Ego Trip (2015) - full transcript

Tonight, you and I...

Blazing atmosphere.

Enough.

Enough! Enough!

Ready?

I'm not a fuckin' psychic!

Our day isn't over until
we've had our rendez-vous!

We have a rendez-vous...

Fuckin' original!

Hey, lady!

Where's my fun doing this?



You sure don't have any!

What if...

You know what would be great?

Instead of writing crap on cue cards,

write some actual material! Fuck off!

When I'm trying to shoot,

stay the hell out of the frame!

Fuck!

Tonight, On Your Mark! 9 pm!

I'll sure be there!

Not...

12 times Personality of the Year!

It's amazing!

You won't see that again.



I had to call you, Guylou.

You have to come on the show!

But...

Next spring?

You could come next spring?

I'll hold you to it!

Take care.

Denis.

Hi, Marc Morin here.

No. Give me 30 seconds. 30 seconds!

I was thinking,

the Mayor of Montreal
hasn't been on my show!

Come on, Denis!

You've done them all!

It's hard to find a show you're not on!

Let's stay in touch.

Bye.

Can't you do that elsewhere?

Garou.

A sure bet. It'll be great.

Garou, buddy!

Marc here.

Morin.

Exactly. Listen.

We'll finish the week on
a high note with the king!

Let me check my schedule.

Maybe I can move some guests around.

Thursday...

or...

Wednesday.

I could move Guylou for you.

Who, me?

I made fun of your ears last time?

Well...

Fine, Dumbo.

Go back to Paris. Screw you!

Haiti, the world's poorest country,

still trying to rise from the rubble.

Its hopes and dreams are fading

as thousands still languish
in "temporary" camps.

This week, a 2 hour special!

With Cirque du Soleil!

Also on the show:

I'm coming!

Hey... Good evening, everyone!

We're all the same. Yeah?

When you spend $26,000 on a home cinema,

you expect something massive!

The problem is home
cinemas blow up the picture

and the flaws too!

When Garou's ears are 8-feet wide,

popcorn's hard to swallow!

What's wrong?

Skipped your medication?

After the break, we'll
return with our guests.

Stay tuned!

They're replacing me

with fuckin' clowns skating in tights?

Yep.

Only for 2 weeks.

Oh, all right then.

It's the figure skating championships.

See it as a vacation!

A vacation?!

A little break.

How much did his wax sculpture cost?

For your flavour of the month!

He's been 2 years "flavour of the month"!

I've been 25 years a TV clown!

What, wax is on backorder?

Here!

Start with this!

Come on, I'm eating!

What's the problem?

I'm funny!

People think I'm funny!

They used to!

Not anymore.

Come in, you opened the door!

Why knock?

You come in anyway!

Sorry.

I thought I'd let you know,

Ariane will be on Friday's show.

She's excited.

Ariane Moffatt?

No. Ariane, the runner up from Big Brother.

Get out.

Here.

The network did a survey about you.

I'm not a shampoo brand!

And...

generally...

people find you unpleasant.

Me?!

"People" can eat shit!

I know you,

but the public only sees,

and this is straight out of the survey,

"a rich and arrogant TV show host...

who assaulted a giraffe."

Not that again?!

It's been 6 months! Get over it!

Move on!

Anyway, I didn't start it.

Yeah, but you can't hurt
a giraffe at the zoo,

even if she started it.

It defecated on my car.

Not a reason to hurt her.

Him not her!

Why can't people just understand that?

It was a male giraffe!

I saw his huge scrotum!

Everyone has a cellphone!

You ran at it with a jack handle!

You thought no one would post that online?

You can't defecate on people's cars!

She's a fuckin' giraffe!

"He", Christ! "He"!

What are you doing to me?

I'm sorry.

Shouldn't have brought her up.

Sorry.

It's OK.

It was a "he"...

I heard on the radio

they want to legalize euthanasia.

What?

This could be your last chance...

This could be HIS last chance.

Shouldn't he start?

It's not for him, it's for you.

It'll do you good.

Grandpa,

we don't know each other well...

just want to say I love you.

Obviously, sweetie,

you don't know him well.

