Egg (2018) - full transcript

Centers on conceptual artist Tina (Reiner), when she introduces her eight-month pregnant art school rival (Hendricks) to her non-traditional surrogate Kiki (Camp), the truth outs and the patriarchy fights to hang on.

TINA: You're happy.


TINA: Really?





Do you know how much the flowers
at the wedding cost?

How come everyone always knows
how much the flowers cost?

How come you're so goddamn cute?


TINA: If we have time
before they come...

WAYNE: We have time,
we'll make time.

KAREN: How can you not remember
her? She was at our wedding.

DON: You never talk to her.
She's my only close friend from art school.

I mentioned to her that we were coming
into the city, I can't not see her.

And this is where she lives?

This can't be right.

They better have a TV.

I hate what I'm wearing.

Hang on a second.

KAREN: Is this it?

I don't know,
there's no numbers.

How can there not
be any numbers?



Son of a bitch!
No, no, no, no, no, just drive.

Just drive.

Damn it!

What's that?

Nice neighborhood.


WAYNE: Tina wants
me to get going.

No. We're having people over.

No, no, no, it's fine.

We love you too.

Okay, bye, bye.

Get dressed, please.


Okay, it so doesn't relax me
when you say that.

How do I look?

How are you trying to look?

Um, accomplished.

And excessively tasteful, sexy?

I mean, yeah.


Now it's time to play
hide the [UNINTELLIGIBLE] lie.


Oh my god, where's the squirrel?


Oh... This was our favorite
wedding present. Okay?

Whatever you say, just please
get it away from me.



We're on four.

You're doing great, babe,
doing great.

That, that's draggi...
Never mind, it's good.

You look great.

Why didn't you guys
take the elevator?

Ah, I think it's out of order.

It's a little temperamental.

I haven't seen you
since your wedding.

Well, you smell nice.
Oh, thanks.

You, look at you!
You're, you're huge!

[PANTING] I can't breathe. The
baby's pressing on my lungs.

Ah, you look great.
Ah-hah, thanks.

This is Wayne.
WAYNE: Laughing.

So nice to meet you, Wayne.

Ah, pregnant women
smell so wonderful.


I'm sorry,
but where's your bathroom?

Oh um, through the curtain.


This is a wonderfully buttery
chardonnay we found in Napa.

Awesome. Babe do you wanna
put that in the fridge?

You found this okay?

Yeah, someone
threw something at our car.

What are you driving?

Hmm. I'm parked right out front, you
think the car is gonna be okay?

I don't know,
we don't have a car.

We were looking
at a building near here

I was thinking of buying.

Yeah, Karen said the whole building, huh?

Six floors,
5,000 square feet per floor.

Holy shit!

Yeah, originally I thought maybe
we'd do one unit per floor.

But this
neighborhood is a little...

Were you thinking about living here?
No, god no.

WAYNE: It's really real.
It's a little too real.


Uh, thank you, Wayne.

So how long have
you guys lived here?

TINA: Uh...
DON: You got this place when?

Well, you should have seen it
when I got it.

This guy was like running
a motorcycle shop out of it,

but he was growing psilocybin
mushrooms in cat shit upstairs.

For years. It smelt like
cat shit whenever it rained.

How intoxicating.

So it's two floors?
Yeah, yeah, my studio is upstairs.

Wow, that's great.

Oh my god, the squirrel.


Oh my god, the squirrel.

Hey, you know that's actually
our favorite wedding gift.

You bought that?

Don, did I tell you
that thing about them eloping?

Tina wanted to elope.

No, no, no, no, no,
Wayne wanted to elope.

Right. And so Tina left
a cantaloupe on the counter

with a note
that said "can't elope".

Get it?

Can't elope.
You did tell me that.

But then we did. In Fiji, argh!

You should see the marriage
certificate, the guy was drunk on Cava.

That signature was priceless.


Ooo, would you look at that belly!
How crazy is that? Eight months?

Have you read Ina May Gaskin's
guide to childbirth?

His favorite.

Oh, you must. I mean
the part about orgasmic birth.

WAYNE: Incredible.
KAREN: Woah!

Did you know amniotic fluid
is actually urine?

Let's open that wine.
[LAUGHS] Good idea.

Well, I made
fresh orange juice for Karen.

Folic acid.
Thank you.

He is sweet.

Isn't he?

Don, look at all this artwork.
Yeah, it's all stuff our friends did.

That's Lee Majors.
The artist?

TINA: The portrait?
Six million dollar man.

[LAUGHS] It's nice you put
your friends stuff up.

TINA: Oh sorry, are you okay?

I'm okay. I'm alright.

TINA: I'm so sorry.
I'm okay, I'm okay.

DON: Hey Wayne, are you
following that Mets game today?

Oh, we don't have a TV.

Okay, so who's not drinking?

I'm abstaining in solidarity.

I, I don't want Don to feel left out.

Thank you.
Are you using a pelvic floor stretcher?

What? Wayne.

It's amazing.

It's basically a latex balloon
that you insert internally,

to train the vagina to stretch.

You know, so you don't get any
perinatal tearing during delivery.

Wow, yeah.

I really recommend it.
Thank you.

WAYNE: At the very least you
should be doing perinatal massage.

Okay. It's not too unlike
anal training for ass-play.

Cheers then, ahh.

Cheers to a...
Wait, wait, boy or a girl?

I wanted Don to be surprised.

Don wants a boy.

Why would you say that?

Wild guess.

Oh, we recently learned
this wonderful thing.

When toasting, the eyes meet,
and the glasses find each other.



Oh, that's tart.
Oh dank.

This is frickin' delicious!

