Egg (2018) - full transcript

TINA: You're happy.

KAREN: Yes.

TINA: Really?

KAREN: Yes.

[SIRENS IN BACKGROUND]

[XYLOPHONE MUSIC]

[SONG]

Do you know how much the flowers

at the wedding cost?

How come everyone always knows

how much the flowers cost?

How come you're so goddamn cute?

[BOTH GIGGLE]

TINA: If we have time

before they come...

WAYNE: We have time,

we'll make time.

KAREN: How can you not remember

her? She was at our wedding.

DON: You never talk to her.

She's my only close friend from art school.

I mentioned to her that we were coming

into the city, I can't not see her.

And this is where she lives?

This can't be right.

They better have a TV.

I hate what I'm wearing.

Hang on a second.

KAREN: Is this it?

I don't know,

there's no numbers.

How can there not

be any numbers?

[SHE GIGGLES]

[SPLASH]

[SHE SCREAMS]

Son of a bitch!

No, no, no, no, no, just drive.

Just drive.

Damn it!

What's that?

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Nice neighborhood.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

WAYNE: Tina wants

me to get going.

No. We're having people over.

No, no, no, it's fine.

We love you too.

Okay, bye, bye.

Get dressed, please.

Relax.

Okay, it so doesn't relax me

when you say that.

How do I look?

How are you trying to look?

Um, accomplished.

And excessively tasteful, sexy?

I mean, yeah.

Yeah!

Now it's time to play

hide the [UNINTELLIGIBLE] lie.

Depressants.

Oh my god, where's the squirrel?

Yes.

Oh... This was our favorite

wedding present. Okay?

Whatever you say, just please

get it away from me.

Please.

[BUZZER]

We're on four.

You're doing great, babe,

doing great.

That, that's draggi...

Never mind, it's good.

You look great.

Why didn't you guys

take the elevator?

Ah, I think it's out of order.

It's a little temperamental.

Ah-ha.

I haven't seen you

since your wedding.

Well, you smell nice.

Oh, thanks.

You, look at you!

You're, you're huge!

[PANTING] I can't breathe. The

baby's pressing on my lungs.

Ah, you look great.

Ah-hah, thanks.

This is Wayne.

WAYNE: Laughing.

So nice to meet you, Wayne.

Ah, pregnant women

smell so wonderful.

Okay.

I'm sorry,

but where's your bathroom?

Oh um, through the curtain.

Wow.

This is a wonderfully buttery

chardonnay we found in Napa.

Awesome. Babe do you wanna

put that in the fridge?

You found this okay?

Yeah, someone

threw something at our car.

What are you driving?

Cadillac.

Hmm. I'm parked right out front, you

think the car is gonna be okay?

I don't know,

we don't have a car.

We were looking

at a building near here

I was thinking of buying.

Yeah, Karen said the whole building, huh?

Yeah.

Six floors,

5,000 square feet per floor.

Holy shit!

Yeah, originally I thought maybe

we'd do one unit per floor.

But this

neighborhood is a little...

Were you thinking about living here?

No, god no.

WAYNE: It's really real.

It's a little too real.

TINA: Uh.

Uh, thank you, Wayne.

So how long have

you guys lived here?

TINA: Uh...

DON: You got this place when?

Well, you should have seen it

when I got it.

This guy was like running

a motorcycle shop out of it,

but he was growing psilocybin

mushrooms in cat shit upstairs.

For years. It smelt like

cat shit whenever it rained.

How intoxicating.

Huh.

So it's two floors?

Yeah, yeah, my studio is upstairs.

Wow, that's great.

Oh my god, the squirrel.

[SHE LAUGHS]

Oh my god, the squirrel.

Hey, you know that's actually

our favorite wedding gift.

You bought that?

Don, did I tell you

that thing about them eloping?

No.

Tina wanted to elope.

No, no, no, no, no,

Wayne wanted to elope.

Right. And so Tina left

a cantaloupe on the counter

with a note

that said "can't elope".

Get it?

Can't elope.

You did tell me that.

But then we did. In Fiji, argh!

You should see the marriage

certificate, the guy was drunk on Cava.

That signature was priceless.

[LAUGHING]

Hilarious.

Ooo, would you look at that belly!

How crazy is that? Eight months?

Have you read Ina May Gaskin's

guide to childbirth?

His favorite.

No.

Oh, you must. I mean

the part about orgasmic birth.

WAYNE: Incredible.

KAREN: Woah!

Did you know amniotic fluid

is actually urine?

Let's open that wine.

[LAUGHS] Good idea.

Well, I made

fresh orange juice for Karen.

Folic acid.

Thank you.

He is sweet.

Isn't he?

Don, look at all this artwork.

Yeah, it's all stuff our friends did.

That's Lee Majors.

The artist?

TINA: The portrait?

Six million dollar man.

[LAUGHS] It's nice you put

your friends stuff up.

TINA: Oh sorry, are you okay?

I'm okay. I'm alright.

TINA: I'm so sorry.

I'm okay, I'm okay.

DON: Hey Wayne, are you

following that Mets game today?

Oh, we don't have a TV.

Okay, so who's not drinking?

I'm abstaining in solidarity.

Karen?

I, I don't want Don to feel left out.

Thank you.

Are you using a pelvic floor stretcher?

What? Wayne.

Um.

It's amazing.

It's basically a latex balloon

that you insert internally,

to train the vagina to stretch.

You know, so you don't get any

perinatal tearing during delivery.

Wow.

Wow, yeah.

I really recommend it.

Thank you.

WAYNE: At the very least you

should be doing perinatal massage.

Okay. It's not too unlike

anal training for ass-play.

Okay.

Cheers then, ahh.

Cheers to a...

Wait, wait, boy or a girl?

I wanted Don to be surprised.

Don wants a boy.

Why would you say that?

Wild guess.

Oh, we recently learned

this wonderful thing.

When toasting, the eyes meet,

and the glasses find each other.

[GIGGLES]

Cheers.

[GLASSES CLINKING]

Cheers.

Oh, that's tart.

Oh dank.

This is frickin' delicious!