I bought your urn!

You're an idiot!

It's gorgeous!

You'll see... Well, not really.

Just kidding, Dad.

You want to say something?

Don't make the same mistake I made...

What a relief! You were right!

A weight's been lifted off my shoulders!

Thanks.

Thanks, Dad.

Wow! Unbelievable what
burping out 4 words can do!

Talk to him.

For once, he's listening.

Haven't held your hand in a while.

Weird, isn't it?

Smells good in here!

Must be your dinner.

Steak, pepper sauce,

flambéed white truffles.

Lucky man!

Step in at any moment.

It really won't bother me.

Can't you say...

one sentence a father would say to his son?

Just one?

A regret or...?

How about I help you out.

I'll suggest some,

blink if you agree.

Let's do this.

I wish I'd been there for you?

I'm teasing you with that one.

I'm proud of you?

Thierry...

I'm talking to you.

Tonight's no good.

I can't make it.

I would've loved being at your...

your... tournament.

It's not a tournament.

Your expo.

Not an expo.

It's improv.

It's improv.

Exactly!

Your improv.

Can't wait to see you in action.

You must be... great.

But tonight...

there's an album launch

with lots of very important people.

We know.

Thierry...

Things weren't easy for me.

At 15, I was on my own,

I had nothing...

You were down here,

hard work took you up.

You worked hard to stay there.

Then down,

down, down, down.

You work to go back up.

But, whether you're here, here, here,

you're never here.

Very funny.

What a comedian.

Your timing is terrible.

My father died.

Grandpa's dead?

Yesterday.

What?

Didn't I tell you?

Oh, when I came back from...

Your father died?

And you couldn't find the time to tell me?

I thought about it,

but it slipped my mind.

Sorry, but it's no big surprise.

Come on, Jo...

Let's go, kids, we'll be late for school.

Hi!

Paul's in a meeting.

He can't be disturbed.

How are you doing?

Rushing off to Paris.

For long?

No, 24 hours.

I'm interviewing Stromae.

Just a quick dip as we say!

Good news!

SOS Monde contacted me.

They need a spokesperson

for 1 week to raise funds in Haiti.

Of course, they wanted Popo.

I managed to convince SOS Monde

to send YOU to Haiti.

You mean what by "you"?

I want to help you,

but you need to do a 360.

360 degrees brings you right back

to where you started.

We have to rethink your branding.

Revamp your image.

Everything!

Anything you want:

host a telethon,

butter toast for the Breakfast Club,

give blowjobs at the homeless shelter!

But I'm not going to Haiti.

It's OK, Manon.

It's fine.

Congratulations on Haiti.

I reworked your schedule.

It was easy, you didn't have anything.

Thanks, Manon!

And it's right during
the figure skating event!

Have a good day.

Can't I just write a check?

It's the gesture that counts.

I'll make the gesture of writing a check.

They have to pity you.

We can use my dad's death.

What?

Yeah... We can use that.

"After his father's passing, Marc Morin..."

overwhelmed...

"decides to help humanity."

Perfect.

I'm not going to Haiti.

Check this out.

Look!

Makes me want to go!

You googled Tahiti.

It's Haiti.

Oh yeah...

Just a second.

Christ.

Jesus!

Tomorrow On Your Mark:

we have guests...

surprises...

even for me.

Don't miss it.

No! YOU listen to me!

Instead of shipping me off

to a shitty 3rd world country,

do your fucking job!

Call the Head of Programming

and talk to that cocksucker about respect!

Know what?

You should go there.

It would be wonderful for Haiti.

Wh t w r y u g ing to d t hre?

I don't understand him.

Cost me $10,000 to understand fuck all.

Text me. It'll be quicker.

What'd he say?

What would you do there?

Witness their misery

and report back, telling
the media it's hopeless.

You'd rather write a
check to get it over with.

It's the gesture that counts.

That's it. The gesture of writing a check.

So mature.

See?

Never be afraid to kick ass!

It's the only way to gain respect.

Paul, big man!

I'm listening.

You put them in their place?

Well... no.

How come?