Glad you like it.

You know it's illegal
to sell pregnant women alcohol

in New York City and cigarettes.

I think that's
outrageously paternalistic.

I don't think the rights
of pregnant women to smoke

is not the most pressing issue
to devote oneself to.

It's the state creeping into our
lives that's what's insidious.

I actually agree with that.

Thank you.

A woman gives up her rights as
an adult when she gets pregnant?

Her right to drink.

Her right to choose.
To drink?

[CHUCKLES] And smoke.

You really don't have a TV?

Tina, are you still making
those clothes out of money?

That's not what I was doing.

It was something
like that though.

It was about the aesthetic

of it, the design of money
and the materialism.

That's actually
how Wayne and I met.

Oh, yes.

Wayne had this magazine,
literary slash art...

Yeah, but it wasn't,
it wasn't mine.

TINA: Well, he was part of this
magazine collective thingy

and he interviewed me.

And I took him home
and he never left.

So that's what you do, Wayne?

No, no, not anymore.
So what do you do?

I don't define myself
by my work, Don.


Don, did I ever tell you about that
museum gift shop thing that Tina did?


I can't believe
you remember that.

I still have that pin.

Seriously? Aw.

But what are you doing?
How's your photography?

Oh, I haven't
done that for years.

That was totally temporary.

You were such
a great photographer.

I was a medical photographer.

Why didn't you ever do that show like I
told you? That was such a great idea.

Tina wanted me to do an art show
with my photography.

You photographed
peoples' lesions.

It was such a great idea.
Someone would write it up.

Don's becoming a little bit
of a collector.

TINA: Really?

Who are you collecting?
Uh, I just got a Gerhard Richter.

I helped him pick it out.

Hey, art appreciates even if
I don't appreciate art.

Have you read his book
The Daily Practice of Painting?

I don't know
jack shit about the guy.

Don't get that.

KAREN: Oh, you guys can
take a call.

No, u-hum.

She knows we're here.

She also knows we have company.

[PHONE RINGS] - I, I wanna take it.

One second, Kiki.

Kiki, who's Kiki?

Uh, are you guys
gonna breastfeed?


I mean, I'm planning to.

It's weird, right? A kid
hanging off your boob all day

like some kind of... tick.

Pretty distracting.
Or bonding and beautiful.

Jeeze, Tina.

Ideally it's bonding,

but when you have shit to do I don't
know, I wouldn't want someone

sucking on my nipples all day.
I mean, in a perfect world.

Well, I'm looking forward to it.

It's kind of one of
life's great experiences.

Yeah, no sorry, um...

I've just been thinking
about this stuff a lot.

I, um...

I'm actually doing a piece

on motherhood.

It's gonna be
a long term project.

Like a major life's work.

I started collecting baby books

and I'm interviewing people
who work in orphanages

and zookeepers.

Daughters, mothers, men.

Abortion providers.

I've gotten
really into bronzing,

you know like, uh,
baby shoe bronzing

and collecting baby teeth...

It's called EGG,
or EGG Provocation.

It's a commission
from the new museum.


That's great, Tina.

Good for you.

Do you find that people don't know what to
talk to you about when you're pregnant?

It's like this...

awkward thing.

Like, like when someone's
terminally ill,

and you're supposed to ask them
all these medical questions.

I, I'm sorry.
Is it bad that I said that?

No, it's just that it's more
like being a celebrity.

I feel like I get
all this special attention.

I feel very admired
and loved... and lucky.


It can be weird

when you're with people
that don't have children.

Why is that?
I don't know, you feel...

I don't know,

sorry for them, I guess.

I'm gonna get some cheese.

You shut up.

Hey, you wanted to come.
She's just insecure.

She's nuts, I can't take
another hour of this.

Stop it.
We're gonna have dinner.

What does he do?

I mean look at this place.

I'm gonna go check on the car.

And listen to the game?
Mm, maybe.

Oh uh, hey,
everything okay in there?

Hey, yeah thanks.

Pregnancy-safe cheeses.

It's so thoughtful.

Hey, did you tell them
about the house?



Don acquired quite a bit of land
on this incredible island

in the Puget Sound.

And we thought with the baby

it would be wonderful to build
this really special retreat.

Ah, we have an old family friend
who's an architect.

He's really into ecology.
As architects are.

He designed and built us
this fantastic place.

You didn't even tell me.

He used all these local materials
like old telephone poles and glass

and stone, but it's modern.

It's really like a work of art.

Dad did everything, I mean
furniture, appliances.

He shipped us this amazing
energy efficiency dishwasher

all the way from Italy.

Defeats the purpose.

KAREN: And I've been
keeping these folders

of sink fixtures,
counter tops and whatever

and John the architect
really liked my ideas.

I have always said
you had great ideas.

It really is like
living in a dream.

Ah, you know what?
We have news too.

We, we do?

Uh, you tell'em.

You are the first people
we've told, you tell.

I don't want
to make any mistakes.

You tell'em.
You guys, what?

We're having a baby too, yay!

Oh my god!

KAREN: Tina!

That's great, you guys!

Ahh, nice work.

How far along are you?

11 weeks.

11 weeks, yeah.

Are you feeling sick at all?

Never felt better.

That's great.

Wow, I am...

That's great.
Yeah, well, we are in the club too, cheers!

Here Tina, I hate
when people lecture me.

But fetal alcohol syndrome
is actually very serious.

in the first trimester.

Yeah, sorry.
I know you have your political stance.

I, I forgot.
I'm not actually pregnant.

We have a surrogate mother.



Oh wow!

Oh, a surrogate?

We know a gay couple who did that.

