

- I know what I'm doing
- Tell him it's me

- Look, I have no time for this
- Neither do I

- I told you not to shout
- I told you tell him it's me

Tawaly, I am Tawaly

- Tawaly whom?
- Tawaly Tanih

- What?
- Tawaly Tanih, on behalf of...

- You came on someone's behalf?
- Someone pure

Someone holy

- Who?
- Taazy, the miracle-man

The man of truthful predictions,
the man Sahwan tried to wipe out

Damn him!

- Uncuff him
- Yes, sir

I ordered that Dr. Taazy
mustn't be handcuffed

Yes, sir

Sit down, doctor

What's going on?

We are very sorry, your holiness

I admitted to being a quack

Put me to trial and imprison me,
let me have some peace

God forbid! How could we
imprison a holy man like you?

Sir, I am a fake

Please, forgive us, your holiness

We are sorry

And tell Mr. Saleh that we are sorry

Cairo Security Bureau

- We won't leave him
- He is under surveillance, you know

If you are happy,
or if you are gloomy

Come and let me play some tricks

If you are happy,
or if you are gloomy

Come and let me play some tricks

Come to me

Come and let me play some tricks

A beautiful damsel

in distress

Needs some power to clean up
her mess

And this young man is in trouble

Let me show him what to do

Are you a lost heart in
the deep sea of love?

I'll pull you up to the stars above

These people around me
are half-wits

Living on illusions and bullshit!

If you are happy,
or if you are gloomy

Come and let me play some tricks

Come to me

Come and let me play some tricks

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