When you're back on the air,

if your ratings don't improve,

they'll bump you to Saturday nights...

at 8 o'clock.

It's hockey night on Saturdays!!

Might as well host a nighttime quiz show!

They swear that won't happen,

'cause a host's #1 quality

is connecting with the public.

You're safe on that front.

They can't...

They don't want to bump you.

That was my idea!

They don't want you as weatherman!

They don't want you, period!

Get it?!

If you don't go, there's no more job!

You're done!

This is very good.

Thanks.

If I die over there,

the kids and you...

will be well taken care of.

Idiot...

Isn't he cute?

Dad!

If y u w nt to t t lk t p ple th re.

If you want to talk to people there.

Thanks.

I v y u.

I love you.

Go inside, your retainer will freeze.

Tell me,

why do you want to go to Port-au-Prince?

I don't.

Haiti is done.

All that's left is to sink the island

to end the misery once and for all.

Not nice for the fish.

Of course, that's mine...

My suitcase!

Thanks!

Nataly Chabot.

"Nataly", no H, ends in Y.

Communications coordinator, SOS Monde.

Here's a summary of my comm plan.

You'll be Skyping with TV shows.

I'll tweet every 30 minutes.

We'll blog some photos.

When you get back, believe me,

everyone will want to hear your story.

When do I get to piss?

To be honest...

I was disappointed Popo wasn't coming.

To be honest,

I was also disappointed he wasn't coming.

I'll get to know you better.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Marc, here!

Good!

Meet Richard, SOS Monde's photographer.

A devoted man.

He's seen so much misery.

Unfortunately, misery still surprises me.

And Sammy.

A Haitian artist.

Very involved in Montreal's community.

Haiti, shake and roll

Haiti, it takes its toll

Let's go!

Thanks.

Here's my photo-book of Haiti.

That wasn't necessary.

It's a gift, Marc.

The devastation is dreadful.

These are from before the earthquake.

Move your little hands.

Must be hard to play the flute now!

Makes you think.

Let me put this...

between your legs.

I used to rap.

But rap wasn't my thing.

I rap rap rap... rapidly stopped.

I love slamming.

You've probably heard my song:

Eeny meeny miny moe

Slamming is how I flow

Never heard of it.

I almost got 100 hits on YouTube.

Nothing compared to you.

But I didn't have to hurt a mother giraffe.

It was a male!

Now, for your first tweet.

In 140 characters,

your impressions of Haiti?

There's not much legroom.

What the fuck!

Watch out.

There aren't better hotels?

Lots!

Many beautiful ones didn't get hit.

Why don't we go there?

Come on!

What are we telling the
poor by staying here?

There's no hope, even we can't help them,

since we can't pay for a good hotel!

We're staying here.

We're lucky. We have 2 rooms!

It'll be pretty snug, 3 to a room.

I volunteered to sleep with the star.

You really shouldn't.

I snore like hell.

Not as much as I!

We'll be 2!

Let's go, we're sleeping together.

Not "together", next to each other.

In our respective beds.

Very very far apart.

Coming?

What are you doing?

Come on.

Guess I'm the only one with a bed.

A double's big enough.

Mind if I cool down the atmosphere?

I've lived through heat.

2006.

Darfur.

52 degrees in the shade.

Looking into my burning camera

gave me blisters on my eyelids.

Please, close the door.

There isn't one.

I'm comfortable around you.

You're sincere.

Authentic.

My friends tell me I sense those things.

You have friends?

You're funny.

Your jokes are next level. I get it!

Wait 'til I go up a level.
You'll really get it!

If I can do anything for you, let me know.

I'm good.

I'd love to curl up in the fetal position

and go back into my mom's vagina.

That's so funny!

Fuck...

Check this out.

It's a cockroach!

Here, they call them "ravet".

Getting ready for your funeral?

It's my father.

You two were close?

But...

you brought him here...

You want to talk about it?

Go ahead.

People confide in me, I'm a good listener.

Go ahead, I can...

My father...

really loved it when...

people fucked off.

That's one thing...

we shared.

You get it?

Where's your cockroach?

I don't know.

But...

Whatever.