We do? Yeah, the guy who
did our window treatments.


Did you have to go through all
that awful IVF fertility stuff?


Well, that's good.
Yeah, no I can, I mean

we can.
This was more of an option.

Er, um.

Sort of a utopian pregnancy.

A utopian pregnancy?

It's sort of err, dismantling

and restructuring of
the traditional family unit.

A re-distribution of rules to a
more shared economy kind of thing.

Kind of.
You are the first people we've told,

we don't really have
the rap down yet.

So you can
have the baby yourself?

Right, yes I... we can,
we choose not to.

You're paying someone
to have the baby for you?



Wait, is this
part of your project?

Actually, yes.
So this was her idea, right?

Look, it's a, it's a shared project.

Right. I'm just
the one who conceived it.

The project, not the baby.

Yeah, of course
the project obviously.

It's a collaborative endeavor.

Kiki's the one who's
having the actual baby.

Yeah, I'm just saying
it was my idea.

I hardly think that it's right to
discount the labor that goes into it.

Just because you're controlling
the means of production.

Mm, that sounds hot.

I'm obviously saying this from...

Why don't you,
why don't you tell them?

Didn't wanna get fat?

Not particularly, no.

Didn't want to be

No, but its more that because the
traditional family role structure

is obsolete

and pretty much sucks for women
and men and children,

I decided to change it.

What sucks about it?

Well, I think Tina feels that there
are issues with traditional roles.

I mean, I wouldn't wanna
be a mother. Would you?

But you wanna have a baby!
TINA: Err...

Do you want
to have a baby, Tina?

We hired a surrogate mother.

And this person that you hired
is going to be... The mother.

She will have that title.

Yes, whatever that means, that's
what she wanted. God love her.

Did you bone the surrogate?
Oh my god.

Tina's egg fertilized with my sperm was
transplanted into our friends womb.

Ah, naturally.
Transplanted into... Yeah.

We were both there when
they introduced the zygote.

Must have been
a precious moment.

So it is your egg?

Yes, it's my egg
and Wayne's sperm.

Look, some women are really
into giving birth.

Others just do it
for reasons of vanity.

Or ego or guilt.

If you didn't have
to do it yourself

why else would you do it?

It's not unlike having

assistants execute your art.

You have to learn.
How to delegate.

I think tons of women
would love to do what I'm doing

they're just not ballsy enough to do it.
And you're ballsy enough?

If government and businesses are
going to devalue women's work

and make motherhood
economically unfeasible,

why not outsource it until
they make it worth our whiles

to keep babies
in their own mothers wombs.


You see this is why
people hate liberals.

Is this a joke
or are you guys doing this?

We're really doing it.

If you don't wanna have the
child, why don't you just adopt?

Why don't you?
Why don't you?

Well, Wayne was really into
having his own genetics, so...

So were you.

Oh, I didn't really want it
to be yours and hers.

That's not the point.
Oh, you don't want it to be hers.

But you want
her to be the mother.

Um, Tina is

like a sperm donor.

I'm so not like a sperm donor.

I mean, you're,
you're an egg donor.

No, I'm not.

Well, she's the mother
what are you?

I don't know.

I haven't put a label on it.

That's the most interesting part
about it, I get to

create the role.


[SIGHS] I'm just not into
being hormonally brainwashed

into this unhealthy attachment

that women have
with their babies.

Unhealthy attachment?

It's not unhealthy.

A child needs this.

And it's not an attachment,
it's a connection.

I already feel this
incredible connection.


I'm looking forward to having
a different kind of connection.

One that's less based on biology

and quite frankly economics.

What is that supposed to mean?
I'm not against having kids.

I love kids.

They're awesome.

I prefer kids to most adults,
I mean...

Raising a child, talk about an,

an amazing experiment.

So, you're really having more
of an experiment than a baby?

It's more like making
a work of art.

I'm not creating her,
I'm allowing her into existence.

You're having a girl?

Yeah, I mean well 90% yeah.

It's early, but you could buy these
DNA tests at like Walgreens.

You can tell at 11 weeks.

Wow, you guys.


Okay, it's not unlike cheese.

Cheese was created as a way
to preserve milk

before there was refrigeration.

But we don't
need cheese anymore.

But we fetishize it,
it's become this

highly stylized thing
we've developed a taste for.

Having a baby the old way

is a total fetish at this point.

I'm not doing anything different
than a gay mom.

Or, or a trans mom.

Or a Don.

I think I need some water.

I'll get it.
I'll get it.

I'll get it.

TINA: I'm just saying that
maybe if your mother hadn't

endured the pain
of childbirth for you

and sacrificed
her identity for you,

you wouldn't screen her calls.
Thank you.

Ahem, I'm curious

about this friend
you impregnated.

Heh, uh, Kiki?
Yeah, Kiki.

That was her on the phone before?

She very much wanted to give birth, but
her situation was such that she couldn't.

Her... situation

was such?
Let's just say it works for her.

We're gonna be three people
without preconceived notions

of designated roles.


Four what?
Four people.

With Kiki.
Yes four, obviously.

Is she going to
take care of the baby?

We're going to work
those things out as we go along.

Are you having a nanny?

Yeah, I mean, yeah.

is that different from me?

It's different.

Meanwhile the kids
usually like the nanny better.

No, they don't!

I'm gonna be like
the fun, sexy nanny then.

Is Kiki moving in with you?

Maybe temporarily.

You're figuring it out
as you go.

She's not living here.

Don't eat too much.

Oh, these cheeses are from
this lesbian couple upstate

that name
each one of their goats.

Stop fetishizing the cheese.

Hmm-hmm, fuck off.