Glad you like it.

[GLASSES CHINK]

You know it's illegal

to sell pregnant women alcohol

in New York City and cigarettes.

I think that's

outrageously paternalistic.

I don't think the rights

of pregnant women to smoke

is not the most pressing issue

to devote oneself to.

It's the state creeping into our

lives that's what's insidious.

I actually agree with that.

Thank you.

A woman gives up her rights as

an adult when she gets pregnant?

Her right to drink.

Her right to choose.

To drink?

[CHUCKLES] And smoke.

You really don't have a TV?

No.

Tina, are you still making

those clothes out of money?

That's not what I was doing.

It was something

like that though.

It was about the aesthetic

of it, the design of money

and the materialism.

That's actually

how Wayne and I met.

Oh, yes.

Wayne had this magazine,

literary slash art...

Yeah, but it wasn't,

it wasn't mine.

TINA: Well, he was part of this

magazine collective thingy

and he interviewed me.

And I took him home

and he never left.

So that's what you do, Wayne?

No, no, not anymore.

So what do you do?

I don't define myself

by my work, Don.

[PATS HIM ON THE SHOULDER]

Don, did I ever tell you about that

museum gift shop thing that Tina did?

No.

I can't believe

you remember that.

I still have that pin.

Seriously? Aw.

But what are you doing?

How's your photography?

Oh, I haven't

done that for years.

That was totally temporary.

You were such

a great photographer.

I was a medical photographer.

Why didn't you ever do that show like I

told you? That was such a great idea.

Tina wanted me to do an art show

with my photography.

You photographed

peoples' lesions.

It was such a great idea.

Someone would write it up.

Don's becoming a little bit

of a collector.

TINA: Really?

Who are you collecting?

Uh, I just got a Gerhard Richter.

Really?

I helped him pick it out.

Hey, art appreciates even if

I don't appreciate art.

Have you read his book

The Daily Practice of Painting?

I don't know

jack shit about the guy.

[PHONE RINGS]

Don't get that.

KAREN: Oh, you guys can

take a call.

No, u-hum.

[PHONE RINGS AGAIN]

She knows we're here.

She also knows we have company.

[PHONE RINGS] - I, I wanna take it.

Don't.

One second, Kiki.

Kiki, who's Kiki?

Uh, are you guys

gonna breastfeed?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm planning to.

It's weird, right? A kid

hanging off your boob all day

like some kind of... tick.

Pretty distracting.

Or bonding and beautiful.

Jeeze, Tina.

Ideally it's bonding,

but when you have shit to do I don't

know, I wouldn't want someone

sucking on my nipples all day.

I mean, in a perfect world.

Well, I'm looking forward to it.

It's kind of one of

life's great experiences.

Yeah, no sorry, um...

I've just been thinking

about this stuff a lot.

I, um...

I'm actually doing a piece

on motherhood.

Really?

It's gonna be

a long term project.

Like a major life's work.

I started collecting baby books

and I'm interviewing people

who work in orphanages

and zookeepers.

Zookeepers?

Daughters, mothers, men.

Abortion providers.

I've gotten

really into bronzing,

you know like, uh,

baby shoe bronzing

and collecting baby teeth...

It's called EGG,

or EGG Provocation.

It's a commission

from the new museum.

Wow!

That's great, Tina.

Good for you.

Do you find that people don't know what to

talk to you about when you're pregnant?

It's like this...

awkward thing.

Like, like when someone's

terminally ill,

and you're supposed to ask them

all these medical questions.

I, I'm sorry.

Is it bad that I said that?

No, it's just that it's more

like being a celebrity.

I feel like I get

all this special attention.

I feel very admired

and loved... and lucky.

Really?

Although...

It can be weird

when you're with people

that don't have children.

Why is that?

I don't know, you feel...

I don't know,

sorry for them, I guess.

I'm gonna get some cheese.

You shut up.

[GIGGLING UNDER HER BREATH]

Hey, you wanted to come.

She's just insecure.

She's nuts, I can't take

another hour of this.

Stop it.

We're gonna have dinner.

What does he do?

Quiet.

I mean look at this place.

I'm gonna go check on the car.

And listen to the game?

Mm, maybe.

Oh uh, hey,

everything okay in there?

Hey, yeah thanks.

Cheese?

Pregnancy-safe cheeses.

It's so thoughtful.

Hey, did you tell them

about the house?

No.

Well...

Don acquired quite a bit of land

on this incredible island

in the Puget Sound.

Wow.

And we thought with the baby

it would be wonderful to build

this really special retreat.

Ah, we have an old family friend

who's an architect.

He's really into ecology.

As architects are.

He designed and built us

this fantastic place.

You didn't even tell me.

He used all these local materials

like old telephone poles and glass

and stone, but it's modern.

It's really like a work of art.

Dad did everything, I mean

furniture, appliances.

He shipped us this amazing

energy efficiency dishwasher

all the way from Italy.

Defeats the purpose.

KAREN: And I've been

keeping these folders

of sink fixtures,

counter tops and whatever

and John the architect

really liked my ideas.

I have always said

you had great ideas.

It really is like

living in a dream.

Ah, you know what?

We have news too.

We, we do?

Tell'em.

Uh, you tell'em.

You are the first people

we've told, you tell.

I don't want

to make any mistakes.

You tell'em.

You guys, what?

We're having a baby too, yay!

Oh my god!

[LAUGHS]

KAREN: Tina!

That's great, you guys!

Ahh, nice work.

Wow!

How far along are you?

Uhm...

11 weeks.

11 weeks, yeah.

Are you feeling sick at all?

No.

Never felt better.

That's great.

Yeah.

Wow, I am...

That's great.

Yeah, well, we are in the club too, cheers!

Here Tina, I hate

when people lecture me.

But fetal alcohol syndrome

is actually very serious.

Especially

in the first trimester.

Yeah, sorry.

I know you have your political stance.

I, I forgot.

I'm not actually pregnant.

We have a surrogate mother.

Hm.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh wow!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, a surrogate?

Yeah.

We know a gay couple who did that.

We do? Yeah, the guy who

did our window treatments.