What do you mean, "whatever"?!

Your bed is a buffet for cockroaches!

Small bugs don't eat big ones!

Good evening.

How may I help you?

Could you check the AC in my room?

We'll fix it.

When?

I'll see...

I'll see to it, sir.

Thank you.

You sleep with your clothes on?

I took off my watch.

You know that in Australia,

in the Walibri tribe,

men don't shake hands,

they shake penises.

But in Canada's Quebecer tribe,

we don't shake cocks,

we say goodnight.

Goodnight.

Goddammit...

Good morning!

Let's start the day with a tweet?

The streets of Port-au-Prince...

feel like home.

You think you're in Montreal.

Hi, Christelle!

Hi!

Marc Morin, our new spokesperson.

Hi.

You couldn't get Popo?

No, what a shame.

This is donation money in action!

Come this way.

A little late for sunscreen, no?

Garbage is not usually there.

We have a technical problem.

Displaced people save time thanks to

this water tank set up by SOS Monde.

They pay for the water.

They pay for the water?

What do you mean?

Do you also charge them for air?

Water should be free, it's a necessity!

They paid for their water before.

We don't want them to depend on us.

This is a temporary camp.

Temporary for a fuckin' while.

We've seen a 3% drop in
diarrhea cases this year.

How many litres is that?

I'm very visual.

Hello.

What do you think you can do for us?

Gorgeous sun.

Weather nice. You good.

You lucky.

Keep it up!

Get closer, Marc.

He's not gonna bite!

I don't want my deodorant to bother him.

Over here.

Good.

Thanks.

This puts our misfortunes into perspective.

One time, at our cottage, the pipes froze.

And...

Go on.

It's not important.

Come on!

It's not important!

It froze and...

and the pipes burst.

We had no water.

We got some at the store.

Water... in huge jugs...

For 2 days,

we had to take warm spring water baths.

48 long hours...

Some of the people's
homes are still intact.

They stay here and rent them out.

They do have money?

Yes and no.

With the increase of
NGOs in Port-au-Prince,

there are so many foreigners

that the cost of living has risen.

Do I understand correctly?

We raise funds to help them pay for things

they could afford if we weren't here?

Wonderful.

Great idea!

That's an extremely
negative view of our work.

He's OUR spokesperson...

Welcoming cocktail.

We'll meet SOS Monde's director,

Maurice Mardi, a blue-black Haitian.

Very efficient.

He fraternized with the Duvaliers,

but that's how things work here.

Quebecers show their support

to our wounded land through the visit

of their most popular artist.

Quebec's idol,

my good friend, Popo!

This is artist Marc Moron.

A few words of welcome.

Thank you everyone.

I was checking out Port-au-Prince.

Great decorating ideas.

Your skylights are something else!

I noticed everyone has a cell phone.

Don't put them on vibrate,

if they all go off at the same time...

You know...

Thank you!

Now...

everybody...

we won't leave you on that note.

Moving on with music...

with Sammy.

Haiti

Shake and roll

Haiti, it takes its toll

The cement cracks

Misfortune attacks

Haiti, shake and roll

Haiti, it takes its toll

Haiti, shake and roll

Haiti, it takes its toll toll toll

Great!

Hello.

Welcome to the Palace.

Hello.

I'd like a nice, cool room, please.

Thank you.

Wonder why I didn't come here earlier.

Because it's unthinkable!

What were you thinking, you ass?!

Who cares if I sleep here or there?

It would suck for people to think

their donations to SOS Monde

are paying for the whims of divas!

Chill. I'm paying for my room.

I don't care!

Appearances, fatso, did you think of that?

Image is everything.

You really think someone will recognize me?

Marc Morin.

What are you doing here?

Hunting for giraffes?

Good one.

Really.

Go back to your pina
colada, fuckin' dimwit.

I want to talk to the owner.

That's not the owner.

It's the President.

Even better.

I won't sleep another night in your sauna!

Everything's been taken care of, Mr Morin.

Did some laundry?

You shouldn't wash your clothes.

I was sweating like a pig,

I'm letting it dry.

You know you shouldn't
be washing your clothes.