Oh my god, I was kidding!

People have the most fucked up
reasons for having kids.

I know women who have them
just to jump social class.

Or, or to hang on
to their husbands.

Meanwhile, half the time the guy doesn't
want to be a father in the first place.

He's just going along with it.
Jesus Christ, Tina!

It's not all so sinister.

It's actually one of the most
beautiful things in life.

And I, I think it's sad
that you can't see it that way.

Well, I do too.

So Kiki is whose friend?

She originally was my friend.

She was temping at the place
where Wayne was freelancing.

Did you talk to anyone before you did this?

Did you talk to anyone
before you did this?


You didn't ask us if we'd talked to anyone when
you thought we were having a regular old baby.

You thought it was awesome.

Actually I didn't.


I mean I was happy for you,
but I was surprised.

You... You're a little selfish.

[TINA CHUCKLES] I'm selfish?

A little, yeah.

You know I don't even
think this sounds legal.


Legal, that's not a moral code
I'm particularly interested in.

So you and Kiki don't have a contract?

All these privileges for married people

and families, tax breaks
and health insurance

and Green Cards, it's sick.
Why did you get married?

Wayne was broke,
you gotta work the system.

Don't get that.

Hang on a sec.

You know for a minute there
I forgot all about the game.

I like Scandinavian mothers.

They're so relaxed.

I could totally be
like a Danish mom.

What's up?

She told Clark.
Argh, that idiot.

Wait, hang on hang on you're going out?

I could go with you.
We could take my car.

WAYNE: Great.
Wayne. Don.

I'll be right back, Tina.


Have fun.
TINA: When are you... Wayne.

It does that sometimes.



You know why Don went? He wants
to listen to the game in the car.

I'm sorry if I got a little...

It's just, this
whole thing with Kiki is...

What happened?
Who's this guy she told?

Kiki's boyfriend

who's married.

Her boyfriend's married?
With five kids.

Are you serious?

Well, four or five, five if you
count the one in the institution.

Yeah, the one
in the institution counts.

So, five then.

I feel dizzy,
do you have any food?

Oh yeah, sorry.

So go straight and to the left.


We're not far.

Hey, we can drag this out
as long as you like.

You want me to put
that seat back for you?


You want some air?

Oh my god, Karen, I'm so sorry.
You must be so hungry.

Wayne made this Ethiopian dish.

Oo, what is it?


Wat, that's wat.

Thank you so much. I'm starving.

I'm sorry. I was supposed to be
Wayne's [INDISTINCT] tonight.

I totally spaced.
It's really good.

Really? Mm.

This is good chow.
Mm, this is seriously good.

Hey, I wanna show you
something upstairs.

You still smoking?
Yeah, but not in the house.

Where did you get these?

People kept on sending us
pictures of their kids,

so I just blew 'em up.

Do your ex-boyfriends send you
pictures of their kids all the time?

Mine do.

Do you think it's this weird
sexual overture or aggression?

Maybe they're just proud.
Doubt it.

Remember Marcello, the organic
herb guy from the farmers market?

That's his son.

He's so cute!


It does sort of smell
like cat piss in here.




I've been collecting jewelry, that
women make out of baby teeth.

Necklaces with their kids'
initials and names on it.

Like this weird
ostentatious conquest.

So Kiki's married boyfriend

had no idea she was doing this?

They were taking a break after
he fired her from his office.

Oh god.

Well, you have all
these single women

in these extra marital affairs
who want to be mothers.

Well, maybe they shouldn't be
in extra marital affairs.

Yeah, dream on!

This just seems really weird.

You don't seem like
you want to have a baby.

Wayne didn't want it till June.

When we met,
he was totally against it.

We agreed, I mean...

It was a big part of why
we were attracted to each other.

We believed
in perfect bi-solation.

Two people,
alone together in love.

We thought having kids
was a kind of agenda.

And then I got pregnant.


Which was an accident.


Like a year ago.

Oh, Tina.

We um, decided against it.

Against the pregnancy, because

we agreed and it was an accident

and we didn't want them,

and we agreed, so...

We ended it.

Was that hard?


Oh, I'm sorry.

Anyway, after that
we were suddenly...

It was weird,
I mean he was always

good with kids,
he would like them.

But suddenly,
he just had to be a father.

Had to have a baby.

And then when
Wayne met Kiki, and...

She wanted to be a mother, but she
was in this stupid relationship

where she couldn't
have one, and...

I started thinking, I could do
as much as a father, right?


Hmm, it was something
he really wanted.

And I wanted him
to have a life, you know.

What he really wanted.

Others have it easy.

Frickin' late, looking great.

My child, picture on the desk.

I can do that.
Come on.



I just wanted to do it
in a way that I could handle.

Why didn't you just try to get
pregnant again and see what happened?


Well, I guess it's nice you're
trying to give him what he wants.


How old is Kiki?
Our age, a little younger.

Sit down.



Awesome, right?

Ahh, ha, ha, okay!


Help. Ow.

Boy or girl?

Oh god.
Come on, tell me.


Don't tell Don.
A little boy.

Yeah, so...

Is that what you wanted?

I mean I guess I always thought
I'd be happy with either, but...

I always pictured myself
with a little girl.

Maybe I'm just not into
super heroes and video games

and dump trucks and reptiles.
Oh, honey.

I don't, I hate science museums.

Oh, everybody hates
science museums.


It'll be okay. I'll be okay.

It'll be great!

My friends say I'll forget
I ever felt this way.

Daughters steal your beauty
when you're pregnant,

have you ever heard that?

Yeah, Italians say that, I think

and traditionally
everyone wanted boys,

so if you're going to be
traditional, it's good, right?