Okay.

Did you have to go through all

that awful IVF fertility stuff?

No.

Well, that's good.

Yeah, no I can, I mean

we can.

This was more of an option.

Okay?

Er, um.

Sort of a utopian pregnancy.

A utopian pregnancy?

It's sort of err, dismantling

and restructuring of

the traditional family unit.

A re-distribution of rules to a

more shared economy kind of thing.

Kind of.

You are the first people we've told,

we don't really have

the rap down yet.

So you can

have the baby yourself?

Right, yes I... we can,

we choose not to.

You're paying someone

to have the baby for you?

Yeah.

Perfect!

Wait, is this

part of your project?

Actually, yes.

So this was her idea, right?

Yeah.

Look, it's a, it's a shared project.

Right. I'm just

the one who conceived it.

The project, not the baby.

Yeah, of course

the project obviously.

It's a collaborative endeavor.

Kiki's the one who's

having the actual baby.

Yeah, I'm just saying

it was my idea.

I hardly think that it's right to

discount the labor that goes into it.

Just because you're controlling

the means of production.

Mm, that sounds hot.

I'm obviously saying this from...

Why don't you,

why don't you tell them?

Didn't wanna get fat?

Thanks.

Not particularly, no.

Didn't want to be

inconvenienced.

No, but its more that because the

traditional family role structure

is obsolete

and pretty much sucks for women

and men and children,

I decided to change it.

What sucks about it?

Well, I think Tina feels that there

are issues with traditional roles.

I mean, I wouldn't wanna

be a mother. Would you?

But you wanna have a baby!

TINA: Err...

Do you want

to have a baby, Tina?

We hired a surrogate mother.

And this person that you hired

is going to be... The mother.

She will have that title.

Yes, whatever that means, that's

what she wanted. God love her.

Did you bone the surrogate?

Oh my god.

Tina's egg fertilized with my sperm was

transplanted into our friends womb.

Ah, naturally.

Transplanted into... Yeah.

We were both there when

they introduced the zygote.

Must have been

a precious moment.

So it is your egg?

Yes, it's my egg

and Wayne's sperm.

Look, some women are really

into giving birth.

Others just do it

for reasons of vanity.

Vanity.

Or ego or guilt.

If you didn't have

to do it yourself

why else would you do it?

It's not unlike having

assistants execute your art.

You have to learn.

How to delegate.

I think tons of women

would love to do what I'm doing

they're just not ballsy enough to do it.

And you're ballsy enough?

If government and businesses are

going to devalue women's work

and make motherhood

economically unfeasible,

why not outsource it until

they make it worth our whiles

to keep babies

in their own mothers wombs.

Yes, yes. [CLICKING HIS FINGERS]

You see this is why

people hate liberals.

Is this a joke

or are you guys doing this?

We're really doing it.

If you don't wanna have the

child, why don't you just adopt?

Why don't you?

Why don't you?

Well, Wayne was really into

having his own genetics, so...

So were you.

Oh, I didn't really want it

to be yours and hers.

That's not the point.

Oh, you don't want it to be hers.

But you want

her to be the mother.

Um, Tina is

like a sperm donor.

I'm so not like a sperm donor.

I mean, you're,

you're an egg donor.

No, I'm not.

Well, she's the mother

what are you?

I don't know.

I haven't put a label on it.

That's the most interesting part

about it, I get to

create the role.

Fun.

[SIGHS] I'm just not into

being hormonally brainwashed

into this unhealthy attachment

that women have

with their babies.

Unhealthy attachment?

It's not unhealthy.

A child needs this.

And it's not an attachment,

it's a connection.

I already feel this

incredible connection.

Great.

I'm looking forward to having

a different kind of connection.

One that's less based on biology

and quite frankly economics.

What is that supposed to mean?

I'm not against having kids.

I love kids.

They're awesome.

I prefer kids to most adults,

I mean...

Raising a child, talk about an,

an amazing experiment.

So, you're really having more

of an experiment than a baby?

It's more like making

a work of art.

I'm not creating her,

I'm allowing her into existence.

You're having a girl?

Yeah, I mean well 90% yeah.

It's early, but you could buy these

DNA tests at like Walgreens.

You can tell at 11 weeks.

Wow, you guys.

[DON CHUCKLES]

Okay, it's not unlike cheese.

Cheese was created as a way

to preserve milk

before there was refrigeration.

But we don't

need cheese anymore.

But we fetishize it,

it's become this

highly stylized thing

we've developed a taste for.

Having a baby the old way

is a total fetish at this point.

I'm not doing anything different

than a gay mom.

Or, or a trans mom.

Or a Don.

Perfect.

I think I need some water.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

TINA: I'm just saying that

maybe if your mother hadn't

endured the pain

of childbirth for you

and sacrificed

her identity for you,

you wouldn't screen her calls.

Thank you.

Ahem, I'm curious

about this friend

you impregnated.

Heh, uh, Kiki?

Yeah, Kiki.

That was her on the phone before?

Yeah.

She very much wanted to give birth, but

her situation was such that she couldn't.

Her... situation

was such?

Let's just say it works for her.

We're gonna be three people

without preconceived notions

of designated roles.

Four.

Four what?

Four people.

With Kiki.

Yes four, obviously.

Is she going to

take care of the baby?

We're going to work

those things out as we go along.

Are you having a nanny?

Yeah, I mean, yeah.

[KAREN CHUCKLES] - So how

is that different from me?

It's different.

Meanwhile the kids

usually like the nanny better.

No, they don't!

I'm gonna be like

the fun, sexy nanny then.

Is Kiki moving in with you?

No.

Maybe temporarily.

You're figuring it out

as you go.

She's not living here.

Don't eat too much.

Oh, these cheeses are from

this lesbian couple upstate

that name

each one of their goats.

Stop fetishizing the cheese.

Hmm-hmm, fuck off.

Oh my god, I was kidding!

People have the most fucked up

reasons for having kids.

I know women who have them

just to jump social class.

Or, or to hang on

to their husbands.

Meanwhile, half the time the guy doesn't

want to be a father in the first place.