You know that?

It's Haiti's morning show!

You'd better score big this time.

You listen, interviews are my expertise.

Watch me and take notes.

Good morning everyone!

Sorry, I'm not used to your high-tech!

I don't understand a word,

but it's fine, that reminds me...

I don't understand.

This is a first for me.

I've never experienced
such horrific conditions.

That poetic outpouring sums up quite well

the position Haitians are in.

Thank you, Mr Mask of Canada!

Morin's presence isn't
touching us in Quebec.

If you can't do your job,
we're replacing you...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING??

Welcome...

Can we leave? I can't stand this.

We'll leave when I say so.

Singing together...

Welcome... you are home

She's a restavec.

Her parents are poor and live far away.

They sent her to a family in the city

so she can go to school.

They kept her home as a slave.

2 united nations.

Are you kidding! That's no good!

Look at him with his Mickey Mouse smile!

Are you talking to me?

Your first photos were flops on Twitter.

It's my job to turn that around.

So you'd better toe the line.

The kids need to take their shirts off

and...

have mud on their faces!

Wait a minute here!

That's not OK!

We can't cheat.

The people with hearts donate already.

We need to get the ones who don't!

We're selling dreams!

There are limits!

Kids, let's put mud on our faces, OK?!

How fun!

You're going too far.

I'm patient enough as it is.

I'm not losing my job
because of this has-been.

Get over here, you!

That's enough!

They already live in a dump.

They've gone through enough!

Snap out of it, dammit!

I'm sorry...

Wow!

Shoot this!

This is what I want! Go!

Think of the earthquake.

Look here.

Stop that.

You...

You're a fucking nutcase.

Yep, but it works.

Get to it, Richard.

I stop or not?

There's never enough of this.

1, 2, 3...

Cry at the camera.

That's good.

Hi!

Hi, how are you?

Good, you?

Yeah, I'm OK.

I slept in, as you can tell...

But the whores don't really let us sleep.

You twit!

Never thought I'd miss your silly jokes.

You miss me?

Yes.

And the kids?

They're still sleeping.

You saw what your daughter
put in your luggage?

Yeah, it's...

Are you OK, love?

Sorry, I've got someone on the other line.

It's Paul. I need to talk to him.

Eat ice cream and think of me, OK?

I'll call you back.

What the...

Hi.

How's Marc Morin?!

Me? Great hotel, second-hand food,

Nazi-trained communications director,

images of poverty all day long.

Living the dream!

It's not that easy here either!

SOS Monde's boss called me last night.

Seems you have a negative attitude.

No idea how he found
out, he's in Montreal...

Check out Haiti's stats.

Death rate's about to go up by one.

Listen carefully.

If they don't get what they want,

forget the media tour when you return.

The media tour to show you have a heart

is our paycheck!

I don't want you to do this for nothing!

Look, big guy, just play their game.

Give them the Marc Morin they want.

There are only 4 days left.

Come on! You're a pro!

Today, we have a special guest,

straight from Port-au-Prince,

via Skype, Marc Morin.

Hello, Marc!

Good morning, Gino.

Good morning to all the viewers.

I'm sure all Quebecers are wondering,

"Why is Marc Morin vacationing in Haiti?"

Funny, Gino!

Really funny!

Having a sense of humour is important,

when faced with such adversity.

I believe the viewers are aware

I'm not vacationing here.

I'm here as a witness to the hard work

put in by SOS Monde.

This mission must be quite touching.

I've had goosebumps since my arrival.

I admire SOS Monde's staff immensely

as they witness this every day.

How they do it is beyond me.

I've just started my visits and...

Today we're visiting an orphanage.

I don't know how I'll deal with it.

What an asshole!

As we were saying earlier,

we need our sense of humour!

I'm here to...

What the...

What's happening?

Sorry...

I don't know what's happening.

I think it's...

an earthquake...

I'm no specialist...

Let's stop the interview.

Marc! Get out! Get out now! Go!

My last thoughts are for my wife, Josée,

my children, Thierry and Rosabelle.

Think of them, get out!

Get the hell out!

It's important!