Traditionally some countries
like to drown baby girls, so...

Fuck tradition.
Ha, ha, yes!

Please, fuck tradition.

Ah, I think a lot of people
would love not to have kids

until they're brainwashed into thinking
they won't be happy without them.

I see all these girls
going up to college,

and I can't help but think
why are we educating them,

why don't we send them
straight from high school

to Pilates if that's all they're gonna do?

Stop attacking me!


I'm not attacking you.
You're attacking me.

How am I attacking you?

Look at you, you're like this
giant beach ball of bliss.

You're like this
living monument of sexism,

you're so beautiful
and glowing and...

I'm going to use the bathroom.

I'll, um, check on the guys.

I'm really glad
you got a chance to see this.

KAREN: It's amazing.


I admire your...


[ANSWERING MACHINE] Hey this is Wayne.
I'm not here right now, leave a message.

Hey, it's me
I'm just checking in.


No one thinks that it's weird
to wanna have a baby,

but basically you're inviting
a complete stranger

you know nothing about
into your life forever.

But people think
adopting a foster child

or a helper monkey is insane.

Did you just say helper monkey?

Come here.

You look a mess, Karen.


This just isn't
the greatest time for me.

We're actually... [SNIFFS]

We're just not having
the greatest time.

It's been really hard.

Wayne's so sweet,
he's so into the pregnancy.

Yeah well, just 'cause someone's
loving and giving

doesn't mean they're not
doing it for selfish reasons.

Don's just at work all the time.

And he's just not
like that, you know.

And I'm just...
feeling insecure.

You guys having sex?

Are you getting on otherwise?

I mean, sure. [SHE SNIFFS]

Aside from the lack of sex

and him never being home and me
yelling at him whenever he is.

Great then. Yeah.

Hey, clearly he's working it in.

I mean, that was a factor.

Not everyone has
a trust fund, Tina.

Not a trust fund.
Some of us have to live in reality.

It's not a trust fund.
Well, whatever it is.

It, it's barely enough
to scrape by

and I mean,
look at where we live.


Still what? I work my ass off.

Give me some of that wine.

Are you sure?

It's okay to drink a little bit
in the last few months.

Just don't tell Don.

Your secret's safe with me.

I'm so getting another bottle.

Don didn't wanna have the baby.

I mean not... now anyway.

So, why are you having it?


I didn't want to wait, I'm 42.

We were going to do it anyway.

He thinks I tricked him.

Did you?
Sort of.

He's gonna be so happy
when the baby's born.


Everything looks better
at four in the morning

when you're staring
into a diaper.

I think he's starting
to hate me.

Does it seem like he hates me?

I don't know.

I think he hates me.

He really hates me!


You were going to have kids
anyway, right?

So? Who cares what he thinks.

You're doing what you want.

You should be with Wayne.


Did you see the way
he was looking at you?


I think he's developed
like this pregnancy fetish.

It's gross.

What's Kiki like?

She's stupid in some ways, but she has some
sort of theory behind that men love her.


Where the fuck are those guys?

Oh, I have an idea.
No, don't stop.

No, I'm not playing that game.

You love this game.

You're curious about Wayne,
I can tell.

You're curious about Don.
That's what it is.

Ew. No.


I'm a little rusty.



What are you doing over there?

You're kind of like
the DaVinci of dicks.

You just love drawing penises.

I think you do this
when I'm not even here.

You miss drawing
like this, don't you?

Admit it.

Do you remember that first
uncircumcised one we did?

Or, I did. [LAUGHS]

Who could forget.
It was ah, eye opening!

To say the least!

Okay, are you ready?

Hold on.

Come on.
Hold on!

It's gotta be perfect.

Pencils down.

Okay, okay.



This is so good.

Look at the shading,
there is so much feeling.

You always were
a better artist than me.


Better drawer.
He's got a great little personality!

I like its crown.

That's not what I was...

I don't know what I was going
for. [LAUGHS]

I made it small,
so you would feel better.

Oh, that was big of you.

Wayne's cute, right?

He's perfect for you.

I think he's cute.

He's so principled.

I don't know, I think maybe
Don is boning someone else.

A lot of guys hit on me
when their wives were pregnant.

Oh, that's just great.

I am just saying, so you don't
take it personally.

I think they feel
scared or trapped

or horny or whatever.
You're defending him?

I am just saying.

Do you think
he seems like he is?

How could I tell?
I don't know.

I hate this.

Have you asked him?

Not directly, just some
nasty hints and comments.

Okay, suppose he is?

Do you care?
Of course I care.

Okay, so then confront him
or ask him or whatever.

Right, and end up a single mom
out in the suburbs.

Online dating
like Chrissy Shipman.

Who's Crissy Shipman?

You remember Chrissy Shipman,
she lived on our floor.

Ew, you still keep up
with that looser?

Just on Facebook.

Just name the baby after some

beloved relative of his.

What's some relative
he's totally into?

His grandfather, I guess.

What's his grandfather's name?

It, it's cute. Elliot, Elliot,
Elliot. [SAYS IT LIKE E.T.]

E.T. phone home.


I would never have thought that.

No, it's really sweet.

Name the baby Elliot,

you will lock him in for life
with that one.


Oh my god, that's them.

Oh, do you have any mouthwash?
Yeah, come.


Don't ask Don about
him fooling around, I know you.

Don't tell Wayne
I'm still smoking.

Don't tell Don I was drinking.


KIKI: I said wait, wait,
he has brain cancer?

And they were like, no, Kiki,
he is a break dancer.


I can't believe, I mean...

That's fantastic.
Here, let me help you.