He's just going along with it.

Jesus Christ, Tina!

It's not all so sinister.

It's actually one of the most

beautiful things in life.

And I, I think it's sad

that you can't see it that way.

Well, I do too.

So Kiki is whose friend?

She originally was my friend.

[DON GENTLY HMMS]

She was temping at the place

where Wayne was freelancing.

Classic.

Did you talk to anyone before you did this?

Did you talk to anyone

before you did this?

No.

You didn't ask us if we'd talked to anyone when

you thought we were having a regular old baby.

You thought it was awesome.

Actually I didn't.

Really?

I mean I was happy for you,

but I was surprised.

You... You're a little selfish.

[TINA CHUCKLES] I'm selfish?

A little, yeah.

You know I don't even

think this sounds legal.

Legal?

Legal, that's not a moral code

I'm particularly interested in.

So you and Kiki don't have a contract?

No.

No.

All these privileges for married people

and families, tax breaks

and health insurance

and Green Cards, it's sick.

Why did you get married?

Wayne was broke,

you gotta work the system.

[PHONE RINGS]

Don't get that.

Hang on a sec.

You know for a minute there

I forgot all about the game.

I like Scandinavian mothers.

They're so relaxed.

I could totally be

like a Danish mom.

What's up?

She told Clark.

Argh, that idiot.

Wait, hang on hang on you're going out?

Wait.

I could go with you.

We could take my car.

WAYNE: Great.

Wayne. Don.

I'll be right back, Tina.

Okay.

Wait!

Have fun.

TINA: When are you... Wayne.

[ELEVATOR CLUNKS]

It does that sometimes.

[ELEVATOR STOPS, THEN STARTS]

[MUSIC]

You know why Don went? He wants

to listen to the game in the car.

I'm sorry if I got a little...

Yeah.

It's just, this

whole thing with Kiki is...

What happened?

Who's this guy she told?

Kiki's boyfriend

who's married.

Her boyfriend's married?

With five kids.

Are you serious?

Well, four or five, five if you

count the one in the institution.

Yeah, the one

in the institution counts.

So, five then.

I feel dizzy,

do you have any food?

Oh yeah, sorry.

So go straight and to the left.

[THE GAME ON THE RADIO

IN THE BACKGROUND]

We're not far.

Hey, we can drag this out

as long as you like.

You want me to put

that seat back for you?

Better?

Yeah.

You want some air?

Yeah.

Oh my god, Karen, I'm so sorry.

You must be so hungry.

Wayne made this Ethiopian dish.

Oo, what is it?

Wat...

What?

Wat, that's wat.

Oh.

Thank you so much. I'm starving.

I'm sorry. I was supposed to be

Wayne's [INDISTINCT] tonight.

I totally spaced.

It's really good.

Really? Mm.

This is good chow.

Mm, this is seriously good.

Hey, I wanna show you

something upstairs.

You still smoking?

Yeah, but not in the house.

Where did you get these?

People kept on sending us

pictures of their kids,

so I just blew 'em up.

Do your ex-boyfriends send you

pictures of their kids all the time?

No.

Mine do.

Do you think it's this weird

sexual overture or aggression?

Maybe they're just proud.

Doubt it.

Remember Marcello, the organic

herb guy from the farmers market?

Vaguely.

That's his son.

He's so cute!

Entre.

It does sort of smell

like cat piss in here.

[TINA GIGGLES]

[CAT MEOWS]

Wow.

I've been collecting jewelry, that

women make out of baby teeth.

Necklaces with their kids'

initials and names on it.

Like this weird

ostentatious conquest.

So Kiki's married boyfriend

had no idea she was doing this?

They were taking a break after

he fired her from his office.

Oh god.

Well, you have all

these single women

in these extra marital affairs

who want to be mothers.

Well, maybe they shouldn't be

in extra marital affairs.

Yeah, dream on!

This just seems really weird.

You don't seem like

you want to have a baby.

Wayne didn't want it till June.

When we met,

he was totally against it.

We agreed, I mean...

It was a big part of why

we were attracted to each other.

We believed

in perfect bi-solation.

Two people,

alone together in love.

We thought having kids

was a kind of agenda.

And then I got pregnant.

Oh.

Which was an accident.

When?

Like a year ago.

Oh, Tina.

Yeah.

We um, decided against it.

Against the pregnancy, because

we agreed and it was an accident

and we didn't want them,

and we agreed, so...

We ended it.

Was that hard?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Anyway, after that

we were suddenly...

It was weird,

I mean he was always

good with kids,

he would like them.

But suddenly,

he just had to be a father.

Had to have a baby.

Wow.

And then when

Wayne met Kiki, and...

She wanted to be a mother, but she

was in this stupid relationship

where she couldn't

have one, and...

I started thinking, I could do

as much as a father, right?

Huh.

Hmm, it was something

he really wanted.

And I wanted him

to have a life, you know.

What he really wanted.

Others have it easy.

Frickin' late, looking great.

My child, picture on the desk.

I can do that.

Come on.

[SPLASHING SOUND]

[LAUGHING]

I just wanted to do it

in a way that I could handle.

Why didn't you just try to get

pregnant again and see what happened?

Uh-huh!

Well, I guess it's nice you're

trying to give him what he wants.

Right.

How old is Kiki?

Our age, a little younger.

Sit down.

Argh.

[ELECTRONIC SOUNDS]

Awesome, right?

Ahh, ha, ha, okay!

[TINA GIGGLES]

Okay.

Help. Ow.

Ah.

Boy or girl?

Oh god.

Come on, tell me.

Boy.

Ooo.

Don't tell Don.

A little boy.

Yeah, so...

Is that what you wanted?

I mean I guess I always thought

I'd be happy with either, but...

I always pictured myself

with a little girl.

Maybe I'm just not into

super heroes and video games

and dump trucks and reptiles.

Oh, honey.

I don't, I hate science museums.

Oh, everybody hates

science museums.

[SIGHS]

It'll be okay. I'll be okay.

It'll be great!

My friends say I'll forget

I ever felt this way.

Daughters steal your beauty

when you're pregnant,

have you ever heard that?