Contact SOS Monde,

they know how to handle this!

Josée, I broke your teapot,

it wasn't Thierry!

Get out!

No problem, Gino, it was a joke.

I was shaking the computer.

I hope this will rekindle the flame

of all Quebecers' generosity.

Go to the website and give generously.

There are still 2 million hungry people

and over 100,000 who are homeless.

We need your help. Thank you.

Thank you, Marc.

Thank you for what you're doing there.

We'll be talking about this every day.

Your message will be passed on to all.

Let's be generous.

Goodbye.

Well...

let's do this, misery awaits.

What a day!

Congratulations!

Seriously!

She's right.

Roméo Dallaire didn't do
half of that for Rwanda.

Let's not go overboard. 3rd World... done!

After this beautiful day,

you deserve a surprise.

We're spending the night here.

We'll be comfortable.

They put hay over the mud.

Great idea!

But don't get carried away.

I have things to take care of.

It'll be a boys' night.

You don't stay, I don't stay.

Come on, gang!

This is their everyday life!

What will we eat?

We can't ask them for food!

I came prepared!

Étiene, hand me that bag, please.

I've got quite a menu.

Potatoes,

steak,

fish.

It's a powdered surf'n'turf?

Exactly!

It's dehydrated, we just add water.

Anyone have water?

Not me.

None left.

Fine. I'm always ready!

As in, "ready" to go back to the hotel?

Good one!

Aside from spicing things up,

urine is full of minerals.

You're kidding, right?

Of course. Totally!

I didn't piss in the food!

Seriously...

I peed...

No biggie.

You!

Not eating?

No, I'm not eating...

because...

you can't seriously think...

that I'll eat your piss, for fuck's sake!

It's urine!

An excess of water and
minerals in your body.

For fuck's sake!

Fuck!!!

I don't eat piss!

Life treats me well, I've got money,

I eat steak, drink wine.

I have a heat pump!

You think it's funny!

Of course!

Stop being happy with
both feet stuck in shit!

I work like a dog to achieve happiness!

Goddammit!

I tell jokes, they don't laugh.

I'm pissed off, they laugh.

Everything's so fucking great!

Mr Marc?

When I was young, I
dreamt of going to Canada.

How's life there?

A week ago, I might have said it's shit...

I'm not so sure anymore.

I have to wait for Chrystelle

and update the blog...

It's free play time!

Not for us, guys.

There's a breastfeeding workshop

a half-hour walk away from here.

You up for it?

Breastfeeding?

Didn't sleep all night.
I'll rest at the hotel.

Watching women breastfeed
isn't one of my hobbies.

We'll also be breastfeeding.

What?

You're crazy!

Central African Pygmy males breastfeed!

Men have all the necessary tools!

In extreme cases,

with the proper stimulus,

our lactation process activates.

Here, if you change your mind.

I haven't changed my mind.

Enjoy your day.

It's the address.

Thank you.

It's OK, Doc, I know her.

She'll rob you, Mr Marc.

Don't put up with her!

Be careful.

Thank you.

You OK?

What's your name?

Maudeline.

Are you hungry, Maudeline?

It's beautiful!

So big!

Real luxury.

Take it. It's a gift.

Can I have this too?

I can't.

That's my dad inside.

My dad in powdered form.

It's like... father flour.

You know what he did for a living?

He created emptiness around him.

He was really talented.

All he thought about was his job,

golf,

his cars, his mistresses...

himself.

You don't give a shit?

Good.

My son.

He's about your age...

Not on this picture, but now.

This is my daughter.

She likes playing...

with my nerves.

She's 17.

17!

Thanks.

Get in here.

The crazy one will sleep on the floor.

He'll love the experience!

Where's everyone?

I don't know.

Sammy said not to wait for him.

No clue about Richard.

Friends...

I lived a moment...

I'll never forget.

Ouch!

I...

almost breastfed.

What did you breastfeed?

A baby vampire?

It was beautiful.

I am a...

mom.

A mom.

Hello.

I...

lost way.

I want find hotel.

I tired.

I...

no feel legs.

Big sun and all...

things no good at all.