Oh my god, yeah.
I can see why you guys chose her.

Oh, shut up.

I'll get you
something to put on.

Hi, I'm Kiki.

I'm Wayne and Tina's
baby surrogate mom.

And you are?
I'm Karen.

You're pregnant too, right?
Oh no, I'm not pregnant.

I'm kidding.

Oh god, good.

It's always so horrible when you
ask someone if they're pregnant,

and then it just turns out
that they're just you know, fat.

Oh well, I'm pregnant and fat.

Oh god, no, no, no,
I didn't mean that you're...

Er, sorry. No, I mean
obviously you're pregnant.

Doesn't she look wonderful?

Yeah, you have such rosy cheeks.


Oh, thank you.

So who's winning?

Er, Mets. Mets won.

Were you drinking?

So uh...

How do you two know each other?

We're married.
Oh, I was just kidding.

You better not
have been drinking.

It is really, really bad.

Oh, I'm aware, thank you.

Don't get around your friend
and start fucking around.


It is like really weird.

I always thought it would be the
hardest thing to give up alcohol.

But I don't even wanna drink.

It's like all I'm craving is,
is fresh air.

Fresh fruits
and fresh vegetables.

You seem better.
I am, thank you.

So how many months are you?



Were you like, so hot all the
time in your first few months?

I don't think
I was hot, actually.


Well, were your breasts like
really sensitive?

Because my breasts are
like so sensitive all the time.

And I am so thirsty.
I, I'll get you some water.

Oh, no, no, hey, just, you sit.

Kiki has not had any morning
sickness at all, which is great.

What did she tell Clark?

Oh, I don't know,
we didn't get into it.

The game was on.

Plus we stopped
at a tapas place.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, you stopped
at a tapas place?

She was hungry,
she wanted to unwind.

I'm really sorry to be breaking
up your party like this.

Why are you apologizing to me?

Mm, uhm, I don't know.

I'm sorry.
It's fine.

Oh, thanks.

So, what happened?

Mm... mm.

Clarks wife is pregnant.

What again?
What is that like six?

Yeah, I mean he is never
going to leave her.

Ever. So I told him
that I was pregnant

and now he wants to leave me.

You know, I'm like really hot. I can't
like deal with this, I'm sorry.

Wait, why did you tell him?

Uh, I had to because

when he heard that she was
pregnant, he needed to see me

and then when he saw my belly
he could just tell.

What belly?
He saw your belly?

He said it was the stupidest
thing that I've ever done.

DON: Who's Clark?

KIKI: Clark and I have
been in a relationship

for five stupid years.

And he's married?

DON: And he doesn't know anything
about your arrangement with these two?

DON: I love it.

KIKI: You know what? He said the worst
possible things to me. WAYNE: Like what?

Like you've got better things
to do with your life.

And I was like what? Sit around
with my looks disintegrating

waiting for you to divorce that
preppy little witch you hate?

[SNIFFS] Jesus.

KIKI: Oh, oh my god
I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's okay.

Oh my god, I'm gonna be okay.

Oh god, I am so sorry.

It's fine. Don't worry about it,
she cries all the time.

Cause You stay out all the time.
You got her drunk.

Arrest me.

I am the one
who should be crying.

She's got a man and a baby.

And I have no man and I have
like a timeshare in a baby.

I'm sure you and Clark
will work it out.

Why should she work it out?

He's a jerk.
She loves him.

He's married.
She likes married guys.

I'm almost passed my prime.

No you are a young,
beautiful woman.

I am in phase four.

Oh, you're not
in phase four, Kiki.

Four what?
Er Kiki, Kiki

has these theories about
the phases of a woman's life.

Go ahead, tell them.
No listen, I don't wanna bore you.

No, not at all.


There are five phases
of a woman's life.

And the first is girlhood.

Like learning what's expected of you.
You know, what's sexy.

And incidentally I realized
this is where most young women

plant the seeds
for their second marriages

by like sitting on their
fathers' friends' laps

and stuff like that.

Yeah. And phase two

is when you grow boobs.

And men of all ages,
they start to look at them.

And you know it
and they know it.

But everyone around you pretends
like it's like not happening.

And this is when women are
actually in their fullest power.

Yeah, I'm nervous as a cat
around teenage girls. See.

Yeah they're very intimidating, Don.

Are you okay?

KAREN: I'm fine.

Um, Kiki was just telling us about her
theory of the phases of a woman's life.


Phase three

is when you're in your 20's

and your like very early 30's,

and you have to be smart

and supportive.

And you have to like be a really
good partner for your man.

Oh, and you have to have a man
in phase three.

And you have to stay sexy enough
so it keeps him challenged

and interested.
Ow! You're squeezing my hand too hard.

And you also have to like follow him around

anywhere so he'll marry you.


And that brings us
to phase four.

Which is my phase.

You are not in phase four.
Phase four.

You have to be a mother.

You see once women turn 30, they
like start to look like shit.

And their faces
get all like coarse.

And their teeth get all stained
from all that partying they did

supporting their man
in phase three.

And their cleavage starts
to get like chicken skin

and disgusting.

And nobody wants to look
directly at women in phase four.

I mean, particularly like in the
later stages of it. I mean, I don't.

I don't. I have to make like a
concerted effort to look at them.

We all do, it's depressing.

We only need phase four women
as mother figures.

As like therapists and mentors

and we need them for their
business connections

and their social connections, and we need them
to give us like their cool vintage clothing

that they can't
fit into anymore.

Clark already has someone
in phase four.

He doesn't need me.

I was his little vixen.

And now that I'm pregnant,
I'm not a vixen anymore.