Yeah, Italians say that, I think

and traditionally

everyone wanted boys,

so if you're going to be

traditional, it's good, right?

Well...

Traditionally some countries

like to drown baby girls, so...

Fuck tradition.

Ha, ha, yes!

Please, fuck tradition.

Ah, I think a lot of people

would love not to have kids

until they're brainwashed into thinking

they won't be happy without them.

I see all these girls

going up to college,

and I can't help but think

why are we educating them,

why don't we send them

straight from high school

to Pilates if that's all they're gonna do?

Tina!

Stop attacking me!

Seriously!

I'm not attacking you.

You're attacking me.

How am I attacking you?

Look at you, you're like this

giant beach ball of bliss.

You're like this

living monument of sexism,

you're so beautiful

and glowing and...

I'm going to use the bathroom.

I'll, um, check on the guys.

I'm really glad

you got a chance to see this.

KAREN: It's amazing.

Thanks.

I admire your...

You!

[ANSWERING MACHINE] Hey this is Wayne.

I'm not here right now, leave a message.

Hey, it's me

I'm just checking in.

Bye.

No one thinks that it's weird

to wanna have a baby,

but basically you're inviting

a complete stranger

you know nothing about

into your life forever.

But people think

adopting a foster child

or a helper monkey is insane.

[KAREN SNIFFS]

Did you just say helper monkey?

[KAREN SNIFFS]

Come here.

You look a mess, Karen.

[KAREN SNIFFS]

This just isn't

the greatest time for me.

We're actually... [SNIFFS]

We're just not having

the greatest time.

It's been really hard.

Wayne's so sweet,

he's so into the pregnancy.

Yeah well, just 'cause someone's

loving and giving

doesn't mean they're not

doing it for selfish reasons.

Don's just at work all the time.

And he's just not

like that, you know.

And I'm just...

feeling insecure.

You guys having sex?

No.

Are you getting on otherwise?

I mean, sure. [SHE SNIFFS]

Aside from the lack of sex

and him never being home and me

yelling at him whenever he is.

Great then. Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, clearly he's working it in.

Yeah.

I mean, that was a factor.

Not everyone has

a trust fund, Tina.

Not a trust fund.

Some of us have to live in reality.

It's not a trust fund.

Well, whatever it is.

It, it's barely enough

to scrape by

and I mean,

look at where we live.

Still.

Still what? I work my ass off.

Give me some of that wine.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

It's okay to drink a little bit

in the last few months.

[KAREN SNIFFS]

Just don't tell Don.

Your secret's safe with me.

Hmm.

I'm so getting another bottle.

Don didn't wanna have the baby.

I mean not... now anyway.

So, why are you having it?

Pillow.

I didn't want to wait, I'm 42.

We were going to do it anyway.

He thinks I tricked him.

Did you?

Sort of.

He's gonna be so happy

when the baby's born.

Yeah.

Everything looks better

at four in the morning

when you're staring

into a diaper.

I think he's starting

to hate me.

Does it seem like he hates me?

I don't know.

I think he hates me.

He really hates me!

[BOTH LAUGH]

You were going to have kids

anyway, right?

So? Who cares what he thinks.

You're doing what you want.

Yeah.

You should be with Wayne.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Did you see the way

he was looking at you?

No.

I think he's developed

like this pregnancy fetish.

It's gross.

What's Kiki like?

Grr.

She's stupid in some ways, but she has some

sort of theory behind that men love her.

Great.

Where the fuck are those guys?

Oh, I have an idea.

No, don't stop.

No, I'm not playing that game.

You love this game.

No.

You're curious about Wayne,

I can tell.

You're curious about Don.

That's what it is.

Ew. No.

Okay.

Ready?

I'm a little rusty.

Set?

Draw.

What are you doing over there?

You're kind of like

the DaVinci of dicks.

You just love drawing penises.

I think you do this

when I'm not even here.

You miss drawing

like this, don't you?

Admit it.

Do you remember that first

uncircumcised one we did?

Or, I did. [LAUGHS]

Who could forget.

It was ah, eye opening!

[TINA LAUGHS]

To say the least!

Okay, are you ready?

Hold on.

Come on.

Hold on!

It's gotta be perfect.

And.

Pencils down.

Okay, okay.

[TINA GIGGLES AND GASPS]

Karen!

This is so good.

Look at the shading,

there is so much feeling.

You always were

a better artist than me.

No.

Better drawer.

He's got a great little personality!

I like its crown.

That's not what I was...

I don't know what I was going

for. [LAUGHS]

I made it small,

so you would feel better.

Oh, that was big of you.

Wayne's cute, right?

He's perfect for you.

I think he's cute.

He's so principled.

Hmm.

I don't know, I think maybe

Don is boning someone else.

A lot of guys hit on me

when their wives were pregnant.

Oh, that's just great.

I am just saying, so you don't

take it personally.

I think they feel

scared or trapped

or horny or whatever.

You're defending him?

I am just saying.

Do you think

he seems like he is?

How could I tell?

I don't know.

I hate this.

Have you asked him?

Not directly, just some

nasty hints and comments.

Okay, suppose he is?

Do you care?

Of course I care.

Okay, so then confront him

or ask him or whatever.

Right, and end up a single mom

out in the suburbs.

Online dating

like Chrissy Shipman.

Who's Crissy Shipman?

You remember Chrissy Shipman,

she lived on our floor.

Ew, you still keep up

with that looser?

Just on Facebook.

Uh.

Just name the baby after some

beloved relative of his.

What's some relative

he's totally into?

His grandfather, I guess.

What's his grandfather's name?

Elliot.

It, it's cute. Elliot, Elliot,

Elliot. [SAYS IT LIKE E.T.]

E.T. phone home.

[TINA LAUGHS]

I would never have thought that.

No, it's really sweet.

Name the baby Elliot,

you will lock him in for life

with that one.

[ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS]

Oh my god, that's them.

Oh, do you have any mouthwash?

Yeah, come.

[JOLLY MUSIC]

Don't ask Don about

him fooling around, I know you.