A pity.

If you spoke French,

we'd understand each other.

Are you thirsty?

Come in.

Sit down.

Go ahead.

Drink.

Very good.

What are you doing here?

I'm an artist from Quebec,

I've come to help you...

to revamp my image.

Very nice of you.

What?

Telling the truth.

Nice change from white people

who promise the moon.

You're a singer? An actor?

Not even.

A talk-show host.

I entertain and make people laugh.

You can make a living out of that?

A pretty good one...

You get paid to amuse people?

My daughter took this picture.

With my grandchildren.

2 days before the earthquake.

Photography isn't her forte.

Fuck! I'm such a prick!

You seem like a nice person.

Anyway...

Since I got here, I'm on a bullshit detox.

At least we're useful at something!

The house doesn't take cash.

If you want to make us laugh...

keep speaking Creole!

There you are!

He just got here.

We were frea-king out!

I can see that.

We looked for you everywhere!

I kept telling myself,

"If something were to happen,

especially now..."

What's happening?

Here.

Hello?

I'm so happy!

I wanted to live this moment with you.

What are you talking about?

Everyone's freaking out here.

It's madness, my friend.

Freaking out about what?

You and your humanitarian work.

I'm not the first artist to do this.

But the first asshole to do it.

And the photos... The photos!

I cried.

Twitter's on fire.

The hashtag #jerkwithheart

trended for 2 hours this morning.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

But it wasn't that hard.

I didn't really have to pretend...

People are in deep shit here.

It's horrible.

They want to believe in anything.

That helps.

And...

honestly...

Something clicked.

They're a beautiful people.

There's this inner light...

Keep that for the press!

More good news. Véronique Cloutier called,

she wants to be on your first show!

Really?

Really!

She's not the only one!

My phone hasn't stopped ringing.

To humanitarian work!

I'm sure there are rich people here.

They must eat in good restaurants?

Yes, of course.

I'll call a friend.

He'll drive you.

The clerk told me

it's the best steakhouse in the Caribbean.

If people find out?

Just this once!

We're taking a break from appearances.

Richard, don't piss on my T-bone!

For dessert though,

I'd enjoy some paternal milk.

Laugh all you want!

Look at how beautiful this is.

It's a beautiful country.

Wonderful people.

Christ...

Empty your pockets!

Empty your pockets.

I'm Haitian just like you!

I'm on your side, guys.

I have toilet paper... Do you...

Not the hood! Not the hood!

Move!

Move!

Walk!

Are you keeping us here?

I hope not.

With Mr Morin...

we can get a million dollars.

Then you can leave.

You're crazy.

You'll never get a million.

He's not Popo! He's Marc Morin!

I'm worth nothing.

There's no use keeping me here.

He's rich.

I'm nothing.

If you're rich,

give us the million then.

It's settled then.

Is there an ATM in this shack?

Christ, you're so stupid!

You think I'll just call the bank,

the teller will put a
million bucks in an envelope

and ship it to buttfuck nowhere?!

Fuck! Stop watching Bruce Willis films!

Do a reality check!

Not only do we get kidnapped,

but by fuckin' amateurs!

They made their demands

to the Canadian government.

Pretty vague...

One thing's for sure,

SOS Monde doesn't have that money.

There's a 10 million
life insurance on Marc,

I can give it to them, but...

they'll have to kill him.

There's one very important thing here,

we have to keep this hush-hush.

Not one word to the media.

We've just learned talk-show host

Marc Morin has been kidnapped in Haiti.

Missing for 2 days, he was
on a humanitarian trip.

- Figure skating championships tonight

Thank you, my friend.

It's appreciated.

Any news?

Anything?

Mr Morin is the top news story.

It's a good sign.

Show me how to play.

Seriously?

It'll be good for me.

Are you a righty or a lefty?

You hold it with your left hand.

Take it and I'll show...

What are you doing?!

It can't be sturdy!

It was built with mud and rickety boards!

Save your energy.

To die with lots of energy?

Their plan won't work!

Why are you saying that?

They're all over the place.

At home, even crime is organized!

I have faith.

Quebecers won't abandon us.