Oh my god, I feel so fat!

[SOBS] I'm like hot
and disgusting.


I'm still a vixen inside.

I'm not.

I am not a vixen.
Yeah, you are.

You are both vixens.

No I'm not, look at me.

Oh my god, I can't keep having
this conversation with you.

Every day she wants me to
tell her she looks beautiful,

and the truth is
she's looked better.

And she will again.

What if I don't?
[CHUCKLES] You better.

Hey, you are luminous.

Give it a rest.
All I want is to have a baby.

And I wanna get married.

Why is that so hard?

Oh, and I have to move out
of the apartment.

Why? Does he pay
for the apartment?

Oh, I think that's personal.
Don't you?

Oh yeah, certainly, I'm sorry.
No, like, don't even...

Oh shit. I'm sorry.



Oh, oh god, I'm so sorry.
Where should I be?

Is that him?

well actually I'm with people
who care about me, right now.

Yeah, uh-huh, that's right.


You know what? You can just
like, go fuck yourself!

I'm gonna hang up right now!

If you don't wanna talk to him,

why don't you turn off
your phone?

Um, I don't know, I should.

We should leave.
No, god no, okay.

I'm sorry. You know what? I
don't wanna mess up your party.

I'm gonna go.
BOTH MEN: No, don't go!


What did he want?
Um, I guess...

I guess he wants me
to change my mind.

What does that mean?
What do you think it means?

Oh, absolutely not!

Hey! Don't yell at me.

I'm not yelling,
I'm just adamant.

This is our kid we're talking about, Kiki.
I know.

Is that something
you're considering?

Are you sure?

I mean, you want to do this, right?

This is something you want?

I wanna have a baby.

Okay, then.

Sort of.

I mean, oh my god.

How did I mess up
my life so bad?

I think I just have
too much integrity.

All of my friends said

I should have
just gotten pregnant

when I was first seeing Clark.

All of my friends said it.

Within three months I should have
just gotten like knocked up,

while he was so vulnerable,
you know?

While he was dying for me.

I've ruined my life.
This guy sounds like a total asshole.

He's not. You don't even know,
his wife is horrible.

He doesn't even want kids, but
every time he's about to leave her

she gets pregnant!

Oh, she does it on purpose!

She doesn't even love him.
It's like she hates him.

All she ever does
is yell at him.

He's just too good
of a guy to leave her.

He's like this noble person

who has been trapped
by this horrible woman

who keeps having his children and
then turning them against him.

He married her.
Because she was pregnant.

I mean, people never
have sympathy for men.

And he has another ex-wife who has
been sponging off of him for years.

He does? And she'll never get
re-married because she wants to keep

getting alimony from him.

See divorce laws in this
country are outrageous,

that's what needs reform.

I feel a little bit sick.
Do you want some water?

Okay then.

Why can't I ever
just have what I want?

No one ever wants
to be with me for forever.

Just on the weekdays.

What's wrong with me?



Oh my god, I love this!

It's perfect, it looks
like he got a little crown.

What's this supposed to be?
Give me...

Is that you?

Woah, okay this one...


Oh my god, did you draw this?
She made me do it.

It's something that we used to do.
C'mon let's, let's have a look.

Come on, come on.
Oh my god, that looks great.

What's this? Huh?

What yeah, I'm sorry.

Maybe you should show Kiki
your penis, so everyone knows.

Yeah, maybe I should!

Okay kids, please.
I just don't understand why you would draw

this unflattering
rendition of my penis?

Why would you do that?
She actually said it didn't do you justice.

Thank you.
You are quite an artist.

Am I too female, Tina?

Yeah, you know what? Maybe you
should wear an undershirt

and like beat me or something.

Maybe I should

since you made me wear this
stupid shirt in the first place.

Oh, super macho!

I'd like to amend
my drawing, if I may.

Wayne, it's just a game.

What is wrong with you?
Why are you acting like this?

How should I be acting?

Since it's up you, huh?

I act the way you want me to

and you draw me
with a one inch cock!

It's not one inch!

We didn't even really
determine the scale, Wayne.

Well, you figured it out.

You know, I think
what Wayne is trying to say...

I don't really care what you
think Wayne is trying to say.

Don't tell her what to care
about what someone thinks.


Kiki, have the baby,
Wayne, change the baby!

But Tina goes off
on her merry way

doing whatever
she wants, because

the only thing that's
important in the world right now

is what's Tina wants.

I'm getting a stomach ache.
Don, should we go?

No, no, no, shh.

I didn't do this whole thing
so you could turn around

and persecute Kiki.

How am I persecuting Kiki?

You're treating her like
a second class citizen.

Oh, suddenly she has
her crotch in your face

and I'm persecuting her?

She's not an idiot, she
knows exactly what she's doing.

Put the fucking sweat pants on.

Uh-hu, do not
talk to her like that!

Hmm. That's the mother
of your child.

You can mind your own business.

Too much male energy
in the room for you, Tina?

Oh, is that how you describe the energy?

Okay, I gotta pee.

It's time to go.

You got something
on your dress there.

You know what they used to
call women like you?

What, Don?


Yeah. Women like me have always
scared men like you.

You don't scare me.

Yeah, I do.

It seems somethings growing
between these two.

No, sorry.

Something between us
has grown inside her.

Huh, that's very good.
You like playing games.

You get off on power games?

I think this is a very interesting
game you're playing right here.

Kiki, you've been kicked out
of your apartment, right?

Hmm, maybe I can help you.

Don. I just bought a
building in the East Village

and there's a rent
stabilized apartment.

We just evicted the tenant.

Was it an elderly person?

What about I put you
on the lease?