Don't tell Wayne

I'm still smoking.

Don't tell Don I was drinking.

[GIGGLING]

KIKI: I said wait, wait,

he has brain cancer?

And they were like, no, Kiki,

he is a break dancer.

[LAUGHING]

I can't believe, I mean...

That's fantastic.

Here, let me help you.

Oh my god, yeah.

I can see why you guys chose her.

Oh, shut up.

Voil?.

I'll get you

something to put on.

Hi, I'm Kiki.

I'm Wayne and Tina's

baby surrogate mom.

And you are?

I'm Karen.

You're pregnant too, right?

Oh no, I'm not pregnant.

I'm kidding.

Oh god, good.

It's always so horrible when you

ask someone if they're pregnant,

and then it just turns out

that they're just you know, fat.

Oh well, I'm pregnant and fat.

Oh god, no, no, no,

I didn't mean that you're...

Er, sorry. No, I mean

obviously you're pregnant.

Doesn't she look wonderful?

Yeah, you have such rosy cheeks.

Here.

Oh, thank you.

Ahem.

So who's winning?

Er, Mets. Mets won.

Were you drinking?

No.

So uh...

How do you two know each other?

We're married.

Oh, I was just kidding.

You better not

have been drinking.

It is really, really bad.

Oh, I'm aware, thank you.

Don't get around your friend

and start fucking around.

God.

It is like really weird.

I always thought it would be the

hardest thing to give up alcohol.

But I don't even wanna drink.

It's like all I'm craving is,

is fresh air.

Fresh fruits

and fresh vegetables.

You seem better.

I am, thank you.

So how many months are you?

16.

Wow! [LAUGHS]

Were you like, so hot all the

time in your first few months?

I don't think

I was hot, actually.

Really?

Well, were your breasts like

really sensitive?

Because my breasts are

like so sensitive all the time.

And I am so thirsty.

I, I'll get you some water.

Oh, no, no, hey, just, you sit.

Kiki has not had any morning

sickness at all, which is great.

What did she tell Clark?

Oh, I don't know,

we didn't get into it.

The game was on.

Plus we stopped

at a tapas place.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, you stopped

at a tapas place?

She was hungry,

she wanted to unwind.

I'm really sorry to be breaking

up your party like this.

Why are you apologizing to me?

Mm, uhm, I don't know.

I'm sorry.

It's fine.

Relax.

Oh, thanks.

So, what happened?

Mm... mm.

Clarks wife is pregnant.

What again?

What is that like six?

Yeah, I mean he is never

going to leave her.

Ever. So I told him

that I was pregnant

and now he wants to leave me.

You know, I'm like really hot. I can't

like deal with this, I'm sorry.

Wait, why did you tell him?

Uh, I had to because

when he heard that she was

pregnant, he needed to see me

and then when he saw my belly

he could just tell.

What belly?

He saw your belly?

He said it was the stupidest

thing that I've ever done.

DON: Who's Clark?

KIKI: Clark and I have

been in a relationship

for five stupid years.

And he's married?

Yes.

DON: And he doesn't know anything

about your arrangement with these two?

No!

DON: I love it.

KIKI: You know what? He said the worst

possible things to me. WAYNE: Like what?

Like you've got better things

to do with your life.

And I was like what? Sit around

with my looks disintegrating

waiting for you to divorce that

preppy little witch you hate?

[SNIFFS] Jesus.

KIKI: Oh, oh my god

I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's okay.

Oh my god, I'm gonna be okay.

Oh god, I am so sorry.

It's fine. Don't worry about it,

she cries all the time.

Cause You stay out all the time.

You got her drunk.

Arrest me.

I am the one

who should be crying.

She's got a man and a baby.

And I have no man and I have

like a timeshare in a baby.

I'm sure you and Clark

will work it out.

Why should she work it out?

He's a jerk.

She loves him.

He's married.

She likes married guys.

I'm almost passed my prime.

No you are a young,

beautiful woman.

I am in phase four.

Oh, you're not

in phase four, Kiki.

Four what?

Er Kiki, Kiki

has these theories about

the phases of a woman's life.

Go ahead, tell them.

No listen, I don't wanna bore you.

No, not at all.

Okay.

There are five phases

of a woman's life.

And the first is girlhood.

Like learning what's expected of you.

You know, what's sexy.

And incidentally I realized

this is where most young women

plant the seeds

for their second marriages

by like sitting on their

fathers' friends' laps

and stuff like that.

Nice.

Yeah. And phase two

is when you grow boobs.

And men of all ages,

they start to look at them.

And you know it

and they know it.

But everyone around you pretends

like it's like not happening.

And this is when women are

actually in their fullest power.

Yeah, I'm nervous as a cat

around teenage girls. See.

Yeah they're very intimidating, Don.

See?

Are you okay?

KAREN: I'm fine.

Um, Kiki was just telling us about her

theory of the phases of a woman's life.

Great.

Phase three

is when you're in your 20's

and your like very early 30's,

and you have to be smart

and supportive.

And you have to like be a really

good partner for your man.

Oh, and you have to have a man

in phase three.

And you have to stay sexy enough

so it keeps him challenged

and interested.

Ow! You're squeezing my hand too hard.

Sorry.

And you also have to like follow him around

anywhere so he'll marry you.

Wow.

And that brings us

to phase four.

Which is my phase.

You are not in phase four.

Phase four.

You have to be a mother.

You see once women turn 30, they

like start to look like shit.

And their faces

get all like coarse.

And their teeth get all stained

from all that partying they did

supporting their man

in phase three.

And their cleavage starts

to get like chicken skin

and disgusting.

And nobody wants to look

directly at women in phase four.

I mean, particularly like in the

later stages of it. I mean, I don't.

I don't. I have to make like a

concerted effort to look at them.

We all do, it's depressing.

We only need phase four women

as mother figures.

As like therapists and mentors

and we need them for their

business connections

and their social connections, and we need them

to give us like their cool vintage clothing

that they can't

fit into anymore.

Clark already has someone

in phase four.

He doesn't need me.

I was his little vixen.

And now that I'm pregnant,

I'm not a vixen anymore.