I've traveled the world,

Quebecers really stick together.

Our taxes would pay for
these stars' vacations!

Marc Morin is preaching to us,

getting photographed in Haitian squalor,

and our taxes should pay for that?!

What are you doing?

It's OK, they're good people.

I can feel it.

They're putting on a show just to scare us.

It's working.

Richard is tough.

He's been through worse.

Don't freak out.

Pain is nothing to him.

He might enjoy it.

Let's sit him down.

Careful.

Holy fuck!

I could tell they didn't
enjoy doing this to me.

It looks worse than it is.

They're doing a before and after.

Clever, no?

OK.

Time for us to show our goodwill.

We're releasing a hostage.

Gang...

I'm with you.

My thoughts are with you.
I won't leave you here.

Not you, Million Bucks!

You don't get it.

For me...

no one will give a million!

They're worth something

because they're victims.

You'll get money for them.

Think about it for a minute,

after leaving here,

who can best raise that million?

Them

or me?

Sit!

Take the girl.

Go, Nataly.

Thank you, Richard.

Don't rape her, OK?

She's cute, soft and feisty,

don't take advantage of her.

A beautiful white girl with pink nipples...

Jesus Christ! Shut up!

Wait, wait!

Take him also.

Please.

He's worthless anyway.

Please.

That's really nice, Marc.

Thank you.

I'm being truthful.

What you did for Sammy
was really thoughtful.

I know you don't like him,

but he'll be grateful his entire life...

Come on, guys! You startled me!

Haiti: 2 hostages freed

I was not harmed, but it's outrageous

that no one is negotiating.

If this had been Brad Pitt,

the U.S. would've invaded Haiti.

We have to save Marc Morin

Prisoner of a sovereign state

What are you doing?

We'll set fire to this place.

It'll be filled with smoke.

They won't see a thing and we'll run out.

Or we might...

die from asphyxiation.

How do you want to die?

Any other ideas?

Fire!

Help! Fire!

Help! Open up!

They were going to kill us.

I saw it in their eyes,
they're fucking crazy!

I thought they were "nice people"?

Where's your faith in mankind?

Mankind can shove it!

I'm done! I'm staying here...

I don't want anything anymore.

I'm so sick of this!

Let's go!

Come on. I hear something.

Please!

Fuck...

Release the photographer,

only Marc Morin matters.

We have a single goal,

to ensure a better life for our people.

This million will not go to the corrupt,

but to the poor of our forgotten community.

I beg you to pay this ransom

in exchange for my life.

I want to add something.

Josée...

I know I'm not worth a million,

I know I'm pretty worthless...

I have to talk!

Josée, if you're watching...

You know I love you.

You don't know what it's
like to be loved by you.

I don't deserve you...

You sacrificed your life for me...

How do you put up with me?

I can't even put up with myself.

I cared only for myself...

Rosabelle...

Daddy's little girl...

You're so amazing, sweetheart...

So beautiful and brilliant.

You see through all the
bullshit, even mine.

I love you, sweetheart!

Thierry...

My lil' man...

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.

I regret so much.

You're beautiful,

funny,

a ray of sunshine.

You're everything I no longer am.

Don't ever become like me.

Never!

We might not see each other again...

I want you to know I'm proud of having

brilliant and beautiful kids like you.

It's unfortunate I never told you before.

I should've told you every day...

because I thought it every day.

I love you.

The Canadian government
says it is extremely moved

by the imminent death of Marc Morin.

In a press release, Prime Minister Harper

has stated Morin's sacrifice

is in the name of counter-terrorism.

Fucking shitty Ottawa!

You're free.

We never intended to kill you.

We're doing this for a good cause.

We won't ever...

rebuild on the blood of others.

Go.

6 months later

2$.

1$.

Final offer.

3$ gets you 2.

You're ruining me!

I didn't teach her to negotiate.

That's for sure!

Thank you for taking care of her.

Ladies and gentlemen, join us tonight.

My friend Richard released
an original recipe book.

Urine Therapy - 101 cocktails

And if time allows it,

the very talented Véronique
Cloutier will join us.