What would that mean? That would mean
you have a rent stabilized apartment

in the East Village
for the rest of your life

for about $415 a month.

Oh my god!

Would that change anything?

Ha, ha, oh my god.

We're not giving Kiki
an apartment.

No, I'm not talking about
giving it to Kiki.

I'm talking about
giving it to Wayne.

Wayne doesn't need an apartment.

If that would change
anything in this... Situation.

No, thanks.

I'm offering it to Wayne.

Why would you do that?
Well, I need a project too.

He doesn't want...

Does it have a washer and a dryer?
There's a hook up.

I think we should talk about it.

WAYNE: I mean
it's a generous offer.

Are you high?

I mean if you two don't
have a legal agreement

and Kiki is the mother...
It's my egg.

You don't really have a legal agreement.
Wayne and I are married.

By a drunk guy in Thailand.

It's Fiji
By a drunk guy in Fiji.

I mean just in case legal is a
moral code you're interested in.

Kiki has my baby inside her.

Our, our baby.

And I'm feeling all these primal

feelings arise
unexpectantly very powerful.

I didn't know
I was going to feel so...


Yeah, primal.

Great, so you finally muster this
primal male feeling and... And what?

I, I don't know what, Wayne?

I don't know, I don't know.

Well, spit it out, because you've got a
sweet offer on the table, right, Don?

You know, Tina.

It is a basic feminine instinct

that's lacking in you.

Really, what basic feminine
instinct am I lacking this week?


I hate that word!
I love it.

She's nurturing?

She's a fucking train wreck.

Excuse me?

She's having my baby.

Our baby!

I'm not nurturing?

All I do is nurture you.

I support
your meandering career.

I pay for this place, I'm so fucking
sick of nurturing, I could puke!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I floated your fucking magazine.

You don't float it anymore.
You ditched it!

Because we started
a new project, Wayne!

You know, there's
a photograph in a book.

A family of women.
A woman riding a bike pregnant.

The wind blowing in her hair.

Wearing denim overalls.

The expression on her face.

Simple joy.

That's what I want.

A pair of overalls?

Simple joy.

It's not simple, Wayne.

It is for some people.

TINA: Okay.

I'm gonna make it really simple.

Are you banging her?


Okay, then.
But I...

But what?
What are you trying to say?

I, I don't know.
Stop pushing me.

I just don't want to miss out
on something vital.

Something vital?
You and I, this isn't vital?

No, you are no longer
vital to the equation.

You're... you didn't want to be.
We're not vital?

That was the whole
fuckin plan or...

Or was I just the bread...
Oh my god.

[SIGHS] Did you guys plan this,
was this some kind of plan?

You know we didn't.
I don't know anything anymore.

How are guys gonna make money?
Maybe you can provide child support.

You're having an abortion.

No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.

She's not having an abortion.
We'll see about that.

Not unless Clark and I get back together.
You're not!

You're incredible. This is what you choose
after all you're high moral ground?

You choose a rescue mission,
the power of a powerless woman

no man can resist.
Were you ever a stripper?

So what if she was?

You didn't love me!

You married me for tax purposes.

Don't be an idiot.

You didn't want my baby.

You killed my child!

This again, no.
Yes, this again. I'm sorry!

You can't agree to it
and then hold it against me

for the rest of our lives.

I can't help how I feel!

After you did what you did.
We did it.

You did it! It was your choice,
I went along with it.

It was your choice.

I wanna feel the kind of love
people talk about.

Me too. I don't wanna think
about myself all the time.

Me too.
I want to be with a woman

who doesn't think having my baby
is ruining her life.

Or one that just won't say it?

You want a liar, you want
a manipulative coward?

That's, that's what
you think about mothers.

You'd be surprised.

All night
you've been attacking her.

And Kiki and anyone who makes choices,

choices you don't happen
to agree with.

Because they are miserable
and they won't admit it!

She's joyous!

She's serene!
You wanna look at Karen.

First time since
Kiki walked in, but...

You know what, okay.

This is your idea of a happy couple?

A perfect situation?

I am happy.

Ugh! Huh-huh-huh!


I'm sick of everyone
pretending to be happy.

Everyone on drugs, pretending
everything's fine and buying big houses

to get away from each other, having
kids 'cause they've run out of friends

having these fucking little
accessories who are excuses

for every fucked up
choice they make.

And they are just gonna grow up
to be more people I fucking hate!

Those are your words, Wayne.

I don't feel like that anymore.

I'm allowed to change, Tina.

Okay, okay.

You're happy?



We're happy.
You're the one who's unhappy.

So everyone's happy except me?

Looks like it.
I'm happy!

I mean as long as
I can get the apartment.

This sucks!

After everything I did for you.

I... I did this for you.

And I let her into our lives so
you could have what you wanted.

'Cause that's how much
I love you, bonehead.

I don't even understand
what you want.

It's all theories
and semantics with you.

You want equality.

You wanna change the world,
you want social justice,

you want all this crap
I don't even remember anymore.

When did social justice
become crap to you?

You sound like you joined the
pod-people. Wayne, come on.

Maybe this is what you want.

You can visit.

You can still do your project.

It might be good for
your project. And, hey, hey.

You're gonna do so many
amazing things in life.

And I'm not gonna
stand in your way.


Well, this has been interesting.

Are we leaving?

We'll be in touch.

KAREN: Can I hug you?


Send a picture of Elliot
when he's born.


It was super awesome
meeting you guys.

I'm gonna take Kiki home.


I forgot... I forgot the bike.


I'm sorry.


TINA: Hi, what are you
doing here?

KAREN: Oh my god, I haven't
seen you in so long...