Oh my god, I feel so fat!

[SOBS] I'm like hot

and disgusting.

[SIGHS]

I'm still a vixen inside.

I'm not.

I am not a vixen.

Yeah, you are.

You are both vixens.

No I'm not, look at me.

Oh my god, I can't keep having

this conversation with you.

Every day she wants me to

tell her she looks beautiful,

and the truth is

she's looked better.

And she will again.

What if I don't?

[CHUCKLES] You better.

Hey, you are luminous.

Give it a rest.

All I want is to have a baby.

And I wanna get married.

Why is that so hard?

Oh, and I have to move out

of the apartment.

Why? Does he pay

for the apartment?

Oh, I think that's personal.

Don't you?

Oh yeah, certainly, I'm sorry.

No, like, don't even...

[KIKI'S PHONE RINGS]

Oh shit. I'm sorry.

[SIGHS]

Yeah.

Oh, oh god, I'm so sorry.

Where should I be?

Is that him?

Um,

well actually I'm with people

who care about me, right now.

Yeah, uh-huh, that's right.

[INDISTINCT REPLY]

You know what? You can just

like, go fuck yourself!

I'm gonna hang up right now!

[SIGHS]

If you don't wanna talk to him,

why don't you turn off

your phone?

Um, I don't know, I should.

We should leave.

No, god no, okay.

I'm sorry. You know what? I

don't wanna mess up your party.

I'm gonna go.

BOTH MEN: No, don't go!

Okay?

Okay.

What did he want?

Um, I guess...

I guess he wants me

to change my mind.

What does that mean?

What do you think it means?

Oh, absolutely not!

Hey! Don't yell at me.

I'm not yelling,

I'm just adamant.

This is our kid we're talking about, Kiki.

I know.

Is that something

you're considering?

No.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I mean, you want to do this, right?

This is something you want?

Yes.

I wanna have a baby.

Okay, then.

Sort of.

I mean, oh my god.

How did I mess up

my life so bad?

I think I just have

too much integrity.

Huh.

All of my friends said

I should have

just gotten pregnant

when I was first seeing Clark.

All of my friends said it.

Within three months I should have

just gotten like knocked up,

while he was so vulnerable,

you know?

While he was dying for me.

I've ruined my life.

This guy sounds like a total asshole.

He's not. You don't even know,

his wife is horrible.

He doesn't even want kids, but

every time he's about to leave her

she gets pregnant!

Magically.

Oh, she does it on purpose!

She doesn't even love him.

It's like she hates him.

All she ever does

is yell at him.

He's just too good

of a guy to leave her.

He's like this noble person

who has been trapped

by this horrible woman

who keeps having his children and

then turning them against him.

He married her.

Because she was pregnant.

I mean, people never

have sympathy for men.

And he has another ex-wife who has

been sponging off of him for years.

He does? And she'll never get

re-married because she wants to keep

getting alimony from him.

See divorce laws in this

country are outrageous,

that's what needs reform.

I feel a little bit sick.

Do you want some water?

No.

Okay then.

Why can't I ever

just have what I want?

No one ever wants

to be with me for forever.

Just on the weekdays.

What's wrong with me?

[KIKI LAUGHS]

[THE WOMEN ALL LAUGH]

Oh my god, I love this!

It's perfect, it looks

like he got a little crown.

What's this supposed to be?

Give me...

Is that you?

Woah, okay this one...

Whoa!

[LAUGHING]

Oh my god, did you draw this?

She made me do it.

It's something that we used to do.

C'mon let's, let's have a look.

Come on, come on.

Oh my god, that looks great.

What's this? Huh?

What?

What yeah, I'm sorry.

Maybe you should show Kiki

your penis, so everyone knows.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, maybe I should!

Okay kids, please.

I just don't understand why you would draw

this unflattering

rendition of my penis?

Why would you do that?

She actually said it didn't do you justice.

Thank you.

You are quite an artist.

Am I too female, Tina?

Yeah, you know what? Maybe you

should wear an undershirt

and like beat me or something.

Maybe I should

since you made me wear this

stupid shirt in the first place.

Oh, super macho!

I'd like to amend

my drawing, if I may.

Wayne, it's just a game.

No!

What is wrong with you?

Why are you acting like this?

How should I be acting?

Since it's up you, huh?

I act the way you want me to

and you draw me

with a one inch cock!

It's not one inch!

We didn't even really

determine the scale, Wayne.

Well, you figured it out.

You know, I think

what Wayne is trying to say...

I don't really care what you

think Wayne is trying to say.

Don't tell her what to care

about what someone thinks.

What?

What?

Kiki, have the baby,

Wayne, change the baby!

But Tina goes off

on her merry way

doing whatever

she wants, because

the only thing that's

important in the world right now

is what's Tina wants.

I'm getting a stomach ache.

Don, should we go?

No, no, no, shh.

I didn't do this whole thing

so you could turn around

and persecute Kiki.

How am I persecuting Kiki?

You're treating her like

a second class citizen.

Oh, suddenly she has

her crotch in your face

and I'm persecuting her?

She's not an idiot, she

knows exactly what she's doing.

Put the fucking sweat pants on.

Uh-hu, do not

talk to her like that!

Hmm. That's the mother

of your child.

You can mind your own business.

Too much male energy

in the room for you, Tina?

Oh, is that how you describe the energy?

Yeah.

Okay, I gotta pee.

It's time to go.

Okay.

You got something

on your dress there.

You know what they used to

call women like you?

What, Don?

Witches.

Yeah. Women like me have always

scared men like you.

You don't scare me.

Yeah, I do.

It seems somethings growing

between these two.

No, sorry.

Something between us

has grown inside her.

Huh, that's very good.

You like playing games.

You get off on power games?

I think this is a very interesting

game you're playing right here.

Kiki, you've been kicked out

of your apartment, right?

Yeah.

Hmm, maybe I can help you.

Don. I just bought a

building in the East Village

and there's a rent

stabilized apartment.

We just evicted the tenant.

Was it an elderly person?

What about I put you

on the lease?

What would that mean? That would mean

you have a rent stabilized apartment

in the East Village

for the rest of your life

for about $415 a month.

Oh my god!

Wait.

Would that change anything?

Ha, ha, oh my god.

KAREN: Don.

We're not giving Kiki

an apartment.

No, I'm not talking about

giving it to Kiki.

I'm talking about

giving it to Wayne.

Wayne doesn't need an apartment.

If that would change

anything in this... Situation.

No, thanks.

I'm offering it to Wayne.

Why would you do that?

Well, I need a project too.

He doesn't want...

Does it have a washer and a dryer?

There's a hook up.

I think we should talk about it.

WAYNE: I mean

it's a generous offer.

Are you high?

I mean if you two don't

have a legal agreement

and Kiki is the mother...

It's my egg.

You don't really have a legal agreement.

Wayne and I are married.

By a drunk guy in Thailand.

It's Fiji

By a drunk guy in Fiji.

I mean just in case legal is a

moral code you're interested in.

Kiki has my baby inside her.

Our, our baby.

And I'm feeling all these primal

feelings arise

unexpectantly very powerful.

I didn't know

I was going to feel so...

Primal?

Yeah!

Yeah, primal.

Great, so you finally muster this

primal male feeling and... And what?

I, I don't know what, Wayne?

What?

I don't know, I don't know.

Well, spit it out, because you've got a

sweet offer on the table, right, Don?

Right.

You know, Tina.

It is a basic feminine instinct

that's lacking in you.

Really, what basic feminine

instinct am I lacking this week?

Nurturing.

[TINA SCOFFS]

I hate that word!

I love it.

She's nurturing?

She's a fucking train wreck.

Excuse me?

She's having my baby.

Our!

Our baby!

Whatever.

I'm not nurturing?

All I do is nurture you.

I support

your meandering career.

I pay for this place, I'm so fucking

sick of nurturing, I could puke!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I floated your fucking magazine.

You don't float it anymore.

You ditched it!

Because we started

a new project, Wayne!

You know, there's

a photograph in a book.

A family of women.

A woman riding a bike pregnant.

The wind blowing in her hair.

Wearing denim overalls.

The expression on her face.

Simple joy.

That's what I want.

A pair of overalls?

No.

Simple joy.

It's not simple, Wayne.

It is for some people.

TINA: Okay.

I'm gonna make it really simple.

Are you banging her?

No.

Okay, then.

But I...

But what?

What are you trying to say?

I, I don't know.

Stop pushing me.

I just don't want to miss out

on something vital.

Something vital?

You and I, this isn't vital?

No, you are no longer

vital to the equation.

You're... you didn't want to be.

We're not vital?

That was the whole

fuckin plan or...

Or was I just the bread...

Oh my god.

[SIGHS] Did you guys plan this,

was this some kind of plan?

You know we didn't.

I don't know anything anymore.

How are guys gonna make money?

Maybe you can provide child support.

You're having an abortion.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

She's not having an abortion.

We'll see about that.

Not unless Clark and I get back together.

You're not!

You're incredible. This is what you choose

after all you're high moral ground?

You choose a rescue mission,

the power of a powerless woman

no man can resist.

Were you ever a stripper?

So what if she was?

[TINA SIGHS]

You didn't love me!

You married me for tax purposes.

Don't be an idiot.

You didn't want my baby.

You killed my child!

This again, no.

Yes, this again. I'm sorry!

You can't agree to it

and then hold it against me

for the rest of our lives.

I can't help how I feel!

After you did what you did.

We did it.

You did it! It was your choice,

I went along with it.

It was your choice.

I wanna feel the kind of love

people talk about.

Me too. I don't wanna think

about myself all the time.

Me too.

I want to be with a woman

who doesn't think having my baby

is ruining her life.

Or one that just won't say it?

You want a liar, you want

a manipulative coward?

That's, that's what

you think about mothers.

You'd be surprised.

All night

you've been attacking her.

Her?

And Kiki and anyone who makes choices,

choices you don't happen

to agree with.

Because they are miserable

and they won't admit it!

She's joyous!

She's serene!

You wanna look at Karen.

First time since

Kiki walked in, but...

You know what, okay.

Tina!

This is your idea of a happy couple?

A perfect situation?

I am happy.

Ugh! Huh-huh-huh!

Okay.

I'm sick of everyone

pretending to be happy.

Everyone on drugs, pretending

everything's fine and buying big houses

to get away from each other, having

kids 'cause they've run out of friends

having these fucking little

accessories who are excuses

for every fucked up

choice they make.

And they are just gonna grow up

to be more people I fucking hate!

Those are your words, Wayne.

I don't feel like that anymore.

I'm allowed to change, Tina.

Okay, okay.

You're happy?

Yes.

Really?

Yes.

We're happy.

You're the one who's unhappy.

So everyone's happy except me?

Looks like it.

I'm happy!

I mean as long as

I can get the apartment.

This sucks!

After everything I did for you.

I... I did this for you.

And I let her into our lives so

you could have what you wanted.

'Cause that's how much

I love you, bonehead.

I don't even understand

what you want.

It's all theories

and semantics with you.

You want equality.

You wanna change the world,

you want social justice,

you want all this crap

I don't even remember anymore.

When did social justice

become crap to you?

You sound like you joined the

pod-people. Wayne, come on.

Maybe this is what you want.

No.

You can visit.

[TINA LAUGHS]

You can still do your project.

It might be good for

your project. And, hey, hey.

You're gonna do so many

amazing things in life.

And I'm not gonna

stand in your way.

[TINA SOBS]

Well, this has been interesting.

Are we leaving?

Yeah.

We'll be in touch.

KAREN: Can I hug you?

[PIANO MUSIC]

Send a picture of Elliot

when he's born.

Elliot?

It was super awesome

meeting you guys.

I'm gonna take Kiki home.

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

I forgot... I forgot the bike.

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

I'm sorry.

[LAUGHTER AND CHATTERING]

TINA: Hi, what are you

doing here?

KAREN: Oh my god, I haven't

seen you in so long...

[PIANO MUSIC]

[CHATTERING]

[SONG]